Young Widowhood

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, no decisions til Christmas - that's the wisest thing I've heard in a long time. Thank you, my friend. I need to choose an aide, and maybe a nursing home, then I may just take that idea and get into making Christmas things for my children. This is my cookie baking season, also the time to make presents (don't laugh, I knit and crochet - it keeps my hands out of trouble).

Enjoy the gift from your sister. Please try to resist your mom's instinct to use it for Tony. Use it for you. You're soooo worth the treat.

Don't be sad for us, please. This is part of the process, one that has been years getting this far. I'm thankful we're able to talk and plan for what's ahead. Now, before I cry all over my keyboard - again - I'm going to bed. I hope you all sleep well tonite.

luvzNhugz, Mark

[withani]

Mark...I think it's cool that you knit and crochet and how fortunate your children are to get gifts from the heart. I got a kick out of your saying it's baking season...Gary was such are great cook and would bake mass amounts of cookies when we lived together. He would cut up brown grocery bags to lay the cookies out on while they cooled...I always enjoyed it...made the house a home. I'm glad you're postponing BIG decisions and taking the time to enjoy the holidays. It's so strange to me that BOTH Gary and my mom aren't going to be around during the holidays...they have always been the only two people in my life that have let me be me. I hate this!!! I have to put something together for my children though...they've been understanding and patient and I don't want to bring them down. Take care my friend...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, just be yourself. You are a beautiful person, and a priceless friend. Don't let anyone push you here or there. Being you is good enough.

Ooo, those cookies! I can't wait to get started. First, I need to finish the presents. Now, I thought I was alone in using the paper bag thing. By Christmas, I'll bake at least a thousand.

Sleep well, my friend. luvsNhugz, me

[cindysue]

Cindisue and Mark, I am so sorry for not writing more I can barely get around I don't know whats wrong with my right leg but I can't even put weight on it without it hurtin maybe I pulled more muscles this time in my upper leg and I am hurtin so bad I been takin tylenol and advil but nothing is helpin too much anymore and boy is it hard chasing Byron and gettin him somethin to eat I been forcing myself to walk to do that and of course he is always thirsty..but thats ok maybe excersing is good for me..Cindisue I know what you mean bout the holidays and with you losing Gary and now you mom it has to be even harder I hate this time of year now it makes me think of Roger too much and how excited he would be watchin Byron open up his presents..he is missing out on so much..makes me sad that Byron won't have a daddy..later when he is older he will ask me questions and I will tell him what a great daddy he had..and how much he loved him and how he held him in his arms while he was dieing...I just remember how they had to pry his arms off of Byron when he died..and how Byron screams for his Dada..but it will take me a long time to get the scene out of my head watchin Roger die like he did and watchin him turn blue..just always wonder if I could have done somethin different..I should have known he was sick..maybe if I knew he would'nt have had the heart attack..I blame myself sometimes..cause at 46 it should'nt have happened..he just turned 46 a week before he died we were actually clebrating his birthday ...what a celebration .. but at least I was with him when he did die and he died in the boat where he would have wanted to right in the middle of the lake...I am sorry I am rehashing all this up just when I think I am doing really good I get down again..I am sorry I don't wanna bring everyone down..I love u both and I will go lay down for now and try putting a heating pad on my leg or something..talk to you soon my sweet friends..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue and Mark what wonderful friends I have in the two of you...I always look forward to your postings.

CindySue...the memory you have of Roger passing I'm sure is almost unbearable on many days. I fell somewhat fortunate that I didn't see Gary at the exact time he passed but then some guilt over it. With my mom I saw the entire transformation which reminded me of you because she had tears at one point. I didn't want her to go and I knew she couldn't stay. You're right...46 is too young...but keep remembering God doesn't make any mistakes. Before Roger was born it was already decided how old he would be when he passed...I think that helps knowing that.

Mark...thank you for your kind words in this difficult time for you. I'm glad you're baking and that you're using the brown paper bags

Love and hugs to you both!!! CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I can't find words to tell you two sweet ladies how much you mean to my wife and me. CindiSue, you are so right that God chose the day we'd return to Him way before we were born. To some this is upsetting, but for me, it's peaceful. God is in control. Because He's in control, I have nothing to worry about as Mary continues her journey. Roger at 46, Mary now 37, or April at 28, I say they are all too young.

Here's a little happy news. Our church set up a scholarship for our 12 year old, so he can attend a private Christian high school. We home school him, but now that his mom is so ill, I think it's best for him to not be with her all day long. He needs to be with other children. I may change my mind as I get back into trucking, but for now, I want him to have fun with his friends (even that one girl he likes so much). At least my 17 year old's sweetie has succeeded in talking him out of the military. I love this girl. I'm a little concerned about her wish for five children, but we'll deal with that after the wedding - and that's after college. tee hee.

Have a good night, my dear friends. lots of hugs, luv ya, Me

[withani]

Mark...it gives me great comfort to know that God is in control as well. It helps to keep positive with our losses when we feel like we're losing our minds!!!!!!!

That is so wonderful that your church has set up a scholarship for your son to attend...and you're right about him needed to get away from the house and around kids his age. A 12 year old shouldn't have to worry about such things and I'm sure you and Mary feel the same way. The two of you are so great Mark...I sure wish you and Mary and CindySue lived close by so we could stop in on each other with our boxes of kleenex's while we're eating our freshly baked cookies from your oven.

Thank you..for being YOU!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thanks, CindiSue. Knowing your opinion, which I value so much, is important. Yeah, it would be sweet to be a little closer. If you'd like, we might be able to meet in January, when I go to my daughter's in St Louis. I'm driving her home for a visit, but my ulterior motive is to spend a few days with my grandson. If it would work out, we could all try to get together for a little bit, maybe even dinner, my treat.

[sixtap]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your replies, it's nice to be able to discuss this with people who understand. your suggestions and responses made me feel that i was not alone. I hope we can communicate to each other on a regular basis. I've been reading your messages to each other and love the way you are so supportive of one another. I wish you all the best. Sixta

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sixta, You're always welcome here. Please feel free to write anytime, even if you need to vent the stress. This is why we're all here. Give yourself some special treatment, just for you. Even though you're the one grieving, you still need to feel good about being yourself and alive in the world. I'm sure you spoil your daughter completely, right? tee hee. I look forward to talking more with you.

Mark

[withani]

Mark that would be awesome to meet up with you sometime in January when you're passing through to St. Louis!!!!! love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Sixtap...sorry I haven't met you yet...I'm CindiSue/Withani (yes there's 2 CindySue's here but mines with-an-i)...I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my SO last January 2nd suddenly from heart failure and just two weeks ago I lost my mother. I wish you peace and will look forward to speaking with you on this site...HUGS!!!!! CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue, thanks I think your right God has all our plans made out I guess I never thought of it in that way makes since..makes me feel a little better knowin what ever I did it was meant to be..I just miss him alot...I sure wish we all did live alot closer..seein and maybe meetin you and Mark would be so awesome..and baby Byron would love it..like you said we will all need somethin to wipe our eyes ..it would be so sweet meeting you and Mark..I hope your doing ok Cindisue and hope you get through the holidays ok..posed to be a happy occasion but how can it be when we lost our loves ..well I am gonna lay down ahave a great night...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, I am still feelin crappy alot of pain but doing a little better I think maybe stress makes it worse for me..I put up my tree the other day and when Byron looked at it his face just lit up and he put his little hands over his mouth and go's pretty and I go yeah baby it sure is he kept wanting to touch it..well since I am feelin so down and feelin bad I am gonna lay down..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

sixtap, like Mark says we are here for you anytime you wanna talk I can't tell you how great these people are on here Cindisue and Mark are awesome and know just what to say to make you feel better they are super friends and we all welcome you here anytime..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, when my daughter finally nails down the date for the trip, I'll let ya know. Of course, with her, making a decision is like nailing jello to a wall. She's MY little girl, and I love her. I swear she got the (in)ability to make decisions from me. tee hee. I look forward to meeting up with you.

My wife and I had such a long talk today. Fear kept us from it, but we needed to do this. She needed me to let go of her, which has been the one thing I couldn't, but finally today, I did.

luvzNhugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, stress is the confusion caused when the mind overrules the body's desire to pound the crap out of some idiot who needs it.

Oh, let Byron play with the pretty tree. He won't smear peanut butter through it . . . maybe. hehehe.

This weekend, I'm making rootbeer, and then cookies. Romeo and Juliet will decorate the tree with my 12 year old.

Try to sleep girl. If not, I could read you a bedtime story. I got a story book for my girls, so I can read to them at night. Are they spoiled or what? hehehe.

luvzNhugz 4 ya both, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Okay, what's with the quiet? Are you ladies okay?

Renee, hope it's all okay for ya. Try to get some rest this weekend.

CindySue, take care of your legs. It's good that the towel thing helped.

CindiSue, it's a Sunday, so maybe a good day with Peanut? Thanx for the email. You sure know how to get to my heart. The mom thing is so beautiful. My wife is the epitome of a mom, always loving and giving of herself, even now.

sixtap, I hope it's all going okay for you this weekend. I keep a little prayer for ya.

Amazingly, my wife had a fair night Friday, so I slept late Sat morning. My neighbor finally bugged me enough to get me out of bed at about 1 pm. He bought a new dragster, which meant I had to check it out. You know me with a race car (sorry Cindy, it's not a Vette). hehehe. Seeing I slept so late, I'll most likely be awake til sunrise. Time to get some recording done.

Have fun, and keep well, kids. I pray for ya and think of y'all lots.

hugz,luvz,me

[bubupig]

My husband was killed in a work accident 3 weeks ago this coming Tuesday. He was 24 years old. I am 26. We had only been together 4 years, married for 3. I am just so completely and utterly destroyed by his death.

He is my soul mate and we have had a wonderful life together. i just thought we would grow old together, have children. The things we all wish for.

I think he knew what was coming because the final 3 days before he died, we did all the things we have been putting off and he made a point of saying to me, completely out of the blue, that true love never has an ending.

Craig was scottish and I'm australian, I had met him in UK when I went there for a working holiday. We moved back to oz 3 years ago - he knew no one here. Yet after 3 years, hundreds turned up to his funeral. We only had our house built several months ago, living in it for the past 4 months (when he died).

Everything was just going our way and I really don't know how I'm supposed to go on now. We had spoken of death before and I had said I would commit suicide if he died before me but he made me promise that I wouldn't. The past 3 weeks (almost) I have just been so numb. His family had to come over from UK/Scotland for the funeral and that was really hard.

I only just feel now like it is all hitting me. I feel like my time with him has all just been a dream and I have only now just woken up to my **** life.

I would just give anything to have him back.

I just don't know how to deal with things, how to continue on, how to live without him by my side. He completed me and know I just feel so empty and not myslef you know. He made me a better person, and I don't know how I can possibly go on. I know I'm not alone but it just feels so hard.

I have felt like I've needed to be strong for everyone else but I just feel so exhausted now.

I have no energy nor inclination to do anything.

I am just so lost.

It is just inconceivable that he is not here anymore. I just miss him so much. I feel like I have an open wound that will never heal.

I don't care about anything anymore, see no point in caring, have no fear of anything, I'm just not being sensible about anything. Everyday, I hope that I will die in a car accident, or be struck by lightening, or murdered. Things I used to fear have no relevance to me anymore. If I die then I would be with him you know. And I wouldn't have to be strong and cotinue on without him.

I just don't know how I will get past this.

And with xmas coming up - we'd been planning it and looking forward to our first xmas in our new home. It is all just so empty without him here. I am empty.

Am i normal?

Can anyone please help me?

[joadriana]

Hi Mark, Cindysue, Cindisue, Aprilsmom

[aprilsmom]

Dear bu, There is a book for young people that have lost spouses called, "I'm Grieving Just as Fast as I Can" This just doesn't happen to kids your age!! My daughter April was killed in an accident 11/04, she was 26 and her husband bobby is 28 now. They too had been married for 3 yrs., no kids, just built a big beautiful home near the college here. Like you, they had everything going for them and so much to look forward too. It is hard for Bobby to be with us and that hurts even more. He has been in our lives since he was 16 and they met in high school. Thank you for sharing, it's hard for the parents to understand what the spouse of their lost child is going through. We tend to think that we are the only ones who have lost anything (unintentionally) so try to be patient with your in-laws. I will pray for you this morning, for you to have a bit of peace. Take Care, Renee

[joadriana]

Mark, Cindisue, Cindysue, Aprilsmom

Not sure what i did then!!

Hi all I have decided what I am going to do and wanted to share it with you all as it may be some advice that could help? If not well not too worry.

I am going to keep in touch with mark for me and him BUT I have given myself a deadline of when i feel I need to move on and recognise that maybe Mark may never be ready. After this deadline I will still be helping him in my thought's and heart as he will alwys have a special place there. I was with mark for seven months so believe I should give myself seven weeks, a week for each month! (Good in tgheory eh!)

Anyway as I was deciding this I thought of all you and how you are all suffering in this greieve and thought this maybe the answer to you all to help you all eventually move on with your lives?

Maybe give yourselves a time limit of how long you want to grieve and during this time except that you will grieve and have terrible times but then working towards the time, date you have set yourself you can then use this to decide it is time to move on. BUT remembering moving on is not moving on from that person but keeping them speacil in your heart and enjoying their memories instead of greiving that they are not with you?

Anyway it was just a thought?

Hope maybe it helps?

Thinking of you all, Joxxxx

[aprilsmom]

Hello Mark, good for you, sleeping in my friend. I'm going to church this morning. They asked me to share with the women's group the other evening and I actually made it through it. The thrust of my little message was that if people knew how far-reaching their prayers were, there would be NO more Amens. I did not talk about April or the accident, I just wanted to focus on that ONE important thing. I was really nervous, hadn't spoken in public in years. Actually, I know the Lord did it for me, just used my mouth, what a privelege and blessing that always is. I tend to stick my foot in when it's me.

Hey Jo- how goes it with your Mark?

Take Care, Renee

PS Been thinking and praying for CindySue and CindiSue, please feel my hugs coming from long distance.

[aprilsmom]

My sister just told me - Worry about nothing, Pray about everything - now there's a thought for the day. Love you guys, Renee

[withani]

Busy weekend but wanting to pop in for a hello....

Mark I'm glad you Mary had a good night Friday and that you enjoyed the email on Mothers...mine was THE BEST!!!!

CindySue...hope you're having a decent weekend girlfriend...luv ya!

Renee..I've read the book I'm Grieving As Fast as I Can...it's WONDERFUL!!!

Jo...Please don't give Mark a timetable for his grief...this is a very personal journey that cannot have time limits

Bubupig...I am SO SORRY to hear of your loss...everyone here has felt the same type of feelings you're going through and would have preferred going with their loved one as well. Just take one day at a time...BIG HUG...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Bubupig..Oh gosh I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss we all feel very bad for you..you are way to young and just starting life with your husband to have this happen to you my heart really go's out to you..as for myself I lost my husband last year of a massive heart attack he was 46 years old and was very unexpected we were on vacation in our boat when he had the attack it killed him instantly right in the boat we had no warning signs it happened while he was driving the boat holding our 15 month old son at the time ..we also have 2 daughters around your age..but they were not with us at the time..me and Roger were married for 28 years...its not an easy thing to go through and I know you hurt really bad..like I said your way to young to have this aweful thing to go through..but no one knows when thier time is up and its sad to hear it happened such a aweful way..I always wondered why we had another child at our age when both our daughters were grown the Lord knew what he was doing when we had another child a son he is 2 years old now and he looks just like his daddy so I have a great last reamining precious gift..I know right now it does'nt feel like it will get better and the pain will always be thier but he is always with you in your heart...I know xmas is commin up and I can't tell you it will be easy it won't be..but remember he is with you ...in sprit..and we are all here for you whenever your feelin down...

Hugs to you,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Girlfriend how you doing? my leg is still a hurting but I guess it takes time...I feel so sad whenever I see a message from someone that just lost a husband or wife and they are grieving so bad..specilly the really young ones that is just starting life..but I know we are all hurting just no one knows when it can happen..I been thinkin bout you alot and hope you and peanut are doing good..I am doing as good as I can hobbling around that is but its so hard chasing Byron when I am this way..but I wanted to write you to let you know I was thinkin of ya..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Renee, thankyou so much for the prayers, I been feelin kinda down like everyone else I guess with just xmas around the coner its gettin worse but I know you feel that too its just gonna be rough gettin through it..take care Renee my friend..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Jo, hello thier I think its a really good idea that is your decision I think its a smart move at least to give it a chance..I thought about what you said and maybe your right I was married for 28 years and he's been dead now for 16 monthes maybe a little more time I need I still grieve alot specailly closer it gets to the holidays..but as time go's on its gettin a little easier.. but thanks for the good advice..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, my sweet friend, I guess maybe we are all quiet cause of the lonely holiday that is commin up I know we should feel more cheerful but its kinda hard but with talkin to you and all the wonderful people on here it really helps everyone is so kind and has such a terrible thing they are going through ...I hope Mary is doing ok this evening and I am hoping maybe tonight I will sleeo peacefully..Byron was up half the night thats what I get for givin him M&M's so late before he went to bed..but he wanted them and I could'nt say no to his cute little face.I know he's got me wrapped around his baby finger..lol...oh well he's my sweetie..well I am gonna lay down and prop my feet up ..talk to you soon my sweet friend..that can always bring a smile to everyones face..

Love and hugs,

Cindysue

[joadriana]

Bubupig

You are normal, from listening to others who are going through the same grieve as you they all seem to talk about the pain and hole in your hearts that nothing can seem to fix.

Be strong for you and your husband keep rememberuing that he wanted you to go on with your life, make him proud!

There is a bereavement couselling group called CRUSE BEREAVEMENT. They offer advice and support. Try their web site.

Good luck, Jox

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Bubupig, I am so deeply sorry you lost you husband. The empty, lost feelings you have are a part of initial shock we feel. This will ease up on you, I promise. Take each moment, and make the best. Whatever you do, please don't let people tell you to "get over it" or "move on". When we lose someone, there is no closure, like we can close the door to a room and never reenter that room. The door is always there to look at. There are always reminders. If at all possible, find a grief counselor.

You are always welcome here, to say whatever you feel like saying. Even if you want to scream, yell, and swear, it's ok. We've all been there. This is the best and sweetest bunch of people who are so supportive. I'm thinking of you and praying. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, how can you possibly say no to such a cute little boy? Then he gets all sugared up and you pay the price. Oops! I was in ER last nite, dealing with the migraine from hell. I'll only be online a minute today. I need rest. Take care of yourself today, my sweet friend. luv ya both, with big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, Watch those busy weekends, girl. Make sure to rest. I don't want my dear friend ill or stressed from being too tired. Yes, your email was the greatest. Luv the one of Jesus. Now that you know which 'button' to push on me, you'll get me all mushy whenever, eh. hehehe. HAve a fun day with the little ones. luvya,hugs,me

[withani]

Mark...thanks but I think it's too late to warn me about being stressed...this upcoming Holiday Season is definitely stressing me out...difficult to understand how stores and homes can be decorated when your loved ones are gone...going to sleep...hope all is well with Mary...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[bubupig]

Hey Renee, CindiSue, Joadriana, Mark,

Thanks all for your words - it's just such a comfort to know someone understands.

Craig has been gone 3 weeks today and I have to say I am proud of myself for making it this long. I've had so many people saying to me to watch out when I find another partner, that I don't get taken for a ride etc, but I don't want to forget Craig or find someone else. And everyone's also been saying I'm young, I've got my life ahead of me, I can move on and find someone else but that's not the sort of things I want to be hearing when my soul mate has just died.

After reading different info on this website, and the net in general I realised that I don't have to forget Craig and can still celebrate/acknowledge his birthday, anniversaries, etc. I had it in my head that now he's gone I have to forget ever being with him and move on and this was just so hard for me. I feel better knowing I can still love him and remember him and treasure him even if he isn't here physically.

Todays been a really crappy day - my aunty's husband died yesterday also in a work accident - she's in her 50's but what's uncanny about it all is that she and her husband only married a few weeks after Craig and they came to Australia for their honeymoon to meet Craig and see me for our Australian Reception. they didn't tell me they were coming and suprised us at our reception. I'm really close to her and we always commented on how lucky we werer to have met our respective spouses and we obviously always knew each others anniversaries etc and then i loose Craig then 3 weeks later her husband also dies in a work accident. It's just so unfair. I'd hoped that no one else in my immediate family would have to deal with the death of someone so close and then to have it happen to someone so close to me so soon after Craig - it's just bought all the crap of the last 3 weeks rushing back you know. And especially today being the 3 week anniversary of his death - which was hard to begin with.

I'm just so glad to have all of you to vent to and know that you understand.

I too am not looking forward to xmas. I know I'll get through it all but it just seems so impossible. I'm really not looking to the future right now because it's all so raw.

Hope everyone is as ok as you can be.

Beck

[cindysue]

bubupig(Beck)I know how hard it is for you people will say all kinds of things they think cause your young you will get over it faster and find someone in no time but your heart does'nt work that way...people would tell me the same..but I am alot older then you I am 47..and lost Roger last year..like I said before we have 3 kids together 2 girls that are grown and a little boy that is 2 years old..he was my last precious gift..and people always tell me you will find someone else to get and the little one will even have a nice stepdad someday but sometimes it hurts me when they say that after being married for 28 years my heart is still with him ..so having someone is hard to think of..beck you are right you don't ever have to forget his birthdays or any holidays he will always be with you..its hard to get it in your head he's gone so don't beat your head in thinkin you should be strong all the time..look at me Roger's been gone for 16 monthes and I am still pretty much grieveing I compare everything to him and everyone..it takes a long time to get over such a painful thing..I am so sorry to hear of your aunts husbands death thats really strange how the deaths are so close happening I am so sorry for your family..this must me so hard for you. We all know what you are going through and its not easy at all ..my heart breaks for you it really does but you seem like a very strong girl and I will have you and your family in my prayers...

Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Hi Beck....CindySue is right...you don't have to forget birthdays..anniversaries..holidays...it's been 11 mos. for me of the sudden death of my SO Gary. We were together 11 years and I will never forget him...he'll always be with me..just not physically. People say the darnest things and don't let anyone push you into feeling like you have to move on..we don't...we just accept. I'm so sorry to hear about your Aunt's husband in a work accident as well...how tragic. I'm sure the two of you will be a good source of support for each other. I have found my BEST SUPPORT to actually be here with CindySue..Mark and Renee. They are all very wonderful people. Keep talking girlfriend...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[bubupig]

Thanks CindySue and CindiSue/Withani, I'm sorry for both your losses - it's all just so tragic and unfair. Everyone here seems so strong and wise. You just all seem like wonderful people.

I have been thinking like you CindiSue that Craig will always be with me, just not physically. It's just so reassuring to hear someone else say it.

I have been so numb the past couple of weeks - it's all really starting to hit me now. I phoned up a counsellor today to make an appointment. i'm just not handling things too well. I just miss the physical Craig so much you know - just everything about him. And everything reminds me of him - obviously I am living in our house but watching TV I compare people to him - songs on the radio, Movies, just everything.

I have been really feeling quite panicked yesterday and today - have been crying alot. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I haven't left the house for a few days now - I need to because I have to get stuff done but I just can't be bothered.

I have been really thinking about suicide - I know Craig wants me to go on - but I just feel like crap. I took tablets last night and wrote a note for my family but after a bit I ended up throwing it all up because I could hear Craig telling me not to do it - that I promised him I would go on if he ever died before him. I just don't feel like there is any reason to go on. I don't want anything, I don't want to do anything.

I feel like I need to find a purpose in my life now - a reason to go on. Craig was my life. I felt so blessed when he was alive - that I was the luckiest person on the earth - to be in love and with him and having such a wonderful life. Then this happpened.

It is all just so unfair.

It just seems so far away 2 months, 11 months, years even without Craig - just any future seems so far off. I just want to be able to care enough about myself to just do the normal things - washing, cleaning the house, leaving the house, etc.

How have you all managed? How have you got to where you are? Did you feel like I'm feeling now initially?

It's been hard with everyone around me because the first 2 weeks I had people phoning/coming around in droves, now the last week or so there has just not been anything. No one wants to talk to me - no one knows what to say. And when I have gone out and run into people I know they just have this look of pity on thier faces. And it's all just so awkward. I think what is harder is that when I'm around people I hold it together, I have no emotion, but when I am alone with my thoughts that's when I break down and can't handle it. I think that's why I've gotton to the stage I'm now at because I haven't really seen anyone for a few days. My parents phone every day to see how I am but they are gutted to and I just tell them I'm ok. I know if I told them the truth they would make me move home with them and smother me - I cry and talk to them but when I'm alone I just completely break.

I'm sorry I go on so much but I don't have any other avenue to voice all my thoughts. I have to keep up this pretense with everyone else that I'm ok and it's all fine otherwise I get all the talks from them.

Atleast with you guys I can tell the truth and be myself.

Thank you.

Beck/BubuPig

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, if it's too late for the warning, then maybe a comforting hug? I'll even add a batch of cookies, if you'd like. Spend the day with Peanut, and forget the rest.

I'd like to chuck the whole bloody thing about the holidays now. My wife is in hospital, another stroke. Her right side is down for the count, but the doctor thinks she'll get most of it back. At 9 pm, when I left, she could barely move her right foot. The most serious part is that she can stroke out very easily, so they have to watch her for a few days. I'll keep you up to date of course.

luvzNhugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Beck, please hold on to this life with everything you have. The pain we all pass through is a necessary part of saying good bye, and remembering how much we love someone. My wife is still with me, after fours of fighting this illness. Yesterday was a stroke, so she's in hospital being watched for the possibility of another one. We live with a constantly high stress. If it weren't for the friends I have here, who are more precious than all the gold and silver in the world, I'd be an emotional mess. It seems like, on the days when I can't hold it all together, they say something that pick me up off my floor and brushes me off so I can keep going. I hope you can find them as dear as I have.

Try to think less in terms of days, and more like moments or minutes. This will shorten the time of the pain you're feeling now, at least in your mind. You'll feel like it's less. Also, try to give yourself a special treat that you personally enjoy, like a hot bubble bath with candles, or a favorite movie with popcorn, even a perfect cup of coffee. You need to have something to enjoy just as you are, even with the pain. This can help ease your mind into accepting things. Have you tried yoga? Many people say it helps. It helps me relax when I have headaches. If you can find a support group, by all means, join. I'm in one called Parents of Murdered Children, since my daughter Jenni was killed.

Take gentle care, and know that we're always here for you. Whatever you want to say, no matter how you say it, you're free to speak here. We'll always listen with compassion and understanding. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, take care of yourself today. I'm worried about you getting hurt even more. I know how difficult it is when you're caring for a two year old, but you also need to care for yourself. Hope the hot towels and Motrin help ya. Give Byron a hug for me, and a few for you. luvz, Me

[bubupig]

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry to hear your wife has had a stroke - how is she going now? You are both in my thoughts. I think you are so incredibly couragous for what you are going through and being so strong.

I phoned up a Counsellor yesterday to make an appointment - I felt I really needed some professional help. I have also decided that I have to go on, no matter how bad it gets as Craig would just be so mad at me if I didn't.

I was thinking in terms of a week at a time - which was ok for a few days but have now realised this is too long a period for me to contemplate - so I am cutting it down to shorter periods - like just getting thru to lunch time etc. It does make it easier. I realise the pain will be with me for the rest of my life, but I'm doing my best to deal with it.

I read thru alot of the entries on this thread last night and it helped me immensly. We are all basically going through the same thing, feeling the same things, reacting the same ways, I have drawn strenght from everyone that has posted here. If you can all do it, then I can too. I have trying to think more positive about things - remembering how lucky I am to have atleast had 4 years with Craig. I am lucky to have had that amount of time with him. And I wouldn't change a single day.

I would like to give myself a special treat but I just don't feel like I deserve it right now - I have decided today that I do need to take better care of myself though - I can't just let everything fall apart around me. I would never do that if Craig was physically here so why should I do that even if he isn't physically here. I know's he's out there somewhere - and I have felt him a few times since he died - so I figured I need to atleast do the basics - cleaning the house, etc. I shouldn't be doing things differently just because I can't see him anymore you know. I need to carry on - for both of us.

I'm just glad I have the support of all you guys - it makes me stronger for having the support and reading everything everyone else is going through - and seeing you all being so strong - it touches my heart. It also saddens me though with all the death and horrible things that have been thrown all our ways.

You and Mary are in my thoughts Mark, hope you are both ok.

Hugs and Kisses to everyone,

Beck

[aprilsmom]

M A R K---------------WHAT NOW? Are YOU okay? Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Renee! We're ok, I guess. She's home now. I hate hospitals. Last night, they finally got all the tests together and chose plan B, it's not a stroke this time. It's a neurological event. What on earth does that mean? She's very weak tonight, and tired (do I expect her to run a marathon?).

How you doing, girl? With Christmas peeking around the corner, I know you'd also like to call it off. Go ahead. All I'm doing is the little things that mean something to my children and grandson. The rest of the cheer will have to wait til next year. I'm not Scrooge, just a dad with a broken heart. I'll email ya with my new addy. I'm getting hacked by a spammer. That strange addy in your inbox is mine.

luvs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Beck, sometimes just taking care of the basics is that special something we need. I've had times when it was a total drag trying to get through a load of laundry, but finishing it made me feel better about caring for the one person who means more to me than all this world, even my own self. Using a shorter time frame is wise. Just get through the morning, or afternoon, sometimes, one hour. Whatever you need to use, as long as it's safe and sane, go for it (sane with me is a relative term, but you'll soon learn I'm a little crazy - tee hee).

We all feel much the same about being here and being with our friends. I don't know how much I contribute to others here, but I gain more from them than I could ever repay. But, it's not about repaying, because in friendship, we do this out of our love and compassion for each other.

The doctors said initially my wife had another stroke (which would have been her third), but last night they rethought their diagnosis, and decided it was a neurological event. Because it was in her brain, it's still somewhat serious. At her young age of 37, she shouldn't be having any of these, but such is the nature of this dystrophy.

Thank you for being so supportive. Welcome to our place in the world that we call our own, a place to release the pain and get support. We're always here for you.

hugz,luvz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'll tell you the same as I have others. If you ever choose to love again, he needs to let you always love Gary. Anyone who wouldn't isn't worth your time. If he thinks your precious enough to let you love him and Gary, he's worth hanging onto. You'll always love him, but anyone who wants to be a part of your heart must allow that, or that love won't grow.

Try to have a good evening. luvzNhugz,me

[aprilsmom]

Hi Mark, I'll be looking for the new address. Things have been crazy here too. I am doing exactly what you suggested; keeping it very small and person specific for my family and send a few cards this year too - uh, maybe...

Don't you just love doctors that say events or episodes? Does that mean an big dose of anti-anxiety meds or WHAT? 37 is so DARN young. When I work with my students who have neuralogical disorders I just want to reach inside and untangle what is going on. I know you know, but just one little tweak of the nervous system can change a perfectly sound individual into a struggling being. We move our bodies without even thinking, people should have to watch the intense effort on the face of a little person just trying to move one muscle at a time to lift a foot or open a hand. I think that our God doesn't give that tweak to fix it because HE wants to change the hearts of others, that is the only thing I can come up with. Where I work; you do not show sympathy - just empathy. You would not survive the job otherwise. How often do you use your chair, walker, cane, on your own Mark? I can't believe you tackle the things you do, that's so flippin' awesome! If God didn't need us here to do His work, He would take everyone the minute they accepted HIM right? Take Care, I miss her.....did this really happen to us or did our daughters really ever exist. God, I used to smile and laugh so much. Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

hi Renee! 37 is too young for any of this. 28 is just a child to me, but T is 31. Try hearing her call my wife mom! hehehe. This is our family, no matter who's how old.

I think you're wise to keep it all simple for Christmas. Didn't Jesus? He was born in a cow barn. Time will keep healing your sweet heart, girl, and you'll feel more like doing these holidays in the future. How are your children feeling about the holidays?

Me? Amazing? Nah! I still spend a lot of time in my wheelchair, mostly out of fatigue. My legs are gaining a little, so we're hoping I can get back into a rig within three or four more months. I walk with braces and forearm crutches. Recently, I made the breakthrough of walking without them, which looks comical, but I'm happy anyway. Picture walking with zero muscle control in your ankles, kinda like walking on bouncy balls.

Take care of yourself, okay. I get worried about ya. Keep the faith, and look up. luvzNhugz,Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I hope you're doing well today. You have a whole weekend to play with Peanut, bake cookies, and even make a snowman.

Mary is still sleeping, except for those few minutes here and there. I don't know if it's going to do us much good, but I'm going to try to get her into the neurologist treating this thing. It's a long ride, so she may not do too well with it, but I need answers. If all continues as is, our youngest son will be in private school in January. He's all excited! I'm planning a quiet weekend with my children, and maybe even a snowball fight. We got hammered with snow.

have fun, keep warm. luvz,hugz,Me