Loss of a Mother

[solemate]

Dear Guest - my sincere regards in relation to your loss - your pain is so raw and you seem to be on a roller coaster of emotions.  I know we all feel this.  I had to turn off my mums life support system after a horrible accident that also took my Dads life.  I feel guilty about turning it off, I want her and dad back so badly, but I know it wont be.  My first birthday without them was just horrible, I could celebrate at all.  This Christmas will also be horrible. For my first Christmas, I will try to 'keep it together' for my adult children and my husband.  They have been very supportive but I must also be considerate of my husband's feelings.  He lost his Mum 2 years earlier and her birthday is Christmas day.  My mum (and dad) will forever be in my heart but I cant seem to let go.  Its almost like if I let go, I will forget them. I am lucky to have a recording of my Mum and Dad on our phone system, I play it often just to hear their voices - Am I loosing it? I know life and death happens, this is life -  it can deal us a huge blow with some nasty situations attached.  I just miss them so much and feel so numb and lost without them.  Thank you to all the wonderful people who share some very private moments and thoughts with us all.  I know that this has helped me greatly.  I feel safe on this site, everyone can say, "I know how you feel" - take care everyone - Gayle

[mofirefly]

Gayle - When I read what you posted about letting go might mean forgetting - it really hit me.  I think quite a few of us feel that way.  I'm mainly trying to let go of the burden of sadness and concentrate on remembering....it's still hard to do and tho time does make some things easier, others remain difficult.  This Fri my daughterinlaw is having a Christmas Tea - and we have decided to decorate the table with most of my mom's items so that she will be with us...and tho I will be fighting back tears, I think it is a beautiful jester to bring her along with us as we go into the future....but the heart still aches doesn't it?!?  Take Care!

[solemate]

mofirefly and others  - you comments are always welcomed - you are right - its the feeling of sadness - at times overwhelming.  I try hard to be happy and filled with joy, but the reality is I am just kidding myself.  Today I have been with a group of other people that belong to a Historical Society.  Mum and I were members and it was hard for me to be there without her, but I made it through and at least there were no tears today.  I know I should engage in other things to keep me active, but the things I enjoy are in some way connected to my Mum and Dad.  So many of us on the boards are filled with sadness and find it difficult to break away from the grip of depression.  Are there any good hints out there that can help us all.  I was thinking of starting a special day for all of us. (sunrise day?) Doesnt matter if we are in USA, UK, Australia or whereever.  My thoughts are just having an annual day It would be nice to meet up with others that we have all grown to know.  To the many people who post, you have become my support and extended new family.  Such  an event could be held onthe same day in different countries - just a get together - I could just see lots of hugs, tears and long chats.  Anyone think this would be a good idea? (timeline some time next year. ) any thoughts email me at  costigan@bigpond.net.au  - take care Gayle  

[gracerose]

it's been just over 7 months since my Mom passed away. it's so hard to think about christmas without her. so i'm trying not to think about it, but yeah, that's pretty hard to do with everything being 'christmasy' out there. i hate it. i think back to last christmas and how i wish it were then again. this loneliness and sadness is so hard. i miss her so much. i've been keeping busy with work and family and friends, but at the end of the day, at night, it's just me and the grief hits. some nights i'm alright with it, i think of the happy times we had and all the love she brought to our family. but it's those things that make me the saddest too. i miss her so much it just hurts. i wish it was february already, anything to get past christmas and january. i know what i feel is normal, for me anyway, but it's so hard.

[libra1]

I felt exactly like you do this time last year, for it was my first xmas without my mom. I was 39 when I lost her. The first birthday without her, xmas, in fact the first everything was hard. This year was better. But the pain don't go away.  If you have kids, try to embrace the season just for them. I too have grown kids,  they're spirit kept me going. Sometimes it feels like i'm taking one step forward, and three steps back, but looking back, I'll say the first year was the toughest. Take care of yourself.  It's not an easy ride ahead, but you will get through this. keep in touch with us at this wonderful website.

[mirren]

Hello,

I guess I'm officially replying to Gracerose's comment, but I am introducing myself to all and to the forum and sending blessings out to all of us. I have no Christmas in my heart. Those of you with children are blessed.

Thank God I stumbled on this forum! I lost my most precious Mother August 14th and I feel like I'll never move on from this. I'm 50 and a big mamma's girl. I live in the house we shared, have no kids, no syblings. My father  - who was horrible  - died over 25 years ago.  I try to pray and remember I am not alone because God is with me. I try to be grateful that my mother lived a long life - 83 years. It is tough to be grateful because I am selfish and know that no other human being will care about me like she did. Even though she was 83 she had basically been healthy and her death happend 5 weeks after a diagnosis. I am glad she didn't suffer, but 5 weeks didn't allow much time for me to adjust; I spent most of it in denial.

I'm sorry to ramble, but no one else "understands" and I know the people here do. People I work with act like "aren't you over that yet?" and it makes me resentful and angry. Even coworkers who have been through this seem insensitive! They're all about the job, and frankly, I don't give a damn! They go on with their stupid staff meetings and projects and holiday parties and I just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me. I am fortunate enough to participate in a grief support group and have a therapist, but that still doesn't help. Maybe it will eventually, but I keep being taken by surprise as new waves of grief roll in.

My heart breaks for the young people on this list. It just plain sucks. It's rotten and awful and the pain leaves you breathless sometimes. Believe me, being 50 doesn't make it "easier." At least this is a safe place here everyone really gets that. My heart breaks for all of us. I'll probably get to know the people here well because I'll be online lots. Sleep is impossible unless I take a pill (which I hate because it leaves me groggy well into the next day).

It's a shame that we're "meeting like this," but thanks for "listening." It's good to be in a place beyond platitudes. If one more person comes at me with that "one-day-at- a-time-this-too-shall-pass" stuff  I'll SCREAM!

here is a big, virtual hug for anyone reading (--------0--------)

m/

[alysonm]

I really miss her today. It was four months three days ago that she died. I don't want Christmas to come. She loved shopping and I loved shopping with her. Now shopping doesn't feel as fun. I want so badly to go home for christmas but there is no home to go home to anymore. Home is where she was. Normally this time of year I would be getting done with finals at college and going home for the semester break. Instead this year I had to withdraw from the semester and there is no home to go home to. It freaking sucks that when my mom died, I lost so much more than her. I lost her, I lost a home, I lost her support financial and otherwise., I lost a sense of security, and so much more. i hate that because she died EVERYTHING changed. I have less than $100 to my name until I start school in January, Normally she would be helping me through this time, like a lot of mothers do. But she;s not here. I don't know what to do. Losing a parent is hard, but it I think that I had I been younger when it happened or older it might have been easier. But I feel like I'm at an age where I'm not a child and I was just starting to become and adult.Maybe not. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. It would have been hard at any age. I just want so badly to go home. January can't come fast enough.

[mirren]

it is hard at any age. the strange thing is, i read somewhere that this kind of loss is what makes you really grow up. i'm 50 and i guess i'm still not ready. blessings to you and best wishes to help you make it through the holiday season. i know you're hurting. it helps just to have that acknowledged by someone. i am so sorry for your loss.

[solemate]

Hello everyone on boards - I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is for all of us during the forthcoming Christmas time.  For me the loss of my dearest best friend, my Mum is something that I still cant come to grips with.  It will be my first Christmas without her and Dad and I miss them terribly.  Today I feel exhausted - both emotionly and physically.  My Mum and I would have been organising things for Christmas and visiting the Christmas lights.  I am stuck in no-where land just numb from the past few months - not moving forward and not moving back.  I read everyones posts and feel that I should be going forward - I am a mature person of 53 years and should be able to flick off this feeling.  I have wonderful support from my husband and daughter (son lives too far away) but I dont want them to feel my grief all the time.  My husband has also just lost his dear parents.  We both knew one day all four would go, however for me they were taken from me without notice and far too soon.  I am just so tired and worn out, overweight and miserable.  I am looking forward to a new year in the hope that a change from 2007 to 2008 will mean a start of new feelings. - love to you all during the next few weeks  Gayle

[raelz79]

I am a 28 year old mum of 2 boys. I lost my dad 10 years and 3 months ago today, and i lost my best friend, my mum, 3 weeks ago today. I am hurting so much inside that i hide it from everyone. I am still in what i call mission mode, meaning that i have too much to do to be able to grieve yet. And it is still not real at all for me.

Because my mums Will was not updated in time my husband my two children and i have to move. i have lived inthis home majority of my life - 21 years. So i have so many other fears to deal with at the moment i have pushed anything for mum aside and only let myself cry late at night when the kids are in bed and taken care of.

I was only 18 when i lost my dad, and i ended up having a nervous breakdown from the the loss and a few other things that happened all around the same time. I dont want to get that low again and thoguht that maybe sharing my story with others might help me a little and might also help someone else.

I have so much else going on in my head, anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, and so many other emotions too that i dont know what to do. I am not a religious person at all but i do know in my heart that my mum and dad are together again and i can take some comfort in that. But am i silly to want to know that they are ok?? Am i silly to want to talk to them both again??

My mum and i did everything together. She even came to work withme. i was a singer and she came to every show that she could. Even hwn i went out with my friends, i would bring my mum along, and no one minded because she was a friend to them all too. Mum was only 59 in October and was taken from me way too early. Lung disease caused from smoking is what took her life so quickly. She left behind not only us 4 kids, but also 11 grandchildren with more on their way.

I am too upset now to write anymore, so i will wait until i see more peoples experiences and try and understand my grief using their situations as well. I will try and llok at things from the 'glass half full' point of view, and continue to take each day as it comes.

My hopes are that everyone else is taking each day also, especially with christmas only days away. WOW what a different year this will be!!

[raelz79]

[connect]

None of us are excempt from trouble. My mom is going through some trying times right now, lot of tests and stuff, but we pray things will be fine.

[katrine]

Dearest Raelz79, I know the heartache of losing a beautiful Mother who was an amazing support and a best friend.  I feel for you at this time. My mum died 2 years ago and she had just turned 61.  I remember being in mission mode. It helps to protect and shield for a while.  Your grief will surface in it's own time, on it's own terms.  It a difficult road.  Don't be afraid to talk to your parents, they will hear.  Bfore Mum died she urged me to talk to her and she assured me she would hear with all her heart...I feel that she does listen to me.  Please seek some support for yourself in whatever way this looks.  Seeing a counsellor and seeking support from friends, family, nature and study has helped me, personally to nourish myself and heal a bit.  I know this is all just talk, and its a rough, raw road.  Reading between the lines, you sound courageous, and the fact that you are making a concious choice to see the glass half full is a good sign.  Be gentle with yourself.  Hugs, Kat

[paula7777]

hi all, its my mums birthday today she would of been 59, its also 2 months since she died. i cannot believe i am even on this site tilking about my mum its all so unreal and hard to understand and comprehend. she was my best friend i am missing her so much i never new grief was so painful. i just want to sing happy birhtday to her an let have piece of her diabetic cake id make for birhtday.everyone is getting on my nerves an my mum always made me laugh .all the family were meant to be going for lunch today for mums birthday but i have just called to book but its closed and this has really upset me normally id just book somewhere else but this was mums favourite place to eat.  i am really feelin low amd its mums birthday , i should be stronger for my little sisters and i just want to look myself away and cry. i hope everyone has a good christmas rake care all paula xxx

[solemate]

Merry Christmas Mum and Dad - love your darling daughter  Gayle - Miss you both heaps

[stephysteph13]

merry christmas mommy! i miss u

well today was rough. of course i faked a smile but deep down was dying. i miss her so much i cant wait for this day to just end. i just want someone to talk to but no one seems to understand how stabbing the pain is.

ughhhh im 17 and my life was turned into ****. my mom was my everything and now i have nothing.

merry christmas everyone. hope u had a better one

steph

[thinkingoutloud]

 My mom passed away in May, and I have done pretty well until this holiday.  Couldn't even find the base to the Christmas tree at my house, so we decorated the ficus.  My mom was big into decorations.  She decorated the chapel in the church every year, and her own home was a marvel.   There was a whole crew of us after Christmas one year, and I suggested we help take down just the decorations at her house.  It took about 6 hours, and there were at least 7 of us working.  Me?  This year, I didn't even pull out my traditional ornaments.  The ficus got ones I inherited from an aunt this year.  And my dad's house got even less.  We put up the six-foot wreathe in the front window, and no one knows our hearts are breaking and desolate inside.  And that was it.

I sat at church preparing for a choir program and found tears running down my cheeks.  I think of the new year, and I don't even want it, because she won't be even a tiny part of it. And to top it all off, I feel like I have lost two parents in many ways, because my dad is doing such wacky things.

All in all, it has been a hard year.   My mom's death, my aunt's death (surprise, another will was signed just before she died when she was incompetent, and everyone gets to go to court to prove it since it was changed to benefit only charity, not family.  At least that is how it is shaping up so far!!), my closest aunt not doing well in a nursing home.  On the other side of the family, an aunt recently in remission from cancer this year.  My brother moved in my house due to loss of a job and a divorce (ugly one, too), and I have gained forty pounds this fall.  Then my cousin who married my roomate 32 years ago had a sudden divorce, too.  My son is having trouble getting himself to school and is in danger of not graduating.  And that is just family, not counting the friends whose lives are unraveling at the same time!  And all of this since springtime! Yikes!  Maybe I should welcome the new year.  I don't see how it could get much worse!

When things got bad, I just called my mom to talk.  She was so cute at the end.  She knew she didn't remember things, but she would say, "At least I can still listen and let you know I love you.  I can't do anything to really help, but I will listen. And if you need me to listen again, I can do that, too."  And oh, how just having her here did help!

Thanks for listening.  I will pray for all of our hurting hearts tonight!  And thanks for listening, too!

[stephysteph13]

thinkingoutloud,

i can def relate to you i lost my mom a little over a year ago and have been struggling ever since. im 17 and was turned into an adult rather quckly, because my mom was sick with cancer for four years. i am depressed more this year than last because it is sinking in more because now i know she isnt ever coming back! it sucks. my mother was everything to me and i have never felt so lost and confused. its a tough situation and unforuntely your road has just begun, but it does get a little i mean a little easier to live with. i understand the holiday feelings, i didnt even want to celebrate christmas this year. i had no interest! my mother loved xmas and putting ornaments on the tree was something we did together. this year i sat and watched and my aunt and uncle did all the work. its hard. im very strong and i dont cry often but when i do i have major breakdowns because i hold it in for a long time which isnt good.

im always here to talk. i may be 17 but i understand so much.

with love

steph

[thinkingoutloud]

My mom was just 17 when she lost her own mother.  I think that hurt her whole life.  When I get really down I remind myself just how blessed I was to have her for so many years.  Thanks for your post.  I am sorry you are in the same position, but together,  many of us can help lighten the burdens.  Somedays we are the help. other days we are the ones needing to be lifted up.

I know exactly what you mean about being strong most of the time.  That is how I do.  Then, when I crack, it is a major crack.  I am glad I have a belief structure that lets me know families are forever, and I remind myself this separation is only temporary.  We are so blessed to have so many loving people in our lives.  But there is such a special relationship with moms, it is almost like losing a limb and still living.  A big part of myself is gone.

I am going to my dad's for New Year's Eve.  I can't begin to imagine how he feels after over 60 years of marriage!

You are the same age as my youngest son, and I know how he is such a mixture of strength and fragility.  I imagine you are the same.  May God bless you, and keep in touch.  Thanks for improving my day!

[stephysteph13]

you're welcome. people on here always improve my day too! its a great support system. yeah my life hasn't felt right since the day she left this world. ive been depressed for a long time now because she is missing so many of the milestones in my life. the second year is def harder than the first bc during the first i was so numb. this year it's hit me and it hit me hard. im missing her more than ever and i just want her to be there for my graduation, prom, wedding, kids etc. she never even got to see me drive. yeah she missed that too. she barely made it to last dance recital because she was so sick. last year she wasnt here and i didnt enjoy performing at all because she wasn't in the audience. it was hard. i danced for 11 years and was always so happy dancing and last year i didnt enjoy it at all. i actually didnt go back this year.i feel so lost and i know the long, painful journey has really just begun. i dont see a point of anything without her, it feels like nothing makes sense anymore. when you are ready post of pic of you and your mom. there is a pic of me and my mom on the page somewhere.

i dont really talk about it to anyone anymore. just keep a lot of the grieving to myself because people have too much to say they think we should be fine by now and we cantbe sad which is bull**** because its one of the most painful things a person can go through. its a life-changing event. im just starting to actually feel the pain intense because there are so many family problems too which didnt makeit easier. i have an issue too my dad is very unheathly he is 5'3 and almost 400 pounds. cant breathe and canbarely walk. he cant put his shoes and socks on. its soo sad and its scaring me so much. yeah i have a lot going on. grieving over mom and praying that my father does something because the doctor is real concerned. i already lost one im deathly afraid of losing another one.  its a sad thing. but im very strong and no one knows all thesadness i feel. i want to enjoy my life but its hard when u have events in your life that are bad. i just wake up and on some days i feel okay and some days i feel horrible. but whatever i guess its part of the process. im 17 and i feel like im losing a lot of my life because god took my mom.

how did your mom pass away? if you dont mind me asking. ill always be here to talk. ill make you smile!

how are u feeling today?

hope you enjoy the new years.

with love steph

[gracerose]

So here it is, 2008 and I somehow survived the holidays. Thank you to mirren and libra1 for your words. I agree, it is so difficult no matter your age. I'm 46, my Mom passed away 8 months ago and I think I went into "numb mode" the past couple of weeks - only way I knew how to cope.

I have no young children, my son is a young adult and thankfully we're very close. We spent the 24th and 25th together...but didn't really acknowledge Christmas. This is the first Christmas I've spent at my home...all my life I've spent it with my Mom. Since I live about a 100 miles from where my Mom used to live, I always went home for Christmas. So this was the first year in all my years that I haven't gone home. I'm very thankful for my son and that we are close and spent the time together. It was a blessing that neither one of us was completely alone.

While the rest of the world carries on, we walk beside each other in grief and there are no words to describe the loneliness and sadness that such grief brings.

I know my beautiful Mom is in a beautiful place and no longer suffers with pain and that's what brings me comfort and peace. Everynow and then though, the finality of it all hits me and it feels like my heart is being crushed. I will not see her again here, never get to hold her hand or hug her or hear her voice again. That's what I'm struggling with...this feeling of it's just over. I know it's not, in the spiritual sense, and I am very spiritual, but I'm here and I have to cope in this world and it's so hard. I miss my Mama so much. And not too many people understand, except those of us who are going through it. Sometimes I'd rather avoid talking to some of my friends, even some of Mom's family, because they think we should be right "back to normal" by now and since we're not and I don't even know what normal is anyway, I'd rather not deal with their lack of understanding and compassion.

To all of you also walking beside me on this grief journey, take care, God bless all of you and may you find comfort each day. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!

gracerose

[alysonm]

well I am back from spending Christmas with my sisters. From the day I left to see them this was the day I was looking forward to: coming back to my apartment. I don't know why. We didn't talk about her at all. I wanted to say something, I felt like something should have been said that we should have acknowledged her in some way, but we didn't we carried on like it was normal for us to be spending christmas without her. It felt empty. I wouldn't have done Christmas at all if it hadn't of been for my sis's kids. I think I sort of went into numb mode too. I think we all did.

I want to talk about it with them. They are the ones who might know what I'm feeling because she was their mom too. Four months since she's been dead and its like we're supposed to be back to normal. Maybe not normal but we're supposed to feel like it's normal to be without her already. It feels to soon to feel that way. I sometimes feel like I'm going to explode with this grief, I don't know how to let it out. I haven't even been to her grave yet. No one has. Not since the day we buried her. It just feels like I'm doing this all wrong. I just.....feel lost, and the one person who can help me is the person who is dead.

[solemate]

alysonm - let your pain out - 4 mths , 6 mths 10 ths 2 yrs 10 yrs - time has no barrier when it comes to coping with our grief.  I know how you feel when you say you want to speak to others after your Mom.  It is awarkward until someone starts to speak about the loss of the person.  Speaking (and posting these notes) has been my lifeline and support towards my sanity.  When I dont want to burdeon my husband with my feelings, I go on line and vent my feelings on these boards.  It has helped me.  I can now mention my dear Mum's name and look at her pictures without a total breakdown.  I have times of sadness where I just smile at the pictures and others times reduce me to tears.  This grief can come at any time whilst doing the strangest things.  I was on the phone to a stranger arranging something and somehow my parents death crept into the conversation.  I was very emotionally and had to tell the person that I would phone back.  Your grief is still so very raw and only you will know when you are feeling better.  I am trying to focus on 2008 being a better year, I hope this for you also.  Take care and be kind to yourself - Gayle

[littlebug]

It has been a very long time since I've last posted on here.  And it has surely changed for the better.  I hope everyone managed to find some peace and comfort over the holidays as I know how hard they are without your loved ones.  It has been almost 4 years since I lost my Dad and 2 since I lost my Mom.  And the pain is still there, they are still on my mind every single day and I am still trying to move on with my life.  I miss them both with everything in me.  My only child is now 15 months old and they never got to see her and it absolutly kills me.  I was the youngest of 6 children and I just get so mad thinking how unfair it is that they never got to see me as a mother.  And to have gotten to know my child.  I will never understand that but at the same time, it amazes me how God gave me my little girl to help me get through my losses.  Without her I don't think I could have kept my sanity. 

I miss chatting with everyone on here that I used to talk to and I hope everyone is doing well. 

I see that there have been many, many new people on here since I was last here.  My heart goes out to you all.  I know how you feel and I am willing to talk to anyone that wants to talk to someone.  I know when I lost my parents,  I was reading everything I got my hands on about lost loved ones, how to contact them again (if possible) and all sorts of grieving books.  I was trying to find some kind of peace.  And just felt totally empty inside.  It is a tough road to go down but remember everyday you do get stronger (even though you don't feel it) and you never forget them or things that they've taught you over the years.  You will remember conversations you've had with them that you hadn't thought of in years.  I like to believe that is their way of still being with us.  I remember after my Dad passed away my Mom and I were talking and agreed that whichever of the two of us passes away first we would try to contact the other to let them know that they are aware of us after they pass on.  And I do believe with all of my heart that she has contacted me in many, many different ways.  So, I now try to keep my chin up and make them proud of me.  For I know they wouldn't want me to give up and be depressed all the time because where they are now is far better than where we are now.  I hope this has helped someone else that feels the way I felt when I lost them. 

I am here for anyone that would like to talk.  Take care and may God bless you all!!!

[hardeyfamily]

I also want to know that my mom is okay.  It is unreal how I am just looking for signs that she is in Heaven.  You wonder about things you have never thought of at a time like this.

[littlebug]

Hardeyfamily,  when my mom (and dad) first passed away I was looking for any kind of sign that I could from them.  It was almost a year when I even had a dream about my Dad.  And in those I didn't see his face.  I did adventually though.  When Mom passed away I had that dream about her telling me where those checks were that I had mentioned in the other post.  And in that first week that I finally managed to go back to work, I think she woke me up every morning that whole week.  She used to love to wake me up because I'd always carry on a conversation with her in my sleep. lol.  And I knew in my heart that if she'd try to contact me that'd probably be how she'd do it.  The first time it happend I woke up to something knocking on the nightstand right beside my side of the bed.  My husband was sound asleep and no one else was there.  I went back to sleep thinking I was dreaming and just before I was in a sound sleep I heard it again.  I knew it was her.  (I check the door to and no one was there eithor)  I felt such a warm feeling like she was actually there).  After that week if was a very long time before anything like that had happend again.  Three weeks later I found out that I was pregnate and all the grief I was going through was kind of put on hold because I was really trying to hide my hurt and focus on the baby.  I was still hurting tremendously but knew I couldn't dwell on it as much because of hurting the baby.  When my child was born, she looked exactly like my mother.  My parents had 11 grandchildren and mine was the only one that actually looked like my mom.  It was wild. 

I have read the book, "Hello From Heaven" that is mentioned on these posts a lot.  It really helped me.  I think, from experience, that to feel them you have to be totally relaxed in a quiet atmosphere and ready for them emotionally.  There was another book that I got that mentioned something about meditating in a bathroom in front of a mirror.  I can't remember the exact details about this one but out of despiration I did try it and lost focus, and thought I was being silly.  So, I opened the door to leave the room and could have sworn I saw my mother in the door way to one of our bedrooms.  It scared me to death.  I don't know why, and do this day I'm not sure if I really saw her or what.  I've not really had the chance to try that again or even know if I'm ready for that just yet. But you may want to get that book "Hello From Heaven" if you haven't already.  I have read somewhere that they won't come to you until you are ready for them to.  I don't know how true it is.  But I really do believe they are closer to us than we are even aware of. 

I hope you can some how get a dream of your mother or some kind of sign to let you know she's alright.  I believe you will when you are ready for it.  I know exactly how you feel.  I lost my Dad first and it took a long time for me to get a sign from him but it did come and I truly believe your sign will come to.  I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and have asked them all if they have ever had some kind of sign from mom and dad.  They all said yes and it was all when they least expected.   And some got it sooner than the others.  And from talking to them, all signs were different, some where dreams, some were in thoughts they'd have, they described it as if mom or dad were talking to them in their thoughts and they knew it was them telling them something, and one of my sisters felt mom alot during Christmas - which was mom's favorite holiday.  So just hang in there and don't give up hope.   I hope that I have been of some help to you.  I didn't mean to write a book.  You can e-mail me anytime you want to talk.  I'd love to help you in any way that I can. lashankie@yahoo.com

[paula7777]

hi all, i lost my mum 2 months ago. today is the one year anniversary of the death of my mums boyfriend and i am really missin my mum. tomorrow the 5 th jan is my sons 12th birthday an mum always did the birthday party i am so sad at the moment. i have made it through xmas an mums bday on dec 23rd. but my sons birthday is going to be so hard she played such a big role in this day all of declans life, i am issing her so much at the moment i do not see how this gets any easier. hope you all made it through christmas ok........ thanks for listening everyone x x x

[thinkingoutloud]

Hi Steph--

No, I don't mind you asking.  She had been failing for a couple of years with the beginning stages of demetia, and her health was failing fast.  She had always been very active and all of a sudden didn't want to go anywhere much or do anything.  Then she had some chest pain and didn't want to go to the doctor.  We finally got her to go because her back was hurting, and they didn't find anything.  Ten days later she asked my dad to sit with her on the loveseat.  They sat and talked for a while, then he went outside to turn off the water and used the bathroom.  When he came back in he asked her if she wanted a pillow, and thought she said yes.  He went to get it, placed it under her head, and she didn't say anything.  He was turning away when he realized she must be gone, she would never allow someone to do something for her without saying thanks. 

I usually went and took care of her on weekends so my dad could attend to some duties in the community, but that week I had not gone since there was a reunion of the people I grew up with in the area.  I wish I had gone!  I hadn't seen her for a week and a half before she passed, but we talked most nights.  Unfortunately, the night before I was ushering at Les Miz and didn't call her, so I regret that, too.

Is is possible your dad is feeding his grief?  I know I was losing weight, but started to gain this fall when this holidays approached and it got sooooo much harder.  I ended up putting on 30 pounds this fall.  Yikes!  Even my fat clothes are tight!

You probably have thought it, but I can assure you your mom is right with you frequently. She is there for those big events, and she will never stop loving you.  She smiles when you smile, and she cries when you cry.  There is no way she will leave you, but it is hard to see through the heavenly veil from this side. She will help you when she can.  I often ask the Lord to give messages to my mom and also my brother (he died 22 years ago), and I even tell them about upcoming events.  It helps.  And I have felt my brother's hand in my life many times, saving myself or those around from serious consequences.

Ann Landers said grief is like a rock you hold in your hand.  With time, you need your hand, so you slip the rock in your pocket.  And with more time, you don't put your hand in the pocket quite so often.  But when you do, the rock is as real and as hard as it was the day you put it in your pocket the first time.

I am determined to help my mother continue to live by talking about her and letting people know how wonderful she was to have around.  And maybe I can be a better person to represent her, too.

My friend said the other day that life is a journey.  It doesn't matter whether you are   at the bottom or the top of the mountain.  You have to take one step at a time and not worry about the other steps.  They will come when we are ready for them!

God bless you!

[gracerose]

Well I thought that making it somehow into the new year and past the holidays that I would start to feel better. Wrong. The past few days have been really hard. When she passed away, I was in a fog of shock. I knew what was going on but my feelings were not truly showing - that's why we go into shock, to protect us because we simply cannot handle so much pain at once. I remember the day after her funeral, May 4th, I went for a long walk by myself. It was then that it really hit me. It felt like a wrecking ball had slammed into my heart and I broke down and cried and cried. The kind of crying where you don't even make a sound, just rivers of tears streaming down your face. That was the hardest day of all for me, until yesterday.

Wham, I felt it all over again. You all know, no words can describe the sadness, the ache, the emptiness you feel when you are in mourning for a beloved. I know the Creator gives us tears to heal our brokenness, to soothe our pain, so I let the tears fall and know they are for a good purpose. It's so hard, nothing in life prepares us for such loss, or how we will feel months, years afterward. Life does indeed carry on and we have to carry on too, whether we want to or not. I know my Mom wanted my sister and I, and our kids, to have happiness in our lives. Sometimes it feels like a losing battle trying to grasp a bit of happiness in the midst of such loneliness, but in time I suppose it will come easier and I'll learn to live with this void...how long it will take to adjust to this, and create a more comfortable life for myself, I have no idea. But I'm here for the long haul as I have no choice, only the choice as to how I will adjust to this new part of my personal journey...the one where my Mom is no longer here in the physical sense.

For all of you that are grieving and mourning, I pray that the Creator will keep you safe and comfort you.

gracerose.

[Guest SigridMaria]

Hello there,

I know how you must be feeling as I too lost my Mother and the pain, and all the memories and all the places around this town and the house and garden, makes it all nearly impossible to go on alone. I often wonder what we, My Mom and I, did to deserve this. Mom was only 68, and did not make her 69th birthday. Mom passed away with anal cancer and it spread through other organs. I look back and wonder how I could have helped her more since I lived here. I can not bare another day without Her. Mom was the only one who really cared for me and loved me like no other. So much she did before the last month where She got really ill and like She had be ran over by a car in front of me. I think there may be hope, just have not found it yet. with big hugs, Max in Woodstock, GA

[severn]

This might be a bit long...

Just found this site, and read some of the stories and experiences from people who've lost their Mum/Moms. I lost my Mum in 2006 and I still can't believe it. I can still remember her voice, for which I'm so grateful for. I can remember her saying 'Hello love' every time she called. She lived away from me, and that's what I miss the most - picking up the phone to hear her say that. We had a hard life, she and I, and I loved, still love, her so much. So very much. I would give anything in the world to talk to her one more time, hug her, hear her laugh. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

She had been sick since I was 7 (I'm 32 now), with all manner of illnesses, but she died unexpectedly of ischemic bowel syndrome - it's a very rare condition, which is difficult to diagnose. When a diagnosis is made it's usually too late - in my mother's case, she was diagnosed on her death bed, but she had likely been suffering with the condition for 6 years. It's when the bowel or intestines die in the body over a period of years. She had a heart problem which restricted the flow of blood into her bowel. She had been admitted to hospital for severe abdominal pain, and died after not waking up from invasive surgery. She'd only just turned 54.

I arrived to see her 50 minutes too late. They'd told me on the phone she wasn't 'expected to survive the night'. That gave me the illusion of time. I thought I'd have time to sit by her bedside, to hold her hands, brush back her hair, tell her things I needed to say.

I remember howling and collapsing by her bed, unable to believe the sight of her, my Mum who had struggled for so long, and survived so much, lying there dead. She didn't even look like her anymore. People said she looked at peace. But she didn't, she just looked dead. Gone. It wasn't her anymore and I felt that - no way to reach her.

That first night was dreadful. My not-yet husband was out of the country, I only had my aunty - whom I hadn't seen for years - for support. She dragged me, less than 2 hours after the death of my mother and her sister, off to her son's house (a cousin I hadn't seen in 15 years) and chatted idly with him and some other person at the house as if we hadn't just been bereaved. I felt I was in hell. When we got to her house, I curled up - finally alone in a small, dark, cold room - stuck on my ipod to shut out the world, and cried and cried for hours.

After that initial bout of grief I numbed off somewhat. It wasn't until my husband arrived in the country that I just let go, and cried in his arms late each night for many nights. I still do sometimes. The ache of her is something always present. Sometimes it's huge, sometimes it's quiet. But it's always there. All the time.

I just read some of her letters (I am fortunate in that I have a lot) from ten years ago. I read them aloud to my husband, so he could get to know her., as he'd never gotten to meet her (I haven't been able to face reading them till now). She was so vital, despite her illnesses, so alive and so funny. In her letters she talks repeatedly of the special bond a mother has with her child, and how much she loves, and is so proud of, me. I feel that love - that unconditional love only a parent can give us - stretching out across time, and over the boundaries of death. Parts of the letters give advice that relate to circumstances today, and my husband says 'you listen to your mother ok?'

I felt compelled to find a place like this, because I was feeling alone in that grief, and I am both so sorry, and glad, to find I am not. For all of you who know this feeling, my thoughts and prayers are with you all. Time doesn't make it 'better', time just teaches us ways to cope, and accomodate that missing, and gap that will never be filled.

Hugs to all

K

[cla1re]

Hello All,

I Have just found this forum and my heartfelt condolences go to everyone who has lost a loved one.

This is the first time i have written this down, but my mum died on the 28th of October last year. It would have been her 59th birthday yesterday. It was very sudden and i still can't quite get my head around what happened.

She had decided to give up smoking about 2 months before she died. She then got what we thought was a cold/flu. She wouldn't go and see a doctor and couldn't stop coughing. Everytime i asked how she was she said that she was feeling better and that she was glad that it felt like her chest was getting better. ( I live about 90 miles away and didn't see her in the 2 months before she died). then suddenly on a Sunday evening i got a call from my brother who has just turned 18 to say she is in an ambulance. I was in the car with the house phone before i finished the call. My husband, daughter and i drove to the hospital, assuming it would be something silly like an asthma attack. We arrived to find my dad being told that the would move her to intensive care soon. Once there the doctor said she had had a huge heart attack and that since she was on the highest doses of adrenaline there wasn't much hope.

I went into the unit and left quite quickly, it wasn't my mum ,she looked so old and just like my nan, who died 16 years ago. We left the hospital to go and tell my brother the horrific news , he didn't want to go to the hospital, i never thought to say that  i would stay at the hospital, i so wish that i had. within 2 hours we got  the  call from the doctor to say she had passed away.  On her own.  I feel so guilty, i know that she was not conscious but  i should have stayed.

From that moment i have busied myself to sorting out paperwork etc for my dad. that has now been organised and insurances paid  etc. I now don't know what to do with myself.

Christmas was a blur, and yesterday was her birthday.

We had her buried local to me, the place where she used to like. Which means my dad visits regularly, which is great, but i find that i am looking out for him and my brother and i  sit on my own and cry rather that in front of anyone else.

My mum and i had a difficult relationship which meant that i didn't speak to my dad much and all news went through my mum, who sometimes chose to not quite tell the whole truth. So having my dad around is really nice.

Anyway i am rambling now.

It feels a lot better actually writing things down. 

All my love

Claire

xx

[Guest LJ]

Hello,

I hope this post? I am ttrying to log in but, it will not let me. Ok now for the sad story. I lost my mom almost 19 years ago. I was 12 when she passed away.

I sat here the other morning and cried until i could not cry anymore. I sat and wondered how I have gone on with life for 19 years without my mom? I sat and thought am I am crazy for going on without the woman who brought me into this world but, yet she left before me? I was suppose to die the day I was born and yet I am still here.

I first experinced death when I was 11 and my aunt passed way then 10 months later my mom passed away, then 8 years after I would loose my dad. In 20 years I have experinced so much loss in my loss and not all due to death that I ask myself " Why"? The most horriable effect that the death of my mom had on me was I am clingy, I am afriad people will leave me. ( which happens alot) I push them away and not realize Ia m doing it. I hurt then before they can hurt but, in the end I hurt myself vecuase now I have noone to talk to. I did someresearch and I have detachment disorder. I actually heard that on a TV show. I was like hold on that sound like me? I did research and sure of I suffer from it. 

BEcuase, I lost my mom at a very young age and also being told that I was never wanted all I ever do is want to be wanted.

The death of my mom had a bigger impact than i thought and i am so upset that she died. I have been told that all ever wanted to do was die. I am just lost becuase I cannot understand how she could of left behind a child who loved her and needed her and still needs her?

[Guest LJ]

I am so sorry for the bad typing

[severn]

Hey LJ, I'm sorry you lost your mother so young. I can really relate to your story, hon.

My Mum, as I mentioned below, had a lot of illnesses. One of those was schizophrenia, so I felt like I started losing the 'real' her at about 7. No, I must correct myself, it wasn't just something I 'felt' - I really did lose her. She changed completely over a slow amount of years. I had no brothers and siblings either, and my Dad wasn't around a lot of the time, and when he was my relationship with him was terrible - violent, abusive. I grew up afraid, untrusting, clingy and making bad relationship choices (until I found my husband).

I also found, at age 29 an amazing book that I think all daugthers who have lost mothers should read: Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. I found this before she died, obviously, with the intent to mainly read the section that looks at mental illness. But, the whole thing was amazing! The parts about relationships, the parts about how I related with other women (which isn't very well), the parts about how I felt about myself, the parts about how to make sense of a world without the mother I knew in it. Of course, now that she has actually passed away, it becomes even more meaningful. I read through the bits on relationships when I was staying over at my friends' house, and bawled my eyes out while they slept on. It was a profound experience.

I really hope, LJ, (and others) that'll you consider finding this book and reading through it. It might bring some comfort and understanding to you too.

[Guest LJ]

Hello,

Thank you so much. I do have a brother but he was 30 something when our mom passed away. The werid thing is Mom was abusive to me I had a very very bad childhood. I thought after she passed away that bad stuff would go away and stop and it did. The weird thing The new feelings I felt and felt everyday are worse than the bruises I use to get everyday from her. Shortly after she died, I prayed and asked that if I did not cry and my mom could beat me everyday could she come back?

That is when I realized she was never coming back. At my age at that time I would of giving anything to have her back. For almost 19 years now I still wonder what would of happened to me if she was alive today? I have a good life now, I am married no kids yet and I am ok.

Maybeher passing was a goodthing but, yet it came at high price. I always think people hate me, I am ugly and all the bad stuff that comes with a low self esteem.

I donot get along with woman my age very well, they have to be older than me, then they become a motherly figure to me.

I just want the pain to go away  

[thinkingoutloud]

I hope this isn't offensive, when I really don't know you, but I think part of what you are mourning is the fact you will never have what any child really deserves, and that is a loving and kind relationship with your mom.  It is never easy, but when a child is abused, they still love, and they really wonder why it is that they are abused.  I deal with abused children regularly, and they love their parents.  Their parents also love them (usually) but just don't have the coping skills to deal with the stresses life offers, and sometimes take it out on their kids.  It is a sad situation, because the children spend their energy trying to fix it, and it is beyond their control.

I have a couple of friends that never did get over the fact that they weren't ever going to be able to make it all right in this life, because their moms had passed on.  They were left with feelings of anger that she had gone, and then guilt because they were angry.  I was lucky enough to have my mom and I make peace over the years, and haven't suffered the same torment they have.  But I see their anguish, and know they truly miss their moms.  In more than one way, in fact.  First, because she is gone, and second, because they no longer have the hope of everything turning out in the appropriate fairy tale.

Just remember, your mom loves you still, and you are blessed to have a chance to love yourself, too.  Give yourself the love and acceptance your mom sometimes withheld.  Picture yourself as a young child and think warm thoughts.  It has been healing for several of my friends.

This has been a hard season after losing my mom this last year.  And we just got my dad out of ICU last Sunday.  I agree with a saying my mom always used, "Old age isn't for sissies."  But I know that we will all be together again someday, and that we only understand a small portion of eternity!  This has gone on for tooo many generations to be an accident!

God be with you and my thoughts and prayers are sent on your behalf.

[thinkingoutloud]

I hope this isn't offensive, when I really don't know you, but I think part of what you are mourning is the fact you will never have what any child really deserves, and that is a loving and kind relationship with your mom.  It is never easy, but when a child is abused, they still love, and they really wonder why it is that they are abused.  I deal with abused children regularly, and they love their parents.  Their parents also love them (usually) but just don't have the coping skills to deal with the stresses life offers, and sometimes take it out on their kids.  It is a sad situation, because the children spend their energy trying to fix it, and it is beyond their control.

I have a couple of friends that never did get over the fact that they weren't ever going to be able to make it all right in this life, because their moms had passed on.  They were left with feelings of anger that she had gone, and then guilt because they were angry.  I was lucky enough to have my mom and I make peace over the years, and haven't suffered the same torment they have.  But I see their anguish, and know they truly miss their moms.  In more than one way, in fact.  First, because she is gone, and second, because they no longer have the hope of everything turning out in the appropriate fairy tale.

Just remember, your mom loves you still, and you are blessed to have a chance to love yourself, too.  Give yourself the love and acceptance your mom sometimes withheld.  Picture yourself as a young child and think warm thoughts.  It has been healing for several of my friends.

This has been a hard season after losing my mom this last year.  And we just got my dad out of ICU last Sunday.  I agree with a saying my mom always used, "Old age isn't for sissies."  But I know that we will all be together again someday, and that we only understand a small portion of eternity!  This has gone on for tooo many generations to be an accident!

God be with you and my thoughts and prayers are sent on your behalf.

[Guest jazzk]

i lost my mom 1 year ago. going on 2 this september. it kinda strikes you really hard when you realize you wont see her again. especially since im only 14 and i have the rest of my life to go. i lost my mom when i was 12 only 12 days before my birthday, nice present huh.  people wonder how im so strong and how they would break and all that, but i honestly dont know either. its hard but i dont really think about it anymore. is it wrong. i mean when i think about it i cry every time. its like growing up without your true bestfriend, the person thats going to be with you through everything. i have my dad and hes like the greatest dad ever but my mom was amazing. and a mom and a dad arent the same for sure. i guess it was coming anyways. my mom had been dealing with depression since she was 14, for 30 years she struggled. i guess it finally did something.

[alysonm]

For some reason I miss her so much today. I hate it when it hits hard like this. It was the first day of classes this semester. I don't want to be in shcool this semester but I don't know what else to do so I'm going to go. THere's this thing that I am so frustrated about and I don;t know what do about it and I just wish she was here to tell me what to do but she isn't. And when I really think about it, I wouldn't be in this situation if she didn't die.

And I'm back living with my roommates after the break and I can't stand one of them, she basically told my other roomate who told me that I needed to get over it that everyone has people who die in their lives. That I basically needed to get over it already. I'm so mad at her. She doesnt get it. It still feels like it was yesterday that she died, even though I know that it's been almost five months, it doesn't seem like it's been that long at all.

I just want to atlk to her. I don't really know what I would say, I just want to hear her voice and smell her perfume. I have a botlle of her perfume but it smells different when she wears it you know? I don't know if I'm going to make it through this semester, I don't know if I even care about making it through the semester. Oh well.

[stephysteph13]

hi... i read your post and i understand. im a senior in high school going to college and let me tell you its so scary without my mom here. she died when i was a junior, it was a year this sept. people tell me all the time i should be over it, but they have no clue. i know it makes us feel worse, and you wish that they would understand but they dont and will never until that day comes for them. those people are jerks because they should just keep their mouth shut. Its a very hard process, i find this year being so much harder than last, because it has sunk in more. there are days when i feel completely bummed out and just want to lay in bed and other days im able to cope.its normal. i was just sitting in the car with my best friend telling her how it really affects me and lately i keep my feels bottled up inside because that just seems like the best thing to do. its to the point now where i feel people dont care so why talk about it. i miss my mom so much and the fact that im graduating without her here is something i dont even want to think about. im going to nursing school, and thats what she always dreamed of me being and now im going to make her proud and where is she, well not here with me. its a terrible thing to loose your mom, but unfortuntely we have to live our whole life without her and it SUCKS. there is no other word to describe it, it sucks. your not alone, you can always always talk to me. i understand completely.

how are u feeling?

Hugs Steph(maybe attach a pic of you and ur mom

[user=18145]alysonm[/user] wrote:

For some reason I miss her so much today. I hate it when it hits hard like this. It was the first day of classes this semester. I don't want to be in shcool this semester but I don't know what else to do so I'm going to go. THere's this thing that I am so frustrated about and I don;t know what do about it and I just wish she was here to tell me what to do but she isn't. And when I really think about it, I wouldn't be in this situation if she didn't die.

And I'm back living with my roommates after the break and I can't stand one of them, she basically told my other roomate who told me that I needed to get over it that everyone has people who die in their lives. That I basically needed to get over it already. I'm so mad at her. She doesnt get it. It still feels like it was yesterday that she died, even though I know that it's been almost five months, it doesn't seem like it's been that long at all.

I just want to atlk to her. I don't really know what I would say, I just want to hear her voice and smell her perfume. I have a botlle of her perfume but it smells different when she wears it you know? I don't know if I'm going to make it through this semester, I don't know if I even care about making it through the semester. Oh well.

[severn]

When someone tells you 'to get over it' it's a sign that they don't have any idea what to say. It's a sign that they feel awkward, and want the issue to go away, so they don't have to deal with it. When that happens it's all about them - their own issue with communication. Unfortunately, to grieving people like us all we hear is criticism and someone shutting down our feelings, when all we really want to hear is 'I'm sorry' and 'I know it's hard' and 'I'm here for you'.

Unless a person has been through this, there's no way for them to know, to really know, how it feels. If any of the people who are saying that are friends, or close to you, I'd recommend, if you can, telling them that it's not ok to say that to you. Because it isn't. Five months is nothing. A year is nothing. Five months in, you're still absorbing the reality. A year into it you're just starting to adjust your life around the loss.

I have those I can't cope days too. Days where I think 'my god, how does the world function without my mother? Why isn't my mother here? How can I go on?'

Those are the days we need the people who say they're so sorry and that they'll be here. I'm very lucky in that I have that in my husband. All he ever says is 'I'm so so sorry she isn't here' and 'I love you' and similar things. It's such comfort, it makes me feel ok to be a collapsed mess.

I hope you two, and others in similar situations, can find people who will give you that love.

~hugs~

[alysonm]

Severn and Steph- Thank you for your replies, they meant a lot.  I know my roommate doesn't get it and that that comment was about her. I think what I really do need is someone to tell me that they are there for me that it's ok for me to feel like collapsing into a ball and crying and I'm not getting that fro anyone right now.

I also think that part of the reason it's so hard right now is because tomorrow the 16th will be the five month anniversary of her death. It just sucks so much. I really just want her to be alive. There's so much yearning inside for my life to go back to the way it was when she was alive. Nothing is the same. That is what I hate the most- that her death changed everything.  And that not only did I lose her, but along with her death I lost so much more, and the more time goes on without her, the more things I come to realize that I've lost. And it hurts.

[chicagogina]

alysonm ... I didn't go back and read very many posts, but I read yours and it sounds SO FAMILIAR to me right now! I lost my own Beloved Mom and Best Friend almost 4 months ago. It will be 4 months on Sunday, and I MISS HER EVERY DAY. Not a day has gone by when I haven't cried because I miss her so very, VERY MUCH. We lived together my entire life. I never married or had children. And now I live in the same house I lived in with her but I am all ALONE and I HATE IT. It TOTALLY SUCKS gutter water! And, just when I think I'm feeling a bit better and starting to mend, I have a day like today when I am just SO LONELY and miss her so SO MUCH. I wonder if I will EVER feel "normal" or like "myself" (whoever that is now) again!

[tfeenlea]

Jazz - oif you're there - I don't knowi f you got to read my post a couple months ago - but I think of you so often.  I wished you lived in New Jersey, USA, I would try to talk to you.  I really do think of you.  I lost my mom suddenly in december 06 and it's nowhere near the tragedy you suffered - although of course it feels most tragic - buy I had 39 years to get to know my mom.  If you are still checking this and get this e-mail, I would love it if you reached out to me.  I would love to know if you got the message I posted to you over a month ago on the site.  My site name is tfeenlea.  My name is Tracy.

[stephysteph13]

life SUCKS so bad without mom. i feel so depressed there are so many things i wish i could talk to her about.. ugh. horrible day

[thinkingoutloud]

I love the picture of you and your mom.  You know she is still right with you, don't you?  You just can't hear her answer you back, but you can still talk to her.  Love is one of those eternal things.  She will never stop loving you, just like you will never stop loving her!  I know my mom lost her mom at the same age you did.  She was just 17, and she said she never got over needing a mom and not having her there, so I know that the pain will always be there.  But keep your mom alive in the way you live.  This is the speech I was giving myself this morning when I woke up missing her.  My mom was so vibrantly alive, she was just fun to be with.  She lived life with gusto, even though she frequently had severe bouts of depression.  I need to live with enthusiasm, too.  It is not always easy!

I still talk to my mom and tell her things.   A lot of times when I had problems with my kids, she was the only one I could trust to talk to.  So I still do.  It is nine months to the day today since I last saw her.  She lived about a hundred miles from my place, and most weekends I would go and see her, but the weekend before she died I didn't, because I had a big reunion to attend.  Now I wish I had skipped the reunion, but we had no way of knowing.

No one can ever replace your mom, but if you need an older ear, I am  here.  I had a friend older than me who helped me a lot when I lived all the way across the country from my folks, before the days of easy access through the internet!  I am sending love and a hug!

Debie

[stephysteph13]

thanks for the reply. it means alot. i feel like no one understands anymore.. like im all alone in the world, even though i have tons of people that care and love me. i have trouble believing that she is watching over me, i know its bad, but im trying its just hard for me to believe. Everything revolves around my mom, im at the age like your mother was where the love between a mom and daughter is strongly needed. i cant imagine the rest of my life without her. it just sucks. there are somedays where im okay or at least im good at pretneding and faking that smile, but other days i feel like im going to break apart. i dont cry alot, i have gotten so much stronger from this, but then i have these breakdowns which luckily dont happen often.

thanks for offering to talk with me. its so good to have support, and this website seems to help alot because there are people going through the same thing. its a terrible thing to wake up everymorning without her. im scared, because the pain is only getting worse. will i ever feel happy again?its like whenever im out i can smile and laugh but im real quiet which isnt like me and i have sadness in me all the time.

how are u dealing with oyur mom's death?

hugs

steph

[user=17654]thinkingoutloud[/user] wrote:

I love the picture of you and your mom.  You know she is still right with you, don't you?  You just can't hear her answer you back, but you can still talk to her.  Love is one of those eternal things.  She will never stop loving you, just like you will never stop loving her!  I know my mom lost her mom at the same age you did.  She was just 17, and she said she never got over needing a mom and not having her there, so I know that the pain will always be there.  But keep your mom alive in the way you live.  This is the speech I was giving myself this morning when I woke up missing her.  My mom was so vibrantly alive, she was just fun to be with.  She lived life with gusto, even though she frequently had severe bouts of depression.  I need to live with enthusiasm, too.  It is not always easy!

I still talk to my mom and tell her things.   A lot of times when I had problems with my kids, she was the only one I could trust to talk to.  So I still do.  It is nine months to the day today since I last saw her.  She lived about a hundred miles from my place, and most weekends I would go and see her, but the weekend before she died I didn't, because I had a big reunion to attend.  Now I wish I had skipped the reunion, but we had no way of knowing.

No one can ever replace your mom, but if you need an older ear, I am  here.  I had a friend older than me who helped me a lot when I lived all the way across the country from my folks, before the days of easy access through the internet!  I am sending love and a hug!

Debie

[thinkingoutloud]

You ask a very profound question, will I ever be happy again?  The answer is yes, but it will be a deeper happiness, one that understands that to be happy is not a right, but a choice, and sometimes a very difficult choice.  That loss has meaning, and so does joy.  And a happiness that tells you the separation from your mom (and any other loved ones) is not forever.

I used to attend a religion class where the instructor talked about the depths of despair.  He used the analogy of a ball under pressure in the water, and how the deeper it goes, the higher it flies when you finally  release it.  He believed our capacity for joy was linked to our capacity for suffering.  When you grow older and have your own family, because you understand how precious they are from this loss, you will be a fantastic mother.  Your capacity for love will be greater than many of those around you, because you will understand more.  Does that make sense?

I know it doesn't make it any easier now, though.  The pain is real and is daily.  You need to mother yourself right now, since your mom isn't there to do it.  If you saw a litltle child suffering as you do right now, what would you do to help her?  Do that for yourself. 

As to myself, it was a hard weekend.  I went to visit my dad, and while there two of my sons got into a fight over who owns a stupid TV stand, and one threatened to call the police (since it is his and he wanted it back this very instant), and I had forgotten to turn my phone back on after church, so they couldn't get ahold of me to see whose stand it really was.  And of course, being the older, he thought it was his right to boss his brother around and it had to be done immediately.  He couldn't wait until I got back or until tempers had settled down.  And of course, no one bothered to call my dad's house instead of trying the cell.  The stand was being used in my 17 year old's room, and he thought I had bought it.  What a mess.  It finally all worked out, but it was a disaster in the meantime.  So today they are fine, but I am still reeling.  Funny how they can't appreciate what they have.

When I walked into my dad's house, I just wanted so much to call upstairs to my mom that I was home.  I miss her so much.  And she would have been the person I called last night when I was having problems.  I wish she were here daily, but I know she was ready to go.  I still cry, like now, when I think how much I need her still.  Her calm voice telling me that love is the answer.

The only way I manage is to stay really, really busy.  But that seems to work pretty well for me.

Take care, and give yourself some extra love, even if it is just a bubble bath or a good book!

Debie

[alysonm]

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