Young Widowhood

[hurleyta]

Mark,

Not to my knowledge was an MD giving James Morphine. But in the MD's report he states that James came to him for Morphine Withdrawl and Chronic Pain... This is the MD's words, not mine... It still just makes no sense. I knew that James was a Heroin addict, but what is with this Morphine thing is beyond me. I guess that James didn't want me to be mad at him. He was always afraid to have his heart broken. I love him no matter what, but I also know that he was hurt in the past and maybe he thought that if he told me he was having a new problem, I would not understand??? I just don't have the answers, but I am looking into seeing a Medium who might be able to help me. I have this urge to go to see one. I believe that James wants to talk to me and through the medium I can (hopefully) get the answers.... If not, than maybe later on, I do know that in time all will be revealed.

I am really tired tonight, but I will write more tomorrow. I have to tell you all about my birthday presents I received and how James helped to pick them out!!!

CindiSue Withani,

Thank you for thinking about me. I know that this is going to be a very long road to travel. I just pray that God will give me the strength to make it. I only ask for today, as I know that is all that any of us have. It is God's Plan, not ours...

Take care and God Bless you all,

Trish

PS... CindySue, how are you and Byron doing??? I miss you sis and hope and pray that you are both alright. I am here for you.... Peace and love to you both..

T.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, yeah, you're right. Spending the last year or so all worried about her, and not even trying to live my own life, well, it's taken a toll on my hands. Shredding that thing feels good, and in a day or so, my fingerbleed will heal. hehehe. However, my friend, I still want you to take very good care of yourself. Have a fun day tomorrow with the little ones. I know how much you enjoy your work. hugz,luvz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, do what you need to, what you believe is the right thing. I pray for you the peace you need and deserve. I'm sorry to dig like that . . . I was concerned that James had been given something so dangerous. Keep yourself well, and now that I've been talked into spoiling myself, please keep on doing those little specials just for you. It feels good to have a little "me" time, which in my life is music. We're still facing some very difficult days, which I pray resolve soon. She's a beautiful woman, the one who chose to love me. I keep praying God will free her from the pain, but I'm afraid of how the prayer will be answered. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. hugz, me

[hurleyta]

Believe me Mark, I can understand your prayer and the fear of how it might be answered. I used to pray that God would find a way to relieve James pain of addiction. Look what happened to me. I don't want to scare you, I just know how strong prayer can be. I also know that James loves me from where he is. I was talking to our friend tonight. She told me something, well really reassured me, James would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. But look at how his addiction left me so full of pain... Addiction is a very devious thing. I hate it and I am an addict, so I know what i am talking about. I know with all of my heart that with each tear I cry, James is crying too, telling me that he loves me and that he is sorry for hurting me. I also know in my heart that he loves me so much that he would NEVER intentionally hurt me, he didn't want to die, but God took that choice from him when he called him home. I do have a small comfort in knowing that James no longer suffers and no longer has the pain he used to have.

I pray that Mary's pain ends in a much happier way than James did. I am here for you should you need to talk/vent/scream/hollar/cry, you get the picture... Take care and go make some beautiful music!!!

Hugs and Love my friend,

Trish

[cindysue]

Trish, how you coping? I am doing as good as I can takin my meds..and putting ice and heat on my back and leg..it still hurts so much but I know I gotta move around..I been thinkin bout you and wishin that your James did not have to die like he did was so sinceless..makes me feel sad it would be different if he died of natural causes ..would still be hard but least maybe you could have dealt with it different..like Roger they said on his death certicate seizures and complications and heat failure and somethin else I can't remember..but I guess it was natural causes from all what he had wrong he was a diebetic so I think his disease got worse..but please know I am here for you girlfriend anytime..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, I am so sorry your going through a rough time still with Mary my heart aches for you both and makes me sad to know she has to endure this and your being so depressed..but please know we are all here for you my friend like you are for us..we love you and Mary very much...I will say an extra prayer for both of you tonight..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Trish...my heart goes out to you dear friend...I know what it like to love a man with addictions and wonder if I'll ever know the whole truth about everything. What's even more sad is it makes you wonder why they couldn't love themselves...very complicated grieving. If you see a medium I hope James comes through for you...when I went I was told that Gary was still healing but my mom (who passed in November) did come through and said she's "got" Gary which has been of great comfort to me. God will give you the strength to keep going and know you are loved....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...I am so happy that you are diving into your music...I know I've said that before but we both know it's therapy and spoiling yourself in this way will make you better for both you AND Mary (not to mention the children)

Give Mary a big ole' hug from me....you're right about the kids...they keep pulling me over hurdles.

Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...I'm sorry to hear of your pain dear friend...thanks for the email you sent. I loved it...dance like no ones watching...sing like no one's listening and love like you've never been hurt...words to live by. Give baby Bryon a kiss and hug from me...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue, girlfriend you always know what to say to make me feel better and your so smart and know how to say the right words to all of us to make us feel better..the advice you give us all is wonderful when you Mark, and Trish write back to me its makes me thank the good Lord of havin such great friends as you..I am so glad your mom calme through to you and that Gary is with her..I pray that Roger is at peace now and he is with his mom that just passed away last Oct..I believe she died of a broken heart Roger was her second child she lost and she never got over it..she died also of a heart attack..my poor father-in-law is so lonely he lost 2 sons his wife all he has left is his daughter..and shes a hard person to like..but I belive in my heart that Roger is happy now he was never scared to die..I always wish I had one more day with him but I should be really happy that I got to spend the last 30 years with him..28 of our married years..but I was thinkin this year we would have been married 30 years and together 32..but I am happy I got 28 wonderful years with him..I just wish I could get another min just to tell him I love him..but I tell him everynight when I go to sleep...the older Byron gets the more he looks like his daddy.. such a great reminder..well sis I am gonna lay down I am hurtin so bad..I been such a big baby cryin all day..just chasing Byron I cry..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, thank you, my dear friend. What you said means so very much to me, sitting here in my tears, this sorrow for what I will lose (I learned that we do grieve for a future loss), and all the fear inside me. You told addiction's nature perfectly. It is devious. The deception it used to hold me, the deception I used to hold it, worked hand in hand to destroy me back then. The fear I have that's almost as bad as losing my wife is falling back into addiction after she's gone. Enough of that. Hold this one thought closely in your heart, that even though James struggled with addiction, his heart was yours, filled only with love. He wrestled a demon in his soul while hugging an angel of a lady. Yes, he still loves you. My prayers rest with you, that today will be gentle and peaceful for you. Hope you can feel God's comfort for you. Thank you for being such a dear friend. luv ya, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, my priceless friend, thanks for the prayers. I guess the rollercoaster ride is going to drop me into one of those dark places (I hate them). It's in the darkest places we can only feel our sorrow, while there is nothing to see. I keep many prayers for you, and for Byron. He's an adorable little guy. For today, take each moment with grace, so you can make the best of them. I hope you can look back on these moments with a smile, knowing you are succeeding one moment at a time. Now, I'm going to try a little sleep. It's way past "bedtime", which has become 5am for me. Thank you for all you have done for me, for us, recently. You have a loving heart my friend. luv ya both, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, there's something about children that make us smile through all the bleak and sorrowful times. Even though my youngest is a teenager, and the oldest ones are adults, I'm so blessed by my children. They keep me going. Rest your dear heart in knowing that Gary is always near you, and always madly in love with you. I'll keep a prayer for you for the comfort and peace you deserve and need. Thank you for sending a hug to my wife. I'll give it to her when she wakes in a little while. luvz, hugz, Me

[hurleyta]

Mark,

You made me cry, not sad tears, but happy memory ones. I love how you described James addiction and his love for me. I will always remember that... I too thought how easy it would be to slip back into that demon and believe me, he was knocking at my door, to the tune of I went to purchase, but ended up walking away empty handed... I know that it was James love that pulled me for that situation. I think that if I would have relapsed, he would have felt such guilt and pain from it. I know that he was hurting so much from him mistakes that I didn't want to be the cause of more pain for him. Hey when did I grow up??? I tell you...

You take care and know that if and when the time comes we are all here for you to help you make your way... It is good to have such caring friends and I feel so blessed to have met you.

Love and lots of hugs to you and Mary,

Trish

[hurleyta]

CindiSue Withani,

I just have the overwhelming feeling that I need to go to see a medium. I am sure that James is going through a process as well... I also feel bad that he is pulled in so many directions, as his family is grieving, as well as I am and his friends/extended family. I get visits from him, often. I journal and keep track of the important things that he is telling me. It is helping me to move forward so I don't stay where I was the day he died. Don't get me wrong, I will never get over James, as a matter of fact I had my best friend tell me the other day ( she is very spiritual and know's things ) she believes that I had my chance at true love with James, and that James is my soul mate and I will never find love again. Not that I won't try to meet someone down the road, but James was it for me and true love. I believe her. She and James used to share a gift of the spiritual kind. After James died, Jeanna was the first one he contacted and came through to... He told her to watch over me and to make sure that I was alright. He also sent me some gifts that I would know for sure it was him... I will always remember this and know that even though he is not in the physical world, he will always be with me via the spiritual realm...

OK, so I went off rambling, but I just had something come over me. How are you doing???? Is Peanut all healed???? I am praying that you are finding the peace that you so deserve, that we all deserve. It is not easy this grieving thing and it hits you at the worst times ( as if there would ever be a good time ) but I also know that it is a part of life and that James would not want me to sit down and stop living. I know that he wants me to be all that I can here so that when we are together again, I can tell him stories of all that has happened, I know he will already know, but you get the picture!!!

Take care my friend,

Love and Hugs,

Trish

[withani]

Trish....boy...to just have one more minute with our loved ones I know I'd grab Gary like there was no tommorrow!!! If your heart is telling you to see a medium...do it! I'm glad you're journaling...I've done it for this past several months and do believe it helps TREMENDOUSLY. I think we know we'll never love like "that" again but I'm sure James wants you to continue to be the BEST you can be as a tribute to him. The fact that you were able to love him so deeply is most definitely an honor. Take care my dear friend...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...wow...you ALWAYS know the right words to say..just reading that Gary loves you madly sent a chill up my spine. Thank you so much for the gift of friendship...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...I'm sure Roger is with his mom and that they are whole and wonderful. The medium told me on the other side you are able to do all the things you wanted here but never had the time and that music is like prayer..it magnifies your vibration. I said it before and I'll say it again...Roger was very lucky to have you with him for 30 years and he will always be watching over you my dear friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark, CindySue, Trish...P.S. I forgot to mention that Peanut's arm is healing pretty well...first cast started falling apart so they patched that one and put a new one on this week. Peanut spent the night last night and when I was getting dressed for work was standing in my doorway with a big ole' smile dimples and big as you please with a hi nana...special moments like this is what keeps us all going....love you!!!!!!!!!

[cindysue]

Cindisue, you know when you said the medium says when we pass we are able to do all the things up thier that we did down here you know what I was thinkin???? well I'll bet Roger and Gary are havin thier KFC meal and Rogeris probably showin off his boat to Gary..crazy huh? but thats what I thought of cause I remember awhile back you was tellin me that Gary just loved his KFC and that was Roger's last meal an hour before he died..such sweet thoughts but I believe thier is a reason we all meant on here me you Mark and Trish we were all brought together to give each othet comfort and love and support..love u so much sis and I am so thrilled that Peanut is doing great with his little arm,,bless his heart I hate to hear that happen to that sweet little angel..but I'll bet you was thrilled to have him spend the night he sounds like such a sweetie I love them at that age so innocent and sweet..I'll bet he is gettin big..so cute how he says nana..Byron calls my mom meme ..lol..don't aske me why but thats the name he picked out..he is so sweet and tries so hard to talk he does repeat everything I say but sometimes its not real clear and its kinda funny I love baby talk..he says a little bit of sentences but its hard for him cause he can't hear out of one ear..which makes it hard..they are thinkin of puttin an hearin aid in thier..I feel so sad that he has to be so sick sometimes with his heart condition and he needs physical therpy really bad he still has trouble running he falls when he does which upsets him..and he still tires out so easy with his heart condition sometimes I cry and blame myself...but I will do whatever it takes to make him feel special cause he is special..he;s my life besides my girls..and I know Roger is watchin him keepin him safe..but I do get scared so much that someday I will wake up and he will be gone too..every since the heart doctor told me that baby Byron could have a stroke or his little heart could stop if he gets overly excited I worry but when he gets his surgery he should be better but they have to wait till he is 70 percent closed his valve and he is 65..so its a matter of time..but anyways I gotta run..thinkin of you always my sweet friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Mark, you better get more sleep going to bed at 5am can't be good for you I worry about you so so much..you don't know how many lives you have touched on here we all love and care about you and Mary very much you are part of our family and we don't want you gettin sick either...as for me I am doing ok still in alot of pain but I'll live with it I have no choise then try to stand it I gotta be tougher for Byron he deserves a mommy that can pay with him so I am tryin really hard to get through this...I know your havin such a hard time with Mary's illness and it has taken a toll on you and you wonder when it will get better..I guess no one knows but when the time comes you will be strong we will all be here for you anytime you need us..my heart really go;s out to you...remember to lean on us when you need too...

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Trish, I wrote you on your email too I sure hope you get it I hope your day is going good and your doing ok stay strong my sweet friend I am always here for you...now I bettter run Byron is laughin and he's tryin to feed the kitty his pudding..lol..and he's givin that poor cat his juice too..what a cutie times like this I wish I had my camera near by..talk to you later..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, the fear of going back to the demon made me do something for courage and peace of mind. I set up inpatient treatment back home, so if anything happens, my children only need to haul my sorrow butt back to Canada and toss me in the treatment center. Even now, before I'm truly widowed, I feel some of the feelings you wrote about. While it's true that we may not find "that" love again, please be patient with the powers that heal you. You are a charming, caring, beautiful woman, and a true gentleman would find loving you a gift from Heaven. I wasn't thinking too much about such things a few months ago, but now I wonder if loving someone without "that" love will still be fantastic. Let the healing continue, even though you may feel so very lonely at times. Healing is a process, slowly tranforming your sorrow and pain into joy and hope. It's a process, so it will be a while before you start to think your heart is ready to think of love again. I really hope this all came out the right way, cuz I'll be so sorry if it upsets you.

As for us, it's another day of our baggage, dealing with what looks like a gradual increase in pain for her, and her meds are no longer controlling it. For a little good news, my daughter is having much less pain from her illness, which makes the daddy very happy.

Take care of yourself, and please get the rest you need (don't be like me??? hehehe). Take a little time each day for you, just you, to relax and nurture yourself. Our prayers are always with you. luvz,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, as we work through the process of healing, thinking of love is natural. We may not have "that" love again, but I am sure the differences will be fantastic. My wife gets me thinking of it, talking about it, almost like she has an unterior motive. Whatever about that, I now find that I must think of my own future without her. There is no love like this one, with its good and bad. My prayer is, if I should love again, that I will be able to cherish that love as I do this one.

I'm so happy to hear Peanut is healing so well. I keep lots of prayers for the little guy. (I wonder if you ever noticed how your writing changes when you talk about him. it's a literary way in which you "light up the room").

Please be sure to nurture you, giving yourself those little special things, even a few minutes of rest, so you can make yourself feel good. I'm praying for you always.

luvz,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, what can I say? Okay, I'll get a little more rest. I stay awake at night so my boys can sleep, and I take care of my wife. When someone is finally stirring about the house, I toddle off to bed. I usually don't sleep more than four or five hours, unless I use a sleeping pill. I'm feeling far too much stress for sleep.

Did the kitty actually eat any of Byron's pudding? It does have milk in it, so I'm curious. hehehe. We all pray so much for him, for his heart, and how well he's going to feel after surgery. When he's ready for surgery, we'll be there for you if you want, so you have shoulders to lean and cry on.

Take care of yourself, girl. I get worried about you, trying to chase Byron while you hurt so much. You only need to ask if you need something, and we'll do all we can for you. luv ya both, with hugs, me

[cindysue]

Mark, I am up it after 4am I had to take a pain pill and check somethin and thought I would write you back before I head back to bed,..actually the cat loved the pudding poor kitty had a dirty face just like Byron with all that pudding byron was laughin and kissin the kitty ...and after I seen what he was doing I go Byron put kitty down I am gonna run the bath and give u a bath he go;s ok mama..so while I was gettin the bath water ready I went to get somethin and when I came back in the bathroom Byron put the kitty in the tub..and was actaully puttin shampoo on the kitty and the strange thing kitty did'nt even try to get away...Byron kept laughin..I said noooo sweeetie thats for you..he is so cute and thinks he is doing a big boy thing...I swear I don't think my life would be so complete without my little angel...you can tell how much I love him to pieces...Mark I am so afraid of losing him I am makin myself crazy if somethin should happen to Byron I will take my life too cause thier is no way I ever could stand to live without my baby...I love my girls to death but they have husbands and kids but Byron needs me and I don't wanna be a failure with him and I hope I am not...I never seen such a loving child as him he just hugs me all the time and say I wuv you mama..and that just melts my heart...I pray everyday the God will answer my prayers that will be pain free of my back and leg so I can play with my child and do somethin useful..but somedays I cry cause it hurts so bad..its hard when you have someone to take care of that needs you..so I gotta think of him and belive me I am tryin..please give Mary my best..and believe me when she passes and time go;s by you will find love again..may not be the same but it will be special also..I have to belive that for myself..that someday someone will love me and Byron..till then I make the most of my depression..I miss Roger so much..but all the missing will never bring him back so I need to go forward..but my heart will always hold a special place for him..well my sweet friend I am gonna head back to bed hope your sleeping..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[withani]

I'm off work today...sick with a virus/flu so I just wanted to pop in for a moment to say:

CindySue...I smiled when I read your comment about Roger and Gary eating KFC in Roger's boat it's such a wonderful thought and they are in a very beautiful place and one thing I'm certain is that love goes on. I thank God everyday that I have met such good friends on this site...it's here that I know the people I'm talking to totally understand. I feel it in my bones sis that Bryon will be just fine...just a matter of time...I see miracles everyday at work. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...me light up when I speak of my grandson???!!! lol He is a gem. Trying to think of a future without Mary I know is mind boggling...as you know it's been over a year for me and although I've been dating I keep waiting for Gary to come back...how strange. I'm confident there will be love in all our futures...eventually...and you're right about it won't be that love but a different one with it's own specialness. That's why just getting out there is so important when we all would rather just pull the covers over our heads and wait for our time to be done here. Here's to looking forward...to something

Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[hurleyta]

CindiSue Withani,

I sure do hope that you are feeling better. I just got word that a family friend thought that she had the flu. Well, of course like most of us, she didn't go to see a doctor and now she is in a coma... She had a bacterial infection that has now spread through to her brain. I am praying for her and that the coma is a good sign that her brain has shut down to heal itself. I do know that it does these things for a good reason. Not that I am trying to scare you Cindi, I just want you to get better real soon!!!

Get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids!!

Love and hugs,

Trish

[hurleyta]

Mark,

I totally understand what you are saying about the "love" topic... I did not take it in any way as bad. You are right, I feel, at least right now, that I am no where even close to be ready to allow a man to get close to me. As a matter of fact, a man that I work with called me at home the other night. He knew James, as everyone that I worked with knew him. Any way, he called me at home and started off asking me some questions about our boss. Apparently something happened at work and he felt he needed advise on how to deal with it. I have been there for nearly 2 years and I do both Customer Service as well as some bookkeeping, so I am very close to my bosses. Not to mention that James and I used to socialize with them in our free time... Any way, at the end of our conversation, he asked me if I wanted to go to get something to eat with him some time. I nicely told him that we could go to eat, but that at this time, I was NOT looking for any kind of relationship. He told me that he totally understands, just thought that I would like to go out and talk some time. He too is a recovering addict and when he is having bad days, he will come into the office and talk to me... Since he called me at home, he has been acting differently towards me. I just ignore it, as I figure that I said how I felt and didn't try to be someone that I am not... I hope that he understands, but if he doesn't, that is his problem...

How many children do you have Mark??? I knew about Jennifer, but how many others??? You must be so happy that your daughter is feeling less pain. I know that my parents are always happy when we feel good....

Well, have a good night and hopefully you will get some peace this weekend. I am here for you so don't talk all you want!!!

XOXOXO

Love and Hugs for you both,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, the one thing you will never, absolutely NEVER be, is a failure to Byron. You are such a loving and caring mommy, he's only getting the best in life. I understand your fear, so I keep praying for you both. When his day comes for surgery, you need only ask, and we'll do everything to be there with you. Please try to keep from worrying too much. If you need to cry, you may always cry on my shoulder. Why am I not surprised about the kitty and the shampoo? hehehe. He's a priceless little treasure. I can just imagine the adorable mess those two looked like covered in pudding. Take care of yourself, hon. We're always here, whenever, to help you all we can. If you need, you know how to reach me, anytime of day or night. luv ya both, with hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, you're wise to keep yourself from that "work" situation. I won't get started on how much it can hurt later. Just be you. You had to ask the "kids" question, didn't you? I'm only teasing. Six. My wife and I love children, although we can hardly call them "children" now. Our youngest is a teenager, the oldest is 31. The best part of having them grown up is we start all over (in a way) with grandchildren. We've had to deal with the newest round with the doctor. She's afraid my wife is getting so much worse that she's no longer able to care for her. This is a serious issue. The bottom line is, we may need to consider long term inpatient care. Even with an aid and nursing in home, we are still rotating schedules so my wife has twenty four hour care. Doctors, nurses, and other professionals are asking me when I'm going to wake up to the reality. They keep telling me I can't keep doing this. Yes, I'm exhausted, but she's my (MY) wife. I'll give you more, but for now, I'm falling asleep, so I guess it's nap time. luv ya, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, please take care of yourself with that flu. I'd make you some chicken soup, but my cooking is soooooo lousy, you'd get sicker (what do they mean, ya take the feathers off the chicken?). Okay, enough of that. We got smacked with her illness getting so much worse within thirty days, the doctor is again nagging me about a nursing home (I'm not at all ready for that step). We're caring for her around the clock now - she's awake at all hours, screaming and crying in pain. There's a little something that reminds me of what your mom's SO did, and that is not like me at all. But, there is something about this, after five years since her diagnosis, that is so completely exhausting, almost hitting the despair button. I'd never think of abandoning her, for any reason. But we know how this will end, and I've finally reached the place of thinking it would be better for her to be freed from the pain than stay here and suffer. I pray she isn't holding on for me. Please, have a good weekend, and get all the rest you can, so you can fight off the bug. I'm praying for you. luvz, hugz, me

[hurleyta]

Mark,

Yep, that's me always asking questions that shouldn't be asked!!! Just kidding, but you must have been very busy when you were younger!!! I just wish that I could have had just one child with James, but it wasn't to be... I will never have a child of my own, which makes me sad, so I try not to think about it. I have had a rough 40 years, so I pray that the next few are a little bit kinder to me... Of course it is all what I make of it, right????

How was your weekend??? Did you make some good music??? I tried to have a relaxing weekend, but my parents make that hard. They are pushing me to get out and do something. I end up in arguments with them. I just want to be left alone... I want to do things in my time, and will not do it in anyone elses. This I am SURE of...

Other than that, i am at work, so I had better get going. I hope that Mary is not in much pain today. I will keep you both in my prayers.

XOXO

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Trish, You may ask me any question out there, but some I may choose to leave unanswered. Ooooo, I'm such a smartmouth. hehehe. I had a rather tense, but quiet weekend. Friday was rough, hearing more bad from the doctor. Yesterday, I slept until after noon. Yes, I spent a little time messing with the tunes, which was sooooooo relaxing. I'd never want you to be upset, for whatever reason. I'm deeply sorry that you were given the challenge of having no children. From how you treat James' children, I know most certainly you'd be a perfect, loving, devoted mommy. You know of my two from when I was too young to be a good dad. We have two together (who lived), and we adopted a couple more. We also lost 13 to miscarriages. I believe they are in Heaven, waiting for us. Our lives have travelled through so many deep sorrows and losses. These things have taught us faith and patience in God. I'll keep a prayer for you that your parents don't overload you. Rest yourself, my dear friend, and know that you are doing this the right way. There is only one way to get through grief, your own way. Only you can call the shots. I hope you can keep your patience with your parents. They say these things out of a precious love for you. You know parents. Today was rough here, but not really much more than other days. Thank you for caring, and asking, and being a friend. luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, Thank you for always being patient with my moments of insanity, and the feelings that overwhelm my heart at times. We had a pretty bad weekend here, but managed getting through it (somehow). I hope and pray you had the perfect weekend, and got some rest too. Now you get to have fun with the younger ones all week, and I pray they all have a good week with you. I know with you there, they're in the best care, with a dear lady who cares very much for them. You're one of a kind. hugs, luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, I hope you're okay today. With the weather changing, I'm sure you've had more pain, but I do pray it's well within your ability to tolerate it. Is Byron doing okay? Oh, I sure hope so. He's such a great child. Somehow, I imagine him getting into far more than you say somedays. hehehe. This is the way of little boys. Oh, the things I could tell you of my childhood, when I was an "innocent little angel". (riiiiiight). We went through some tough stuff since Friday, but God got us through it all. Now, I'm going to go watch Paul MacCartney on the telly. Please have a beautiful evening, my friend. My prayers are with you. luvz and hugz for you both, Me

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Mark, Trish..How are all my wonderful friends?? I am doing as good as I can be..I still hurt so much your right Mark the weather change makes it worse..I hurt so bad in my upper back..anf your right again Byron gets into so so much today he got into lipstick..and ahd lipstick all over his mouth and eyeshawdow all over his eyes..man I swear I am running most of the day..I am thinkin bout hiring someone to clean my house weekly I am gettin so I can't do it no more I hurt too bad..it needs a good cleaning I like my house spotless but with Byron thats impossible I try though but its a losing battle..I am so depressed which I heard makes fibermylegia worse so I need to get happier..but I don't know how to anymore..my dreams of Roger have been more and more..man its been 19 monthes now that he's been gone but I don't feel any better or miss him any less..now I am gettin so I realize I will never see him again which makes me sad so many things I wish I could tell him about Byron to have him see him grow up and see his son grow up..Trish my heart feel for you so much I wish that you could have at least had one child in your life with James but I know the Good Lord always has his reasons why some of children and some don't and alot that do have kids certainly don't deserve them specially the ones that abuse the kids...but you may have stepchildren someday that will love you and you will love them as if you gave birth to them I know you love James kids ...they are more or less your kids too...Mark, I am so sorry Mary is still going through such a tough time its hard to see someone you love suffer so much it takes so much straighth not to break down I am sure..your a good husband to your wife...just enjoy the reamaining monthes you have with your sweetie as much as you can and just pray everyday that God will do whats best for her..my prayers are always with you my friend...Cindisue I hope your doing good and feelin better the flu takes alot out of you and makes you feel yucky but I am thinking bout you girlfriend..well I am off now to check on Byron..I am thinkin bout you all..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone me again...I had got some scarey news the sherrif's dept called me this evening and wanted me to come down to talk to me and when I got thier the police showed me about 20 pics of me that some guy has taken me gettin out of my car and me in my car and me walking..and the police called to tell me that this guy has dozens of pics of different women he has taken pics of..and following..they told me his name and asked me if I knew him and I told them no..what I found out he's been takin pics of alot of girls so I guess this guy is in big trouble but the police want me to keep my doors locked cause this guy knows where we all live he must be some kind of pervert..I am so scared now to know someone was taking pictures of my every move..and watchin me going in the store..and everything..I am sorry I just took a nerve pill cause I am a wreak..I don't need this ..why am I shaking I am so scared he is watchin me now..well I am sorry I had to vent to get this out cause I am so scared..well I am gonna lay down and try to calm down..the police warned all of us to be careful..well I am..gone for now..love u all

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...be VERY VERY CAREFUL GIRLFRIEND...I read your posting and it makes me nervous for you..please take extra precautions!!!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...your words are always uplifting and kind...thank you. I hope you and Mary are able to have some peace this week and please no that you are cared for so much by all of us here...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

Trish...big hug...I hope you can find a moment of happiness this week...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Hello everyone! I've missed you all but have wrapped myself in busyness so that I stay out of trouble! hmm, I spent about $12,000 in the last two weeks staying away from "the situation", ouch, but my house looks pretty good with new paint, shutters, and carpet. I just found out at work that I might be going to Yorktown Heights in NY for a seminar on gait training for tiny children who don't walk due to cerebral palsy. I'm very excited, not only about the work, because I use gait trainors at work, but because I've never been to NY!. MARK, they told me to fly in to Laguardia or Newark and drive, is that correct? How long of a drive is it to your place in case I can extend my trip a few days. What a wonderful think it would be if I could meet you and Mary! Let me know. Also, is NYC far from Yorktown Heights, timewise? And wouldn't you know that poughkeepsie is just an inch away on the map? Gee, better not go THAT direction; I can't spend any more money keeping me out of trouble:) love you guys/gals.

Cindy: do you have an alarm system, even a sign that "says" you do? Get one, borrow one, whatever- it may force him to keep his distance!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, my most serious advice to you. Stay OUT of Newark! I can't tell you how much I mean that. Go to LaGuardia, and follow 11 Thessalonians 5:17 when you're in a cab (pray without ceasing). When ya going? I'm about two hours out of the Apple, so if you have time and would like, I'd be willing to buy ya lunch. Newark is a very rough town, so avoid it. NYC can eat you alive if you look like you're from the sticks, or from anywhere not NYC. Fashion tip; dress down. Keep your money and credit cards in separate places on you (shoes, a purse and a separate wallet pinned into your pocket, you know the routine). You'll have fun in the city, so relax (but keep your eyes open). I do the city in my wheelchair all the time, and I haven't yet had trouble. Or, is that saying the thugs take pity on an old crippled geezer. On to the happy things. I bet your home looks fabulous! Repeat this mantra - it's only money. it's only money. hehehe. I'm such a brat. I'm praying for you. Enjoy the Apple. luvs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, the kindness is getting me a little emotional tonight. This afternoon is a meeting with nurses, and I think it means they want to push the nursing home issue. Her health is very poor, and the pain and other issues are worsening. I'm exhausted caring for her. Yesterday, she accidentally came close to starting a fire in the kitchen. I was asleep at the moment. This tells me she can't be left alone for a minute anymore. I'll let you know how this plays out. I'm soooooooo happy for you, with your new social calendar. It's tough to begin this step after our loss, but you'll do well. Just be you, which is a pretty fantastic person to be. luvz,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, uh, yeah, sweetie, you need an alarm, a pitbull on crack, something. We're heading into a new chapter, cuz she's getting so much worse. This afternoon I'm in a meeting with nursing, and I think it's cuz they want me to put her in a nursing home. While this has me scared, it's nothing compared to the fear I have about this situation you're facing. Please, be very careful. Don't go shopping alone, unless it's absolutely the only way to manage it. Ask Tina to help. If you need, I may have more free time soon, so I'd be willing to stand guard in your driveway. Don't act like a victim, okay. Go on the offensive, which can be scary for a creep. They usually don't want to hassle with someone who can protect herself. You have my number if you need help. Take care of messy boy. hehehe. Lipstick again? He's a riot! Before you privately hire help for cleaning, ask your doctor if you can have a health aid in your home. You can get help with your own care, like a back massage, laundry, cleaning, and those little miseries you can't do right now. Take care of yourself, please. I worry about ya. I'll write to let you know how this meeting goes. luv ya both, with hugz, Me

[DeeAnn]

I'm normally a voyuer at this board rather than a participant, but there were some things mentioned in your recent posts that made me want to respond.

Cindysue....I would be scared too if I were you your situation. I'm just glad the police know about it and are now watching for him. Please do take special precautions to ensure your safety until he is in the custody of authorities. Is there anyone that might could stay with you for awhile until they get this guy? Or maybe you could clean guns on your front porch and do some target practice in your backyard--anything so he could see you're stepping up to the bat about this. I would imagine this guy's a coward way deep inside. I like the idea of putting signs up indicating you have an alarm system and maybe also a "beware of dog" sign. I would imagine there's nothing that any of us can say to take away your fear, but do please know we care and are concerned. You know this is a safe place for you to "vent" anytime you need to. Please please take good care of yourself!

Aprilsmom....You go girl! *smile* I hope you enjoy all the redecorating you've done. Sounds like fun. I also hope you have fun when you visit NY!

Alwaysmyjennifer....You dear man **hugs** I can relate to your role as caregiver because I also provided Eddie's care during our 10-month battle with cancer that led to his death on 2.22.98. I understand the demands, the frustrations, the joys, the heartaches, and the rewards that go along with caretaking. It's an exhausting task at times. I can only imagine the difficulty you're having with the decisions that are facing you.

All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers as we all continue our journey of life. It's nice to know there are others who understand and care.

DeeAnn

[cindysue]

Cindisue,Mark,Renee,Deeann..thankyou all so much for your concern it means alot to me to know I have you all as such good friends I am not only scared for me I am scared for baby Byron also..you all had such good advice..I need to do something now I am even scared to get in my car or go out my door what if he is watchin me..or breaks in before I get an alarm and hurts me or my baby...I wish Roger was alive..I am a nervous wreak..I been takin pills like crazy to calm myself down..why was he takin pics what was his purpose?? thats what the scarey thought is..luckly the police knew one of them was me but he wanted me to see for sure when he looked at the pics..I just could'nt belive he took so many..without my knowledge am I that stupid that I could see someone takin pics of me I guess I was'nt payin attention..the were really close up pics too..he must have had a special camera..now I been keepin myself locked up afraid to even get my mail or leave the house..every noise I hear I shake..maybe I am being stupid..but I am so scared of him breakin in...I am so glad to have so many wonderful friends on here that care you are all so special and I pray for all of you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue....Mark and Renee have given excellent advice as usual about the alarm system (even if just a sticker)...also I liked Mark's comment about NOT BEING A VICTIM don't let this guy think you're afraid!!!!!!!! This has to be a #1 priority for your safety. If there's anyway you can get a family member or friend to stay with you or even leave for awhile to stay possibly with your daughter take action as soon as you can girlfriend!!!!! We love you and need you to fight!!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

Mark...if a nursing home is what is decided please remember that you have gone the long haul with Mary and have done everything humanly possible to keep her home...I know the two of you lovebirds want to be together but you can visit everyday...I know you'll keep an open mind to what's best...we love you!!!! Hugs and Love...CindiSue/Withani

Renee....so good to see you on the site again...I'm glad you have many things in your life that you're excited about...you are one great lady!!!! Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Okay, gang, this is for you all. The worst day I've ever lived through. She's in hospital, and they are going to evaluate her over the weekend as to the extent of the damage from the dystrophy. Tomorrow, I meet with a bunch of social workers to begin the process of long term care. If they choose to let her come home next week, I'll be completely amazed, and it will take skilled nursing in home. Do we have words for this moment? If so, I guess they're all of the four lettered kind. Thank you all for everything you do, say, pray, and mean to us. You are each one of the most beautiful people in history.

Cindy, don't be afraid. Call in the morning and get the alarm. The question bugging me is, how do the police know about the photos? Is a cop lurking in the shadows, or some idiot they know about? Don't let them know you're afraid, hon. Even if you carry, don't let them see fear. This is the main objective of terrorists and creeps. If they scare you, they win. Sick world, I know. Get someone to stay with you for a while, and this will help your nerves. Take care, and keep me posted on things.

luv y'all, hugs, me

[hurleyta]

Hi Everyone,

I am so sorry Mark, I pray that Mary is in peace... I can't imagine the emotions that you are going through right now. I am here for you both.

CindySue,

What is going on Sis??? I can't imagine having this stalker after everything that you have been dealing with. Just be VERY careful and always make sure that you lock your doors. If you can, don't go out alone.... I went through a similar situation, although the police didn't warn me. How do they know about the photos and why is this man not in jail??? There are stalking laws!!! I know that restraining orders are not always any good, but GET ONE none the less. Just be careful sis, I am very concerned about you.

CindiSue Withani,

Thank you for your words and thinking about me. I don't have time this week to read through all of the posts, a friend of mine is here from Wisconsin and we are vacationing in Orlando.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I will write much more next week when I am back.

Take care and Love and hugs to all,

Trish

[cindysue]

Everyone, I am cryin while talkin about this the reason why I am so frightened and scared and nervous is 2 years ago I had a stalker followin me and he broke in our house and raped and beat me sinceless I suffered 3 fractured ribs and a brusied face..I blamed myself when that happened..Byron was just a small baby and this guy did this in front of Byron..Roger was gone at the time he left an hour or so before the attack happened he went on the road the hoso..called and he rushed home but while on his way home he got in a car accident..and fractured his arm..but he was such in a hurry to see me..that he was a wreak...he cried for a long time and stayed with me for weeks and we did at that time get a alarm sytem and I felt safer but just last year we had a fire and we had our house remodeled and never put it back in...so when I found out another stalker is after me I am so so afraid and I am shaking all the time..I have no idea how they got the pics they never told me..they just asked me if I knew the guy and asked if I would appear in court..I don't wanna go to court I am to scared..I have to have one of my girls stay with me I can't handle this no more..or I will be in the hosp for stress...or overdose on nerve pills ..please pray for me my sweet friends I am litterly a wreak..I am so sorry but I thought you all should know what I have been going through..I had to get this out I tried to hide it..and keep it to myself but I can't no more..Roger was such a big help when he found out what happened he wanted to litterly kill the man..maybe just maybe my life will change and I can feel at least a little ok..

Love u all,

Cindysue

[Guest Guest]

Trish, I hope you have a great time with your friend. When the stress of our grief is strong, having a friend close can help make it feel muct easier to bear. Thank you for the kindness and prayers and friendship. You're such a dear. Today wasn't much better than yesterday, but at least I got a few "almost answers". When the arrangements are made, she'll be going to a long term care facility for an indefinite length of time. If she can regain strength, they'll let her back home, but only with nursing for at least eight hours a day. Now, those feelings people get about nursing homes is hitting me. I feel like crap about this, cuz I'm the schmuck who called for the ambulance, and called the charge nurse to come to our home and check her out. My wife is so insufferably angry at me, she barely speaks to me. She said she doesn't want my daughter to come home, but I won't agree with that little tyrade. She's MY child, and I'm going to let her come home, so she can see her step mom. She also wants to help care for her step brother, which is a good idea. In time, I pray I can get past the feelings of guilt for doing this, but I only did it for her safety and health. Please have a fun weekend, and know that I'm always praying for you, for your health and peace and safety. Please don't let our situation worry you too much. God is good, and always has led us and carried us well. I trust Him. Luv ya, hugz, me