Loss of a Mother

[firetrucksrule]

i lost my mother over a year ago, she was only 49 years old, and am still missing her everyday. i never want to let go. there was so much left undone. i want to cry all the time. i feel like i want to crul up into a ball and stay that way forever locked in a room. i feel the is a hole in the shape of my mom in my heart. sometimes i cant bare the pain. the pain never stops. day by day i try and try and try but it keeps getting worse. i have cried my pain out but it keeps comeing back. sometimes i wish i could have died with her. when i look around and know shes never going to be there again i cant deal. i wish i could pick up the phone and call her. i wish she was still here. i want to hang out with her. i want to hear her voice. why oh why so many things i want but what about her, i want to know how her spirit is doing. i dont know how much longer i can take this pain before i shut down inside and never talk again. i really dont know. so i know i guess kinda what your dealing with. if you ever need to talk just send me a message.

[Guest clouds]

hello--i am new to this site, but have been reading lately.  i'm sorry to hear about everyones losses.  this past saturday was seven months since my mom died.  it was really hard.  i still think of her all the time.  everyone keeps saying that we have to move on but i can barely think about moving on.  thanks all for such a great place.

amy

[firetrucksrule]

people tell you that and it drives me nutts, **** people expected me to move on after a week. screw that. its been over a year now and i havent moved on, yes i let go a little of the pain but never will i move on, you shouldnt either. yes let go of the pain but never let go of her or move on from her at all. the pain is alot better that way, now i do say years from now let go more but still remember her everything. then the pain might be less but never gone no matter what. the only way to get over the pain is to get hypnotised and make them get you to forget her. dont listen to people, specialy ones who havent lost anyone or lost a parent at all.

[timesremembered]

I hate when people say "you'll move on" or "life goes on". It's like really? You can't completely understand unless you've been there. I also hate when people avoid you all together, I mean I'm technically the same person. I wish people just treated me like they used too. Rant.

Gosh, I miss my mom so much. Some days are good. I'm actually smiling and laughing and trying to live..but a heart wrenching pain will just come over me and I just want to sit and cry. It might sound strange but when I am worshipping at church I can feel her like really feel her in my heart and it is soo comforting. I feel like she is with me,beside me. It's hard to explain.

[solemate]

Today was my Dad's birthday - My Mum and he would have celebrated quietly with a cake, candles and good wishes.  I get overwhelmed some times with their loss and today is no exception. Time has drifted on and yet I still to this day remember everything about the tragic circumstances of the day that they both died.  My mind seems stuck on being in the hospital with my mum, holding her hand and watching her die as her life support system was turned off. As Dad had already died some few hours earlier, people tell me that he was called her to join him.  I just dont know what to believe these days.  Are they both at peace? Can I speak with them through spirit worlds? Do they listen to my prayers? So many questions unanswered it drives me crazy.  I need a focus and resolution - maybe that is why I feel so confused about my grief.  Slow steps - little steps I need to get my life back. Mum I miss you so much.  take care everyone - gayle

[perfectfan]

No it's not dumb, after all she was your mother! She stopped appearing in my dreams and how i wish she'd appear right now and tell me well at least updates me on where is she right now, perhaps she's reborn in a higher relam, perhaps she's in a good place.  Everyone says so, that she is liberated, which is true anyway.

But damn, i hate to use the past tense whenever i speak of my own mother but a present tense ain't gonna do justice either because it is a fact that she has passed away.  Everything just feels so surreal you know.  She was my best mother, my soulmate, my best advisor and my wonderful sister - she was everything to me.  i really cannot imagine my adulthood without her advice and guidance.  I still have my dad and im really grateful for that, but it's still different.. we dont talk the mother-daughter stuff, but i can see he's trying very hard with his dual roles - mother and father.  I just dread every single thing i do now, especially school (expect swimming, tennis and badminton haha, i find myself being able to forget, momentarily about her loss and everything).  Whenever i rant and complain about how sucky life gets for me, dad is always so understand which in turn makes me feel so guilty about lamenting this and that and not doing well.  The stress in life is really getting to me, it sucks sucks sucks but i'm trying to be positive.

The worse part is that people try to keep you company and comfort you when you needed to be left alone, yet as days and weeks and months go by, they think by default you should have gotten over the loss by now and leave you alone.  It's the worse feeling ever.

[lifes1k]

I have been reading everyone's thoughts on "getting over it" and as someone who has lost  my father in 1993 you never "get over it", he was 39 when he passed and I have never forgotten him nor will I ever and sometimes the pain is still very strong. It is easier to talk to my children about the good times.  With my mother I was so much closer so it is sooo much harder (which makes me feel guilty). It's been 9 weeks (I wish I could stop counting) and it's still very hard to think about the good times. But time does make it a little easier, it is hard to see and accept that since these wounds are so new. Have faith one day it will be a bit easier to smile again! 

[butterfly13]

lifes1k- I lost my mom 7wks ago and my father 7yrs ago.I'm also having a much harder time with the loss of my mom,maybe because when my father died,at least my mom was their to comfort me,and I realized how fragile life can be,I became super close to my mom,but now that she's gone too theirs no one to turn to.It's the loneliest feeling to not have any parents.I know that nobody will love me as much as they did.

[lifes1k]

butterfly13,

Yes "lonely" is exactly the feeling I can not shake... Even though I have my sister and friends and other family it will never be the same.

[danafd]

I read everyone's stories and it breaks my heart.  Who would have known there was so much loss and heartache in our lives.  I jut want to know she is ok.  I want to know she is happy and I want her to know how much I love her.  I hope she does.  The lonely feeling is what I can't get past.  I talk to my dad and I try to make him laugh and let him know how much I love him but I can't even begin to imagine his pain and how lonely he is.  He is 60 and my mom is 57 and they have been together for 37 years and now she is just gone.  My heart hurts so much.  For him , for me, for my kids, my sister and my brother....it is just never ending.  I still wish she would talk to me or maybe talk to Dad.  Maybe he would feel better, less sad and less lonely.  Just one more time for him to hear her voice.  The cancer took that from us and I wll be angry for a long time.  I have tried to talk to God about this and get some answers.  Not getting any and it keeps me from the church I love. I know that sounds ridiculous but I can't help it.  I know I will get past it but right now I just can't.  I love that everyone says it gets easier but somehoe that doesn't make me feel better.  I just cannot imagine my life without my precious momma and I cannot imagine my precious daddy not having her to wake up with everyday and fall asleep with every night.  I went back to work this week after being one for two weeks and all my clients keep telling my how sorry they are and how bad they hate it for me.  All I can think is I regret and hate it too.  Not very becoming of me, huh?  I just thank you all for giving me the opportunity to vent and feel accepted and understood.   It has been two weeks since mom died and yet to me it seems like yesterday.    

[butterfly13]

danafd-I feel the same exact way you do.I unexpectantly had to put my 5 yr.old cat to sleep tonight(my baby).Ever since my mom died I cried every night holding this cat in my arms,now he's gone too!I can't believe it.I know if my mom was really watching over me,she wouldn't let this happen,she knew how much I loved him,she would always say"If anything ever happens to that cat,I hope I'm not around".Who knew 7wks after she died that my cat would also die.I'm so sick of death.Last night when my cat got sick,I automatically went to the phone to call my mom for advise and than it hit me hard-no more advice from her,ever again!!Like I said before,if she was really watching over me(like everyone keeps telling me)she wouldn't have let my cat die tonight,she wouldn't want to see me go through more sadness.I'm really starting to doubt the idea of a heaven existing-and that scares me.I'm tired ,sad,lonely and heartbroken.I just don't want to face life anymore,I can't take any more sadness!!!!

[redrivergrl]

I lost my Dad 2 1/2 years ago and my older sister last August and now my Mom is dying.  It has been a long 6 years of caring for them, shopping for them, getting them to appointments.  You are so invested in their lives and well-being that you can't concentrate on anyone else.  I'm still grieving for my Dad and Sis and many time when I wake up in the morning just for a few minutes I will forget they are gone.  Your friends quit calling you or making plans with you becuase many time you have to cancel at the last minute.  Sleep is the only time I feel no pain.  I'm trying to work through it but it's tough.

[butterfly13]

redrivergrl- I'm so sorry for all of your losses,sometimes it seems like the bad things never stop happening,I don't understand why?Sometimes I think-dying is easy,it's living that is hard.All I want to do is sleep,to escape from everything,waking up and facing another day is the hardest part!

[redrivergrl]

I feel the very same way.  Sleep is the only relief.  I have two kids though and they are older but I think they think what has happened to our Mom?  I used to work out in the yard and keep the house all together and now I just don't care.  I don't want to feel this way, I just don't know how to stop.

[butterfly13]

redrivergrl-  I too don't care anymore,I have had a rough couple of months,and I realized ,whats the point?Whats going to happen is going to happen,I feel like I have no control over anything any more.It's a terrible feeling and I don't know how to stop the feeling of just giving up.Life is so unpredictable,you never know what's coming next(for me it always seems to get worst).Last year at this time,my life was so different-not great,but better.I miss my old life,I miss the person I used to be.I'm just tired of sadness.I feel like their is a dark cloud over my head,and it's not going away.

[redrivergrl]

do you have anyone to talk to about your feelings besides this post?  I think the hard thing for me if I've been this way so long and people think "ok now it's time to move on" and you want to but it's just hard.  You can't explain how you feel and what you are going through unless the person you are confiding in has been through something simular.  There are some good books out there on grief and I'm reading one now.

[butterfly13]

redrivergrl-  I do have my brother to talk to,he's the closest to understanding how I feel, we are both very down on life right now(he's very angry,and I just feel defeated)I started seeing a grief counceler this week-too soon to have made any progress.I have been reading alot of books on near death experiences,my biggest problem is being convinced that their is an after-life.I want to know where all my loved ones are now.I have lost alot of family members lately(people and pets alike)all relatively young.How can they be here one minute and gone for good the next?I know I have alot of issues to work through.I'm really trying,but it's so hard!

[Guest cloudsaj]

sorry to hear your having such a hard time.  I too have days where i am really down.  i lost my mom seven months ago.    you had mentioned you have read some books on grief, if you wouldn't mind could you share which ones you have read or are reading now.  thanks.

[butterfly13]

cloudsaj- Thank you,I know grief takes time to heal,it's just that it's been one loss after another-I can't take much more!The books I have read are-Closer To The Light by Melvin Morse M.D.this was very good,all about childrens near death experiences,the other 2 are-The Light Beyond and Life After Life,both by Raymond Moody M.D.both about adult near death experiences.While I'm reading these I have some hope that my loved ones are in another dimension,somewhere better than here.What I have found interesting is that the kids and adults have all had very similar experiences,but none are exactly the same.

 

 

 

 

[mydoot]

Hugs to all of you here.  In a few more days it will be 2 months since my Mom died.  I still cry every day.  I still pray that she knows how sorry I am and how much I love her even though I fought with her all of the time about her being sick.  I hate the doctors for not listening to her for the last few years.  I hate myself for not believing her that she was sick.  I hate how I treated her and acted when she said she didn't feel well.  I hate that I will never be able to make it up to her... 

She was only 55 and we never knew she was sick...  She always said she didn't feel well and slept all of the time and we said she was being lazy or it was depression and she just needed to try harder to get up and do something...  The doctors thought it was all mental...  The last hospital stay they were going to discharge her to a nursing home or a psychiatric floor of the hospital because she was sleeping so much...  Well, slap in the face, she stopped breathing.  They revived her and thought maybe she had a seizure.  Then they thought she was fine again and 3.5 days later she was dead...  I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like it is my fault that she is gone.  I feel like if I had stayed that night at the hospital I could have made them do something for her...  They gave her an anti-anxiety medicine because she was gasping for air!!!  What the Hell!  I get to the hospital and her heart monitor is all over the place.  The nurse said it just wasn't attached right...  10 minutes later she was pronounced dead. 

I want to punch someone, I want to scream at the top of my lungs.  I want to ask God why my Mom had seen literally been to at least 10 different doctors and been in 4 hospitals and why they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her...  She was at the doctor at least once a week and in the hospital a few months a year....  And now after her death, the cause of death is unknown...  God, it is so unfair.  None of us believed she was sick because the stupid doctors wouldn't diagnose anything as being wrong except that she had depression...  Well, now we know she had depression because she was sick and no on believed her...  She COULDN'T do anything and we all kept telling her that she DIDN'T WANT to do anything which was the furthest from the truth.  This is so unfair...  She was my angel and I treated her bad and I never got to say I was sorry...  She was the best woman in the world and I caused her the most pain...  I told her she didn't want to see my children because she wouldn't come over more than once a week...  Now I know she just couldn't.  She had always been my best friend and I abandoned her when she needed me most.  I will suffer for this the rest of my life.  I pray I will get to hold her again in Heaven.

Does anyone know of any support for this in Illinois?  I am desperate...

[lifes1k]

butterfly13, I am glad your seeking additional input, although venting helps, sometimes we need more... I can feel your pain as I read your post... Hang in there....

redrivergrl, I don't think we ever "move on" the same as we did before such an extreme loss. I would suggest some sort of group it's never to late....

mydoot, I am still very angry as well and the guilt is huge... I could not even imagine what your going through... I pray you find the support you need!

[butterfly13]

mydoot-your story and feelings are so similar to mine.My 59 yr.old mom died 8wks.ago this Sat.she couldn't work anymore,she always said"I just don't feel good".She was in the hosp.last year at this time,but they couldn't find anything wrong.When she was released,she would no longer leave the house saying she didn't feel good.We had many arguments over this,I kept telling her she was depressed because she wasn't getting out of the house enough.She kept saying-I'm sick,nobody beleives me".My brother and all of her friends would tell her she's just depressed.She went to a few Dr.s when she was first released from the hosp.last year,and then gave up.She continued to say"I just don't feel good".My brother found her one night,cofused,screaming in pain.She was admitted to the hosp.and died early the next morning,we are still not sure from what.I pray every day that she can forgive me for not believing her.I do scream,and yell and cry,I miss her and loved her more than anything in this world.It hurts me to know that all that time,she really WAS sick.I live in N.J.and I just started going for counceling,it's for anyone,it's through Hospice and it's free.Maybe they have it where you are.(In Sept.they start group therapy,and take you through the holidays).I might try that too.Good luck

[mydoot]

Butterfly13, yes it sounds so similar...  It's so wrong.  My Mom died eight weeks ago Saturday as well.  She passed away on June 7...

My Mom had been telling everyone she was sick and no one believed her or could find what was wrong.  She had had a lot of confusion that last couple of years and I would get mad at her thinking she was taking too much medication...  From what I have read, sometimes heart problems can cause a lot of the symptoms she had...  i don't know what to do or how to make it up to her.  I feel like my world is gone...  As I imagine you do, too. 

Thank you for the advice on hospice.  My Mom hadn't been up to doing things.  She just wanted to stay in bed all day and sleep whenver she could.  She wasn't able to work.  She couldn't shop, etc.  God, you are probably the only person that can really understand how I feel...  Well, anyone who had the same experience as us anyways.

My Mom wanted to come home so bad this last time.  She kept saying that she thought she was feeling better...  I would call and talk for a couple of minutes while I was working, but whenever she was doing okay I would just tell her I would talk to her later...  i never got to say goodbye or that I was sorry...  I don't know how people live on when things like this happen.  My Mom was an angel as I'm sure yours was.  No one should have that pain before they die...

Hugs to you and hugs to all...  may our parents be watching over us and help us find something to grasp onto fpr comfort.

[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

mydoot-your story and feelings are so similar to mine.My 59 yr.old mom died 8wks.ago this Sat.she couldn't work anymore,she always said"I just don't feel good".She was in the hosp.last year at this time,but they couldn't find anything wrong.When she was released,she would no longer leave the house saying she didn't feel good.We had many arguments over this,I kept telling her she was depressed because she wasn't getting out of the house enough.She kept saying-I'm sick,nobody beleives me".My brother and all of her friends would tell her she's just depressed.She went to a few Dr.s when she was first released from the hosp.last year,and then gave up.She continued to say"I just don't feel good".My brother found her one night,cofused,screaming in pain.She was admitted to the hosp.and died early the next morning,we are still not sure from what.I pray every day that she can forgive me for not believing her.I do scream,and yell and cry,I miss her and loved her more than anything in this world.It hurts me to know that all that time,she really WAS sick.I live in N.J.and I just started going for counceling,it's for anyone,it's through Hospice and it's free.Maybe they have it where you are.(In Sept.they start group therapy,and take you through the holidays).I might try that too.Good luck

[butterfly13]

mydoot-Yes,my mom died on june 7 also.My mom would also stay in bed all day.I would beg her to come out shopping with me,out to dinner or even just a ride but she wouldn't and I would get mad,and tell her I miss doing things with her,she would say she misses doing things with me but she just can't.I would tell her I was tired of her saying she didn't feel good,that she just didn't feel like dealing with life-how sorry I am,I never knew she was so sick.It breaks my heart and makes me so sad.I was on the phone with her all the time,but if I stopped by to see her it would make me mad and sad to see her lying in bed(I thought,she's too young for this).Yes,my mom was also an angel,I feel like we let her down in the worst way.If I had known what was wrong with her,I would have done anything to help her.I will forever feel guilty for not believing her and I miss her in the worst way.I do think that your mom and mine are somewhere free from that sick feeling they had for so long.They probably think that we are being silly for feeling guilty in any way.Even when my mom was rushed to the ER,I never thought she was going to die,I was just hoping that they would finally figure out why she always felt sick,treat her and then let her come home(the joke was on me)I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

[mydoot]

Butterfly, God, I know exactly how you are feeling...  Except I probably wasn't as nice.  I talked to my Mom everyday on the phone, but I almost always fought with her when I was on the phone.  I wrote her a letter in February and gave it to her.  i had said that it felt like she was already dead and just rotting there.  I kept telling her if she didn't do something her body was just going to give out.  I missed her so much and I was trying the tough love approach to try to drag her out of bed.  I missed our days of hanging out and spending the day doing nothing...  I wanted her to be here to see my children grow up.

Maybe our Moms had us meet up?!  I know it sounds crazy.  At this point I am grasping at any straw I can that she is still around me.  The funny thing is after she died, I said any time I see a butterfly it will remind me of her.  She loved butterflies and when I was growing up she had these butterfly shadow boxes.  So, butterflies remind me of her.  How fitting that your handle is also butterfly.

God bless and may your pain someday be less.  I know our Moms would not want us to feel guilty, but I will until I see her face again and I can tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am.

[firetrucksrule]

i understand what you are going threw kinda. i lost my mother a year ago and even tho my dad is still alive, the way he has turned out know and not long after my moms death its like he died with her. so it feels like i have no parents and no family really since my sisters live so far away.

[butterfly13]

mydoot- I wasn't always so nice either,I would tell her to at least try to go for a small walk(to the corner and back)every day to build up her strenght-but she didn't.I would tell her that the patients I work with who are 80 and 90yrs.old are in better shape than her.I would ask her"What happened to my pretty,energetic mom?"Why are you just wasting your life away?"Now my heart breks to think of it.Our moms probably did have something to do with our interaction-the stories are way too similar.My mom loved butterflies too,after she died,whenever I see one,I think "Is that my mom coming to visit me?"That's why I chose this screen name.

[mydoot]

Butterfly, I think the same thing about the butterflies.  The night she died I when I closed my eyes to go to sleep, I kept seeing what looked like a white butterfly wing waving.  It was very strange.  I still can't comprehend that Mom is gone.  Everyday I still go to pick up the phone to call her.  Or when I call my Dad I expect my Mom to answer...  I miss her voice.  I have a voicemail saved on my answering machine.  I played it last night and it made my cry.  Her voice sounded so good.

I understand the feeling alone.  I have my family here, but I still feel alone.  My beautiful, wonderful Mom (and yours) will be forever young and their pain is gone.  It doesn't help you or I, but at least they are free from the pain.

Hugs to all.

[lgoldenm]

Just lost Mom last week and can relate to some of what is being said here...I know Mom was stubborn and I told her she acted like a mule when she refused to go to therapy, but maybe she was just too tired to deal with it. I just was trying to get her to be more active; however, she didn't really want to have anything to do with getting better, just wanted to rest. Some of it may have been depression, but some of it may also have been due to having zero energy.  When you are really sick, you don't feel like doing anything at all, just lying around.

[butterfly13]

mydoot- When you saw the white butterfly wing waving,I bet it was your moms way of sayng goodbye-how beautiful.Last week my neighbor stopped me to ask how my mom was doing,out of nowhere a beautiful butterfly started circling above us,I couldn't take my eyes off of it,I wanted to shout"Mom,is that you?your beautiful and free!"I wish I had saved some voice messages from my mom,I'm so afraid I will forget her voice,yet it's in my head constantly.She used to call me first thing in the morning when I got to work,I still find myself expecting that phone call.Every day is so hard,I can be surrounded by a group of people,but still feel so lonely-it's the worst feeling.I often wonder if thats how she felt,in her bed,not feeling good-feeling all alone,her days must have been so long and lonely-It makes me so sad.You're right,our beautiful moms are free from pain and the loneliness they must have been feeling.

[mydoot]

Butterfly, yes, I know how lonely my Mom was now.  She always said she felt alone, but none of us realized she couldn't get out of bed.  We thought she wanted to be there.  I almost never went over there.  It was easier for me to have her come to my house because I didn't want to drag the kids out and deal with them there.  My house was childproof and their toys were all here, so I never went there.  My Mom had bought a house full of toys for her house, had a nursery setup, a highchair, etc.  And while my Mom was a live, I think the kids went there maybe 10 times or so...  I hate it because after Mom died I found a whole bunch of toys she said she had bought them for Christmas, but I kept saying she was wrong because I never saw them.  She had apparently forgotten that she had kept them at her house.  There were so many toys she had bought that i had never seen before.  Mom never got to see them play with the toys or have the kids spend the night at her house...  My whole adult life my Mom was asking for grandkids and she got them, but never got to enjoy them...

I read in a book and in a few places that sometimes are passed loved ones appear to us as birds to tell their loved ones left behind that they are free now.  For my Mom, I think she is butterflies.

[mydoot]

Butterfly,

I forgot to mention, yes I am also afraid I will forget my Mom's voice or even her face sometimes.  I am thankful that I had two messages on my answering machine still left from her.  The first one is upbeat and sounds good.  The second one was probably after one of our fights.  She sounds really sad and drained.  That one kills me to listen to.  I miss her so much.

[butterfly13]

mydoot-8wks ago today,our lives changed forever.I didn't go to my moms house often either,mostly because it hurt me to see her just staying in her bedroom,not doing anything,it would make me mad,I really didn't know how sick she must have really been.You are very lucky your mom got to see your children.For the last 2yrs. I was going for fertility treatments to have a baby.My mom was beyond excited.It never worked.She told me when I started trying,she couldn't help buy a few baby things,when she died my brother told me that the spare bedroom was filled with baby things.It broke my heart-the last few weeks of her life,she knew she was never going to have grandchildren.Since she died I decided to stop fertility treatments,it would be too painful,especially if it worked now.I had a 5yr.old cat that was my baby,I cried so many tears with this cat,2 days ago he very unexpectantly had to be put to sleep.A few days before my mom died she said"I hope nothing ever happens to that cat,I know how much you love him."They say everything happens for a reason,but I don't know anymore.

[sheela]

my mom passed last year in june her b day is august 3rd tomorrow - i hurt so much - the last time i ever saw her was when they took her out of here in a death gourney she passed at home as she wanted - they covered her up with a thick deep blue blanket - and that was it - the state insurance medicare etc didnt pay for more that to pick her up and bury her - no viewing ever again etc - i wish that there had been a viewing so badly -  a way to say good bye one last time -  but there wasnt one at all - i didnt have extra $ for it and the state doesnt pay for that - i live on disability bc of crippling arthritus in my knees and feet - i am home bound most of the time - 

i am so young to be in this position i am only 34 but my body feels like 70 -

anyhow i miss her so much - when she took her last breath i was in the process of changing her shirt - so she was naked as she passed just from the chest up but still

it makes me feel so badly bc she was very modest -   as i was changing her she was taking her last breath's 3 of them -- and i froze unable to move or do anything at all but stand there in silence - i didnt want to disturb her or the process she was going thru - i didnt want to frighten her and scream mommy ! even in my heart i was screaming mommy !!

i woke up yesterday and today and had to cry - thank God for my  boyfriend who lives with me i just recently in june met him and he moved in a few weeks ago - his situation with his older male room mates was not working out at all - it was on the verge of a fight - not him he's mild mannered but them -- they were on the verge of telling him to leave or fighting around with him -- he would never fight any 1 ever - hes very gentle and mild -  but the room mates worked long hours and he couldnt talk on his phone unless he went like a little child and sat in the closet, because he shared his room with another guy that was very hard to get along with at all -- it was just ridiculous - and when he went and sat in his closet to talk it upset the other men bc they were jealous of him then even more - bc he had a girl friend and they didnt have 1 at all - they just worked and went home every single day etc -

it was unbearable for him and for me to bc i cared for him so much - they would argue with him for no reason at all etc they wanted him out of there - those other men acted like 70 yr old's (work and then bed, work and then bed)  -- he acted like a normal young man his age he is 38 i am 34

and he wanted to talk to me on the phone like normal people but that enraged them also-  i guess there were just too many men in that place - 6 men in a 2 bed room apt - none of them had great paying jobs so it was the best that they could do

but still not a good living situation at all - plus when ever he went to the fridge the main guy there had a fit - he acted like a real nut - well i think he was - he was so afraid of my little skinny guy finding a egg or a piece of bread to eat etc -

my guy  when he came here was so malnurished from living there with those guys - he couldnt afford to bring home food bc they would eat it all - and there wasnt a  decent place to eat near him - so he went hungrey a lot -  when he got here he was so low on potassium - he sweated constantly  and felt sickly and his heart would beat all the time so hard out of his cheat - i gave him some of my potassium pills over the counter and hes improved a ton - hes not sweating like that anymore at all and his heart beat is normal now --  when i would lay my head on cheat i could hear his beating so hard and now its normal -- he doesnt have any insurance at the moment and is starting a new job on monday but when he works there for a bit he can go to a dr and get checked out - i know thats what every 1 will say to do and i agree but on limited $$ its very hard to go to a dr right this second -- but he is improving and is also taking mens vitamins as well --

 

anyways i am sorry for rambling but just needed to vent for a bit  - he sleeps in my moms room and i sleep in mine- but in the night before we go to sleep and in the early morning i go over there and lay with him for a bit and cry on his shoulder if i need to -- and he understands thank God he is very kind and understanding --

i thank God every day that i found such a genuine & sweet & kind & loving man -

i met him moco space - my girlfriend met hers there too LOL and is married now ! so fast she met her guy 2 months ago and married him already -

i want to get married to but bc of my disability check i cant - i would lose out big time and my guy has a injured back from a very serious car accident a few years ago so its not like hes wealthy and can take care of me - i would never expect that at all -

so its very hard - i want to do things right in the eyes of God but how ? there is simply no way to be married and still get my disability check - and please dont think i am worthless or lazy - i have had a few rude people say that to me on another site

i have crippling arthritus and cant walk far at all and have to come home and sit - i hate it so much - i just feel so worthless & old - my body in my feet & knees feels like a 70 yr old person

 

[mydoot]

Butterfly, I feel your pain.  I am sorry that your Mom never got to meet your children.  My Mom barely got to meet mine.  Mine are very young and I am so sad that they won't remember her and how much she spoiled them.  I undestand about finding the room of things she had planning for your children.  I found things my Mom had gotten for my kids that I never saw while she was alive and all of the grandmother brag books she had planned on starting.  I also went through some fertility issues, but I was lucjky enough to conceive after a while.  Your Mom wouldn't want you to stop trying.  I read somewhere (if you believe in this) that sometimes people are reborn into the same family timeline.  Meaning if a Mom passes away she could be reborn as her child's child.  I don't know what to believe any more.  I just miss my Mom so much...  I pray she knows how sorry I am.

I am SO sorry to hear about your cat as well.  That didn't help your situation.  At least your Mom has your cat now at her side in Heaven.  My Mom has many of her dogs...

Mom, I love you!  8 weeks is too long to go without seeing you!  I miss hugging you and telling you I love you.  8 weeks today my world fell apart.  I will never be the same.

[timesremembered]

It's only been a month, it might as well had happen yesterday. The fact that I'll never see her again, hasn't offically set in. I still feel her though. I'm getting a lot more depressed with college around the corner. I went dorm shopping with my grandmother, who I've never been close to, made me miss her a 100 times more. I hate it. My emotions go from a 10 to a 1 with a blink of an eye, I just hate it and they are constantly changing.

[perfectfan]

Dear sheela,

im so sorry to hear about how you witnessed her death while helping her change clothes, but please understand things in life are unpredictable.  im sure your mother understands that you didn't want to happen either.  you didnt manage to bade goodbye to her for the last time but at least you were helping her with her "chores" by changing clothes when she breathe last, she must be proud to have a daughter like you.

having someone to talk to is certainly good   and im happy to hear your boyfriend has been supportive of you all these while.  the issues pertaining his room mates is just something inevitable, part of the conflicts we gotta deal in life.  which is why i dont like room mates haha :X

and nah you are still youthful i am sure!  it doesn't matter how old you are, as long as you maintain that innocence and vibrance in your heart, you always will be the age you think you are!

BE POSITIVE

~

Dear timesremembered,

it'll take quite some time before the fact of your mom's death "officially set in", but time doesn't really heal the wound, it perhaps just numb it.  and you will realise at different time intervals, you are experiencing different stages of grief.

my mum was my shopping partner, the one who understands my taste and style.  it was indeed a horrible blow when i realised she'll no longer be around to go shopping with me and even if i go with my friends, i can't subdue this feeling inside me that yearns and pins for my mum.  so i could relate to you in that sense.

most of the times i prefer shopping alone, somehow i feel that mum's beside me. and when im confused as to which colours to pick, i prayed to mum and i somehow i always listen to what my heart has to say.  im sorry if it sounds insane and crazy to you but that's my method of communicating with mum.

cheers!

[butterfly13]

mydoot- Thank you for your kind words,maybe in the future I will re-consider,and try more fertility treatments,I'm just so tired right now-emotionally drained.Every day is a new struggle with my feelings,I wish I could have my old life back.I wish I could have one more conversation with my mom!I know I have a long road ahead of me,I can't help but think of the holidays that will be here in a few months.The last few,my mom wasn't feeling well(I thought she was depressed)but not having her here is going to be so depressing for me.8wks without our moms,and so many more to go!I hope the pain eases some for both of us-I don't know if time will make it better or worst(can it feel any worst?I don't think so.)

[perfectfan]

The inital first few months is gonna be damn painful for you.  I'm sorry to break this but it's true, it doesn't really get easier as time goes by.  Maybe you will just be numbed, that's all but your memories and the absence of your mum will linger constantly.  I believe it's something that you'll carry till your own graveyard.

 

[butterfly13]

perfectfan, I was afraid of that!Their is no way to escape grieving pain.It's hard to be around people at work who are so happy-everything in their life is just right,or worse,when they start complaining about stupid,trivial things,I just want to scream"My mother is dead!Now that's a problem!"

[perfectfan]

same here.  whenever they complain about mothers being naggy and troublesome, inside me i'll go "ah screw you, i've lost a mum and im not even complaning.  what are you complaining".  of course i cannot say it out loud, but fret not dear... we are much more sensible and matured than them thanks to this experience (:

i just dont understand why people complain and rant about life when they dont realise they are forgetting to cherish the people around them.  and oh well, i hate cliches so i wont and i never will bother telling them "hey, cherish your parents while you still have them".

[Guest becky10143]

butterfly:

i have been reading your posts and it breaks my heart. i just lost my mom about 3 weeks ago - she was 52 and i'm 25. she had cancer in her lung, chest and throat. it took over her whole body. she went into the hospital because she felt really weak and never in a million years did i think she would never make it out. i watched her slowly deteriorate right before my eyes until my brother and i had to decide to take her off of the ventilator. that wasn't her anymore. she wouldn't have wanted to live like that. we sat for 2 weeks in the hospital with her waiting for the doctors to find answers as to what specific type of cancer she had only to have them tell us day after day that it was rare and they couldn't pin point it. she never was able to have chemo because they couldn't get specifics. it makes me so mad that she went from being that healthy person i called everyday, at least twice a day, to thinking every night before bed just how much i miss talking to her. calling her about the dumbest things. calling her when i need advice. having her hug me when i was upset. i heard this quote "a mother's death is the first sorrow you have to grieve without her." it's so true. she was my person. my parents were divorced and i am not very close with my dad. my mom was my life and my brother and i were hers. this is killing me every day. her birthday would have been this thursday, the 7th, and the thought of her not being around is more than i can handle. it doesn't get easier every day. i just miss her more and more. at first it was easier to deny, to ignore the pain. now, the longer she has been gone, reality is setting in and i just miss her so damn much. why is life so unfair??

[mydoot]

Life is so unfair.  It seems especially unfair when your Mom isn't there to help you deal with the rest of the unfair things that life throws at you.  Thank you for sharing the quote about dealing without your Mom.  My life is gone without my Mom.  She was my person, too.  I don't know what to do everyday without her.  I used to call her for every little thing I didn't know the answer to or for her support when I needed it or just my person to talk to.  I miss her.  I keep looking at the pictures I have of her and cry...  She was so beautiful and so young.  I brought a bunch of her clothes to my house and I look at them everyday.  The clothes remind me of her being here and the different memories I have of her in those outfits...  It's nice too, because I have been wearing her pajamas and my one child recognizes it as being Nana's...

God, I see other people a lot older than me hanging out with their Moms and Dads and even with their grandparents and it just seems so wrong and so unfair.  My Mom was only 55 and she JUST got to be a grandmother.  She wanted to be a grandmother for the last 10 years of my life.  It's not fair.  How come some of us lose our Mom's SO young...  I knwo it never gets any easier, but it's not right when you never got to mature enough to get to know your Mom as a person.  I never got to really know my Mom the woman.  I only knew my Mom as my Mom who was always there for me.  I never took the time to see really who she was.  The Mom part took over.  I feel like I took her for granted.  I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to say sorry.  i never got to thank her for the millions of things she did for me.  I never got to tell her really how much she meant to me.  I told her I loved her everyday, but never really explained that she was my best friend, my strenght, my angel... 

I hate that they never figured out what was wrong with her.  I hate that she suffered for so long.  It kills me that she was so sad that no one believed how sick she was.  I miss her more than words will ever be able to describe...

Hugs to all.  May something bring a little bit of peace for you.  I can't find much besides knowing that my Mom's pain is gone...

[Guest Branler]

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[butterfly13]

becky-  I agree,life is so unfair!I'm so sorry that you had to make such a hard decision(to take your mom off the ventilator).The night my mom was taken to the ER,the Dr. called and said"When(not if)your mother stops breathing,do you want us to give her CPR?"I couldn't belive we were talking about my mother.I wanted to scream out"Do everything to save her,this is my best friend we're talking about!"But the Dr. told me that she would than just live for awile on a ventilator.I decided against CPR.Every single day,I pray that I made the right decision,and I hope that my mom understands.The most painful decision to ever make,is to let the person that you love and need the most,to make the decision for them to die,knowing you will never see them again-is so unfair,and hurts more than anything else in this world.Our moms were only in their 50's,way too young to have to say goodbye to.Yes,life is soo unfair!!

[lifes1k]

becky,

I can relate to your story, my mom had lung cancer that spread to her liver and brain. We watched her go from strong active fiesty lady to a whole different mean lady... I watched her die for two years. And I thought that was the hardest part... I was laid off from work and could take care of her for a good amount of time... I guess I was lucky in some ways I know she knew how much I cared... She stayed at home until the last week before her death she slipped into a coma and went to a hospice center. I thought that was hard but to actually try to have a life again is the hard part... My mother's cancer was from smoking and when I walk outside of my work and see all the people smoking I just want to scream "do you know what you will put your family through".... I just want to lay in bed and never get out.... I hate this feeling... I try to be so positive and know that is what she would want but I just don't care... I don't know what to do anymore....

[mydoot]

I wish I had the opportunity to know that my Mom was going to die.  I know those of you that had to care for your mothers with cancers and such had a terrible amount of suffering to, but in a way, I wish I got to know that it was coming so I could take care of her and say my goodbyes.  Tell her how much I loved her and how thankful I was to be blessed with her as my Mom and how sorry I was for all of the wrongs I caused her.  I watched my Mom die slowly over the last few years, but none of us believed she was sick so instead of making the end of her life comfortable we contributed to her suffering.  The stupid doctors never found anything wrong with her.  Even after she died they still don't know why she died.  She was only 55 so they should have figured something out.  I almost wish it was cancer so everyone could have said goodbye, including her.  Instead she spent the last 2.5 weeks of her life in a hospital where the doctors thought that she was just depressed and making up how she felt.  She kept saying she wanted to go home and thought she was doing better.  Probably because no one believed she was sick and she was the most comfortable in her own bed at home.  Then she was gone...  No one knows what happened and no one got so say goodbye or tell her we were SO SORRY for not believing her that she was sick...

Everyday I suffer for how I treated her.  She always told me I would regret how I treated her when she was gone and she was right...  I love her so much and I miss her more every day...

[Guest becky10143]

I know a lot of people try to tell me that it's good that my mom didn't suffer much being that this cancer pretty much came out of the blue and took her from pretty healthy to a breathing machine in only 2 weeks. It would have killed my mom to have my brother and I have had to take care of her. She knew what she meant to us. That is one thing I never have to worry about. My brother and I and her were very close. And my brother and I have even grown stronger through it all. I just have these days (like today) where all I want to do is lay in bed and let the world go on without me. How can things go on without her? She was the rock of my family. She cooked for every holiday. She loved Christmas. We made 20 dozen cookies together every year to give away. It's just so hard to think of the things I won't have her around for anymore. And that my children won't get to experience those things with her. Her mom passed away from a stroke when she was only 24 or 25 herself and I never thought it would happen to me, so I never asked her really how she got through that. Now I wish I had. She had my Pap around though (her Dad) and they were very close. I'm sure he helped her get through things.

I agree with saying there are people that have never lost anyone close to them. They have their parents, grandparents, everyone. I have no mom. I am not close to my dad. I have no grandparents. It's me and my brother and out extended fam. People just have no idea how lucky they are. No clue.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo for my mom. A quote across the middle of my back. I found one that I really like. "A candle that shines twice as bright burns half as long." That was my mom. Everyone loved her and she took care of everyone. She was our light. My angel. My everything. And my life will never be the same without her.

 

 

[butterfly13]

becky-  You're right,people don't know how lucky they are.It's pretty much just me and my brother too,thnak God we have gotten closer since our mom died(it will be 2months Thurs.)When I come on this web site it seems like their are so many people going through the same thing that I am,and feeling the same way that I'm feeling,but in every day life it seems that nobody is going through this.I feel so alone with this grief,everyone I work with seem so happy,all of my friends still have their parents-the only one who truly understands is my brother.Every day I wake up and think-no,not today,I can't face another day feeling so sad,angry,lost etc...I hate these feelings,but I don't think they will be going away any time soon,if ever.Every day is a struggle,and I hate it!!!

[lifes1k]

mydoot,

in some odd way I do feel lucky that I had time with my mom and I cherish that. But I still feel angry and guilty and all those feelings I just hate...mostly just sad...There is no easy way to lose one's we love that is for sure....