Young Widowhood

[withani]

Mark...thank you for the reminder of our relearning to be happy with little events...one at a time...it I think of too many of them I feel overwhelmed and want to run for the hills!!!!! Alone!!!!! Yes...I do think emailing a card to CindySue would be a good idea...I'm worried without seeing any of her postings or responses...we know how we all can get...you have been a wonderful source of strength my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Trish...the HOSPITAL WITH PNEUMONIA AND A RASH!!!!!!! Happy to hear you are feeling better Caving..is basically hiking in a cave...crawling/climbing..I did enjoy experiencing something new. This was a beginner cave so low level of danger. Nature at it's finest. Let me know if you hear from CindySue...I'll email her as well...please take care...one day at a time....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone your all gonna hate me.. I have'nt been around cause I did it I over did on my pills and overdosed..and have been in the hosp..and I got out lastnight..I could'nt take my life no more always being put down and being sad now I am mellow..am on antideppresents I guess my problem is I blame myself for Rogers death..I wished I could have saved him and he did'nt have that heart attack I was right thier..and Baby Byron has been suffrin over his daddy;s death even though he's 3 I think he remembers he is all stressed out and bites his nails till he bleeds..I feel like a failure but now I feel stupid for takin so many pills to ease my pain..I went to see my mom today and things have not changed thier while I was thier my sister called and mom had the phone on speaker to talk to her and my sister was sayin not knowin I was thier that I was selfish and that she was sayin how our brother called her to see how she was doing and she go's more then what Cindy would have done..talk about being hurt.. I know now how my own sister feels about me along with my mom..I cried and my mom did'nt know what to say..but she kept sayin Cindy quit feelin sorry for yourself so many women in your shoes have lost thier husbands and they have small children also,,get over it Roger's gone he's never commin back now start thinkin of Byron..I do think of my baby I really do..he's my life..just I am screwin it up more and more..I am sorry I have not written any of you back I noticed I have mail from Trish Mark and cindisue..I cried when I seen that to know you all still think of me and love me..I am glad someone does.. why do I mess my life up? I am tryin so hard to live without Roger and even though in Aug it will be 2 years I feel like it was lastnight..I can't get over seein him die right in front of me without no warning..I guess thats the way heart attacks works sometimes..I will be ok I hope..I am makin Byron suffer and its not fair he is so happy now that I am home..I been gone for almost a month I was pretty out of it..I guess I am a mental case..I have got to straighten my life out or I won't be here..I'll be where Roger is..but sometimes I wonder if I will ever be better but I guess I need help..and I am finally gettin it..being in the stress center helped me but I know it will take time..please all of you pray I will get through this and please except my apoligys for being a crappy friend lately I want you all to know how much I love you all and how much you mean too me..I will write more later..need to lay down and try to get used to being home again..

Love and Hugs To You All,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm so worried about you! Please take care of you. We don't need you sick. You said it well. Your life is forever changed. But take things moment by moment, and make the very best you can in the present situation. This agony does reach a better day. You always have a shoulder to lean on and cry on here. hugz, luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you aren't saying anything new to me, when you talk about running. First time I ran away from home, I was only 4 years old. I got about 15 miles before the cops got me. I remember yelling "dirty coppers!" (smart mouthed little guy, I know). I'm sorry the present world is filling your life with all too much stress, one thing we all can do without. I sat here last night praying for this to change, whichever way God has planned for it to happen. The last few nights have put my wife and me through hell. I'm so happy you enjoyed the caving. Whatcha gonna do for fun next time? Skydiving? No, I'm not trying to give you ideas. luv ya, hugz, me

[loreyore]

Cindysue,

I'm new here so I'm trying to figure this all out as far as the loss of a spouse. I am not new to stress centers or hospitals or depression or overdosing or grieving. Real clinical depression (the disease that you have) is not "selfish" unless people consider someone developing cancer or some other disease selfish. Clinical depression can hit anyone at any time but does tend to run in families and does tend to form after some sort of event (good or bad). I'm not a doctor but I do consider myself an expert in this area since I have battled the disease since childhood. I've read more textbooks and journals on the topic but nothing beats actually having it. I'm currently not on anti-depressants but am having to very closely monitor my symptoms and am not ruling them out since I have needed them for far less traumatic events in my life - the depression is still the same old monster it always has been. Do you mind if I ask you this - were the pills anti-anxiety pills that you overdosed on? I find that these are commonly prescribed during traumatic events and I've never found them useful..except to make depression worse. Anxiety is a sign of depression and if those are the pills that you referred to overdosing on - well, they won't help the underlying cause and often wind up making the person taking them addicted (I saw this happen to my husband).

I am so sorry that you don't have a better support system with your family - they obviously are still in the dark ages about mental illness being a disease and not a choice (why do people consider "mental" to be separate from the body anyway?).

I just lost my Ronnie from a heart attack, I think. He was 34 and we were married 12 years and have two children ages 10 and 6. I have two from another marriage that are grown and Ronnie thought they were his own. I've never really considered my life without him involved in it (even a few years ago when we separated and were having problems - I still thought of the future with him in it). It hurts to miss your soul mate and some day you will be better but you can be better and still miss him. You can share your good memories about Roger with your son - he will need that especially later when he is bigger and doesn't remember as well as you do. So, you have a job to do that only you can do...no one else knew Roger like you and Byron will need those loving memories as he grows into a man. The anti-depressants will help get your out of control thoughts in check and you have to do the rest but you will feel able to even though you still hurt. I know you think of your baby - it is the depression, Cindysue, more than anything. Give the medicine time to work on the disease and then you can work on recouperating and healing...even if you still miss Roger (I don't ever expect that you won't miss him but we can still live good lives while we miss the people we love the most...I lost my Mom long ago and miss her every day but I accomplished things mostly in her honor so I know it can be done). I couldn't accomplish anything while sick with depression.

I hope I've helped you in some small way. You and Baby Byron are in my prayers.

Lori

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, of all the things I'd ever think or do, one thing I'd never even consider doing would be to "hate" you. No matter what happens in this painful world, or how much sorrow we all feel, I love you my precious friend. I am always, forever here to help you, no matter what. I don't hate you for the choice you made. I understand the issues behind your choice though. Seven months after I lost Jennifer, her mom took her own life by od'ing on heroin. There is an overwhelming pile of stress included in our sorrow, hon. If I can do anything to help you with things, to give you time to think through the issues at hand, or if you just need to talk, I'm always here for you. You mean so much to me, by all you've helped me with, your perfect wisdom when I need it, and just being a friend to talk to. It's our turn to help you. Please rely on your friends all you must. This is why we're here, because we care. If you need to call, please call anytime, and collect. If you need the number to the studio, I'll resend it. For now, please get enough rest, take sweet care of yourself, and give Byron lots of hugs and kisses. luv ya my dear friend, me

[aprilsmom]

Oh no Erin; did you have a reaction to the med that was supposed to fight off the pneumonia? oh ouch, ouch,bummer-I hope you have a quick recovery-I can't mail you ice from my cell either:)

CINDYSUE- you better do what the doctors say-we don't want to lose you too!!

Prayers going out for all here. Why is it so easy to have faith that everyone I pray for will be touched but I never pray for myself because I think I have to go it alone? I need a spiritual scrub brushing! Love you all, Renee

[cindysue]

Lori, Thankyou for the sweet nice message..I am really sorry to hear about your husband I know how hard it is..and th pain you are going through..I was married for 28 years and together with Roger 30 and we have 2 grown daughter and then came along Byron he is 3 years old now..and also has a heart condition and surgery he will have to have..Mark< Lori, Trish amd Cindisue and Renee I am sorry I have made you all worry about me..I am a loss cause sometimes..I was on xanax and I guess I took too many cause I wanted to forget plus I took strong pain pills..and I guess at the time I was not thinkin clearly..I know Byron needs me right now I hate myself for doing what I did..I love all of you but I lnow when I get to this point I should have gotten help but I thought I could handle things on my own..things have to get better..I try but I can't seem to get better..it will be 2 years in Aug Roger passed why can't I just except that..I guess maybe I am in denial he is gone forever..and Lori yes you have helped me with your wisdom about depression...I wanna feeel better I just don't know how anymore..and Thankyou Mark for always thinkin of me...I hope Mary is doing ok is she doing ok..and what happen to Trish has she been sickk..gosh I feel so bad not keepin up with everyone..I hope she is doing better and Cindisue I miss you too..and think of you all all the time..I just pray I can get through this ok..ahgain Lori Ia m sorry to hear about your husband..

Love you all,

Cindysue

[aprilsmom]

Dearest Cindy- xanax is NOT an anti-depressant and will not make you feel better but there are some really good ones that HONESTLY- will help you! Get off the xanax if you can by maybe weaning yourself off, it IS addicting which is why I never took it after the first night of the accident. I take a very low dose of zoloft and it is truly amazing; I can cope, just cope, doesn't mean I'm not sad or feeling the grief, but I can function in a busy world with lots of responsibility )I have 50 special needs kids on my caseload right now). You owe it to your son AND yourself to try to get better, Roger would want that!

Take Care again, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lori, I am sorry you have lost your husband. No matter how it is we lose the one we love so very much, nothing seems to make sense about it, whether it be after an accident, a short illness or medical situation, or as in my situation, following a long and seemingly endless illness. I wish I could give you and each one of the dear friends I know here the answer to "why", but sadly, this eludes me too. Like you, my wife and I spent time apart, nearly ending our marriage in divorce. We were only one week from signing the final divorce decree when we chose to attempt rebuilding our marriage. It's been difficult at times, but my love for her is beyond any words of description, any method of measure. Perhaps we could say my love for her is infinite and eternal, but I don't want to sound like this is a fairy tale marriage. I've been blessed to spend two decades with someone who supports my dreams and ideas, who stood beside me when I was away from home driving a transport, and now, seeing we are both afflicted with neurological conditions (mine, nothing much, but hers terminal). While you work through this time of soorow, please remember to care gently and well for yourself, both physically and emotionally. Please get the rest you need, and do your best to maintain a proper diet. Along with my little words of "wisdom", please talk about issues you find important. Sometimes, you may change your mind, and think you're losing your mind or whatever, but trust me, you are definitely not losing your mind. Grief plays mind games on us, so we all need to talk about things that appear important. Also, it's not necessarilly sinful to be upset with God for your husband's death. This is just another facet of the gemstone of grieving, and when you are finished "cutting" and "polishing" this gem, you'll see life and sorrow in a vastly different way. We are always here to listen to you, no matter what you may want to say. No matter what you say, or how "silly" or upsetting it may seem, it's something on your mind, and therefore important beyond measure. This is your grief, your journey, and only you can choose when to take a step, or how and where to take that step. Only you can decide what is the proper way for you to grieve, so grieve in your own way. Nobody can ever tell you how to grieve. I will keep a prayer for you, that you may find peace and comfort during this difficult time. Always, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, you never need to apologize. You have done nothing wrong, just acted out a reaction to the unspeakable stress you must face. This is your time, and it's our turn to care for you. You were right here by my side, helping me through the darkness of those nightmares. I can never thank you enough for the help you gave, even though I still thank you often. This is your time, girl, and we are all here to help you. If you need to talk, we're here because we care about you. You are CindySue, our dear friend, a terrific and caring and loving mom to all your sweet children. We know you are because your love for them shows so much. Please take it easy on the meds. Xanax is an anti-anxiety med, and strong. Whatever you do, don't mix it with pain meds, unless you are in constant communication with your doctor. As for my part of the world, we're doing okay, trying to hang in there. She's had some bad days and nights lately. We're getting ready for the transition to the nursing home, which is supposed to happen as soon as there is an opening at the facility. My mother in law and I finally had that talk you kept telling me to have. Thank you for the nudging. All this time, she's been worried I'd leave their family afterward. I love her, and my nephews and nieces (all 15 of them), and I have no intention of straying from the family tree. I love them all way too much. 'Sides, Unca Mark has too much fun spoiling the children (um, I guess you found out last Christmas). Get some rest, girl. I don't want you ill, hurting, in hospital, or any other bad thing. Give Byron a big ol hug from us, please, and one for you too. luv ya both, Me and the missuz.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I'm okay with you using Zoloft, but if you notice anything wierd, like strange speech problems, or dizziness, please drop it immediately. I don't want to be too much a worrywart, but you're my friend. . . Don't mix that med with opioid pain meds, please. Things may tend to get funky and blurry (it was cool back at Woodstock, but this is the next millenium, and we're older and wiser). I'll write privately tonite. I have a new email addy (again), but this one isn't much different from the last one. Hugs and prayers, me

[ssg1legal]

Thank you CindiSue and Mark for your sweet replies. Yes, I am still very much in love with Tom and had a dream about him last night, which hasn't happened in a very long while.

I haven't placed myself in any position to date or even meet anyone. I do have a highschool reunion coming up in July that I am considering attending, not sure quite yet.

Seems that I'm falling into that waiting for Tom to come home sort of mode, although I know that won't happen. I still miss him very much and it seems the past few weeks have been very difficult with my lonesomeness for him. I suppose that these times will come on and off for the rest of my life.

In talking with one of my friends yesterday, she remarked that Tom and I were not only married, but very much in love with each other. Best friends. No one will ever be able to live up to that. No replacements are possible.

I am young, still in my forties, and I would like very much to find someone to "grow old" with, travel, dine, just be. Those sorts of men just don't seem to be very evident.

Mark, I'm so sorry for you, watching Mary subside to her illness, it is so hard on the caregiver. CindiSue thank you for your special support. Both of you are in my prayers. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I am grateful.

Susan

[jcruzgirl]

Susan,

I like you feel the loss of my love and 1/2 of my heart. I know how it feels to loose that one person that makes you whole. The day James died my life was torn in two. I still don't know who I am yet. I feel this incomplete person that I hadn't ever felt before. I used to wait for the door to open and James to come walking through saying, it is not true, Lord how I waited for that to happen, but it never did. It still feels so surreal at times and like he is going to be here when I get home from work, or wake up in the morning. I never thought that I could learn to live with this constant ache and pain in my who being, but I am and I just thank God that all I have to do it for is the here and now. I learned long ago, to live one day at a time and that training has been so much help in the life that I have to live now. I just wish that I could wake up from this complete nightmare, but that just is not going to happen... I get visits and dreams so very often. I know that when I wake up James is at peace, while I sit in my bed and cry for the man that I love, the man that I planned out my life with. Lord how I miss him so...

Peace to you,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Susan, thank you for thinking of me and us so kindly. I won't whitewash this situation; it's very difficult, stressful, and sometimes overwhelming. Honestly, even CindiSue can tell you I've had moments of wanting to run away and hide from all the pain and sorrow. But, even through our present pain, and nearly divorcing fifteen years ago, I'm the happiest man on earth, because I get to love such an amazing woman as she is. She has to be pretty amazing to endure her own wretched illness, plus my past, and my neurological illness. My daughter, my wife's step daughter, is only six years younger than my sweet wife. For you, please don't be in a hurry to enter a relationship. You are going through such a difficult and painful time in your life, it's all too easy to get hurt by the wrong person who may only be preying on someone grieving. Sadly, I know some people who do this, both male and female, and they sicken me. About the reunion, all I think of for advice is, do you feel like you're able to go? If you think you can get through it without adding sorrow to your heart, go ahead. If you think it will be painful, stay home or go to a movie or play (do you like opera?). Most of us on this forum are about the same age, with a few who are younger, so we all know the feelings - we're too young to want to be alone for too long, but we also are mature and wise enough to avoid getting into the wrong situations. Best advice? Stay true to your heart, and do what you believe is right and best for you. Take gentle care of yourself. Please do the little things that mean so much, so you can make yourself feel special. Since losing the one who treated you and spoiled you, it's easy to not do these things for yourself, and this can increase the sorrow and depression. My prayers are with you. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, surreal is a good word for this whole thing, whether we lose our love quickly, or after a long dragged out illness. That feeling of getting your heart ripped in half, I kinda know it. Sometimes I may ask the most assinine questions, like is it wrong to go day after day as though I've already lost her, because it makes this pain feel a little less miserable. Sometimes, I feel I must live day to day like this, because it's just too painful sitting here helplessly while she slowly dies from this thing. Whether you can wake from this nightmare or not, I'm always here to help you any way I can, my freind. This is what friends do for each other. You've been by my side when I hurt, and I shall be here to help you whenever you need my help. If you need, you may call anytime. Now, I'm going to attempt some rest. Hope you can rest well this weekend. I'm praying for you, girl. hugs, luvz, me

[susanbruce]

Not sure what is considered young widowhood - I am 48 years old. On April 21, I lost the love of my life to a sudden heart attack. He had no previous symptoms at all - just high blood pressure, which he had been keeping under control. I miss him so much, I love him more than I ever knew I did. I talk to his pictures, pray constantly and cry alot. Driving by restaurants we used to eat at, places we would go, really hurts. He was the cook of the family and seeing all the food he had bought in the fridge, freezer and pantry makes me cry. Our only child was married in February and we were so excited about the new phase of our marriage - contentment and love. Less than 60 days after her marriage, he was gone. Everyone tells me I need to find a new normal, but I can't imagine anything without him. I am going to go to a Christian group grief counseling in about 10 days, which I hope will help.

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

I am so sorry that you have to watch as Mary slowly leaves this plane. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I know that it was sooooooooooo difficult to find James and how much it still aches me to my core, but to have to slowly watch him leave. I am always here for you.

I am really sick right now. Can't shake this Pneumonia. The meds are not keeping it at bay like they thought that they would. Ended back in the ER today and I am in sooooooooooo much pain. My lower back feels like it is going to break in two each time I cough or sneeze and the MD won't give me anything stronger for my pain meds... I was suppose to go next week and have the nerve endings burnt in my lower back and now looks like it will have to be post poned because I can't breath right yet.

I will keep both you and Mary in my prayers. Hey did I tell you that I may not have a job when this is all said and done??? When it rains it pours for me.

XOXO

T.

[withani]

CindySue...I'm so happy to see you on here girlfriend...no apologies necessary. The overdosing is something that I'm sure all of us have considered here at one time or another since our losses occurred and I'm only sorry you had to go through that...both Renee and Mark's advice to you is excellent and trading in the xanax for zoloft would be a good idea. I know how overwhelmed you feel...and how lost but you can't blame yourself for Roger's heart attack...we don't have that type of power only God knows what his plan is and I pray that you will find strength in anything that can give you an occasion smile. We love you girlfriend and will always be here for you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...skydiving???!!!! You're too funny!!! Although I have to say I don't have the fear I used to of taking risks...walking with death I know we are all part of a bigger plan. I'm so sorry to hear of the hell you and Mary have been going through and yet you're here to help us lost souls...I am eternally greatful as I'm sure many others here would attest to. Please take good care of yourself my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Trish...SURREAL...excellent choice of words and description of what we all have been going through...I hope you're feeling better physically my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Susanbruce, I am so sorry to hear of your husband death I am too 48 years old and lost my husband Aug of 2004 of a massive heart attack so I do feel your pain.. life is not fair to take our love ..at such a young age and heart attack you never thin they would take them that soon my husband just turned 46 a week before he died..we were on vacation at the lake in our boat..we have 2 grown daughters but they were not with us just our baby boy he was 15 monthes old at the time he was our surprise baby..but he was driving the boat and holding the baby when he had the attack I managed to stop the boat and stop it but he was already dead it killed him instantly people in another boat tried to give him CPR but nothing helped he was gone that fast..we were married 28 wonderful years and together 30..we also have 7 grandchildren so havin our last child at such a late time was truely a blessing and a miracle but sadly our son is 3 years old now and with no daddy to teach him things we found out 2 konthes before Roger died that our little boy has a heart problem and will require surgery so I am really scared of losing my baby too but I know Roger will be watchin over him..its been a long struggle for me..and if I did'nt have these wonderful people on here to talk to I don't know what I would do..I been so depressed and havin a hard time handling it but with Cindisue, Mark Trish and all the others I am slowly gettin better but not all the way thier yet...I am really sorry to hear of your dear husband..my heart breaks for you..cause we all know on here what you are going through and stay in contact cause these bunch of people on here are such a great help and they have become like family to me in my tryin days...

Hugs to you,

Cindysue

[withani]

Susan...48 is the same age I am and I consider Young Widowhood...I'm so sorry to hear of Tom's passing 60 days after your daughter's wedding. That has been something I've been struggling with the past year and a half is that my children are of age where I FINALLY have some freedom (my youngest graduated from high school today) and my soulmate is gone...all the dreams you have together and looking forward to growing old together is snatched away...so sad..I have been learning to appreciate one day at a time and each person in my life moreso than ever..

It's is a feeling of being lost...you'll find many friends here who can relate and will allow you to feel...which I find is invaluable..

Please take care...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue and Mark, Thankyou for understanding and being here for me..and Trish I am so sorry I have not written you sooner sometimes I wonder if I will ever get better..I can't believe Aug the 1st will be 2 years since Roger died..why does it feel like yesterday? this is'nt fair why does Baby Byron have to live without a daddy..my gosh everyday he looks more and more like him..I am so blessed that the good Lord gave me this miracle baby..he was meant to be here so I have got to be stronger for not just myself but for him I am all he 's got as a parent..I feel like a failure being a cop out takin drugs to ease my pain..I was not even thinkin of Byron at the time what is wrong with me?? I wish I could undo that damage I have caused..just depression sure can hurt..Mark I am so happy I could make your nightmares go away least I am doing something right bless you and I am happy thier gone.. Cindisue, Girlfriend thanks for being so concerned for me sometimes I wonder if I deserve your kindness..you have been like my sis you and Trish..I feel bad cause Trish must thnk I been ignorin her and I have'nt just have been so hard to even get on the computer sometimes you know I have'nt even been to Roger's gravesite for a very long time just seein him thier I know he's really gone and I hate seein his name and the pic of his semi..on thier the stone I have is a engraving of his semi and it also say he was the beloved husband of Cindy married Oct 29 1976 and on the back of the stone it say he was the beloved father of Tina Angela and Byron..and I guess when I visit his site I break down so now I can't even go and see it..is this normal??? I have'nt even put flowers on it yet..I am afraid too I guess maybe I am in denial?? I don't know but I can't face this alone and I am glad I have all of you here to talk to and to help me ..well I am off for now I gotta make sure my baby Byron si covered up..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...I think it's perfectly natural to feel like you can't go to Roger's gravesite. Gary doesn't have one because he was cremated and just thinking about that makes me crazy...I try not to let my mind go there. It's just too sad......as the gravesite is for you. We will never be the women we were before this happened...all we can do at this point is be the best we can for our children...although most are grown..but keep our families together and do what we can for the rest of the world. This does honor our loved ones and someday we'll know why we had to go through this my friend...we all love you and I pray you have some peace today....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, more than anything, I want you to know inside your heart that you are are very special and good person and friend. It's more than doing something "right" to help, it's that out of your heart you care about your friends. We all have our own unique personalities, which guide us through these painful days. I faced harsh abuse in my childhood, which makes me tend to run from bad things, like facing my sweetie's dying. I don't want to see what's ahead, which I know will be worse than my present. This is also why you don't want to visit the cemetery right now. You feel the present suffering, the depression, and the effects on your children. None of us want you to hurt more, hon. For now, maybe it's best for Cindy to take a little time off, you and Byron, just to be together. I don't know, but maybe you're having too much sorrow input, and maybe this is a part of the problem. You are a very caring woman, which is so special to who you are. But, people who care a lot tend to feel loss more deeply. You need a little time for you, to heal emotionally. Are you in a position where you can take Byron and enjoy a little vacation out of town? I'm sure your daughter and grandchildren would love to see you. It's only a few hours away, which is still close to home, yet you can get away and see something other than the same town, same street, same everything. This may help you heal. I'm worried about you very much. You know my prayers are with you, and I'd do anything I could to help. Give yourself a little break from things, and try to see something different in the world for a little while. Maybe I should take my own advice and get out of here for a weekend, maybe to take my son fishing. luv ya both, with hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Susan, I am sorry for your loss, which it seems no words can offer you the peace and comfort you need and deserve. There will be so many things that try to throw your soul off base. Any little thing is capable of reminding us of our loss, even as simple as a song, the smell of perfume, a color, even natural things like a sunset. Take time just for you, and try to get through only one issue or feeling at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself with the whole journey of sorrow and grief in one sitting. My wife is still with me, but in the last stage of one of the dystrophies. I'm learning that my feelings are mine alone, and I must figure them out one by one as I continue this journey. A lot of my feelings don't make any sense, but in light of who I'm losing, they all make perfect sense. My sweetie and I have been together for over two decades, watched our children grow up, and now enjoy fussing over our first grandchild. To be in a group setting for grief support is good, maybe better than individual therapy. I've been with a group since my daughter Jenni was killed. They are others who know this pain, and care about others who grieve. I'll keep you in my prayers. You're always welcome to write anytime. We're here because we share a common sorrow, and because we care. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, please, girl, take very good care of yourself. I've had a pneumonia vaccine, so if you need someone to cook chicken soup for you . . . Without a job? I heard of a job in Alberta paying over $100,000 a year. I'm thinking of it a little. It's a driving job. If you need help with things, we're here. Thanks for thinking of us. I don't want to whine and complain and boo hoo too much, but it's getting to be a lot of stress and other feelings lately. I'm thankful for each one of you, for your own strengths and way of sharing some comfort when needed. Get the rest you need, and try to not worry about your job (too much). We're going to help you through this. Keep us posted on how you're feeling, okay. luv ya, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, yes skydiving. hehehe. I know, I'm a brat. I don't think of any one of you as the lost soul. . . just me. I'm not yet widowed, and I can't seem to do anything but sit in my studio and cry like a kid lost in the mall. Life seems so overwhelming, and this world such a huge place now. Chalk it up as one of those "things" we have to feel??? Yesterday, I was in my shop working on a guitar (oops, broke one), and "Close Enough To Perfect" was playing on the radio. I couldn't even see, I was crying so hard. I sat there asking God why I had to miss her so much when she's only fifty feet from me. We now are getting moments so bad I swear she'd more easily die than live. So much for me, the "strong" one. My strength is here mostly, from you dear friends who take the time to care. I have been facing a lot of depression and sadness lately, so it's kept me in my solitude, which I know isn't good. Thank you for being so supportive through all this hell we call grief. Who was it who said, "hell is the impossibility of reason"? He obviously was never widowed. I have to get back to the shop and see about my guitar's health. luv ya, Me

[withani]

Mark...I wish there were something I could say to make you feel a little better but unfortunately it's something you feel. In your case...the grieving of the life that you and Mary once and had and knowing it will never be the same is certainly enough to throw anyone into depression. Cry when you need to cry my friend and don't feel embarassed or ashamed about it...you NEED this...really. I'm glad you had your music...and guitars...such a wonderful release. Thanks for stopping in with an update...you know I worry about everyone here...can't help it..it's just my nature. Please indulge yourself in something you enjoy...your journey has been a long hellish one. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you said plenty to make me feel so much better. Thank you, my precious friend. You understand musicians, and the fundamental issue of music, that it's pure emotion. Since I wrote earlier today, I made a choice, one that my sweetie will never hear, at least until I tell her in Heaven. I want to play that song at her funeral. A lot of it fits her, and I think it's a good tribute to the one who shared her life with a wierd, wired hippie. She really is close enough to perfect for me. Oh, that guitar that I have in the shop is going to be okay. I split the neck into a few pieces, but I learned luthierie, so I'm carving a new neck. The guitar is a '69 Gibson 12 string. You've walked with me through some dark, deep stuff, and I appreciate what you have done, and I appreciate you. Someday, I may find a way to say thank you, but for the moment, these little cyber words must suffice to say, thank you my friend. luv ya, Me

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone..Just wanted to see how everyone has been.things here are slowly gettin better..other then my mom pickin on me nothing new..don't get me wrong I love my mom a whole lot but she jumped on me cause I don't visit Roger's grave..she said my gosh do it out of respect if you loved him..my mom was pretty close to my Roger and she don't understand what is wrong she said she really thought she would have to pull me away from the gravesite..maybe she is right I wish I knew why I can't visit my dear Roger I loved him with all my heart but I can't or don't wanna see his name on thier..I can't..I want too but just thinkin bout it I shake..gosh I hope he knows how much I loved and missed him..I wish baby Byron could have been with him longer but I remember such good times when Roger would hold Byron and said thats my boy..he was so happy to finally have a son even though he still loved the girls..but he won't see him grow up and that saddens me so much..he would be good with him..like he was with our girls Angela and the boys are down for 2 weeks so that is a treat I have'nt seen her in 8 monthes her or the boys the boys are 3 and 14 monthes and Byron is havin so much fun playin with his nephews..even though he is the same age as Angela;s oldest..its funny cause her 3 year old is bigger then Byron..but I am at peace seein Angela..I miss her so much we talked alot lastnight about her dad..she was sayin how much she missed him and I told her dad is always watchin over us..her and Tina is really havin a hard time and I am tryin to be so strong for our girls but look at me I am not doing the best..but we will get through this..I have all of you and I thank God everyday for all of you Cindisue Mark, Trish and all the rest of you..don't know what I would do without you I love you guys so much your my family that really cares..well I am off I need a good cry..I pray for you all Mark please give Mar my best and my heart is always here for you my friend and You Cindisue I wish I was more like you so strong and smart I am not very smart as you can tell..and Trish My gosh I am worried about her I pray she is feelin better...I love all of you please remember that and I am so sorry for being such a pain sometimes but soon I will be better..

Love and Big Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I think your mom is out of line here. She needs to understand Cindy's feelings, not impose her own onto Cindy. Catch my drift? I think you can't visit Roger's gravesite because this is the deepest stage of grieving for you. I believe you really need to take the time just for you and Byron, and let your own heart heal now. Your mom needs to learn the stages of grief, and then let you grieve in your own way. This is YOUR time, not hers. She can grieve as a mother in law, but not as a wife. Please don't lay all your girls' pain onto your own heart. You can't carry this much sorrow, girl. If they need to talk, tell them we're all here to help you and them through this. I keep you, your children, and your grandchildren in my prayers. Please take gentle care of yourself. luv ya, hugz, me

[withani]

Mark...your song sounds like such a beautiful tribute to Mary...I'm positive that she is very pleased Music has such healing powers...I've noticed even in the dabbling I do since Gary's passing it is richer....I hope you have a peaceful weekend my friend...I will be working on the house..lots of paint for my baby boy's graduation party next weekend....love ya...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...just a short note on my way out the door to work...just want to say I love you and you are wiser than you know my dear friend. BIG HUG...love...CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Hope everyone is cruisin'along okay; I haven't posted because I don't think I have much to offer anyone. I do think of you all and send good thoughts. I feel guilty that with all the good things in my life I can't jump from this grief pit, dust myself off, and get on with my life.....I'm better when the focus is not on ME! Mark, how is Mary and are you getting any rest?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, Congrats on the graduation! I have only one left in school, then it's grandchildren to educate. Thank you for sharing your input on the song. If I try to play it, I get about two words out and cry for an hour. I have a lot of pots on the stove this weekend. I may be going near your home soon. My daughter is having problems in the home, so I may need to intervene. Please take gentle care of you, girl. You comfort and help us all, even though you hurt. I don't know how. I'm praying for ya. hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, wucha meen ya got no input!?! I think you always have a lot of great insight and wisdom. Yes, you hurt, you've been through a lot, and you're stressed. This gives you wisdom. Being unable to "get on with life" is called grieving. It wasn't that long ago, so you need to let time heal. You also need to work with those who can help you heal. I will always keep you in my prayers, sis. Our Lord loves you, and so do I. me

[jcruzgirl]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't been on here in quite a while. I have been so very sick and not myself at all. Today, actually tonight, I am finally starting to feel a little bit better. I have to go and have this "burning of my nerves" done to my back tomorrow and I can't find anyone to take me... Guess that I should know by now that I don't have any real friends here. James was the only person that I could totally count on and he is no longer here to take care of me. I am in MUCH pain and don't know what to do?? I cancelled the appointment too many times and now I am stuck. I pray that a miracle happens so that I can get the procedure done. If not, it is not meant to be??

On another note, I finally purchased a new vehicle. It is a 2004 Kia Rio. The first vehicle that I bought on my own. I pray that it lasts me for a while. I don't think that I can go and purchase another on any time soon... Now I am going to have to really save for my payments and insurance are 2 weeks worth of my pay every month. I pray that James insurance money comes in soon. I just keep on thinking, things will get better when God wants them to.

I have thought about each and everyone of you over the past couple of weeks. I have been very weak and unable to do much of anything. I try, but I get so dizzy that I feel like I am going to fall down. It is a wonder that I was able to go and purchase the vehicle at all...

Well, I hope that peace finds its way to each and everyone of you.

Love and Hugs,

Trish

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi everyone,

Seems like its been forever since I actually posted on here. I passed the 4 month mark of losing Scott on the 7th. The weekend before, I found the note that I had been searching for over the last 4 months. In it, he blames me, tells me it is my punishment/reward. The strange thing is, that I would know how to handle this if it were a living person saying it... But to read my husbands words to me... Really threw me for a loop.

Feel like I've kind of given up. Everyone I let close to me lets me down, hurts me, scars me. Doesn't seem worth it anymore. The grieving, the gut wrenching pain of being alone. Knowing that no thing or no person will ever fill the empty spot in my soul.... That's it. I've gotten the answer I was looking for. Wasn't the answer that I wanted... More of the answer I was afraid of.

Lesson learned. I did this. I wish it weren't so, but it really is.

I guess reaching a realization like this is knowing that I'm really done. I'm done feeling bad and angry.

I wish you all peace for your days.

I wish you all strength for your journeys.

Erin

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, far out! She got a new car! I'm one of those guys, and you know the type, who drives his ride til it doesn't have another kilometer in it. I'm sorry about this nerve thing, girl. If I could, I'd gladly help you. Please don't drive afterward. Please take care of yourself. I worry about you. Let us know how you're feeling after the procedure. luvz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Erin, I am so sorry you received such words. There is no way this is any part your fault, girl. This isn't your punishment or reward. It's your loss and sorrow after Scott made a choice to end his own life. Punishment presupposes guilt and responsibility. You are absolutely not responsible. Unfortunately, we are all human, and even though people may sometimes hurt others, there are some good people in our world. As for me, I'm one of those hippie Aquarias types, who doesn't want to hurt others. I'd never hurt anyone intentionally. Maybe this is annoying to some, but I like peace. I want most of all for you to heal, to feel the better things in this life, to see that some people are good and kind and loving. You've seen a lot of pain for a long time, and I'm sorry. Please don't give up. There is a better day with happiness for you. luv ya my friend, with a hug, Mark

[jcruzgirl]

Erin,

It is NOT your fault. Please stop blaming yourself. I do it all the time too, believing that if I would NOT have fallen asleep, James would be here with me. Then I think, it could have happened when I wasn't home, but it didn't, it happened just the way it did cause God wanted it this way... I don't understand why, for my final memory of James is always his laying on the floor in the fetal position. I miss him more and more every day, but I also know that he doesn't want me to sit here and blame myself or stop living because he is not here anymore. He loved me while he was here with me, I know that he loves me in Spirit as well. I just wish that I could turn back the clock and NOT go to the stupid doctor that killed him. I do blame the doctor and want this man to have his license taken away... It is all up to God what happens from here. I just wish that I could make it all better, but I can't do that either. Some how I am learning to live with this emptiness and pain that is called grief... Never thought that I could do it, but I am.

Today is James 7 month anniversary. I miss him so much right now, it is tearing me up inside. The only saving grace is that I know that he has found the peace that he so much deserves.

Hugs,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

I still have James and my T-Bird and it looks like it should be in the junk yard, but the motor is still running and good. I needed to get a better car so that I could be sure to get back and forth to work every day. I will let you know how it goes after I go in for my shots. I am in a lot of pain right now, both Mentally and Physically. Today is James 7 month anniversary. I know that he is at peace, but why can't I shake this feeling that I can't find the peace I need to move forward???? I sat, literally, all weekend just watching tv by myself. We have that Tropical Storm in our midst, not a big deal, but last year Hurricane Wilma kicked our butts. James was so strong and carried me through it. I love to watch the storm as it erupts around us, call me crazy, but I do.. The eye of a hurricane is so peaceful, you would think that nothing ever happened, then BAM the wind picks back up to take out whatever is in its way. I wish that James was here to help me through it. Last year we were without power for 3 weeks. It was horrible. We had bought a new generator, but it was stolen after James died. Some creep broke into our garage and stole it.

Take care,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

I still have James and my T-Bird and it looks like it should be in the junk yard, but the motor is still running and good. I needed to get a better car so that I could be sure to get back and forth to work every day. I will let you know how it goes after I go in for my shots. I am in a lot of pain right now, both Mentally and Physically. Today is James 7 month anniversary. I know that he is at peace, but why can't I shake this feeling that I can't find the peace I need to move forward???? I sat, literally, all weekend just watching tv by myself. We have that Tropical Storm in our midst, not a big deal, but last year Hurricane Wilma kicked our butts. James was so strong and carried me through it. I love to watch the storm as it erupts around us, call me crazy, but I do.. The eye of a hurricane is so peaceful, you would think that nothing ever happened, then BAM the wind picks back up to take out whatever is in its way. I wish that James was here to help me through it. Last year we were without power for 3 weeks. It was horrible. We had bought a new generator, but it was stolen after James died. Some creep broke into our garage and stole it.

Take care,

Trish

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi all,

It's a rough day. The house is to be appraised tomorrow, so all of Scott's guns are back in the house tonight. I'm really scared to even have them in the house. I just hate the thought of all of this. I'm getting the police report in the next day or two and from what my attorney says, it's pretty gruesome. I've asked for the autopsy and toxicology reports as well. I'm getting nailed with all of his debts, and I just really am starting to see that light at the end of tunnel looking further and further away.

Now that I know he blamed me for this, I'm in a whole new state. It's like it just happened yesterday. All of my emotions flooding back to me. I hate this. I just want to be normal and have a normal life with normal bullshit. But, alas, that was totally stripped away, on purpose at that.

I know I haven't been on for a while, and I know it's a lot to ask, but could someone, anyone, just say a special prayer to help me get through this. How do you put any value on the home that we dreamed of, the now precious clothes that he wore, all of the precious things of his, that have more value to me than any amount of money. They are my memories. How does anyone put a price tag on my memories???

Please help. I think I'm losing it. Everything seems to be spinning and I can't make it stop. Everything is moving so fast, just make it STOP!! Just for a minute. Just long enough for me to take one breath without exhaling with tears and sobs. I don't know if I can do this...

[jcruzgirl]

Erin,

You know that we will all say special prayers for you. Believe me, when I got James autopsy report back, I felt the same way you are. I blamed myself, I was asleep in our room when he died. I kept on thinking, if I would have woken up or not lied down. I don't really remember anything after finding him, well that is not true, it is all like a movie I am watching and waiting to end. Make sense??? Please, if you are afraid of the guns, don't bring them into your home. I hate the thought of you going through all of this. James and I didn't own our home, it is my parents, we paid rent to them, but I can't imagine being any place else. I feel him here with me all the time.

You did absolutely nothing to make Scott do this. He might have been angry with you, but to "blame" you is not fair to you. Please don't blame yourself my friend. It is NOT you who pulled the trigger, but himself. He made the choice, not you, please remember this. Have you had your house blessed?? I found that once ours was blessed, it was a lot more peaceful to walk through the door. It was like James needed the blessing to go to the otherside and be peaceful in spirit. He is peaceful now and I thank God for that. It doesn't make it any easier, but I pray and pray and pray every day that I will be with him soon. I know that once we pass through it is but a day till we can be with them again. I believe that Scott is upset with the way he made you feel. They don't feel the pain we do now, they can sense our reactions to the things that are happening in our lives, but they don't feel the pain or hurt that they left us with. They fill full while we feel empty without them. Sad, I know, but it is the truth.

Find some peace for yourself Erin, you can always e-mail or call me if you need to talk. I will e-mail you my phone number in case you need someone to speak with.

Hugs my friend,

Love,

Trish

[withani]

Mark thanks for the congrats on my baby boy's graduation...he is such a wonderful son and I am very proud. This week is a busy one in preparation of his party and has been good for me. Sometime soon...I'll be putting my house up for sale...I'm going to miss this place...so many memories...........................

A new adventure will be beginning and I sure wish Gary was along for the ride...

If you come anywhere near here let me know...it would be fun to have a cup of coffee and chat...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Erin...I'm so sorry to hear about the note left from Scott...please don't blame yourself...unfortunately our loved ones made choices that left us with much guilt and pain. Gary was bipolar and I wasn't sure until I received his autopsy if it was suicide...on more than one occasion he combined pain pills with alcohol and I felt it was a train wreck waiting to happen...but the autopsy said acute myocarditis..his heart gave out. I desparately tried to get him into rehab...he did join AA a couple months before passing but never quit drinking....

We blame ourselves but we don't have the control to save someone from themselves...only God does..I have found comfort in knowing this and I hope eventually you will too...

The first year has been my hardest...although I still carry around a great deal of pain I've been learning to live with it...it's been 18 months...I felt like I was going crazy...not to mention the fog I lived in...and wanting my life to end just to be with him again....

I WILL say a special prayer for you my friend...and wish for you the strength you'll need and hope you find a peaceful day...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani