Loss of a Mother

[stephysteph13]

your poem is good. i feel the same way. you can always talk to me. i really understand. im so depressed right now and i feel like i just cant snap out of it. ive been in a serious "funk" since thanksgiving and its only getting worse. losing a mom is devistating! its a horrible thing and dont listen to people if they tell you to be fine.. they dont get it they have their mom. ill be okay then ill hear someone say the word "mom" and i freak because it hurts, hurts so much. im a senior in high school and got accepted to Felcian College and i cant tell her, im graduating and she cant be there. its not fair, but i know ill make her proud, and thats what we have to think unfortuntely. there are alot of great people on this site, and this is the only place i feel like i can express how i feel and not feel guilty about it. i used to talk about it so much, but lately ive been closing up, and there are only very few people that ill talk to about it, because i feel like people dont care anymore, so ive become real quiet about it. just choosing to stay quiet when someone wants to know whats wrong has been a part of my life. counseling is the thing that keeps me sane. i recommend it if u dont already. its an outside person to be there for you, and will never stab you in the back. i lost my mom over a year ago and the pain is so intense right now, i dont know if ill ever be able to be happy ever every again!

im always here. hope u are feeling better.

steph

if you want post a pic of you and her on here i would love to see how beautiful she is

[wendetha]

It has been almost two years now since my mother's death, and I am still finding new holes in my heart. I am grateful that she attended my wedding, that we had a lot of time to bond as adults, and that I got to spend time with her after we found out she was dying. Still, somewhere amidst all of the love and hope she inspires in me, I also feel a constant fear. I have withdrawn from most of the people and activities I loved before. Since I recently accepted a new job and moved to a new city, it has been difficult to pick up where I left off. I do not have children yet, but am hoping to get to that soon. I hope I will be a good mother without my own mom standing by to offer advice. I will definitely tell my children all about her. I hope that I can rebuild myself and find happiness and comfort again. Has anyone else dealt with new fears or questioned their faith after losing their mom? I want to believe she still exists somewhere, but I frequently doubt myself. Thanks for your honesty and support of each other. The advice here is wonderful, from learning to nurture yourself to recommended reading. I am glad that I found it!

[chicagogina]

Your poem is BEAUTIFUL and expresses just how I feel. My Mom, my Best Friend, my traveling buddy, the Light of my life is gone ... So, what is left for me now? At 50 years old, I have to find a whole NEW "me" somehow and I just don't know where to turn or how to do that. Oh, how I envy people with a husband and children and SOMETHING or SOMEONE to turn their attention to so I'm not so darn ALONE in all this sorrow. I hate it and wonder how and IF I'll EVER feel whole again ...

[sheela]

Debie your post is so true and iam so sorry to hear that your boys always fight there is family like that in my own -- hugs

[teenatoons1]

I lost my mother to Breast cancer and other complications from it twenty years ago, September 17, 1987.  I was 12 year old.  my sister was 17 years old.  We watched her get sick.  We watched her get her chemotherapy.  We watched her suffer and die for four years. Dad was a work-o-holic so mom was the one who ultimitly raised us.  Dad tried his best to help, but work came first.  He was just trying to make sure we had everything we needed.  He was worried about mom too and I think it was his way of coping.  Mom and dad were very close.  The year mom died, she must have known that it was her last.  She insisted that my dad take time from work and spend a family vacation together.  Dad said we couldn't afford it and mom said she didn't know how much longer she was going to live so we were going.  We went to some tourist attractions in our state.  We were gone from home about two or three nights.  We stayed in a seedy hotel because that is all we could afford.  :DWe all slept in the same room.  Mom made it fun.  Dad enjoyed himself too. 

Within a month before mom died, she started to lose her strength in her legs.  She spent a lot of time in their bedroom until she finally became confined to it.  Two weeks before she died, she stared having family members and friends come to visit her in her room.  She had us come in individually.  She told us things that she wanted us to know and she had us to ask her anything we wanted to know about her or any questions that she could answer.  During this time, my mother's mother asked her what she thought she would miss the most about life.  My mom said although she would miss my sister and I meeting our 1st loves, our weddings, and other such milestones in life, she would miss her grandchildren the most.  She did her best to prepare us all for her death.  I haven't heard of anyone going to such great lengths to do this, before or since my mother did it for us.

Within 9 months after my mother's death, my father was diagnosed with a rare nerve disease.  I spell it wrong most of the time, but it is something like this: Guillian Bere Syndrome.  The disease eats the sheath that covers the nerves inside the body.  This exposes them to the inside of the body.  I have been told by many dr.s, pamphelts, books, and people in the family who have researched it as best as they could, that this is excruciatingly painful.  Dad was disabled.  I was sent to live with my mother's parents while dad tried to rehabilitate himself at the VA hospital over 200 miles from where we lived.  He had to put mind over matter and do most of the work himself because the VA had nothing to go on to help him.  He was basically there to work with therapists who helped individuals rehabilitate after sudden loss of mobility in most of the body.  At his worst, dad lost the use of his legs and was losing his arms and hands as well.  He has learned to walk inspite of his lack of feeling in his legs.  I thank GOD that he was given such a strong will to survive. 

My grandfather was still dealing with the loss of my mother, his little girl, so when I came to live with him and my grandmother, it was like getting his little Elaine back.  I look like her, act like her, and even have little manurisms that he was unable to seperate us.  My mom and her parents were very close, especially my mom and her dad.  They had many of the same interests and had become close friends as well as father and daughter.  After I confronted my grandfather about my grandmother being my grandmother not my mother, he apologized and explained that he was having a hard time dealing with my mother's death because they had been so close.  I had even more respect for him after that.  It was still hard being called by my mother's name because I was only 13 and trying to become my own person.  He did aplogize if he caught himself.  While living with them, I too became closer to my grandfather.  I found that he was a very interesting person. 

In high school, I through myself into writing poems and short stories.  I wrote one that my English teacher mistook for a cry for help and sent me to the guidance counselor for help.  I could not get them to realize that it had just been something that I had written from the point of view of most of the girls I knew.  NOT ME!  I know this sounds like denial,but it was true.  Most of my friends were dealing with issues in their lives as well.  I found myself tending to be a sort of counsleor for them. The school guidance counslor sent me to professinal counseling.  They pushed drugs from the very fisrt day.  After hearing the the same thing for two years, evry visit(NOT AN EXAGERATION), I inally gave in to them.  I was given Zoloft.  In one week, I was in a mental health care facility with suicidal thoughts.  Before the Zoloft, I had no prior thoughts of suicide.  They didn't even get me off of the drugs, they swithed me to Pamalor or nortriptoline.  I can't remember whiich is the generic.  I was on the original then they swiched me to the generic at a later time.  I was never the same after that.  I no longer enjoyed life.  I just survived it.  I thought maybe I was the only one seeing this because the dr. and the counselors were refusing to take me off of them.  Many years later I taked to my grandmother about how the drugs affected me and she had confirmed that I was never the same after I had been drugged.  She too had noticed that I had retreated into a small group of people and I refused to let anyone in my family in.  I refused to let them know what I was feeling, because I had become afraid of what else could happen to me.  After 3 years of existance, I talked to my family dr. and told him that I never did feel right on the meds and the Phych. refused to take me off of them.  He wrote me a perscription for the meds so I could ween off at a slower pace.  I felt 90% better once the drugs were out of my system.  I felt like I could breath again. 

Even though I had a horrifying experience with counselors, I still think that people should concider seeing one.  They aren't all as bad as I had.  I know this, because I had to see one after the birth of my son.  I had started feeling the heaviness again so I talked to a counselor that gave me hope without drugs.  I also know that all are ot bad because I am currently in college to become a grief counselor for teens.  I know that some of them just need someone to listen and not judge them.   

[solemate]

Hello everyone on the boards - I have been away for several weeks working and have missed your many messages.  I have just caught up and read peoples comments and it seems to me that no matter how old we are, when or how we lost our dear Mum, we all miss her terribly and have a huge void in our heart.  So many of us share the deepest of our thoughts and use the board to vent our inner most thoughts.  Its been 10 mths now since I lost both parents and it doesnt surprise me that I still have days of despair and grief.  Small things still remind me of that terrible day and I still have bad days of tears that just flood down my face.  My Mother (and father) will live as long as I will remember them  - this will be forever.  I am soon to travel to Ireland and Scotland so that I can take some of their ashes to place in their respective family churchyards.  I recently had a tarrot reading - never done this before and it was only a short reading.  Interesting what was said - You can either believe in this or not - The reading was about me and the type of person I am and where I may be going in my life.  My Mum would be proud of me that I have turned out to be a caring person who has a genuine compassion for other people.  My Dad was also very proud of me and the achievements that I have been able to do.  I have no longer any parents to talk to, I miss them so much but I must move on for my own sake and the sake of my own family.  I am taking little steps and trying to understand the complex nature of grief.  Since I have lost my Mum, I have a terrible regret that I should have supported her more when she lost her dear Mum many years ago.  I was a young Mum at the time and swept up in day to day family matters.  I'm sorry Mum I could have given you more time to help you through your grief period.  Before the accident, Mum and I were working towards loosing some weight - I dont have that support now and find that I eat for comfort - I am trying hard to eat healthy but at times slip.  Mum the days drift by and a vision of you and dad entering my front door are still so clear.  One day I will erase your voices from the telephone answering system - but not yet - I am not ready to.  Your symbol is a rainbow and these have been popping up all over the place.  When I miss you the most, I look for one of my rainbows and smile knowing that you and Dad are with me. Thank you for being my parents - your darling daughter Gayle  - Take care everyone  

[severn]

I'm just finding it so hard right now. I miss her so much. I'm wondering how to walk through this world without her. She was really sick, as I said further down the page, for all of her life really, and before she died I'd have dreams about her dying all the time. She lived 8 years longer than she should have, especially after she had a brain hemorrhage when I was in my early 20's. So, I felt like I lost her a long time ago. When she did die I dreamed about her being alive, which was horrible to wake up to - the feeling that she should be there. I guess my brain has caught up, because now I do dream of her being gone, and the feeling that I wake with - horrible grief and loss - stays all day. She was my whole world when I was a kid. I have no siblings, and I had a bad childhood - she was everything. Best friend, confidant, mother, playmate, the shield I hid behind. I feel so exposed, even at 30, even after losing her to mental illness. I just want her to come back. I keep hoping she's around somewhere, listening, watching. She never even got to meet my wonderful husband. How's this for sad irony - she died 2 days after he and I admitted we loved each other. (We'd been friends for months). I'd been previously engaged to a man she really liked, and she was so pleased I was going to marry. I broke up with him in July 2006. She died in August 2006. She died knowing I was alone again, when she so desperately wanted me to settle down, and have emotional security after the hell that life had been. It breaks my heart that she'll never meet him, or her grandkids.

For all that though, I just miss her with an abiding, enduring ache that never goes away.

I love you Mum, I love you. I'm so sorry I was too late to say goodbye.

[ps90247]

Hi.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom on 12/26/07 (the day after Christmas).  She was hospitalized on 11/23/07 for what we thought was pneumonia.  Turned out she had severe emphysema and after 11 days of intubation, I decided to remove the life support and she passed away 8 1/2 hours later.  She would never have wanted a tracheostomy, and I wanted her to pass away with dignity.    I had no idea she was that ill.  She put up a hell of a fight but in her final few days, I think she knew she wasn't going to make it (and neither did my wife or me).  My mom grabbed my hand and my wife's hand (when she was intubated) and my wife and I both took that gesture as that the three of us will always be together.  That absolutely tore me up. 

I miss her terribly...last Saturday (1/26/08) marked the 1-month anniversary of her passing.  I was depressed all weekend.  I hope I can get over this.  My mom most definitely would want me to...I have my wife and job.  I think about my mom several times each day, and I break down at least once every day.  I've broken down in front of my wife and at my job and some people at work have asked me if I'm OK.  My mom and I were so very close...she was only child and so am I.  My dad passed away in 05/98.  I think I am in the 4th stage of grief (depression) and that is the phase I am afraid may take an awful long time to get over.  I am going to get some therapy and I hope that will help.  I have some living to do (I am 48).  My mom was 78 and I thought for sure she was going to be around another 5 years at least, possibly 10.

I know the first year without my mom is going to be painful...especially when her birthday (March), Mother's Day, and my birthday come around, because those were special days for the two of us.  I will try to stay strong as best I can.

 

[solemate]

dear PS90247  - my deepest thoughts are with you and your wife.  I lost my dear mother on 25th March last year and find that the phases of grief can all be in one day or over several days.  I agreed to turn off my Mums life support after she and my father were in a terrible accident - that accident took the life of my father and within several hrs later that same day the life of my mother.  They were both in their mid 70s and like you I thought that Mum would be around for some years yet to come.  Dont be hard on yourself, After the initial period of shock I survived by going to therapy and venting on these boards.  I still cry often and have trouble in accepting that I had agreed to let Mum go.  Simply in my circumstances, I felt I was letting her down and was 'putting her down' I know in my heart that it was the kindest thing I have ever done for my Mum, but I still cant help but feel that I shouldnt have done it. I have photos beside my computer and as I write this posting, tears roll down my eyes - Im 53 and still want my Mum - Many of us on these boards feel similar emotions and have one thing in common, the loss of our dear mums.  Let your grief travel its natural path, whatever it will be.  You live as long as you are remembered, and I am sure you will remember your dear Mum forever. But for the moment, it hurts.  I have unconditional support from my husband and it seems that you have that support from your wife.  I forgot at one stage that he too misses my parents and he also needed time to grieve, after all he knew them for many years and was very close to them.  I know they both adored him.  PS90247 when you feel the need come on line and vent your feelings, whatever they may be. You are safe on these boards and everyone is very supportive of your feelings.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - Take care and let your grief run its course - time is not to be calculated when it comes to grief, each person is different.  Learn to be kind to yourself and execpt that this journey has started with an ending and is now at a beginning, only you know when you are at peace.  Be kind to yourself and I hope that during your journey, people will help you and you can allow yourself to find some happiness.  Gayle

[ps90247]

Thank you, Gayle.  I figured that by talking to others who have also lost their moms is good therapy, as well as going to a therapist.  Many of the people I know (including my wife and my best friend) both have both their parents still alive, so they don't know what I am going through.  They are doing their very best to give me their support, and they have gone above and beyond the call of duty.  But it is nice to get a different viewpoint, from someone who has gone through the same loss I have experienced, because that person knows how it feels to lose a mom.  I know you are going to do fine, Gayle, and I believe I will also.  I guess there is no timetable; I should know when I am at peace.    Paul

[alysonm]

I've been having a hard time the past few days. I guess most of the time I think about my mom but it doesn't really sink in that I'm not going to see her ever again, but the other night it just really hit that I am not EVER going to see her again, unless I die, which may not be for a very long time. It was just this major slap me in the face moment and I broke down in my room and bawled. I just wanted so badly to see her. i am in counseling not only for grief issues but depression and ptsd as well. I am supposed to write a letter this week to my mom, but I don't want to, I just don't feel ready to do that yet. I feel like writing a letter to her, will in some way be like letting her go and I don't want to do that.  I feel like every day away from the day she died is another day farther away from her and i hate that. I feel like the grief is my main issue right now but it's being treated as sort of a side note, I don't know

I haven't had a dream about my mom or with her in it since October, I just want to see her. She visists my sister in her dreams. I've skipped class 3 times this week and it's onnly the third week of school this semester. I can't fall into that again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like my mom would know what to do. I just miss her. and I'm not really connecting with this counselor I just started seeing her in December and I stopped seeing my old counselor because of an issue related to services and I just really miss my old counselor. I just don't see how cognitive behavioral therapy is helpful for grief, at least for grief that is recent and relatively new. I don't know I'm just feeling sad and discouraged.

[arthurlee]

Hello everyone.  I just thought I'd come on here and tell some people that my mum, who I loved so dearly, was killed in a car crash in Peru on january 13th.  I'm absolutely devastated as are our whole family.  Mum's funeral is tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to it.  Why do these sorts of things happen to such lovely, warm and giving people.  I loved my mum so much, she was perfect and I never had anything but love and happiness from her.  I'm so gutted.  I just pray, even though I'm not religious at all, that I see her again one day.  I never had the chance to say goodbye which really hurts.

 

[ps90247]

Hi, Alyson:  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss; I most definitely feel your pain.  I hope the therapy sessions improve for you.  I'm seeing therapist for the first time tomorrow and we will see how it goes.  My wife, my best friend, and the people here at work have gone above and beyond the call of duty in their support for me.  I hope you have a good support group, because without it, it is going to be extremely tough.  I haven't written any letters to my mom but I talk to her every day, letting her know how much I (still) love her and miss her so very much.  I can definitely feel her spirit with me.  My mom has not yet appeared in my dreams since she passed but I am looking forward to if and when she appears and what she will have to say to me.  I would like to know from her that she is happy where she is now (that she won't have to suffer anymore) and that she is happy with me. 

Hang in there; hopefully, time will heal the pain.

[ps90247]

Hi, Arthur.  I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  It definitely has to hurt so much to not have been able to say goodbye.  In my case, I was able to say goodbye to my mom.  She was hospitalized from 11/23/07 until her passing on 12/26/07.  I did not know for sure if she was going to make it or not until 12/15/07, when she was intubated (she died of respiratory failure).  Once she was intubated, I started preparing myself for the inevitable.  So at least I was a little prepared for her passing but I still feel like it was sudden.  At least my wife and I were by her bedside when she passed.  My mom was cremated on 1/5/08 and her ashes were scattered at sea on 1/11/08 (per her wishes).  She told me a while back that she wanted to be cremated but she was adamant about me not keeping her ashes, so I respected her wishes.  I thought that after the sea-scattering, I would find peace, but I have not as of yet.  I suppose it is just going to take time to heal the wounds.  I hope you find some peace after her funeral but if you do not, you are not alone.  Hang in there and stay strong.

[arthurlee]

Thanks a lot for your words mate.  Even though I don't have a clue who you are, it is so good that someone else can relate to what I am going through.  I too am very sorry to hear of your loss.  Even at this tender stage, I am finding that I am feeling amazingly positive about it.  Normally, I'm quite a pessimistic sort of person, but I feel that my Mum is somehow giving me some inner strength.  Music is also helping me a great deal.  Particularly reggae.  My Mum was a fan of reggae and blues and I certainly inherited her love of music as I have an enormous collection myself.  Strange how people are here one moment and gone the next.  I'm 33 years old and my brother is 30.  My Dad is 63 and he was in the vehicle with my Mum when a bus, overtaking on the wrong side of the road in Arequipa, Peru, smashed into the car they were travelling in.  My Dad is utterly shattered.  38 years of blissful marriage to a wonderful woman who would never have hurt a single person ended in an instant.  Because of the services out there in Peru, she had to wait 2 hours for an ambulance and a further hour to get her to the hospital.  She suffered massive internal injuries from the impact of the crash, her intestines were crushed, they had to operate on her immediately, they then realised there were problems with her lungs, kidneys and liver.  It turned into a nightmare very quickly and when they operated on her again, they told my Dad that her intestines had died from lack of blood and that life was simply non-sustainable.  She died an hour after the second op from a heart attack.  I'm so gutted I can't believe it.  I can't believe she has left us.  My smiling, laughing mum.  So gentle, so warm, so loving.  My eyes are filling up just typing this.  Her funeral tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life.  Ever since I was young, I have always dreaded this day where I stand over my mother's grave, but my god, I never expected it to be so soon and so sudden.  I'll really miss her.  I just wish she would send me a really convincing sign to let me know that wherever she is, she is all right and that I'll be able to see her again.

[stephysteph13]

hey alysonm,

i really understand what you are going through. i've been in a depressed "funk" since thanksgiving and i'm not snapping out of it. it hurts so much, im in a bummy mood all the time, because i miss her SO much. my best friends brother died on Friday and I went to the wake on monday night and i had a big breakdo  wn. that was the first breakdown in a while. feeling sad is just a small part of grief.. and sadly your going to probably feel sad for a long long time. it was a year in Septemeber that my mom has been gone and the pain has only gotten worse. this year im seriously depressed. last year i was so numb. my counseler has tried to get me to write a letter to my mom too but i wont because i dont see a point when she cant read it anyway u know? i've been real closed up about it lately and i used to talk about it alot, now i hide my feelings and pretend im fine because people dont really understand and they say things that make u feel worse, when they dont know the pain we are encountering. its a horrible thing that no one should go through.

if u need me..... im here. how r u feeling?

steph

[user=18145]alysonm[/user] wrote:

I've been having a hard time the past few days. I guess most of the time I think about my mom but it doesn't really sink in that I'm not going to see her ever again, but the other night it just really hit that I am not EVER going to see her again, unless I die, which may not be for a very long time. It was just this major slap me in the face moment and I broke down in my room and bawled. I just wanted so badly to see her. i am in counseling not only for grief issues but depression and ptsd as well. I am supposed to write a letter this week to my mom, but I don't want to, I just don't feel ready to do that yet. I feel like writing a letter to her, will in some way be like letting her go and I don't want to do that.  I feel like every day away from the day she died is another day farther away from her and i hate that. I feel like the grief is my main issue right now but it's being treated as sort of a side note, I don't know

I haven't had a dream about my mom or with her in it since October, I just want to see her. She visists my sister in her dreams. I've skipped class 3 times this week and it's onnly the third week of school this semester. I can't fall into that again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like my mom would know what to do. I just miss her. and I'm not really connecting with this counselor I just started seeing her in December and I stopped seeing my old counselor because of an issue related to services and I just really miss my old counselor. I just don't see how cognitive behavioral therapy is helpful for grief, at least for grief that is recent and relatively new. I don't know I'm just feeling sad and discouraged.

[katrine]

Dearest Arthurlee, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you at this really dreadful time.  Im 32 and lost my gorgeous, vibrant, soulful mum, who was my best friend and chief support in dec 2005 to cancer. Although we knew the time was near, it was a massive shock when she died overnight by herself.  I feel for you and know the extent of pain, suffering and shock, that losing a mother creates.  There is no easy way around the pain and grief, just every day live as best you can.  I encourage you to talk to your Mum.  Before my mum died she asked me to keep talking to her and she would be listening...only a breath away from me.  As time has passed, I have gone to counselling, walked the Himalayas, attended a support group, to heal and understand the grief I feel.  Do what you need to do to get through, your Mum will be watching on, helping you every step of the way.  May you find strength and loving support for your journey.

[hphorsechick]

Hi everyone,

My mom passed away on Thursday.  She has been sick all my life.  She had two kidney transplants and other small problems.  I have always been worried about her. She was just about to start dialysis because her kidney (which my dad gave her) was failing.  She had a pretty bad heart attack and just didn't make it.  I'm 19 and in college and I know it's going to be really hard for me in the future.  I guess I just need some advice on how to handle everything then it really hits me and how I can really get through it all when I'm at college and away from my family.

Thank you guys,

Rachel

[alysonm]

Rachel, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know right now you are probably just in complete shock and numbness.  I lost my mom in august a week before the start of fall semester. I started the semester and ended up dropping out, becuase honestly it was just too much to deal with the grief and homework and reading and going to class. But that is just me, my twin sister on the other hand, made it through the semester and made it on the dean's list. I think something you might want to look into if you haven't algready is getting some counseling. My university offers free counseling to all students, so perhaps there is something like that for you at your school. It really helped me. I am also away from my family, which has been hard. My twin sister lives 3 hours away, and I'm closest to her, than anyone else. I think the hardest part about not being around anyone that knew my mom was that I felt and still feel very alone and isolated in my grief because no one around me knew my mom so it's difficult to talk about her. I think that going to a group or something that specifically deals with grief or bereavement would be helpful and is something that I have looked into for myself.

Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever it is your feeling, don't push it away or think that it's wrong or whatever, just accept it. Some people will say things that aren't helpful, just brush it off, and try to recognize that they don't know what to say. Take care of yourself. There are going to be days when the grief and sadness and disbelief hit you and all you can do is cry. There are going to be days where you feel ok, and that's ok too. There will be days you're angry.

 

I wish I could help you more, but the truth is, most days I don't know what to do with myself. It will be the six month anniversary of my mom's death this saturday, and honestly it still feels like it was yesterday. People will tell you it gets easier, but what they really mean is that it's going to get a hell of a lot harder before it will get easier. I've found that month 3 until now have been the hardest so far. Month 1-3 I think I was completly numb and I couldn't believe she was dead. Now I'm just mostly numb with days where I'm not numb and it hits me that she's dead. Anyways, I'm so sorry again that you have to experience this, you can always come on here for support, for people who might understand a little bit of what you're going through.

[hphorsechick]

Allysonm,

Thank you so much for the advice.  I havn't talked to anyone yet who has lost a mother and I know this site will help. 

I'm going to go to councelling at a place near my school. 

I know it's going to get harder but it's weird.  I cried when she was in the hospital and when I saw her but that's it.  I don't know if it just hasn't really hit me yet.  I guess I think I'm just going to see her walk out of the bedroom any minute.  I don't really know what to expect.

I'm going back to school this week and my sister and my dad are going with me and then they're going back. (We live about an hour and a half away)  I know I'm going to be really upset when they leave and that's what I'm worried about right now.

Rachel

[alysonm]

rachel,

I remember I didn't really cry until the funeral. My mom's death was sudden so she wasn't in the hospital or anything. I didn't cry when I found out she died, at least not at first. I think it was a couple of weeks after the funeral and after I went back to school that I really really cried, and it was because I wanted to go home for the weekend because all my roommates were going home, my mom lived about an hour and a half away and I went home for the weekend quite often, and I couldn't because she wasn't there.

My older sister left the day after the funeral and that was really tough for me because she had been like the rock throughout the whole thing like planning the funeral and everything. Then my twin sister and I drove me to school and she stayed a few days, and then when she left it was hard too, just because it was like ok I'm alone now and I have to deal with it on my own. It was definitely hard leaving them and going back to school. I hope it goes okay for you. I told all my proffessors about my mom and most of them were willing to work with me on assignments if I needed more time and things like that, so hopefully yours will be too. I remember walking to class and I felt like I was walking through jello or something my arms and legs felt so heavy, it was a very weird feeling those first few days back at school. I really hope that your ok and that the transition back to school goes well. I never talked to anyone whose lost their mom before I came to this site. Even still in "real-life" i haven't met anyone whose lost a mother. I hope you're doing ok, as ok as you can be doing.

[marmaduke]

My mother died on 2/8/08 at 6:55 p.m. PST.  71 years old is too young to die from Alsheimers.  But, she is gone.  I am one of those "mama's boy" kind of guys.  Mostly from all of the health problems that began at the time of my birth.  So, mom watched over me faithfully.  She is in San Diego.  And I am stuck here in Michigan.  I am very depressed even though I take many anti-depressants.  I'm numb from my loss.  My sister is just exactly like dad in the way she believes "oh, just get over it."  I'm not that way.  It makes me feel like harming myself badly.  My depression is sky-high!  I received the news in  one of the worst possible ways.  A phone call.  I am on my own in coping with this.  No other siblings.  My first instinct tells me to get back to San Diego where I was happy.  But, of course, that takes money.  My screwy sister tells me to just get over it. 

[marmaduke]

My mom died 4 days ago.  I am numb/very depressed even though I take 2 anti-deppressents and 2 anti-anxiety meds.  My only other sibling believes the same way as my father.  Just get over it.  Well, I can't do that.  I have feelings and emotions that cannot be thrown away the way that their's.  I have thought about suicide thousands of times in my life.  And this is another.  I don't know what to do.  The doctor did call 2 weeks ago to tell us that Mom had 2 weeks to live.  But, I stayed in denial during that time.  Sleep is a nice escape from reality.  But, if I sleep too much, my bitchy, unfeeling sister who I live with, will bitch at me.  When she does that, I wish that I was dead.

[chicagogina]

It's been almost 5 months since my beloved Mother and Best Friend left this earth for a better world and I still miss her EVERY DAY of my life. She was my sunshine and my EVERYTHING. We shopped together and visited relatives and went on trips. She was my best friend and my whole world. I still don't know who I am without her. Yes, I go to work every day, and I speak to my friends and to relatives, but I HONESTLY feel like I am just going through the motions but not REALLY changing. I had to go to the doc yesterday (high blood pressure and high cholesterol) and she asked me about depression. I said I was fine most days. She asked if I cried every day and I said I did ... not as intensely as I did in the beginning but I still cry every day. Wait till you hear THIS one ... She told me that if I didn't stop crying in 2 months, she was going to prescribe something for me. HELLO!!! This was the woman who gave me life and who I lived with my ENTIRE LIFE ... I never married or had any kids, etc. Mom and I were best friends after my Dad died when I was only 13. Just me and her ... forever!! And now I am all alone in the world and I'm supposed to just "get over it" in 6 months ... CLUELESS DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mofirefly]

Chicagogina - I do hope that you will try to give your doctor some benefit of doubt, in that perhaps she is simply thinking of prescribing something in a couple of months to help you endure your pain until it becomes somewhat more bearable.  I can't even imagine how alone you are feeling - I at least have a husband and son and other people, but when I lost my mom I felt so completely alone in this world.  It took quite a long time to pull myself back together some as I refer to my mom as the glue that help my puzzle pieces of a life together and without her I was just scattered all over the place.  It's been almost 2 and a half years since my loss and I still cry quite often, so again, please try to work with your doctor, but be sure to present your feelings openly as your doctor my not have dealt with any loss as huge as yours.  Please take care of you!

[ps90247]

All: tomorrow will be 7 weeks since my beloved mother passed away, and to be perfectly honest, the pain seems to intensified more of late.  I'm guessing it may be because the initial shock of her passing has worn off and now reality has set in; I am never going to see my mother in this lifetime ever again.  This is not a nightmare, but this terrible tragedy really did happen.  I have talked to others at my work who have also lost their mothers, and they all told me that the pain does subside over time but the hurt will always be there and that there are times when you can't help crying.  I do not believe the crying will ever stop for those of us who treasured our moms so very much.  My mom was my everything for my 48 years and she told me I was her everything as well (I was her only child).  It most definitely helps that I have a wife and stepson who have been way more than supportive during this worst time of my life.  My best friend has been a great ear and the people at work have been super.  And I also must mention all the posters on these boards who have suffered the same loss as I have.  I do not believe a doctor should prescribe medications if you keep crying on and on.  I believe you have to let it out, or it will eat you inside.  I believe only time doctor should prescribe medications is if patient has suicidal thoughts.  Hang in there, each and every one of you.  We have to enjoy what we have left in this life; that's how our mothers would want it.

[thinkingoutloud]

Marmaduke, it sounds like you are really, really struggling and not getting any validation for your feelings from those who should be closest to you.  I am sorry that you are going through this all on your own, when others in your family should be there to support you and understand what you are going through.  Unfortunately, we aren't always blessed with the love and understanding we would give someone else in the same situation, and it is hard to feel so terribly alone.  Sometimes you might feel more alone because they are not supportive than the original loss!  We all need to know that others around us know and care.

I personally would be a bit angry (read that majorly ticked off) if everyone was telling me to "get over it" because they should be grieving, too, if they are family!  I think the old Victorians had something when they grieved for an official year (minimum).  I believe you can't just get over it like flipping a switch.  When my brother died 22 years ago, I had people tell me that and I wanted to punch them, or at least scream at them.  I didn't (admirable self-restraint, don't you think?) and a few years later they suffered a similar loss and they learned what it feels like, and it was hard for them.  Then when my mother died this last year, I learned it is still a whole new feeling,

Is there a chance your sister is just trying to talk tough so she doesn't have to face what has really happened?  Or maybe she didn't have that good of a relationship with  your mom.  Whatever her reason, you don't have to live by her timetable, and you have a right to feel your own emotions.  However, if you are feeling suicidal, you might want to get some help, whether medical or alternative medicine.  I did, and it made a world of difference in how I can cope.  Sometimes I think we just get all used up and have to recharge our batteries.

Take care of yourself.  That is what your mom would want for you!  I think you know that!  God bless you in your struggle.  And may he bless all of us in this huge loss!

[need2talk]

Hello. Feeling for you.... I lost my mum 83 days ago and it's horror. That's the only word that fits the shock and disbelief of my mum's sudden death. I'm trying, but it all feels like an endless span of grief ahead of me. I don't think I will ever stop crying and missing my mum. I know my mum would want me to be strong and get through this and I HAVE to believe that I will. We all do. That is the only thing that keeps me going, (that, and a supportive, loving family.) Glad you have that too. We WILL all be ok. So early in our grief to expect much to have changed. I had my mum for 42 years, (she was only 63). 83 days is no time at all.   

Take one day at a time, cry when you need to, smile when you can,  x

[sigridmaria]

Hello, I too am one of those EXTREME Mamas boy and I lost my Mom at her young age of almost 69 to the rare anal cancer. I too am very depressed and my sister and brother say I should get inner strength and move on. Sure is so hard when you are used to living together, sharing each others life together, doing all kinds of projects, eating together, having coffee together, gardening together, living for my work as a flight attendant, saying good bye to her when I left and call her that I am on my way home. Its all gone now. Hate when people say She is in a better place or that She is looking down from Heaven. We are so used to the physical and I no longer have that. I am here in the house alone, scared and undecided. My brother wants to sell the house I am used to living in with my Mom. So painful to think about leaving or even staying. I have so many regrets about how I should have helped Mom to be more attentive to her many illnesses. I was the one living here and I did not do my part enough. Mom took care of me more than I did Her it seems. I can not believe I go to a cemetary to lay flowers at her site. Its like a nightmare that wont end. I think so much about ending my life but afraid of guns and not a violent person so I guess I will live in misery all my life. I did not know the word grieving until my Mom passed. I only know this life with my Mom and all that we did and shared, its all around in a negative way. I am afraid to wake up in the morning and face the day. We are so used to material things, seeing Mom snuggled on the couch with the cat, having coffee time, sharing a glass of wine out in the garden, nice conversations, and now, Gone for ever. So many says time heals but I know myself and this pain and stress is way to much for someone like me to bare. Thanks for reading and love to all your beautiful hearted Moms all over the world. Peace, Ernest

[Guest SherryRain]

I am sorry to here about your Mother.  My Mom was my biggest fan and best friend as well.  She was my closest friend and I dont believe I will ever trust anyone the way I trusted her.  As long as I am alive she lives too in my heart and my mannerisms.  I continue to go where we use to go longing to see her, hold her, hear her laugh.  I will not let her go.  Even though I buried her body she is not gone from my life.  I had to tell myself its ok to hold her in my heart forever.  I wish I were 9 or 10 and could start over again with her knowing what I know now but I cant.  I want to do something great with my life to make her proud and to honor her.  Take this time for your self.  You are unique and will heal in your own way.  She has been gone for 2 months and I am not sure what to do with my life,  she was pretty much my focus.  I dont have the answers but I can tell you that for me it was the biggest fear of my life.  Once I faced this I realized nothing will ever hurt this much.  If I can live through this I am truly a survivor.  Talking to someone helps.  A complete stranger who wont judge you or tell you what to do.  I even had to get some medicine so I could function in the world.  I still hurt as much but I can pull out.  Do what ever works for you but continue to live!  

 

 

 

  [user=19087]sigridmaria[/user] wrote:

Hello, I too am one of those EXTREME Mamas boy and I lost my Mom at her young age of almost 69 to the rare anal cancer. I too am very depressed and my sister and brother say I should get inner strength and move on. Sure is so hard when you are used to living together, sharing each others life together, doing all kinds of projects, eating together, having coffee together, gardening together, living for my work as a flight attendant, saying good bye to her when I left and call her that I am on my way home. Its all gone now. Hate when people say She is in a better place or that She is looking down from Heaven. We are so used to the physical and I no longer have that. I am here in the house alone, scared and undecided. My brother wants to sell the house I am used to living in with my Mom. So painful to think about leaving or even staying. I have so many regrets about how I should have helped Mom to be more attentive to her many illnesses. I was the one living here and I did not do my part enough. Mom took care of me more than I did Her it seems. I can not believe I go to a cemetary to lay flowers at her site. Its like a nightmare that wont end. I think so much about ending my life but afraid of guns and not a violent person so I guess I will live in misery all my life. I did not know the word grieving until my Mom passed. I only know this life with my Mom and all that we did and shared, its all around in a negative way. I am afraid to wake up in the morning and face the day. We are so used to material things, seeing Mom snuggled on the couch with the cat, having coffee time, sharing a glass of wine out in the garden, nice conversations, and now, Gone for ever. So many says time heals but I know myself and this pain and stress is way to much for someone like me to bare. Thanks for reading and love to all your beautiful hearted Moms all over the world. Peace, Ernest

[sheela]

I lost my mum 83 days ago and it's horror.

 

so true i feel the same way

[ps90247]

No doubt about it; losing your mother is the most horrible thing that can ever happen to those of us who had her as the center of our universe.  True, my wife and stepson have been totally supportive of me during this hellish time in my life, and because of them, I do have a reason to live and to get through this....but my mom brought me into this world and I have known her longer than I have known anyone else (48 years).  After my mom's passing, I don't believe it can get any worse.  If I can get through her passing, I can survive anything.  I have had many difficult and traumatic times in my life...emergency back surgery in 1997 (and I was so very close from being paraplegic but I recovered 100%); passing of my dad in 1998; breaking up with someone special in early 1999; horrible 1st marriage in late 1999; getting laid off my job in 2006....but all of these things combined pale in comparison with losing my mom.  Almost everything else in my life now is peachy....great wife and stepson, nice job....but there is a piece of me that died when my mom passed away.  That piece can never, ever be replaced; that went with my mom to Heaven.  I am going to continue chugging along whatever time I have left on this Earth and look forward to be reunited with my mom someday.

[stephysteph13]

ughhh i dont know what to do anymore. i feel HORRIBLE!!

[sigridmaria]

I am so sorry to write this but though I have gone to grieving groups, psychiatrist and therapist, I still, do not want to go on with this pain. I am a gay male who lived with his Mom and feel I did not do enough to help with her cancers. I should have done more research and feel so guilty for her death. I am suffering beyond believe and think a lot of death and dying. I hate this life without Her and she left so soon. I think of her every minute since she has passed last August and so afraid of tomorrow.  Ernest

[need2talk]

Ernest, So sad to hear you are in so much pain. Please know you are not alone. Your mum must have loved you so much, still does. I'm sure she knew you were there for her. Hold on to your happy times, picture the laughs, hear the chats. I know this may sound empty, I'm not there myself either. (only 12 weeks ago) Our memories are what are going to keep us afloat.

 I am a mum of a 10 year old, my mum's death (just 63) was the 3rd grandparent my daughter lost suddenly in the space of 14 months, we are a very close family. She has been so strong, I can draw strength from that. I had never lost anyone before that. I still have my grandparents.

I think most of us carry a heavy weight of gulit around. I was the last person in the family to talk to mum, the night before she died. She said she felt unwell, indigestion bought on by the antibiotics she'd been prescribed, she thought. She said to me that her biggest fear was to die alone and be found by us. She could sometimes stay stuff like that when she felt low. I told her not to be silly and say these things... I should have gone round. I urged her to see the doctor again, worried she'd been misdiagnosed earlier in the week. She said she'd go after the weekend... I should have insisted we go now. We found her the next day after getting no reply on the phone, (we spoke daily). She had been misdiagnosed. My mum's death was preventable. Mum could be stubborn, she was her own person, a lovely person, but I know I didn't do enough.  It's a pile of dung. I'm very sad and very angry. It is all wrong. I miss her so much. I'm so sorry mum. 

I think when something this surreal, awful and shocking happens we all think about our own mortality and that of those closest to us. As a mum, my worse fear is that when I pass my daughter cannot go on without me, ( I think all mum's must feel that). I want her to be happy and live the life I gave her. Your mum bought you into this world. Gave YOU a life to live. 

Words can sound rubbish and empty but try and draw some strength from them.  Take care of yourself, I'll be thinking of you x    

[wyomingsal]

I understand about stubborn moms.    My dear mother had been having trouble with congestive heart failure and had extra swelling and some trouble breathing.  When I called her on the phone and talked to her the last time I told her she needed to get into her doctor.  Her doctor was out of town and she wouldn't go see another doctor.  GRRRRR.  I asked her if they had checked her oxygen level and no they hadn't to see if she needed to be on oxygen.  I am a nurse.  I feel like I should have made her go get help.  But she was stubborn.  Didn't want to.  I think that was on a Friday.  On Sunday I received the call from my sister that our dear mother had passed.  Such shock.  It was December 22, only 3 days before Christmas.  Finally she got so bad she told my Dad she needed to go to the hospital.  On the way to the ER  (the farthest one away because that was the one she liked"  she told my dad she couldn't see any colors anymore.  Her heart stopped as they brought her into the ER.  That was 5 years ago but I can still remember the disbelief I felt when my sister told me what had happened.  I was mad at her for not getting help.  But I missed her so much.  The matriarch of our family.  Now I had to fill that role for my kids.  No one above me to call and talk to.  I am so sorry for those of you so new to the loss of your precious Mom.  I did indeed feel it was the worst loss I could experience at that time. 

Sal

[need2talk]

Sal, My mum was stubborn but realistic. The hideous, awful thing about it is that she had been to the docs 4 times in 2 weeks. Suspected she had a d.v.t.,(she'd had one 12 years ago, caught in time). The doctor thought it was an infection, didn't do the 2 simple tests that would have shown up a D.V.T. to rule it out, then drugs to disperse the clot.... despite her history. Sent her home. She trusted the judgment, didn't want to be a bother. The doctor was wrong. My mum was right. She died because of that.

Horribly, I have to see the doctor in my daughter's playground every day. Her daughter is in the same class. I can't even look at her. It is pain beyond belief.

We are going to ask questions. We're waiting until we're in the right 'place' emotionally to do it, (whenever that is??) We want things done properly. Owe it to my mum. Everything is just too raw.

If I could just feel that there was 'nothing that could have been done' or that it was 'her time to go'....... I could cope better. But none of that is true.

miss you mum X 

[solemate]

Hello to all on the boards - Its been a short while since my last postings but I have been busy with my job and trying to concentrate on keeping my head above water.  I am off overseas in 5 days and will be taking my parents ashes to their heritage land of Ireland and Scotland.  I am going with mixed feelings, its our wedding anniversay whilst in Paris and I think that would be nice. Its my parents 1st anniversay of their deaths on the 25th of March and I will be in Ireland to scatter their ashes in the family churchyard in Bessbrook.  I have been reading Alison Debois "we are their heaven - the dead never leave us.  I like the idea of the living being the dead's heaven and that they try to contact us. I look at my dear mum's photo and smile  - I feel her presence and that she is with me.  She knows I still have some very bad days and even now I have some tears as I type.  It will be my parents last journey and I am honoured to be able to carry this out.  I cant believe that its 11 months since that terrible day when the policeman knocked on my door.  How was I to know that I would loose my father in the morning and my darling mother hours later.  I had only seen them one hour earlier. A friend of mine has just had a lovely baby girl - this is the start of life - When we are born we never know how long a road we have in front of us.  My father and mothers life was cut short by a terrible accident.  I still to this day cant shake the guilt of agreeing to turn off my Mum's life support system.  I just didnt want to say yes, but I nodded OK through a stream of tears. To all on the boards a warm hug and welcome.  I am sorry to have to meet you through this forum.  I have met many wonderful people who have shared ther inner most feelings and thoughts - thank you.   I will be catching up with some contacts whilst in England.  I want you all to know that I read all the postings and I feel very humble to be on the boards.  So many of you have such heart felt stories that my situation is small in comparison.  I will be off line for 6 weeks and will come back on line once I return.  Take care everyone and remember my motto" Never miss a rainbow because your looking down" Love you Mum and Dad - your darling daughter Gayle

[mofirefly]

Solemate - I know I speak for many others on these boards in that I hope you have a safe journey.  I admire that you are getting to take your parents home (if that is a proper way of saying this).  Just know that my heart is with you and please let us know when you return.  Take care!

[stephysteph13]

i dont know what to do anymore. I feel so depressed! i cant take it. its like i thought i was doing fine for a while then boom im like no im not. and then i feel guilty for having a good time when my mom is dead. i dont know i feel so lonely without her. i want one more hug. one more picture anything with mom.

i guess what is really upsetting me is that I went to a baby shower today and a bday party. the baby shower was fun and yeah i had a good time, but to think that my mom will never see my children is the most unbearable and heartbreaking feeling ever. to see the grandmas soo happy.. was like a stab in the heart...my mom will never have the chance to be a grandma.. now to the birthday party it was for my cousins mom's surprise party. it killed me first of all ill never be able to throw my mom a party. and to watch her take pics with her kids i want one more pic with my mommy its just not fair... this year is so much harder than last i feel like im just getting more depressed as time goes on and i just cant help it. i dont wake up every morning wanting to feel like **** it just happens. god has turned my life into ****. well i cant say that everything in my life is going good its just not having a mom turns many happy things into sad bc i wish she was here to see all the good things im doing in my life.

well im off to bed... feeling really bad.

tomorrow ill just spend the day doing school work and moping because i feel like absoulute crap...

hope everyone is ok.

steph

[Guest clotea1]

Hang in there!  You're going to have your good days and your bad days.  I lost my mother almost a year and 1/2 ago and there has been many days where it hits me...how much I miss her in my life.

You know, there's a saying that God only gives you want you can handle.  It's at those times when the pain hits again that I wonder why He thinks I'm so strong.  Just know that you will have your ups and downs.  God is with you even now.

I wish I could say some magical thing to make the pain going away, but I can't.  Just know that someone who has lost their mom too, is thinking of you and praying for you. 

 

 

 

[stephysteph13]

clotea1,

thanks so much for replying! it just hurts so much. today im feeling real bad again.. still dont feel like doing anything. my friend wants to go to the movies.. and even though i'll probably go i dont feel like going. i miss her so much. she isnt going to see me graduate have kids get married etc. she never even got to see me drive. its ashame. how old was your mom? what did she pass from?

steph

hope your ok

[adidac7700]

I have to say that it's nice to hear that someone else feels exactly how i've been feeling. I just lost my mom 2 months ago to cancer. She was 46. She was my best friend in the world. My number one fan. I miss everything about her. I am 26 and never had children either. I'm saddest that i never gave her grandchildren. I used to want them, but now can't even bear the thought of going through a wedding/pregnancy/childbirth/raising kids without her. It went from being something i looked forward to do with her, to the worst thing that could happen to me. All of my goals and aspirations have changed. They seem so stupid now. I cried the other day (like i do almost every day) because my friend was showing me pictures from her baby shower. I saw the picture of her and her mom and just lost it. I find it so unfair that so many people get to keep their mom's for their adult lives and I didn't. I go from jealous and angry to ambivalent and sad. I especially HATE it when people don't appreciate their mom's in their lives and don't get along with them. My mom and i never fought and i loved her more than anyone in the world. I couldn't have appreciated her more. Why did she have to go?

One second I'm alright and the next i'm a mess. But, somehow I still manage to get up in the morning... I hope you all are doing ok. I know that like my mom, yours would want you to get out there and LIVE LIFE! We have to make them proud.

[suelowe]

Hi, I'm sorry to jump in here, but I'm having a tough time at the moment.  Advertisements of Mother's Day are in my face and I just wanna crawl away.  My mum went into hospital on March 13th (2004), I had to read her a card in Intensive Care (the nursing staff didn't allow flowers etc onto the ward) on Mothers Day, she passed away on March 31st 2004.  Yuck yuck yuck.

I really don't want this at the moment.  I'm expected to visit my step mother on that day (although i'll be in Church in the morning to pray for my mum), and now my (new) partner is going on about his mum.......GGRRRRR......even though he knows about my mum.  We walked into a card store which was filled with mother's day stuff and i said 'this is a bit too much' and walked out.  Following me, he said 'yeah, it's a bit expensive in there' and I said, 'no it's not the prices, it's the fact my mother's gone' and he went quiet for a few seconds.  He's supportive and all that but he kinda misses the point a bit.  It's painful having to buy for the step mother when i can't buy for my own.

Sorry for that outburst! bit hard at the minute...

Sue

[chicagogina]

WOW! I wonder what's going on here. I feel like there are a LOT of us on this board going through the SAME emotions right now. It was 5 months ago on the 20th of this month that I lost my dear Mom and Best Friend. She was the light of my life, my EVERYTHING. People kept, and keep, telling me that "it will get better with time." Well, it hasn't. Like so many of you out there, I miss her just as much, if not MORE, today than I did those 5 months ago when she left me.

Like many of you, my house is empty; my heart is TOTALLY empty, and my life is empty, too. I am going through the motions but find that life really holds no joy or purpose anymore. Sure, I get up and go to work. I do what's necessary ... cook, clean, try and take care of the house, etc. I go out with friends, or visit my sisters or cousins, once in a while. But, there really is no purpose or joy in my life, or in any of the things I do anymore. I need to find my smile again but I have NO CLUE HOW ... or where ... or when ???

All I can say is that I was always a pretty positive, happy person who always looked at the glass as "half full" rather than "half empty" ... except that now it's like someone ripped my insides out and EVERYTHING is empty! I don't know who I am anymore, or where I am going, or what I'm supposed to do, or how in the world I'll live my next 10, 20, 30, 40 or more years without her. This just all TOTALLY SUCKS! What do you do to get OUT of this funk???

[ps90247]

I'm starting to wonder when (or if) it will ever get better.  My mom passed away exactly 2 months ago yesterday (12/26/07).  It seems like it is most definitely getting tougher.  I am doing the basic things to do to survive, but I don't feel like I am really living anymore.  I sometimes feel I am just going through the motions only because I have to, not because I want to.  My mom was the center of my universe, and the thought of having to spend the rest of my life without her is downright frightening.  Sometimes I hope the rest of my life goes rather quickly (I am 48 and she was 78 when she passed away) so that I can be reunited with her sooner.  I realize that I do have to go on with my life, and my mom would 100% want me to, but sometimes I also get the feeling that I have no purpose in life anymore.  But I am trying my best, although the sadness is really starting to take its toll. 

[chicagogina]

ps90247 -- I hear ya! It's been 5 months for me but I feel JUST LIKE YOU DO, so the added 3 months really hasn't made much difference! I'm HOPING that will change, eventually, but ?????

[severn]

[user=11250]suelowe[/user] wrote:

Hi, I'm sorry to jump in here, but I'm having a tough time at the moment.  Advertisements of Mother's Day are in my face and I just wanna crawl away.  My mum went into hospital on March 13th (2004), I had to read her a card in Intensive Care (the nursing staff didn't allow flowers etc onto the ward) on Mothers Day, she passed away on March 31st 2004.  Yuck yuck yuck.

I really don't want this at the moment.  I'm expected to visit my step mother on that day (although i'll be in Church in the morning to pray for my mum), and now my (new) partner is going on about his mum.......GGRRRRR......even though he knows about my mum.  We walked into a card store which was filled with mother's day stuff and i said 'this is a bit too much' and walked out.  Following me, he said 'yeah, it's a bit expensive in there' and I said, 'no it's not the prices, it's the fact my mother's gone' and he went quiet for a few seconds.  He's supportive and all that but he kinda misses the point a bit.  It's painful having to buy for the step mother when i can't buy for my own.

Sorry for that outburst! bit hard at the minute...

Sue

Sue...I'm a tiny bit hesitant to suggest this to you...as I'm not sure if this suggestion will feel overwhelming, or pointless, or hurtful..but I'm going to take the risk anyway.

On Mother's Day, Christmas, Mum's birthday etc I buy cards for her. She's been gone for a year and a half - I didn't do that for the first year, because it was too hard. But now I feel able to. I write her a special message, read it aloud on the day, and place it next to a candle with her photograph beside it.

That way, I still feel I can participate on those special days, and I hope that somewhere, somehow, Mum can hear me read the message.

It also serves another purpose - I can write down exactly what I'm feeling, and what I feel about her - it lets out some of those feelings of grief and missing - which as we all know can feel especially poignant and painful on our anniversaries.

I'm also sorry about your partner - perhaps you could sit down and have a really good talk with him? If he's missing the point a bit, perhaps a chat could help him really see?

Hugs to you...

[minnababy]

i lost my mummy not quite eight months ago. sunday will be my first mother's day without her. i don't know how i am meant to get through it. the last few weeks have been so hard, everywhere i look there are posters and signs just constantly reminding me i don't have a mummy anymore. i can't even watch the tv or go on the internet with adverts coming up telling me where to buy the best flowers or chocolate for 'the best mum in the world', but my mum IS the best mum in the world, and i can't even imagine how i'm going to get through sunday. everything just seems to be getting worse, i'm crying all the time now, even while i'm at uni sometimes and i feel like such a loser, but i just miss her SO much, it feels like part of me has been torn out, there's a pain that goes all the way thru me and just thinking about that fact that she's gone and i'll never see her ever again, i can't even comprehend it. i feel like i'm going to die when i think about it, because i still need her so much, i'm only 20 and i still need my mum, i can't imagine that she's not coming back ever, it's like i'm just lviing waiting for her to come back because i can't believe she never will. and now i'm crying again. she was just so full of life and independant and i can't believe she was gone, it feels like the only person who can help me get through this is her, but if she was still here i wouldn't even be feeling like this, the only person i want to talk to is my mummy and the longing is so desperate it hurts, i just don't know what to do aymore, it all seems to be getting so much worse, i can't see how it will ever get better.

[Guest MISSU]

It will be 99 days on Sunday since I lost my lovely, beautiful mum. I bought her Mother's Day card today. I had to. I'm going to write just a little message in for her, put the photo taken of mum, myself and my new baby on MY 1st Mother' Day, 11 years ago and then light a candle. It's all I can think of to do. Maybe it will feel better than letting the day pass doing nothing for her. I think I'll take that same card out each year and add a new message. Love you SO MUCH mum. You'll be with me, I know it.

Love you, miss you....

J XXX