Young Widowhood

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi, Cindisue, I hope you had a fun day with the children. Hopefully, you can rest tonight and be ready for tomorrow. We're getting ready for tomorrow, our anniversary. Tina is going to help us with all the extravaganza. I just hope my sweetie isn't feeling too ill for celebrating. I wrote about the methadone problem earlier, so you can read it below.

Keep confident, and try to not worry too much about Cindysue. She'll be back with us soon. Do something for you, just because you're so awesome. you're a good friend. hugz & luvz, Mark

[withani]

Hi Mark!!! Yes I did have a fun day with the children...thank you for asking..my supervisor and I had a conference and she told me I've found myself a real niche..that she likes the way I am with the children and vice versa so tha gave me a very happy moment. I have one little girl who was adopted from China within the past year to year and a half and has only been speaking one word at a time...in the past 3-4 days she has started talking to me almost nonstop!!! It is sooooooooo cool.

Early Happy Anniversary!!! I truely hope you and Mary can enjoy it to the fullest and I'm glad Tina is there to help make it special. I'm sorry to hear the way your children have been forced to deal with Mary's sickness and I really believe in my heart that she doesn't mean to drive everyone and especially YOU away!!! It seems that she just may be trying to protect all of you in her own way...doesn't want you to see her like this because she knows she's not herself. I know you are patient and giving her only the best care and for that I say you my friend...are the AWESOME ONE!!!! Hang in there..you will never regret it!!!

I'm sure are dear friend will be back very soon..let's say a special prayer for her tonight.

Hugs and Love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Aprilsmom...I didn't want to forget you Renee...as a mother I can understand you wanting to demand answers from your pastor. April must be so proud. (((HUGS))))...CindiSue/Withani

[aprilsmom]

Thank you so much Mark-----YES, IT DOES comfort me knowing April went immediately into the Lord's hands. She loved to dance and I'll bet she's met Jen too. Thank you again, you don't know how much I wanted a REAL driver to give me the truth. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY too.

Hi to the Cindi/ys - Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I didn't want to really say too much, because I didn't want to upset you. As for her soul, you know what it says, to be absent from the body is (instantly) present with the Lord. God says He will comfort you, but He didn't say how. Whatever I can do to help you. If you have more questions, feel free to ask. If you want, use my email. Thanks for the HAPPY! Thanks for the compliment of "real" driver. I have logged nearly one million safe miles, and I'm not bragging, just telling the fact of it. My prayers are with you. Hugs. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Cindisue, was today happy and fun for you? I hope you were feeling well, and had a good time with the children. Now you may rest and relax. Oh, do something fun, just for you. Order a pizza and charge it to George Bush. tee hee. Which one? take your pick.

My anniversary has been so sweet, so far. We've been enjoying it, even if we're tired. My wife looks so beautiful today. I don't know if it's me or the special day or what. She's my sweetie. Tina is not well right now, so we're watching her closely. I'm debating taking her to hospital. This is a tough decision, because the kids have no insurance. Oh, Lord, what do I do now? I guess this a typical anniversary in our home.

My best thougths and prayers to you, my friend. ((hugs)). Mark

[withani]

Aprilsmom...I couldn't help but smile when I read your response to Mark about April loving to dance. My Gary loves to dance as well and I'm sure they'll have fun dancing in the big dance club in heaven...hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...yes today was a good day with my angels...it amazes me that within as little as a month how attached I am to them and vice versa....I am hugged by 20 children on a daily basis now

I don't know if I mentioned but part of the driving force behind this career changed was because of Gary's upbring in a foster care and the problems that he had with what I believe to have been ADHD as well as the bipolar personality. Also...my oldest son was a special needs student and although we don't speak...I feel like if I can make a difference in ANY of the childrens lives that I am with everyday to make them feel special and loved then THAT will make me happy.

I am glad to hear how beautiful Mary is...and glad the two of you are enjoying a special day. Sorry to hear about Tina and I hope it's not too serious so you and Mary can enjoy each other's company..again..Happy Anniversary!!!!

Hugs and Love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...Thinking about you girlfriend...hope all is getting to the point of well...you are in my thoughts and prayers...love and hugs...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, there's something about us foster kids. We react so differently to love. I once told my mom in law that it takes a lot of water to fill a dry sponge - she understood it meaning the love for a foster kid. Thank you for the sweet words and thoughts for my family. My daughter has polycystic ovarian disease, and you ladies understand how painful this can be. It got out of hand, and her hormones went along for the ride. I don't say that sarcastically, but medically, because it's how the illness works. Her hormones are all messed up. I'm so happy for you in your job. I love to "hear" you go on about how much you love your children. It's so beautiful. If you really want to know, you can do that for line after line, because my wife was a teacher. I miss hearing her telling me about her day now that she can't work. I understand the confidentiality part, that you can't talk about specific children, but if you want to enjoy talking about your day, you're welcome to with me. I love children. If there are any missing pieces you'd like to know, and my being a foster kid would help you understand Gary's way of thinking, I'd gladly tell you every last detail of my childhood so you could maybe gain something about his world. Foster life is so messed, I know, and I'm sorry he was in it too. Most of all, my friend, I am sorry your son has this misunderstanding with you. I'm always praying for him. I've been on the child's side of that, not talking to parents, and as a parent, know what it's like to be searching for a missing child (two). My heart is with you. You're a great Mom, you know, and somehow, I think he'll get a feeling that he wants his Mom. Boys do. It takes time, and it's not easy, but I have a feeling he'll come around to you. Try to be patient. . .

My wife and I had a blast for our anniversary. I went out about three months ago, and had some jewelry custom ordered from the Hopi Indians. It arrived in time. I was so worried it wouldn't get here in time. I thought I'd faint at the price tag, but she's my sweetie. She deserves a medal for staying with me this long. If she can put up with those nightmares I get, and the internal fights about my past addiction, she's perfect. Okay, practically perfect in every way (Mary Poppins). I'm so in love with her. This is our little day to forget the rest of it, and have a little fun.

Have a good night. I'm thinking and praying good things for you. (((hugs))) Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, my thoughts and prayers are with you, girl. I hope you are feeling well soon. Rest all you need to. Byron is in very good care. You are a beautiful Mom, and a dear friend. (((hugs))) and luvz, Me

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue,Mark And Renee, I am back and feel just ok...I am havin a hard time dealing with this all I just got home today from Hosp...I feel so depressed how my life has went...I am still pretty weak..so thats why I am sending all of you a letter all together I hope its ok..I had a rough time in hosp..my blood pressure was very low and I was pretty dehydrated..and have lost more weight..I lost the baby but thats ok I knew that would happen and they would take it..I cried and cried and cried for days over this..its the fact the child was a living child and I feel like I killed the baby but I had no choise.. if I continued it was a big danger to me and the child and I could'nt risk that..Byron needs me..I never told the guy I figured he did'nt need to know..I dislike him so much but I can't put the blame all on him I should'nt have gotten drunk..he just kept feeding me doubles that whole night..I think he had this planned but I could have said no.. now the poor innocent baby had to suffer for my stupid mistakes..stupid stupid me..the doctor is gonna send me to a another doctor also to help me with this stress and depression I am in..I was very happy to be home with my baby Byron he kept kissing me and hugging me going mama he missed me so much ..but I missed him more I cried when I seen him..he was shaking cause he was afraid I would leave him again..he is my sweet baby..My daughter Tina watched him and she said he was so good but he kept lookin throughout the house every day sayin mama and he was havin nightmares she said..my poor baby what I put him through with my stupid mistakes..maybe someday I will be smart..and get my head straight again..I don't think I will ever be the same or feel the same I have'nt since Roger died..Mark I wanna thank you and Cindisue for always thinkin of me..I apprciate that makes me feel loved that I got such great friends as you and Cindisue and Renee...Cindisue I hope your doing ok I miss you girlfriend..I am sorry for the depression I been in...and the mess I made out of my life..and you and Mark have always been here for me..I love you both alot and will never forget this...I have thought about all of you so much...Renee I have'nt forgotten you either I see your still havin a hard time dealin with Aprils Death I am sorry about what she went through but I know what damage semi's can do..I am sure she did'nt feel anything..you often wonder why they had to go so terribly but I guess the Lords has it all planeed out how each of us will go..My husband drove a peterbult semi he drove thta fo many years bfore that he drove a freightliner..but he was a truckdriver for 18 years and when he died he had 2 million mile accident free miles..and wom many awards for driving over 2 million miles he was a safe driver but I know the guy that hit your daughter will remember this the rest of his life I would hate to be him...but know your daughter is safe now and is happy...I have to think that about my husband he is in a better place but its hard to think of your loved one gone even though its been a year for me it does'nt feel much better they say in time..but I wanna thank all of you for thinkin about me...I love u all..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[aprilsmom]

Hi you three, thanks for thinking of me. We just went to dinner for my 29 yr. old daughter's birthday. It was nice and we avoided mentioning April although I know we were all thinking about her and wondering what she would have ordered to eat and what gift she's bring for Kristi, etc. It's wierd how you don't pay that much attention to it when they're here.

Cindysue - let your body heal now, try to eat right so you have energy for your baby. Do see the other doctor as well 'cause he can probably help you. Don't be so hard on yourself and remember that no one is judging you. Crawl right up in the lap of the Lord and give him everything - He is the great physician!

Cindisue - ah, another dancing fool. April gave me this sign for my wall on our last Mother's Day together. You know - the one that says "Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, and DANCE like nobody's watching"! Take Care all, night Mark too. Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, WELCOME BACK ! ! ! ! I've waited to do something silly like that. tee hee. Let your heart gain strength, girl. You're a great Mom. Just ask Byron. I'm sorry you have this depression and the other feelings. Don't let the feelings get you, because you only did what was necessary. I'm with you completely for your support and comfort and peace. I know with Byron, you don't get much time for rest, because he's soooooo into everything. He's a normal two year old boy. Just take care of you, and if you need anything, all you gotta do is say something. We'll do all we can for you, and then some.

luv ya, with hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi cindisue/withani. Hope today was fun out your way. Are you feeling good today? Hope so. Take a little time, grab Peanut, and go to a park. We don't have too many of these warm days left, and then comes that "s" word. I love snow, but I am a Canadian. hehehe.

I'm in this wierd mood. I got a pic from the girl I was telling you about, from my teenage years, who may be my second. I wish this process were easier.

We're having a quiet day. My wife had more doctors today. It's like twice a week, minimum. She's so fed up now, she's back to wanting it over. I never did like a rollercoaster. I like trucks. Boys never grow up. We're supposedly in for the treatment in December, but she may still be tossed out at any moment because of the stroke, or the high risk for heart attack, so we have to wait and see what happens. She sees cardiology in two weeks.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May you have all you need. peace. me

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad you and Mary had a good time on your anniversary...that is so cool that you bought her something in advance from the Hopi Indiana...you're so cool like that!!!

I appreciate you're willing to speak to be about having been raised in foster care. Gary took everything to heart but in many ways was arrogant as well...the holidays were always a depressed time for him...has it been like that for you???

Busy work week but it gets the focus off me and onto What Matters Most...I sincerely appreciate yours praying for good things...you're such a good friend..Hugs and Love..Withani/Cindi

P.S. - Peanut was suppose to spend the night tonight but my daughter had to take him to the emergency room for sticking rocks up his nose!!!!

[withani]

CINDYSUE...WOOHOO!!!! YOU'RE BACK GIRLFRIEND!!!!! I'm so sorry to hear about the time you had the last several days and sorry to hear about the loss of a baby. I had two miscarriages when I was married (which now seems like an entirely other life...I was married to someone for 16 years BEFORE Gary believe it or not) and I know what it feels like to lose a child..the worst thing anyone can say is nothing. I am glad you're back where you belong..with Bryon. You'll start to straighten things out before long...I have faith. I think seeing another doctor for the depression will help you dear friend. But for now...just relax and enjoy your gift from Roger and God...baby Bryon. Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[withani]

Aprilsmom...I liked the plaque April gave you...especially dance like nobody's watching...Gary and I would dance every Saturday night and I miss that so much. On several occasions we would go somewhere to dance and after the entire room was clapping...how we loved to show off!!!! Withani/CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue/withani, I'm so sorry you too had to face miscarriages. Mary and I named the girls we lost in late term, Christiana, Cassandra, and Chantelle. I so frequently wonder about them, and what our home would be like with them. We both love children so very much. To give your heart to your work for the hours of the day occupies you with thoughts that are in many ways emotionally healing. Especially when you work with such precious treasures as children. They are filled with love and wonder. I have to admit that holidays for me are depressing. Christmas is especially blue, unless I can get into it in my own way, but even then it's still rough. When I was a kid, I was either in hospital on Christmas, or in a foster home. Maybe from that, or whatever, but I've never really put my pinky on why I'm so depressed on Christmas. I love to go to church and light the candles and all that. I'm fine with the religious part of it, and with my wife's family, as long as I keep MY family out of it. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. My father in law is responsible for that. I wrote about how much torture my foster life put them through, because I had reactive attachment disorder. They weren't ready for it, and had no idea how to handle my wild ways. I was a train wreck, plane crash, and a garbage truck careening through a fire alarm factory all at the same time - hell in sneakers. They had a thing about Thanksgiving, being a missionary family, that we all would talk about things in the family we're thankful for. I went through hell those first five years. Then I started settling into their ways. Now I look forward to being with them, and talking with them about what they mean to me.

I hope Peanut is okay. I know little boys do the most unusual things. He should be okay be the weekend, then you can spoil him rotten. hehehe.

We took my wife to hospital by ambulance tonight. Her heart was acting up, and the paramedics thought it was a heart attack. We'll know by morning, hopefully. I'm so tired of all this. She's such a beautiful woman, to sweet for this stuff. I love her too much for all this. She was begging the doctor to let her go. It's so heartbreaking.

You and Gary sound like great dancers. I couldn't dance to save my wheelchair, but I'm into my bass. It's my passion. Just do your thing, girl.

Have a sweet day tomorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you. luvz n hugz, Me.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, get a lot of rest. Drop a note when you can. We're here for you. Make sure you eat enough, okay. I'll drop you a note in the AM. luv n hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Updates, not a heart attack, but the dystrophy may be going into her heart. I'll keep you up to date. Good night.

[cindysue]

Mark and Withani(Cindisue) and Renee..I wanna thankyou all for welcoming me bac sorry I have'nt written..I been tryin to rest but now I got more bad news....so this is kinda a fast message to all 3 of you...Mark I wanna thankyou for sending me email welcomming me back made me feel really special ..and Cindisue..thankyou your such a sweet friend..and thankyou Renee I am trin to heal but I wanted to let you all know I have some bad news today thats makes me feel so bad..My electricity went out today and I decided to go to the phone booth to call them and find out what was going on..well I was standing by the phone booth makin the call I had my van running well Byron got out of his car seat and got in the drivers seat and pushed the lever to reverse and the van took off with him in it..well it was going pretty fast and I was chasing it but as weak as I am I could'nt catch up to the van and the van crashed with Byron in it he hot another car..really hard...well I ran as fast as I could to the van and my Byron was thrown to the back of the van he is in the hosp..with a head concussion..I feel like the badest mother around now what was I thinkin leavin the car running my poor baby got hurt he has a big bump on his head ..the bad part about it is my father in law gave me this van cause it was ours to begin with he turned it back into my name about a month ago ..but I never got the tags turned over in my name yet and he dropped the insurance and I never got the chance to get Insurance on it...and the blazer that was hit had alot of damage.. and my poor Byron was hurt..so I don't know what will happen to me..I am probably in alot of trouble...my Byron will be in the hosp..a day or 2..I been cryin all day this happen early this afternoon Byron is cryin alot cause his head hurts..they wanna make sure he is ok before they send him home..the paramedics all thought he was like 18 months and I told them no he is almost 30 monthes old..he is just small for his age...what else can happen to me.. I am more depressed then ever I could have killed my baby not payin attention like this..why did'nt I shut the van off...I will never forgive myself..this all happened on private property in a parking lot by the bank the car he hit was parked and thank God no one was in it..but the fact that BYron was thrown clear to the back of the van makes me feel so sick..that he had to go through that..when I got to him he was shakin and cryin and his eyes were so big..they said he was in shcok..I am gonna go back tot he hosp...to stay with him..but I wanted you all to know what was going on..please pray for us.. I Love u all..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark I am sorry I forgot to mention that I am very happy that Mary did'nt have a heart attack...and I will continue to pray for her..and tell her thankyou fo thinkin of me while I was down...and Thankyou Mark for makin me feel special when I don't at all...And Cindisue thankyou for all your love for me and Byron and being here for me...you all make me feel special ...when right now I don't.. Renee thankyou for thinkin of me too...but I am always wondering why I am feeled with such bad luck...maybe I am not such a good mommy I feel like it is all my fault Byron was hurt today...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, my most sincere prayers will be with Byron. You are not a bad Mommy. You have been ill and tired, and it just happened. You can't possibly be expected to pay attention to every detail now. You've been through so much, and with all this, you should be given a little latitude from everyone. Please, sweetie, don't beat yourself up for this. We're right here for you, to support you and Byron. Let us know how the little guy is doing. Things happen. He has a concussion, nothing more. I'm thankful for this. If you need anything, no matter what, please just ask. Really, no matter what, just ask. luvz & hugz, me

[withani]

Mark...I am so happy that Mary didn't have a heart attack but sad that the dystrophy may be going to her heart. I am so glad you are by her side...even though at times you feel as if you're being pushed away..I feel she's just trying to protect you. Will talk with you soon...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...when it rains it pours girlfriend...I know you feel terrible now but remember this was an ACCIDENT with Bryon...you could not have foreseen it and I agree with Mark not to beat yourself up!!! Gotta run for now...love and hugs...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I'm praying for Byron. Here's a hug for him, and one for you. I'm curious how he managed to get that thing into gear, when he needs to step on the brake pedal. Accidents simply happen. We're still here for you, girl. Don't worry about this, okay. He's going to be fine, and we're going to help you through the feelings you have about it. No matter what, we're here. This will all be okay. Luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, Hope you're having fun today. I can see you now. You probably have Peanut, and are tearing through the house like tornadoes. lol. Remember to take a nap when he does. I'm not happy today. My daughter and I went for a ride to talk about the next step. We may need to place my wife in a nursing home. I hate that thought. She's too young for this, but so ill, and getting worse. My daughter told told the doc that her step mom's delusions have worsened in less than three months. Not good. For a release of frustration, my daughter and I are going to light the barbie and see about grilling steaks for tonight. We're working on a salad now, and in a bit, corn on the cob. Be good to yourself, and do a few of those girl things just for you. You're so worth it. hugzNluvz, me

[aprilsmom]

Hi troups, How is Cindy's little guy? All better from the bump I hope. Mark, you will get a peace when you figure out what to do. Mary is so ill; maybe it would help her being in the home?? Like I said you'll have a peace, it's deciding that's the hard part. You keep sending me just the right scriptures when I need them most, thanks. I was able to hold my 24 yr. old daughter Jami today and we cried together. We needed that release..... Hope all is well Cindi. Take Care, Renee

[withani]

Hi Mark! I did what I do best for the weekend and danced..I had a really good time with friends and I think that's just what the doctor ordered for this weeked. I bet your barbeque was a nice break. I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you have to go through with deciding nursing home or not...very difficult decision. Is it possible to have healthcare professionals come to your home Mark...or does Mary need the 24/7 care of a faclity? If she does need to go to the nursing home Mark keep in mind you have been doing everything in your power to keep her home and I'm sure you'll be by her side in the nursing home if it comes to that..she knows that and feels so loved. You've done well by Mary..Mark...never forget that!!! Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, it sounds like you're getting to cut loose and find that you can live a little, even if it's step by step. I'm happy for you. You need this like fresh mountain air. I'm going to go along with whatever the doctors tell me. I need peace. My own health has taken a beating and I need to get it back for my children. They need me. If I'm going to be the only parent, I need to take care of me. Tomorrow is a day for decisions, so I'm nervous. That's why I'm still awake. I'm also thinking of a friend. Have you heard from CindySue? I get kinda worried about Byron's head injury. Take care of you, and be sure to spoil yourself rotten. You're one of a kind, and worth a little spoiling. Hugz from yer NYC bud

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, Do you recall what Jesus did when He saw His friend's grave? (Lazarus). Jesus wept. Crying releases an enzyme that eases stress and helps our bodies heal physically in stressful situations. People who don't cry (Lone Ranger) are prone to health problems because of it. Lean on Jami and let the pain go free. It's another way of casting your cares on Him. My continuous prayers are with your whole family. Take care, and know that your NY brother is here always. ME

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, take care of business girl. I'm thinking of you and Byron. He's a special little guy. You're going to get through this, one moment and step at a time. Don't worry, it will all work out. We're praying for you. You're a great Mommy. Do what you must to feel well. If there's anything ya need, yell. We're all here. hugz&luvz, Me

[cindysue]

Mark, thankyou for thinkin of me and Byron..he might be able to come hiome tomorrow they kept him longer cause his blood pressure was not good.. he's my sweet little angel..and its all my fault what happened to him I wish I could redo everything that day he still has a concussion..and his little head hurts but the docs say he will be ok I just need to be strong for him...my mom started in on me again and now my mom says if you can't take care of Byron better then that then give him to me or your sister or someone that can care for him...that upset me alot she sayd now I can't care for him..I may get it from the police dept..for child endangering since he got out of his care seat and this happened and if that happens I will be spending a day or 2 behind bars..and I love my baby and would never hurt him...but now I am in trouble and will have to face this..I cry everyday thinkin what almost happened to Byron I mean he was almost killed the cops are surprised he was not hurt worse the way the cars looked..maybe Roger was lookin over his baby..but I wanted to write you and let you know how we are I am gonna go back to hosp..to see Byron again and stay with him off and on..so many things happening here..How is MAry I worry about her so much I am so sorry that her condition is gettin worse you are such a good husband to her and I know how much love you have for her..I will write soon again thankyou MArk for always being here..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) hey girlfriend, My Byron is still in hosp..they are not gonna let him go till he is more stable they say maybe tomorrow ..I feel so guilty and sad..I wish I could just redo everything I feel like the baddest mother around..Roger would not be proud of me at all.. I love my baby so much and look what I am puttin him through..My mom is bitchin at me again and sayin if I can't take better care of him she will take him or my sister will she says if I don't straighten up I will lose him...I am scared not I am gonna be in trouble for child endangering cause Byron got out of car seat and took off like that..if that happen the officer says I may have to spend a few days behind bars.. I don't want that I wanna be with my baby but this is my fault how could I be this careless I hate myself now for this..I will never forgive myself or be happy again..thanks Cindisue for thinkin of me and worring about me and Byron means alot to have friends like you MArk and Renee to care about us...well I will go now and be with Byron..love u all

Love ANd Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Renee, Thankyou so much for thinkin of my little guy he is doing not as good as what they expected his blood pressure got a little high and with him havin a heart condition they wanna keep him longer he still has a head concussion..but I pray he will be home soon I wanna spend as much time as I can with him...I feel so dumb not watchin him better I will never forget that day I was so scared..but I think my dear husband was watchin over him protecting him cause he could have been hurt worse...I hope your doing good and thing are gettin a little better for you I think of what you have went through to lose a child so fast like that you and MArk I can't even amagine losing a precious child..bad enough losing a husband but hang in thier and know I am always thinkin of you ...take care girlfriend..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Hi Mark...I don't envy you tommorrow...the day of big decisions but you know as well as I that you can't let your health keep suffering. Your children need you and Mary needs you to be there for the children. I'm sure you will be making the decisions that need to be made with the tremendous amount of love you have for Mary and that's What Matters Most. I'm sure you have an angel that will guide you through this very sad process. As far as I'm concerned...I'm taking baby steps...thanks to the children (mine along with the angels I'm caring for). I'm working on gearing myself up for the holidays because I know once again I'll feel like I'v been hit by a ton of bricks so I'm getting prepared by slapping on the gear in advance. No matter where I am or what I do Gary will always be in my heart and soul. It was a privilege to be part of his life for 11 years... I can't wait to be with him again. God has painted a beautiful picture for me and I must follow God's plan for my purpose in life and let him take me where he may. I have been fortunate to meet such good friends on this sight...hugs and love..CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER GIRLFRIEND!!!! Accidents happen and you must not beat yourself up over this!!! You WILL be HAPPY someday in the not too distant future...the FIRST step is LOVING YOURSELF. CindySue you have given so much of yourself to Bryon...Mark and myself that we are blessed for knowing you. Hold your head high...you are doing the best you can for the cards you've been dealt but keep walking through the storm...you will come out on the other side a much stronger person than you ever realized that you could be. All of us are not who we once were...we're never going to be. You shine more than you know dear friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/WIthani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, you have my email, so let it comfort you. You're going to get through this, all the sorrow, all the loss, all the pain. I promise this. We're here for you. This is called . . . friend. luv with a hug, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Only a note. She was admitted to hospital this morning at 4 am. Not good. She's weak. We need to talk to the specialists. I'll tell you more tonight. I'm on one hour of sleep, so I'm incoherent. Sorry. luv ya's, Me

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue)Thankyou so much for your concerns you are a true friend..I have some good news finally I talked to the police dept..and they don't plan on charging me with anything at all...and my insurance that I have on my other car will take care of the car that was hit even though the van I was driving did'nt have Insurance on it..my insurance Allstate will take care of it all..I am very lucky..And as far a Byron go's he is commin home later this evening as long as all his tests come back ok..its wierd I told my mom and I feel like she was disapointed that they are not charging me with anything she kept sayin how did you get out of that like she was mad..I amm happy at least I won't lose my liscence or spend any time ..for this..the police decided to drop everything..so maybe final;ly things will get back to normal for me and I can be ok...I know what you mean about the holidays last year thanksgiving and Christmas was so hard even though I was with my kids and my relatives it was'nt the same without Roger..but I believe Roger is lookin out for us..and thats why everything is finally lookin better for me..thanks for being such a good friend to me ,,I am gonna see Byron now and pray that his tests come back ok..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear about MAry...I will pray for her and pray she will be ok..I am so worried now..you have been through so much..please try to take it easy..you have always been here for me you and Cindisue and Renee through the hardest times...and I will be here for you too..things are finally lookin some what better for me the police decided to drop all charges on me..and charge me with anything..and my Insurance company that I have on my other car Allstate will pay for the other car..so I am so grateful thier..Please let us know how Mary is..I am sending a prayer for her and you..Byron might be able to come home today if all his tests come out ok..I guess I will have to wait and pray..Take care Mark and all of us are here for you always...

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Mark...I am so sorry to hear about Mary being admitted but I do hope it will give you a chance to catch up on your MUCH NEEDED R&R...please rest assured that you have been doing everything humanly possible and as you know it could be a very long haul. As you so often advise CindySue and myself SPOIL YOURSELF ROTTEN!!!! You're in my thoughts and prayers...hugs and love..CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue..WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy to read your message about no charges being brought up and the insurance covering the other car..not to mention baby Bryon getting out of the hospital hopefully today!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!! Don't worry about your mom's attitude...here we are thrilled for you girlfriend!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, now you're talking, girl!!! It's going to be good to see Byron home. I can't wait to hear all his antics again. You made my day by saying this is going to be dropped. It's good for things to be going better for you. Now, take Byron in your arms and give him all the Mommy cuddles you can. The van can be fixed, but take pictures of his first adventure behind the wheel. Show him when he's sixteen and trying to show off to a girl. hehehe. I luv the card! Thanks! HugzNluv, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, thank you. When I stop and think of myself, I realize how blessed I still am. She's so weak and ill, but somehow managing to stay with me. Tonight was so sweet. We were able to sit and joke and laugh so much. I still have to face the music, but tonight, I'm going to sleep for once. I think I'll do what you say and spoil myself tomorrow. Have a great day with all your small friends. I'm always prayin for ya. hugzNluv, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Now, the bad news. The confirmation is that the dystrophy is in her heart, and it's causing cardiac spasms. Don't ask. I've never heard of such a thing. The cardiologist gave her nitro tonight, and she was feeling much better within minutes, but we also saw that certain other things were also present. The benefit of the nitro was about half an hour. I need to learn more, which will take some work and time. She also has repiratory issues, so we need to team up the docs in the morning and bang our heads for the solution, if there is any. I'm still scared, and I don't want to continue, but I must. You have all been so much support, and so much strength, I love you all. God bless you.

[withani]

Mark...I'm so sorry to hear that...I'm sticking with my original thought today and hope you follow through on spoiling yourself rotten...you're going to need your strength and optimistic spirit. Please keep me posted my friend...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue And Mark,...Good news my baby is home.. I am so thrilled to have him and to hold him again I can't stop kissing and hugging him he is such a sweetie,,Thanks Cindisue for welcomming my Byron back I am so happy now maybe now I can go on and try to forget what happened..Byron will be going back to preschool again next week..if he feels good enough too..Mark, I am so sorry to hear about Mary..this is just terrible what she is going through Cindisue is right you need to take it easy and pamper yourself like you always tell us..you need that also..you deserve that always worrying about us..well we worry about you also..and how your holding up..Please tell Mary we are all prayin for her recovery..and its made me happy that you got to laugh and spend time with her some..I hope the doctors can help her we will all pray for her..well I am gonna go for now Byron is just waking up from his nap..Love you Cindisue and Mark..your such great friends...

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I did that. I took myself out for a while to enjoy a band last night. I didn't even order a drink - well, a Coke. I'm kinda high risk, so I stay away from alcohol, because I have a fear that I'll keep drinking. You understand. Today was good news, sorta. With nitro and oxygen, she's feeling a little better. As soon as the nitro wears down, she starts feeling lousy again. I knew this day would arrive, and another much worse lies ahead. In a few weeks, my daughter will be home, so I can let her help with the care issues. She's a dream come true in our family (I'm very much devoted to my family). Take care, and rest your heart in the peace we send. hugs, Me