Loss of a Teenager

[antspop]

Hello everyone.  It's been a while since I posted anything.  Sometimes I can't bear to type anything down and sometimes my mind is just so foggy I can't even think of anything to type.  It will be 4 months this Saturday since Anthony went to heaven and I still find it hard to believe.  Anything and everything I do seems to remind me of him.  My wife told me the other day that even when she's not thinking about him, she's thinking about him.  Only we can understand what that means.  Some days are better than others and some are worse.  I hate going through the day having to put on my "I'm ok" mask and deal with people that have no idea what's going on.  And if that's not enough, Christmas is less than three weeks away.  The most wonderful time of the year.  HA!!!  To be honest I'm not particularly looking forward to Christmas this year.  My family did go out last week to the same place we've been going to for years and cut our tree down.  Wasn't much fun.  It was terribly difficult without Ant there, especially when we gathered around the tree for our yearly picture.  Just the three of us instead of four.  Even the Christmas music on the radio doesn't help.  I remember when I couldn't wait for the songs to play.  Ant was the same way.  Not this year.  I wish I could skip right over December and part of January but I know that's not going to happen.

Thanksgiving was ok.  I said the prayer as I always do every year.  This year was much more difficult finding words to say how thankful I am.  But I am.  We did have something nice happen to us the day after Thanksgiving.  My friend's mother is clairvoiant and she stopped by to visit.  She asked us if Anthony ever received a toy sailboat as a gift.  Ant wasn't into boats and I couldn't remember him ever getting one from us or anyone else.  She said before she came over she asked Anthony (and her guides) to give her a sign to bring to us and they showed her a young boy holding a toy sailboat.  At the end of the evening as my wife and I were walking her to the door we were trying to remember this whole sailboat thing and my wife suddenly remembered the lapel pin my uncle gave to me on Thanksgiving.  I wasn't wearing it at the time and ran upstairs to where it was.  I was thinking one dimensional.  The lapel pin never crossed my mind.  I'm so glad my wife remembered.  I'm so happy to see that Ant can see what is going on and can find a way to show us that.

My older son Danny had to take the semester off from college because he was finding it hard to concentrate.  I can't blame him for that.  I just hope he does go back.  I have no idea what he's going through.  I feel so bad for him.  My wife and I still have one son physically here, he lost his only brother.  It's just so unfair.  They were getting to be real close.  They use to fight and argue like brothers do, but they were "hanging out" more often and being more "civilized" to each other.  They even hung out with the same friends.  He still has alot of those friends call him and visit with him and us, but they'll never know what it is he's going through now nor do I hope any of them ever do.

I guess I should go.  I think I've typed enough.  In case I don't post again I hope everyone has a good Christmas.  Take care and be well.  May God bless you and keep you!!  Love to ALL.  John C.

[wyomingsal]

Kathy,

Know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the strength to say what your really want to say today.  Sending you hugs across the miles.

Sal

[jordansproudmom]

I don't know if I should congraulate you or cry? At least for 10 years she can't do this to anyone else. It's never enough. I'm in California. I doubt the girl that killed my son will get much. The judge we have is very hard. She does sentence heavy. That and the D.A.'s on the case have made me feel a little better. Some families don't even fight for any sort of justice. We told the D.A. we are in for the long haul.  I am dreading this going to trial. It feels like a wound being ripped open everytime we go. I am so glad Anthony's friends and family showed up. Did they let each person have a minute to speak? I think we will flood the courtroom as well. The girl who killed my son is only 21. The judge also told us we will have more justice with a civil suit. The people that owned the vehicle the girl was driving own the property where he died. From what I am told the keys were left in the Rhino (atv). I want to have hope but it's so hard. I am glad at least this part is over for you. I am praying for you to have lots of rest.

Thinking of you tonight...

Simone

 

[user=16461]katant[/user] wrote:

Well today was the Sentening and she tried to use her kids as a reason not to got to jail.  She should have thought about that before she got drunk, got high, hide drunks up her vagina to hide them and she wants sympathy.

The Judge did not take it.  He said she should have thought about that and she must pay for her crime.

15 years - 10 to serve

5 years probation

restitution

Is it Justice?  I guess for the justice system.  Will it bring my son back no.  But it's something.  It was good see watch her handcuffed and taken away.

I'm happy, i'm sad, i'm exahausted and I know Anthony is smiling down and wow a packed courtroom I think the Judge was not prepared for.  We filled every seat.

I am so proud of those kids.  The Judge took time to actually talk to them, make the right decisions, etc.

But she is in jail and thank god.  Anthony I hope your happy, I hope this gives you some peace....I love you and going to bed now.  I love you SOOOOOOOOOOO much.

love moms

kathy

[loveyoujustin]

KATHY:  ARE THERE REALLY ANY WORDS!  I'M SURE ANTHONY IS SO PROUD OF YOU, AND THANKFUL FOR YOUR PERSERVERANCE AND STRENGTH.  NOW THAT THAT "DIMENSION" OF YOUR HEARTACHE  IS OVER, MAYBE YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF, AND FINDING SOME KIND OF PEACE, IF THERE IS ANY.  I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH WORDS, OR ADVICE.  THIS IS ALL STILL SO UNREAL TO ME, BUT I GUESS I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I FEEL A LITTLE BIT OF CALM, OR COMFORT FOR YOU.  I KNOW HOW YOU WERE SO PAINFULLY AND ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THIS DAY.  MY HOPE IS THAT YOU ARE CONSOLED IN THE SMALLEST OF WAYS BY THE OUTCOME.  YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY THOUGHTS.

SIMONE:  I AM NOT REALLY AWARE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SON, BUT I  FEEL YOUR DEEP SORROWFULNESS.  I HAVEN'T POSTED IN A WHILE UNTIL THIS WEEK, BUT I DO READ THE POSTS.  MY SON WAS IN A SINGLE VEHICLE ACCIDENT, AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE CAR, SO I CANNOT SAY I KNOW HOW IT FEELS IN THAT RESPECT, BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS:  WE WERE STRIPPED OF OUR BELOVED CHILDREN, AND I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY.  WHY IS IT THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE CHOSEN TO LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT THEIR CHILD IN IT.  LIKE I SAID, IT'S NEW TO ME, ONLY FOUR MONTHS, SO I CANNOT BE VERY UPLIFTING.  BUT, I FIND COMFORT IN KNOWING I AM NOT ALONE.  HERE WE CAN SAY WHAT WE TRULY FEEL, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE PAIN.  I WILL CONTINUE TO WISH FOR YOU WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WISH FOR FOR THIS PERSON WHO MADE THE WRONG DECISION THAT TOOK YOUR SON FROM THIS WORLD.  WE ARE ALL HERE FOR EACH OTHER.

PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL.  OUR BOYS ARE "ALWAYS WITH US"     TRISH

GOOD NIGHT JUSTIN.  I LOVE YOU. NOBODY LOVES YOU MORE THAT YOUR MOTHER!

[mamabets]

For Kathy~ There are no words, yet my heart is filled with so much...You know, you know... If just ONE MORE SICK PERSON, that has available to him/her, free help to control this disease called addiction, gets OFF OF THE STREET, justice??? Maybe..

Bum deal for you?? Hell, YES...

Is Ant so very proud of his Mom?? We all know the answer to that!!

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo

[iansmom]

Kathy, I'm glad that that part is finally over for you. It was long and drawn out but at least you got a good judge. 15 years doesn't seem like much when you look at the loss of your child. I've seen your son's memorial in the past and he seemed like an awesome person. I cried at the thought of such a loss, he seemed somewhat like my son. There is no compensation for such a loss. I think that chick should have gotten a million years... and so should Braxton Leblanc that blatantly took the life of my son. I don't speak out as well as ya'll do, but I gotta tell ya. It doesn't get easier, at least not yet. I loss my Ian 3-2-06, he just turned 18 Jan. 28th. Braxton went to prison maybe a month ago, he was put in a jail cell by himself for a few months thinking we wouldn't figure out that he was being protected. Some hard labor charge when all he does is eat and sleep and get fat. Braxton took 3 lives and they sentenced him 5 years mandatory after I fought the original sentence, the rest of the years mean nothing to me unless they're served. Some of these Louisiana judges should be striped of their robes and their pension striped as well. This "Let the good times roll" attitude really sucks when drinking and driving is protected by the judges. And the drunk driver is treated like the victim by the judge, "Poor drunk driver, it's not your fault that you killed 3 people, you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing. Oh, they were your friends? Poor drunk driver, you lost your friends. Lets not be too harsh, he was drunk and underage. We can't let this ruin his life (slap on the wrist) now you won't do that again will you (fingers crossed and hidden behind his back) Shame on you, you parents that loss your children, the drunk driver is a victim too, you need to get over it and move on with your lives. Poor drunk driver, lets throw out the law book that says you must serve five years, I'm the judge and I say all you have to serve is one year mandatory sentencing for each friend you killed."

Sorry for the dramatization but it just turns my stomach every time I think about how crass that judge was. It’s judges like him that keep crippling our towns and nation. Judges that think they are there to make up the law as they go rather than uphold the law.

Kathy, I hope you have an especially good nights sleep, and I do pray the battle is over for you in this part at least.

Iansmom

Faith

[iansmom]

Sorry, had a double hit...

 

Ian'smom

Faith

[jordansproudmom]

I lost my cousin when he was 17 and I was 19. His name was Justin. So, here I am 17 years later having lost my son as well. It's weird. The same family twice. I don't get it. So, I always have a soft spot for those boys with the name Justin.  I always look at your Justin's pic.  He is so cute. Like he knows a secret. Just something about the expression on his face. What a doll! I read some of the other posts parents have posted on here and some women have lost 2 children or more. That scares me. I know that is normal. My 15 yr old collapsed the other night. He lives with his father and I got that call that I never expected. God my only living child! We went to the hospital and he was litterly green! He did not look good. Turns out he had taken a pill one of his friends gave him. He said it would make him sleep. Well, it scared the crap out of him. And us too. His dad talked to him and I did too that night. He is fine. When I picked him up the next day...his color was back. His cheeks were pink, his eyes beautiful blue green. He looked better. He was very remorseful and apologized to me. He has a girlfriend who was very upset he did this. He really cares about her. She has kept him from going out and using his grief to destroy himself. I believe she is a godsend. Yes, I know puppy love but she is good for him at this point. He would be numbing his pain if it wasn't for her. She is very against drinking and drugs. She is a very focused young lady who raises horses.

I love the part of your post that said you wish for whatever I wish for the girl who killed my son.  That is a true friend. That bond that we share that no one else understands.  Even some of my own family were telling me I needed to forgive the girl who got into this ATV with my beautiful son and was drunk and on coke (9 months out of rehab) and killed my son instantly. For you to not know me and tell me that, shows that me how we are all bound by that common thread.  I hope you are sleeping well and dreaming about handsome Justin.

Simone

 

[user=18188]loveyoujustin[/user] wrote:

KATHY:  ARE THERE REALLY ANY WORDS!  I'M SURE ANTHONY IS SO PROUD OF YOU, AND THANKFUL FOR YOUR PERSERVERANCE AND STRENGTH.  NOW THAT THAT "DIMENSION" OF YOUR HEARTACHE  IS OVER, MAYBE YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF, AND FINDING SOME KIND OF PEACE, IF THERE IS ANY.  I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH WORDS, OR ADVICE.  THIS IS ALL STILL SO UNREAL TO ME, BUT I GUESS I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I FEEL A LITTLE BIT OF CALM, OR COMFORT FOR YOU.  I KNOW HOW YOU WERE SO PAINFULLY AND ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THIS DAY.  MY HOPE IS THAT YOU ARE CONSOLED IN THE SMALLEST OF WAYS BY THE OUTCOME.  YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY THOUGHTS.

SIMONE:  I AM NOT REALLY AWARE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SON, BUT I  FEEL YOUR DEEP SORROWFULNESS.  I HAVEN'T POSTED IN A WHILE UNTIL THIS WEEK, BUT I DO READ THE POSTS.  MY SON WAS IN A SINGLE VEHICLE ACCIDENT, AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE CAR, SO I CANNOT SAY I KNOW HOW IT FEELS IN THAT RESPECT, BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS:  WE WERE STRIPPED OF OUR BELOVED CHILDREN, AND I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY.  WHY IS IT THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE CHOSEN TO LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT THEIR CHILD IN IT.  LIKE I SAID, IT'S NEW TO ME, ONLY FOUR MONTHS, SO I CANNOT BE VERY UPLIFTING.  BUT, I FIND COMFORT IN KNOWING I AM NOT ALONE.  HERE WE CAN SAY WHAT WE TRULY FEEL, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE PAIN.  I WILL CONTINUE TO WISH FOR YOU WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WISH FOR FOR THIS PERSON WHO MADE THE WRONG DECISION THAT TOOK YOUR SON FROM THIS WORLD.  WE ARE ALL HERE FOR EACH OTHER.

PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL.  OUR BOYS ARE "ALWAYS WITH US"     TRISH

GOOD NIGHT JUSTIN.  I LOVE YOU. NOBODY LOVES YOU MORE THAT YOUR MOTHER!

[mikesmum]

Kathy - you are right, it won't bring Anthony back, it won't stop your heart breaking, but it may just make enough of a ripple to prevent the next one getting behind the wheel.   Keep the pressure on the press to run with this as an ongoing story to highlight the needless preventable losses.

No amount of years behind bars is equatible to a life, anyones and definitely not your sons.

May you rest easy knowing you have honoured your sons memory in such away that others may also benefit.

Thinking of you - Blessed be

[jordansproudmom]

That is exactly how I feel! They have given this stupid 21 yr old girl all of the rights and none to my dead son. I have been told being California only makes it worse. But it sounds like it's the same all over! The D.A. told me that IF (more then likely it will) goes to trial...the defense will fill the jury with males because they will feel sorry for this young, attractive 21 yr old girl. WTF???!! That made me sick. And I am supposed to sleep at night knowing this? Nearly 12 pigs who can only think with their head downstairs??? How unfair is that? God please do not let that happen. There is no justice for our children that could ever make us feel better. I don't hate Bonnie Prendergast (the stupid drunk, cokehead who murdered my son) but I do want her to suffer. She has been in jail since she took my sons life but I want her ass to go to prison. She is only 21, think blonde somewhat attractive barbie-ish girl...the mean mama's in prison will eat her ass alive. That does make me feel a little better. I sure don't sound very Christian like. Okay fine! I am venting! But, she should have considered her future when she got on that ATV effed up out of her mind and took off with a 17 year old boy down a hill. Okay that's enough. I am going to watch 20/20. Good night all of the mommies of beautiful babies who are in a better place!

 

[user=15923]iansmom[/user] wrote:

Kathy, I'm glad that that part is finally over for you. It was long and drawn out but at least you got a good judge. 15 years doesn't seem like much when you look at the loss of your child. I've seen your son's memorial in the past and he seemed like an awesome person. I cried at the thought of such a loss, he seemed somewhat like my son. There is no compensation for such a loss. I think that chick should have gotten a million years... and so should Braxton Leblanc that blatantly took the life of my son. I don't speak out as well as ya'll do, but I gotta tell ya. It doesn't get easier, at least not yet. I loss my Ian 3-2-06, he just turned 18 Jan. 28th. Braxton went to prison maybe a month ago, he was put in a jail cell by himself for a few months thinking we wouldn't figure out that he was being protected. Some hard labor charge when all he does is eat and sleep and get fat. Braxton took 3 lives and they sentenced him 5 years mandatory after I fought the original sentence, the rest of the years mean nothing to me unless they're served. Some of these Louisiana judges should be striped of their robes and their pension striped as well. This "Let the good times roll" attitude really sucks when drinking and driving is protected by the judges. And the drunk driver is treated like the victim by the judge, "Poor drunk driver, it's not your fault that you killed 3 people, you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing. Oh, they were your friends? Poor drunk driver, you lost your friends. Lets not be too harsh, he was drunk and underage. We can't let this ruin his life (slap on the wrist) now you won't do that again will you (fingers crossed and hidden behind his back) Shame on you, you parents that loss your children, the drunk driver is a victim too, you need to get over it and move on with your lives. Poor drunk driver, lets throw out the law book that says you must serve five years, I'm the judge and I say all you have to serve is one year mandatory sentencing for each friend you killed."

Sorry for the dramatization but it just turns my stomach every time I think about how crass that judge was. It’s judges like him that keep crippling our towns and nation. Judges that think they are there to make up the law as they go rather than uphold the law.

Kathy, I hope you have an especially good nights sleep, and I do pray the battle is over for you in this part at least.

Iansmom

Faith

[jjrmom]

Sorry to hear of another lost child. The laws and court systems all over need to be changed. Maybe  if they did something more people wont be killed. I live in Calif. and our case was postphoned so many times the DA was calling my son  by another name. The guy who killed my son attornory drilled my poor husband last Friday like he was he criminal. The guy even  had the nerve to ask what  the relationship of victim was to his dad. My son was just a innocent coming home when the ### hit him going ten miles the wrong way and 3 times the drunk limit. It is barely over a year now that he is gone. I miss him so much he died a day before my birthday.

[jordansproudmom]

Our case gets postponed every other freakin week! We haven't been to court in two weeks and we are going in on Monday. I will admit the D.A.'s so far have been pretty good. But it's early on. I take an 8x10 picture of Jordan with me every time. I want her to see his face when they drag her into court. Not to mention the judge and the D.A.  Is the guy that killed your son still in jail? I have the peace of knowing she won't kill anyone else and put them through the torture we are in. Unless they let her out. This is such a small town.  She is safer in jail. I have unresolved anger towards her drunk mother as well. Her kid is all jacked because her mother is a drunk as well. She won't stop going to Jordan's grave and I tell you it would feel so good to beat her until she passes out. God, that's awful. But, I can't say I wouldn't attack her if I saw her in public. Anyway...I am up way past my bedtime. I had a hard time tonight. I watched 20/20 and it was all about families who have lost children. It made me sad. Well, I hope you're getting some sleep. With the angels wrapping their wings around you.

 

[user=16928]jjrmom[/user] wrote:

Sorry to hear of another lost child. The laws and court systems all over need to be changed. Maybe  if they did something more people wont be killed. I live in Calif. and our case was postphoned so many times the DA was calling my son  by another name. The guy who killed my son attornory drilled my poor husband last Friday like he was he criminal. The guy even  had the nerve to ask what  the relationship of victim was to his dad. My son was just a innocent coming home when the ### hit him going ten miles the wrong way and 3 times the drunk limit. It is barely over a year now that he is gone. I miss him so much he died a day before my birthday.

[fujismum]

Kathy, I catch up later with news being the UK, but I was relieved when I read the sentence given and your feelings about it.I hope you can accept this  and that you will find some peace in your heart  now you know the outsome of the court case.Here in the UK I would say ( with only a brief understanding of our court system) that it it quite a long sentence compared to  similar cases here.By that I just mean, I think the judge has done his best to ensure the sentence is fair and as harsh as he is able to give.

I hope you manage to get some proper rest and sleep now the ordeal of the court case is behind you, and have space and  time to mourn your darling son Ant, with the knowledge that you did all you could and that some sort of earthly  justice has been done. God will take care of the rest.

God bless you Kathy  and all the other broken hearts on BI

Love Anne

[k8smum]

my heart goes out to all of you struggling with the legal system. while we lost our caitie to a 5-yr battle with leukemia, i also lost a nephew, 10 yrs old, some years ago. he and his brother, 12, were walking home from a school function (in the town they lived in) on a stormy, late-autumn evening when they were hit by a 16 yr old, unlicensed, uninsured, with no headlights and no working wipers.

geoff was taken off life support the next day; his brother, greg, spent months in hospital.

the 16-yr old was the nephew of a county sheriff and was sent to stay with family, supposedly to 'heal' from the horrible incident...there were no charges, no sentence, no punishment...nothing.

i hope he remembers every day what he did to my brother's family, but i have my doubts. there are people who seem to go thru life leaving a path of devastation behind them while remaining relatively unscathed themselves.

love and strength to us all,

annie

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/

[mikesmum]

For those who have lost their babies......no matter what their age........

[loveyoujustin]

HI SIMONE;  THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS.  WE ARE BOUND TOGETHER, AND I TRULY FEEL BECAUSE OF THAT, OUR BOYS ARE TOGETHER AS WELL.  AND THE TRUTH IS, WHILE I WOULD NEVER HURT ANOTHER, I DO WISH WHATEVER IT IS YOU WISH FOR, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN FEEL OUR PAIN UNTIL THEY WALK ONE STEP IN OUR SHOES. ONLY A PARENT CAN REALLY FEEL THE ACHE THAT WE DO WHEN OUR CHILD IS JUST STRIPPED AWAY FROM US.  THERE IS NO WAY TO DESCRIBE THIS PAIN.  IT WILL NEVER LESSEN, BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE THAT WE DO NOT REALLY HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE BUT TO TRY TO GO ON, AND LIVE FOR OUR OTHER CHILDREN, AND HONOR OUR CHILDREN WHO MAY NOT BE HERE WITH US PHYSICALLY, BUT WILL ALWAYS BE HERE WITH US IN SPIRIT AND LOVE.  I TOO HAVE A 14 YEAR OLD SON, I DO WORRY ABOUT HIM.  HE NEVER SPEAKS OF JUSTIN, UNLESS I BRING HIM UP FIRST. HE ALSO HAS A GIRLFRIEND, NEW SINCE THIS HAPPENED, BUT LIKE YOU SAID, PUPPY LOVE, YES, BUT A SUPPORT FOR THEM IN THEIR OWN YOUNG LIVES.  I CAN'T SAY "HAPPY" TO MEET YOU, BUT I CAN SAY, "WE'LL TRAVEL THIS ROAD TOGETHER" EVEN THOUGH WE'D RATHER NOT TRAVEL IT AT ALL.  WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE???? 

JJRMOM:  MY BEAUTIFUL SON'S FUNERAL WAS THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY, AND MY HUSBAND ASKED ME TO LOOK FOR THE TITLE TO HIS CAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.  I WENT TO THE SMALL "LOCKBOX" THAT I KEEP IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS IN AND I FOUND A BIRTHDAY CARD THAT JUSTIN HAD MADE FOR ME EXACTLY 10 YEARS EARLIER.  WHY I HAD KEPT THAT PARTICULAR  HOMEMADE CARD IN THE "LOCKBOX", ?????   FATE, DESTINY, A SIGN, AND LOVE BEYOND ANY EARTHLY REALMS, I SUPPOSE. 

HI TRUDI:  KEEP INSPIRING US!

FAITH:  THINKING OF YOU.

CLAUDIA:  MISS YOU, HOPE YOU'RE DOING OK, AND DON'T FORGET HOW MUCH WE NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PEACE, HOPE AND LOVE TO ALL.                     TRISH

GOOD NIGHT JUSTIN.  I MISS  YOU AND LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL.

[loveyoujustin]

HI ANNE AND ANNIE:  I CERTAINLY DID NOT MEAN TO LEAVE YOU OUT IN MY PREVIOUS POST.  I AM ALWAYS THINKING OF ALL OF MY FRIENDS AT BI, AND WISHING FOR PEACE OF SOME SORT FOR THEM.  IF IT WASN'T FOR ALL OF YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE.  NOBODY KNOWS "THIS ME" BUT YOU GUYS.

SIMONE:  IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU TALKED ABOUT JUSTIN'S EXPRESSION IN HIS PICTURE.  HE DID HAVE SOME KIND OF SECRET KNOWLEDGE.  I EVEN CAME ACROSS THIS BEAUTIFUL WRITING THAT I FRAMED AND HUNG ON MY WALL WITH SOME OF HIS PICTURES AND DRAWINGS.  MAYBE YOU ALL WILL FIND MEANING IN IT.  I TRY TO LIVE BY IT, BUT IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE, BUT I'LL KEEP TRYING.

 

[align=center]To Honor You

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.

And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile

And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,

I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,

And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,

Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light , my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.[/align]

[align=center]

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.[/align]

GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE.  LOVE TO ALL,   TRISH

[iansmom]

This is our son [shadow=darkred]Ian Allen James Brasseaux[/shadow]. His last journal page he wrote....Live every day like it's your last b/c one day it will be. I don't know about others but it benefits me because I have fun every day instead of anger or disappointment. His day came too quick, we miss you Ian, terribly, you live on in our hearts.

Ians niece had her 5th birthday celebration on Saturday and insisted that Uncle Ian would be there. She took a picture that I had laminated for her and placed it in her cake like a decoration. Uncle Ian was there, she couldn't have her party without him. Ian was like a second dad to them because their dad travels a lot with his work, so Ian was there for them a lot.

Iansmom, Faith

[iansmom]

sorry, didn't think it would show up that big,

Faith

[wyomingsal]

Ian was such a handsome young man.  I can tell he must have been so much fun to be around.  Thank you for sharing his picture. 

Sal

[marksmom]

Your son truly looks like he was a fun loving young man, I thank you for sharing his journal entry as that is such a correct saying and one we shouldn't take so lightly. I know that through losing our son I have adjusted my priorities and now things that used to be important are not and although my family was alway my first priority and now many times choose on the spur of the moment to do something with my boys just because I felt like it and wanted to because we never do know when our last chance to do or say something with those we love will come.

Take care, Roxy (Marksmomforever)

[loveyoujustin]

HI EVERYONE,  UUUGGGHHH, THIS IS SUCH A STRUGGLE.  FAITH, IAN MUST HAVE BEEN SO MUCH FUN.  IT SEEMS THAT HE AND MY JUSTIN WOULD HAVE REALLY GOTTEN ALONG, THEY HAD MUCH OF THE SAME VIEWS ON LIFE.  VERY, VERY HANDSOME BOY!!!

HI MARKSMOM, ROXY, IT COMFORTS ME TO SEE THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE LEFT FOR A WHILE RETURN.  SOMETIMES I JUST READ THE POSTS, BUT DON'T WRITE.  AT TIMES IT IS JUST SO VERY OVERWHELMING.  I KNOW THAT THE WONDERFUL SOULS I'VE MET HERE ARE THE INSPIRATION AND MOTIVATION FOR ME TO TRY TO KEEP GOING, AS PAINFUL AS IT IS, EVERY SINGLE DAY.  IT'S JUST A WAY OF LIFE NOW, LIVING WITH THE PAIN, IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.  YESTERDAY WAS 4 MONTHS, AND I WAS THINKING THAT THERE HAS NOT BEEN ONE SINGLE DAY WITHOUT TEARS.  SOMEDAYS ALOT MORE THAN OTHERS, BUT IS IT POSSIBLE TO CRY EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS.  I THINK IT WILL BE SO.  I'M THINKING ABOUT SUPPORT GROUPS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS, EVEN THOUGH MY HUSBAND AND I ARE IN THERAPY, BUT I DON'T THINK I'M READY YET.  SOMEDAY SOON.  I THANK GOD I HAVE ALL OF YOU.  I FEEL YOUR PAIN, AND WISH YOU ALL PEACE.

GOOD NIGHT JUSTIN.  I LOVE YOU.  NOBODY LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.(I USED TO TELL HIM THAT ALL THE TIME.)

ps:::  CLAUDIA, MISSING YOU AND HOPE YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.  I KNOW YOU ARE.  CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR UPLIFTING WORDS, AND TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR "trip back>"    LOVE YOU.

[jordansproudmom]

I loved that poem! I posted it on Myspace.  I had to corect people that I was not the one who wrote it. How you're doing as well as you can.

[jordansproudmom]

My son's girlfriend seems to be helping him. He brings up Jordan but not too often. I know it's hard. Hope you're doing ok. Sweet dreams.

[user=18188]loveyoujustin[/user] wrote:

HI SIMONE;  THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS.  WE ARE BOUND TOGETHER, AND I TRULY FEEL BECAUSE OF THAT, OUR BOYS ARE TOGETHER AS WELL.  AND THE TRUTH IS, WHILE I WOULD NEVER HURT ANOTHER, I DO WISH WHATEVER IT IS YOU WISH FOR, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN FEEL OUR PAIN UNTIL THEY WALK ONE STEP IN OUR SHOES. ONLY A PARENT CAN REALLY FEEL THE ACHE THAT WE DO WHEN OUR CHILD IS JUST STRIPPED AWAY FROM US.  THERE IS NO WAY TO DESCRIBE THIS PAIN.  IT WILL NEVER LESSEN, BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE THAT WE DO NOT REALLY HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE BUT TO TRY TO GO ON, AND LIVE FOR OUR OTHER CHILDREN, AND HONOR OUR CHILDREN WHO MAY NOT BE HERE WITH US PHYSICALLY, BUT WILL ALWAYS BE HERE WITH US IN SPIRIT AND LOVE.  I TOO HAVE A 14 YEAR OLD SON, I DO WORRY ABOUT HIM.  HE NEVER SPEAKS OF JUSTIN, UNLESS I BRING HIM UP FIRST. HE ALSO HAS A GIRLFRIEND, NEW SINCE THIS HAPPENED, BUT LIKE YOU SAID, PUPPY LOVE, YES, BUT A SUPPORT FOR THEM IN THEIR OWN YOUNG LIVES.  I CAN'T SAY "HAPPY" TO MEET YOU, BUT I CAN SAY, "WE'LL TRAVEL THIS ROAD TOGETHER" EVEN THOUGH WE'D RATHER NOT TRAVEL IT AT ALL.  WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE???? 

JJRMOM:  MY BEAUTIFUL SON'S FUNERAL WAS THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY, AND MY HUSBAND ASKED ME TO LOOK FOR THE TITLE TO HIS CAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.  I WENT TO THE SMALL "LOCKBOX" THAT I KEEP IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS IN AND I FOUND A BIRTHDAY CARD THAT JUSTIN HAD MADE FOR ME EXACTLY 10 YEARS EARLIER.  WHY I HAD KEPT THAT PARTICULAR  HOMEMADE CARD IN THE "LOCKBOX", ?????   FATE, DESTINY, A SIGN, AND LOVE BEYOND ANY EARTHLY REALMS, I SUPPOSE. 

HI TRUDI:  KEEP INSPIRING US!

FAITH:  THINKING OF YOU.

CLAUDIA:  MISS YOU, HOPE YOU'RE DOING OK, AND DON'T FORGET HOW MUCH WE NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PEACE, HOPE AND LOVE TO ALL.                     TRISH

GOOD NIGHT JUSTIN.  I MISS  YOU AND LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL.

[fujismum]

I guess many of us have huge worries about our remaining children and how they are dealing with their loss. Trish, I think it's great that your son has a girlfriend who may help him talk and share, or at least give him hugs and understanding.

 My son Tim  is 21 and lives with us, Jamie was his very best friend.He cannot speak of his loss, but he did organise a huge music festival on the first anniversary of Jamie's death, in a lake side lodge  setting with live music, an auction and a balloon release.Tim played in one of the bands, performing music was a huge part of both their lives.He set up a quiet room with videos and powerpoints of Jamie's life, and a book to write in.That room was full all evening as people of all ages sat and enjoyed knowing more about Jamie,cried and wrote memories in the book. Tim stood up at that event and spoke movinigly of the love he had for his brother in front of hundreds of people.. Yet on a one to one he tends to gloss over his pain, resists all offers of help and throws himself into his work. That evening he raised over £8000 ( English pounds) for the Road Victims Trust a charity that supports families in our area who have lost a loved one in a road accident.

I so wish he had a girlfriend or even a close mate, but he seems to have regressed and spends most of his time at home quietly playing computer games or his music like a young teen. He's very independent,never been one to let me hug him and he doesn't confide in me much although we all love each other so much.Jamie was the one who always gave me bear hugs and told me he loved me. Funny how two boys raised the same way can be so different! How I miss those hugs and I love yous from Jamie, who let me in to his life and shared so much with me.

I don't know how we bear this constant pain. Knowing you are all there and understand , even though you are all so far away- it does help.Knowing others are surviving the pain,however hard- gives me the strength and helps me not feel so alone. I know many many others read the posts but are unable to write, as we all do at times- we are all here for each other.

Love to all Anne

Miss you Claudia- get to a computer soon please!

[fujismum]

Faith, Ian looks such a character- so fresh and young and full of fun. You must be so very proud of him. And that last diary entry - WOW. What profound words, they surely must comfort you.What a deep thinker. I am truly amazed at his words.

Anne X

[iansmom]

Thanks, I think he was handsome too, so did the girls. He was a lot of fun. He was loved by all generations. I don't know about the teens in other area’s but here in New Iberia teens didn't mix well with the toddlers or with the elderly. It wasn't kool. Ian didn't care about all that, he loved little kids and he loved the elderly. We had an open invitation for Ian's birthday in the city park where a tree was planted in Ians memory. An older lady that I had never met before came to me explaining how she knew Ian. Ian came into the convince store the day she started working there and started up a conversation with her. She didn't know what to make of it at first but he became her friend. She said she never met a teen that didn't mind being friendly with an elderly woman, cutting up so much that they had little things that they would pick at each other about regularly. It was their personal pick and tease issue. Then she tells me that a friend of hers (same age or so) had a dollar bill that was folded in a special way that she kept in her purse/wallet that when she found out about the accident had showed it to her friend only to discover that he was her friend too. Ian had folded the dollar bill to look like something special so she kept it in her wallet.  I cried as she went on with her stories of my son and all she knew of him. I could tell you of the 89 year old woman that lives across the street from us that he loved and took care of when she was bed ridden from an operation, and the little kids that he played with and for the parades picked them up so they could see what was going on when his friends were busy catching beads. Yea, he was a really kool guy. Very much loved in our small to med. town of pop.73,000. There wasn't enough room at the funeral home for all his friends. I guess New Iberia thought he was fun to be around too. Thank you for all the awesome comments.

Iansmom, Faith

[jordansproudmom]

Hi Michelle,

I am still new to this site as well. Our sons were very close in age. Jordan's Heaven date was 10/20/07. He would have been 18 on 1/2/07.  Jordan died at the hands of a drunk driver. For me it's hard to get over when we have to go into court every few weeks. We have just started our legal journey. We want to make sure this girl cannot do this to another family. She got out of rehab on 02/07. Then she turns around and kills my son months later. They were on an ATV called a Rhino. Jordan and I were very close. I miss him horribly. Not a day went by that we did not talk. Our last time seeing eachother was amazing.  We talked for 2 hours. I kissed and hugged him and we told eachother we loved eachother. He even called me that Friday and told me he was leaving and he would call me when he got back. I told him I loved him and the next day he was gone.  My whole life changed. I can never be the same person I was.  I have a happy personality. I always have but there are moments when I want to just go home and lay on the couch. And then cry for an hour. Fighting depression is a full time job. When you feel it coming on you have to face it head on and not give into it. Some days are going to be better then others. Have you looked into any type of therapy?  I start a group therapy with a local Hospice group here. I think it will help. I tried a grief class at a church. But, no one in that group had lost a child. It just didn't help me. I left more sad then anything. Can't have that! This site has helped me alot. I would love to be your penpal. I hope you're doing okay.

 

[user=18575]chel4368[/user] wrote:

Hello, I'm new to this sight - my son is also named Justin, I miss him so much. I just have no idea how to pick up the pieces of my life without him, since he and my daughter were my life. Justin was killled in a car accident on 7/4/07. The worst day of my life. I'm so sorry for each an everyone of you for your loss. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated.

Michelle Mom to Justin (JD) 6/21/91 - 7//4/07

I miss you kiddo

[iansmom]

Looking at all the faces here on this site, all these handsome young men, all who had such bright futures - to be taken out by selfishness. When someone drives drunk, then that someone is selfish to me because they take no account into the lives that are affected by their actions. And then there are the drug users that fall into that same pit. It breaks my heart that yet another person has lost their life by the hand of stupidity.

Jamie who looks very athletic, he actually looks just like the son of a friend of mine though Daniel has red hair, he’s a really good baseball player. Jordan who looks like “The boy next door” and spends a lot of time on vidio games. Justin who seems like he’s everybody’s friend and who has all the jokes. Mark looks like those football players that would go far in life. And the young man from Casper looks like the little brother that follows you everywhere with a basket ball, football or soccer ball ready to get up a game. And more……. All these young men are precious and we’ll never get to know the person they would become because someone decided to be stupid. I don’t know for sure that they were all the same reason “drunk driver” but most of what I’ve read here is. I’m so very sorry for the loss of these fine young handsome men. It’s 21 months for us, it’s still hard, but I think I’ve learned how to put up a front because people just don’t understand unless they have walked this walk.

I think that maybe it’s the holidays that’s making the emotions stir up even more. I pray for those of you who are walking through all your firsts. I hope that it goes easy for you. Be Blessed.

Iansmom, Faith

[fujismum]

Michelle, we are all so sorry you have joined the club that no one wants to be in. Our hearts break for our selves and each other, but we can talk and share and listen- tell it how it is, and never pretend. We have a bond each to the other and I have found that  my most precious resource at this time of grief is another who has walked this way.

You are still in total shock I would imagine, and every moment is unbelievably painful. Don't expect anything of yourselves, don't try to look too far ahead, each day is enough to get through.Get support where you can, rest, be kind to yourselves.Exercise can really help, in those early days I walked and walked,it was my therapy.Whatever the weather, time of day or usually night, walk hard and fast. But do stay safe,not alone at night.

Read the posts on this site, we are surviving.It's not easy but we are getting through each day,week, month,years even.So will you. One of my favourite thoughts is "broken hearts still beat"Take courage and walk the journey with us. God bless you and your precious son Justin.

Anne

[antspop]

    Dear Michelle,

All I can say is that I am truly and deeply sorry for your loss.  I'm fairly new to this site as well.  My son Anthony died on August 15, 2007.  He celebrated his 16th birthday on July 24.  He was riding an ATV and lost control and hit a utility pole.  They say it was instant.  I don't know what I would do if I knew he was suffering when he crashed.  He was riding by himself at the time, not too far from my other son's girlfriend's house.  His friend found him about 5 minutes too late.  I don't know what kind of advice I can give.  I do pray and try to read the Bible and other books as often as I can.  I started a website for Anthony and put over 200 pictures on it.  I planted 3 trees.  I have a friend of mine designing a tattoo in memory of him.  I do all these things and my heart is still empty.  It's just so unfair.  There were so many things I (as a father) was suppose to teach him.  There were so many things he was suppose to experience.  Even though he doesn't know what sorrow, pain, or sadness is and he's with God it still hurts us here.  I wish you and your family well and I will keep you all and Justin in my thoughts and prayers.  With Love

John C.

[lagrangel]

I have not posted for awhile just trying to get through the first birthday (Dec. 11) and the first Christmas. I think about each and everyone on this journey and hope and pray that each and everyone gets through the holidays. I have been trying to keep myself very busy with the approaching holiday. Actually I am training for a mini marathon my first:shock: in May and I told my husband I am going to do it to honor Brent. It helps me to strive and do something for a purpose right now.  The last few weeks have been difficult but I just keep going.  I read everyones post and cry when I see new names added to our difficult journey. I think of the wonderful people at BI and the great things we are able to share with one another when we feel we have noone else to understand our grief. I know this will be a difficult time for others. I try to remember my other sons and how difficult a journey it has been for them and continue pushing on. My prayers are for each and everyone. 

Love you Brent!! My love and thoughts are always with you!!!!! Mom 

Love, Lana

[loveyoujustin]

HI EVERYONE.  I'M STILL STRUGGLING, BUT PUSHING THROUGH.  I'VE BEEN THINKING OF YOU LANA, AND KATHY, AS THE DATES ON THE CALENDAR COME AND GO.  SOMEBODY SAID TO ME TODAY, "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND KEEP GOING,"  MY REPLY WAS, "I DON'T KNOW HOW EITHER, BUT I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE."  THEN WHEN I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, IT ALL SEEMS LIKE A BIG BLUUURRRR TO ME.  I GUESS THAT'S HOW LIFE WILL BE FROM NOW ON.  SOMETIMES FOR A FEW SECONDS OR MINUTES, I DON'T THINK OF JUSTIN, AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I REMEMBER HE'S NOT HERE, (IN PHYSICAL FORM) AND I FEEL LIKE I COULD PHYSICALLY BE SICK.  I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN SUDDENLY HIT BY A GIANT TRUCK.  I HONESTLY DO NOT THINK I WILL FEEL ANY KIND OF TRUE HAPPINESS OR JOY IN ANYTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  THE WORST PART OF IT IS THAT MY OTHER CHILDREN HAVE TO LIVE WITH A MOTHER LIKE THAT.

I HOPE THAT EVERYONE IS "GETTING BY".  I THINK OF ALL OF YOU, ALL OF THE TIME.  I JUST HOPE THAT WE CAN ALL FIND SOME KIND OF PEACE IN LIFE.  I REACH OUT TO ALL OF YOU IN LOVE, WITH HOPES THAT YOU ARE COMFORTED IN SOME WAY DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.             ALWAYS,    TRISH

GOOD NIGHT JUSTIN.  EVERY HOUR, EVERY DAY, ALWAYS.  YOU ARE WITH ME.  I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY SOUL.   MOM

[fujismum]

Lana, you managed an incredibly difficult first - Brent's birthday.We found the first birthday much much harder than Christmas, I suppose because that day is exclusively about our child and they are not here to celebrate. So you survived, however painful and that is a huge achievement.

Trish, doing a mini marathon.Wow! I do admire you,such a positive thing to do in honour of Justin.I'm sure he will be at your side encouraging you, and maybe teasing you a bit too.I know exactly what you mean about the pain hitting like a truck, I had that such a lot at first.I imagined it like a giant heavy demolition ball swinging right in to my stomach whenever I thought of Jamie, my darling Jamie DEAD>

 - Wham.Took my breath away.Over and over. And chest pain, arm ache all the symptoms of a heart attack yet never keeling over like I thought I must surely do. Broken hearts are agony, physically and emotionally.

Now as Christmas approaches( our second without Jamie) I feel the familiar ache coming again across my chest.Anxiety, apprehension,fear, all the physical symptoms flooding back again because this is all so difficult.I guess that  means I must have had some sort of relief from the physical pain in recent months, but it sure is back now with a vengeance.

I put a small tree up and a few decorations, all low key.I have left all the special, traditional ornaments and momentos from past Christmases up in the attic.I can't face them and all the memories they bring back. Christmas now requires very little effort, no entertaining, hardly any shopping or frantic cleaning getting the house just perfect.None of that seems to matter now without Jamie.We will do our best for Tim but things have changed a lot.We just want to be home alone so that we don't have to pretend we are OK when we aren't.With time to quietly grieve and not have to put on a brave face or worst of all, make small talk.My parents are very upset about this and that has piled on yet more guilt. Nothing is easy.

Ants pop - how are you doing? Silly question, but just to say thinking of you too as you face your first Christmas.

Love to all

Anne

[fujismum]

Just indulge me as I share a photo of Jamie with his "princess" Beth taken a few weeks before he was killed. Beth is celebrating her 18th Birthday tomorrow without her darling boyfriend.They had been sweethearts for 3 years and she has been totally devastated by his death.We still see a lot of Beth and we support each other. She has been so brave and I love her like a daughter.

[loveyoujustin]

HI ANNE.  WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE!!!  I FEEL SO ANXIOUS WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN AND HOW THEY ARE FEELING AND COPING WITHOUT THEIR "FRIENDS" SHARING IN ALL THAT THEY DO.  IN THE BEGINNING, I WAS SO OUT OF IT, COMPLETELY NUMB AND IN SHOCK, THAT I DIDN'T, AND COULDN'T THINK AT ALL ABOUT HOW ANYBODY ELSE COULD POSSIBLY BE FEELING.  I DON'T THINK ANYONE COULD HAVE BEEN BROKEN MORE THAN ME, JUSTIN'S MOTHER.  NOW THAT A BIT OF THE NUMBNESS IS WEARING OFF, AND THE KIDS ARE ALL STILL COMING TO VISIT, I REALIZE HOW AWFULLY DIFFICULT THIS IS FOR THEM.  AFTERALL, THEY ARE JUST KIDS, AND THEIR COPING MECHANISMS REALLY AREN'T EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH LOSING A CLOSE FRIEND FOREVER.  JUSTIN'S BEST FRIEND IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME LATELY.  MY HEART BREAKS OVER AND OVER, PEICE BY PEICE, I'M NOT SURE THERE IS GOING TO BE ANYTHING LEFT.  DON'T YOU FEEL SO LUCK THAT YOUR SON KNEW WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO LOVE ANOTHER YOUNG PERSON, AND FEEL THAT LOVE BACK IN RETURN.  EVEN THOUGH JUSTIN AND HIS GIRLFRIEND OF A YEAR AND A HALF HAD BEEN BROKEN UP FOR A FEW MONTHS, I AM VERY CLOSE WITH HER AND HER FAMILY, AND SO VERY GRATEFUL THAT HE HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF "BEING TOTALLY IN LOVE."

I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE THE CREDIT FOR THE MINI MARATHON, BUT I HAVE TO BE HONEST AND TELL YOU THAT IT IS LANA, NOT I, WHO IS SO COURAGEOUS AND DETERMINED.  LANA HAS BEEN A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION FOR ME ON THIS JOURNEY THAT WE ARE TRAVELING ON TOGETHER.

ANTS POP:  JOHN:  YES, WE MISS YOU.  HOPE YOU RECEIVED MY E-MAIL.  PATIENTLY? WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.

LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL.

GOODNIGHT JUSTIN.  I LOVE YOU.  NOBODY LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.

WWW.JSWMEMORIALFUND.COM

[kcmsaunt]

Hi, I'm so sorry about the loss of your beautiful son. I lost my 16 year old nephew unexpectedly in February and our family is still in a state of shock. My brother (his father) has taken it worse than anyone in the family, and I could really relate to everything you have written in your posts. We have lost faith but are reading book after book struggling to find answers to WHY??? He was such a good kid and wonder why it seems that God takes the best ones home first.

Your son reminds me a lot of my nephew. I wanted to write to say that even though we are struggling with faith, I do know one thing, these children are still with us. We have had numerous signs, dreams, feelings that could not be a coincidence. I don't know why or have any way to explain it, but wanted to tell you that I hope you KNOW that he's with you. 

      

[lagrangel]

Trish,

   It's kind of strange Brent had a new girlfriend he was seeing before he left us but his old girlfriend of 2 years has stayed in touch with us and even goes and visits Brian all the time. They have became friends which is really ironic because Brian and her could never get along with her when Brent dated her. He will even get rides home with her on numerous occasions.  I know Trish this is a difficult for both of us since our sons received their angels wings within days of each other. I think you are doing better every day that you are here and especially when you see how many others have been affected by the loss of your son. It is such a hard roller coaster journey and it is difficult to see others hurting other than ourselves because it is such a consuming hurt. We have realized how many people Brent's life touched as time goes on. He always has fresh flowers about every two weeks since leaving his home on earth. I go to his grave an there are always flowers, cards, and whatever so I know he has touched so many lives. I am grateful to know how much he meant to his freinds.  I know Christmas will be hard for both of us but we will make it through another day.  Brian which is Brent's twin brother has been wonderful in helping me train for my marathon. It has brought us so much closer together. He is a tough trainer but he keeps saying just remember Mom you can do it for Brent and to push on.  My thoughts and prayers are with you since this will be our first Christmas without our sons but we both can push on and make it through this holiday.

Anne, your picture of your son and his girlfriend are beautiful. I know it is difficult for the young adults to have lost such a wonderful young man as your son. They will always remember him throughout their lives. I hope this Christmas is a little less painful as the first. You are in my prayers.

 Love Lana

Prayers to everyone at BI because it is such a difficult journey.

 

[antspop]

Here I am, 20 minutes past midnight on Christmas watching the midnight mass on TV.  I think I just have it on to feel something.  I'm not even listening to it.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas and I don't feel like Christmas.  This is our 1st without our younger son Anthony.  It really hurts when I talk to friends who have children in college that are home for the holidays.  Their families complete.  Mine missing my son.  He never had a chance to experience college.  He never even finished high school.  He was only 16 for just 3 weeks.  He never had a chance to fall in love with someone.  He never even had a chance to get his driver's permit.  We were suppose to do that after summer ended.  This use to be the best time of the year for me.  This year it's not.  It's going to be different from now on.  Ant really loved Christmas.  Not only because of the presents (even though his lists were just a little longer every year).  He loved getting together with the rest of the family; the food, the games, my siblings and me talking about what Christmas was like for us when we were kids.  It will never be the same again.  I hope and pray that it will get better.  I hope my older son, when he has his own family, will remember all the good Christmases we had with Anthony and that he tells his children all the good times he and his brother had together.

Helpless has a whole new meaning for me now.  As a man and especially as a father I'm suppose to be the protector.  We're suppose to be there for our children when they need protecting.  As a parent you don't think about the death of your children.  It's not natural for them to go before us.  I always thought about me dying and what would my sons do without me.  Never the other way around.  The day I got the call from my wife about Anthony's accident I felt like my hands were tied to my side and I couldn't even move them.  I was about 20 minutes from home and made it in 10 and it still wasn't enough.  That day will be etched into my brain for the rest of my life.  And then when you think it can't get any worse you have to go to the hospital to identify him.  I will never again step foot in a morgue.  I'm trying so hard to keep his memory alive and I'm running out of ideas.  I have 2 memorial websites for him, I planted 3 trees in my yard, we had painting done of his face, I changed the plates on both my vehicles to read his nickname.  I'm just so scared that eventually I'm going to forget.  If that happens to me I don't know what I'll do.

Well it's after 1 now.  The mass is still going on but it's only a blur right now.  I guess I'll try and get some sleep.  Not looking forward to the morning.  Thanks for listening.  I'm so glad we have BI and all of you.  Good Night and God Bless all our children.  John C.

[loveyoujustin]

MY WISH FOR PEACE IN OUR HEARTS FOR ALL OF US SOMEDAY TO MY UNDERSTANDING FRIENDS AT BI. 

JOHN:  E-MAIL ME.  I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

JUSTIN:  I LOVE YOU FOREVER.  MERRY CHRISTMAS IN PARADISE!  YOU ARE IN MY HEART AND SOUL FOREVER AND EVER.  GOOD NIGHT.

[lagrangel]

John,

   I am sorry for your pain and loss of your son. It is a pain that is almost unbearable. My husband his name is John and I just made it through our first Christmas without our beloved son. You are so right we want to be our children protectors. It is going to be a different life without our children. I had always loved Christmas but this year not anymore.  My husband said the holidays just felt like we were just going through the motions. It was the true heartache of missing our son with all of the family during all the Christmas festivities that brought a flood of tears to my husband and I during the quite time of our days and evenings. Our lives will be changed forever and happiness I think will be different for all of us who has lost a child. I am sure your son will always remember his brother. We talked about Brent several times with our sons and how good of a boy he was and what a giving person he was. My husband and I did attended a support group for 8 weeks which really helped us. Does the ache go away NO but we were able to talk to others and had to do a few things that made each one of us come out of our comfort zone. I really liked being with other people that were going through the same feelings and issues that we had. You really feel a connection to others. We are all going to meet after the holidays to talk about how things went for all of us. BI is wonderful also but it was nice to be with others and talk in a group about our children.  I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you will always have the wonderful memories of your son. I know that does not help the hurt but I do thank God that I had my son for as long as I did. I know in my heart what a wonderful son I had and will cherish every picture and memory for as long as I live on this earth. I will look forward to the day God calls me home to see Brent once again. That is the hope and promise I live for everyday. I pray for you and your family for the long journey we all have each and every day. You are in my prayers, Lana

[iansmom]

What I'd like these people who drive drunk during the holidays to understand, who don't take into consideration, the FACT that when they mess up, they don't just mess up their lives, and they don't just end the life of our children, oh no.  They mess up the lives of everyone who's lives are touched by these kids.  The grandparents - my father who is a strong man hasn't been the same - the parents of course, the cousins, aunts and uncles and close friends who cry every time they see us.  Holidays are especially hard when people can't look you in the eye because if they do, they'll break which starts a chain of unhappy events.    We miss you Ian

[bigmikesmom]

what a beautiful young man. I will pray that everything at school and the memory book brings proudness and some joy to your heart.It will be a bitterweet event. I have found that when I have to go to something like that,as my son had many events like that that we attended,it was hard but oh the joy,when someone remembers and cares so much about your son to share with you and show the world how special your son is. God Bless you!

Patti -Bigmikesmom

[bigmikesmom]

Dear Anthonys mom-katant,

I am new on this forum. I am bigmikes mom, mike was 6'3'' and 200lbs an athlete on a soccer scholarship,killed instantly,although,was breathing at the site for 8 minutes. I am a nurse also and we were in the car behind my 2 sons, i feel blessed that I was there, although totally helpless, and both boys were trapped ,so I couldn't hug them. My counselor said I am suffering from severe depression but also PTSD-POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, but I am still thankful I was there. A drug addict(ALTHOUGH SOME HOW THE BLOOD TEST CAME BACK NEGATIVE, AFTER HE REFUSED THE URINE TEST AND HAD TO BE TAKEN TO THE hIGHWAY pATROL OFFICE AND THEN TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE BLOOD TEST,NO INSURANCE, EVERYONE IN TOWN TOLD ME ABOUT HIS ADDICTION TO CYRSTAL METH) also slammed into his car, t-boned him and tore his aorta. I wanted to ask how the trial was for you? but I don't understand your comment said the girl that hit your son died instantly but then you said she got 15 years????.Did your trial keep getting postponed. I have not attended any of the pre-trial hearings, the prosecutor said it wasn't necessary. Any advice on anything to do with getting through the trial and before the trial. Mike went to heaven on Thanksgiving day nov 23 ,2006. Thank you for anything you would like to share with me. God Bless you in this journey.

Patti-bigmikesmom

[jordansproudmom]

 Hi Patti,

My sons Heaven date was 10/20/07.  Our stories are somewhat simular.  My son was an amazinly loving boy who thought the world of me. A day never went by that he didn't call me. He was very dear to my heart.  Jordan was up in the mountians with family friends of his Uncle. His brother was also there. This 21 yr old girl decided she would take him out for a ride on a (Rhino an ATV) She was very drunk. Although I don't think Jordan knew that. His brother said she had a very ditzy personality. The vehicle flipped once on her side and then on his. He also died instantly from head injuries and was breathing for a few minutes as well.  An EMT told me that the brain will tell the heart to continue pumping and pushing air into the lungs. To me he probably bumped his head and that was it. He left this world and was with Jesus. His little brother watched him die.  I can't imagine losing my sister , let alone watching her draw her last breath.  People saw the girl doing coke quite a bit.  She ran from the scene of the accident and was picked up eating chips and salsa, 3 hours later. Her blood alcohol was still way over the leagal limit. The DA said they will add points to the number for every hour she was absent.  They drew blood from her as well.  You mentioned in your post that they did not do a urine test. Is urine more accurate then blood for detecting drugs? I have been to all of the court dates, we have a pre-lim on 1/11/08. She is being held on $75,000 bail, facing 4 accounts. One of them being manslaughter. I know we have a long road ahead of us. We are also considering civil suit against the owners of the property and the Rhino. Wittnesses had claimed that the keys were always in it. Dangerous and careless if you ask me. I want this girl to go to prison. She is this little blone barbie. Those girls in prison will eat her alive. Jordan's life was sacrafied so that this will not happend to another family. This girl got out of rehad Feb. 07 and killed my son 8 months later.  We will never have full justice for our sons, Patti. But we will have the hope of seeing them again. This site helps me know that I am not alone in my nightmare. Thank you for posting. I pray we get through these coming days. Knowing I have someone to talk to makes it a lot easier. 

Simone

 

[user=18955]bigmikesmom[/user] wrote:

Dear Anthonys mom-katant,

I am new on this forum. I am bigmikes mom, mike was 6'3'' and 200lbs an athlete on a soccer scholarship,killed instantly,although,was breathing at the site for 8 minutes. I am a nurse also and we were in the car behind my 2 sons, i feel blessed that I was there, although totally helpless, and both boys were trapped ,so I couldn't hug them. My counselor said I am suffering from severe depression but also PTSD-POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, but I am still thankful I was there. A drug addict(ALTHOUGH SOME HOW THE BLOOD TEST CAME BACK NEGATIVE, AFTER HE REFUSED THE URINE TEST AND HAD TO BE TAKEN TO THE hIGHWAY pATROL OFFICE AND THEN TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE BLOOD TEST,NO INSURANCE, EVERYONE IN TOWN TOLD ME ABOUT HIS ADDICTION TO CYRSTAL METH) also slammed into his car, t-boned him and tore his aorta. I wanted to ask how the trial was for you? but I don't understand your comment said the girl that hit your son died instantly but then you said she got 15 years????.Did your trial keep getting postponed. I have not attended any of the pre-trial hearings, the prosecutor said it wasn't necessary. Any advice on anything to do with getting through the trial and before the trial. Mike went to heaven on Thanksgiving day nov 23 ,2006. Thank you for anything you would like to share with me. God Bless you in this journey.

Patti-bigmikesmom

[fujismum]

Thank goodness Christmas is over.:dude:You will all know exactly what I mean. How can we have Christmas without our sons and daughters with us? Every thing about it is so hard.

This was our second without Jamie. Sorry to say it, but it was even harder than the first.No shock or numbness this time round. We tried to cope by changing things- avoiding the family get togethers and being quiet at home, going to a different church on Christmas eve,having Christmas dinner in the conservatory and not the dining room.No crackers- Jamie so loved his Christmas crackers.No stockings, just grown up stuff.We have all been very quiet, wrapped in our own pain.Tim -Jamie's brother has immersed himself in a new computer game and pretty much played on it for hours at a time. Visits to Jamie's grave, so touched to see others have been and left beautiful wreaths and decorations.It means so much.

John - I promise you you will NEVER forget or lose your memories of Ant.Please do not worry that this might happen,  despite your fears all your memories are there and stored ready to emerge as and when you need them.Right now your head is so full of grief and shock and pain there is little space to recall memories, but they are there and always will be.

To everyone on BI - you made it through another Christmas.We each know how hard it has been, we are surviving our worst nightmare, we are here for each other.

Much love   Anne

[bigmikesmom]

Dear Jordans mom, thanks for your reply. I am trying so hard not to let anger or revenge come into my heart. But, as you know sometimes it creeps in there. I don't want those negative feelings to overpower my grief and my grief work. I read a bible passage and it said "Leave revenge to God" but I know we both want justice and for this not to happen to anyone else's family. I do not think that urine is a better test, I just meant that Why would a person refuse to do this test if you had nothing to hide? also it took a few hours to get the blood sample with so much going on,and he admitted to smoking marijuana on the weekend 3days before, I would think that should show up in a blood test only 3 days after smoking it and it didn't. Many blood tests can be a result of a lab error. Oh WEll, I have to leave revenge to God, this battle is tough enough without  revenge so I will leave that emotion out of my journey, like I said-easier said than done sometimes but I am honestly trying. If you can  try too OK? WE WILL TRY TOGETHER.I am here for you anytime you need to talk. I have been on this grief journey a little while longer.The trial hasn't even started. They have had preliminary hearings where his attorney and the prosecutor get together and discuss his plea. He has pleaded not guilty each hearing. At one of the hearings they wanted to plea bargain so he could work and then go to jail at night for 6 months. We said no.It is so hard every time around one of those hearings, it brings up the anger and bitterness and I relive the accident.My family sisters, brothers,etc. are also very very angry so then they get me going but they are trying to help and voice their opinions.We have a motions hearing coming up Jan 15. It won't bring Mike back and I need to take care of myself and be strong and again "leave revenge to God" but I will fight for justice. He is not in jail, nothing yet because as I said his blood test came back negative so it is vehicular homicide not aggravated vehicular homicide at this point. How old was Jordan? I will pray for your whole family.I will walk this walk with you and all the others here on BI. I am thankful I found this site. God Bless everyone on this journey.

Love,

Bigmikesmom-Patti

[lisaloring]

I am new to the forum, this being my first post. I lost my 17 year old son November 3rd (yes, last month) in a horrific drunk driving accident. I am so exhausted mentally and physically that I am even unable to read through these posts right now. My pain seems to be growing every day. I miss him so much, and feel so alone in the world. I am sure so many of you can relate, and I hope in the near future I can read more about each of you and your losses, and maybe even form some bonds with other mamas who have lost their children way too soon.

I hope to share more about David very shortly, (I do have a Memorial page set up for him elsewhere) and become active in the forums....I am a talker, lol

David Robyn Loring May 27, 1990 to Nov. 3, 2007

see also http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com/

[loveyoujustin]

Wow, Where to begin.

Anne:  I've missed you.  i too am thrilled that christmas is over.  The first for me.  Honestly, it meant nothing.  I don't think it really did to my other children either.  I will never again take out any of my decorations, etc.  I put up a real fir tree, one that will be planted outside tomorrow, and purchased new ornaments, all in gold.  Candles, doves, butterflies, and gold balls, and white lights.  I called it my Justin tree, and put beautiful cross ornaments, and beautiful gold frames with recent pictures of Justin and also him with his brother and sister.  It was pretty.  But it's already come down.  That will be our Christmas from now on.  I think the days leading up to Christmas Day were actually harder than the day itself.  But I do have to say that I feel like I am starting to go backwards right now, instead of forward on this journey.  I am sure you all know exactly what I mean.

Claudia:  I miss you too.  Hopefully you'll be back real soon.  Obviously there are many who need your wisdom and encouragement for hope here.

Simone:  How are you doing.  I really feel for all of you who are in trials, etc.  I don't really know, but I am sure that this pain is so much more difficult to endure when there actually is another to blame, and the whole heartache is compounded by so many other painful events.  Please always keep talking and letting all of us know how everything is going.  We are the ones who feel your pain, and in no way judge you or any of your feelings and thoughts.

Patti:  BigMike'sMom:  I just realized that I responded to you on another post, and you responded back, and I never replies.  I am terribly sorry.  You can learn about my Justin at www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com. Please allow the video about 4 minutes to download.  You will find compassion and comfort here, as I've said, without any judgement, as we are all linked by our hearbreak.

Lisa:  Your son seems to be a very loved and lovable young man.  We will help the best we can, as we are all  mostly on a different path in this journey.  You will find friendship like no other here, and a love and understanding beyond words.  My beautiful son Justin has only been in paradise for four and a half months now, but if it were not for the loving, understanding and encouraging souls that I have found here on BI, I really am not sure where I would be.  My husband and I are in therapy, but I just said to him tonite that I think a support group, such as Compassionate Friends, or similar may help more, because there is not any person who can truly know how this feels, until they walk in our shoes.

Justin:  I am another day closer to you.  My heart aches so very much.  I miss you and love you more that any words can express.  Peace and Happiness in Paradise. I love you.  Good night!

[jordansproudmom]

Looking at David's face made me cry. Jordan used to shave his head.  My Jordan's Heaven date was 10/20/07. We are just days apart from having lost our sons and in the same way. I wish I could hug you. You are so not alone. But, I truly know how you feel.  I cried more today then I usually do.  I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him so much. It's sinking in everyday that will not be coming back. I have his pillow...I sleep with it every night. It still smells like him. He was living with his dad when this happened. But, we were so close. I am so sorry we have to meet this way. I want you to know I am hear. I will listen to you. This site has brought me a lot of comfort. We are not alone sweetie. I hope you are getting some rest.

Simone

 

[user=19011]lisaloring[/user] wrote:

I am new to the forum, this being my first post. I lost my 17 year old son November 3rd (yes, last month) in a horrific drunk driving accident. I am so exhausted mentally and physically that I am even unable to read through these posts right now. My pain seems to be growing every day. I miss him so much, and feel so alone in the world. I am sure so many of you can relate, and I hope in the near future I can read more about each of you and your losses, and maybe even form some bonds with other mamas who have lost their children way too soon.

I hope to share more about David very shortly, (I do have a Memorial page set up for him elsewhere) and become active in the forums....I am a talker, lol

David Robyn Loring May 27, 1990 to Nov. 3, 2007

see also http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com/