Realization

[John9]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

It is when the water tables are low. 

KayC,

I understand what you say, where we live the water table is very high. When I have tried to dig for various reasons, if I leave the hole it will fill with water. I am not an issue, it has become a running joke with our neighbor. Every time we try to do any yard work there is standing water even if it hasn't rained for days. I know the comments made by the weather people are a very wide area and my little area is not indicative of the entire region, but funny to us. My sump pump runs year round. I do hope that you have no issues with your well because you definitely don't need that too. Neither of us need any more issues, I know my plate is still overly full and nothing seems to come off of it.

[John9]

So, this morning I received an email finally from the Attorney that was supposed to set up a meeting for this week. AND now it is next week on Thursday, just more delays and more delays and without the meeting there are no signatures and no paperwork filed. And without filing the paperwork then nobody can begin the clock to countdown to end these legal headaches. Why does nobody seem to care or care to understand the stresses they are causing me. The sound you just heard was my head exploding again.

[KayC]

Oh John, I get it, I posted in the stress topic again about what's going on here.

I'm glad your water tables are high there, our creek looks very low for this time of year.  I don't get it with the horrid winter we had!  I'll need to trek down there today and look again, Kodie loves going there (on my property but quite a ways down it through trees/bramble.  I always wanted to clean up the path down there but now there's more pressing needs...

[John9]

We had a meeting today with the Attorney about my friend and MIL's estates. First this should have taken place weeks ago, so our Son could attempt to sell MIL house. I signed papers to transfer her house to his name so he can do what he wants without any Court interference. But now it has to be filed and made official, more wasted time. The Attorney wanted us to sign paperwork to start to close MIL estate and once again I had to remind them of IRS refund status and it was an oh yeah moment. So this could have been done weeks ago because it wasn't done today. We also discussed my friends estate and it's funny but somehow they managed to find some extra expenses. I knew that they would because each delay requires communication between me and also the Court. So now it was another $1620.00 on top of the $5000.00+ I already paid. And I can't fully close the estate until the check I wrote clears the bank. But I was at least given permission to take some of the estate money finally. It is not enough for all of the stress and aggravation that it has been, but it is a little closer to this one being over at least. Hopefully I can close this one next week fully and finally. But MIL will still linger until IRS catches up and processes the Federal return. Cross my fingers that at least it seems like something is finally getting done.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, John9 said:

Cross my fingers that at least it seems like something is finally getting done.

There'd be absolutely no way I could have handled what you are. I use to audit title reports, appraisal reports and deeds (among too many other things) for a living. There is no way with grief brain that I could do any of that now. Just no way. I emphasize with you. 

[John9]

8 hours ago, tnd said:

There'd be absolutely no way I could have handled what you are. I use to audit title reports, appraisal reports and deeds (among too many other things) for a living. There is no way with grief brain that I could do any of that now. Just no way. I emphasize with you. 

tnd,

Thank you, but I really have no choice in the matter. I am just hoping that all of the stresses don't kill me before I have at least finished with the part that can save our Son from having to go through a Probate Court for my estate. I don't really care about MIL's estate because it is all his anyway and if he has to then he has to. But if I can get my friends estate done so our Son doesn't have that I will be okay if I die from all of this. I have been so stressed over that and I told the Attorney yesterday, I don't want our Son to have that issue when it is so close to being done. Really it should have been done last year, but that is why I hired the Attorney and it still stressed me out.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't want our Son to have that issue

Well, you are certainly doing a good thing for your son. You are worth your weight in gold. Just don't go getting all skinny. 

[John9]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

Just don't go getting all skinny. 

tnd,

That ship has sailed, I gained all of the weight that I had lost after my loving wife died. I find myself mindlessly eating now, even when I am not hungry. Cut the grass yesterday for the first time this year but blew out my knee. I am so out of shape and no motivation to do anything about it.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

I really have no choice in the matter.

I agree with tnd, no way I could do it, I'd have a stroke over it!  My BP reached 224/94, that is dangerous!  To do this while grieving, hell no.  It's easier for my brother, he barely knew her, he's 15 years younger w/o the health conditions (yet).  He seems to be able to let go of what is dragging on whereas I have a hard time with that.  We can't even START with anything yet!  I spent 8 days down there cleaning out old food, washing clothes/towels/bedding, the only one of four siblings who did.  I'm the only one throwing the tons of junk mail/catalogs out, etc.  Everyone else is at home collecting pictures/momentos.  One picture I wanted my brother took.  At least I got her wedding picture, no one else wanted it, I'm glad because I loved Bert too and wanted the BOTH of them that were in it.

 

12 hours ago, John9 said:

That ship has sailed, I gained all of the weight that I had lost after my loving wife died. I find myself mindlessly eating now, even when I am not hungry.

I did that too, I tried to lose it over the years, but not until I started Keto and Intermittent fasting 2 1/3 years ago did I lose it and get my health back (except I still struggle with the BP).  

[John9]

33 minutes ago, KayC said:

We can't even START with anything yet!  I spent 8 days down there cleaning out old food, washing clothes/towels/bedding, the only one of four siblings who did.  I'm the only one throwing the tons of junk mail/catalogs out, etc.  Everyone else is at home collecting pictures/momentos.  One picture I wanted my brother took.  At least I got her wedding picture, no one else wanted it, I'm glad because I loved Bert too and wanted the BOTH of them that were in it.

KayC,

I totally get this, and that is why I stopped with MIL. If our Son doesn't clean up her house I'm not doing it. I actually regret wasting time cleaning my friends house because I could have spent time with my loving wife and I ended up selling the house with contents. As far as the picture you wanted, maybe get him to copy it for you. As I said I had no recent photos of my loving wife except from her work, they emailed them to me and I printed some of them. When I went for the viewing of my Uncle, they had a photo from his childhood, with my Mother and their other Sister. I had never seen it before and I asked for a copy, but as of yet I have not received it. It only means something to me not our Son, so if I don't receive it I have the memory of seeing it. I never got the chance to know my Mother but I did at least have the chance to know her Brother and Sister for awhile. Memories is all I really have anymore and it is what keeps me going somewhat, even when they are overwhelming. Hopefully your Brother will have better luck once things actually get started with the Probate Court.

[tnd]

15 hours ago, John9 said:

Memories is all I really have anymore and it is what keeps me going somewhat

I hope your memories continue to last. Since I don't know what was packed I think I am going to have to rely on my memories too. I think I will be alright with that. If I was young tho, maybe not. I use to have tons of family photos and framed each one and hung them in the dining room. Thought they'd make for great conversation. Nobody cared. 

[KayC]

My responses here and others also, missing. Frustrating when you spend hours posting and think it's there and it's just wiped out.  Typical of how everything in my life has been going lately. 

I'm sorry for all you're going through with estate frustrations, I understand.  My BP isn't cut out for this.

[John9]

41 minutes ago, KayC said:

My responses here and others also, missing. Frustrating when you spend hours posting and think it's there and it's just wiped out.  Typical of how everything in my life has been going lately. 

I'm sorry for all you're going through with estate frustrations, I understand.  My BP isn't cut out for this.

KayC,

Some of my posts and responses are missing too, not sure if it is because of the update or not. There have been some issues from time to time with my previous posts. Sadly with my broken brain, I don't know what I posted or even which forum I posted on. I know one was about the issues your Daughter was having with postal worker and mail being returned and the Court. It is so hard and nobody seems to understand how something like this issue can really stress us out. As I said I NEED these forums and when posts disappear and there is no chatting I am lost. Not a good place right now to be when I am already all alone with my thoughts.

[John9]

Also I haven't been receiving notice of responses so I am really not sure how many posts/comments have been deleted and people think nobody is responding to them.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

My responses here and others also, missing. Frustrating when you spend hours posting and think it's there and it's just wiped out.  Typical of how everything in my life has been going lately. 

I'm sorry for all you're going through with estate frustrations, I understand.  My BP isn't cut out for this.

I thought it was just me, that I had written, but forgot to post, a few times. Oh well.

[John9]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I thought it was just me, that I had written, but forgot to post, a few times. Oh well.

foreverhis,

No and it has driven me crazy because I would look for both a comment made and a reply by me. Knowing there should be something there, because I swear I read and responded like this that will probably not be there when I look later.

[KayC]

On 5/2/2022 at 5:50 AM, John9 said:

Some of my posts and responses are missing too, not sure if it is because of the update or not. There have been some issues from time to time with my previous posts.

It was very upsetting to me, we had new people on I had spent hours responding to all of the posts and then to just have it wiped out and them thinking no one cared to respond, beyond frustrating!  Trying to rewrite posts never ever comes out the same, we need our initial response!  Not even an explanation given, I don't understand that!

 

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I haven't been receiving notice of responses

All of my "likes" etc were removed too!

 

[John9]

59 minutes ago, KayC said:

It was very upsetting to me, we had new people on I had spent hours responding to all of the posts and then to just have it wiped out and them thinking no one cared to respond, beyond frustrating!  Trying to rewrite posts never ever comes out the same, we need our initial response!  Not even an explanation given, I don't understand that!

 

All of my "likes" etc were removed too!

 

KayC,

I thought there was a place to click to bring this to their attention, at least I thought I saw one when they first updated/ruined the site. I know that in my experiences with updates, they end up causing more issues than they resolve and this seems to be one. I know that they have had issues from time to time because this had happened to me before. I commented to a new person and I don't know if they ever saw it because it was gone the next day. And that is what upsets me, that anyone might think there is nobody who cares about them. I know I need this site and others because the people on here care and respond. Hopefully someone reads the comments to try to figure out what has happened or what is happening. But then again you and I have been complaining about computers directly and indirectly because of my issues with Court and your Daughters also.

[John9]

I am very slowly making progress with my friends estate, hopefully it will end soon. However MIL's estate is still dragging on and on, unsure about IRS status and waiting for Attorney to review paperwork for sale of MIL's house. As I have stated before nothing seems important to anyone, except for the ones going through it.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I am so glad there is a little progress in settling your friend's estate.  It will be a significant relief to get one of these resolved.  

Gail

[KayC]

One thing I have learned in life is that things DO have a way of passing....I remember the endless seeming divorce time from my XH, it was a horrible stressful time in my life, he caused us (me and our kids) so much stress with how he handled everything....I used to wake up, look in the mirror, and tell myself "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't.  I shared that with my daughter as she's going through it, it dragging endlessly seeming on...she said she does the same thing!  It will be behind her someday.  All of these things will be behind us someday.  Hang in there, John.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

MIL's estate is still dragging on and on,

Sorry about all the court and lawyer snafus. Not that I know anything about estates but, seems they've taken something hard and made it even more difficult. And you're stuck on idle until they do their job right. If they would only stop and think about it, estates in probate means their has been a death. The person filing it (you) is grieving while carrying out a promise to someone (MIL). And to your wife, too. Courts and lawyers need to be sensitive to this and try putting themselves in your shoes. They do this type of legal work everyday but you don't. And your grief is fresh. I'm sure you  have already told them but, I wish they knew what giving your word to someone means and hope that if they are (MIL and your wife) watching that they forgive all these snafus and delays. And look them in the eyes when you say it. Be strong, I pray for you. 

 

[John9]

Thank you to all who commented, it means a lot to me. I know that the main thing has really been "One Day At A Time". It was and is the only way I am able to keep going. As I said maybe too many times, I come to vent when it is too overwhelming or too frustrating. I can't yell at the Attorney, his Assistant, or the Probate Court, so I vent and write my feelings. I greatly appreciate the support I receive from everyone.

8 hours ago, KayC said:

One thing I have learned in life is that things DO have a way of passing....I remember the endless seeming divorce time from my XH, it was a horrible stressful time in my life, he caused us (me and our kids) so much stress with how he handled everything....I used to wake up, look in the mirror, and tell myself "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't.  I shared that with my daughter as she's going through it, it dragging endlessly seeming on...she said she does the same thing!  It will be behind her someday.  All of these things will be behind us someday.  Hang in there, John.

KayC,

I understand what you are saying, but It sure seems like it is forever or that it is taking forever. I sure hope everything works out for you Daughter soon, even though she has been doing it for too long already. As with everything else we are going through or have gone through, you wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through it.

3 hours ago, tnd said:

If they would only stop and think about it, estates in probate means their has been a death.

tnd,

You are correct about this and it should be the most basic thing for them to understand. Someone is grieving and probably doesn't know how to do any of the legal things required and they just make it so hard. Thank you for the prayers, hopefully they will help resolve all of this. I am still hoping for you to get into your own place with your cats and have some peace.

[tnd]

Funny how there has been much talk in the media about "sensitivity training" and yet, grief is never brought up with that. 

[John9]

12 minutes ago, tnd said:

Funny how there has been much talk in the media about "sensitivity training" and yet, grief is never brought up with that. 

tnd,

I had just made a comment the other day that Doctors need to be taught about how to deal with grieving people. And understand that all grief is not the same. The death of my loving wife is unlike any I have ever experienced and they should understand that and be able to direct the care we really need. But that is just a dream I guess. They only give 5 minutes at most for any visit, so how can they help. Just venting again.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

They only give 5 minutes at most for any visit, so how can they help.

Of all doctors, my Pulmonologist spent the most time discussing grief with me. I was there for the standard 15 minute visit -he gave me nearly an hour! He said everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time, for however long that may take. I don't know if this has anything to do with it but, he goes every week to the hospitals to check up on his or the clinic's patients and he is also a critical care physician. Either he has had some grief training or speaks from his own experience. I am so lucky to have him for a doctor. 

[foreverhis]

53 minutes ago, John9 said:

tnd,

I had just made a comment the other day that Doctors need to be taught about how to deal with grieving people. And understand that all grief is not the same. The death of my loving wife is unlike any I have ever experienced and they should understand that and be able to direct the care we really need. But that is just a dream I guess. They only give 5 minutes at most for any visit, so how can they help. Just venting again.

That's so true for so many doctors.  I don't know how I lucked out, but my (our) internist of 2 decades, my ophthalmologist, and my optometrist have all been amazing.  All of them have been incredibly patient and have addressed my grief head on at every appointment, especially my internist.  We spend at least the first 10 minutes talking about my mental health, how my grief has been affecting me, whether my medication is still helping, what I think helps day to day, and his suggestions (continuing gentle yoga, specific videos or articles, etc.).  Then at the end of my appointment, he goes through whatever we've talked about and his physical findings, he gives me lab orders as needed, and he checks once more on my grief. 

I'm all too aware that the medical community in general is just as uncomfortable dealing with our grief as the rest of society.  It should be one of the courses taught at all medical schools--now more than ever with the pandemic still in our midst.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, John9 said:

It sure seems like it is forever or that it is taking forever.

When you are IN the thing, it feels like forever and very stressful.  It FEELS like it will never end!  I think back to the places in my life where it has felt like hell.  My first marriage when he was so insane and abusive to me!  I thought I would never escape from it!  I didn't see how I could get out alive.  But I did.

And in my second marriage, a long different sort of hell, especially the last few years, I guess I tolerated and kept going, but it reached the point where his controlling and unloving ways were too much to bear forever...when I filed for divorce and he forced me to drop it and forced his way on me under the threat of losing my kids (and he was coercive and had clout), it was  hell I never want to live through again, the stress it put me and the kids through!  It drug out for a few years...I first told him how unhappy I was in our marriage on our 20th anniversary....yet it took three more years before I was out of it.  But break free I did.

And we all know the hell of grief, losing them, the rudest awakening we've ever had to endure!  I don't know how I lived through that, but here I am 17 years later...yes the thing I've learned in that was taking ONE DAY AT A TIME!  And I do that still.

I remember a surgery I had, someone had told me they'd load my fire for me, someone else said they'd bring me meals, neither one did, I went to bed hungry, but I lived through it.  Somehow I've weathered the storms.  The snowpocalypse 3 years 3 months ago was a physical example of the storms of life...in the dark, hearing all the trees crashing around me, snow piled up several feet high and frozen, no water/toilet, food deteriorating, no electricity, over 8 days, no mail, garbage, roads closed, I couldn't even go into the back yard to do "my business!"  You literally couldn't move.  Yet I lived through it and my Arlie with me.  Kitty never noticed.  

All of these things have given me the perspective I need to draw on when times are tough.  And guaranteed to us, there are tough times, just some are tougher than others.  Some seem to luck out in life, having a bed of roses...I don't know those people, maybe they don't really exist except in our imaginations.  But when I hear of people going on cruises and such, I think, that sure isn't my life!  But my little sister is one of those people, has traveled all over the world, has $ enough to be well off although by no means rich...but I remember some pretty tough times in her life...when her baby was born without a brain, her son had psychiatric issues and alcoholism, her other daughter announced she was gay...I remember telling her that she is still the same wonderful girl she always has been, to just love her!  And she got through all of these things.  Her son has gotten so much better and is in a good place now, her other baby died many years ago and that will always be a hard/sad memory, but oh my gosh her life has been anything but a bed of roses!  Infidelity in their marriage when they were young, her anorexia...somehow they've weathered their storms.  We can look at people from the outside and see a fairy tale picture, but little do we know what has been behind that picture, how hard their road has been.

You will get through this...right now you're in the eye of the storm, but this too shall pass.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, John9 said:

Doctors need to be taught about how to deal with grieving people

I was lucky in that respect...when my George died and I went to my doctor (I used to work for him, saved his business even!...a long story) he told me to call him ANY TIME, day or night! (He must have worried I'd commit suicide or something)  He made sure I still knew his home phone number...I rattled it off and he nodded.  Where else but in a small town!  But unfortunately those country doctors are now days gone by I'm afraid.

14 hours ago, tnd said:

Either he has had some grief training or speaks from his own experience. I am so lucky to have him for a doctor. 

Yes.  I don't have such a one anymore.  Today I meet my new one.

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It should be one of the courses taught at all medical schools

I so agree!

[KayC]

Okay, hope you understand, this is my warped sense of humor...
 

[John9]

23 minutes ago, KayC said:

Okay, hope you understand, this is my warped sense of humor...

KayC,

Yes, I do understand and have a warped sense of humor too. It is one of the things that keeps me going through all of this. Sadly not everyone understands some of my attempts at being funny. broken brain and all.

[HisPumpkin]

16 minutes ago, John9 said:

broken brain and all.

I keep catching myself telling myself I’m broken. My heart, my brain, my soul. 

But then I remember the Japanese kintsugi pottery. There have been many things in my life that broke me to some extent: I built myself back up around them, more than once. This time it’s harder, because there was nothing but beauty with D, and it was cut short. No trauma to heal from a person, only the trauma caused by his passing, when we should still have the beauty we found in each other’s “broken” bits. 

I see everyone here struggling with losing their person, finding ways to keep going on, to fight every day, to do their best, and I think you’re all beautiful in your “broken”. You give me the courage to keep fighting too. X

[John9]

19 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

I see everyone here struggling with losing their person, finding ways to keep going on, to fight every day, to do their best, and I think you’re all beautiful in your “broken”. You give me the courage to keep fighting too. X

HisPumkin.

That is a beautiful thought. I have lost so much more than my loving wife, who was and is the most important person in my existence in the last 2 years that if I repaired my "breaks" it will be all gold and nothing left of the original. I am just a shell of the person I was and as hard as I am trying too I am just barely making it. I do continue because it is what I must do until it is over, but each day is harder and harder. Each day I miss my loving wife more and more and I am so worn out and tired.

[HisPumpkin]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

HisPumkin.

That is a beautiful thought. I have lost so much more than my loving wife, who was and is the most important person in my existence in the last 2 years that if I repaired my "breaks" it will be all gold and nothing left of the original. I am just a shell of the person I was and as hard as I am trying too I am just barely making it. I do continue because it is what I must do until it is over, but each day is harder and harder. Each day I miss my loving wife more and more and I am so worn out and tired.

I do understand. My first break happened when I was 4 years old, and it seems that many times since then I’ve been shattered, and had to fit all the pieces back together. D was the first person,  the only person, who ever really healed me. Peace, safety, home. The thought of life without him, life as it was before, terrifies me. It’s empty and dark, a lot of the time, and I get scared of the years ahead. That there will be more loss, and no him, who could always make it better. 

But thinking about the future is too much. So I think about the baby steps. Get the cat groomed: check. Pay the bills: check. Grief counsellor session: check. Etc.

Most days I have extreme anxiety about even getting out of bed. Then I have extreme anxiety about going outside. Then when I get myself outside I have extreme anxiety about coming back in 🙄 It’s a whirligig of fun (that’s my version of dark humour: sarcasm). 

I know you’re exhausted, John. You think there’s no point or nothing left without her. I think that a lot of the time, about me. And I feel like an empty shell a lot too. 

But your wife who you shared and continue to share such love with, she picked you. She fell in love with you. So think about how amazing that must make you - that this woman who you think the most precious you’ve ever known, picked you. 

All the things she fell in love with existed in you before you met. They are still there, they are just hard to see through the hurricane of grief. 

Gentle hugs. 


 

[John9]

5 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

All the things she fell in love with existed in you before you met. They are still there, they are just hard to see through the hurricane of grief. 

HisPumpkin,

Thank you for the very kind words and the thoughts and hugs. I am no longer the person my loving wife fell in love with, she was my only reason to exist and the only reason I cared to live. Everything I did was for her and I no longer have any purpose in this existence. I was a caregiver for my friend who died in January  2021, my loving wife died in March 2021, I continued to care for MIL, she died in August 2021. All of the things I have been so invested in in the last many years are now gone. I get up and I shower and I get dressed but I am only going through the basic motions, my brain is broken and unable to handle the things I used to take for granted. I will continue one day at a time, maybe one of them things will change. Thank you again. John

[John9]

So, we might be making some headway with MIL's estate. The Attorney filed a Personal Representative deed to put her house in our Son's name. So he will be able to sell it as-is to the person I tried to sell it to. BUT of course there always has to be a but, the buyer sent paperwork that there were papers needed like Death Certificates for MIL and her Husband and legal papers that I am PR. I sent these to him Friday and today he sad everything looks good except they will need DC (wtf) I emailed him I sent those already and he called me that he didn't have them and could I send them again and Son can bring originals when they do the closing. Then he said that per the Purchase Agreement Son signed he needs to have keys for house. I said it is Sons house and I don't have any, he said if he didn't have them today deal is off. I had to drive to Sons work and take keys to lockbox at house. Also had to cut the grass so the city doesn't fine the property and cause more headaches for us. Hopefully this part will soon be over, there is still an issue with IRS though.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

Hopefully this part will soon be over, there is still an issue with IRS though.

Yay! Hopefully you've reached the point where it will be a little easier now. When I look back to just a few months ago, things don't seem so overwhelming to me now. Well, sometimes they don't feel so overwhelming. You've been through and have done a lot. At some point we will be able to grieve without having to deal with so many other things at the same time. I'm so tired now that I just hope to live long enough to relax and say "I made it". 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

they will need DC

What is DC?

I took a few small things of Peggy's to remember her by, not sure why, not like I need anything, I have too much stuff as it is, but...like her Bible, her pictures of her deceased dog that her and Bert cherished, her eyeglasses (which I helped her get) that she loved!  Their wedding picture.  No one else wanted these things!  A momento for my kids who knew her better than her other nieces/nephews, as they grew up in each other's lives, her niece Chelsea made effort to stay in her life, I think she should get something personal to remember her by.  One reason I wanted our family to get together to scatter her ashes, before Mick signs the contract for the estate people, after that we can't touch anything.  Chelsea did get a chance at the pictures, maybe that's all she wanted.

It's so hard, hard enough losing someone suddenly but when you're in shock and suddenly reeling and have to deal with everything when your brain can't think and none of her paperwork was in order, no POA, will 27 years old, no one on her bank account, it complicates everything.  I am still getting calls from bill collectors, nothing I can do.  They all have to wait for due process.

9 hours ago, tnd said:

At some point we will be able to grieve without having to deal with so many other things at the same time.

Meanwhile...I'm feeling overwhelmed with all of the demands on me right now, medical appts, meetings, etc at church, babysitting at my son's, taking care of Jazzy 1 1/2 weeks, people wanting me to go to ladies retreat for four days with Kodie for 4 days/nights when I sleep different from all of them and no privacy when I'm used to living alone, funerals, so much going on!  We have our routine, I'm getting old, this is hard.  I try saying no but everyone is so damned pushy!  You know it's too much when you can't figure in when to get groceries (where I live it'll take a good 4 1/2 hours).

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

What is DC?

KayC,

Sorry I should have clarified, Death Certificates but I thought everyone would understand since we are all used to dealing with deaths. It would be a good thing if everyone had an updated will or at least some sort of plan for what to do when we die. But it seems that either there is nothing or it is old and out of date. I understand that it will always be a topic that nobody wants to talk about, but it is important. My loving wife and I were guilty of not having anything in place because we "had time" and MIL was current but at the same time not. In her case there could not be an update because of her dementia,not being of sound mind and all of that. It would have been so much easier if my loving wife had just sold MIL's house while she was still alive. But she didn't want to cause issues with MIL and now once again the ones left to deal with things have all of the problems and issues. If there was no house things would have been so much easier, still would have IRS though. Can't seem to avoid that one, unless you are lucky enough to not have any taxable income and don't have to file and MIL had income so.....

[Gail 8588]

@KayC. "I'm getting old. This is hard"

Right there with you Kay.  For those of us who are older and alone, all the challenges we face seem insurmountable at times without our partners to help us muddle through. 

John and I used to tease that between the 2 of us we made one functioning human unit. This was especially true when one of us was unwell.  The other one would rally and do what needed to be done and together we'd get through. 

It is so dang hard now that I am alone. I struggled through my back pain/sciatica issues for a month. Sometimes I sat on the kitchen floor to eat a bowl of cereal because I couldn't carry it to a table. It was hard enough to walk without carrying anything.

My back is finally much better but then I got sick with something (not Covid, I had home tests for that,)   I tried to take care of myself, but I just felt worse and worse. Lost 7 pounds in 4 days.  I asked a friend to drive me to the Dr on Monday.  Dr found I was very dehydrated and gave me IV fluids for 5 hours. (That did make me feel much better.)

My point is that there is nothing really seriously wrong with me, just normal old person back issues and normal virus illness of some sort.  But John would have helped me through them, making sure I got rest, good food, enough fluids.  Just as I always helped him.  Without him here, everything is so hard!  I'm sicker longer, in more pain longer.  It is depressing!

Well enough of my whining.  The good news is my back is a lot better.  I'm pushing lots of fluids to stay hydrated.  We all just muddle along as best we can. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

between the 2 of us we made one functioning human unit.

Yes.  And when one of us was sick we'd sleep together on the reclining loveseat.  We weathered everything together, even our last night at home when he wasn't feeling well.

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I sat on the kitchen floor to eat a bowl of cereal because I couldn't carry it to a table.

Wasn't it hard to get up afterwards?  I am so sorry you are going through this! 

It strikes me as interesting that we wait until we're old to find out what it is that we will have to struggle with!  My mom never had arthritis, nor edema, her issues were well controlled with Rxs, she was tiny and active.  Her kids have been hit much harder with ailments!  She lived into her 90s.  Not looking forward to seeing how the next 20 years go, her kids were all there for her, unlike me.  I am truly alone.  I felt when I had George, we could weather anything together!  Not so easy when they're gone.

21 hours ago, John9 said:

MIL had income so.....

We'll have to do one closing return for Peggy next year.  

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yes.  And when one of us was sick we'd sleep together on the reclining loveseat.  We weathered everything together, even our last night at home when he wasn't feeling well.

Wasn't it hard to get up afterwards?  I am so sorry you are going through this! 

It strikes me as interesting that we wait until we're old to find out what it is that we will have to struggle with!  My mom never had arthritis, nor edema, her issues were well controlled with Rxs, she was tiny and active.  Her kids have been hit much harder with ailments!  She lived into her 90s.  Not looking forward to seeing how the next 20 years go, her kids were all there for her, unlike me.  I am truly alone.  I felt when I had George, we could weather anything together!  Not so easy when they're gone.

We'll have to do one closing return for Peggy next year.  

KayC,

I agree that this is interesting and how as we age it gets more so. I guess we are invincible when we are younger and have our  soulmate or whatever they are to each of us. And yes without them every little AND big thing is magnified. Hopefully when your family needs to file with IRS for Peggy, they are at least somewhat caught up. There really is no reason to have to file a paper return in this day and age for anything. But death and taxes, right can't avoid either I guess as the saying is.

[tnd]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Without him here, everything is so hard!  I'm sicker longer, in more pain longer.  It is depressing!

IT IS depressing! I am sorry you are going through this. There is pain and then there is pain. It knows how to wear us down. Guess every day can't be a positive day. I hope this dark cloud moves on so we can enjoy something, anything about life again. 

 

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

Hopefully when your family needs to file with IRS for Peggy, they are at least somewhat caught up.

As I understand it we only have to file once after they die, but I have the name of her taxperson..   They can handle it and executor can sign.  At least we have a year before it's necessary.

[John9]

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

As I understand it we only have to file once after they die, but I have the name of her taxperson..   They can handle it and executor can sign.  At least we have a year before it's necessary.

KayC,

I hope that it all works out for your family that way. MIL didn't have a tax person except for me. So just another one of those stresses that I had. Didn't realize it would be such a pain. All of which is ever so slowly killing me.

[John9]

So, today I received MIL's tax return back in the mail, apparently I crossed the I's and dotted the T's. I didn't sign as the taxpayer, even though the paperwork told me to submit a form as the Personal Representative and I signed that, also I didn't submit the 1099 forms even though all of that is in the IRS computers. So, the clock starts all over again all because I couldn't file electronically in the first place. So which one of the stresses is going to be the final one to kill me, because it isn't really getting any easier. Sorry just need to vent again.

[tnd]

17 hours ago, John9 said:

also I didn't submit the 1099 forms even though all of that is in the IRS computers.

And yet on all their literature and websites they say they share info with all the relevant agencies. So who didn't hit the Send button? To say the least, it's maddening what they have put you through. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

it's maddening what they have put you through. 

It makes you wantt to switch countries except they're probably all this way.

 

[John9]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

And yet on all their literature and websites they say they share info with all the relevant agencies. So who didn't hit the Send button? To say the least, it's maddening what they have put you through. 

tnd,

Sometimes I wonder if it is all a power trip, just to make me jump through hoops. I do admit I made a mistake, but there should be some leeway when you are filing for a deceased person. Also I received a letter from the VAERS about my loving wife's death and they requested information again. they gave me a phone number and name and a code to submit information online. AND the person doesn't answer or return phone calls AND the code they gave me is invalid according to the website. SO again there is more much needed stress added to my existence. It just seems like there are no Government Agencies that function with any sort of efficiency at all and it is their job.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, John9 said:

AND the person doesn't answer or return phone calls AND the code they gave me is invalid according to the website.

This is pretty much what I ran into when doing the Church Treasury and trying to file end of year payroll tax info with Soc. Sec., could NOT get help, would NOT let me in, they had a deadline yet I had to wait for weeks for them to snail mail me a password when they automatically expired mine right away...nope, didn't work!  Had to have a NEW person go in and start an account and enter the info as I walked her through it...so glad to be out of it!  And with the state?  They won't let me into MY state account because they said it's affiliated with the church filing...I've been gone one year four months and they won't let me have my own account back with MY social security number and email!  She's not using it.  They want HER to call and hold for hours, trying repeatedly, nope can't get her to do that...it's an unpaid position we volunteered our time for, I've worked holidays, weekends, all for 0 pay, I imagine she feels the same!