Realization

[John9]

1 hour ago, cmp34 said:

I guess I needed to vent.

cmp34,

I really just need to vent sometimes as well. I also need to interact with the people who are here in the online forums. This has helped me because without this I don't know if I would have made it this far. I miss my loving wife more and more each and every day and night. I try to do some things but my loving wife is always in my thoughts and on my mind. My broken brain will not allow me any peace at all. I barely sleep and haven't since my loving wife went into the Hospital. Nothing brings me any pleasure or joy or enjoyment or happiness anymore. Just loneliness all of the time. Take care, john

[KayC]

@cmp34 You ask why you'd go to a grief support group...the same reason you come here, I reckon, to know you're not alone in this, to connect with others going through the same thing, to learn.  I reckon there's times we're just not up to things...

[John9]

Today is 16 months if you count days (487) since my loving wife died, even though she died on a Saturday and for me that will always be the day of the week that matters. My broken brain seems to always be aware of these dates and my broken body feels it more on those days as well. My loving wife's Birthday is slowly approaching again and I am sorry but the second time around is not any easier than it was the first time. Just expressing my thoughts so I don't explode. Thanks for being here for me. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@John9 I understand about the birthdays.   Darrells birthday would have, is, next week the 22nd.  Still confused about it all.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Everytime I see his picture I want to cry.  I hate being alone.  This September it will be 2 years since he died.   Why am I here all alone?  Why do I come here?  It seems to help.  Just knowing that there are people going through the same thing I am.  It's just so hard.  

[John9]

29 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

@John9 I understand about the birthdays.   Darrells birthday would have, is, next week the 22nd.  Still confused about it all.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Everytime I see his picture I want to cry.  I hate being alone.  This September it will be 2 years since he died.   Why am I here all alone?  Why do I come here?  It seems to help.  Just knowing that there are people going through the same thing I am.  It's just so hard.  

April Ballou,

I also question every morning when I get up, why am I here. It just seems harder each and every day and especially every night to be so all alone all of the time.

[April Ballou]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

April Ballou,

I also question every morning when I get up, why am I here. It just seems harder each and every day and especially every night to be so all alone all of the time.

Yes I'm the same way.  It's the nights, they seem so very long. My sleep schedule is still messed up. 

[John9]

16 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

Yes I'm the same way.  It's the nights, they seem so very long. My sleep schedule is still messed up. 

April Ballou,

What is this sleep you speak of, I haven't really slept since my loving wife died 16 months ago. I fall asleep but can't stay asleep for many reasons, not the least of which is physical pains and mental pain as well.

[John9]

So as I have said I am waiting for the IRS to process MIL's taxes/refund and had told the Attorney not to file the closing paperwork until I called them to notify them to do so. It was actually the Attorney who said to do it that way. Today while looking on the Court website for something else, I saw that not only had they filed the paperwork, BUT the paperwork was filled out incorrectly. They had listed my friends name on the paperwork for MIL's estate. I have no idea if this is going to cause any issues for either estate. I emailed the office and then the Assistant responded that she didn't know what I was saying, SO I called her. I explained what the Attorney had said when our Son and I were there to sign papers in the first place and I explained it all to them. I told her I know I am not the only client but I don't need these problems, I am trying to clear things off my plate not add to it. Also am still having a problem with the person who purchased  house from Son, they never called for a final reading on water bill like they were supposed to and it could come back on Son and cost him. Just venting some more.

[April Ballou]

@John9 I have a small stuffed wolf, the last Valentines day gift Darrell bought me, that I sleep with.  Plus I still wear my wedding.  But the thing that helps the most is I pray.  

[April Ballou]

@John9 I had to deal with the IRS last year.  It took them 9 months to send me the money they owed me.  I had to put Darrells information on there since he was alive for over half of 2020.  I'm glad it's over.

[KayC]

It shouldn't be this way, that we fear and dread the IRS for their power they wield over us, when you think about it, they were established for us, not the other way around!  Yet oh how I know the thing you speak of!  John I hope you get the answers you search for from the place that did their job incorrectly...

April, I know all too well what you speak of when you talk about your kids not caring...mine feel the same, I know in actuality they care but it doesn't feel that way when you're made to feel like you're a bother and don't hear from them very often...like a chore to be crossed off their list.  It wasn't this way when our moms were alive, we answered the phone, we listened, we showed them love, we were there for them.  So what about it changed with this generation?!  I don't know, but it did.  Somewhere in the world of texting and ignoring...

 

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

So what about it changed with this generation?!  I don't know, but it did.  Somewhere in the world of texting and ignoring...

KayC,

Personally I blame (anti) Social media for the way things are. I had commented many years ago that all of them would be the death of us all. In so many ways, because people comment without any consequences and then it expands from there. I don't know where we lost the "If you don't have anything nice to say" concept but we did. I did call the Attorney office and basically got an "OOPS" and it shouldn't be an issue response. I just don't need all of this when I was hoping it was almost over.

[NiquesMom]

I started having trouble sleeping after my daughter died. I take melatonin each night which helps me get to sleep but I wake up usually after about 4 hours and just toss and turn the rest of the night.  I dont expect to ever really get a good nights sleep again. At least the dreams of trying to bring my husband home have stopped. No more nightmares. Except the nightmare of not living with him anymore.

I am not sure about the generation thing. I know that I as an introvert dont always want to answer my phone. My brother keeps calling to check on me and I just dont have the energy. I can text easily. My parents have been dead quite sometime (mom died when I was 19, dad when I was 33) and my son, who is 9, is not old enough to have his own phone yet.  I do know that a lot of my friends and family are not comfortable talking about death. But death is part of my story. I am sorry your children arent answering the phone. If my mom was here, I would answer the phone.

[John9]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

I do know that a lot of my friends and family are not comfortable talking about death. But death is part of my story. I am sorry your children arent answering the phone. If my mom was here, I would answer the phone.

NiquesMom,

Sadly it seems that nobody is comfortable talking about death, except the people who have experienced it. I am so glad I found these forums because as lost as I am still, I don't know where I would be without the support I receive from everyone here.

[KayC]

On 7/14/2022 at 12:36 PM, NiquesMom said:

I am sorry your children arent answering the phone. If my mom was here, I would answer the phone.

That is assuring, anyway, that we are not crazy totally and that someone young would respond...I don't know how/why so much changed, it seems to me a respect thing.  It seems to me if people are too busy to answer their phones, they are too busy.  Yes there is a time to shut them off perhaps, although in my generation we did not, but that they do not ever call back or make any attempt to keep up...well, it hurts.  It leaves us feeling uncared about, which we are.

[John9]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

It leaves us feeling uncared about, which we are.

KayC,

I know that the people here care, and that is why I keep coming back for the support. And in my broken heart I know our Son loves me, but it is the lack of interaction that really wears me down. My loving wife's Aunt stopped contact with me and even though I expected and told her she would do it, it still hurts. It just is so difficult all alone with only the thoughts in my broken brain. The memories keep me going sometimes but they are also hard on me emotionally as well. I just dread waking up every morning after another restless nights sleep to repeat it all again. I really am so tired and worn out and just want it all to be over with. Take care, John

[April Ballou]

@John9 this website has helped me so much.  Even though I  may never meet anyone it seems like we are part of each other's lives.  I still struggle.   Not as bad as when he first died.  Still hate being alone.  But I'm trying to figure everything out.  For me the main thing that keeps me going is Jesus.

[KayC]

Yes, it's us here touching base, connecting in a way...

[KayC]

@John9 I don't notice a post from you yesterday...I hope you didn't view my response as a closedown statement in some kind of way...sometimes I get introspective and kind of quiet, it's hard for me to connect with people then, it's like the world goes on chattering and I have nothing to add.

Anyway, thinking of you today...

On 7/16/2022 at 8:27 AM, April Ballou said:

@John9 this website has helped me so much.  Even though I  may never meet anyone it seems like we are part of each other's lives.  I still struggle.   Not as bad as when he first died.  Still hate being alone.  But I'm trying to figure everything out.  For me the main thing that keeps me going is Jesus.

This seems to say a lot...I envy you for the last sentence.  God is everything to me, and yet sometimes it feels He is far away too.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

@John9 I don't notice a post from you yesterday...I hope you didn't view my response as a closedown statement in some kind of way...sometimes I get introspective and kind of quiet, it's hard for me to connect with people then, it's like the world goes on chattering and I have nothing to add.

Anyway, thinking of you today...

KayC,

No, I wasn't bothered by the comment. Some days I can't seem to really add to the forum. It is so hard sometimes to figure out what to do. The weekends have always been hard and they aren't getting any easier for me. As I said I come here because of the support I receive and I really need it. The lack of restful sleep and the aches and pains are dragging me down so much. All of the loneliness is so overwhelming as well. All of these added stresses that keep popping up and adding to my plate instead of being removed and being less stressful doesn't help either. I checked the IRS website to see if any update on MIL's taxes and they have updated the site to say it might be 6 months or more and I can't keep this up. I just am at the end of my rope and the knot is unraveling more and more each day. Take care, John

[NiquesMom]

Had trouble sleeping last night. Got up and walked down the hallway and thought I saw Christopher sitting on the sofa. Just for a split second. 

Had a thought yesterday, again for a split second, that I needed to call Christopher to tell him the neighbors moved.

I miss him so much! I am mad at him for leaving me and Kyle alone. We need him. I know he fought long and hard to try to come home and he would have if he could, but I really thought he was going to come home. Didn't expect to be a widow at 42.

Feel so alone

[John9]

12 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Feel so alone

NiquesMom,

I am sorry that this happens to any of us, and yes to be without your Husband at such a young age is terrible. I completely understand in my own way the feeling of being alone. My loving wife and I were together for 35 years and she was my whole world and even after 492 days I still can't get used to her not being here. I miss her more and more each and every day and night. I hope that your Son can help somewhat with the feeling of being alone, but I know it isn't the same as your Husband being there. Take care, John

[KayC]

John, I hope you can let go of the IRS and everything beyond your control...you've done what you could and for now, that has to be enough.  Sending you hugs and I hope you have a better day.

@NiquesMom  It's weird how our brain plays tricks on us...it's horrible that you're going through this so young, and yes, of course, you still need him!  Gosh, and I felt I lost mine way too young (barely 51)!  If he'd been your age, I wouldn't have even met him yet!  So I'm glad I didn't, as meeting hiim was life changing for me, even if he did die way too soon.

[John9]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

John, I hope you can let go of the IRS and everything beyond your control...you've done what you could and for now, that has to be enough.  Sending you hugs and I hope you have a better day.

KayC,

Sadly, my broken brain has never been wired that way. I have always over thought things because I wanted to make sure I was doing the best I could in the situation. I was always the one who had to resolve all issues in every aspect of my life. It has only gotten worse since every one around me started dying as they did. I have tried to "Let go and let GOD" handle things but it hasn't worked for me. My broken brain will not stop and the thoughts are terrible all of the time. The last days and weeks have been very emotional for no specific reason and again this morning I have been screaming to release my anger and frustration and crying because i miss my loving wife so much. I do thank you for the hugs and the comforting words. Take care, John

[KayC]

Have you tried anti-anxiety meds?  I found Buspirone (Buspar) very mild, just takes some of the edge off without totally obliterating the anxiety, enough so I can cope a bit without having panic attacks.  I'll likely be on it the rest of my life, but then I believe my anxiety went back to childhood!  I, too, can tend to overthink things.  Trying to stay in today really helps.  It's my own thoughts that get me sometimes...

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's my own thoughts that get me sometimes...

KayC,

That is why I always said I had to have music or some kind of background noise to distract me. Sadly after 35 years everything somehow relates to my loving wife EVEN songs that have been released since my loving wife died. It is as if someone is watching me and writing all about mt experiences, AND I know that isn't what is happening. Unless this is all just a bad movie, with terribly mean writers. So yes my own thoughts have been my own worst enemy. Take  care, John

[KayC]

I understand.  I used to listen to the radio all the time, now my favorite station doesn't come in at home, sadly.  I live with quiet...

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I understand.  I used to listen to the radio all the time, now my favorite station doesn't come in at home, sadly.  I live with quiet...

KayC,

I use Alexa and the I Heart app to listen to the radio because of that same reason. I also use the music channel on cable too. Quiet is just not good for me, and it never has been. Worse now. Take care, John

[Carol34]

John,  I too have problems with quiet. I used to like the quiet.  My husband loved to watch television, and when he was home, the TV was always on.  When he was at work, the house was quiet unless I was listening to music.  Now, the TV is on almost all of the time.  I need to hear voices, I guess.  I can't watch or listen to the news, or anything that's serious, so I scroll through the channels until I find a mindless sitcom from the 80's or 90's, or something on the Food Network...or sports.  I love the sound of a baseball or basketball game so if one is on, it's my background sound.

If there's no sound in the house, my mind goes wild. I have random thoughts, that start building in intensity, until everything I think of is worst case scenario.  I get all worked up, and spend the next hour crying over something that isn't even going to  happen. 

As far as music goes, songs are a trigger for me too.  I listen mostly to Christian Contemporary music.  Some of the songs were ones we listened to on our trips to appointments, chemo, etc.  So, even though they have a positive message, it's hard not to picture my sweet husband when I hear them.  There's also a commercial that has a song I'd never heard until I saw that commercial, but every time it comes on, I cry.  I know he never heard it, but something about it reminds me of him.

We are all so broken.

[NiquesMom]

Picked our son up from summer camp and he is telling me about going to the pool. He went on the diving board for the first time. As he is telling me I think to myself " I need to call Christopher to tell him."

Miss him so much.

[John9]

9 hours ago, cmp34 said:

We are all so broken.

cmp34,

Yes and sadly the one who would be able to help put us back together is why we are so broken. I call it my brokenness, because my heart is broken, my brain is broken and my body is broken with all of the aches and pains I already had and the new ones I have since my loving wife died. Take care, John

[John9]

7 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Picked our son up from summer camp and he is telling me about going to the pool. He went on the diving board for the first time. As he is telling me I think to myself " I need to call Christopher to tell him."

Miss him so much.

NiquesMom,

Yes , I fully understand the thought about telling something that our loved one should know or would find interesting, funny or whatever we are feeling. I miss my loving wife more each and every day and night, I know I will always miss her and the smile she had that lit up the room when she walked in. Take care, John

[KayC]

21 hours ago, cmp34 said:

songs are a trigger for me too.

Yes, it's too hard to bear listening to "our songs" (which were many).  I like country gospel, no triggers there.

12 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

As he is telling me I think to myself " I need to call Christopher to tell him."

Yes, and for the first few months after my sister died I kept thinking "I need to remember to tell Peggy this." and then it's hit me again, she's not here.

[Gail 8588]

19 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

. . .  I think to myself " I need to call Christopher to tell him."

For the first year I did that a lot.  After 5.5 years I still do it every once in awhile. 

Gail

[John9]

Another bad weekend and the other days are not much better. So many thoughts in my broken brain, so many regrets and failures. Is this ever going to end, it seems forever since I last saw my loving wife (500 days) and it is just so hard and harder each day and night. I hate this so much. Just venting again. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

. . . Is this ever going to end, . . .

John9, 

It is miserable, to have shared a life with a true soulmate and then to lose them. There is nothing that can fix what is broken. 

Somehow I did manage to stop focusing on how terrible life is without my sweetheart compared to how good life was with my sweetheart.  That comparison was never going to be positive. 

Instead, I try to focus on what good things happen today, without comparing it to a day when my husband was still with me.  I have many very good days now, even joy-filled days. But none of them compare well to the happy, secure days when I had my sweet loving husband by my side. 

I hope you can make that shift, to be somewhat content with what good things (even very small good things) happen today, without comparing it to a day with your loving wife.  

It took me almost 4 years to make that shift.  Nowadays I am mostly happy with my life, though there are still some days I wallow in sadness missing him and missing our life together. 

Gail 

 

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

Somehow I did manage to stop focusing on how terrible life is without my sweetheart compared to how good life was with my sweetheart.  That comparison was never going to be positive. 

Yes it's true Gail....that comparison kill us!  i'm trying to find something good everyday ...but it's hard, very hard! I can't forget how funny loving easy was my life with him...

Inside us we all know that, and be content now is like swallow a bitter pill everyday...

 

[Sparky1]

21 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

I'm trying to find something good everyday ...but it's hard, very hard!

I agree with everything that's been said. I know in my case thinking about things that make me happy is like trying to cheat on my brain. Eventually every thing that might bring me joy is short lived. Then try to find something else to ease the pain. It's like a drug addict that needs a constant fix to keep being high. Deep down in my heart the pain is still there, nothing other than being with my wife again will ever permanently get rid of that pain. In the meantime, we must enjoy those little moments however fleeting they may be.

[Carol34]

On the days when I'm alone in the house all day, I tend to cry more, and have a harder time seeing the good in anything.  I'm usually alone 5 out of 7 days.  And with the gas prices so high, I try not to drive anywhere at least two days a week, just to stay in budget.  Those days are hard.  But today, my 10 year old granddaughter spent the day with me.  She and Paul were very close.  She was with her parents every evening when they visited him in Hospice.  And he passed away 2 days before her 10th birthday.  I have to admit...she's my rock.  She loves to bring up memories of him in just about every conversation.  Sometimes, she reminds me of things that I'd forgotten.  I have a couple of videos on my phone of the two of them dancing to "Just Dance".  We love to watch those videos!  For Christmas, I gave her, her sister, and her brother small photo albums with pictures of them with Paul.  She shows it to everyone!  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I try to focus on what good things happen today

Yes, this.

@cmp34 I'm glad you have that with your granddaughter, mine is 7, I don't get to see her much. It's not how I imagined grandparenting.

[April Ballou]

@cmp34 my oldest granddaughter,  Arianna, and my husband,  Darrell were very close.  I think that I am being punished for the way I treated Darrell.   I could have been a better wife and a better mom.  I guess thats why my children dont have very much to do with me.  I know that I made mistakes and I am sorry.   I cant undo the past.  Its the past, it cant be changed.  Darrell was a hard worker,  the best dad, the best husband.   He treated me like a queen.  How I wished that I could give him something special Sunday.  But he's not here and he never will be.  This is the worst.

[April Ballou]

Yes I have 38 years worth of memories.   I know that I can't change the past.  @Sim7079 your right my husband and I shared so much love.  He was my prince charming.   We were supposed to grow old together.   But I guess that I have to grow old by myself. 

[KayC]

I can't begin to know what you are struggling with, April, as I don't have those feelings, but rather than take the part, take the whole, of the man, of the relationship, of your time together.  Knowing that he knew you weren't perfect and loved you anyway, and that was enough.

[John9]

KayC,

I have so many thoughts in my broken brain that sometimes I think my head will explode. As I have stated before, my loving wife and I weren't perfect but we were perfect for each other. We had accepted each other "warts and all" and we were in a good place when she died, at least I think we were. But that being said I can't stop the thoughts of doubt and failure. It is something that I may or may not overcome as I traverse this painful journey. But I am still here and I am trying to cope as best as I can. I just really miss my loving wife more each day than the day before.

I am going to change topic here, since it seems that OldTrojan is no longer here on the other forum. How is Panther doing, is he still coming to visit and if so has he accepted you and Kodie more. Also how is it going with Peggy's estate and your Daughters paperwork.

[KayC]

Nothing can be done yet with Peggy's estate.  I asked of my siblings if they still want to spread ashes Aug. 6 and only got a response from one.  Can't do this w/o my brother as he has her ashes!  Time is going, it's been over four months now.  I need to find out from my neighbor how to open the box for Bert's ashes (he made it).

Panther wants time with me, usually early am is the easiest as we're having extreme heat.  Will be glad when the temperature is more normal!

 

Never heard a response from my daughter about her divorce papers, it's been 1 1/2 months!

[John9]

KayC,

I am glad still wants time with you. As for everything else, I guess I will never understand anything anymore. I don't know why it is so hard to get things done, and why it seems that we are forgotten or left out of the loop on things. I have found it to be a hurry up situation when someone else needs or wants something but if I need or want something there is no response or a delay that causes other issues for me. I just love all of the stresses that all of this has caused me, that must be what is keeping me going.

[KayC]

What you say is true. 

 

[NiquesMom]

Strange dream last night. I was out on a date with someone, we were talking about books and tv shows we like. I remember wondering if i should tell him about Christopher. 

I know it just shows me how lonely I am and it has only been 8 weeks. Christopher was my best friend and besides missing the love of my life, I miss my friend. I miss texting him GIF all day, silly things to make each other smile. I miss telling him about the book I am reading (even though he didnt like to read, he didnt like how long it took to finish a book and would rather just watch a movie). I miss hearing about the nascar race standing and how kyle busch (his favorite driver) was doing. I miss planning our future together.

I cant imagine ever wanting to date again, my husband wasnt perfect but it would always be a comparison. 

I want my life back.

[John9]

1 hour ago, NiquesMom said:

I cant imagine ever wanting to date again, my husband wasnt perfect but it would always be a comparison. 

NiquesMom,

I fully understand everything that you wrote, I feel the same way about my loving wife. I always said my loving wife and I weren't perfect but we were perfect for each other. I can't ever see being with any one else because as you say it would always be me comparing someone to my loving wife. Nobody will ever compare to her memory, not that I am or will be trying to find anyone else. Take care, John

[KayC]

I get that, John, I truly do.