Young Widowhood

[luvualways37]

Guest, l am sorry for your loss. Last year l lost my husband of 16 years and have a son who is 14. His death was sudden and as time has passed I am learning to live with, but will never accept. He was 37 and a lovable person with a kind heart. Please stay very close with your child because they need you. The pain is always in my heart and I still cry for him, but my son has been my inspiration to go forward. I recently found out my husband passed because of some errors at the hospital. I am trying to understand how this happens. Please continue to post here because you need to get your feelings out and you will need support to get you thru the days ahead. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[sidvis]

Dear Guest, I am so sorry you have to be here. I am 49 and my husband shot himself 19 months ago. Posting on this site is one of the very best things I did to survive the trauma. My sons were 16 and 12 at the time of his death. They were the only reason I kept going in the early days. If it wasn't for them I don't know what I would have done. Keep posting and I too will be thinking of you. I wish you peace.

[steelmanswife]

Thank you so much for the support. Its so difficult to find a moment or two when the grief isnt overbearing. I do try to stay strong for my son because I know that he needs comforting from me and also to have a ray of hope that we WILL make it thru this. He needs that and I will do everything I can to make sure he has that. I try to cry mostly when he is away at school or at night when Im alone in my room. When he sees me cry, he tries to make it better and I dont want him to feel like he HAS to be the strong one. We talk about how much we miss Jeff and how sad we feel, but the conversations are brief. Im hoping that he will be more open as time goes by. I have thought of getting a book or two for him to read about "losing a parent". Something on his level,(he's 11) to help him understand what the grief process is for him. I believe that might be helpful for him. Does anyone have any recommendations?

[4everjoeysmom]

Steelman's wife--I strongly suggest Chronicles of Narnia series--the whole series is a wonderful heavenly fantastic fantasy and the final book especially is a look into the spiritual side of death and what's on the other side--the journey to eternity. I read the books after my son Joey died and I found peace and comfort in them. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Luvualways37, please forgive my delay in writing. I've been a little exhausted lately and my doc ordered rest. It takes a bit to care for my wife as she faces a terminal illness. I'm dad to six, so I understand the issues of consoling and caring for our children while we must deal with our own sorrow. Be open and honest, and while you openly show strength for your 14 year old, at this age kids are able to understand that we hurt too. It's okay to show your emotions. Share your feelings with each other openly and honestly. My kids have seen me meltdown before, and they know I'm always here with a shoulder for their meltdowns. I don't try to openly show my feelings, but when it happens, we deal with it. We're all human, and all face feelings. We're here for you, with our kindest thoughts and sincere prayers. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Steelmanswife, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss and all that you now feel emotionally. When dealing with children, remember that they don't grieve like adults. They tend to be more emotionally explosive, because they don't yet fully comprehend things in the abstract realm, such as what you are now feeling. For children, I've used the Narnia series in counseling, but I also want to let you know that there's a book that adults find worthy of reading, titled "God Knows You're Grieving". I've heard good feedback from those who read it. Take time for yourself. You still need to nurture yourself through this time. I often suggest that those grieving should spoil and pamper themsselves, just to feel better about everything. Thinkin' of you with prayer, I'm Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Claudia, I've just gone through a bit of "downtime", and this is my first stop on BI. Hope you're keeping well. My prayers are always with ya, Mark

[steelmanswife]

Thank you so much Mark and Joeysmom for the book recommendations. I will head to the library today and check out a couple of the Chronicles of Narnia books for my son. I also will look into the book, God knows your grieving. Maybe they will bring some comfort. Today has been a bad day, it hit me this morning when I awoke. Just that undeniable sense of aloneness. It echos in my mind and the feeling surrounds me and suffocates me. There is no moment of the day where it doesnt have a hold on me. Sometimes it gets to be too much and I almost feel panicky. What do I do now? How do I get thru this? Questions, questions! I wanted to shout as loud as I could this morning...WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY WHY?? I know it wasnt his fault, I know it wasnt his choice, I know he didnt want this to happen...but still I feel angry and confused and just crushed. There is a saddness that completely fills me and I feel as though Im on the verge of tears all the time. Like I could just cry until no more tears can come. Cry from the very core of my being and just continue and continue. I miss him so much!

[4everjoeysmom]

Steelmanswife, I have felt every ounce of what you describe in my early days and months of this grief journey. The panicky feeling, every moment of life on the verge of tears, the anger, that shouting out, the never ending questions...all of it. I know it sounds a little unbelieveable right now, but you will get through this. You will learn to cope, but it takes some time. I am at a little over 9 months now. I have moments, but they are a little farther apart with passing time. Sometimes now I am down for a period of several days and then I a feel like I am healing...and it repeats, but a little less frequently with time. Please hang onto hope that you too, in time, will be ok. In the early days I just rode with my feelings. I failed on some days to not let my emotions get the best of me and I lashed out. I hated that part of the grieving. I'm thankful it didn't last a long time. As horribly desperate and anxious and sad and hurt and crushed and alone and awful that I felt, I am healing, ever slowly but healing over time and you will too. I hope in some small way that can bring you a little comfort to know what you feel is not unusual. If we didn't love SO MUCH, it wouldn't hurt SO BAD... I pray that love, which outlives all, will guide you to comfort. Blessings, Claudia

[steelmanswife]

Thank you so much Claudia. It does help to know that there is hope and I can heal. Ive had people tell me that I need to take my time and not rush anything, and others that say..you need to move on with your life and start to move his things and box them up. I cant move anything of his right now. A friend of mine told me yesterday that I need to get out and meet new people and think about dating. It shocked me. WHAT??? There is no way I can do that! Then she made the comment that I should clean out his things because it is just a reminder. I WANT that reminder...I dont have him, but I still have his things and that is what I need right now. His whole life is here..and how can I just discard that. I dont understand how people can be so cold.

I got the call today from the funeral home..the death certificates came in. That just set off a whole new feeling of , \"its really final\". Each time something like that comes up...it just hits me hard!I have spent most of the day crying..its a bad day. I pray every day to have peace and strength to carry thru the day and help me take care of my son. I thank you for giving me a ray of hope. I hope that it gets easier to remember. I want to remember our time with smiles..not sorrow and pain.

[4everjoeysmom]

Steelmanswife, Regarding the people who just can't seem to help themselves for thinking they are helping us with their stupid and insensitive remarks...I try to keep in mind that they just don't know. They are clueless, and I am thankful they don't know that kind of loss and pain. And I try to show mercy for that reason. They are just trying to make us feel better, because that's all they know how to do..work at "fixing" things. I try to gently respond that I don't need "fixing" and I appreciate the well meaning of intentions, but thanks anyway. But I do admit sometimes the pot bils over, because it gets so tiring to hear that stuff. And you do whatever it is that your heart needs and is telling you to do to cope with grief. You hang onto stuff as long as you want and need to. Do not second guess yourself or feel weird or guilty, or anything negative about how you are coping through your grief. It's a journey, and we all do it differently, and we all learn along the way what works, what doesn't, what's important, what's not. I'm sorry about the shot in the arm with the certificate arrival. Ugh... I hated that moment, but I also know that no moment now is worse than my moment of discovery that Joey died. It's hard, but thinking about the journey in that way helps me to know that it won't get worse in the aspect of losing Joey. I have nowhere to go but up. It's those uphill climbs though, they tire us and wear us out, so it's important to take care and rest, and eat right, and exercise, and take vitamins, and keep our immune systems up, etc. The journey is "work", and you have your son to care for as well. He's grieving too. I'm so sorry your day was so heart wrenching. Those days loom for a good while, but the rays of light and sunshine do poke through to let us know there is always hope. I'm praying for you. In time I know you will remember and smile... I know it! Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

[steelmanswife]

Claudia,..you are right. Nothing will ever compare to the moment that I knew Jeff was gone. In those seconds, my whole life crumbled and came crashed in on me. The pain and devastation cant ever be equaled to and I dont want anyone to ever have to go thru that. Not ever! I found out yesterday that a family that lives in town lost their father/husband. It was sudden and unexpected like Jeff's death. He was 45..my husband was 43. When I found out, my heart just sank for her and the kids. Oh, how I understand her pain. We all do...and it just makes me want to reach out to her and try to comfort.

I know that my purpose for being here now is for my son. He is my priority and I wake up each morning asking God to give me the strength to carry on and be there for him. I understand that without me here, he would be so alone. Even tho we both hurt so deeply...we have each other and that counts for so much. We can help each other heal and find peace again.

Thank you for giving me hope that one day I can remember and smile instead of remembering with sorrow and tears.

This website is such a big help..thank you to everyone. Debra

[Guest Guest]

I am new to this web site. I could use some encouragement. The last few months have been very difficult. I recently lost my husband unexpectedly. He passed away a day after his 40th birthday and a week after our 18th anniversary which was on Valentines Day. I am still confused to what happened except that his heart stopped. I feel as if my heart stopped also.

We had just moved to a new state and stared new jobs so I do not have much support. Most people I know do not know what to say and are no very helpful.

[rodless]

Guest, I am so sorry you are joining this board. My husband died last July so I am fairly new at this also. There are many understanding and supportive women here who know what you are feeling. Please join in on the I Miss Him So section. You will find help and encouragement. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Steelman'swife... don't let anyone tell you when or how to dipose of your husband's things. You will know when the time is right and what you want to do. I have gradually moved everything into one closet and am slowly giving away items once in awhile, but I still like holding his billfold, watch and seeing his clothes. I shuffle around in his slippers frequently. The same goes for getting out and meeting people.. at your own pace. I remember the day the courthouse called and said the death certificate was ready. Like being sliced open with a knife. But is does get easier to smile and have good days as you go along. Mary Jo

[Kelly]

Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary Jo, my heart dropped as I read what you wrote about the court calling. One of my most painful days was when I had to sign for Jenni's personal effects. Next week marks eleven years, and it's like it can't get better. Lately, I've tried to stay busy with work so I don't have to deal with it, but the 22nd is approaching like a speeding train. I guess for me it's always been worse getting to the day than being there. May God bless you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

For our new guest, I'm deeply sorry that you have to feel the pain of this loss. I'm sorry I've been out of town, cuz my work keeps me from visiting "our" website. There are many people here for mutual comfort and hope. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace and comfort through your sorrow. I'm not yet widowed, but then my wife faces a disease that is slowly and painfully taking her from me. I have found a lot of hope here. It's good to be home for a few days. I like being able to get to BI, a place where we all understand and support each other in our journey of healing. Feel free to write anytime. Jenni's dad

[steelmanswife]

Krystan..

I feel like I can relate to you so well. I also was hesitant to post anything because I usually dont expose my feelings to people on the internet..or anywhere actually. Im definately not an open book...but I needed to express myself with this grief. I know that other people here understand because they are also going thru this horrible nightmare. I needed to know that I wasnt alone in how I feel and what Im going thru.

My husband, Jeff died 5 weeks ago of a heart attack. It was very sudden and unexpected and to say we all are in shock, doesnt even come close to the devastation we have been going thru since. Jeff seemed to be healthy, no history of heart problems. We had a good Saturday the day it happened...spent most of the day together, which was something we always did. Went out for lunch, did a little shopping, bought a couple bushes at the greenhouse and planted them in the yard. Was going to water them when we noticed we had a leak with the outside water spigot, so he was going to fix it before it became a real big problem. To not go into all the details...I had just been outside talking with him about coming in to dinner, went in the house to shut things off the stove, walked back outside and found him in the yard. He was gone! It was so quick..and in that moment my whole world crumbled. He was 43 yrs old and left behind me and our 11 yr old son.

I try to stay focused on my son but it is so hard to not sit down and quit. Sometimes I just want to curl up on the couch and disappear from all this pain and heartache. I dont have joy and excitement anymore in my life. I do for my son and he is what keeps me going. I took him to the Pirates of the Caribbean 3 movie today and even tho I really tried to have a good time, all I could think about was how great it would have been if Jeff was there to enjoy it with us. I miss so many things...we were together so much that everyday things seem empty and so alone now. I hate the \"alone\" feeling. I miss the adult conversation too...I know that I can talk to my son, but he\'s a child and the level of conversation isnt the same. He doesnt take an interest in things the way that Jeff did...and that makes it real hard too. It isnt fair and it isnt right that we have to find our way now without them. It isnt right that our lives changed so drastically in a moments time and now we have so much on our shoulders...but somehow we must get thru this minute, this hour, this day..and do it all over again tomorrow. I hope you come to this board often and post. It really does help to know you are not alone. Feel free to email me or post if you want...we are all here to support and help if we can. I hope you find a little comfort in knowing we all care.

[steelmanswife]

Krystan.. A puppy sounds just wonderful. Im sure the kids will enjoy taking care of him/her.It will be something to keep them focused on and bring lots of good times. I have a husky that was my husband's dog. When we got her, it was supposed to be for my son because he had been asking for a pet off and on for about 6 months and finally we gave in. It wasnt my son that instantly took to the dog, it was Jeff! Wasnt long and the dog was even sleeping on the bed, even tho I had bought a dog mat for her to lay on NEXT to the bed. She went thru a period of depression when Jeff passed...she wouldnt eat, wouldnt play, just would lay by the back door waiting for him to come home. But with lots of pampering and love, she is back to herself again. She is a lot of company and also a good watch dog.

Im going to do a small cookout tomorrow. We used to have a big bbq with the family and have games in the yard..volleyball and horseshoes and water fights for the kids, but this year I dont have any energy or desire to really put it all together. So, I told a few family members to come if they wanted but it wouldnt be anything spectacular. I know that my son will enjoy it and Im doing it for him.

Its good that your daughter is starting to heal her pain. Crying is a good release. My son has been really quiet and Ive only seen him cry 2 times. He has started to open up a little more about talking tho. In the beginning, he didnt want to talk about his dad and if someone brought it up, he would either change the subject or go into his room. I was really worried about him because I know keeping it all inside isnt good and can be destructive in the long run. However, now that he is talking a little more, maybe the other will start too. We all have to go thru this grieving process in order to find any type of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that light is a LONG ways out there still, but step by step eventually we will get there. Right now, I cant even see it..everything is dark and full of pain and sorrow..but I keep hoping that someday I will see a flicker, a faint spark, a glimmer of light off in the distance. I hope you have a little comfort today...wishing you peace.

Deb

[naz496]

In new to this board but here goes,

My husband tragically died on 11th december 2006. He has left behind 2 beauitiful kids 3 and 7. How do u just drop dead at 36yo. how is it possible to be a widow at 33.

He just droped dead at work. He was a truck driver and worked very long hours. In the days before his death he actually quit his job as the boss was being unreasonable and making him work 20-27 hr shifts. He quit and dropped dead 5 dyas later from massive heart disease.This boss is responoble for actually putting his body under so much strain that he died however My beauitiful husband had heart diesese and how could no doctors pick it up. He had been to the doctors about 10 times in the previos months and been diagnoised with arthritis. We spoke to the GP 6mths before he died because Mals heart rate was very low at 50 and he was tired and the cardiac specialist said that he didnt need to see him that was fine there was also a family history of heart disease and heart attacks and still the specialst didnt want to see him. How can this happen. Symptoms and family history and under a cardiac specialist and he died 2 days after his 37th birthday.

Thankgod for my 2 little children who are 3 and 7. They are the only reason that I get up in the morning.

Our life has turned into a l;iving hell. The superanuation companies will take 6 mths to pay out, and the banks want money for the morgage, and we had no insurance. How does this happen. How do u go from 65000.00PA income to nothing, overnight.

Having a very bad day today I have cried alot. Dont cry much because it makes the kids sad but have shed alot of tears the last 8 days. was my birthday yesterday, and I just wanted to ignore it, but obviosly couldnt because of the kids.

use to go out every day, now I dont really want to go out at all. I am finding people have gone on with thier lives, and expect us to as well, however the past 5 mths and and 17 days, I have not moved foward at all.Its as if time stands still, It feels like I have just come home from the hospital saying goodbuy.

I cant even look at his photo's as it causes me to much pain and I think if I dont acknowledge it that It wont be as painful. I know that I am kidding ,myself.

I know he is dead, but I think he will eventually come home. ( i know he wont.)

I dont want to acknowledge the pain , as I have to keep going for the kids and most days let me tell you that I dont want to keep going.

I would tell him every day that this bloody job was going to kill him , he joked about it with his father and said that he couldnt take time out for or afford a funeral, and guess what we couldnt.

I have to live with the fact that I told him over and over and over again that it would kill him and he didnt listen. I really thought it would give him, a heart attack, and then he would have to wake up and change, not for one minute actually dying. Even on the way to the hospital I felt a little relief as i thought its finally happened now he has to slow da=own and listen Not for one minut thinking that he was dead.

I am finding more and more that I dont want to talk to people as they make my life harder that it already is, my friends want more from me than I can give, and things that I have said to a couple of people have pissed them off, and they are cranky with me. I know I should care but I dont. Let them do what ever they want I dont care anymore.

Does this feeling ever go away, of not caring. #everything is tooo hard, and I seriously dont care about things that I problery should. When does the hurt stopp. when do u get your brain back. I cant ever cook these days without burning things. I wash the cloths a few times over as I forget to hang them out. even forget to feed the kids occasionally.Thank god for the kids or id never get out of bed

Does anyine have any answers.

Naz

[krystan]

Hi Deb. For some reason I'm having trouble emailing you. I have adjusted my profile so maybe you can get through to me. Sending you lots of light.

[steelmanswife]

Krystan...sent you an email, hope you got it.

[steelmanswife]

Naz...Im so sorry you are having to go thru this pain. My husband also died from heart related problems..a heart attack from cardiomegaly. It was sudden and unexpected and we never knew he had any problems. He seemed to be healthy, but we were wrong. He was 43 when he passed and he left behind me and our 11 yr old son. I understand about the living hell..every day I wake up, it hits me.."Hes gone". I go thru my day barely functioning. I swear there are times when I need a list just to know how to get dressed. My mind cant concentrate and I find myself stumbling thru the day not really knowing what the hell Im doing. The fog has lifted for me and I am faced with this crushing reality that he will never walk thru the door again or sit with me at the breakfast table or lay beside me at night. I really wish the fog would come back because then I dont have to face it. The pain is undeniable and overwhelming. Everywhere I look is a memory of him. I want so much for those memories to bring comfort, but for now...they only bring hurt and tears. I have lost my smile and my reason for smiling.

Please come here often and post. It does help to know that you are not alone in your grief. We all are going thru this hell with you.

Deb

[naz496]

steelsmanwife

Having issues with denial still. Mal died at xmas last year, and whilst I know he is dead, and i saw him dead, I still feel that he is just at work.I miss him terribly but only like I use to miss him because he is at work.

I would miss him terribly whilst he was at work, and then he would come home cranky and tired and on sunday his only day off I would wish that he would go back to work, as all he and my 7yo would do was fight, all I did was referee.

I was unhappy with our life and I told Mal this. I told him that I didnt want this sort of life. I didnt want him to work so much and I couldnt understand how he could put work before his family. He was sooooo tired and cranky all the time. I know now that it was because he was sick and didnt know it. but that bloody truck drivers life is ****. because of the long hours it covered up the symptoms of cronic heart disease. evey day I told him this bloody industry would kill him, that he would leave his kids with no father and me to raise them by myself which I practially did any way,. I didnt want him to die and Id have this **** life back in an instance if it would bring him back.

I cant really look at his pictures, only glance at them as I will have to acknowledge one day that he is really not coming back. how do u get past the I told u so stage. every day I told him to slow down that it would kill him but he wouldnt listen.I begged him to change. He finally quit his job 5 days before he died and he did try and change for the better but to little to late.I begged him to think of us. I begged him to listen and to stop. I knew in my heart that at about 50 or older he would have a heart attck and have to slow down. I knew when I got the call that he had had a heart attack, and I felt a bit of relief as now he would have to stop. Not for one minute thinking he was dead. You dont die from heart disease at 36 yrs old. I knew when I walked into that hospital that he was dead, but knowone would tell me I begged them to tell me he was still alive.

[krystan]

Hi Naz

My husband also died suddenly aged 41. He had a heart attack and was ok, had the opperation and was coming out of hospital the day he died, suddenly in his sleep in the hospital! He used to travel also and I still feel like he will come home. Nothing eases this pain and despair. I look at photos and sometimes I think he is laughing at me and other times I see love. It does help to talk to others so keep in touch

[krystan]

Deb hopefully my email arrived

[steelmanswife]

Krystan...I havent received any email from you. Will email you again and see if we can get it worked out.

[krystan]

Hi Deb. I'm not having any luck. I seem to receive but can't send. It may be in my settings but I don't know how to fix it. I'll try from work tomorrow otherwise do as you suggested.

Lots of light

[steelmanswife]

Naz...My husband also worked and worked and worked himself to the ground. I would tell him to slow down and take some time off, but he didnt. Once in a great while, he would take a vacation day but only after I practically begged him to. He actually went to work all week once with pnuemonia. I finally had call the doctor and make the appt and then trick him into going. He wasnt happy with me, but he went and got the meds needed to get better. I worried about him all the time...but especially these past 2 years. He wasnt feeling well and I knew something was going on but he was so stubborn that he wouldnt have it checked out. He was tired all the time, but blamed it on working. He would get out of breath so easily but blamed it on needing more exercise. He just wasnt the same man as he was yrs previously and it scared me. He did find out he had high blood pressure a few months back and thought after he got that under control, his symptoms would subside..they didnt. Never would I have thought he had a bad heart and suddenly pass away in the blink of an eye. Never, never...had that entered my mind. I believed it was something simple and could be fixed with a pill...I was so far from the truth.

Jeff worked so hard ..and he always said he was doing it for his family. If I had only known. He worked 6 days a week, sometimes 16-18 hour days. It was just too much to keep at that pace knowing what we know now. He worked in a steel plant and also construction. He would do construction during the day..then go to his shift at the plant at 3pm..come home at 11pm...go to bed and get up the next day and do it all over again.

[naz496]

steelmans wife

This is my storey you are telling. We live worlds apart inyet you have my story.except we knew something was wrong also blamed the hrs and the job, and he did goto the dr's many many times. tired crankey breathless,this to for a while not something that happened yesterday. I made him goto dr and they still didnt pick it up.how is this possibe in to days day and age.

I miss him sooo much. I think me heart is broken asnd can never be fixed. Its the kids that get me up every day.Harrison my 7yo doesnt talk about Mal . he doesnt cry. He cant remember the good times without me reminding him, and this makes me feel so much worse. Montanna my 3 yo had an inseperable bond with her dad. It sadnens me that she proberly wont remember him. How could he do this to us. I told him and told him the job would kill him, not for one minute thinking that it would. I always knew he would have a heart attack, and even when I got the call to say he had collasped at work I new he had a heart attack, and I felt a little relief, as I thought Good now he will have to slow down, ands I will go back to work. It wasnt until I got to the hospital that I knew he was dead. I begged them to tell me he was still alive I knew he was dead.. Cant change things but oh how I wish I could . I would have a **** life back in an instance if it would bring him back.

Hope u find some peace today

Naz

[Guest Guest]

i recently lost my husband and best friend due to heart attack with resulting brain damage. It took my darling man 37 days to die. We were together for 15 yrs, and felt like life had just begun for us after many trials. My heart is destroyed, and the tears just keep coming. It has been two months, and i must have witnessed his passing a thousand times...my sadness is so profound that my 19 yr old daughter is staying with my mother, as she is unable to deal with my grief. I am being told to 'get about living' and stop with the self pity by well meaning friends, but don't know how to move past the total loss. My husband was disabled before the HA, so we spent virtually ALL our time together, now I am totally ALONE. I don't have the first clue how to "move on"

[johngee]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry you have experienced the passing of your dear husband. Only one who has suffered such a loss can relate to the mental, emotional and physical anguish you are going through. You will find a lot of loving support from those who post on this site; most know your pain from experiencing their own.

I think you recognize the error in your well-meaning family and friends' thinking. Though grief is self-centered, it allows us to reconcile the loss of someone dear to us. Our relationship with our loved one was something only we experienced. Therefore, bring closure to that relationship is something that only we can define. Don't allow others to rob you of the healing that comes with the grief you are experiencing.

My experience after the death of my baby boy, and four years later, the death of my dear wife of nineteen years, is that time seems to stop. At first I could not seem to figure out how to move on, or even why I should bother. Slowly life began to happen again, and the acuteness of my sadness began to fade. A little more than a year since my wife passed, I still think about her every day. Sometimes the “why” question creeps into my thinking, but I try not to entertain it to long because I’m not sure it will ever be answered and I could drive myself nuts, pondering it. I wonder how it will be possible to find someone else I will love as much as I loved her. I feel depressed and deeply sad at times, but my heart is mostly at peace now.

There is no correct way to grieve such a profound loss. There is no set timeline. As I alluded to earlier, grieving is a very personal process. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and let it happen as it will, in your way and in your timeframe.

One more thing that helped me was drawing nearer to God. He has been my strength. He has restored my will to live. He has generously comforted me and brought me peace when I couldn’t find it on my own. He has given me hope for brighter days ahead. My prayer is that you find all I have, in Him.

With deepest sympathy,

John

[naz496]

dear guest

my husband for 12 yrs has been gone 5 mths and 26 days, and u dont have to move on right now. you just have to get up every morning, and If u manage to have a shower and get out of bed then thats all you have to do anything else is a bonus. you will ove on in your own time. dont let anyone rush you.At 34 yrs old I myself prefer to live in denial with 2 small kids I tend to cope better. I know he is gone but I feel that he is just at work. people tell me to I have to move on but u know what I dont really wnat to.

John

What u say is so true. I am not much of a church person but went for the first time in years last sundasy. and I found it very comforting. the next few sermons are on grief. I think that I was just meant to be there this week.

I think god has sent me a gift . a man came to my house to give me a quote on getting verandah fixed. he said that god must have sent him to help me. He wants to pull my old one down for me and not charge me for it. He said that god must of sent him to help. He prayed for me and of course I cried on him. He actually gave me a hug, and this is the first hug that I have had from a man in 5 ths and 26 days. and yes cried on him again.

Phycoligist says that it might be time to move out of the denial stage but I really dont want to. I want to not have to go through what I am about to feel. I dont want to fall into a heap. I dont want to miss him. I dont even look at his picture because it will hurt tooooo much. I dont want to know that he has gone forever.

sorry rambling

Hope u all find a lettle peace today

Naz

[Guest Guest]

dear guest

my husband for 12 yrs has been gone 5 mths and 26 days, and u dont have to move on right now. you just have to get up every morning, and If u manage to have a shower and get out of bed then thats all you have to do anything else is a bonus. you will ove on in your own time. dont let anyone rush you.At 34 yrs old I myself prefer to live in denial with 2 small kids I tend to cope better. I know he is gone but I feel that he is just at work. people tell me to I have to move on but u know what I dont really wnat to.

John

What u say is so true. I am not much of a church person but went for the first time in years last sundasy. and I found it very comforting. the next few sermons are on grief. I think that I was just meant to be there this week.

I think god has sent me a gift . a man came to my house to give me a quote on getting verandah fixed. he said that god must have sent him to help me. He wants to pull my old one down for me and not charge me for it. He said that god must of sent him to help. He prayed for me and of course I cried on him. He actually gave me a hug, and this is the first hug that I have had from a man in 5 ths and 26 days. and yes cried on him again.

Phycoligist says that it might be time to move out of the denial stage but I really dont want to. I want to not have to go through what I am about to feel. I dont want to fall into a heap. I dont want to miss him. I dont even look at his picture because it will hurt tooooo much. I dont want to know that he has gone forever.

sorry rambling

Hope u all find a lettle peace today

Naz

[Guest Guest]

Dear Young Widowhood,

I\'m 43-year-old widow and I too lost my husband, my friend, my rock. I have 4 children and they are 19-year-old, 18-year-old, 13-year-old and a 9-year-old. My husband passed away on January 18, 2007 through battling Cancer. He held on our last Wedding Anniversary and dies two days after my birthday. Being a widow doesn\'t discriminate our age it could happen to anyone of us. With you starting out with your life with your children and with me we were planning Graduation party, trips and just enjoying our life together. Now all we both do is take one day at a time and just be Thankful the I made it through the day. We were both lucky to have our husband and we felt secure with them, we never thought that life will give us both a new title next to our name. Before it use to be Miss-Mrs. and we were so happy with the Mrs. because we were known to be someone. Now the Mrs changes to Widow and that I had and I bet you hate it as well. I tell my kids I can't foresee my future and I can do is take one day at a time. I know in the beginning I had the hardest time to see my husband's picture and it did hurt me tooo much. But know I can see my husband picture the pain has subside. Anyhow Young Widow take care you and I we are both in the same boat. Remember our kids are the only ones that help us keep going and they now look up to us. They lost one Parent and the fear they will have is losing us. We have to be strong for them.

[cheryl36]

Hi I am Cheryl, and a mother of 2. I have a 17 year old girl and a 14 year old boy. Both from a first marriage. I remarried in 2002 to a wonderful man who was a great friend to my family. My entire life was complete, I gained a stepdaughter as well. On November 28th, 2004, the man of my dreams, my life, my love, Scott, passed away. He was only 38. He had Glioblastoma Multiforme or (GBM) in other words, its brain cancer. It has been pure hell. Looking back on everything now that it seems like the "fog" has lifted some, I could not have done it without people just like you! and GOD. I still love him very much, and I have moved on somewhat. And I still have horrible days, and I still cry for him. And I have to think about my blessings, my children, my home, and I feel blessed that God aloud me to have him and love him, I will forever be greatful for that. I have no regrets, Scott used to tell me, "Cheryl we're lucky, cause we know our time together is short" And we took full advantage of it. Every precious minute was accounted for! If I can help someone else, BELIEVE me I will!

Thanks for reading,

Cheryl

[amberi]

I was posting on the loss of father and miss him so when I looked on this one. I am 35 and my husband passed away almost 4 weeks ago. We had been seperated for about 8mo. but in the last month we were really starting to get ourselves back on track. He went in the hospital on thurs. said it was a tiny minor blood clot and he needed to rest then sat night whiling (thank god) lying in bed and him just telling me seconds befor that he loved me he was gone. A sight that I cannot get out of my head it was horrifing. I have no emotion because he left a lot of drama behind(which was why we split up) and I have to deal with it all. This sight I hope will help me get thru it all. I have a lot of anger and dont feel right posting it but I bet because we are young we all are a little pissed. I was with him for 18yrs since I was 18 and have two kids that I now have to raise by my self.

Anyway thatnks for listening.

Amber

[amberi]

So its a month today, that my husband passed away in front of my eyes. I am still in absolute denial, and straight up pissed off about it. My kids seemed to do ok on fathers day. they just didnt want to go to stores or see commercials. understandable. My son is having his first counseling appt. today and he is not happy with me. He says he doesnt want to go. I can understand I went to my first spouse group last night and I was the youngest person there. Most of the people were elderly and kind of expected their spouses passing. I sat there getting more fustrated, but I know in time this group will help, I feel I must have felt this way with my daughter but Hell who knows. I just want to scream. I do havbe a camping trip this weekend planned and I hope that bit of non-reality will help me out. we shall c.

thank you all for being here this really helps me get it out. Cant do this in front of my kids but no I need domewhere to do it.

thanks again

Amber

[Error username not found]

its 1 in the morning. i hate writing here sometimes because i feel like its too personal.. but at the same time i know everyone here knows how i feel. i feel really really sad right now and i just want him to come home. i think of him every minute of everyday and its so unreal that ill never get to see him again. him. how did that really happen??whenevr i look outside i could just picture him walking up to come home and i see how he walks, how he looks, how he dresses..and i just wanna be able to talk to him again and tell him evrything that i want to and hug him and sleep next to him and let him sleep while i take care of the baby, and buy him presents... REAL presents that he'll actually like instead of flowers that they throw out after 2 days. i really hate being this desperate/sad/lonely/CRUSHED. my life would be 10000000000+ better if he was here. theres SOO much we have to do/talk about. ugh.

[aprilsmom]

Hello to Mark (alwaysmyjennifer), it's been a long time and I was wondering how you and your wife are.

Another hello to Cindy and Cindi if you are still around.

2 1/2 yrs. and i miss my daughter just as much, if not more than 2 yrs. ago.

Nothing will ever be the same--for ANY of us here........so sorry to meet this way. Bacafly-----the grief does get "softer" but you will never stop expecting them to walk in the door.......so bittersweet. Peace to you today, even if for a little while.

Take Care,

Renee

[luvualways37]

Mark (alwaysmyjennifer) I haven't posted in a while, but I hope you are doing well. Its been a year since my beloved husband passed. I miss him sooo much. I am so angry that he was taken from my son and I. I try to put on the phoney smile, in hopes that no one asks me how I'm doing. My son has finally opened up and comes with me to the cemetary. I see the sadness in his eyes when he looks at me and asks how I'm doing. I always imagined my husband and I growing old together. My heart hurts sooo much and knowing what I do now the pain gets worse. He went in for an infection and was suppose to be home in 2 weeks, but due to a series of errors at the hospital my 37 year old husband of 16 years lost his life. A man who was so loving and caring and had a heart of gold lost his life because of the carelessness of others. I hope this anger will go away because it has made me the person I never wanted to become. Thank you for allowing me to post.

[amberi]

Today is a day I was dreading my daughters 14yr anniv. and thurs will be Al's 2mo. I noticed I posted here last month on his 1 mo. doesnt seem that long ago but sounds so long ago.

I send my prayers to all

amber

[cindysue]

hello to all man its been monthes since I been on here due to the fact I been in the hosp...not good I was in an accident and broke both my legs both my feet my pelvic and my hip and 7 of my ribs... I was in the hosp..since April and just now got home I recieved 4 surgerys they had to place 2 rods in my legs but hey I can walk.. I fooled the docs they said I will never walk again..so I am happy..at least thier..I can't believe the 3 year mark is commin up of the time I lost my beloved Roger..I still grieve so much but me and my 4 year old son and my daughters are doing ok..I don't know if Cindisue or Mark if your still around if you are I have missed you two so so much..and love you guys alot..just wanted to let you know what has been going on in my life..and to everyone else..I am sorry for all your loves that you have lost..I am off for now..talk to you all soon..

Love and Huggs,

Cindysue

[johngee]

Wow, Cindysue! You truly make me grateful. God bless you and your family.

John

[cindysue]

thankyou John you are very kind..Hugs to you..Cindy

[susanwcav]

I'm signing in for the first time. I've never used a message board before so I may need some coaching.

On June 19th I lost my beloved husband of 19 years to cancer. I can't believe he's gone. In the first weeks I felt so small and the world seemed so big. I just wanted to be home. Now I've ventured out, even socialized with girl friends but I just feel so lost. Like Bacafly I just want I want to sleep next to him and just listen to him breath.

I've struggled because while I have a lot of support, I feel the need to connect with someone who really knows what this feels like. I've felt kind of isolated because our local support groups don't start up until mid September. That seems like the 12th of never.

[cindysue]

susanwcav..I for one know how you feel my beloved husband died 3 years ago Aug the 1st of a massive heart attack he was only 46..we were married for 28 beautiful years and share 3 wonderful kids our youngest he is only 4...its so hard...but as time go's on the pain eases up you will never forget him just the pain gets better to deal with...I wanted to die when he died I felt like my whole world crashed..and to top it off our 4 year old son also has a heart conditionand will be recieving another heart surgery soon. but I know or I feel he will be ok I know his daddy will be watchin over him..just like he did me in April I was in an accident where I broke both legs both feet..my pelvic and my hip and 7 of my ribs..I was in hosp..3 monthes although I almost died I felt I would be ok and that my dear husband would want me to be around for the kids..I talk to My husband Roger everyday to tell him how much we loved hi and I feel his presence all the time...but anyways I know hun..what you ae going through and will go thrugh..and if I can help I would be glad too...just believe your husband is with you and he does'nt want you to be sad...again if thiers anything I can to help please let me know my prayers are withh you and your family..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[susanwcav]

Thanks CindySue, it helps to know that you still talk to your husband. While TJ was sick I would always ask, do you feel me loving you? he would always answer yes. I still ask him that. I still feel him loving me just not like before.

I'm sorry to hear about your accident and wish you well as you recover physcially. I know our keeds need us now more than ever. I'm grateful that I can focus on our kids.

[cindysue]

susanwcav..Your husband is with you loving you just as much as if he was alive..he is watchin you and the kids..I am sure it is so hard for you..the first year I think is the toughest..so many emotioms you will be going through but just think your husband is in a better place and feels no more pain...just focus on your work or your kids..and as time go's by your pain will also ease. up...I will keep you and yoour kids in my prayers...