Realization

[John9]

It has been a bad week, leading up to a terrible day. Today is my loving wife's Birthday and it is the second on since she died. What should be a very happy time of the year is now just another of the many reminders that my loving wife isn't here with me. I really don't need to be reminded that my loving wife isn't here, I exist with that every day and night. I just miss her so much, more and more each day and night then the one before. I just don't understand why or how I am still here after everything that has gone on and is going on. Sorry, just need to express my feelings today especially. Take care, John

[LMR]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

It has been a bad week, leading up to a terrible day. Today is my loving wife's Birthday and it is the second on since she died. What should be a very happy time of the year is now just another of the many reminders that my loving wife isn't here with me. I really don't need to be reminded that my loving wife isn't here, I exist with that every day and night. I just miss her so much, more and more each day and night then the one before. I just don't understand why or how I am still here after everything that has gone on and is going on. Sorry, just need to express my feelings today especially. Take care, John

I'm sorry John. It is just so hard trying to carry on without the love of our lives. Those special days are now unbearably painful.

Thinking of you.

 

[NiquesMom]

Im sorry john. We all know there are no words to make you feel better, but you have all our love. I am nowhere near to this dates yet, but I am already dreading the first set of holidays for us without my husband. Sending you love and strength.

[Jemiga70]

I'm sorry John.  Maybe I can empathize even just a little.  This past June I somehow lived through my wife's birthday for the 2nd time and it was terrible, and the days leading up to it were bad too. Those days are just so difficult now and I absolutely hate them.  I'm not yet at a stage (?) where the date doesnt trigger me. ((Hug))

[KayC]

John, thinking of you as you're going through this, I'm so sorry.  George's birthday (June 14) had a good meaning this year...my daughter's divorce was signed off on (5 1/2 years in the making).  I wish everyone had a silver lining, but alas this is the first one I've had.

Jemiga, I don't know of a way to not be triggered on their bdy or death day...in my situation, fiive days apart.

Thinking of everyone going through bdy or death day...

[John9]

30 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

I'm sorry John.  Maybe I can empathize even just a little.  This past June I somehow lived through my wife's birthday for the 2nd time and it was terrible, and the days leading up to it were bad too. Those days are just so difficult now and I absolutely hate them.  I'm not yet at a stage (?) where the date doesnt trigger me. ((Hug))

Jemiga70,

Thank you for the comments.I think I will always have issues and there will always be some sort of triggers. But it just seems that for me there are more triggers because there were so many deaths in a short period of time. MIL's Birthday is in 11 days and then the Anniversary of her death will be August 29. Then there will be my Birthday in September. It just seems that there is never any sort of peace. Take care, John

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I'm sorry John. It is just so hard trying to carry on without the love of our lives. Those special days are now unbearably painful.

Thinking of you.

 

LMR,

Thank you and yes special days/events hurt so much more now instead of being happy times. Take care, John

[John9]

NiquesMom,

Thank you for the wishes. Take care, John

[John9]

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

John, thinking of you as you're going through this, I'm so sorry.  George's birthday (June 14) had a good meaning this year...my daughter's divorce was signed off on (5 1/2 years in the making).  I wish everyone had a silver lining, but alas this is the first one I've had.

Jemiga, I don't know of a way to not be triggered on their bdy or death day...in my situation, fiive days apart.

Thinking of everyone going through bdy or death day...

KayC,

Thank you for the wishes. You are correct about silver linings, there aren't many. I am glad in a way that my loving wife never suffered any of this grieving. I would rather she be here with me though and nobody ever suffer a grief like this. And as I said before there are/were just too many deaths for me so I am always dealing with some sort of trigger because of a "date" of some sort. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@John9 my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I was blessed this year by my friends.   1 of my friends texted me, another called me, another had lunch with me, and the last invited me to her house.  Last year for his birthday my children,  grandchildren,  and I went to Galveston.   I understand about struggling.  I miss Darrell so much.  I still wish he was here and I was gone.  But no matter what this is the life that I have to live.  

[KayC]

John,

That is how the months of March and June are for me..I lost both of my sisters in March, my dad's bdy and parent's anniversary are in June, George's bdy and death day (on Father's Day) in June, so those are the hardest.  I lost my mom in August but it was actually a blessing as she had advanced dementia and it was kind of a relief for her to get to so finally, she'd suffered enough.  But I am sorry for anyone going through this, it's the toughest thing in the world.  My dad left in April.  My MIL in Sept. close to her bdy.  I don't know that anyone ever gets used to this. 

 

[Carol34]

John, I know this day is hard for you, and I feel bad that you're going through this.    Today would have been my father's birthday. And although he passed away in 1983, today is still hard for me. Also, the first week of every month is hard for me now.  Paul went to Hospice on the first of October, and passed away on the 7th.  My mind reminds me of this every month.  

[KayC]

10 hours ago, cmp34 said:

And although he passed away in 1983, today is still hard for me

Mine was 1982....yes, still hard.

[John9]

Thank you to all, for all of the kind words. I know that there will always be some sort of reminder for anyone that we have lost. As I have said before, I never knew my Mother because she died when I was 2 but I think of her every November 11th and wonder "why and what if". It is just so much different when the most important person in your life is the one who dies so suddenly and you can't seem to pick up the pieces. When my friend died, it was expected and as some have said it was a relief for all because his health was failing quickly. When MIL died it was also a relief because she was failing quickly too and I was trying (and failing) to care for her all alone. But even though many of the recent deaths were somewhat expected, I still miss them and the fact that there were so many and I have lost most support hurts really bad too. This is why I will say again that I need to come here and vent and write and I appreciate all of the support I receive. But I will also say, I just want all of this to end. Take care, John

[KayC]

Oh John, I am so sorry you lost your mom so young!  How hard!  

[John9]

And so it continues, Just found out that another so called professional can't seem to handle paperwork that is a part of their job. When Son finally sold the house that he inherited from his Grandmother (MIL) someone didn't cross a T, or dot an I and the Deed has been red tagged with the County. So this seems like it will never end, the buyer dragged their feet on a final water bill reading so I was right about Son not receiving any money in regards to that as well because there was a 60 day time limit in the contract. And I am still waiting for the IRS to finish MIL's taxes, which the website now states that it could be an additional 6 months because......And the weekend was not a good one because it was another weekend without my loving wife here with me, after her Birthday which was a part of the weekend. Take care, John

[Jemiga70]

John, I'm sorry to hear about the constant paperwork and legal things and bureaucracy, all of which seem endless.  I say that because I'm going through my own endless paperwork and bureaucracy and it makes me want to scream because people are either incompetent or corrupt or maybe a bit of both, but certainly they are apathetic.  They certainly dont give a damn about me that is obvious. I'm also sad to hear your weekend wasnt nice.  These times are just so damn hard. I wish my life had a fast-forward button. You take care,

[KayC]

John, I am so sorry, I don't know what in the world would make a county alert to a house, doesn't make sense to me, transfer of title is either done correctly or not, and if not, it shouldn't have been accepted when it was done!  I hope it gets straightened out.

We've been going through much with regards to wildfire, the Forestry Dept just arbitrarily sent us all a letter in our area (and in other places in OR) saying we need to cut a swath of 50' around each of our buildings (house, carport, shed that's rotting), this is in forested property!  It would destroy the property value, ruin privacy, cause us to lose our insurability, and meanwhile, they provide no means by which to do so!  The outcry was large.  They've put it on the back burner, no pun intended, we'll see what next year brings, but it brought an added stress I do not need.

So much for government.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

So much for government.

KayC,

Sadly, I have said for years that the "People" who make decisions have no idea how things work in the real world. It seems to work on paper, but never translates to real life. Hopefully they will figure out a better solution than to cut everything down. This is my opinion only, but it just seems that nobody listens anymore or nobody cares. Take care, John

[John9]

12 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

These times are just so damn hard. I wish my life had a fast-forward button. You take care,

Jemiga70,

It seems since my loving wife died, that my existence is stuck in slow motion. I do want this all to end in every context though. It just seems so endless and so overwhelming all of the time and the loneliness is unbearable as well. Take care, John

[LMR]

14 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I wish my life had a fast-forward button.

I wish I had a rewind!

[April Ballou]

@LMR I don't want to go back.  I just want Darrell here.  

[LMR]

31 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

@LMR I don't want to go back.  I just want Darrell here.  

But don't we all think we could have done something different. Even if the outcome had been the same I wish that I had parked myself outside his window all dsy, every day- I wasn't allowed to visit because of covid but I still wish I had done more. It breaks my heart to think about it now.

[April Ballou]

Yeah I understand that.  When I took Darrell to the hospital I couldn't even say goodbye to him.  I had to go home.  The dr told me to self quarantine for 2 weeks.  Then when I was finally able to see him I couldn't even touch him.  I could only see him through a glass door.  It wasn't until I told them to turn the machine off that I was finally able to touch him.  But only with gloves on. 

[John9]

LMR,

I think every day and every night how I failed my loving wife and how I was not there when she needed me the most. Covid was not the issue, I was allowed to visit my loving wife while she was in the Hospital. However I was caring for my MIL and was unable to be with my loving wife. IF I had known how things were going to transpire I never would have left my loving wife's side and would have tried to be on the Helicopter too. But things did not work out the way they should have and I now have to exist with all of these thoughts along with the pain and suffering and all of the loneliness. I would change things if I could but I know I can't and that I don't need or want in my broken brain. I have too many other thoughts in there already that I am barely able to handle. Take care, John

[Roxeanne]

John don't torture yourself...you cannot change things not now and not in your past...life goes on and we are not in control of it!

Let go if/what if/if i ever known/...thoughts that only make harder your days with pain and regrets...

You did the best you can! ...let go and find some peace! 

 

 

 

[John9]

Roxeanne,

Thank you, IF ONLY it was that easy to do. I have always had issues with an over active "brain" but it has been so much worse since my loving wife died. I am trying and venting and writing and listening here helps. So I keep coming to release some of the thoughts I have to contend with. take care, John

[April Ballou]

One thing that everyone ha said is right, you can't change the past.  I can't dwell on the what is.  That's not how it turned out.  I don't feel guilty because I know that Darrell didn't want to be kept alive by machines.   As much as I would love to have him here, he's in heaven now.  Not hurting anymore.   I hate my lonely life.  But I am not quitting.  I want to carry out Darrells wishes.  He told me to find another man when he died.  I want to.  Just not sure of how to go about it.  Never went looking for a man before.

[Roxeanne]

13 hours ago, John9 said:

, IF ONLY it was that easy to do. 

John i know it's not easy...the same for me! For a long time i tortured myself with the thought that i could save him...but it was impossible!

We are not Superheroes, we are only fragile humans!

Try every day to change your look...life happens and we are not in control! Remember this when you're feeling guilt and in pain for your wife...you have to help a little yourself....it's so hard living with the unbereable sorrow...

[KayC]

17 hours ago, April Ballou said:

When I took Darrell to the hospital I couldn't even say goodbye to him.  I had to go home.  The dr told me to self quarantine for 2 weeks.  Then when I was finally able to see him I couldn't even touch him.  I could only see him through a glass door.  It wasn't until I told them to turn the machine off that I was finally able to touch him.  But only with gloves on. 

Wow, I'm very thankful I didn't go through this loss during Covid, it was hard enough..  I can't imagine.  But I am very sorry for everyone whose experience this was. 

 

[NiquesMom]

I finally called an estate lawyer to see what to do about the medical bills since christopher died. He said I need to call them and let them know, probably send the death certs and that most of them will probably just write them off. So, the first one I called was very nice and just told me to email the death certs and they will start the process to see if there is anything from his estate. The second one I called was so mean. She says "well, this is a lot of money and someone needs to pay this!" I told her he is dead so no income from him, what does she want? Had to call back a second time and got a much nicer individual and sent the death certs. Of course doing this at work since the medical places are only open the same time I am working. She made me so mad I was crying at my desk.

This is just going to be an ongoing thing since the medical bills can be filed up to 1 year from date of service, appeals, insurance.

Such a crappy day today

[John9]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

This is just going to be an ongoing thing since the medical bills can be filed up to 1 year from date of service, appeals, insurance.

Such a crappy day today

NiquesMom,

Sadly, it seems each State allows different rules. When my loving wife died and the bills came, I called and told them that she died and that there was no money in her Estate. Also Michigan states that unless the spouse agreed to the medical debt, it belongs to the deceased. This was a sticking point with some debts, and one in particular said they would send it to collection and it would affect my loving wife's credit report. I said go ahead because her credit file is closed and she is deceased, so nobody should be using it. I am not sure if Florida follows the same rule in regards to medical debt. If they insist on payment, pay the least that you can for as long as you can. But find out before you make any payments IF you are liable, because if you accept responsibility that might change the rules. I am sorry that you have run into people who don't seem to care that you are grieving your Husband. I hope I didn't make this worse for you. Take care, John

[KayC]

21 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

"well, this is a lot of money and someone needs to pay this!"

I remortgaged the bills when a hospital (a catholic "charity") started hounding me with 20% interest!  I thought I was making a smart move as the mortgage was only 7.5% at the time, later did again at 3.9%.  Four years later I found out I'd been had, my GF lost her husband and they wrote it off.    Live and learn, I'm still paying on it 17 years later...

16 hours ago, John9 said:

unless the spouse agreed to the medical debt, it belongs to the deceased.

In OR too, I learned the HARD way!  We had $120 when he died, and no $ for an attorney, plus being in a state of shock and grief fog...

16 hours ago, John9 said:

if you accept responsibility that might change the rules.

Yep.

 

[John9]

It is 17 months since my loving wife died and it is no easier or better than it was on the first day. It will be 1 year since MIL died at the end of August and her Estate is still dragging on. There is a newer song playing now that just really hits my broken heart, "Growing old with you" by Restless Road. It just really says what our life together was supposed to be, not how it has turned out to be. Just too much and so hard. Take care, john

[KayC]

20 hours ago, John9 said:

It just really says what our life together was supposed to be, not how it has turned out to be.

Yes, ours too.

I keep wondering what happened to tnd. 

 

[John9]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, ours too.

I keep wondering what happened to tnd. 

 

KayC,

Yes I think of tnd everyday and also OldTrojan too. I hope that they are at peace and not suffering somewhere still. It just seems to be getting harder as the days pass and not any easier. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

I keep wondering what happened to tnd. 

Yes, I do too. 

I am sad if she died alone, with no one advocating for her.  Francis and her family will think no one cared that Tnd lived or died.  That is not true, we care. 

On the other hand if she is reunited with her dear husband, her suffering is over.  I expect she would be happy with that outcome. 

If she is still living, I worry about what her living conditions must be, that she has not been able to contact us. 

It is unsettling not knowing what happened. I pray that she is not suffering. 

Gail

[KayC]

You and me both, Gail and John.  And if she is with her husband, what of her cats?  Probably at a shelter...it kills me to think what stories animals could tell if only they could...

[John9]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Yes, I do too. 

I am sad if she died alone, with no one advocating for her.  Francis and her family will think no one cared that Tnd lived or died.  That is not true, we care. 

On the other hand if she is reunited with her dear husband, her suffering is over.  I expect she would be happy with that outcome. 

If she is still living, I worry about what her living conditions must be, that she has not been able to contact us. 

It is unsettling not knowing what happened. I pray that she is not suffering. 

Gail

Gail 8588,

I have thought often about tnd, and I have wondered about her cats as well. As you say if she is with her Husband then she is where she wants to be. If she is still alive and suffering, then that really would upset me because we all cared about her but were unable to do anything. I just hope whatever has happened or is happening that her cats are being cared for properly.

Just an update on my ongoing issues with paperwork. My loving wife died just over 17 months ago, when she wasn't feeling well she went to get tested for Covid at an Urgent Care Clinic. She was charged a copay for the tests and she shouldn't have been but didn't feel like arguing. Today my loving wife received a refund in the mail for the copay, and when I say she received it the check is in her name. I contacted them and am waiting to see if they will reissue the check in my name. I shouldn't have taken 17 months to issue the refund. Also today I received another email from the VAERS in regards to the information I sent them and again they are requesting her Birth date. I have called them and I have emailed them and the online form doesn't work, so I sent it again today. This is also 17 months since I started this paperwork. So again I will vent and say, why can nobody seem to do the simple things right. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@John9 your bank may have cashed the check or let you deposit it.  I received a check after my husband died and took it to my bank.  I know one of the assistant managers.  She knew my husband was gone.  She gave permission to cash it.  Most places that ask for a birthday want a copy of their birth certificate.   Not sure about all places.  Hope this information helps you.

[Roxeanne]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

And if she is with her husband, what of her cats?  Probably at a shelter...it kills me to think what stories animals could tell if only they could...

I really lost hope for Tnd...it's not like her this silence for all this time! And her poor cats... maybe miserable and scared in the streets! 

I don't really trust that crazy family...!!!

i hope soon she'll write a post...but...

[John9]

2 hours ago, April Ballou said:

@John9 your bank may have cashed the check or let you deposit it.  I received a check after my husband died and took it to my bank.  I know one of the assistant managers.  She knew my husband was gone.  She gave permission to cash it.  Most places that ask for a birthday want a copy of their birth certificate.   Not sure about all places.  Hope this information helps you.

April,

I know I can take the chance to deposit the check, HOWEVER if it comes back then I lose almost half of the amount to fees from the bank. I will wait and see what the response is and see where I go from here. The Agency isn't asking for any information except her Birth date, but the issue is that the left hand and the right hand aren't communicating. The emails and letters say what to do, and then when I try it doesn't work. I call and there always busy and I leave messages and they say they will return the call and they don't. They gave me a number to download the information online and the website says the number is invalid. They say to email the information and I have multiple times and they just keep requesting the same thing. So I keep doing what they ask and I keep running into walls. But it took them almost a year to respond in the first place, so maybe they will finally figure it out or I will die and not have to worry anymore.

[KayC]

John, another of those bureaucratic things to deal with.

I got a call from my daughter yesterday, after nearly 2 1/2 months, it surprised me.  I asked her if she ever got her divorce papers.  No.  How long can it take to send them?  I thought that was standard!  I guess nothing is anymore.

[John9]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

John, another of those bureaucratic things to deal with.

I got a call from my daughter yesterday, after nearly 2 1/2 months, it surprised me.  I asked her if she ever got her divorce papers.  No.  How long can it take to send them?  I thought that was standard!  I guess nothing is anymore.

KayC,

Sadly we have been discussing the delays for what seems to be forever. I have never dealt with a divorce and I wouldn't begin to know how the paperwork was processed before Covid and how much longer it takes now. I do know that all of the Probate dealings are very much longer and the website here has extended the backlog from 3 weeks to now 5 weeks or longer. And that is just to start the processes. So I am sorry that your Daughter still has that hanging over her.

Today is another trigger, it is MIL's Birthday and even though she was not my Mother she was in my life for about 36 years. And as I said then in less than 2 weeks will be the 1 year Anniversary of her death. So much and too much at the same time, and still waiting for the IRS to process her taxes, which seems like it has been forever too.

[KayC]

John, I'm sorry you faced her bdy alone, and I know all too well how hard it is to go through that.  It seems unreal to me that after all this time, still probate taking forever...

[John9]

Just letting everyone know I am still here, it isn't getting any easier or any better. Last week my Central Air needed a new blower installed, and they installed the incorrect one and of course it was when it was hot and humid. 4 days without any A/C was not fun and did not me feel any better, hot, sticky and all alone. Made my terrible sleep even worse. They did get it fixed Monday but it took 3 technicians to figure it all out. I am so tired of being a responsible adult, I want someone else to be in charge. Sorry just venting again.

[Gail 8588]

John, 

I so get it. I also feel like I am just too tired to keep on being the responsible adult.  There is just too much for one person to do to keep up a house alone. Stuff is constantly in need of repair. It is so hard to find people to do the repairs.  Rightly or wrongly, I often feel like folks take advantage a single old woman like me who needs car repairs or home repairs.  But lately I can hardly find anyone to do the work I need done, even at grossly overpriced rates. 

It's exhausting, even in my very downsized home. 

Gail 

[Sparky1]

I know the feelings. Monday I went to do the laundry and the washing machine is busted. I called the repairman and he doesn't know when he'll be able to come to check it out. Today my new computer went on the fritz and tomorrow I have to box it up real nice and have it Fed Ex'd to get it fixed. Cost to ship is $150 plus tax. Plus cost of boxes and wrapping material. Today cleaned the bathrooms in the house and had a rough time as the master bedroom one brought back so many memories. The last week or so the grief has hit me like a train at full speed. Friday I have to go and get my eye checked after the cataract surgery as it's been bothering me a bit. Monday I have to go for an ultrasound on both shoulders. They both have rotator cuff tears but my dominant right arm is killing me. Very hard to do much of anything too strenuous. My love is not here to support me and this is just tearing away at my being. Sometimes it's so overwhelming.

[April Ballou]

I hate making decisions by myself.   I find myself questioning everything I do.   I have a hard time with simple things.   Like cleaning my house,  I have to do 1 room at a time, then sit and rest.  My knees get to hurting.  I relied on Darrell maybe too much.   He meant so much to me.  My first and only love.  He saved me from living with my mother.  Now I'm so alone.  There are little things that I would like to have done.  But can't afford to pay anyone to do them and I'm afraid to get on the step ladder.  I have already fallen off it enough.   Back when Darrell first past away I think I fell 6-12 times in 3 months.  But if they don't get done nobody will ever know.   In 2 weeks it will be 2 years since Darrell died.

[NiquesMom]

I am in a "fake it until you make it" mood. Hate everyone but still have to put on a smile and try to make it through work without getting fired or pissing off my coworkers. I dont want to be at work but I dont want to be at home either. Trying to get my 9 year old to help me around the house because I have back issues. Twice in the last 6 months I have been unable to walk due to the pain so i have to be careful.

Yardwork, cleaning, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping....it never ends. My husband and i had a good division of labor. I never wanted to do all this by myself.

Feel so alone, everyone has their own lives. 

Almost 3 months, dont want to do this the rest of my life without my husband. We did everything together. Not only did I lose my husband, I lost my best friend. Cant make a new best friend at 42.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I am so tired of being a responsible adult, I want someone else to be in charge.

OMG, this is such a common feeling in grief!  I think it's because we shared in everything with our partner, we were a team, even if we're the one that handled such things, we received much emotional support from them and didn't FEEL we were on our own with it...now we do with EVERYTHING!

John, I'm so sorry you suffered through the heat w/o A/C.   What a time to go tthrough it!

We're getting another heat wave later this week, right now low 90s.  I made it to dinnertime before turning on my A/C.  Then shut it off at bedtime.

I was on my trip three days to take care of my grandkids (who were both sick), my laptop quit, doing weird stuff like pages flashing up/down, won't hold still, and typing backwards.  I left it at my son's, but he'd never heard of such a thing!  He has a computer engineering degree and used to own a computer busiiness!  I feel vulnerable w/o my backup go to.  Seems it's always something.

April, I have fallen so many times, once at my grandkids a few days ago, landed on my tailbone in a blackberry thicket.  It's still hard to sit on it.  And Sparky, I can relate to your rotator cuffs with my hands, I've had 11 injuries, 5 of them major, leaving me with so much pain and loss of strength...makes it hard to manage my place!  I badly need thiis place cleaned out but can't do it by myself nor can I afford to hire someone.  With any luck I'll die here and they can just tear the place down and haul it off...but not while Kodie is alive...I want to live as long as he does.

Niquesmom, I'm sorry, it sounds pretty rough to go through all those issues so young.  I've had 17 years of this, yep, it gets old.