Loss of a Mother

[Guest Rozmari]

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[mydoot]

2 months ago today my Angel left me.  Mom died.  Butterfly, your Mom and my Mom left together that day...

Hello, everyone.  Thanks all that have written back.  This is my "support group" if you will.  I don't have anyone that understands what I am going through.  I know you all have the same pain inside and are struggling to find something to cling to for comfort.  I'm trying to find some here.  Today I was feeling a little lighter in my heart and everything was going okay (not happy or good, but okay.)  Then I went to the doctor and they verified my information including my emergency contact and I started crying.  I just couldn't hold it in no matter how hard I tried.  My Mom was my emergency contact and I said I had to change it because she died.  I couldn't stop crying.  It was like the faucet was on and I couldn't turn it off no matter how hard I turned it.  I was able to stop myself a few minutes later, but at that time no matter what I did I couldn't stop.

I don't know how some people just keep going.  Now I know why my Mom cried all of the time any time someone brought up her mom or she tried to tell me something about her.  I was always like it has been years it shouldn't affect you so much still.  She was also older and had lived a long life so I thought that made it better.  Now I realize the true extent of my Mom's pain.  I feel terrible for not comforting her more about my Grandma.  I loved my Grandma dearly and I myself still cried about her sometimes when I thought of her, but I accepted it one because she was my grandma and not my Mom and two because she was in her 80's.  Now my Mom is gone and she was only in her 50's and I can't accept it.  And now I know why my Mom couldn't accept her mother's death.  Our Mom's are (for most of us) that one person that you can always turn to, the one that will always accept and love you, the one you can confide in about anything, your person...

Mom, two months is a long time.  I miss your voice.  i miss your hugs.  I miss your advice.  I love you forever.  If anyone is interested, I have created a website for my Mom.  It gives me a little comfort because I kind of use it like a journal.  I encourage you all to keep a journal or something.  Not just for yourselves, but to help preserve memories for the next generation.

Hugs to all.

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[perfectfan]

I feel and could relate to your pain.  For me, time numbed the pain of my grandparents' death and I couldn't understand why tears would always well up in mum's eyes whenever she spoke of them.  I thought it's been so long, can't she get it over, and what's the point of crying when she currently has a happy family (dad and me).  Now I understand the full measure of this hurt and pain. 

Cause there's just some things time alone couldn't heal...

 

[lifes1k]

mydoot,

What a wonderful idea about the website... hang in there... I pray your days get a little easier and you find the comfort your so desperately searching for...

I do think your mom knows your heart and she knows how sorry you are. From what you have posted she sounds like she was a wonderful person and would forgive you...

I pray you will forgive yourself!!!   

[butterfly13]

mydoot-  Yes,our moms left us 2 moths ago,sometimes I just can't believe I have gone that long without talking to her(my best friend).It's hard to imagine -we have our whole life to live without them.I know how you feel when you had to change her from your emergency contact,it makes it so real.In 2wks I have to go and probate my moms will,it,s going to be so hard.Right before my mom died,she started talking about my grandmother(her mother)alot,saying how much she missed her-she died 15yrs.earlier,I thought I undderstood how she felt,but not until I lost her did I realize the pain she must have been feeling over her moms death.Stay strong- Butterfly

[mydoot]

Hello, Butterfly and all.  Another week has gone by without my Mom.  I am still so lonely without her here, as I know we all are.  I found a CD my Mom had made for me today that she gave me for my 21st birthday.  I had completely forgotten about it.  I thought I would share with you the first song on the CD because it made me cry.  It was "You'll Never Walk Alone."  It is extremely fitting.  I did Carousel a few years ago and that was one of the songs in the show.  It was about a dad that died and how he is still with his daughter and wife.  If you haven't heard it, it is a great song.  You might be able to find it on YouTube or something to listen to it.  I don't know who sang the version on my CD, but he has a beautiful voice.

I also want to share a poem I wrote for my Mom:

PAIN by Marie C u m m i n g s

[align=left]Today I saw the Heavens weep;

For the last true angel went to sleep. [/align]

[align=left]From her slumber she cannot wake,

Her last goodbyes she cannot make. [/align]

[align=left]My heart feels hollow in the space

Where my mom had always held the place. [/align]

[align=left]My best friend and guiding light,

Grew weak with strength and lost the fight. [/align]

[align=left]No one believed her pain inside,

For many days she sat and cried. [/align]

[align=left]She longed for someone to understand

The pain was real and was not planned. [/align]

[align=left]Her only wish was for her family's love,

Now she watches us from above. [/align]

[align=left]My true angel and my best friend,

The sorrow we feel we cannot mend.[/align]

[align=left]Until your arms again embrace me near,

For you each day I will shed a tear. [/align]

[align=left]Here on Earth and up above,

You and I will share our love. [/align]

[align=left]Goodbye my angel, goodbye my dear;

I love you forever and I will see you there.[/align]

[butterfly13]

mydoot-  Hello!You're poem is beautiful!Of course it made me cry,it's everything I feel and think about my mom too.Lately,I find myself getting through my days at work ok,and I will be so proud of myself,but then out of the blue it hits me,usually driving home from work,that she is really gone for good,it's really an overwhelming feeling of sadness and such an empty feeling inside of me-I don't know if that feeling will ever go away.I do know that I will miss her forever!!It's almost unimaginable to think that i have to live the rest of my life without ever seeing my beautiful mom again-God how it hurts!  Hugs- Butterfly

[mydoot]

Butterfly, yes, we will miss our moms forever.  I constantly think of mine.  I hope all of our moms (and dads who have passed) are looking down from Heaven or even walking among us.  Hugs to you and all.

[timesremembered]

I went to my aunt's house to visit for a week, to "get my mind off of things". I wish it helped and I tried to have a great time but I felt like the grieving process was pushed on me. My aunt and mom were very very close and she had a lot of pictures out of my mom and I and my mom. I was just crushed seeing them no matter where I went a picture was there. It was a constant reminder that she isn't there.  They acted like nothing happened I guess to protect me? I think it made it worse. I was so mad, It comforts me so much to talk about her. I start college in a week and I know I'm gonna have a hard time leaving my dad and her not being with me to do what normal parents would do. My dad called me everyday when I was gone and I hate to leave him by his self for so long.

[timesremembered]

I went to my aunt's house to visit for a week, to "get my mind off of things". I wish it helped and I tried to have a great time but I felt like the grieving process was pushed on me. My aunt and mom were very very close and she had a lot of pictures out of my mom and I and my mom. I was just crushed seeing them no matter where I went a picture was there. It was a constant reminder that she isn't there.  They acted like nothing happened I guess to protect me? I think it made it worse. I was so mad, It comforts me so much to talk about her. I start college in a week and I know I'm gonna have a hard time leaving my dad and her not being with me to do what normal parents would do. My dad called me everyday when I was gone and I hate to leave him by his self for so long.

[perfectfan]

[user=20752]timesremembered[/user] wrote:

I went to my aunt's house to visit for a week, to "get my mind off of things". I wish it helped and I tried to have a great time but I felt like the grieving process was pushed on me. My aunt and mom were very very close and she had a lot of pictures out of my mom and I and my mom. I was just crushed seeing them no matter where I went a picture was there. It was a constant reminder that she isn't there.  They acted like nothing happened I guess to protect me? I think it made it worse. I was so mad, It comforts me so much to talk about her. I start college in a week and I know I'm gonna have a hard time leaving my dad and her not being with me to do what normal parents would do. My dad called me everyday when I was gone and I hate to leave him by his self for so long.

Dear timesremembered,

it must be a hard time for you to start college knowing mum will not be there to witness everything, even if you have superb grades secured in college.  it sucks even more to know she won't be around in the house giving you wake up calls, preparing your fave breakfast.  but this is the new life we have to adapt to, a new life without our mums.

as for your aunt, i guess there'll always be people who think avoiding the topic in total is gonna help which is often not the case.  it makes things worse, don't it?  but the irony is that i dont like it when others tell me bits of stories about my mum, the life she used to lived, the things she used to do, because it'll only serve to bring back fond memories of the past that i'm unwilling to unlock.  it's a constant inner battle struggle we're going through.

you aren't alone, i'm with you in this battle

cheers,

perfectfan

[need2talk]

Mydoot, Thankyou for sharing your lovely, heartfelt poem on the boards. It really touched my heart. Didn't get to say goodbye to my mum, she passed on very suddenly and unexpectedly. 8 1/2 Months now... She just missed Christmas. Still in shock I think.

 I know I haven't excepted it and that scares me. Just worried what I'm going to face. Can't explain it really, except to say I sense the worst is to come and I can't imagine what that's going to be as the last 8 months have been so, so awful. Need her back.... miss her voice, laugh,.....love you mum. x 

[butterfly13]

need2talk- I too,feel that I'm just getting through every day by being somewhat in denial that my mom is really gone for good.I sense the worst is yet to come,maybe when the holidays are here,maybe when the depressing winter is here,maybe just as time goes on,and I miss her more and more.I'm not looking forward to the sad,depressing times I know are coming.My life is forever changed,and I don't like it at all.

[timesremembered]

[user=19849]perfectfan[/user] wrote:

[user=20752]timesremembered[/user] wrote:

I went to my aunt's house to visit for a week, to "get my mind off of things". I wish it helped and I tried to have a great time but I felt like the grieving process was pushed on me. My aunt and mom were very very close and she had a lot of pictures out of my mom and I and my mom. I was just crushed seeing them no matter where I went a picture was there. It was a constant reminder that she isn't there.  They acted like nothing happened I guess to protect me? I think it made it worse. I was so mad, It comforts me so much to talk about her. I start college in a week and I know I'm gonna have a hard time leaving my dad and her not being with me to do what normal parents would do. My dad called me everyday when I was gone and I hate to leave him by his self for so long.

Dear timesremembered,

it must be a hard time for you to start college knowing mum will not be there to witness everything, even if you have superb grades secured in college.  it sucks even more to know she won't be around in the house giving you wake up calls, preparing your fave breakfast.  but this is the new life we have to adapt to, a new life without our mums.

as for your aunt, i guess there'll always be people who think avoiding the topic in total is gonna help which is often not the case.  it makes things worse, don't it?  but the irony is that i dont like it when others tell me bits of stories about my mum, the life she used to lived, the things she used to do, because it'll only serve to bring back fond memories of the past that i'm unwilling to unlock.  it's a constant inner battle struggle we're going through.

you aren't alone, i'm with you in this battle

cheers,

perfectfan

Yeah, I mean they say college is suppose to be the happiest time in your life. I just don't know, I know I'm gonna going to enjoy the "full experience" I guess? It's hard to be happy with big moments in my life. They are suppose to be happy but it brings so much pain because she isn't there. I flew by myself to Texas and I know my mom would have been soo proud of me, because I've always been shy and this was a hugeee step for me.

 

Yeah, I do get upset sometimes when people do mention her.  I mean ethier way is going to upset me. If you do or don't mention her.  I broke down at my aunts house, and had a total melt down, I was so mad/sad/scared/dissappointed all at once I got into a verbal arguement with my cousin who I am very close too and I sat and cried in her room for hours. I never had a moment like that so serve. I just wanted to be home. It was really scary, but I know it is completely normal. I just wasn't expecting it.

[perfectfan]

As far as I'm concerned I'm not enjoying my current college life.  Everything sucks because mum is not here to offer me advices, see my new friends and she's always the one who attends my parents-teachers meeting now she won't be around anymore.  I wish 2 and a half year would be over sooon, so I could get over this phase.  The only thing I am grateful about is my tennis college friends I've found.  I really enjoy the times spent with them.  Maybe cause of our shared passion for tennis, it's easier to relate.  Though they dont know about my mum, I feel comfortable sharing a wee bit of things about her and my past. (:  Sadly, I'm not on close terms with my classmates.  I feel like I've got no friends in the class and that sucks again. 

But I've learnt not to bother too much about how others are enjoying their life cause our lives are different, esp so since the demise of mum, everything has changed.  And I know it's silly how I'd use my mum's death as an excuse or something but it's true it affects me both consciously and sub-consciously.

Yes yes, she will be proud of you for sure!  She'll be proud to know her daughter is so grown up and independent!  How I wish we're in the same country hahaha.

No matter how much I hate going home now, I still feel home is the best place ever (:  Stay strong my dear.  It's really completely normal to breakdown.  Tears are waste toxic anyway, don't bottle them up k! 

[lifes1k]

Do we ever really accept death??? I think we just deal with it the best we can... It is hard to truly accept something we don't understand...

I have had some good days... but then something I see or hear makes me think of my mom, like yesterday I drove my this restraunt she liked and I just burst out in tears... I get freaked out thinking I may do this for ever... I feel so out of control... Don't get me wrong I don't want to forget all the things she liked I just wish I could smile about it not sob like a big baby!!!!

I start a support group specifically for daughters that have lost their mom's next week with Hospice, I hope that will be helpful....

It's been a long 12 weeks... I hope she knows how much I miss her  :'(

[butterfly13]

lifes1k- My mom lived 15mins. from me,so everywhere I go is so hard,I'm constantly reminded of my moms favorite restaurants,stores etc..and I'm always remembering all the times we would go out together.I find myself avoiding so many places because they remind me of my mom,and how those times spent together are gone for good.I have even been thinking of moving to get away from the constant memories-some people say I should feel comforted by these memories,but I just find it painful,I don't want them to be memories,I still want her here with me.

[lifes1k]

Butterfly, I hope one day soon those memories will bring us joy instead of such pain. My mom lived pretty close to me too, like you I avoid as much as I can. I wish this was just a bad dream and I could wake up... as I am sure we all do...

Strength to all .... Deb

[timesremembered]

[user=19849]perfectfan[/user] wrote:

As far as I'm concerned I'm not enjoying my current college life.  Everything sucks because mum is not here to offer me advices, see my new friends and she's always the one who attends my parents-teachers meeting now she won't be around anymore.  I wish 2 and a half year would be over sooon, so I could get over this phase.  The only thing I am grateful about is my tennis college friends I've found.  I really enjoy the times spent with them.  Maybe cause of our shared passion for tennis, it's easier to relate.  Though they dont know about my mum, I feel comfortable sharing a wee bit of things about her and my past. (:  Sadly, I'm not on close terms with my classmates.  I feel like I've got no friends in the class and that sucks again. 

But I've learnt not to bother too much about how others are enjoying their life cause our lives are different, esp so since the demise of mum, everything has changed.  And I know it's silly how I'd use my mum's death as an excuse or something but it's true it affects me both consciously and sub-consciously.

Yes yes, she will be proud of you for sure!  She'll be proud to know her daughter is so grown up and independent!  How I wish we're in the same country hahaha.

No matter how much I hate going home now, I still feel home is the best place ever (:  Stay strong my dear.  It's really completely normal to breakdown.  Tears are waste toxic anyway, don't bottle them up k! 

I'm scared I'm not gonna be close to anyone, for not relating. But I mean I have friends here that have and haven't lost there parents and I related to them. I don't think it is an excuse. I think we see things diffrently because we've experienced such a big lost. One of my close friends also lost her father this year and we really related because our parents passed our senior year " the best year". We talk about everything because we relate so much. I don't know what I'm gonna do when we seperate for college. Are you getting consuling(sp?) at your college? I am. I know I'm gonna need it termendacily.

Thanks. I wish we were also!

Yeah, I hate crying though. But after a really good cry I feel such a relief.

[perfectfan]

You're fortunate than me to have friends who could comprehend the grief you're going, while I've none.  So I've learnt to lock up those feelings in real life and only unleash them online.  And nope, I've thought of counselling but no way am I gonna take it up at schoooool.  I just don't like that idea hmm =/

Yeah the reason why I prefer hanging out with my old friends is partly due to the fact that they knew her.  But sometimes when I bring in a topic regarding my mum, they will just give that i-dont-know-how-respond-you look. I concluded it wa because they fear of saying something bad or either they'll give that oh, I pity with you look, which aint what I'm seeking for.

Oh well, it's so complex at times.

hugs,

perfectfan

 

[timesremembered]

[user=19849]perfectfan[/user] wrote:

You're fortunate than me to have friends who could comprehend the grief you're going, while I've none.  So I've learnt to lock up those feelings in real life and only unleash them online.  And nope, I've thought of counselling but no way am I gonna take it up at schoooool.  I just don't like that idea hmm =/

Yeah the reason why I prefer hanging out with my old friends is partly due to the fact that they knew her.  But sometimes when I bring in a topic regarding my mum, they will just give that i-dont-know-how-respond-you look. I concluded it wa because they fear of saying something bad or either they'll give that oh, I pity with you look, which aint what I'm seeking for.

Oh well, it's so complex at times.

hugs,

perfectfan

 

 

I hate that other people had to experience it. I dread meeting new people and  if I should tell them or not. I still talk like she is still alive to some people that don't know. I'm scared to tell them. I guess that it will be reality.

I use the internet also. I release more because sometimes I can't tell them what I'm excatly what I'm feeling. Idk its weird. As I inch closer to college my feelings are so raw. I don't know what I'm feeling sometimes. I hate it. I get mad so easily now. Nothing use to affect me to  make me angry, now anything can set me off. It pisses me off to be pisses off.

My friends do that to sometimes. I just want to talk about her to comfort me, ya know?

[Guest cloudsaj]

i know how your feeling about missing your mom as you go off to school.  i too am getting ready to start the semester in a week.  although its not my first year and i did have my mom when i first went off to college.  I am going into my last year and next may i graduate from college and it hurts to know that she will never see my graduate.  i switched majors three years ago and i hate myslef sometimes for switching because my mom wasnt sick at that time and would of seen me graduate.  plus it is gonna be hard the first week of semester as it will be the 9 months since her passing.  and it still hurts so much.  i live at home now with dad but were not as close as my mom and i.  I wish my brother and family lived closer. 

cloudsaj

[solemate]

Today would have been my lovely Mothers birthday.  Happy Birthday Mum, I miss you terribly and wish you were with me.  I am just starting to realize that life will never be the same ever again.  When you and Dad both died that terrible day last year, my heart died with you.  I have lived in a haze for the last year and have tried to hide my grief.  This has taken its toll on me and I am now on medication to help me get over all the bumps that grieving for the two of you has caused.   I have just taken up the courage to bring out my dear Mum's beloved sewing machine.  How she loved it and used it almost daily.  Up until now, I tried several times to get it out and use it - but usually ended up in tears and just put it away again.  I am proud to say that I have used it and although in tears, happy to have gotten over that bump.  I made two lovely little teddy vests and will be sending them to someone special that my Mum knew well.  She would be proud of the effort but I know I will never be as good as she was with the craft of sewing.  Anniversary dates are painful and for me a date I dread most of all.  We used to celebrate the special days together and it seems that even Christmas this year will be another anniversay date that will be saddened by Mum and Dad not being there anymore.  Take care everyone

[lifes1k]

solemate,

How brave you are !!! Your mom was so proud of you I am sure!!!! How you feel about the sewing machine I feel about pictures, I can't look at any of them yet, it hurts terribly you give me faith that one day I will be able to look at them with joy!!!!

 

 

[lifes1k]

My children went back to school this last week and over the weekend paper work was sent home to update emergency contact information. I had to cross out my mom's name as a contact, I never imagined how hard that was going to be. I did not want to do it I must have looked at that stupid paper for an hour before I could write on it. I just crossed her off I couldn't ever write that she had passed. My kids were like what's wrong are you done yet... I could not bare tell them it hurt so much... It was a rough weekend!!!

[timesremembered]

[user=0]cloudsaj[/user] wrote:

i know how your feeling about missing your mom as you go off to school.  i too am getting ready to start the semester in a week.  although its not my first year and i did have my mom when i first went off to college.  I am going into my last year and next may i graduate from college and it hurts to know that she will never see my graduate.  i switched majors three years ago and i hate myslef sometimes for switching because my mom wasnt sick at that time and would of seen me graduate.  plus it is gonna be hard the first week of semester as it will be the 9 months since her passing.  and it still hurts so much.  i live at home now with dad but were not as close as my mom and i.  I wish my brother and family lived closer. 

cloudsaj

Yeah moving up to college the day will be 2 months. I'm kinda dreading it. But I'm looking forward to go to college..for the most part. I never was as close to my dad than my mom. When she passed my dad and I had to learn about each other. We lived in the same house for 18 years and it was like we were strangers. It was a big adjustment.

[mydoot]

Hugs to all...

[need2talk]

Feeling utterly lost at the moment. Want to go outside and scream really loudly. Hate that 'society' means we just can't do that. Can't believe I've lost her...how has this happened? Miss her so, so much. Not real

[mydoot]

need2talk, I feel the same way.  The world is not understanding.  I screamed so much the day and week my Mom died.  I still do when no one is around or I am in my car driving by myself.  I have not had a day without tears since my Mom died.  I still hate all of the doctors that treated her.  They let my Angel die.  55 years young and not a wrinkle on her face...  Scream when you want to.  It helps sometimes.  At least for me it keeps my heeart from exploding. 

I hate being alone now.  I don't like to be in my car alone.  Even when I am with people I feel alone, but at least my mind wanders a little.  Hugs to you!

[need2talk]

Mydoot, My mum was a young and beautiful 63. Her doctor misdiagnosed a D.V.T. that resulted in the blood clot that killed her. She was wary when her leg had swollen up 2 weeks before and went to the doc as she'd had a D.V.T. in the past. She went back 4 times in 2 weeks, she did everything right.... 1 simple test would have diagnosed it, medicine would have broken up the clot before it travelled to her heart, but the inept doctor, whom mum put her trust in, convinced her it was just an infection and didn't perform the test. All this despite her medical history....She sent her home alone with painkillers. My sisters and I found her. Words cannot express how that was. 

We're in the process of a legal complaint now... don't know what will come of it, but can't sit back and do nothing. My mum would very likely have made a full recovery if the doctor had done her job properly, and that's so, so hard to know. I'm full of so much anger and my heart is ripped in two. It's all the things she's going to miss yer know? My daughter growing up, all those milestones in life. If she'd been really ill or an accident or old age....hard and I'd still grieve and miss her,......  but knowing her death was completly preventable is pure torture.  

[mydoot]

Need2Talk - That's my problem.  I believe the incompetence of the doctors and or nurses is what led to my Mom's death.  55 she wouldn't have died from natural causes.  The F@!#ing doctors took my Mom off a bunch of medicines while she was in the hospital this last stay trying to see if it would give her more pep.  Well, most of the medicines specifically say do not just stop taking these medicines.  Most she was supposed to taper off (something to do with chemical balances or something.) 

My biggest complaint is that the nurses ignored me when I said her heart monitor was all over the place, they dismissed it as it wasn't hooked up right.  That is not a response you should get when your Mom is in the ICU.  Everyone dismissed her because she was so young.  10 minutes after the monitor situation my Mom was pronounced dead.  I noticed foam in her mouth and she was on a ventilator so there is no way should could have been breathing.  I yell to the nurses and the friggin nurse takes her sweet time coming in the room and takes another minute or two before calling code blue...  I don't even know if she was still alive when I got there.  She may have already been gone, but the stupid ventilator made it look like she was still breathing...  I hate it.

You should sue the pants off of the doctor that did that to your Mom.  That doctor is at fault.  Even if you do not win the case, you will have at least given him a slap in the face that he shouldn't be so cavalier with people's lives.  At least your Mom did not suffer.  Find peace in that.

[timesremembered]

As I inch closer to starting college, I think I'm going crazy..again. I'm suppose to be excited and happy..which I am for the most part..but I'm really depressed. I not looking forward to see mom's with their daughters/sons helping them move in. I was suppose to have that..but I won't. I'm really anxious to go there. I don't know how my feelings are going to be and how I'm gonna react. It kinda scares me. I know "college is suppose to be the best years of your life" I'm going to try to make the most of it.

[alysonm]

Timesremembered--last year I was supposed to be starting my last year of college but my mom passed away ten days before school started. needless to say I ended up dropping out of school the fall semester. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I am sorry you have to go through starting college without her, going through all these firsts without her. It's so hard. I remember last year at registration seeing all these moms and daughters together, of course after only about a week after her death at the time of registration I was still so numb and in shock, I was mostly oblivious, but still acutely aware that I didn't have my mom.

So I'm starting my last year of college over. This is the week she died. I miss her sooo much. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. I want her back. I want her to be alive. I'm spending a few days at my aunts house, my moms sister, and it's so hard, because it makes me miss my mom so bad. I keep thinking about the day she died, Aug 16 was the year, a year ago today was the funeral. I was working at registration at the school today and so many mothers and daughters, i just want that back. I hate this, I hate that she died. I hate that it's been a year and I still feel so sad and so much pain, I feel worse. I feel like for the first like ten months maybe this whole year has been shock. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I just miss her. I can't stop crying tonight

[timesremembered]

[user=18145]alysonm[/user] wrote:

Timesremembered--last year I was supposed to be starting my last year of college but my mom passed away ten days before school started. needless to say I ended up dropping out of school the fall semester. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I am sorry you have to go through starting college without her, going through all these firsts without her. It's so hard. I remember last year at registration seeing all these moms and daughters together, of course after only about a week after her death at the time of registration I was still so numb and in shock, I was mostly oblivious, but still acutely aware that I didn't have my mom.

So I'm starting my last year of college over. This is the week she died. I miss her sooo much. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. I want her back. I want her to be alive. I'm spending a few days at my aunts house, my moms sister, and it's so hard, because it makes me miss my mom so bad. I keep thinking about the day she died, Aug 16 was the year, a year ago today was the funeral. I was working at registration at the school today and so many mothers and daughters, i just want that back. I hate this, I hate that she died. I hate that it's been a year and I still feel so sad and so much pain, I feel worse. I feel like for the first like ten months maybe this whole year has been shock. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I just miss her. I can't stop crying tonight

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, that must have been tough right before you last year of college. I am still in shock. I still think that she's just gonna surpise me..and be like "hey I'm here" idk. I just hope for. I have a lot of pictures of her up. I have one of her shirts on my desk where I see it everytime I go to sleep and do my work. It makes me feel like she is still with me in a way. I cried when my dad left to go home. I'm not really close to him but idk why it affected me so much.

 

I'm really slow to get to know new people. I haven't been in any contact with anyone except my room mate and her friend, and a few other people I met on my floor. Idk why. I used to be  a people person, now I'm back in a shell.

[solemate]

Hello everyone on the boards  - This morning I watched as our teams returned from the o/games - I was fine until they were interviewing a young lady who said "I just want a big hug from my Mum" It struck a deep stab to my heart - I just want a big hug from my Mum - but I can't - tears flowed and the sun is shining outside yet I know its going to be a bad day for me.  I have finished work and I feel lost - I was to spend extra time with my parents when I finished work - but now I have no-one. When both my parents were taken from me (same day), I was devestated and in shock for such a long time.  How could a god let this happen - so much grief and misery to go through - what is the reasoning for this? - I will never know unless I join them. - Sometimes I think about my own mortality and what that would mean.  Sometimes the grief is unbearable and its difficult to get through a day without being unhappy.  I havent seen a rainbow for a long time.  I need something wonderful to happen to take the edge of the darkness that surrounds me. Take care everyone - gayle

[butterfly13]

gayle- I can't even imagine the pain of losing both parents at the same time-I don't know why God lets such things happen?I used to be afraid of dying,but ever since my mom died I don't feel that way anymore,I really don't care anymore.All I know is that i want to see her again so bad!  Hugs to you-Butterfly

[need2talk]

Solemate, My heart aches for the pain you are surely in losing both your, (very fun, 'warm looking') parents. I often read your posts and you come across as a lovely, warm person yourself....(clearly a legacy left to you from your parents .) You always have some words of wisdom and I suspect you were brought up with the 'tools' to manage and see positive ways of coping with life. They did that for you.Take some strength from that. 

Needing physical contact from them is really tough isn't it? Filling that time normally spent with them is pretty hard too. There's just this empty space.....can't put it any other way. I guess we have to be thankful that we had them at all....that we knew them, loved them, had them as our parents........I don't think we are ever going to stop missing them , if I'm honest, and we will always love them and they us...nothing and no-one can take that away.

They will be watching over you, proud, happy and even sad sometimes, missing you too. We will see them again,..... I have to believe that. Stay strong ~hugs~   

[lifes1k]

need2talk,

needed to hear your positive voice today, thank you... have any more for me???

Today my sister called and told me she started cleaning out my mother's "Elvis room" (she was crazy about Elvis and had a whole room of stuff)

All I can think is it has only been 3 months.... Getting rid of stuff she loved so much I can't bare to even think about it... I can't even call her boyfriend I am not sure how to get through this one I just want to avoid all her calls... we are handling everything so different....

[timesremembered]

Yeah, I'm not big on how my sister is handling it. She makes me mad about it. We've never really understood each other so maybe that has something to do with it but I just don't like it.

[timesremembered]

I thought that going home for the weekend from college was going to help me. I think I just ended up more depressed. I had some really scary dreams when I was there,and I woke up crying. I really hated seeing my dad and sister interact they have always been close and it was always mom and i, my sister and my dad. I was so upset. They interacted like me and mom did and it tore me up. I cried on the way back. What did I do to have my stablity taken away? Why does my sister get to have hers, but not me? I did nothing wrong. I'm kinda having a rough week. I had an awful dream last night that woke me up in a panic. I don't know why this is happening. I go see one of the school counsulers Friday, which I'm nervous/looking forward to/cared about.

[alysonm]

i have scary dreams too sometimes, and I always wake up crying. I hate that. Or I had dreams about my mom and there was always something wrong with her or scary about her, and although I was scared at the same time in my dream I so wanted her to stay, and she always had to leave, and that's when I wake up crying. After my mom died, I had a really hard time. I tried to go back to school, but I struggled so much. And my sister, went back to school, pharmacy school, and didn't struggle at all. I didn't understand how she could do so well after our mom died, and I was struggling so much. Especially when she was in a much tougher academic program and i was taking classes that hardly required any work. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know what it feels like to feel like you're the only one in your family that is struggling. I'm sorry. I hope that your meeting with the counselor goes well, and that it's helpful. I hope you're ok

[Guest cloudsaj]

i also just started back to school two weeks ago and this is my final year and i am having trouble getting into and knowing that my mom is not here to help guide me and talk with.  I thought she would see me graduate but because i switched majors she wont be able to see me graduate. i feel that was the biggest mistake of my life. it hurts especially because its been just over nine months.  I also have dreams of my mom not all the time but once in a while and it is kind of scary.  My family is kind of also the same way i was real close with my mom and now i dont have her and my dad and i get along were just not close.  and all my family just thinks that we should just move on and continue living our lives how we always have and it just hurts.  sometimes i just don't know what to do.  well hope everyone is taking care of themselves talk to you later

 

[lifes1k]

I am reading all of your postings and my heart breaks for you all!!! I feel sad too but not to the extent you all feel!!! (I feel a little guilty about that)

I started going to a support group I can't tell you how much it has helped! If you can you should find someone (not in your family) to talk to. A group works great for me but one on one help is there too. I have been going for 3 weeks now and it is very comforting! I was very nervous and still feel silly about crying in front of everyone but I leave there more positive and less sad. Sometimes I think we need to just be in the same room with people who understand how huge this loss truely is.

I too understand the difference in the family handling things, my sister is so put together (so it seems). Just know that we all grieve so differently, but when it comes right down to it we are all grieving!

May you all find comfort!!!

[chicagogina]

As I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of my Mother's passing (on September 20th), a friend sent this to me and I thought it was too beautiful not to share it.

[align=center]The Journey of a Mother[/align]

For those who are fortunate enough to still be blessed by having your Mom with you, this is beautiful...For those who aren't... it is even more beautiful.

 

The young Mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

 

But the young Mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children; she fed them and bathed them, and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a

bike and reminded them to feed the dog, and do their homework and brush their teeth. The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

 

Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the Mother drew them close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

 

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the Mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world. Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all...unconditional love. And when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

 

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the Mother grew old and she became a    little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the Mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children."

 

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers. One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And Mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them. And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

 

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said:  "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence."

 

Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow; she is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter.

 

And she's crystallized in every tear drop. A Mother shows every emotion ...happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow... and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. 

 

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space...not even death!

 

                                   

[align=center]MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

 

"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched - they must be felt with the heart."

 

                                                                                                                                              ~Helen Keller~

 

[align=center]We call them MOTHERS[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

 

[butterfly13]

chicagogina-  Thanks for sharing that beautiful poem,I re-read it a few times,and cried each time.I had the best mother in the world and I miss her more and more every day.I hate my life without her in it!!!

[shellebelle]

I lost my mother August 9th, I'm 16, In a car accident. I was in the car, along with my grandpa and aunt. The other car's force all went into my mom, and then our car rolled 4 times. I had some injuries, I knew she was gone or in serious condition because I spent 4 hours in the worst hospital in the world, alone. My mom was ALWAYS there, would take me to the doctors for as cough. She wasn't there to kiss the boo-boo's so to speak. I knew she was dead when i crawled out of the car and my aunt started screaming her name and there was no response. She died instantly. But when she wasn't in the hospital room...I just knew. My mom would not have cared if she was freaking paralyzed...She would have been in my hospital room. My sister and my dad were 5 hours away and my aunt had a lot of injuries and broken things and my grandpa was fine. After 2 hours they let me see my family that was there and they told me my mom was dead for sure. It didn't feel real...It still kind of doesn't. But the guy whose fault it was is going to jail. We're getting up to 4 million dollars. But there's not enough money in the world to love me as much as my mother did. My sister and my father have issues and I can't stand either one of them..So I'm kind of alone in the family area...Friday was her birthday and that was the hardest day yet. I'm not handling it well...I've also been having nightmares of the accident and I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. My sister nor my dad understand the mental things that are happening with me, me and my mom were close and we never had that weird "i hate my mom" stage. I always loved her and my friends loved her.

So...yeah.

[stephysteph13]

hi shellebelle,

i lost my mom two years ago and i was 16. what you are feeling is normal.. and will continue for a LONG time. Grieve at your own pace and don't let anyone tell you differ.

If you want to talk i do understand and was the same age ill give my AIM or email whichever one works for u.

keep your chin up!

steph

[timesremembered]

I went to the counselor Friday I really think it is going to help. She really understood the situation well. I am nervous about what I am going to do when I am not at school but I know it is going to work well here. I learned a lot about the grief process and everything.

[stephysteph13]

i cant do this anymore struggling way to much someon e HELP :(