Young Widowhood

[withani]

Mark and Trish...I read over your posts to CindySue and they are so positive and kind. You two are the GREATEST!!!! It's comforting to know we all have a place where we can go to get feedback and support...needed so very much for all of us.

Trish I hope you have a WONDERFUL trip...I had to giggle when I read about your dream of James and then your memory turned...that happens to me ALL THE TIME...I feel like I have had trouble with short term memory since Gary's passing...

Mark please take care of yourself and our precious Mary...I hope you did something fun over the weekend...

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, having such precious friends as Cindy makes it easy to care. I think the world of you ladies on this forum. I feel spoiled by all the compassion and support you all shower upon me. Now, about that advice . . . if it was too much fun, do you really want me telling you about it??? hehehehehe. Have a great 4th, my dear friend. My prayers are always with you. hugsNluvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, wisdom may be gained from anywhere, even a lily. "Consider the lilies", Jesus said. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with Cindy. Hope I turned the heat up enough for you so you feel like home while on holiday. luvz, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, we are always here for you. Guard your heart, girl. This is about a mommy and her beautiful little son. We're here for you. luv ya both, with hugs, Me

[withani]

Mark...CindySue...Trish..Renee...I didn't want this day to pass without wishing all my dear friends here a peaceful 4th of July...days such as this we really missed our holding onto our loved ones and enjoying the fireworks. Please know they are with us in spirit....I love you all very much...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I slightly missed wishing the best of the celebratories to you, my dear friend. For our little home, the day was stressful, trying to get my sweetie ready for the nursing home in the morning. I feel soooooooooooooooo guilty for needing sleep, for needing my own stupid stuff, while it's her who must be placed in a nursing home on "my" behalf. I feel miserable. I'd rather have her home where she belongs, enjoying everything here, like the lilies in the back yard that blossomed for the first time this summer. But, no, today has been my sweetie crying to go live with her step daughter, to die and be with her daughters, anything but the nursing home. What have I done? Can I get her out of this mess? I'm sorry to be whining and crying like this. love you, my friend, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, If you get in here to peek at your mail before you dash off to tend to business in the morning, I hope you get to see this, hon. We're praying, we love you, and we're right there beside you all day (with ice cream cones for Byron and hugs for you). love you both, Me

[withani]

Mark...unfortunately the choices we have to make in life fill us with guilt even when they're the right ones. I'm sorry you and Mary have so much stress today and I'm speechless to find the words to make you feel better. Is it possible for her to live with her stepdaughter??? It's easy to say the words...just live here mom but when it comes right down to it if the daughter CAN take care of Mary I would definitely grant her this wish...good luck my dear friend...I know your health has been in limbo while trying to get the BEST for your sweet wife...listen to your heart....love and hugs...CindiSue/WIthani

[aprilsmom]

There were so many fireworks in the neighborhood that I finally just shut all the windows and turned up the music. Yes, Cindi, so well I remember holding the little ones on my lap until they weren't afraid of the loud pops and started smiling at all the bright splashes across the sky. I remember standing with them and singing the national anthem. I have a picture of April on my desk at work, she was sitting out in my front yard about 3 years ago watching the fireworks with all the neighbors and new little ones doing what I used to do. Somedays I think the memories are going to kill me, it just hurts so darn much. Tonight, my dog kept jumping in my lap, scared of the noise....wow, guess I've come a long way huh? Love all of you and wishing you peace. Praying for your strength Mark. R-

[jcruzgirl]

Hi everyone,

I finally got to get online and check my messages. I am so sorry that I was not able to wish everyone a Happy 4th of July, but I definately had you all in my thoughts and prayers. I did NOT watch any fireworks. I know that it would hurt too much. Besides, Hartford had there's on Saturday night and I didn't land until Sunday afternoon. This was FINE with me. I cry enough without having to do it while watching the fireworks that James and I used to share and enjoy together. Guess that it was his way of letting me find peace in the day. I actually went to an all girls night out. We went to my sister in laws and grilled out. It was a lot of fun and she has a pool, so it was great.

Yes Mark, thank you for turning the heat up. I didn't know that people don't have central air up here... I am used to coming through my door and into the air, spoiled, I know. But it really isn't so bad. Tonight it is actually cool. Fine with me, I always sleep better in a cool bed.

I went to pick out James headstone today. Boy, it hit me at that point. I am sure that the kind woman that was helping us understands, but as she was putting his name on the marker, I just got all choked up. I was fine until that point. Of course seeing me tearing up started Mami (James mom) tearing up so we were a blubbering mess. Thank God that Lisa was with me. She has been a good friend and support ever since James passed. Any way, the papers are all written up and now all I have to do is to come up with 1/2 of the total amount for deposit and than it can get started. It should not take me that long, as it the total was $1,000.00, so it is NOT too bad. I just want it on before his 1 year mark. At that point, I will know that it is all set and ready to go... I miss him and love him so much. I know that he feels the same.

Mark, I so sorry, but I just won't be able to make it down. I have been so busy all week long. I can't believe that it is already Wednesday. This week is flying by. I will be back on 8/16/06 for James sisters wedding. I can't wait for that.

Well, I love you all and am thinking about you. I will try to get back on here before I leave, but if i am unable to, everyone have a good week and weekend.

Much love and peace to you all,

Tricia

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, thanks thinking in such a way. My daughter has to carry her own cross, so caring for my wife would do her no great favors, as much as we'd love to let both my girls be together. They love each other so much, but love isn't the only issue here. Being physically able to care for each other is vital, especially as it pertains to the care of my wife. Now, for the good news. We have a care management meeting next week, so we'll be able to bang out these ideas on each others' heads. Yeesh! I'm beginning to sound like an electronic drummer. hehehe. I'm praying for you, CindiSue. You're such a dear and caring friend, I'm only too happy to help you all I can. May God bless you always. luvz, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I emailed ya, kiddo, but I gotta say, you have a lot going on with all these things too, so please, take gentle and sweet care of yourself. A grand shouldn't take too long to scarf up. Just take it one little ol' day at a time, kiddo. I'm glad the lady at the shop was emotionally understanding about these things. Now, I completely understand about you having to get back to Dixie. Please spend all the time you can with James. Hope you really - - - really get to enjoy the wedding. They're soooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful, and you need such a day for the charms and pretties (you're very beautiful, so have a great time, girl). Keep in touch, and be safe. luv ya, me

[withani]

Mark...thank you so much for the prayers...God only knows how much I STILL NEED THEM!!!! I totally understand the physical caring of Mary...and I pray God gives you the strength you need making these extremely emotional decisions. You are a gem...we love you here Mark...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thanks. You are a real friend. love you, Me

[aprilsmom]

Mark, did Mary go to the nursing facility or are you still exploring other options. Praying for EVERYONE here, Renee

PS I'v gotten so tied up in some other people's problems that I'm doing okay right now. I want you all to know I got the courage to go to Bobby's new house and talk to him for a minute, just hugged him and told him I love him and he expressed the same with me. Didn't cry until I got in the car and drove away and then it hurt like h... No wonder he can't be with us-we are the other links to April and it just hurts too much. I'v prayed to be forgiving and more understanding......be careful what we pray for huh:) My love to you all, Renee

[cindysue]

Everyone am so sorry have'nt go to you sooner..been so busy then am so sick with a bad cold well I went to court..and I have 90 days in jail and 500 dollar stayin sentence that mean I can't have nothing like this or anything happen with in 2 year period or I will be sent to jail plus Byron will be in a foster care till I get out..plus the 500 dollar fine..right now its saty I have to attend parenting classes..man this makes me feel like the worst mommy.. and here I try so hard and I would never ever put Baby Byron in danger but the judge yelled at me so loud and made me feel lousy ..the bad part it was in front of maybe 50 people or more going in just for traffic violations or somethin simple when he was done sentecing me all eyes were on me when I left..and the next day it was even in the paper my sentence..I am sure Roger's family seen it.. I feel so depressed now in thier mind I am probably lookin pretty bad.. and I don't wanna feel bad..I feel bad enough..the juge yelled at me cause he said I had no business sleepin when he was up I had no idea he was up cause when he woke me up he was home and that was a little after 7am..here he went out just before that..oh well I guess I am not lookin good as a parent right now but I love baby Byron and would never do this I feel so sick over everything..Byron depends on me and I feel like I failed him..my 4th was just crappy..I did'nt wanna do nothing..July the 11th would be Roger birthday he would be 48 if he lived..that day will be so rough..plus on Aug the 1st will be 2 years Roger passed away...I keep thinkin of them dates approaching and feelin so upset already..I thought I would be ok but I guess when things happen all of a sudden it takes awhile I know if Roger was alive he would be disapointed in me for what almost happened to Byron..and that makes me feel bad..I failed everyone..specially Byron.. I am so sorry Cindisue,Mark Trish and all of you I have'nt written sooner have'nt been online hardly at all..Byron is gettin to be such a handful specially with all his handicaps..alot of work and attention ..butI love payin attention to him he is my angel..I feel so bad I have'nt written all of you sooner I worry about all of you so much and wanna be here for you like you are for me...well I need to go Byron is gettin into the cookies..and tryin to feed the cat cookies..lol..well I love you all so very much..bless you all..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[withani]

Renee....it's funny/strange how other people's problems can just swallow us up isn't it??? I have to watch myself so I'm not OVERLY involved with my children's lives now that they are adults. I still find myself trying to control situations when it's best to let them make their own choices. I've always thought of myself as a laid back type of personality but in some ways I KNOW I can be controlling and have to tell myself to back off...lol!

I think Bobby is very fortunate to have a mother in law who cares so much it hurts too much!!! At least he feels and is working toward steps to live with this pain. Having been someone who has lost a partner believe me trying to shake the thought of suicide is something we all struggle with and have to keep reminding ourselves of all the positives and why we're here.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...I am so sad that you have the 90 days and $500 fine. I can't help but think maybe this is all happening for a reason...a distraction to force you into putting one foot in front of the other and make the best life you can for yourself and baby Bryon. Don't worry about not being online to speak with us here...we're here thinking and praying for you girlfriend. Keep reminding yourself if God brings you to it he'll bring you through it and you will be stronger than you ever imagined. Don't worry about what other people might think or say...you know in your heart your love of Bryon...his disabilities just make him that much more special. We love you girlfriend....CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Dear Cindysue- i completely agree with Cindi as for there being a reason for everything. Didn't you have ANY defense though; like the doctor that prescribes your meds that DO tend to make you SLEEP????? Forget about what everyone else says, AND, you have a special needs kid that most foster homes are leary of taking; why wasn't the opportunity given to Roger's and your family first? I see a perfect opportunity for an intern lawyer to do some pro bono work here. I'm sorry, maybe California is just flat out easier on people than where you are. Be strong and ask whereever you are going if they have a chaplain that can visit you each day......your circumstances are different than most kiddo!

[aprilsmom]

Hi Cindi- i was wondering if you are still seeing the guy friend and how it is going with him. Hey, you can't be as big a control freak as I have always been with my kids:) Have a good weekend

PS You are right, if this girl kept Bobby from taking his life (which I see would be a prominent thought in a bereaved spouse's mind) then i am actually THANKFUL FOR HER....wow, never thought I'd say that!!!! Especially since Bobby needs to find salvation before he leaves this earth - Apes had already done that so I know where she is!

Take care, Renee

[withani]

Hi Renee! No I decided not to see the guy friend anymore...it's really difficult to become involved with someone when you and your significant other were soooooo close....I tend to pick them all apart. In this case...although the guy was very nice...he's a man's man (if you know what I mean) always needs to be with "the guys" several times a week and with my and Gary's relationship it was all about me. I know I shouldn't compare men and I really try not to...I'm greatful for the guy friend keeping me busy by making me run here and there with him...he just wasn't for me so I told him I wasn't interested in him and that's okay. Believe me...when your spouse or SO passes all you want to do is to be with them again...it's constantly running through your mind so if the woman he has as a companion for now is of some solace...it's a good thing. He's young and hopefully believes in a higher power of some sort...again..he is very lucky to have a mother in law who cares this much...I hope he doesn't shut you out...I feel it's very important to continue those relationships...I call Gary's son every now and then and we actually sat together for the first time and talked for three hours in May. We spoke again last week over the phone and are planning another outing...it means so much!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, you will get through this, I promise. Be true to yourself, to your priorities, and this will come together. Byron is the most important part of your life, kiddo. If you need help, we're here. Love ya both, with hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I appreciate your friendship and kindness and wisdom. Through everything my precious wife and I have gone through lately, we both thank you for the sound advice, the friendship, for just being here. You're going through a lot, too much, and we always keep you in our prayers. We're happy you and Gary's son are able to talk and spend time together. You are held together by a beautiful cord, made of love in Gary's heart, so I'm sure you both feel a sense of closeness by this. I sorta found this to be true in my own life, growing so very close to Jenni's half sister Allison. She's a dear young lady, and I'm fortunate to know her, and I even feel a little pride in her for all her accomplishments. Family is a beautiful thing. Take care of you, and I hope you have a pleasant and fun week. luvzNhugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, you are gaining a lot of emotional strength, to be able to talk with Bobby. You may not now or ever approve of his attachment with another woman, but this is Bobby's heart. I'm sure he feels pain when he's with your family . . . after all, your girls look so much alike, beautiful as their mom. I don't know how I'd deal with this if it were my daughter and son in law, so I fail miserably to offer you any advice. I'm just a dad, trying to do the best I can for the children I have still living. Now go do something to spoil yourself, okay. I'm praying for you sister. luvz, Me

[withani]

Mark...how do you do it??? You always know the perfect thing to say You're right...family is a beautiful thing and it makes me happy that Gary's son Zachary feels close enough to me that he keeps my number in his cell phone under Gary's nickname for me (CindiSue)....although it's my name everyone else in my life has always called me simply Cindi.

I'm also happy to help in anyway I can as a sounding board for you and Mary...I have broad shoulders (not really..lol) but it helps me to know I help the two of you...you're always in my thoughts and prayers..your friendship is priceless.

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Andrew

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi kids, it's been a long week so far, with little chance to visit. My sweetie and I have to make a slight change in plans. The care management staff are trying to get a permanent placement for her in the nursing home we both like. No more good news of bringing her home every night; she'll be there for teh duration of this wretched illness. Until a bed is available, she does the day treatment, but this changes as soon as a room is available. I'm here for you all, and love you and thank you for all the prayers and support. me

[cindysue]

Hey Everyone, I wanted to inform everyone that I am ok..the jail sentence and the 500 dollare fine is saved meaning I don't have to serve jail time unless it happens again and Byron gets out..right now I am on like probation for 2 years and get this my very first time of ever being in trouble..no way would I ever let my little baby Byron get out without really watchin him..I would never let a 3 year old out on his own..just so happens he decided while I was sleepin he would go out and play now I have dead bolts on my door and no way he can open them..I am still sick what could have happened to him according to the judge he was almost hit by several cars..I thankk God everyday that someonme was watchin over him and guiding him home..and I do belive in my heart it was Roger..cause thier is no way Byron could have gotten home on his own even the police can't figure out how he knew where to go..to get back home..no one will ever know but I believe it was his daddy I just got this strong feelin thelast few days in the morning again I been hearing Byron talkin in his room sayin hi daddy I wuv you too and he will giggle and when I go into the room once again Byron will be pointing and go daddy go tickle my feet..it happened again this morning then when I looked the picture that was hanging up of Roger that was in his room fell..could that be a sign Roger was tellin me he was thier??? what do you all think..no way Byron could be just sayin this..its been happening more now since of him gettin out of the house like I feel Roger is watchin him till I get up then he leaves..and everytime I enter the room I feel someone is in the room..cause I can feel someone touch my shoulder and when I loom I see nothing..I just am getting this great sensation Roger is with us more and more and itsmakin me so happy...Right now I am very sick went tot he doc's and I habe broncitis and he says I have got phomonia also so he went to recheck my xrays again in a few days to see if the antibotics work if not I gotta be in the hosp a few days I can barely breathe my chest hurts so bad the coughin is the worst..he gave me some stong cough medicine also that will help me with the cough so maybe I will get more then the 3 hours of sleep I been gettin..gotta be healthy for Byron but I am so wore out...lost so much weight that the doc says I gotta drink this nasty stuff to gain a little but who can eat when thier sick but I got to for Byron plus depression made me lose alot of weight ..but lately I been doing better least in that catagory..I still my Roger the 11th of July would have been his birthday he would have been 48..he was 46 when he died and Aug the 1st will be 2 years since he passed away..still hard to believe the love of my life is actually gone forever..but to all of you I think of you everyday and hope your all doing ok..Cindisue hows the new grandbaby?? bet he is a little doll baby..so precious..and Mark I read your post so sorry your going through so much with Mary I hope her pain is manageable I know all this is so hard for you but your so strong and so loving to her she is a lucky to have such a caring loving husband but that does'nt surprise me about you..I just wish I could ease all your pain and hers...she is certainly in my prayers and you are always...and Trish I miss talkin to you...I am sorry I have not written to you lately I just have been sick and going through so much the last month..or so..and thanks Renee for always thinkin of me..I love all of you so much...have a good weekend

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[withani]

CindySue...That is VERY GOOD NEWS GIRLFRIEND I'm relieved to hear the time and fine is "saved"...I hated the thought of you having to do any time. I have no doubt that Roger was guiding Bryon back home to safety and also that his prescence is felt throughout your home...he loves you both so much!!!

The new grandbaby Jontae is doing well...we had a bit of a scare with his health..he was losing weight at home but he's back to gaining now. I've been spending a lot of time with my soulmate Peanut

I hope you have a peaceful weekend...the sun is FINALLY shining here...it's been four days since it's been out!!!

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone. I am a widow as of September 17th 2005. He was only 27 and our birthdays are 3 days apart. I finally got up the nerve to send for the coroners report and they are listing his death as natural causes. Some problems listed are enlarged heart and pulmonary edema. Really, I can't think about all of that too much right now. We have a daughter together that turned 2 on June 30th. I have only been to his grave once since the funeral.

I have read through lots of the posts and it is very comforting to see that people are/have experienced some of what I am going through.

I had a hard time after my pregnancy and felt down and out for quite some time, then shortly after Hurricane Katrina stormed through Louisiana and then my husbands death. It's been really really rough.

It's been almost a year now and I've been through some really strange phases, which is to be expected, but I just feel like rather than getting better, I'm getting worse.

I just want to say that finding this place couldn't have come at a better time.

[cindysue]

Guest) I am so sorry to hear of your husband death he was so young..wow thats alot to go through I know how you feel my husband died of a massive heart attack Aug the 1st 2004..and we have 2 daughters that are grown but we also have a 3 year old son..he also has a heart condition..and I know how hard this muts be for you..I have only been to Roger's grave maybe 5 times and its been almsot 2 years..just seein his name down on stone makes it too real..I know how you feel dear it is so hard thiers times I think I am gettin better then when I look at our son I see Roger cause they look exactly alike...he was our miracle baby we thought we were done when we had our girls..cause our daughters are 28 and 22 so we never thought of another baby then when we had him we were so happy..I guess he left me one last precious gift before he had to go...but our son has to have surgery soon for his heart but I know his daddy will be watchin over him..so I am sorry you have to go through thjis sounds like you have been through alot ..already..your daughter will always have a part of him and I know he will be watchin over her and you..thier is some wonderful people that I have meant through here they have helped me so much..no one knows what you are going through but us..and we are all here for you..you will get better just takes time..I know it does'nt seem possible..I been married for 28 years to Roger and its still hard to know he is gone forever..but I know I have to be strong for our son now he depends on me..so hang in thier we are all here to hep you if we can..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Guest...I am so sorry to hear of your loss..."natural causes" at the age of 27 is such a difficult thing to understand. I lost my significant other of 11 years to "natural causes"...he just turned 50...January 3, 2005. It still runs through my mind over and over how can you die of "natural causes" at the age of 50???? Gary passed from acute myocarditis...an inflammation of the heart. Gary was cremated so there is no grave site to go to...what complicates it further is his son has his ashes (as he should)...so this is very painful.

As you are discovering there are many stages of grief...it seems as soon as you get two steps forward you are going three steps backward and it just hits like a ton of bricks.

There are many very nice caring individuals on this site...I know for me it's been a God send.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Guest, I'm sorry you have lost your husband. Reading a report can be upsetting, but also something that gives peace. You understand and then internalize what happened, so you can begin to make sense of it all. It doesn't make it much easier, but it does give you the benefit of emotional reason. We're here for you, to listen and offer help as much as we can. Please write again. The road is long and difficult, but we get to the end of the journey by each other's help. May you have what you need for today. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, these things will work out for you, girl. Have you ever seen a NYC door? Those apartments have like a dozen locks on the door. You don't need to get that obsessive. Byron won't escape as long as he can't reach the lock. You're a loving and beautiful mommy. Take care of yourself, okay. You need to be as healthy as possible, not just for Byron and your girls, but for you too. Thanks for the kindness. We're getting through our little situation. The nursing home has been a blessing. The best part is I'm able to catch up on all the lost sleep, which feels good. The next step is coming up all too soon, but this little stepping stone is getting us ready for it. When the time comes for her to be in the home permanently, we'll be okay with it. Get some rest, my friend. luv ya both, with hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, Thanks for always being here for me. May there never be a day when I take your friendship for granted. You're too dear a friend, and I appreciate your friendship too much. Hope everything is going okay there. I've been praying about the house issue, your children, the new grandbaby (what a joy), and your work. May you have all you need for today, and a little extra. hugz,luvz,me

[klynn630]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I seem to be going through some type of anger issues right now. I'm extremely laid back but, but lately it seems as though everything gets under my skin. I'm finding that I don't even want to leave the house...I'm becoming a shut in, and that just makes the sadness worse. What's strange is that even though I know it makes it worse, I have a hard time pushing myself out of the house. I felt numb for probably more than six months. Along with the anger, I'm also crying myself to sleep most nights and I feel stuck and lost.

I really feel selfish for saying this, but alot of the time, I don't even want to be here anymore. Luckily, I have alot of great family because they help alot with my daughter and the way that I've been feeling lately, I know I couldn't do it on my own.

I've also never been someone to drink, and I'm starting to do so. I know I can't do that.

I know that the way I'm acting is strange, but I somehow can't find the strength to fight my out. Hopefully this will pass.

[withani]

Mark...you are soooooo welcome...I'm happy to be called your friend and I thank YOU for the pick me up!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Klynn630...dear friend you are feeling many of the things we all have felt and do felt...such as anger and the not wanting to be here anymore...you'll get through this but it's a very long process...one minute...one hour...one day at a time. Please know that you are loved by many and a phrase that has helped me is if God brings you to it he'll bring you through it. It's a long journey and I'm happy to hear you have support of family. Please take care of yourself today...it is very typical to be crying every day...18 months later I'm down to just a couple nights a week....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Klynn630, try to not be too rough on yourself, as these are the "normal" feelings of grief. While there isn't really a "normal" in grieving, there are similarities in what we all face. Give yourself a week more, and think of reasons to walk outside. If you can't walk outside after one week, you may want to consider talking with a counselor, as most of us do. My wife is still with me, suffering from an illness that threatens her life, and I find by talking with a counselor that I'm better able to care for her and myself. About the drinking, because you never were a person given to it, don't think to much about it, unless you believe it is, or is going to be a problem. If so, talk, and we'll be here for you. During my teenage years, I was in a band, using acid and pot, and drinking in a dangerous way. In 1980, through some help, I got clean, and have been since. Grief is an emotional turmoil, so don't be too hard on your own emotional state or means of coping, unless you see they are self-destructive or about to become that way. Yes, these things will pass with time, and the pain will subside. You have a journey ahead, but please know that we're here to help you through it. Feel free to write anytime. With prayers for your peace, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, here's a little good news, for your midweek slump or whatever they call it now. My wife is doing so well in the home that I wonder how I went so long without their help. She stayed home for a couple days to help me, cuz I had a problem with my back (can't even take a step or put weight on my feet). Her insurance also approved her new powered wheelchair, which is an absolute necessity now. Although I failed my medicals (the test to return to driving a truck), I can take the test again after twelve months from the fail date, so next July. Even without my license, companies call me nearly every day asking me to drive. My driving record is 1.2 million miles, no wrecks, no tickets (just big trucks). Well, I have to get back to naptime. My back is hurting a lot. Take care, my dear friend. luvz, hugz, Me

[withani]

Mark that is WONDERFUL NEWS ABOUT MARY...thanks so much for sharing. I'm sorry YOU are feeling so bad with your back though...I guess we can't have it all at the same time unfortunately. Please take good care of yourself and know it's always great to hear from you my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm trying to do that CindiSue, but I think I did myself in. This morning was interesting, to say the least. I had some kind of seizure, which landing me in emergency for tests and things. The doctor there told me to call my neurologist tomorrow for further evaluation. It looks like this is related to the neurological illness I have, but we're not sure yet. There is a slight possibility it could just be from exhaustion too. We'll see. Did I tell you I'm my own worst enemy? Promise, I'll take better care of myself. It's not like I want to make you worry more about me. Hey! It's Friday! Celebrate. Go have fun. Take your grandbabies out to Chuck E Cheese's or something like that for a party. Girl, I know there's a lot on your mind, so I keep a lot of prayer for you, for your sorrow, your home, your health, your job, and the sort. May all things work out to the best for you. Have faith, kiddo, and even although this pat reply isn't enough to calm the soul of a friend who is facing down a giant, your friends are beside you every step of the way. Get a little rest this weekend, try to kick back and relax, and most of all, have fun. luv ya, hugz, Me

[cindysue]

kylnn630,..Cindisue and Mark are right take one day at a time..its the only thing to do Aug the first will be 2 years since Roger passed and alot of times I feel like I can't stand it no more but then I think would he want me to be depressed all the time?? no hewould want me to take care our our 3 year old son and our 2 daughters and help them cope also..now Byron was so young when his daddy died that he does'nt under alot...I just too him to the heart docor again he go's every 3 monthes and they put yet on anoth medication for his little hert so worry everyday so the docotr was blunt he told me what baby Byron has is serious..and if he gets to excited or wore out he could have a stroke or a heart attack even though he is only 3..I cried cause he has so many downfalls and I always wonder what did I do wrong but I know his daddy is helpin me watch him and will make sure he will be ok..just recently we found out he was dignosed with autism don't think I spelled that right plus he has a disability wherehe is gonna have to go to special school he talk some but not a whole lot but he tries and he is judt an adorable and beautiful little boy..to me is my angel and my miracle and I have to try to live for him even though I feel sick all the time cause I miss Roger so very much..thier is somewonderful and I mean the best friends on here anyone could ever hope for all I love them all so much they are family to me..who I care about so much...and we do care about you also and hope you saty in touch..cause be;lieve me they have helped me so much and I been on here about a year and thats where I meant Cindisue my sis and My sweet bro Mark... and my other sis Trish..and I can't forget Renee she pops in when she can to help us..and the god thing they never judge us ..but help us relize we are good people..can't ask fo anyone better then all of them..so we all wanna help you you asound so lost and I know what your going through I feel the same way so much I still dream about Roger everyday and cry..but maye in time I can feel at ease again and just remember the good mememories without cryin..I wanna wish you good luck and talk about anything we will listen thats what we are here for..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

To Cindisue and Mark, Hiya..my sweet friends..I am still feelin sick but I think the antibotics is helpin..least I hope the problem I have now is everytime I eat I hurt and my stomach gets sick so I am wondering if now I have an ulcer.. Byron went to hsi heart doctor and they changed his meds again cause his heart was pummping to much plus when it did it was'nt going through the blocked valve which is makin him act wierd and dizzy,,and he starts sweating and acts like he will pass out..my poor baby why does he have to suffer so..at 3 years old he has went through hell and back and its not fair..wish I could take his pain from him..but I know soo as he has his surgery he will feel better the hard part is they can't do it till his valves are bloocked enough and his is so close in the meantime he suffers,, well I want all of you to know I am thinkn of you all..and love you so much...hang in thier Mark your doing wonderful and I am so happy your sleepin mre you sure need that..and Cindisue..peanut and your new grandbaby are lucky to have you as a grandmother even though you look young enough to have had them yourself..a beautiful granmommy you are..bet you are spoiling them too pieces I know I do mine and they always wanna say can I send the night ..hehhe ht oldest now is 12 and the youngest is 16 monthes..and I always tease them you will have to ask yoru 3 year old uncle is hois decision..lol..well I want us all to know I am thinkin of you all..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[Guest Guest]

On 4-25-06, my life was forever changed. My husband who was only 37 years old passed away. He was suppose to be coming home from the hospital, but instead died of multiple blood clots that traveled to his lungs. Life is so unfair. We were married for 15 1/2 years and together for 20. Our beautiful son is so sad and depressed. I cry all the time and just don't care about living. Why did this have to happen? I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I've had people come to me and tell me I'm still young and I'll find someone. I don't want anyone, but the man I love. My sweet angel would meet me at work each Thursday for lunch and bring me a bouquet of flowers. I wish I could smile and be happy, but the pain I feel each moment of the day just doesn't go away. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Guest, I am deeply sorry you have lost your husband. Yes, you are young, too young to be going through all this. Sadly, what we all face here doesn't discriminate on the basis of age. My wife is now 38, and while she's still with me, she must fight against dystrophy which is threatening her life. You don't need to listen to those who say you should look for another love relationship. You need time to grieve your loss and come to terms with your husband's death. You need time to heal. This all comes to you in time, and only with time. Take time for yourself, to do special things for yourself, to make you feel good. This heals your emotions, lifts your self esteem, and raises you from the depression caused by grief. Please know that we are here to listen any time, to whatever you feel you need to say. We don't judge anyone, for any reason, ever. We are here to help. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. May you have the peace and comfort you need to get you through the days ahead.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, my dear friend, please take care of yourself, okay. Just do what you gotta to be healthy. Keep your iron up or I may need to take a little trip to "spoon feed" you. I keep prayers always for Byron. He's such an adorable little guy. You're doing a good job caring for him, and you should be proud of yourself as his mommy. What you're doing is very difficult at best. It takes courage, a lot of work (through the exhaustion), and most of all love. You're doing great, girl! He's had it tough, yes. But he has you. Tend to business, okay, and don't worry about the "other issues" going on about you. Let the world take care of itself for now. You have Byron to care about. All in due time. You'll be given the reward in the end, a lot of love in return. We're all beside you through this journey, and whatever you need, just ask, okay. Always a friend, with love 4 ya both, hugs 2, Me

[withani]

Guest....I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband due to multiple blood clots in the lungs. It's the most intense pain I've even known...I lost my significant other (Gary) of 11 years to acute myocarditis January '05 and completely understand the not caring about living. It is a very long journey where you feel as it you're in a fog and this could not have happened to YOU!!! I will let you know I've found it best (for me) to take just one day at a time. You may have a couple good days and then it all comes crashing down again...

I'm glad you posted on this web site...everyone here is extremely understanding and have become for good friends of mine over the past year +....

Your husband sounds like he was a WONDERFUL MAN...he will always be with you in spirit and hopefully that will be of some comfort to you. Unfortunately when they leave us is beyond our control...that lesson took me a long while to learn and also deepened my spirtuality as well as faith.

God bless you and your son...you will be in my thoughts and prayers...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue....me spoiling my grandson's????!!!! LOL!! My children and grandchildren have helped me more than imaginable during this journey to make me appreciate the new life they bring. Since my second grandson was born on Father's Day I've been having "Peanut" spend the night a couple nights a week to give my daughter a break. Some days after work and an evening with Peanut I'm so worn down I can sleep

I can't believe your oldest grandchild is 12????!!!! Talk about a young looking grandmother!!!!

Please take good care of yourself and baby Bryon...we're all here praying for you girlfriend...we love you....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark....I'm hoping the problems you have been experiencing are from exhaustion and that you are eventually able to get the rest you so well need. I DO believe you can be your own worst enemy by worrying too much about everyone else...please do something for yourself my friend...we need you taking good care of yourself!!!!! I'm doing something for myself this weekend by going out to celebrate two girlfriends July birthdays...it will be great to see them..we've been friends since childhood. Another thing I'm doing for myself is I've filled out a FAFSA form to see what type of student loans I may be able to receive. I'd like to go to school in the evening to become an Occupation Therapy Assistant...as you know...I love working with the children and with 20+ years left to work I want to make the best of it by continuing to work with the children but eventually on a one to one basis when I get my degree...probably 4-5 years by night classes.

I hope you do something enjoyable over the weekend...please give Mary a BIG HUG from me....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani