Young Widowhood

[cindysue]

Mark, you are right I am still hurtin so much the pain in my back is all over and its on my sides also..I even get pain down my right leg that its hard to put weight on it..Byron is actin ornanry real bad he can think of more things to get into..today he got into lotion and used a whole bottle and rubbed that all over his fave and hair and all over my carpet..I thought awww not again I go BYRON real loud and he takes off running..soon as I found him he;s in his bed covered up laughin like I won't find him and I go bath time and boy did that little guy perk up he go;s I sorry Mama..kitty did I go little boy your not blamming the poor kitty again I had to laugh...the kitty even gets lotion on him so Byron thought well I tell mama the kitty did it..well he had his bath so he's down for the night..he just started to say a few sentences but its takin him awhile It gets me worried cause he should be talkin real clear by now but they are havin some ladies come to my house to teach him sppech therpy..gosh he will be 3 in April so hard to believe he barely looks 2..but he will grow it will just take him longer I guess heart patients tend to grow slower..but I been think bout you and MaryI hope someone can help her she don't deserve this pain..I will say a special prayer for her my sweet friend..I am so happy to hear your daughter is commin home I'll bet you miss her so Much I know my Tina was a daddy's girl and she misses Roger so much she finally broke down the other night cryin and blamming herse;f and hating herself cause he was'nt at the lake with us when her dad died I told her it was'nt meant for her to be thier was only posed to be me and baby Byron..but she is takinit hard now she's held it in for 18 monthes and NOW finally lettin it out..she said she can't even concentrate and feel happy again..I told her its hard but nothing will bring him back so now we gotta move forward..I mean I don't even know how too..I still have Roger's clothes hung up and I even wear Roger's shirt as a night shirt..I even have his shoes in the same place..maybe someday I can finally store these things but thats so hard to do then I guess I will realize its final..well Mark my sweet friend I am gonna try to go back to bed its like 4:30am hope you have a good day and I hope Mary does also thinkin of you both..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Byron

[hurleyta]

Mark, CindySue and CindiSue Withani,

I am here today to tell you all about what happened to me today. James autopsy is FINALLY finished. All that still needs to be done is to get the state to stamp it so it is official. He died of "Multiple Drug Intoxication." I am not sure of waht this means, but it sounds to me like he drugged himself to death??? Kind of like when one drinks himself to death??? Any thoughts??? It is "Accidental" which is a good thing, as I knew it was NOT on purpose. It also is very sad to read this all over again. Here I go with more questions. Like I understand the cause of death, but did his heart, lungs, or what give out??? He was only on the medications for less than 24 hours, so it had to be something big, no??? I will have to go to the ME's office to get the written report. This was just the death certificate... I feel really worn out. This stuff gets me so worn that I don't feel like functioning again. I had a feeling that today was going to be the day, but it finally was... I am glad that it is all over. Now what to do??? I don't want the MD that prescribed this deadly cocktail to do it to others, so I believe that I need to go to the authorities about it??? Any suggestions??

I am going to go to lie down for a while. Just having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Silly, ha???

Take care,

Love and hugs to all,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I'm sorry the pain is getting to you, hon. Sometimes, it sounds like fibromyalgia and just for grins, someone gave you sciatica too. Poor kitty, being Byron's scapegoat. If it wasn't a twenty dollar bottle of lotion, it's laughable. hehehe. Shall I tell you what I did in a store, accidentally, with my wheelchair? It had to do with glass shelves and several bottles of perfume. I didn't mean to. . . my chair just rolled into it. Oops. We're still holding onto stuff here, but you know what I'm going through. I think I'm getting depressed, like I need that too. It's so tiring. I hate these nites of watching her suffer so much, when she only wants a little sleep. So, tell me, did you get the email from me about a week ago, or is your incoming out of whack too? If you still have the problems, just get a new account, and forget the old one. I know, it's such a cool screen name. I'm praying for your Tina. None of this was her fault, or anything she could have controlled. I am so deeply sorry she has to suffer so much. Being a daddy's girl just makes it all hurt worse. I'm here for you and her anytime, so if you need to talk, you know you can easily reach me. Give her lots of hugs (I know you like that cuddly part). It's going to be so cool having my Tina home for a couple of weeks. Even though we talk every day, I still miss having her here, so we can catch a hockey game at the arena, or an old movie (cuddled with her dad on the couch). Get some rest, girl. Don't worry too much about Byron; he's a normal boy, all boy, and yes, he'll catch up in that growing stuff. He's priceless. luvNhugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm sorry the ME's report reads this way. I know it raises a lot of unhappy questions. If you don't mind me asking, what meds was James taking? There are so many that fight with each other, so if you'd like, I'm willing to run them through my pharmacist's puter, and see what interactions there are. If there is something, you still have time to consider the legal options, even a suit if you must go that route. Please take gentle care of yourself. From your post, you sound a little tired, mostly emotional fatigue. My prayers are with you always. Stay well. I'll be back in here tomorrow nite. If you need to talk outside this place, feel free to hit my addy in my info page.

luvz,hugz,me

[withani]

CindySue...Mark and Trish...checking up on everyone and wanted to say hello. I think of you all everyday and wonder how each of you are..unfortunately I've been very busy with work and driving my daughter to her classes a couple nights a week which take up the entire evening. I'm also going out socially regularly now which feels VERY ODD but understand it's all part of the process....

I think I may have mentioned that I saw a Medium two weeks ago who brought me great comfort. My mom came through immediately and said she was WONDERFUL and WHOLE...later in the reading my mom said she has Gary and that he is doing pretty good but is still in the healing process. I can't tell you how much peace this has given me and would highly recommend it if you can find a good one...

P.S. - Peanut broke his arm last weekend and we spent all day at the hospital!!! He looked so sad wearing a Snoopy decorated sling..he kept saying I have a big boo boo.

CindySue...dear girlfriend I'm so sorry to hear of the pain that you've been going through with fibromayalgia..my sister had a lot of pain with that and last summer had a total hip replacement..she's much better now so maybe eventually there may be some hope for you to have relief from your pain. I miss you and hope all is well with baby Bryon. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...you are a gem...with everything you've been going through the past year you give each one of "the girls" a shoulder to cry on and have been such a large part in helping me with the healing process...thank you..please give Mary a hug from me...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

Trish...whew the autopsy brings back many memories. Accidental is much better than reading it as intentional but still such a tragedy and so many questions left unanswered...there are so many things we all will never know for sure until our time comes...god bless you..hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it's so good to hear you're doing so well with the process. It's a painful road, and bumpy, but sometimes, we're given something sweet along the way. I'm happy for you. Sorry to hear about Peanut. Poor little guy. In a few days, the pain will fade, and he'll show off that booboo like a badge of honor. hehehe. Through all we've been through over the last year, I'm thankful we met, more that you've helped me along the way, to get me through some of my healing, and I guess it returned to you. Anytime, we're always here for you. Always. Treat yourself well, girl. You're one of a kind. luvz,hugz,me

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Oh my gosh am so sorry to hear about peanut poor baby..that must be painful for him..I feel so bad when a little kid gets a broken bone I remember when my Tina was little she fell in a big dryer at the laundry place and I knew she must have broken somethin and she was like maybe 2 and we found out she broke her leg in 3 places it was so aweful me and Roger cried like big babies back then but I am still a baby when I see a little one gets hurt..so I hope little peanut is feelin better soon..Byron is'nt feelin too good he's got a virus and is on antibotics now I hope it helps I sure don't want him in the hosp..he's been through too much already..I miss hearing from you and its so nice too hear from you again girlfriend give peanut a big kiss from me..

Mark, How is Mary doing? I am prayin for her and hope she is doing not any worse with the pain..I am still hurtin with this back pain soon I will see the doc and find out what is wrong with me..Byron is'nt feelin too good he has a virsu and has the runs alot poor baby was just gettin potty trained too and he was doing pretty good till this happened but thiers time for that..

Trish, I miss you and I am sorry I have'nt been able to write you back I see the doc the 16th..and I can't wait till I know exactly whats wrong with me..Byron is'nt feelin well so I am gonna make this short I promise you all I will write more soon..

Love you all,

Cindysue

[aprilsmom]

Mark, Cindy, Withani, Please go to loss of an adult child and read what I jsut posted. hhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeellllllllllppp me, I need advice. Oh Mark, when I was about to beat the crap out of this girl, I said to her, "go call, your dad". She went balistic like I knew she would, shouting, "my dad's a fucking New York City police officer, he'll......" I replied, "oh, please call him them, maybe her can talk to all the cops in Lancaster, who have known me and April all our lives". I really expect him to try to pull up some contacts and have me dragged in for questioning or something like that. I don't think bobby will like her much for turning in his mom-in-law, but I'll do anything to get her the hell out of California!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DeeAnn]

Renee/AprilsMom...

I replied to you on the other board you mentioned. What a TOUGH situation! You are in my thoughts and prayers in a very special way right now.

DeeAnn

[cindysue]

Renee, I just read the post..Wow I can't belive this is happening to you I am sooo sorry are you ok??? this girl is an evil witch..she is taken advantage of Bobby for all she can get she is using him and he can't even see it..what kind of a person is she? It just breaks my heart to hear this..I can't amagine what you are going through..I think I would have decked her for sure..Did April know this girl texted him? sounds like she's been after him a long time and he is not ready for this he is still in the grieving process..and he is confused sounds like she has brain washed him..I know your heart is broken..and I know you want your son-in-law to be happy but you are right e can't be happy with that..I think its way to soon for him to even consider getiin married again..I guess thiers not much more you can do but I sure hope he wakes up and realizes what kind of a woman she is before it is too late..I been wonderin about you and wondering how you been holding up does'nt sound like your doing good remember we are all here for you Renee and I know April is here with you too I will pray for you and pray they don't get married ...please let us know what happens are how your doing we do care..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, ohhhhhhhh, I'm sorry Byron is sick again. He's such a sweet little guy. He's doing well with getting the hang of being a big boy, talking and getting accustomed to that potty stuff. Please take care of yourself, hon, cuz we're worried about how much you hurt. We're hanging in there this week. The storm won't do us any favors this weekend, which they usually make us all hurt. But, I'm a tuff little Canadian, and I can handle a little snow. Outside of that, we're keeping it all together, just waiting for the next round of whatever.

luv ya both, big hugz, me

[aprilsmom]

You all help me so much; I know I don't always deserve it. You are true messangers of the Lord. Peace and Blessings today for each of you. I'm just trying to take care of myself today a little bit. Love, Renee

[withani]

Oh Renee...I am so sorry to hear of the run in with your son in law and the new girl on the scene....I wish there was something I could say or do to lessen the pain. Just know you're in our thoughts and prayers. Aprils in a wonderful wonderful place and will help you along with agony. God bless you...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...CindySue...Trish...have a peaceful weekend my dear friends...I know I'm not on here much the past few weeks but please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers...love and hugs CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, my prayers are with you. Take care of you, cuz Renee is a pretty cool person, and we all care about ya. I'm always here for you, my friend. luvz,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it's so good to hear from you. I pray and hope everything is going perfectly well for you. With everything that's been in your life lately, please remember to give yourself those special moments, so you can spoil yourself. You really deserve them. Have a sweet weekend, dear friend. Hope you also get a chance to spend some time with Peanut, and shower him with love after his booboos. Poor little guy. I pray he isn't hurting too much. hugz,luv,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, thanks for writing. My pharmacist didn't give me anything we didn't already know. But, he does know that that med is dangerous. I wish they would give my wife something else. Anyhow, go shopping or something, and pamper yourself a little this weekend. We're always here for you. luv,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I hope Byron is having a better day for behavior. I hope he isn't blaming the kitty for his sillies. I'm sorry you are hurting so much with your fibromyalgia. This is such a painful condition, and yet doctors seem to know so little about it. My prayers stay with you, girl. Always, I pray for you. luv ya both, with hugz, Me

[hurleyta]

Mark, CindySue and CindiSue Withani,

Today is James 3 month anniversary and it is a hard day, as so many are. I am exhausted and just want to lie in bed and cover up my head. I don't even feel like life is real right now. Guess that these months will continue to feel this way. Some times I feel like God put me here to suffer. I mean this. Whenever I find some happiness, he snatches it up from me... I don't believe that I am a horrible person and I know that I have a good heart, or at least I believe that I do. So, why do I always have to have these horrible things happen to me???? Why do I have to keep on suffering??? Why doesn't God want me to be happy? Why is it so important for me to feel this DEEP penetrating pain that I feel in my heart??? I wish, no I PRAY that he will just take me home where I can finally find the pain free life I really need.

Sorry for whining, I am just having one of those days.......

Trish

[hurleyta]

Mark,

Thank you for checking. I guess that I will just have to leave it in some attorney's hands and see what happens??? I just don't want this doctor to be able to go out and prescribe things to people that could end up with the same results that ended James life.

Thank you for checking.

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, there is so much emotional turmoil wrapped up in grieving. I make no pretense to know "why". Losing Jenni to such a creep, then her mom to suicide, filled with anguish over the adoption, Jenni's death, and heroin addiction. Now, I face that same question "why?" about my wife, when there are medical breakthroughs everywhere . . . except where "I" need. Maybe, God doesn't tell us "why" to protect us from the painful nature of the cosmos. All I know is, life is a cycle, and certain things are indiscriminate in how they happen, like those who are taken from us. For now, try to get the rest you need, and allow yourself a little "spoiling" so you may feel good about Trish. My prayers are with you. Mark

[hurleyta]

CindySue, CindiSue Withani, Mark and everyone else,

Happy Valentine's Day!!! A year ago today I was one of the happiest women alive. Today I feel sad and alone, even though I know that James would want me to remember the fun we had last year. I miss him so much today and wish that I could take flowers to give grave site. This is not a possibility, as James body is up north and with all of the snow they recently got, no one can get to his grave. I will just sit and meditate tonight and light a candle for my love to let him know that even though we can not physically be together, it won't stop me for celebrating with him.

I pray that each and every one of you has a peaceful day. I love you each and want only the best for you all.

Love and Hugs,

Trish

[cindysue]

Trish, I know exactly how you feel..me and Roger celebrated Valentines day since we were both 16 and now I feel so alone it just does'nt feel right..I remember our first valentine celebration as kids I thought wow I am in love course my parents thought yeah right in love at 16 I guess we proved all them wrong..this is my second valentines without Roger and I can't even say its any easier..I cried like you all day and felt so sad..and sweet little bYron looked at me and go;s what wrong Mama.then he go;s awwww..and he hugged me and then I thought I thank God everyday that I was givin this one last blessing from my love..I love all my kids but Byron keeps me going he makes me smile when I am sad..and depressed..so whenever I feel down he knows and he just wraps his little arms around me and he makes me feel like maybe I can feel happy just for him at least..but Trish I know its hard for you and I am so sorry I hate seein all of us hurt so bad me you Cindisue..and even Mark cause even though Mary is still here she really is'nt and I know Mark is suffrin also..without you and Cindisue and Mark I don't know how I would get through these days..wish me luck Thursday that is when I see the doctor..Mark I know I probably forgot you B-day so I hope you had a happy one and you Trish I know yours is commin up I pray for both of you to have a good day and a happy one I love you all so much..your the best friends I could ever hope for..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...Mark...Trish...Renee...I hope you all were able to find someway to enjoy today with the Valentine of your choice. Mine just happen to be my grandson "Peanut" and the children at school. I have a little boy with cerebal palsy in my class who I had a special moment with...while giving the children cupcakes and cookies at snack time he rolled under the table and right up to me for HIS cupcake. I put icing on my fingers so he could enjoy the taste like the other children. Although my thoughts ALWAYS run back to Gary...I found a reason to smile today and hope you all were able to find something today that made it okay. I love you all so much and thank God I can call you my friends. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm sorry the day had to hurt. These special days were so beautiful, but. . . I went to Canada today. I had to get out of the States. If you want to see James' grave and visit with him, fly up here, and I'll drive you there. I'm Canadian, so I'm supposed to like driving in snow. Take care of you for now, and keep a candle and a prayer. Rest your heart, my friend. My prayers are with you. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, okay, good luck on Thursday. I'm keeping prayers for you while you deal with the doctor. If there's anything I can do to help, please feel free to ask (even if you need someone to watch Byron for your appointment). For me, it's a dual purpose, so I can sneak over to see my grandson. Oooohhhh, I miss him. Try to keep yourself from worrying about me and my wife, sweet girl. We have to walk this path even though we'd give it all to change it, but no matter, God is with us every step. Remember, hon, God is with you too. I always pray for you and Byron. luv ya both, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it's a two way street, ya know. I'm so blessed to share this friendship with you. You've been so encouraging and helpful through all this. I pray for you, for hope and healing in your heart, and for a special blessing for always being a friend.

Sounds like you had a great day. My Valentine's Day started out a little blue, so I hit some old blues cds in the truck and went to Canada. It's soooooo pretty there right now (for me, it's always pretty there). Whether it's a trip home, or the smile of a child, our Valentines Day did turn out okay.

My prayers rest with you, friend. I always look forward to hearing from you.

hugz,luvz,me

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Mark, Trish...can't say my valentines was good was very depressing maybe I made it that way I don't know but I was like sick to my stomach all day ..I wanted to let you all know I was in the grocery store today well early this mornin I went to do my grocery shoppin well I got everything was ready to put it up but started feelin real dizzy and hot and next thing I knew I was out I passed out..but came to shortly I think I scared everyone including poor little Byron that was sitting in the cart..they wanted to call the rescue but I told them no I will be fine even though I was'nt ..they made me sit till I was'nt dizzy anymore..poor Byron was cryin he was so scared he kept sayin Mama sick..luckly I don't live far from store and drove home ok..my gosh what is wrong with me everytime I eat my tummy hurts so bad..do you think maybe its nerves or a virus..or maybe my Iron??? well I am seein the doctor tomorrow anyway so I guess I will find out then..I guess I am a nervous wreak..I can't stand being this way when Byron needs me..Please all of you bare with me I know I probably seem like a whiner and a complainer but I feel so sick all the time maybe its a deep depression maybe thats what is makin me sick..I wish I could feel good for one day and be able to play with Byron he needs me so much to be a good Mommy and I feel like I am failing him.. maybe after tomrrow I will feel better knowin what is wrong with me..well thanks all of you for thinkin of me..and Cindisue I am ohhh so happy you had a good valentine makes me feel so happy for you..I am happy for you too Mark that your Valentine was a little ok..thinkin of you all and lovin you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad you were able to make a trip to Canada listening to the blues...good for the soul...I pray you and Mary make the best of every moment and always look forward to your postings.

CindySue...hang in there girlfriend...Valentines Day is behind us all now and you have so many years ahead of you that you will smile once again.

Trish...god bless you...it's a long road we travel and pray you will find peace in someway even if just for a moment.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, how are you today? I pray you're well, and finding a little of the peace we're praying you get. Please remember to take care of yourself, by resting and eating well. And, do those little things to spoil yourself. We're all thinkin' of you and keeping a prayer for you. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, are you trying to worry me? You win. I'm worried. Somehow, it sounds like you may be facing a combination of stress and low iron. Please let the doctor know everything happening. And, of course, tell us what's going on. I'm sorry you passed out in the store. Now, is there anything we can do for you, or for Byron, to make things a little easier to deal with? He's a special, sweet and caring little boy. Yes, Cindy, you're a great mommy, and it shows all the time. I pray all children could have a mommy as loving and sweet as you. No, you're not whining. You hurt, and we're here to help you, to listen to you, just because we care about you and love you. You're a dear friend. Have a good night, and happy dreams. We'll talk tomorrow. luv ya both, with big hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, thank you for praying. We gain a lot of strength from everyone's prayers. Tonight is painful, having to face the music that she's now almost completely bedridden. I'll word it all well, and tell you about it later. For now, I'm going to hide with a guitar. I pray you have a good night's sleep, and a great day tomorrow with the children. May God bless you, for just being you, a caring friend. luv,hugz, me

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone, Just me I went to the doctors and he checked my back and neck and he said I had muscle spasms from my neck all the way to my right leg my whole back and leg is really severe with spasms he put me on some kind of muscle relaxer.and gave me a cortisone shot and a B12 shot he said I am pretty anemic and lost another 10 pounds so he said If I don't eat he is gonna stick me in hosp..he said I dehydrated a bit and he gave me somethin for that..I am gettin where its hard to eat anything without being sick..guess I need to force myself though I have to for Byron...I am hurtin just sittin here but I wanted you all too know..thanks for your concern all you friends on here make me feel like someone cares..

Love and Huggggs,

Cindy and Byron

[withani]

CindySue...I know I haven't been on here often recently but wanna let you know I worry about you sis!!! If you're having trouble eating try Ensure...anything to give you the nutrition you desperately need. Wish you lived closer so I could hope over there and check on you. Please take care...we love you and worry about you...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark....hiding away with your guitar is where great music is made...maybe a special song for Mary???? Don't forget to take care of yourself dear friend...you get a good nights sleep and pamper yourself!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[hurleyta]

Hi to All,

I am really doing alright, for now. I had a great uplifting experience yesterday. James and I got to talk for a while and he shared some important information with me. I am writing it all down, so I don't forget a bit of it. I love feeling him like this now... I never thought that I could still be with him, but I am... I just wish that I could understand this new way of living better. I guess that within time I will be able to...

Mark, thank you for thinking about me and praying for me. Those prayers have definately brought me some peace over the last few days... Please give Mary a hug from me. I pray for you both too.

CindySue, my sister and friend, I am glad that you finally went to see your doctor. Please take tender loving care of yourself. I worry about you and know that Byron really needs his mommy with him. Try to do something good for you over the weekend. Have your girls been to see you lately??? Maybe a visit would help? Or maybe you could go to visit them??? Just a thought. Just take care of yourself and get better soon...

CindiSue, my friend, it sounds like you are doing so much better. I am so glad that things are coming along for you. I am sorry to hear about Peanut. I hope he is doing better.....

Take care and love and hugs to you all,

Trish

[cindysue]

Cindisue,Mark,Trish, My dear sweet friends..thankyou so much for your kind words..I really apprciate them I am so lucky to have found all of you on here I love you all so much..

Cindisue, my sis my dear friend, thankyou so much for your concern means alot to me..I think I will have to go back on ensure my doctor also wants me too I can't afford to lose anymore weight..so I am gonna try really hard..I wish I could go on and be happy again..I want too but find it hard so so hard..just that Byron just learned how to say daddy now instead of Dada and I wish Roger could hear him say that..just so many things I wish he could see but I know he is probably already watchin..Byron does stuff like tickle his own feet..and I know Roger use to do that to him all the time..its wierd how little kids can know that..thanks Cindisue I hope peanut's little arm is healing ok and I wanted to say thankyou for always being here..love you girlfriend..

Mark, My sweet friend..thankyou to you also..I am on these pills I just hope they help I know one thing they do make me tired..but I feel like maybe these will do the trick and I can finally play with Baby Byron he is so sweet he's been helpin me up off the couch ..he thinks he does anyway he will stick out his hand tryin to help me up..he's such a sweetie..but still tries to find anything he can to get into..when he's real quite is when I worry then I know he is doing something..thanks Mark for your always offering to help me what a sweetheart you are..you have so much to deal with ..and always offering to help you don;t know how much that means to me ..I pray Mary is doing good and she is'nt havin to much pain..I always pray she is'nt and I hope you are gettin the rest you really need remember Mark I am always here for you to vent like you are for me...

Trish ,Sis..I am so happy that you and James are corresponding is he comming in your dreams??? or is it when your quite in the room?? either way I think that is so nice he loved you so much and he will always come to you specially when you need him the most..its hard being by yourself like you said a different way of living..I am not used to it..I am tryin but its not fun being alone..but least I have Byron and my girls..Angela lives 5 hours away so I don't get to see her very much and Tina comes over alot to do what she can to help but with her 5 kids I always hate to ask..but she says she don't mind..I just hate to ask for help..I am glad I went to the doctor also maybe these pills will help if I could walk I would feel so good but these muscle spasms are terrible they are in my neck and my whole back and my right leg so its hard if the muscles would simmer down I would feel better..Thanks Trish for all your prayers you are such a sweet friend..and I hope you have a great weekend..

Love and Hugs to you all,

Cindysue and Byron

[hurleyta]

Mark, CindySue and CindiSue Withani,

I really need your help and prayers. I got James Autopsy report today and I tell you it makes me so sick. James was NOT using Heroin, as everyone had thought, they found Morphine in his system. I have NO idea of where the Morphine came from. I never saw it or did he tell me that he was using it. There was .505 mg of Methadone, and .100 mg of Xanax and .498 mg of Morphine in his system. I am so confused now... I am just so sad and can't stop crying. I have so many questions now and I need for James to come and talk to me and explain it all to me. I know that he explained to me on 12/25-12-26, 2005 when he came to me and told me about why he died and now that the report is back, it makes more sense. I also know that he suffocated, as he had vomitted on it went into his lungs. I feel so sad to think that he was dying and I was in the next room, why couldn't I help him??? I never even heard him crying out for help. My friend, Tony, had told me the night James died, he tried to call out for me, but he couldn't because something was in his throat and he couldn't yell out. Now I KNOW for sure as what Tony told me, the autopsy also says... I just miss him so very much and just don't feel like this is life anymore. I want him back, I want to feel his arms around me again. I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he will make it all better for me. Why did this have to happen??? I know, I shouldn't be asking why, but it feels like I am reliving this whole nightmare all over again. I honestly believe that God sent me here to suffer for something that I must have done in my past. I also know that God is only suppose to give us as much as we can handle, but this is becoming too much for me to handle. I love James and just want to be with him...

I hope and pray that tomorrow is a better day, for today is a really painful one.

I pray that all of you find peace for the weekend.

Love and hugs,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, "hide in my music, forget the day". It's from More Than A Feelin' by Boston. I was never really much for writing love songs, but I like to play blues and jazz, which are sooooo emotional (like Chic Corea's Return to Forever album). I hide in the studio and play more when I'm upset, which has been this whole week. We hit some new issues with the dystrophy that are very upsetting. I'd give so much to have this different, but we're given this to face, so I'm trying to cope. When I get myself sorted out with the changes, I'll tell you about all of it - it's very entailed. I'm praying for you, that you can have a perfect weekend. Hope you can get a little extra rest for chasing all those little ones about the classroom. Have fun with Peanut. hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, we'll keep a prayer for you, so the meds work and you can keep up with Byron. He's an adorable little guy, even if he is a bit much to chase all day long. It's good to know the doctor is working with you on this stuff. Take real good care of yourself. Hope the weekend is fun for you both. We're having more issues with my wife's illness. It's just like a top 40 station, the hits keep coming. I'm a little tired and not sure how I feel about what's going on, but when I get settled about it, I'll let ya know what's up. Lately, I feel a little more reclusive, which means I'm trying to spend time thinking. She's also putting up the wall even higher, and distancing herself from me. Guess we have to expect this, as much as I hate the ________ disease. Sleep well, my dear friend. luv ya both, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm sorry you hurt so much tonight. This report sounds a little confusing, but also very distressing. I'm concerned that if you try to find hidden answers, you'll face a deeper emotional pain than you already have. Please try to get some rest. When we rest, our minds aren't working on issues, so we can think about what is most important. This happens through our dreams. My most sincere prayers are with you while you hurt and try to deal with this information. We're here to help you all we can. Take care of yourself, and remember that you're with friends here. hugz, me

[hurleyta]

Mark,

I am so sorry that you are going through your own pains and demons. This is all so hard on its own. I pray that you and Mary are able to get some peace through all of this. I guess that God believes we are all stronger than we know and feels that we can take what he is dishing out.. Some times I wonder "what did I sign up for before I got shipped off to here?" Scarey thought, ha??? But than again, I have met some wonderful people along this journey and made some wonderful friends. I wish that there was something that I could say to help you, just know that my prayers are with you and if you need to talk, I am here.

As for the autopsy report, when James came to me, earlier on, he had tried to prepare me for what I would read, it just hurts when it is right in your face. I am feeling better this am. I had a dream about James last night. I pretty much told him, before I went to bed, "you had better come to me tonight or else!!!" As if I have a choice!!! But he listened, as I am positive that he can feel my pain where he is. I also know that the "fog" I am feeling is my brains way of healing... On his Md's report, he states that James came to him for Morphine Addiction. Knowing this, why would this man prescribe him these other 2 meds??? This is my question for him... James can't give me the answers that I need, so I need to go to someone that can. It also states on the ME report that a "Therapeutic range of Methadone is: 0.010 - 1.10 mg/L Jams was prescribed 160mg.... This seems MUCH higher than the therapeutic range of Methadone??? I still say that if he wouldn't have gone to the MD, he would still be with me today??? Then again, have you ever seen the movie Final Destination??? Maybe not...

Well, I pray that you can find some peace this weekend. Please let Mary know that my prayers are with her...

Take care,

Love & Hugs,

Trish

[withani]

Trish...I'm so sorry I haven't responded sooner to your posting. Reading the autopsy report is very upsetting girlfriend. I tried to read so many things into Gary's...I think it's just human nature and the guilt of not being there when the take their final breath is almost unbearable. You WILL come to a place eventually where you can find some peace...even if just for a couple minutes. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I'm glad you're here!!! Hugs and Love...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...what a load you are carrying my friend. I'm glad you have your music...if just to forget the day and believe you should be commended for standing my your woman. Very cool. I hope you have a peaceful weekend...love and hugs CindiSue/Withani

CindySue...drink up girlfriend (the Ensure..lol)...I know these times are so difficult and you being sick sure doesn't help. I also know that Roger is with you 100% and I hope you can take some solace in that. I read somewhere that volunteering...or helping out people in need can really help during this process..maybe once you're feeling better of course...you could take a couple hours a week while Bryon is in school and volunteer or work somewhere??!!! Just a thought...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Trish, I am so sad about the news you just found out I am so sorry for your pain and knowing finally what happened sounds like his death was sinceless like it could have been prevented..I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better..but girlfriend, I guess it was not meant for you to be right with him when he was passing..thats what God's plan was ..no one knows why I guess just like I was posed to see Roger die right in front of me..sometimes I wish I did'nt see him leave me in that way and I did'nt see it but then I think again I am glad I had the opportunity to say goodbye even though I did'nt know he was dieing but he knew I was thier and was not alone..But Trish please don't blame yourself..James would'nt want you too he is commin through to you for a reason he does NOT want you to blame yourself..it was his time..the way he died bothers me though..its so confusing why the docs would give him that..but I know how you feel you blame yourself..heck I still blame myself and I was with him..it will take a very long time ..but eventually I am told the pain fades little by little I just don't feel it yet..I am prayin for you Trish..and I hope you find some peace this weekend..always here for you...

Cindisue, thankyou so much for your kind words..here I am back on ensure again I had to take that when I was pregnant with Byron and hated it cause through my whole pregnancy I only gained 7 pounds..and they was concerned he would'nt be big enough he was a little over 5 pounds..I hate ensure but I am gonna do what the doctors say..well thanks my sweet friend for always being here..

Mark, as always I am very concerned about you I hope your gettin some rest..I know all this is very stressful for you seein Mary suffer so much..I am so sorry your going through this with her she had suffered wayyy to long..and I can understand why she just want to go and I can understand why you would want this for her so you don't see your dear wife suffer anymore but only the Goood Lord knows when..I am hurtin right now but wanted to write all of you I feel so sad for all of pain..that we are going through some days are better then others..please know I am always here for you all..

Love and Hugs to You All,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[hurleyta]

Thanks guys/Girls,

I talked to James sister tonight and she too is hurting really bad. She lost her husband just 5 months before James died. She is as confused about the whole autopsy thing as I am... But at least we have our results and know for sure what happened to him. I know that you are right it is very hard to read what happened to them, and part of it I can't understand, but to know that he was warm when the ME came into the house makes me wonder what time he really did die??? The funeral director told me that our bodies get cold almost as soon as we die. Well, if James was still warm, was he still alive??? I know that isn't possible, but crazy things ran through my head. I know that James had to leave for a reason and that he is in a much better place, I just wish that I could be there too... I know that I will be in time. At least I have the peace of knowing that he will no longer have to suffer or feel the pain... He is a wonderful man and I will ALWAYS love him. He will always be in my heart. I think back and know that "it was much better to have loved and lost than to never have found love at all..." I would not take 1 day away that I spent with him, and was able to love him. I will always remember his smile and his laugh and the way that he loved me and showed me this goofy side of him... Plus this other side that when people Talk about James, never seem to have gotten to see... I also got to spend the rest of James life with him. These are all things that I will forever be thankful and greatful for being able to do...

I love you all,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, the therapeutic dose of methadone is far lower for rehabilitation than in pain control. Where you saw .0010 mg, we see 90 to 150 mgs a day for pain management. Either way, it's a powerful med, with possible dangerous side effects (I'm learning them and watching daily for things). Thank you for telling us that James visited you last night. This gives you comfort. Yes, you'll always love him (I've told others this, that even if you choose to love someone in the future, you still love him, and whoever you choose to love needs to allow this). Please try to rest this weekend, and I pray you feel peace and comfort. Thanks for praying for us, and thinking about my wife. It's been a long week, with a lot of downhill stuff. Honestly, I'm very scared, upset, even depressed. This is part of the rollercoaster we're on. I'm going to crash now, so I'll talk in the evening. Luv,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, the week was stressful and painful, but today was interesting. I had dinner with an old friend, who writes music. I got talked into recording something. Maybe I need to listen to myself, and you, and do something for me. My wife has been having more serious problems lately, pain, breathing impairment, and so on. It may be a part of the process, but I hate it. Someday, I may understand it all more, but tonight, I'm too fed up with all the suffering. Sorry to cry. Sorry to show my depression. This gets better, right? Have fun with Peanut, my friend. Hope you're weekend is great. luv, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, thanks for saying that in your special way. Lots of tears, prayers, and of course, my frustration over being helpless in an impossible situation. Someday, I'll understand, maybe. Please, take very good care of you. I get worried about you, and how well you feel. It's not easy being mommy, especially the wonderful mommy you are, when you hurt and Byron is at the age of running nonstop. Be patient with your own health, and let the meds help. I'm praying for you. luv ya both, with hugs, me

[hurleyta]

Mark,

Sounds like recording is just what you need to help get you over the hump right now. I wish that there was something that I could say or do to help you and Mary. I can't imagine the pain you must feel to see the woman you love going through. Mary is blessed to have you there for her. I know that James would have done the same for me. I know that God only gives us what we can handle, but when is it going to be enough??? I pray that peace will come to you and Mary both. When I was 19 years old I was with a man for 5 years. During that time his father got AIDS. He had a blood transfusion and it came from that. It was so hard to watch this big strong man suffer and then to pass away.... I know how hard it was on all of us. It changed the man I dated into someone that I didn't know and it hurts his sisters marriages and is mother so very much. I believe that things happen for a reason, but I sometimes wonder why innocent people have to hurt and be destroyed in ways that seem meant for others who are mean, horrible people??? I guess that in time it will all be revealed.

Take care and God bless you and Mary,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I'm not given the answer to "why". As for that "enough", my "enough" tank appears to be nearing the full line. Sorry, my friend, that I'm a little depressed tonight. Dealing with someone suffering from AIDS is heartbreaking. My uncle died in the same way as you saw back then. As he grew so weak and ill, I wondered how such a great man, who loves his family more than life, could go through this, while the wretches who put me through so much when I was a kid live healthy lives. We're not given "why", or told God's will. May I ask you, and please don't answer if this is upsetting, but I'm curious if a doctor was giving James morphine while he was on the methadone treamtent? For tonite, please rest well, and my prayers are for a perfect Monday for you. Take good care of yourself. May you have the peace you deserve and need. catch ya in the evening, Mark

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad a friend spoke to you about recording...I think it's an EXCELLENT idea!!! My friend you've counseled all of us here constantly and deal with the constant caretaking of your beloved wife Mary..please do something for YOURSELF!!!! I believe it will help you AND Mary!!! Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

CindySue...keep drinking girlfriend..lol...hope you had a good weekend with Bryon.

Trish...I hope you were able to get a moment or two of peace...I'm praying for you girlfriend. Keep in mind the road is long and everyone is different but it's taken me a year plus to feel anything...even then something hit you like Valentines Day and you fall apart. We're all here for you! Hugs and love..CindiSue/Withani