Young Widowhood

[withani]

CindySue...you are welcome girlfriend...hang in there and do what's best for Bryon even when that means being admitted to the hospital...whatever it takes. Christmas for him is where YOU AREA!!! The love of his life!!!!!! We'll get through this....I'm feeling panicky myself because January 2nd is my first anniversary since Gary's passing so you may not see me on the site much the next week...I just want to be low key...you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Mark....You're right...a few more days...I feel much better breathing after January 2nd...memories just flooding my mind. I am getting by actually by doing as little as possible to "celebrate"...just don't have it in me this year. Especially with my mom gone as well. I was looking at a picture tonight of Christmas past where I was sitting on a couch at my sister's with Gary next to me and my mom behind me...never in a million years did I think I'd be on the couch alone.

Gina...I know how difficult January 6th will be for you...my one year anniversary of Gary's passing is January 2nd and I just feel ill over the whole thing. Cause of death for him was acute myocarditis...but he was also taking methadone and prescription pills and drinking heavily. It's kinda like what came first the chicken or the egg????

PEACE...LOVE AND HUGS to EVERYONE...you all mean more than you could ever know...please take care of yourselves over holidays...CindiSue/WIthani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I spent a few Christmases in hospital, so I know how lonely they can be. Looking back, they were better than being home, or worse, those years I was on my own as a teenager. If Byron is in hospital, you'll make it the best ever for him, I'm sure. It's just because you're a very loving mommy. luv yas, moi

CindiSue, memories are the one thing I dread this time of year. Keep yourself well. If you need anything, even just to cry, you know you're always welcome to call, anytime of day or night. Rest well. You're always near your friends. We love you, friend, me

[withani]

CindySue and Mark...bad new here today again dear friends. My Aunt Joyce (who is my mother's sister) passed today on Gary's birthday. She had given up her will to live..so sad. Couldn't we just erase this year???? Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[nickfl]

Hello Mark, CindySue, CindiSue, Gina,

Sorry I have been a little busy the last couple of days. I am sorry about your Aunt CindiSue, especially as you have other things on your mind today, my heart goes out to you.

looks like first week of Jan has a special meaning for al ot of us, my wedding anniversary is jan 4th, as I try to get through this I will also keep you in my thoughts.

Take care

Nick

[nickfl]

Nick

Gina

Sorry it took so long to reply, I hope you are doing OK, I know what's going through your mind, my anniversary is on Jan 4th.

People will tell us time will heal etc etc but I feel the same way as you do. Most of my family and close friends have not seen me since my wife passsed away because they all live in London. i will be seeing them on jan 30th in London, they probably will not know what to say to me.

i don't know what will happen on jan 4th, it's going to be tough, life has definitely changed but we are not alone let's continue to suuport each other through this

Take care of yourself

Nick

Hi Nick, how are you today? My fiance's anniversary is comming up on the 6th of January and it's really freakin me out.I know exactly what you mean by noone knows how it feels to be in this situation, yeah I had family pass on , friends that were close to me , but nothing like this I feel lost in this world truly I'm miserable and I dont know what to do. I'm forever changed, and it's really scary out there alone.My own best friend doesn't seem to know what to do when I start talking about Joe, I want to tell everyone about how he was and I dont want to loose our memories, everyone I know says you'll go on your strong, but I don't know how to get passed that our life together is over. I hope your doing better than I am because it feels like I cant go on

[hurleyta]

CindySue Withani, I am so very sorry to hear about your Aunt Joyce. My prayers are with you.

It is a really hard time, this holiday that is. I know that things are so new for me, but I just am angry and sad and crying all of the time. The other night I was driving home and for the first time, I thought, I need to just go home and die, that is the answer. Then I started thinking about James and my families and how that would make them feel. I started thinking about James and what he would be saying to me if I even tried to kill myself... Then I started thinking about God and that He too would not approve... I went home and cried, cried and cried some more. This scares me, for until then I have been in a state of fog, but for a minute, things felt good and like it would be alright if I was finally with James again. I feel so sad for all of us and know that we are all going through a hard time I just wish that there was something that could make us all feel better. I have ALWAYS been the one that would help the poor and heal the sick, or so I thought. I realize now that I couldn't even do that. James was sick with an addiction and when he talked to me about it, I believed that by him going to the doctor, he would be alright. How wrong I was. He died less than 24 hours later. I HATE METHADONE and wish that more states would outlaw it... I was told that it is outlawed in Mississippi... I know that James was sick and that addiction is a disease, but he wanted to be better, he wanted to Live and Not to die, this is why he went to the doctor. I also know that he wanted to grow old with me and to make me happy. I never thought that I could feel so much pain and anger.... Will it ever go away???

Thank you for letting me vent and to be here for me.

God Bless You All,

Trish

[withani]

Nick and Trish...thank you both very much. As you probably know this year has been EXTREMELY DIFFICULT with my significant other of 11 years passing January 2nd...my mom November 15th and now my aunt December 20th (on my significant others birthday)...I haven't even sent out Christmas cards..I've never not sent them except for now this year...sheeeeeshh

Trish you're right METHADONE is wicked...my SO was on it. He was going to a MD who was prescribing him mass amounts of Vicodin and he was going to AA but still drinking...it was so messed up. I tried to talk to his doctor about this on several occasions but he wouldn't talk to me because of the HIPPA laws. I know what you mean about just wanting to fade away yourself...that thought had crossed my mind on so many occasions and to be honest if it weren't for my children and being afraid of being in hell forever I may have considered that the best option for getting away from the pain...

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH...difficult days for sure...I know I've been crying for almost a year..you'd think there'd be no more tears left....hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Yeah TO Cindisue, Mark ,Trsih and all my friends just was u all to know baby byron is very sick ans is in the hosp...he can;t swallow agood and his heart dodctor is keepin a eyes on him..I pray he gets out real soon...he don't wante me to leave him so I am gonna go back up thier jsut wanred you all to know please pray for baby byron to gett better,,,so he can see Santa,..) I hope he comes home for x-mas thier a possility he will be my figers crossed..well I need to run back to the hops..talk to you very soon..and let u all knows what happens..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

To Everyone ....I am so sorry about that last message the doctor put me on a nerve pill cause of baby Byron being in the hosp..so sick I was takin it pretty bad..and when I wrote that last message to you all I am sorry I did'nt make much since..I am havin a hard time dealing with my baby being so sick and Roger being gone and wishing he was with me to help me..that I am a mess...the doctor said its been a year now Roger's been gone your baby needs you now he needs you to be strong for him while he is so sick...I really am tryin and when I took that nerve pill it really got to me..that I could'nt even think or spell right I am sorry everyone..and Cindisue I am so so sorry to hear about your Aunt that is so aweful my heart go's put to you ..You have had one bad year with losing so many loved ones..I know Gary's date of his death is near the 1 year in Jan..and I know that day will be very hard for you..I will be thinkin of you..it won't be an easy day..I have so many wonderful friends on here that mean so much..Cindisue, Mark, Renee, Trish,and Nick.. all of you I know I probably forgot someone but I still think of you all..my nerves are really bad right now I can't stop shakin cause I am scared..of not being a good enough mommy I wish thier was more I could do for baby Byron I feel so lost ..but I know Roger is with me I can feel him beside me I mean I can even feel a hand on my shoulder..maybe its wishful thinkin I don't know but Its so hard I hate holidays now..but you all know how it feels...Mark give Mary my best and I will write all of you later on the updates on baby Byron..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[hurleyta]

CindySue Withani,

Methadone is the worst. I am a recovering addict, not from an Opiett (spelling) but from Cocaine. I have been clean for 4 years from it. I do understand about addiction and the disease and that when James was at his worst on Heroin he hated himself and life. But he then came clean and went on and that is when I met him. He was clean almost 2 years before he started having a really hard time and wanted to use again. I wish that he never went to see that damn doctor and that I could have told him not to go. I wish I could take it all back. He had just gotten insurance and figured what a good time to use it. It was the first and last time he got to use it. The doctor, the pharmacy and the insurance company that paid for his meds never told either one of us that Methadone and Xanax was a deadly combintation. I later went to the pharmacy he got the meds at and they told me that "no, those 2 should not be taken together." Why didn't they tell us that night??? Why didn't someone tell us, this is not a good idea. I no longer trust in our MD and believe that he killed James. He might as well have pulled a gun and shot him, for that is basically what he did. Now I am so sad and lost and alone...

The day that James was buried his uncle died. I am so very sorry for all of your losses this year. I pray for you and your family. I pray for your strength. You seem like a strong person, from your posts. Take one day at a time. I don't believe that "time heals all wounds" for I can't believe that I will ever heal from the loss of my James. I do believe that things won't always be as sad as they are today. I do believe that there is a God and that when he calls me home, life will be much better for me. Sad, hey? I used to be afraid to die. James was always telling me that everyone dies and goes home to their maker... Guess he knew what I didn't like to think about.

Take care and God Bless you,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, congratulations on the recovery! I've been clean off acid since Feb 9, 1980. I still drank for a while afterward, but quit that too. Like most of us, my greatest fear is starting again, when that sad day hits and I'm alone. My position on addiction is it being a disease that affects our choices and behavior. Methadone and Xanax are capable of horrible consequences together. My wife is on methadone, but not Xanax, for her dystrophy.

To address your comment about time, we grief as deeply as we love. If you love someone enough, you could end up spending the rest of your life grieving. So, you're right.

Take care of yourself. Please give yourself a little special something you will enjoy, just for you. You need a little pampering too. My thoughts & prayers are with you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I'm praying for Byron. Be sure to take care of yourself, girl. I don't want you getting sick too. We're still hanging in there, but it's that time of year, so I'm feeling the blahs. I thought it wouldn't be this bad, cuz I lost Jenni in May, but I want her here so much. luv ya both, big hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone, and Happy Chanakah. hugs for all! Keep it light, and go easy on yourselves. Do a little special to show yourselves that you matter to you.

We'll be out til Monday, depending on weather, health, and the cost of diesel fuel. Til then, luvz, Me

[hurleyta]

Mark,

Congrats to you too!!! I had to quit everything at the same time or go back to it all... I just never wanted to chance that. I got to meet James and my 10 month old niece today. What a WONDERFUL thing this is... She is such a little love of a little girl... She took to me right away, my sister in law said that she didn't know if she would. I think that she could sense my loss and wanted to help to cheer me up. She did that, even if it was for a short time. I kept on looking so deep at her and visualizing it for James. I pray that he got the messages that I was sending his way.

I pray you all have at least a little bit of cheer this holiday. I know it isn't easy, but I also told myself that I would only allow myself a few minutes to cry each day that I am here on vacation. I hope it works!!!

Hugs to you all,

Trish

[withani]

To All My Friends Here I didn't want the weekend slip by without wishing each and everyone a peaceful Christmas...I wanted to stay in bed all weekend with the covers over my head but forced myself to do what I always do on Christmas Eve and that is have my children open their presents and have an Open House with refreshments. Boy I didn't feel like it but now the pressures off and it's done....

Mark...thank you for such a kind posting...this week is extremely rough and coming up on January 2nd is the one year anniversary of Gary's passing. I just feel sick about it but know that it's coming and am trying to brace myself. I hope you and Mary can share a peaceful holiday with the family.

Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

CindySue...dear dear girlfriend...my heart goes out to you having baby Bryon in the hospital. You're stronger than you know sis and I'm sure you'll make the best of the holiday with Roger as your guide. Love u...CindiSue/Withani

Trish...Interesting posting on the effects of methadone and xanax. Gary had an MD who I believed was responsible for handing him methadone..xanax..vicodine..ambien..like candy. He actually called Gary's home one night several weeks before he passed at 4am and told him he lost his medical license for his third DUI in a five year period. I tried to talk to this doctor on several occasions but he wouldn't talk to me because of the HIPPA laws. I don't trust MD's either. I hope you can find some peace friend eventually. It is very very hard...the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with and will forever be changed..as we all are. Hugs and love..CindiSue/Withani

Nick...wishing you a peaceful Christmas and thank you for the sympathy towards my aunt's passing this week. Extremely difficult year with Gary...my mother and now my aunt. Hope you can find some peace over the weekend. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

Renee...dear friend..you are in my thoughts and prayers over the weekend...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Everyone, I wanted to let you know Byron got worse Christmas eve and had to be back in ICU he was not doing good and it was actually touch and go and I cried so many tears thinkin no I can't lose him too he is my baby but I just got to seein him and he is better he is back in reg room his fever finally broke so thier is a miracle maybe Roger helped..anyways I am so happy for the first time ...losing Roger is hard and I cry each and everyday but when I thought I would lose baby Byron too words can not explain the pain I was in and feeling but now I am so happy he is improving and now the doctor says in a few days he will be home to me...I stayed with him day and night holding his hand and kissing him and talkin to him and now my sweet baby is gettin better I know Roger was with him..Cindisue thankyou girlfriend for the kind and thoughtful message..and your prayers for my baby..I hope your doing ok and holding up ok I know you have had a rough year also but we all love you and are here for you..Mark, Thankyou again for sending a package for Byron I will never forget the genoristy of your kindness and to see Byron smile again after being so sick made me feel so good...Trish thankyou for always sending em messages asking about Byron you a sucha wonderful friend ..words can not explain for all your kindness and concern fo Byron and me...I wanna wish everyone the best Of Christmas maybe now I can actually smile knowing Byron will be ok..

Love u all,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Good morning, everyone.

Trish. Thanks for that. Recently, I'm amazed at being clean still, with all this stress. In about 4 weeks, I'm planning to spend a few days with my greatest stress reliever, my grandson.

CindiSue, you always have a shoulder to cry or lean on. I'll even bring extra tissues. We may not know why all these things have to be, but we're blessed by the fact that our sorrow has brought us all together. Your friendship means a lot to me, Renee and Cindy. I know our new friends here feel the same. If you need that shoulder next week, just call, and I'll be there.

Renee, I know this hasn't been easy for you and your family this holiday. It's painful, but God is always there. The comfort may not come from an angel, but from a friend, or a total stranger. I'm praying for you.

Take care today. Give yourselves the breaks you deserve. hugz,luvz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, I'm happy to hear Byron is doing a little better. Take care of him, and yourself. You don't have to think we did anything special for Byron. It's just a little Christmas fun for a child. Now behave yourself today, girl. tee hee. luv yas, big hugz, me

[hurleyta]

CindySue Withani,

I know that my life will forever be changed by James death. I actually had the doctor call me and request James death certificate, he claimed that in order to fill out an insurance claim, he needed it. I faxed him a copy excluding the "cause of death." He signed off on the insurance papers right away and even sent me a copy of them... I guess that he is nervous, as some of my friends told me that he is not prescribing Methadone anymore. He is now refering patients to Methadone Clinics (wonder why?) I want this to be stopped. These doctors who hand out pills to anyone for any reason. James had never seen this MD before and all he did was to listen to James story, weighed him and took his blood pressure, then to prescribe these 2 meds, I don't get it. Shouldn't some other tests have been administered??? I go to a Pain Management Clinic and they always drug test us before they will see us, to make sure of what is in our systems... Although I do know that you can foil a drug test, but none the less, they do this for their own protection. Plus they make us sign a sheet on the pharmacy our scripts will be filled at and we are unable to get them filled at other pharmacies without permission, etc... I have a bulging disk in my lower back and they are going to be doing some epiderols on 1/5/06 and try to get me off of any meds... I pray that it works...

I pray that everyone had some peace during the Holidays. I know that mine is my 10 month old niece, although I cried when I met her. I know that James loved her too and would have wanted to be here with me...

Love and prayers for you all,

Trish

[withani]

Mark...CindySue..and Trish...isn't it funny how are guiding angels are all in tiny little bodies...Mark's with your grandson...CindySue with baby Bryon and Trish with your 10 mo. old niece..and of course mine with my grandson Peanut

Mark...you're right about all us being blessed on this site...you have been such a very dear friend and I can't thank you enough for being the shoulder I've leaned on month after month. I'm feeling after getting through this week hopefully I'll be able to get back into life but as you know this week will be a rough one..Gary passed January 2nd and was so angry with me when I couldn't go out on New Years because I needed to babysit Peanut...I told him next year for sure and we'll go out New Years Day...little did I know there would never be a next year. Please do something special for you and Mary on New Years Eve..we never know when it will be the last...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

CindySue...I am so happy girlfriend to hear about baby Bryon being back in a regular room. So sorry Christmas Eve was spent in ICU but you made it!!!! All by yourself!!! Woohoo!!!! I have a feeling 2006 is going to see a MUCH STRONGER CINDYSUE...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Trish...you're right..your life will forever be changed by James passing. Unfortunately it seems that James had to die in order for others to live by this doctor NOT prescribing Methadone to others and not know what he's doing. So sad...we put our trust in the medical profession and think if they prescribed it we're okay. A couple months before Gary passed he had pneumonia and he had just been to his doctor the day before...I put him in my car and took him to the Emergency Room of the hospital..he would have passed away then. All his doctor could say is "I don't know how I missed that"??!! I hope the epiderals relieve your pain...I've never had a bad back but Gary did and I know the pain can make you rely on other things just to relieve it. My sister had back surgery last summer from a slip disc where they took out part of her hip bone..ground it up and replaced it in her back. She's doing much better know. Peace for the New Year girlfriend...the journey is long...love and hugs..CindiSue/Withani

[hurleyta]

CindySue Withani,

You are right, James did have to die for a reason. I have had these questions that have been really bothering me since he died. I had the STRANGEST dream last night/early this am. I dreamt about James and was able to ask him some of these questions. In my dream I told him that I thought that he was dead and he told me that he was. I asked him also how I could feel him if he was dead and he told me because he loved me he would be with me forever. I then got to ask him some of the questions that I had and he apologized to me for leaving me. You know that this dream seemed so real to me, I have been crying today just thinking about it. I don't know, but for some reason, I believe that James was able to communicate with me through this dream and to try to help me to understand his passing... Does this sound strange???

I am so glad to have our little angels to help us to pull throw these holidays. I will be leaving here in 2 days and only have one more day with mine. Last New Years was something big for us... I will really miss James. I remember the day he died, he wanted me to get up that morning, really early, but I kept on telling him to just go back to sleep and that I would get up in a little bit. I wish I could take it back and have those last few hours with him. But as we know, we can't change the past, but only move on from it.

Love and peace to you,

Trish

[withani]

Trish...I don't think your dream is strange at all..I believe that James IS trying to communicate with you. He's still with you girlfriend...just not physically. There is a really good site here called ADC's (after death communications) you may find interesting...it's about communications..dreams...visions. I have found it to be very helpful in helping me understand messages I had gotten from Gary. Don't beat yourself up over not wanting to wake up a couple hours early...unfortunately we can't rewind our lives...how I wish we could. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue,hello girlfriend hows things going and how are you holding up??? Me I am doing ok I guess just tryin to be strong and It is'nt easy..with Byron still sick I am feelin so alone..my b-day was nothing fun about it ..It was so lonely without Roger I always was with him and I miss him sooo much I wish he could be with me holding me while we are beside baby Byron Its lonely sitting their by myself cause the nurses always ask me is his daddy commin up and then I gotta tell them his daddy my husband passed away last year..and then they are so stunned they don't know what to say..cause they think its so sad cause Byron kept sayin Dada all the time in the hosp..I have a strange feelin that Byron sees him in thier cause the nurses tell me they see him and hear him giggle and jabber away sayin Dada..and they look and no one is thier..so I think in my heart when I am not thier Roger is to keep our baby company and to keep him safe...do u think that could be it??? I don't know what to think when the nurses tell me but it reminds me when he is home he does the same thing every morning ..so this can't be a little kids amagination he is only 2 ..he can't just amagine..well anyways I wanted you to know I was thinkin of you..will talk to you soon my friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, My sweet and wonderful friend how are you doing?? sorry I have'nt written you last few days been busy at the hosp..thiers a very strange thing I need to tell you the blanket you sent to Byron well lastnight the nurses put it on a chair so they could check him and when they came back to the room the blanket was back in his crib..and no one put it in thier and when they walkeed in Byron was jabberin away sayin Dada holding his blanket..and the nurses were all stunned as to how it got back in his crib I believe in my heart Roger put it back in thier..what do you think??? I am curious is it possible how else could it happen and Byron smiling and sayin Dada shortly after that..well anyways I wanted to write you before I head to the hosp..again ..How is Mary??? I hope she is doing ok I worry about her so much and I hate to see people like her linger on and on going through pain you wonder sometimes how much more they can take..I pray for her everyday and think of her often..I hope your doing ok Mark you have to rest more I know your under alot of stress but get some rest for your own health we all love you here and want you to be ok....well back to the hosp...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...yes...I DO think Roger is with Bryon and keeping him safe. Someone told me when Gary passed that he could love me better on the "other side"...maybe that's why Roger needed to go too??!!! I know you have a lot on your plate girlfriend with Bryon so sick...I'm praying for you. I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown here...my Aunt's service is tommorrow morning (she passed on Gary's birthday and the services are on the same day Gary and I first met)...I'm really edgey...January 2nd is the anniversary date of his passing...people keep asking me if I'm going to do something for New Years and I just look at them like huh??? New Years???? Sure would like to pull the covers over my head and come back out on the 3rd or 4th. Love you sis...CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Good morning Mark, Cindi, Cindy (hi to the newbee Trish). Just wanted you to know that I thought about you all while sitting on my nephew's deck overlooking the Colorado Rockies. It was breathtaking. Back home on the desert now and it's 80 degrees....only in California. I pray that 2006 will enfold all of us in the Lord's peace and make our walks less difficult each day.

With Love, Renee

[withani]

Renee...what a beautiful thing to say...I hope and pray for a peaceful 2006 for all of us here. You've been on my mind and glad to hear about the time you spent with your nephew. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, oooo, Colorado! It's so pretty there. I'm always prayin' for ya and your family.

Trish, take it easy on the upcoming holiday. The "festive" can be depressing for us. Please do something extra special for you.

CindiSue, it's okay to hide under your blanket. Don't do anything in the holiday stuff you aren't ready or able to. This is YOUR time. I'm sorry for you with the memorial. You've had so much recently, I'd wish to be able to let you borrow my shoulder for a little bit (with extra tissues).

Cindy, I know it's Dada having fun with Byron's blankey. He's going to watch over his special little boy. Please take care of yourself, girl. It's good to hear he's getting better. Tend to the issues at hand, and if you need anything, I'm here.

We've had a long rough haul for Christmas, and I'm happy it's behind us. She had meds out of whack, causing trouble. Then her pain worsened, which made more trouble. The good news is, tonite she seems to be resting for the first time in weeks. As for me, I'm going to drag the luggage under my eyes to bed and try to rest. Maybe I'll even use a sleeping pill. I can use a little rest.

Have a good Thursday, everyone. hugz,luvz,Me

[desgirl]

Hi Trish, Mark, Cindysue, Cindisue and all my friends here

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks, just been trying to hide myself away from everyone I guess, family, friends, everyone. I'm still signed off work (it will be 8 weeks on Monday that I lost Des) so I've tended to just stay in my flat and read / watch films and stuff. One of Des's friends came round to see me lastnight and it sort of made me think that maybe I should make more of an effort to see people. I know Des wouldn't want me to become a hermit and shut myself away from the world. I'm just trying to psyche myself up for New Year's Eve, as it's the anniversary of the day we met 2 years ago.

I know New Year's Eve will be hard for all of us here. I'll be thinking of you all. I live in the British Isles (can't find any local sites as good as this one) so I guess the New Year will hit me a few hours before it gets to you guys.

There is a park just near where I live where Des loved to play basketball and I've been in touch with the park authority and am going to have a bench put in at the side of the court, with a plaque on it in remembrance of him. I liked the thought of there being something in public remembrance of him which will stay there forever.

I'll send you all peaceful and loving vibes over the next couple of days (I'm a big believer in vibes) ... bye for now, Jodi

[cindysue]

desgirl, I pray for you on this hard holiday wow only 8 weeks is not a long time my friend it will be so hard for you but he will be with you in sprit..Roger's been gone for 17 monthes now and I can't see it gettin easier its so hard to be by yourself my little 2 year old baby he is in the hosp..still sick..with some kind of virus he's been in thier for awhile now they are keepin him longer cause of his heart condition..cause he was pretty bad..I am praying he will come home soon..I hate the thought of spending new years in the hosp..like we did X-mas..I miss Roger being here with me I know he would be beside me at the hops..with his son if he could but I feel he was with us...I am sick and have not felt good I know its nerves and I hate to think of all these happy people celebrating New years while we are alone..gosh I think I been with Roger for 30 years how can I go on alone..we were married 28 I always thought we would grow old together nut he never even got gray hair..life is'nt fair he always wanted a son after we had our daughters and we finally got one and he dies when Byron was 15 monthes old..but I guess it was meant to be..but Jodi I wanna wish you a Happy New year I hope it will be some what happy for you as much as it can be my friend..Bless you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Cindisue,Renee,Trish,Nick and everyone else..Byron is still in hosp..so I am writing this real quick to let you all know..I have not felt good the last week or so nerves I guess thinkin about poor little Byron in the hosp still sick and a new year comming just is'nt good ..I don't like to think of the new year how can it be any better??? I know we all are suffing now without our loved ones and it will be a hard to except but I know they say time heals but I don't know its been 17 monthes since Roger passed away and I can't see it gettin any better all I ever see when I close my eyes is the scene of the way he died and how he died in front of me and the baby..I guess I need to try to get pass that but sometimes I wish I did'nt have to see him die like that and watch them work on him and nothing I could do but watch..but the good Lord had his reasons for that..everything is supposed to happen the way it did...Mark, I hope your gettin the rest you need I know your wore out and havin a hard time with Mary I been thinkin of her alot and hope she is not suffering too much..bless her heart..Cindisue..girlfriend, I know Garys one year Mark of his passing is very near and if you don't come on for awhile we all will understand it will be hard for you..we all love you here and am praying you have a alot better year...Renee I hope you had a good X-mas as much as you could without your daughter..I know it must have been a rough holiday for you. Trish my sweet friend..James is thier with you so I hope your not to depressed I am worried about you have'nt heard from you in awhile just want you to know I am here for you ...Nick I hope you have a good holiday and new years I know its rough without your girlfriend but we are all here for you anytime...well I hope I got everyone and If I did'nt I apoligise just want you all to know I am thinkin of ya..going back to the hosp..to see my baby hope you all have a good new years...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Jodi, it's so difficult to return to the routines we've established after losing the one we love. You need to take care of your emotional needs, one of them for the solitude to remember and mourn Des' loss. It may not be the best weekend to start mingling with your friends, because of the hectic celebrations. Start out slow, and keep the first few gatherings small, simple, and quiet. Most seem to think the lowkey approach is best at first. In time, you'll feel more like doing things you once did.

A friend of mine, who lost his wife to cancer about a year ago, was with me on Christmas Eve. It took me aback to see him with a lady, but then, I thought that I may not be so much different. I'm the type of soul to dislike loneliness and lack of companionship.

Have a pleasant New Years. It will get less painful and somewhat better. Time can heal sometimes, but it's our hearts that do the healing. Hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Cindy! Please, girl, take care of yourself. It's not easy on you to go through all this, especially with Byron in hospital. Try to get the rest you need, and take care of your iron too. I worry about you. In a way, I want to see 28 years, but for the moment, we're praying we can see 20 married. Here's my shoulder for you, anytime you want to soak it with tears. I know how much love you shared.

Christmas was rough and she spent the day after in hospital, but she's home and actually feeling better than I've seen in weeks. All we did was discontinue one med. This doesn't mean we're out of the woods, but at least she's feeling a little better.

Don't let the New Year things bug you too much, kiddo. You have to tend to Byron, and he's far more special than the celebration of a day or even year. He's a priceless little guy. If you want, or if you feel low, please feel free to hit my cell. We'll share a tear and a laugh.

luv ya both, with big hugs, me

[withani]

CindySue..Mark...Renee..Trish..Nick and everyone..beginning a New Year I am actually looking forward to. As you 2005...has been a year of transformation. My life forever changed by the loss of Gary and more recently my mother and aunt. Everythings different including my career having gone from 20 years in Sales to now a Caregiver for Special Needs Children.

I feel it's important for all of us to keep in mind on this very special day that WE are still here and WE all have our each individual journeys that God planned for us before we were ever born. We need to make the BEST of our journeys knowing that our loved ones will always be with us. Monday January 2nd is the one year anniversary of Gary's passing...I'm planning on purchasing a helium balloon with the words written I LOVE YOU and write a small note to attach to the string and send into the universe. I am going to look forward to 2006 and be greatful for all the friends I have made this year who are all part of my journey....

Thank you friends..and...Happy New Year....love and hugs CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, my prayers are with you as you venture into '06, and especially on Monday. Making the best of our journey is a healthy approach. Even though our losses are forever etched on our hearts, I agree with you in the whole idea. Just take each little moment, each day, as well as you can, and know that we're always by your side. You're our friend.

Happy New Year, my friend, hugz, luv, me

[aprilsmom]

Mark - there you are, I was worrying about you. Here's to an easier 2006. Cindi- a girlfriend of mine since the early 70's came to town and asked me out for a drink. We went to a bar with a rock 'n roll band (this sounds like a joke huh:))The band members were old guys (that's for you Mark:)only kidding, couldn't resist). Linda and I got up and danced our little butts off....went back to our table and found our tab had been paid. Well Cindi, we danced a dance for you and your husband because I know how much you loved to (we weren't brave enough to do a slow one though). I tried to give the waitress the money for whoever paid our tab but she said they wouldn't take it - so I hope she enjoyed the big tip. Mark, I forgot how fun it could be going out, listening to great music (linda was a singer for years). I think I can handle a few minutes a year for that "old time rock 'n roll" Love you guys/gals, Renee

[cindysue]

Hey Cindisue, Mark and everyone else..my baby is going home tomorrow..yeahhhhh I am so happy..I miss him so much around here he has been in long enough...he has lost weight but hopefully can gain it back...I went home lastnight to sleep in my own bed I really needed it I have not slept for weeks since he has been in thier..I ;ost around 10 pounds from not eating the doctors keep sayin eat your under weight maybe now I can..I hope everyone had a descent new years eve I cried when it was midnight thinkin of Roger like I am sure all of you did also with your loved ones..I thought of all of you..I felt so lonely my mom and stepfather went out with my sister and her husband makes me sad well I mean I am happy they are going out I just wish I was going out also with Roger..but I guess I need to except that and move on and be happy again..and I will I am determined to try not to dread anymore and wonder what could have been..I am lucky I have Byron to care for he will keep me occupied ..well I am not feelin to great got a bad cold and feelin crappy so I am gonna lay down before I head to the hosp again..I guess I am all wore out..Happy New year all of you..and Cindisue I will be thinkin about you tomorrow..I know how bad that day will be for you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[sunflowergm]

Trish

Hi Trish It's Gina, I was just reading your quote and it made me think allot about what I'm doing to myself. Last nite I was with my friends at a hotel and at about 11 they wanted to go to the bar down the block, I said I was sick and didn't feel like going I was doing some serious drugs by myself I heard eveyone counting down and there I was like a loser doing my thing. It's so crazy after Joe died I swore I would never do drugs again. I talked to my aunt about what I was doing and she says I'm trying to hurt myself like Joe. Last nite I felt like I can't do this anymore Joe's day is coming up on the 6th and It's making me crazy, I'm so much more worse than when he first died and can't seam to come out of it.Last nite was so bad for me I still cant talk or write about Joe without the tears flowing out of me. It's so hard my memories are fading and I want to remember every second we spent together, I really don't know how to continue on. I know Joe would be so mad at me for the way I'm doing this, but I feel holidays are the worst. I havn't put a x-mas tree or any holiday bs in my house since he died, I truly believe I'm dead on the inside. I 'm having such a bad day I don't know how to snap out of it. My mom says I have to keep him in my heart but take him out of my head. How do you do something like that? I would give anything to not feel like this.It hurts my heart to feel so sad I'ts the absolute worst feeling in this world to have. Thanks for letting me vent, talk to you soon.

Gina

[sunflowergm]

Hi Mark,

Hi How are you I havn't wrote in a while, your anniversary is coming up , are you flipping out because I'm not doing so hot myself. Joe's anniversary is on the 6th and I'm going a little nuts doing drugs not doing the right thing at all abd I know it, but its like I don't care at all about anything. Joe and I were going to go and elope the week of the 15th in January and now I cant even say he was my fiance it hurts so much more to say that instead of boyfriend i don't know why. People react so different when you say fiance it's the pity in everyone's face I can't stand.I hope you will be ok on the 4th I know you wont, but I will be praying for all of us in here. Take care talk to you soon.

Gina

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Gina, I'm so sorry it's so painful right now. It's not a big secret of my past addiction, so please don't feel like I'm getting preachy here. Please try to take care of yourself emotionally, and if you need help about drugs, by all means get it. If I can be help at all, please feel free to email anytime. I'll do all I can to help through this difficult time.

I'm sorry you're facing down the emotions about Joe, and how to deal with that word, fiance. Life can seem so upsidedown, unfair, whatever you want to call it. You don't need the pity, but true comfort and support.

the other Mark (this is getting interesting in here with Cindy(i)Sue and Mark - kinda keeps us all on our toes - tee hee)

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, my dear friend, I'm in tears about Byron coming home!!!!! This will be so fun and cuddly for you both. Please try to eat enough, so you can get back to where you need. Byron will get back his weight soon. He's been through a lot, but with a few pizzas, his weight will come back up.

I'll send you both a little note later on. Give Byron a little hug from us all, and here's a few for you. luv yas, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, sorry I've been a little out of it. You understand. I've wanted to have Jenni back so much. My wife has had a few setbacks, but with a med adjustment, she's feeling much better now than I've seen in weeks. This isn't a "healing", but an improvement. We'll accept it, with thanks to God.

Okay, so I'm an old fogey! hehehe. I guess we need to accept I'm old, when my grandson is almost 5. I'm happy that you were able to get out and have a relaxing evening. You need this.

I'm always praying for you and your family. Ya guys ever need anything, just ask. We'll help all we can (even from the other ocean???).

luv ya Christian sister, Me

[withani]

CindySue...Mark...Renee..Trish and Gina...well it's here 2006. CindySue I'm so happy baby Bryon is coming home and I hope and pray for the two you...what a wonderful relationship. Mark...thank you for all the extra support..I've learned trudging forward you have a void that will never be filled but I'm making the best of the day to come in a very quiet way...Renee..thanks for dancing for Gary and I...I've danced since his passing with girlfriends and it is good for the soul but I miss my big guy twirling me...Gina...I know the 6th is going to be tough..my anniversary date is the second...cry when you feel the need to and please take care of yourself..I know what it's like not to feel anything inside and that we have to keep confronting these emotions...I'll be praying for you

Love and hugs CindiSue/Withani

p.s. - please say a prayer for Gary tommorrow

[sunflowergm]

hello Cindysue,

Thank you for responding to me. I feel so selfish sometimes thinking that I'm the only one going thru this, but I'm not. Today is a hard day for you as it is the 2nd I will be praying for you as for myself I probably shouldn't be so anxious about the 6th whats really going to happen its just a bad day and I should deal with it a little better than what I,m doing. Try to be easy today cry get it all out and don't let anyone tell you how to feel.

Gina

[sunflowergm]

Trish,

I'm so happy that you emailed me, I can't get over how strong you've been it has been only 1 month for you, and I'd like to be their for you also.How was your trip? The other day I was so out of it. I felt like my life is over but I'm starting to realize life is what you make it, and I'm not making it so good right now. So it,s time to start doing good things like you said for myself. I don't know what I will be doing but I'll let you know tomorow. Thank you so much for being there for me. talk to you soon.

Gina

[hurleyta]

Gina,

I am glad to see you back here. I know that I may seem to be doing good in my grieving, but like everyone else, it is very hard and some days seem better than others. I keep myself busy, or at least try to. During the week while I am at work, things don't seem so bad, usually, but on the weekends I need more help and am sadder, or so it seems??? But I am glad to hear that you are more positive, even if it is just for today. This is a little bit easier for me, as I was trained, or so to say, to live just for today by going to my 12 steps groups for my addiction. I find that it really helps me now that James is not here any more. I miss him dearly, but I also know that life is short and as you said it is what you make of it. I just choose to try to take it one day at a time and not think too far in the future. When I do, it seems to overwhelm me, so I go back to the ODAAT (one day at a time)... I hope this helps you, but I am always here if you need to talk or vent...

Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers...

CindiSue Withani, I am saying prayers for Gary and for you. I am so glad that the holidays are over. For a minute I didn't think that they would end. My hardest way New Years Eve when I saw everyone kissing (on TV) and I thought back to last year and James and I at midnight. I actually have a picture of us kissing at midnight last year, so I took it out and thought about kissing James so that he would get a visual image from me and know how much I miss him and wished that he was here.

Prayers and care to you,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Good morning, CindiSue. Can you imagine me awake at this hour of the night? tee hee. Mary had a bad morning, so I woke up to tend to her. Then I remembered an email I had to write, which then brought me in here.

The day is now behind your shoulder, my friend. Even though the sorrow lingers, I pray you can be encouraged by getting through the one year day. Do what you need for yourself, even if it's a special dinner just for you. You still need to feel good about you. I'm always thinking of ya, and praying for you and your son, and Peanut and his mommy.

Hope you get the best of days today. I'm always here for you, anytime. luv&hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, congrats! We made it through the holidays. My prayers were with you for peace throughout, so I hope they were answered. To have our losses is bitterly painful. God knows, and He'll give you comfort, just like He promised. Here's a friend's shoulder, anytime you'd like to share a tear and a prayer.

We're doing alright today, but it looks like another pain day. Yesterday was interesting, to say the least. We had a small electrical fire, from a wire that a squirrel ate through. Now I have to find a slightly fried squirrel. Yeeeeuuuucckkk!!!! We're thankful it wasn't one of our cats, especially my wife's siamese cat. She adores that creature.

We'll catch you on the other side of today. Have fun! luv&hugz, Me

[hurleyta]

CindiSue,

You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Trish

[cindysue]

Cindisue..I thought about you yesterday all day and I know it was a year and I know how that day can effect you..I was a basket case the one year after Roger died..it was not easy..so I know what you went through my friend..WEll Byron is home..I am so happy thier but he gave me a rough time sleepin lastnight took me 3 hours to make him stay in bed I guess he was to excited he kept gettin up and going sorry Mama..and huggin me now how can I be stern when he does that..he has a ear infection now so I guess he was restless too..was wierd the last few days things has been happining here the TV would come on itself with no one around them and Byrons toys would go off and then the computer turned off..it was kinda spooky but I am thinkin Roger is doing it is it possible??? I just have a feelin he was tellin me also how happy he was to have Byron home..well Girlfriend I am here for you and Pray for you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue