Young Widowhood

[withani]

Mark...I hope you finger DO hurt tommorrow and you can't type...that will mean you're doing something for YOU finally!!!!!!!! One minute..one hour..one day at a time my dear friend...

You have always been encouraging for all of us here Mark...it's alright to be down...that's why we're all here...BIG OLE' HUG...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[aaronsgirl]

My husband was 25 when he passed away. On July 22 we were celebrating my birthday early with all our families. We were joking around and telling everyone of our plans for our honeymoon for Sept. 2 (we didn't have time to have a real honeymoon when we got married on Feb. 18) and of our plans for our whole life. The next day on July 23 (my real birthday age 24), my husband Aaron and I were doing things around the house and entertaining our friend Christine. We dropped her off at her apartment and he never complained of any health problems. While we were showering, he said "oh my god" and fell out of the tub onto the tiled floor. I called 911 quickly but knew in my frantic state that he gave his final breath only after about 3 minutes. He was already gone when the ambulance came but I was given hope that they got his heart going. At the hospital, I was told that his heart had given out and they could not revive him. My whole world came crashing around me. I didn't understand what they were saying and then I understood when I was shown into his room. Everything hit my numb mind and body as I stared into his blank eyes. Everytime I think he might be coming back, my mind reminds me of what happened and I can still see that horrible day. I don't know how people deal with this sudden loss at a young age. I am slowly going through with life as Aaron would want me to live it. He would have been horrified if I disconnected myself from everything around me and I would not want to upset him. He is/was my life and I think I need to life it for him. Hopefully he is by my side even if I don't see him.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Aaron's girl: You kids are not supposed to have to endure this type of loss at your ages. My daughter April was 26 and her husband Bobby only 28.....20 mos. and I think Bobby is still in pain and in shock and none of us seem to be of much help because we all remind him of what WAS and isn't anymore. It HURTS! We are all glad you found this site because it does help to have people who understand what you are going through. We know you are frozen in sorrow and will pray that you find just some of His peace so that you can feel Aaron next to you. So sorry for your loss- try to hold on and take care,

Renee

[withani]

Aaronsgirl...I am SO SORRY to hear of your loss...suddenly is very very hard...especially when you're not aware of a medical problem. You'll find wonderful people on this site who have been going through this journey. For me...it's been a little over 18 months...numb is good word to start with...you'll go through many emotions of being lost and in a fog...I lost my significant other of 11 years suddenly...his heart as well..he had turned 50 a week and a half before he passed. Twenty five is WAY TOO YOUNG!!!! Please believe that Aaron is with you and his love will go on for you...God Bless...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Aaronsgirl, I am sorry this loss is now yours. When your whole life lies ahead of you, and you're both so young, it's an overwhelming impossibility of reason that he could be taken away from you like that. This is a time when everything will feel this way, impossible and overwhelming. Keep your inner hope alive. This is the beginning of a difficult journey, but we're going to be here for you. When you need to talk to someone who understands the emotional turmoil, the intense feelings of everything, we'll help you in any way possible. This is why this website was established. My journey here first began with my wife's terminal illness, which has been slowly dragging on for about six years. I'd be lost without the dear ladies who just wrote you. Write anytime you like, about whatever is important to you at the moment. Our thoughts and prayers will be with you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, sorry I was away. Long hard weekend. The hospital discharge people and our care managers have decided my sweetie has to stay in hospital until she is placed in long term care. They flat out told me to my noggin that I can't stay awake twenty hours a day caring for her. She's holding out for placement where she was at the day program. She likes it there, so do I. They take such good care of her there. I remember what you went through last fall, so I hope you don't mind me asking, is it wrong for me to have the feelings I'm getting now? First, I feel like I've betrayed her and let her down, because I'm her hubbie and supposed to care for her. The pastor of our church has told me to feel like this is relief and freedom, and in a way, I do. Now we can enjoy the time we have left, reading books together, watching old movies, just being together for a sunset. Before, I was to exhausted to enjoy much. As much as I tried to enjoy my studio time, even it was more like work. Somehow, tonight, I feel like I have some creativity coming back. She wants me to write some thngs for her funeral, and I've begun this. A friend has come up with some very cool thoughts, so I pursue them in the music. Strange, but with all the wierd, painful things going through me, I feel like I have energy. If you feel I'm out of whack, you have permission to smack me around with a clue by four. I have a wicked headache, so when I can, I'll have to read back and catch up on all the news. For tonight, thank you for always being here for me. There have been times I've felt so weak I thought I couldn't go another day. Then you'd say just one thing, and I'd be back, doing what I must to take care of her, raise a family, be a grandpa, and all those things that make me who I am. Takes a friend for that. Thanks. Have a perfect Monday, and a happy week with the little ones. luvz, hugz, me

[withani]

Mark...sorry to hear about the unsettling weekend...I know it's very disturbing to you to think about Mary in long term care...I'm so sorry. I hope the two of you are able to enjoy many more events together and you're rested enough to be able to appreciate my friend. Last fall seems like a blur to me...in fact most of last year is a blur so you'll have to refresh my memory.

Writing songs for your sweetie...what a loving gift from the heart. Happy to hear you're working on that

I hope you can find a little peace Mark...even if it's just for 5 minutes of the day...God knows you've been through hell and back. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hi Evereyone ..sorry I have'nt been able to get on..I amnot doing good health wise..my back os giving up I am in severe pain now and can't move even for a little my hand and feet are getting numb now..and sunday I was rushed to the osp..by my daughter Tina and her hubby..he half carried me..and almost to the car I passed out and he said I stopped breathng well my son-inlaw in a paramedic so he hurried and hot be breathing and rushed me to hosp..I can't walk..and am on darvocet..the pain is so bad..I see my docote tues doctor today for him to check me then he will send me to a surgeion my girls are afraid they will lose me like thiey did thier dad..the nurses and doctor asked me if I was under any stress and I said yes..more then I thouth Rogre;s been gone for 2 years but the fact I watched him die never left me and it=s tearing my health down..tina and angela keeps sayin mom we lost dad we are not losing you too please get better,,and poor babt=y byron tin's had ti watch her brother the last few days overnight its so bad I can't even watch him..and I miss him and he cries I want mommy..he is only 3 si he is confused as to what is going on..I am really scared..I don't think I am gonna live through this,,in wierd I don't know if I want too as much as I love my kids look what kind of mommy I am becommming I can't even care for our 3 year old son and he needs me and the girls are a nervous wreak cause of me...they are scared,mmlosing roger I can't get over I really try..but I think I need to be commited before I just break down..just ttyping this is hurtin me physically and mentally..I miss you all so much but I am afraid what the doctor will find out I can't walk now I feel no feelings in my feet is I try and use crutches I cry all the time..cause I hurt with my back its contstant pain..I will let you all know what the doc says..I am so depressed I need Roger.. well II love u all so much

Love and miss you,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Aaronsgirl..Gosh I just read your post..I am so sorry you have to go through this at your age..any age it is hard but you are so young..and he was way to young..My husband passed away 2 years ago of a massive heart attack..his heart just gave out too very unexpectedly so I know how shocking this is to you..but my husband was alot older he was 46 and we were actually celebrating his birthday at the lake on the boat he was driving the boat it was me and our 16 month old baby boy at the time and me..our 2 daughters were not with us..he was driving the boat when suddenly he started shaking and that was it he took his last breathe I managed to stop the boat and scream for help a boat came along and the people in thier performed CPR and someone drove the boat to the dock and 911 was thier waiting they even shocked his heart on the floor of the boat but he was already gone..and seein all this has left me depressed and so sad..we were married for 28 years so its like he was my life..but we have the 3 kids our girls are grown but our son is now 3 years old so I am gonna try to be a good mommy to him..one thing I do know is I made him happy he finally gotr a son he always wanted..but sadly will never see him grow up like the girls..we found out about 2 years ago our son also has a heart condition and will have surgery for that,,but I know his daddy will be watchin over him..but please know we are all here for you thiers some great people on here that are so sweet and caring..Cindisue Mark,trish and Renee and my angels..and I love them all dearly ..I am not the best person to help anyone I am a mess they have helped me so much..but I pray for you hun that you will recover from this aweful scene..my heart really go's out to you to lose your husband at such a young age..it sure is'nt fair..bless you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through girlfriend!!!!! I hope the doctors can pin down what's going on with your back!!! You have been to hell and back and I worry about you so much...we all love you here CindySue...I wish I could go get Roger...not to mention GARY but for some reason we HAVE to go through this...none of us here wanted this and we walk a fine line with our will but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't give up on yourself. You are such a wonderful..caring..human being and there is much more left that you need to do here CindySue...please take very good care of yourself and whatever the doctors need you to do stick to it. The world is a better place because you're in it....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, just take care of precious YOU, hon. Do what you must for your health. If you need names of very good neurosurgeons, or other specialists, please ask. I have a list at the office. I still get to the counseling center sometimes, and this gives me access to the rolodex. If you need help, please ask. I would gladly cook you some chicken soup (that's made with buffalo, right? had to make you smile). Get some rest, girl. Don't worry about Byron. He's going to be okay with big sister. You just do what you gotta do. I'm praying for you, kiddo. luv ya both, with lotsa (gentle) hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, not much peace this week, kiddo. We tried to hire an aide privately, and the powers that be red taped us to death. They won't let her stay in hospital past tomorrow, nursing home refuses to take her, and managers may or may not place aides in home so I can have any sleep at all. I guess the only way to do this is to play hardball. I've already called my attorney, hon. We're filing. I'll let you know what happens at the bottom of the ninth. Keep prayin' for us, please. As for you, I hope you're doing okay, even though I know your sweet heart is broken and hurting. I'm sorry. You're a dear friend, and I would give such a price to give Gary back to you - if only. Take gentle care of yourself, and do something to spoil CindiSue. Go ahead. Even that coffee at Starbucks. Just do a little something to put a smile on your pretty face. I'll see you here tomorrow, and we'll chat about more. luvz&hugz, me

[withani]

Mark....awwwwwww...I'm so sorry to hear how your week has been going. It seems that everytime you are two steps forward with progress it sends you three steps backwards with d*** redtape. Have no doubt that I will continually pray for you and Mary and hope you have even just a moment's peace with all this overhead... What will your attorney be filing? You keep chugging along Mark and I know it's taking it's toll on you AND Mary!!! Your if only made me smile...how I would love to see that big guy of mine with his big brown eyes...dimples in his cheeks...and smile that would melt my heart. I thank God I had 11 years with him...I keep running over that if only I'd known there were things I would do different...call in sick to work like he always begged me to do!!! Please take care of yourself Mark...we all love you here...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Smiles are good, CindiSue, very good. Now, how about some good news for a change, pretty girl? Oh, you'll love this! At the last possible second, your prayers were answered. My sweetie found four aides, with amazing credentials, to work the 82 hours required for her to stay home. Sooooooooooo, hon, she's coming home! By Friday dinner, she'll be eating my lousy cooking. This has been worked out so I only have to care for her six hours a day. And, this is seven days a week! Last minute prayers were answered. Along with this, the same aides will be taking care of me too, seven days a week.

ALthough you can't be with Gary just yet, try to imagine yourself with him on a beach in Hawaii, soaking up the sun. If you can, use your imagination to carry you both to a happy place. You'll feel better, and maybe detach from the sadness and pain of losing the man you love. Either way, girl, a little daydream can take you out of the madness, sadness and helter skelter, and place you on the beach. Hmmmmm, that's an easy decision, eh? <hugs>

Thank you for enduring my boo hooing all week, my very precious friend. You have again done so much to hold my heart together, and helping us through another adventure in the never ending saga. Thanks, girl. luv ya, hugs, Me

[withani]

Mark....that is WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!! I am so happy to see that Mary will be coming home and how the four aids are going to be able to help Mary AND you!!! It reminds me of a book I just read entitled "He Still Moves Stones"...another reminder of the prescense of God...

I like your idea of picturing Gary and I on a beach somewhere...I had a dream about a week ago that in my dream Gary was standing in my front yard just looking at the house. In the dream I kept looking out the blinds and then closing them and looking out again not believing he was actually here!!! He wasn't smiling...there really wasn't any expression...just him standing tall and handsome wearing his favorite black leather jacket

I'm off on vacation today and yesterday and did something positive for my self Mark...I took the college entrance test to begin my Occupational Therapy Assistant classes...I scores a 92 on the reading portion and a 89 on the writing section...I won't disclose the Alegebra score - needless to say I'll have to take Alegebra. I was pretty pleased considering I haven't been in school for thirty years other than the 6 months when I received my real estate license!!!

Again...I'm very happy that you've had some GOOD NEWS on your emotional rollercoaster...always thinking about you guys and hoping you two can enjoy just being love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Hey lady, that's great news. Do you know that in our district we can barely find and hire OTs. Most of them go into the clinical setting and I don't know why. Our OT has about 20 kids on her caseload, stays at one great site all day, only works 205 days a year, is off when her kids get home and weekends, AND starts at about 80 grand a year. All the OT schools in California are full time day schools and you can't work during the time you're attending. My district wanted me to go but I said, "And how do I pay the bills during that time"? You go go go girl, if you ever want a job in California, we'll hire you on a heartbeat. Renee

[aprilsmom]

Dear Mark, How was that evening meal? Hope you and Mary are getting a few snuggles in. I can't wait until next month and our NYC trip with the gals. If you are near the city on Sept. 21st-23rd we'll have to have coffee at that music store you like; I'll even buy if you let me---although, why would ANY of us here think that......we all know how chivalrous you are Mark. That's a compliment by the way. Hope everyone is well, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, black leather. hmmmm. A guy just looks good in black leather. Class. I'm sooooooooo proud of your college accomlishments, kiddo! Awwww, so I have to tutor you on algebra (a + b = the square in the green suit - and you thought I was going to be normal? hehehe). Last night was great! We did sit for that chicken dinner, which felt awesome. Go enjoy your holiday, girl. I'll tell you all about the good stuff when you get home. luv ya, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, oooooo, coffee. Last night, we oriented our new third shift aide, and I crashed. Not a peep til I woke up to the smell of coffee, and the good stuff that has to be ground fresh! This kid's gonna spoil me. By next week, I'll be a totally spoiled rotten brat. She did a good job, and saved my sweetie from a few nasty events, like two falls, and rescued her from one passing out situation. They're learning what this is like too, so have to learn what to watch for, like the little things about passing out, falling and seizures. This is going to be a blessing beyond words. Now that I'm adjusting to all this, maybe I'll have them keep a log of the things they for her safety . . . just to keep track. Now, about that coffee girl. What would posses you to think I'd ever let a lady pay for mine? My parakeet says cheap, but I don't. hehehe. Now, do you really think you're going to get me to play music for you? Awwwww, just for you. . . . . maybe a definite yes. I'm praying for ya, kiddo. I know what your heart feels. This ain't easy by any stretch. He's got His angels watchin' over ya. Rest. luv ya, hugz, me

[withani]

Renee...thanks so much for the words of encouragement with the OT program...it's something I've wanted to do for a long while...since my 27 year old son was in kindergarten and in an OT program. Now that I've been working with special needs children on the teaching end I feel like I need to pursue this. I'm hoping to get by with the basics at night but when it comes to day classes during the clinicals I'll have to get a night job somewhere. I'll know more after I speak with my advisor in a week or two...the first quarter starts September 5th but I may have to wait to start in November since I definitely am going to need financial aid....I'll keep that in mind about California

I just a read a wonderful book entitled "We're Their Heaven"...it's written by the person who has the show "Medium" on television...highly recommended!!!!

I hope you have a peaceful weekend friend and again...thanks! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

I

[withani]

Mark...sounds like you're leading the life of Raeligh...lol...I'm so happy that you FINALLY have the help you needed all along!!! Your aides sound wonderful and I'm sure they know they are working for a very special couple...I hope YOU can do something fun for yourself this weekend and are able to spend a few loving moments with your sweetie...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, if only I could tell you how good it is to slither into my studio when I have an idea, lay it down on media, and not worry about who's watching mamma. Just being able to work is a great thing. Being able to pay the bills (eeeewwww), go shopping, and spend time with a friend seems like all these things were a lifetime ago. Our third shift girl has the easiest job in her life. She has two kids, so she sends them to school days while she sleeps, then gets to be with them in the evening, and while grandma spends the night with them, she's working. She's happy here. I don't just want to give a kid a job, but make someone's life a little better too (you know me, I care about everyone).

Monday afternoon is my doctor appointment, so I get to find out if all this attention is helping my heart. It's already easing up my headaches and chest pain, so I think my blood pressure should be much lower by now. I'll let ya know. One of the best things is being able to keep better track of the seizures and other health issues, such as when she tries to clean the kitchen or cook when she's unconscious. The aides all have instructions to wake me for these things if they can't make her behave. hehehe. It's like having a runaway two year old on crack. A big two year old.

Drive safe this week, kiddo. Have fun with all your little ones. Hopefully we'll get to hear from Cindy soon. I'm worried about her with all that pain, the poor kid. Maybe I'll email her later on. Catch ya later. hugz&luvz, Me

[withani]

Mark....I can't express enough how happy I am for you and Mary that you are now able to have a bit of freedom that allows you time to enjoy the simple things in life such as going to the studio...paying bills and shopping. You've come a long way baby !!!!! I'm glad your third shift caregiver is pleased with her assignment...doesn't surprise me that she loves it there...such a positive environment and I think it's really cool that it makes you happy to improve her life..that's awesome!

How did your doctor appointment go??? I'm sure your blood pressure was down and that you passed your physical with flying colors!!!

I'm worried about CindySue too...hopefully she'll pop in here before long...the message she sent previously with the concern of the fellow she started seeing worried me...we're all at such a vulnerable time in our lives I don't want anyone to be manipulative of any of us!!!!

Thanks for the good news Mark...love and hugs...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I've tried to write, but my puter died. I hope this works. Things are going okay for us, even though we're still having to deal with it all. I'm taking more pills for my heart, trying to keep it under control. They make me tired. Mama had a spell where the dystrophy started messing with her lungs a little, but not too bad. It's under control. The aides are doing well here. I'm thankful we have them. Sorry I was out of touch, kiddo. I hate having technological glitches. Where did I put that sledge hammer? Talk soon. hugs, luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi CindiSue, I've been a little out of it, sleeping as much as I can, so I was unable to get here again. I'm feeling a ton of depression. In a few days, I'm planning a trip back home to see my friends. I go a long way back with these guys, when we all met in college in the late 70s. I need to see them. Are you doing well? I think of you often, my dear friend, and always pray for you. I hope you're well, not just physically, but in mind and soul. This is a long and tiring journey. For you, the journey is under way in a set way, but for me, I don't yet know how it shall turn and twist. I know that eventually I'll be without her, and I dread that day. Sometimes, it feels like it would be easier to have it over with, but I can't stand the feelings, no matter how I feel. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I want her healthy. I'm sorry to be boo hooing. Please forgive me. Take gentle care of yourself, kiddo. I always appreciate all you do here, all you say, and the way you always care for everyone. You're one of a kind. luvz, me

[withani]

Hello Mark! I'm sorry you're feeling so down this weekend...sounds like a trip with old friends could be just what the doctor ordered. The task of caring for your dear wife who will never be well again is a hard pill to swallow...your journey does have many twists and turns...the grief before hopefully prepares you for the grief after but can anything prepare us??? Eight months before Gary passed when we were away on vacation he whispered in my ear while I was sleeping..."I must prepare you for my death"...I didn't know what he was talking about then...his health was failing his last year and I told him nothing could prepare me for his death. Mark..I couldn't even talk about it with Gary. He was always a very dramatic kinda guy and I thought this was just him trying to get to me. I never suspected that he would suddenly leave. You're in a very difficult..unique..position.

I recently read the book Wherever You Go There You Are...highly recommended reading. It speaks of how are lives are basically in mindless autopilot and how we should be mindful in each moment...it also describes the many ways to meditate each day. It's been helpful to me..instead of going with the flow in a panic attack to start listening to my breathing and forcing myself to be present in the here and now..

I miss Gary terribly...that's something which will always be with me. In the meantime..I'm working on being present. Any relief you can find..whether it be with friends...playing music..or just being...go for it friend!!! Always thinking and praying for you too...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[rodless]

Mark, My heart ached when you said somedays you think it would be easier to have it over with. I sometimes thought that also as we were going through the final weeks of Rod's life. There were just too many emotions that hit all at once during those days and I was so tired physically and mentally and dreading the end as I had been told he would basically suffocate to death. I didn't want him to continue suffering but I didn't want to be without him either. It is a hard, hard thing to deal with and I have thought of you often after reading your posts. You seem so brave and do so much to comfort others. I wish there was something we could all do to help you. Take care. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'll try to find that book tomorrow. Have you noticed the timing we all seem to have here? Last night, she had a bad spell, wandering unconscious, talking to someone ???, acting like she'd ODd. I keep all our meds locked, so I know this wasn't the case. Then she began acting much differently, like her resignation to the dystrophy had become final. What little fight she had is gone. And more, she sleeps more (if you can imagine this), and there's a "feel" like we're strangers or something similar. She's been saying for a while that she can't go on, and last Christmas, she stated it was her last. I hope it was only a moment of depression, not forseeing the future. Yes, girl, we can tell when the time is coming. When I was ill a few years ago, just before I went into a coma, I saw what I think was an angel, who told me I'd get through it. I was told in what condition, but I want to thank that angel someday. I appreciate seeing my little grandson, watching my kids as adults, some of these things I would have missed. Get some rest, take care of yourself, and I think I'll join you in meditating. I meditate a little differently, more cognatively while reading Scripture. Sometimes, it ends up with a nap, but God understands. Hey! I'm not a kid anymore. hehehe. luv ya, my friend, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary Jo, if what I said upset you in any way, please forgive me. I would never intentionally upset anyone. Thank you for what you said, especially about emotions. We've seen many lately, flooding us in all directions. It's been a long journey, now into sixth year. When she was in labor, she only took a single Tylenol. I've seen her in such pain that she rips furniture apart now. Such a change. If she has to leave, I'm not going to hold her back. I want her to have peace and freedom from the pain. I'll get by, and I'll do my best with my kids. Rest. I pray your mind and soul are given peace. Peace is a dear and priceless thing. Thanks for writing. Mark

[rodless]

Mark, I should have said my heart ached for YOU.. I wasn't upset, I just felt bad that another person was going through what I did. I had almost 5 years of watching my loved one go downhill. Each situation is different, but the feelings seem so similar. I wanted what was best for Rod - to be free of the effort of breathing. The last 6 weeks of his life he was on 15 liters of oxygen adn still could not roll over or sit up straight in bed. I knew the best thing for him was to go as it will be for your Mary.... but it is so devastating for those of us left behind when they do. I find a little more peace as each week goes by, but some days the way ahead to acceptance or surrender as someone put it seems really really long. Talking with others on the journey and further along the road is essential to me so that I can keep going. This board is so very good and I appreciate all that has been posted. Thanks for yours! Mary Jo

[withani]

Mark...I've been reading much about meditation but haven't officially started it yet...I kinda think I've unconsciously have done it before and it's my understanding that it's basically just being...not hurrying around to do this or that and not expecting anything profound but other than being. So if you fall asleep...you are being...lol!!!

I'm guilty as well of the last several months of Gary's life feeling like if he needs to go just make it quick...and it was quick. He tried to talk about it but I wasn't strong enough to discuss it...everytime he brought it up I'd tell him there's nothing wrong with any of your major organs and I'd either dismiss it...or make a joke out of it..shame on me!!! I only hope he can see it in his heart to forgive me for not wanting to discuss the inevitable..

Your six year journey I know wears on both you and Mary...and I know you're only thinking of her by wanting her to have some some peace and be without pain...it's a very selfless act Mark...

Please take care my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Wow Withani- I came across something I KNOW was for you. Type into your browser- Virayoga - the studio in NYC will come up (I found it because I am taking a trip there and wanted to do some yoga). Click on the first link and the ad for the studio tells you to touch any part of the design to enter.There is ONE page from the owners talking about breathing; that it is the childhood of our emotions. It talks about breathing into the spaces of your heart.....all I can say is I found it enlightening. Meditation is healing and you are on the right track. Like Mark, I do mine a little differently, including prayer, but I am going to put some of their practices into use when I pray each morning. I hope you'll read it and enjoy it as much as I did. R-

[withani]

Renee....I DEFINITELY will read it...thanks so much for thinking of me. I think I've always meditated in my own way...especially in the past year and a half but am open to the just being. Not rushing to get anywhere. Thanks again friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you had me in tears. Don't feel badly, or apologize, please. Tears are good sometimes. This gets to be painful at times. It's not the dystrophy that kills, but the other things that the dystrophy can bring up as secondary medical conditions, like strokes. Now she struggles to breathe, to see, to swallow, even use the bathroom. I read the info today about the terminal nature of this. I need to know. If it's wrong for me to say, I'm sorry, but I feel better knowing the truth, finally. I didn't locate the book today, but in my own fumbling way, I've added a more introspective meditation to my schedule. It feels good to see a traffic light as meaningful. Please give yourself time for CindiSue, time for something special, time for your healing. A hug for a friend, from Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, guess what, kiddo. 54th and B'way, STARBUCKS! Near that place you're gonna yoga. There's also one down on 45th and B'way, just below studio row. I know that one a bit more(wonder how?). If you girls wanna have fun, just walk up Broadway and look at the different Buck's along the way. There's a lot of beautiful architecture in the buildings. NYC is like that. In meditation, is it for our mind, our soul, our spirit, our holistic self? It's connecting purpose, place, space, spirit. Have a good nite my sister. luv ya, hugz, Me

[aprilsmom]

Gosh Mark, I really loved how you put that (about meditation, not the yoga). Thank you thank you, 54th and 45th- my friends will not be able to catch up with me:)

Take Care Everyone! I'm praying for each of you, it so helps me not to dwell so much on my own loss; just can't go there much these days.

Love, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, one vital thing, rollerblades. hehehe I have so many things pulling dear old dad's heart in so many ways, I may need a vacation. Just my life as dad. I know you can't go to that place much now, but this is the beauty of it. We go at our own pace. Remember that. I discovered something new. My wife has been talking with our first daughter, Christiana, during the episodes caused by the illness. This is so cool! We both miss her so very much. Well, before I start the waterworks again, have a great night, and happy Thursday. luv, Me

[aprilsmom]

Mark- are you Italian too? I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. You know how everyone hates that phrase "getting over it"? Who REALLY WANTS to get over our own kids- NOT ONE OF US HERE. Just think, Christiana and Mary will be able to bask in the light of each other's heavenly beauty. I for one am kind of jealous. Take Care and hope you are well everyone, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, my dear friend, I'm Native American. Oh, like you, I have that same heart issue. I refuse to "get over it", and those who think I should just get over Jenni can just get over it, cuz I ain't gettin' over it. Um, did that make a half a shred of sense? You gotta hear the chit chats my girls are having. She chatters on with Christi all night, like our baby has been here all along. We wanted Christiana Rae so much. We could see mommy's eyes in her, and even the dimple I have in my chin. She was just plain beautiful. My tears are pouring down my face typing this. We have eleven little sweethearts waiting for mommy. I told her yesterday, "If it gets to be too much here, it's okay if you want to go home with Christiana. She needs her mommy too". Go ahead hon, be jealous. Heaven is soooooo beautiful. Do you trust my word on this? I've seen a little of something up there, and it's awesome!!!!! Take care and spoil my friend and sister, Renee. luv ya, hugs, Me

[aprilsmom]

Thank you Mark for making me laugh when I came on wanting to pound dirt! You made the best "Sense" I've heard since this thing began. Oh, we are staying at 51st and Broadway- right in the thick of things eh? Hug Mary for all of us here, she has become like a sister to all of us- we'll recognize her when we get there. Take Care, renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I've been a little out of sorts, but only cuz I'm too tired to think. I downed two cups of coffee last night, and it only put me to sleep. Yawn! We're running the house about even keel. As the aides come and go, we go along for the ride. And why not? It's better emotionally. I'm going to go back to beddiebye. Yes, it's ten am. Talk with ya soon, kiddo. luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, luv ya girl. Take care of you, and forget the rest. You'll find this thing has its ups and downs, mostly downs. I went through a spell last year where I was sure I could do nothing to help anyone. This is deep grieving. My friends helped me through it so well. We're here for you, hon. I'm going to stay in close touch, so please do the same. Call me when you need. luv ya, ((((hugz)))), me

[withani]

Dear Mark...Renee...CindySue...Trish...and everyone else on this site...I'm praying we all have a peaceful labor day weekend. In Cincinnati area it's very dreary...almost like fall already...gray and only high 60's. I'm running around with a lot of friends over the weekend...plus my son's bands here practicing so it's going to be busy. I didn't want the weekend to past without saying God Bless...I love you all!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it's so good to hear from you. The boys have been with the band for a long time. I like to see teenagers playing in a band - so many fun memories. Oh, we're not much better on weather here. It's gloomy from the hurricane. I do hope with lotsa prayer you enjoy the weekend. Hopefully, you'll get a minute or two with your grandbabies. May God bless you for just being you, someone who cares. luv ya, with big hugs, Me

[jcruzgirl]

Hello Everyone,

Sorry it has been so long. I just have NOT felt that I can add anything for I am in a rut lately... I do think of you all and wanted to drop in and let you all know that I love you and am praying for everyone. I too want peace for us all this weekend. Saturday was a really bad night for me. Not only is it the day that James died, it is also getting closer to his one year mark. I can't believe that the time has passed so quickly. I cry to even think of it.

He still drops in from time to time. The other morning I was so nervous for it was Tropical Storm Ernesto baring down on us. I heard James call my name the morning prior to Ernesto and guess what?? It was NOT bad at all. I think that James wanted to assure me that he was right there with me and everything was going to be alright. It was just a little wind and rain, of course it was hours of it, but hey, at least it did NOT get into Hurricane strength!! I thank GOD for that.

Well, I had better get back to bed and try to sleep.

Love and Hugs to you all,

Tricia Ann

PS - I pray that you will all forgive me for not posting lately, I just felt that I had nothing to add... Maybe it is just as Mark said, DEEP GRIEVING!!!!

[withani]

Trish....don't give it a second thought not being on here for awhile...you are always in our thoughts and prayers my dear friend. Although there are many days where there isn't much to say...the connection here runs through the core of me and is therapeutic just to get on and say God Bless. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...I am very fortunate to have an AWESOME son in a band. He has been the best son in the world...very protective and sensitive to dear mom It makes me smile. These guys are very talented and have brought me much joy in recent months. Thank God for these miracles. Hope you and Mary had a restful/peaceful weekend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, we could have a lot of fun arguing over who has the best son in the world, couldn't we? hehehehehe. I'd never argue with you. You're too dear a friend for an argument. I'm thankful your son is so talented, and a very caring son to his mom. You have lots to be proud of. We both do. I'm still here, but very tired. More in a minute.

Trish, grief is what it is, hon. Just be patient with yourself. You have a lot to share and give. You have a sweet personality, and you care so much for each of us. We love you for this, just the way you are. Isn't it great to see James looking for you? He's soooooo in love with his pretty lady.

We've had a long trial over the last few days. It cam to a crash when she ended up in the ER this morning. Her doctor suspected another stroke, but everything like that was ruled out. The disease has been effecting her heart, which causes lots of issues. Fortunately, no heart attack yet. We found a pattern to her episodes! Now we know when to watch for a bad day. This makes her care much easier on everyone - still a lot of hard work, but we'll take any small victory. Since her last bad spell, our daughter Christi, who died before birth, has been visiting her. They look so sweet, just sitting and talking, mom and daughter. I can't see Christi, but she's here. She does like to get into mommy's jewelry. Silly girl. Diamonds aaarrrre a girl's best friend!

Now that we're through the bad week, I hope to have the time to write more, again. I miss you all sooooooooooo much. Take care and get some rest. My prayers are with you dear friends. I love you all, Me PS- anyone hear from CindySue lately? I emailed her, but . . .

[withani]

Mark...I always enjoy reading your lighter side of life giggles...such as arguing about our best sons in the world!!!! Yes...we DO have much to be proud of. Boy would I like to be a fly on the wall to witness Mary's conversations with Christi...how cool is that??!!!

No I haven't heard from CindySue...wish I'd had...I always get worried when it's been awhile as I'm sure you do..that's what friends are for!

I hope you have a peaceful and restful weekend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi CindiSue, A fly on the wall? You'd be the prettiest "fly" a wall ever saw. tee hee. When she starts talking with Christi, we don't even exist. She's in a whole new dimension of reality. It sounds one sided, but they obviously chatter on about everything, having all the "girl talk" they both missed out on. It's beautiful to see her talking mother - daughter stuff with Christi. When I see their visit together, I often start to cry . . . it's so beautiful. I sent CindySue an email, so now I think I'll mail her a card. Luv ya, with hugs, Me