Loss of a Mother

[stephysteph13]

^{Why don't i cry alot? i feel so guilty for not crying! its like i feel it but the tears just dont flow. I've been going to counseling for 2 years and not once has she seen me cry and i dont know why. that bothers me alot. Another thing is that My stepdad who was in my life in the beg.. just vanished and he has all my mother's ashes, and i dont even have some. that bothers me alot too. ive called and called him and no answer. Your very lucky about having letters that she wrote you, i had a alot of family issues and they stole alot from me, i dont even have any recent pics of my mom and i. it feels like a dream without her, like one day ill wake up and she will be here. i dont know. its weird. Um.. another thing that really hurts me is that people dont understand, dont get me wrong i have a huge support system, but ive had people tell me that i should be over it and that i need to move on. i am moving on but i cant just be over it for all she was my mom.}

^{What you said about your guilt. i dont think you were a bad daughter. everyone who looses a parent tends to feel that. Im sure she knew and still knows that you are an awesome daughter and that u loved and cared for her very much! im so scared for the things that come, like what u mentioned prom graudation etc. i dont even want them to happen because she isnt there for them but i do know that she would want me to enjoy all those things, however easier said than done, Do you cry alot? Me, i wont cry for so long than ill break down completely. I cry very easily and im very sensitive but with my mom im quite strong, but i guess thats not a bad thing. i feel so scared about growing up right now too which i never was until i lost her like i start college in sept and im so nervous about going to school and becoming a nurse. it all seems so unreal and scary. Another thing i just got called for an interview for a job and im excited and sad at the same time. everything just feels so different i dont know.....}

^{How are u feeling??}

^{Sorry this is so long, i just know you dont mind listening and sometimes i really feel i need to talk.}

^Steph

[user=19094]severn[/user] wrote:

It is very hard, and I do struggle. The other day I went into a pharmacy and the first thing I saw was a cute little bag made out of felt. It stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry because my Mum used to make felt wall hangings. The picture on the bag (of a bunny) looked just like something she would make. I bought it, and am looking at it now. The world feels weird, and wrong, without her most of the time.

The guilt that you're feeling when you feel happy is normal, hon. Believe it or not, most people who lose someone close to them have all kinds of problems with guilt. My own guilt - I didn't look after her enough, didn't visit her enough, was a bad daughter etc. Your Mom though, Steph, would want you to be happy. She would never think that it meant you're somehow 'over' her death. Grief is a succession of stages - and the stages are cyclic..they repeat over and over, in diferent orders. If you're feeling happy that's good and ok, that's part of your process through grief.

It's impossible that your Mom is going to miss these important things in your life - prom, graduation, grandchildren, weddings. It's something those of us who lose our mother's when we're young all face, and I imagine it's impossible for all of us. The important thing is to have a good support system in place, people we can turn to at those times, help us through them: let us talk, or cry, or simply sit in silence holding our hands.

Keep talking. Still listening...

[ps90247]

All:  there is no way we will ever totally get over losing our moms.  All we can hope for is the pain to subside somewhat; but the memories will always be with us.

Steph:  people who are telling you to get over it are either insensitive (or should I say, ignorant) or have not been in our situations before and don't know how it feels, or both.  These kinds of people are not a good support system at all and may bring you down.  I don't have all that many pics of my mom, either (she didn't like the camera that much).  I am 48 and she was 78.  Most recent ones I have of her are from her 76th birthday in 3/05 and another set from 11/93.

Severn:  I do have feelings of guilt; I keep thinking of how I could not have noticed that my mom was ill.  She was getting very tired the last year of her life and both my mom and I thought it was because of her age.   She passed away exactly 3 months ago today (12/26/07) at the age of 78 of emphysema.  Even if I had noticed last year that she was ill, it may have been beyond the point of no return anyway....something should have been done several years ago and she may be here today....how could the doctors have missed this during her annual checkups? 

ChicaGogina:  I take comfort in the fact that although each day that passes takes me further away from the last day I saw my mother alive, it also takes me one day closer to being reunited with my mother Up There.  In the meantime, I hope she continues to be with me (I can feel her presence at times, most definitely).

Magdelene:  so your mom died about the same time as my mom did.  3 months is still very recent and there is no way the pain goes away in that short a time; I am still hurting, although the severity has gone down a tad.  I have to say that I have cried every single day since she passed away - actually even longer than that.  I would say I have cried every single day since she was intubated, and that was on 12/15/07---on that day, I knew the inevitable was coming. 

There is no single way to mourn or to heal-all of us will get through this in a different way.  Don't feel guilty for "not getting over it" - I will never "get over it" - don't let others make you feel guilty.  But at the same time, we all need to try to move on with our lives as best we can while we're still here in this life - that's what our mothers would all want us to do.

I think this forum is a great place for all of us to let it all out, since we are all in the same boat and sometimes people around us just don't get it.  Hang in there.

 

 

[minnababy]

it's my mum's birthday today. i can't get my head around the fact that she's not here. 56 years ago she'd just been born and now she's gone...? it doesn't make sense. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. it feels so unreal. everything hurts so much that i can't breathe properly. how can your birthday still exist when you're not here anymore, i mean it's her birthday but she will never get even a second older than she was the day i lost her. and the weirdest thing is that i still can't properly believe it. i find it so difficult even to write 'my mum is dead', saying it is impossible, even after eight months. and even when i think about it, it's like it's happening to someone else and not me, like i've disconnected myself from the situation. i can feel sorry for this girl who's lost her mum, when actually that girl is me, but i can't connect it to myself. it feels like i'm in a kind of bubble, like part of me knows she's gone but it can't touch me. it's the hardest feeling to explain and what i'm writing probably doesn't even make sense. i keep smelling her perfume too, and seeing her out of the corner of my eye, but when i turn round there's no-one there. it freaks me out. i feel like i'm going crazy. but mostly i just feel like there's no point in anything anymore, i've been strong for eight months, dealt with everything just carried on, but really more than anything in the whole world i just want her to come back make everything better again, like she always used to. because now i just have to get on with everything by myself and it's so scary. and i never knew it was possible to feel this alone. thinking about my life , it all just seems so pointless without her in it, and so so scary, i want someone to look after me and tell me everything will be okay, i feel like a little kid, i don't feel safe anymore. i don't know how i'm meant to get through the rest of my life without her. i don't want to.

happy birthday mummy. i love you forever. x x

[jonathan]

minnababy -

Everything that you've just written makes perfect sense to me...it's almost as if I could have written it myself.  I lost my mom a little over 3 months ago, just before Christmas.  It has been so very hard...impossible, really.  The last few weeks the shock and numbness have been wearing off and harsh reality has set in.  It's all just so unfair, for all of us.  I wish none of us had to be here, but as I've been reading through some posts I do feel a little bit of comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.  Sometimes it helps just to read other peoples' stories, I guess.

I wish I could say things were getting easier, but they seem to be getting worse.  I don't think I've had a decent night's sleep since early December.  The other night I did get some sleep, but kept having nightmares about losing my mom again.  I'm pretty much alone...I have a brother and sister but they're pretty busy with their families and we all have to go through this in our own way.  With spring coming up it will fall on me to take care of my mom's house and yard.  I spent some time down there last week cleaning up leaves and stuff that I couldn't do last fall because of the weather.  It's very difficult being there.  It's so empty and quiet.

Somehow we will all get through this, I think.  I wish all of you the best.

[stephysteph13]

Severn,

I wrote you last night a long post but its underneath a few posts that were left today. just letting u know in case you didnt see it

Stephh

[severn]

Everyone:

On one hand it feels amazing how many of the same experiences/feelings we share, and on the other I guess it isn't. I, too, don't have many photos of Mum as an adult. I have lots, from my Aunt, of her when she was a child and a young adult. She was a cheeky kid, and then grew into an exceptionally beautiful young woman. On her sister's wedding day she outshone the bride as a bridesmaid - in a pink nightdress would you believe, that she sewed fabric daisies onto, and a huge straw hat (twas the 70's - she was a babe heh).

When she died, and for the few years before, she was so awful to look at I found it really hard to visit her (guilt). I wonder where she went. My mother the fashion queen, who cared so well for herself, turned into a woman with a moustache and burst veins in her face. It was heartbreaking. The last photo I have of her when she looked happy was from around 1982 when I was a small kid. I have a few when she either looks utterly depressed, or has the false happiness of a drunk person on her face.

As I mentioned she was sick for most of my childhood. But what gets me is that she died of a condition she'd had for 6 years! Six years, and they only found out when they cut her open to find out what was wrong. She never woke up from that operation. No one believed her - they just put her stomach pain down to...sheesh, I don't even know. I thought she was being taken care of (guilt). Like you PS90247 I will never know if it could've been fixed if it had been caught early. Could she have been with me longer?

Steph - don't worry if I don't reply for a bit, it'll be our timezone differences.

The not-crying. There'll be all kinds of reasons for that hon. It certainly doesn't mean you're not grieving. You're grieving like hell, darling. Crying is just one way to let loose your feelings - a good way, and I hope that you can let it out with tears eventually. Not should, just hope that you can as it is a release. It sounds like you've had to be strong through some awful, awful things: your Mom's protracted illness, and then losing her, things in your childhood, your stepdad and his dreadful, disrespectful actions. Now you're emerging into adulthood without your Mom to guide you. I'm not surprised you can't cry - you've built up some massive survival techniques to keep you strong, keep you going. It's hard to let that go. Try not to beat yourself up about it. ~hugs~ If you keep going with your counselling, and as you get older, I'm sure that ability will come back to you as you learn to move through your adult life.

Me and crying? I cry sometimes. The only time I can outright sob is about 2am, when I feel safe in the darkness. I cried every day for the first months after she died.

Those people who say to 'get over it' are ignorant dear. They're either saying that because they want to see you happy and don't know what else to say, or they're uncomfortable around your grief. They're certainly not right, and you certainly never will 'get over it' - there is no such thing. We just learn to live with our loss through a grief process that doesn't stop. It changes us, yes, but we don't 'get over' anything.

I really want to throw in my recommendation to everyone again to get the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It helped me make so much sense of things. I can't recommend it enough for every daughter who's lost their Mom. I think even sons could get something out of it.

[Guest Loverspoint]

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly 10 days ago (March 16, 2008). She was only 67. I have been grieving more than I ever thought was possible. It so hard. I'm so terribly sad. I'm working through it one day at a time and know I'm just in the very beginning stages of dealing with it. I'm going to miss her so much. I'm still in shock and disbelief. She was a healthy, vibrant woman who did yoga and took care of herself. Nonetheless, she died of a thoracic aneurysm. I've shed so many tears....

I'm glad to have found this site. I'm sorry for all your losses also...

-Jeremy

[need2talk]

[user=0]Loverspoint[/user] wrote:

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly 10 days ago (March 16, 2008). She was only 67.....Jeremy

Hello Jeremy, so sorry to hear about your mum. My mum was sudden and unexpected too so I can totally relate to the surrealness. She was just 63, (24th November, 2007). Still can't beleive it has happened. We finally found some courage to go into her house on Monday this week, ( that was where we found mum that awful night.) Just to start sorting things out. It was as though time had stopped there. Her glasses, her book....everything was so hard. Find myself just sitting, staring, wide eyed at a spot in the room...the pain so sharp, I can't breathe. Seem to do that alot. Still shock I've been told.

Surround yourself with the people who love you. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to smile. Hold on to the strong, happy memories.

Be thinking of you...    Jane x

[stephysteph13]

severn,

What you said in the last post made alot of sense to me, I think all the things in the past have just made me stronger and thats why im able to put up this shield. its tough though, i dont know how ill ever be able to enjoy life fully again, part of my heart is now missing. i need her. there are so many important mile stones in my life that my mom should be a part of.Its tough not having her here for all the good times in my life, it seems like the last few years all we had was bad times because she was always sick. it stinks... but i guess its something we just have to deal with unforuntely. The book that you recommended is awesome i actually have it and read it several times, it does help clear things up a little. its just so difficult to except the fact that i will never see my mom again, i dont want to believe that, but i guess i do. i dont know why people are so ignorant, its just i need someone who is going to be w me all the way, and dont get me wrong i have a large support system but they are the type that make me stronger and push me away from her, but right now i want to hurt and miss her. does that make sense? i mean i hate feeling this way, but i dont want to let her go yet, im scared if i let her go.. i will forget her. i dont know if ill ever be able to just not feel crappy, i wish i could i really wish i could but its just sooo hard. why did this happen to us? what did i do wrong for god to take her away??????????? everyone thinks im so brave and tough thats because they dont see the hurt bc i choose not to talk about it. im falling apart inside. and no one sees that. i dont want people to pity me so i dont say anything. i just want someone to hold me sometimes. just listen. anything to show me they care. sorry that im rambling...

How are u feeling?

Stephanie

[stephysteph13]

Severn

Are you okay? i hope you are. im thinking about you. havent heard from yo in af ew days.

Steph

[kharizma]

HELLO MY NAME IS KHARIZMA AND I TOO HAVE LOST MY MOM...I AM ONLY 31 YRS OLD AND HAVE 3 SIBLINGS THE YOUNGEST IS 20..MY MOM WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST ON APRIL 21, 2006 AND OUR LIVES HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE....I MISS HER EVERYDAY BUT WHEN THE ANNIVERSARY OF HER DEATH COMES AROUND IT GETS EVEN TOUGHER FOR ME....NOT ONLY HAVE I LOST HER BUT MY DAD DIED IN 1994 WHEN I WAS 17 FROM ALCOLHOLISM...MY AUNT JUST PASSED LAST YEAR FROM THE SAME THING MY MOM DIED FROM AND AS FAR AS FAMILY I DONT REALLY HAVE ANY AT ALL...NO AUNTS, UNCLES, GRANDPARENTS (ONLY ONE) MY PATERNAL GRANDMA....AND I FEEL REALLY ALONE...I AM ENGAGED RIGHT NOW AND I AM LIVING WITH MY FIANCEE FAMILY BUT IT DOESNT REALLY HELP ANY WHEN ITS NOT YOUR FAMILY THAT YOUR AROUND...NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND MY GRIEF FOR MY PARENTS ESPECIALLY FOR MY MOM AT ALL....IT HURTS THOUGH ALOT....MY MOM WAS ONLY 51 AND SHE LEFT BEHIND FOUR CHILDREN, A HUSBAND, 3 GRANDKIDS, AND WE ARE ALL DISTRAUGHT WITHOUT HER...ITS AMAZING HOW WHEN SHE WAS HERE I TOOK EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED YA KNOW?? LIKE SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE AROUND....ITS SO SAD WITHOUT HER IN MY LIFE AND ALL....SHE WAS THE FAMILYS ROCK YA KNOW?? NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE HER IN MY LIFE AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS I GUESS BUT ALL OF YOU FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME ABOUT THIS TOPIC.....THANKS....KHARIZMA

[stephysteph13]

kharizma,

Hello. you came to the right spot. we are all here for eachother. its tough. im almost 18 and lost my mom septemeber of 06 and it has been a life changing event. im depressed over it big time, but i think what makes me push through is the people around me and wanting to make my mom proud. i too dont have much family.. but im very fortunate for my dad and aunt that live w me. Do you still have trouble excepting the fact that your dad isnt here? Like how long did it take you to feel ok? Im wondering maybee we could really help eachother because i was 16 when my mom died and you were 17 when your dad passed. About your mom, I know the pain, it sucks and is tough. my mom was also very sick and had terrible cancer. you are going to have good days and bad days but i feel the 2nd year for me is so much harder. last yr i feel like im so numb. When did she pass away? How do you deal with it?

Well im always here. and listening. you can vent, cry, talk to us anytime u need to! hope i helped a little

Stephanie

[minnababy]

kharizma;; just thought i'd tell you that i understand how you feel.  i lost my mum in july 2007. although my father is still alive, my parents divorced when i was little and i have had no contact with him or anyone in his side of the family for at least six years.  i have an auntie and uncle (from my mum's side) but they live miles away, and i don't really know them that well anyway. the only person i was close to in my family apart from my mummy was my grandma (my mum's mum) but she died in may 06. i have a little brother (age 17, i'm 20). that's it. it's SO hard because basically i've lost my whole family. and no-one understands how that feels. like you i feel so completely alone in the world and it's so scary, knowing that you have no-one there. my boyfriend doesn't get it either, like with you...i mean i get so upset and try to explain to him but he says 'well you have my family', and i want to scream at him that it's not the same and it never will be, yes they're nice, they're really supportive of me and stuff but they're not MY family. and that's all i want, my family back.  but he takes it like an insult, like i hate his family or something, and urgh that's not it at all. i just miss my mum so much, it hurts incredibly, so much i sometimes can't even breathe properly. and i took so much for granted too, when she was here i always felt loved and safe and like nothing bad could happen to me, i always had someone to turn too, but now, there's nothing. i feel like i'm completely alone to deal with everything but i still feel like a kid, i still need her so much. i sit and look at her number stored in my phone and want so much to press the 'call' button and have her answer...but deep down i know she won't be there. everything is so hard without her, it hurts so much just to make it through the day, i just want her to hug me and tell me everything will be okay, to come back and make everything better again. anyway sorry for writing so much, i just wanted to say i understand, especially about the family stuff. x

[severn]

Hey Steph, I'm about, just haven't felt much like talking the last few days. Missing Mum so much.... had a dream about her the other night, made me feel like she was still alive, and it was so crushing to realise she wasn't....

[stephysteph13]

severn,

I understand. If you need to talk i'm here. Whats triggering it so much? I figured you werent doing too good, because you didnt reply.

Hope you are okay. i know its difficult im having a rough time too.

Steph

[Guest studentmom08]

My Mom died on Thursday, 3/27/08. She was 76, and had been suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 2 years. I am in such a state: I can't think, can't eat, am drinking like crazy, and keep alternating between periods of extreme sadness and hardcore anger. My oldest sisters prepared/wrote the obituary, it could'nt have been any more devoid of emotion if they tried. They were never close to my mom; all they wanted were her material things. They did not even speak at her funeral. My ex who I share custody of my 12 year old son with; wouldn't even allow me to have our son to attend my mother's funeral. I am in the midst of a divorce; which I never really wanted, but my husband refused to work on our problems. He is moving to Missouri in less than 2 weeks to take care of his mom, because HIS DAD just died at the end of January. It is all too much; I feel like I am about to lose my mind, and am sick of being judged by family members on how I am handling all of this. I also had the added additional problem of my car choosing to break down on the day that I drove to Fond du Lac to view my Mom's body at Ucker-Witt. It blew a head gasket. Imagine going through all of the above; and then, as an added insult, my car chooses THEN to break down and take a sh*t. I had been praying the rosary for about 3 nights prior to this, now I have stopped. It seems as if every time that I pray for things to improve, is when the sh*t hits the fan. No, I'm not blaming God, I'm just stating pure facts. I am ready to snap if one more thing goes wrong. My ex is also using this time since my husband abandoned our marriage to try and get full custody of my precious son. I am not far from the edge, if you know what I mean.

[stephysteph13]

studentmom08,

I read your post and my heart feels for you. Even though I havent and arent going through exactly what you are.. Imonly 18 and have been through more than people can imagine. i lost my mom almost 2 years ago, and it sucks! that is the only way I can put it.,... Just wanted to lte you know im always here for you to talk to....

Steph

[studentmom08]

Thank you for your support. It really means alot to me. I am about an hour from all of my main family; and 40-45 minutes from my Dad's. No one in my family (with the exception of my Mom & Dad 5 years ago), and my other sister once, has ever even made an effort to come and see where I live and show me support. (Or just to visit). Most to almost all of my family are judgemental. I am done dealing with toxic people in my life. They try to chalk it up to the fact: "Oh, she's just a b*tch," but they'll never get it. When my Mom started getting sick two years ago, my Dad susequently called each and every one of my sisters (with the exception of my other sister who lives in New York), and not ONE of them could drop their daily routines and visit and stay with her at the hospital overnight. No, it was up to ME and my ONLY BROTHER to do so. I have alot of resentment (as you can tell), and alot of anger and hatred regarding the other members of my family. When my Dad went through his grieving process when he had to make the decision 2 years ago to put Mom in the nursing home, not one of my sisters (or brother), could be there for him on a daily basis to offer him support. I, as I said, am the farthest from my Dad, with the exception of my other sister in upstate New York. On Christmas night 2006, not one of them could spend time with him. It was his first major holiday without my Mom, and guess who was there? Me. On their recent Anniversary in November, not one of them could even have the decency to show up and be there for him. All they care about is materialistic things. (Such as my Mom's collection of music boxes), which I currently have. I had asked my Dad his permission to take them, so that when I went to visit my mom in the nursing home, I could try and show her them, and play them, with the hopes of sparking her memory. Now that she is gone, all my oldest 2 sisters have done is b*tch 2 my Dad about how I have them, and how they should be split up evenly between the family. My niece, who my Mom & Dad raised for 1/2 of her life, actually approached me on the day of my Mom's funeral, and said: "While this may be inappropriate Marie, alot of people are saying that you have alot of stuff of grandma's. I only have a can opener. If you could give me something else of grandma's, I'd appreciate it." After my initial shock and total disbelief that she would (and could) be so utterly TACKY, I told her that I could give her a music box with a unicorn on it. That is what my family is like.  I have reached the point of where I no longer want anything to do with any of them, except for my Dad. My one sister and brother are included, too. They are the only ones who don't judge me.Thanx again for your support.

[stephysteph13]

severn,

im missing u on these boards. and i know your struggling! just letting you know im always thinking of u and hoping you r doing ok.

steph

[severn]

Thanks Stephy, you're a real sweetie.

I'm doing ok, just lots of stuff going on right now.

I'm about though, and always read what you and others say. I check daily, just don't always talk...

~hugs~

Hope you're ok too, hon.

[minnababy]

nine months. it seems like i'm the only one who remembers. i hate the third day of every month. i don't understand how all this time can have passed, it can't be nine months. it feels like it all happened a few weeks ago. these days it hurts just to stay alive. i don't want to anymore. i feel like i've been strong up til now, but now everything all seems to be falling apart, i feel like i can't handle it at all, i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. i feel so alone and frightened and i wish someone would help me but no-one does. i want someone to look after me like my mummy would have, i'm not old enough to do this all on my own. i need her to come back

[sheela]

 

i know what you all mean ... it is so hard .. my mom will be gone for a whole year this june 6th.. and her b day is august 3rd .. mine is aug 30th.. so i have a lot of sad days coming .. many have said to celebrate something in her honor etc... but my heart just hasnt gotten that far yet in my grief i guess..

 

the hardest part for me is the complete and utterly emptiness that i feel with out her here at all.. i dont have any friends except for online .. thats great but i really need friends here who can go places with me like to a church service etc, to lunch, to a walk in the park well you know what i mean ..  thats what i miss so very much.. i live in a bad down town area with no normal young people my age at all.. they are all elderly or on drugs or alcohol or are crazy .. or there are bars or the businesses and business people.. thats all or the homeless ... i find this so sad bc i love to meet people.. the few churches near here, i dont have a vehicle at all and ride the bus which i dont mind i am grateful for that even, well it limits me.. i try to stay close by.. i dont feel comfortable going way out in places i am not familier with i think thats understandable.. so i am feeling trapped here in the down town area.. my only hope that i can of is to make some new friends which is very hard here in this area, or to move out which would be very hard bc of limited finances and no vehicle to move with at all and i cant afford a uhaul etc.. (sighs) so any ways thanks for letting me vent ... my mom was my only family i have.. the dad and sister are both addicts and dad is retarded he was a blue baby with not enough oxygen to the brain.. its so sad.. sister has done so many drugs that she is below normal  level intelligence as well.. i have one other aunt who lives miles away in another state she talkes to me but is of limited help so far bc of her own problems...

[ramsfan]

I lost my Mom August 30th of 07.  I seem to be in worse shape now then I was when she passed.  My Mom suffered from Parkinson's and she had a touch of dimetntia ,  neither should of taken her life, she passed away very unexpected.    I can't help but feel I could of done more or said something for her to know how much she meant to me - I did nothing - she was suppose to always be there.

I have a great husband and kids but I try not to let the see how I'm aboout ready to break. 

I hear time is suppose to help but it hasn't - if anything it scares me.   

[need2talk]

Hi sheela, My heart goes out to you. Can I say, what a beautiful picture of your mum that is? You must miss her alot, miss my mum too, (4 months now.... ). I know i'm lucky to have support from my dad and sister's, and it's still painful and so hard - cry every day for her -  I can't imagine facing the horror of it all alone...... (mum was sudden and unexpected and we were very close).

Perhaps you can connect with some decent friends through the church? Or maybe try online for groups in your area. Not everyone that lives in a 'bad' area is 'bad', if you know what I mean? There must be others who feel equally alone? Maybe try and make some plans/goals to see your aunt? Meanwhile, there are always people to talk to on here.....take care of yourself.

Carry your mum in your heart.  x

[sheela]

[user=19713]ramsfan[/user] wrote:

I lost my Mom August 30th of 07.  I seem to be in worse shape now then I was when she passed.  My Mom suffered from Parkinson's and she had a touch of dimetntia ,  neither should of taken her life, she passed away very unexpected.    I can't help but feel I could of done more or said something for her to know how much she meant to me - I did nothing - she was suppose to always be there.

I have a great husband and kids but I try not to let the see how I'm aboout ready to break. 

I hear time is suppose to help but it hasn't - if anything it scares me.   

ty needtotalk you have my sympathies every one here does.. hugs to every one here.. ramsfan i know what you mean time frightens me a lot also..so many nights i waken up and am fileld with fear at the future and what it holds for me..i wake up with sheer terror a lot.. and then try to lay there and go back to sleep.. somewhere i read that God gives us hard trials to help us be prepared for even worse things to come.. if thats true i lay in fear of what that next thing is what could possible be worse  that is coming in the distant future ?

[ramsfan]

Sheela,

thank you for your words.  I have my faith that keeps me strong.  But there's so much more I dwell on.   I have this urge to call her and when I reach for the phone it hits me - she's gone.  I just want to scream at times but all that will do  is have people look at me like I'm crazy. 

 You seem so strong - I was worried logging into this site that no one would care how I felt - but just by you responding makes me feel better.  

thanks

 

[stephysteph13]

Severn

You feeling any better? Hope you are okay.

Im doing alright i guess. had a breakdown this week and cried last night a bit. ughh this sucks and thats the only words to describe it.

Steph

[solemate]

hello everyone, I have been away overseas for several weeks and have not been able to access the net.  In the 10 weeks I've been away, I am saddened by the number of new postings.  I have taken my parents ashes overseas to scatter in Scotland and Ireland.  It was an amazing trip with lots of mixed emotions.  I scatted some of the ashes on their 1st anniversay and was drawn to a special spot inScotland and found a lonely headstone which was my father's family name and would you believe opposite was a lonely headstone of my mother's maiden name - they were both facing each other with no other headstones around - it was a very old cementary in scotland which has the momument to grey freyers bobby.  I felt some peace as I scattered them and know that my parents would have approved of the location as it also faced Edinburgh Castle (a place they have been to)  In Ireland I scatted them in the two family cementarys and amongst my mothers heritage - her fathers family.  Although one year has now come by, I still (at times) cannot bear the loss of my dear mother and father.  I drove to the place of the accident and spent some quiet time there alone.  My guilt is still with me as I still feel the pain of agreeing to turn of her life support system after the accident. With Dad dying instantly at the accident, the decision wasnt needed. But for Mum some say that she held on just so we could say goodbye. I have read Alsion du bois's book  "we are their heaven" - what a wonderful book and so full of the mysteries of life after death.  I feel that I too experience some contacts from my parents albeit a sudden all over warmth to a sudden rainbow appearing when I am at my lowest.  I believe that the contacts are the way that our loved ones are trying to contact us.  I have worked out quickly that you don't mention this to non'believers - they think you are loosing it!.  My search for peace and normality continues and at times I think I am getting there, then bang Its a bad day.  One year on and you still cry tears of pain and look at pictures that are just memories.  My thoughts are with all on the boards and wish you well My trip overseas has added some closure but the heartache is still strong and I wonder when it will ease? - take care everyone - gayle  

[ps90247]

Hi, Gayle:

Glad to see you back on the boards and I hope your trip has helped bring some kind of closure for you.  I did read Allison DuBois' book (the one you recommended), "We Are Their Heaven - Why the Dead Never Leave Us," and I think it is helping me get through the loss of my mother. 

I have no idea when the pain is going to end.  In my case, it will be 4 months on 04/26/08 (since my mom passed away).  I'm sure everyone's case is different.  But I am starting to believe that the pain (and of course, the memories) will never, ever go away....the severe intensity may go away, but the pain will never completely go away 100%.  It will be 16 weeks this coming Wed 04/16.  One would think by now, things would be getting easier.  Some ways they have, but in other ways, they haven't.  I don't have that sharp intense pain every day that I did in the first few weeks after my mom passed.  I can have a series of days when the pain is not so bad....but when it hits, it hits soooooooooooo hard and sometimes the pain gets unbearable.  One never knows when the severe pain will hit.  I can honestly say that I have cried every single day since my mom passed away, and even a few days before that.  I think I realize that the rest of my life will be this way and I need to deal with it as it comes.  My life can never again be the way it was when my mom was alive. 

I feel for everyone else here as well who is going through the same thing.  Mother's Day is fast approaching here in the US (Sunday, 05/11/08).  I'm getting so very sad every time I see a Mother's Day promo.  Mother's Day used to bring me tons of happiness; this year, it is going to be so tough.

Hang in there, everyone.

 

 

[solemate]

Hi there ps90247 - good to hear from you - thank you for your kind thoughts.  You are still in early stages with a long road ahead (we all have!) Yes life will not be the same again without our dear Moms (Mums/Mummy) We have decided to sell our new home of only 2 years - I simply have too many sad memories of my parents.  I can see my dear Mum coming through the door with a warm 'hello there' and my Dad shuffling in behind her.  When we built this home, it was going to be the last - now I am shifting again, something I had not planned to do.  My husband is very support of the decision and also feels similar pain.  My memory of my Mother is so etched into my heart it will never leave me.  Just surviving for the day can be a big effort.  I find I am more quiet with my emotions now - not wanting to show that I still suffer.  ps90247 you are your mom's legacy - her daughter and always will be.  Think of her, shead tears and tell her that you miss her and that you love her dearly.  She will hear you and when you look at her photo,even through the tears you will smile because she is with you.  I'm glad you enjoyed the book it certainly has helped me to understand how I feel and the strange feelings that I have had.  Yes Mothers day is approaching and the first for me (Mum & Dad died on 25th March 07) was terrible and my darling daughter helped me through it with lots of cuddles and tissues! - I shouldnt forget I am a Mother too and have 2 wonderful children that love me.  They know my pain and can see that I need more time.  To everyone - my warmth and wishes go to you - take care - Gayle

[maryannmc]

I lost my mom 5 months ago I dont think i will ever get over it...she was my best friend..we lived together 15 years i moved back home after becomming a widow.

my mom and i never really got along before i was married  but became close

over the years..my mom was the bravest women i ever met.  im not half the women she was...im rambling.

i found this site and i just wanted to know does the pain ever go away...moms are

are for ever...i am facing my own mortality

and im freaking out...thanks for liste:(ning  

[stephysteph13]

i understand how u feel. i lost my mom almost two years ago and it sucks... sucks bad. im here to listen if u need to talk. i understand. 

[need2talk]

[user=19292]ps90247[/user] wrote:

Mother's Day is fast approaching here in the US (Sunday, 05/11/08).  I'm getting so very sad every time I see a Mother's Day promo.  Mother's Day used to bring me tons of happiness; this year, it is going to be so tough.

 

 

Just wanted to say that i so relate to what you have posted....Mother's Day was in March here in the U.K. and it marked 99 days since i lost my lovely mum, in very sudden, horrific circumstances.

I found that i couldn't ignore any of it, (i'm a mum myself). It was just too hard to see everyone else buying cards and a part inside screamed at me that i HAD to get one for my mum. So i did. and it didn't feel weird or morbid or wrong.....it felt right. I had always got her one so what was wrong doing it now? I wrote a short message, lit a candle on Mother's Day for her and played some of her favourite music.

I cried, of course i did, but it DID make me feel better even though i was so sad.... if that makes any sense?? I 've put the card away and i'll take it out next year, add a new message/memory and do the same again. I know i'll miss her every day of my life now, some days are going to be worse than others. But i'll never forget her on Mother's Day.

take care.......x

[solemate]

what a lovely thought to buy a card - I think I will do the same - I will also buy one for my husband's mother who also died a few years ago.  It makes sense to me that just because our dear Mums have passed on - they are still with us and this is a lovely way to continue to remember them.  Thank you for your postings - take care  - gayle

[ps90247]

Mother's Day here in the US is about 3 1/2 weeks away (Sun 05/11/08).  The Mother's Day promos are making me sad; this will be the first Mother's Day without my mom.  I was going through all the cards I gave my mom and I found the very last card I ever gave her...Mother's Day 2007.  I didn't get her Christmas card for 2007 because she was in her final days in the hospital....maybe I should have gotten her one anyway...I didn't celebrate the 2007 holidays at all because all my attention was on my mom (who died day after Christmas 2007).  This Mother's Day I will probably go somewhere that my mom and I would frequent.  I will probably take my wife and stepson to one of my mom's favorite hangouts.  I keep telling my stepson to appreciate his mom and that he's very lucky to have his mom still alive. 

Paul

[ramsfan]

My Mom passed away in August.  For the last 2 weeks I felt my mood swing downward.  I've been in a panic thinking I don't want to be around for Mothers day - where can I go just to be away...My Mom lived 2 houses away and I was always walking to her house or she to mine.  I don't go outside often I don't want the neighbors to ask how I feel - because I don't even know.  I'm scared of how I'm going to feel for Mother's Day - yes it's a day we can reflect on the good and all the memories but I can't do that yet.  I seem to cry more now then before - everyone else's life seems to have gone but mine.  My husband and daughter do their routine and I have been attending my pity party everyday.   I want to hear my mom's voice touch her hand - hear her call my name -listen as she talks about her garden.  When I pass her house I block out any memories,  I don't even glance , I can't .  When I have to deal with anything with my mom I find myself just going through a motion - it's like being a dream.  I feel like screaming but can't ..I even ask myself . "Is she really gone?"  The answer doesn't change.   This whole death thing scares me.. your heart can just stop then your gone - for good. 

          

[vyenna]

Hi all,

Its been 3 mths n 14 days since my mum passed away. I've been feeling very down these few days, missing her and thinkin all d time abt her.

Sumtimes, I can feel her presence through messages that reach me. I was chatting to a client whom my mum has spoken to several times before. She shared with him excitedly abt how she wanted me to get married and live together with her, my dad n sister's family. She was describin how she wanted to reconstruct the house to accommodate extra space for me. That put a smile on my face, made me realise how she was was thinkin and planning for me.

I wld hear bits n pieces of what she had shard with others from my conversations with them. It reali feels magical, its as though my mum herself is sharing these stories wif me via them.

[Guest onemeagain]

I lost my Mom 20 years ago and still miss her everyday but am confident in the Lord that we will see each other again someday and the older I get the more excited I am that it gets closer. I would like to share a poem with everyone that I have placed by her picture here at home and also at work  that I read every time I look at her beautiful face.

                                         If Roses Grow In Heaven        

If roses grow in Heaven Lord, Please pick a bunch for me.

Place them in my Mother's arms and tell her they're from me.

Tell her I Love her and miss her, and when she turns to smile,

Place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.

Remembering her is easy, I do it everyday...........

But there's an ache within my Heart, that will never go away.

[ramsfan]

onemeagain,

Your poem was very touching, it actually made me smile.  Reading some of the other post of the heartaches so many feel  I want to share this.  My Mom had Parkinson's.  she hadn't been able to walk on her own for almost a year then the last few months she couldn't walk at all and it was difficult for her to speak.  On the morning before she passed she was able to stand on her own in the shower.  Her speech was perfect and her body wasn't trembling from the Parkinson's.She had such a smile of contenment that whole morning. 

As she was watching TV she had a stroke even the doctor said he didn't understand because her heart was fine.  She was taken from me in a matter seconds.  Needless to say my whole life changed.  As I was making the arrangements with my  minister I could hear myself telling him how her morning was - how she was almost as well as before the Parkinson's struck her, then I caught myself - and I though God had made her whole again to stand before him..  The thought does make me feel better knowing she is not in pain.  I know she was embarrassed having to be spoon fed and carried into the bathroom and often having "accidents".  At the burial I had a panic attack and didn't want to leave her. I told the minister  my Mom didn't like being left alone.. his response was, "As of the day she passed  away she would never be alone again." 

[solemate]

Mothers  day  is fast approaching and already the shops are filled with cards and gifts - this will be the second mothers day that my beloved mum will not be with me. what do I do - last year was a blur - she and dad had only just gone and it came and went in tears.  This year I am trying for my daughter to be strong and have a day for her - after all I am her mother.  My Mum and I were looking to forward to a special dinner with special antique dinner plates.  I love to cook and lay the table special.  I will be trying this year to put that in place for my daughter and I.  She also misses my mum and is very quiet about the whole thing.  I just cry and cant seem to move on.  I have lost my dearest friend, mother and confidant.  She was such a wonderful person who was never nasty and always saw the good in people.  She cared for my Dad and knew he was a handful. She was generous with her spirit and was always happy.  Although not a religious person I know she believed in doing good.  I think of her often (almost daily) and have a picture of her (and dad) beside my computer. I dont want to let go and move on as some would suggest.  I feel in limbo just going day by day and never moving from the grief I still feel.  I still ask questions of that terrible day that I lost both of them.  These questions will never be answered and I must find a way to accept that, but for the moment they are still unanswered.  Its market day Mum and you and I would normally go there together and have such a good time.  A cuppa together and a hunt for that special item for your dolls.  I will try to be the daughter you wanted me to be as you will always be the Mother I always wanted.  I love you always and you are never far from my heart. Your darling daughter Gayle xxx

[sigridmaria]

It's like I can hardly go on but I have to. I feel bad cuddling up in bed knowing my Mom is not upstairs doing the same. We were so close and now seems we are far away. I want so much to hold her and tell her I love Her. hugs to all, Ernest Max

[sigridmaria]

Hello to everyone, Hello World,

I come to this site for peace and comfort and appreciate the love and support. My Mom, Sigrid Maria McShan, passed away last August 12th. I grieve her loss it seems daily and constantly do this self talk about things I regret. I am an international Purser for American Airlines. I had arranged a cruise for my Mom and I to go on in the Caribbean and Mom said the doctors didn't think it was a good idea. Maybe Mom did not want to be around people, maybe She hurt too much, but fact remains, I did not take Her on that cruise and I hate the site of cruise ships and seeing places we could have visited. I should have booked a cruise much earlier in time. I did not. Cruise ships seem to be haunting. I use to be based in Miami but so painful to see people go to cruises, fly in the Caribbean. Now I am based in NYC just to be away. I went to the cemetary today to see how the monument creation was coming along and to be at her site for a few minutes. I am moving along but so many obstacles it seems. I even had a plot near my Mom bought and now I want to see if i can get closer to Her. I promised Mom I would never leave Her. Been so lackadasical in the past, I hate myself for not taking Mom on that cruise. I know Mom would have had a great time. I saw She kept the print out of the cruise in her files. She even gave me a thank you card and that hurts even more because She is thanking me for something She did not get. Just horrible cancer, and God took her at 68. I am 43, and my best friend is gone, my Mom, my everything. I want so much to see my Mom again. Peace, Ernest Max

[wyomingsal]

I have posted this before but as Mother's Day draws near and I think more and more about how much she has influenced my life I thought it was appropriate.  My sister sent this to me shortly after my dear mother passed and it brought me comfort even as the tears rained down.

The Journey Of A Mother

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?" she asked.

And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard.

And you will be old before you reach the end of it.

But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not

believe that anything could be better than these years.

So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and

taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and reminded them to

feed the dog, and do their homework and brush their teeth.

The sun shone on them,

  and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark,

and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them

close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, "Mother, we

are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children

climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.

But at all times she said to the children, "A little

patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and as they climbed

they learned to weather the storms.

And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but

most of all...unconditional love.

And when they reached the top they said,

"Mother, we would not have done it without you."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the

mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were

tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay

down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day

than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing

these traits on to their children."

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her,

and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers. One day

they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a shining road

and golden gates flung wide. And mother said: "I have reached the end of

my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my

children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high,

and so can their children after them. And the children said, "You will

always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates

closed after her. And they said:

"We cannot see her, but she is with us still.

A Mother like ours is more than a memory.

She is a living presence."

Your Mother is always with you.

She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the

smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that

she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well,

she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,

the colors of a rainbow, she is

Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.

And she's crystallized in every teardrop.

A mother shows every emotion

...happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness,

excitement, joy, sorrow...and all the while, hoping and praying you will

only know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you

follow with every step you take.

She's your first love; your first friend, even your first enemy,

but nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space...not even death!

[suelowe]

We had Mother's Day in March this year, and that was painful.....I don't know what to do with myself at the moment.  For many reasons I miss my mum a lot today.  Can't really say much, I was crying while out shopping today.  I just ache for her at the moment.

Sue

[solemate]

hello Sue  - dont be hard on yourself - I lost my dear Mum (and Dad) in March last year and I still have similar days to you. Life deals us all good and bad and somehow I now realise I simply can't control most things, but I can control my own future.  I still have really bad days where I too are in tears and cant find the happiness that I once had.  The joy is missing and I believe it has had an impact on my relationship with my loving husband.  He is so tolerant of me and my rock.  I hope you have some support during these early stages of grief as we cannot go it alone.  take care  Gayle

[suelowe]

Hi Gayle, when my mum first died I thought I'd be 'over it and ok' in a matter of a few weeks.....how wrong was I???  It was just that pain of really missing her.  It's quite unreal you know?  I can't put it into words.....thanks for what you said though. Your husband sounds like a very caring person too, this is good.

Take care, best wishes

Sue

[need2talk]

The pain i feel when i think of mum is physical i think, it's like a stab inside and a breathless feeling all at once. Still in a 'disbelief' stage, (5 months). Trying' but missing her so much, can't believe she's just not here............................words can't express.

love you mum, j xxx

[solemate]

J  need2talk - big hugs to you from Australia - I feel your ache and the pain that it causes you - early days leaves us very emotional and physically a mess.  hang in there it does get a little lighter with time.  take care of yourself and let your emotions ride through your journey.  Accept help from others and when you wish peace - be alone.  all the best Gayle

[libra1]

with mother's day fast approaching, I've got to say , it doesn't get any easier after two years. I'm tired of all this mother day stuff. I have to take my mother-in-law out on Sunday, and I know nobody will mention my mom. I want to yell out, I'M NOT OVER IT>>>I STILL MISS HER! I just want Sunday t be over very quickly. I'm hanging in there for my two kids ony. Miss you badly  mom...

[need2talk]

Thanks for your words Gayle. So lost sometimes. Feel like i'm going through the motions of  work, kids and life in a very surreal way. Guess you know....Hurts so much, just want her back, she was too young to go. She wasn't ill, d.v.t. was misdiagnosed, (despite a previous history) She was sent home from the doctor with useless ibuprofen gel. We found her the next day. All avoidable. Makes it so much harder...........

So sorry for your great loss, your mum and dad look like lovely people. I'm sure they're watching over you together, proud of their daughter sharing her strength with someone on the other side of the world...... Thank you.

 hugs from the U.K.

Jane x