Loss of a Teenager

[antspop]

Hello Michelle,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Lukas.  It's been 25 weeks since we lost our son Anthony (ATV accident).  Easier?  I don't think so.  Some days are ok and some are not.  Do you learn to cope?  I guess.  I like to read, especially books on the afterlife.  It helps somewhat.  Keep your family close that's the most important thing now.  We have another son (Danny).  Anthony was the younger one.  The two were just getting to really know each other.  Hanging out together a lot more.  Really enjoying each other's company.  Life really isn't fair.  When you think everything is alright you get sucker-punched.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers and hope you find peace in all this madness.  Peace and Love.  John

[4everjoeysmom]

(((((((KATHY))))))), HUGS back to you, my sweet friend.  Please keep me posted on how things are going after you get settled in at the folks, and also as you adjust to the new meds.  I think of you all the time, and as I do, I pray for you.  Lots of love, Always, Claudia

[iansmom]

Michelle, just like you, I remember so well the last time I saw my son as he walked out the door to leave with his friends, never to see him alive again, how it was and not too often anymore the hopes of seeing him when someone walked through the door. The pain you're going through, your heart aches so bad, your chest is tight, you can't breath, your head is spinning, your life’s blood has gone cold in your veins while your child lays there lifeless. There is no worse feeling in this world than to lose a child, especially one at the brink of life. No longer a boy, not yet a man. I had to walk away from my desk to wash away the blinding tears. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Right now maybe you've moved passed breath by breath to moment by moment, then you'll go on to hour by hour, then day by day and so on. I'm sure right now you can't see past each day much less weeks to months. In two days it will be 23 months my Ian was taken from me. I didn't come here till it was 9 or 10 months later. Fortunately you came early on, and through the help of these wonderful people here, sharing their experiences the funky fog you're in will quickly lift. Everyone goes through grief in their own way, but there are some similarities that we can all connect with which makes this community a valuable tool for healing. I'm praying for you and your family. Be Blessed

Iansmom, Faith

[iansmom]

Sorry for the glitch, thought I missed the button turns out I hit twice. Be Blessed

Iansmom, Faith

[mylukasmyheart]

Dear Claudia,  I'm so touched and sad that you know what I'm feeling.  Its only been  2 weeks and the rest of the world has returned to their normal lives while mine will forever have this deep dark hole.  When people call and ask how I am, I feel obligated to say "fine" so that they will not feel uncomfortable when what I really want to do is scream that I'm not fine and I'll never be fine again.  I'm terrible, sad, angry, crushed, lonely and a million other feelings that I can't even identify yet.  Thank you for your prayers, tears and support.  I will definitely be sharing with everyone.  I only hope I can someday be of comfort to you and others who need it.  Right now I feel useless.  Please keep the prayers coming for we really need them.  With love and thanks, Michelle

[fujismum]

Michelle, so sorry you had to join the club that no one wants to be in. Your loss is so new, so startlingly unbelieveable  for you all, I remember how overwhelming all the feelings were at that time.I feared for my sanity.All that you experience are normal sensations as our hearts and minds and bodies struggle to cope with the pain and enormity of the loss.I pray you will find hope and support here. Just hang on in, take one day at  time, just feel what you feel and don't try to work any of it out.You have a lifetime for that. I remember too anxiously working out how long ago people on here had lost thier children and thinking if they have survived then just maybe I will too.

Jamie my 17 year old was killed 17 months ago.I have survived.So will you.

Ants pop I wondered where you were.I know what you mean, reading but not being able to know what to write to join in.I think there are many of us who regularly tune in to BI read the posts and get support that way. Like you I have an older son Tim who loved his little bro so very much, they too were just getting to be such lovely friends and support to each other.At Jamie's Celebration service, Tim made a power point presentation of photos, captions and video clips of their life together.The opening clip said "A brother is natures way of giving you a best friend".I don't know if Tim made that up, or read it somewhere, but it is  a lovely expression.  Nowadays Tim doesn't say much at all about his loss, just throws himself into his work and keeps going.Like us really, although we do have weekly counselling with the Road Victims Trust.

Kathy my friend- you are doing so well, facing so much yet doing all you can to help yourself through the agony.I hope the medication helps, give it time and I'm sure it will.So many decisions and life changes for you, the way ahead must look very scarey.You are a strong person, you will come through and find a new normal,but for now you are doing all the right things.Do be kind to yourself.

Bears mum- I too find great comfort from spending time with Jamies girlfriend Beth.She has been a constant link to my son, I love her like a daughter and we talk and share so much.17months on she is still a constant visitor and include us in her life and it is such a help to us all.She is moving on with her life, as youngsters will do and should do.Don't be surprised if you see Leslie healing aster than you might expect.She is young and the life force in them is powerful.It is not the same as parents grief, but her life has been changed by this terrible event and we go through it together.

Hi Faith, Hi Claudia and everyone else here- I read it all and get such warmth and support from your posts. Anne

[mylukasmyheart]

Hello John,  Madness is the perfect word for this.  Its hard to believe that it will ever be anything but madness.  All of my children are close and we are all struggling but Lukas and his brother Jordan (18) were finally friends, "Bros".  After all the years of fighting as kids they were now hanging out more together and going places together.  I was always relieved when they went places together.  They had also become the keeper of each others secrets.  This was frustrating sometimes but now I'm glad they had that.  Lukas was a sophmore and Jordan is a senior.  Jordan has not returned to school yet.  His friends are starting to ask when he's coming back and it makes him mad.  How is your son Danny coping?  Did he talk to anyone like a counselor?  Jordan doesn't want to talk to anyone about how he's feeling. Maybe its just too soon.  Please continue praying for us.  Any books you can recommend would also be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for listening! Love, Michelle

[mylukasmyheart]

Faith,  You've described my feelings exactly which makes me cry for you too.  No one should have to feel what I'm feeling  and at the same time I'm thankful that I'm not alone.  You're right, I'm at moment by moment and not handling that at all.  I have tried to start a journal but I can't yet.  The best I can do right now is writing down fleeting thoughts and good things I remember about Lukas.  I'm so afraid that I will forget some small something about him.  I have his pillow and blanket on my bed because they still smell like him and I'm afraid that this will fade in time.  I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings yet.  As I walk through the house I want to pick up and carry with me all of his things and things he touched but thats everything and I know I can't do this.  Your son Ian is beautiful (and always will be). My oldest son is named Ian.  Along with the wonderful things I remember about my son are all the things that I'm so angry that I will never get to see like him driving a car, graduating high school, getting the tatoo he always wanted, growing into a man and so many others.  Please continue to pray for us.  Love, Michelle 

[antspop]

Dear Michelle,

I know exactly what you mean about finally becoming "Bros".  When they were younger my boys use to fight a lot, like most boys do.  They were just starting to mature and become more "civilized" to one another.  I can't imagine what my son Danny is going through.  He was the older bro and now he's an only child.  He dropped out of college "for now".  He's a very good artist and I don't want him to waste that talent.  He's working part time at the mall and I'm not too happy about that but at least he's working.  He never went to see a counselor nor do I think that he would agree to it.  Unless it's somone who's been in our shoes why would anyone want to talk to someone that has no idea what we're going through?  He doesn't even talk to us much about it either.  I guess he doesn't want to see us more sad that what we already are.  I wish there was a group specifically for siblings that have lost a brother or sister.  He did come with me to a bereavment group but there were all adults there and he kind of felt out of place.  I guess I don't blame him.  I made a mistake last time I posted, it's been 25 weeks not 5 weeks since Ant's passing.  I went back and edited it.  Either way it's still tough.  Last night was not good for me, even though during the day it was ok.  It's hard to come home and know I won't see Ant.  I miss him so much.  I have two memorial websites set up for Ant and I try to update them each night.  Have you read any books yet?  There's a few out there that I liked.  "Hello From Heaven" is one and "Love Never Dies" is another.  I tried reading "90 Minutes In Heaven" but I just couldn't finish it.  I did like the part about his experience of heaven but why was it that he got a second chance?  I will continue to pray for you and your family and I wish I could say more but I do care and I know.  Peace and Love to you and your family.  John

[wyomingsal]

Michelle,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I also have 4 wonderful children....my oldest son in Heaven.  Joshua died July 20, 2007.  That day will always be etched in my mind as the worst day in my life.  The last day I got to hug and hold my son.  The last day I was able to gaze apon his beautiful face.  He was only 10 and died in a swimming accident.  I am finally to a point I can go a few days and even a week or two and do...."ok"  but I can also start bawling at the tiniest reminders.   This week I saw a picture of buffalo in the hospital where my husband had surgery and that was enough to send me back to those first agonizing weeks.  Joshua loved buffalo and the last trip we took right before he died we fed some buffalo and saw them up close.  He was so excited and had so much fun. 

I know right now for you the grief is constant and has no relief in sight.  In fact I didn't want relief for awhile.  I didn't want to laugh or smile.  How could I when my son was dead?  Over time as has already been said you will live moment to moment.  I told people who asked me if I was taking it one day at a time that No I just took it a minute at a time.  Then an hour at a time.  Finally I could go day by day.  The first time I enjoyed myself it felt so wrong. Every part of your life has changed and has to be grieved over.  Your world and your living children's world has stopped.  This a time for you to grieve and remember your sweet boy and to mourn.  Also to talk to your living children and hug them and let them know how much you love them and are glad they are still alive with you.  Acknowledge to them how horrible the loss is and allow them to grieve if they will.  My husband's 18 y/o has not talked much about it.  Perhaps it is the age.  It is hard age for a young man to let out the painful feelngs and to allow themselves to mourn. 

I noticed you said that people are calling and asking you how you are doing and you tell them ok.   Don't be afraid to tell them the truth.  There is no way to be ok especially this soon.  Don't try to hold them up and make them comfortable right now.   Many people want to hold you up and support you if you allow them to.  They can't even imagine losing a child and they are all holding theirs closer right now.  Tell them you are having a hard time and don't be afraid to ask for any help you need.  Allow them to minister to you and your family. 

Hugs to you.

Sal

[iansmom]

John, I've always loved to read. It's a way to travel, expand the imagination, broaden information and much more. After the accident I was given several books to read and couldn't. I tried, I just couldn't calm down enough, cause my mind to see the words on the page and comprehend without floating off into space somewhere else, too many thoughts clogging up the lobes. What makes it harder to read is when the book repeats its self constantly. I find myself yelling at the book - GET TO THE POINT - which was my biggest problem with the book you couldn't read - 90 minuets in heaven, and I tried hard because it's a signed copy that my pastors gave me because they've been guest ministers the that church. The author jumps around too much for my simple brain to keep up. It wasn't till a couple months ago that I found the book that did the trick for me. ONE MINUTE AFTER YOU DIE, by Erwin W. Lutzer. He's a gifted writer, none of the 'repeat' problems and actually had something to say that was down to earth yet very encouraging and uplifting, as well as answers questions we may have. So far, it’s the only book that I could read cover to cover and had a hard time putting down. I haven't seen 'HELLO FROM HEAVEN' what book store did you get that one from, sounds interesting.

John I hope you’re starting to feel better. It’s a long tough road we have ahead of us. My prayers are out there for you and all the ones at this site. Be Blessed.

Hey Claudia, hope you like the pics I sent of the 'awesome labor of love'.

Hey Anne, I pray that all is well for you way over there. Keep in touch.

Michelle, I know what you mean about the fragrance in the things of your son's. I hoarded away some of Ian's cloths to keep for myself. Hoarded because others in my family had the same idea. You wouldn't believe what his nanny and others took of his clothing. I laminated all the letters that I got from him since he was a little kid, the drawings, what ever I had stuffed into his file folder. I kept a file for all 4 of my kids, ya know, the home made cards, letters saying how much they love you, or the I'm sorry letters, the cutzie or silly letters/drawings. I've kept all that and more. I'm so-so very glad that I did. Well, it's Marti Gras weekend here so things will be a bit crazy again. All the drinking and driving done at this celebration is uncalled for. I'm praying that there will not be any bad accidents this year, but that's asking for a miracle. Let's have a miracle Lord! Be Blessed.

Iansmom, Faith

[mylukasmyheart]

Hello All,  I just wanted to share this video that one of Lukas's friends made (Megan) with the help of one of her friends. It makes me cry but at the same time it makes me happy to see how much his friends love him.  Thanks for looking.  Love, Michelle

 

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3n10MJ6EU&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

[lagrangel]

Michelle, I am so sorry for you loss. Your video was wonderful, it was such a tribute to your son. I lost my son August 11, 2007 and I know the pain is so fresh and unbearable. Just take it minute by minute to survive the day. My love and prayers are with you and your family. Love Lana

[bearsmom]

Anne, you are a fountain of inspiration and support.  God Bless you and may your weekend bring you some joy.

BearsMom.... Susy

[bearsmom]

Michelle, Lana, Kathy, Faith, Sal, John and Claudia and the many others that share our plight.... I thank you for your stories; sharing your sons and daughters with us.  That is the number one thing I have found to be helpful.  Letting others know of my son and making sure he is not forgotten.  Our children died way too young. No parent should outlive their child.  But as we have all found out, life doesn't always turn out that way.  You have all been able to share your grief and how you are making it through this terrible long journey.  You all mention faith, family and friends and I concur.  I keep saying that I cannot believe we have lost our Steven and I hear this voice in my head stating.... "He isn't lost. You know where he is."   Another time I said " Not my son!" and I heard the voice in my head saying...." He is my son too."  SO, I am finding comfort know that God is talking to me and helping me with my grief.  "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted."  Matthew 5:4.  I have 2 other sons; Matthew 18 and Colin 16.  Steven was 19.5 when he died.  This past week my husband went to the car to see if there was anything that survived the crash.  The car crashed into a tree and exploded.  Fortunately I had word from a friend who contacted a spirtual healer and she said that Steven didn't even know he was dead.  He felt no pain.  I like to think that the Angels pulled him from the car before it exploded.  The hardest part is knowing my beautiful boys body was burnt beyond recognition.  That pains me to the core.  I hope God let Steven keep his tattoos.  He was so proud of them. He had a cross on his back and a profile of Jesus on his hamstring.  He worked out and was so strong.  I wish he would have come home and not driven that night. I wish he would have known about the hazards of black ice. I wish this was all a bad dream and I could wake up and have Steven walk through the door again.  I want my baby home.... And again, I hear the voice saying..."He is home."  So listen to your heart.  Know that we will see our children again and let's pray for each other to heal.   This is a wonderful support system and I appreciate all your prayers and thought.

Stevens Mom... Susy

[mikesmum]

Michelle - What tribute, what a man what a waste of yet another precious life.  The music and the video so amazing.   Sorry for your loss, but truly he has not been forgotten by those who knew him.....Trudi

[antspop]

Dear Michelle,

I just have two words for you THANK YOU.  I do believe Anthony and all our children are with God in heaven.  It's nice to hear that from others.  Thank you again.  John

[iansmom]

Michelle, the vidio was awesome, those kids are talented.  One of Ians friends put together a vidio for our son and maybe I should put it on the virtual memorial.  I've got a lot of space left but, well, even 23 months later it's still hard.  I've viewed many memorials here and they're all really good.  It's something we can do to support each other, to have an understanding of each painful loss.  Our son was the victim of a friend that decided to drive drunk (.085 2 fifths & beer), locking everyone in the suv/truck and telling them he would flip the truck and kill them all.  3 of 7 died when the truck flipped.  Our son was instantly killed.  I miss him so much that I hurt from the core of my being.  I don't have the strength I once had because part of me is missing. I love you Ian Allen James Brasseaux

http://Ian-Allen-James-Brasseaux.@virtual-memorials.com

Iansmom, Faith

[mylukasmyheart]

In 2 1/2 hours it will be exactly 3 weeks since that car struck my Lukas on his bike.  As the days are going by I'm getting worse instead of better.  This pain is too much to bare.  One minute he was sitting on the edge of my bed using my laptop while I was sitting there watching American Idol on TV.  My husband was sitting there with us in the bedroom and my 18 yr. old son Jordan was in the living room.  My daughter had just left for a class at the college and my son who lives in Austin was at work.  Everyone was where they should be.  All was right.  All was normal.  Then Lukas said he was going to a friends house.  Said he would be back in a little while.  I told him be careful that it was messy out.  (cold and drissly).  Still all was normal.  Lukas was always in and out.  It was a school night.  He was never out too late.  If it felt late I would just call him and he say he was on his way.  The next thing I knew it was 8:45 and my cell phone rang and it showed "Luke" calling.  I answered "hey". And a man's voice told me he was sorry to be calling like this but he was Dr. McNeil at the ER and had a boy there who was critically injured and he found this cell phone in his pocket and found "Mom" in the address book.  He told me he had been hit by a car while crossing 59.  I told him it couldn't be my son.  He was wrong.  My boy has earrings, guaged ears.  Does that boy have earrings?  I heard him asked someone to check if his ears were pierced.  He then said yes, they are.  My head just started spinning and my stomach turning.  This just couldn't be happening.  I was sure that they were exagerating the situation.  This could not happen to us.  Not us! No!  The rest was all such a nightmare.  My son Jordan called my daughter and she returned the missed call during a break from her class.  That will always be the moment she'll remember when her world crashed.  And for my son Jordan his was hearing me panicked on the phone telling the doctor to check for earrings.  For my 22 yr old son Ian in Austin, it was probably his girlfriend showing up at his job to tell him of the terrible news.  I know this was hard for my husband too but its not the same.  He was Lukas's step father and we have only been together for 7 years.  Still a long time.  nearly half of Lukas's life but still not the same.  My husband was often mad at Lukas and Jordan for putting off their chores, not helping with the things he thought boys should do.  But their father never spent time teaching them all the things he should have either.  And I always thought that in time my husband would be the one that showed them these things.  He was not mean at all to Lukas just indifferent alot.  I am now having a hard time with those feelings as well.  My husband is a good man and I know he loves me.  He must to marry a woman with 4 kids. I'm sure he loves my kids too but he has no children of his own and I feel like he is just sitting and watching as we are all trying to cope with this unspeakable pain.  

The rest of the time between the ER, the trip to San Antonio where they flew Lukas, our trip trying to get there in the pouring rain in the middle of the night, getting lost when we got to San Antonio, not knowing if he was still going to be alive when we finally found our way to the hospital.  Then the awful feeling as they told us they wanted to talk to us in this little room and they wouldn't tell me anything until my husband joined me after parking the car.  All the while thinking oh no, this is it, no, not us! not Lukas, No no no.  When they finally did tell us that his brain injury was too severe and nothing could be done. I just kept telling them no, I couldn't accept that, that they didn't understand, this was my baby, they had to try something, I begged them over and over while my other children cried and repeated no, no.  Then the time while we held him and talked to him and kissed him and waiting for his heart to stop beating just flew by.  My daughter and I were both sure they were wrong and that he was going to show them.  Lukas was so strong and so stubborn.  They just didn't know him.  They'd see.  He'd surprise them all.  But just a few short hours later he was gone. 

I don't know why I feel the need to go over this again and again but I'm just so angry.  I want him back so badly.  I can't stand this any longer.  I keep begging God to let me have him back.  I'll do anything.  I'll be so perfect.  But it doesn't change anything.  I have not dreamt of Lukas yet or gotten any kind of sign or feeling that he's okay.  I keep asking for one but nothing.  I just can't stand this.  I'm so close to giving up that I don't know what to do.  I can't imagine this getting better.  Please keep praying for me.  I keep praying but I don't think God is listening to me.    

[lagrangel]

Michelle, I do know the intense pain you are in. You feel like you can't make it another minute without your son. The pain is so unbearable and you want life back the way it was. I would have gladly given my life for my son. We were their protectors and was always there when they fell down and made things better for them. The pain is just so new and fresh for you but I can tell you that many have traveled your journey and survived.  I had wonderful friends who reached out to me when I did not want to be back in life. I found a support group, I read alot, went back to work which helped me to move back into the real world once again. I still have days that are overwhelming but I know I can survive. I have relied on my faith during this journey. Please come to BI as often there are so many of us here and so many that are further along on this journey. This may be the only place you can come to vent your feelings because not everyone understands what you are going through but all of us at BI know your heartbreak.  God is always listening but we do not know what plans God had for our loved ones. I just had to pray and still do, get me through another day. My love and prayers to your entire family.  Lana

                                                                                                        

[4everjoeysmom]

So many new posts, and I have been out of the loop for a while.... lost electricity, phone, cell service and basically all contact with the outside world for 96 hours due to a mudslide.

Faith, I LOVED the "Labor of Love".  I can't even imagine what went into creating all of those images...it was amazing.  Thanks for sharing.  I hope you are finding some comforts and joys here and there.  I think of you so often, should write more, but then life happens.  Thanks for keeping in touch.  It means so much.

Ant's Pop, my boys were really becoming closer too.  They were so different in personality and tastes, and Joey did pick on his little bro a lot.  So sad for Patrick now to always wonder how that would have turned out as they grew older...

For Susy, I feel your pain.  I wanted to share with you that my son's death was very violent and graphic too.  He was literally run over by a freight train.  My understanding is his body was not whole.  I never saw...  I couldn't bring myself to.  But I believe that as he lifted his head (which apparently was caught in train video footage) and saw the light of that train, he felt nothing as he droppe dhis head unable to move, and the next breath he took was the light of the Lord carrying my baby into his eternal home in Heaven.  His passing from this life was one breath to the next breath in his new and eternal life.  I have to believe that, and I do with all my heart and soul.

About the book 90 Minutes in heaven...  I didn't read it because it seemed so weird that the guys experience was all about him and centered around himself.  My belief and faith is that when I enter heaven it will be all about God's glory--so much so, that I won't be thinking anything about my self in that way...  It just seemed to earthly thinking centered in the grand swcheme, so I couldn't get into it either.  Plus, yeah, that guy did get a second chance, coming back from wherever it was that he went.  It's the ones that don't get to come back and tell about it, (and make a fortune on a book), that I wish we could really hear from.... I can only imagine if I did go to heaven, why would I want to come back to this world??  It's so filled with pain.... 

Kathy, so glad the meds are helping you sleep.  Sending HUGS...  -Claudia

[bigmikesmom]

Michelle, I just watched the video of your precious son. It is amazing. The clouds that are God's hands is awesome. I am so so sorry.

BigMikesMom-Patti

[lagrangel]

Trish, I have been thinking of you. I know our journey is just days apart I was hoping you were able to see a dim light at the end our journey. I know it is difficult everyday and we ask what are we still here for. Hopefully we will be able to have someone that will need us to help them through a similar sitution. My heart and prayers are always with you. I know I don't post very often but I do read the posts. Most of the time I just sit quiet and listen to others. I have gotten back in the real world with so many wonderful friends. I go out to eat with them and for awhile I forget the pain which is good.  We are going on a cruise to Alaska with my best freind and her husband in May. I am looking forward to getting away for awhile. We both like to go alot since Brent passed away. We try to do something every weekend becasue that is a real hard time for me. I hope your daughter is doing okay? My son said tonight this has really been hard for him to stay in Brent's apartment. We plan to move him into another apartment in May so he does not have to deal with all the baggage from the apartmnet.  It has been quite a rough year for all of us as you well know. I will pray for you family for some needed peace.  I still terribly miss Brent and want him back everyday but I know that is not whats in the plan. Hopefully one day I will learn what is in store for our lives.  Well dear Trish my heart was heavy for you today and just wanted to let you know that I am always here for you.  Love Lana

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone, it's been a while.  Claudia, love you and thinking of you all of the time, as my love goes out to everyone else as well.

Lana:  I really don't know how we do it, every day, day after day, but I guess we are doing it, right???  Sunday is the 10th, and Monday is the 11th, and we cannot forget the 15th, which is the day that Anthony left this world, "AntsPop" whom I've become dear friends with.  I would love to talk via e-mail also, if you would like.  And we can get the kids going too, if that would help.  Like you, I don't post often, it seems very difficult lately for some reason, but I do read, almost every night, and I do think of all of us, brought together, by our children of course, on this sorrowful journey.  My e-mail address is trishwgn@aol.com if you, or anyone else here for that matter would rather converse that way, as not to "tie up" the posting board.

My love goes out to all of you that I am traveling this very difficult path with.  You are all in my heart, in my prayers and in my wishes for peace in our hearts, someday.

Trish

www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

[Guest davidsmama]

Its been awhile since I have posted...had log in problems, but I have been reading the posts. So many new faces, even in the short while since my own David was killed. We passed the 3 month mark, and it seems to still be slowly sinking. So much has happened, yet I am still stuck in an in-between world, almost a surreal state. I am sure most of you understand what I mean.

 In life, new events: Matthew, the boy driving the car in which David was killed, has pleaded guilty to homicide by intoxicated use of a motor vehicle, homicide by negligent use of a motor vehicle, and causing great bodily injury by intox use of a MV. We  are pleased he is accepting responsibility and that this won't be going to court. Matt made a "deal" with the DA, dismissing many of the charges he faced, but keeping the most serious ones. His max prison time was reduced from 98 years to 54, and sentencing will be held on Feb 26th So fast. No one has ever heard of a case moving so quickly. I am glad for that. Put one thing behind me. We have civil cases to think about.

My 14 year old Jack has been in counseling now for a few weeks, and that has been an experience...so much pain...for all of us, and I just miss David.

Love

lisa

David's mama

[bigmikesmom]

Lisa,I am so glad that you do not have to go through a trial. I wish that would happen for my family. The guy that killed Mikey is still fighting it. It appears he has no remorse. I took someone's suggestion on Bi to start going to all the pretrial, motion hearings etc., and I saw the kid and he smiled at me in the hallway of the courtroom and started playing with his 1-2yr old son, laughing etc. I felt like saying, how would you like it ,if someone took your son away,but I didn't. I kept saying to myself"Leave revenge to God" 

Trish,Lana, I know I have talked to you both before. I just looked at Justin's memorial site again. What a beautiful job you did Trish. I do not know how to do one, but someday maybe my husband or someone in my family will help me. I do have pictures and videos of Mike on myspace, so if any of you have access to myspace, add me as your friend and you can see how awesome Mikey is. just add, patti mikulin. I wanted to tell you Trish that Justin and Mike had so much in common,sports etc. I feel so bad for everyone on BI but sometimes some of our children or situations are more similar. Does that make any sense? I am not doing so good. I thought, since I went to N.C. and worked for 2 weeks ,I would start on an uphill journey,but since I came home I have been more depressed and have even felt, "I am not going to make it"  I do not mean suicide or anything like that but just "making  it back into life." I started on an additional anti-depressant med, wellbutrin, along with the lexapro and I am wondering if that has anything to do with it. I am a nurse and I really don't like the fact that my counselor and doctor want me to take them,but I have to trust them. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I want to do some work around the house but I have good intentions and then it falls through. My counselor did say sometimes the second year is worse than the first, I can't even imagine that, but it has been 1yr 2mo,17days I can't seem to get it together to start looking for a headstone, I still haven't written all my thank you notes(How terrible is that) I do not know why I am writing all of this. I just started rambling

BigMike'sMom-Patti

[bigmikesmom]

Lisa,I am so glad that you do not have to go through a trial. I wish that would happen for my family. The guy that killed Mikey is still fighting it. It appears he has no remorse. I took someone's suggestion on Bi to start going to all the pretrial, motion hearings etc., and I saw the kid and he smiled at me in the hallway of the courtroom and started playing with his 1-2yr old son, laughing etc. I felt like saying, how would you like it ,if someone took your son away,but I didn't. I kept saying to myself"Leave revenge to God" 

Trish,Lana, I know I have talked to you both before. I just looked at Justin's memorial site again. What a beautiful job you did Trish. I do not know how to do one, but someday maybe my husband or someone in my family will help me. I do have pictures and videos of Mike on myspace, so if any of you have access to myspace, add me as your friend and you can see how awesome Mikey is. just add, patti mikulin. I wanted to tell you Trish that Justin and Mike had so much in common,sports etc. I feel so bad for everyone on BI but sometimes some of our children or situations are more similar. Does that make any sense? I am not doing so good. I thought, since I went to N.C. and worked for 2 weeks ,I would start on an uphill journey,but since I came home I have been more depressed and have even felt, "I am not going to make it"  I do not mean suicide or anything like that but just "making  it back into life." I started on an additional anti-depressant med, wellbutrin, along with the lexapro and I am wondering if that has anything to do with it. I am a nurse and I really don't like the fact that my counselor and doctor want me to take them,but I have to trust them. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I want to do some work around the house but I have good intentions and then it falls through. My counselor did say sometimes the second year is worse than the first, I can't even imagine that, but it has been 1yr 2mo,17days I can't seem to get it together to start looking for a headstone, I still haven't written all my thank you notes(How terrible is that) I do not know why I am writing all of this. I just started rambling

BigMike'sMom-Patti

[bigmikesmom]

Lisa,I am so glad that you do not have to go through a trial. I wish that would happen for my family. The guy that killed Mikey is still fighting it. It appears he has no remorse. I took someone's suggestion on Bi to start going to all the pretrial, motion hearings etc., and I saw the kid and he smiled at me in the hallway of the courtroom and started playing with his 1-2yr old son, laughing etc. I felt like saying, how would you like it ,if someone took your son away,but I didn't. I kept saying to myself"Leave revenge to God" 

Trish,Lana, I know I have talked to you both before. I just looked at Justin's memorial site again. What a beautiful job you did Trish. I do not know how to do one, but someday maybe my husband or someone in my family will help me. I do have pictures and videos of Mike on myspace, so if any of you have access to myspace, add me as your friend and you can see how awesome Mikey is. just add, patti mikulin. I wanted to tell you Trish that Justin and Mike had so much in common,sports etc. I feel so bad for everyone on BI but sometimes some of our children or situations are more similar. Does that make any sense? I am not doing so good. I thought, since I went to N.C. and worked for 2 weeks ,I would start on an uphill journey,but since I came home I have been more depressed and have even felt, "I am not going to make it"  I do not mean suicide or anything like that but just "making  it back into life." I started on an additional anti-depressant med, wellbutrin, along with the lexapro and I am wondering if that has anything to do with it. I am a nurse and I really don't like the fact that my counselor and doctor want me to take them,but I have to trust them. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I want to do some work around the house but I have good intentions and then it falls through. My counselor did say sometimes the second year is worse than the first, I can't even imagine that, but it has been 1yr 2mo,17days I can't seem to get it together to start looking for a headstone, I still haven't written all my thank you notes(How terrible is that) I do not know why I am writing all of this. I just started rambling

BigMike'sMom-Patti

[bigmikesmom]

Lisa,I am so glad that you do not have to go through a trial. I wish that would happen for my family. The guy that killed Mikey is still fighting it. It appears he has no remorse. I took someone's suggestion on Bi to start going to all the pretrial, motion hearings etc., and I saw the kid and he smiled at me in the hallway of the courtroom and started playing with his 1-2yr old son, laughing etc. I felt like saying, how would you like it ,if someone took your son away,but I didn't. I kept saying to myself"Leave revenge to God" 

Trish,Lana, I know I have talked to you both before. I just looked at Justin's memorial site again. What a beautiful job you did Trish. I do not know how to do one, but someday maybe my husband or someone in my family will help me. I do have pictures and videos of Mike on myspace, so if any of you have access to myspace, add me as your friend and you can see how awesome Mikey is. just add, patti mikulin. I wanted to tell you Trish that Justin and Mike had so much in common,sports etc. I feel so bad for everyone on BI but sometimes some of our children or situations are more similar. Does that make any sense? I am not doing so good. I thought, since I went to N.C. and worked for 2 weeks ,I would start on an uphill journey,but since I came home I have been more depressed and have even felt, "I am not going to make it"  I do not mean suicide or anything like that but just "making  it back into life." I started on an additional anti-depressant med, wellbutrin, along with the lexapro and I am wondering if that has anything to do with it. I am a nurse and I really don't like the fact that my counselor and doctor want me to take them,but I have to trust them. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I want to do some work around the house but I have good intentions and then it falls through. My counselor did say sometimes the second year is worse than the first, I can't even imagine that, but it has been 1yr 2mo,17days I can't seem to get it together to start looking for a headstone, I still haven't written all my thank you notes(How terrible is that) I do not know why I am writing all of this. I just started rambling

BigMike'sMom-Patti

[mikesmum]

Lisa - I truly is a blessing that the boy has pleaded guilty.  The fact they traded off the lesser charges keeping the main ones means he will not get off lightly.  To not have to go through the trial process is a small mercy but nevertheless a welcome one.

Patti - I know it is hard to hear, but in many ways the 2nd year is harder.  I am only 1 month into mine and the hits just keep on coming.  The reality of Mike never again to be in my life, to continue his, seems to be hitting me the most    The hardest thing to do on this journey is to ask for help.  To follow the advice of your doctor and talk with a therapist are huge steps in 'getting there'.  My therapist told me the process of grieving spans at least 5 years.  It softens, the pain eases and there is a return of motivation in your life.  It was hard to hear at first.  But in many ways it gave me a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.

If you have to go through more court appearances and more evidence about your sons death, ensure your own well being, stay in touch with your therapist/doctor but always remember you have a place here with those who silently support you through this website.

As for a memorial...is there an address for you sons MySpace page?  Perhaps if you would like you could share his pictures and story. 

Blessed be - Trudi

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Kathy and Trudi,  I've truly missed you.  I think of you all the time, and want you to know how much you've helped me in my very dark days.

Patti, BigMikesMom:  I feel exactly the same way, "not going to make it" my life as I knew it is over,  no matter what.  I want to thank you for looking back at Justin's site.  It means so much to me for everyone who can possibly know him, to know him.  I know you know what I mean.  I cannot take the credit for the website however.  My daughter, Kristi, and her boyfriend Joe created the entire thing.  And, because she did it on her MAC, I can only rely on her to make any additions/changes to it.  I am not anywhere near as competent (sp?)  on a computer as the younger generation is.  Please e-mail me at trishwgn@aol.com  I would love to for us to help each other "get back into life" if at all possible.  Everything is different:  my marriage, my relationships with my other children, and my relationship with the world.  Just don't know how to do it!

Love You All, my dear friends at BI.  Most of all:  I miss you Justin, heart and soul, I can't wait until I can be with you again!  ("Nobody loves you more than your Mother!")

[bigmikesmom]

Trish,Trudy,Katant

Thank you for your responses. It helps. Trish, I will e-mail you later today.

Katant, you are the one I was referring to about telling me to go to all the court proceedings. Thank you for that advice,as you read I followed your advice and went to the last motions hearing. I did what you did and carried and held a framed 8x10 pic of Mike. Neither I or the defendant were in the court room, they said it was just for the prosecutor and his attorneys and the judge but I got to sit in the hallway with my picture. I am not letting this upcoming trial mean that much to me. Whatever happens is also God's will. I know it won't make me feel any better. It won't bring Mike back and it won't stop me from missing him. I do not want to be vengeful (is that even a word) So, Thank you.I am a nurse too, I wrote a response to your post but I can't seem to find it. I just wrote that I felt the same way you do or should I say share some of the same feelings because each of us has are own personal feelings.

I am praying for ALL of us here on BI and read all of your posts. Thanks for sharing. It  definetely helps. God Bless All Of us who are going through this journey.

Patti-BigMikesMom.

ps Trudy, you asked about Mikes myspace page. You can go to my myspace page. I have

pics, videos etc that I copied from Mikes friends sites. If you have a myspace profile page yourself just go to add friend and add patti mikulin as your friend. Thanks for asking. How do you post pics on BI?

I am sorry that my last post came on 3x. I do not know how that happened and I can't seem to delete them

[lagrangel]

Patti,

I experienced the same feelings when my husband and I came back from a cruise and we had to face reality once again. You are very normal with those feelings. A woman in my past support group experienced the same feelings when they had been gone for several weeks and came back home. As our leader told us that is very much a normal feeling to come back to the"real world" and have to go on with life. I felt like it was day one when we came back home from our cruise. I still have feelings that are difficult to deal with at times when we go away and then come back. We go alot and when we come back it is somewhat difficult though I think it has gotten a little easier the more we go. I still have sad feelings and cry when we come back to the real world but we like to get away from it all when we can. I know we get busy and our mind is not consumed every minute with thoughts of Brent and our loss. There are days when I think I don't think I can do this for 20 years or whenever God calls me home. Our life has changed and will never be the same but we just have to take that one step everyday. Love and prayers to you, Lana

[bigmikesmom]

Lana, I just posted to you on the Grief in Christian view thread. Thanks for telling me about that feeling when you get back home from going away somewhere. I just was having such a hard time. I am also nervous about starting a new job tomorrow. I am an RN as you know and like Katant has expressed, its hard to get back into hospitals but I am going to teach a nurses aide class at the voed-career center. I thought I was going to at least work 20 hours per week and have my own class,as it turns out ,as of last week ,they only had 10 people registered so the other RN is the teacher but she wants me to come on board so she is going to share her hours with me and maybe do our clinicals together because you can only have 8 in clinical. It is a start for mr, anyways. I know my husband would like me to help out more with the finances but I think this will be good for me. I have been lucky,in some ways, that I haven't worked since Mike's accident, except for about 1 month in Jan 2007, when I went back to work and my bossess son told me I wasn't the same person and wanted me to take a leave,with no assurance of getting my job back after the leave, so I resigned, I guess I was lucky because I didn't have any other pressures while I started this grieving process.But maybe it would've been better if I had worked. Oh well,It is what it is. Do you work outside the home? I will keep you in my prayers.

Patti-BigMikesMom

[bigmikesmom]

I think I just figured out how to post a pic. My son,Mike is the one with the flaf drapped around him. This is at the world cup in germany, the summer before the accident. Mike was so thankful we let him go, he said "Thanks for making my dream come true."

[bigmikesmom]

I am so glad, it worked, now I just have to figure out how to post a pic with my name. I will send another pic.Bear with me, my computer skills are not the best.

Patti-BigMikesMom

[iansmom]

Go to "My Account" then click on "Aviator", browse then download. Wonderful pics by the way. Be Blessed Iansmom, Faith

A pic of Ian and his niece, my grand daughter. . .

[fujismum]

Hi everyone,

I've just been catching up a bit.The new photos are just so lovely.To see Ian holding his little niece - it gives you a glimpse of the  lovely caring young man that he was and maybe what a wonderful father he would  have made.It' s always so lovely to see these  handsome young men showing their tender sides , but my gosh it does ache to miss them so.

Patti ,Big Mike looks  just so special, that wonderful smile and physique, and such a relaxed happy photo with the girls.Who are they? It is just so hard that death has taken away these gorgous young men from us, just when we had raised them through the tender years at home and the stresses of teenage years and tried to set them "free" on their way in life and loosen the apron strings a little.

Such tragedies every one of them.

I know we were so blessed and privileged to have them in our lives for the time we did, but now the unthinkable has happened and it issovery hard to come to terms with it.

Lana-my husband and I were on an Alaskan cruise in Aug 06, and came home to have our last week with Jamie in our lives before he was killed. It was our first holiday away from our boys and felt like the start of a wonderful new phase in our lives, our boys happily set on their own lives although still living at home, trustworthy and responsible and now time for Mike and I to rediscover   special time in our own relationship again.I was truly happy. Maybe I was too happy. I even remember thinking that while we were away but quickly dismissed the thought.

But life sure did change after that.

Even now, when we go away ( and we've only managed a few  brief weekends away locally - can't face airports and don't like leaving Tim all alone) we both struggle to return home and it hits hard that Jamie is never here when we get back.In some perverse way we subconsciously think that maybe he will greet us when we get back, like it used to be. The same when Tim and Mike go away - they always go on a lads ski trip in January, I feel a huge wave of grief when they walk through the door on their return- without Jamie. My family never all come home. It never feels safe or cosy, nothing is ever OK or enjoyable. Just exist and try to get through another day.

We have our first big trip at Easter when Mike and I go skiing in Canada, leaving Tim for two weeks on his own.Right now I wish we weren't going,  hate leaving him alone so sad and empty and he doesn't want anyone to stay with him.And at 21 he really doesn't want to do a holiday with mum and dad.Also we've had so many fantastic family holidays skiing in Canada( Jamie was a snow boarder) I think it may be very hard to carry on with these holidays. But I love Canada so, I want to go back- secretly I would love to move there it is such a wonderful and beautiful country. Maybe the mountains and the snow will be healing to my soul.

I've gone on a bit - sorry.

Love Anne

[lagrangel]

Patti, what a handsome son. I have been working on my son's virtual memorial  and what a undertaking for someone who is not great at computers. I plan on adding as I learn more. I did not want to ask my son because he knows I am from the ice age concerning computers. We had the day off from school today because of the weather in Indiana so I worked on it some more today. I have enjoyed working on it and shed many tears but I feel it is a tribute to my son.

Faith, what a wonderful picture of Ian. All the pictures we shall treasure forever. I am glad that everyone shares their pictures it means so much to each and everyone of us.

Anne, I hope that sometime in the future you will be able to travel once again. I quess it is one way for my husband and I to escape the pain. We have noone at home. One is in college and the other is married. Our son in college comes home on the weekend but spends much time with his girlfriend, grandparents, works and sees us in between everything.  He always calls us about 2-3 times a day since his brother passed away because Brent would call us often. Both my boys have been wonderful and very supportive. I know they miss their brother and they have their days. My prayers are with you all. Lana

If anyone gets a chance I invite you to visit Brent's site at: 

http://Brent-LaGrange.virtual-memorials.com

[mikesmum]

Lana - Our children teaching us.......making a memorial site is part of my ongoing education since Mike left.  You are doing a wonderful job.   I found searching through many old photos rekindled so many memories, yes tears, but such love with it.

Take Care - Trudi

[lagrangel]

Trudi,  you are so right. I had many tears but it was so special to look at all the pictures and all the good memories. Thanks, Lana

[katant]

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Sounds like you found the place where grief and loss now fit with the idea of living.  I have done much reading. It seems to be the choice when I find myself emotionally house bound.  One message keeps coming thru.....Only when we face our own mortality can we truly begin the lives we have. 

Took some getting my head around that one,.....the problem was I have no issues with my mortality, just that of my children.....But really, to be true to Mike, Melissa & Steven I need to live each day, not just exist from day to day....

Hope the move back home has given you some strengths.  Did you find other work....I know the operating room was a constant trigger for you......

Thought with you, blessings to Anthony...another angel taken too soon...

Trudi

[bigmikesmom]

kathy, I am happy for you. You sound do much better. No suicide is not the way to go. I could never do that to my other son and husband, my family. They would have so much more pain and it would be caused by me. I know where you have bee.I am right with you and everyone else on this BI. Cosmotology sounds great. I told you I am starting my teaching job but I was thinking like you, do I want to continue working as a nurse. I was just thinking, maybe I could open a kennel. I love animals. I often thought I should have been a vet but back when I started women didn't have as many options as they do today. We have a barn and I could put a concrete floor in it. It's just a thought but AT LEAST Iam thinking of going forward and not just existing. I ,too would love to meet Claudia and do some missionary work someday.Our church has a sister parish in ELSALVADOR.Some people from our church take a pilgramage there every year in Feb. Your son,anthony is so handsome. God Bless!

Faith, Ian is so handsome also. Thanks for telling me how to add his pic on my post.

Trish, where are you? I miss talking to you. Did you get my e-mails?

Lana,Trudy, Anne, Thanks for your kind comments about Mike. It means alot.

I hope I did not forget anyone, if I did it was not intentional. I need all of you! God Bless all of you!

Patti-BigMikesMom

[bigmikesmom]

Lana, I forgot to tell you in my previous post that I signed Brent's guestbook. You are doing a beautiful job with his memorial site. Brent looks so handsome and like he was so much fun.

Patti

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Much better, sounds like a real plan!  Travel...now that is something I will be tackling once the dust settles over my hassles with the EMD company!

Faith - thank you so much for visiting Micheals site.  I clicked Ians picture which took me directly to his site......I have been before, but I read all the posting re the accident etc......It never ceases to amaze me how one person can walk away from the carnage that took the lives of so many, both physically and emotionally. 

We had one in town last year.....a trip to McDonalds for burgers saw a young buck, not drunk, just inexperienced, hit a tree. The lives of two beautiful young girls gone in a heartbeat.  One was his girlfriend.  The other male survived, but remains in intense rehab due to horrific injuries.....Police are still yet to charge this young man with an offence. 

Ians life played out on the memorial is a testament to his family and those whose lives he touches still.

Blessed be -  I truly believe in what goes around, comes around......

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Kathy.  HUGS back to you, girlfriend.  I took cosmetology classes way back when I was in high school.  Even though I didn't make it my life's work afterward, I learned how to do fantastic hair, nails and make-up.  I used to occasionally trim my own heair, in between professional cuts, and I do color my own. (It's so expensive, a good color, cut, etc.)  Since I've been in Ecuador I have gone back to doing my own cuts, except for once whil erecently in the States.  I'm really glad I learned what i did and tucked it in my belt for rainy days.  I have a lot of them here..    That profession has potential to do very well if you enjoy it.  I hope you like it.  And maybe when you do come to Ecuador, you can give me a fantastic style. 

Patti, I love that picture of Big Mike at the World Cup.  I watched that on TV a couple of times, here in Ecuador, as the country was going literally insane about their team being in the Cup.  They lost out, but it was an exciting time here for sure.  I would have loved to go to Germany.  I was born there.  I've been back only once, when i was a teenager.  Perhaps again one day...

Love to you all, and glad we all got through V-Day!  Hugs, Claudia

[bigmikesmom]

Faith, I just lookes at Ian's memorial site. How beautiful. What a shame. I didn't realize yo had gone through a trial. I am sorry for that pain of enduring all of that. As you know I am still in that process. Supposedly, the trial is april23,24,25 but we shall see. This will make the 4th time it has been scheduled. Ian was so full of life. So good-looking etc. God Bless you, Faith.

Trudy, I haven't seen your Mike's site. what is the site for his. I would love to see it.

Patti-BigMikesMom

[Guest GavinsMom]

Dear Kathy,

Thanks for taking the step to share how you're feeling. This is my first visit to BI and so I'm feeling a little lost, but your words touched me and so I guess I'll start here.

We lost our 20 year old son on June 17, 2007. We have no reason for his death. The coroner has given us nothing. He just died in his sleep--a healthy, active, happy, wonderful young man who just went to sleep one night and didn't wake up the next morning. I still find it hard to accept.

I really do understand your pain in trying to get through Valentines day. January would have been Gavin's birthday--and also several other significant events in his life happened in January. I barely made it through the month. Here it is half way through February and I have no clue what happens to my days. I mostly just sit. This pain is greater and more all consuming than anything I've ever been through. How do you go on?

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and I grieve with you. I understand what it's like to miss someone so much you can barely breathe.

I'll keep a prayer in my heart for you--for all of us who had to say good-bye far too soon.

With love and understanding,

Gavin's Mom

[annie6]

Looks like I have a lot to learn. (I just posted, below, and ended up posting as a guest.) I want to reach out and heal. I want to be able to support others who are grieving. I want to know that I don't have to walk this road alone. My husband and daughter are both doing so well. My husband is involved in his work, my daughter is busy with her little boys and her photography and blogging--and I just sit and stare at the television or computer screen and hope that my life won't last too much longer.

I miss my boy! I miss his laugh and his beautiful smile. I miss the way he would reach out to me for no reason, in the middle of the day, just to let me know he was thinking about me, that he loved me.

I miss his beautiful strong body--watching him go out in his sea kayak or body surf or run. He was so full of life and joy. We used to hike together. We could hike for hours at talk about nothing or everything, just savoring the joy of being together. I miss my buddy.

I miss the hopes and dreams for his future. I wanted to meet the wonderful girl he would someday choose to spend his life with. I wanted to meet his future children--to teach them to love the mountains and the ocean, to love hiking with me, to love nature like their daddy and I did. I ache for these dreams that will never be realized.

I'm embarrassed that I'm not doing better. That I'm not moving forward the way my husband and daughter are. I'm embarrassed that my house is a mess, my laundry sits undone, my health is unattended. I'm ashamed that I'm not taking care of all that I used to. I miss my son. I miss who I once was when he was alive.

I'm embarrassed that all I've done here is whine. Hopefully, in time, I'll be a strength and support to others. I truly do want to bless and lift--not just feel sorry for myself. I hope you understand.

Thanks for listening,

GavinsMom