Young Widowhood

[withani]

Trish...I'm very happy for you that you bought a new car on your own...woohoo!!! I hope you have the opportunity to spend some time with James family this summer...you are fortunate to keep the relationships going...please take care of yourself and have a peaceful day...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, my precious friend, I am so deeply sorry you feel such sorrow today, on the "day". Grief does horrible things to us, and you only have to look at Jenni's mom, Brenda, to see how far sorrow can push our souls. I may not have the greatest love for Brenda, but she's my daughter's mother, so her death is painful for me. Girl, there is no rhyme or reason to the pain we feel, no way to understand I'm happy you still have the T-bird, and happier still that you have a car that can get you safely and economically to work and back home. My prayers are always with you, but even so, I'm here if you need help, even if that means driving you to hospital. But just why we can't get past these feelings, even though you've been soooo brave and strong, it's because of this little thing we call love. Hon, you love James with all your heart and soul, and this is getting in the way of you progressing to other steps in the road to recovering from our sorrow. I'm a fine one to talk, I know. My wife is still with me, and I have whole days when I cry uncontrollably, sob like crazy, the whole gig. "She's close enough to perfect for me". If you need help, or just to talk to your friend, you have my numba. luv ya, with hugz. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Erin, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and thank God you have these priceless memories. Hon, if you need help, we'll try to help you with the shuffling of boxes, and all that jazz. It sounds like you have far too much on going on all at once, at too few helpers to help you get it to the next step. If you want help, you only need to ask. If you need to talk or scream or cry, please call anytime. This is what a friend does for a friend, and Erin, you are my friend. luv ya's, with hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm sorry to hear you'll be selling your home. Memories abound, I know. My shoulder is yours for gently supporting your head and drying your tears. You've always been such a priceless friend friend to me, I owe you more than this lifetime and all eternity could ever allow me time to repay you the love and kindness you've shared. Now that your son will be stepping into the adult world of bills, mean drivers, taxes, and maybe his own family someday, my prayers are with him while he starts this exciting chapter of his life. I'm planning to visit my daughter as soon as possible, so you'll be hearing from me. I look forward to visiting with you. For now, like all our other friends, who I hold so dear, you may call or write anytime you would like or need. I'm always here for you. But, tonite, I'm going to try to sleep a little. Good night, my precious friend, with a hug, me

[jcruzgirl]

Marky Mark,

I would LOVE for you to come down and take me to the hospital. I am so excited to tell you this, and I pray that I don't have a relapse, but my back pain in about a 2 now... I mean, for real!!! I have NOT had that low of pain in over a year... I am sooo excited about it. I was so nervous when they were digging those needles into my spine, but look at the outcome. I just pray that it stays. I went for the steroid injections, they did absolutely NOTHING to help me, so I pray that by allowing my MD to burn the nerves, it will be alright now. I was so excited today that I could pick things up without this lightening bolt jogging my back. I believe that I can finally catch up on some of the much needed sleep that i have lacked since James passed.

I can understand how you feel about Brenda. She is your childs mother and of course you are a forgiving man, so I can see how you can care about her. I felt horrible when James ex found out that James passed. We stay in contact via e-mail on a regular now. No hard feelings...She was his first true love and I was his second. Of course I used to wonder what she looked like or was she nice or??? I know now that she is really nice and caring. I know that she had closed the door to her and James years ago and that she was glad to see that he finally got his life in order and was living instead of surviving. She was with him when he was using back in the day. She was not a user and it caused too much trouble for their relationship. James changed, not for me, but with me. He and I had something very special, something that I know I will NEVER find again. I can't even imagine being in another relationship right now. Funny how life turns around like it does... I used to think that if only I had another day. But now I think, If I had another day, how would I ever be able to say good bye all over again. I know that you do, but just remember to cherish every moment that you have with Mary Mark. I wish that it was not so hard on you, but I can only imagine the pain you have to face each and every day. I really do appreciate you Mark and know that when I am able I will meet you in person. I am trying to get the money together to book a flight to go up to Hartford for the 4th of July. My bosses close the business for the week, so I have it off already. I only need a couple hundred for the ticket and then I can go. I really want to go up there and pay my respects to James grave. He is laughs when I say that. It is NOT him in that grave, just flesh and bones. I feel his spirit so strong right now. I know that I have this chance and pray to God to be able to make up the rest of the money to go.

Well, I have rambled on long enough. Take care and God Bless you Mark. You are one of the strongest men I know.

Love and Hugs to both you and Mary,

Tricia Ann

[jcruzgirl]

CindiSue,

I am so sorry that you are having to sell your home. I know that it is not going to be easy, but GOD has other plans for you my friend. I am very excited about your baby's graduation. James son graduates next year. I can't wait. I am definately going to go up for that one. He lives in Tampa, only 3 hours from me. James mom and sister and possibly his father are going to be coming here to stay with me and we will all drive up together. That will be a fun trip.

Thank you on the congrats on the car. I am so relieved that I finally have good transportation to and from work. It is like this HEAVY burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have been feeling so good, all day long due to it!!!!!

We are very busy at work right now. It is always like this. Since we close down for the week of the 4th of July, we get extremely busy as all of the designers want to get their word done prior to our vacation. Silly how they wait... Oh well, we do this every year, so it is not like it is a shock to any of them...

Well my friend, thank you for your moral support. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. I am here for you if when and if you need me.

Hugs and Love,

Tricia Ann

[withani]

Mark and Trish...thank you both for your support...it throws me in a tailspin to think I won't be living in this home...I've lived here the past 13 years. Bought it after I divorced my husband and then met Gary 3 months later...we did so many improvements together here. I'm going to miss this place...I try not to let the emotion of it take me over but it's the first house I've ever had that felt like home....

Maybe I need this in order for me to grow...I wish I had a preview of THE PLAN...it's kinda scary...

I hope you both have a peaceful day....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I wish I were able to be working again, so I could add to your household income and let you keep your home. Home is important, whether you live in a palace or a tent. Take each step of this stressful time one at a time, girl. I'm always praying for you. Sorry I haven't been here lately, but migraines get miserable. I'm a little better, but I can't be here long. The light of the monitor is terrible. If this can help you any, I've lived in ditches, abandoned cars, my girlfriend and I had a townhouse in Ottawa, and my wife picked what we have now. No matter where it is, what it is, it's home, because love makes it special. Have a sweet day, and I'll talk with you tomorrow night (unless this headache takes off again). luv ya, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I want to cry for happiness that you finally have so little pain. Yippee!!!!! Oh, can this get any better? Oh, yeah. You can fly up here and have a great trip. If you get a chance to get into NY, email me, and I'll give you destructions to my place. I'm going to most likely spend the fourth on the lake with my boys. After the holiday, I think I'm going to try a trip out to see my grandson. Lately, my wife and I have enjoyed a little time for us. I'm getting a lot more headaches, migraines and stress, so she's been sitting with me while I suffer. Ain't she sweet? I call it love. Seriously, I'm praying you stay well, but if for some reason (you try break dancing or ???) it worsens, I'll gladly help you get to hospital for the treatment you need. Take good care of you, girl. I'll talk soon. luv ya, hugz, Me

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

Nope, no break dancing for me. I can barely walk today. Yep, the PAIN IS BACK!!!! I am crying just thinking about it. It surely sucks to have this stupid pain in my back, but I guess that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I wish that I could come visit you, but at this point of the game, the tickets are way too expensive and looks like I won't be able to make it. I will be spending the 4th of July crying remembering James and I last year. He had promised to take me to see some fireworks and that is EXACTLY what we did. I miss him so very much.

I am so sorry that you are having such horrible migranes. I remember my brother having them when we were younger. I have had a duzzy lately too, but I think that it has to do with my back, not my head. Maybe not???? I don't know, but I do know that nothing takes the pain away anymore. I am giving up. I have some pain meds but they really don't work, so I don't know what else to do. I know what Love is and believe me, you are truly blessed, even though it may not always feel that way, to have that love. I know that I would do anything to be able to have love in my life again. I just know that I am not here to have love like I have experienced with James. No one will ever compare to James for me. It is NOT fair of me to even think that there is another just like him out there. I decided to live the single life from now on. I know that we are all here for a reason and my reason is to suffer as much as possible. THIS is my life and I am learning to just be here... That sounds bad, but it is what it is.

I went to church tonight and prayed for us all. I pray that we can all find some peace today, as we only have today, tomorrow may not be ours...

Love and hugs,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

CindiSue,

You are right, it is a growing lesson. That is what life is lessons to help us grow and achieve what we are here to do. Amazing how it all plays out. I too wish that I could see what is in my future, but unfortunatly it is NOT up to me. I know that it would be nice if it were.

I was sitting with James best friend, Harry, today. He used to live with James and I. He and James were like brothers. They did so much together. I know that James really took care of Harry and was always there for him. Harry really misses James and I know his pain. I loved having him here today. He moved away and lives across the state now, but he is coming back over tomorrow. I can't wait. He is one of the good guys. He has a really nice wife and beautiful children. I think that his wife was upset that he was here with me today, but he always acts like a brother to me and has been here all the way before, during and after James died. He spent the nights after James died with me. He held me up and watched me fall apart when James passed. I need to stop now for I am turning into a puddle of mess...

I love you and am glad to have you in my life.

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm sorry you have this pain. . . again. . . yet. If anyone suggests a replacement of the disk, run away. If you want more, I'll email or call you with it. Um, you do know that many marriages are not built on love, but mistrust and control? Keep your eyes open, and don't let anything create a problem for a friend. Don't feel like love is a forever gone thing. I may not be a great one to talk here, because I get so depressed lately over what is ahead, and by losing Jenni too. I've lived most of my adult life content and happy. Now, I feel like someone yanked the block out from under my wheels, and I'm rolling down a mountainside (have you ever seen a wheelchair careening down a mountainside? they don't just roll on the tires, but on the turkey sitting on the seat too). Live today, and be yourself. I think this is a pretty fantastic person to be - yourself. There will be happiness, but you'll need to deal with this current issue called sorrow. As you face each aspect of grieving, you'll learn more about yourself as you are today, not who you were ten years ago. You'll begin to redefine your emotions for the future. Love, happiness, contentment will come to you, but maybe today you need to deal with sorrow more deeply. This is why we're here, to help each other and care. You always have a friend here. luvz, hugz, Me

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

I have never seen a while chair careening off of a cliff!!! Or down a hillside and I pray for the person that happens to... I used to have this friend that was in an automobile accident. It left his paralyzed below his waist. He became very strong and started doing wheelchair racing and played basketball. He was very good at it. A natural athlete. I am so sorry that you too have to go through all of this pain and torture. I used to believe that God had it out for me. Now I just know that he only gives me as much as I can handle and try to be content with that. I wish for me, but settle for less.

As for me finding love again, I don't know. For today, I don't have to think about it and I am thankful for that.

Take care and many hugs back at cha.

Love,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

Do you read the bible??? Job came back to me from the bible just now. I think that it is a sign that I need to go back and reread it. It is one of my favorite books in the bible.

XOXOXO

TJ:

[aprilsmom]

On Job- such a lesson for me; the Lord stipped Job of EVERYTHING. I think about us - God ALLOWED, PERMITTED our lives to be tangled in this sorrow. My friend reminded me not to DOUBT saying, "Renee, DO NOT Doubt that God is still in control and that you are going to hold that baby of yours again, and what a reunion it is going to be". Hearing that helped alot, sometimes we need to be reminded, even in the midst of missing them! Love you all - Happy Father's Day Mark. R-

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, merci beau coup, mon ami. God is in control, girl! Who created the destructive power behind the atomic bomb? Who created a tornado? Who created a baby? He doesn't speak in a hurricane, but in a whisper. It's up to us, like old Job, to learn the fine art of listening. I'm praying for you. luv ya Christian sis, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, it's time to read, hon. I won't say anything of how or why or who is the manifestation, but if God tells you by such a means to read His book, read. God isn't a cosmic killjoy. He isn't trying to make us all miserable. We do this well enough on our own. This is from my experience in ministry. Please don't let the pain I feel get you down. I do have pain from this illness, but it's managed well with meds, and stays at a constant. My poor wife, on the other hand, is sliding down the side of a mountain of pain, which has no bottom, and there's no way to stop the pain, or the fact that it's always worsening. But, God is powerful, and healing. I believe He wouldn't let her have this illness without strength to endure or a miracle to heal. I believe this. talk with ya soon. luv ya, hugz, me

[withani]

Mark and Trish...you BOTH ARE SO KIND and I am fortunate to call you both my friends. Thanks for the support when I whine about moving...it DOES help to hear one step at a time Mark.

Whew...what a weekend...I had my youngest son's graduation party which was a lot of fun...many musicians here and we sang on my deck until the wee hours of the night...then Sunday morning my daughter went into labor and I had grandson #2. I took two days vacation so I could run around with Peanut which always does a body good...

Again...thanks for all you do...I hope Mark and Trish that you both had some peace over the weekend...I love you both!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, Yippee! Grandson #2! This is so cool, I think we should all celebrate for you, your daughter, and your new grandson. This may not be what your son had in mind for a graduation party, but he'll be telling this story for years and years. So, who had more fun? You or Peanut? My home has been starting into those little summer "projects", like painting, wallpaper, and this year, new flooring for the living room. My sweetie spends a lot of time in that room, so I want it to look nice. This weekend, we hope to go to the lake, but also get to the back deck for a barbie too. We've been watching my wife closely, cuz her doctor increased her meds this week. At this rate, we'll hit the maximum dose by next year. I'll write later on to explain the next round of meds, which are literally life or death, meaning they have the potential of taking her life. For now, I need to conference with the neurology team to determine what is safest, what is most effective, and what will keep her with me longest. More on this later. Remember, friend isn't a one way street, or even a two way street, but a couch for sharing the fun stories of life and for comforably resting on each other's shouders when the tears start. I'm fortunate to be your friend, blessed and happy. love ya, hugs, Me

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone so sorry I have'nt been around I been so busy with Byron he has been sick a whole lot with anything frim sinus problems to his heart gettin out of beat..just found out he has autism another thing to worry about.. but he is my angel..just seems like so much work lately..Idon'tknow if any of you know about anyone with autism but if you know anything you could tell em about it would be great..inda read what was going on with everyone wow Cindisue another grandson..I am so happy for you girlfriend..yesss I'll bet he looks adorable..like your other grandson..pround grandma u must be..Mark my dear friend..how is Mary?? is she in less pain oh how I hope she is..as formyself I am off drugs now I only takepain medswhen I need it..I am still ver much anemic and I have lost alot of weight the doctor wantsmeto gain alittle.. but with everything I have went through its hard to eat sometimes..I think of you and Mary often...Trish my sweet sweet friend..I hear your in pain is it your back?? I am prayin for you how are things with you do you still feel James with you??I am starting to feel Roger around me more and more..I don't know if yo have heard anything that if Maybe Roger is commin through to you and James anymore or not..I am curious..I miss himsomuch..it will be 2 years Aug the 1st..hard to believe..well everyone I will be around more to see ya all..I miss each and everyone of you soch and love you all..again Cindisue I am so thrilled over your new grandbaby...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[withani]

Mark...it's kinda a debate who has the most fun Peanut when he's with me or I with Peanut...such a special child. I almost bought him a t-shirt the other day that said "What Happens at Nanna's Stay's at Nanna's"...lol...I didn't like the quality of the shirt so I'm going to have one made. Are you familar with the song "Lightning Crashed"...it's about a baby born in the hospital at the same time a woman is passing??? I kept thinking about that song all day when my new grandson Jonte' was born. The circle of life..............amazing.

I'm glad to hear you are preparing your home by summer chores as well as thinking about cooking on the barbie. I love this time of year! I'm glad you are keeping close tabs on Mary's meds and it's a family thing. If this past year and half has taught me anything...it's how fortunate we are to have family and friends. I am blessed to have you as a friend as well. The support I receive here makes me tear up...I thank my lucky stars I came across this web site and all of you!

Have a peaceful weekend my friend...I'm going to a festival this evening and am looking forward to it for a change.

Love and hugs...CindiSue

[withani]

CindySue...thanks for the congratulations about the new grandson...he of course..is BEAUTIFUL!!!!

I work with autistic children...2 and 3 year olds...just keep in mind connecting with your child is VERY IMPORTANT!!! He is your lil' angel and you two have such a special bond...enjoy!!! Having a new grandchild I'm starting to appreciate more the Circle of Life...although I wish Gary could share it with me physically...I know he's with me spiritually as Roger is with YOU!!!

Have a peaceful weekend my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[jcruzgirl]

CindiSue,

Congrats on the new grandson!!! Truly what a blessing!!! I have been talking with my 16 month old niece a lot on the phone lately. She is such a little doll and smart!!!! I just love her. She plays with my mom's cellie and knows that if she push's 1 and talk it rings to her auntie. Needless to say I get these little calls "hi mommy daddy, bubbye.." and I know it is her. Of course she also is saying "tank u" I love it!!!!! I really am missing her growing up living so far away, but I still spoil her from down here. She LOVES books, really tries to read them, or so my mother says, I just sent her 4 new ones to look through. I found a really great deal on some Disney books down here so started a collection for her. Mom says that when they told her to go get her Cinderella book, she came back with the right one. Lucky guess??? She stays with my parents many days and a few nights. My brother and sister in law both work so mom and dad babysit. I wish that I could spend more time with her. I thought about going up for the 4th of July. But I have been wanting to go up to Connecticut too, and decided CT for the 4th and WI for Christmas. That is unless my family decides to do Christmas Florida style. It has been a long time, but we used to do it just that way!!!

Congrats again!!

Hugs and Love,

Tricia Ann

[jcruzgirl]

Mark,

My back pain is getting so bad that I just want to go ahead and have surgery. I think that it is time to go and get another opinion. I might try to do this up in CT. My sister in law works in a hospital, so I think that I might have her have a doctor look over my MRI's. I have 3 of them with in the past 12 months. None of them show any improvement. After the automobile accident my neck now has a bulging disk as well. SUCKS. Leaves me with LOTS of headaches and no pain meds take the pain totally away.... KNOW what I mean???

I agree that it is time to go and reread the bible. I love to read it and used to read parts of it to James. I don't know when or why I stopped, but i do know that it was after James was buried and I started to grieve the hardest. I probably should have picked up it even more at that point, but....

Any way, I wish that there was something that I could do to help Mary. I know it is so difficult for you to watch your beautiful sweet wife go through this pain every day. I can't imagine, but I do pray for her peace and at least a little relief from the pain that she is in.

Love to you and Mary both,

Tricia Ann

[jcruzgirl]

I am finding myself very irritated today. I had a friend come to me and asked me to help her. She said that her roommate and she were not getting along and that her roommate was moving out and she couldn't afford to live in her apartment alone. I can understand, as rentals in Palm Beach are very expensive. She wanted to move in with me and pay me rent until she could find a new roommate and place to move into. I am always a softy and help others out. I feel guilty when they ask me for something that I can't do for them. Well, I told her alright. Then she calls me a while later and says, ok, yeah that will work, but could you ask Ken to move out into the back room??? I said, "NO" Ken has been here for quite a while and if you need a place for a short time until you find a roommate, there is NO WAY that I am going to ask him to move his things into another room. She keeps on saying, Please, just ask him tell him to move out so I can move in. I again said "NO." This is when it hit me, she wants to live here and she would be wanting to have her boyfriends come over, I don't know these men and I do NOT allow people that I don't know into my home. I have already had that discussion with Ken and he knows that there are not to be any people in my home, unless I approve first. It might sound harsh, but it is my home and my belongings and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the front door is... He only has things in his room. I have been robbed already, I will NOT loose more things because someone comes into my home that I do not know. Any way, I hung up and just got this feeling that it was NOT going to be a good idea, so I called her back and told her that Franky is coming down in another week and I apologize, but I just don't have the room. I felt relief as soon as I called. Of course I am sure that she is upset with me, but hey, it is my life and I call the shots.

Then I had a "friend" ask me to e-mail her, so I did. Then I saw that she was online a little while later, so I IM'd her. She never wrote me back. I am so tired of people asking me to do for them, but they don't have the curtesy to acknowledge that I exist. I am done.

I am a very caring person and when someone needs my help, I am always going out of my way to help them. Then to get snubbed, I just don't feel I need people like this in my life anyone. We all have busy hectic lives, yet I try to always find the time to help those that are in need. I have always been like that. I give and give and give of myself and rarely does anyone ever give back. Guess that I would feel guilty taking back. I have a very hard time asking for help, as I really don't have many that I can count on.

Well, thanks for letting me vent. I thank GOD that I have you all here to vent to. I don't expect answers, just needed time to talk it out and I am blessed to have all of you to listen.

Love you all,

Hugs,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I think I'm in shock, speechless, for Byron. He's such an adorable little guy, and neither of you need any more things to deal with. Hon, please, please, please, take care of your anemia. I don't want you getting sick from it again. I found a direct link between my anemia and my migraine headaches (go figure). Even my doctors are baffled by this one, but it's there. Mary is still hanging on, but. . . We've increased the meds, again, hoping they'd help. My prayers are always with you both. love you both, with lotsa hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, (sorry about the y thing last night - oops). I love that shirt. I think it's befitting. hehehe. Grandparents aren't mischievious, are we? I'm so fortunate we're friends. You're so wise (contrasting me, um, well, skip it). Even though I've boohooed over my own impending loss, struggled to bring it all to terms way before its time (like drinking wine at a vintage of two days), you're so very right; I'm the luckiest man alive to spend this life with her. We have the most beautiful family, our children and grandson, our siblings, nephews and nieces, and my wife's parents whom I adore. luv ya, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, about the pain, I know doctors, so if there's a time we can talk by IM or fon, it may be profitable. Yeah, it's time to read, and this is always where good things happen (no, I don't mean, "and Judas hanged himself"). I know, I'm a brat. Now, about your home. It's YOUR home. Use a big boot, and kick. Take a stand, and don't back down. If they don't like that you treat your home like your own castle and sanctuary, it's their issue, not yours. It's still your home. Yes, you're caring, and this is just who our sweet Trish is. This is the Trish we all love. But, us here also love the Trish who don't let (censored) into her home. luv ya, hugs, Me

[cindysue]

HeyEveryone..I will take better care of myself I need to for Byron..just so much for me to grasp..seems like poor little Byron has so much wrong and stuff to deal with it just is'nt fair he is so innocent and so sweet..right now he has such bad behavor problems sometimes he just won't listen to me I believe he can't understand what I am tryin to say to him..he is so sweet though he loves watchin sesame street he just loves Elmo ..lol..and the cookie monster..the problem is he thinks everytime he eats acookie he can hog it down like the cookie monster and hestuffs it in his mouth and go's mmmm yummu cooookie..and makes anoise..lol..its cute but I am afraid he will choke..he does haveproblems eating now too he chokes very easy..and now I have to watch himclosly while he eats..or he will choke..he makes me laugh alot lately with his cute little things he does..and I have'nt laughed since Roger died..but now I am finally starting to feel more at peace..to know Roger is around me and watchin over me makes my day I will always love him..Always..but am finally ready to let go I will never forget him I just won't make myself sick anymore missin him I will always miss him but realize no matter how much I wish nothing will bring my love back..so I am learning to be happy again..gettin off all the drugs has helped me to understand things more..and right now Byron will be my main focus he has alot of disabilities but he is still here and as loving as any little boy could be..I love watchin him dance he will go look mommy I dance..he still has problems forming sentences and talkin the best but my little guy really tries and bless his heart he gets so frustrated when I don't know what he is sayin and he will start cryin cause I don't..well anyways..Mark thankyou for the sweet message..Mary is always in my thought as you are your the sweetest Mark my dear sweet friend..I think the world of you and Mary.and love u much...stay sweet.. Cindisue..how is that adorable little grandbaby..bet its hard to put him down..hehehe..you just wanna spoil them to death..but give them grandbabies akiss for me..love u girlfriend..and Trish..so many thanks for you for that email..what you had to say to me bought alot of tears and happiness at the same time..I love u for doing this for me..thanks my sweet friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and baby Byron(cookiemonster)hehe thats who he thinks he is..he loves his elmo and cookie monster..lol

[withani]

Mark...Trish and CindySue...

Mark...you're so funny...God knows we need more of that here to bring a smile to our faces...I hope you're off to a decent summer week...my thoughts and prayers are with you my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Trish...sounds like you did the right thing with your friend wanting to move in..gee..I'm so sick of people with hidden agendas..aren't you??!!! I'm happy to call you my friend..thanks for the congrats on the grandson love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

CindySue...I'm so HAPPY you're backing off medications!!! Woohoo!!!! Bryon is fortunate to have such a loving mother as yourself...you both are truly blessed...thanks for the congrats on the new grandson...love and hugs...CindySUe/Withani

It seems these days I feel fortunate and blessed for family and friends but particularly to the three of you I feel a connectedness which I don't feel with anyone else...thanks for always being here...I love you all!!!!!

[aprilsmom]

It is so good to hear you sounding well Cindysue! And Cindisue-you are so lucky to have a new grandbaby; I can not wait, my oldest daughter has been trying for over a year. New life is just what this family needs. Mark, I think about you daily and pray for your strength.....I really COULD NOT do what you are doing, I respect you so much. My husband and I took a trip over the weekend to a wedding and I realized I forgot how to have fun. I would normally have laid by the pool, had a few cocktails, gambled some but all I did was read and sleep. Maybe I'm getting old; I just want to sit in my yard and find some peace to start each day with. It feels good when I actually take the time to do that. Trish, I hope you're going to explore having the surgery. My youngest daughter went through a major back surgery and it was so WORTH it; getting out of pain. I was a nervous wreck, 9 days in the hospital, but everything turned out really well for her. She can even snowboard and stuff we thought she'd never do again. I hope it works out. Take Care, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, okay sweetheart, you need to set priorities for each day, for each meal, for each hour, and so on. You'll get into the swing of this with Byron. You'll also find that structure will help him stay in tune with his own world now. It will help him learn, understand, and who knows, maybe even tell time and other things. But, you must set up structure and priorities. You will need to set up the material things for Byron, too. Call this number, 1-800-772-1213. It's the Social Security Disability number. They'll make you jump through a few hoops like a french poodle, then talk to someone who can barely speak English (don't ask for immigration status). Then they'll give you an appointment at the local office for disability bennies. GO! Byron needs all the help you can give him. We may think a few dollars from disability won't be much help, but it's a lot of help, when we think of the bills, but he's going to need unusual things we aren't thinking of at the moment. So, we need to get him set up with disability bennies now. This will help him get through his journey of life. You have such a precious little boy, hon. I am sure he gets this from his mommy. Thanks for thinking of us, girl. We're still kicking about. My sweetie isn't having a good summer. We've increased her methadone dosage, so now we wait to see if it will help. She also has another bout of celulitis, and this time it's very bad, very painful. Poor sweetheart. She's suffering so much with it. Love you, my sweet friend, and always praying for you both. big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, you didn't mention the surgery, otherwise I'd have been praying like crazy, and maybe I'd have sent her flowers (and candy???). I'm happy to hear she's doing well. Stress is now over for her. This is good. She's a great kid, and she's blessed with a pretty terrific mom. Whatcha mean, the things I'm doing? Kiddo, I'm succeeding at being a total failure right now. I mean it. The stress of her illness has built up on me so much that I've begun to crack (crack up???). Things are happening that I'm not proud of, things I not only don't normally do, but just plain don't do. I was talking with my daughter about going back on the road, and she thinks I should. When her step mom goes into a nursing home permanently, I'm going back on the road. Last night, a driver and I talked for about an hour about the company he's signed with, and it sounded good enough to make me want to call management. The idea of this is more than work, it's stress reduction (but you know this already). Get some rest, girl. I'm praying for you, and aaaaaaaaaaaalllll of yours. luvz, yer Christian brother from the east, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

C I, a little giggle, a little smile, a little hope. I only have one grandson, you have two. How many giggles and smiles do you have more than me? Then again, I'm the class clown??? I use comedy for stress reduction??? Have a sweet week, my dear friend. love you, hugs, Me

[cindysue]

Everyone I have some very bad new.. what else can happen..well Byron got out while I was sleepin this mornin..and got on the road..this was like 7:30am and I had no idea he got out he unlocked the front door and slipped out someone saw him and reported it to the police...Byron must have got scared he came home and went in my room and woke me up at that time I still did'nt know he got out till the cop came pounding at my door tellin me my little boy was out in the road..the cops reported this to family services and now I am being charged with child endangering and child neglect.. they are commin back thursday to seve me the papers and they said..I might lose Byron I don't know I can't stop cryin now..just when I thought everything was going good..somehow Byron got out so now I have a lock I just put on he can't get unlocked but now I am afraid I lost my angel..what am I gonna do my heart is broke I can't lose him too..maybe I should'nt broadcast this but I have nothing to hide...and you all are my dear friends..and stuipd me slept longer then my orginal 7am..and he happen to get up earlier then I thought..I thank God he did'nt get hit by a car or someone did'nt steal him..I love my baby so much..I pray so hard I don't lose him over this..I would never ever let him play out alone..without me..I am so so stupid I could hate myself right now for over sleepin I can't believe I may lose my Byron..the detective wanted to take him today and I litterly begged him please don't take my baby..he said I will be back Thursday with the summons..and we will see what to do then..I probably will have to go to court Friday..please pray I don't lose my baby..I am so depressed I lost Roger I can't lose my little guy too I love him so much and he needs me..I will let you all knwo whats happens..I hope you all don't bad of me..cause right now I feel like the worst parent alive..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[withani]

Renee...yes new life here is exactly what the doctor ordered...it's given me more time with my first grandson Peanut who is 2 1/2...he and my daughter lived with me the first 1 1/2 years of his life and we are very close. I wish your daughter the best and believe me grandparenting is the greatest!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...teehee...comedy is a wonderful stress reduction. I use it as well. Between the now TWO grandsons and the children at school they are all giving me reasons to smile. You'll appreciate this...today at school we had a tornado drill and one of my lil' angels looked up at me wide eyed in the hallway and said "Miss Cindi..are we having a Tomatoe Drill"??? Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...Oh My!!!! Thank GOD nothing happened to Bryon while he was out...please try to stay calm...the papers may just be a hearing for you to show just cause why Bryon should remain in the home and you need to be totally together for this girlfriend. If it's required that he be removed from the home temporarily maybe a family member will speak up and allow him to stay there. The courts WANT him to be with his mother...I will pray for the two of you that this is just a warning...we love you CindySue...please take care...love and hugs...CindiSUe/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, please try to keep yourself calm, hon. They will send someone to check things out, to make sure you have proper locks on your doors, that sort of thing. He was diagnosed with autism, so this may play into this some, but I'm not sure. These precious children have an ability to figure out locks at an early age, and there's no way for parents to keep guard all day and night. I know you must be under a lot of stress every day, but this is just plain stupid. If you can get an attorney to help you, do it. You have been given the perfect child, girl. God allowed his little heart to have a problem for some reason, maybe so He could heal Byron (I don't know). Just take each precious moment with him, and if you need to install locks higher up on the doors, I'd even be willing to help with that task for you. Oh, what's a friend for? If you need anything, just yell. I'm always here, okay. luv ya's, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, Had I used your "tomato drill", maybe I wouldn't have dropped it into the intake manifold on my engine??? Now I'm doing a total teardown, and just for a stupid little drill bit that broke (it's somewhere in one of the cylinders - I'm such a lucky duck). I feel so badly for Cindy. She's been through so much, and has been too dear a friend for such bad things to happen to her. Take care of you, my friend, and keep having fun with all the little ones. Talk more tomorrow night. luvs, me

[cindysue]

Oh Gosh Everyone thankyou for the kind words but I am so scared..I don't wanna lose him I can't eat or sleep..what am I gonna do if I lose my baby over this....I never got in trouble before..but the detective and the lady from the dept of human services made me feel like the worst parent..I told them he never done this before..he was yellin at me sayin how could you let a 3 year old play on a busy street like that ..he almost got hit several times..I shake when I think what could have happened..to him..well thursday tomorow I will be givin the summons to appear in front of the judge..if they do take him Tina said she would take him or Angela will..but I pray they don't take him away from me..my life will be over if they do that..I wish I could stop cryin but can't..well I need to check on Byron..I pray this is'nt his last night with me.. thankyou my dear friends..for not hating me..cause right now I hate myself so much..I love you all so much..will let you all know what happens..

Love you Much,

Cindy And Baby Byron..

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, please know that we've been praying our hearts out for you. What's going on, hon. We're all very worried for you. I wish Mary and I were a little closer, so we could help you more. Take care of yourself, hon. love you, Me and my honey

[cindysue]

Well, The dept of Human Services were down with the detective..and they served me a summons to appear in court July 5th at 10am..they got me for child neglect and child endargerment. I am really terrified of losing my baby I m a nervous wreak..this is'nt fair I woud never ever let him play out by himself I tryed to explain this to the dept of human services and the seargent but seems like I was talkin to the wall specially with the detective..he kept tellin me accourding to his report Byron almost got hit by several cars..and he said someone must have been wtachin over him cause he was that close of being hit and killed..the thought if this makes me so sick that my baby almost died cause of me sleepin but who would have thought he would have gotten up that early..but he did and now I gotta pay the price and I will....I just thank God everyday for Byron being safe and not gettin hit by any cars..I am so scared of what will happen..if I lose him I will lose it..but I gotta pray or beg the judge please just don't take him from me I love him way to much and can't live without him..when is my luck ever gonna change?? maybe someday things will finally look up for me..but till then I will pray..thankyou Cindisue< Mark, and Trish for all your kindness and Love and support..I really need that now..I love you all so very much..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy And Byron

[jcruzgirl]

CindySue,

I am so sorry to hear about DCF coming for you about Byron. This has to be such a difficult thing to do. James daughters sister is Autistic and I know that she is a very sweet child. When did you take him to a neuro-psychologist to determine this??? What made you take him? Was it recommended by his primary care physician? Does this have anything to do with his heart condition? I forget, what is his heart condition called?? I do know that Austistic children, in general, are not social children, I am surprised that Byron would be diagnosed with austism cause you say that he is so social with his nephews. Do you know what degree of Austism he has?? Austism does have so many spectrums, just curious as to his. There is PDD, PDDNOS, & Asperberger (spelling?) Syndrome. I thought that you had mentioned earlier that Byron was ADD, was that misdiagnosed??? I am just so shocked with all that is going on right now. You have had so much going on in your life. I so sorry that you have had to deal with it all. I thank God that your daughters are willing to take Byron incase things should get messy in court. Did they have him when you were in the hospital too?? Or did your mom take him at that point? Which hospital did you have to go to when you were admitted?? I sure hope that your Iron is better since the transfusion. I know that when I had a transfusion, I only got to spend a few hours in the hospital.

I really hope and pray that things all work out for you with DCF and the hearing. You will be in my prayers.

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, please don't beat yourself up over this, hon. You are a great mommy to all your children. If I didn't honestly think this, I'd never say it. You need to get things sorted for a presentation for the hearing. It's not usually in the court's best interest to remove a child from a parent, especially when there has been a death of one of the parents. Byron also has health issues necessitating your personal touch. The expense of outside care would be staggering, and only a fool would remove him from you. I'd sooner say they will assign a caseworker to you so you have assistance with childcare, getting things done around the house such as replacing locks (I'm willing to volunteer for the job, as long as you get the right locks that your adorable little guy can't figure out. Autistic children have an ability with locks, for some reason, or at least this was my ex fiance's experience in Canada (she was a supervisor in a group home). Please try to take extra good care of yourself, okay. I'm worried about you, hon. I'm also praying for you like crazy. luv ya both, with big hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Trish! It sounds like you know a bunch about this stuff going on with Byron. I have a feeling that if you and my wife and Cindy could all sit and talk, it would help a lot. So, beyond this, are you doing okay, kiddo? I hope you're all packed and ready for your trip. When it comes to packing, I'm one who likes to slowly, carefully pack everything with precision. My daughter, on the other hand, waits til the night before her flight, throws it all together, leaves half of everything behind, and wonders why Dad shipped her Christmas gifts UPS after her visit. hehehe. Hope you have a fun weekend, and get to spoil Trish a little bit. luvz, hugz, Me

[jcruzgirl]

Not that I know so much, but I asked a friend about it and she told me a lot.. I wish that CindySue would be able to find a break through all of this. I feel like things just happen for a reason, but boy, do they ever happen to her. I wish that Mary, Cindy and I could all sit down and chat. That would be wonderful.

I am not only all packed and ready, I am so looking forward to going. I have to get through today and then I can finally go!!!! I usually try to get things organized cause I HATE to do things at the last minute. I too would forget a lot if I did, and have.

I am so tired, but I just woke up from a visit from my love. I was so thrilled, I had to get up and write it in my dream journal. BUT as I started to write it was like my memory took a turn and it was gone, all except the fact that he was with me!!! I had gotten down and prayed for a visit last night and got just that. Aah, the power of PRAYER!!!!

Take care and I do hope things are well with you. I was so busy reading what was going on with Cindy Sue and so concerned that I have to go back and re-read everyone else's posts!!! Seems like the days are so short lately, of course getting ready to go has taken up a lot of my time!!

Love to you and Mary,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Not that I know so much, but I asked a friend about it and she told me a lot.. I wish that CindySue would be able to find a break through all of this. I feel like things just happen for a reason, but boy, do they ever happen to her. I wish that Mary, Cindy and I could all sit down and chat. That would be wonderful.

I am not only all packed and ready, I am so looking forward to going. I have to get through today and then I can finally go!!!! I usually try to get things organized cause I HATE to do things at the last minute. I too would forget a lot if I did, and have.

I am so tired, but I just woke up from a visit from my love. I was so thrilled, I had to get up and write it in my dream journal. BUT as I started to write it was like my memory took a turn and it was gone, all except the fact that he was with me!!! I had gotten down and prayed for a visit last night and got just that. Aah, the power of PRAYER!!!!

Take care and I do hope things are well with you. I was so busy reading what was going on with Cindy Sue and so concerned that I have to go back and re-read everyone else's posts!!! Seems like the days are so short lately, of course getting ready to go has taken up a lot of my time!!

Love to you and Mary,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Not that I know so much, but I asked a friend about it and she told me a lot.. I wish that CindySue would be able to find a break through all of this. I feel like things just happen for a reason, but boy, do they ever happen to her. I wish that Mary, Cindy and I could all sit down and chat. That would be wonderful.

I am not only all packed and ready, I am so looking forward to going. I have to get through today and then I can finally go!!!! I usually try to get things organized cause I HATE to do things at the last minute. I too would forget a lot if I did, and have.

I am so tired, but I just woke up from a visit from my love. I was so thrilled, I had to get up and write it in my dream journal. BUT as I started to write it was like my memory took a turn and it was gone, all except the fact that he was with me!!! I had gotten down and prayed for a visit last night and got just that. Aah, the power of PRAYER!!!!

Take care and I do hope things are well with you. I was so busy reading what was going on with Cindy Sue and so concerned that I have to go back and re-read everyone else's posts!!! Seems like the days are so short lately, of course getting ready to go has taken up a lot of my time!!

Love to you and Mary,

Trish

[withani]

CindySue...I'm praying for you girlfriend and I'm POSITIVE all will work out. Just remember baby steps...keep focusing on what you CAN DO and try to conquer each one at your pace. Fortunately Bryon's autisim diagnosis has come at a very early age. I have many autistic 2 and 3 year olds in my class and behavior modification has been the most successful tool for us. Keep "connecting" with Bryon. I hate to be so clique' but if God brings you to it...he'll bring you through it....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani