Young Widowhood

[cindysue]

Mark, My sweet friend, how is Mary?? I hope she is ok and your resting better..Baby Byron is finally home I am so happy..but he was givin me a hard time like I told Cindisue he kept comming out of his bed and going sorry Mama just so he could stay up he was huggin me but man I was soooo tired... but anyways I was tellin Cindisue bout strange things happining here like my Tv shutting off Byron's toys going off and even my computer turning off and this has been within the last few days..could it be Roger..just lettin me know he was with me then I even had a dream about hi..has been sp spooky but comforting...tell em what you think I would like someones opinion on this...I am thinkin bout you Mark your such a sweet dear friend...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, if it were only the tv, I'd think the remote switching was messed up, which happened to us once. But with that much going on, and after the blanket thing in hospital, I agree with you, Roger is watching over his baby boy. This is such a beautiful picture of his love for Byron.

I know you're tired, kiddo, so try to catch up on your rest as much as the adorable one allows. He's such a little angel of a boy (how can you say no to him?).

We're having a pretty good week so far. Last night, I actually got some sleep. The pain has been high for her, but at least the meds aren't fighting each other, now that we took her off one that was having a toxic reaction to the pain med. It makes me nervous dealing with medicine that can be as dangerous as the illness.

I'll write in the morning if I can wake up (hehehe). That's usually about 11am. Take care of yourself (please watch your iron).

luvz&hugz4Uboth,Me

[withani]

CindySue...Mark...Gina...Trish and Renee...thank you all for your love and support the past few days. I've now gotten past the one year mark with Gary's passing and what a day that was. I bought a helium balloon to send to him and attached a note I wrote which I ended up having to cut off because it weighed the balloon down...then the balloon was stuck in the branches of a tree in my back yard that I couldn't reach and finally a storm came along and took the balloon away. I feel like I've reached a milestone but will never forget what I've lost...

Mark...I was sorry to hear about your rough day and additionally sorry I couldn't be there for you. Big hug!!!!

CindySue...yes it appears that Roger's happy to have baby Bryon home and I'm so glad he's sending signs. Big hug!!!!

Gina and Trish...now that I have a year under my belt I hope I can be there for you if you need someone to talk to...to make you feel like you're not going crazy...Big hug!!!

Renee...Big Hug!!!!

Love and hugs to all....CindiSue/Withani

[leahaynn]

Hello everyone --

I've been lurking and am glad to see that you all are still getting through, one day at a time. My daughter and I flew to Phoenix, AZ for Christmas and both came back sick with ear infections and sinus infections. I don't remember ever feeling so bad and to make it worse Ray wasn't here to take care of me (us) like he always did. I have to admit to a certain amount of joy in knowing that I got us both through the crisis on my own - with God's help of course.

On the 8th will be 3 months since he died and I've already made it through our 25th wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year. I have a breather before his birthday in March. Some days I think I'm doing really well and then other days I think I'm going to die from missing him so much. Is that normal? If it weren't four our four-year-old daughter I don't think I'd be getting out of bed.

I have a job interview tomorrow - could you all say a little prayer for me? I hope they offer enough money and benefits. We have benefits through my husband's employer until the end of November so I have time, but I hate feeling like I'm in transition. (Even though I AM in transition). Thanks in advance. I need to fix supper but I'll check back later. Know that I continue to pray for each of you.

Ann

[cindysue]

Ann, You are normal from missing your dear husabd sooo much..you were married 25 years thats a long time I know I was married 28 and they say time heals but I can't see it its been 17 monthes since Roger died and the pain feels like yesterday if it was'nt for our 2 year old son I don't know what I would do..he keeps me going..he just got out of the hosp..he was very sick..he was in a little over 2 weeks he had some viral infection and with his heart condition they were worried I spent X-mas and New years in the hosp..but the whole time I know Roger was with us..he gave me enough signs thats for sure and he still is..I know if he seen our son and daughters he would be so happy..I think God everyday that I was blessed with this one last child from him even looks like him which is a sweet reminder..I know the holidays must have been hard his b-day will be hard for you also..but you made it through the rough holidays including your anniversary I was thinkin this year would be 30 years for me and Roger..he was 46 when he died and I think thats just not fair he always wanted a son and when he finally got his wish he had to go..he loved our daughters but always wanted a boy and I am glad I could give him that..Ann I will pray you get the Job interview..Good Luck..I hope your daughter is doing good I know she is pretty young also..but I will keep you in my prayers always..

hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ann, if there's anything "normal" about grieving and our loss, it's that every emotion is "normal". My wife is still with me, but I have what seems to be a permanent seat on grief's rollercoaster.

You've made it through so many special occasions, perhaps you should give yourself a treat, like some candles or other pretty things, to lift your spirits a little. It may help ease the sorrow for a little while.

Sorry to hear of your illnesses. It sounds like it was difficult with your husband's help, but you still made it through. I'm thankful you're getting better.

We'll all be praying for your job interview. I hope it goes well for you. It's good to know you have a few months to look for the right job.

Good to hear from you again. We're always here to listen and help all we can.

[leahaynn]

CindySue,

I'm so glad that your little angel is finally home from the hospital. It sounds like you both have had a rough time. I can only imagine how scared you were - especially with his heart condition there to complicate things.

It sounds like your Roger has a real sense of humor with the blanket and the electronics being switched on and off. It must be a comfort to you to know that he is there with you and the baby. I'm glad you have him too - our children are such gifts. I've always felt a kinship with you since I started reading this board because we both have a young child and our husbands were the same age when they died.

Do whatever you can to get some rest. Can someone watch Bryon for you so you can get some rest? I know you are battling health issues of your own. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. Know that you continue to be in mine as well.

Ann

[leahaynn]

Mark,

Thanks for the affirmation that my rollercoaster emotions are "normal". Sometimes I ask myself what the heck is normal anyway!? Losing Ray so suddenly was such a shock but I think that was easier for me than what you are going through watching Mary struggle everyday. My hat is off to you because you keep putting one foot in front of the other and your major concern is for her and her comfort. Are you still dealing with Hospice? Is she still at home?

I was the caretaker for my mother when she was dying four years ago and I can relate a little to what you are going through but with your spouse it is so different. I remember when I walked into her apartment that morning and found her dead on the dining room floor part of me was relieved and another part of me couldn\\\'t believe she was really gone. She had an incredible will to live and kept on going - I was beginning to think she was going to outlive me. I suffered a lot of guilt over those feelings and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. Our relationship was complicated by years of her alcoholism and the issues that arose from that. Now I realize I did everything I could and I stayed with her and cared for her when neither one of my siblings would have anything to do with her. It is not an easy task that you have been called to do but I hope that you will continue to have the strength you need and the grace to sustain you.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Ann

[cindysue]

Ann, thankyou we were very blessed to have our young ones..they are angels and your right Roger had a very good since of humor he just loved kids and I know he would be with him and the girls if he could..your right my health is not as good as it should be I have arthtis so bad and fibermylergia that I wonder if it will ever get better sometimes..but I have had arthtis since I was 33 so I should be used to it but after having Byron it got worse then I got fibermylegia and that really is painful wish I knew what to take to help that...but the main thing I try to do is to keep my Iron level where it posed to be. I wish I could someone could take Byron for a few days but then again I would miss him too much one daughter has 5 kids of her own and my other daughter has 2 but she lives 5 hrs away..and my mom is 70 and I know Byron can be a handful at times..Ann, I did'nt realize your husband was the same age as Roger when he passed away..we were celebrating Rogers birthday when he had his heart attack but he died so quickly that he probably did'nt know what hit him..within a few min he was gone..you wonder why sometimes they have to go thier fine one min and gone the next..life is so short you always think they will be around..it changes the way you think when someone that close to you dies..makes you think how precious life is and how lucky we are that we have a little child at home to keep us company again..I can't remember what your husband died of??? but I know it has'nt been a long time and the pain is so fresh for you..and my heart go's out to you so much..but I believe he will come to you also it different ways to let you know he is still around..you are always in my prayers my friend...

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Girlfriend I am so happy you made it pass the one year mark ok I was worried about you and know that day was rough...what you did for Gary was so beautiful releasing balloons like you did that was great..he knew you loved him soooo much and he was right thier with you..what a sweet thing to do..we were blessed to have such wonderful men in our lives luckier then alot of people don't know what the good Lord has it store for us but least we had them wonderful years with our man..I have thought about you alot and so glad your ok my prayers are always with you my sweet friend..well I better get going Byron will be gettin up soon hope you have a great day..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ann, thanks for the kind thoughts. Somedays aren't easy for me to keep myself going. It's different losing someone suddenly or to a long term illness. We're going into year 5 with this. We have no idea if the illness will turn critical within a few days, or months, or years. It's not like cancer, which can be predicted in its outcome. I know I'm going to feel badly for feeling relief. This is about her, not me, though.

I'm sorry you also lost your mom. You did very well caring for her. Lately, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing her, not so much finding her like you did your mom.

Try to rest, and have fun with your little girl. You'll always be thankful for her presence.

hugs, me

[hurleyta]

CindiSue Withani,

Your one year memorial sounds beautiful... I hope that I will be able to do something good for James too. Of course I haven't even got to the 2 month mark yet. James was big into Valentine's Day. I want to do something special for him this day as well. I am thinking that I may buy a memorial paver for outside of our church. They aren't real expensive and it would be something for him from me. I may do this for his 1 year anniversary if I don't do it for Valentines Day... It's going to be very hard for me this year. Last year we had a really nice dinner and he bought my mom, grandmother and I gifts. He was always so thoughtful... Thank you for being here for me. I really appreciate it. I had to go to a surgery center this am for a set of epiderals on my back. I couldn't sleep last night because I HATE needles and didn't want to go through with it. I begged James and God to be there with me and to help me through it. I go there this morning and it turned out the whole office was wonderful. I felt very comfortable and my fears disappeared. I believe that James pulled through and was here for me. When I came home I went to sleep as I was very tired. I had a dream and in it I called James on his cell phone. He didn't answer. I had been sitting with him on our bed, so I knew that he was there, but when I left to go to visit my family, I tried to call. I believe that it was his way of telling me he was with me, but had to go back home. I always feel better, or at least so far, when James visits me. I feel less alone and his love is greater in my visits than ever before. Crazy, ha??? Oh well....

Take care,

Trish

[withani]

Trish...you are stronger than you know girlfriend..I am glad James and God were by your side for your shots. The journey is long the first year and believe me...if you just take one day at a time..you go forward a few steps and backward a few steps month after month. James KNOWS your love for him is strong and you can visit him whenever you like in your dreams. Not being with them physically is sooooooo hard but just keep talking about him and holding those beautiful memories (especially your special Valentines Day) to your heart. I pray you can find a space for peace and hope your journey brings new insights. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Trish...p.s. - there is a site on here called ADC's (after death communication) which has helped me on several occasions with visions and dreams. I don't think you're crazy at all...quite the opposite...I think you were talking to James on the cell phone

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue and Mark...my very dear friends. Thank you for the worrying and prayers as I approached my one year mark. I spent a couple days alone just thinking and crying and of course had my small memorial. I feel so much better now...like I'm starting to get back to my ole' goofy self (just missing the Gary piece)....but I CAN GO ON and I AM GOING ON. I've been on Xanax for the past year and stopped taking it a few days ago. I'm actually looking forward to what the New Year has in store for me (will never forget or let go of the love I have for Gary of course) but I've arrived at a good place.

Thanks for thinking about me....Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

P.S. - CindySue I'm so happy to hear your little man Bryon is out of the hospital and on his way to recooperation...BIG HUG

P.S.S. - Mark I'm also very happy Mary is still with you and you're hanging in there with all the love and support that you do...BIG HUG

[hurleyta]

CindiSue Withani,

I went onto the the post you suggested. I too have posted there in the past. It is very helpful to understand the "visits" I am getting from James. I couldn't sleep again last night. I think that after I get a visit I am so anxious for another that I just can't sleep? Silly, I know.

I got a call today from the cemetary that James is buried at. I too am buying a plot there and it is above James, at least our bodies will be together. This was very important to me. I love him and know that he loves me and if he is still here with me, I want to be with him in eternity...

Trish

[emileetris]

I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO... I AM NEW HERE..MY HUSBAND DIED WHEN I WAS 19 AND HE WAS 21 THAT WAS IN 1998...WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TOGETHER IN WHICH HIS PARENTS GAINED CUSTODY AFTER HIS DEATH...I HAVE NEVER TALKED TO ANYONE ABOUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT HIS DEATH I AM NOW 28 AND THINGS HAVE REALLY HIT ME HARD THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS..WE WERE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS TOGETHER SINCE I WAS 15...IN THE YEARS THAT HAVE PAST I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF BELIEVE NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED. I FIND MYSELF CRYING SEVERAL TIMES A DAY...AND ALL I WANT HIS TO HEAR HIM...SEE HIM...AGAIN WHAT DO I DO? THIS PAIN IS SO DEEP IT FEELS LIKE A KNIFE GOIN THROUGH ME...PLEASE SOMEON HELP!!

[withani]

Trish being anxious isn't silly at all...when I have a visit from Gary I can't wait for another...and then another...I get want to know what they mean!!! Sometime this month I'm going to medium that will not see you until it's been a year since your loved one passed...she comes highly recommended and although there's no guarantees it would be so awesome if Gary came through her!!!!

I think it's great that you're able to purchase a plot above James. Gary was cremated and I don't even have his ashes. His exwife from 12 years ago had them given to her son and said if I came with a container I could take half and originally I was going to do that but as time went on I didn't like the thought of splitting him. I'm glad you have a sight to visit. Love and hugs...CindiSue

[withani]

Emily...this is a perfect site for you to be on..there are many many wonderful people on here that will try and help you not to feel as if you're going crazy. January 2nd was my one year anniversary on the passing of my significiant other...we were together 11 years and he passed suddenly last January. Many emotions I've gone through over the year along with many tears. Perhaps you were unable to grieve when this happened..whatever the case I know I speak for us all when I say we'll be there for you...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Emileetris, I'm so sorry you've lost your husband, and that your situation with your children is like this. It's painful beyond words to endure this much loss.

My wife has dystrophy, which is now in the final stage. It's not like many illnesses, where the prognosis and terminal nature can be predicted. We have no clue of when or if. I'm also here from losing my daughter, Jenni, from a rape/murder. Her mother placed her for adotion at birth, so I never got to even meet her. She died in '96, but I found out last summer.

With that said, my "advice" to you is that you do everything you can to maintain a postive, loving relationship with your children. I'll also suggest that you try to legally and gently regain custody. Also, try to do a little something for yourself occasionally, so you can feel good about you (you're important too).

The myriad of emotions are all a part of the natural process of grieving. Even on those days when you feel so numb that your heart can't express a feeling at all, it's a part of how we deal with our loss. Please give yourself a lot of latitude in the issues you face: after all, this is about you too.

We'll all say a prayer for you. Feel free to write about anything, anytime. We're here to listen and help you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, please be careful dropping the meds. Ask your children to watch you, and if they see any bad effects, let them talk you into restarting the med. I worry about you, my dear friend. Antianxiety meds can create depression in some people, so if you've had any, you may notice it clearing up some.

Thanks for saying what you did. You're a dear friend. We're hanging in there, even if this thing is acting up so much. I can't hide it too well that I'm feeling the exhaustion and stress. We have some increasingly serious issues to face. I'll email ya, but for the moment ask for a little prayer, when you can.

I haven't done the medium thing about Jenni. She's here frequently. If we're trying to get some control for my wife's pain, Jenni won't visit. I'm here to support you in your choices and decisions while you grieve. This is your time, your sorrow. I'll keep a prayer for your comfort.

Hope you can get a little rest this weekend. About my trip to my daughter's, I'm going to be there next month, near Groundhog day. I absolutely must be there for my grandson's birthday (it's the big 5). Take care, and try to spoil yourself a little this weekend. luvz,hugz,me

[withani]

Hi Mark...I've been off my antianxiety meds for about a week now and am actually feeling pretty good. I didn't know antianxiety meds could cause depression..hmmmmmm...interesting. I sincerely appreciate your concern my dear friend...I'm actually starting to feel like my olds self again...probably because I have a year behind me now and am counting my blessings which includes you and my friends on Beyond Indigo....hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, a friend is someone you can always count on. You are someone I always know I can count on and trust, the bestest of friends. luv ya for that. My wife and I would be hurtin' so bad without you. We're happy you're beginning to heal, and see the light of say after your dark tunnel of sorrow. Yeah, those little pills cause do that. The cause or cure, which is worse? hehehe.

We've had a good weekend, mostly just hanging out together. Her pain was bad, but not as bad as last weekend. I'll take it anytime. Thanks for praying for us, my dear friend. And, please know, you're always in our prayers, with your children and grandbaby (gotta include him, right?).

How's everything with Peanut? I hope well. My grandson is a mischievous little guy, but I can't think where he got that from. hehehe. He turns five next month. I'm planning to be there for the big event.

Keep taking good care of yourself. If you still want to try to meet up next month, I'm willing. I have a big box of tissues. It would be cool if Cindy could join us, but that's up to her and how Byron is feeling (one extra box of tissues, coming up).

luvz, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, how's Byron feeling today? How are you feeling, girl? I get a little worried about you, but you know I'm a worrywart. Please get some rest, or at least as much as Byron lets you. He's an active little guy.

luv yas,hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, you've been a little quiet lately, sister. You okay? I'm a little worried about ya. Let us know, okay? luv yas, always prayin for yas, me

[withani]

Mark...the cause or the cure I guess remains to be seen. All I can do is miss Gary very much but continue to count my blessings which include Peanut who is doing well thanks for asking..he turns 2 on the 19th of this month. As well as everyone around me who I've put on hold this past year. I really want to start enjoying life..there's a void without Gary but I can't let it bury me.

I'm glad to hear Mary had a somewhat better week. She deserves a break...as well as you my friend!!! It would be great to meet up next month...and really cool if CindySue could join us!!!

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Mark, Trish and all my other friends on here..I am sorrry I have'nt been on here sooner I been really sick..plus I got the scare of my life today baby Byron got hurt today my 26 inch TV was sitting in my entertaiment center and somehow the TV fell right on byron it landed on his head I had to pick the TV off of him and call 911 he was knocked out..I was pretty hysterical when this happened this evening.the doctors say he was lucky that the screen did not break on his head he would'nt be here it would have killed him he does that a big bruise across his forehead..and a head concussion but he will be ok..I been cryin since I am a wreak..I been so sick with this fibermylegia that I can barely sit but I found the straighth to pick the TV off of him I can't believe I almost lost my baby the doctor said someone sure was watchin over him and I believe in my heart Roger was..I am sorry everyone for not writing sooner I need to keep checkin on Byron tonight so I will go for now if I can stop cryin and shaking I'll be ok..love u all..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

CindySue...thank GOD baby Bryon's alright! Whew girlfriend you have been through soooo much!!!!!! I believe Roger was with you and can only hope and pray that you have some peace soon....always praying and thinking about you sis...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, don't be sorry, hon! My goodness, that boy has the bestest guardian angel of all! Poor Byron, he's been through a lot lately. I keep prayers for him every day. Please take care of yourself, girl. I worry a lot about you. You're a dear friend. I'm sorry you're not feeling well with the fibromyalgia. It's very painful. I won't make it sound less than it is, cuz it IS very painful. A little moist heat on the knotted muscles, then try the dumb end of a pen (not the writing end) to break up the spasms. A pen is small, and can loosen the small fibers of the muscle, unlike our hands. It's painful to do this, but in the end, it's better than the pain.

I believe Roger is there watching over Byron. How else can he stay so safe? He's such a sweet little angel, too. Just keep on being the beautiful mommy you are, and he'll be fine. You're doing a great job, girl.

luv ya both, with hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, take your time about things, and let your dear heart tell you when to get going about the business of "living" (whatever that entails). You know yourself, so you know what you can and can't handle. Keep looking inside, at your heart. It's a lot of work, and takes a lot of time.

We're still doing okay, but now, her spells are back, and she's feeling lousy again. I think her health is like the emotional rollercoaster we're on with our grief. There's no keeping up. The latest is that we've been told that she may very well have had three (if not more) TIAs (ministrokes). Like this was ever a surprise? We knew about them, and we knew the damage. We also know the future with them (not good).

Here's good news, though. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by not paying it. tee hee. (Just a joke - I'm sick of paying bills).

I'm happy you're able to be so close to Peanut. I'm almost envious. I'd love to be close to my grandson. We don't get to see him too often. But we talk on the phone a lot (more like he yells "HI GRANDPA!!!!!"). You know those calls. hehehe. There's just something about grandchildren.

Take care of yourself, and please do something very special for you. You sooo deserve it. Thanks for always being here for us when we need you.

luvz,hugz,Me

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Thanks for the prayers for baby Byron..he has been through wayyyy to much for such a small child..I feel so guilty I feel sick over what happened..I mean I was sitting right thier and seen the whole thing I thought my heart would explode I was so scared I screammed thinking oh my God he is dead I was shaking so hard its a wonder I could even call I was pretty upset when the paramedics came..they just grabbed him from me and ran to the ambulance and went with him ..now I have another scene I will never get out of my head..I guess I am a nervous wreak..maybe my mom is right I am not being a good enough mommy I really try though I love him so much..and I keep doing everything wrong I guess I am a mess I even dreammed of my Roger that whole night ..tellin me Byron is ok he will be ok and I told him I thought you was dead he said to me I am always here with you then it was wierd he was playin with Byron and the grandchildren and laughin then I woke up..I think maybe he is giving me a sign he will always be here for me and Byron..either that or I am going crazy here..either way I am gonna try to lay down thanks my sweet friend..you mean alot to me..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Hi Mark! Yes I am very fortunate to be so close to my grandson...I picked him up this evening while my daughter was in an evening class she's taken and he ran to me arms wide open yelling Nana!!! How that melts my heart. I was talking to my daughter tonight about the grief process and how difficult this past year has been...often leaving you with the thoughts of suicide because you just want to BE with your loved one and if it weren't for her...my son..and Peanut I can honestly say I don't know if I could have survived. Not to mention my very best friends here

I'm taking baby steps and know that when my time comes I WILL be with Gary...but until then I'm going to love a little more deeper...hug a little more tighter and never forget what a gift every day is.

I'm sorry to hear about the ministrokes Mary has been going through...and at the age of 37...I wish there were something I could do or say to the the two of you. Your love for Mary is the sweetest thing...I'm glad you are taking such great care of her...it does a heart good.

Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Mark, My dear sweet wonderful friend thankyou soooo much for the advice I will try anything..every since I was pregnant with Byron I keep gettin the pains in my back and hip..and your right when I feel it It feels like knots..I will try what you said..like I told Cindisue, I feel like a failure with Byron I love him so much but I feel so guilty over this thing that happened to him..I cry all the time thinkin I almost lost him..and I start shaking I keep seein this scene in my mind now how that big TV fell on him and him just lieing thier and not moving my heart just fell..I though sure my baby was dead but the paramedics were very fast gettin here and grabbing him and rushing him to the hosp..I was a nervous wreak all night long...that whole night it was wierd I dreammed of Roger..I kept sayin I thought you was dead what are you doing here and he looked at me and said I am never dead..I am not dead then he said I will always be here then he started playin with Byron and the grandkids then I woke up..then when I fell back to sleep I kept havin the same dream..do you think maybe he was tryin to tell me he will always watch over us??? It all felt so real..the dream like he was really here..well I guess maybe I am talkin crazy..I don't know well my sweet friend I am gonna try to lay down thanks so much for understanding I am still thinkin of Mary and hope she is tolerating pain a little better my prayers are always here for you both..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[hurleyta]

Hi Everyone,

CindySue, as always, you and Byron are in my prayers... You are NOT a bad mother. I know that you love Byron with all of your heart, so please don't be saying that. You would do anything for that little man of yours....

I am having one of those nights tonight. Tomorrow marks the 2 month anniversary of James death. How can I call it an anniversary??? I always thought that an anniversary was for a time of celebration, not of sorrow and pain??? I know that James is in a peaceful place now, but I am so sad that he is no longer here with me. I miss him every day. I know that they say time will help, but I just can't imagine it??? I pray that I am strong enough to make it without him. I am not a weak person, this is something that James used to tell me he loved about me, but when it comes to him, I just don't feel so strong. I tried to go to the beach last night, but just couldn't do it. I had to keep on driving. The memories came flooding back and the tears and pain in my chest overwhelmed me... Thank God my mother was with me...

My grandmother is sick right now. She has pneumonia and I am afraid for her. It is still so new to me, being without James, I can't imagine loosing someone else that I love... Please say a prayer for her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Mark, CindiSue Withani and CindySue (sis) I appreciate reading all of your posts. I don't always have the strength to write, but when I do, I know that all of you are here to respond.

Prayers for you all,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, my dear friend, thank you for the thoughts, which (my wife says of you) are so sweet. She can't use the puter now, cuz the monitor brings on seizures. I often read to her, and always tell her, of the news among my priceless friends here. She's happy that you're here, and thankful you care. So am I. If I had to tell you something you could do or say, I'd be speechless, cuz you've always been here with the most comforting words, a thoughtful prayer, and yes, the things you do in your corner of neighborhood brighten up my day.

As the pain softens for you, I know you'll be able to turn your heart to living a little again. Step by step, it'll come to you. Peanut is quite a little guy. I love hearing what you get to do with him. This is a part of being grandparents - we love talking and hearing about grandchildren - they're so special.

Caring for my sweetie makes me happy. Yes, it's exhausting, but I'd never want to be away from her. On our wedding day, we weren't given a guarantee that we'd be together til we're in our 90s. We traded a promise, a vow, to stay together in love until death tore us from each others arms. I don't plan to let our situation or her illness take away the love we've shared for two decades. (I know, I'm a hopeless romantic).

Take gentle care of you, okay. Your friend are always as close as your breath. We walk your journey with you in our hearts. Shower Peanut with hugs and loves. Here's a bunch of hugs for you, my friend, luvz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, in the Old Testament, a prophet would have a dream several times to show its importance. By you seeing Roger a few times, it means the gift is given, and it's not going to be taken away, and from his words, you may get to have his presence for the rest of your days. I believe you. You're not saying anything I think is crazy, hon. Calm yourself, and rest. Roger will watch over his son. Just be the best mommy you can be, like you've been doing. You're an awesome mommy to him.

If you think you should, look into straps that can tie down the tv. I'd rather it look "safety" than fal on Byron again. He's a treasure of a boy, and I'm willing to help you all I can to keep him safe and healthy.

I showed my wife the pic you sent me of him, and she started a to get a little tear, "he's soooooooo cute!" What can I say? He can steal anyone's heart (you'll need to watch that in about ten years - hehehe).

Keep your feet up, and try to rest as much as the little one lets you. Please stay out of trouble . . . unless you invite me along. hehehe. I'm praying for you, my dear friend.

hugz4U2,luvz2,me

[withani]

Mark...CindySue...Trish...Renee..and Everyone...you guys all so kind. We're so fortunate to have each other for sounding boards and I'd like to say thanks...thanks for being my very dear friends. I think of each one of you everyday and the situations in life you've been given and pray one day we will have the retrospect of seeing a bigger picture. Until then I hope you know I truly love you all and hope you can find peace in this day....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[hurleyta]

CindiSue Withani, Mark, CindySue(sis) and everyone else, I made it through the 2nd month. I had a really hard day, as I just miss James so very much. I went to a store and broke down. I was having a copy of a picture for a frame that James sister gave me. The lady making the copy looked at the picture (James and I) and asked if he was my husband. The picture wasn't turning out well as there was white flecks all over our shirts. She told me that I should try to stay away from copying pictures with black clothing. I told her that James was dead and that I couldn't shoot another one. She then told me that her husband had died 5 years ago. She said that she still feels the pain of it all... This is when I broke down. Once again, my mom came to my rescue. I don't know what I would be doing if it weren't for my parents... They are here for me. They drive me crazy sometimes, but there are here for me. I am just thankful for that.

My grandmother must be getting "visits" from James. She has been talking about him a lot over this past week. He used to have a way of saying that dying was just a part of life. Well, when Granny and I were talking about him the other night, so came out with the exact same words he used to use. She is 87 years old and just loved James to death. They had a VERY special bond and I know that she misses him...

I hope you all are alright today. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and God Bless You.

Trish

[cindysue]

Cindisue,Mark, Trish..and all of you that have meant so much to me I am so sorry I have not got with anyone sooner..havin a hard time here I been hurtin more and more everyday with this stupid fibermylegia..and Byron is gettin back to his ornary ways now and driving me crazy...he refuses to go to bed sometimes I wish I did'nt get him that toddler bed and kept him in his crib a bit longer I put him to bed he comes out I put him back he comes out then I tell him sternly go back to bed then he looks at me and go's I sorry Mama I be good..then I think darn he can't do this to me..lol..make me feel bad...so I been closing my ears and makin him go back to bed at 8pm...after a few times he finally stays makes me so tired for awhile one night it took at least 20 times of puttin him back and it was midnight by then this time I made my voice a little meaner now I feel like a meanie...but he won't listen any other way..boy I wish Roger was here to help me its so hard..to be both parents to him..but I am all he's got so I will do the best I can..I hope you all are doing ok thanks Cindisue for the sweet message for all of us..you are such a wonderful sweet and caring friend I don't know what we would all do without you..and Mark what can I say about you..you are one of a kind I never meant a guy so kind so thoughtful so sweet and caring other then my Roger you showed thier are true MEN out thier...and Trish..thanks my sid you and Cindisue are like my sisters I truely love you guys alot..you have always been here for me all of you..when ever I am feelin really depressed I know one of you sweet friends on here can cheer me up you always have..and your friendship and love mean so much to me..and I know each and every one of us are hurting of losing our loved ones we will always remember them...Trish I hope you held up ok on James 3 month date of his passing..I know each month is hard..and I truely pray for your grandmother..Mark give Mary my love and tellin her I am still praying for her..and you Cindisue I hope things are doing better for you and you have a better year...maybe we all will ..least I pray we do..till I write again Love to you all...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Sorry Trish I was thinkin it was 3 months but 2 monthes since James passed..you hang in thier girlfriend..I don't know if time heals they say it does sometimes I feel like I am gettin better handling Roger gone then BOOM I am back being all upset and depressed I guess only time will tell..but we are all here for you always..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, by going through an emotional breakdown like that, you release some more of the intense grief and pain. I'm glad you have your mom with you. It's good to have a mom you can rely on. I didn't get a lot of that as a child, but ended up in foster care. It was my grandfather who pretty much raised me, the one I miss so much since he died over 20 years ago.

To have the photographs may raise memories which make you cry, but this shows how much love you shared. You will always love James. Cherish the love, even if it hurts. The pain will soften in time, but the love will remain forever.

I think you're right about your grandmother. People can visit us, even in ways we never dreamed possible. My daughter Jenni visits me nightly for her hugs. I can feel her hugging me. She never really says anything, but I know she's close to her dad. She's even tickled me, when I was nearly falling asleep while driving. I have no explanations for this, but I'm glad she was with me.

We've had a tough week. I have to expect these more. It's draining to watch this happening. But, I keep the faith, knowing her home forever is in Heaven. I'll hurt losing her, but she'll stop hurting.

Have a good weekend. My prayers are with ya. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, maybe monkey bars on his bed would help. Do you think he'd just be climbing them now? No duct tape please. hehehe. I know you'd never, but it's the handyman's cureall. Do you have a bedtime ritual, like bath, then reading a book? If he starts such a routine, it may help him associate these with feeling sleepy. Give it three to four weeks, and he'll get the habit. By then, you may be hiring a nanny??? I'm sooooo bad. I promise to give my sweetie a hug from you. She loves the pics you sent of Byron. Just wait til she sees the grandbabies. Take care of the fibromyalgia, hon. Heat, stretching (even though it hurts like mad), and exercise seem to help some people. Or, I could try tissue massage for you (it hurts at first, but breaks up the knots). Let me know if anything seems to help. I'll talk to a friend who runs a support group, and get ideas from her. Let ya know what she says.

Have a sweet weekend, my dear friend. Give Byron a hug for us, and have him give you a couple from us. luv ya both, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, it's like this is our private "room" to just be ourselves, friends. You'll always have us, me, to lean on, cry on, and even whine to when you need. This is what friends do for each other. I hope you get to have a relaxing weekend with your children. Just think, you don't have to go to work til Monday. Hope Peanut gets to spend some time with you while you're home. Please give yourself a little break or treat this weekend. You deserve it. luvs,hugs,me

[hurleyta]

Mark,

I am sure that it has to be very hard to watch Mary go through all. I can't imagine, and I am sure that you will be in pain when she does go home to Heaven. But as you said she will no longer be in pain. I know that when my grandmother (dad's mom) was in the final stages of cancer, my couins wanted me to fly out to see her. I choose not to. I decided that it would be better (for me) to remember her when she wasn't so sick. I knew how much pain she was in and that there really was nothing left for the doctors to do. I was VERY sad when she left us, but glad that she was no longer suffering as she did for all of those last months. I will continue prayers for both you and Mary.

CindySue, your little man sounds like he is going through a "stage".... I love all of those "stages". My niece, although she is only 10 months old, is going through some stages of her own. I think that she misses her grandma (my mom). It is so cute, as soon as we get on the phone with my brother/SIL she gets really loud in the background and starts pulling on the phone cord, talking away, like she has had such a hard day and just needs to vent. Of course most of her talk you can not understand, but she is trying.... It is so cute. Just hang in there, of course Byron is going to test you and see how far he can go. Sounds like he knows your limits though!!! Guess it is like a new freedom for him to be able to get up when he wants and to just take off down the hall!!! Cute

CindiSue Withani, thank you for being here for me. I am always here for you too. You mean so very much to me, you all do. I don't know what I would do without any of you.

Love and hugs,

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, the choice you made about your grandmother was the best one for you. To travel a long distance and see her in such a weakened condition would have been painful. You'd still have the memories of your happy times, but they may have been clouded by her illness. Hold those memories with all you have. I'm sure your grandmother was always such a dear lady. Just the way you mention her shows that.

Don't you love the phases of the children? tee hee. My grandson is a normal (almost) 5 year old. He acts it too. He's all boy, but he has a heart of gold. He's always there to cuddle when someone hurts, or isn't feeling well. Typical of children, he'll get on the phone with me, and yell every word from excitement. I better stop, cuz I can be all night doting on about him (just like a grandpa).

Have a great weekend, my friend. My prayers are with you. Give yourself a little special treat, so you can feel good about Trish. We're always here for you. Hope you can enjoy a little rest this weekend. luvz,hugz,me

[hurleyta]

Mark and Mary,

I did have a restful weekend, at least for the most part. I bought myself the new mattress/box spring set, and I haven't even been able to use it yet!!! Go figure, my father is sleeping in my cubby hole of a room and I am sharing my mom/dad's room with mom. They have twin beds down here. They have a king size at home and mom says that it is too hard to sleep with him and share a bed that is smaller. MUST BE LOVE... LOL No, seriously though, I really want to try my new bed!!! But I love dad and if he feels that he needs to use it, so then let him. See, I am always (trying) thinking about others... I am used to not taking care of myself and helping everyone around me. That is how my mother taught me to be... I do try to do little things for myself, but I feel guilty doing them sometimes. I guess it stems back to my old using days. Thank God I am not back there...

I know what you mean about children. I can imagine that you get such a joy from your grandson. He sounds so beautiful. I love children, but was never able to have any of my own. I had Endometriosis and had to finally have a complete hysterectomy in May, 2005. Of course I will be 40 next month, and God must have other plans for me. Jordan, my 10 month old niece, is such a joy to me and I love to her pieces. If I lived closer, she would be the most spoiled 10 month old... My parents soil her so much. She is their first... I know that my mom misses her so very. I am thinking about not telling mom, and buying tickets so that we can go up and visit them, even if it is just for a long weekend. My parents live in Wisconsin, but are here with me for 3-4 months a year. Of course if they sell the house, they may not be here as much. I am still waiting to see what they do...

I hope that Mary is having a peaceful day. Please let her know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Your friend,

Trish

[aprilsmom]

Hi all, I'm so flippin' tired all the time. Work is crazy. I just wanted to say I do keep thinking and praying for all of you; usually as I'm dozing off, but I know HE hears and honors our prayers. Mark - feel HIS peace, everyone here needs you.

There is a car in my daughter's (or should I say son-in-law's) driveway with a New York license plate on it. Wish I had the nerve to have one of your friends track the owner's name (as if I don't know who it is right?) I'd just like a few words with her, that's all.

Much Love, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, thanks. Now, from the dad whose daughter was killed by a rapist, set your heart before God in faith. Let Him fill you with peace. Let Him give you the strength to continue your life, even though you hurt so very much. I know how deeply you hurt. I know those tears. I'm sorry this is so painful, but I'm always here for you. If you want, you're welcome to call and scream at me in effigy. You are facing a part of grief so few of us have seen. We're here to help you all we can. Please, don't stay away, but draw close to your friends, so we can see you through it. Renee, you're loved here. hugs,prayrz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, thank you for such kindness. My wife can't use the puter any more, so I do all of this, and relay all the news and cheer to her. My family has a certain medical condition affecting many of our young ladies, and a few have been through hysterectomies. I'm sorry for all the things it can do, not just to the body, but mind too. It's great you have such a close bond with your niece. Our grandson is a miracle boy. He's also spoiled completely rotten, but he's the first grandchild for both sets of his grandparents.

The things we do for our parents, eh? You could banish your dad, sort of, so you could have your own bed (even for one night). hehehe. Yer birthday is next month? Me2 (45). I don't mind the birthday, or my age, as long as my 13 children don't plot some coup attempt or other silly surprise.

Please, spoil yourself a little. It's important to do this to nurture yourself. If you ever need to talk to someone, please feel welcome to send an email. We're all here to help, to listen, to let you cry. Take care,hugs, Mark

[aprilsmom]

You're right Mark, i will!

And I will let the anger go!

i can do all things in Christ...........peace to all, have a good evening.