Young Widowhood

[klynn630]

Has anyone here tried a support group in their city? I did start going to a therapist not long after and I quit after a few sessions. I just wasn't ready. I guess I was still numb and didn't feel overwhelmed with emotions then like I do now.

[withani]

KLYNN630....Like you...I saw a therapist for the first three months...which helped but I know in my case the support I've received here has been a God send...I don't know what I would have done without the great friends I've met here and you can typically get a response within 24. I don't see how anyone can be in too many support groups...try it out and see if you feel comfortable there

I will be praying for you that you have a peaceful night...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hi everyone, Well now I am ordered to go to a grief consuling and I think maybe its best if I try to go...oger will be gone 2 years Aug the 1st..and I can't get the scene of watchin him die in the boat like that out of my mind..cause it was so unexpectedly and so fast that I kee wondering what he thought and wht he wa stryin to say as he laisd thier dieing aftre he suffered his heart attack..why could'nt anyone help him he got help right away..was it meant for him to die in the boat? the day we were celebrating his 46th birthday? I am glad our son was so young he don't or won't remeber being he was only 16 monthes old..our girls feel so guilty cause they were not with us..but I guess it was meant just for me and the baby to be with him on his last day..so many questions unanswered but I have to realize nothing will ever bring him back..but I so wish he could see his son grow up like he did our daughters..Byron looks so much like him and he would be so tickled to see him and play with him..least he got to enjoy some time with him..

Mark, thankyou so the kind words I ry so hard to be a good mommy your right so much work with all his disablitities but I was blessed with him and he is so beautiful and its so cure everytime I brush his hir he says I hanesome and I go yes baby you are..and he go's I free and I sit here and have to think free?? the I thought..ohhh he's sayin he is 3..lol..I hvae taught him how old he is..all the time he go's mommy I wuv woo and I laugh and say I love you too I just love the way he talks he's such a loveable little man..I hope and pray for you everyday..that Mary and you are doing great you and Cindisue and Trsih and Renee have helped me alot on here and never judged me and always by by side and words can't explain how much that means to me that all I can say is thankyou so so much and know how much I love all of you..

Cindisue, yeah my oldesy grandson is 12 hard to belive..hehehe..he tells everyone I am his grandma and all his friends thinks he is lieing but its cute they go wow if she is your granny she sure is a hot one..I laugh do they talk like that at 12..man they start younger and younger..my grandson is so sweet his voice is changing already..and has so many girlfreinds..my other grandson is 11 he is about as bad always talkin bout girls..lol..those 2 me and Roger raised till tina was old enough to go out on her own and care for them herself..so I am pretty attached to them 2 the rest of my grandchildren I love dearly too..they are 8,5,3,2 and 17 monthes..ok now I hope I am not forgettin any of them..lol..its kinda funny our 3 year old being an uncle to the rest of them..but they love it..the good Lord works in mysterious ways thats for sure..my cold is finally get better..man was it hard..being sick and caring for Byron but I did it..and to keep the house clean was a big shore since I was so sick and Byron's decides he want to play like crazy specially when I am sick..lol.always thinkin of you girlfriend I can't believe we have known each other about a year now I don'nt know what I would do with out any of you..love u my sis..

And to Guest..I am also sorry to hear of your loss I know how hard it will be..the pain never seems to go away..the kids suffer almost as much as you..my husband will be gone 2 years Aug the 1st..he died of a massive heart attack we were celebrating his 46th birthday in our boat when it happened was just me and our baby at the time it happened out daughters with with thier familys he was holding our 16 month old son at the time and driving the boat when it happened he died instantly in the boat..I always wonder why..but I know things happen for a reason..we were married for 28 years and togethher 30 and life seems so empty now without him..sometimes days are easier then others but its hard our 3 year old son looks like his daddy..so much but we found out he also has a heart conditon and will have to have surgery soon..but I know his daddy will be watchin over him I am tryin to have faith he will make it and pull through all this and be a healthy little boy..I have made so many friends on here that have prayed for me and him which has helped me..they are awesome..I hope things simmer down for you a little we are all here for you..Hugggs to you..

Love and Hugs to you all,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[withani]

CindySue....I think the order for grief counseling will be a GOOD THING...I don't think there's such a thing as too much support!!!! Wow...it has been almost a year since I first met you here....you have been such a great friend...I don't know what I would have done had I not met such wonderful people here. As we all know....after a couple months our friends and families grow so tired of listening to us talk about our lost loved ones but it's something that we deal with everyday...the loss...the void...we just live with...

I hope you have a peaceful day my friend....love you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hi Cindisue..and I don't regret one min of ever meeting you or Mark or Trish..or anyone on here..we all are family and I love you like we are..I would be lost without you like I said before instead of judging me you all were here for me and thats what means so much for me specially as depressed and sad as I have been..I wish I felt better everytime I talk abour Roger I cry when someone would ask me and its been almost 2 years..but you know what I never got help to deal with this and I know maybe I should I got asked out my a really nice guy and he asked asked me out for the last 6 monthes and I keep commin up with excuses I like him but I find where I am scared cause I am not used to guys doing this cause I was married..and always wonder would Roger want me to date again this guy has been so patient so much and says he understands..its funny he understand but I don't..I wanna move forward but I am too scared too..but I know he would'nt want me to still be grieving..Aug the 1st will be 2 years and I know I will be a wreak..and I am scared I am gonna break down..well time to go back to bed since it is like 5am I love all of you so much..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, ya know we all say about the same thing, that if you're afraid of dating, it's too soon and you're going to get hurt. You are the last person I want to see hurt. I don't care how "nice" he seems, men are the same, mostly. You understand what I mean. Look what happened last year, girl. We don't want anything happening again. If you aren't ready, you just plain aren't. When your heart is ready, it'll let you know. In the mean time, heal. Spend the time with Byron, who needs you far more. There's nothing wrong with being by yourself with your precious little baby boy. He's perfect. Only you can make this choice. Choose wisely. I'm praying for you. luv ya both, with hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Klynn630, I went to a group meeting after my daughter Jenni's death, but found the emotional part to be a bit too intense for me. There's a group specifically for parents of children who died a certain way, but I can't go . . . too hard to connect myself to it. Fit yourself within a framework of what works for you. It's like a salad bar; if you don't like this plate, move on. We hope you find our little corner of the world a pleasant fit for what you need. We try to be supportive and accepting of everyone. If we can help, just ask. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, The doctor seems to think this is either from heat (I don't like hot summer days - typical Canadian) or from exhaustion. I slept for the last few days straight, why you didn't hear from me. Now I feel a lot better. Maybe my body is beginning to fight all those nights of staying up to care for my sweetie, and then trying to care for my children through the day too. Can I be dumb or what??? My daughter told me the nursing home has been exactly what we've needed for months. I have to say the pretty little girl's right. Like daughter, like father? How ya doing, my dear friend? Are you okay in the summer heat? The kids lost their electricrity, and they're just west of you. I hope you still have yours. I know that feeling you said of families not wanting to listen to us. Even through a long illness, I think I've become absorbed in it, so it's become a part of my existence. My present myopia within her health issues can be a drag for a topic. College will be a great thing for you, girl. Go for it, and know that I'll be here, cheering you on every step of the way. I'm so excited to hear you're going to hit the books. When you graduate, we're gonna celebrate! luvz,hugz,me

[withani]

CindySue....I know what you mean about 2 years and still crying...I thought it would stop by now too but it doesn't. For me it's not an everyday thing anymore...just a one to two times a week which is an improvement. I'm not exactly sure how you feel about this but I think the grief is just something you end up getting used to living with. I don't know if it EVER stops. That's why understand your thoughts of being scared to go out with anyone. I don't have a problem going on a date or two but then I just run for the hills!!! I feel like I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend...I'm Gary's girlfriend!!! Very much scared too...scared it a relationship is started and something happens to that person!!!! Only you can decide what's best for you...you may need to experiment a bit...you don't have to have a relationship with anyone you go have a drink or out to dinner with girlfriend!!!! If you make that clear to them up front that you don't know if you're ready for anything but going out on occasion might be nice at least you're being upfront.

Have a peaceful day my dear friend....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...not surprised heat/exhaustion was getting to you and glad to hear you're feeling much better now my friend and no you're not dumb...just someone who loves his family very dearly...I'm glad the nursing home has been a positive experience

I DO have electricity here fortunately...hopefully it won't go out but if so it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

I know what you mean about speaking about Mary's long term illess as being a drag topic....fortunately for some they're not walking in your shoes...I'm glad you have support here Mark!!!

College...I'm excited...waiting to hear back on my FAFSA so I may not be starting classes until the winter in the evening. I would keep my job at the rehabilitation center. I feel strongly this would be a positive step for my future and I won't feel as bad in a little apartment with the mindset of hey..I'm a student..this is how we live...hehehe

I hope you have a peaceful evening Mark...as always..your support and encouragement warms my heart...thanks!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

cindisue and Mark, you are right, I just wanna make the right thing..I am so lonely and sad and I am not givin this guy a chance but now I keep gettin asked out by others and now I guess I am pulling back..I am comparing to much this guy is nice he's a little over 6 feet but but only weighs like 160 where my Roger was 6'3 and weighed over around 250 I guess I am used to them being so big built..I know this is not fair..I should never compare..but I need more time to think in my head am I doing the right thing my main focus is on taking care of byron and makin him happy..and I can't leave him with a sitter I never been without him he is my life I want him with me every second my love for him is so strong I wanna protect him and be the best mommy..he could ever have..guess I want to be mommy and daddy to him..I can't even go for a drink with my friends cause I am afraid someone will look at me and ask me out and I don't wanna hurt them by sayin no..I am gettin where if a guy even looks at me in a grocery store and smiles I run almost out of thier so he does'nt try to talk to me..not sure whay I am this way..just scared I think..just don't wanna be hurt no more..well time for bed again..I love you and Mark alot and Mark thankyou you are so wise my heart will let me know when I am ready..if I ever will be,,thanksyou for not thinkin I am crazy..love u both so much..byrons syas hi cinny thats are he says cindisue and he go hi mork he tries so hard..lol..and he says I wuv woo..cause he saw me writing this..but did'nt have time to send it till now..

Love you all,

Cindy and Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, with all you have to deal with this summer, you need time for Cindy, and this is plenty. Byron is a handful, so you have more than enough just being mommy. You don't need to think of being mommy and daddy, cuz his daddy is always with him. Give yourself time to work through your emotions. Can you get some counseling? This may do you the most good. Hi, Byron. Now, when you believe you're ready, don't play into comparisons, because you'll only break his and your hearts. Nobody is like Roger, and you know it. Nobody is like Gary, or like my Mary. We can never go chasing rainbows. We'll just end up needing glasses, or arthritis meds. Take it easy on yourself, and don't beat your heart up any more than it's already been beat up. All in due time, girl, all in due time. luv ya's, hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, college is going to be the best thing you could have ever done for yourself. If I could get away with it, I'd go after my doctorate, but since my brain surgery, there's little point in pursuing it. What good is a PhD to a guy with no memory? The absent minded professor? hehehe. I'm happy I was able to get a Masters degree. For now, I'll impart my knowledge to my children and their children, well, I'll wait a while to start teaching my grandson. He's only five and starting kindergarten this fall. It's taken years to build a relationship with my family, but I'm happy for what relationship I have. It may be strained, but a few of them are now somewhat supportive. I'm still closer to you than most of them, but this is okay. We're growing. They're of the mindset that I should dump my wife and move on, but love is stronger than stupidity. How can people think that way? It boggles my mind! This may sound funky, but when I need a mom, I have a friend who is more like a mom than a friend, and her kids all call me their brother too. They're the greatest "family" I could ask for. I'm always here for you, my dear friend. Try to stay cool. Find a pool, jump in, and have some fun! luvs, hugs, Me

[withani]

CindySue...I know EXACTLY what you mean by trying to find someone with the same weight/height/and features as your beloved Roger. I am guilty of the same thing...I just want to hug someone of the same size with my eyes closed so I can pretend. When I DO date...it's generally one or two times and I do my disappearing act. I don't think I'll ever be as close to another man as I was with Gary....it hurts TOO MUCH!!! Fortunately we both have had children and grandchildren to fill up some time....and my friends have been wonderful about letting me tag along...

That's so cute that Bryon called me "Cinny"...give him a kiss and hug from me. We'll see better days girlfriend...I just thank God that I've met you and Mark here. I feel like you're the only two that REALLY UNDERSTAND....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark....I'm impressed...Masters Degree...I should have known. I liked your reference to the Absent Minded Professor..teehee. Yes...I do thing going back to school would be a positive in my life...just waiting to hear back from FAFSA so I can get the ball rolling.

I'm sorry to hear many in your family are of the mindset of dump your wife and move on. Sad to say...and I don't know how anyone can think like that unless they have never been in love. I am greatful to have had the experience and living on the love Gary and I had will last me a lifetime. I'm proud to know a man like you Mark who is staying beside his wife...commendable at the very least.

Take care my dear friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Gosh everytime I get a letter from you cindisue and Mark I cry cause you 2 are the greatest..I am so nervous al over again Aug the 1st is commin up the 2 year mark when Roger passed away..hope I can deal with it that day..this guy is so hurt..cause my emotoions towards him changes so much..one time I am fine with him the other time I want him away from me and get this we have not even meant just talked through the net we been doing that almost a year..but lately have gotten closer..but he keeps buggin to meet me and get with me..but he is so different the Roger which I know he can't be the same..my heart is broke cause I am hurtin him and I don't want too..Byron is so cute he tries so hard to do the littlest things...he loves to be hugges and kissed all the time..now he kisses everyone and its cute all the people at Krogers know him and talk to him and he grins at them and says I wuv woo too..he seems happier then he had been he is such a sweet little guy..don't know what I would do without my angel..well time for me to head back to bed since its 5am I gt up and got a drink and decided to write you all.thanks my swet friends for always be here for me..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and baby Byron

[klynn630]

Thanks for your words everyone.

I do think the drinking has the potential to be a problem. Especially since there are people in my family who have had addiction problems. Once again, I know the problem is there, but I don't have the drive and motivation to fix it. It just feels like a viscious mess of a circle that I can't find my way out of. I know that my daughter should be more than enough motivation for everything, but it just isn't happening. I know only I can do all these things for myself that will help me. Yea, I have great friends and family but they don't have a slight inkling of what it feels like to be me.

I know exactly what you are talking about CindySue. I just want to clone him or something! Strangely enough, I did go on a date since he passed. When I think back to then and now, it's crazy. That is how I know I was in complete denial. The problem I have with the whole dating scene is, not only do I know I'm not ready but also what goes along with that is my body craving affection that I can't let it have. Once again, a messy circle where I end up back where I started.

I think I'll hold off on the group thing for now. I rather one on one talking anyway. This kind of thing is so overwhelming that it would probably just be too much to handle. Anyway, thanks for listening.

k

[klynn630]

I just wanted to share an experience I just had. I thought typing it out may help since I'm still shaken up. I just went to the post office and as I was waiting in line, I started to get really panicky. I had to fill out forms for packages to be sent overseas and I couldn't concentrate. I had sweat pouring down me(I never sweat) and I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. I told the woman behind the counter that I would be right back. As I was walking to my car, I fully intended to leave the packages there and just pull off. I decided I was going to call when I got back home since I didn't have my cell phone with me. I got in and turned the key and let the cool air blow on my face. I started taking deep breaths and decided to get ahold of my self and go back in. When I walked up the woman asked if I was okay. She said she was about to come outside and ask. I told her that I really wasn't, that I was really panicky. She told me that she used to have panic attacks all the time. She started talking about this and that (I knew she was distracting me), and I let her. She had a fan behind the counter that she pointed in my direction to help with the heat I felt all over my body. I so very desperately just wanted the floor to swallow me. I filled out one of the customs forms upside down(that's how much I wasn't concentrating), and when it was time to enter the pin number from my debit card, I couldn't get it to enter right with the electronic pen. I kept hitting the first number and everytime I would click it, it would put three of the first number. She told me I might want to hit it harder because I was being too gentle. I had to laugh. I'm always told that about everything; my voice, my emotions, etc. But I thought that if I concentrated on it as hard as I could, I'd get it right even though my hands weren't listening to what I was trying to tell them. I'm actually giggling about it now, but I sure didn't feel like it at the time. I told her before I walked out, "This was a really strange. Kind of felt like the Twilight Zone. I just want to say how much I appreciate you being patient and understanding and helping me through it."

These are the times when I think Angels are real. She was my angel today. I need to make sure to send her a card and what ever else I can do to show how her much I appreciate what she did.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Um, didn't I tell you about the Masters degree, CindiSue? I'm sorry. You're right about the love thing. My foster care years will say enough. I had another one of those little seizures hit me today, so my aide went out to the store and got a few bottles of Gatorade, which seemed to help. This makes us think it's heat and exhaustion. Maybe I need to behave and rest? I'll try, CindiSue. Keep cool, girl, and don't worry about getting all the paperwork done for college. It's just a detail, and in due time, you'll be a student (a grandma, but a student). I'm always here for ya. luvz, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

klynn630, your experience shows you're just a gentle soul. I like what you said about cloning, although we may not like what we got if we cloned them. My daughter wouldn't be the same for sure - I mean, how can I expect to match the perfection of her mother's eyes? My wife and I have been together over twenty years, and I can't think of my life any other way, even if she's fighting this illness. When the moments of panic begin, try to keep this thought - this is only a moment, and this panic feeling will end soon. Just breathe. I'll keep a kind thought and prayer for you. Mark

[withani]

Klynn630....I know exactly what you mean by the panic attacks...fortunately as time moves on after a year and a half they lessen. The entire first year after Gary's passing I was on the prescription xanax which helped me get through the day. I kept finding myself in post offices...grocery stores..daily errand type things crying and not being able to stop or so confused I couldn't fill out a simple form. Don't be too hard on yourself and know it's just something we go through. Keep in mind one day at a time...one minute at a time...cry when you need to but above everything else be good to yourself. Don't feel bad about thinking your daughter should be enough to want to make you do that...the grief is so OVERWHELMING our minds our somewhere else and our physical body is left here just trying to get through the day.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...I think it's pretty common when it comes to the "dating thing" that you that two steps forward and two steps back...it is for me anyway. I don't like hurting anyone either but always remember to be true to yourself...that is the most important. The thought of anyone calling be their girlfriend freaks me out!!!!

On a lighter note...I'm going out of town with my sisters this weekend and am very much looking forward to a trip away. It's something we wanted to do together since my mom has passed. Have a peaceful weekend girlfriend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...you probably did tell me before that you have your Masters but if it's been anytime in this past year I've forgotten. My short term memory has definitely been challenged over the past year and a half....people tell me all the time...don't you remember...I told you about this and it's as if I've heard it for the first time...sorry.

I'm going away for the weekend with my sisters to a Bed and Breakfast and am looking forward to...we've been wanting to spend some sister time together since my mom passed.

Please keep yourself hydrated my friend and I hope you have a peaceful weekend....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hey everyone..well remember that guy I told ya all about that I been talkin to on the net..well I guess he can't take rejection good he called me names and said all I am is a spoiled little queen that need s attention all the time..and I told him he was just mad cause I don't want to meet him he has to much of a temper..and he said don't flatter yourself your not all that..then he had enough nerve to say that I need help and that I had Roger wrapped around my finger thats how I made my marriage work so long..I told him thats funny you seem to know me and Roger and never meant us..he said Roger must have been a timid man..well talk about being pissed he had no right ..thats pretty low when you have to put someone that has died down..I mean my gosh what is wrong with this guy..he cusses all the time and I am not used to that cause Roger never cussed or anything...I sure don't want a guy like that aroung Byron..he told me I have alot of metal problems..and he go's here I gave you my love and you can't except it..I don't or never loved him I told him then he got all pissed..and said don't worry cindy I won't have problems finding a girl and he said in case you have'nt noticed I am not too hard on the eyes..well I told him I am not worried about finding a man when the time is right and then he got all mad and said please don't flatter yourself..what gives with this man??? is he like obsessed or crazy..or am I doing somethin wrong I can't tell someone I love them if I don't feel it..this guy is crazy and I want nothing to do with him..he makes me feel like I am ugly and stupid and not all thier and right now I don't need to feel that way..he even told me not to date anyone cause he said I would only hurt them too....well I am sorry everyone this guy just makes me so mad..I rather be alone then to deal with a crazy guy like that..well time to check on Byron Cindisue and Mark and everyone I hope you all are doing great love you all so much..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I'm sorry. Real gentlemen do not act in such a degrading way, ever. So, he thinks he's good looking. I wonder if he sees his ego as asset or liability? Like a duck's back, girl, just let it roll. You don't need that insanity. He sounds controlling. Now Cindy, stop talking down on yourself, okay. You know you're a very beautiful woman, in the way you look and in your character. Even though alone has its drawbacks, you're better off alone than being hurt by those who think a woman is someone to control or to treat like a trophy. Where did this planet gets such idiots? I may have grown up on the back streets of hell, but I know enough to have some proper manners. A man and woman who truly love each other work at their love and try to nurture each other so they flourish in life. I'm always here, always your friend. luv ya both, with big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it's okay to forget. I can't remember if I even told you about college or not. Forgetting is good. It makes us appreciate learning even more, even if it is more difficult. At any rate, we've all been through far too much to worry about forgetting things. I'm far more thankful for the growth and improvement we've made through the last year. I guess I'd have to admit, last fall was a bit rough. My prayers are always with you. Enjoy the weekend! luvz, hugz, me

[cindysue]

well everyone trouble is brewing the things I wrote you he posted on his profile on ya the whole letter he pasted it and copied it..and posted for all to see..just to let everyone know what I said thats supposed to be private and only for here..so what do I do...I thought I really knew this guy but I should have known he would do this cause I remember he said he done this before to someone else that made him mad..but now I gues he wants the whole world to see this...if anyone can tll me what to do please help cause maybe I am wrong in all in this and just sayin things wrong ..I did care about this man but I know I was'nt in love as I was with Roger but I did love him but it was in the same way..but I screwed up now he is in for revenge I guess..

Love you all,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Sorry Everyone things are better me and him had a talk..I was being really unfair to him so most of it was my fault..he was tryin to help me but I was pushin him away..just I did'nt realize it at the time..he is tryin really hard..I just am not givin him a fair chance and thats not right of me..I was comparing him too much and I can't do that..I am not an angel in this I know I hurt him..and am deeply ashamed I guess I am hurtin worse then I thought I was..I don't wanna push people away from me that really cares..and I know this guy does..its not fair for me to say I never loved him cause I do maybe not in the same way but I can't love in the same way he is different I need to open my heart up..and not hurt anyone just because I am hurtin..so I need friends more then anything tohelp me deal with this pain I am going through consuling is helping me I started yesterday again..and they made me face the boat Roger died in..that was the hardest thing to do I cried and cried..but I gotta get through this cause baby Byron needs me..thanks Cindisue and Mark for being here for me and listening to me..you guys are the greatest friends..Mark hope Mary is ok and she is'nt in too much pain..and please know my prayers are always with ya..and Cindisue girlfriend hope you have a safe trip..let us know how it go's with your sis..well I am off to check on Byron hard to tell if he is sleepin or not..

Love you all,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, anyone interested in having a relationship with another person must consider the other person's feelings first. If he would do such a vindictive thing against you, that he'd hurt such a precious lady by printing something to hurt you, then get away from this situation, and now. It is written in the Bible, "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not rude, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth." I have not printed all of this paragraph of Scripture, but enough to show love's way of doing things. Cindy, your love for Roger is eternal. I've said this before, and say it again; any man who will love you must let you love Roger. This is true love. If this is stressing you, you have my number, and you may call me any hour tonight. I'm awake all night caring for my wife. Permit me to ask, does love hurt others? You answer the question. If love has the right to hurt others, then our world is messed up in a very serious way. I'm going to be praying for you, my precious friend. luv ya both, with hugs, Me

[withani]

Hi Mark and CindySue....I just got back from Bardstown, KY and had a WONDERFUL TIME with my sisters The bed and breakfast we stayed in was an old home built during the civil war and decorated in that time period. Oddly enough...the room the three of us shared had an antique gold mirror above the fireplace just like Gary had and the pictures on the wall were just like the ones my grandmother had...strange but comforting...we are going to go back next year we really enjoyed our stressfree time together...we had massages...manicures...pedicures and much conversation ....

I've read this weekend's posting and just want to add my two cents worth of CindySue be VERY CAREFUL...we crave the closeness we had with our loved ones and need to be patient and let time take it's course. I don't want this guy to hurt you or control you!!!

Mark...I hope you had a peaceful weekend with your sweetie!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, WOW! Sounds like you had a blast, kiddo! I'm happy you had some time for you and your sisters. This is a good thing, a help to the soul. The Civil War, eh? I have this feeling Gary was looking in on you, maybe with a little "green" envy, wishing he could be with you there. Ooooooo, massages! They're soooooooo relaxing. Thank you for your input for Cindy. She's had a lot on her plate for the last few days, and I'm worried about her. Unfortunately, I went back home to play a gig, so I couldn't stay in touch for the last two days. But I'm praying for her, for you, and for every one of our friends here. Now, just because you're back home from a very special weekend don't mean that you don't have to keep on spoiling yourself. You're worth it, so very worth it. Please take good care of yourself. I worry about ya sometimes (someone's gotta, right? hehehe). We're having a good day here, trying to rest, but also repairing the damage to my guitars (gigs take a toll on them - I even broke the tremolo on my Strat). My love isn't doing too well today, but we're also getting one of those 100 degree days, which wipe her out pretty badly. I've been drinking loads of Gatorade, and this seems to help with the seizures. Whatever helps, I'm there. I'll write more later, but for the moment, I need a nap. luv ya, hugs, Me

[cindysue]

Hi everyone I am so down today today the 1st is 2 years now Roger has been gone..I remember him dieing exactly at 8:25pm thats when they pronounced him dead..I can't believe how vivid these memories are still ans the whole scene of the boat..I wish it would all go away..I can't stop thinkin about it without cryin..man the pain is so unbearable..your right Mark my love for Roger is eternal and we had somethin that I can never forget..he was my world..but I know I have to let him rest in peace now..his time on eath is done..as sad as I am about it I know he is in a happier place..I blame myself alot for alot of stuff for when I am interested in someone I compare how do I stop doing that cause its not fair too..its not far to me or the guy..I know I can feel myself do that but can't stop myself and its not right I never give anyone a fair chance..I know with this consuling its helpin me to cope and not to compare..and be stronger..today I went to the cemetery to put flowers on Roger's grave..and little Byron put a pice of candy on the grave and said that for daddy..today is was so hot the heat index was 105 to 107 and Byron got really sick and had to be taken to the hosp..he passed out ..but he is ok he just got too hot..he can't tolerate heat specially with a heart condition my poor baby..I was o scared after seein his daddy and the grave I put him in the car and he went limpp so I hurried and took some wipies he came too but I still took him to the hosp..to get checked out this is the second day in a row he had to be taken to hosp.. cause of the heat today it got to 98 degrees ..and heat was so humid..but anyways he is fine now and sleepin but it sure scared me..of all days for him to get sick...well I need to check on him and lay down its been a gosh aweful day.. too many sad memories..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and baby Byron

[withani]

Mark...you're absolutely right about the sister weekend being good for the soul...and Gary's mirror as well as my grandmother's pictures made it all the better. How I wish Gary could have been there but I DO feel in many ways he was/is....

I worry about CindySue too...this journey is harder than I would have ever imagined and it seems like you have to look around every tree for the wolves!!!! This is where I'm finding patience is definitely a virtue...we are forever changed...

It is VERY HOT HERE!!!! I'm glad you're drinking plenty of Gatorade...give your sweetie Mary a hug from me and please take care...I'm sure you're lovin' working on the guitars

Love and hugs....CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi kids, I'm still here, staying as far from the heat as possible. If I ever get the chance, I'm moving back home so I can get out of this sweltering stuff.

Cindy, I hope things are starting to settle down again for you, girl. I'm worried about you. Take care of yourself, and don't let stress keep you from your routine of caring for your iron, for Byron, or spoiling your grandkids.

CindiSue, Stay cool (temperaturewise, cuz you're already cool in my book). Changes. . . I know, girl. But, one change in our lives that has been the best thing in the world has been meeting and knowing you dear ladies. You're priceless to me. While some things are sad and painful, I'm very blessed to have such friends as you. Yep, I'm behavin', stayin' as full of liquid refreshment as possible, and having a little fun with my other stuff too. The heat is getting to me, so maybe I'll try to take a nap tonight. This is beating on me. I'll give my honey that hug. here's one for each of you, my friends, one for Byron too, with luv, me

[withani]

Mark....I agree our friendships here ARE priceless...I'm thank God I came across this site and the people here...it has made carrying the weight of grieving just a little lighter...

Busy with the grandsons this weekend...went swimming this afternoon and now going out with some friends to an outside summer party...keep hydrated my friend....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Withani, Sounds like you're enjoying your weekend, kiddo. My grandson called me to tell me about the fish he caught (the kids are camping in Minnesota). The little guy starts kindergarten in thre weeks. My daughter is afraid of notes from the teacher saying he's kissing all the girls. He's such a little flirt! I wonder who's gene pool he got that from? hehehe. Well, girl, we're runnin' outa days for the barbie, so maybe you should light the bugger, and cook anything you can. Have you ever barbied corn on the cob? It's awesome! Of course, I have to be careful, cuz my cat's a vegetarian, and she eats corn on the cob (I'm serious!). She's a nut.

I'm going to get some sleep now. It's 3am. Have a great day. luv ya, with big hugs. Me

[aprilsmom]

Hi Mark and everyone, time is passing- bringing us closer to that day when we will ALL be together. I think we'll know each other, that our very essences will bring out that heart joy and we will laugh. Until then, I know our kids and spouses want us to "get it right" and there will be enjoyment again in seeking His promises. I called my sister-in-law who moved out of state; we hadn't talked in a long time. She told me that when she got the phone call about April's accident she got in her car and immediately headed for the house. She said she was hysterical and all of a sudden she heard a voice saying, "It's alright, I have her, she's right here with me".....wow, my poor sister-in-law said she about wrecked the car right then. She said she's only told a few people that story, not even her husband. I hope it helps someone here today; for me it was like getting a spiritual scrub brushing over my angry/sad/lonely heart. I am looking to the future when the grief will be "softer". Hang in there all of you! Mark, what has happened to Trish? I wonder about her and James all the time.

Affectionately,

Renee

[withani]

Mark...yes the weekend was enjoyable with the babies...swimming Saturday and then going out with some friends that evening. I love corn on the grill!!! I haven't had it in sooooooo long...I don't know how to operate my grill...Gary gave it to me and it's different than the typical gas grill so the only time I have something grilled out is when I'm over a friends home.

Last night I ran into a couple people that Gary and I knew from dancing in local spots...it's funny but we were known in this area for how much we loved to dance together...anyway I went to say hello to this couple and they asked me "where's the big guy"....well..I ended up standing next to them just sobbing....very difficult...after I walked away I could still feel them just staring at me....I hadn't expected to encounter someone who didn't know and took me by surprise...

Wow...kindergarten...a big mile stone!!! He DOES sound like a piece of the old block...and so does your nutty cut...lol...

I'm glad you're enjoying the barby and that you had a decent weekend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Renee...it was strange to read your posting and read what your sister in law told you "It's alright...I have her"....those words are very similar to the words the psychic told me in January when she said my mom (who passed in November) has Gary. You're right...it is a spiritual scrub brushing and God knows we need as many of those as we can have. A softer grief would be just what the doctor order...I had an "incident" last night that I wrote Mark about...it seems like we never know when we're going to be blindsided by these...I hope you had a peaceful weekend...always thinking of you...love and hugs...Withani/CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, these stories are what happen when we lose someone. When my grandfather died, I was in Toronto, about ten hours very fast driving in a big truck to the family. I still had to go home, where my girlfriend had packed our things and loaded the truck (the small truck, silly). While I was driving like Jehu, I kept hearing one of those things. After all the years, the words slip what's left of my mind. While my girlfriend and I were together in the pickup, we both could feel a presence, more like a soft, gentle peace. My grandfather was a kind, gentle man, who never spoke negatively about anyone, nor did he use profanity (maybe he's the reason I don't talk that way). My girlfriend and I talked a lot about feeling so peaceful on that ride, cuz our rides to see the family were usually stressful (didn't get along).

I talked to Trish earlier. She's just a little out straight this summer. She's hosting one of James' sons, who keeps her running. She needs this. She's a great woman and friend. I think the world of her.

Now, Renee, I want you to do something for yourself. You gotta pamper yourself a little too, ya know. Aren't you worth it? Yeah, I think so. hugs,luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, that must have been an emotional overload for you, girl. I wish I could have been closer so you could have a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry, but I think I've been a little quiet lately. My emotions are taking a lot of big hits now, and this has me overwhelmed. With all your responsibilities, make sure there's a place just for you, so you can have time a space for you and your personal needs. I learned quickly how nice it is to have my studio when I feel I'm going to cry. It's a place to hide. We all need a place, and space. You're fortunate that your children are old enough and mature enough to understand. My prayers are with you, always. luvs, hugs, me

[withani]

Mark...Emotional Overload was a very good term to describe how it felt. I do take time here and there during the week just to read and be. As you know I'm beginning the process of sending transcripts etc to go back to school which I feel is positive. Also...I'm working on meditation to try and restore some inner peace. I am happy you have your studio...I know how much it means to you and helps preserve your sanity and helps you deal with the full plate you have in front of you...thanks for being such a wonderful friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, good for you, girl. Keep doing what you're doing. Inner peace is a beautiful thing. They just put seconds on my full plate, though. She's in hospital, and the docs haven't yet been able to figure out what's up. So far, they aren't sure if it's heart failure, the dystrophy trying to turn fatal, a blood infection, or ??? If there was a circus in town, I'd run away. But, all we have is John Fogerty from last weekend, and he left already. I was trying to get tickets, CindiSue. I'm not going to offer anyone a concert night this fall, seeing I need to keep the fall clear for my grandson's surgery. Ya know, girl, just when we think we've pegged something about this grieving business, they toss a curve ball and all bets are off. If last week was overload, what's this? hehehe. Keep your sense of humor, boy. Don't let that illness beat your soul into the ground. Talking to myself. Sorry. It's a sign of wealth (if now I only had some money - um, what's money?). Have a great day, kiddo. I'm thinking of ya, praying for ya too. luvs,hugz, me

[withani]

Mark....I'm so sorry to hear about you being on overload...you're right..just when we have some feeling of knowing what's coming next with this grieving business something happens to make us feel like we've hit the wall!!! I've always been a patient person with other people and I'm working on learning to be patient with myself...ride the waves of grief...a bad day doesn't necessarily mean a bad week. Getting back to the basics by enjoying even the simpliest things in life has been helping me and when I'm on overload I've been reminding myself to feel each breath and am working on focusing on only that...

What type of surgery is your grandson having??? My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Mark. Today I learned our Assistant Director's mother was just taken to the hospital and they discovered she has brain cancer...I think she's only in her 40's and it's suspected the cancer is also elsewhere in her body. Her daughter was to have her baby shower at work today. How sad.........

Helps me put everything in perspective yet again...and try to make the most of each day while cherishing my friends and family. God bless you and yours Mark...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm so sorry to hear your Assistant Director's mom is going to be facing this fight. Have hope. They're doing a lot with cancer now. My grandson has to have eye surgery. He has a little wandering eye thing that his daddy also had. I'm having a crappy day. My wife is in hospital, and her doctor just talked to me a few minutes ago. I can't take much more of this. They told me she also has some other disease on top of the dystrophy, and this one has a fifty percent fatality rate. My breaking point was about last Thursday. Before we were married, she lost our daughters to miscarriage. We both wanted our baby girls so much. She even named them. Ten years later, I lost Jenni. It's now ten years since Jenni died. Girl, I can't take this. It's like I have some damned curse hanging over my head. I'm beginning to think I should fear for my daughter's life. Hold onto your hope, kiddo. I don't know how, but we're gonna get through this. But, if I happen to really lose it, would you be willing to find me and drag me off to rehab? luv ya, hugz,ME

[withani]

Mark...hang on my friend...I KNOW there's a lot on your plate right now and you feel like you're at your breaking point but try to remain positive for your own sake as well as Mary's. Even though there's a 50% fatality rate...there's still a 50% living rate and you've been doing your best for Mary to keep her will...don't stop now!!! Keep telling yourself that God does not give you more than you can handle...you have broad shoulders...you've been carrying everyone in the family...it's no wonder you feel a little shakey from time to time. Much less would destroy others. Yes..I will find you and drag you to rehab...that's what friends are for. Go to the studio Mark...love and hugs...Withani/CindiSue

[aprilsmom]

Okay, I need to VENT but first and foremost----Mark, we are all here for you!!!

I was always the supermom that could FIX anything and I'm really MAD that I can't. My 29 yr. old daughter Kristi has been trying for well over a year to get pregnant with what would be my first grandchild. She just did this $700 procedure where they do a wash of some type to the man's sperm and deposit it in the right place at the right time. She found out today that it DID not work and she is devastated. AND MOM can't do a darn thing to help her!!! She says that she doesn't want to talk about it and I know she thinks that losing April and now this are ways she's being punished! My husband just said the right thing to ME: "God isn't punishing her, he's protecting her.....for some reason this is not the time for them to have a baby". Well, I understand that concept but I can't even share that with her because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Thanks for letting me share my frustration......I am SICK of being worthless where my other children are concerned.

Love you all,

Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, as your friend, and as a man, I can see this the way your hubbie does. You, my dear friend, are far from worthless to your other children. They still need, love, admire, cherish, and adore their beautiful mom. Last night I was talking to my youngest about how many other children dear old mom and dad have, most of them in Heaven. I told him mom had eleven miscarriages, and he's known for a while about his step sister. God has reasons for doing things. Otherwise, I'd have nineteen kids living in this world (don't even go there, girl! hehehe). Give Kristi time. She'll talk. At the moment, she's hurt because her greatest dream and desire is to have a baby. My wife and I wanted Christiana so much, but it wasn't meant to be. When she's ready for the emotional part, give her a big hug, and don't wait, but start now, telling her every day just how much you love her. Hey! You're mom. Send her flowers, and dont' forget the card. luv ya sis, with a hug, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey CindiSue (CI), why'd ya have to make me cry like this? Thanks. luv ya, girl. I fear using again almost as much as losing her. And to think you'd be willing to drag me off for my own benefit - yup, you're a friend. Breaking point? I think I went sailing by that a long time ago. I'm feeling a bit down. I'm sorry. Her pain and the amount of suffering from all this is beginning to upset me. I'm spending the rest of the night with some music. For a funny, my fingers will hurt so much tomorrow, I'll be unable to type, but this is okay. hehehe. Thanks for all you do for me, for us. love you, lotsa hugs, Me

[withani]

Renee....I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter Kristi's not being pregnant at the present time and sympathize with you and her. I don't know if I ever told you this but I had two miscarriages...one which was a single child and the other was twins and I can totally understand your's and Kristi's position. The fact that you are "there" for her is more comfort than you could ever know...you are a WONDERFUL mom...by the way...your husband sounds like a GREAT GUY too...seems he always knows the right thing to say to you. Take care and don't beat yourself up over this my friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani