Grief & Healing from a Christian-Biblical Worldview

[msroderskie]

Cory's mom,

I am so sorry to hear about your tremendous loss, and so recently.  This is a horrible club to be in and my prayers have been with you since I read your first post.  I have lost two sons; my son Phil died in a car accident/drowning when he was twenty years old (2001) and my second son Matt died almost two years later (he also shot himself) because of grief over his brother's death.  

Everyone here is already giving you wonderful feedback and advice about coping with such tragedy.  We just keep clinging to the Lord Jesus Christ.  I don't know how people make it through who don't depend on God as you and I do.  I pray He will give you the peace that passes all understanding in the midst of your suffering, that He'll guide your every decision in your employment situation, that you'll know, as you sit and cry, that Christ is there with you.  Even though horrible things happen in life, that does not negate the fact that Jesus is our Savior.   

Returning to work can be so hard, and hopefully your company will be good to you and flexible.  My first day back I felt as if my head was stuffed with cotton.  I literally could not hear right.  I agree with everything that Claudia, Sal and Sonya have said.  Take it easy on yourself.  Grieving the loss of a child is a lifelong endeavor.  You never get over it, but you will go through better times and worse times.  Right now, you are reeling from pain, shock, maybe anger,  and that's to be expected.  All the rest of us can do is tell you we are in this with you, and praying for you.  We can tell you our stories and God can use those experiences to help in tiny increments.  Keep in mind that everyone does grieve differently, and there aren't any formulas in the grief process.  But God will carry you through.  You will never be quite the same, but God will carry you through. 

It's now late Saturday night and you've had to endure Cory's first birthday without him.  I'm crying with you.  Remember all the fun, joyful, loving times you've had with your son, knowing that God will restore it all one day.   Love in Christ,  Rody

[msroderskie]

Cory's Mom,

I also want to say that you have some INCREDIBLE artistic talent in your family.  I thought the drawing was a photo, too. 

Rody

[no40corysmom]

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  This is truly a blessing for me to have this avenue of expression.  Yesterday was an abolutely beautiful, gorgeous day.......It seemed as though Cory was sparkling all around us......We planted a rose bush for him, one that blooms all summer long.......and we left off 16 balloons.....his school colors, and two emerald color ones.....his birthstone color.  The evening was spent with old friends that could share memories.......We also filled them in on a lot of missing information.  The rumors flying around are unbelievable.

 Rody, I cannot begin to imagine going through what you have gone through, that is so heartwrenching to hear......you are truly an inspiration for all of us.

I am blessed with my employer, as is my husband......neither has counted any lost time against us.....my employer has set up a PTO bank for me, where others can donate PTO time, to be used by me when i need it......they tell me to leave whenever I need to.....do whatever I need to. They are only giving me work they know I can handle right now....cause, yes, my head feels like it is stuffed with cotton too. I can't remember from one minute to the next.... My fear is, how long can an employer last this way........hopefully, I will get clearer before their generosity wanes...you know?

Thanks for the compliment on the sketch, while my is artistically inclined, he did use one of the computer enhancers to do the sketch, so he had so help that way! I still love it though.

The Lord has blessed me with a certain peace, in knowing why Cory did this, and we understand it.........we can never be mad at him, his heart was just too big for his body, and it was so fragile, and tender.    We know why he did it.....and can even support him in his decision, if that makes any sense.

On a spiritual level, as to why God allowed this to happen? God has revealed that to me as well........no one else understands it at this point, and I'm not free to speak it,  but it has been confirmed to me and I feel a gratefulness in that I have been allowed to know.......gratefulness at our Lord's mercy and love.......

I know that having these answers will not remove the pain and the longing to hold hi one more time, to look into his beautiful brown eyes and tell him how much I love him........but knowing that he has perfect love and peace now is a comfort.

[daniellemom]

Yesterday at church we had our Memorial Day Service.  I lite the candles for you all and said your children's name.  Claudia, for her son Joey, Sal for her son Joshua, Terry for her daughter Kristy.  Rody for her two sons and Cory's Mom for Cory, Patti for Big Mike and of course for my Baby Danielle and Samantha.  After the service we sent balloons off.  It was very nice.  I don't think I've said that much about Samantha, she was Danielle's best friend from Kindergarden until their deaths.  Sam passed away 8 months before Danielle from a heart condition that we were not aware of until about 3 months before she passed.  The doctors never lead us to believe that she could not live a long life with her condition and even said it might heal itself.  She had an enlarged heart.  Sam's mother and I are very close to, because of the girls if they were not at my house they were at hers.  We car pool to work together and have for about 3 years now. 

Cory's Mom, 

I'm glad you had a nice day on Saturday and that you have found peace and understanding for what has happened.

 

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lovekristy4ever]

Sonya,

Thank you so much for lighting a candle for Kristy.  It means a lot to me. 

I give you a lot of credit.  I'm not sure I could get up there without crying my eyes out.  I went to church yesterday and as I was leaving the preacher came up to us and asked us if there was anything they could do.  I just said no but thank you as I cried and left quickly.   Again, I thank you for your kindness.

Love,

Terry

[misshimstill]

Hi, everyone!  Yes, I'm still around.  I just got an email from Claudia today and decided to get on and read and write.  I'm saddened to read of the struggles all of you deal with every day.  Life is really hard, and it's even harder when people have to deal with loss and grief. 

As Claudia said, I'm struggling again with insomnia.  It started up just after Lamar's and my anniversary.  I "sailed" through that week better than any so far, but got hit the next week.  I just think there will always be struggles like this as long as we are on this earth.  It just makes us cling even more desperately to Jesus! 

I have read a lot about Heaven in these past years.  I noticed that you were talking about that several pages back - about whether our loved ones are in Heaven now or just "soul sleeping" or whatever form they may have now.  I have loved to read Randy Alcorn's book called "Heaven".  Piper and others, also.  Alcorn offers a few new thoughts on what Heaven will be like that have been interesting for me to think about.  Whatever "form" our loved ones may have now, with a body or without, waiting to be clothed with their resurrection body, we can know that they are in a wonderful place, in the very presence of the Lord, happy and without pain and sadness.  This is a great comfort to me, as I know it is to all of you.

I may not get on and post here often, but know that I think of all of you often and continue to lift you up in prayer.  The Lord, I know, has a special place in his heart for grieving people.  It has always given me special comfort to know that He feels my pain and longs to draw close to me and comfort me.  He does for all of us. 

May all of you feel the comforting presence of the Lord each day and night.  ~Oneta

[no40corysmom]

sonya, i too want to thank you for lighting one for Cory.......I lit one for him here on this site.....but haven't even been able to forward it yet to friends and family......

 

Julie

[wyomingsal]

It is good to hear from you Oneta.    The topic of Heaven is so interesting and yet it is all conjecture except for the knowledge that our loved ones are with Jesus in Heaven and are experience something better then they had here.  We will have to be content with that knowledge until the day we get to join them and experience it for ourselve.

Yes, thank you Sonya for lighting the candles.    It means alot to know others hear about and remember our children.

I am thinking about us all today on Memorial Day.  We are having a rainy dreary day...no barbeque and I am still debating whether to swing by the graveyard today or not.  But this day makes me think of my boy and all the others who have lost loved ones.  I saw an add on tv for some Memorial Day sale.  I thought how disrespectful to be worried about buying stuff on a day set apart to remember our soldiers who died in action...  And for us who have lost children even though it wasn't as a soldier.  Who cares about shopping when we should be remembering and honoring.   Ok, so last year it wouldn't have even phased me.  I would have been glad for a day off of work and been looking forwards to some fun.  How are perspectives change when we know the pain of true seperation from one so dear as our own child.  A part of ourselves (kind of trinity like).  One family but many parts and each is so dear and intergral to our own self. 

Blessings,

Sal

 

[no40corysmom]

ok, now my world is reeling even more out of control.......my husband cried out tonight........he wants to join Cory.  He had a knife......my older daughter intercepted.  She made him promise not to............our younger daugher made him promise not to............we are going to counseling tomorrow...........serious prayer is needed here....

[wyomingsal]

Oh Cory's Mom,

I ask God's protection around your husband tonight and through the coming days as the feelings of hurt and pain are overwhelming him.  God, grant him comfot.  His heart is breaking and he can't see an end to this pain.  Bring people to support him round the clock if necessary.  Let him weep and pour out his tears and grieve.  We know you are there with him and will comfort him.  God, I ask your wisdom for Cory's Mom and family.  Strengthen them and allow them to be refilled over and over again with your comfort and love.  Daughters should not lose their brother.  Daughters should not have to worry for the safety of their father.  I ask oh Lord your kindess and love and protection around this family.  Your will be done in their lives.  Your body of believers on earth to come and hold this family up in their time of need.  Give them the assurance that You are real and all things will work together for the good of those that believe and are called according to Your purpose.  Give the assurance that Cory is happy and rejoicing in your presence.  Give them faith like they have never know before and hope.  We love you Lord.  We know you answer each prayer.  Please take care of this precious family, 

In Your precious name Jesus,

Amen.

[lovekristy4ever]

Oneta,

I am reading that book on Heaven now.  I am kinda skipping around as I am reading it since I was looking for certain answers.  It is interesting to read but it comforts me to know our children are happy and we will see them again either in heaven or on New Earth. 

Cory's mom,

I am praying for your family.  My heart goes out to you and your family right now, you are having such a difficult time.  

Terry 

[daniellemom]

Oneta,

So glad to see you are posting again, I sure hope that sleep will come easy for you soon.  Your post are so helpful to me, I hope to see you posting again on a regular bases.

Cory's Mom

I will be in continueous pray for your whole family.  I'm so sorry your husband is having such a hard time right now.  I pray that the counseling will help him be able to open up and have his feelings and realize that he is needed here to help you and the girl with the loss of Cory.

You are all so welcome I was so glad I was able to say your children's name and let others know about them.

Love and prayers,

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Sonya, I too give thanks for you and for your beautiful heart to have included our children in such a special and sacred moment.  Bless you!

Julie, I as well am praying for your husband, you, your daughters--your family.  I will be on a scouting tour tomorrow in an area I have not visited before.  I will ask my partners in ministry to help me lift you up in prayer as we journey the day together.

Father God, please deliver this family out of the bondage of despair.  Please pour your mercy and favor upon them, Lord, and bless them with steadfast faith in You and your promise of eternity.  Protect them and keep them, and carry Cory's father through the valley tonight, tomorrow and onward, Abba Father.  In Jesus precious and holy name, Amen!

Blessings and much love, Claudia

 

[msroderskie]

Cory's Mom - I join in prayer with everyone else for you and your family.  It is so natural to want to go be with our children when they've gone to heaven ahead of us.  Yet that would cause so much more pain.  Lord, reign over the entire situation with Cory's family - Your will be done Father. Pour out spiritual blessings upon them please Lord.  Let the sense of desperation be swallowed up on peace and trust in You.  We ask in Jesus name that You carry this family beyond despair Lord. 

Sonya, thank you so much for lighting the candles and mentioning my sons too.  It's a blessing to the rest of us, and I know it must have blessed your heart also. 

Oneta, it's good to see your post.  I hope you keep coming back.  That book on Heaven is so uplifting, I think.  It gives you a lot to think about.

Love in Christ to all,  Rody 

[misshimstill]

Hi, everyone!  I appreciate all the nice things said to me about my having been gone for a while.  Some evenings when I would ordinarily post, I was just so tired from lack of sleep that I decided to try to get some sleep rather than writing.  (Besides, my mind was so fuzzy from lack of sleep, I couldn't get my thoughts together enough to write anything.)  But I've been doing better the last few nights.  I appreciate everyone's prayers for that.

Cory's mom:  I add my sympathy with everyone else's.  It's hard enough to have sustained the loss you have without the added worries about your husband.  Everyone is right that he's just grieving, but I know it puts more stress and worry on the rest of the family.  I'm glad you're getting counseling.  Some people need it more than others to figure this thing called "grief" out and to learn to adjust to life without the one you have lost and that everyone is missing so much. 

I, myself, just called a counselor today to set up some counseling.  Through my friend, Cheryl, I've been directed by the man who leads her grief group to contact the hospice here in Austin, who in turn directed me to some therapists who deal with "complicated" grief caused by years of repression.  Most of you are sort of familiar with my story.  I've been dealing with the surfacing of long-suppressed grief for nearly 5 years and have done fairly well without professional counseling, but since I've been encouraged to seek out some professional help, I feel it would be wise to do that.  I'm hoping it will not be long-term, but whatever it is, is.  So be it.

The book "Heaven" (Randy Alcorn)... I almost forgot to mention this.  If you're reading it hit and miss, that's what I did, too.  I've actually picked it up and read parts of it a number of different times, concentrating on the parts that meant the most to me at the time.  I have read the whole thing once, but at first I just read bits and pieces of it.  I mention it only because, as someone said, no one really knows what Heaven is like, but with our special interest in it because that's where our darling loved one is now, parts of it have maybe more interest for us than other parts.  (My husband is particularly interested in the idea of coffee in heaven since he loves it so!! ).  But seriously, it is an excellent book in my opinion, and I would highly recommend it to anyone. 

I add my prayers to those of all of you for all of us who have been on this thread and the new ones who have joined, too.  Even if I'm not around off and on, please know that you all are often in my thoughts and prayers.  I never forget you or forget to pray for you.  We're holding up each other's hands and praying hedges of protection around one another, which is sooooo important. 

Love to all,

Oneta

[fujismum]

Hello to everyone again. Forgive me for just dipping in to this site now and then, but I do think of you all and try to keep up with things a little on the site even if I don't actively write.

We are up to our necks in work on our extension and every daylight hour when we are home from work is spent on it, hence the silence from me! All the time we feel bewildered as to why we are doing this, our family has sadly got smaller yet our house is getting bigger. What is all this about? we just have to trust that God has plans for this that we are not yet aware of and we want to be open to Him.

Yesterday we put Jamie's little bed on the skip and there it sits in the heavy rain. That was a difficult moment and after agonising  about what to do, it was Tim our son who made the decision to get rid of it.So often he takes the lead and we gladly follow.

 And it sits there in the rain reminding me that Jamie is never coming back.

Claudia I did send you a private email some weeks ago with my contact details on it, I guess you never got it.

I too read the Heaven book, it helps me a lot and makes our beliefs a bit more tangible somehow. I also have a flip calandar with a page a day of quotes from the book next to Jamies photo.As mums especially whose life time job is to look after our children it is so hard to let go and trust them to God's keeping, and the need to know exactly where they are is very urgent.Asleep in Christ - in Heaven- with God- it's all a bit too vague now when it comes to our precious ones. On a bad day I get stuck in thinking that my reality is we buried Jamie and there he lays in the cold earth. Faith can be hard to hold on to at these times. On a good day I just accept that Jamie is safe with God wherever that is, and he's OK.

This journey is tough isn't it? I feel 19months on it just does not get any easier sorry to say. yes there is a certain amount of getting used to feeling this way and maybe some of the shock is wearing off. It's a new life for us all and I cannot imagine feeling real joy or happiness ever again in this life.

We head towards a court case in July when Jamie's best friend is being prosecuted for causing his death by dangerous driving. We all dread going through the courts and having to hear all the details, and as a family we do not feel that Dan was responsible for Jamie's death that night. We do not want to see him go to prison.In the UK this charge caries a 14 year prison sentence. Dan held our child in his arms that night of the accident -as it happened in a lonely place before help could get to them.He has gone through enough and at 17  he has to live with images that we have been spared. I know this is very different from some of you who quite rightly want justice for the death of a child when someone else is to blame. We are in a very different situation here and feel that this prosecution is completely uncalled for, but it is not our decision to make and so we have to go through it.

Sorry to be so raw and random. Just want to update you and say I don't forget you all.

Love Anne

[4everjoeysmom]

Anne, "Raw and Random"...  That really caught my attention.  I think that's how I think and feel so much of the time anymore, raw and random.

I could imagine, as you described the changes to your home and having it be time to put out Jamie's bed, how sad that truly must have been to see his little bed out in the rain--a terrible and tragic reminder that he indeed is not coming back.  It's so sad as we go on living, the things that surface from time to time through our life and grief journey that amount to one more reminder, one more tear, one more reason to cling to our faith and hope...

Anne, I think about you too quite often, and I am really glad that you posted!  Hugs to you and prayers for you and your family as you continue to dive into change.

Oneta, I hope that counselor is able to help you break through some of the barriers that weigh you in the long-supressed and complicated grief.  I am praying for you as well...  Much love, Claudia

[grannyc]

((Hi Friends))

Don't forget, I know this is set up for loss of child, but you do have widows on board, too.  We need a Christian support area, too.  And our life's partner after 20's and 30's years together are gone and we to are left lost in this terrible valley.

This thread has SO helped me and others.  I have connected through here with a couple other widows, who I daily keep in  touch with through my home e-mail.  They have been my life lines in the past months.....So, let us not put God in a box....He can move mightily through this thread when we least expect it.

God Bless Each of You!   And, Claudia, I know you know, when we stand firm, we get the most resistance.   Hang in there, I appreciate you and am praying for you!

Sincerely, Cheryl   :?

[no40corysmom]

Cheryl, you are right.......God can use many different means and ways through which to work, I'm glad you are blessed by the many on this thread, I know I find great comfort here......

Yesterday it was only one month since Cory left.  It feels like an eternity.......

I have a new appreciation of how our Father's heart breaks now, when one of His children rejects His love and walks away from it..........or even when his love is not enough for any of us.....us - speaking generally - . Now I understand how sad he really is........

[4everjoeysmom]

Cheryl,  My dear Sister and friend, I hope you know that you are ALWAYS welcome in this family/thread.  You are so loved!!!  Bless you and thank you for your words of encouragement,

Cory's Mom, Yes!  I do believe the heartbreak of losing a child does give us a very personal and purposeful insight into The Father's love for us.  One month...  I can imagine a little bit of the numbness must be wearing away...  Please know we are here for you...   HUGS and PRAYERS, Claudia

[survivor22]

Hi Rody, I am greiving the loss of two sons and I Claudia told me that you were on here and that you also had lost two sons. I lost Paul to suicide on June 2 2006, two years this Monday and then I lost Scotty Oct 10th, last year, to an accidental prescription drug overdose. I thought maybe it would help to know someone who has also lost two children. Carolyn

[msroderskie]

Hello everyone,

I don't have a great deal of time to post, after a long exhausting weekend of helping grandchildren and catching up on gardening chores.  But I have to write something, especially in reply to you Carolyn. 

Yes, I have lost two sons and I'm so sorry to hear that you have experienced the same.  There was nearly two years between my sons' deaths, Phil died in a car accident/drowning in March 2001, then his brother Matt killed himself in grief and depression over Phil, just short of the second anniversary of Phil's accident.  It's unbelievably numbing to go through this kind of tragedy twice.   You hadn't begun to really cope fully with the first loss when you were hit with the same horror again.  If the first loss of a child feels like an unreal nightmare, the loss of a second feels like going through the repeat nightmare and awaking on a different planet.  I find that the faith God has put in my heart and soul, faith in the saving atonement of Christ, is the only thing that keeps me functioning and basically sane.  God seems to have made me strong to face the initial shocks and stronger as time has marched on.  Yet there are many times when I feel I have not fully grasped how horrible this has been, as if I still have not been able to plumb the depths of these griefs, even after several years.

Do you feel that you are quite numb Carolyn?  Do you feel that you have to choose which son to grieve for at any given time?  I hope that you are finding all the strength peace, comfort and assurance that you need in Jesus.  Please post more and let us know how you are doing.  There are so many real Christians here who do care in truth, and who will talk about faith while realistically facing our loss and pain. 

Anne and Oneta, it was great to see your recent posts.  I hope your renovation is going well Anne.  Oneta, I'll pray that you'll find the right counselor.  Sometimes it can be a challenge to find a good counselor who is right for you.  I identify with your complex grief issues for the reasons I already discussed.   Love in Christ, Rody

[no40corysmom]

My elder daughter got engaged the same day we lost Cory....it was so difficult for me.  Now they have set a wedding date, they are trying to move forward with their joy, and I understand that.......I'm having a very hard time being happy....

Also, I have to come up with thousands of dollars I do not have.....my husband just told me me and my younger daughter will have to sell our horses.  I just want to cry........

[4everjoeysmom]

Cory's Mom, Ugh!  I'm so sorry for this added stress you are facing.  I don't understand this social issue of expensive weddings and bride's family having to pay for the bulk of it.  My son has already faced the fact that when he gets married he will be financing his wedding, because her parents don't have money and I certainly don't.  His dad may help some by having the reception at the ranch--lots of room and a perfect place.  I'm so sorry that such a happy event has to cause so much stress and expense for you...  Hugs, Claudia

[misshimstill]

Hello, everyone.  I'm back from my first therapy session. 

I just read your post, Cory's mom, about your daughter's engagement and your mixed feelings.  I can identify some with that - different circumstances that we all have, but in some way the same.  Grief is the same, and trying to be happy for your daughter while continuing to work through your own grief, plus the worries about the expense -- it's enough to send a sane person over the edge, isn't it? 

Carolyn, I add my voice to the others here to express my sympathy.  Two deaths at once is hard enough.  When it's two children, how much harder that is!  There are so many issues that you face with this, as you well know, or are beginning to learn.  I hope you come back and post often.  It really does help to talk to others who have some idea, even if they don't know exactly, what you're feeling and issues you are having to deal with.

My first therapy session went well.  It took the whole first session just to tell my story and try to express in some kind of coherent fashion what I'm hoping to get from therapy.  I told her that I would have come sooner, but when I had tried to google complicated grief counselors in Austin, there were none.  She did give me some ideas to think on and a brief comment on how such strong feelings of love as I am feeling now for Lamar could have been suppressed to begin with.  It basically boils down to the power of the mind over tragic circumstances and our ability to "paint" our own life story to some degree, partly true, partly fantasy.  I guess we all do it to some extent, but I think mine is a bit over the line of where most people go with their "fantasy life".  I told her at the very beginning - sort of with a smile (a person has to have some humor in life) - that I know my grief is what they call "pathologic", by which they mean "not healthy" in contrast to someone who grieves in such a way as to reach a healthy "resolution" of their grief.  So we'll see.  Have my first followup appointment with her next Monday.  She said she thought she could help me.  Time will tell (at $95 bucks per session!).  Hope she fixes me fast 'cause I sure don't have thousands just laying around to pay for this! 

God be with each of you and bring His comfort to your hearts!

~Oneta

[no40corysmom]

[user=16030]4everjoeysmom[/user] wrote:

Cory's Mom, Ugh!  I'm so sorry for this added stress you are facing.  I don't understand this social issue of expensive weddings and bride's family having to pay for the bulk of it.  My son has already faced the fact that when he gets married he will be financing his wedding, because her parents don't have money and I certainly don't.  His dad may help some by having the reception at the ranch--lots of room and a perfect place.  I'm so sorry that such a happy event has to cause so much stress and expense for you...  Hugs, Claudia

it is also that my husband is getting his bonus in a few weeks, and there should be plenty there ......but he chooses to pay it on debt.  I don't know what is right and what is wrong...my whole world is upside down.

[4everjoeysmom]

Cory's Mom, I don't know that there actually is a right or wrong in any of this--the grief, the mixed emotions, expectations, how to apply funds, etc and the list goes on.  It's just that it is so overwhelming, like Oneta was saying.  All we can do here is pray for you and be here when you need to come for support and understanding, and I so wishit could be enough.  Try to take some very deep and cleansing breaths often--very often.  When I feel overwhelmed it helps in the moments when I feel like my chest will explode.  Big Hugs, Claudia

[fujismum]

Hi all,

I have had a difficult week when the overwhelming grief has hit me like a rail truck and I have felt as bad as I ever have since we lost Jamie. I guess these huge waves will come along from time to time for each one of us. As we fight to get some stability and "new normality"  ann we might even  get a glimpse of being almost OKish and then wham! grief knocks us down again. I feel so rough I am going to get a doctors appointment, I think maybe 21 months on I am finally cracking up and need some sort of help. But in my heart I know there is no cure for this, nothing can take away the pain can it. If I didn't have a faith and hope I would have given up long ago.

    My heart breaks at the thought of coping with the loss of two children.That is a horror I cannot bear to imagine, so my heart truly goes out to those of you who are somehow surviving that level of anguish.

Sorry to be miserable:( but some times that's just how it is. Love to all.

Anne

[4everjoeysmom]

Anne, I don't know about coincidence, but I kind of fell apart at 20-21 months too.  It seemed to last a few weeks..really down in a heavy funk.  But if it brings you some peace of mind, comfort, or hope, I did get better and am feeling pretty good and strong for the time being.  I will say a special prayer for you in hoping the Lord will pick you up out of the valley very soon and show you the light of the mountain peak...  Do you think the remodel changes to your home are causing some of your deeper sadness?  Or os that helping you any?  I've been thinking of you and wondering how that's coming along.

Sending you BIG HUGS and hoping for brighter tomorrows...  Love, Claudia

 

[msroderskie]

Anne,  You said, "sorry to be miserable, but sometimes that's just the way it is."  A big Amen! to that.  It is true that waves of grief can overcome you and you can't really predict when or what may have triggered that wave.  Thank you so much for your thought, in the midst of your pain, for those of us who've lost more than one child.  To me your thinking that way is a big indication of how much God is working in you.  He is there with us, in the times when we can "sense" His presence and in the times when we can't.  What a gracious sign of God's love in your heart that when you feel like you're "cracking up" you are also thinking of others. 

It's been an incredibly busy time for many of us I suppose, and that's why there have not been a lot of posts on this thread in the last week or so. Yesterday and today I spent nearly all my time in the hospital helping take care of my granddaughter who had an emergency appendectomy yesterday afternoon.  She's twelve years old and everything went well, except that she's not very stoic.  At least she no longer fights tooth and nail to keep the nurses away, as she did when she was small!   It was difficult to be in the emergency room, because they placed her in the very room where my son was worked on the night he drowned.  Over the years since Phil died we have had to go to emergency at this local (small town) hospital various times, and on a couple occasions have asked to be moved to a different room whenever they led us to that one.  But yesterday there was no where else to put her, so we had to wait in that room of bad memories.  I got through it with a little teariness and at least Bethany was on the opposite side of the room from where they worked on Phil, so I tried not to look in that direction.  This got us all talking about our memories of Phil and Matt, and that was good in some ways.  At that same hospital I was blessed with three of my four children.  But going there in recent years has naturally brought out the dark memories

Father God in Jesus name, please help Anne to use all the tools You've blessed her with to deal with her grief, including the doctor, meds or whatever is best for her.  Please help her to feel Your sure presence with her and to be reminded of Your incredible love for her and for her family.  Please help Anne feel the reality of the fact that You are her strong tower, her Good Shepherd, and her Rock.   And Lord I ask that You'll help all of us here on this thread to walk by Your Spirit, trusting You completely for our every need, especially our deep emotional needs.  Let our lives be lived as closely as possible to Your perfect will, and to Your glory.  Amen.

Love to you all in Christ, Rody

[no40corysmom]

Amen, amen and amen!!

[lovekristy4ever]

Hi Anne,

I hope you days improve.  I'm sorry you are having a bad time.  I get daily e-mails from "Griefshare" and decided to copy a part of today's message:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. . . . So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:16, 18).

Thank you, God, that I don't have to strive in my journey, because You have already provided the grace I need to make it. Amen.

Hugs,

Terry

[4everjoeysmom]

Such beautiful and needed prayers...  Amen!!

I am sitting here listening to a song called Saturdays by Seventh Day Slumber (Christian Alternative Rock group).  It speaks so much of how I feel about God and about losing my son.  If anyone gets a chance, listen and share what you think...  probably can find it through a google search.

I have been working very hard to prepare for a group of 20 arriving tomorrow.  It's a missionary team working with us this week doing home water filtration system installs and a dental clinic (2 seperate projects/one group).  I'll be doing the cooking w/ some hired help as well.  I have been working solo this past week and weekend cleaning, gardening, etc, and though I am physically getting a workout, it feels pretty good.  SO, I will likely not be posting much or at all for the week, but I want to send love, thoughts and prayers to all of you, my sisters and friends.

Big Hugs, Claudia

 

[fujismum]

Rody thank you so much for your encouraging words and the lovely prayer. I love the way you do that! And Claudia, as always you respond personally and support me too.

I did go to the doctors yesterday.Together with my boss we have agreed for me to do reduced hours for the next six weeks.This takes me to the end of term in the UK and then we immediately start the Trial.I hope it will help me to gather strength for this and keep me going at work too.

I feel I've been handed a lifeline.Thank you God!

No meds were suggested or even discussed.She offered to run tests for my aches and pains but I really do believe they are a manifestation of grief and exhaustion, not illness.I feel that I run on "empty" but at least now I hope I  can continue with work- which I love and gives me a reason to get up in the morning,but at a pace which I can better cope with.

The changes in the house, Jamie's birthday coming up fast on 1st July, Trial starts 21st July and the two year anniversary Sept 1st are all looming on the horizon, so I suppose it's no wonder I am struggling.

Thank you for listening.Claudia I hope you cope Ok with such a busy week.

Everyone else who is reading but not often posting - love to you all.

Anne

[fujismum]

Terry,

 The words you shared from your daily messgae were very apt, thank you for posting them and for caring so much.

Love Anne

[wyomingsal]

Good morning to everyone.  I have not been on much in the last week or two.   I need to get my focus back on the Lord.    I found out about a site called Facebook  and my... it can be addicting.  Two of my sisters are on it and I found some of my highschool friends on it.  One is an atheist and has been since I knew him.  I pray for him every so often and have wondered about him so it was neat to see what he is doing..  Now I have to renew my prayer efforts.      It is weird how I can distract myself from reality by just vegging in a site like that.  I couldn't for a long time after Joshua died.  I couldn't even watch tv or read a book for "fun" when my boy wasn't with me.  Do you ever feel guilty for enjoying yourself? 

I could use some prayer for my husband today.  He has had some medication changes and is really feeling panicky today.  I feel uncomfortable going to work and leaving the children with him when he is feeling like this.  My step son is 18 and will be home as well but I know Jeff is not in the state of mind to focus on the kids. 

May God's grace be sufficient for each of us today.

Sal

[daniellemom]

Sal,

I've already prayed for Jeff, that the medication will work to his advantage. I'm glad that you can veg out on things now. I do sometimes feel bad about having fun and enjoying myself, but then I think Danielle was fun loving and was always the life of the party so when I feel down about having fun I smile a little bigger for her! I know the day was not planned off but I do hope you have a nice relaxing day from work.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[wyomingsal]

Thank you Sonya for your prayers.  It is so hard for me sometimes to know what is a spiritual attack verses a body health issue with brain chemistry.  I wish Claudia's husband were here to discern for me.    I actually did go to work today and I am hoping and praying that things will go well for Jeff at home.  I was promoted at work and am taking next week off for our Vacation Bible School so I really didn't want to take off from work today.  I know God has everything under control even when I don't.   

I have been thinking about all of our precious children called home to God's Kingdom.  What joy to be sent for to come to God's personal table and to bask in His presence.  To be personally called to service in the Kings court.  He alone is worthy and yet Danielle and Josh and all the other precious children from this site know that amazing privilage.  It is a privalege to be called home so soon and so young.  A great honor.  May God help us to keep our eyes on that joy rather then our own sorrows. 

Sal

[daniellemom]

Sal,

you are so right that our kids won the prize!! They are really at home! I hope and pray that your day is wonderful and that Jeff meds get straighten out quickly. Also, congrats on the promotion!! Great job!

Sonya

[daniellemom]

All,

Could you please say a prayer for me this weekend Saturday. My son James will be graduating from High School and I'm sure we will all be a little sad and missing Danielle on his special day, they were so close and she was really excited about him graduating.

Sonya

[lovekristy4ever]

Sal - I will make sure I say a prayer for your husband.  I can hear your worry in your words.  I wish you peace also.

Sonya - Of course I will pray for you.   I know you have said many prayers for me already and I know it will be difficult for you.  It's funny it seems like every possible joy in life now will be "bittersweet" only because our children are not with us.

[no40corysmom]

[user=19815]lovekristy4ever[/user] wrote:

Sal - I will make sure I say a prayer for your husband.  I can hear your worry in your words.  I wish you peace also.

Sonya - Of course I will pray for you.   I know you have said many prayers for me already and I know it will be difficult for you.  It's funny it seems like every possible joy in life now will be "bittersweet" only because our children are not with us.

that is so true......even while I feel the Father's peace taking hold of me, it remains bitter sweet.....each new day, brings another *normal* experience that is now new, because Cory's not here with us.....so it's different.......;(

 

 

[lagrangel]

It has been awhile since I posted.  I have had several bad days since school is out and I am not working... To much time on my hands...... This is the first summer without my son and not working full time has really hit me.  Working during school kept my mind busy but since school is out I have had a very difficult time. Trying to keep busy with projects at home but difficult to stay motivated. Many days I just sleep till 10:00 or 11:00 just to get half my day over with..... I had always looked forward to the summer off of school but not anymore...... I did go on a cruise to Alaska after school was out but on the way home it hit me hard going back home to reality again.... does it ever get better? I broke down on the phone the other day to  my mother and told her I don't know if I can do this for the next 20 years. It has been 9 months since losing Brent and sometimes I feel it is even harder than before. I pray for the Lord to get me through another day but the hurt just seems so overwhelming at times......  My husband just keeps saying just remember Brent is just ahead of us being with the Lord just like he loved to play Putt Putt always several holes ahead of us.  He is just ahead of us..... but the hurt of not seeing him or having his super hugs just makes it so unbearable at times..... Please keep me in your prayers that I can make it through the summer until school starts in August again.  Lana 

[fujismum]

Oh Lana, how we all feel for you. I understand the long break from school is difficult to face as I also face a long summer break. Before it was such a welcome break from work, time to spend at home and do family stuff. Now home just doesn't ever feel right without our darling sonsand daughters, and it can be a hard place to be. Remember 9 months is such a very short time and now the shock is truly wearing off you may expect to go downhill.It all hurts so much. Don't worry about sleeping in, maybe your body needs the extra rest, and yep!  it does take care of a few more hours that are so painful to fill. Hang on in there. Take it one day at a time, don't look too far ahead. God will get you through- keep asking Him for his comfort. Get outside, feel the sun, the rain even if you don't enjoy it. Walk, rest,read, do what you feel able to and don't feel guilty and don't put any pressure on yourself.I've missed reading your posts, so good to hear from you.

Sonya , all these family events are now so hard to celebrate. Facing them without the whole family there - gosh it hurts. Try to focus on James and his special day, remember Danielle is with you all in your hearts. Take something along of hers. Maybe a locket with a photo or something tucked in your bag?Then she is there with you in a tangible way as well as in your every thought.Tough, tough days to get through. Let us know how it goes.

Sal, just to add my prayers about your husband. I cannot imagine how you cope with all that you do, but I know you are strong and God is with you. Your words and prayers are inspirational. God bless you sweetheart.

Tell me, is it Father's day this weekend for you all too? Another hard one to get through.One less card for dad - it is so painfully evident. And when there is only one child left, like in my case, they have to plan everything alone.No sharing of plans and surprises.it is so hard for them too.

Much love Anne

[daniellemom]

All

Thank you all for the prayers. And the advise. I carry Danielle's car keys and lip gloss in my bag always and have a picture. I also wear her shoes, she is still with us all.

I'm sure it's hard for you that have the summer off, I know it's harder on me when I just take one day off from work. You both are so right in we all need to take this one day at a time, one minute. I like the putt-putt example. Danielle was always a couple of steps ahead of us in everything she did and all of our children, Cory, Brent, Jamie, Kristy, Joey, Josh, all beat us to the punch.

Sal, How is your husband coming along?

Love and prayers

Sonya

[no40corysmom]

Danielle was always a couple of steps ahead of us in everything she did and all of our children, Cory, Brent, Jamie,

 

You know, it was like a couple days after Cory left us, that we were in the car, my daughter, husband and me, playing worship music...and when "I Can Only Imagine" came on.....my daughter and I could not help but be a tad jealous cause Cory doesn't have to imagine anymore!!! He already knows........

[wyomingsal]

Jeff (my husband) is doing a little better today.  It is always a struggle with the bipolar to know what mood he will be in.  We made an appointment with a new psych doc for him but he can't get in until July 17th.  His primary doc just doesn't know what to do for him in a crisis.  Mental illness is another one of those horrible things about life that we can't and don't understand.  Just like I wish with all my heart I could have my boy, Joshua,  walk in the door and say it was all a horrible mistake.  It was somebody else who drowned not me.  I'm home now and everything is ok.  I wish the mental illness would just be gone from my family.  God can take it a way....why doesn't He?  He is good and knows the answers and why this has to be.  I just don't understand now.  But I will continue to praise God Almighty and know that "all things (do) work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose."  Your will Lord, not mine, be done!

Love in Christ,

Sal

[wyomingsal]

Lana,

9 months seems forever to live without your child.  Here I am coming on 11 months and can't believe I have lived almost a year without my boy.  It truly is horrible to live without our wonderful children present in our lives.  It seems like I spent last month taking a little break from grieving.  Avoidance.  Don't want to think to much about the absence of my boy.  The last few days have brought many thoughts and tears again.  Imagining how wonderful it would be if he would just walk through the door like nothing happened.   I think the pain can still hit as hard as the beginning without maybe all the shock and disbelief.  The disbelief still hits me sometimes in the pit of my stomach.   My prayers for you dear Lana are that you will experience God's comfort and peace.  His assurance that your sweet Brent is happy and waiting to see you in eternity.

Love Sally

[fujismum]

I loved the putt putt example too. It really clicked with me as Jamie too liked to do stuff ahead of us all.He was always in a hurry. A friend told me that she can just imagine when we get to heaven Jamie will be there grabbing our arms to drag us in and desperate to show us round all the   sights of his new home. I often think of that. In a way we are priviliged because when we die we will be met by our gorgous children who will be so excited to welcome us into our new home, never to be parted again.

"I can only imagine" is a wonderful song.Jamie loved it too. He and his big brother used to play it at home often, they are/were very  musical and can play guitar/piano and drums and they would leap around from instrument to instrument  playing these kind of worship songs. How I miss that. Tim still plays but alone. My husband and I struggle to play any instruments.Music especially worship music is played from the heart and when the heart is broken .........it just doesn't seem to be possible yet for us.

I always know when Tim is struggling because he sits and plays straight off all the worship songs we had at Jamie's service. It's a good outlet for his pain I guess, but heartbreaking to hear.

Hang on in there Sal. We all wonder why about stuff don't we? Why did we lose our children.Why do we suffer mental illness? Why has God allowed us to go through such pain? One day we will know, 'til then we have to accept the mystery. Easier said than done though.

[no40corysmom]

Worship music is about all I can listen to.......I can't listen to the radio cause I hear all the songs he liked......and it makes me cry. 

This was sent to me by a friend of mine:

 

“Don’t try to be strong, Julie, for you are weak, which allows Me to be strong through you.  I promise to never leave or forsake you, and, I mean this.  I am with you in this fire… I AM.  Yes, I am the great I AM. 

 18 While he was still speaking, another messenger arrived with this news: “Your sons and daughters were feasting in their oldest brother’s home. 19 Suddenly, a powerful wind swept in from the wilderness and hit the house on all sides. The house collapsed, and all your children are dead. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

 20 Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. (Job 1:18-20)

Yes, I am the great I AM.   Worship Me.   Adore Me.  Praise Me.  You will not feel like it, but fall on your knees and worship Me.  Then, you will Know Me… Healing will come as you worship Me.  I am with you.  I AM.”

I will leave you with a song that touches my heart everytime I hear it. 

When clouds and sun and disaster comes

‘Oh my soul, Oh my soul

When waters rise, and hope takes flight

Oh my soul, Oh my soul, Oh my soul

Ever faithful ever true

You are known, you never let go

You never let go, You never let go

When clouds brought rain

And disaster came, oh my soul, oh my soul

When waters rose, and hope had flown

Oh my soul, oh my soul, oh my soul

Ever faithful ever true

You are known, you never let go

You never let go, You never let go, You never let

Oh my soul overflows

Oh what love, Oh what love

Oh my soul fills with hope

Perfect love that never lets go

 

I am trying to take a new approach at life here now....when I feel like crying and am down, I praise God .......I praise Him the best way that I can.

Also  another thing keeps helping me.  When I lay in bed and am trying to fall asleep, but I can't because of my sadness and I am crying, the Holy Spirit whispers into my ear....that my pain, deep as it is for me, is so miniscule in comparison to Jesus' pain as He died for us... the billions of people's pain and sorrow He took on for us.....some how, getting a glimpse of how He suffered for us, eases  my pain......and peace comes over me......and I can sleep. 

Then I get to go over it again.....and again.  So  I will praise His name