Young Widowhood

[withani]

Mark...the conversations between Mary and Christi sound awesome!!! I really believe in the many dimensions of life and how we carry on here and there....very interesting topic!!! I hope you get a response from CindySue and that you had a peaceful weekend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm sorry to be delayed again. So many things aren't what they were. I was talking with a friend and counseling colleague a few days ago who told me she believes we're seeing another turning point in the illness. She thinks the issue of talking "with" Christi means she's either getting closer to the end, or she's developing dementia, a condition elderly people face in the latter stages of many illnesses. She's also very very tired. She'll easily sleep 22 to 24 hours straight. Her doctor backed off her meds, but she still acts high and sleepy. We're all concerned. Maybe her "prediction" was close. Maybe that was her last Christmas. I want her to see two more weeks (20). Are you doing well, girl? Just because we're going through the thick of it don't mean your world has to stop turning. How's work? Are your grandbabies okay? I bet Peanut is getting to be sooooo big. Have you been taking time out just for CindiSue? I sure hope so. This is the most important part. You're a very special friend, a dear woman, and so very worth all the spoiling and pampering you can receive. Do fuss over yourself, please. Oh, it does look like I will be driving in your general direction soon. My grandson will be having eye surgery, although we're not scheduling it until all four grandparents are able to be present at the same time (I can't wait to see my ex. riiiiiight! and I'm also Santa Claus). I wouldn't miss this big day for anything. Grandpa loves his little grandboy with his whole heart. I'm nervous and scared about the surgery, but we'll get through it. Well, I pray you stay well, and that your heart and mind are filled with peace. My prayers and thoughts are always with you. luvs & hugs, Me

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone,

I am so sorry I have'nt been on here in so long I havin been in alot of pain with this fibermylergia and get around on cruthches and thats makes it hard to care for Byron..my mom and me have been gettin along bad..she says again over and over what a rotten parent..I am and that I am not doing good..my self estemm is like way down I don't know why I listen to her but her and my stepdad does not let up...I am living on darvocet and the more they bug me and scream at me the more I wanna take to block out the pain..she says I should'nt be depressed and bitches cause I never got rid of Roger's clothes..I went to my grandpa's 96th birthday today at the nursing home and I went and took my crutches with me to help me walk and all my relatives were thier and the whole time I was thier they were all callin me a drug addict,..and puttin me down as a parent because Byron wwas so shy and would'nt go to any of them..I was thier for a couple of hours just to hear this??? sometimes I wonder why I am around.. I make everyones life miserable accourding to my mom..she thinks Byron should be taken away..and she don't realize the pain I am in she thinks I am faking most for simpathy she keeps sayin Roger's been gone for 2 years so don't play the poor widow..and she said me walkin on cruthches does'nt make people feel sorry for me..they just feel sorry for Byron..she don't realize I use them so I won't fall..I give up I can not make no one happy..maybe she is right I makin my baby's life miserable..things here are so bad my oldest daughter Tina the one with the 5 kids her marriage after 2 years is going bad she found out her hubby has been talkin to other women on the net tryin to make dates..and I guess he wants out..so she's been a wreak..how can I help her when my life is so sucky..I am sorry everyone for layin all this on you but I feel you are my only friends..I am so down cause I feel like my whole family hates me..and thinks I am the worse which is makin me dependant on darvocet..the stress is makin me hurt even worse..well I better go I can't stop cryin..I love all of you so much..Cindisue, Mark, Trish and all of you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[withani]

Mark...sorry it took so long to get back online...busy weekend. Sorry to hear about Mary's slow decline...what a journey you're on...I'm so sorry. Busy weekend here...grandbabies are WONDERFUL and getting bigger every day! Good news...received two Stafford loans so looks like I'll definitely be heading for school in November!!! Woohoo!!! Went ot Octoberfest over the weekend here in Cincinnati and I can honestly say for the first...in a very long time I enjoyed myself...missed Gary terribly but I'm learning to live with the pain. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!! Don't let your family get you down girlfriend...you have so much to offer...we all love you and want you to be well. Please take great care of yourself...we're always thinking and praying for you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, It is so very good to see you back here. I have missed you so very much. Your charm was missing which felt like someone let the air outa my tyres. Oh, there's so much to tell. Is dear little Byron doing well? I hope so. I always hold him in my prayer (mamma too). I'm so sorry you are hurting, and I just want to tell you that you ain't fakin' nothin'. Is there anything I can do to help you? Seriously, is there anything I can do to help? I'll be going to see my daughter in about two weeks, so if you need anything, please ask. I'll do all I possibly can for you. Don't listen to those who treat you so poorly. You are a truly wonderful person, woman, mother, and grandmother. Please dont pay attention to nonsense trying to put you down. If you need crutches, hooray! At least you can get about with them. If they call you an addict, it's their loss, Cindy. Their loss. They just don't care about who is underneath all the pain. CindiSue and I do! You have friends here who care about you like you're family. Girl, you're loved here. Please do take sweet and gentle care of you, and try to rest. Just take it slow, and be sure little Byron is well cared for. We got your back. love you, with soft and gentle hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm happy to hear you went out and did something fun. We may be alone in this *^@)_@ world, but we can still have a little fun. I kicked out and went to Jersey for a Stevie Nicks concert a few weeks ago. It was great. Shock of shocks, my ex called me. Like I really want to be involved with her. We have unfinished business. My daughter wants me to move closer to her. Both girls would be happier if I did move there. My wife will be in a nursing home soon, so I'm seriously thinking of it. I'm really sick of being here. So, you're gonna be a schoolgirl? Hmmmm. Watch out for those frat boys. They see a pretty girl like you, they may go stark raving mad for ya. Jokin? I know, CindiSue, you're a pretty woman. Those hormonal teenagers can't behave for anything. I'm proud of you for going to college. I really am! For tonight, get some rest, and then have a great day tomorrow. I'm thinkin of ya, with a prayer. luv ya, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Just to let you know, those conversations with Christi and my wife are becoming more frequent. If you have any ideas what in heck is going on, please let me know. My 13 year old is now seeing them, and he tried to interrupt, but couldn't. There's no way to barge in. She's in her own world. You tell me? And I'm the shrink? Oh, are we in trubble!

[cindysue]

Wanted to tell all of you..I have some bad new.. my daughter Tina well her hubby beat her up sunday night her face is swollen and she can barely talk..I beggged her to leave him but she is too scared to I talked to her today and she go's I think Randy learned his lesson..he bought me flowers and apoliged..I tried to tell her thats the cycle her and the kids don't need this..she is 28 she is too young to go through this..her oldest son Brandon 13 went after his stepdad with a baseball bat he said what did you do to my mom..I feel for all her kids to see this she has 5 the oldest 13 the youngest 2..what am I gonna do???? I am so afraid he is gonna kill her Tina's self esteem is so low he told her no one will want her with 5 kids and he even told her to her face he would'nt mind taking her girlfriend to bed..boy what a sick man to tell her this after 2 years of marriage..my heart is so breakin for her her face is a mess but I am afraid he is gonna kill her and I could'nt stand to lose her too its bad enough losing Roger..every since she lost her dad she has givin up..and is'nt strong anymore for some reason she thinks she deserves to be hit..this guy is 6'4 and over 225 Tina is only 5'3 and around 125..as you can see my life sucks so bad..and now my kids are going through hell..I am so mad at Randy I wanna beat his ass..but I am in no condition to do anything to help which makes me sad all I can do is be here for her..please all of you my sweet friends..say a prayer for us..Mark I have miss you and Cindisue and all of you like crazy you are the best friends I have and my life would not be the same if I never meant any of you...Byron is bout the same..still gets attaks alot and lately he turns blue more when he gets upset..so he is gettin another checkup and test on his heart ..my sweet lil guy is 3 years old and he is going through so much..but I know his daddy is watchin over him which makes me feel better..gettin closer to the time of his heart surgery I can just feel it and I am scared..well I am off for now..my heart is breakin for everything that is going on...I miss all of you so much..Mark, I still think of Mary often..I hope she has many monthes left but please let me know how she is doing I am concerned and love u my sweet friend..and Cindisue girlfriend don't know what I would do without you..hows the new grandbaby..bet he is gettin big...well gotta run and check on Byron..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue....I feel horrible about what your daughter is now going through...and as her mother I'm sure you are livid!!!!!!!! I know she thinks it will be alright since he apologized but I think we all know differently. My exsister-in-law has been beaten by her husband the past 28 years and this past March their oldest son who is 28 shot and killed himself...he spent many years in the same house witnessing this kind of abuse. I would be a hypocrite if I said it never happened to me...unfortunately it has and I know how your daughter is feeling about loving her husband and wants to make this work...I will definitely pray for her CindySue!!!

Please take good care of you...God has a plan...maybe he wants you and your daughter to be together????

Love U!!!! CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, no more! Abuse is not to be tolerated. Not at all. I'm going to email you with some ideas. Please read the email, and get back to me as quickly as you can. I'm leaving for NYC at 10 am Wednesday (eastern time - you're on my time zone). Tina needs to be helped directly and immediately. Cindy, this is no joke, no game. Someone is going to be hurt severely if you and Tina don't react directly now. I can help you, but you need to talk with me about it. Neither of us want Tina or her precious little children harmed in any way. He needs to see his destructive behavior is harming them and get help. He wont if he doesn't see how desparate things truly are. Read my email and get back to me soon. I love you, Me

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad you did something for YOU by going to Stevie Nicks!!!! I'm sure it was an awesome concert...she's one of my favorites! Yep...starting school November 15th...meeting with my academic advisor sometime in the next week or two to schedule classes...my financial aid has come through and I'm admitted :0

I'm sorry to hear about the frequency of Mary's conversations with Christi...although it must be comforting to her at this time. Very hard to think about though as the caregiver...my prayers are with you Mark...you've been a great husband and father...Mary knows this...

Love ands hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad you did something for YOU by going to Stevie Nicks!!!! I'm sure it was an awesome concert...she's one of my favorites! Yep...starting school November 15th...meeting with my academic advisor sometime in the next week or two to schedule classes...my financial aid has come through and I'm admitted :0

I'm sorry to hear about the frequency of Mary's conversations with Christi...although it must be comforting to her at this time. Very hard to think about though as the caregiver...my prayers are with you Mark...you've been a great husband and father...Mary knows this...

Love ands hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it was awesome! Sorry I was kept from here. It was tough with what happened in my family. Derrek Trucks played too, from the Allman Brothers Band. Amazing talent there. I think you'll do well - nah - GAREAT! in college. Just have confidence, and go for it. Do not use No-Doz. It's not for us grandparent types. We need our sleepybye time. Balance it out, and you'll manage ok. I'm gonna be in St Lou 10/20. As much as I wanna see my grandson, I would like to see him when he's not hurting after surgery. But, any time is better than no time. Please have a good weekend. I think my weekend is going to be tied up with a very hurting wife. We brought her home early from the home today, screaming bloody murder in pain. I called the doctor, and we upped her pain meds a touch. She's in la la land, but not in quite as much pain. I'll write later on, unless we end up in hospital. luv ya, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I do hope all is going well in your place. I'm praying for you and your little girl, hon. luvs, moi

[withani]

Mark...that sounds AWESOME...I'm glad you were able to enjoy the concert!!! Well needed break!!!! I'm sorry to hear about the pain Mary's in...I hope you two have a peaceful weekend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, as things grow more into the disease, and closer toward the inevitible, I keep learning and discovering things. You know I'm Canadian, which finally became a problem. Today, she blew up over my accent, as I simply mentioned that I 'needed that glass of pop" (instead of the American "soda"). Her rantings became so hostile because I didn't say "soda", she threatened me with a divorce because I have always talked a little funky. Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know my accent was such a problem. Did you ever encounter such a thing, arguments over things which made no sense? I don't know if this is a part of what is happening now, or a part of what happened fifteen years ago, when we nearly divorced. Any ideas? I do appreciate your help. Take your time to think about this one before you get back to me. Enjoy the weekend, and do enjoy your time with your grandbabies. My thoughts are with you, with prayers for what you need. luv ya, with hugs, Mark

[withani]

Mark....the last year Gary was living he became extremely delusional...he made up many stories about things that never happened and became argumentative..wanting to rehash many past arguments. I don't know why...

I witnessed my mother doing the same with her significant other...many arguments and accusing him of cheating on her when he'd go to the grocery store. My sister told me her mother in law did the same....

You need the patience of a saint at this time Mark...I know it's in you...if you get angry by Mary's words it will come back to haunt you when she's gone. I don't wish the extra guilt on anyone...especially not a dear friend like you. As you know...I had months and almost years of guilt for not being there and not wanting to discuss the inevitable with Gary...I am finally at the point where I'm not feeling the guilt and carrying around all this extra baggage and knowing that the choices he made were his and I was not responsible. In fact I'm going to fight back now and try to save my house ile I still can by getting a job in my field of the past 15 years!!!!

Take care my friend...I KNOW you'll make the right choices

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I don't know if I want to hug you first, or thank you, or buy you lunch, or what! You are such an angel, girl! an angel! It's not that we're losing our everloving minds, it's that this is what happens when they get close. Oh, CindiSue, thank you for saying this so much. So, I guess I can expect things to go downhill? She's so ill now, I know she needs to be in a nursing home. I don't engage when she starts her issues. I usually go outside to my workshop, or hide in my studio. I just try to get away from the nonsense. But, thank you so much, my dear friend, thank you, for helping me get these things into perspective.

I'm sooooo happy you are going to be in college, and still able to keep your beautiful home. Home is home. There is only one home, hon. I'm happy for you. I'm happy. If I can, and as I get a chance, I would like to offer you a few pennies here and there to help with your bills while you're in college, if you don't mind. Would such be okay, or would this upset you? Think about it, and if you're okay with it, let me know. Oh, please do have a good week. I'll be here this week, to see how you're doing. My week will be strange. My doctor has to alter my seizure meds. It's going to be a fun week. hehehehe. Til then, do take good care of you, girl. You're a very special and caring friend, someone I think highly of. Til then, luv you, with hugs, Mark

[aprilsmom]

I just spent four days walking everywhere in NYC-------------all I can say is wowiekazowie- amazing place. April would have loved going there--so much we wanted to do and never got to. I drank the frozen chocolate at Serendipity and went to church in St. Patrick's Cathedral. It's good to be home. Take Care, Renee

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad I could be of some help. Believe me...it helps me to be able to share what I've experienced with both Gary and my mom. Being the caretaker of our loved ones is the most difficult job I've ever had...and it's not an easy task not to take the comments they make personally. This is not how Mary wants you to remember her...she wants you to remember her when she was healthy. Thank God you have your studio and workshop!!!!!!!!! Praying for you my dear friend...take care...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I'm sorry I missed you girl. My sweetie crashed pretty bad.

CindiSue, as these things unfold and I learn more of what is happening to her during this process, I'm happy that I chose to stay, not leave when she kept prompting. Yeah, I love my studio - in here now, listening to Lenny, having a lot of fun too. I should try to sneak you to NY for a jam session sometime. hehehe.

I'll be leaving for my daughter's on October 18. My grandson is counting on grandpa to be there for his surgery. It's not about visiting, or the operation, but about a five year old who needs his grandpa. There's no stopping me from this. If I have to, grammie's going too. However, I'm going.

Renee, those fires aren't near you out there, are they? I'm praying for you people. Again, sis, I'm sorry I couldn't get to town. I did really miss you so much. I was in JFK, but that was a very fast flying ride, and we had to get straight back.

luv you all, my dear friends, I really do, Me

[aprilsmom]

Oh Mark-I knew you had to have been going crazy with family doings and all. I did walk by the music stores and think of you though-just soes ya knows friend! Mamma Mia was wonderful. Good 'ol Denzel Washington sat near me at Babbos but it didn't stop me from putting away that food! Oh, Tony Bennett sang by himself and with Billy Joel as I watched the taping of the Today show; he can STILL belt out a song!Wonderful place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there; guess I'm spoiled out in the middle of nowhere:) Today, my Kristi turned 30 and it was very emotional for me, sending her flowers from all of us and her departed sis---tough stuff ya know? But, ya gotta do it. WE ALL JUST GOTTA DO IT-----------FOR OUR KIDS! Love you all, Renee

[withani]

Mark....I'm glad you've stayed too...there's a lot of questions I have for God about the pushing away and distancing at the end!!! You've had a rough road my friend but I KNOW you'll always be thankful for the time you've been able to spend with your sweetie...priceless!!! Jam session huh??? Unfortunately I'm very rusty with Gary being gone...lost my enthusiasm I guess you could say..but NOT my love of music!!!!!!!! My son recorded his first song with his band Saturday at the recording studio in Cincy and I know this sounds bias but it's AWESOME!!!! They've been very patient getting the band together and each is an expert at their instrument. The singer sends chills up your spine...they are original. They're taking their time and recording one song at a time. They spend 9 hours Saturday on their first song. I'm thrilled to be a part of this process...my basement has been band practice for over a year and I'm privledged to hear this all come together. Gary would be so proud

Take care...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Renee...so GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!! I'm very glad you had a wonderful time in New York!!!!!!! You're right WE JUST GOTTA DO....for a kids...put one foot in front of the other and keep moving even though we'd all love to pull the covers over our head....

Always thinking of you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, a day to celebrate. I had to wait til the 28th to write. The 27th is sacred. Our day. So to Kristi, my very best. My friend's little girl celebrates her birthday on the same as our anni? Funky! My wife had a fair day; I tried to keep it happy and special. It's not easy when she's nearly completely bedridden, most likely edging into another stroke. Yeah, I'm a little emotional tonight. This may well be our last time to celebrate this day together. So, ya don't like the NY groove as a lifestyle? It's not much dif up here, in da burbs. It's good being close to the vibe of NYC. Ya just gotta get into it, but then, I'm completely city boy. I don't like being in Wile E Coyote land. Well, have a good Thurs. I gotta see my brain trauma doc, to see bout the seizures and headaches. I'll letcha know what's up later. Til then, luvs, Moi

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm so excited hearing your son was able to cut that recording. I hope they can take this someplace great. Sitting here in my studio, I gotta admit, I love my job. Music is a good place to be professionally. Girl, it's not that Gary would be proud, but kiddo, he already is. He can hear them, and see them. So ya think you're rusty? I have a spray can of rustbuster . . . (smiling). If you want to jam, you may even play any of the guitars I've collected over the years. I think I know those questions you're talking about. We all have them, my dear friend. I don't want the answer to "why" now. I don't want to know why she had to suffer all this. I am so very thankful for you, CindiSue; very thankful. You're always here when I need to cry or complain about it all. I could have never done this without your help, wisdom, and advice. Thank you. Now, please do something just for CindiSue. You're so worth it. I'll let you know later tonight what the doc said. I need to see what's up with my seizures. A few friends have told me stress plays into these seizures heavily - like I have stress??? hehehe. Catch up with ya later. luvz, hugz, Me

[withani]

Mark...I'm very proud mama...my youngest son Tony is simply AWESOME!!! He always has been...very sensitive young man...when Gary passed he rushed home and just sat next to me with his arm around me all night. It warmed my heart to read your words that Gary sees and hears his band. He always felt that Tony was his son...Tony was five when I first met Gary and at that early age he was curious about Gary's guitars so he would let Tony play his acoustic on his lap as long as he sat down on the couch. We've come a long way since that time and now he's an 18 year old young man....

My pick of ANY guitar to play...WOOHOO!!! Professionally I'm sure music is THE BEST!!!! How fortunate you are Mark to have that in your life

I believe your friends are absolutely right about stress playing a part in your seizures...God only knows how much stress you've been under...and yet you are so kind and wonderful to each and every one of us here. God Bless You

Please have a peaceful seizure free weekend my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I started changing my time for being online. My girls were yelling at me to sleep at night (like I listen? to them, yes). This biznis of seizures makes me require a lot of rest now, so for a while, I'm going to behave. Maybe. Sure, you can play any one of my axes (about two dozen now), even my favorite '62 Fender Strat. It's beautifully scratched and battle scarred, but sweet to play. It's neat to see our kids become adults, ain't it? My 18 year old makes me proud. He is starting up his own trucking business, which is a ton of work. My wife was again at the e r today. They said her liver and kidneys are now involved by the dystrophy. We have to run a pile of tests to find out how badly. I guess I could cry in my beer, if I drank, but I have to expect these changes. It's going to happen. She's going to die. As much as it will hurt, I'll be without her. C'est les vie du moi (this is my life). I start the antiseizure pills at 8pm, with the hopes for that seizure free weekend. I'm being optimistic. Hope you have a great weekend too. If the kids start playing too loud, I'll send you earplugs. (hehehe). luvz, hugz, Me

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad you're listening to the girls and getting some well needed rest!!!! I hope your new medication helps with your seizures...you've got enough on your plate...yet you still keep a positive attitude...so cry in your tea or diet coke if you need to....we're allowed

Wow a '62 Fender Strat!!!!! I wouldn't do it justice..believe me!!!

Yes it is fun watching our children grow into adults...I'm listening to the band right now in my basement..earplugs...NEVER!!! I enjoy their music...it's fresh...original...and seriously they are VERY GOOD!!! They have a website on MySpace the band is The Vist Vitalis...if you get a few moments check out their first song...I'm interested in your musical opinion.

To accept your beloved is dying is a task I wasn't good at Mark. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but everytime Gary tried to talk to me about it I changed the subject. I told him your NOT going to die!!! There's nothing wrong with any of your major organs and I cannot talk about this with you...now I feel like the word a**hole should be stamped across my forehead I'm convinced he knew his body was in trouble and he had no one to discuss this with...shame on me...BUT on a positive note I could never leave him...even with the urgings of himself and everyone around me to go...he will always be with me and I with him. To be able to accept the fact before Mary's gone may make the transition smoother...I don't know...so here's a hankerchief and cry when you need to my friend.

Have a peaceful weekend!

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you'd play the thing just fine. It doesn't bite, and you wouldn't hurt it (no more than I do). I'm more into my basses; I'm not a guitar player. Thank you for your amazing sense of wisdom through all this. I appreciate you for writing, and your wisdom and refreshing way of thinking about the issues we face through this painful time. I'm all for a smooth transition with this. The latest is her liver and remaining kidney are being affected, but the degree to which is unknown yet. More tests on tap. Sometimes, I'd almost rather they just leave her alone and let the process happen. I'm sorry to be so depressed. It hurts watching helplessly. Thank you for the handkerchief. Never will I allow you to write that word, but I will allow "friend", or maybe "caring", or "compassionate". You're one of a kind, and I hold your friendship close to my heart. You've helped me through a lot, which I appreciate. Hope you have a good Sunday, and maybe even get to spend time being grammie. luv ya, big hugz, Me

[withani]

Mark....I'm sad for both you and Mary that all this proding and poking and late night trips to the ER. I know it's rough on you....and Mary...wow...to be her age and not be able to do anything about the decline of your own health has to be mind bogling (sp?)...all too often we don't appreciate our own good health and fortune while someone as special as your wife doesn't have the choice...and the helplessness you feel my friend must be overwhelming at best!

I thank God I have such good friends here...particularly you Mark...you're a bright light through all the twists and turns in the journey and if I can be an occasion shoulder to lean on it's my pleasure....

I DID get to spend some time with my grandbabies yesterday...the circle of life is awesome!

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, don't get me turning all mushy now. (smiling). Can you remember when I thought of this as something far less tragic than it really is? Not that long ago. I'm not sure if it's from her, or that Jenni's birthday is approaching, or a combination, but even my aide told me I looked tired and depressed. Maybe it's even partly about the little children killed in PA. As father of a girl who was killed by someone else's cruelty, that whole scene just boiled up all the feelings again. I'm so heartbroken for the parents. I know the pain they feel. (yep, crying again). Take care my dear friend. I can't wait for two weeks. I'm going to see my grandson. Rest well tonite. hugs, luvs, me

[withani]

Mark...you are entitled to be tired and depressed when you are feeling that way...it makes you real my friend. I IS very sad about the little girls who were killed in PA....and being the parent of a child who was killed I cannot even phathom but to say how sorry I am that you and any parent has to feel that. I ran into an old coworker yesterday who told me her nine year old grandson recently passed away and a week following...her husband passed. All too often...and I know I'm guilty of getting caught up in the how much I miss Gary and my mom and I don't give credit to what I DO have in this moment. I'm fortunate to have son's and a daughter who love me...and healthy grandbabies that I am blessed to watch grow. I won't ignore how I feel...and each day is different but I AM going to try to be more positive on loving what is.........

I hope you get the rest and break you so well need....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, can you believe I fell asleep writing to you? Thank you for your precious thoughts, which a treasure. The pain of losing Jennifer in such a horrifying way is my personal emotional hell. I'm sorry your friend and coworker has gone through so much pain and loss lately. I'm sorry. As you continue in your journey of healing, do throw out the memories which are painful and unpleasant, and keep only the memories of happy times, warm hugs, and special time together with your family. Your mom is a dear woman, who loves you with her whole soul. She's with you, always, and nobody can take this beautiful thought and feeling from you. Have a great Friday, and I pray your weekend is peaceful and restful. Luv ya, with big hugs, ME

[withani]

Hello Mark...yes I CAN BELIEVE you were falling asleep trying to write. Please get the rest you need my friend. The pain you must feel on a daily basis with losing Jennifer I'm sure is overwhelming at best...yet you keep a positive attitude for all those around you. You're an angel!!! I have been working on keeping the positive and throwing out the negative when it comes to many of my memories...things that just don't seem as important anymore.

I'm reading an excellent book written by Thomas Moore titled Dark Nights of the Soul....highly recommended.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend as well Mark..take care..love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Hello Mark...yes I CAN BELIEVE you were falling asleep trying to write. Please get the rest you need my friend. The pain you must feel on a daily basis with losing Jennifer I'm sure is overwhelming at best...yet you keep a positive attitude for all those around you. You're an angel!!! I have been working on keeping the positive and throwing out the negative when it comes to many of my memories...things that just don't seem as important anymore.

I'm reading an excellent book written by Thomas Moore titled Dark Nights of the Soul....highly recommended.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend as well Mark..take care..love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, One week from tomorrow, Monday, is Jenni's birthday. As we have been doing, her step sis and I will spend the day together. I really like spending time with her. It makes me feel a little closer to Jenni, but also it's good to be with such a dear young lady. Hmmm, sounds like a good book for my holiday travels. I'm going to be spending a lot of time doing nothing, so I need a good book. Thanks. We're going through the next phase of things here, facing the dystrophy now effecting my wife's liver and remaining kidney. Like we need this. I know it's only time. I sat here asking God which will be worse, the emptiness of now or the emptiness of my life after she's gone. Or, is there a difference? Time will tell. Ya know, we really need to right a book of all this. Look at the millions you could have for your college! Was your weekend great? I spent a bunch of time finishing projects I wanted to get out of the way before my holiday (yard work, a few repairs, and playing my new bass). But, now I can devote my time to packing everything I need, and making sure I don't forget something. With my memory, I'm likely to not leave on time. Rest yourself and try to have some fun just for you. luv ya, hugz, me

[withani]

Mark...how nice to spend Jenni's birthday with her stepsister...sounds like it's a good thing for BOTH of you! Yes...I do think you would enjoy "Dark Nights of the Soul"...it's a tough book to put down! You're in such a difficult spot with the waiting knowing there will be no improvement and I don't know which is worse...the before or after...it's a no win situation unfortunately but hopefully taking the steps that you are taking now you won't be overwhelmed with the should've and could've that come with the loss of someone so close. You're right...time will tell.

The weekend was pretty good as far as weekends go...I was fortunate enough to go out with a friend to listen to a local band Friday and read my book Saturday. Sunday I spend with the grandbabies at the park...so all in all..pretty good. It's just the closeness of your significant other that you miss soooooooooooooooooo much! I don't think most people can understand this unless the have gone through it or are going through it how hallow you can feel.

I'm glad you had a peaceful weekend Mark...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you have said such a great masterpiece of wisdom. Unless they go through it, or have gone through it, they don't know how we feel. It's impossible, thankfully. I would hate to think a person can imagine accurately this kind of suffering. Spending a little time with Jenni's stepsis is always good. She's a sweet kid (listen to me! she's 29). Jenni would turn 32 this year. I'm happy to hear you had a good weekend. Spending time with your grandchildren is always good. And you even got to go out to hear a band! Good for you! I'm glad you were able to do this for yourself. CindiSue has the right to spoil herself now and then.

I can't wait for next week. I want to spend a few days with my grandson. He's all excited, asking how much longer til Grandpa gets here. Patience. Take care of you, CindiSue, and spoil yourself. You're a great friend and wonderful person. You deserve the best. luv ya, big hugz, Me

[withani]

Mark...having gone through losing both Gary and my mom...both who have been closer to me than any other soul..I can honestly say that it's made me take inventory in myself. I've learned to talk less and listen more...especially when someone else is going through a loss or illness...and to give the gift of time whenever possible..I also have a new found peace within myself.

I'm glad you enjoyed your time with Jenni's step sister...I'm sure it meant a lot to her.

I went with some friends to hear yet another live and last night...it was fun..my friend and her sisters..we danced all night. Tonight I've got my two grandbabies sleeping over...it's the first time my new one (3 mos. old) has been apart from my daughter. That's cute that your grandson's excited that grandpa's coming to his house...grandparenting is so cool

Hope you have a good weekend Mark...you and Mary are in my thoughts and prayers...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...having gone through losing both Gary and my mom...both who have been closer to me than any other soul..I can honestly say that it's made me take inventory in myself. I've learned to talk less and listen more...especially when someone else is going through a loss or illness...and to give the gift of time whenever possible..I also have a new found peace within myself.

I'm glad you enjoyed your time with Jenni's step sister...I'm sure it meant a lot to her.

I went with some friends to hear yet another live and last night...it was fun..my friend and her sisters..we danced all night. Tonight I've got my two grandbabies sleeping over...it's the first time my new one (3 mos. old) has been apart from my daughter. That's cute that your grandson's excited that grandpa's coming to his house...grandparenting is so cool

Hope you have a good weekend Mark...you and Mary are in my thoughts and prayers...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi CindiSue, that sounds so great getting to have your grandchildren overnight. Something gives me the impression they're leaving Grammie's house more spoiled than when they arrived. It's okay. Go ahead and spoil them. Sugar 'em up and give 'em back to mommy. Isn't this part of our revenge for their teenage years? hehehe. You seem to be enjoying a little CindiSue time, going out to catch bands on weekends. This is good. You need the time out to be yourself, to kick back and relax. I admire your wisdom. This changes us, in some ways for the better. For me, I know I've become more caring, sharing more of my time with those who have lost a child. I haven't felt like I've been strong enough for Parents of Murdered Children yet, but maybe soon. They have things I need, so after holiday, I may start going. It'll hurt, but pain can be healing. Tomorrow is Jenni's 32nd birthday, then on the day after, I'm leaving for a week. I'll stay in touch, but there'll be a day here and there I can't write; those travel days. Try to take very good care of yourself. As much as you spoil your adorable little grandchildren, spoil yourself. You're worth every bit of it. My prayers are with you, my dear friend. a hug au revoir til I return, with luvz, Mark

[withani]

Mark...you're right...my grandbabies left being more spoiled than when they came. What's a Nanna to do??? We had a great time together as always. I hope you get through "The Day" as well as possible my friend. Parents of Murdered Children group sounds like it would be very much healing...painful..yet healing to know so many have been going through what has been your worst nightmare..

I hope you travel safely and will look forward to catching up with you later in the week...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone, so sorry I have'nt been around at all..I found out just recently I have a very serious back injury that was why I was in so much pain my spine is misinligned and I have neck degenration..and my pelvis in out of place I am seein a chiorprater for this 3 times a week for 25 treatments..I walk with crutches and am in severe pain all the time which makes it hard to care for Byron..but I try so hard cause I wanna be the best mommy for him..he is in preschool now he go;s everyday from 8:30 to 2pm..for handicapped kids he loves riding the school bus and is learning so many things..he is such a joy..I cry when he leaves cause I miss him and worry about him..he is such an angel..I wish I could walk better this pain is aweful..I just hope I don't have top have surgery..I miss you cindisue and you Mark..so much..I think bout you two all the time I have'nt had time to read whats been going on in your lives but I hope its all good..I love you guys so so much..hope you all have'nt forgotten me..cause I have'nt you..your the best..well I am gonna run for now cause I am hurtin..I will write more very very soon...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron..

[withani]

CindySue....forget YOU....NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry you are in such pain my friend. Listen to the doctor and please do whatever he suggests!!! How exciting for Bryon to be going to school...I bet he's having a blast and making all kinds of friends I know Mark was going out of town...everything here is pretty much the same...busy with work...my children...grandbabies...I'm working on getting a new job to keep my house please pray for me...

Love You!!!!! CindiSue

[jcruzgirl]

Hi Everyone,

Long time but I am just popping by to say hi.. I can't believe that it is nearly one year since James died. So MUCH has happened and my life is so busy right now. I have quit my job and finally start a new one next week. I am VERY excited about that. I KNOW that it is exactly what I needed in my life and I am oh so excited about it. I also am attending an "Adult Education" class. I am taking Spanish and it is a fun class. The people in it are great and it gets me out of the house a couple times a week. How much fun is that?? I love it.

I am really sad right now. Next month, 11/12/05, is James one year anniversary. I was suppose to go to Hartford, CT for it, but now I cannot afford it. I had borrowed his sister money for her to come here back in July and she was suppose to return the "favor" for me to come there now. Guess what?? I am not going. She won't even return my phone calls now. I feel so upset and betrayed. James was MY LIFE and he died in OUR home. Now I can not even go to his one year celebration. How is that going to look to the rest of the family?? Not that I care what the family says, but it is the whole idea of it. I miss him terribly and so want to be there, but without work I can not afford it... I know, I know, it is only his bones and flesh up there, but you know what I loved those bones and flesh. It was ME that he came home to every night, that he called a 1000 times a day that he would kiss at night and tell that he loved. It is NOT fair that he has to be so far from me and our home. I HATE THIS... I so wish I would have done things differently last year. I should have just done what he asked me to do and then told everyone else that he had passed. NO ONE cared before he died. Well, except his mother. No ONE else used to even call him to check on him to see if he was alright. It was me that took care of him and he I.. I am the one he loved and still loves, it just sucks that I am the ONE that paid for his funeral and his headstone and now I am also the one that doesn't get to go to it. I hate this and it hurts and angers me. What can I do about it now though??? It is too late. I should have just listened to what our friends said and told me... I should have listened to James and what he asked of me to do...

I am tired, actually exhausted. I know that this cloud is lifting from my head, but will it ever completely go away??

Hugs and Love to you all,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, how could I ever forget such a great friend as you? You did so much for me, helping me through a lot of stuff, I'm always grateful for that. Sorry to hear your back is hurting you so much, and so out of whack. Please take gentle care of yourself. I'm a little tired, just getting in from holiday. I spent a little time with my grandson. Our time together was nonstop go and run. Where does he get that energy? hehehe. Take it easy, girl, and if ya need anything, we're always here for ya. luvs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, if it helps, kiddo, I'll pitch in some scratch to help you with the traveling. Maybe I can't give you enough for the whole airfare, but I'll do what I can. You're a friend, and friends help friends. Just email or call and tell me where you want it sent. I get paid one week from Friday. I learned to not get into how other people feel about me, cuz I can't do a thing about it, and how I feel won't change anything anyway. Just do the best you can to be the best person possible. You're a pretty great Trish as it is. I'm honored to know you. My prayers are with you about the work thing. Be patient with yourself. You'll get through this. We are here for you . . . always. luvs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi CindiSue, are you doing well? How's work? and your grandbabies? I hope you are having a great time with everything this week. I finally am back home! It feels kind of okay to be home, but I'd rather be closer to my grandson. He's the most beautiful and perfect child in the world! (maybe I'm biased, but I'm a grandfather). It's good to be here, where I can have contact with my friends. I've missed you and the rest of the gang. This has been a difficult trip. Mama was ill while I was away, and took another turn for the worse. Everyone knows now that when she is placed in nursing home, I'll be moving closer to the kids. I want to be with my grandson. His surgery was a perfect success. I'm praying for you, as always. hugs & luvs, Me