Realization

[DWS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

my laptop quit, doing weird stuff like pages flashing up/down, won't hold still, and typing backwards.  I left it at my son's, but he'd never heard of such a thing! 

I imagine your son likely would have discovered this but a similar kind of weird thing happened to me a few months ago. I had my nephew (who is now in charge of our hospital's IT department) stop by to see if he could figure out what was happening. After he went through all of the usual routine exploration of computer nuttiness, he made the discovery that my "shift" key was stuck in the down position! This was the reason why I couldn't type anything and when I did manage to get a letter typed, it repeated and repeated not to mention the bizarre things that happened if I clicked on a link. Is it possible that one of your laptop keys is stuck? 

[John9]

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It's exhausting, even in my very downsized home. 

Gail 8588,

I think that so many people have just figured out that if they are in a position where they are needed they can charge what they want and work when they want. So many things have changed in the last few years in that regard. It seems I am always waiting for someone to do their job, because I am unable to do things myself. Paperwork is the worst thing to wait for to be completed, as I am sure many now have experienced.

[John9]

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My love is not here to support me and this is just tearing away at my being. Sometimes it's so overwhelming.

Sparky1,

I understand what you are saying in my own way. My broken heart misses my loving wife every day and every night, more than the one before. My broken brain will not let any moment pass without the thoughts being about my loving wife. And my broken body just aches all of the time. I have no motivation to do anything except what I absolutely have to do and even that is becoming harder to do. Nothing has gotten any easier as the time slowly passes since my loving wife died. I hate this existence so much all alone and so lonely.This was not what was supposed to be.

[John9]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

I am in a "fake it until you make it" mood. Hate everyone but still have to put on a smile and try to make it through work without getting fired or pissing off my coworkers. I dont want to be at work but I dont want to be at home either. Trying to get my 9 year old to help me around the house because I have back issues. Twice in the last 6 months I have been unable to walk due to the pain so i have to be careful.

Yardwork, cleaning, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping....it never ends. My husband and i had a good division of labor. I never wanted to do all this by myself.

Feel so alone, everyone has their own lives. 

Almost 3 months, dont want to do this the rest of my life without my husband. We did everything together. Not only did I lose my husband, I lost my best friend. Cant make a new best friend at 42.

NiquesMom,

I am so sorry that you have to experience any of this, I am also sorry it is at such a young age. I am almost 63 and I agree with the comments about losing your best friend and not being able to make a new one. I lost my friend of 36 years who we were caring for just about 2 months before I lost my loving wife and then MIL died 5 months after my loving wife died. I lost most of my world and also most of my purpose within 7 months. I am so lost and feel so empty inside. My loving wife and I also had a good division of who did what and even though I was the one who took care of the house while she worked outside the house, now it is all on me and I am so tired and worn down. Take care, John

[John9]

KayC,

I really don't know how I am still here and I don't know why I am still here. I understand that it isn't up to us, and I am here until it is over for me, but it is so hard. You mentioned Kodie, how is he doing and is Panther still around. I had a similar issue with a computer one time and in my case one of the cats had hit a series of keys by walking across the keyboard and it took me awhile to figure it out, hopefully your Son can figure out the issue. It can be difficult when we rely on technology and then aren't able to use it. I had to update my cellphone recently and I hate the new one because it is nothing like I was used to, lost so many features and things I was used to having. It is just another in a long line of things that make no sense to me anymore. Still waiting for the IRS and other people to do their paperwork so I can be done and move on from all of this. MIL received a bill from the ER almost a year after she died, they had originally turned the bill over to collection because they wouldn't listen to me when I called them (many times) and now I guess they are trying again to collect. I have already wasted too much time on the phone with them to bother starting over, but I am only mentioning this because it is just another example of someone not doing their job. It should have already been resolved last year.

[Jemiga70]

15 hours ago, John9 said:

It is just another in a long line of things that make no sense to me anymore.

@John9  I feel this too about so many things now John. For me I think it's a combination of grief and the state of the world ever since the world went wonky in 2020.  It's all so very, very hard.  I too am still dealing w paperwork and have no idea how long it will drag on.

As so many of you mentioned, we were a team with our loved ones and now the burden of everything falls on each of us alone.  May we all find some comfort.  Peace.

[Roxeanne]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

OMG, this is such a common feeling in grief!  I think it's because we shared in everything with our partner, we were a team, even if we're the one that handled such things, we received much emotional support from them and didn't FEEL we were on our own with it...now we do with EVERYTHING!

Exactly! I remember when i had to do a test in the hospital...he was sit near me, holding my hand, squeezing it as encouragement !

When the test finished he said to me: brava Ciccia ! You made it so well!

Now when i went for the same test i am all alone, with heavy heart ' cos i remember him near me...!

It's only an example...his continuous costant emotional and concrete support was a gift for my life!

Now i just dream that kind of high support i had from him...and it's why i can't appreciate totally my life now...without him it's always so far from good !!!

[KayC]

23 hours ago, DWS said:

Is it possible that one of your laptop keys is stuck? 

No idea, the keyboard doesn't light up when number or scroll is engaged, so the only way to get them to work is to toggle it, but I have no way of knowing if a key is stuck, like shift or control, it didn't look indented.  I thought maybe a driver or something, who knows.  He'll check it out when he has time.  Haha, ask the busiest person around!

 

20 hours ago, John9 said:

You mentioned Kodie, how is he doing and is Panther still around.

I skipped Bible Study yesterday, opting to take Kodie to see Jazzy as it'd been 5-6 days as they've been gone, OMG did they have fun running and playing!  I relaxed on their deck, which is shaded, so nice!

When I came back from my son's, as I was rounding the corner of the ramp, I heard a little squeak (Panther's voice, he squeaks) and he came towards us, it was music to my ears!  He did fine, and had a bit of food left even!  He had to get a lot of rubs in.

I am so sorry about your MIL's ER bill that they took so long to bill and wouldn't listen to you, very annoying!!  I hope you can get it straightened out.  I'd be tempted to let them go w/o pmt for how they handled everything!

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Now when i went for the same test i am all alone, with heavy heart ' cos i remember him near me...!

  These things are so hard to go through w/o them.  I remember when I had surgery 2 days before Christmas 2014 and my heart stopped on the operating table, I kept stopping breathing in recovery too, for two hours, hovered between life and death, only living because I needed to be home for my dog and cat!  My family didn't check on me to see if I made it through, nothing.  The only one that called was Anne, a lady from my grief group.  I so appreciated her call!  (It happened because they over-anesthetized me)...see why I don't trust medical personnel?!

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry about your MIL's ER bill that they took so long to bill and wouldn't listen to you, very annoying!!  I hope you can get it straightened out.  I'd be tempted to let them go w/o pmt for how they handled everything!

KayC,

I am leaning this way as well. I discussed it with our Son since technically it is his money I would use to pay the bill. The worst that would be is that I will pay it eventually. They can't do anything to MIL, like the threat to ruin her credit. And if they turn it back over to collection, they will end up with less than the bill. I am just so fed up with it all. I am glad that Panther is doing okay and of course Kodie too. I also am finding it harder to trust the so called medical professionals anymore. It just seems that NOBODY listens anymore.

[DWS]

5 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Exactly! I remember when i had to do a test in the hospital...he was sit near me, holding my hand, squeezing it as encouragement !

When the test finished he said to me: brava Ciccia ! You made it so well!

What a beautiful display of love and friendship! That kind of tenderness brought tears to my eyes but I'm glad you shared it. 

[KayC]

John, I think I'd let them turn it over, they will get less, guess they should have listened to you when they had a chance.  And this coming from someone who has never even been late paying a bill!  It angers me they get like this when someone dies instead of being understanding, I saw this with my sister and her deceased husband's medical bills.  So aggravating.

[John9]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

John, I think I'd let them turn it over, they will get less, guess they should have listened to you when they had a chance.  And this coming from someone who has never even been late paying a bill!  It angers me they get like this when someone dies instead of being understanding, I saw this with my sister and her deceased husband's medical bills.  So aggravating.

KayC,

My loving wife and I always made sure that all of our bills were paid and all of our obligations were taken care of. I have always tried to explain to our Son that if you owe someone any money, then really you don't actually have any money of your own. In the 35 years we were together we had times when we struggled but we were a team and we made it through. But as we all know now, even the tiniest things can seem overwhelming. It is funny that you mention the Hospital ending up with less because that is what I said to our Son, and that is what makes no sense. It isn't even a large sum of money, it is the fact that they refused to listen to me even after multiple phone calls. When I was working it was my job to make sure that the bills were paid as well and it was hard sometimes, but I managed to keep the doors open until the bottom of the industry just fell out from under us. But as we have discussed too many times, nobody seems to want too do their job, or they are now incapable of doing the job they were hired for. I have a feeling that some of these people are compensated if they can collect a debt that may not need to be paid. That is just my opinion but that seems to be why there is a lack of compassion. Or maybe after hearing from people all of the time about someone dying they are hard-hearted now.

[KayC]

No excuse though, I've been on grief forums for 17 years and am not hard hearted or uncompassionate.  This is their chosen field, they owe it to their employer as well as the public to do their job.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

No excuse though, I've been on grief forums for 17 years and am not hard hearted or uncompassionate.  This is their chosen field, they owe it to their employer as well as the public to do their job.

KayC,

I agree but as I have said before, I can't tell someone how to do their job. I can only point out what I see as a problem or issue, and all of this is a problem for me and others as well.

Today is 52 weeks since MIL died, tomorrow is 1 year I know that is splitting hairs but since she died on a Sunday and the date will fall on a Monday that is why I say it that way. As of yet I haven't heard from any of my loving wife's family in many many weeks. Even the good Sister seems to have moved on from her grief over my loving wife and even her own Sister (MIL). I don't expect anyone to acknowledge this event and I don't have any ill thoughts toward them, but my loving wife and her Mother are their family and they seem to have forgotten them altogether. Just writing/venting again to get it off my chest. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

John, 

I am very blessed that my husband's two sisters still call to support me, often.  They both called on my wedding anniversary again this year (5 years after his death) just to chat and make sure I was not too down in the dumps.  It was incredibly sweet of them.  My son had me over to his house for dinner.  Not a celebratory dinner. Just join his family for some spaghetti and salad.  Just so I wasn't alone. 

I am very fortunate.

Gail

 

[April Ballou]

@Gail 8588 I'm glad your husbands family still keep in touch with you.  My husband's family don't  keep in touch with me.   To them I'm not related to them any longer.  

[KayC]

I think Gail's experience is more atypical; unfortunately, I think all too many of our families do not remember/acknowledge our grief.  Hence this forum.

[John9]

I did receive a phone call from my loving wife's Cousin last night, but she didn't know that it has been a year since MIL (her Aunt) died. And as much as the call was good in it's own way, she is an alcoholic and as the call progressed so did her drunkenness. But I talk to her because I have known her for 36 of her 38 years, and she just passed the 2 year Anniversary of losing her on/off Boyfriend last week and nobody in her family understands. Of course they don't understand me either.

[NiquesMom]

This time last year was the last time my husband was under the same roof as me and our son. I am laying here reliving the last fews days before he went to the dr: making rice in the morning for him (he liked to pour milk and sugar over it) so i knew he could have something to eat, watching Frasier reruns, trying to convince him to get checked out and him angry at me telling me he was getting better. When I dropped him off at the ER never thought it would be the last time I drove him anywhere.

I am so sad and lonely and angry. Feel like I don't belong anywhere. 

I know my son needs me, and i know my husband wouldnt have had the quality of life he wanted, but what I wouldn't do for one more hug! I regret not climbing into the hospital bed when he was dying but his sister was there so I sat next to him and held his hand, talked and sang and kissed his face. 

 

[April Ballou]

@NiquesMom I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble.   I understand,  next week it will be 2 years since my husband passed away.  Still so hurt, so lonely.   I have Noone here with me.  I will keep you in my prayers. 

[Lost7]

Dear Niquesmom &April Ballou

I am so sorry that our husbands are love our life has left us. I understand the magnitude of the pain it is so difficult to write and read the devastating pain. I have the chance to crawl in the bed with my husband in the hospital when he was dying ironically I did not because I didn't want to hurt him cause him any more pain. The doctors had him on pain medication and a drug that kept him completely paralyzed while he was intubated I don't know what my fault process was and I wish I had crawled up there and laid with him. I too just caressed him, sang to him and told him how much I loved him always. I had great faith that he was going to be completely healed and come home with me, I would give anything to have him back in my arms.

Lost7 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 I didn't get to be with my husband.   Because of covid I didn't even get to see him until 3 days before he died.  And it was through a glass wall and glass door.  The last day I finally got to hold his hand until he passed away.  As much as I miss him, I don't want him to be on this crzy mixed up world.

[Lost7]

Dear April Ballou

December 10th 2021 I dropped my husband off in the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing due to covid. The emergency room allowed me to wheel him into a hospital room and stay with him but told me once I left I would not be able to come back. I was scheduled to get the antibodies that morning and I stayed as long as I could. If I really thought that my husband was going to die I would not have left him. I was not allowed to see him until December 19th they called me in the middle of the night and said he only had a couple hours to live My son drove me to the hospital I was able to go up and see him before they intubated him...he died January 5th 2022. I am grateful that I was allowed in the room with him and I only hope that he could fill my presence. I'm so sorry for the horrible way that your husband passed.

Lost7 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 I am sorry about your husband.  Itthe hardest part is having to go through this alone.  

[NiquesMom]

Christopher went in the hospital 8/31/21. He was on breathing treatments and seemed to be getting better slowly. On 9/10/21 he was intubated and i was allowed to see him for a few hours but he was already in the medical coma. On 9/13/21 he coded and I was allowed to see him after they brought him back. Finally on 9/22/21 they changed the rules and I was allowed to visit everyday. I worked it with my job and went almost every single day until his death 6/6/22. It was only a couple hours on weekdays because I was still working and taking care of our son. On weekends I tried to stay 5-6 hours a day but it was hard because our son couldnt visit. Those rules finally changed in april 2022. Kyle had not seen his dad for 6 months. He started going on the weekends with me. I told him when u love someone u show up for them, not just when it is easy.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

i know my husband wouldnt have had the quality of life he wanted, but what I wouldn't do for one more hug!

This is what I so relate to.  And I'm glad you have your son to live for, great incentive for what could be so empty without it.

[John9]

Hello all,

It is really hard to read all of these posts because I can relate so much. I was allowed to visit my loving wife in the Hospital but I was also the only one caring for MIL who had dementia so visits were real short. My loving wife went into the Hospital on Thursday morning, I visited her on Thursday night but had to leave too soon. On Friday morning my loving wife had a heart attack and they called to say they were going to put in a stent, but I was not able to be there because of MIL. Later after it was done the Doctor called and said what he did and that my loving wife was unable to have any visitors yet. I went to see her Friday night and she looked good all things considered, but again I couldn't stay long. Saturday morning I called and she didn't answer the phone and I called the Nurses station and they said they would have to call me back, they didn't. So I went to see my loving wife and she was in distress and then one of the Doctors pulled me into the hallway and that was the first time I was told that things were not going well. They kicked me out so they could do some procedures and I had to leave to take care of MIL and when I was at home, another Doctor called me and said that they wanted to transfer her to another Hospital if they could find one that would be able to help her and they would let me know. They never let me know, I ended up calling and the Nurse said that they had just taken her by Air Ambulance to U of M Hospital. The Hospital called me to inform me that her heart and lings had stopped and wanted to know what they wanted me to do and I said "do everything you can" and after about 30 minutes they called back to say that she was gone. I never really had a chance to say goodbye in a proper way, even though before I left her I did say I love you and she responded but because of the oxygen mask I never got to hear her sweet voice. If  I had known that my loving wife was going to die, I never would have left her and sadly MIL would have had to be alone until one of her family  could care for her. I will never forgive myself for not being there when my loving wife needed me the most. So in my own way I understand how hard all of the things you are going through are. Grief is personal and yet it is also universally terrible in so many ways. Nobody should have to experience this kind of pain and suffering. And yes as much as I want my loving wife to be here, I would never want her to suffer in any way. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

Well I'm not sure why I'm here.  I believe that God has a plan. But I just wished that I knew what it is.  I miss my husband so much. 

[Lost7]

Yes I agree I'm not sure why God has left me here without my sweet loving husband but I'm sure he has a plan and I'm waiting for him to reveal it to me. I don't know that I'm any used to anyone in a condition that I am in. As I mentioned before our first grandchild was born 5 days before he passed he knew all about her and was anxiously waiting to meet her. So I do go and babysit her and see her everyday and tell her how much we both love her. What a joy it would have been for our family to me whole!

Lost7 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 Yes I agree grandkids are nice to have around.  I am like you waiting for God to reveal His plan for me.  Four of my grandkids were with me over the weekend.  My youngest just turned 4, so we celebrated her birthday. 

[Lost7]

April

I am mostly okay when I am with my grandbaby I guess the hardest times or when I go home alone in an empty house or when they leave when they visit and I'm alone again. I'm glad you got to celebrate with them I'm sure that was fun.

Lost7 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 yes everyone had a good time.  It was nice seeing my son and his family.   I'm the same way.  Im in a 3 bedroom and 2 bath trailer house all by myself.   So very lonely,, especially at night.

[Lost7]

I am here April.

Hugs Lost7 

[April Ballou]

Thanks @Lost7.  I'm here for you too. ❤ 

[Robert D.]

I just asked the Lord what His plan is for me too.....without my beloved JoAnn I am....like you guys...in intense lonliness...without her specifically, but generally too....The job helps only in that I'm not at home during it....I drive for a living...home everyday....but isolated in vehicle by myself all day too....I hope I'm not off topic too far....do not have grandkids...my wife did....Hope you both have a good day/night....as much as can be possible....I am very quickly learning that my whole life has been catastrophically changed......I'm under a month into this nightmare and ready for the Lord to come get me.....God bless! Robert

[NiquesMom]

Hi robert, I am coming up on 3 months. The loneliness is hard. I have a 9 year old to take care of, work to go to, but I am just going thru the motions. No real joy. I know it will come back in time, we will find moments of happiness but we will never return to the completeness of having that person who knew us, could piss us off just by the tone of their sigh, or make all our worries disappear with a hug.

Hang in there

[Robert D.]

Thank you!

[John9]

1 hour ago, Robert D. said:

I am very quickly learning that my whole life has been catastrophically changed......I'm under a month into this nightmare and ready for the Lord to come get me.....God bless! Robert

Robert D,

I am sorry for your loss. I am at 535 days and I am so past the point at which I want GOD to let this end. My loving wife and I always wanted to be like her Grandparents who died after 50+ years of marriage within 2 weeks of each other. My life ended when my loving wife died and this is barely any sort of existence now, but sadly yes my whole world changed in a matter of hours, days and months. My whole reason for existing was my loving wife and caring for my friend and her Mother, who died before and after her. So everything changed too much and too quickly. Take care, John

[Robert D.]

I'm sorry for your loss too! My life has also effectively ended....I wanted the Lord to wait till the rapture of the church to take JoAnn and i.......I know God has His reasons...I really do.....and I do trust Him....but I do know, already, the consequences of my wife dying has effectively taken out...is taking out... my life too....not being able to be loved by her...me not being able to in return.........Thanks John.

[April Ballou]

@Robert D. I am so sorry about your wife.  I know that God has a plan and I'll be glad when God reveals His plan for me and for all of us.

[KayC]

@John9 Your last time with your wife/hospital sounds so much like mine with George, so very much, it's uncanny.  I, too, feel the same, if only...

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

@John9 Your last time with your wife/hospital sounds so much like mine with George, so very much, it's uncanny.  I, too, feel the same, if only...

Kay C,

I know that you have been on this journey a lot longer than I have, but I really don't know how much more of this I can handle. I really need and want this to end, so much pain and suffering and so much loneliness. And the legal issues that just drag on do me no good either, always just hanging over me. I would like the peace I hope my loving wife has found. Take care, john

[April Ballou]

@John9 yes this journey is the hardest journey that I have ever gone through.   I'm like you John, it's the loneliness that's the hardest part.  I don't like being alone.  But I guess that's my life now.  We can make it.

[KayC]

When it looms before me, the "rest of my life," no, I can't take it either, but I find I can do today, so I do today.  Maybe that's living in a fantasy world, IDK, but I only know I take one day at a time.  Looking ahead too much, nope, not so much.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

When it looms before me, the "rest of my life," no, I can't take it either, but I find I can do today, so I do today.  Maybe that's living in a fantasy world, IDK, but I only know I take one day at a time.  Looking ahead too much, nope, not so much.

KayC,

I get it, but sometimes even one day at a time is hard and I am "lucky" to make it an hour at a time. It's hard especially when it is an event that really triggers me. And this Holiday weekend will be another of the many that will hurt more than the usual pain that comes from the weekends now.

[Mandmforlife]

On 6/5/2022 at 1:33 PM, John9 said:

Mary,

I am sorry for your loss. One thing I can say is that this forum and others have really helped me, I need to vent, cry, write and listen to others who have gone through this terrible thing. I hope that you continue to come here and post and read and I also hope that you have some sort of support from friends or family. It has been 449 days since my loving wife died and I am still struggling, but I don't think I would be here without the support I have received from people here.

I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond. I've been in and out of substance abuse places trying to get my life together. I am very sorry to hear about your wife. I'm beginning to learn that we are definitely going to have grief for a heck of a lot longer than I would like to.

 

[KayC]

I applaud you for getting help and pray for a life with a future and hope to begin to emerge for you...

[Lost7]

Please keep trying. My husband and I had this talk many times...that when one of us dies the other would continue to live.....I am 6 years older than him and always thought I would go first. Imagine my shock when COVID took him at the age of 54. I know what I promised but it is so hard. I push every second of the day.,.this holiday weekend is going to be rough!

Lost7 

[KayC]

Will be thinking of all of you that esp. are having your first holiday weekend...

[April Ballou]

Not sure how but Wednesday it will be 2 years since the love of my life died.  Time has flown by.  I'm still making it day by day.