Realization

[foreverhis]

Kay, I think you know that we would literally be there for you if we could.  I'm afraid we'll have to simply be here for you and be there in spirit.  You're in our hearts, I know this much for sure.

[Roxeanne]

Kay i often ask to myself why life is so hard...and there is no answers!

I know you are a very strong woman...even if all this is too much!

Hope we can help you more than write here we are near you in this bad moment...

Take good care of yourself....sending love and hugs💕

 

 

 

[KayC]

Your thoughts mean a lot as you sit with me.  I posted about it on FB, OMG I got everyone's advice!  Here is where I get my support and I pray all of you feel the same, this truly does feel like family.  A family of choosing!

Last night I missed our church's Christmas Party, it's always so much fun!  I'd planned on bringing Kodie, but frankly, was just in way too much pain.  This morning I'm going to attempt a shower.  My hand is badly blistered, but I did better with the wrapping it last night.

[John9]

KayC,

Just wondering how you are doing. Take care, John

[KayC]

All the skin came off my little finger when I went to the doctor, hurts like the dickens!  The palm is covered in blisters, have one left on my little finger too.  Pain on palm subsiding somewhat but it's started itching.  Have to go in to the Derm. in six days for surgery on my skin cancer, praying it doesn't snow much, starting Sunday.

I hope everything is okay with you!  I've been fighting with the internet people all day, (on a couple seconds, then off a couple seconds, hard to tend my Diabetic Group this way!  They blame it on my router and it's not the router, that's fine..  Pulling my hair out!

[John9]

KayC,

All I can say is that I feel for you and the pain you are going through. And the internet issue can really be a total pain too. I know we have discussed those issues before and I don't remember your provider, but it sounds like it might be weather related issues. I have Comcast and sometimes the "connection"doesn't like wet weather of any kind. I am still here and sorry to say it sucks, Monday was 21 months for me and tomorrow is 2 years since we lost our female Chihuahua. There are just so many triggers all of the time. I do hope you have no issues getting to the Doctor for your surgery and of course I hope it is successful too. Take care, John

[KayC]

19 hours ago, John9 said:

it sounds like it might be weather related issues.

We have beautiful weather but it might be where they send the signals from, although they denied it.  I even reported it to two people!  Today it seems fine, who knows.

19 hours ago, John9 said:

Tomorrow is 2 years since we lost our female Chihuahua.

Thinking of you as you face this, I'm so sorry.  I am still missing my Arlie, 3 1/2 years on the 16th.

5 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

Sorry you’re in pain KayC - hope the pain subsides soon❤️

Thank you, both you and John!  Still burning and it's been six days, amazing how much it can hurt!

[April Ballou]

@KayC I have had you on my mind for about 2 weeks now.  I have been praying for you.   I know that God will see you through.   

[KayC]

Thank you, April!

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

Thinking of you today as you go to deal with the skin cancer. Maybe the dermatologist can give you some helpful advice on your burnt hand as well. 

Hope you folks in southern Oregon didn't feel anything from northern California's earthquake this morning.  Geeze if it's not one thing it's another. 

Take care.  Sending all good thoughts for healing.  

Gail

[John9]

KayC,

I too have been thinking of you and I hope that all is well. Please let us know as soon as you are able. Take care, John

[foreverhis]

@KayC Sending prayers, love, and hugs your way.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Hope you folks in southern Oregon didn't feel anything from northern California's earthquake this morning. 

Wow, had no idea!  Didn't hear the news last night, exhausting day.
I'm wondering if some of my burns weren't 3rd degree after all, healing or not they are numb, no feeling at all, esp. in the blistered ones, the others healed okay.

Dermatologist said the removal of the skin cancer would take up to two months.  Yay.  Never had one take that long before but first time with a different methodology.  Hoping under a month, I usually heal quickly.  Been 12 days since the burns, down to two blistered ones still healing, I have a feeling one is about to peel.

I was gone 10-4:30, long day, got groceries afterwards, then Cindy wanted to go to $ Store and Costco.  LONG day!  Good to be home with Kodie and Panther. 

Oh I wanted to mention, Kodie and Panther are best buds now...when Kodie is in the front yard Panther comes up to the fence to him...Kodie spun for him a few times, then Panther slowly spun for him!  I thought it the cutest thing ever!  

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, it means more to me than you know!

[John9]

KayC,

I hope that the treatment doesn't take as long as the Doctor thinks as well. I am sorry that you have no feeling where you were burned, that may be a good thing temporarily, hopefully the feeling will return. I am glad that Kodie and Panther are getting along. I know it isn't quite the same because of the situation, but all of the cats and dogs my loving wife and I had pretty much got along. I know our female Chihuahua, really enjoyed her little teasing games with her food and the other animals. Hopefully the weather will cooperate for your treatments. We may be getting a snow storm with high winds for Thursday night/Friday morning. Hopefully it isn't as bad as they say, don't need to lose power this time of the year. But as my loving wife started saying a few months before she died, what will be, will be. Take care, John

[KayC]

OMG, and you're in Michigan!  This storm is expected to be nationwide, although predicted north of me, can't ever rule it out, remembering the snowpocalypse nearly four years ago that was predicted "north of us."   Praying it's lesser rather than more.

Yesterday my entire tongue was broke out in inflamed glands, clear to the tip, underneath, sides, everywhere, I've had this two years and this is the worst outbreak yet, so much pain!  Have a mtg and "party" afterwards to go to, not sure I'll stay for the party, would love to but in this pain, just not up to gaiety.

Took burn bandages off yesterday just in time to start dressing skin cancer wound, yay, hoping I have enough gauze/tape to last how long this takes!  Numbness in the blistered burns, no idea how long that will be or if it'll ever go away, now both hands have pain and numbness.  I never dreamed at 70 I'd live like this...with loss of strength to boot!  Oh well, no use crying about it, just one foot in front of the other and keep on surviving!

21 hours ago, John9 said:

But as my loving wife started saying a few months before she died, what will be, will be.

A good saying!  Take care and survive the storm...I hope you have a snow blower.

[John9]

KayC,

I do have a snowblower, hopefully it will work if needed. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of these medical issues, all at the same time too. Hopefully they will resolve soon and you can continue helping all of us. That may not have come out the right way, but again I will say you have really helped me so much and I really appreciate all you have done. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@KayC  I'm so very sorry about your hands.  We are getting some cold weather the high for today is 47° and the low is 14° .  Tomorrow it's not even going to get above freezing.   No snow in the forecast, thank Go.  I pray for you everyday.   I miss your emailing me.  But I understand.   Hopefully once this is over we can connect again.

[Gail 8588]

Even down here in Florida it is going to be cold!  Friday night low of 18°.  We are predicted to have 5 nights in a row below freezing.  I hope my 3 citrus trees will survive.

Then, it is going to warm up into the 70s the end of next week and for New Year's.

I'm not complaining. I fear for a lot of the country during this artic blast.

Take care all.

Gail

[Carol34]

I haven't chimed in on this thread for a long time, but I saw you were all talking about the weather.  Right now, it's around 6pm, and the temp is 44 here and it's raining in southwest Ohio.  In the next couple of hours, the rain will change to snow, and temperature at midnight will be around 20.  But that's not all!  They predict we will be around zero or just below it by 6am.  But with the wind blowing...gusting to 40 mph or more...it will feel like 30-40 below. 

Stay safe everyone!

[Gail 8588]

It is chilly down here in Florida.  28°F right now, but predicted to go down to 18° by dawn. Tomorrow's high will only be 35°, the coldest high temperature ever recorded for Christmas Eve in Tallahassee. 

I am very grateful to be snug and warm in my house.  I did go out and buy 4 prepackaged armfuls of split oak, just in case I need to put my fireplace to use. (If somehow the electrical grid crashed or something.  I don't think it makes any rational sense, that power couldn't get restored in Tallahassee, but I bought it on the theory that if you carry an umbrella it won't rain.) 

Anyway, I feel prepared, grateful, and apprehensive for much of the country that is facing much more dire conditions. 

Stay warm and safe everyone. 

Gail 

[KayC]

Best to be prepared, Gail, praying you're sleeping safe and warm in your bed!

All across Oregon and to the Atlantic coast we had freezing rain, it was treacherous, roads, even freeways closed, other should have been, cars strewn everywhere, a friend slid into a tree while she was driving for her job yesterday, they never should have sent her out, it'll be on HER driving record now through no fault of her own, I'm glad she is unharmed.  My daughter couldn't do her job yesterday and she's self-employed so no leave.  It's amazing how much one loves their kids, how your heart swells into protective stance when something like this occurs!  I was so glad she was staying home and out of it.

This is the ONLY spot it seems was not touched by freezing rain, here it reached 50, amazing!  We almost felt guilty being exempt from it.  Praying for everyone else!

[John9]

KayC,

Glad you are not having the real bad weather, on top of your medical issues. We didn't get as much snow as predicted, however the winds were upwards of 55 mph and the temperatures were 0 F, so the wind chill is off the charts so to speak. Still windy today and I haven't been out but I think the roads are iffy in spots. And yes I agree that as a Parent, the kids will always be our kids. I don't think Our Son understands that and he seems to get upset when I check on him or ask him to let me know if he made it somewhere, especially in bad weather. Sorry that your friend was in an accident, hopefully she is okay and her insurance doesn't go up because of the accident. I hope your hand is feeling somewhat better too. Take care, John

[KayC]

John, thank you for your well wishes.  Burns healing a little more each day, not going to the the same again, but pray they allow me to do what I need to, shoveling snow will be hard but praying that holds off until the skin cancer removal heals, I know, a tall order.  

I went to my son Paul's in-laws yesterday, it was a lot of fun.  They didn't bring their dogs either.  Talked to Iris briefly on the way home, I guess they got mucky, not a big deal, by the time I got home he was all clean!  Didn't make much mess, I shook my rug out.  Woke up at 1 and Panther was sitting outside the door, I don't want him waking us up middle of the night so I just went back to bed and ignored him.  This morning he  wasn't there, so must have done the same.

We played games and Bethany had tried out an amazing Keto meatball recipe with pepperoni and spices in it, I wanted to take more but didn't.  It also had chunks of tomato with it, also cooked with them.  I want the recipe but doubt she'll share it with me.  Her and the kids were so good at the games!  Melissa came but Finley wasn't feeling well. I texted him last night.  I wish I'd included him with the Christmas card and $...

Going to church for the program and then dinner together.

Oh and Panther came back to the door, I opened it some, he played with things hanging on the chain on the hook, it was so cute, Kodie joined in, cheering him on!

It sounds like maybe your son is young yet, takes a while for them to get that, maybe having kids themselves to understand.

I hope your day goes well!  Merry Christmas!

 

[John9]

KayC,

I am glad you are healing, even if it is slowly. But as I have said before, to me all days since my loving wife died are slowly passing. Glad you had a fun time at your Son's in-laws. I received a text this morning from one of my loving wife's Aunts, she hasn't been in touch since last Christmas. It was good but she just doesn't understand how hard all of this is. I am glad that Panther is keeping Kodie entertained.🤣 I hope your Christmas is happy and merry too. Take care, John

To all,

I hope that anyone who is able to celebrate, has a merry Christmas and a peaceful day.

[KayC]

Went to the church for the Christmas Program, ordered to help in kitchen (yes even with burned hands and skin cancer cut off (same hand above it under where wristwatch would go), in there three hours, can't lift heavy bowls, no strength to hold and scrape them, people don't get how hard this is.  After this came home and Christmas was over another year, phone quiet all day, no texts back from kids, middle light strand on tree went out, even Christmas tree looks bleak.  

John your sentiments are thoughtful, even though I know they're from a broken hurting heart.  I wish I could somehow brighten your day but feel inept to do so.  Let fire go out yesterday so I can clean the ashes out today when it gets light out...so the house is cold, matches my heart/spirit today.

[John9]

KayC,

You have helped me through this terrible journey more than you will ever know. Without you and a few others, I am not sure I would still be here. Sorry that some people are just oblivious to the obvious, I mean about your hand specifically. Our Son was here for a little while before he left again, so I spent almost all day all alone. I gave him a Christmas card with a check from me and my loving wife. When he left he was taking gifts to his friends for Christmas, I didn't even receive a card from him. Later he texted that he wasn't coming back until today. As I have said he lives here, but I rarely see him. He will never ever understand how much that hurts and how much all of this is too slowly killing me. Take care, John

[KayC]

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I didn't even receive a card from him.

My daughter sent me home with a huge gift bag of things she selected for me, but no card from my son's family this year, usually they do a family photo card...I'd ask my sister if she got one this year but she died.    I am constantly reminded of her absence and miss her so much more than I can give voice to!  

I do not think our kids can have any idea what we go through with this loss...it continues on year after year, it's not something we "get used to" or "over with."

[John9]

KayC,

Our Son did give me a card last night, but it seemed more of an afterthought than anything else. I had texted him earlier in the day that I was going out and said IF he cared. I hate this all so much, the loneliness, the pain, everything. I truly understand in my own way what you say about "missing" your Sister and the absence that there is now.  Take care, John

[KayC]

Oh John, I know how that feels, been there too many times.  Last year I got nothing for Christmas, felt very unthought of.  Please know I care and am so sorry.

What is really sad is when we are gone they may care and miss us, but it will be too late to show it then.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

What is really sad is when we are gone they may care and miss us, but it will be too late to show it then.

KayC,

Sadly, I think of that often and as much as I don't want him to feel bad, I think that he might. But he is an adult and he will have to accept that his decisions are his alone and he will have to accept and deal with whatever happens. Thank you for caring and I do care for you too. Take care, John

[KayC]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

he will have to accept that his decisions are his alone and he will have to accept and deal with whatever happens.

I have concluded the same, mine aren't in their 20s, my son is nearly 39, my daughter is 40.  

[John9]

KayC,

Our Son is 31, not exactly a kid anymore, even though he still acts like one sometimes.

[KayC]

Sometimes it takes them having a child of their own...

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh John, I know how that feels, been there too many times.  Last year I got nothing for Christmas, felt very unthought of.  Please know I care and am so sorry.

What is really sad is when we are gone they may care and miss us, but it will be too late to show it then.

This makes me so sad for you and for John 9 and anyone else whose family and friends, especially children, have let them down.  Our daughter and granddaughter live 1000 miles away in Seattle, but they call and FaceTime regularly and I call and FaceTime them.  Our granddaughter is old enough now to be able to FaceTime me when she wants and her mom encourages us to have "our" time.  For Christmas, they sent me a package with a couple of our favorite Seattle treats and a new apron and oven mitts from a company she loves.  I sent them a package of goodies as well.

Because of the pandemic, school schedules, work scheduling, and ridiculous costs for travel to our small region, we haven't been together in person for going on 3 years.  It hurts all three of us, but we still keep our relationship strong.  I know if I called our daughter in an emergency, she'd drop everything to be here. 

It hurts my heart to know that people I care about here aren't as lucky.((HUGS))

[KayC]

They have their lives...

[Gail 8588]

Like Foreverhis, I am fortunate to have a great deal of family support.  My 2 boys care about me and show their love during holidays and other times during the year. My husband's family are in contact with me throughout the year and very much consider me a part of the family.  I value all of this love and support.  But there is a loneliness that overshadows all of this support. 

My life, as it existed for 40 years and as I expected it to be in my old age, has vanished. 

When I am in a big family gathering, as we had this past Thanksgiving, I can almost pretend that my John is just in another area of the house, perhaps watching football, while I'm in the kitchen helping with the food.  But it is in the quiet moments that John and I would recap all the special moments of the gathering, or during the preparations for a gathering, that we were a team, almost  a  single unit.  It is difficult to put into words, but even though all of my family does all the kind things they do and say to include me, it still feels like a massive part of me is missing.

So when I am in the kitchen with my sisters-in-law fixing food, and it all looks just like it did a decade ago, I feel so incomplete, it is not at all how it felt a decade ago.  When he was alive, and just in another room, we both felt whole.  All was well in our soul.  That feeling is gone from my life. 

In this my 6th Christmas holiday without John, I am much more able to be genuinely happy than I was in the first several years, but I do recognize that I never feel complete the way I did when John was  alive.  

New Year's Eve will be a time I will really miss John as we rarely went out for New Years.  We would just be homebodies, grateful for our many blessing and looking forward to the possibilities of the New Year.  I'll do my best to feel that way this New Year's, but it is fundamentally different facing the future alone. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

In this my 6th Christmas holiday without John, I am much more able to be genuinely happy than I was in the first several years, but I do recognize that I never feel complete the way I did when John was  alive.  

This puts it aptly...we can have our moments of happiness but never the same as it was when they were here.  I look at all my married friends, how they take it all for granted...I don't blame them, they just don't know what it's like on the other side of loss, not the same to lose a different loss other than your partner/best friend/your all...they have that and do not know what it will be like...and shhh, I don't want to tell them!

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

This puts it aptly...we can have our moments of happiness but never the same as it was when they were here.  I look at all my married friends, how they take it all for granted...I don't blame them, they just don't know what it's like on the other side of loss, not the same to lose a different loss other than your partner/best friend/your all...they have that and do not know what it will be like...and shhh, I don't want to tell them!

KayC,

As much as I would like to tell everyone, make sure to enjoy what you have, with that special person, I can't do that to them. I do hope that they don't have to go through any of this pain and suffering. Sadly, I know may will at some point if they are together long enough. Hopefully many will be as my loving wife's Grandparents and they will die within two weeks of each other after many years together. That was my loving wife and my hope. But alas it didn't happen that way. And I am sorry but I don't want to be here in a world without my loving wife in it. Take care, John

[foreverhis]

On 12/29/2022 at 4:05 AM, KayC said:

They have their lives...

They do. And it’s understandable that they focus on them.

Still, that so often leaves many of us bereft, alone, and feeling forgotten on important days or during difficult times. That’s what makes me sad.

[foreverhis]

On 12/29/2022 at 4:06 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I value all of this love and support.  But there is a loneliness that overshadows all of this support. 

My life, as it existed for 40 years and as I expected it to be in my old age, has vanished. 

Yes! This is so true.

To this day I am somewhat uncomfortable at larger family-friends gatherings. Not because the people there don’t care or because they make me feel “other” or less than. They do care, they show they care, and they don’t make me feel less than. It’s because I feel incomplete. Certainly less so than the first devastating couple of years as I figure out how to find a place for myself in a different life.  The thing is that no matter how much time passes, there will always be an empty space that used to be filled with John and our life together.

We had all kinds of New Year’s Eve celebrations in our first 15-20 years together, but in the 15-20 after that, we had quiet times at home with our two best friends who came to stay after Christmas until January 2nd or so. Just the four of us and the children, until the children were grown and had lives of their own.

Perhaps the hardest memory of a New Year’s Eve is our last one. John was about to finish chemo and prepare for his second surgery. We tried to be so hopeful and to look ahead to our future. By that next July, he was gone and nothing in this world would ever be the same.

I have been alone every New Year’s Eve since he died. I don’t see that changing. I’m generally a kind person, but know deep down that seeing others still together on that night, even people we love very much, would make my resentment and anger surface in a way that wouldn’t be fair to them or helpful or emotionally healthy for me.

So I will open a bottle of bubbly and I will drink a toast to him, to us, and to the life and love we shared for so many years. And I will cry for our lost “golden years,” even as I have faith that we will be together again someday.

[April Ballou]

@Gail 8588 I understand.   I had 38 years with Darrell.   The loneliness is I guess the way things are supposed to be.  This was my third Christmas without him.  @Sim7079your right the sadness and incompleteness are bad.  I am getting there.  I do miss someone to hug.  But I guess I will be alone.

For everyone on here I wish you a very Happy New Year  2023.

[KayC]

Thinking of all of you tonight...

[John9]

I would like to extend a Holiday greeting to all. I hope 2023 is a better year and a happier one for all. I too miss my loving wife more than I can really put into words. I miss here in every way, large and small. Take care, John

[KayC]

My little sister's Guillain-Barre is back with a vengeance, they're in Hawaii and her husband has to help her up/down from the toilet, getting dressed, etc.  Not exactly the vacation they'd imagined.  No idea why the setback.

[John9]

KayC,

I'm so sorry that your Sister is having a setback, maybe it was that lovely thing called stress. I'm not sure if their flight had any of the Holiday delays and issues the rest of the Country had. Hopefully she will go back into "remission" again. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@KayC sorry to hear about your sister.   I will keep her in my prayers.

[KayC]

No, they left after Christmas, Portland>Hawaii.  She can't walk, anything.  She is showing amazing outlook but I know it has to be tremendously hard.  She posted about it this morning on FB and my DIL commented she wants her to watch her kids in Feb/Mar!  Are you KIDDING me!  (I wanted to swear but I don't swear!)  I mean, what kind of a Narcissist says that in response to this!  Just as she texted her she wanted her to take care of her kids when she was literally on her deathbed with Delta Covid!  She turned her phone off.  No words for my DIL.  I put the wow exclamation and responded to Julie not her.

[John9]

KayC,

I was just wondering, because I know stress can cause many medical issues to flare up, as I am sure you are aware. How is your hand, forgot to ask yesterday. I don't know what to say about your DIL, because sadly that isn't that uncommon for people to not think about their actions and comments. I know, because I have seen it happen and also heard of it, like your post. Hopefully Julie will get back home and begin the "process" of recovering again. Please try to not let the DIL issue cause you more stress because I am sure you are worried already about Julie and your own medical issues. Take care, John

[KayC]

My DIL has always been focused on what SHE wants and not caring about others, it's hard to live with, I worry about my son, I know he'll stick it out because he doesn't want a broken home and it's very important to him to raise his kids.  I like her family, I just wonder what happened to her, she yells at me and is horrible to me!  I stick it out for my son's and grandchildren's sake but honestly, sometimes I have to say something to her to defend myself.  He just stands there, it's so sad, it's like he's compromised who he is to put up with her. 

Anyway, enough of her.  I am very concerned about my little sister...she has a wonderful husband and I'm so glad they made it through all these years!  42 I think!

I went to the doctor Tuesday, she said it looked "okay" but did not seem convincing...she took a picture for their files to compare to later on, gave me things to look for to "get right back in immediately" and reiterated treatment, which I've been doing (wearing gloves when getting wood in, no dishes, etc. daily care of it..

Had a huge wind storm yesterday, power went out three times, had to eat late because I didn't want to open refrigerator while it was out.  Tried hooking up my generlink but it never did power the house, so gave up and took Kodie for another long walk.  I can't just sit there in the dark and do nothing!

More wind today, hoping not as bad and the power lines hold up!

22 hours ago, John9 said:

stress can cause many medical issues to flare up

Oh yes, as with my throat/tongue, still hurting badly from that.

On 12/31/2022 at 9:07 AM, John9 said:

I would like to extend a Holiday greeting to all. I hope 2023 is a better year and a happier one for all. I too miss my loving wife more than I can really put into words. I miss here in every way, large and small. Take care, John

So far it's not looking that way but then again, it could be snowing and thankfully isn't yet!  VERY big PLUS!

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

I am so sorry everything is so hard. I know how much you love living where you do, your mountains, nature all around you, good neighbors, memories. There is a quiet joy being where you love to live. 

But sometimes it is so darn hard living alone!  I worry about you. I worry about me. 

You do an amazing job taking care of yourself, Kodie and Panther. You are an inspiration how you just keep going despite your physical challenges.

I wish mother nature would give you a break. Fires in the summer, blizzards and wind storms in the winter.  It is a lot to deal with.

I hope your hands will steadily improve. I wish your DIL would treat you and your son more kindly. Hoping the rest of this winter turns out to be a mild one. 

Hugs

Gail