Young Widowhood

[withani]

Aprilsmom...I don't blame you for asking your son-in-law point blank do you miss her??? It's your right as a mother to have the knowledge that your daughter felt loved. I'm happy with the response you received. So many of us here...so sad...fortunately we have this sight and are surrounded by such good people. I will be eternally greatful for having the chance to get to know each one of you. Hugs...CindiSue/WIthani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, what do you mean, bum us out? I think this whole month has been that way for everyone, so we can all keep each other company. I don't know about dealing with these things with my in laws. I don't think I can leave their family. I love my mother in law way too much for that. I think Bobby may be a little sprung by the way you did that, but he's cool with it. He understands your pain, and the way you feel. Trust me on that. Boys are boys, and always need Mom, even the in laws. Be good to yourself. Get lots of rest. We'll catch you on the other side of a nap. always prayin, Me.

[aprilsmom]

Hey you two nightowls - what time is it there? It's only 9:10 pm in California. Cindi, do you still have a good relationship with your in-laws too? Both of you make me feel better and like Cindi, I too am eternally greatful. Someday we'll meet and just know each other without saying anything I think. Or if you ever need a free room in California, our home is open to friends like you! Why is it this month is so crazy? Is is because of less daylight or the brightness of summer leaving? Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Love to you both, Renee

[cindysue]

Aprilmom..yehhh your back..was wonderin wha happened to you..thanks so much for the prayers for my baby he is everything to me I am soo scared of losing him..that I can't sleep at night and I am so tired..I am afraid I am gonna lose my baby like I did my husband..I should'nt think that but Roger died without no warning and I watched him die right in front of my eyes me and the baby did..and its a scene I will never forget..I wish I could get that scenr out of my mind the way he looked at me as he was passing away in the boat..he looked with tears in his eyes like he was sayin help me..he was tryin to say somethin but nothing would come out maybe he was tellin me goodbye or he loved me..If I did'nt have Cindisue Mark and now you on here I would be in the hosp..for a nervous breakdown..I am gonna see a doctor for this depression..cause it won't lift up..Thanks for your prayers for my baby Byron..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Thankyou for always sayin such nice sweet words to me..maybe after I talk to baby byron's heart doctor more I will feel at ease they are gonna call me either Thurs..or Fri..I feel so bad for Byron he can't even run without fallen cause he is so tired... I wish I could take his illness from him I feel like its all my fault First Roger dies of a massive heart attack and now my baby has a heart condition..I was almost cryin when they was doing the echogram on his heart...cause he did'nt like to lay thier that long it takes at least 1 hour for him to just lay thier while they do the echogram...he was gettin so tired of layin thier even though they put a tape in for him of telly tubbies...he watched it for 20 min then he wanted to get up..I feel so sorry for him to go through this every 3 monthes..thankyou for your prayers for him you are truely a special friend..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[aprilsmom]

Cindy, I know what it is like to flash on one scene over and over and over. A friend of mine had some rapid eye movement therapy that helped her get past that. I really believe that anti-depressants help. It's not like they take all the pain away but they do make you a little more even tempered. Managing the extreme sadness is less difficult. I am trying to wean myself off a little each week but my doctor wants me to get past the one year mark before I try to go without. Maybe it would help to get you by the fear of losing your baby, I know it's easy for ME to say....but chances are very good that he WILL be okay. Right Lord?? I can actually picture all of your family on the boat. We didn't have our own but rented one this summer, it was so fun watching my other kids wakeboard and jetski, April would have loved it! Good night, sleep well.

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue)I am tryin to be strong for Byron wish I could be..but I am not doing very good..I am a nervous wreak...always thinkin the worse..every since my dear sweet Roger dieing I am still so afraid of losing baby byron...what worries me is he can't run like a normal 2 year old he tries to but falls and gets so tired then ...when he does he will lay on the floor and play with his cars...or he will want me to hold him..then he does strange things he keeps pointing to the wall and going dada..I think Roger is around watching him...cause Byron keeps tryin to tell me..and he keeps wating me to look but I don't see nothing he will keep staring and smiling and sayin dada..well all I can say is he is with us...which makes me cry knowin he is thier...just wish I could see him like baby byron does...but anyways I have bored all you guys enough with my crazy talk..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, the next time Byron says Dada, and points, close your eyes and hold out your arms. Try it. See what happens. Don't be an adult, be a child. Byron is the sweetest kid! Here's a secret for you. I had a heart attack when I was five years old, and it sent me into cardiac arrest. I went into cardiac arrest at ten. Children are tough, and medicine has done a lot to help childhood heart problems. Sweetie, it's not your fault he has this. These things may happen by genetics, or like me, by something else. I know how you feel. You're so caring. Whatever you do, don't let your doctor give you Prozac. I'm not as impressed as I could be. It's good for some, but I think you'd do well with Zoloft. It may make you a little tired at first, but fight the midday naps until Byron takes his nap. Then set your alarm for no more than an hour. I know, nag nag nag. lol. I have a degree in Social Work, so I've been through this with others. I'm here, thinking of ya, and keeping a prayer for you and Byron. luvzNhugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, so we're night owls? I fell asleep on my desk. My cat woke me at 3am, and I finally dragged off to bed. I can't sleep tonight. Yes, 6am is night to me. I'm a musician, and we stay up all night anyway. lol. I'm outside the Big Apple, so I'm three hours ahead of you (same as Buffalo). Don't be in a hurry to ditch the pills. You have had a long time of this, and the last few days haven't been the most pleasant. Maybe your doctor will start lowering your dose until you get a pediatric dose. Then you can quit. Have you ever tried a frankencense candle? The aroma is a reminder of God's presence and our need to pray. Nothing magical, but the effect is powerful. I use one all the time. It helps me get through bad days of caring for my honey. I'm praying for you. hugz, always lil ol me

[julianmae]

Cindysue....Thank you for your comforting words. As I am to young to be a widow. Lost him to compelete suicide at age 28, Oct 1st. Its been the longest days since then.

[withani]

AprilsMom....I'm very glad to see you back Renee. As far as my in laws...Gary and I were never married...we were together 11 years but I wouldn't marry him because he was bipolar and had a problem with alcohol and could not hold a job and I was raising three children. The first five years we lived together and the last six I would stay at his apartment 1/2 the week and the other 1/2 the week I'd be with my children (joint custody situation). Gary's mother died when he was only 17 and he did not have contact with other members of his family. It was always just he and I and his son every other weekend. We were very close and I miss him terribly. Don't know if you're familiar with the musicians Green Day but they have a new song "September" which goes wake me up when September ends...I think that's how we're all feeling about this month! HUGS...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...hope you're having a good day...keep me posted on the nurse situation with Mary...I was so happy to hear that this is a possibility because I would love to see the remaining time you have to be positive. Hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...I was mentioning to Renee that there is a song by the group GreenDay called "September" that goes Wake Me Up When September Ends....I think we're all feeling a lot like that this month. I know you've been going through hell and back this month and you KNOW we're all there for you girlfriend!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

julianmae..oh my gosh at 28? I can't amagine that your husband was wayyy to young I am so sorry...and sucide yet..I feel so bad for you...I don't know what to say but I don't know if it will get better..my husband did'nt commit si=ucide but he died instantly without warning ..I don't think the pain ever go's away...its always thier..I wake up everyday cryin and going to sleep cryin...and then I tell myself I gotta stop cause my 2 year old son is picking up on my depression even though he does'nt know why I am sad..but he is with you always..in your heart ..and you will never forget the good time with him..he is in a good place now watchin over you and keepin you safe..I know he is cause I feel my husband all the time..I feel him around me when I need him and feel him with us when my baby go's to his heart doctor..but I can't even amagine the pain of you losing your husband to sucide and wondering why...but maybe he felt like he had to go..but he loved you...don't ever doubt that ..and he is with you...take care and I hope it gets better for you ..look who's talkin I am a nervous wreak myself...its hard being with someone you love then havin them leave us...but they say time heals the pain..you will never forget him just will get easier to bare..we are all here for you..

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) I am gonna have to listen to that song..I been feelin really sick again I think I am gettin kidney stones back..I had them in April and was in hospp...for 3 days..so they could get rid of them...I feel like they are commin back I been hurtin alot...you are so comforting in your words and I hope someday I can get out of this deep depression first I lose Roger then the baby..and now I can only pray I don't lose baby byron..I gotta think positive...but its hard sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy again...I hope your doing good girlfriend I am so sorry I am such a downer..just everything seems to be going wrong I miss my youngest daughter have not seen her or her kids for 6 monthes and she cries on the ph even sayin she misses me too..but she said soo she will come down and see me and her baby brother..well I ran my mouth enough to bore you to death..I am always thinkin of you Cindisue and how much you mean to me...you and Mark and everyone is wonderful on here..it helps to talk it out...your the only people that understand the pain..take care my sweet friend...

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Ok good I spelled it right this time too..I hope Mary is doing good..and feelin good I been thinkin bout what you said and I am gonna do that everytime baby byron says Dada I know he sees him...I just wish I did...I believe someday I will see him beside me unstead of feelin him beside me..well I gotta run now Byron just woke up darn I wanted to write longer too but he's been suffrin from allergys..I will talk to you soon and Thankyou Mark fo always being here for me..your an awesome friend..you and Cindisue are angels to me...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[aprilsmom]

Hi Cindi, Can I find the music at Best Buy do ya think? Thanks for that info. Well, maybe you weren't married on paper but you sure put in all the work and love that goes with it. Joint custody is no picnic but I did it for years and it's worth it. You sound like one pretty together lady; but then that's not new to the folks here!! Have a peaceful weekend all. It's going to be crazy because my oldest daughter rescued a severely abused dog yesterday and I'm trying to decide if I should pay a vet the $700 dollars he wants to stitch up both ears (someone wrapped rubber bands around them and his long hair covered it)and all the other stuff. He is a sweet thing, went looking for the owner but couldn't find; I'm kinda afraid I'll get him healthy and someone will want him back. Big dilema but keeps my mind busy, right? Take Care, Renee

[cindysue]

Cindisue,Mark,and all you wonderful friend, I am sorry I am really upset so I am writing all of you at once..I talked to Byron;s heart doctor and his little heart is gettin worse.. so they are gonna call me Monday and scedule heart surgery soon for him they wanted to wait till he was older then 2 but thuer was a change on his tests..more narrowing of his valve in hius heart..am I gonna lose him too? I am so scaared and so upset and so nervous I am shaking I love my baby so much I wish Roger was here to be with me through these hard times I called my mom and she was actually very upset..and told me she will be with me when Byron has his surgery she was cryin when I told her..I could tell she was worried..they told me to really watch byron carefully not to get him over excited or upset ..cause he could have a stroke or a heart attack..and I was shocked cause I thought man this is'nt fair he is just 2 years old a baby..but I thought I would write all of you and let you know..cuase now I think I am gonna lay down I don't feel so good..

Love you all,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Julianmae, I'm sorry you are going through this. This is one that counselors admit is the most difficult. It's hard to make sense of things, and healing is a slow process for those of you who have lost someone to suicide. As you become more comfortable with us, feel free to write, even if you think it's something that would offend us or whatever. We're not easily offended. By talking about this, you can slowly gain perspective on it. This helps you heal. We're here to help, anytime. Prayin for ya, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, let the Vet fix the doggie's ears, and keep the little cutie. Then, if the idiots who abused the poor baby ever show up, tell them they owe you seven c notes, interest, plus a phone call to animal protective. See how fast they Houdini. I think God sent the pooch to you so you'd have a baby to fuss over. My wife and I were at the doc today, again, and we were told we'll never have another baby. Hmmmm. At her age? She's a little young for that, I thought, but who am I? Not like I really need another baby, seeing I'm already Grandpa. I love the posts about the song. Sounds like a plan. Hold on to the unchanging hand, and He'll lead you through this. I promise. hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I'm agreeing with your mom for once. I had a heart attack at five, and it ain't no fun. Play quiet games, and read, and let him have a little slower paced fun. If there's anything you need, want, think would be nice but aren't sure about, let us know. We'll all do as much as we can for you. And yes, we'll come sit with you for the surgery. Hospitals are fun! (rrrriiiiiiight). Make sure you're getting the rest you need too, girl. We don't need you all exhausted from caring for Byron. Take care of business one moment at a time, and we'll be thinking of you and praying lots. Give Byron tons of cuddles. luv, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue(withani), I hope today is a good one for you. No matter how it turned out, spoil yourself rotten. It's the weekend, and you deserve it. 'Sides, you look fantastic! Spend a little time in the quiet. This will help you meditate on the important issues, like Gary's love.

You'll flip with this one. The powers that be decided I (yes me) need a nurse. I'm in a wheelchair, people. It's not like I'm crippled. (hehehehe) One week from Monday, my nursie is supposed to start. I guess she's supposed to help with my physical therapy. Big deal.

My wife's nurse will be on hold. She was approved for more treatment! We're inpatient on the 24th. She'll be in for about two weeks. I have to choose whether I'll be out of state with her (in a coma), or at home with my boys. I don't feel right leaving her there without me watching her. I don't trust anyone with her care except me. Maybe this is why I'm exhausted. I want to be there, because the treatment has a high fatality risk. Stress!

Have a fun night, and we'll see you on the flip side of another sleepless night.

luvzNhugz, Me

[withani]

CindySUe...Mark...Renee!!!!! Hello everyone!!!!

CindySue...I'm sure baby Bryon will be absolutely..positively..one healthy little boy...keep the faith girlfriend and please take care of yourself...we love ya!!!!

Mark...good news about Mary's nurse but a nurse for you too????!!!! I'd certainly take advantage if they're offering and God only knows you need the break!!!! hugs and love!!!!

Renee...yes..you can get GreenDay at Best Buy and the name of the CD is American Idiot..September is the name of the song..very very good..as far as the dog I can tell your hearts into him..go with it girlfriend..btw thanks about the comment of being together..somedays I wonder about myself and yes even though Gary and I weren't legally married he will always be the love of my life..wish I could share with his parents and has support BUT I've got the BEST support a girl could ask for righ here!!! Hugs...love...hugs..Cindisue

I hope everyone has a great weekend ...and I thank you all for thinking of me...LOTS OF LOVE...CindiSUe/Withani

[withani]

Happy Sweetest Day everyone...you all are THE BEST!!!! Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue/withani, to be married or not isn't so much the issue, as I see you. Many married people are unhappy (I can name soooooo many in my family), and many unmarried people have a stronger relationship than those who are married. You and Gary shared the important part, love. I rarely say this, but I lived with my girlfriend (before my wife) for almost five years before I moved here. She's the one who was able to get me off the acid, and started me into clean living. She endured long nights of withdrawals, bizarre effects of the drugs, even the flashbacks. Some people think I should have stayed with her, but when a person isn't the "soulmate", it's so out of place keeping a relationship alive. Now, go spoil yourself rotten this weekend.

I'm going to be offline tomorrow for Jenni's birthday. If I'm half awake when I get back from Ali's, I'll drop a note. I'm only posting one thing in the morning, special for Jenni.

Thanks for all the support you give, Cindisue. You mean so much to me and I know to Cindysue and Renee. You're one of a kind. Hugs,luvz, Mark.

See you after the birthday.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, take good care of yourself and Byron. I'll keep a prayer for you two. Tomorrow, I'll be out of state. I'm gonna spend a little time with Ali, doing specials for Jenni's birthday. She looks so much like Jenni. I'm a mess of emotions, but I'll be ok. My wife will be in hospital on the 24th for treatments for the dystrophy. It's risky, and has a high fatality rate, but she'd rather take the risk than endure the pain. Here we go again. I haven't decided if I'm staying there this time, because it's only 350 miles from home. Tough choice. It would be easy if I knew someone there, but I don't. My son needs me at home for his schooling. Whichever choice, I'm going to feel bad, leaving her or my son. Waaaaaaaaaaa! (okay, so having a tantrum isn't my specialty, but grandpas are too old for that anyway). Keep well, and spoil Byron rotten. Why not? He's so adorable! luvz,hugz,Me

[withani]

Mark...you are too kind!!! You made my day when I read your posting to me. The bond of love was/is very strong between Gary and I. He pleaded for me to marry him but I couldn't because he was unable to hold a job and with the other issues I thought it was best for the kids...we were in process of Gary getting his medical issues out of the way so we could marry. Hindsight is that I wish I hadn't worried so much about Gary working or his alcoholism and bipolar issues. How I wish I could rewind!!! I am greatful I was with him 11 years...he taught me so much and you're right...it didn't matter whether we were married or not..the love was very strong. I decided I'm going to see a medium...my sister's friend gave me a recommendation for one that is highly thought of but according to my sister..the medium may not be able to get a good reading until it's been a full year. She said when someone suddenly passes they go to something like a spirit hospital...have you ever heard of this???

I hope you had a peaceful weekend Mark and enjoyed your daughters birthday...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

withani(Cindisue) hey girlfriend I agree with Mark it does'nt matter if you was married you loved him just as much..as if you were..I mean gosh 11 years is a long time..to be with anyone..and I know you had some issues and gosh everyone knows no one is perfect..he was loving and good to you and you loved him and he loved you thats all that matters..you had a special love that is something special that you will never have with anyone else..a piece of paper does'nt make you love him any more..so many people did'nt have the love that you and Gary had or me and Roger had..I still remember us dating for the first time when we both were barely 16 those years will never be forgotten...my Roger has been gone a year now as of Aug the 1st..I wonder if he could come to me like that I mean if I went to a meduim..I never heard about a sprit hosp..what happens thier? is that like a place where they teach them what they have been through thier whole life? and what they have done? then what happens after a year?? I am really interested in that sort of stuff..I know what you mean about alot of stuff I wish I could go back and redo alot of stuff like a week before Roger died he said he was'nt feelin good how I wished I would have made him see a doctor..but even if I did he would have died cause it was his time..just like it was Gary's time..sadly...but I been thinkin bout you and halloween I know you enjoyed that holiday with him..and just know I am here praying for you...so you can get through that day..I love you alot like a sister..and I care about you and Mark and everyone on here and care how you are doing you have always been here for me you and Mark and I apprciate it..well tomorrow I am callin the doctor to find out about when my baby's heart surgery will be...I will let you know when it is...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Mark, I am so sorry to hear about Mary...you have some tough choises to make and I feeel so bad for you and as busy as you have been with Mary you always find the time to write me and Cindisue..what a good friend you have been to us...I will never forget how you have always had a good thing to say to me..and always praying for me and Byron..believe me we worry about you also and Mary praying she does'nt have to be in so much pain..if I was in her place I would think the same way she is I would try anything even though its risky just to have less pain..well tomorrow I should find out when Byron's heart surgery will be wish us luck...I know his daddy will be watching him alwasy I can feel him already..please know we are always here for you Mark..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, there are times I'd like to shut up talking, and let you two come flop here on the couch, and let you two ladies talk and talk. I like to listen to people, and it's a good way to help them heal from these things. I dragged back in about 8pm. Ali and I had a good afternoon together. Funny, she looks more like me than Jenni does. Anyhow, I'm a little tired, so I'll try to keep from babbling. You had to choose something, and you believed with all your heart it was the best for you, Gary, and your children. This didn't make him love you less, but set a boundary for his addiction and illness. He knew the rule, and he had to play by it. For a man with bipolar disorder and the alcohol problem, I'd say he played very well by the rules, and never have you said anything to make me think his love for you was less than the fullness of his heart. When the day comes for your heart to feel ready for love again, I hope that one guy loves you as much as Gary. You deserve it. You also deserve to be loved in a way that will always let you love Gary. You should.

I never heard of that hospital. Knowing the Bible a bit, I can tell you what it says. When we leave our bodies, we're immediately with the Lord. I'm not saying they can't drop in for a visit (um, no pun there), or are locked to Heaven with no access to us. I hope I don't upset you by saying this, but I've never sought Jenni's presence, and yet, she stops in every night for a hug. Maybe it's because she's a girl, or my firstborn, or who knows. But, she's always here for that nightly hug.

I have a lot on my mind tonight. Jenni's birthday today. My wife's treatment has a 12 percent chance of fatal complications, so it's very dangerous this time. She still wants to risk it to be free from the pain. I won't lie, I'm scared. This is nearly like suicide. I don't know what to think, what to say, or how to react. God, help me.

Take sweet care of yourself, friend. I appreciate all you have done for me and my family. This is a debt of gratitude I can't repay. You are the greatest!

luvzNhugz, Me

happy 31st birthday, Jenni

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, take each little moment by itself. Please be sure to give yourself lots of rest. Have your daughter help you watch Byron so you can get a little extra sleep. While he's in hospital, you'll need it. If you need anything, no matter what, please ask us. We're here for Y O U.

I'm going to be out of town from next Sunday on, for up to two weeks. I'm making arrangements with my girls to keep you all up to date on the treatments. My wife is going into ICU, and will be in an induced coma for the whole time. Her recent medical problems increase the likelihood of fatal complications, but I'm keeping faith that she'll be fine in the end. She can't take this pain, and wants to risk anything to be free from it. Feel free to write, email, call, or whatever, while I'm out of town. I want to hear how you're doing with Byron.

Rest yourself, and may God give you peace. luvz hugz, me

happy 31st birthday, Jenni

[aprilmoonflower]

I am finally venturing out of my main forum here (I miss him so). I just lost my DH suddenly just 2 months ago. I don't even know the cause of death yet as the police are still investigating and we are waiting for toxocology to come back. and he died a minute from my home (I can see the street he died on from my house). I feel like I am living in limbo. my DD was 2 weeks old when he died, DS 17 months old. HAving 2 under 2 alone is so hard. I am also a stay at home mom and live in a rural area so I'm feeling a bit isolated t times. I have some support in real life but yet I feel so alone. Nobody knows what it's like and I am having a hard time coping with 2 little ones. I love them so much yet I feel like I want time to stand still and yet I don't even have time to mourn most days! I am 31. DH was 32. He and I were together exacty 8 years. to the day. Lived together for 7. MArried for almost 3. He was (and still is) my soulmate. he completed me and I feel completley lost. On the outside it appears I am in control & doing well but I'm not. I just feel lost and wounded. My kids will never know him and it breaks my heart a thousand times a day. not to mention I miss him so much. he was my best friend and the only person on earth who knows me best. I feel like a bad mom sometimes and I can feel time slipping away. I don't want to waste precious time or these days of my kids babyhood and I want my children to have a wonderful childhood in spite of us losing their Dad but at am at a loss some days when I have little energy. How do you all cope?

[cindysue]

aprilmoonflower....hello, gosh I am so sorry to hear about your husband..and I feel so bad for you I lost my husband a little over a year ago when my baby boy was 15 monthes old he died of a massive heart attack..he was 46 and we were married for 28 years and together 31 and we also have 2 girls ages 27 and 21 so havin our son was a complete shock..he died without warning in the boat we were in he was hold the baby and driving the boat when he had the attack and I managed to stop the boat ..and scream for help no one could save him even though people worked on him for 15 monthes he died right in front of me and our baby...we never knew he even had a heart condition so it was a complete shock..our son he is 2 now and we found out just 2 monthes before my husband died that he has a heart condition and will require surgery soon...its hard knowin our 2 year old son won't have a daddy but I show him pics and he remembers him least I think he does he always smiles and says Dada...its hard and I can't amagine how you feel with 2 little ones my heart go's out to you..he was so young to pass away..and just a few monthes is not long at all..I don't know if it will get any easier people say it does but I still grieve very much for my Roger..and I live the nightmare everyday of watchin him die and not being able to help him..and not know how it could happen..I know you feel like it will never feel any better but you will never forget him just the pain will get easier..some days will be harder then other days..just remember he is always in your heart and he will always be with you..we are all here for you thier are some great people on here that can help like Cindisue and Mark and Renee they are the smartest and the sweetest people I know and they have helped me so much..we will always be here for you to try to help you..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

aprilmoonflower..I messed up I said they worked on my husband for 15 monthes I meant 15 min...he died right in the boat..sorry for the mis spellin..I have a habit of doing that

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Aprilmoonflower, I like the name. I'm sorry that you have lost your husband. With two little children it must be very tiring for you. If I can offer anything, it would be use a day planner to keep all the events as organized as possible. This may give you a few of those precious little moments when you can have quiet for yourself to deal with grief. If you can, try to get a sitter for them so you can take a couple hours once a week, just to relax and have time for you. I know the ladies will be tempted to tease me, because I say this to everyone, but spoil yourself a little. Occassionally do something that makes you feel good about yourself. It helps your outlook in caring for your children, and it may help you get through the grieving process a little easier. Feel free to write anytime. We'll always listen. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you have all you need for the day. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I'm praying for you and Byron today. Take the day moment by moment, and give him all the love and cuddles you can. We're all here for you. I know you're worried, but try to let the worry go a little so you can get the rest you need. We don't want you to be ill (again).

Now, what is it about today and cardiologists? My wife sees one this afternoon for clearance to have her treatment next week. If he clears her for treatment, we'll spend two weeks in CCU while she's in the coma. If you have the time button, please push it for about three weeks from now. The good part is, by the time we leave the hospital, my daughter will only be a few days from her next trip home. She's planning to spend two weeks with us to help her step mom. Isn't she the sweetest?

luvz, Me

[withani]

CindySue...thanks for your support girlfriend...you definitely are like a sister to me only better. We have had some wonderful conversations and I can tell you are sincere when we talk. You're right about Gary and I not having a piece of paper...it never meant we didn't love. As you know love runs so deep and it will always be with us...it's just the coping with what we lost. The medium I'm trying to contact (haven't been successful yet) was referred to me by my sister who's friend went to her because of the passing of her mother. Apparently she told my sister's friend things that only her mother could have know and that's why I am driven to speak to her. As far as the spirit hospital..supposably it's a place the spirit goes to when they have passed suddenly because they cannot believe they are no longer here. Interesting isn't it??!!

I pray for baby Bryon and I'm sure he'll come through this surgery better than ever...he knows his mom loves him so much and his daddy has told him to take good care of mommy. The bond the two of you have is so cool CindySue. Keep me posted about the doctors and how YOU are sister!!!

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...it sure would be nice if CindySue and I could flop on your couch and speak with you...we'd have to fill one suitcase with tissues!!! You're right about the fullness of love in Gary's heart..the one person who has always loved me unconditionally. I will always love Gary and if I ever became involved with anyone down the road it's simply something they would have to accept...it's who I am. If that never happens then I'll become the neighborhood cat lady...you know...the one in every neighborhood that has 20 cats or more.

Mary's treatment does sound risky but if it works the way it's suppose to and she is relieved of her pain I'm sure the 12% risk feels minimal to her. I would just love for the two of you to have more pain-free time together and I'm glad you're by her side fighting this horrible disease. God bless both of you.

Jennifer's birthday...difficult day for you. I'm glad she hugs you everynight. I've been fortunate enough to have ADC's such as hugs and many wonderful signs but I feel we I can just speak to a reputable medium and will help me with my journey and possibly give me some insight as to what to do with this whole in my heart.

I will pray for Mary that her treatment is successful...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

P.S. - With everything you're going through...thanks for your responses...you and CindySue have been a god send.

[withani]

Aprilmoonflower...April I am so sorry to hear of your sudden loss of your husband. Coping is something that has been forced on us all and the best I can tell you is take one day at a time. My significant other passed away in January...it's been 10 months and you are lost..isolated..and in limbo. With two small children I know it's difficult but I do feel that writing down your thoughts help. Your husband was so young...and even with the toxicology report...I received one as well there are still many questions that go unanswered so be prepared. As Mark mentioned...take good care of yourself because the journey is long. God bless you...hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, you just made me cry. Thank you for thinking of us. I'm beginning to get buggy about this trip. I can't let my sweetie see my fear, because this is her decision, not mine. Thank you for being so caring. Thank you for saying what you did. I want the treatment to work, which may be able to give us more time. I can't even think of being without her, not now.

I really do hope you are well today, and not facing too much of your own sorrow. I wouldn't mind if we had a wagon full of tissues for that couch thing. We may need them. Getting through Jenni's birthday was tough, but we made it through. Do you believe a baby lost by miscarriage would return to visit me? We lost our first three girls in late term miscarries, and I've wondered, because I have the feeling . . . We named them Christiana, Cassandra, and Chantelle.

I'm sorry I sound down tonight. I'm feeling the stress pretty bad. As we get closer to Sunday, you'll notice more of it. Be thankful you aren't here on the day I have to begin the trip. I get so touchy. I need everything to be just right. This time, I may rent a car, just to have the fun of it. I want to drive a Vette, but I can only get a stupid Mustang locally. They are soooo slow. It's 300 miles one way, and in my truck I can make it in 3 hours. Sssshhhh. Don't tell on me. hehehe.

Have a great night, my friend. You're one of a kind, priceless. hugs,luvs,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I think of you and Byron often. You're always in my prayers. Take good care of yourself, and spoil Byron all you can with loves and cuddles. I'll ask for prayer at church if you'd like, and they'll be happy to pray for Byron's surgery. Make sure you get enough rest, girl, because you need to stay healthy. Keep us all in the loop on stuff. Luvs, Me

[cindysue]

Mark, Well I talked to Byron's heart doctor..and they wanna see him again Tomorrow to talk to me about the results..again..Its does'nt look good.. the nurse said his valve is very very narrow and instead of the catherzation they may have to open him up..my Gosh what else can happen I pray they will tell me that he will only need the catherzation the doctor was hoping he could wait till baby Byron was a little older then 2 years old but it don't look like it..I am so upset..how can I be happy when I have had such a bad year..then I went to the doctor to find out I have Kidney stones again..I had it just in April and now it came back and they wanna put me in the hosp..for a few days to clear that up..I hurt pretty bad but I can't or won't leave my baby again..I feel so sad and alone..I am more scared then ever losing Byron..but I have to be strong for him he's all I got ..How's Mary doing? darn I am so sorry to hear about how bad she is getting and how much pain she is in..and how are you coping? are you taking care of yourself??? I worry about your health and what this is doing to you..you are such a good and devoted husband to her..she is blessed as much as ypu are having her..well I will let you know how tomorrow comes out ..keep praying for us..specially baby Byron he really needs it..thanks Mark for being such a close friend to me..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue And Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Cindisue, My dear sweet friend and sister you mean so much to me and made me feel so good sayin you feel close to me as well I really needs friends like you..I got some bad news about Baby Byron the doctor called and they wanna see us again Tomorrow his valve in his heart has gotten alot more narrow and they are afraid they will have to open him up.. they wanna talk to me about what options I have with him being so little they are wanting to see if they can still just do the catherzation but he mny have to go to more extreme levels Gosh I hope not..but if its to save his life I will do anything for my sweet baby..This can't be happening to me..his Ekg was even abnormal more..so they would like to talk to me about what they wanna try to do..I really need your prayers I can't lose him too..I gotta be strong but I am not I may have to go into hosp..myself I have kidneys stones back again and the doctor wants to put me in for a few days to try to get rid of them ..I can't go Byron needs me I gotta be home with him I can't leave him again it would tear his little heart if his mama and to leave him...you are such a dear sweet loving friend to me and I can always count on you and Mark to help me get through these hard times..tell me its gonna get better cause right now I don't feel like it will at all..well I will let you know what I find out tomorrow wish us luck we really need it...

Love ANd Hugs,

Cindysue And baby Byron

[withani]

Mark...I'm sure you are feeling buggy about Mary's treatments..like a cat on a hot tin roof! I'm not surprised that you can't imagine being without Mary because the two of you are truly..madly..deeply in love silly. I'm can't help but be excited about the prospect of Mary not being in much pain...I have a good feeling about this.

Jenni's Birthday...I'm glad you survived..maybe Jen's behind the idea of pushing this new treatment for Mary?

I DO BELIEVE that you can be visited by Christina, Cassandra and Chantelle (beautiful names by the way)...little guardian angels

Please pray for my mother...she went into Intensive Care today..she came down with shingles and with her COPD they want to make sure it doesn't get into her lungs..she couldn't survive. We also found out she has encephalitis...she was acting confused at home so she was taken to the hospital. Fortunately this evening she knew who I was...where she was...how many children she has. She and Gary have always been my #1 fans....not ready to lose her too.

Hugs and love...CindiSue/WIthani

[withani]

CindySue...I have faith that baby Bryon will come through what ever he needs to with his heart surgery. He's very young and has a strong... intelligent mommy looking out for him who loves him with all her heart. He will be better than he has ever been girlfriend...keep the faith. I'll keep praying. Find out time wise what you're looking at and if you're able to get your kidney stone surgery taken care of before or immediately after...don't neglect YOUR health.

Today my mom was admitted into Intensive Care...she has COPD and has shingles which we're praying do not go into her lungs. She was confused earlier today but seemed to be better this evening. She's the only other person who's loved me unconditionally besides Gary and I really don't feel up to losing her too right now.

We are all so fortunate here to have each other to speak to...all will be well CindySue...Roger and Gary will see to it.

Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, try to hold on, okay? I will call my church again and ask for more prayer. We'll just add him to the list for little ones needing a healing touch. You're a pretty special Mommy, you know. You're carrying a lot on your shoulders right now. If you need anything, all you need to do is ask. We're right here. Which ever way the doctor needs to go with this, I'll be by your side, either in spirit or otherwise. With all there is in medicine, I have faith that you'll have Byron for a lifetime.

We borrowed my neighbor tonight so I could rest. Now, I'm going to get some sleep. She's hurting, and tomorrow is a test for her heart, so she's all nerves. I swear, she's her own worst enemy. hehehe.

Get some rest, my friend, and I'll tell you how the stress test comes out for her. I wait to hear about Byron. He's a sweet little guy, but tough as nails. He'll be fine, sweetie.

hugzNluvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, I will pray continuously for your Mom. She sounds like a real sweetheart.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, and for what you said of our girls' names. Christiana was Mary's first baby, and she wanted her soooooo much. It tore her up badly losing her. I often wonder what our lives would be like had they stayed with us (never a dull moment for sure). I think you're right, our girls have a lot to do with Mary's treatments.

Good news! We have it worked out so her insurance is now switched to mine, instead of Blue Cross. No more $500 a month in premiums. That was hurting us a lot. At least on mine, we aren't being soaked for the cost. I still have my commercial insurance accounts from my trucking company.

Yes, I'm madly in love with Mary. I still act all goofy around her, and I still get nervous about things with her. I was so freaked when her doc told me she was going through menopause (she's only 37). Like I'm worried about more kids, when we're grandparents. She's in no health for another pregnancy anyway. Otherwise, she'd love at least another ten babies. I mean that one. She l o v e s babies (well, so do I). We'll be happy spoiling our grandbabies.

With the risk of the treatment being over ten percent for fatality, I won't lie to you. I'm scared. But, this is still a good chance she'll do fine and come out of it feeling well. It's not a cure for the disease. It will at best give her five years of reduced pain. She's willing to risk death for this. That says a lot about how much pain she's in.

Take care of yourself, and don't worry too much about your Mom. She's in good hands. I'll keep praying. I need to pop an email to Renee and ask her to pray for her too. Have fun with your little charges, and be sure to have a little fun after work. Not too much fun, though. I don't have bail money. hehehe. I'm being silly. Sorry.

hugs and luvs, me

[aprilsmom]

Got ya covered on Mary, storming the gates of heaven; let HIM deal with the percentages Mark. Also praying for Cindi's mom and of course Byron and Cindy too. Don't want to sound like all I do is pray - well, i just have this continuous conversation going because I'm always driving school to school to see my Special needs kids. I have this one class of 3,4,5th grade all boys, all VERY autistic. I fit right in these days, they talk to themselves, I talk to God. Heaven help the folks that see my in my car screaming out prayers. How DID I get on this subject? Oh yeah, Mark I can't believe you aren't taking a big rig on your trip - I can see a big comfy bed in back for Mary and you and your music blaring, tooting at everyone on the road:) You better not be far from a laptop because we will all go through withdrawals without you! Take Care all. I'm moving one foot in front of the other, the one year mark is Nov. 17th and I can feel my muscles starting to tighten up more and more. It's the anticipation thing. More later, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I guess that means I'm in big trouble if my laptop pukes, eh? hehehe. You have no idea how tempting it was to give you the same smartmouth answer I give my girls, "yes dear". hehehe. Today is a stress test for my sweetie. We won't know the results til tomorrow afternoon. If anything is wrong, they bounce her from this treatment.

November 17. I'll remember you. You all were so kind and supportive of me last weekend. Renee, you will be covered with support. I know you will.

The only thing that keeps me from running a large car down there is the cost of diesel fuel. I'd rather take a truck, so I can be above the traffic, and see what's going on. Yes, I will be taking my puter, and even if it breaks down, I have a backup plan. I'll go to the library and write to you from there.

Now, Renee, what do you mean, you talk to yourself? hehe. It's a sign of wealth, you know. I will say that I'm proud to know a friend who works with the autistic. This is difficult work, but sooooooooo rewarding.

Thanks for being so caring supportive, all of you. luv ya all. (((((hugz))))) Me

[aprilmoonflower]

thanks for the advice everyone. I definitly need a daytimer Mark. LOL. but our social life is pretty much limited to the weekends mostly so that helps. I am just now really getting the hang of taking care of all the household stuff and childcare myself though it's been a struggle to stay on top of it all I admit. some days I don't know how I will do it all myself and then others I'm on top of things. it's been really hard with 2 little ones, but I am thankful everyday for them. they need me as much as I need them right now. Love~April