Realization

[John9]

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

It's rare to find people who actually do their jobs anymore it seems. 

KayC,

That does seem to be very true, just got off the phone in regards to MIL small pension claim. The company had said they would contact me within 10 days after I submitted the paperwork AND guess what they didn't. I called and had to explain everything again to another person who finally said that they were processing it and would send a check when they were done. I don't know how long that will be but she did say that it "seemed" as if they had all of the necessary paperwork. Once again it is a hurry up and wait situation that nobody cares about what I am dealing with.

[tnd]

On 2/6/2022 at 8:45 PM, John9 said:

That morning I received a notice from the Court that I have to go for Jury Duty in March and I am in no mood for that, I can barely function let alone decide the fate of someones future. I just want all of this to end.

John9:   Sorry for the late reply...You could probably have your doctor fax or mail a letter to the court clerk to tell them you are not well and are also grieving. It would also help if you mention you have physical pain and not sleeping right and feeling unwell. I had to do this because I did not think I could walk from my car to the courthouse downtown because of my Asthma and it was worsening, which my doctor was aware of (pre-Sarcoidosis diagnosis). Plus, I had already performed jury duty twice before. Not going to do it again. You just have to be very blunt with them and let them know you do not think you can be counted on. My doctor handled all this just from a note I faxed him asking for his help, there was no need for an appointment. 

[tnd]

On 2/7/2022 at 10:20 AM, John9 said:

n the paperwork it says I need a Doctors letter and our Doctor doesn't do that.

John9:  In that case, make it easy for the lazy arse and type up a short letter yourself and fax it to the doctor requesting his signature and with a copy of your email requesting to be excused for jury duty (including any email/correspondence you have already sent the court if you did). His PA or nurse or front staff should have no problem typing their own letter if they want, my gosh, it's not like they have to write a novel.  

[tnd]

On 2/8/2022 at 8:07 AM, KayC said:

All you can do is when you go and they're selecting you can tell them you don't feel your brain could give a good verdict as you can't absorb/process anything right now, being heavily in early grief.  They will likely let you go.

KayC:  You're right, they don't want someone they maybe can't count on. And he should be sure to have a copy of his wife's Death Cert with him. Hopefully he won't have to even go to the court and his doctor will fax a letter to the court on his behalf. 

[KayC]

He got excused from jury duty, somebody at the courthouse listened. 

Now if someone would just process my daughter's divorce (her husband deserted her, then took her apt!) the paperwork went to the court two years ago and she paid the fees then and NO ONE has done anything with it!  No one answers the phone.  No one cares.

 

[John9]

I survived Valentine's day, but for some reason today is even worse than yesterday. I am just sitting here crying and thinking about my loving wife and how much I miss her. I always think about my loving wife and every other thought always seems to cycle back to her even when I am not trying to think about my loving wife. There is just so much not being done and so many delays and somehow it just keeps coming back to my loving wife. I am trying to get all of the paperwork to file all of the taxes and that revolves around my loving wife. I am trying to get paperwork for MIL and then that brings up my loving wife and no matter what I am doing my loving wife is always on my broken brain/mind. I had to go to MIL's house yesterday and shovel snow and my loving wife was on my mind all the way there and back and while shoveling. As I have said there is really nothing that doesn't trigger me about my loving wife and all of the issues and delays I am dealing with are not making any easier or better. I am just venting to try to keep from exploding inside. I don't know how this stress hasn't killed me yet, but I feel it will eventually.

[tnd]

On 2/11/2022 at 9:01 AM, KayC said:

the paperwork went to the court two years ago and she paid the fees then and NO ONE has done anything with it!  No one answers the phone.  No one cares.

KayC:  I think Covid policies have something to do with so many offices not answering phones. I don't know how they expect people to conduct business. Guess they think it will all just magically happen. 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

I always think about my loving wife and every other thought always seems to cycle back to her even when I am not trying to think about my loving wife.

John9:  I kind of go through that, too. Especially when I've had a rougher day than usual. Sure makes moving forward hard, if I'm to move forward at all.  Was trying to read and gather info for my tax return and proof of benefits for my health insurance but noooo....babysitting again today. Can't take care of my own business because I've got to take care of someone else's kid.  If my husband was here I wouldn't have to be. I'd be home (with him) and eating chocolates. 

[John9]

22 minutes ago, tnd said:

KayC:  I think Covid policies have something to do with so many offices not answering phones. I don't know how they expect people to conduct business. Guess they think it will all just magically happen. 

tnd,

The problem as I have concluded is that nobody cares anymore. They get paid and if they finish their work good, if not doesn't matter to them. This is not isolated and it is a major issue but can't be fixed because of the  "it's not my job" attitude. I have had so many different issues with so many "people" at so many companies and such that it is frustrating to no end. Everything depends on paperwork and without it, what needs to be done grinds to a halt. Today I received an email in response to a question I asked and once again the person didn't read the original email I sent. So now I have to wait and hope she reads the second one, but in the meantime it adds to the delay. My attorney sent paperwork to the Court and omitted a form so it adds to the already too long case for my friend's estate and it keeps going and going. Nothing seems to end, I will probably be dead for years and not allowed to actually die because the paperwork wasn't filled out right and I will walk the earth as a bigger zombie than I am now.

 

12 minutes ago, tnd said:

If my husband was here I wouldn't have to be. I'd be home (with him) and eating chocolates. 

tnd,

If my loving wife was alive I would be eating some of her great cooking and then we would be eating chocolate and maybe other of those things that aren't good for us. I miss that very much along with every little thing about her and I am trying to survive but it isn't getting any easier.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

I am trying to survive but it isn't getting any easier.

John9:  I hear ya. I don't really expect things to be all that easier but did hope that after several months there would be a little less stress and maybe a little less pain. Nope. Not a chance.  Guess it's going to be a while before I hit a (my) stride. I keep going and going and then it's "Hey, wait a minute. I woke up to this yesterday! Isn't it supposed to get a little easier now?"  I so very much need that to happen. 

[Jemiga70]

12 hours ago, John9 said:

I always think about my loving wife and every other thought always seems to cycle back to her even when I am not trying to think about my loving wife.

John, you took the words right out of my mouth and mind.  Not a minute goes by. Not a minute.  And I'm at 9.5 months.

Also I can relate to your frustration w paperwork. It seems never to be the right form or notarized document or whatever else. It seems never to be enough for these people. It seems they don't really listen, and it also seems they lack empathy on top of it all. They really don't know (or care?) that grieving people are challenged by a brain that, in my case certainly, is firing on 1 or 2 cylinders.

Going to start praying that people begin to nurture a sense of pride, responsibility and empathy.

[LMR]

I just felt I had to say a few words here. There have been so many complaints about unhelpful people. I guess I was lucky but the people I dealt with couldn't have been nicer. Pensions office, bank, dmv, they all showed me great kindness and empathy. There are a lot of hoops to jump through and I suspect that the longer covid can be used as an excuse it will continue to get worse but there are nice people out there who will put in a bit of effort to help. So this is just to give some kudos to them.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't know how they expect people to conduct business.

Apparently they don't care as they haven't done their job for two years!

6 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Going to start praying that people begin to nurture a sense of pride, responsibility and empathy.

Oh yes!  We NEED that in our country...maybe everywhere!

@LMR  I'm very glad you've had positive experience...some of us haven't been so lucky but I'm glad at least one person has been!

[John9]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

I just felt I had to say a few words here. There have been so many complaints about unhelpful people. I guess I was lucky but the people I dealt with couldn't have been nicer. Pensions office, bank, dmv, they all showed me great kindness and empathy. There are a lot of hoops to jump through and I suspect that the longer covid can be used as an excuse it will continue to get worse but there are nice people out there who will put in a bit of effort to help. So this is just to give some kudos to them.

LMR,

I am sure that many people had good help when needed but as you know it is more common to vent about a negative than it is to praise someone. I will say that there have been a few people who have been helpful AND I have thanked them for all of the help they gave me. But too many don't want to be bothered to do the job that they have. As has been stated the worst part is that we are grieving people and mostly they are in a job that deals with death and grieving people. I have stated before I can't tell anyone how to do their job or how to run their business but I can definitely say when I see something wrong and I am not an expert on anything. When I worked I dealt with paperwork all of the time that didn't deal with these issues but even then people didn't want to do the job they were hired for. Covid is just a general excuse it seems right now and because it is Universal nobody will disagree it is an issue. I have never said that nobody does their job, it just seems like nobody I am dealing with is doing their job.

[John9]

7 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

John, you took the words right out of my mouth and mind.  Not a minute goes by. Not a minute.  And I'm at 9.5 months.

Also I can relate to your frustration w paperwork. It seems never to be the right form or notarized document or whatever else. It seems never to be enough for these people. It seems they don't really listen, and it also seems they lack empathy on top of it all. They really don't know (or care?) that grieving people are challenged by a brain that, in my case certainly, is firing on 1 or 2 cylinders.

Going to start praying that people begin to nurture a sense of pride, responsibility and empathy.

Jemiga70,

It's 11 months for me and my pain seems to be getting worse, which seems to trigger the thoughts about my loving wife and then the cycle keeps going. Yes there is a lack of empathy in most of the people I have dealt with, there have been a few who you could tell cared and wanted to help. Sadly for most it is just a job that they work for a set period of time and if things don't get done oh well. As I said it is the fact that everything seems to rely on another form and another delay and it makes this pure Hell as if the grieving wasn't bad enough. I would "walk" away from it all if I could and it wouldn't cause our son any issues or pain. Grief brain is not something that most people will understand until and unless they go through it and even then because of how it works they may not realize what others have gone through.

[John9]

9 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  I hear ya. I don't really expect things to be all that easier but did hope that after several months there would be a little less stress and maybe a little less pain. Nope. Not a chance.  Guess it's going to be a while before I hit a (my) stride. I keep going and going and then it's "Hey, wait a minute. I woke up to this yesterday! Isn't it supposed to get a little easier now?"  I so very much need that to happen. 

tnd,

Yes, it seems like some days are like running into a wall. I think I am doing okay and then I find another delay or another issue or another trigger that seems to put me back so far it seems like I am starting over again. I am not sure if this is ever going to get any easier for me because it is 11 months and each day and night seems harder then the one before. I know I have said before I would like my plate to clear up and be able to fully deal with my loving wife's death but there seems to be more and more piling on it every day or week. Nothing seems like it is being resolved and the stresses are getting more and more. I just want to have the peace my loving wife hopefully has in Heaven.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

@LMR  I'm very glad you've had positive experience...some of us haven't been so lucky but I'm glad at least one person has been!

KayC,

Me too.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, LMR said:

There are a lot of hoops to jump through and I suspect that the longer covid can be used as an excuse it will continue to get worse but there are nice people out there who will put in a bit of effort to help. So this is just to give some kudos to them.

LMR:  I'm glad you have had a more positive experience. I've always believed in thanking and giving kudos to people who help me that are proficient at their job and actually nice while doing it. I want them to know their effort and ethics matter and that is exactly what I tell them. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

I am sure that many people had good help when needed but as you know it is more common to vent about a negative than it is to praise someone.

John9:  The restaurant business has a saying that goes something like this:  If people go to a restaurant and get good food, they tell 1-2 of their friends. But if they get lousy food they tell EVERYONE. 

[John9]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  The restaurant business has a saying that goes something like this:  If people go to a restaurant and get good food, they tell 1-2 of their friends. But if they get lousy food they tell EVERYONE. 

tnd,

It isn't just the Restaurant Business, it seems to be everything and anti-Social media doesn't make it any better. I know that my loving wife used to hear about only the negative reviews at the Veterinary Hospital she worked for. People will go out of their way to criticize and I wasn't trying to be that way just making a statement about what I am going through. Too much just dragging on and on and it is dragging me down with it. Every time I think the light is at the end of the tunnel, it is an oncoming train to run me down.

[KayC]

I will toot people's horn whether negative OR positive!  I'm one that believes in reviews, not to bash but so they'll learn something, sometimes we can't have audience with them.  Unfortunately we can't rate government agencies.  Courthouse employees that don't do their jobs for TWO YEARS!!  None of the rest of us would keep jobs if we didn't do that for that long!

A friend of mine works in a grocery store with someone named Suzie...Suzie is ALWAYS calling off work, for YEARS!  Leaving them in the lurch, others having to work OT to cover for HER!  At great cost to the store.  Yesterday they fired her (she'd been talked to time and again).  She was shocked!  WHY?!  That's how it should be!  People need to do their jobs.  Medical personnel...some have worked their tail off during Covid, but I had a doctor who would not give service, do their job whatsoever.  I switched.  It's been 13 1/2 months I've lived in pain now and no one cares!  No one does a biopsy or even looks down my throat!  I have a "consult" appt in April out of town with a Gastroenterologist.  I have to make a long special trip in for a Covid test three days prior...not for the scope, but for a "consult!"  I want a SCOPE!  If I did have cancer, it'd be way too late the way they're going about it.  I need a doctor who doesn't just issue referrals but one I can get into within a week, not a month, and doesn't cancel on me three times meanwhile and make me fill out a long form each time!  I need a doctor who gives a rip.  Oh how I miss my original one from years ago!  He'd have done a scope himself, within the day!  They don't tackle things anymore.  They pass things off to someone else...and it's hard to find a specialist who cares either.

[John9]

39 minutes ago, KayC said:

I need a doctor who gives a rip. 

KayC,

I am sorry that you are still having trouble just being seen about your medical issue. You are sadly correct that time delaying figuring out the issue may affect recovery. I will always believe that those delays caused my loving wife to die, because nobody listened to her concerns and then it was too late. These are the thoughts that will haunt me until I die, the would have, should have, could have things. We never thought that what she was going through would be the death of her because she was too "healthy" and still working. This is just another of the things we have talked about, nobody hears us when we talk. My loving wife was not a complainer, when she said there was something wrong there was. There is a definite issue with some medical professionals, too many think people only want drugs and blow them off. This is another topic we could discuss forever and it won't change for too many reasons. I hope when you are able to see the Doctor, the issue is resolved I can't say quickly because that ship has sailed. I understand the added frustrations can add extra stress that nobody needs and isn't healthy when already dealing with other issues. Why can't things go smooth and easy once in awhile. Sorry again I am putting my frustrations into your situation. I do hope this gets resolved for you soon.

[John9]

Just to update on my paperwork issue, I said I contacted someone about a 1099-R for MIL so I could file her taxes. The person didn't read the email and said to login to the online account and so I replied and no response. Today I sent another email and a response came back that they sent the 1099-R but if I didn't receive it to login to the account online to print it. I told them in both emails specifically that I am not able to login because access is not allowed since MIL died. It is once again hurry up and wait because I won't know if it was done unless I do or don't receive it and with the USPS delays that have happened and continue to happen I have to wait for weeks to see it the forms come. This is not strictly someone not doing their job, just not doing it well (not reading). Just venting again, because I am unable to do the other things that might take my mind off my loving wife for a moment. Nothing really does for very long but I am trying to still take one (long) day at a time.

[KayC]

I'm hoping this is something simple like an infection or fungus, but I know it's not likely those as I've already been through those courses of treatments to no avail...hoping it's something solvable but NOT cancer!  Already checked for allergies.  Checked into medications.  I've done more investigating myself with Dr. Google's help, come up empty.

Oh John, I am so sorry you are going through such delays and frustrations.  Yes, I get it, I totally do.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

These types of worries, about health issues and all the grim possibilities, are something I have to fight against too.  It is so hard not to go to the "what if it's cancer, what if it's xyz".  But that is when I have to pull back and say "I can only deal with what is actually here today."

It is not ignoring the issue, but for right now all you can do is get an appointment as soon as possible. You are doing that.

For me, worrying about all the what ifs was exhausting, depressing and paralyzing. 

You have been on this road a long time.  I know you will get through what you need to deal with today.  I hope you can push back the "what ifs".  It's a constant battle. 

Hugs

Gail 

[John9]

On 2/11/2022 at 10:01 AM, KayC said:

Now if someone would just process my daughter's divorce (her husband deserted her, then took her apt!) the paperwork went to the court two years ago and she paid the fees then and NO ONE has done anything with it!  No one answers the phone.  No one cares.

KayC,

There is an article in the Newspaper today on the front page about the County backlog here in Michigan, it says it has been going on for years and has only gotten worse and the cause is COVID. It is another example of blaming Covid because basically the problem is they don't pay Clerks enough and there is a shortage. I don't know if this is what has happened where your Daughter lives but that is what the article says. Nobody wants the job because they can make more elsewhere.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I've done more investigating myself with Dr. Google's help, come up empty.

I think that Dr. Google has become way more common especially since Covid and the lack of being able to see a "real" Doctor. I know my loving wife used the internet and at no time was death the response she received when she listed symptoms. I hope it isn't cancer either and the Doctor is able to treat it quickly when you finally see him.

[tnd]

On 2/16/2022 at 6:16 PM, John9 said:

People will go out of their way to criticize and I wasn't trying to be that way just making a statement about what I am going through. Too much just dragging on and on and it is dragging me down with it. Every time I think the light is at the end of the tunnel, it is an oncoming train to run me down.

John9:  I completely understand about the "dragging on and on". I am basically going through something similar in the way that just when I think things are taken care of, here comes some more. And during all that, other things keep popping up that need attention. I wish people could really understand the helll we are going through. It's as if no one can see or wants to see just how much grief takes out of you and affects every aspect of your life. And I do mean every aspect! 

[tnd]

On 2/17/2022 at 10:28 AM, KayC said:

They pass things off to someone else...and it's hard to find a specialist who cares either.

KayC:  I am SO sorry you are going through all this. Geez...it's not like you are asking for the moon or anything. You just want a doctor who....will be a doctor! I am pretty fortunate with the doctors I have. I've had my Primary for 28 years. Both he and my Pulmonologist spend the time I need with them, way longer than the 15 minutes scheduled. My poor husband was the one who had some lousy doctors. The left hand never knew what the right hand was doing, despite them saying that they shared notes. And yes, they were very good at passing him off, uh, I mean, referring him out. I've made note of these so-called specialists my husband was sent to, just so that I will never end up in their office. 

[tnd]

On 2/17/2022 at 10:28 AM, KayC said:

A friend of mine works in a grocery store with someone named Suzie...Suzie is ALWAYS calling off work, for YEARS!  Leaving them in the lurch, others having to work OT to cover for HER!  At great cost to the store.  Yesterday they fired her (she'd been talked to time and again).  She was shocked!  WHY?!  That's how it should be!  People need to do their jobs.

KayC:  This was perhaps my biggest pet-peeve when I was working. Lazy people who dump on their coworkers. One such coworker called off because her mother died. Well, that was interesting because her mother died TWICE. Needless to say, she didn't last long when they put the "tough" manager in-charge of our team. The woman used to be a secretary for a General and before that, a secretary for a Warden at a prison. lol  She and I got along splendidly! It was the lazy ones who had a problem with her. 

[KayC]

I feel angry with doctors and gov't workers who blame Covid and don't do their jobs.  When I worked for a doctor we didn't do that, we handled emergencies, worked late with no extra pay, treated them in a very caring way, hell, we even brought them coffee!  He gave results in person after hours, esp. ones that needed talked about and guess what he never charged for it!  When my MIL had cancer and was bedridden for three years, he came to her home (next town) to see her and never charged for it!  Back then you never heard of a "phone visit" or zoom.  I can't do zoom where I live.  Back then divorces went through within weeks of filing!  Times have changed, and not for the better.

Now we're hearing about potential bleak future with what's going on with Russia, etc., how this country and that country will hold sanctions against each other, how inflation and gas continues to climb, blah blah blah and nothing we can do to control any of it.  I turn the t.v. off.  My BP can't handle any more of it.  I change/handle what I can.  I pick up branches and will be shoveling snow again tomorrow.  I vacuum, cook, haul wood.  I walk Kodie and take him for play dates.  I interact with those around me.  This is it.  We used to have things to look forward to!

BTW, we had a Russian employee years ago whose parent died twice too!   We fired him so fast the second time.  He should have documented his lies to keep track of them...we did..

 

[tnd]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Times have changed, and not for the better.

KayC:  Heck, I can remember my nickname at work being "Radar" because I was always one step ahead if there was a problem. I'd have it all worked out before managers even knew. Got to the point where they would be approaching me for help and they could tell by the look on my face that I had already heard about the problem and fixed it. They'd say "We know, you already took care of it, didn't you?"  Was too funny. But what we are experiencing these days is NOT funny. I actually could see things taking a dive before Covid. People are too lax and flippant about things. Now it's biting us in the butt. It's both angering AND sad. But I do know there are still some people out there who care about other people and who care about the quality of their work. We just don't hear about it enough. The media and the puppet meister's would rather we be upset, desperate and terrified. 

Remember that song "Dirty Laundry"??  

[John9]

tnd,

The comment that you make about doing things, that was my job. I have worn so many "hats" that there was nothing I couldn't or didn't do. Now my broken brain keeps me alive and that is about it. I found out this morning I mailed out the wrong check and held onto the wrong check for 2 accounts. One was supposed to be cancelled and I mailed that one and one was supposed to be paid and I didn't mail it. I am so worn out and I know why I am making mistakes, but I can't believe that is why I am having problems getting things done. It is the main reason I hired an Attorney so I don't make mistakes. Too many people just don't care to do the job they have and nobody is pushing them because they are afraid they will quit and then where will we all be. It is a major crisis especially when it is important like medical and legal things.

[tnd]

33 minutes ago, John9 said:

Too many people just don't care to do the job they have and nobody is pushing them because they are afraid they will quit and then where will we all be. It is a major crisis especially when it is important like medical and legal things.

John9:  Perhaps we are so beaten down as a society that we believe it is "every man for himself" now. When it comes to a crisis or a sudden dramatic emergency, some of us go to the problem to offer our help and others freeze up while still others flee. It's the flite or fight syndrome. And it's much like a reflex; we cannot control it. For example, and I don't mean to make this about me but, there has been many times when I have found myself running to help someone who has been injured or in danger and I did it without thinking about it. Even if it meant putting my own life in danger. Meanwhile, there are people who simply cannot see themselves doing that and they are hoping they never will have to. The uncertainty alone is scary. The shock of what happened makes them freeze up and fearful. I don't know if it's the same with what we are seeing as far as the "I don't care" attitude but I do wonder how much fear and feeling helpless weighs in on it. 

You and I and everyone else on here are fighting grief. Along with that we are living in a world that is fighting Covid and its effects on society as a whole. Some are doing better coping with it than others. Sucks for a lot of us. I can't drink but sometimes I wish I could..

[tnd]

This song from the Bell Notes seems fitting right now. 

"I've Had It" 

 

[John9]

tnd,

There are so many songs that "fit" KayC, posted one once "They're coming to take me away" and that definitely fits most of the time. "Sleep Walk(ing)" is also how I feel most of the time. Too many songs work because if you actually listen to the lyrics they could be about my life.

[tnd]

20 minutes ago, John9 said:

Too many songs work because if you actually listen to the lyrics they could be about my life.

John9:  Perhaps we need to think just a little more highly of ourselves. We need a battle cry! Well, maybe not tonite but a good battle song of victory might help. We need to look at ourselves as victors. I'm all beaten up, tattered and torn, tired, hungry, angry and just plain frustrated by life these days. I'm not as calm and collected as Ol' Hickrit sp?? was.  

 

 

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC, posted one once "They're coming to take me away" and that definitely fits most of the time.

Here it is again!  Yep, it's definitely our times now!  

 

tnd & John, you both describe what I was on my job, superwoman for sure, and now?  Now my brain is worn out.  Life does that.  Death too.

[John9]

I had a dream last night/this morning that I was going to die and it is finally over. I don't know if it is prophetic or wishful thinking or my brain trying to make sense of the senseless. I haven't had any dream like that except the one I was drowning right after my loving wife died. I don't claim to understand anything anymore especially dream interpretation. As I have said maybe too many times, I am nothing without my loving wife and the 1 year date is approaching and who knows what will happen. I do know that it has been discussed and we all know stress is a slow killer and I have way too much of that.

[RN-Nix]

Hi I'm new to this site and you are the first person I'm responding to. I will go back and introduce myself. You are definitely going through what so many of us including myself are going through. I feel all that you have shared to my core. You're not wrong in how you feel or even how you express yourself. It's a sad and hurtful time. Notice I'm not giving you advice bc my loss is still fresh (2 months) and I have that empty hole as well. Keep venting and just know that you are not alone. 

[John9]

15 minutes ago, MrsNix said:

Notice I'm not giving you advice bc my loss is still fresh (2 months) and I have that empty hole as well. Keep venting and just know that you are not alone. 

MrsNix,

I am sorry for your loss, feel free to read, post , vent, write or scream. I know that this is not a place we want to be, but without it I am not sure where I would actually be. The comments and advice I received here has been a tremendous help on my journey. I don't know if I will ever finish this journey in the sense of moving forward from this grief over losing my loving wife, but I try to go on one day at a time. I hope that you are able to find some sense of help from this site. The one thing I greatly appreciate is that there is no judgement here, just helpful people who understand how hard and painful it is. Grief is personal but also universal and even though nobody will know exactly what you are feeling, we all are feeling a terrible loss of the most important person that we LOVE(D) and always will.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, MrsNix said:

Hi I'm new to this site and you are the first person I'm responding to. I will go back and introduce myself. You are definitely going through what so many of us including myself are going through. I feel all that you have shared to my core. You're not wrong in how you feel or even how you express yourself. It's a sad and hurtful time. Notice I'm not giving you advice bc my loss is still fresh (2 months) and I have that empty hole as well. Keep venting and just know that you are not alone. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Two months is indeed still fresh, I was clearly out of my mind with grief at that time, frantic.  I'm glad you found your way here and hope you continue to come, it helps.  We want to be here for you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I had a dream last night/this morning that I was going to die and it is finally over. I don't know if it is prophetic or wishful thinking or my brain trying to make sense of the senseless. I haven't had any dream like that except the one I was drowning right after my loving wife died. I don't claim to understand anything anymore especially dream interpretation. As I have said maybe too many times, I am nothing without my loving wife and the 1 year date is approaching and who knows what will happen. I do know that it has been discussed and we all know stress is a slow killer and I have way too much of that.

I think it shows what's on your mind and what you wish/hope for.  It takes time for us to see any good in life and a lot of effort/focus to look for it.  You're not there yet, this is very much a process.  

[KayC]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

stress is a slow killer and I have way too much of that.

Yes, and I'm not sure how slow it is at that...me too, with a sister so dependent/disabled/dementia, with surviving hardship here, with the hand injuries I've sustained and have to live with, with aloneness...it's not easy.  One reason I'm unwilling to take on the red tape you have, you should be sainted, IMO.

[John9]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

One reason I'm unwilling to take on the red tape you have, you should be sainted, IMO.

KayC,

Not really, this is just one of those things that if I didn't do it who would. I know my loving wife would never have been able to do any of this and our son is too "lazy". As I have said there really isn't enough money to make it all worthwhile and if a professional did all of the paperwork there would be nothing at all. It is bad enough I have to pay Attorney fees and Court fees and everything else, it isn't cheap to live but it can be very expensive to die.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, John9 said:

there really isn't enough money to make it all worthwhile and if a professional did all of the paperwork there would be nothing at all

This is how I feel, I'm just not up to it, my brain is getting older and I feel it, it's why I gave up my treasury job (volunteer unpaid) 1 year ago, I'm not as I used to be and well know it.  My sister keeps wanting to put everything onto me, I'm unwilling.  I barely take care of what I need to for myself!  I try to help Peggy as much as I'm able to but the first year after Bert died, esp. after she went to the hospital and rehab, it was too much, it sent my BP soaring and I find I'm no good to anyone else if I don't first take care of me...a lesson we learn as we age.

[Gail 8588]

Life seems to have slow/calm periods and then periods where too much is happening all at once.  When I was younger, I was better able to navigate the busy/high stress periods. 

Lately I have been in a high stress phase, and it is exhausting!  I have been keeping my 2 grandchildren much more often, as my son is selling a house he has lived in for 5 years. (He has a lot to move out and to fix up, which is hard to do with the kids around.)  I love having the grands, but a 3 yr old and a 4 month old is a lot for me.  My brother just lost his wife the end of January, the memorial service was this past Saturday. I have tried to be supportive of him, driving over to his place 3 times in the past month (a 4 hour drive one way). My sister-in-law, who was so helpful to me when my husband died, is really coming into her grief from her husband dying in October.  I talk with her 5 or more times a week and she periodically stays over night in my house. Right now I am helping my single friend recover from surgery yesterday.  I took her to the surgery, brought her home, fed and nursed her yesterday, took her back for a post operative check today. She will spend the night here again tonight and possibly tomorrow. Thursday and Friday I'll have my grand kids.  On Saturday, I want to go see my brother again, as after the memorial service, you can really feel abandoned. 

It's just a lot! I feel like I could sleep for a week.  Looking forward to the arrival of one of those boring periods when nothing much is happening.  

Gail

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I find I'm no good to anyone else if I don't first take care of me...a lesson we learn as we age.

KayC,

Again I will say that this comment may well have been an issue for my loving wife, she was taking care of her Mother and working and was neglecting her own health. I am guilty of that as well when I was caring for my friend and her Mother too, until I had no choice but to see Doctors. I guess up to a point it is human nature, if you are a caring person you put others first.

[John9]

30 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

It's just a lot! I feel like I could sleep for a week.  Looking forward to the arrival of one of those boring periods when nothing much is happening. 

Gail 8588,

It is good that you can help and are there when others need you. Now about the quote, let me know how that works out for you. I haven't really had one of those for too many years even before my loving wife died. The shock of nothing going on might actually kill me, as I have said I have been under constant stress for over 13 years now . If it stopped how would my body know how to react. I am sorry for the loss of your SIL, it doesn't end does it. My Uncle died at the end of January, he was my late Mothers last sibling so that chapter of the family is closed. I know I am at the age when it seems to come more frequent because we are getting older, but I will never understand my loving wife dying so young or really anyone else young either. Death is something we all know is coming and it is never easy but there is a point where you say they lived a long life, that point will probably vary. I know my loving wife feared living and being unable to "function" which I understood, but I'm sorry it was too soon. I will never understand no matter how I try. God could try explain it to me and I won't understand it.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I find I'm no good to anyone else if I don't first take care of me...a lesson we learn as we age.

KayC:  I am learning or having to learn to say "no" just so that I can be at my best (which isn't saying much these days). But if I don't pace myself I will only struggle and then may end up needing help myself instead of being there for anyone else. I think what we view as an accomplishment and how we achieve it changes with age and our health but also, from life experiences, such as suffering a loss.   

[tnd]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It's just a lot! I feel like I could sleep for a week.  Looking forward to the arrival of one of those boring periods when nothing much is happening.  

Gail

Gail:  Wow! You certainly ARE very busy! But I'm sure all these people you are helping appreciate it. At least you can understand them and their need for help right now. You are being very very kind and generous. My husband and I used to say "boring is good!".  Hope you get your quiet time soon or treat yourself to a restful getaway. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Lately I have been in a high stress phase, and it is exhausting!

Gail, I feel for you, I really do, I feel this at times too with my sister falling to me and knowing her dementia will only worsen in time, it is a lot.  And here I am nervous about taking care of my grandson in June for three days, it's a long ways to drive to, nowhere for Kodie to play safely outside, remembrance of the horrific time in Sept. when I went there to take care of the kids (PTSD over it) when I was surprised and ferociously attacked by their new large "puppy"...I have reason to be nervous and worried.

Caring for so many people as you are, it's a lot.  I hope things calm down a bit...soon.  I must say "boring" sounds pretty good to me too, I don't remember being bored...

[John9]

My loving wife and I really enjoyed what other people would have called boring. We were happiest just enjoying whatever down time we had as long as we were together. It was good to be able to recharge the brain and as my loving wife would say "veg out". I am afraid if I veg out now my brain will stop altogether. Too much and too many thoughts and I really just want it end.