Young Widowhood

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, is your leg feeling any better today? I hope. The doctor's order is you can't run a marathon for at least a month. tee hee. Get lots of rest. We're planning to do that. I'm so lazy, I didn't wake up til almost 1pm today. Well, maybe not lazy, but I did have a headache, so I got all the mileage I could from it. Men! Tomorrow, I'll have some fun with my children. I hear you got a little snow flurry out there. Riiiiiiggggghhht! If you need, I can shovel out yer driveway.

have some cocoa and watch cartoons with Byron. much more fun than snow.

luv yas,hugs,me

[withani]

Hey CindySue...Mark...Renee and Bubupig..hope everyone is having a peaceful evening

CindySue...watch out for your leg girlfriend...baby it...Bryon needs his mom running through the snow with him. Love ya!!! CindiSue/WIthani

Mark...thanks for the outstanding advice..you're 100% right about anyone I would ever be in a relationship with would have to understand my love for Gary...it will always be.....as far as baking cookies..that's not going to happen I'm not a good cook...will have to come to your house for cookies. I'm glad you're looking into the neurological aspect of Mary's condition. With the young age of 37 I hope there is a miraculous breakthrough to her dystrophy. I know this wears on you my friend...hugs and love CindiSUe/Withani..

Renee...BIG HUG...I'll be doing baby steps with you through the holidays...

Bubupig...Four wonderful years with Craig..how fortunate you have been to find love even when this means losing your soulmate. We understand this here...babysteps...one day at a time...you can lean on us we have big shoulders...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

cindisue, Mark, renee and bubupig..I am here barely I am still having problems with my leg thats what I get for fallin and pulling some tendoms but actually Baby byron has been extra good for me everytime the phone rings he runs to get it and hands it too me,,he's my little helper..I just put him too bed I told him when he turns 3 I will get him a big boys bed hope he strats growing he is still realy small for 2 but he may always be,,,I don't even look forward to holidays mo more I can't wait till its over..makes me sad cause th people we lost most won't be thier and your all understanding what I am saying..well I am gonna prop my leg yp will talk to you all later..Love u all..

Love and Kisses,

Cindysue and Byron

[withani]

CindySue...you're so right about not looking forward to the Holidays...whew...I don't want to hang any decoration but if I don't I'll feel as if I've cheated my 17 year old so I'll hang something...I just don't know when. Also I'm not looking forward to New Year's Eve since Gary passed on January 2nd...we couldn't go out last New Year's Eve because I promised I would babysit Peanut since my son-in-law was going back to Korea for the army on January 3rd. Gary was very angry and came over New Years Eve and I told him we would go out on New Years Day instead and next year (now) we'll go out on New Years Eve...little had a known he'd be gone by January 2nd and we'd never have a New Years Eve again....

I'm so glad there is support here...to all of us!!! Hugs and Love CindiSue/WIthani

[nickfl]

Hi,

My name is Nick. This is my first time here. I am 34 and live in FL. I last my beautiful wife in July this year, she was 31 yrs old, two days away from her 32nd birthday. I am still trying to cope with it and it's hard. I have not met any young people who have gone through what I am going through. i am sure many of you feel the same as I do. my heart goes out to you all. Hope to make some new friends here

Sincerely

Nick

[hurleyta]

Hi Nick,

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the grief and hurt/anger that comes with loosing our loved ones. I lost my fiancee on 11/12/2005. It is a VERY trying time for me, as he was my life. Was your wife ill or? James death came as a total shock to me. I found him in our home. He had an overdose. I feel for you. I too live in Florida and just got myself into a Bereavement class. It isn't a support group, but a class that I am getting to learn that my grief is common and it is alright to feel as I am.

I pray for you,

Trish

[nickfl]

Hello Trish

I am very sorry for your loss too, it was very recent and I know how you must feel right now. My wife passed away suddenly of heart failure, it came as big shock to the whole family and the biggest shock was to me especially as she was young, fit and ate healthy. i lost my best friend, soulmate, the person that was there for me everyday. I have been trying to get through this myself and I have riding an emotional rollercoaster. My biggest problem has been that i have no family here, they all live in England and various part of the USA. As the holidays approach it gets tougher, there are a lot of firsts to come, first xmas, 1st new year, wedding anniversary without my wife. I am going to try some sort of group, if there is any available. I was researching today and that's how I came across this site.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I will say a prayer for you too.

Take care Nick

[withani]

Nick and Trish...hello and WELCOME!!!

I'm so sorry to hear of both your losses...the best advice I can give you is taking one day at a time. I lost my significant other suddenly from heart failure in early January..my soulmate..my bestfriend and it has been a very difficult year. In November..I lost my mother whom I was very close to..

The grief process is very long and just when you think you have a handle on it you feel like you hit the wall..again...

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

This website is wonderful and there are some awesome people here to speak with that are sincere and will give you support. I know I speak for all of us when I say welcome. Most of us here are in our 30's and 40's...

Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

P.S. - There are two CindiSue's here...one with an "i" (me) and CindySue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Nick, I'm sorry you must face this pain of losing your wife. Mine is still with me, still surviving dystrophy. My greatest advice to you is, join a group where you can learn the ups and downs of grief, our rollercoaster ride. If you ask a hospital social worker, they'll help you get in touch with one, some even sponsored by hospitals.

In July, I learned of my daughter's death, after she was raped and killed in California. She was an adopted child, so I was unable to find her before her death. I never met her, but her death is still a father's agony. Here, you'll find a welcome, lots of people to help you, and the freedom to write all you want about whatever you need. We understand your loss. Hope you feel welcome here. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm sorry for this painful loss in your life and heart. Feel free to write about your pain and loss. This is why we're here, to help each other. I haven't lost my wife yet, but as I go through this process with her, the people I've met here are more than those who help me, they're my friends. I know you'll find this true of them too. As I wrote to Nick, I also lost my daughter, Jenni, after she was raped and murdered. I found out in July, but it happened several years ago. She was adopted. Please take the moments of your day one by one. Sometimes, it's best to not take it day by day; too much time to deal with. If you find the holidays overwhelming, tell your family and friends you need to cancel until further notice, and they'll understand. Take care of you, and feel free to write again. You're always welcome here. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey CindiSue, can you believe I made a batch of cookies for my boys last night, and there's only one left(out of 96)? I'm still fighting my way through my future daughter in law's gift, but I'm wondering if I'll finish crocheting that much in time (tee hee). I haven't even bought my grandson's gifts yet. I'm such a procrastinator. My wife had a lousy night last night. I was awake with her til 5:30 am with seizures. Her next doctor appointment is a few days before Christmas. I think I need to readdress the issue of nursing. We still have none (we're working on private hire, but it's not as easy as it sounds . . . wanna job?).

I hope you've had a great weekend. Is Peanut doing okay, and getting all excited for Santa? Give yourself a special for you tonite, cuz you deserve the best. You're the best of friends. luvs,hugs,me

[cindysue]

Nick am so sorry to hear of your wife's passing its not an easy thing to go through..I lost my husband last Aug the 1st 2004 of a massive heart attack while we were on vacation he was 46..he was holding our baby at the time our son was 15 monthes old then he is 2 now...I can't say it will get easier I know it has'nt been for me I will never be the same losing him watching him die right in front of me he died in our boat..we have 3 kids together 2 girls that are grown and a little boy he was our last precious gift...thier is so many nice people here that can help you..everyone on here is wonderful and has been a great help to me..feel free to write anytime we are all here for you.

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Trish, nice seeing you on here too everyone is so great on this site too I wrote you on the other message board also..hope your doing good you hang in thier we are all here for you.

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) Hey Girlfriend, how are you doing? me doing as good as I can without being in alot of pain I am still hurting from pulling my leg muscles but baby Byron is keepin me hopping he decided today to clean the toilet with toothpaste..then he runs in too me and he go;s sorry mama and I go oh no byron what did you do and I looked in the bathroom he stuck toothpaste and toilet paper in the tolilet..typical 2 year old I guess wonder what fun thing I have tomorrow stored up..how you holding up Cindisue? me I am really depressed and beginning to hate the holidays not the same without Roger beginning to hate it..well I better check on Byron make sure he is sleepin have a goodnite ..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, How you doing me about the same Byron of course is keepin me running..how is Mary doing? and are you getting any sleep? I am gettin some but not enough I don't think Byron been a little devil lately he;s been doing wierd stuff like chewing on his books I am thinking he might be getting some more teeth comming in...he's got the runs too..poor baby is gettin sore..today he decided to clean my toilet with toothpaste..I have no idea why he thought of that..I knew he did somethin when he ran to me and dai I sorry mama and I go oh no byron what did you do..and I went straight to the bathroom...lol..well wonder what fun adventure I got tomorrow to look forward too..well I am back on nerves pills again I been thinkin of Roger the closer it gets to the holidays the closer I panic and get weepy same as I did last year I get panic attacks I can't stand holidays without him..I am so happy he gave me baby Byron to care for again since our girls arew grown least I have him to keep me busy..take care Mark my sweet friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Mark....wow a job working with you and Mary AND COOKIES!!!! Tough to turn down...if you guys lived within 40 minutes of me it would be a definite YES! I think it's so cool that you baked cookies and are crocheting...way cool

Tough weekend....I had to get a snow shovel at Lowes and Home Depot and Lowes were one of my favorite places with Gary...I loved running around with him holding hands while he looked over the hardware and electrical supplies...I felt like I was having a melt down there and ran home.

Been thinking about my mom all weekend too I still don't have any Christmas things dones yet...maybe next weekend...I know I have to for my son. He would understand if I didn't but I'd feel like a rat. I'm also nervous about New Years Eve approaching...I told Gary last New Years Eve we would definitely be going out this New Years Eve and he passed two days later...

I'm sorry you had such a difficult night with Mary...I hope you DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF TONIGHT!!! Let someone spoil you for a change....hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...depression has definitely been sinking in here...I'm so tired all the time...I wrote to Mark and was telling him that I felt like I was going to have a meltdown in Lowes today. I went to buy a snow shovel and Gary and I always ran around there holding hands while he looked over hardware and electrical supplies. I just enjoyed being there with him...there...and everywhere. I miss him so much CindySue and with New Years approaching and me telling him last New Years when I babysat Peanut that we'd DEFINITELY be out this New Years Eve and then him passing two days later is making me feel like I'm going insane!!!

I know YOU can relate to the holding hands and laying on the couch with his arms around me and bringing me breakfast in bed...I'm just feel lost. I can't believe it's been almost a year and the closeness that you shared leaves you in this big black hole. You try to go out but it doesn't feel right......

I haven't put out any Christmas decorations and I need to because I don't want to disappoint my son...even though he'd understand...I just can't..but when I look at the decorations to be put out I want to throw up! I could talk to my mom but now with her passing I can't believe the very two people I've ever been the closest to in my life are no longer here...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Boy I wished we lived closer girlfriend...I know this is hard on you during the holidays...I could decorate your house and you could decorate mine and maybe it wouldn't seem as bad.

Hugs and love...CindiSUe/Withani

[bubupig]

Hi everyone,

Just thought I'd send a quick post touching base.

I'm going ok - I think I'm numb again or something. I haven't cried today yet - which is the first day since Craig's death - I don't think that's normal.

It is the 4 week anniversary of craig's death tomorrow and then the 1 month anniversary on thursday - so I think it will be a rough week. I never thought I'd still be here surviving. It just seems impossible that it has been this long and that I have survived. I keep thinking is it really 4 weeks - have i calculated that correctly - it just seems so much longer - more like 4 years.

I have been painting (I do watercolour paintings) and have been finding this a big help for me right now. I have been doing it most of the day and I think this is why I may not have cried as I have instead been putting my grief on paper. The days not over yet though so who knows. Each day is still hard and painful as I'm sure it will be for the rest of my life. I think I'm just trying to block out tomorrow and block out Craig's death right now - another phase on the rollercoaster ride of grief - I wish so much I never had a ticket on this ride.

I too am getting quite concerned with the holidays coming up - it seems like time has stopped but then I have to go and get food or something and notice the xmas decorations and think crap, xmas is coming isn't it. I wish sometimes I could just stay in the house forever never being confronted with anything you know.

I had been wondering what to do with the xmas decorations etc, being so close since Craig's death and we were so excited about this xmas being our first in our new house - so what I've done is gone out and bought a real xmas tree (we normally have fake ones here in australia) and am going to plant it outside near the house and each year I can put our decorations on it - just something little - we each had a buable with our names on it that we got a couple of years ago - and this is all I will do each year - I can watch it grow and think of craig and it is my little xmas memorial to him. i feel better having done this. We had been talking about buying a real one this year anyways so I feel that I'm still carrying on our life. It's just made me feel better getting it - it's something small and probably quite insignificant to others but very significant for me.

I think all we can do thru xmas and new year is just get thru each day as it comes and know that our loved ones are with us in spirit. I know it will be horrible and hard for us all - but we can all and will do it. I too often have panic attacks about things and feel so overwhelmed but at the end of the day, we worry and stress about it now and in the blink of an eye it will xmas night and we'll be thinking - wow, I did it - I got thru the day. We will make it because we just will. Just like we make it thru each and every other day. It just happens.

thank you again you guys for your support - it helps so much having your support and hearing how you are overcoming the days. You are all such an insipiration. Words cannot even begin to express my gratitude - I was having a really bad few days last week but after reading thru your posts and how you've been dealing with your grief, it gave me strength. Again, thank you.

Love to you all, I am thinking about each of you,

Beck

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Beck, please don't let your first day without tears upset you too much. This is your heart taking a little break from the sorrow. The tears will be back soon, and these numb days will be on hold for awhile. I even go through all this, like some neverending ride on a train, and it's been four years fighting my wife's illness now. It's all a normal, natural part of what our emotions do to us through the phases of grief. These phases can come one at a time, or in groups. If we're grieving for more than one, like in my case with my daughter too, it gets confusing and aggravating keeping up with the rollercoaster.

I love the idea you have with the tree. It's more than a beautiful idea in your yard, it's a tribute to Craig. Trees are like love. They just keep on growing.

Take a little break to give yourself a treat, especially near the holidays. Do something so you feel good about you. Painting is a good emotional release. I'm a musician, so lately I'm finding the dark feelings of Pink Floyd relaxing.

Give yourself lots of time for rest today. We'll all pray for you. Only do what your heart is able to endure.

We're always here for you. Write as often as you like. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, 40 miles? We could think of moving, but you'd never get me out of this city groove I'm in. You guys just don't have big cities there. I need a good traffic jam once in awhile (you ain't seen nothing til you've seen Manhattan on a Friday at 5pm - I once spent 4 hours on the George Washington Bridge). I know, I'm a brat. But I gotcha giggling, didn't I?

Tomorrow is a (picture saying this like Eeyore) great day. We get to break in (or is it break down) a new aide. Whoopie . . . We'll see if this one can last more than ten minutes in our mad house.

I'm sorry you had such a time at Lowes. I know how that is. I'm almost getting to where I can go shopping without her, but it's like someone shredded my heart. Anytime that happens, you are welcome to scream and cry in my ear.

I'm going to try to listen to you, and go out for a little bit today. Lately, I can out, but I feel so lost out there alone. It's like I'm in a life raft, with no way to reach shore. If I'm like this now, am I going to be weaving baskets when she's gone? Yes, my friend, I'll take care of myself.

luv ya, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, at least the toilet's clean??? I did ask you, "what next?" I'm going to never ask again. At least he's not into serious mischief like my grandson. But, how can grandpa be upset?

Take care of your legs, girl. I worry enough about you. I'm beginning to wonder what's next with you?

The last few nites have been difficult, but we got through them all. I'm sooo tired. Maybe I'll have my son take a road trip with me so I can sleep. He can get all cute with his sweetheart. The way it's been lately makes me wonder if this can last much longer like this.

I'm still messing with Christmas for my children, but I'm not all excited yet. There isn't one decoration up yet. I think the kids are going to do that this weekend. I couldn't care less if I never saw another decoration. I want this different, but I also want Jenni home so badly.

Keep your feet up today, my dear friend. If ya need anything, I'm only 8 hours away (5 the way I drive). Just do the simple things, like staying the sweet person you are. Santa will be there soon.

luv yas, hugz too, Me

[sunflowergm]

Hi Nick, my name is Gina, I just turned 32 on december 6th my fiance was 26 he died 2 weeks before he turned 27 I just found this wed site a few weeks ago and Its seems like a good place to vent some people here have such simular stories the one that we all have in common sadly thow is we all have lost someone. I still can't seem to get it together, I feel completly lost in this crazy world.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sunflowergm, Gina, I am so sorry for your loss. It's so good that you found this site. There are many caring people here who are more friends than advisors to give counsel. Take the holidays slowly and on your own terms. Tell people that you can't do certain things, which your heart is unable to deal with, and they'll understand. Also, as time chugs along, please be careful to not let people (who mean so very well) tell you to "get over it". There is no getting over our loss. We lost the one we chose to spend our lives with, and all has been changed without us wanting this.

I've been here for months, so appreciating these precious people, while my wife (still alive) suffers in the last stage of dystrophy. I'm also suffering the pain of my daughter's rape and murder. Beyond our spouse, the death of our child is the worst agony a heart can barely endure.

May the holidays go well for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please feel free to write anytime. We're here to listen and care, and to help you. Mark

[nickfl]

Cindisue, Cindysue and Mark

Thanks for your support and I am very sorry for your losses too. Mark I will keep your wife in my thoughts and prayers.

Just wanted to sya thanks and your words of encouragement will help me greatly

Sincerely

Nick

[nickfl]

Hi Nick, my name is Gina, I just turned 32 on december 6th my fiance was 26 he died 2 weeks before he turned 27 I just found this wed site a few weeks ago and Its seems like a good place to vent some people here have such simular stories the one that we all have in common sadly thow is we all have lost someone. I still can't seem to get it together, I feel completly lost in this crazy world.

Gina

I am sorry about the loss of your fiance. I just found this site yesterday myself and you are right it seems like a good platform to express you feelings, thoughts and anger.

I know exactly how you feel, when we lose our best friends, the ones who are very near and dear to our hearts and the ones we plan on spending the rest of our lives with one cannot help but feel completely lost. The tough part is those we know do not really know what we are feeling unless they have been through it. I would not wish this upon anyone.

Maybe we will find some peace and relief by expressing our thoughts here, to those that know eactly how we feel

Take care Gina

Nick

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey everyone! Just droppin' in to wish you all well. I keep a prayer for each of you. Take it slow and easy through the holidays. I haven't totally melted down yet, but I feel it coming. I sooooooooo wish Jenni could be here for Christmas. Renee, I'm praying for you, sister. We got word of my wife's friend with the dystrophy, who recently gave in and took her own life. I keep watching her, and our new aide helps a lot.

My thoughts and prayers rest with you all. I'm outa here to bake cookies. luvz,hugz,Mark

[cindysue]

Hey Everyone just me apoligising for not being around much still in alot of pain..with my leg...and plus with Christmas comming up I am feelin lost without my love..I can't believe its been 16 monthes now Rogers been gone..I hate holidays makes me cry now I feel why am I happy then I look into my 2 year old Byron;s eyes and think thats why I need to be happy...I can't make it hard for him ..I been cryin everyday and I don't even know why and I keep dreamming about Roger..when will that ever end my depression.. I gotta be strong for my girls and baby Byron and try to be happy..I just feel so alone..my b-day is the day after christmas and I guess I will be alone..well least I have my kids but you all know what I mean I think about each and every one of you Cindisue you are a special friend more like my sister I know this is your first x-mas without Gary and I know how hard it will be without him and your mom but I am here for you girlfriend..and Mark I am worried about them headaches of yours you are under so much stress my sweet friend..and I pray your x-mas with Mary will be a happy one where you both will remember it always..hugs to you...and Renee I know its your first x-mas without your daughter my heart is with you and I know your sweet daughter will be thier also..I'll pray for you and Nick..I know your wife just passed away and so close to the holidays I know what you are feelin and I know its not a good feeling..but she will be right with you I know you loved her with all your heart..she knew that too you have some great memories to keep. And Gina I know we have not talked but I feel your lost...try to be strong I know its hard to do it is'nt easy losing someone you love so very much...and sometimes I feel it never feels better but they say time does heal you will find wonderful people here that are great friends they are loving and so sweet and mean alot to me they have helped me through rough times..but I wish you all a safe holiday..bless you all...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...you're right sis...this is getting very tough...I FINALLY set out a couple Christmas decorations tonight because I wanted my son to FEEL like the Holidays are coming but man it makes me feel panicked. My Christmas tree still has the lights and decorations on it from last year when I threw a sheet over the top of it and put it in the closet after I got the news Gary was gone...I got it out tonight and I feel really anxious. Christmas day I'm going to the cemetary to place a little tree or wreath on my mom's gravesite..I wish Gary had a site to visit..I feel that would help. Anyway...I'm only working on one day at a time here...I know Christmas and your birthday are going to be horrible again my dear friend and I'm soooooo sorry you have to go through this...you're not alone!!!! Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...I hope you and Mary are able to enjoy some of the holiday season this year...as we know..you never know when it's going to be the last and I hope Mary AND YOU can stay as "Up" as possible. Baking cookies is a good start. You both are in my thoughts and prayers...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

Renee...God bless you girlfriend...I know you will have a knot in stomach if you don't already and I wish there was something I can say to relieve the pain but I know there's not other than how fortunate your daughter has been to have a mother like you..be good to yourself...hugs and love..CindiSue/Withani

Nick and Gina...God bless you both...I hope you can find some peace during the days ahead of us all and that you remember your loved ones are still with you spiritually...keep the faith...hugs and love,..CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, take it slow and easy on yourself, dear friend. Setting a tree for your Mom is so sweet of you. I agree with you in how we hurt when we have no gravesite, as you have none for Gary, and I have none for Jenni. I'm having something made for her that I can wear close to my heart. It's going to have the birthstones for her birth and death months. Instead of presents to your Mom, have you thought of a memorial gift in her honor to hospital or for research? Perhaps this would make her happy and proud of you in many new ways, although I know she's so proud of you loves you so very much.

Cindy, please take gentle care of yourself, girl. I worry about you. Byron must be having a blast today, and of course, tomorrow, he'll have more with the new snow. Keep your legs wrapped and warm. You'll feel better in a little bit. Thanks for always being so close.

Renee, our pain is a little different. My heart aches for your loss. All too often, I cry for you, then add a little prayer for you and your family. Let your hearts feel God's warmth and peace through the holidays. I'm right here for you all.

Beck, Nick, Gina, Trish, our new friends, my thoughts are with you throughout the day, with some prayers too. Let yourselves have time to remember, to honor, to cry. Even if you can't cry for a few days, it's all a natural part of this rollercoaster ride we call sorrow. We're all here for you, anytime you need a friend to listen to you, or cry with you.

luvz,hugz2,Me

[desgirl]

I found this site a couple of days ago and have been trying to pluck up courage to post something. I lost my wonderful boyfriend of 2 years on 7 November - so it will be 6 weeks ago on Monday. I'm 32 and he was 24, his name is Des. He was everything to me, my life, my hopes and dreams and I don't have any reason to go on. We had so many plans, we were saving up to buy a house and we knew how many children we wanted to have and what our wedding was going to be like. I'm such a mess right now and I just want to be with him. I wish I'd been in the car too, so that I wouldn't be here right now. As it was, Des and his Dad both passed in the crash - leaving me and his Mum and brother. I felt like nobody in the world knew how I felt until I read this site. My name is Jodi.

[hurleyta]

Hi Jody,

I too lost my fiancee on 11/12/2005. He was my world and I feel so very lost without him. I am so sorry for your loss. This site has been very supportive, as I am sure that you will find in time. I hope that you know that what you are feeling is very normal.... I am still walking around in a fog like state and know that James (this was his name) would not want me to cry as much as I do. I miss him so very much and wish that I could be with him too. But I believe that when it is my time, we will be together again.

Are you close to Des family??? James and I lived 1300 miles from our families, but they are both very supportive of all that I am going through, as well, as have given me so much love and respect. I know that life will never be the same for me, as James and I did everything together. We had a house, this is where he died, and I am still living in it. I loved this house, but it is now so sad and lonely...

Take care of yourself.

Trish

[sunflowergm]

Nick

Hi Nick, how are you today? My fiance's anniversary is comming up on the 6th of January and it's really freakin me out.I know exactly what you mean by noone knows how it feels to be in this situation, yeah I had family pass on , friends that were close to me , but nothing like this I feel lost in this world truly I'm miserable and I dont know what to do. I'm forever changed, and it's really scary out there alone.My own best friend doesn't seem to know what to do when I start talking about Joe, I want to tell everyone about how he was and I dont want to loose our memories, everyone I know says you'll go on your strong, but I don't know how to get passed that our life together is over. I hope your doing better than I am because it feels like I cant go on

[sunflowergm]

Nick

Hi Nick, how are you today? My fiance's anniversary is comming up on the 6th of January and it's really freakin me out.I know exactly what you mean by noone knows how it feels to be in this situation, yeah I had family pass on , friends that were close to me , but nothing like this I feel lost in this world truly I'm miserable and I dont know what to do. I'm forever changed, and it's really scary out there alone.My own best friend doesn't seem to know what to do when I start talking about Joe, I want to tell everyone about how he was and I dont want to loose our memories, everyone I know says you'll go on your strong, but I don't know how to get passed that our life together is over. I hope your doing better than I am because it feels like I cant go on

[desgirl]

Hi Trish

I'm so very sorry that you lost your James, my heart goes out to you. Don't you just keep thinking that it's not supposed to be this way, this wasn't supposed to happen? I too believe that when my time comes, Des will be the first one to meet me on the other side. It's so hard to not wish your life away isn't it? Before this happened I was so scared of dying, of being taken away from Des for some reason. I never thought for a second that he would be taken away. I'm so pleased that yours and James' family are being so supportive for you. Thankfully I'm close to Des' family and they have been great too. I wish I could do more to help them, his Mum has lost her husband and son and his brother has lost his Dad and his older brother (they were best friends too). I think it helps them to have me around still, it's like another link to Des I guess. I know that he would want me to be there for them and I'm trying my best. My family have been great too and my work, but I find it really hard to hold conversations with people, it's like my brain has turned to mush somehow. What you said about James not wanting you to cry made me think about something my sister made for me - it's a little laminated photo of me and Des with a poem written over the top - it goes 'You cannot see or touch me but I'm standing next to you, Your tears can only hurt me, your sadness makes me blue, Be brave and show a smiling face, let not your grief show through, I love you from a different place, yet I'm standing next to you'. Thank you for writing Trish, it makes a difference to talk to someone who knows how I feel. Take care too, Jodi

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Jodi, I am sorry you lost Des, and in such a way. The feelings and pain get a little less with time, but the emptiness is always there. I'm sorry this tragedy has happened so close to these holidays. There are a few reasons why I don't get into the holidays. I lost my grandfather near Christmas, and we were so close. This year, I learned of my daughter's death, something parent should face. I'm in this website mostly through my wife's dystrophy. Take gentle care of yourself. We're always here to listen and help. Mark

[cindysue]

Jodi, so sorry too hear about your lost..its not easy during the holidays to lose a loved one it does'nt seem to get any easier..my husband Roger has been gone now for 16 monthes and it still does'nt feel like it's gettin easier...I still grieve like it was yesterday..and out 2 year old son looks just like him so it makes me feel at least I have a part of him with me still we also have 2 girls but they are grown so having our son was a blessing and a precious gift that I treasure the last precious gift he gave me before he died of a massive heart attack...he was 46 and we were on vacation in our boat when it happened he died instantly right in the boat..so unexpectedly never knew he had a heart condition..and to watch him have the attack and die in front of me haunts me everyday...he was holding our baby when he died..so its been a hard year for me we were married 28 years and together 30 and they were wonderful years..they say time heals but I don't know it has'nt for me yet the holidays is what makes me sad ...but I know your in pain and I am so sorry to hear of your loss but he is with you in always in your heart..but like they say when its thier time to go nothing can stop that..my heart is with you always..hang in thier ..thier are so many wonderful people on here that can help you...

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

sunflowergm, My heart breaks for you ..You sound so hurt and depressed we are all here for you I know your hurting and I can't tell you when the hurt will go away you will never forget your love the hurt will ease I am told for me its been 16 monthes since my husband passed away...and like I said before it feels like yesterday to me...I cry everyday still and dream about him..we were married 28 years and have 3 kids 2 girls grown and a little 2 year old boy..he died unexpected of a heart attack..he was 46..its been so hard to go day after day of being alone..but I am tryin real hard to be strong for my baby..cause he needs me our baby also has a heart condition and will be needing surgery for that...he sees his heart doctor every 3 monthes..but I feel like my husband will make sure nothing happens to our son..cause I can feel him with me everytime I go to our baby's appointments...try to think of all the good memories you have with your love cause no one can take that away from you..hang in thier

Hugs,

Cindysue

[hurleyta]

Desgirl,

Thank you for sharing that poem, it is so very true. I guess that the holidays are always going to be so very hard for me, as James died the week before Thanksgiving. I hope that he is still here with me, but I no longer can feel his presence. Knowing James, he is sitting right next to me and just watching to make sure that I am safe and that no one will hurt me... He was always so very protective of me.

I feel lost in a fog, at times, others the pain of him no longer being here overwhelms me and I break down. I am blessed to have some really good friends and family to call at ALL hours of the night!!! I also have this site to come to when I need to vent or ask questions, kind of a reality check. I have been going to a bereavement group that is really helping me too... I am the youngest person in the group. This makes me sad, as James died when he was just 39 years old... I try not to think about finding him dead. I try to remember the moments before he died when he was being he usual self. He had a great sense of humor and a love and compassion for others like no man I have ever met before. I guess that God needed him more than I did, or so people have told me... How would they know???

Take care of yourself and may God bless you,

Trish

[withani]

Beck..Nick..Trish..Gina and Jodi...My heart goes out to you all and I will pray that you each find a peaceful space this holiday season. It will be one year January 2nd since I lost my partner of 11 years suddenly and the emptiness remains. Last month I lost my mother as well so I'm coping with the loss of the two people who have been the closest to me. Fortunately I have children otherwise I don't know where I'd be...it forces you to go on. Prior to this experience I have always been afraid of death...I have a whole different outlook on it now...for some crazy reason I always thought Gary and I'd go together and didn't expect to be left behind. You'll find this to be a wonderful web site with awesome people who all share this tragic experience. Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...you're absolutely right..it DOES make a difference not to have a gravesite. Gary was cremated and I don't even have his ashes..his exwife was controlling and took them for his son which I believe was the "right thing" and then told me I could get a container and she'd give me 1/2??!!! I don't want Gary's ashes split...that's not what's important. I hope you and Mary have been able to share a peaceful weekend. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

CindySue...Glad to see you writing girlfriend..we've got a few bumpy weeks ahead of us...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue...I hope you have not thought I have forgotten you I have thought of you a whole lot this commin holiday is gettin me so panicky and I can't breathe I know its anxiety attacks..I get them still even after 16 monthes oh why do we have to be without Roger and Gary..this is'nt fair when we posed to have our loves with us..how are we supposed to feel happy and loved...no more kissing or hugging or them tellin us when they look into our eyes how much they love us... this is so hard..I can't get used to it after being married for 28 years how can I??? I am havin a very hard time Cindisue and I know you are too you had many many years with Gary so you know how it feels..I look at pics of him all the time and cry wishing I was in his arms one last time..I;ll bet you think I am crazy for talkin this way I don't know why I am hashing all this up now you have so much to deal with too losing Gary almost a year now and losing your mother just a few monthes ago..you are in my heart Cindisue and I wish and pray you have a good holiday wish we could all celebrate it together everyone on this site..and cry together..maybe that would'nt hurt as much to be with my best friends... You are more like my sis girlfriend..please keep safe...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, My sweet wonderful thought friend...how are you doing??? sorry I have'nt been around much to write you any my leg is healing but very slowly and lately I been a nervous wreak and can't get happy for this holiday and I need to be for the kids..just thinkin about Roger is so hard ..wish I could have another chance with him I blame myself so much for his death I should have known as his wife that he was not well but I thought naughh he is ok just his diebetic is actin up why did'nt I know he had a heart condition..when times he would tell me he thought that someday he would have a heart attack..and he did..cause of me he is gone if I would have just listened and made him see a doctor more maybe he would still be alive to see baby Byron grow up..I hate myself for this it should have been me instead..he was a great person so thoughtful and kind,,but I know he would have died if somethin happened to me instead but at least I would'nt feel this pain..but I gotta be strong for Byron and I am tryin its just hard tryin to be a mommy and a daddy to him..with him being only 2 he don't understand he just sees me sad and thinks he did somethin wrong cause he keeps sayin sorry Mama..then I feel worse cause I don't wanna make him think that he is what keeps me going besides our girls..I will snap out of this I hope...How Is Mary feelin I been thinkin about her and you and I hope you can have a great celebration for X-mas with your dear wife..well I am gonna lay down but you take care my dear friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm with you on this one. That wouldn't honor him and his life. Have you thought of something you could wear? I want to hold Jenni as close as I can, so last summer I thought of the daughter ring with stones for the months she was born and died.

Bumpy weeks. . . I'm not into Christmas much anyway, from foster care. Adding Jenni and now Mary's health to this, I'd rather skip to February and celebrate my grandson's birthday. Funny how such a tiny child can make so big a difference to our hearts.

Take care of you. Keep pampering yourself, girl. luvzNhugz,Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, please, however much you're hurting, don't blame yourself, girl. You did nothing wrong, you never failed Roger. Did he not tell you more to save you the sadness of seeing things in his health? No matter what was or wasn't said, you could not have controlled this. This much I know for certain. Rest, and try to do a little special something for you. I keep praying for you and Byron. Just keep taking such beautiful care of him. he's such a sweet little guy (mischievous, but adorable, like a two year old boy should be).

luv yas,hugz,Me

[withani]

CindySue....I know how you feel girlfriend wanting to blame yourself for Roger not taking care of his heart condition but believe me IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! God doesn't make mistakes...he needed Roger and Gary to come home. How I wish I just had one more day to make sure he fully understood that he was my EVERYTHING...just to see those beautiful eyes and smile and cuddle with him...priceless!!! We need to do this best we can right now...I bought Christmas cards but I don't feel like sending them...so I'm not...I'm sure everyone will understand. Please take care of yourself sis...Roger is with you. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...thank you for being such a dear friend as well as sounding board. I would never want to say or do anything to dishonor Gary. Sometimes I get so angry that he wasn't taking care of himself and then I cry because I'm angry that I feel cheated out of spending the rest of my life with him. I'm sure we've all felt that on this site. I was on the phone with my mom when I got "the news" that Gary was gone. My mom was concerned about my grief...I wish she didn't have to spend her last year worrying about me. My sister told me today that my aunt (my mother's sister) will probably be going to hospice. There isn't anything major wrong physically...(she's been in a nursing home for several years because she can't get around) but it appears she has lost her will to live...so sad. I think we all need to be very careful about not losing our will...and it's something we all struggle with because of our need to be with our loved ones....what do you think??? Hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you just made me cry, girl. Thanks for that (it feels like a happy cry, remembering better days). It's tough to hang on when everything seems to be falling apart. We need to keep breathing. I'm sorry for your aunt's situation. I'll be sure to pray for her. This is where we're at at home now. Not easy, but we manage. There are so many things I miss.

Enough of that. I hope you get to have a terrific day today. If the rest of the week feels overwhelming, do as little as you must to get through it. Take care of yourself, girl. We'll all feel a little better in a few days. I'm sure of this.

luvz, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, she's right. God never makes mistakes, even though we don't like what He's doing. He knows our moments, our choices, and our hearts. He knows us better than we know ourselves. I'd rather He change things for my wife, but if it can't be, I'll still accept what is ahead. You had nothing to do with any of it, kiddo. You shouldn't try to carry this on your shoulders. we luv ya, luv ya both, Me

[sunflowergm]

Hi thank you for saying what you said I'm so sorry about your daughter. The people on this site know exactly the way each of us feels I like that you can just blurt out anything on your mind and no one judge's your statement.If you dont mind me asking what happened to your daughter? I was raped when I was a young girl for years and I now am realizing it wasn't my fault. My fiance Joe 2 year anniversary is comming up on January 6th I'm feeling more lost now than when it fist happened, he had a drug overdose with presciption pills and a lethal dose of methadone my life has forever changed that day as yours was to. I hope your husband gets better I dont know what it is that you said he has, so if you could expain it to me. Thanks for being there. May God be with you and your family thru the holidays.

Gina

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh Gina, I really dread methadone. My wife's been on it for over three years. We see all kinds of wild things, bad trips, hallucinations. I keep it locked up to keep her from ODing. Scary stuff.

Don't ya just love this site! It was designed from day one to be free of all prejudice and reprisal for things said. It's perfect to have a place to say what's on our hearts withour fear.

I'm sorry you were also raped, and at such a young age. My Jenni was raped and killed at 21, in 1996. She was adopted at birth, cuz her mother was an addict. I never knew she existed, until after her death. I still thought she was alive, so I searched four years, only finding out she died. That was in July, this year.

Hold onto your memories with all you have. If you can't celebrate the holidays this year, don't, or celebrate quietly, alone. Give Joe all the honor and tribute you can through the holidays.

We're all praying and thinking of you. Always here for you, Mark

[cindysue]

Cindisue and Mark, Sorry I have'nt been around as much just feelin down like all of you I guess the closer X-mas is getting the more paniky I am gettin I was the same way last year..I guess I will be the only one seeing baby Byron open up his presents..wish Roger could see it too.. I know you two are right and it was thier time its hard to except I guess..harder then what I thought it would be baby Byron is pretty sick and probably will be admitted.. he has a very bad case of the flu and is'nt gettin any better..he lost weight and the doctor says his heartbeat is irregular and they are concerned since he has a heart condition I don't want him to spend X-mas in the hosp..but he needs more care then what I can do for him my heart is breaking..he only weighs 28 pounds and thats not much for being 32 monthes old..but he's been sick alot..the weather is not helpin any with it being so darn cold..well I need to check on him thanks Cindisue and Mark you two are the greatest ..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue