Young Widowhood

[aprilsmom]

Good morning friends - don't think I'm not praying for the 3 of you. I am just in a fog right now, busy at work, with family home this weekend. Today is my mom's birthday. She was born in 1920 and passed away in 1976 when I was pregnant with my first child. I always felt bad that my kids didn't get to have mom as a gramma. Well, let's celebrate today, April is with her - gosh darn that kid, she always had to be first at everything!!

"Rely not on our own understanding, but in all things acknowledge HIM, and He will make straight our paths" Is that correct Mark? It just came to mind. Love you all, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your Mom! I wonder what kinda party they're having in Heaven. Take the day off and celebrate your Mom's birthday. Do it up big! I'll even give you the day off with pay (if only I could).

I never connected the dots on our children being so close in age: Vicky was pregnant in '76, and gave birth to my second in the spring of '77. Take it easy on your heart, Renee. Jenni was my first, too. We don't know all the answers, but we know Who's in control.

Well, here goes another day. I need to figure out insurance, call her doctor (the fall last Monday is still giving her problems), and then see about paying the rest of the bills. After having to deal with hospice, I'm feeling a little depressed, so I don't want to even get moving. My son just got out of bed, so I should start this day.

Have a fun day. I'm prayin' for ya'. luvz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, ooooo a big boy's bed?! Byron will love that! Of course, for a little while, it'll be lots of room, but he'll grow into it. Please don't let the doctor appointments worry you too much. He's in good hands, and we're all prayin' for him. When the time comes for his surgery, we'll all be with you through that too, even if it means we all go there to sit with you that day. Don't let this worry you for now. Just have loads of fun with him. When he gets better, you'll have a tough time keeping up with him. hehehe. Make sure you're taking care of you. I don't want you getting anemic or anything else that will make you ill. And please spoil yourself a little. You deserve it! luv ya, big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm right here for you. I know you hurt. I think you've been through enough for the year. If you need anything, no matter what, feel free to call anytime of day or nite. If you want, I'll even go out there just to sit with you. You're a friend, and you've done so much for me and my sweetie, it's the least I can do for you.

Your Mom and Gary have been such an important part of your life, and now, it's time for your friends to step up to the plate for you. They walked with you through the best and worst, and let you know what a beautiful person you truly are. Being Mom wasn't easy, but you did a great job with your children. I'm sure your kids are proud of their Mom, in their own unique ways. Even though you hurt, you did a lot to carry my sorry heart through that time of torture soon after learning of Jenni's death. I'll always be thankful to you for that.

I agree with you about the idiots who want me to pull away from my wife. After 20 years, there's no way I'd even consider it. She's my entire life. This is just another way for the system to get me angry. I may need hospice to help now, but I really don't need the ignorance of a few, who think they know me better than I know myself. What's that word I look for? I call them woodchucks.

Take care of yourself. Please make sure you get enough rest, and eat right. If you need anything, we're here to help.

luvz N hugz, Mark

[withani]

CindySue and Mark....thank you both for your support in this difficult time. I went to see my Mom tonight but she doesn't know I'm there..she's on a respirator and sleeps..in a couple days she'll be taken off the respirator where she is expected not to wake up. I'm really fortunate because she was expected to pass 10 years ago and we were given the gift of keeping her an extra 10 but I'm really not up to losing her yet..I'll keep you posted and I sincerely appreciate the extras prays..she's very special...love and hugs...Cindisue/Withani

[cindysue]

Renee, happy birthday to your dear mother..your right she is with April and and both April and your mom is in a better place your mom is probably spoiling her up yhier.. the things she could'nt do here..I am sorry your so depressed and upset..and with the holidays comming up does'nt make it feel any better but we will always be here for you Renee always..Are'mt Cindisue and Mark awesome they are such great people to talk to ..I don't know what I would do without talkin to any 0f you here..but we are all wish your mom a happy b-day..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Thankyou for the message..how is Mary doing? I hope she is resting ok and not into too much pain..I have been so tired and not myself I am going in next week for my b12 shot that I have to have monthly my Iron level is pretty low..again I hope they don't start the Iron infusions again it makes me sick being on infusions and sitting thier for 4 hours I have to get them 1 day a week for 6 weeks...they are talkin about it again the problem is afterwards my stomach hurts so bad and I stop eating and lose more weight and that I don't need...I need to be well for baby Byron before he go's in for heart surgery..he is such a little devil he went in the kitchen while a girlfriend of mine came to visit and he decided to get into the butter dish and he sat on the table..and I thought man he is quiet and me my my girlfriend went into the kitchen and he was sittin on the table with the butter rubbing and slicking his hair back with it and rubbing it all over his face..I go oh no and my friend was laughin and he was just lookin at me with the biggest grin..and go;s mmmmm good Mama..I picked him up and guess where we went..lol...in the bathtub..and I had to wash his hair ohhh about 2 times to get the butter out plus use Dawn dishwashing liquid..well I can say now his hair is squeeky clean.. I never know what he will do next so I took all the edible stuff off the table no way can I leave salt and pepper on the table cause he would empty the whole cantainers..on the table I go through so much salt and pepper so I have learned now to move everything..he even gets in the bottom cubbards in the kitchen and hides from me..but I can hear him cause he kjabbers to himself..lol..so he can't hide very good..well he sure tired me out..with his little adventures..but I wanted to let you know what was going on with us here...Give Mary an extra hug from me..and one for you too.. oh and Byron sends one too..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) Girlfriend..how are you holding up yourself you sound really tired and wore out we are here for you prayin like crazy for your mom..I know you don't wanna lose her and I pray you don't and will have more time with her..I guess 10 extra years was very good that you could have that extra time with her..I was really close to my dad and it tore me uo to lose him back in 82 he was such a great father I was a daddy's girl and I still to this day think bout him often he was around when my oldest daughter was born for 4 years..but he died of lung cancer he was 52 when he passed away....I still miss him terribley my mom finally remarried 2 years ago after over 20 years of being alone don't know how she did it but it took her this long I guess..as much as me and my mom get into it I still love her with all my heart and I know she loves me shhe just worries too much and she is afraid I am giving up cause she said I have changed since Roger has died she said I never smile and am not the happy go lucky girl I use to be..I guess I am still depressed I am thinkin about going to a support group for widows and widowers its free of charge I guess..so maybe that will help me..gosh darn Cindisue I wish thier was somethin I could say to make it better for you all I can offer right now is my love and prayers for your mom..please let us know we all care.. Well time to check on Byron I had a rough day with him gettin into butter..lol..well I explained it all to Mark..he's so cute at time just alot of work but well worth it...well take care my friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, even though your Mom may not respond to you in a way you can see, I believe she's capable of hearing you. She knows you're with her, and talking to her. I'll pray for all of you. Please rest, and make sure you try to eat well. big hugs, luvz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, please take care of yourself. I know those shots are miserabe. If you need to get them, and need help with Byron, we'll do all we can for you. I'm sorry that your dad died so young, too young. My grandfather died in '83, and I still miss him so much. He raised me, and is more a dad to me than anyone could hope to be. Check out the support group. I go to Parents of Murdered Children. They helped me early with my grief, and still help me a lot.

Thanks for asking about Mary. This seems to drag like a sea anchor. Nothing would make me happier than having her healthy again. She's weak, but I'm going to be confident. A few things have taken the wind from my sails lately. We have to schedule two more treatments, which we're hoping will help.

Please take care of you! Whatever it takes, we want you healthy. give Byron a big hug for me, and here's one for you. If he keeps up like this, I'm buying stock in Dawn soap! hehehe luvz, Me

[withani]

CindySue and Mark...thanks so much for your well wishes..they are sincerely appreciated. I went up the hospital tonight to sit with mom and spoke with her ICU nurse who said they'll start weaning her from the respirator in the next day or so...under a controlled environment. She also said it could go either way for her. What's been very difficult has been her SO who wants to pick out an outfit for her to wear at the funeral..pictures..write about our favorite times with mom and I just feel like we're being pushed into this. I just want to take a day at a time..if my mom can't survive withouth the respirator then we'll have to cross that bridge in a week or so. To think of my mom leaving this time of year is hard as well...as you know it's my first Christmas season without Gary and with my mom's health the way it is I can bearly go into a store that has decorations...I just want to run out screaming!!!! Thanks for your prayers...Mark give Mary a hug for me..CindySue take care of your baby boy Bryon...love and hugs...CindiSUe/WIthani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, for the holidays this year, my suggestion would be give Peanut the Christmas presents, and tell everyone else that the holiday thing is on hold for a while. give yourself time to heal, and then you can get back into the holidays when you feel comfortable. My grandfather died two days after Christmas. We were so close, and he was the "dad" who raised me. It took a few years for me to even get through Christmas awake. In fact, the first Christmas without him, I spent in hospital for anemia. I still miss him, and have little things I do at Christmas that make no sense to others, just him and me. My prayers are with you now. Please try to get the rest you need, even though it's difficult. We're right here, and whatever we can do for you, it's yours. I'm praying for the best for your Mom. Please don't let him bug you with his choices and ideas. I don't know why he is doing this, but he needs to lay off a little. This is about your Mom, not him.

luv and hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, please take care of your iron, girl. You don't want me too worried about you. I may turn gray. tee hee. Now that you've taken away Byron's ooey gooeys, what's he gonna play with? Maybe the dish soap? What will he come up with next? Take time to rest a little, and please eat the way you need to. If they have to do the infusions, ask about ways to keep you from feeling so ill. Tell them the problem up front, and let them try to solve it. You don't need to go without eating, or losing more weight. I could cook for you, if I need to, but that might make you sicker. hehehe. Honestly, I'm okay with cooking, but a hazard to myself in a kitchen. Long story. If you end up with those infusions, we'll volunteer to help take care of Byron for you as much as we can, so you can rest.

Have a fun day. Maybe mischief boy can stay out of the butter? He's so adorable! I raised one of those boys too. It's a boy thing.

luvzNhugz, for you and Byron, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, thanx for the pyx. Your girls are beautiful. Take a little extra time for you, so you can deal with things, and bring the 'day' to terms in your heart. I'm praying for you during the next week, for the peace you need. Be still, and know . . . Try to rest, and please take care of your diet. I don't want you to get sick from not eating well.

This is so strange for me with my son's girlfriend. I look forward to when he brings her home for a visit. They are adorable looking together. I need to get pyx for you. Now, we have only one left as a child. He still has "that" opinion of girls, but this will soon change.

We need to schedule more treatments for my honey. I'll let ya know when, so you can get ready for my 'absence'. We'll be gone for two more weeks, then this is over. I pray this works.

Keep the faith. My prayers are with you and your family.

luvz, hugz, me

[withani]

Mark thanks for the pep talk...I needed it...it's going to be a long several days to find out what's going on with weaning from the respirator and you're right...it is about her...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Anytime, CindiSue. I keep praying for your Mom, and for you. I know this is stressful for you. Give yourself lots of that special stuff you need (no, not LaBatts). We'll be right here standing with you while you face the days ahead. My prayers are that your Mom is going to be okay, and be able to spend a little more time with you.

Last night, I met up with an old friend, and found out he's still working with a band. Their studio is about three hours from here, so maybe I'll take the time to kick a little with them. It all depends of course on who can care for my wife. She's the most important part of my heart and life.

Keep us up to date on your Mom, and we'll keep you in prayer and in our hearts.

You're a friend. luvs, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CIndySue, I hope you're having a good day. Take good care of your health, and try to keep from worrying about your iron. We're always kicking about, thinking of you with a prayer. Has Byron tired you out today? Sometimes, I think you could use your own child care with him. He's so active. This stage will turn to the next one, and you'll soon be inundated with a million questions. They're so adorable at this age.

Last nite was rough. My wife had too many problems, and then our neighbor had a serious problem with her cancer. She's still with us, but not by much. We expect she won't see Christmas with her kids, and she still has two at home. Life stinks at times. Her hubbie died in 2000. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, with about four appointments all stacked on top of each other. Here goes a lot of driving time, mostly in heavy traffic, my specialty. I'll tell ya how it all went tomorrow nite.

Sleep well, and try to do something for you.

hugz,luvz,Me

[aprilsmom]

I am praying for the 3 of you!! Love, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, good to see ya. I'm kinda bouncing on and off line tonite. My son and his girlfriend have me taking them all over, cuz her parents want me to be with them after dark. Wise couple. I may trust my son, but . . . this is how I ended up with my girls. Take care of yourself. I've been thinking of ya, and praying today. Stay in touch through your difficult days, so we can do all we can for you.

Meeting up with an old music buddy from days gone by was cool last night. He asked me to drive the three hours to his studio and gig for a nite. Maybe I will, but not anytime soon. Too many things are going on with my wife's health, and I need to be home. I'm praying tonite will be better than last.

luvz, hugz, Me

[leahaynn]

I've been reading your posts this evening and am so moved by the love you seem to have for one another. I hope you don't mind if I post here.

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago very suddenly. At first we thought it was an asthma attack but it ended up being a heart attack. We were in the middle of moving into our new house. We have a four year daughter that we adopted after 20 years of marriage and she has been my reason for getting up in the mornings. This month we would have celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. It has been so hard to accept that he is gone. We met at 18 and have been together ever since. He was a wonderful man, funny, loving, a great husband and father. I'm not sure how to go on without him. Thank God for our daughter. She seems to be doing well, but she misses him terribly. They were so very close.

The tears are here again so I will stop. My prayers are with all of you as you deal with your own losses and current situations.

Ann

[cindysue]

leahaynn...I know what your going through and I am soooo sorry to hear of your husbands passing...my husband died of a massive heart attack also..about 15 monthes ago we were married for 28 years and have 3 kids 2 girls grown and married and we had a surprise baby we had a son he was a shock after not havin a child for 19 years..he is 2 years old now..my husband was 46 when he died we were in a boat and he had the attack and died instantly he was holding our baby when he died..it was the hardest day in my life and I still cry over it all the time..we dated at 16 got married at 18..so I know how you feel...havin a little one too is hard..but he was our surprise baby my last precious gift from him..he even looks like his daddy.. but Leahaynn..I know it will be very rough for you..4 weeks ago is not long at all..and being so close to the holidays is hard..my husband died Aug the 1st of 2004 but I know I have to go on for our son..like I said he was our little miracle baby..but sadly he also has a heart condition and will have a heart catherzation soon he has moderate heart valve stenois..so I am tryin to be strong cause I know my little one will be going thorough a rough time he;'s so young but I am learning to have faith that he will be ok...we will always be here for you..again I am so sorry to hear aboput your dear husband..wish I knew what to say to make it better I guess time..but sadly it has'nt helped me much..take care of yourself and I am happy to meet you..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) how is your mom? I been thinkin about her alot and hope she is ok and doing a little better..I been kinda sick lately havin Iron problems again and need a b12 shot..I am gonna keep prayin for your dear mom please let us know when you can how she is..we all care..about you and her..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Hows Mary feelin?? I been thinkin about you and her and wonderin how you been I been tryin to stay healthy for baby Byron I got too he's all I got..I have such a terrible headach I have had it for days maybe stress or maybe cause the holidays are commin up and I have to spend it alone withourt my Roger..I am beginning to hate holidays..I just tolerate them now...but I am gonna try to at least make it happy for my girls and specially baby Byron he needs to enjoy the holidays ..well give Mary a hug and I hope your resting and gettin enough sleep we are all here for you my friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

leahaynn..another hug for you for the tears ..just remember he is with you and is always in your heart and is with you now..give your daughter an extra hug kids really do help I would'nt know wha to do without our 2 year old son...I wrote you a letter earlier..just wanted to let you know thier are some great people on here that has been a great help to me like Withani(Cindisue) her name is Cindisue also but spelled with a i and thier Mark he is awesome and always has a sweet message for us all..and everyone is so nice on here,...but you will always be welcome on here we will all try to help you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Leahaynn, I'm so sorry you've lost your husband. You are always welcome here, to talk about whatever you need to. In time, your journey will take on a pattern, and as time goes on, you'll see that the pain gets a little less. Give yourself space and time to deal with feelings, tears, and even a few of the smiles and giggles as you remember.

My time here began as my wife's illness was turning fatal. She's still with me, hanging on. She has dystrophy. While I've been on this website for almost the last year, I've learned of my daughter's death during a rape. The people here are the dearest of friends, each one a special treasure to each other. We're drawn here by a common thread, and bound by a spirit of caring. You are welcome to write all you wish. We're here to help. My thoughts and prayers are yours, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, I sent you an email a little bit ago about some of how we're doing (yes I'm awake at this hour of the night). My sweetie isn't having a good night. She had difficulty breathing, which caused her to collapse once. Sometimes, my sweet friend, I'd like to see her get her wish, but the good Lord has His ways. My older son is so cute with his girlfriend. They're adorable all cuddled on the couch for a movie. My youngest shows his moments of stress for Mom, and I'm taking him to a friend who is also a CSW.

You're doing well, girl, so keep up what you're doing. I think you're doing beautifully caring for Byron. He'll do so well after his surgery, you'll be amazed. Please take care of yourself. I'm a little concerned about the headache. Most likely it's stress. Try relaxation, or meditation. We're all in hopes and prayers that your iron will get back to normal soon. Ya need anything, just yell.

luvzNhugz, moi.

[aprilsmom]

Where is CindiSue???? How is your mom? All of us are praying. I have to go to USC medical center today with a friend for a minor (we hope) surgery. I will be lifting your names while I wait....can't think of a better way to spend my day actually. Today would have been April's anniversary...I see her dancing in her wedding gown. God, here come the tears; can't drive this way so I'd better quit for now. Love, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, thanx 4 the prayrz. You're a great friend. It's okay to cry, girl. You're the Mommy of a wonderful young lady. She still adores you and loves you.

Happy anniversary April. The memories your Mom has of you are so beautiful, to see her sweet little girl on her wedding day. Dance with Jesus now, and fill the Heavens with the light of your smile.

I know you're being careful, Renee, while you're on the road. Tonight, maybe you can give Bobby a call, and tell him you love him. Nothing more, just let the young man all head over heels in love with April know her Mom loves him still.

luvzNhugz,Me

[withani]

Hi CindySue..Mark and Renee and Welcome Leahaynn!!! My mom is starting to open her eyes and they're beginning to wean her off the respirator...very scary...I've been at the hospital every night this week. The problem is her CO2 level..she's been on oxygen for 10 years. As you know I'm concerned about her SO...we had a meeting at their home on Wednesday (my sisters and brother and I) and he wanted us to pick hymns for my mother's funeral. Ugh!!!!!!!!! I told him I'm NOT GIVING UP ON MY MOTHER YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you can imagine how this weeks been...I know it's not about me..it's about her but it freaks me out to think I may lose her this holiday season. With it being the first holiday season without Gary I hope this doesn't push me over the edge. I keep telling myself...we're all part of a plan...our days are numbered before we are born but when I see my mom in ICU and her SO talking about the clothes she will wear etc..I want to scream!

I hope CindySue that you are having a good week with baby Bryon...and Mark...I hope Mary's pain is minimal this week...Renee the vision of April in her wedding gown dancing is such a beautiful memory to be treasured.

Leahaynn...I'm so sorry to hear of your loss which is so new to you...this is a wonderful site and you will meet the best people in the world here. Please know that you will be in our prayers. I lost my S0 of the last 11 years January 2, 2005 from acute myocarditis...suddenly. The best advice I can give at the moment is living one day at a time...God Bless You and your daughter.

Love and Hugs...CindiSUe/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I know you'll never give up on your dear Mom. You're worried, but you have family and friends, so lean on us all as much as you need. As for the "meeting", go ahead and scream. You have a say in everything here, and this isn't the time for him to give up on her. Make sure you get the rest you need, and try to eat well. You need to keep yourself healthy.

If the holidays don't work well for you, let them pass. Peanut can get the presents, but tell people you're not comfortable. They'll understand. I told you once about how Christmas is for me, being a foster kid. But, when my grandfather died, I gave up on the holiday totally. He died near Christmas. For years, I didn't bother with decorations, or any of that stuff. I gave the children presents, but I took no interest in the day. As my pain has softened over the years, I've been able to get back into it a little, and now I like baking cookies again. I leave the tree and all that to my children. This year will be with my son's girlfriend too, and this will be sweet. They have decided to wait a little while for the wedding. Whew!

Thanks for thinking of us. The last few days have been rough, but we're getting through them. She's in less pain today, but still it's a lot of pain. I had a blow up with hospice, after they told me I'm too emotionally attached to her. I called them all idiots! I'm her husband, so I'm going to be attached to her. We have another treatment soon. I'll let you know when we'll be going out of town.

Take care, and do those little things for you. You're a dear friend, and we want you to feel good about yourself.

luvzNhugz, Me

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) hang in thier girlfriend, we have been so concerned for you..and think bout what you are going through so much to deal with so close to the holidays I know its your first holiday without Gary and believe me it will be hard last Thanksgiving and Christams was my first holiday after losing Roger and it was not easy I hated it cause my birthday is Dec the 26th and we always celebrated christmas and my b-day all at the same time and this year will not be good for me it will be lonely ..I pray real hard your mom will pull through at least till after the holidays..you don't need to go through this..you are in my thought always Cindisue and we all love u..

April, what a wonderful thought of seeing my dear daughter in her wedding dress what a wonderful thing to think about she is such a special young woman and now she is with the angels so young to go but the good Lord had other plans..we are all here for you to tell us anything it actually bought tears to my eyes hearing this..bless you my friend..

Mark hang in thier my dear friend..the people that said you was to emtionally attached are crazy like you said she's your wife of course you would be I hate it that they said that I know they are preparing you but I am sure you know your time is limited with Mary..they just wanna make it easier I guess but that does'nt help hearin them words..stay strong my friend we are all the time thinkin of you and Mary..

love to you all,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

April, I goofed up in my wording I meant your daughter and I said my daughter boy do I goof up alot..alot on my mind I guess..keep those memmories alive..no one can take them away from you..:)we are all here for you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[aprilsmom]

Hi Cindysue, It's fine lady, someone called my cell and said hi April and then spent a minute apologizing- no need, I LOVE hearing her name. What is it they say? Speak my lost loved ones name, it may bring tears to my eyes, but never fails to bring music to my ears. Hey, this little quiz went around and you had to pick a song and later in the answer section it said that the song you picked was supposed to describe your state of mind. Well, I picked "Somewhere over the Rainbow". Isn't that the TRUTH about all of us? I know my brain left my body about a year ago. Hope you got a chuckle. We will all make it through the holidays! Love ya, Renee

[cindysue]

Aprilsmom...Thankyou for the nice message..your daughter sounds very lovely and I am sure she was I always liked the name April in fact when I was pregnaut with Byron I was thinkin if I had a girl she was gonna be April...that is such a beautiful song to remember your daughter by I have a song for my late husband also its called I never had a dream come true ..It reminds me of him everyday..I know your heart will always hurt for her for a long time..like I said before I can't amagine losing a child and my daughters I believe are close to you Aprils age one is 27 and the other 21 and I could'nt amagine what that would be like..yes we will make it through the holidays sometimes it rough but just remember she is thier also enjoyin it with you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue..Mark..Renee...thank you all for the very kind words and concern for my mother. Last night the respiratory therapist thought they'd be weaning her from the respirator a couple hours today but her blood pressure dropped so they're gonna try tommorrow. You're right about this being my first holiday season without Gary is going to be rough....I sure hope my mom can hang in there for awhile...I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to remember the holidays every year like this. Gary passed January 2nd. Mark you blow up at hospice???!!! lol - you tell 'em friend!!! You are all in my thoughts and prayers...will keep you up to date. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, song titles? Did you ever notice that my email addy is a song by The Sweet? Just spell it correctly, Into The Night. Not my fav song, but it looked cool painted on the side of my rig. If you really want to know the song I like most, it's Get Back To My Music, by The Good Rats. Yeah, I guess it does fit my mind.

Hope you're having a good Sunday. Mine was spent dosing medicine and going to the ER. I ended up with acid burns in my eyes. I'm okay, but hurting a little.

luvzNhugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, you're girls are so young! tee hee. Jenni was born in '74. Take it easy on yourself about the holidays. Lean on my shoulder, and I'm sure you'll get through them. Yup, I had to give in and see a doctor about my eyes. Somehow, I got acid in them. I'm ok, but they hurt a little. Talk to ya later,

hugz,luvz,Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi CindiSue, our prayers will stay with you and your mom. Take the season like any other through grieving, moment by moment. When you think you can't go any further, rest. If you need a shoulder to lean on or cry on, you have ours. Take good care of yourself, dear friend. Your mom is getting good care, so all you need to do is give her your time and love. We're here to help you all we can. luv ya, hugz, Me

[leahaynn]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for such a warm welcome. I\'ve caught up with your posts and want to let you know that I\'ve got you all in my thoughts and prayers. Each of us are certainly fighting our own battles and none of this is easy - especially during the upcoming holiday season. I feel like I\'m still in a fog so my thoughts seem so random. Please forgive me. Everyone tells me how amazing I\'m doing but they don\'t see me after my daughter goes to bed for the night. That is when I fall apart. I never knew I could cry so much.

Mark ~ take care of those eyes and yourself. I hope Mary has a good night tonight. I can tell that you are the rock that everyone tends to lean on. Don\'t forget to let yourself lean on and receive from others.

CindiSue ~ Your strength is so evident. I have a feeling that you got this from your mom. You both are fighters. I\'m glad you\'re not giving up on her - each moment you have with her is a gift.

CindySue ~ You sound like you are such a good mommie to Byron. You are lucky to have each other. I enjoy reading your posts because of how encouraging you are to everyone here.

Renee ~ I am so with you in loving to hear your daughter\'s name. A group of people from my husband\'s office came over Friday night to help me unpack boxes (I still haven\'t unpacked from our move. He died before we got everything moved.) They hung pictures, put things away and recounted stories of my husband - reaffirming their love for him. He had a very keen sense of humor so many of their stories brought a lot of laughter along with the tears. It was a great evening for both me and our daughter and I think for them as well. He has left a big hole in the lives of many.

Thank you again for allowing me to share. Love and blessings to each of you.

Ann

[withani]

Mark...the last thing I suspect you needed today was the dose of acid in your eyes!!!! My dear friend...you're so busy "taking care of business" that I sincerely hope you can get back to the music again.

CindySue...hope you and lil' Bryon are enjoying the weekend. You are such a wonderful friend.

Leahaynn...thank you for the positive comments and yes...I do get my strength from my mother...she's a very special lady..God has given us 10 extra years that we didn't expect and I am greatful for every day she's with us. I'm glad your husbands coworkers came by to help out...it is very normal to feel "in a fog" for months.......take care of yourself.

Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

leahaynn, I'm so happy to hear that you had so much company. It's good to have someone remind us of the good parts of life, not just the sad days following death. It's okay to fall apart in those moments. This shows the depth of love you both shared. As painful as grief is, it's a priceless reminder of your love.

Me? A what? The closest to a rock was at a few concerts I played. Thank you for that. I'm just little old me, doing what I do. Mary had a few bad nights lately, but we got through them. I'm now waiting for the doctor to call back for her followup treatments. I'd like to see them work, but starting to lose my confidence. She's getting a little weaker as this progresses.

Have the best of days. Spend a bunch of time enjoying your daughter.

always here, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I would rather dispense with the acid burns. This is a lot better today. Thanks. Shall I share your pun with Randy Bachman next time I'm in Toronto (we say Toronno)? Promise, I won't embarass you like that. I met the guys in BTO when Rock Is My Life was released. Ouch! I'm getting old.

Please take gentle care of yourself. You have a lot going on. You're with friends here, and you can release those unhappy feelings with us. Don't blow up like I have been when you're near your mom's SO. You can't make his choices, or walk his path. He'll face the aspects of his choices in the future. Your mom is a treasure, and your are so blessed to have her. (I used to feel jealous of those who were close to their parents, but I finally grew up . . . a little).

We're always here for you. luvzNhugz, Me

[withani]

Hi Mark and CindySue...I'll make this short been a long day. Just got back from the hospital where we thought my mom was going to start being weaned from the respirator....it's not working. The choices we are given are for her to have a tracheotomy and she'll be on a respirator (not sure if she'll ever come off) or make her comfortable and turn off the respirator. This is extremely difficult as she is alert but under sedation. My brother gave the orders to not sedate her so she may make the decision tommorrow as to the direction she wants to go....please take care of yourselves and know that you're in my heart if you don't see any postings from me this week...not sure what's going to happen here....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I will not stop praying for you, your brother and sisters, and your mom. May she have peace in her decision. Rest your heart a little. We're with you. If you need anything, just ask, and we'll help. You're our friend, and we care very much for you. Try to sleep tonight, even though your mind must be going like a freeway.

luv ya, hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi all! Tonight I'm going into a stupid fit again. Just another day in paradise. With my rehab going so well, and her health making her weaker, we may need to rethink her long term care needs. Now that hospice seems to be afraid of me (I don't know why), our home is much less stressed and so quiet. Me and my temper. hehehe.

Leahaynn, my prayers are with you. Try to get a little rest.

CindySue, please keep tending your iron, girl. I would be happy to see you as healthy as you can be.

CindiSue, we're all praying for you, our dear friend. We're praying for peace for you.

Renee, oh, what shall I do with thee? Thou art a source of great strength here. Merci beaucoup, mon copine. Hold on to His hands. He'll get you through the tough days.

Hugz N luv to you all, Me

[aprilsmom]

Well, my family voted to go out of town so we're leaving in a minute. I went by the site of the accident today. A friend of April's put up a beautiful white cross and it is surrounded with 4 dozen red and white roses. I watched 2 of my kids kneel at that cross this evening - it was almost dark and lots of traffic going by. It hurt....God it hurt. Pray for me that I will not relive the day of the accident all day tomorrow. Blessings to all, talk on the 19th-I'm still praying for you! Renee

[cindysue]

Hi Cindisue, Mark, Aprilsmom,Ann,...Thankyou you all so much for the nice messages...I been havin problems with my leg I fell and tore some tendons and I am hobbling along..I am gettin my b12 shot tomorrow..not loooking forward to that at all but I gotta keep my stength of for baby Byron..he is such a good baby and I gotta get better for him..even though this time of year makes me wanna give up I don't even look forward to the holidays no more without Roger after being with him the last 28 years then being alone depresses me but I gotta think of our girls ..and baby Byron my sweet last precious gift and oh what a gift all the kids are..I see Roger in all of them so much..

Cindisue, I am so sorry to hear about your mom bless her heart what a fighter she is...you are such a good and loving daughter and she knows it too and God won't make her suffer anymore then she has too..I am still praying that you will get to spend the holidays with your mom I hate to hear how sad you must be and how much you are hurting of your mom being so bad ..its bad enough losing your love Gary...but please know we are all here for you girlfriend..

Mark, What a friend you are always have such sweet words to say to everyone and we are all worried about you also you need to rest more and sleep more you and Cindisue and all of you mean so much to me..I have learned to care about each and everyone of you..so much..stay sweet Mark..your special..

Aprilmom..thankyou for the sweet thoughts of me and Byron it is really appreciated I hope your holding up ok I know its gonna be real hard during these holidays without your daughter but she is with you...enjoying them right with you...You sometimes wonder why kids have to go before the parents no one knows why does'nt seem fair but no one can predict it I guess but now she is with the angels and I will always be thinking of all of you during these holidays...its a sad time but I guess it takes time to heal..

Ann,..I hope thats ok for me to call you that instaed of the long name knowing me I will spell it wrong..I know its only been a few weeks for you..and gosh I know what your going through I can't tell you it will get easier people keep tellin me oh it gets easier its been 15 monthes since Roger passed away..I don't know if it is easier but its getting better to bare even though I miss him so terribly..I see my baby Byron in him so much..they even act alike..and I see it in our 2 daughters too...thiers a reason I had another baby at such a late age and everynight I thank God for that..I guess my husband or the good Lord did'nt want me to be alone when he passed away..I gave him a son finally and I will never forget in the delivery room how he cried after our son was born..he loved our girls too but I know deep down he wanted a son also..so I gave him his last final wish..so now I gotta be strong for him..well enough of me rabbling I do hope you get through the holidays ok I'll be praying for you..

Love and Hugs To You All,

Cindysue

[leahaynn]

Hello everyone . . . I'm having a weepy night. I miss Ray so much . . . I never knew that I could hurt this much and still keep going. I miss his smile and his wonderful sense of humor. He could make me laugh even over the serious things. Now my life just feels so empty. I started to cry during supper tonight and my daughter gets upset when I cry. Today she asked me several times when we were going to get a new daddy. I know when you're four it all seems so easy . . .

Cindysue - it is fine to call me Ann - that is the name I go by. The longer one is just a username. Please take care of yourself. Torn tendons are so painful. You and I share the fact we have younger children. Our daughter came into our lives quite unexpectedly after we'd been married 20 1/2 years. She is a joy and like you, she is the reason I keep going.

CindiSue - My prayers and thoughts are with you. I hope we hear from you soon.

Mark - Your love for Mary is wonderful and inspiring. I think people in the medical profession (like Hospice) can become jaded and forget that we are all hurting people trying to keep going in the midst of immense pain and emotion.

Renee - How hard that must have been to go by the site of the accident. I'm still having one heck of a time just going into the garage where Ray collasped. You are one strong lady.

I feel that my attempts to lift you all up are lame - please forgive me. I want to offer as much to you as you have to me. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a barrel and can't function like I want to. Just know that I do offer prayers for each of you and I know that God hears each one, no matter how faint.

Love to you all,

Ann

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I'll keep you and your beautiful family in prayer throughout the day. Hold on to the hand of Jesus. When you can't walk, He'll carry you. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll send mine fedex (not quite, but you always have my shoulder). Your family has been so thoughtful to be out of town for the day. It will hurt, but the tears and sorrow are a lasting tribute to how much love you shared with such a sweet treasure of a child. I hope our girls have a great day in Heaven tomorrow. I know April is holding you gently, in her own unique way.

luvz, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Leahaynn, you really are such a comfort, you know. I was needing to see that hospice thing in such a way. They have a job to do, but that can cloud their perspective, I guess, when they see so much of the death process.

I'm impressed by your daughter's wisdom and perspective. She's really something! Children think in concrete terms, which is why so many think daddy will be popping through the door any minute. They don't see how death truly impacts us until later in life, as a rule. This also shows the depth of her pain. As CindySue taught us all, babies are able to grieve. It hurts to see Byron touched so by his daddy's death.

Be gentle in caring for yourself. The feelings of grief are so much like a rollercoaster, up, down, upside down, in all kindsa helter skelter. Take it all moment by moment. Like I say to everyone, please spoil yourself a little. You still deserve this.

hugz,luvz, me