Realization

[Mandmforlife]

Hello my name is Mary and I am very new to this my husband under God died almost 3 months ago due to an overdose and I woke up beside him and his eyes were open and he was looking at me but he was gone I am not only dealing with this grief I am also dealing with addiction and depression as well and I am having a really hard time with his death.

[John9]

Mary,

I am sorry for your loss. One thing I can say is that this forum and others have really helped me, I need to vent, cry, write and listen to others who have gone through this terrible thing. I hope that you continue to come here and post and read and I also hope that you have some sort of support from friends or family. It has been 449 days since my loving wife died and I am still struggling, but I don't think I would be here without the support I have received from people here.

[KayC]

Mary, we welcome you here, I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.  It not only helps us process our grief, but it helps to know there are others that "get it" and understand. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  To say this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through is and understatement, I never expected to lose my husband/soulmate/best friend so soon, we met in our mid 40s and he was gone right after his 51st birthday, we only had each other 6 1/2 years.  It has to be hard to deal with so many issues at once, I hope you have a counselor to help guide you through this, it can help immensely if the right one.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[NiquesMom]

Not sur if this is the right page. So many to choose from. I am on the Loss of a Child page (My daughter died 4.5 years ago) .

My husband died on Monday night. 16 years together. With him until the end. We have a 9 year old. 

Learning as I get further in this path that each loss is different. Again I am the only one in My circle to have this loss. None of my friends had list a child, and now none of them have lost a spouse.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

I am on the Loss of a Child page (My daughter died 4.5 years ago) .

My husband died on Monday night.

I am so sorry.  You can post anywhere...many like to start their own thread so people are sure to see it, as this is an ongoing one that some may not check.

I am so sorry you have both of these losses, either of which alone feels too much, but together, definitely!   Welcome to our tribe here, we are all going through this together...as you say, your friends have not gone through either of these losses and can't begin to relate to what they haven't experienced; while they care, they may not know how to respond.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[John9]

6 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Not sur if this is the right page. So many to choose from. I am on the Loss of a Child page (My daughter died 4.5 years ago) .

My husband died on Monday night. 16 years together. With him until the end. We have a 9 year old. 

Learning as I get further in this path that each loss is different. Again I am the only one in My circle to have this loss. None of my friends had list a child, and now none of them have lost a spouse.

NiquesMom,

As KayC said there is no right or wrong place. I am sorry for all of your losses. In my own way I understand what you say about each loss being different. I have had too many in too short of a period of time and nobody knows this pain except someone who has experienced it. I hate that anyone has to experience it, but we are here if you want to vent or chat. It is why I come here and it has helped me. Please keep returning because it is very early for you in the grief process for the loss of your Husband. Take care, John

[John9]

So today Son was finally able to sign the paperwork selling MIL's (His) house, BUT of course there has to be an issue. He called for a final reading for the water bill so he can get the money being held in escrow for any outstanding bill owed. The meter isn't sending any information and he can't allow anyone in the house anymore because it isn't his, so the buyer has to contact the city. I don't think he will get any money back because there really is no incentive for the buyer to rush. But I may be wrong, anyway one less thing for me to worry about. Now just need the IRS to finish with MIL taxes and hopefully it will be over. But as we all know nothing is done until the paperwork is fone. And they always seem to find more somehow.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

one less thing for me to worry about.

I'm glad it's out of your hair now. "One less thing to worry about" -music to anyone's ear! 

 

[Gail 8588]

On 6/9/2022 at 4:27 AM, NiquesMom said:

Not sur if this is the right page. So many to choose from. I am on the Loss of a Child page (My daughter died 4.5 years ago) .

My husband died on Monday night. 16 years together. With him until the end. We have a 9 year old. 

Learning as I get further in this path that each loss is different. Again I am the only one in My circle to have this loss. None of my friends had list a child, and now none of them have lost a spouse.

NiquesMom, 

I am so very sorry for your recent loss of your husband.  Loss of your spouse can be a life shattering experience by itself.  Compounded on the grief you were already enduring over the loss of your precious daughter, it is unimaginable. 

Sending you hugs and strength as you and your 9 year old try to find a way forward.

Gail

[KayC]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

The meter isn't sending any information and he can't allow anyone in the house anymore because it isn't his, so the buyer has to contact the city.

It seems bureaucracy has grown more convoluted, making it nigh impossible to deal with things in a death.  I checked on Peggy's yesterday...discovered the electricity is turned off.  So no lights or water.  It's going to be unbearably hot in the summer.  At least it's not winter, that would do damage to the house.  I can't bear to look at the place anymore.  Hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 months is all, it seems a LONG time ago.

 

[John9]

59 minutes ago, KayC said:

It seems bureaucracy has grown more convoluted, making it nigh impossible to deal with things in a death.  I checked on Peggy's yesterday...discovered the electricity is turned off.  So no lights or water.  It's going to be unbearably hot in the summer.  At least it's not winter, that would do damage to the house.  I can't bear to look at the place anymore.  Hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 months is all, it seems a LONG time ago.

 

KayC,

I feel the same way about the time since my loving wife died and all of the others as well. This is my opinion only, but I think when we are grieving AND waiting for things to be done it makes it seem longer. It is 454 days since my loving wife died and it seems like many many years and not almost 15 months. I understand not being able to look at a place that holds so many memories, as they can really hit hard sometimes. I will never understand the reasoning for any type of delays or extra "hoops" when it comes to dealing with any sort of estate. I understand making sure someone isn't committing any sort of fraud, but it should be so much easier for all involved to settle and be done with that portion of things. Grief is so much worse for me when things are just hanging over my head.

[KayC]

She has a freezer full of food in the garage, the whole thing will need to go now, don't know if they take those at the dump or not...probably not.  Nowhere to get rid of it in locally anyway.

[Gail 8588]

Kay,

What a shame that both the food was wasted and that the freezer was ruined. Probably the same for the fridge in the house.

It is frustrating to see such waste, because that is not how we (us hardworking, frugal old people) would have done it. While the power was still on, we would have cleaned out the appliances,  distributed the good food to people who would eat it, throw out what was too old, put the half-full bottles of ketchup and such in our own fridges to use them up. It takes time and much effort. But then the chest freezer and fridge don't have to go to the dump, and the food is not wasted. 

A woman in my church group recently died. She had no family. The attorney serving as Personal Representative didn't want us to do anything, but we just couldn't do that. About 6 of us spent a weekend in the house cleaning (she had been quite ill for a couple of years and unknown to us things had gotten out of hand at her home.) 

When we left the house, everything was clean. No food or trash in the house. Appliances were propped open, boxes of baking soda inside.  Everything was in order, as we knew Ann would have wanted it. 

The contents of her house were sold at an auction 5 months later.  I am sure that if we hadn't cleaned the house, her belongings would have all gone to the dump as the food waste, dirty dishes etc would have drawn bugs or worse into the house. It would have been a mess. 

We were glad our friend's house was in order when it was sold. It was sort of our last gift to our friend. 

Gail

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

She has a freezer full of food in the garage, the whole thing will need to go now, don't know if they take those at the dump or not...probably not.  Nowhere to get rid of it in locally anyway.

KayC,

What I have found out is that because there is freon in appliances, nobody will take them unless you pay. Here if the appliances work, the electric company will pick them up and actually pay you for them. But I doubt that would happen now for you because they shut off the electricity even if your utility company offered it. It is a shame that this happens and that "nobody" cares. I understand that the companies want to be paid, but they just don't seem to have any concept of how estates work. I am sorry that someone now has to deal with that issue. Have you heard anymore about your Daughter's paperwork.

[John9]

52 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

We were glad our friend's house was in order when it was sold. It was sort of our last gift to our friend. 

Gail

Gail 8588,

When my friend died, he had a house in Florida as well as one in Michigan. Florida Probate wouldn't allow me to be P.R. and the Attorney had to be appointed to do it. And because the house there sat empty for 12 years, she had to remove some things but ended up just selling it as is. It is a shame that some things get out of hand. I had tried for the 12 years to get him to sell the house, but he was convinced he was going to be able to go back to Florida. Stubborn old man that he was, it cost him many thousands of dollars in taxes and insurance and various other fees. I don't think that what it sold for really covered the amounts he paid through the years.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

What a shame that both the food was wasted and that the freezer was ruined.

I cleaned out the refrigerator but couldn't do the freezer because it is bungee corded shut and my hands don't have the strength, I do regret not having cleaned it out though, I didn't foresee this, I was in shock and it was hard to think straight at the time.  The food was YEARS old so was not good, ice built up over years as well!  It originally probably just needed a new seal but yes the freezer will be no good anymore.  I wish I'd had the foresight to throw it all away while I had the dumpster there!

 

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

put the half-full bottles of ketchup and such in our own fridges to use them up.

I couldn't use her food, it was all high carb and no one wanted it, old, half used, it had to be tossed but I cleaned out the refrigerator right away and got rid of the food, gave away what I could.  I'm glad I saved the refrigerator!  At least the freezer is in a room off the house, even though enclosed, Lord knows how bad it'll smell over a summer.

I washed her clothes, did her dishes, cleaned as best as I could.  None of the family helped me.  My friend Laurel did.

22 hours ago, John9 said:

Have you heard anymore about your Daughter's paperwork.

Nothing decided or done yet.  It's been 11 days...

 Freon can be replaced unless the laws prohibit it now.  

[John9]

40 minutes ago, KayC said:

 Freon can be replaced unless the laws prohibit it now.  

KayC,

What I meant was that the owner has to pay to have the freon removed/recycled or they won't  take appliances. Too many people used to just cut the lines and release it into the air. Like everything else, some ruin it for everyone. It is just one of many things that nobody really needs to be dealing with when a loved one dies.

[John9]

Hello,

Just a note saying that I am still here and it isn't any easier for me. Still waiting for the IRS to do what they are supposed to do with MIL's taxes. I just want and need this to be over so I can have the Attorney file the paperwork to start the closing of Probate. I hate having things hanging over me and waiting for the other shoe to drop.Still seems like I move forward and backward at the same pace and make no real headway. I know I am further along than I was at the start, but it is still a pain in the....I guess I should be thankful that my loving wife never had to deal with any of this and that everyone at least left funds to pay for all of the fees. Just feel the need to vent. Thanks and take care. John

[Gail 8588]

John, 

It is extremely frustrating how slowly the court system is plodding along.  It is like their system was blown up when the pandemic started and they have never figured out a new way to operate. They also have not gone back to the old way the system worked.  

I was the victim of a burglary 2 and a half years ago and the case still isn't set for trial.  It's not due to any defense strategy, the accused is still sitting in jail. Every couple of months I get notice in the mail that the case is coming up for a status conference and that a trial date may be set. Then I get a letter stating there will be another status conference in 90 days.

I don't know when the court system will ever get on a reasonable schedule.  

From my side the burglary is not a big deal, nothing of significance was taken, but they did recover some of my property, so I will be called as a witness to identify it as having come from my home.  I just want the case to get over with.  It is annoying to have it just lingering for years.

Just joining you in a vent on our courts. 

Gail

[KayC]

Unreal,  There is no excuse for how things are handled anymore, nothing but red tape and bureaucracy.   II'm sorry for you both.

[John9]

So as everyone knows it is another long Holiday weekend and of course weekends are already hard for me. But the longer ones seem to hit a little harder because that would be when my loving wife would invite people to come for a cookout.  But there is nobody any longer who even reaches out, the good Sister quit calling and responding to my texts so it is pretty much just our Son and I and he has his own life. I went out yesterday to try to find some statuary for our Chihuahua's graves because it is something my loving wife and I wanted. I did manage to find something because the graves just looked bare without a memorial on them. Also managed to find a better one for our Catahoula even though it wasn't the correct breed. So even managing to do that long weekends are worse and of course the Holidays make the delays with the IRS just take longer because nobody is working. Just venting to keep my head from exploding. I just hope all of this ends soon. Otherwise have a Happy Fourth of July if you are celebrating. John

[Gail 8588]

Hi John, 

Holidays have continued to be hard for me. Even when I am with people, it is my husband I want to be with, to talk to.  

The 4th of July was always a fun and special time for our family as our younger son was born on the 4th.  It is a great day to have your birthday. 

I am invited to be with his family on the 4th and I will probably go though I really don't want to.  It is hard to hold that fake smile for so long, yet I don't want to be a sad sack around them. I'd rather just stay home missing my sweetie. 

On holidays I am still very much in the fake it until you make it mode.  Maybe one day I will be genuinely relaxed and happy on a holiday. Not there yet at 5 years. 

Gail

[John9]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am invited to be with his family on the 4th and I will probably go though I really don't want to. 

Gail 8588,

Maybe IF my loving wife's family had been there and were still there I would feel different. But all alone it just hits and hits hard every weekend and every Holiday or special occasion that my loving wife and I used to celebrate. I know that was so looking forward to being able to be all alone with my loving wife after we had cared for others for so long. And now I get to be all alone all by myself and I hate it so much. I am glad that your Husbands family is still there for you. John

[NiquesMom]

Even though I have a 9 year old, I feel so alone. Christopher was my best friend and we did everything together. Monday will be 4 weeks.  No one asked us to do anything so I guess it will just be me and my son.  Christopher always did the fireworks, they scare me so I don't think I will buy any.

I don't have many friends so I guess I will have to eventually make some new friends or I will ends up sitting in My house. I am trying to go out and do things for My son but most of the time I just want to lay on my bed and cry. 

I was just getting my feet under me after the death of my daughter, I don't want to do this all over again. Wish I could turn back time.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Even when I am with people, it is my husband I want to be with, to talk to.  

I am feeling this today, a little melancholy...want to be with someone but no one to be with, everyone has their plans, their families, I feel left out of what family I have left, all busy...no one wants me.  That is a very lonely feeling.  So glad I have Kodie!

John, glad you found a statuary.  I was told my yard work would be done this weekend, it wasn't.  I'd like the graves cleaned off but the weed whacking and mowing needs done. I used to be able to do both, now with my hand injuries I can't.  It's hard to be dependent on other people for anything.

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Not there yet at 5 years. 

Not feeling it...at 17 years.  Sigh...

Wishing you all the best!

 

 

 

[John9]

15 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Even though I have a 9 year old, I feel so alone. Christopher was my best friend and we did everything together. Monday will be 4 weeks.  No one asked us to do anything so I guess it will just be me and my son.  Christopher always did the fireworks, they scare me so I don't think I will buy any.

I don't have many friends so I guess I will have to eventually make some new friends or I will ends up sitting in My house. I am trying to go out and do things for My son but most of the time I just want to lay on my bed and cry. 

I was just getting my feet under me after the death of my daughter, I don't want to do this all over again. Wish I could turn back time.

NiquesMom,

I don't know if I have said that I am sorry for your loss, if I did I will say it again. 4 weeks is so recent and I can't imagine trying to do this with a young son too. I am all alone even in a crowd, this is the a terrible thing to go through especially without any support from family and friends. Sadly my loving wife and I didn't really have any friends because we would rather spend our time together. And we never thought it would end up being this way.

[John9]

31 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am feeling this today, a little melancholy...want to be with someone but no one to be with, everyone has their plans, their families, I feel left out of what family I have left, all busy...no one wants me.  That is a very lonely feeling.  So glad I have Kodie!

John, glad you found a statuary.  I was told my yard work would be done this weekend, it wasn't.  I'd like the graves cleaned off but the weed whacking and mowing needs done. I used to be able to do both, now with my hand injuries I can't.  It's hard to be dependent on other people for anything.

Not feeling it...at 17 years.  Sigh...

Wishing you all the best!

KayC,

I am sorry that you are feeling that way. Sadly, I am feeling that way all of the time. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but it just seems as if I have been forgotten by almost everyone. Our Son is here but I rarely see him and our conversations are very brief when we have one. It seems that he only wants to talk when he needs something, which is how he has always been though. I had sort of hoped he would change after his Mother died but can't force change on anyone. My loving wife and I never tried to change each other and surely can't change Son now. There just isn't any joy or pleasure or even any happiness in my existence any more. And I keep wondering whatever happened to tnd. She was a glimmer of hope for me because she had a positive attitude even with all she was going through.

 

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

. . .And I keep wondering whatever happened to tnd. . . .

John9, 

I also wonder how Tnd is.  I keep looking to see if she has posted. I pray for her often. 

I hope one day to see a post from her, explaining the long silence. 

Gail 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

She was a glimmer of hope for me because she had a positive attitude even with all she was going through.

She sounds like a wonderful person I would have liked.  Why after 17 years am I still missing George like it was yesterday!  Why after all this time is it getting so old NOW! 

I, too, am very concerned about tnd, I fear for her safety, I wish she would have given one of us her name, address/phone, anything that could help us find her, help her!  Even a hospital stay wouldn't prompt complete shut off this long as nowadays most of them have a PC you can use for a bit!  She knows how to get in here, she knows how to contact us, I am just very worried.  I wish she could have taken me up on coming here...portable oxygen and all!

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

She sounds like a wonderful person I would have liked.  Why after 17 years am I still missing George like it was yesterday!  Why after all this time is it getting so old NOW! 

I, too, am very concerned about tnd, I fear for her safety, I wish she would have given one of us her name, address/phone, anything that could help us find her, help her!  Even a hospital stay wouldn't prompt complete shut off this long as nowadays most of them have a PC you can use for a bit!  She knows how to get in here, she knows how to contact us, I am just very worried.  I wish she could have taken me up on coming here...portable oxygen and all!

KayC,

I have no answers as to why some of the days are really harder than others. You sadly have more experience in that than I do. I don't think that you can ever get over the loss of that special someone, I know I don't ever expect to and it is harder for me each day and night. So many triggers and so many memories too. Yes it would have been nice if tnd had somehow given someone the information to contact her IF something happened. But from what I think I understood she was also a private and independent person. I am sure she would have been much better off with you then with the situation she was in. But as we all know we can't change the past because if we could.....Whatever is going on with her I hope there is some peace at least.

[NiquesMom]

Do you struggle marking single on forms? Went to a new Dr today and I wrote in "widowed." I am not single by choice, just felt wrong to mark it.

My father remarried 1.5 years after my mom died. I cannot even imagine wanting to remarry. How did he move forward so quickly?? (He is dead now too so I can't ask him)

I feel so alone. Why is this My life? Parents gone, daughter gone, husband gone. I am only 42, I feel like I am 80. Don't want to live without Christopher the rest of my life. I know I need to take care of Kyle, hes only 9, but this is so depressing.

[John9]

3 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Do you struggle marking single on forms? Went to a new Dr today and I wrote in "widowed." I am not single by choice, just felt wrong to mark it.

My father remarried 1.5 years after my mom died. I cannot even imagine wanting to remarry. How did he move forward so quickly?? (He is dead now too so I can't ask him)

I feel so alone. Why is this My life? Parents gone, daughter gone, husband gone. I am only 42, I feel like I am 80. Don't want to live without Christopher the rest of my life. I know I need to take care of Kyle, hes only 9, but this is so depressing.

NiquesMom,

I haven't had to fill out new forms yet, even though it has been almost 16 months for me. I haven't gone to a Doctor because I have no reason to anymore. I still wear my wedding ring for the reason you stated, I didn't choose this existence. You do have a purpose, you have to be there for your Son, ours is 31 and he doesn't need me. I am sorry that I have no answer as to why this is your existence now. My life ended when my loving wife died and I hate this now. If you have anyone to actually talk to it will help, I don't anymore and it hurts.being all alone trying to deal with this. I am here until it is over for me, but in reality I hope it is soon. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

NiquesMom, 

We all ask why.  It seems so unfair. I have no answer, I just try to focus on being grateful for the time we had together. 

The first several years my grief included being tormented by fear of nearly everything.  Fear of illness, injury, crime, natural disasters (hurricanes/tornados) dementia, growing old alone.  He was my firm foundation, my protector, companion, love of my life. I could barely breathe without him here.  Together we made a great team and could face anything. Alone I was lost, broken and afraid.

My heart breaks for you and Kyle. You have lost so much and there is nothing fair about it.  All I can think of is try to find some joy for Kyle.  He will be forever changed by the death of his sister and father, but he has you and you have him. Together you will find a way to live, remembering Nique and Christopher, without being crushed by the memories. 

In my grief journey, I am finally in that stage of being able to live again. I still have some hard days, but for the most part I am doing okay. 

I still don't like marking single on forms. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Do you struggle marking single on forms? Went to a new Dr today and I wrote in "widowed." I am not single by choice, just felt wrong to mark it.

Absolutely.  I have done exactly the same thing on forms.  I refuse to check "Single" because my way of thinking is like yours:  Single implies it is by choice.

It is hard enough to check "Widowed."  It took a really long time before I could say "John died" without losing it.

These are the small things that I didn't quite expect would be so painful, but that was a big lesson for me.  Understanding that it's the little things, even unexpected things, that can hit me the hardest.

[Gail 8588]

15 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

. . . . it's the little things, even unexpected things, that can hit me the hardest.

I had one of those today.  

I am still driving the last car that was my husband's car. It's a 2015 MDX.  It has always been too big a car for me, but my husband was a big guy, 6'5" so he really liked it.

That model car had a hard drive as part of the audio system, so each CD you put in the stereo it copied it to the hard drive. So all the music my husband loved is on this hard drive. Also all the CDs my husband made with his various bands are also on the hard drive.  Many of his CDs have his banter with the band members telling little stories between songs. When driving, I put the hard drive on random shuffle and I listen to him or his favorite artists all during my drive.  I love that. 

I want to sell the car, but I'd like to somehow keep the music.  Today I went to a car stereo store and asked if it is  possible to transfer the hard drive to the new car that I hope to buy soon. 

When taking about John's music on the hard drive, I just started crying.  Not sobbing, but tears just started streaming down my face.  I couldn't make it stop.  

The guys in the audio shop didn't know what to do. I felt foolish and apologized. I told them it's been over 5 years since my husband died and I don't usually start crying like this. 

Anyway, they finally told me they couldn't help me. There is no way to download off these hard drives. 

It was one of those little things that unexpectedly hits you hard. 

Gail

[John9]

8 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Anyway, they finally told me they couldn't help me. There is no way to download off these hard drives. 

It was one of those little things that unexpectedly hits you hard. 

Gail 8588,

I am sorry that you can't transfer the hard drive contents. When my loving wife died I tried to copy/transfer all of the various things off of her cell phone and it didn't work out for me. I still have the sd card but the texts and other things I wanted I lost. I should have just bought my loving wife's phone and kept all of the stuff intact, but my broken brain didn't handle it correctly. I would imagine that somewhere in the vast cyber world there is someone who knows how to do what you want to do, but there is a cost and a risk involved and damage may occur to the files and the vehicle/hard drive. Sadly, it just seems that when you think things are okay, there not. There is always something. Take care, John

[Sparky1]

45 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Anyway, they finally told me they couldn't help me. There is no way to download off these hard drives.

If the hard drive could be removed from the vehicle, then there might be a chance a computer shop could download everything onto a USB drive for you. I would call Acura or Honda and see if it could be done. I hope you can, that way you can always continue to enjoy John's music.

[steveb]

I agree with Sparky.  Once removed, the hard drive can be cloned onto another storage device. The main concern is getting the files that you want into a format that you can playback on whatever device you choose.  

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I want to sell the car, but I'd like to somehow keep the music.  Today I went to a car stereo store and asked if it is  possible to transfer the hard drive to the new car that I hope to buy soon. 

When taking about John's music on the hard drive, I just started crying.  Not sobbing, but tears just started streaming down my face.  I couldn't make it stop.  

The guys in the audio shop didn't know what to do. I felt foolish and apologized. I told them it's been over 5 years since my husband died and I don't usually start crying like this. 

Anyway, they finally told me they couldn't help me. There is no way to download off these hard drives. 

Gail....this seems so crazy that there's no way to upload the files from the car's hard drive so I did a search on it. I haven't found anything too promising but did find this short discussion on it.

https://www.challengertalk.com/threads/removing-songs-from-hard-drive.681581/

Apparently, the vehicle's dealer would be able to do it. There's also an explanation about backing it up using the radio via USB cable ?? My van is older and doesn't have mp3 audio so I'm no help with that but I am wondering (and hoping) if you still have the original CDs. 

[Gail 8588]

Thanks everyone on the hard drive suggestions. 

The guy at the audio store said part of the problem is that if they take out the hard drive to copy it, then the whole stereo system won't work when they reinstall it back in the car.  Some sort of anti-theft safeguard.  Maybe an Acura service could get around that problem, but the stereo store guys thought it's unlikely that Acura will want to try.  It's not something their service guys would have much (or any) training or experience doing. 

I know there was a flurry of litigation when this hard drive system came out because the music industry felt it was pirating the copyrighted material. 

I'll call Acura and see what they say, but it may be one of those things that I just have to let go of. 

Gail

 

[LMR]

I know this isn't a great choive, and time consuming but couldn't you sit in the car with some kind of taping device and record your favorites live? I hope at least you could manage a few.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

Whatever is going on with her I hope there is some peace at least.

Yes, we all do.  I guess my heart will continue to mourn for her circumstance, whatever it may be, and for the others I've felt a closeness to and they disappeared.  I know that happens on grief sites, but still, it doesn't make it any easier.

20 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

I feel so alone. Why is this My life? Parents gone, daughter gone, husband gone. I am only 42, I feel like I am 80. Don't want to live without Christopher the rest of my life. I know I need to take care of Kyle, hes only 9, but this is so depressing.

I am so sorry, no one should have to experience what you are going through.  I didn't even MEET my husband until my mid-40s, so I feel thankful we got 6 1/2 years together before he passed, but know my family lives into their 90s...I realize I could do 40 years without him, 17 down, 23 to go, I feel like I'm doing time!  It wasn't as bad before Covid, my kids used to call or visit more, now it's nearly non-existent, I'm growing old very alone and well aware of it.  I pray your son is a blessing to you!  I loved raising my kids, loved having them in my life...while it lasted.

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

The first several years my grief included being tormented by fear of nearly everything.  Fear of illness, injury, crime, natural disasters (hurricanes/tornados) dementia, growing old alone.

This is my struggle, anxiety, I do my level best to stay in today, it's what helps me get through...I don't just fear growing old alone, I AM growing old alone!

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Anyway, they finally told me they couldn't help me. There is no way to download off these hard drives. 

I am so sorry, Gail.  These losses cut our hearts to the quick.

 

[John9]

KayC,

All I can do is what I do, take it one day at a time. I don't like that this is my existence now, my loving wife and I should have been enjoying our time now. We tried to be good people and took care of others without any expectations but figured we would be able to have our alone time back. Now I have all of our alone time, all alone and I am sorry but I hate this existence so much. This is like a prison sentence. with me in solitary confinement just marking the days until it is over.

[KayC]

My hope is in just surviving all this.  I want to hear my Maker say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."  Then I'll know this is behind us and we're finally home.

[John9]

It has been a few days of elevated sadness and I don't know the reasons EXCEPT for the obvious ones, my loving wife died. I was watching a baseball game on TV last night and a Taco Bell commercial came on, AND I LOST IT. Come on a Taco Bell commercial of all things, it wasn't like that was our favorite place to go or anything. But it did trigger me, and the triggers just come out of the blue and hit so hard sometimes.

[John9]

Another bad night last night, and today marks 69 weeks (almost 16 months) since my loving wife died and as usual Saturday's are really hard. The weekends were our time together and even though I was caring for my friend we still had some time to spend with each other. My loving wife and I were so looking forward to being able to have our alone time again when we were done being caregivers. Of course that is just one part of why this is so hard for me, I never got to be the caregiver for my loving wife. Even though that was also a fear of hers, not being able to do for herself. It is just so hard now after 35 years together, to be so all alone without my loving wife beside and behind me when I really need her the most.

[NiquesMom]

I woke up this morning and I could feel my husband face. I was rubbing his cheek, he needed a shave. First visit, hope for more. 5 weeks on Monday. Feel like I am just going to be marking time now. I hate that he is not here and the awful people of the world get to keep walking around. He was my best friend and I am so alone without him. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

I woke up this morning and I could feel my husband face. I was rubbing his cheek, he needed a shave. First visit, hope for more. 5 weeks on Monday. Feel like I am just going to be marking time now. I hate that he is not here and the awful people of the world get to keep walking around. He was my best friend and I am so alone without him. 

Sending you hugs and praying for you, so hard to first lose your child and then your husband.  I know you miss him, I hear what you're saying...nothing fair about any of this. 

John, dear friend, I am so sorry you are hurting so much too.

 

[John9]

KayC,

Thank you. It just isn't getting any easier at all. It really is harder each day and night without my loving wife here with me and beside me. One day at a time, it is all I can do.

[Carol34]

John, although my sadness isn't as constant as yours, it's still deeper than I every thought sadness could be.  I find myself being bitter and jealous of other couples...and I don't even know them.  They're just people I see in the grocery store.  Paul and I were only married for 20 years (we had both survived horrible first marriages), but it was the best 20 years of my life.  It also went by too fast, and I want that time back!  Most days, I try to find something to do to make the day go by faster.  I'm not a napper, and I never was a TV watcher...until now.  I used to read, but I can't stand the house to be quiet enough for me to read.  At least with the TV on, there's noise.  I hear little noises in the house (the AC coming on, the refrigerator cycling, or even just some random "house settling" noise), and  I perk up...hoping it's him. 

Today, I was supposed to go to a grief support meeting.  But I couldn't make myself go.  I normally look forward to it, since it's only once a month.  I like the people there, and the women in charge of it are very nice.  But I couldn't bear the thought of sitting there for 2 hours, listening to their stories, telling mine, and realizing when walked to my car, that nothing was different.  I'm still alone.  He's still gone.  And there's nothing I can do about it.

I guess I needed to vent.