Realization

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Hoping the rest of this winter turns out to be a mild one. 

You and me both!  I need it this year.

[KayC]

 I just learned yesterday that my uncle passed right after my sister Peggy did, no one told our family. Talked to my aunt Jo  yesterday, she cried, married 64 years, she's 82 now, he cheated on her their entire marriage, leaving her to feel some kind of way.  I told her that's on him, not her, she was a good wife!  It's appalling.  He may have been my uncle, but she's my aunt, blood or not.  Him I don't own, although she's too fragile to say so to her.  She raised four kids, now only one left, I know what happened to one of them, never heard a thing about the others dying.  All of us aging now, the one that's left is 60.  It goes so fast.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I just learned yesterday that my uncle passed right after my sister Peggy did, no one told our family. 

KayC,

I am sorry that you weren't informed about your Uncles death. I will never fully understand why some things happen, other than grief is a terrible thing and the brain doesn't function correctly because of it. I am at almost 20 months and my broken brain still doesn't work. I know what it is like to potentially miss out on some sort of closure when someone in the family dies. My Grandmother died and I was not told until many months later, not sure if I would gone though because our relationship was strained to say the least. Also one of my favorite Aunts died and I was not told again until many months later, I may have tried to go for that service though. Both of these deaths, I was informed in a Christmas card, more of an aside than anything else. I am sorry that your Uncle was not the best Husband to your Aunt too, and I do understand the part about blood. When my Uncle died last year, he was my Mother's last sibling and I feel the same way about my Aunt. Take care, John

[KayC]

Yes, I largely listened to her 1 1/2 hours or so, but I did tell her that she'll have times she wants to wring his neck for what he did, and times she'll miss him, and both feelings are valid, even if at the same time!  Such is grief, such are feelings.  My take on feelings are they're neither good nor bad, but something to withstand, and feelings are not facts, just something to get through.  Jo has lived a hard life.  I want someday for her to see there is still a glimmer of life left.  She doesn't have a computer or cellphone.  That she only has one child left out of four has to be hard.

So I've lost my sister, an uncle, and an aunt this year...

[John9]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

So I've lost my sister, an uncle, and an aunt this year...

KayC,

It is really hard when there is so much loss in such a short time. Of course it makes it hard again when the dates come around and constantly remind us that there was so much loss. But if anyone is like me, the reminders are always there. I said it was almost 20 months since my loving wife died, I meant to say it was almost 22 months which by days will be Wednesday. And then Friday is our Anniversary (36th) so not a good week, and then the next Friday is 2 years since my friend died and then......Take care, John

[John9]

On 1/7/2023 at 11:30 AM, Sim7079 said:

I contacted all his family, my family and the friends that I had also had their numbers, but I know there are friends that he had that I didn’t really know and I can’t access his phone - so nothing I can do about that.

Sim7079,

One of my biggest "fears" is running into someone who knew my loving wife, but isn't aware that she died. As I have said she was a pet groomer for over 30 years and many of the clients had stopped seeing her, but they still liked her and would always talk to her when she would run into them in a store. I still have trouble saying that she died when I have to talk about my loving wife and it is almost 22 months. I was on the phone the other day and almost lost it again. Take care, John

[KayC]

John, wow, that is a lot of major events to have reminders of...Praying my dear friend...

I miss my sister Peggy each and every day...a very close loss.  I'm feeling the loss of my Aunt Sue too, she was my favorite of all of my 24 aunts and uncles.  I wish I could go visit her one more time.

 

 

[Sparky1]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

I still have trouble saying that she died when I have to talk about my loving wife

Last week I went to the hospital for a consultation with an orthopedic surgeon regarding my shoulder. I had parked in the first section I found and then had to walk a mile to the other side of the hospital. Let me tell you, being alone it felt like I was going down to the gallows. I get in to the fracture clinic and the receptionist starts asking my personal information for confirmation. Then she asks if my wife was my emergency contact. I paused for a second holding back the rush of emotion and told her she had passed away just over 2 years ago. I was shocked at how it hit me so hard. While I waited to be called in, I could sense my wife sitting beside me in her walker. Some tears did manage to come out, but man was it hard being so alone. I envied the couples that were there together.

 

[Gail 8588]

Sparky,

Your trip to the hospital for a consultation tracks exactly with feelings I have had. 

It does feel like we are walking to our doom when we have to go get something 'checked out'.  We no longer have our partner that would help us get through anything.  Whatever is going to befall us, we will have to face it alone.  It is a rough road to walk. 

Occasionally I still have to explain to someone that John died, whether an old acquaintance that hadn't heard or an office record that needs to be updated. I still tear up, though it has been nearly 6 years. It has gotten easier than in the beginning when I would burst out sobbing, but there is still a rush of emotion I can't control. 

One foot in front of the other is all we can do sometimes.

Good luck with your shoulder.  I hope the doctor can bring you some relief. 

Gail

 

    

[Sparky1]

Thank you Gail. The surgeon suspects it's a frozen shoulder and this guy is top notch. He wants to try an injection guided by x-ray to the exact location of the problem. Every day is excruciating for me, hard to lift my arm, to sleep, to do much of anything. The bad thing is the appointment is in late March. More pills and ointments in the meantime. 

[steveb1]

Hopefully someone cancels their appointment Sparky and you can slide in earlier to get that injection. 
 

steve

[Sparky1]

53 minutes ago, steveb1 said:

Hopefully someone cancels their appointment Sparky and you can slide in earlier to get that injection. 
 

steve

Thanks Steve, that's what I told the doctor, hopefully they do get one. I saw his appointments on his computer, and this guy's jammed. Hopefully he can help me out, don't want to live another 25 years with my good arm in constant pain.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I saw his appointments on his computer, and this guy's jammed.

It only takes one cancellation, I hope you're on his list.  Praying for you, Sparky!  

It does hit us hard when they ask about our ER contact name...I've had my son down for so long I haven't had to go through that in a while, but the first couple of years...

[John9]

Hello all,

I just want to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! So in the Fall, I was notified that the Health Insurance that I receive from Cobra, through my late loving wife's Employer was changing providers AGAIN. I submitted the paperwork as required and the new Insurance was supposed to take effect on January 1 2023. I have received nothing in the mail, or any emails. So since I knew the Provider, I took a chance to attempt to login to their website. The website indicated that I was in the system and I needed to create an account. So I TRIED to create one, and received the message that I had tried too many times and my account was locked. I called the number since it said they were open 24/7. A very friendly person asked for my account information and I said I didn't have it because I never received anything. She said she would have to transfer me to another person who would be able to find out my policy information. The person she transferred me to did find my information, but she said I was actually calling the wrong Division of the company. She took care of me and I explained that I never received anything in the mail. SO she verified my address AND they have the wrong address, someone transposed the numbers in my address. She said that the system wouldn't allow her to change the address and I needed to contact the employer. I am sorry but that is about the most stupid thing I have heard. Someone made an error and I need to contact my late loving wife's employer to have it corrected. I did send an email to the only person I know there and she replied that she created a ticket for someone to contact me. Who knows how long that will be. Our Son called me this morning just as I was getting up to tell me someone hit his car, so now he has to deal with all of the crap that goes with having a car repaired in this crazy world. Hopefully when the Insurance claim is filed there are no parts required because of the supply chain issues, that is always blamed for everything. Sorry this was so long, had to vent. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

John, 

You are totally entitled to scream.  That is insane that they can't correct their clerical error.  They have your correct address on the information you provided them.  You are not wanting to change your address. You just want them to use the address they were provided.   I'd be screaming too!

Sorry about your son's car too.  That is another frustrating bother to have to deal with. 

Not a great start to 2023.  Hope it gets better.

Gail

[Jemiga70]

@John9  John, I get this and I'm right there screaming with you; I only need change the names to my bank or the life insurance company, or a gov't dept.  I'm either tossed into a Catch-22 or a black hole.  Yep - they screw up and we get to fix it.  Going through that right now with my wonderful bank.  It's just incompetence at so many levels so much of the time now, I really am quite shocked. Wow! Guess I needed to vent too.  I hope your son's car issues are the exception and can be a smoother process. You take care,

[KayC]

Oh my gosh, John!  I;m glad your son is okay and it's his car not him that is hurt.  Praying that all comes together.  Does he have car rental on his insurance?  He may need to rent a car while waiting on the repair or beg/borrow from someone.

And the health insurance issue sounds like a horrid catch-22!  They need to give you the info in order to fix the address!  But you can't get the info until they fix it!  I can't believe how insane our world that we have to live with has become!

Praying both you and your son's situations get taken care of soon!!

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

They have your correct address on the information you provided them.  You are not wanting to change your address. You just want them to use the address they were provided.

 

[John9]

KayC,

I contacted my late loving wife's employer, or the only person whose information I had. She filled out a ticket and the person she contacted emailed for me to confirm my address and I did. She then confirmed that they had the correct information and couldn't explain why it was incorrect with the Insurance Company. Personally I believe it was a simple Human error and the person transposed 2 digits in my address, but the person who emailed me from the Insurance Company couldn't understand what I was saying. In the old days a Supervisor would be able to look at something so simple and fix it. The person who is in charge at my loving wife's employer did in fact submit an update and today it was corrected. So hopefully nothing else is wrong because you know there is nothing simple anymore. But no word on our Sons car and what will be involved in getting it fixed, I did tell him that if any parts need to be ordered to see if they can order them before he actually has to leave his car, because I have heard many horror stories about the delays with the supply chain. And if he does have rental coverage it would be limited to a certain period and he shouldn't be totally inconvenienced with this, but some things we just have to go with the flow, right. Take care, John

[KayC]

Unfortunately.  So his car is driveable?  That is good!  

I'm glad the employer did send it.  I'm still waiting on my updated insurance card (health), it's going to cost me a loss if they don't hurry and send it as it's time sensitive.

Never a dull moment!

Back to wrapping my hand, hurts too much, I think there's some serious damage in there, the burn was Dec. 9.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad the employer did send it.  I'm still waiting on my updated insurance card (health), it's going to cost me a loss if they don't hurry and send it as it's time sensitive.

KayC,

After calling the Insurance Company and setting up the account online, I was able to print a temporary card. But it was a hassle, because when I printed it, it was very much too large. It covered the entire piece of paper. I had to scan it after printing it, and then reduce it to 40% and cover it with tape. A lot of work all because someone made a mistake and entered my information incorrectly. Do you have the option of printing a temporary one. Take care, John

[John9]

Hello all,

I'm here to vent again, Just found out that I am not done with MIL's estate. I received a 1099 from the pension company, the same company that dragged their feet in paying. But because MIL forgot to remove her deceased Husband as beneficiary and the money was paid to the estate, I have to file a tax return for the estate. It isn't a lot of money but it is above the $600 limit that the IRS sets. That brings up a whole different issue, when is $600 a lot of money that should be taxed. It will cost me money to file and then I will have to hope it doesn't take as long as it took for MIL's tax return last year. I guess it is the Friday the 13th jinx. HAHAHA. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@John9 I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this.  The government does what they want when they want.  I had to deal with them in 2021.  I'm glad that I don't have to deal with them any longer.  I guess that's a perk for being on disability.   I will keep you in my prayers. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

Do you have the option of printing a temporary one.

They're in the middle of straightening it out so, no.

BTW, I thought of all of us when I saw this:
 

[John9]

IF I read it right, the amount of "taxes" due will eat up a very larger part of the money, even though it was already spent on the Attorney fees and the other expenses the estate had. The tax rate is 10% on the first amount and then 24% on the balance, right now it looks to be over $500.

3 minutes ago, KayC said:

BTW, I thought of all of us when I saw this:

I saw the cartoon also, and sometimes even my hair hurts.

[Sparky1]

How appropriate, my shoulder is really killing me. Lol

[KayC]

Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without pain...to think there was a year I didn't have such pain, I think the injuries started in my upper 50s...one thing after another since.  I'm in good health but these injuries...my friend said she was going to have to bubblewrap me!  I told her to come do that (she's the one that moved to TX 7 1/2 years ago).

[John9]

Hello all.

Today is or would have been my loving wife and my 36th wedding Anniversary. I say it that way way because I know some will say that I should stop counting after she died. I disagree because as I have said before, I still consider myself married even though legally I am considered the dreaded "W" word. Either way it is not a good day and with the paperwork from yesterday, not a good weekend so far. But I will try to make it through and hope that it goes somewhat quickly. It isn't getting any easier for me. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@John9 for what it's worth happy anniversary.   I understand what you mean about still considering yourself married.  I am the same way. Thats why I still wear my wedding ring.  I will keep you in my prayers.   

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I say it that way way because I know some will say that I should stop counting after she died. I disagree because as I have said before, I still consider myself married even though legally I am considered the dreaded "W" word.

Why would you stop counting? This year is our “would have been” 40 years. It’s on my calendar; it’s in my heart. John is my one, my husband, my best everything.

I wear my wedding ring. I wear his on a chain around my neck. I think that this is the year I will have it fused with the gold pendant I wear with it. The pendant is a carved, detailed cutout of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle in Disneyland. We used to visit multiple times a year, way back when yearly passes were affordable and we could catch a cheap flight from the Bay Area, where we lived, to Anaheim. Just us or with the girls (got them passes too) or with friends. We loved it there. John said it felt like an oasis in the midst of chaos.

One time we were walking down Main Street and I saw the pendant in a shop window. I’m not a “jewelry gal” particularly (don’t even have a separate engagement ring; didn’t want one), but I commented on it. He snuck back and bought it to surprise me. The times he bought me jewelry, he put thought into what it would mean to me.

And so I wear them together and have since before he died. I took it off completely for a day only once: Last spring when our nephew got married I wore a pretty necklace my sister gave me. I felt that day should be all about their beginnings and not what can/will happen down the road.

I list myself as married, except where it’s required to be legally accurate. I consider myself a “modern” woman, mostly a feminist in the “equal treatment, opportunities, and education” sense. I was happy to change my name to his (and not just because my maiden surname was…unusual and hard to spell). I was never offended to have his name listed first/primary. It didn’t bother me when things were addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. John Surname,” though don’t call me “Mrs. John Surname” when addressing me individually. I guess my point is that I was always “me,” but we were one even before we said our vows.

As far as I am concerned, I am his and will be until the day I die. I really don’t care what others think. And so, I will count those special days because they will always matter to me.

[April Ballou]

@foreverhis I understand completely.   This year will be, or would have been 41 years of marriage.   We has 38 wonderful years together.   I love him and I will always love him.  I have alot of memories.   I hold onto them.  

[KayC]

55 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Why would you stop counting? This year is our “would have been” 40 years.

 

1 hour ago, John9 said:

oday is or would have been my loving wife and my 36th wedding Anniversary.

This makes me feel better...put that way it would have been 22 years this year.  It makes me feel a little less ripped.

Happy Anniversary, John.

[John9]

April Ballou,

Thank you and yes it is hard to be happy about anything anymore, especially the special events. Take care, John

[John9]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess my point is that I was always “me,” but we were one even before we said our vows.

As far as I am concerned, I am his and will be until the day I die. I really don’t care what others think. And so, I will count those special days because they will always matter to me.

foreverhis,

Thank you for the comments and I do understand what you mean. I really haven't been "me" since my loving wife and I got married and I was okay with that. We were a couple and we liked being a couple and I hate I am not a part of a couple anymore. My loving wife only had a wedding ring for most of our marriage, and then she decided that she wanted her ring to be reset in a different band and then I bought her another band to wraparound  the new one. The intent was to add another but Covid hit and messed everything up and.......My loving wife very rarely took off her wedding ring and when she needed to, it was difficult because it was on for so long. She had a couple of necklaces she liked to switch between and I had bought her other jewelry but she wasn't able to wear them because of her work as a pet groomer. But on the rare occasions that we actually got dressed up and went somewhere she would wear the special ones. I have been wearing the pendant with her fingerprint that the Funeral home took since I received it as well as a bracelet that one of her clients had given her when we lost our female Chihuahua, which has a human hand and dog paw, holding "hands", because it was hers.

KayC,

Thank you.

[Sparky1]

On 1/14/2023 at 4:58 AM, KayC said:

Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without pain...to think there was a year I didn't have such pain,

I was virtually pain free until I turned 30. After that I started getting a bad back, bad knees, bad neck, bad shoulders, etc. I've only got a few decades left and I dread getting there carrying all these aches. I can't even sit for long because the sciatic nerve going down my butt throbs like a heartbeat.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, John9 said:

have been wearing the pendant with her fingerprint that the Funeral home took since I received it as well as a bracelet that one of her clients had given her when we lost our female Chihuahua, which has a human hand and dog paw, holding "hands", because it was hers.

And those are most precious.  I have a bracelet I had made commemorating my Arlie (Husky/Golden Retriever) when he died.  Funeral home did nothing for me when George died, let alone the vet when my Arlie died.  I'm glad you have those treasures.

[John9]

Hello all,

I survived the Anniversary and today is 2 years since my friend died. I miss talking to him, when I wasn't at his house caring for him, he had to call us twice a day. Sometimes we would talk for hours and sometimes we would only talk for a minute or two. Of course I miss my loving wife more, each and everyday and night. I finally was able to get online with the Insurance company and finish my account and then I had to find a new Doctor because the previous one doesn't take the new Insurance. I am having some issues and I can't get in to see the Doctor until February 10, I guess this is the new way of doing things. The office was supposed to send paperwork, but I haven't received it yet. Typical of the way my last paperwork issue was. I am still waiting to be able to file the Estate taxes for MIL, the State hasn't updated their paperwork so I can't do anything. I emailed the Attorney asking whether the letter of authority I have needs to be extended and she responded saying she can't file for an extension unless the old one expires. Doesn't make any sense to me, but what do I know, she told me to file the tax asap. I responded and said I can't because the State isn't ready. I really don't care, I am trying not to let it bother me, because I can only do what I can do. I am so over this in every way. That was why I said before, make sure your legal things are in order. And make the person you hate the most, the executor/personal representative. That is in jest, but I feel MIL is laughing right now because she didn't like me. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . And make the person you hate the most, the executor/personal representative.  

John,

I laughed out loud at this recommendation!

Sorry you are still in the run around stage. Glad you are less troubled by it. In circumstances like this, it is a relief to care less.

Gail

[KayC]

I had to laugh at that too, I know it was in jest and yet...

Two years, missing your friend...  I understand, it's how I'm feeling about my sister, not sure anyone else feels the same except maybe her very best friend.

[KayC]

Wondering how you're doing, John?  I hope you're hanging in there.  They said they'd mail the kids' checks 1 1/2 weeks ago, they didn't now they say end of Feb.  It's hard jacking them around like that.  Esp. Melissa, she's so poor.  Has to be signed off by a judge, had I known that...

Since Kodie can't have his playdate I took him to the park yesterday, he loves it, all the dog smells, then we went to the church for the bible study, wasn't many people there but oh my did he get the attention, treats, and loving!  everyone kept petting him!  Mostly Lynda (her first time there) and Laura.  Lynda started on my anti-anxiety med Buspar, loves it except she's getting hot, I looked it up and it said only 1-2 weeks, so here's hoping, she likes how it makes her feel.  Me too, and it's safer than the SSRIs.

 

[John9]

On 1/27/2023 at 7:17 AM, KayC said:

Wondering how you're doing, John?  I hope you're hanging in there.

KayC,

I'm still here and it just keeps going. I have another 2 weeks before I can see the Doctor and I'm existing on smoothies and soup. I hope I can file the Estate tax forms soon, but I had an issue downloading the State software and now it says I can't e-file. I am sorry that you're also dealing with "paperwork", not you but the kids. Glad that Kodie was able to enjoy his church outing. Hopefully the pills will work for Lynda and any issues will resolve. Take care, John

 

[KayC]

I was glad to hear her doctor prescribed it, it's in a class all of it's own and much safer, non-addictive.

SIL calling, trying to make me her life is driving me nuts.  I let her talk 1 1/2 hours Monday, then blocked her, I can't handle it, she's called 21 times in the five days since including evening when I've told her not to.  I need to keep family harmony but she wants to take over my life, she talked twice in one day, three hours!  She doesn't have a life, I feel I've been leeched upon.  I can only call her when I can handle it and right now I'm too upset.

My brother is handling the payouts and estate with help from a lawyer, right now a judge has to sign off on it, it'll be another month, after telling the family it'd be a week ago.  Frustrating for the kids I'm sure.

[John9]

Just a quick note, I ended up having to go to the hospital Sunday because I couldn’t eat and drink. Went to the EMERGENCY ROOM and they ended up admitting me and last night did a scope on me and they removed food and liquid from my esophagus. The Doctor said there was a lot of food in there, but there was blood and clotting too. He took a biopsy but no results yet, he wants another Doctor to do another scope tomorrow and see if things look better. I am not allowed to eat or drink anything, because the don’t want to irritate it more. I am staying hydrated from am IV, and the Hospital bed sucks too, so does the TV, they did a Covid test and it was negative also. I feel better with nothing in my throat, but not without any answers as to cause and effect. Take care john 

[Gail 8588]

Oh John, 

Thanks for sharing this news with us. I think of you as a friend and I am sending all the good energy I can your way for healing. 

I hope your son is visiting with you at the hospital.  

Hopefully the doctors will figure out the cause of the blockage and get it fixed quickly.  

Many folks here, including me, will be praying for you. 

Gail

[Sparky1]

Wow John, I hope things get sorted out real soon. I pray that you get better and can go home. Please let us know how you're making out, and try to get some rest.

[Roxeanne]

So sorry John...hope you will be better soon!

Take good care of yourself!

Sending love and positive vibes

[KayC]

Oh John, I am so sorry!  Such a shock, I hope they come up with answers SOON and can keep you comfortable.  I know it sucks being in the hospital and you wouldn't be there if you didn't have to be.  Praying for you dear brother!

[John9]

Hello all, 

They did the second scope today and there is a tumor in my esophagus. The Doctor took a biopsy but suspects it might be Cancer. She said that the results will take a couple of days. She reached out to the Oncology department and requested that they consult with me. Trying not to worry because as my loving wife would say, what will be will be. But once again this is when I need her the most. Take care John 

 

[Sparky1]

Wow John, I was hoping for better news. It's tough going through things like this alone without your loved one by your side. I just hope that things go well and you keep fighting, you're a tough dude brother. God bless you.

[foreverhis]

@John9  I am so sorry to hear this.  I know you know we'll all be thinking about you, keeping you in our hearts, and those who pray will be praying for you.  (Little note:  I rarely "direct" prayers as mine tend to be more universal in nature or specific to my family, but for the members here, I strongly direct prayers as needed.) ((HUGS))

[KayC]

Oh John, I am so sorry...know we are there with you even as you are going through this, we care about you.  My XH had throat cancer and they treated it and he survived it, he'd told me survival is ten years, it's been 14 and he's still going.