Loss of a Mother

[eulaha]

Hello,

I know that some of you have created memorial websites for your loved ones. I would like to create one for my dear mom. Could anyone please tell me which websites I can visit, that will help me to create one? Also, does anyone have any hints/pointers on making one? Any information would be GREATLY appreciated.

[solemate]

the tears may never stop. been over a year now & i still can't bear the thought of being without mum. i feel all alone in the world & unloved. thought time would heal but it still hurts deep in my heart. so let's all pray for each other! love, ed

Yes Ed, the tears seem to never stop. I am only 6 mths since my loss of both Mum and Dad together yet, I like you cant bear the pain of being without both of them. People ask me how I am, I just say fine. A few years ago I conducted a eulogy for my nephew and quoted a piece on time ... I hope you get something from this.

Time is a friend a healer, a maker of dreams, and every moment it holds in its hands is filled with new beginnings.

Our lives are woven by the weavers of time in a pattern we cannot see; but when we cherish time, we cherish life, for time gives even as it takes.

Within each day there is wonder, and we are unware of what sweet miracles time may bring.

A mothers love will never be lost, Ed I am sure your mother loved you very much and that love is something special that you hold close to your heart. I too feel lost and alone and suffer from flash backs of the events surrounding that tragic day. I cant remember appointments yet can vididly remember events and conversations surrounding that day and the days that followed. I dont want to let go, I feel that if I do, I will loose them. I know this is silly and I must move on, but I am not ready yet. There is hope, I hope that the time I hold in my hands is filled with new beginings. To all on site, take care and my warmest thoughts and prayers from Australia. Gayle

[gracerose]

the tears haven't stopped for me either, they won't. it hasn't been 6 months yet since my beautiful mom passed away and like others who say they tell people "i'm fine", you aren't at all. your whole world and self is altered forever, from the moment your mom passes on, you are no longer the same person you were before when she was still with you here.

i walk with a heavy, broken, shattered heart. i carry much sadness and immense loneliness inside. to the outside world, i probably look just fine. little do they know what's going on inside of me. i miss my mom so much. there is a forever emptiness inside that will never be filled, will never go away. she was my best friend, truly the most loving, kind person i've ever been blessed to know. she had a chronic disease she suffered from for most of her adult of life, complications from her disease finally taking her. though she lived with pain every day, she was the most graceful, dignified person. my username is for her - she was full of grace and as beautiful as the most beautiful rose.

regardless of her years of suffering or how much pain she had, she always put her family first, she always asked how we were and wanted us to be well and happy. she loved me unconditionally and taught me what a mother's love is really about. she taught me how to mother my son and i'd like to think that i learned her lessons. i miss talking to her, doing things for her, spending time with her.

oh how i miss her. i see something - could be anything - and i think of her and i cry. i think of the happy times we had and i'm so thankful for them. when i'm not sure what to do, i think of what she would think or would say to me and i feel comfort in that. she is with me always, her love continues on, she guides me from her new place on her journey. i just miss her here so much i can't describe it. i know i don't need to anyway, you all know what i'm talking about as we walk this most painful and difficult road called grief.

may the creator bless all of you and comfort you...

[Edmund]

thanx gayle, grace & others (i have ltd pc use)i just went to my uncle's funeral in ny & a former coworker (ciara d.) just was killed in afghanistan. i like the new book "90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN", it's about a guy who dies & comes back post a trip to Heaven! -ed

[tfeenlea]

Jasmine dear,

It has been a while since I have read or posted, but I wanted to let you know how often I think of you. A long time ago you posted about the song "how to save a life" and every time I hear that song I think of you even though we have never met (and I cry about my mom too). Honey - I feel you should post whatever you need to post here if it helps you. I don't think your posts are offensive or harmful to anyone, and if someone doesn't think they help them, they should just choose to not read them. I am 40 years old and have two children, my son is 9 and my daughter is 7. I mention this because I think about you how I would think about my daughter - she certainly drives me crazy sometimes (and is a challenge!), but I love her dearly. You have had to grow up faster and in a manner that no child should have to. You should not be judged by your thoughts and how you express them - don't take this the wrong way - it is a good thing I am saying - BUT - YOU ARE STILL A CHILD - children don't say things the way adults do and adults shouldn't argue with children on a posting for grief. I really do think of you a lot, and hope that you find the path to your life that will bring you light and happiness. My mother was my best friend, my right hand, and loved me unconditionally. I loved her more than any words can express and I am so lonely without her - I am a 40 year old orphan with no siblings. But I realize I cannot live another 40 years in despair, or all the loving she gave me would be for naught. That is why I can understand what you are saying. You have your whole life and god willing will find the right way to go on. I am rooting for you, a virtual cheerleader for you - so always know that someone is thinking about you. Do you know the new song by PINK - "who knew" I think of my mom when I hear that. My friend had lost her mom 18 months before I lost mine, and after her mom died she said things to me like I should just accept my mom because she'll be gone someday, and I didn't heed her words - and they came to pass - so the song feels like its about losing someone like that.

please feel free to post back to me.

Tracy

[minnababy]

it's now been 3 months since i lost my mum. it seems crazy that so much time has passed, for me the world stopped on the day she died. i feel so completely alone - my mum was everything to me, and the thought that i am never going to see her again scares me SO much. i miss her so much that when i think about her i can't breathe properly. i have flashbacks to the day that she died and her funeral, i don't think a day has gone by when i haven't thought about those days. it occupies my mind constantly. i can't get used to the fact that she's gone && i don't know how i ever wiil. i still expect her to walk back through the door. at first i had dreams that my mum was still alive and that she hadn't died at all, it was all some big mistake, and when i woke up it hurt SO much having to force myself to believe that she was dead. now i don't dream about her at all and that's even worse. when i walk down the street i constantly see my mum, but when i look again it's just someone else, generally someone who doesn't even look anything like my mum. everytime my phone rings i still half expect it to be her. it kills me when it isn't. i think i'm going crazy. i've started back at uni && i just can't concentrate at all - walking to uni every day i'm almost in tears by the time i get there cause i just think about my mum. i can't get over the fact that i'll never see her ever again, the cruel disease that ripped her away from me, i can't forget the suffering she went through, and how it destroyed her, and i am so angry that my mum had to die, i don't understand at all. i still need my mum so much, i am too young to live without her. i feel like i'm going mad - nobody understands how i feel, like they either expect me to be fine by now or they just think that if they don't mention it i'll be okay. i just feel completely broken, constantly pretending i'm fine because that's the easiest thing to do, everyone tells me i have to be strong or i won't get through this, but i dn't want to be strong - part of me wishes i could have died with her, because i've basically lost my whole family && my world has been ripped apart. 3 months seems like a long time, but it feels to me like no time has passed, nothing's got any eaiser really, i've just got much better at pretending i'm fine. i'd give anything to see my mummy again, i miss her so much the pain inside me is agonising. all i need to stop this pain is to see my mum, and that's the only thing i can never have.

[alysonm]

minnababy-

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and that you're having to go through this. I feel much the same way that you do. My mom died almost 2 months ago and not a day goes by where I don't think about her death and her funeral, not even an hour goes by that I don't think about it. I am also back at school, and I hate it. I hate going to class, I can't concentrate at all and I have no motivation to do my homework.

I just understand. Yes you need your mom now more than ever and that's the one thing you will never have again. It hurts so much, I know. I pretend I'm fine too. Mostly because I can't find the words to describe how not ok I am so it's easier to say I'm fine. I have often wished I had died when she died, or that it had been me instead of her. I think those kinds of thoughts are normal. You don't have to be strong. How can you be strong when you're main support has been ripped out from under you? You take it day by day hour by hour and whatever you're feeling, feel it, because it's ok to feel how you're feeling right now. 3 months is not a long time. It is still so new to you. As it is still so new to me. I want to see my mom so bad, so bad, and touch her and smell her and talk to her. I know it hurts. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you don't have your mom anymore. You are too young to lose your mom. It isn't fair. You will get through this. I really wish I was there with you so we could talk about losing our moms. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I really want to just meet someone who was/is my age when their mom died, just to share and talk about it with, someone who understands. I hope you're ok. Have you thought about counseling? It might help? It helps me. Hang in there.

[minnababy]

alysonm - thank you for your reply. i am really sorry to hear about your mum as well. how old are you? i'm guessing you are about the same age as me - i'm 20, my 20th birthday was a few weeks after my mum passed away. it was horrible. i wish i knew someone my age who had also lost their mum, as it feels like no-one understands how i feel. they either expect me to be okay by now, or tell me things like 'it'll get better with time', 'life goes on' or tell me to feel lucky for the things i do have, it just makes me feel worse. i don't think anyone can understand how it feels to lose their mum, no matter how hard they imagine. i never knew i could feel this bad. i don't know what it's like for you, but my whole family was basically me, my mum && my brother, and now it's like my whole family has been ripped apart, i feel so alone and scared and lost and i don't know how i'm going to live the rest of my life without my mum. i still need her so much, and can't beieve she's not going to be there for anything in my future. i still don't think i've accepted that she's never coming back. i can't concentrate on my uni work at all, i just can't see any point in it anymore, and i'm scared of falling behind as my mum wouldn't have wanted that. they day she died and the weeks before haunt me everyday - she had a terminal illness and the watching it destroy her hurt so much, but now she's gone i'd give anything to have that back. i just want to talk to her again, see her, hug her, i miss her so much && i don't know how to live without her. i need her to fix the pain inside me, i don't know how i'm ever going to be okay again. i don't hve counselling, does it really help? i had t have a lot when i was little && my parents got divorced and i hated going. i hope you are okay anyway, how are you feeling at the moment. take care x x

[stephysteph13]

i was reading your post and i can definitly relate. i lost my mom a little over a year ago and it still hurts badly. im new on this site and im hoping it helps me. no one in my life seems to understand the real pain of losing a parent. im tired of hearing that i shouldn't dwell on it or i should be fine. im 17 and motherless... going through my senior year without her is tough. we were really close and i still can't believe she is gone. i've been going through stronger emotions this year. its real rough and i just can't seem to feel happy bc she isnt here to share the happiness with me.

well i feel shitty. =/

stephanie

[alysonm]

minnababy- I'm 22. Yes my whole family was basically my mom me and my sisters. I'm not close to my dad at all ( my parents were divorced), and hardly ever talk to him. In fact I saw him only a couple times a year up until recently with my mom dying he's been around more, but not much. I too hate it when people tell me it gets better with time, mostly because that really doesn't help in the moment, and how do they really know it's going to get better with time. I really don't think I've accepted that my mom has died either. I still expect her to call me any day now. I almost feel like she's going on with her life at home while I'm here at college. I know she isn't there but sometimes I think about it. Pretend that things are the way the use to be. Shoolwork seems so pointless to me anymore. It's sort of like, who cares if I don't this paper or go to this class, because the one person that did care is the person that is dead and getting a paper done just doesn't seem important anymore. I'm sorry that you keep thinking about the days before she died. My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly so I don't know what that must be like but I do know that I think about the day she died over and over and think about things I wish I could have said to her before she died, like goodbye or that I was sorry for all the times I was rude to her or whatever. i also feel like my mom would be the one that was hepling me get through this, but she's the one that is gone, so it feels like I have no one to help me with this. I don't know. I just really hate this.

Counseling has really helped me. The school I go to offers free counselling to students, so maybe there is something like that at your school? It's nice to have a place to talk about my mom and everything I'm going through especially to someone who listens unconditionally and is accepting of whatever it is that I'm feeling. It just really helps. Anyways, I hope today was a little better for you. Hang in there.

[Guest Guest]

Barb - I'm 25. I lost my Mom 10/23/06, I still miss her so much. At times it seems unreal that's she's gone. Whenever I hear a vehicle honk I think it's her, she would always honk when she drove by my home and I still run to my front window and look out. When I'm shopping if I see someone that resembles her I get excited because I think that's her shopping, until reality sets in. People don't want to talk to me about her, they change the subject, they must think it's been long enough and I should be "over it by now", but I'm not. I'm still trying to learn to deal with the loss, but I don't know how, it's still so very hard & I feel so emotionally crippled. I miss my Mom so much, she was my best friend, we did everything together. She passed in my arms and I'm thankful I was there. Finding this site has comforted me, I don't feel so alone. God Bless You All

[gneel6]

Stephysteph13, I read your post and felt I needed to reply as I know how you feel. I lost my mother 3 months ago to leukemia and I'm 17 years old too. I am having an extremely difficult time because school and everything at home like taking care of my little sister has left me more stressed and upset than I think anyone can understand. I have not started applying to colleges and that's just one more thing I wish my mom could help me with. I try to hide the way I feel all the time because I feel horrible and I just want my mommy to tell me everthing will be okay. Anyway, I can definetely relate to how you're feeling and even though I know it will be really difficult for both of us, I wish you luck in sorting through your grief.

[libra1]

It's always a comfort to come on this site. Today I celebrate my birtday, my second one without my mom, and it's no easier than the first. I really miss the big huge birthday card above the fireplace, and hearing her tell me how I was born. Just being loved and wanted is what I miss the most... Oh how I wish for one more chance to see her, and hear her gentle voice. It doesn't matter how young or old, we need our moms. It's a very lonely life without them. I'm 41 today, I hope god will give me the strength to carry on another forty years or so witohout my precious mom. I'm thinking of all of you today, and wish you all strength on your journey of grief.

[stephysteph13]

Stephysteph13, I read your post and felt I needed to reply as I know how you feel. I lost my mother 3 months ago to leukemia and I'm 17 years old too. I am having an extremely difficult time because school and everything at home like taking care of my little sister has left me more stressed and upset than I think anyone can understand. I have not started applying to colleges and that's just one more thing I wish my mom could help me with. I try to hide the way I feel all the time because I feel horrible and I just want my mommy to tell me everthing will be okay. Anyway, I can definetely relate to how you're feeling and even though I know it will be really difficult for both of us, I wish you luck in sorting through your grief.

it's a terrible thing. it is actually 13 months today and it feels like she just passed away yesterday. i know you are having a rough time.. i am to. Because this is our graduating year, it makes it even harder. i need to start focusing on college and i can't seem to. we can help eachother, and we understand eachother which makes it a bit easier.

keep your head up. and if u want to talk to me besides this website.. my email is stephiepoo613@aim.com or you can IM me on Stephiepoo613 hope to hear from you

[minnababy]

i miss my mum so much, all i want is her to hug me && tell me everything will be okay, i get through one day at a time, because i can deal with that, because that way my head can still believe that i'll see her again. if i think about the future without her in it, the fact that i'll never see her again, the pain inside me is intense, i feel so lost && frightened and i can't even breathe properly. how do i stop the pain? it's the worst pain i've ever felt, an emotional pain of missing someone that i never even thought was possible. i just don't know how to get through this, i feel so helpless, i just want to give up. my boyfriend was supportive at first, now it's just like he's had enough, like if i start crying he'll tell me this isn't the best time to get upset, like i can control my sadness, he was the only person i had left && now it feels like i'm losing him too - has anyone else had this? he says he feels useless, but i just want him to comfort me, i wish he understood, i wish somebody understood. 3 months without my mummy, and my life is in pieces, i just spend all my time pretending i'm okay, it's easier that way, but i still cry constantly && my college work is suffering, i think i'm going to get my first bad grade ever and my mum would be disappointed. i feel like i'm expected to carry on with my life as normal, but how can i when it feels as though someone has ripped a big hole in me, a lot of the time my head won't let me believe that i'm never goin to see her again, i still see her walking in the street, then realise it's not her and it kills me. it happens constantly. i don't know how i am ever meant to carry on with life, i never knew anything could hurt this bad, i can't bear to think that i'll probably live more of my life without my mum than with her, i just wish someone would help me because i'm so messed up.

[stephysteph13]

minnababy

let me tell you something. i lost my mom sept of 06 so its been a little over a year yesterday was 13 months. and it feels like yesterday. i feel the same way the people that used to support you are not there anymore. people go on with their regular lives while we are still suffering. some people on the other hand just can't see us upset so they try and avoid the subject. its a tough thing to loose a mom. im strong on the outside but i know there will come a time when i will break. how much can i pretend im fine when im not. its killing me inside but i have that smile on for everyone else. the pain we feel no one will understand unless they have dealt with it. and i dont wish it on my worst enemy. i just miss her so much and yes its not fair. my school work is in and out to and dont feel like you are dissapointing her, because she is proud of you and looking over you

hope to hear from you. i understand.

[katrine]

I feel for you all and send out Love and Healing thoughts. Im currently a student and trying to combine uni and grief and partner,friends, work, house, pets and family. I've felt a bit crazy. Time is slowly meandering toward Dec 19th, the day, two years ago I lost my beautiful mum, my soul fried, my great support. She died of cancer and it was a long drawn out rollarcoaster. Already I feel teary and fragile at times. I'm really struggling with the tension of being able to give myself permission to grieve and the very real time constraints of study etc. I too, am strong on the outside and 'together.' I'ts tiring keeping up a front, so sometimes I share my pain and be real to people about my inner experience. Writing helps me at times, so does visiting my mum's grave. I ask Mum for help and support too, which feels comforting. Sometimes all I can manage Is to lie on the bed for a while and hold my aching heart. Dear libra1 Happy Birthday for the 19th, I too will experience my second bithday on the 28th, Not sure how I will feel, I guess I'll just be open and see what happens. I know Mum would not want me to be so grief ridden, but I cant help thinking what a looong life it will be without her. She always said "just do your best, love" and as messy as it looks thats what I'm trying to do.

[gracerose]

yesterday was 6 months since my mom passed on. i tried not to think about how it's been 6 months. somehow i managed to go through the day alright, but i didn't sleep well last night and i've been sitting up in the dark, early morning hours and thinking of her. the pain is so great. i remember the day she passed away, up until leaving the hospital after the funeral home came to take her. i don't remember much of going back home or the rest of that day. but i remember how it was up to when she passed.

i remember sitting with her, holding her hand, talking to her even though she was not responsive, i remember crying and crying and feeling so lost and helpless. i remember the utter sadness i had inside, nothing has ever been so sad. it seems like the word "sad" just isn't enough to capture the absolute, desolate feeling.

i also remember wondering if each breath was going to be her last and telling her how much i loved her. i remember kissing her and praying. then, i remember her last breath.

my heart hurts so much. and i miss my mom so much. i know she's in a good place, my faith is so strong. but here, it's so very lonely without my mom. i miss her unconditional love, her voice, her comfort, her silliness and her absolute grace in the things life brought her. i wish i could just hug her again, i wish i could just hold her hand again and she would tell me everything is going to be alright.

god bless all of us who walk this incredibly sad and lonely road.

[Guest wendih8@aol.com]

 My mom passed away on 10/5/2007, i am so sad and am not dealing well, it was so unexpected 71 years young went to hospital for a simple liver biopsy,died in 2 days bled to death, it is so hard she was my best friend in the whole world and i miss her so much i cry everyday sometimes i can't stop.I have 4 siblings and we talk all the time now,my husband and 5 children are heaven sent and have helped me alot, i know i will never see my mom again untill I join her in heaven, but i miss her and don't know what to do thanks wendy

[katrine]

Dear Wendi, That must have been a terrible shock for you, you had no time to process anything, or prepare for her death. I am so glad to read that you are surrounded by support, it makes such a tremendous difference.  Seeing a counsellor helped me get through some of the worst times (my Mum died nearly 2 years ago at 61 from cancer).  I still go sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed with grief.  I pray that you recieve much love and comfort in your time of grief. I've found this website invaluable to just go Blaah and release...and share, with others, that GET it.

[eastwestmist]

In mid-January 2007, in a miserable nursing home, my mom died alone in the middle of the night, while the nurses and doctors just ignored her and were asleep. In the morning the nursing home authority gave the family a dead body and a big bill of medications and treatments, which they never used on her. The health ministry (Govt of India) and the police just ignored this case of "homicide by negligence" and the case file has disappeared under thousands of cases until today!

I feel so furious :X that I feel strong urge to brutally kill somebody. I'm probably becoming a psychopath. I'm seriously thinking of suicide. The tragedy is eating my brain up.

I didn't even call her on the phone to say "happy birthday" to her on her last birthday (14th of November 2006). She died with this wrong impression that I don't give a damn about her and I look at her as an annoying burden. We never discussed our feelings and she left forever with that misunderstanding.

My mom was like a "slave" to a huge family (her own in-laws). She cooked, cleaned, washed, served, nursed, listened and cared 20 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year without any modern day's machines. Not to mentioned whole bunch of unannounced guests every other day. She never had a bed or room, she slept on the floor all her life. She wore cheap worn-out clothes. She always ate other people's leftovers and mostly rotten food, and so very little amount and so irregular that she got stomach ulcer. She never even had the time to even brush her hair.

She kept everybody's life going smooth and comfortable. She was famous for her exceptional anxiety about other people's well being. In return this very ungrateful very judgmental family used her as a slave.

She was one of many children of her parents, who didn't really pay attention to her. She suffered all her life and has always been very unlucky. But she accepted it silently.

She was a talented sensitive religious woman. She was a poet, singer and artist. She had a great curiosity over the universe, science, literature, philosophy, music and traveling, but she gave up all her happiness for her family, who never appreciated her. She was such a great admirer of beautiful things. She yearned for reading, but never ever got to see what a computer looks like!

Just before Christmas 2006, she was detected lever cancer. All her blood started turning to water and that water started to accumulate in all the organs in her body and swelled enormously. She lost eyesight. Her feet became heavy like two pillars. She was freezing like ice. But she kept working until her last day came. In mid-January 2007, in a miserable nursing home, she died alone in the middle of the night, while the nurses and doctors just ignored her and were asleep. In the morning the nursing home authority gave the family a dead body and a big bill of medications and treatments, which they never used on her. The health ministry (Govt of India) and the police just ignored this case of "homicide by negligence" and the case file has disappeared under thousands of cases until today!

Her last wish was to listen to my voice from the other side of the globe, which I never had the time for, and to take a look at the pictures from my last vacation, which I never found time to send to her. I didn't even call her on the phone to say "happy birthday" to her on her last birthday (14th of November 2006).

She died with this wrong impression that I don't give a damn about her and I look at her as an annoying burden. We never discussed our feelings and she left forever with that misunderstanding.

All my tears have dried up. I'm dead inside.

The tragedy is eating my brain up. I'm making my husband's life hell. Now I'm obsessed with mediumship, afterlife, haunting, supernatural phenomena etc. I feel so furious that I feel strong urge to brutally kill somebody. I'm probably becoming a psychopath. I'm seriously thinking of suicide. I fear the dark so much that I freak out if somebody turns off the lights!

I have a tendency to shut all feelings up, block out all memories, hide myself in an oyster shell, create my own imaginary world and live life somehow. Most of the time I'm totally numb. Once in a while I burst out and break down. I even avoid talking about the death of my mom, who was such a loving caring parent! It hasn't changed for a single moment in last 9 months.

[Guest deewilkey]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand your pain all too well.  I lost my mom very quick too.  She was diagnosed with lung cancer the day after x-mas 1/26/06 and passed away 19 days later on January 14, 2007.  We were so unprepared and thought she would have a year or more to live.  I am still in shock and miss her so much.  She was 66 years old and was a health fanatic.  She biked 25 miles/day for the last 40 years, ate 2 salads a day, and lived for exercise and family.  We miss her so much.  I have two little ones (7&4) who were so close to her too.  I just don't understand why her. 

Please feel free to vent and cry to me whenever you want.  There are lots of people going through this tough stuff called grief.  We need to be there for each other.

Stacey

 

 

[solemate]

Hi everyone - I haven't posted for a short time - but I have been reading the many posts - thank you everyone for postings your personal thoughts and comments - Its hard for all of us to take the plunge and write our inner most thoughts about our dear Mothers. 

   I wanted to share what happened to me today  - As mentioned before I travel over the very spot where my parents had their accident.  I have struggled with this spot not knowing exactly where and how it happened.  I have read the police reports and coroner reports.   I went to a little shop in the nearby town, drawn by their christmas decorations.  Next door was the ambulance station, and there standing in the door way was an ambulance officer just taking in the fresh air.  I felt a compelling need to go and speak with him and say thank you for their help during that terrible accident.   To my surprise, the gentleman told me he was one of the officers who attended the accident.  I was told that my dear dad had massive injuries and died instantly and that he would not have felt anything.  My dear mum was revived at the scene and was unconscious  with terrible life threathening injuries.  He told me that she didnt suffer and that she was taken to the nearest hospital for attention and then flown to a larger hospital for confirmation and life support. I told him that this was the most difficult duty I have had to perform - agreeing to turn off the life support of my dearest friend and solemate, my Mum.  Our discussion was cut short due to the officer having to go to a call.  Somehow I felt some peace that I have been able to speak with a person who was there at the scene and attended my parents.  Nothings will ever bring them back and I am still numb even though 7 months have now passed.     I read the many post and am continually amazed at the courage of the postings.  We all need this site to vent our thoughts and suggestions.  Thank you Beyond Indigo.   I am taking my parent's ashes to Ireland in March next year and this will be a bitter sweet trip.  Is anyone from Ireland?? - I still miss them constantly and have good and bad days.  The grief counsellor was right - you go from highs to lows and a range of emotions - whether it be all in one day or spread over days or months.  I can't seem to let go -  I carry their love inside me but I am scared if I let go, I will forget them.  How do others feel? - Solemate (I walk in my Mother's shoes)

[minnababy]

tomorrow will be 4 months since my mum died, i'm dreading it. i hate the 3rd of every month. i've got through the others okay but for some reason i'm worried about tomorrow. i don't know whether this is weird or not but i still can't really believe my mum is gone. it feels like this is just a test, if i can prove i can live without her for like a year or something then she'll come back, stupid i know. 4 months feels like such a long time, yet at the same time it feels like just yesterday that i was looking after her, the thought that this is my life now and i will never ever see her again makes me feel so scared i can't even breathe properly, i just miss her so much, i want her to hug me so much and i want to talk to her, just talk about everything. i just want my mum back. i have never felt so painfully alone ever, even though i'm not totally alone there is just a constant emptiness, i'm scared of forgetting any little thing about her, i can't even hear her voice properly anymore, every day i have flashbacks of the day she died and how i didn't know what to do and how i couldn't help her. my mum was everything to me. i'm dreading christmas day by day, i don't want there to be a christmas this year, christmas is a family time and i don't have a family anymore. my world is in pieces. i hate the constant changing of emotions. i really really need my mum.

[mofirefly]

Solemate - Good to see your post.  I have gone back to work parttime and don't get on the boards much, and still am having trouble with these new boards.  It sounds really nice that you'll be taking you parents to Ireland...altho I can't begin to imagine the emotions you will be having.  After my mom's accident I wanted as many details as possible - that's the way some people are - and the only person I haven't talked to is the driver of the dump truck that hit the car my mom was a passenger in.  There was nothing he could have done to avoid the accident as the driver of the care mom was in had run a stop sign right in front of him.  I so want to discuss what happened at the scene with him but I'm not sure if it will upset him to talk about something like that - so I'm considering sending him a letter.  I hope you and all the others on this site are having a moment of peace every now and then to help endure the missing of our loved ones.  Take care.

[solemate]

hi minnababy and mofirefly - good to hear your words again.   - Im with you - the new boards are different and take a bit to get used to :shock: 

Minnababy - I feel your comments close to my heart - I too couldnt believe - still cant that my Mum and Dad are both gone.  I also have direct family members - husband, daughter and son - yet I crave so much for the contact of my parents.  I loved them so much that 3, 4, 7 - mths or years  - I doubt the feeling will ever leave me.  I have found some peace in the art of scrap booking their memories - lots of tears and happy moments as I continue to look at their photos and paste their memories for the future.  Funny when i write the word future I recall that not many of us ever post that word.  I would like to think that the future could be brighter for all of us - I know it can be - albeit a long journey filled with pain, sorrow, joy and challenges.

When I go over seas in March next year I will have some spare time in England, Ireland, France and Scotland.  Would love to hear from anyone in those locations - I have a Beyond Indigo friend in England so I will be seeing Daddyslittle girl - I'm sure our meeting will be filled with tears.   Mofirefly I also have a beyond indigo friend in USA slimoperasinger and hope to go to USA one day, Maybe I can catch up with you too.

My email address is costigan@bigpond.net.au  - cheers and take care Gayle

 

 

 

[alysonm]

I'm not doing good at all. I really just don't know what to do. I feel so lost. On halloween I found this card in my desk that my mom had sent me last halloween. A year ago I would have never even imagined that she would be dead this year.

Last weekend I went to her house. Her husband wasn't there. I wouldn't have gone if he had been there. It's the second time I've been there since she died (she died on Aug 16). almost everything of hers is gone. The kitchen table is gone. She loved that table. Her husband moved the bed in their room around and got rid of all her clothes.  There is nothing left of hers in the bathroom. Her face wash is gone, all of her perfume is gone. All of her books were scattered on the floor, he got rid of her bookcases. I don't want her to be gone. I wanted so badly to go to her house and walk in have her be there, and tell me this all one huge mightmare or joke, anything but reality.  I can't even describe how badly I wanted her to be there, just this intense yearning and disillusionment.

I'm just so depressed. I can't concentrate on anything at school and the thing is I don't even care that I'm not doing my homework or going to class. UGH. I just don't get it. And I feel so irritated and almost angry. I just hate this. i want to go back to the last day I spent with her and live it a thousand times over, either that or sleep until this is gone, until it gets better. It's too hard. I don't know how to live without her.

[gracerose]

alysonm,

i'm so sorry to hear of your loss. my heart hurts for you, and all of us, who have lost our moms. my mom passed away at the end of april this year so my grief is still new even though over 6 months have passed.

last week was her birthday and the week before and this week have been extremely hard for me.

what i have learned for myself so far, is that the pain comes and goes as time goes on. i'll be doing okay, even have my happy times, then out of the blue i feel like i got punched in the heart and i'm despondent. i cry when i need to and just let it out. i spend time with my family, i journal, i go to grief counselling, i read grief books, i talk with my closest friend, i spend time alone too. over time i'm learning to have happy times, but it took a while to laugh again.

i accept that this is how i'm going to feel for some time. there is no one way, we all learn to cope in our own way. there are no rules or guidelines, our grief process is as unique as we are and is determined by so many things.

trust that you too will find your way somehow, some way. losing our moms is one of the most significant losses we will have. for me, it is the most significant loss i've had to bear. i have also found that talking to my mom and prayer is one of the best things i do for myself.

i have not been to my mom's house since july and even then i could only go for a short time, it was so hard to be there without her there. it is a home that was filled with her love, a place of many happy memories, yet i can't go there again yet. i have also accepted that i will go there when i'm ready and whenever that is, that's when it is.

i don't know if this helps you but i do feel for your pain and sorrow. i too came across many years worth of birthday cards, christmas cards, valentine's day cards from my mom and it made me so sad. and when i read about the card you found from your mom, i could somehow relate in my way.

take care of yourself, your mom would want you to. that's what i tell myself and it helps me. god bless you...

[stephysteph13]

I'm not feeling too great lately. Everything is bothering me.. and i just don't know what to do without my mom. It feels like my happiness is gone. I just want to hug her like all my friends can and i cant. I'm trying to find happiness but it is real hard, I just really need her especially through this time of my life. College is approaching and it's so hard to motivate myself and actually concentrate. I am a very involved person in school, and when I'm busy It doesn't bother me as much, but the second I'm by myself it hits hard. I know she is watching over me but its so hard without her hear.

thanks for listening to me ramble. just i feel crappy :?

Steph

[missque]

I had posted this on another board but wanted to come post it here for you all aswell.

I wanted to come post here for you all. My father died when i was 15 I'm now 22 years old. I know people will tell you it gets better and it will be okay and you might not believe them at first but i promise it's true. I still think of him a lot and i still miss him but its not the way you do in the first years of it all. I'm now back and posting in the loss of a partner area. My boyfriend died in a car accident. I keep telling myself that i will be okay and it will get better because i know from experience it does but its hard to believe it right now. I know you may think im crazy or not believe me, but it will be okay and it will get better.

thinking of you all

[dclnmurray]

Hi All

I am 46 and lost mum on Thurs 8th Nov 2007. 

The whole family was around (two sisters and Dad) when Mum took her last breath and as we are an open family we wept and cried together after mums passing.

Dad is Irish so we held a wake in honour of mum's life which in itself was a beautiful thing.

Anyway the problem is this is the second night I am having trouble getting to sleep as I am so saddened.

Is there anything I can target to overcome my grief, counselling, etc?

thanks

Dave

[solemate]

Dave, I am so sorry for your loss and my best regards to you and your family during this difficult journey.  As you can see from the picture of me and my parents -  Although we are all Australian, they both had an  Irish background (more Mum) - I will be soon taking their ashes to Ireland.  I found when they both died on the one day (hrs apart - from a car accident) I found that I was numb for a long time.  I found it very difficult to come to terms to the fact of agreeing to turn off my mum's life support - not to mention the fact of accepting that my Dad was killed in the accident hrs early.  By attending grief counselling, I have found that this is a must.  We all have so much to unload and speaking with a non-judgemental person usually helps.  Family and friends can be a great support, but in my case my only immediate family close to me became distant and things turned bad.  We all grieve differently and time is the only healer.  I have scrap booked my parents and their history and this has been helpful.  Doctors are reluctant to give you any tablets and encourage you to eat and drink when you feel able to.  I lost 5 kilos in the first week then put back the 5 plus more by comfort eating.  Be kind to yourself and let your emotions flow - Its natural for you to go through several stages of grief - whether its all in one day or over days or months or years.   You are yet to go through funeral arrangements and arrangements thereafter.   My parents are locked into my memory and my heart and although its only been 7 mths it seems forever - I hope that you have some support and if not seek it out.   - I wish you well on your journey and hope to see you post from time to time to say hello and when needed seek help.  We are all with you during the time ahead - feel safe here and say what you want to say - it helps - Take care - Gayle

[Edmund]

my heart goes out to all of you, steph i feel a lot like you & still missing my mom since she passed in 8/06 & can't find any happiness in life, just lonliness & despair. everything seems wrong & i'm very afraid-please all pray for each other,thanx. mom was irish from galway & boy do i miss her lovely brogue! ed

p.s. i don't like this new graphic format @ all! can't work w/it

[stephysteph13]

well here it is almost 1 in the morning and i cant friggin sleep :/

i miss my mom soo much. why a person has to sit and suffer without a mom is beyond me. i cant understand how god could do this. i havent quite forgiven him yet even though i know she is in abetter place.i just want her back, and for everything to be happyagain. she was my best friend, and i want to hug her talk to her SOMETHING. everytime i think i'm doing good i get depressed again. right now i feel so shitty im shaking and everything. my insides are torn it feels like. oh how i need her just to be here with me telling me everything will be alright. i dont understand will this pain ever ease? will i be myself ever again?

i dont think i can without her here. im so depressed and i dont like this feeling. i just want to lay in bed. i have no energy to even get up. its sad. i have school in 6 hours and idk how im making it through the day. the holidays coming up i think is what is really getting to me rough. i want to sleep through the holidays and not even celebrate them bc they arent the same without her.

thanks for listening to me rant i need to vent big time!

well im going to try and get some sleep

hope everyone is doing alright.

steph

[Guest eveningqueen]

I is the time of the holidays and I cant stop thinking about my mom who passed  in April 2005....it hurt so bad... I want to talk to  my mama.... feels good to beable to tell that to someone.... thanks.

[Guest cherylk]

I too, lost my mom this year, August 16 2007. I found I did well in the first month or so--but I have since fallen back into being unhappy--crying all the time etc. I do have a husband and my youngest son (age 16) still at home, and they do help take my mind off of things. My mom and dad live right next door. She was my everything. My mom, my sister--my best friend. I have no sisters, my brother lives an hour away and no longer comes up to visit, and my other brother and I do not connect. Mom and I were together every day. Now I have a huge void in my life. I feel like I was living life with rose colored glasses on, and now someone has taken them off. I miss her so much. I never dreamed she wouldn't be here this year for the holidays etc... I am going away with my husband for Thanksgiving--as it would be too much to stay here. But then I have Christmas to deal with. I was in a dept. store yesterday and heard a Christmas Carol and began crying. I just couldn't take all the hustle and bustle of people Christmas shopping. My mom and I love Christmas. I don't even want to decorate--but I will for my son. Plus I would probably feel worse if I didn't. I just feel like I want to move somewhere else. Its so hard waking up and seeing her house every day--and then my poor dad is 79, just a shell of a man and to see him grieve is heartbreaking, but we try to put on a strong front like we're all doing well. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a mom. I never dreamed anything would be this hard! All my best to you.

[solemate]

Hi everyone - thanks Beyond Indigo for creating a new listing - Difficult Events - Coping with Holidays - I encourage people to write a posting in this spot - I have started the chain and hope that this site is a place where we can list our feelings on what is a difficult time for most of us - Christmas holiday time - take care everyone  - Gayle

[paula7777]

hi steph, i know exactly all the feelings your describing too, i lost my mum a month a go and she was only 58. i am too struggling sleeping and find myself asking why my mum over an over in my mind..... i have just started to cry alot and its very hard. hope your doin ok today and your in my thoughts and i lit a candle today for you in church to help you with your grief an pain paula x:)

[paula7777]

hi i too understand your feeling that your mum has been erased from the house me and my sisters had to empty her apartment and it was like we were rubbing her out its very hard. your in my thoughts... my mum only passed away one month ago. take care paula x

[Guest stephiepoo13]

paula, thanks so much for your reply. i'm doing alright for the most part, but definitely feeling a bit depressed all of the time and it does stink. I really appreciate you lighting a candle for me I have been struggling a lot too bc its my senior year and i dont have my mom to watch me go through it. its very rough, and having no one who really understands is hard also. i wish she was here with me but i cant bring her back and knowing that makes me more depressed.

 

how are you feeling? if i may ask how old are you?

i hope your doing okay, and you can always  talk to me if you want to... we can definitly keep in touch.

my email is stephaniemessina@msn.com

feel free to email me when you are upset

[paula7777]

hi steph i am 33, my mum was only 58. keep up with your school work as i am sure that is what your mum would want you to do. i am finding it very hard today its nearly 1 am here and i am still not able to sleep..... have you any sisters to chat to steph, i have 2 one 35 and one 26 and 8 months pregnant they seem to doing musc better than me... have a easy weekend and take care paula x

[stephysteph13]

Hi Paula,

yeah  1'm trying to stay strong and keep up wth my school work bc my mom would want me to. but i'm finding it hard to stay focused. how do you get through every day? I struggle more than anyone can imagine.

Do you feel like people don't understand and that you are alone? Sometmes do you get upset because people kind of don't want to hear it.... it sucks that i don't have any siblings I'm an only child. it's hard when i have no one who feels the exact same thing, and i dont have much family either.  I cant accept the fact that she wont see me graduate, have kids, get married or anything. Everyday that goes by something reminds me of my mom.  I do have a lot of support in school which i'm very thankful for.

I attached a picture of my mom and me to this post.

Hope you are doing okay.

steph

[paula7777]

hi evening steph, wow how much do you look like your mum what a lovely photo. what you upto for thanks giving we dont do that in uk, so hope you have lots of people to be with as i am sure your worried about it like i am about xmas and my mums birthday on 23 december.  i have had a mixed day i was lying on kitchen floor today crying so much it hurt just wanting for my mum to hug me and say its all ok paula, instead my dog came and woofed at me for being silly.. went to bingo with my little sister and won 5OO POUNDS i have seemed to very lucky with  money an stuff since my mum passed away.. good to hear from you , have a good week in college paula x

 

 

 

[stephysteph13]

thanks i'm a senior in high school not college. Christmas is really depressing me ALOT. I went through the "firsts" of everything. first xmas, birthday, etc without her, and to be honest the second year is only getting harder. I'm not trying to scare you just being honest. The pain is going to get harder before it becomes easier. I'm feeling rather crappy myself so I'm going to work on some school work to try and get my mind off of things...

keep your head up! i'm here to talk to. I may be only 17 but I think, act, and talk as if i was an adult. I've been through a lot over the past few years, and it's only made me stronger and more mature.

Take care

steph:)

[Guest Heidi]

The pain is like a cut that can heal and then the scab can be ripped open and it all feels so raw again.  I can empathise with how you are feeling - at times it seems easier and other times it is overwhelming and engulfing. 

My own mother died nine years ago when I was seventeen, since then I have taken on parental responsibility of my two younger half brother (5yrs and 8yrs at the time) - they did not have any contact with their own father.  They have been a source of strength but it has also complicated the grief process - having to try and fulfil a 'mother' role for my brothers when I so desperately need a mother myself. 

The pain does not go away completely - it ebbs, recedes and flows - just at the weekend I felt so lost and hurt all over again - the pain felt like it was physically hurting my chest.  But at least I can smile now when I think about my beautiful mother and feel blessed for having those few short years with her. 

In all honesty, sometimes I hate feeling so much pain and hurt and other times I don't want to NOT feel this way - if that makes sense...

Time will help but rather than putting pressure on yourself to 'get over' your loss, take time to celebrate your love for your mother and you will be able to 'get through' the pain and grief. 

[stephysteph13]

Hi Heidi,

I feel depressed a lot too. I'm 17 and no siblings. Did it take you a long time to cope? I'm depressed that i have to graduate without her there etc.. i want to feel happy but it's too hard right now. she only has been gone a little over a year, and it feels like it happened yesterday. I want her to hold me just one more time, but for both of us that can't happen. Do you still have bad days, weeks, etc.? I feel all alone because no one gets the pain of losing a mom.

Hope we could talk some more

steph

[solemate]

Miss you Mum - I am off to the Museum to help identify their old dolls - we were to do this together and I will miss your expert help.  There will be some tears as I work my through the many dolls they want identified.   I am hoping that I could at least dedicate a spot in your memory - time will tell.  I have been buying dolls in my Mums memory (I also love collecting them) - if anyone has an old doll that needs a new loving home pls  contact me at costigan@bigpond.net.au  - My mum loved the old french and german dolls and was a master crafts women.  She won many doll show competitions and was a judge for many years.  The doll world has lost a wonderful person and great advocate for this craft.  I am very proud of you Mum and all that you have achieved, I only wish I had your expert talents.  I will some day get out your beloved sewing machine and use it to create my own new doll outfits, but for the present I just cant bring myself to use it. - love and miss you (and Dad) every day - gayle

 

[paula7777]

hi veronica, i had a similar day to you today! i went round the local antiques fair today and the car boot sales, mum an i used to do this once a month an this is the 1st time i have done at with out her. mum would advise me what was rubbish and what was valueable, we would often disagree on what was nice or not an have a really good laugh. we last did this in sept 07 and i remember getting inpatient with her chattin an giving people advise about there stuff an being generally nice and this has really upset me today. i miss her so much , we used to do alot together on the weekend. my mum collected baxter glass she had dealt in a few bisque headed pretty old dolls but she sold everything so fast....  i am sure your mum would be very proud of you getting her sewing machine out and making the dolls clothes. mum and i used to go and play tournament poker in the casino every friday sundayand wednesday night but since mum has passed over i have not had the strength to go to poker. but like you i am sure i will find the strength to did some time soon because i imagine she would like me to continue doing our things that we enjoyed so much. enjoy the rest of your weekend soulmate..... paula x

[solemate]

hi paula - thanks for your kind words - I am sure you will play poker again - maybe your mum will be watching over you and may bring you some luck.  I am over in England around March next year - If you would like a quick visit contact me on costigan@bigpond.com.au  I will be taking my Mum and Dads ashes to Ireland to my Mum's family churchyard.  I am a little older than you and 5 years younger than your Mum.  Its early days for you (and I) and I know our journey is full of emotions and struggles on a daily basis.  Let your feelings show and be proud that you are a legacy from your dear mum, from your posts I can see how much you loved her. Take care paula - Gayle

[Guest anne]

i know i am not the only one, but it felt like i was , until i read the posts on here.  i lost my dear mum on 29th june this year, and i just dont want christmas to come. i cant be bothered witht the christmas songs on the radio, the hustle and bustle, and the excitement of little children i see shopping with there mums.  i have 2 grown up kids, and although they were excellent when my mum first died, i feel like they maybe think i should be over it now. i can have a good day then a bad day, or a good morning and bad afternoon,  then a good minute followed by a bad one. 

the dreams get worse, when i dream she comes back to life.  not dreams of her alive, but where she actually comes back to life. i am 47 and its quite frightening. i have just had my first birthday without her, and christmas is around the corner. i am depressed, and i hate everything.  work especially. 

sometimes my sister rings me all upset, and if i am calm, i am sort of accused of not caring...........which is absolute rubbish of course.  i just try to keep it together for her, tehn put the phone down and cry my eyes out.  my mum died so horribly that i cant get that out of my mind . and i am thinking about getting some kind of help from a counsiller.