Jump to content

Young Widowhood


sunshinebamagirl

Recommended Posts

  • Members
sunshinebamagirl

Hello everyone! I lost my husband of 6 years 5 months ago to a tragic head on collision that wasn't his fault, we have a 2 year old son and Jerry wass 27 when he died I am 23. I thought my story was so tragic (an it is ) But man you women are so awsome because reading your storys is helping me take steps toward the fact that I am not alone and I want to thank all of you wonderful women for helping me realize that. Until this month My mind rejected the fact that Jerry is gone. I actually was in shock till this point because that night I went looking for him and found the accident. So it is a nightmare for me I shake I stutter and I forget everything! But Thank the Lord I found this site because Hearing you ladies is helping me realize that I will eventually be ok.

So again thank you so much and you all are in my parayers:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 1.9k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members
Hello everyone! I lost my husband of 6 years 5 months ago to a tragic head on collision that wasn't his fault, we have a 2 year old son and Jerry wass 27 when he died I am 23. I thought my story was so tragic (an it is ) But man you women are so awsome because reading your storys is helping me take steps toward the fact that I am not alone and I want to thank all of you wonderful women for helping me realize that. Until this month My mind rejected the fact that Jerry is gone. I actually was in shock till this point because that night I went looking for him and found the accident. So it is a nightmare for me I shake I stutter and I forget everything! But Thank the Lord I found this site because Hearing you ladies is helping me realize that I will eventually be ok.

So again thank you so much and you all are in my parayers:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just lost my children's father to Cancer. We found out he had it only a week and a half ago. He was 27 When he died on January 16, 2005. Him and I were seperated but that doesn't change anything. We loved and cared for eachother very much. I've had him in my life for the past 11 yrs. and am not quite sure how to travel the path ahead without him. I know the lord will shine light and the way for me though. I just want you to know that i know how you are feeling. I had a dream the other night that i was driving around town looking for Brian and i could not find him anywhere, i felt so empty and when i woke up to realize that he was gone, i felt even emptier. When i look at my kids, i cry to think about how very much he loved them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
sunshinebamagirl

I'm sorry to hear about your spouse, I have a 2 year old so i can relate on how hard it is. Also 2 months after my husband died i also had dreams and mine was i was chasing him up a hill and no matter how fast i ran he kept getting further and further away till i couldn't run anymore and he had disapeared.

Like you said there is life after the loss of a loved one but i wonder how long it's been 5 months and the shock just wore off that he is gone I was in denial for 5 months and i am so scared of living life without him he is all i know he was my first love. So I will pray for you and your children:) And here is a websight called memory-of.com it is a memorial websight and you and all your friends and family can get on there a light candles and write letters. It helps me cope going onto that sight . God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
I'm sorry to hear about your spouse, I have a 2 year old so i can relate on how hard it is. Also 2 months after my husband died i also had dreams and mine was i was chasing him up a hill and no matter how fast i ran he kept getting further and further away till i couldn't run anymore and he had disapeared.

Like you said there is life after the loss of a loved one but i wonder how long it's been 5 months and the shock just wore off that he is gone I was in denial for 5 months and i am so scared of living life without him he is all i know he was my first love. So I will pray for you and your children:) And here is a websight called memory-of.com it is a memorial websight and you and all your friends and family can get on there a light candles and write letters. It helps me cope going onto that sight . God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks for the reply! I too am in denial. It's easy to pretend it's not real. I feel like i am never going to heal from this loss. He was my first love too. It's really hard for me to grasp the fact that my kids will grow up without a father. I am very close to my dad and i know that kids need both of their parents. You really have to work overtime when you are the only one there for them. I feel so sorry for my little boy especially having to grow up without his dad. It breaks my heart. I will be praying for you also. My path is dark now and i'm not quite sure yet how i will walk it, but i do know that if i take the lords hand that he will be there to lead me. It's the hardest experiences in life that make you stronger!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi, Everyone I am new to this site my husband was shot on 11/21/04 and he died on 11/27/04. He left me with a son that will be 2 in April and we have a baby on the way. It is hard to know he will not get to experience this baby with me I'm only 22 years old and people say well at least you are young you can find someone else but it isn't the same I feel really overwhelmed at times without here with me I really miss him alot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking

I found this site by accident and it looks like a blessing in disguise. Just when you think your life is so bad,you read others and can't imagine the pain. I lost my first love on 3/21/04 at the age of 40 from a heart attack. We were childhood sweethearts from age 13 and would have celebrated our 20th anniv. As sudden as it was I am thankful that I was there and he died in my arms. There was nothing the medics could do. We were at the motorcross track with our son,age 17 and daughter, age 15, the medics were within reach. I wonder why everyday.In two short weeks we will be facing our one year anniversary without him. What a tough year this has been. At the time of his death our new home was just complete, he never saw the final product. The kids and I moved in and know that he is with us. I've had many first this year and each one is just as tough as the last. It will take me some time to read through the posting but I truly feel for each one of you. For those that say, "time heals" they've never experienced a love like ours. I'll keep each of you in my prayers and ask for the same. Together, we can make it. Our husbands would be proud. Take Care, Terry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Deadsoulwalking,

Whenever I get really down and upset I always do think that my dear husband would be really upset to know how low I am and that seems to help me. He would not want me to be so sad. But, I also know it is a normal part of grieving and if the table were turned he would feel the same. I agree with you...I am not sure that time heals "all" wounds. Not when you loved so deeply and purely. Bless you and your family....It has been the most difficult year of our lives...

Laura

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking

Thank you Laura for your reply. I know my husband was all about living life and would not want to see me this way, but he alway knew how much I loved him and how hard this day would be for either one of us.On my lunch break today I went to our three local newspapers and placed his memorial notice for on 3/12 it will be one year. The first place I ran into a grouchy lady, at first, it bothered me and then I thought perhaps my article reminded her of her loss. Then it was ok. The second place, the lady behind the counter cried with me, for she knew my husband, he had worked on her car before at his old employer.The third place I encountered the nicest young girl who offered to help me personalize my notice. I was so touched by her kindness. Needless to say I looked a wreck by the time I got back to work. I wonder when it will get better? will it ever get better? I miss the tender touches, the cuddling, the simple phone calls. Just before my husband died he figured out on his cell phone how to text a message to my computer at work. I have that message frames "I luv u" was what he wrote. I jsut can't believe he's gone. I feel like adead soul walking, parts of my insides gone. I am 38 and don't want to be alone. My children are 16 and soon to be 18. I'll be here in this big house we build for us, how? why? I am so sorry for rambling on, but this really does help. Thank you all. -Terry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Deadsoulwalking,

You described it so well, the way we feel. The first year is just getting through all those "firsts," and we're so numb and when we're not, we wish we were because the pain is so deep. The second year for me was suddenly realizing that I was going to live and I think that was even harder than the first year. One of the things my husband loved about me was my joy for life but how could I be joyful when I lost my soulmate?

I had to learn how to be a widow and then I had to learn how to be me. Because now I was a different person, I couldn't go back to who I was before I met my husband and my life was forever changed.

It has now been five years since Craig died and I finally moved "home" where we both went to high school and grew up. I wasn't ready before this, too many memories. We had also built our dream home and I had to give it up, I just couldn't financially and physically keep up with it.

I still miss Craig, some days more than others. He is always in my heart. And I suppose being home now brings my missing him up more because people from high school tell me funny stories about him. And what I realized is that I enjoy hearing the stories because somehow Craig will always live on in other people's memories too.

What I guess I'm saying is that the pain gets gentler. It never goes away but it doesn't make you fall to the floor like in the beginning. And only time helps to ease it. There will come a time when you can think of your husband with a smile on your face. I promise this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Beyond Indigo Is Looking for Message Board Monitors

Interested in volunteering a few hours each week to monitor a message board and interact daily with the Beyond Indigo community? We're looking for monitors to share their experience, strength and hope. If you are interested, contact Julie at julie@beyondindigo.com for more information.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking
Deadsoulwalking,

You described it so well, the way we feel. The first year is just getting through all those "firsts," and we're so numb and when we're not, we wish we were because the pain is so deep. The second year for me was suddenly realizing that I was going to live and I think that was even harder than the first year. One of the things my husband loved about me was my joy for life but how could I be joyful when I lost my soulmate?

I had to learn how to be a widow and then I had to learn how to be me. Because now I was a different person, I couldn't go back to who I was before I met my husband and my life was forever changed.

It has now been five years since Craig died and I finally moved "home" where we both went to high school and grew up. I wasn't ready before this, too many memories. We had also built our dream home and I had to give it up, I just couldn't financially and physically keep up with it.

I still miss Craig, some days more than others. He is always in my heart. And I suppose being home now brings my missing him up more because people from high school tell me funny stories about him. And what I realized is that I enjoy hearing the stories because somehow Craig will always live on in other people's memories too.

What I guess I'm saying is that the pain gets gentler. It never goes away but it doesn't make you fall to the floor like in the beginning. And only time helps to ease it. There will come a time when you can think of your husband with a smile on your face. I promise this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking

Thank you for your encouraging words. I woke up today and thought...St Patrick's Day, what's so lucky about it?,what do I have to be lucky about? Then on my ride to work I started to give it some thought. I AM lucky, Lucky to have experienced the last 20 years receiving unconditional love,2 wonderful children and a life with no wants. My husband was my soulmate,we were like bread and butter. Always together and happy. On my daily trip to the gravesite I thought about more things I was lucky about, they all stemmed from the love I shared with my husband Howard. I have neglected myself this past year, just trying to get this new house the way "he" wanted it, taking care of the bills and kids. I made a doctors appointment and went today to start taking care of me, I went to the gym after work with my two sister in laws and joined. (my husband should get a good laugh watching this)My husband and I used to walk every night after dinner and I haven't walked in a year.I filled out the application, and there it was married, single, divorced, widow, God, how I hate that word- widow. Monday will be his one year anniversary, I've taken off work because I know I won't be able to think straight. My kids ask to stay home from school. Any suggestions on how to spend it with a 16 and 17 year old? I know what I want to do, stay in bed and cry all day,and not answer the phone but then I think "you have to be strong for the kids" I thought about doing something to celebrate his life but his life was happy, how can I be happy on that day. It's going to be hard. I have to find me again and I don't want to. The thought I find comfort in is everyday I get through and lay my head to rest is one day closer to seeing him again.This is so darn hard,harder than I could have imagined. Any suggestions for those who have been through their "first" please pass them on.As you know, the brain just doesn't think as clear as it used to. Thanks, Terry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Terry,

May 16th will be the one year anniversary for me loosing my husband. I think I will get some beatutiful helium balloons (one for all three kids and me)and we will all write a message to him and let them off together after saying some prayers together. I already told the kids and asked them if they had any ideas but they liked what I thought. I also told my 19 year old son that I wanted to plant a flower garden for him and much to my surprise he asked if he could plant a flower.....I was very surprised as he has always been my hard headed kid....so he is seeing the light, finally....I think I'm going to take them all out of school in the afternoon as their dad "passed" at 1:30 in the afternoon. I can't believe in 8 weeks it will a year already...worst year of my life...just horrible! I didn't think I could go more than one week without seeing him...what a nightmare...We were also like bread and butter...it was so natural and easy...I was totally at ease and comfortable and know being with him was the closest to heaven I could ever be....now, I feel this is hell. Like you I have also neglected myself as I have mostly concentrated on my kids surviving this first year and getting everything in order again...if that is possible.....Keep your chin up and I hope my thoughts help you.

Laura

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking

Thanks, I took your advise and we each wrote on a balloon. A pink on for Kelly, blue for Danny and a red heart for me. The kids weren't expecting it but I got goose bumps as I heard them writing on the balloons in the car. We let them go at the gravesite and we all stood and watched until we could no longer see them. We ate lunch at my husband's favorite restaurant and then just spend the day around the house, not wanting to do much of anything. It's so hard here without him as you all know. Last night a year ago, our last night together, tonight a year ago, our first night without each other. All day the events of that day played over and over in my head. I am so glad I was there to hold him and the last thing he saw was my eyes and the love I had for him. I thought after today, I would have experienced all my first, but then I thought, I still have proms, graduations, showers and weddings, the list goes on and one. I guess it will never end with raising two kids. Life will never be the same but I know he is with us in everything that we do.Thanks again for the touching words as I am new to this site, you have welcomed me. Thank you, Terry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

They claim that everything happens for a reason ("they" being those who know "things"), and that each situation -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- brings to our souls being. It takes a long time to understand what this means; you can hear it, but you do not get it until you "get it" fully. For me, that is thirty-one years and counting. Could I perhaps be so lucky? The self is our best friend and our worst enemy.

"You are amazing," she says to me ("she" being the doctor who is sitting in front of me). At that moment, it is nothing more than a social formality, an expectation, a courtesy. We ask people every day, "How are you doing?" But we do no want to know how they are doing, really. It is culture. It is society. "You are amazing" has little validity in the eyes of the unseeing. The self is our best friend and our worst enemy.

Her words come back to taunt me: "You are amazing. You are amazing." Could she point out any more how much I am failing? My head aches nightly. Once again, I am chain-smoking. I tried to take up drinking, but that wasn't working out for me. The dishes are dirty, and the floor needs vacuuming. Comcast called last evening. How will I tell the kids that there will be no more late-night Disney? I fall asleep rocking. The self is our best friend and our worst enemy.

She is right. I am amazing. Look at who I am and what I am doing. I have made it through a tragedy, and I have carried my children and my family with me. We are alive, and we are functioning. I get up every morning and have my smoke and my coffee. (So what? This isn't Dynasty). I wake the children, always smiling, even though inside I often feel like dying. We eat our breakfast together as a family; sometimes I grab four forks, accidentally. We eat, nonetheless, contentedly, that is, contentedly as can be. I send them off to school, and I go to a UNIVERSITY -- me, a high school dropout and a former nobody -- I wear that on my sleeve, frequently. I come home, and I start cleaning, working, reading, and writing. Sometimes the lawn needs mowing. The kids' needs come first with mine always following. We like to watch movies. "Movie-nights" are on Saturdays. They will cuddle up with me as long as I do not tell anybody. I tuck them in each and every evening. Then, again, I start working. I am in bed by midnight, if I am lucky. A house. A home. A family. She is right. I am amazing. The self is our best friend and our worst enemy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi, Bethany. I sometimes wonder what "they" would say if "it" happened to "them." I think you have the right to be proud of yourself, for what you are doing and for the person you are being. As I will soon be facing the loss of my wife to her illness, I only pray I can have the strength you show. You have chosen the most important part of your life to be your focal point; your children. So what if the dishes aren't washed tonight, because they need time with you. Don't be too harsh on yourself for the smoking, because you can take care of that later when you aren't going through all of this stressful stuff. I should be the last person to say anything against you for it. And if at all possible, try to make a little time occassionally to pamper yourself. It will really help when you feel overloaded with the stress.

To intro myself, I am here because of the loss of three members of my family to violent crime, and the impending passing of my wife. I will write on these things later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking

It's a given "they" have never gone through it before. Monday marked the 1 yr anniv.of my husband of 20 yrs sudden death. He died in my arms and in front of my two kids of a heart attack. I kept the kids home from school that day and silence filled the air. I took Laurra's advice and took balloons to the gravesite. The kids and I wrote our message one by one on the balloons and we let them go together,watched until we couldnt see them anymore. The next day, I sent a note to my daughters school explaining the reason for her absence and received a crying call from her 30 minutes into first period that her note was not excused so she couldnt make up her work and would get a zero. Needless to say, I called school and in my usual crying self talked to the principal. She explained again hoe it wasn't a "legal" excuse. She said she too had lost her father at a young age and her husband a few weeks ago, She offered to talk to the teacher, she called me back and said my daugher would get her points and the teacher apologized for being so harsh, (she didnt know the reason, onlt that is unexcused. I would not wish this past year on anyone but I wish "they" would put themselves inour shoes for just a day, hell, an hour would be fine. I need a break. Hang in there everyone, just keep venting, it really helps. Take Care, Terry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Terry,

I can't believe they did that...Sorry but that is total inconsideration, insensitivity and Bull(you know what).You are so right...maybe people need to feel our pain for even one minute and that would be to long. It's a slow torture and it would help if people were just alittle considerate and thoughtful. All that matters here is what you and your children got from that day and it will be a cherished memory and bind you all, always. That will teach you to tell the truth, huh???? I am so sick of hearing from friends that they saw others and they feel so bad they haven't called me because they don't know what to say...how laim is that???? People really do show their true colors don't they. Please just take care of yourself and your family but especially yourself so that you can be with and take care of them...God bless.

Laura

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
deadsoulwalking

I hope everyone on this site can enjoy this Easter and cherish the memories.

I will keep everyone in my prayers.

Laurra, I am trying my darnest to start taking care of myself. On the 17th I finally went to the doctor, got the blood results back and no surprises there,(Thank God, don't know if I could have handled anymore bad news) I also joined a gym on that evening, totally new for my shy self. I've gone everydaya dn it's helped kill some empty time. On Satursdays, my kids disappear and I am left alone. I actaully worked out today for 2 hours, boy does time fly when you are busy, and boy can it stop when you are alone. Glad to say,I've lost 4 1/2 pds. Oh, boy, but it's a start. I know my husband would be so proud of me. This is a big step for me. I'm so tired of hurting inside. I wish with every breathe I have that he was still here with me.(as I'm sure you all do) The time my kids spent together that day at the grave will never be forgotten. We plan no matter why lies ahead that we will meet together and do the same. The feelings and thoughts I have in my head lead me to feel guilty. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I loved being married, I was so happy and I miss everything about it. Although, at this time I can't see any sense in getting remarried but boy would I love to have the thought of being loved again. It's so darm lonely. I ask myself WHY? everyday. What did we do that was so bad? Why were we pnished? THe questions just keep coming. Oh well, I'm sure you can all relate. Venting just makes you feel better. Take Care, Good night. -Terry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just found your forum and am thankful it is here. I lost my husband ten months ago of a massive heart attack, and at 32 I really feel lost sometimes. We were a blended family, my having one child from a previous marriage, and us having custody of his two children as well. In a matter of days, I went from having a house full of boys to it just being my son and I, as I had no legal right to the custody of his boys after he passed. Easter was difficult, more difficult than I expected, and I'm still in a "funk". To go from having a large Easter dinner to just the two of us was not easy. My family lives nine hours from me, so seeing them was not an option with gas prices where they are right now. I'm self employed in sales, and scratching pennies together trying to make dimes makes things even more unbearable sometimes. Yesterday I just felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head, but I can't do that and pay the bills. It's hard, though, to put on a happy face for my customers and feel inside like crying (or throwing something, which I have never done, but would really like to, I think). Everyone says it gets easier, but sometimes it feels like yesterday. Was watching a show with a friend Sunday evening, and the patient died and I just lost it. I really want to go forward with my life, but times like that just feel like they suck me back to the beginning of the road, and with no one who really understands, I think I hold too much of it inside. Writing usually helps, but lately I can't even begin. Prayer gets me through most days, but these past few have been so hard. Thanks for letting me vent, and I hope that reading what all of you have wrote will help me in knowing that I am not alone in this. I appreciate the courage that all of you have in posting here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss and your difficult times. I do want to thank you so much for sharing. It really means a lot to everyone to hear your story. Your determination is admirable. Please keeping sharing.

Take Care,

Julie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Nice to meet you, Tinasdad. Thanks for the responses. Sometimes I just need to write, to be heard, you know? But all is well, as well as can be, anyway. And you all will be proud to know that I am coming up on one year completed toward my BA at WSU. A year ago, I never would have thought that this is something that I would have been able to achieve -- it was hard enough getting up and out of the house, let alone to "school," and working. But I pushed through it anyhow. Hooray for me! That's not to say that it's been easy, but it was a good choice to go back to school. It gets me out of the house and around other people, plus I am starting to focus on the future again (another thing that I didn't think was possible).

I have, however, had a bad week (though not as bad as some, previously). For one, I finally decided to accept a dinner date with somebody, thinking that it would be "good" for me (it has been 20 months now). The first week went well -- the man I was seeing is very kind and understanding. I ended up crashing, though, emotionally. I guess I'm just not ready, even though I KNOW that my husband would want me to go on living (I'm only 31 years old). Maybe in another year, though.

Also, it is almost my husband's birthday -- 4/9. That might be part of it, as well. I cried really hard last evening, which is something I hadn't done in a few months now.

To put it exactly, to Lisa, or to whomever, it does get easier with time, but not really... easier in the sense that it's three steps forward, two steps back continually. If people want to call that "easier," well then, maybe. I will tell you, however, that "love" has saved me. That is the Love that I have for our children and the love that they have for me; the love that I have for my husband, and the love that he has for me. Yes, he does still love me (in fact, probably more than when he was still here with me). I used to think that death was such a final thing, and that is because I'd never had anyone die who was really close to me. Now I KNOW with absolute certainty that they are still with us and existing, and while no, it's NOT the same thing, not even close to being, it does bring me some peace.

Good luck to you, Lisa, and to everybody. Keep writing, keep reaching, keep sharing. That's another thing that has gotten me through this tragedy -- kind-hearted "strangers," seemingly, who are willing to be HERE for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Bethany, likewise I am happy to meet you. I am also happy for your success in college. As hard as it was to get up and going, you did it. Just looking to the future by going to college is a giant step in the right direction. Keep going, and each day you will be a little bit closer to your goal and feel so much better for doing it. I know college is hard for adults, because my daughter is 30, and with her husband still here, she struggles juggling the "children-college-housework-job" thing. You should be proud of your accomplishments.

With my wife being so ill, I know where you are coming about it getting "easier." She's my wife, my soul-mate, my world. I have faced other losses in my family, but this is so painful. Some days hurt; some I would rather skip over. Once in a while we get a good day, and we cherish those and

talk about them on the bad days.

I read your thoughts on seeing someone, and I think that when you are ready, you will know and feel it. Your husband may be wishing you to continue living, but you also have priorities to yourself and your children. Until you are ready, do things to nurture yourself. It will be good for you and your children.

When you need to write, please do it. We will be here to read and care about what's happening in your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
jennifer214

hi everyone...this is the first "support group" i've looked at. thank you all for your postings. when i first lost my husband, my daughters' father, i didn't want to hear about anyone else's pain. (how could it compare with mine?!) i didn't want conversation, only to escape which i did so very well. but little by little, very slowly, i am starting to choose to live this very difficult but precious life. so i thank you for being one of the ways i can stay connected. i am 36 and my husband died of cancer less than two years ago. our girls were six and nine years old. it is hard to even write that sentence -- to speak aloud of that time period. i guess i try to forget the year they were six and nine and what they had to go through. i just want to say to all the parents who are doing this alone now...i hope you see the intense beauty of every loving thing you are able to do for your sons and daughters. the smiling, singing, tucking in, making easter baskets...showing them you are determined that love and joy continue. i try to believe my husband watches and is full of love and pride...i try to be proud of myself even though i feel like a failure so many times. and to tinasdad -- i wish you strength...i took care of my husband for six months ...i really feel for you...it's hard to believe, but you will live through this.

thanks all

jennifer

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It's been almost two years for my family, as well, and reading your message has once again brought me to tears -- that happens to me frequently here (that is why I took a 6 month break from visiting). Our children were young as well -- 7 and 10 -- when their father (my husband) passed unexpectedly -- 3 hours, that is -- and though time helps, it is still very difficult at times to breathe.

I wish you and your family the best, Jennifer. And Yes, of course, he's still watching.

P.S. April 9th is my husband's birthday... surely I'll be back again this week.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Light A Candle for Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II has touched the hearts of many as he has traveled the world with his message of peace, hope and harmony. He is a man loved by many and has been the beacon of light for the followers of the Catholic Faith. Even non-Catholics have appreciated the deepness of his devotion. We note his passing in sadness and invite people of all faiths to Light A Candle to carry on his message of peace, hope and harmony.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/beyondtalk/lightacandle.php

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I can relate to all these feelings. I was 45 when my husband died and we had three children ages 14, 18 & 19. I felt that it was the end for me but watching my children I needed to move forward to teach them. Four years later I am remarried to a wonderful man who is also widowed. Never thought I would be able to remarry but love works in mysterious ways and I know my husband would have never wanted me to be alone. I cry from the pain of missing my husband and the life we had. I cried last week, but tears become less and memories live on in my heart. I don't think we ever stop crying for our loss we learn to live each day as they would have wanted us to. Life is so difficult and sometimes still very sad for me. I can't complain I have a wonderful life its just that you never forget. To everyone here, I wish you all happiness and love. As time passes the pain will somehow lessen to be bearable. I never thought this to be true till I met someone who understood through his own pain. His wife died and his children were young 9 & 17. We have shown our children to strong and thrive through it all.

God Bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello All, I am new to this website. I lost my spouse and my best friend last October. I am 34 years old and I have a son who is 13 and a daughter who is 9. My husband died of cancer complications. His cancer had responded to treatment and he was cancer free but died suddendly one morning from septic shock. Even though he had cancer I never expected him to die. He had cancer before and was able to recover with flying colors so I thought that would happen this time. My husband was older than me but he was still only 47 and that is still too young. You know I made it thru all of the holidays already but the hardest time for me so far was his birthday and our anniversary. I guess because we always took a special trip on our anniversary and we always had so much fun and it was always romantic. I still have really bad days. I have not worked since he died, at first it was just too hard for me but then I broke my leg in Feb and I am still off work from that. I think I am finally ready to get back to work when my leg heals. The hardest thing for me at work was this other employee was a young girl who was getting married and was always too darn happy for me. Her happiness just irritated the heck out of me. Well I guess that is my story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I was comforted reading some of the messages. I lost my husband to cancer on April 15,2005. I had known him since I was 15 years old. We went our seperate ways until 1979 when we met again and my life was again with the man I loved. He was only 55 when he died and we spent 25 years together. I miss him more than I can even say. He had a heart attack, out of the blue, on May 9 2004 and that is when our lifes changed. After bypass surgery he went into a coma for 1 1/2 months and they discovered the lung cancer. I was by him day and night and just wanted time with him I prayed he would not die. He lived through all that and we fought so hard till almost one year later he died with me holding and kissing him and with his death a large piece of my heart is gone. I guess it is normal to think your the only one, but you know your not. I just keep thinking if I wish and hope hard enough he will come back. Thank you for this site it is nice just to write about my handsome man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Good morning everybody. I haven\'t responded to this message board in quite a while. My husband passed away in February of 2004, so it\'s been a year and a half of trying to heal. My son will be going off to college next month and it will be just me and my cat at home. Tom would have been so proud of our son. I trust that Tom is smiling down and is very pleased with our son\'s accomplishments. I am.

I would appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers that I can get as I learn to cope with another sort of grief, that of being completely alone. This was suppsoed to be a time when Tom and I could enjoy our time together as just a couple again, but I have learned that life doesn\'t always turn out as you plan.

It is a comfort to be able to share some of these thoughts with others that are experiencing the same sort of loss. I am very grateful that Beyond Indigo is here.

S.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I understand exactly how you feel SSG1legal...I lost my beloved significant other on January 2nd 2005. We'd been together 11 years...he was always after me to marry but I could not because he was alcoholic and could not hold down a job as well as a bipolar personality..and I love him so much but he died 10 days after he turned 50...I'm 48. We've been through years and years of raising our children..my three and his one..my youngest will be a senior in high school this year...we should be having the time of our lives...we were FINALLY at the point where we didn't have to worry about the children. So many dreams that and hopes that will go unrealized..............

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi I just lost my dear husabnd Aug the 1st 2004 of a massive heart attack at the age of 46 while we were on vacation he was driving the boat we were in holding our 16 month old son..and he started shaking so I managed to stop the boat knowing something was terribly wrong I stopped the boat and screamed for help and a boat came by and a couple of ladies jumped in my boat and performed CPR and someone else drove our boat to the dock where 911 was waiting for us..they tried shocking his heart 4 times but he was already gone..watching my dear husnband die was the most terrible thing to see..I felt helpless and I knew thier was nothing I could do..we share 3 children together our 2 daughters are grown and on thier own but we were surprised and very happy when I found out I was pregnant again..who would have thought after so many years..I was 45 when I had my baby so it was a complete shock and a blessing that my dear husband gave me one last gift before he had to go..so right now I am tryin the best I can to raise our 2 year old son..he looks just like his daddy which is another blessing..the hard part is tryin to go on after being married for 28 years and together 32..but I am doing the best I can for my baby he needs me more then ever he also has a heart condition too..and will reguire a heart catherzation and a balloon valvestay soon..but I know he will have his daddy watch over him..so I feel like my baby will be ok...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CindySue....it was odd seeing that name here because MY actual names is Cindi Sue...I enjoyed reading your positive email and I am SURE your husband is still with you. Wow 32 years together!!! I can only imagine how difficult his passing had been for you and with you being right there on the boat...You ARE ONE STRONG LADY!!!! It's a pleasure to reply to your posting. My significant other of 11 years passed January 2, 2005 of acute myocarditis. He had an enlarged heart to begin with due to his problem with alcohol and died suddenly. We had been dancing the night before so I'm familar with the feeling of living in a FOG.

I'm happy that you have a baby who needs your attention now...I have a grandson who is one and a half and has been living with me the past year and he has been a god send to keep my mind off myself. God bless you and the baby...I'm sure dad will be in the operating room.

Take Care,

Withani (CindiSue)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
CindySue....it was odd seeing that name here because MY actual names is Cindi Sue...I enjoyed reading your positive email and I am SURE your husband is still with you. Wow 32 years together!!! I can only imagine how difficult his passing had been for you and with you being right there on the boat...You ARE ONE STRONG LADY!!!! It's a pleasure to reply to your posting. My significant other of 11 years passed January 2, 2005 of acute myocarditis. He had an enlarged heart to begin with due to his problem with alcohol and died suddenly. We had been dancing the night before so I'm familar with the feeling of living in a FOG.

I'm happy that you have a baby who needs your attention now...I have a grandson who is one and a half and has been living with me the past year and he has been a god send to keep my mind off myself. God bless you and the baby...I'm sure dad will be in the operating room.

Take Care,

Withani (CindiSue)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Wow,that is wierd seein the same name as me..thankyou for your nice letter Withani...I am tryin to be strong but find myself in a real depression...its hard being with someone so long and then watchin them die right in front of you..I begged him not to die and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes and made a moan and he was gone..no one amagines how short life is..but I have a sweet last reminder of him a sweet little boy..he is only 2 years old and he looks just like his daddy..I am glad he is to young to really understand..but I feel my husband around him all the time cause when I put him down for the night in his crib I can hear him laughin in his bedroom sayin dada..and when I go in thier he points to the wall and says dada and I see nothing but he does..so I know and believe my husband is thier with him playin with him..this has been going on everyday since my husband passed away last Aug the 1st...soknowin that brings me lots of comfort...and I feel when my baby had his heat surgery my husband will keep him safe..bless you and I will certainly pray for you and your sweet grandson..I think that is great you have him to help you through the rough times that lay ahead..the holidays seem to hit me the hardest..but they say it takes time..I'll pray the days ahead will be good for you..Bless you for the nice reply..Take Care,Cindysue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CindySue,

I can only imagine the horrible nightmare of having your husband pass on in front of you...I'm sure the vision is etched in your memory forever...very difficult for you but comforting for him that you were there I'm sure. I had a tremedous amount of guilt that I had to deal with because I left to get my oil changed and was angry with Gary because he had taken my cell phone out of my car and I was sure that he was going to pawn it (he had done things like that in the past in order to get money for alcohol)...anyway I was gone when he passed. I always thought that I'd be there...I always thought we'd go together for some crazy reason....

Just taking one day at a time here and thank you for your letter and am so greatful to have found this sight.

Take care,

Withani (CindiSue)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Withani, It will never leave my mind..and teelin my daughters was the hardest thing to do...when they just talked to him an hour before he passed for some reason he had to call both our daughters up one is 27 and the other is 21..and when I had to call them and tell them that thier dad was gone..my girls went crazy ..he was such a good husband and father never abusive and was faithful and loving all the time...God wanted me to be with him that night..just me and my baby...so I thank God I was with him to tell him I loved him before he passed away...the pain of seein him die and turn blue on me will never go away..I was very lucky to spend all them years with him...me and the girls still feel the pain but they are coping as good as they can...now I have to go on for the baby's sake..he needs me now more then ever...I am so sorry about your husband Gary..don't feel guilty for not being thier..I guess thiers always a reason why thing ahppen and God works in mysterious ways...and this is the way he plans thing I guess...I don't know which is easier being thier watchin them die and not being able to help them or not being thier wishin you was...but I know they both are in a better place...and are watchin over us always...I accidently ran into this site and it has helped me talkin about my pain and reading what other people has been through..bless everyone for thier pain..now I know what all of them are going through...Thanks again Withani(cindisue) you are very sweet.....Cindy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CindySue,

You're husband sounds like a very wonderful man and yes you are so fortunate to have all those years with him. How kind of him to call your older daughters...I'm sure this is very painful for them as well.

I feel fortunate to have spent 11 years with Gary; we were never married; he wanted to marry but I refused because of his problem with alcohol and bipolar personality but I still continued to love him unconditionally. The last six years of our relationship I made him live in an apartment because I couldn't have the alcoholism around my children. I spent half the week with my children and while they were at their father's I spent the other half with Gary.

The relationship was very stormy and very intense due to his illnesses. I had a tremendous amount of guilt when he passed because I had told him a few days before he passed that I couldn't continue the relationship...he had been "out of it" for several months in a downward spiral..abusing alcohol..pain medications (had a bad back)..his mind wasn't there...I told him he wasn't there for me emotionally, physicaly, spiritually and that I didn't want to take him into 2005. He passed away January 2nd........

I wish I could rewind the last year...

Another thing that came out of the two of us not being married was his exwife (of the past 11 years) took the key to his storage unit (all his belongings were put there a couple days prior because he was being evicted) for writing a check to himself from his landlords checking account. Due to the fact we were never legally married she took the key and said all his belongings would go to his 16 year old son. He didn't have anything of value...the problem being everything he had only had memories to the both of us. There are many pictures of us and personal treasures. His ashes (he was cremated) went to his son.

I know he is still with me but what totally different experiences for two CindySue's!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Withani, I don't know what to say, I am so sorry for the pain you have been through with you boyfriend but 11 years is a long time and I know you loved him very much or you would'nt have stayed so long..but he was sick and your right he did'nt know what he was doing its too bad in the end it had to kill him..so sad..I think it was very wrong for his ex to have taken everything like that that would tear me up..she could have at least let you have the stuff you had with him..that would be only fair..wow just Jan 2nd what a way to celebrate the new year that must have been very aweful for you..I am sure he loved you but he had a bad disease that is hard to break sometimes..now my husband his name was Roger was a wonderful man I could'nt ask for a better husband and father we meant when we were 15 and married at 18 ..and like I said we were married the best 28 years..and together about 32 he never changed always loving and such a good person..he was just under so much stress always worrying about his kids specially our baby with a heart condition I think that did him in when he found out our baby will have to have surgery eventually..he is 2 years old now and the doctors are talkin in Oct he will have to have it..I know in my heart my husband will be with him ..anyways the stress I think just did him in and he suffered such a massive heart attack that it killed him right away..I am glad he did'nt suffer.thats the only consulation I have..but the pain will never go away..I feel him around me all the time and I hear the baby talk to him all the time in his crib so I know he is close by..when I hear baby byron laughin in his bedroom I know my dear husband is in thier with him..:) Yeah your right 2 completly different experences for us..but I am thinkin of you and its so fresh for you..now Mondat Aug the 1st will be a rough day for me that will be a whole year since his passing..:( so hard to go on but I have to for the little one..Take Care cindisue..am thinkin of you..Hugs to you...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CindySue...thank you for the hugs..you're right it really is fresh and I did love him very much..he had no doubt about that. I will pray for you Monday on the anniversary of your husband passing.

It did tear me up that his ex took his possessions...none of them did he have with her..she said because we were never legally married they all belonged to his 16 year old son. Gary's possessions did not have any value to anyone except for he and I..we ran around to several garage sales and flea markets over the years and that's where they came from...everything had a story behind it but no one knows the story except for he and I. Another terrible thing that happened along these lines was when his brother flew in from Colorado for his memorial service..Gary's exwife and her husband along with Gary's brother and wife went out to dinner. Later on she told me she didn't invite me because it would have changed the "dynamics" of the dinner. Sheesh! Gary would not like how all of that was handled. For the Memorial Service it was his exwife's husband giving the eulogy and then his exwife spoke for awhile and then sang the song "I Hope You Dance". It all was very upsetting because of that as well as the people who were there...her siblings and their spouses...they did not speak to him over the past 12 years. It wasn't his choice not to speak...it was theirs..and then they attended his memorial. Whew!

I've thought about your story several times this week about the tears in your husbands eyes and it just breaks my heart. I'm glad he didn't have to suffer. I do believe your husband is with you and the baby at all times..and he will be in the operating room for the baby's surgery. I've had some very strange ADC's as they refer to them and have been posting on that messageboard as well. It is a comfort.

Thank you for corresponding with me...there are not many people whom I can talk to about this.

Take care,

Cindi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Withani, Wow that is so aweful is ex did'nt care before and now when he's gone she acts like they were as close as can be...that makes me sick how people can do that..makes me mad..how they could treat you like that I mean would it hurt them so much if they could let you have what you two shared when he was alive..that must be hard to forget..I am glad your boyfriend..is not sufferin no more..Its hard when my husband had the tears in his eyes when he was dieing it was a scared look and the fact he was tryin to tell me somethin and it just was'nt commin out and he just made one last mean and that was it..he died with the baby in his arms..I mean they ev en had to take our baby out of his arms to work on him in the boat he was holding him so tight..the baby was cryin and he did'nt know what was going on and I was so much in shock when the boat came along and the ladies performed CPR they told me to call 911 on our cell I felt really stupid cause I go I don't know the # I laugh about it now but at the time I was in complete shock he was'nt breathing..I said no to the ladies he breathing then when I seen him turning blue I knew my sweet husband was gone..but I did'nt wanna face it I guess..they woked on him a long time in the baot shocking his heart and when they came back to me I looked at them and I go just please don't tell me he's gone and they go I am sorry..I just lost it then and all I wanted to do was hold our baby..they asked me if I wanted to see him and I said yes he was on the floor of the boat..coverd up with a sheet they removed the sheet and he was so blue and I yelled out I love you and went down to the ground...they actually took me to the hosp..cause I was in shock..of the whole thing..but anyways that is somethin I don't know if I can forget seein him shake and just die like that .,.and him lookin at me for a few second and then his head went back..and when I seen blood commin out of his mouth thats when I screamed for help but it was to late...but I kept screamming please don't leave me..and kept tellin him I loved him..but life is so short and the pain is still so fresh I often wonder when is it gonna feel better..but..I hope you can get the things your untitled too if they had a heart they would at least let you have the memorys of what you two shared I feel so bad for you..but maybe in time they will realize..I will pray for you and try to be strong...lol..looks whos talkin I am not very strong myself..but I am tryin just not very easy to do...but I will be thinkin of you..and let me know if you ever get the things back ..man I hope you do...Hugs,Cindy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CindySue,

I just can't imagine how awful that was for you on the boat...I hate to say it but it's a double edge sword where I'm glad I wasn't there to have the memory of Gary passing yet...I always thought he'd be in my arms...how horrible for you...the tears in your husbands eyes...him trying to tell you something just makes me cry..I can place myself there and think what a nightmare you've been through CindySue...geez...and your baby in his daddy's arms...wow..to have that etched in your memory I'm sure is something you struggle with everyday. I will pray for you my friend...your husband knows you love him and always will. I am sooooo sorry you had to go through that. I didn't see Gary when he passed...when I left he was snoring like a bear. YOU ARE THE STRONG ONE!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have much hope of getting anything back..really...it sucks...we had a sketch that Gary had someone draw of me and it's in his exwife's possession. You'd think she'd understand...she's a psychologist for Christ sake but also a control freak...doubt I'll ever see any of our memories again. The only thing Gary had of value were his tools...which are in my basement...I'm saving them for his son. His 16 year old son has not spoken to me since Gary passed...if I ever move I don't know what I'm gonna do...the tools mean a lot to me..Gary was always fixing things for me. I'd was separated from my husband for three months when I met Gary...he has been fixing things for me for the past 11 years. I'm gonna hate it if and when the tools ever go. I'm feeling now like I should have married him...that's all he ever wanted. I refused because he couldn't hold a job...seems so small in the big scheme of things.

God bless you CindySue!

Cindi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Withani, Your right I wish I could go on but I cry all the time..the tears never stop just rememberin that awful day..and 30 min before he died it was strange he goes to me Cindy you know I love you don't you..and I said of course I do whats wrong and he goes nothing just wanted tou to always know that..and then he insisted on holding the baby..and I said no at first cause he was driving the boat..but he said just let me hold him so I said be careful and he goes I will and he looked at the baby and go's you my only son and your always gonna be daddy's little boy...then he called our 2 daughters up just to ask them to come up that night they said dad its like 7:30 at night and by the time we get thier it will be late ..so he said ok well come up next week then and he told the girls that he loved them..and like 15 min after he was done with them he suffered the heart attack and died...but I guess he died where he wanted to in the boat in the middle of the lake..he loved his baot and the lake...I wish I could stop cryin ..really I am not strong at all I am a wreak always wondering what am I gonna do without him I have a 2year old baby..how can I be a mommy and daddy to him..I knows he misses his daddy I show him pics and he goes dada and smiles so big and kisses the pic..and I go yes baby thats dada..Cindisue I wish I was strong..I am tryin for the kids sake..I thought this is'nt fair he celebrated his 46th birthday then he passes away...now I have to worry bout my 2 year old son..wondering is he gonna survive his heat surgery that is commin up..I am so scared of losing him too if somethin happened to him I don't wanna live either..I pray he will survive it and pull through..I have to belive he will be ok..if my husband watches over him which I feel he will...my husband had so much stuff so many tools and a very expensive watch that he got an award for for driving over a million miles accident free..you see he was a truck driver and was one for 18 years and recieved a seko watch valued at over 5,000 dollars and I am gonna save that for our son..its so nice on is a symbol of north american van lines and it says one million accident free miles..he was so proud of that watch..so I think he would want Byron to have it..and my husband owed 4 cars and 3 boats and I gave each daughter a car and a boat..I know Roger would have wanted all out kids to have somethin..I really do hope she finds it in her heart to at least give you something...you have so many years with him..that I am sure you had some wonderful times also..I wish you could at least keep the tools I mean they are like a sentimental value...I know just me holding something of Roger';s gives me comfort..and makes me feel so close to him..and you deserve alot more then what your gettin..Too bad you did'nt marry him then you would be entitled for sure but in my opinion I still think you should have what you want after that many years I am sure it feels like you lost a husband thats a long time...I feel so bad for you makes me so sad...wish I could give you a hug..I know hugs sometimes helps...you always have a friend here that will listen...I hope I can make you feel better cause you have me more then you know..maybe soon I can learn to smile again and not cry...but my lifetime of 32 years is gone I am 47 now and we meant when we were both 15 and been together since..but I have my 2 daughters and my sweet little 2 year old to get me through..I just hope I can be happy again and not feel guilty for smiling or laughin..Your friend always, Cindysue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CindySue...it has been very good for me to talk to you..thank you!!! I'm sure we both will get to the point of happy at someday. It's think a big part of it (I'm 48) is that I always thought we'd be together. We were in process of getting Gary's medical problems straightened out with his bad back..get him employed and then we were going to get married. You're right..we have many very WONDERFUL memories. He was such a goof...Gary was the one who first started calling me "CindiSue"...it's always been my first and middle name but he putting them together. The name Withani that I use as my Username he made up as well..it stands for Cindi with an "i". Gary was a genius..there wasn't anything he couldn't do...he just always had trouble holding a job and with the medical bills and alcohol and me being a single mother of three I couldn't take the financial risk of getting married. The ironic part now though is IM the on unemployed. I'm in sales and of course after Gary's passing my #'s went down so I was fired in April. I've chosen now to take the summer off just because I've been unable to get it together. The night before he passed we went out for our usual Saturday night dancing (Saturday's are really tough on me now) anyway..he looked me straight in the eyes and said I love You Sooooo Much... I think Gary knew several months before that something was going to happen...when we went on vacation a year ago April while I was sleeping he whispered to me while I was sleeping "I must prepare you for my death"...also a couple times after that he'd ask his son and myself how we were going to split his possessions. He would talk about this after he'd be drinking and I'd try to make light of it with is son and say "Gary..don't worry about it..we're going to fight over this one ashtray though"...I couldn't talk to him about death.

That's really great that you and Roger had the vehicles and boats that you could give your daughters...I'm sure that means a lot to them. I would imagine they felt guilty with not coming to the boat when their dad called them. They shouldn't...there's nothing they couldn't done but we both know by now how guilt works. How horrible that must have been for you. I think the watch for your son is a great idea...he will treasure it as his dad did. I'm sure it's difficult raising a two year old on your own...my 1 1/2 grandson who is staying here is a pleasure to get my mind off Gary but sometimes I know in my case I just want to be left alone to sulk and you can't do that with a baby. Then the surgery that you have coming up...WOW!!! Gotta be strong for that CindySue...he needs you!!! I live near Cincinnati so if your hospital is anywhere near here let me know and I'll wait with you in the waiting room if you like.

As far as stuff goes...fortunately I had abou five of Gary's shirts here (I find myself wearing to bed quite often...I'm a kook). Also he left a couple guitars here. I think I mentioned we used to play guitars together. So I gave one to my son Tony who Gary is very proud of and the only one of our children who played guitar...he would have wanted it that way. The other things it is sad because they don't have any value and only meant something to the two of us. I just have to chaulk it up as why do people do things like this??? The one thing that I REALLY wanted were some of his ashes. His 16 year old son has them...I tried to keep our relationship going when Gary passed..called him several times and he never called back so I stopped..maybe some day.

I had a dream last night about Gary...we were working on an old house that we were going to turn into a bed and breakfast...then I woke up..I hate that!!!!!

I KNOW we will be happy again CindySue..Roger and Gary will always be with us..they're with us now just not physically. For some reason we don't understand yet God needed them to come home and they're going to be there when it's our time to go. You needed to stay for the Bryon and your daughters and I need to stay for Tony and my daughter and grandson. Only thing that can be done now is to make the most of each day (I'm still trying to find out how that is possible) and learn the lessons that we were sent here to learn so we too can eventually go home!!!

Thank you for being a friend...I really need one now who understands this crazy fog that we are living in! Hugs!!!! Your Friend ALWAYS...CindiSue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.




×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.