Loss of a Mother

[claire123]

i lost my mother in october 06 just 3 weeks after my 12th birthday. i never really got to say a proper goodbye as she was in a coma and couldn't hear me. i am dreading mothers day this year. i dont know what to do.

[ps90247]

Hi.  So this coming Sunday is Mother's Day in the UK?  Here in the US, it is May 11, so I still have a little less than 2 1/2 months before that hits me.  But before that, what would have been my mother's 79th birthday is looming, on March 18th.  I have no idea how that is going to feel; I'm sure it will be extremely painful.  My mom's last 47 birthdays she spent with me.  It is really starting to hit me now.....I am beginning to see St. Patrick's Day promos all over the place...and my mom's birthday was one day after that.  I'm not sure which one of the following will be the most difficult to get through (first without my mom):  her birthday, Mother's Day, my birthday (August 17), Thanksgiving, or Christmas.  She passed away on 12/26/07; therefore, I already went through my first New Year's without her.  It was the worst New Year's Day ever and I did absolutely nothing on New Year's Eve this past year.  The only consolation, I suppose, if there is one, is that nothing going forward for the remainder of my life can be any worse or cause me more pain than my mom passing away.  If I can survive that, I should be able to survive anything.  I just completed therapy today and my therapist said I am progressing normally....I am not ignoring my family, my work quality is not suffering, I am in good health, and I have not contemplated suicide.  But what the outside world does not see is how much pain I have inside, longing for my mom.  I know I will get through this.  How long, I don't know....the old adage that time heals all wounds is probably true, but I am certain the pain will never totally go away.  I am still very much in pain but I am sure my mom would want me to move on...but I want her to know I will never, ever forget her, and that I think about her multiple times each day, and will continue to do so until I leave this life.

[Guest missu]

claire123,  So sorry to hear about your mum. I'm holding on to the fact that i know we'll all always miss our mum's, but this dreadful , raw pain will ease. I played some of my mum's favourite songs today , just so she'd know i'm thinking of her. It helped, even though i bawled all the way through! Be strong poppet. I'm sure your mum will always be proud of you. Carry her in your heart.

jx 

[Guest missu]

claire123,  So sorry to hear about your mum. I'm holding on to the fact that i know we'll all always miss our mum's, but this dreadful , raw pain will ease. I played some of my mum's favourite songs today , just so she'd know i'm thinking of her. It helped, even though i bawled all the way through! Be strong poppet. I'm sure your mum will always be proud of you. Carry her in your heart.

jx 

[Guest MISSU]

claire123,  So sorry to hear about your mum. I'm holding on to the fact that i know we'll all always miss our mum's, but this dreadful , raw pain will ease. I played some of my mum's favourite songs today , just so she'd know i'm thinking of her. It helped, even though i bawled all the way through! Be strong poppet. I'm sure your mum will always be proud of you. Carry her in your heart.

jx 

[paula7777]

hi ive not been on 4 a while its my 1st mothers day without my best friend mum, its a comfort to know im not on my own. thinking of all u guys that have also lost that very special person in there lives there lovely mothers......... i miss her so much it hurting so bad today its not even been 5 months since i lost her. xx

[paula7777]

hi ive not been on 4 a while its my 1st mothers day without my best friend mum, its a comfort to know im not on my own. thinking of all u guys that have also lost that very special person in there lives there lovely mothers......... i miss her so much it hurting so bad today its not even been 5 months since i lost her. xx

[paula7777]

hi ive not been on 4 a while its my 1st mothers day without my best friend mum, its a comfort to know im not on my own. thinking of all u guys that have also lost that very special person in there lives there lovely mothers......... i miss her so much it hurting so bad today its not even been 5 months since i lost her. xx

[adidac7700]

Hi claire. I recently lost my mom in December. I'm a nurse. I know that there are studies showing that people CAN hear when they are in a coma. I hope that gives you some comfort. Trust that your mom, wherever she was, was listening to you. I am sorry for your loss.

[need2talk]

Struggling so much at the moment. 3 months may as well be 3 hours. Yet in other ways 3 years? Weird, this time thing. It's as though everything stopped when I found my mother. Everything that has happened since feels incidental to that. The nightmares are so hard. I wake up and think it was just a dream, but then i remember that it is all true. I can't make this stop. I can't beleive this has happened. She was here, then with no warning, she wasn't. I want you back mum. How could you have gone ? you were still too young.

hurting, love you, love you, love you

jxx

[catclass]

For me it has been 14 years next week......and I still grieve for her gentle voice, soft skin and personality. She LOVED to shop. I don't, but did it for her. Enjoyed her enjoyment. I still stop and say "Mom" like I am talking to her as I miss using that name - alot. My Dad died a little over a year ago and I cannot stop "seeing" him and his walk his laugh, and replaying our scenes, restaurants, kids events, anything. I don't want to ever let go of him, them. Since I have my own kids, I hope to stay here as long as possible to be there for them, but look forward to going on to be with the people who loved me the most.

[alysonm]

I went to her grave today for the first time since the funeral. It's been 6 and a half months. There was still an indentation in the ground and the dirt was still there and everything, and I don't really know what I was expecting.  I went there to feel her around me, but instead ended up feeling angry at her at me at god, at the world at my family, at her husband, at the way things are now that she's dead. Her ring fell of my finger while I was standing there, I asked her to help me find it, I couldn't so I said she could keep it.  I went there to make it real, but I don't want this to be real, I don't want her to be dead, I want things to go back to the way they were, I hate my life now, I hate the way our family is now, how my sisters and I hardly ever talk now, and how when we do we never talk about her.  why don't I feel her? I went to her grave to feel her, and I felt nothing, I cried, and sat in the dirt and wrote in my journal and took pictures of her grave, and I talked to her but I didn't feel her there. I don't feel her anywhere. I feel lost and alone.

[sigridmaria]

You wrote about not feeling your Mom and your immense loss as if I had written exactly what you just wrote concerning your Mom. I hate life so much and knowing life with my Mom and life now, just feels so surreal and so unfair. I leave in this amazing house my Mom and I shared, but its so scary now. The beautiful nature outside, the new things we started and never got to finish. All gone. I too will go to my Moms grave tomorrow. I hate going there. I think of it all the damn time. I am so used to her physically being here. Safe in her bed, with me watching shows, eating meals together, and now, no more. Cancer has taken my Mom. Perhaps God took her. Perhaps I could have done so much more to keep her well, but now, She is gone. I hate seeing her plot. She passed last August and the ground is still kinda fresh. Monument has not been place yet and still being created. I hate being alone without her. My dog and two cats and koi fish outside, all miss her. I do not even like seeing my brother or sister like I used to. I try so hard to deal with this, but it still is such a shock. I too write in a journal but do not write much as its one of so much I have to do now since Mom is not here. I feel your pain and sometimes I feel I can not go on as the pain is way too much. Seems even more painful then my Moms cancer. Cancer sucks.   Peace, Max in Atlanta

[stephysteph13]

alysonm,

I understand the feelings you have. I have alot of the same feelings, considering we went through the same thing at a similar age. Im very angry lately and it feels like thats the only emotion i really have. The last few weeks I've been struggling more than ever, and I'm really not quite sure why. I just want my mom, one more hug, one more chat,one more anything. My mom was kreamated and i dont even have the ashes my stepdad took them and escaped i havent spoken to him, yea he is a jerk. I wish i had a place to go visit her, even tho it isnt a nice place(cemetary) I dont feel my mom either and it bothers me so much because I hear everyone tell me just believe she is watching you but if i cant hear or feel her how am i suppose to believe that you know? My counseler as told me to write in a journal but i just dont seem a point anything seems pointless. Does it help you by writing in yours? I wish I could cry, I barely ever cry over it, but when I do its a breakdown for me.... Everything that goes on in our lives is going to revolve around our moms. I dont think ill ever be normal again, well i dont even know what normal is anymore. I'm tired of pretending im fine, im hurt i miss my mom and people are allowed to know that its not like im looking for attention over something pety. u understand right? like people think its so easy and that you should just be over it but that was my mom and it hurts like hell. i guess i know who to talk too but after a while i feel like im bothering them. do u feel like that? didnt u have problems with people understanding to? if only our moms were here ughhhh!

I've been worried about you because you havent written back tomy last post, i guess you just havent been doing great im always here for you, i realy understand what you are going through

If u could attach a picture of you and your mom i would love to see it

write back soon xo

 

[user=18145]alysonm[/user] wrote:

I went to her grave today for the first time since the funeral. It's been 6 and a half months. There was still an indentation in the ground and the dirt was still there and everything, and I don't really know what I was expecting.  I went there to feel her around me, but instead ended up feeling angry at her at me at god, at the world at my family, at her husband, at the way things are now that she's dead. Her ring fell of my finger while I was standing there, I asked her to help me find it, I couldn't so I said she could keep it.  I went there to make it real, but I don't want this to be real, I don't want her to be dead, I want things to go back to the way they were, I hate my life now, I hate the way our family is now, how my sisters and I hardly ever talk now, and how when we do we never talk about her.  why don't I feel her? I went to her grave to feel her, and I felt nothing, I cried, and sat in the dirt and wrote in my journal and took pictures of her grave, and I talked to her but I didn't feel her there. I don't feel her anywhere. I feel lost and alone.

[sigridmaria]

Hello everyone,

Just want to express my feelings please. I went to the cemetary today to see my Moms plot. I hate the word cemetary, I hate any words relating to it. I cried like crazy today, both at the cemetary and at home. I am stressed about staying in the same house, I am stressed at the thought of leaving this beautiful place I once shared with my Mom. I think a lot of ending my life as I only was happy with my Mom. I feel so damn guilty I did not do enough to help my Mom battle her cancers/illness and feel if I had done more, She would still be here. Mom passed away last August and seems only yesterday. I am so scared to be by myself. The daylillys she planted in the yard are all starting to come up, as the MANY flowers everywhere. I hate looking outside. I can not get close to anyone in my family, as Mom and I were the closest. My sister says Mom is with God and Jesus now. What is she doing there? She was safe here at home, in bed, having meals with me, sharing coffee together, going places, and now, NO more. Happened from one day to the next. I do not enjoy anything else. I feel if I end my life I will not go to a good place. I feel this is a punishment toward me, perhaps stuff I have done, made my Mom sick and now she had to pay the price. I can not bare this life without my Mom at her young age. I am a gay male and now I dont have the person I cared and loved so much in my life. I go to the cemetary only to think of her in the ground. That scares me so much. I want to be with Her forever. Mom did not deserve to go the way she did. I want to have cancer too and feel her pain and go soon too. I know I sound crazy but guess I am having lost my best friend.

[sigridmaria]

How life can change from one day to the next. Why do bad things happen to good people?

[alysonm]

Max, I feel your pain. Your loss and pain is so intense and deep. I know the thoughts of ending your life are overwhelming and at the same time offer relief and thoughts of the release of the pain you are experienceing. I know this. I know that pain you talk about and I know the suicidal thoughts are tempting. It must be so hard to live in the same house you shared with your mother. I can't even drive by my mom's house let alone step inside. It must feel like for you that you are are surrounded in all these things that are hers, all theese things that remind you of her, and although I think at times this probably comforts you, it also reminds you of what you are missing and will never have again. I hope you are able to keep the thoughts of ending your life to thoughts and not plans or actions. Are you in any sort of counseling? I don't know, it might help. At times it helps me, and other times, it annoys me. I just want you to know that I know what you might be feeling. I have been there with the thoughts of hurting myself I was there last november, I am still there at times, and I know how overwhelming it must be. I'm here for you.

Hey Steph-

Thank you so much for your replies. Your words mean so much to me. It must be really hard to not have a place to go to to see your mom like at a grave. I wonder if that is part of the reason of why it is so hard for you, because you really have no concrete finality of the death of your mom, I mean you KNOW your mom died, but you don't have her ashes and you can't go to a grave so there really isn't like a concrete way to show you that your mom is dead. I don't know just a thought I had,and I hope it didn't offend you or anything and I'm sorry if it did. I'm sorry that your stepdad disappeared like that. I would think that as your mother's child you would have more rights to her ashes then her husband. I don't really know the whole story though. LIke with my step dad, my siblings and I wanted an autopsy done, but her husband didn't and they had to honor the husbands wishes, because according to the law it was his decision even though he'd only known her for five years, and we've known her our whole lives. It's just frustrating.  I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post I just really have been having a hard time the past few weeks. They have been the hardest weeks I've had sinxe she died. I think it had to do with it being my birthday, the 6th month anniversary and her birthday all in one week. I just really have this deep yearning for things to go back to the way they were before she died. Anyways, I hope you're doing ok. I'm always here for you as well.

[sigridmaria]

Thank you Alysonm,

I am greatful to read your response. I thank you so much. I have been to much grief counseling, psychiatrist-therapist, sister reminds me I have OCD. Its best to keep my feelings to myself in my family. When did your Mom pass away? Do you have feelings of guilt, what ifs? I want to end my life but I do not like guns and hanging would hurt. The pets are still here my Mom adored, the flowers, the house, so much I/we started to do in the house. Now, all a dream. I hate going to any stores, Home Depot, anything I once did for or with Mom. I am stuck here and afraid to move. I am in the worst position. They say God only gives us so much that we can handle. But, He seemed to give Mom way too much. Or is this a curse I did? Should I just be at fault as I dont see any other answer.

[stephysteph13]

Singridmaria,

I understand your pain so much. i lost my mom about a year ago, and it hurts like hell. How did your mother pass away? How old are you? I'm only 18 and i feel as if the world has stopped. i miss her so much. im graduating this yhear and i have no idea what im going to do without her there.

Are u okay?

lets get to know eachother and we could help one another.

steph

[alysonm]

Max, My mom died in August. It's been almost 7 months, but in someways it feels like it was yesterday and in other ways it feel like it's been an eternity. Of course I have feelings f guilt, like why didn't I call my mom the day she died, or I at least should have called her the week she died. I should told her I loved her more, let her hug me more, should have talked to her more. I have many regrets. I am somewhat ambiguos, undecided about God, and what I can handle, I've decided to distance myself from God, let things just happen, and take them as they come. I don't know if God is there or not. Sometimes I think not, because I never feel my mom around me, and it's hard for me to imagine her anywhere except buried beneath the ground. I don't think your mother's illness or death is an anyway a punishment for you, but I can imagine that it must feel that way for you, considering how much pain you feel, it makes sense to put a reason to it.  I don't know what to say, just that I think I know how much pain you feel the depth it goes the measures you consider taking to stop it. I sometimes think that doctors, therapists, counselors, family members think they know what is best for us, and in so doing end up overlooking what is really going on inside us, at least I often feel that way with my psychiatrist, therapist, and family. I hope you are ok. I think your pain is completely justified, let it happen, lose yourself in it, but don't let it overtake you to the point that you can't ever come out of it. I really hope you're ok. I hope you will come on here, if the urge to hurt yourself becomes too strong, or that you will seek immediate help if it is imminent, you life really is worth it.

[need2talk]

I lost my mum 3 & half months ago. I miss her so much. My sisters and I chose a spot in the Garden of Rememberance near our homes, to lay her ashes to rest, on Sunday. It was so quiet there and my mum was such a presence when she was alive that I feel lonely just thinking about it. We have to do this though. I don't want to do anything. Every step makes this all the more real. My mum's death.... this horror..... is still so much of a shock, so unexpected... I can't even put it into words. I don't even know why I'm writing this.

This is not meant to offend anyone here, but I feel like I've joined a club, a club I didn't want to be in and one I can never leave.

Miss you so much mum

Jxxx

[ps90247]

This is a good forum for those of us who have lost our moms.  Sometimes, there is simply nowhere else to go.  My wife and best friend, who both have both their parents still alive, do their best for support but they do not know firsthand how it feels like to lose a mother.  We all do here.   My wife and best friend really mean well, but sometimes I feel like they are not the best places to go for support when you really need it.  They sometimes "downplay" the situation....I don't mean it in a bad way, but they make it sound like it should be easier to get over the loss of your mother.....believe me, it is not.  They tell me to try to remember the good times I had with my mom and not dwell on her final dying days.  I do that, but at the same time, I get so depressed when I think of those good times with my mom because I know they can never happen again.  So it's basically a no-win situation sometimes.  I am trying to handle my mom's passing from different angles and I hope it will get better.....but what would have been her birthday is coming up next Tuesday, 03/18, and I am sure that is going to be a real challenge.  Hang in there, everyone.

[chicagogina]

Next week is 6 months since Mom died. The house is SOOO LONELY. So is my life. NOTHING will EVER be the same again. I just miss her SOOO MUCH every single day of my life! Man, it is TOUGH to go on day after day after day without her. I just feel like I'm going through the motions. No spouse. No kids. I was her caregiver so life doesn't have a whole lot of meaning these days, anymore. I'm always thankful for family and friends, but none of them are MOM and THAT'S who I miss!!! When will these feelings ever end, or will they???

[genobear]

how do u do it my mom passed away 2/7/08 and i am having a really hard time

at home i thought work would help but has not uhhhhh driving me nuts

u see i live in az and my mom and dad lived in the chicago area in december i went out there to help out and find a dcare giver to help out my mom she was great.

i am really having a hard time she had ovarian cancer and it was 50 percent gone then she goes to the hospital and dies

please help

tony  

[need2talk]

Tony, so sad to hear of the loss of your mum. I haven't any answers except to say take each day as it comes, surreal as it is. My mum was a sudden, unexpected death too. It's crap, all of it. 

Surround yourself with your loved ones, allow yourself to cry, find time to smile. I find talking about my mum helps, (not the same for all of us I guess). I'm not going to say that 'time heals'. I'm 3 & a half months in and when the numbness wore off 3 weeks ago, I think it has got worse in a way. I'm sure the sharp pain must wear off and then it's just a case of 'managing ' your grief. I think we will always have sad times and miss them, just learn to cope with those feelings maybe?

It's so hard isn't it? I don't profess to being an expert, until my mum died I'd never lost anyone in my immediate family. (her parents are still alive, she was only 63), I'm learning as I go along. Trying to make a few goals here and there so that I have focus. Miss her so much.

Be kind to yourself, take care.

Jane x

[jeanne61]

max . .the next time you feel like killing yourself , think of what your mother would say to that . .

just think .. how that would make her feel . if she were still alive .or IF she can still know what 's happening 'down here' .

it woudl break her heart. .

i'm sure she never taught you to 'run ' from your sadness in such a way , such a permanent way . .

ending it that way , is an insult to her memory and to GOD .. whether you believe in Him or not .. i bet your mother has no doubts NOW ..

please sit and THINK the next time this overwhelming sadness comes over you . .

think what it would do to her if she were here to know that YOU were no longer HERe ..

maybe that will make you see that 'ending ' it . is the cowards' way out . living on in her memory .. FOR HER . . is the right thing to do . and i'm sure deep down , you know that. .

i'm praying for you as i write this . my mother died today . 12 hrs ago . so i'm new at this . . i watched her die . just fall asleep .. i never saw anyone die before .and it wasnt' the horrific thing we've all been taught in the movies. . it was beautiful . she got to tell each and everyone of her loved ones something special for them . .individually .. and it meant the world to me .

i thank GOD that he gave her enough time to do that . .when she was done , she looked at me . .her only daughter . .and i looked deep into her eyes , and smiled and mouthed the word ' ' G O '' .. and she smiled and nodded . and 1/2 hr she fell asleep ..

MAY God bless all of you who are going thru this horrible loss .. there is no other like it ..

but we can recover. . after all our mothers got over a lot more than we did . and they knew they had to survive for us , their children . that's 'true' love ..

thanks for listening .. if you want t o write . i'm Jeanne at jj1simac@bellsouth.net ..

[genobear]

it juust seems like people want u to get over it

my mom passed 2/7/08  it is just very hard  

[need2talk]

genobear,  Unbelievable how some people expect us to be 'getting over it' ! What is that?? We can't be that hard on ourselves. How can 40 years of their presence be 'got over' in a few weeks/months, or even years, for some, they're our mum!!!. I think people say stuff like that because they feel uncomfortable with what has happened, ( massive reality check). They are either yet to go through it, ( and lets face it, who can possibly know how this feels until they have) and it reminds them of what they have to face one day, or they simply want you... their friend.... someone they love, to feel better, unable to bear to see you suffering this level of pain. Death is scary, people want to 'move on' put it to the back of their minds, get back to normal. That's been my experience these past few months anyway. 

We must grieve for our mums'. That's what we are supposed to do. A 'process' I've been told, horrible as it is. I spoke to someone the other day who had lost her own mum suddenly, (over 30 years ago) and she hadn't allowed herself to grieve until 4 years after her death, she was too scared to. Then it hit her like a sledge hammer. I understand about being scared to grieve. It's like, if you start crying your not going to stop?

Miss my mum every hour of the day, still doesn't feel real. 

Sorry for your loss.  We must take care of ourselves. They wouldn't want it any other way.     Jane x

[severn]

You know, my ex-fiance made a comment (which confirmed why he was indeed an ex) only a week or so after my Mum died. He was trying to be 'comforting'. He said: 'at least you only had her for 30 years. People who have their mother's for longer in their lives will probably find it harder to get over'.

!!!

He blustered through an apology without understanding what he'd said wrong, what he'd said that could possibly hurt.

Unbelievable. The sheer ignorance, thoughtlessness, insulting nature of his thought processes still galls me. The intense hurt of that comment has waned, but I don't know how to forgive him for it.

Mum and I went through rocky times - I am an only child, with a poor relationship with my stepfather. I had no one but her for a long long time. I lost her to illness long before she died - she was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was only 7, and gradually that stole her away from me. She was a changed woman when she passed. I miss her constantly. Miss is the wrong word though isn't it? It isn't missing. Missing is something you do when you know someone's coming back. The loss of our mothers' - it's more than missing. Even now, over a year later, sometimes the shock of her loss has me staring in disbelief around the room, disbelieving that I'm here, motherless. Where is she? How can she be gone? I feel like curling into the fetal position and never moving again.

[sheela]

i was watching a plane flying overhead today and i was thinking what if my mom is alive and is on that plane and when it lands she will be home here with me ?  it is some kind of wishful thinking.

i have had to cry about my mom several times today, i hate that i cant move on with peace and resignation. instead i feel, well i dont know what i am feeling really. but it hurts.

i just feel like if i could just sit with her every week even for just a few minutes i would feel so much better about her not being here like if there was a place where you go to a magical phone booth and you can see and hear your loved one for just a little while every day or something like from the twilight zone i would love that so much..

i miss her so much it just hurts so much too.  i wish for peace but have very little it seems..

my mom died last June

[sheela]

Mum and I went through rocky times - I am an only child, with a poor relationship with my stepfather. I had no one but her for a long long time.

 

i feel the same way my mom was my only family and i do mean only.. the very few other members of the family live far away and are addicts my mom was all i had and now she is gone.. i dont have a bf or kids or anything at all. i am so alone and hurting.

[severn]

Sheela said: i was watching a plane flying overhead today and i was thinking what if my mom is alive and is on that plane and when it lands she will be home here with me ?  it is some kind of wishful thinking.

For months after she'd died I often thought 'I need to pick up the phone and call Mum and tell her...oh, I can't.' Or sometimes the phone would ring and I'd will it to be her. I remember being obsessed with the idea in the first 3 months that I could actually phone the place where she'd lived, and she'd be there. I nearly picked up the phone to try on a couple of occasions. I truly believed she'd be there, and each time I had to convince myself, though it made no sense, that she wasn't. It's very normal to think and feel that way, Sheela. Not wishful thinking - just our brains and and our hearts coming to terms with our loss. ~hugs~

Scattering her ashes was odd too - I couldn't believe I was holding the remains of a box, and flowers, and my mother in my hands...

[alysonm]

I called my mom's cell phone several times the first couple of months after her death. Each time I hoped that she would pick up, and each time the voice mail came on with her saying HI my heart would skip a little and then drop so deep because I knew she wasn't alive that it was just her voice mail. I called her cell phone last week, someone answered, I hung up, we had her cell phone turned off a few months ago. I guess someone else has her number now, but it really did sort of freak me out since it was a woman's voice and everything. I just want so badly to hear her voice again, or to see her again. The last dream I had of her, she was sick and dying, and I was so happy in the dream that she was at least alive, because her death in real life was sudden, in my dream I thought at least now I can say goodbye, but I didn't even get a chance to do that I woke up. I just want things to go back to the way they were before she died. I hate the way things are right now. I miss her so much.

[need2talk]

[user=19094]severn[/user] wrote:

SEVERN wrote; "... the shock of her loss has me staring in disbelief around the room, disbelieving that I'm here, motherless. Where is she? How can she be gone? I feel like curling into the fetal position and never moving again."

This is how I feel. Never got to say goodbye, either....... x

[severn]

It was my birthday the other day. A card arrived on my birthday - it said 'for a special daughter' and had a picture of one of Cecily Mary Barker's flower fairies. When I was a kid my Mum bought me a calendar of those, which I treasured. So, when I saw that my first, instinctive thought was 'Mum's sent me a card! How is that possible?' I felt really confused, and hopeful, for about 5 weird seconds.

It was, of course, from my stepdad - he and I have been patching our relationship in the last few years, and particularly since Mum died. Even though they had a terrible relationship, ending in divorce, they were the love of each other's lives. Very sad really.

But, yes, I swear to you that for a few seconds I really believed Mum had somehow sent me a card. Part of me was heartbroken that it wasn't from her...

[need2talk]

 I feel that I can't delete any of my stored numbers relating to mum. It's kind of a comfort still having them in my address book, yer know?

I had a strange experience with cards too. (I lost my mum 3 & a half months ago). I was standing outside in the garden one evening recently, just sort of 'talking' to mum, ( sure we all do that). I was telling her how well my daughter was doing at school that week, how proud she'd have been of her. I got a bit upset, came in and decided to go to bed before the sobbing got out of control. I looked in on my girl before going to bed and lying on the carpet by her bed was a card reading "CONGRATULATIONS! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!" inside was my mums writing. I just stood there crying my head off. It was a card mum had sent her a year or so ago. My daughter has a keepsake box under her bed (amongst about a million other things!) and I suppose it had slipped out.

 Just a coincidence..... but I like to think it was my mum letting me know she'd heard and that she was with us and still as proud as ever of her grandaughter. Weird, but a good 'weird' if you know what I mean...

 

[severn]

That's really beautiful, really lovely. It's these things that convince me our Mum's are indeed still around.

Here's my own weird (beautiful, strange) coincidence story. Mum, as mentioned, was very sick - her life prematurely interrupted by mental and physical illnesses. She took pleasure in the small things, and had a real fondness for birds. There's a beach where we scattered her ashes - as per her request - that she often used to visit, walking there slowly with the aide of a cane. She had many happy childhood memories at that beach, and took me there as a child too. She really loved the sea-gulls there, and called them 'her birds'. On the day of her funeral - on that beach, and that beach only (despite it being one of a number of beaches in the coastal city where she lived) - a huge flock of gulls were found dead. No other birds, no fish, just the gulls. Scientists were puzzled and couldn't account for their deaths. If it was something in the water they were convinced that other birds, and definitely fish should have died also.

To me, and to others I've told, it seems simple. Mum took her birds with her.

Of course, it depends on your world view, and your outlook on life, but to me it is simple. She was an incredibly stubborn woman, and despite her challenges fought hard for the things that were important to her. So, she wanted her birds, and she got them.

[stephysteph13]

i miss my mom so much too. whats your msn? Lately i feel as if im breaking down also. falling to pieces. i cant do this without her anymore. it will be a year and a half on thursday and i cant even think of how hard it will be. time is flying and i want to go back where im able to hold her again. ughhhhhh

[user=18145]alysonm[/user] wrote:

I called my mom's cell phone several times the first couple of months after her death. Each time I hoped that she would pick up, and each time the voice mail came on with her saying HI my heart would skip a little and then drop so deep because I knew she wasn't alive that it was just her voice mail. I called her cell phone last week, someone answered, I hung up, we had her cell phone turned off a few months ago. I guess someone else has her number now, but it really did sort of freak me out since it was a woman's voice and everything. I just want so badly to hear her voice again, or to see her again. The last dream I had of her, she was sick and dying, and I was so happy in the dream that she was at least alive, because her death in real life was sudden, in my dream I thought at least now I can say goodbye, but I didn't even get a chance to do that I woke up. I just want things to go back to the way they were before she died. I hate the way things are right now. I miss her so much.

[chicagogina]

Thursday was exactly 6 months since my Mom passed away. I miss her EVERY DAY of my life and KNOW I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Today is Easter Sunday and a sweet reminder, at least to me, of the love of my Savior, and the knowledge I have that I WILL be together again with my Beloved Mother and Father some day. God Bless!

[stephysteph13]

happy easter everyone!

this is my second one without mom and it sucks so bad. i miss her so much and would kill for her to be here right now. ugh i dont know what to do.

[Guest Magdelene]

I lost my mom 3 months ago. It is so awful, I feel that I continue to live in a nightmare. I woke up the other morning and thought I had been dreaming what has happened; but it is all real when I came to. I can't bear this; that expression now really means something. I continue to go to work, come home, care for my family, pay bills, but it is all so meaningless. I love my mom so much; it is so difficult that life can carry on now she is gone so suddenly. She really liked heath Ledger films for example, and The Beatles, all the news about them would be something she talked  about. It is so hard listening to things going on around us when she no longer exists.

[stephysteph13]

Magdelene,

I understand. I lost my mom over a year ago and it seems so intense and unreal. im so depressed over it, and no one understands they think that we should just be over it and be back to normal again, but then again i dont even know what "normal" means anymore. its a very tough rollercoaster to go through, and honestly these boards do help. when you write on here it makes u feel like u arent the only one feeling the way your feeling. it sucks, and thats really the only way of putting it. there isnt a day that doesnt go by that i dont think about my mom and miss her, i have good and bad days but ever since thanksgiving ive been in a "funk" and im really finding it hard to snap out of. its a very, long dreadful process. If you dont mind me asking how did your mom pass away? Mine was from cancer and she was very sick for about 4 years.

I'm always here if you need to talk. I do understand.

Stephanie

[user=0]Magdelene[/user] wrote:

I lost my mom 3 months ago. It is so awful, I feel that I continue to live in a nightmare. I woke up the other morning and thought I had been dreaming what has happened; but it is all real when I came to. I can't bear this; that expression now really means something. I continue to go to work, come home, care for my family, pay bills, but it is all so meaningless. I love my mom so much; it is so difficult that life can carry on now she is gone so suddenly. She really liked heath Ledger films for example, and The Beatles, all the news about them would be something she talked  about. It is so hard listening to things going on around us when she no longer exists.

[severn]

Hugs to you both, Steph and Magdalene...

Not much to say other than to give you both hugs, and to say 'I know'.

[stephysteph13]

servern,

im struggling so much! help. i dont even know which way to turn right now. im miserable

[severn]

I've read a lot of what you've written here hon and I've been meaning to ask - are you getting any grief counselling? If you've mentioned that you are sorry if I missed it. Nothing will bring your Mum back, and counselling might help you find some strategies to help with that. I can tell you're really struggling to adjust to this new life without her. My heart goes out to you sweetheart. I know what it's like to have a Mum who was sick a lot. It sucks, it really sucks. We're robbed as daughters, and we have to see a person we love beyond all others suffer until they pass away. It's very hard, and we need a lot of support and understanding. ~hugs~

Why don't you tell us a bit about her? Her favourite foods, colours, what she liked to do? It might help to talk about her...bring her into our lives.

Listening...

K

[stephysteph13]

[user=19094]severn[/user] wrote:

I've read a lot of what you've written here hon and I've been meaning to ask - are you getting any grief counselling? If you've mentioned that you are sorry if I missed it. Nothing will bring your Mum back, and counselling might help you find some strategies to help with that. I can tell you're really struggling to adjust to this new life without her. My heart goes out to you sweetheart. I know what it's like to have a Mum who was sick a lot. It sucks, it really sucks. We're robbed as daughters, and we have to see a person we love beyond all others suffer until they pass away. It's very hard, and we need a lot of support and understanding. ~hugs~

Why don't you tell us a bit about her? Her favourite foods, colours, what she liked to do? It might help to talk about her...bring her into our lives.

Listening...

K

Severn,

thanks for your reply. it just hurts so much, i cant live without her, and me having too scares me. She was the best, we were very close. Her favorite colors were red, orange, yellow. She liked to watch movies, and go hiking and stuff. severn, this is so hard to do for some reason i keep going blank. it hurts so much. i want to talk about her, but she was sick for so long that right now all i have are nasty, sickly memories. like when she was on a resprirator etc. i dont know what to do. i feel like im all alone in this big nightmare. it sucks for us missing our moms. how long has your mom been gone? how do u feel about it? tell me a little about your mom too.

thanks for everything! i dont feel as alone coming to these boards.

Steph

[stephysteph13]

sorry and yea i do attend counseling been going for about 2 years now and i love it i actually have an appt. tomorrow. do u go? i think it helps alot without my counseler i wouldnt be half as strong, i think i would be alot worse...

[severn]

Hey Steph. I'm glad you have counselling to go to! I've just started going myself, for lots of reasons, not just about Mum. I'm lucky in that one of my best friends is a counsellor, and I have a supportive as hell husband. I'm also glad you find your counselling such a help.

So your Mum loved the colours of the sun! That's lovely. My Mum loved greens and blues - the earthy ones. She loved trees and birds. And one of her favourite bands was The Moody Blues. I think of their song 'Nights in White Satin' as being 'her song' and can't bear to listen to it. She died a year and a half ago, but it feels like only a few months ago. I don't understand how it got to be so long. She was very witty, and intelligent, and despite being mentally ill, was very concerned with the political state of the country, and our health system. I was her only child and she loved me like nothing else. I have a whole bunch of letters from her, since around 1997, so I can read them whenever I need to 'hear' her voice (which I still remember).

I know what you mean about the sickly memories, hon, I really do. My Mum got sick when I was 7, and it took her over when I was around 14. So, most of my good memories with/of her are before I was 14. I miss the Mum I had as a child the most. Even though she was so ill, and it took her away from you, your Mum was in there hon. I'm truly sorry you had to lose in such a way.

[stephysteph13]

Why is it hard?? How do you get through each day? I dont even cry alot, i actually have trouble crying over it. i guess because i cried so much when she was sick. but i feel very down mostly all the time, even when im w my friends, im just not happy but i dont even know what happy is anymore. i havent been "happy" in so long and its sad. i just miss my mom so much, my life will never be the same  but i guess i must get used to it. my mom has been gone a year and half this past thursday she died Septemeber 20 2006, and u know what? im graduating on june 20th im like out of all days. it sucks so bad, someone asked me today if i was excited about prom and graduation and u know the sad thing is im not, and im wondering if ill ever be. to think that she wont be there to hug me when i get my diploma breaks my heart. i feel like im all alone, but i guess im not. is it real tough for u? do u struggle alot? im trying to feel a little better but it just seems so hard, like when im happy it doesnt really feel like she is dead. i dont know its hard to explain.

everytime i feel alright, it only lasts for so long then gets harder all over again. im hoping one day ill be able to feel "ok" i wonder when ill ever be able to feel alright again, and that is one of the scariest things ever.

im falling apart =/

steph

[severn]

It is very hard, and I do struggle. The other day I went into a pharmacy and the first thing I saw was a cute little bag made out of felt. It stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry because my Mum used to make felt wall hangings. The picture on the bag (of a bunny) looked just like something she would make. I bought it, and am looking at it now. The world feels weird, and wrong, without her most of the time.

The guilt that you're feeling when you feel happy is normal, hon. Believe it or not, most people who lose someone close to them have all kinds of problems with guilt. My own guilt - I didn't look after her enough, didn't visit her enough, was a bad daughter etc. Your Mom though, Steph, would want you to be happy. She would never think that it meant you're somehow 'over' her death. Grief is a succession of stages - and the stages are cyclic..they repeat over and over, in diferent orders. If you're feeling happy that's good and ok, that's part of your process through grief.

It's impossible that your Mom is going to miss these important things in your life - prom, graduation, grandchildren, weddings. It's something those of us who lose our mother's when we're young all face, and I imagine it's impossible for all of us. The important thing is to have a good support system in place, people we can turn to at those times, help us through them: let us talk, or cry, or simply sit in silence holding our hands.

Keep talking. Still listening...