Loss of a Teenager

[lagrangel]

Trish, I wish I could give you a big hug today. I do understand where you are coming from. I actually felt the same way at one time about not caring if I continued on living. I even hoped I would get sick and die and be with Brent. The hurt is so intense and all you want is to be with your son and love him. It does'nt seem to matter about all the other people around you.  The last few days I have really been praying and asking the Lord to give me strength to honor my son and talk about Brent to others. Tonight I went shopping with a friend (first time out with a friend) who had Brent as a cadet teacher who loved him. We went shopping and had dinner. We had some funny stories to tell about Brent and I did get teary eyed and so did she but it was good. I was able to share so many things with her and how I missed Brent so much. I even laughed tonight and I told my husband Brent would be so proud of me. It even felt good to laugh once again.  It is still so very fresh to us and the pain is still so intense. You sometimes feel its still a bad dream and your going to wake up. I do feel work has helped me to keep me going everyday.  I know when I have time to myself thats when it can creep up on me. You are so right that everyone deals with grief in their own way. I did learn that through all this grief it is part of our healing process. If you get strong enough emotionally I think going to a local support group has helped give me a direction and hope. BI is wondrful and has helped me so much also. The group leader has given us direction and encouraged each one of us to get out of our comfort zone (my shell). Like this week we are bringing pictures and sharing about our loved ones. Oh yes I dreaded it when she said that, but now my husband and I are going to pick out a few pictures together. We even talked about one of his silly pictures with guitar picks over his eyes like he was wearing sunglasses because that was so Brent.. Trish you hang in there and don't give up the hardest fight of our lives. Lots of hugs to you tonight and the next day. We can make it another day..... All my love, Lana

[fujismum]

Trish, Lana, John and everyone.Your loss is so very fresh, you are still in complete shock and your head and heart is only just beginning to work our what has happened.Shock is like an anaesthetic.It protects us from the full brunt of the pain and thank God for that. As time goes by we have found that the shock gradually gives way to a deep and utter sadness.The pain still hits and often, I liken it to being hit in the stomach by a huge demolition ball.It can completely swipe me off my feet sometimes.In many ways a year plus on, the pain is harder to bear because we now have a sense of reality.We know what it is like to be without Jamie, we know that our family will never be complete again.We have experienced all the firsts, and the reality of every day.But don't be frightened by that, as alongside there are more coping mechanisms in place.We are learning to cope with this each day, we have realised we will survive, and we have to hope and trust that one day, however far off there will be a sense of joy and purpose in our lives again.But right now it is only right to feel life isn't worth living.We still battle with this everyday.What is the point of going on? We long to be with our lost ones, it would stop the pain wouldn't it? It's not suicidal, it stems from the desire to survive in a way. But I read here each day brings us a day nearer to being with our children again, I think of that as each new day begins.It helps me bear it.And get support- from other bereaved parents, not just at BI but at support groups.It is the most important help we can find.They know the pain, we don't even have to explain.And they give us hope that we can get through this- one day- some day. Much love Anne

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Trish,  I SO REMEMBER those exact feelings you are describing, the wanting to die so I can be with Joey.  Joey was so special to me.  I love my son patrick, very, very much, but he has always been more independent, more peaceful and quiet.  Joey lived loudly.  He always made hi presence known.  He was the one that clung to my apron string until he was a late teen and maybe longer.  He was my game buddy during pro football and college basketball seasons.  We text messaged on our cells to share game highlights when we weren't together.  So much about him being gone leaves a void in my life.  The silence here where he lived so loudly screams at me.  I still say thta I welcome death.  I don't have a desire to die like I did in the early stages of mourning and grief, but I can honestly say that I do not fear leaving this life.  I want now to live and be here for my surviving son, to watch him grow and have a family.  I know there will always be bittersweet moments in my life as I watch others do the things I dreamed to share with Joey.  But I believe in time you will find moments worth living for and a new desire to be here for Ryan and your daughter as they grow up and have families.  This part of your grief, while so devastating and lonely, and so strong, it will ease a little in time and you will begin to notice different things that make you feel alive again.  I stayed in my pajamas for 9 months I think, and showered every 2-3 days.  I was a wreck emotionally while I felt the pressure of the world around me and people I know coaxing me to be "the strong Christian soldier".  I found strength here and there, but it was not my own for certain.  It was God leading me.  I do feel much stronger now daily, although I have my occasional meltdowns.  I suspect I always will.  But that's ok too.  I am learning to live a different me in a world without Joey, and that is no easy feat.  It's going to take me a lot more time to figure it out, if I ever do.  But my point is that I am finding new life, new joys, and new reasons to be here.  And the friends I am making along the way, like here on BI, have truly helped to pave the way of survival.  Hold on tight when the waves hit hard and know that there will be smoothe waters ahead.  Waves ebb and flow, and are less frequent in time.  But as so many are pointing out, this is so raw and fresh for you.  The shock is worn down now, and life is taking hold.  And it hurts to breathe and be reminded that we are alive, even though it will be a blessing in time.  It still hurts.  I am praying for you...  Big HUGS, Claudia

Lana, your story about Brent and the guitar picks is funny.  I posted a photo of Joey on his memorial web site wearing huge sunglasses and smiling a very big cheese.  We were shopping around Beaufort, NC at some unique and little antique shops one day while on a beach vacation.  There was a shop with lots of party supplies and novelties.  The one with the sunglasses had a pink flamingo mobile (hanging in the background of his photo) and a stocking and shoed manequin leg sticking out from under an old antique dresser.  The flavor of the shop made us feel like expressing our goofy sides, which is when I got that precious snapshot of Joey.  Your Brent sounds so similar in personality as you share and I learn more about him.  I love hearing from others about their kids.  The moments of "connectivity", like this one about the funny shades, bring comfort in a way that's indescribeable.  Thanks for that moment.  I hope that the "sharing" between you and your husband with Brent's photo and the grief group bring comfort and a little more healing strength for the journey.  Your friend, Claudia

[fujismum]

Claudia- how did you get that small photo of Joey underneath your name? I think it's great and I'd really like to do the same with my son's photo.I have tried to post a photo but I obviously haven't fathomed it out yet! Anne

[fujismum]

Trying to add a photo!

[fujismum]

Well, I wasn't quite expecting that photo to attach but it seems it did! So this is my Jamie.

He was just 17 years and 2 months old when he was killed driving his little car on a country road.I love this photo as he is wearing his overalls, he was an apprentice mechanic and all his life he longed to pass his driving test and train as a mechanic.He was studying hard and had a very prestigious and much sought after position.He was going places!

He has just 6 weeks of driving before he was killed. It is so very sad, as are all our losses. His life was just taking off in all the directions he had patiently waited for.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this picture, I think it would be lovely to see each others children, they are so vibrant and lovely in our memories and it is good to share them with each other.

Love to all Anne

[4everjoeysmom]

Anne,  Your Jamie is a handsome young man.  I try to imagine what our kids in their perfect states look like in Heaven, because to me they were already perfect.  We can only imagine...

To get a signature photo, click on MY ACCOUNT on the above right toolbar.  Then you'll see a smaller toolbar toward the upper middle of the page.  Click on AVATAR.  Once there you can browse your files and add whatever photo you wish.  Save your avitar, and your all set.  Then your photo will post every time you do, and will even show up on all your previous posts as well. 

BIG HUGS to you Anne.  Love, Claudia

 

 

 

 

[fujismum]

I thank God for every precious day I had with Jamie  as I know you do for Joey.

I really felt from his birth that God had a special annointing on his life, and it really looked as though he would be a future worship leader in our church.He had a lovely gentle style and was a gifted musician, loved his drum kit best but was great on the piano and guitar. I wonder if he is leading the worship in heaven? That thought both comforts me and distresses me - how much better it seems to me if he was here with us.So very hard to trust him to God's care when every fibre of me wants him here by my side where I can look after him.I know God loves Jamie even more than I do, but it is still so very hard to bear. Like you I have another gorgous son, who grieves deeply and is so very lonely since he lost his brother, his best friend. But Tim keeps me going, we have to keep going don't we - no matter how bad the pain.He won't let me in to his pain but he knows we are always here for him, and I have to respect his choice not to talk about his feelings at 21.

Thanks for the advice Claudia.I'll try it tomorrow but for now it's late in the UK and I need to turn in!

Love to you and all my friends around the world! Anne

[loveyoujustin]

Hi, it's Trish.  I really love you guys.  I came on early this morning and read the morning posts, and felt so comforted and uplifted that I decided today I would try, in Justin's honor, and for my sake, and my family's sake, to do something.  I actually blow dryed my hair, (something I haven't done since 8/11) and ran a few errands.  I know it sounds crazy, but it was a BIG day, and a BIG accomplishment for me.  And it was because of all of you!  When my children were young, 2,5,6, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she was only 61.  She died two weeks later.  She used to say that my kids were her "medecine."  My neice has a 19 month old son, and a 5 and 6 year old.  I feel like right now, they are my" medicine," so I went and spent halloween with them.  It was an uplifting couple of hours.

Anne, what a beautiful boy! Our children absolutely were something "special" or God would not have wanted them so badly and cause us so much unbearable pain.  I truly feel that because we are connected here now, that our boys are connected in paradise as well.  I would love to put a picture in too, but I don't think I can do it.  Like I said, I will let everyone know of the website that my daughter, Kristi, is making in Justin's honor.  I would love for all to see it.

Love to you all.  Your words mean the world to me right now.  I thank God I found you all.    Good night.  Don't forget, (I know you couldn't) OUR BOYS ARE ALWAYS WITH US.                    Trish

[4everjoeysmom]

Anne, Trish, Lana, Colby'sMom, and all, My son Patrick, 24, doesn't talk a lot of Joey either.  From time to time I will say something to him and he will share a little bit, but I know it's a very deep pain for him.  He too has regrets that he didn't do this or say that, and I think that's hard for him.  His closest friends are beginning to marry, and that's hard for him too, to thinbk his best man of choice will be there only in his heart.  Young men process pain so differently.  I was so concerned for Patrick keeping it all in a year ago that I searched and found a few good sibling resources from compassionate friends.  I hope the links are still good.  I saved them in an old e-mail to Patrick.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/OnlySurvivingSiblingsNewsletter.pdf   (Lots of good stuff)

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/SiblingNewsletter.pdf      (Especially good here is page 6)

Trish, I am SO HAPPY for you that you took BIG steps today to take care of your personal self.  That is a huge hurdle in the first months.  Please don;t feel discouraged is drive and motivation is slow to return.  It too is a process, and you will find the strength and desire one day at a time to come back to the routines of daily living.  One of the hardest challenges is learning to "fit in our new skin", as everything around us continues but we feel so differently inside.  It took me a great while to even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror.  The sadness of my soul overtook even my physical self.  It's hard to describe, but I think some can relate.  Keep coming here for motivational support as you find your new balance.  We're all here for one another.  And I extend my biggest congrats to you again for the BIG STEP.  I know our boys would urge us to step on.  I can almost hear their voices now...   Love, Claudia

[wyomingsal]

When my husband an I got the call that my son was lost in the river we jumped in the car and my husband drove like a lunatic on the way.  We ended up in a ditch and I received a huge gash on my cheek and a broken thumb.  It might seem strange but I have always been happy for this scar because it was almost like an external sign of my internal grief and pain at losing my son.  This scar will always be a prominent feature on my face now.  But I am not upset about it because for me it represents my grief at the loss of my son.  That scar of my grief will always be there internally but other people cant see it and know the extent and severity of my grief.  As the scar  on my cheek slowly fades over time and becomes a softer color, it is still there.  I will always be proud to brandish this scar because of its meaning for me.

 

Sal

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Sal,  We do wear our scars for what seems an infinite time, don't we?  I didn't have an outer scar to show my pain, except the deep sadness from my soul that surfaces in my eyes.  I did have a wonderful friend send me a black ribbon and wristband to wear as long as I need to in order to outwardly express my mourning and grief.  When people see my ribbon and wrots band, they assume correctly, and it has helped me on numerous occasions for people to be aware without having to go into lengthy explanations of why I am so sad.  My heart goes out to you...  HUGS, Claudia

[fujismum]

Trish , well done. These small steps are so difficult yet so important.You are right to be proud of what you achieved and it is step towards your new normal - the new normal that none of us ever wanted.

Sal I think your story about the scar is so special.I almost envy you having that badge of honour. Like Claudia says we are all scarred and jagged on the inside and our eyes reflect something of the agony inside. Sometimes it is just so hard to be in"normal" situations, like a meeting at work, or  with colleagues discussing birthday parties or something.I just feel so completely disconnected with normality sometimes, I might as well have a huge notice around my neck saying "bereaved mother- she doesn't do "normal" anymore".

I know you are all working towards thanksgiving in November.I have a cultural query for you .Is this as big an occasion as Christmas is to us in England?Or do you celebrate both in a big way? If so then I feel sorry for  you as it's bad enough dreading one big festival let alone two! Family gatherings are just so hard when part of your family is no longer there.

[4everjoeysmom]

Congrats Anne!  I see you got the photo onto your posts. 

Thanksgiving in the States is a huge gathering of family usually, and a time of thanks giving for all of our blessings.  Yes!  It will be a very difficult time for us North Americans who have suffered such great tragedy and loss...

[wyomingsal]

My scar

We have many scars you and I

that tell stories of our past

from injuries old and new.

Scraped knees as children,

falls off of bikes, perhaps even a surgery or two.

My newest and most visable scar

is a red line running vertically up my left cheek.

Most people would hide it, cover it with makeup,

it is not something they would want to keep.

But I in some strange way treasure this scar

The mark has a different meaning for me.

It is an outward sign of a terrible wound

A wound that the world can't see.

Some scars are deeper

then we can see with our eyes

Hurts and trauma, pains from the past.

They have cut across our very hearts

and changed who we are...

changed the person we were in the past.

You can't see the scar I carry inside

even though it is still gaping and red

The healing process is painfully slow,

how could it go faster?

my son is dead.

The pain of my loss will never go completely away

it will forever be a part of me now

an image of grief etched upon my soul

my cross to carry until we arrive in the streets of gold.

[loveyoujustin]

:?Hi Everyone:  Sal:  You write beautifully.  I fully understand how you feel.  It's funny, but three years ago my son was at a friends house and a couple of the boys were fooling around and Justin accidentally hit his friend in the neck with a stick or something, to make a long story short, his friend ended up with quite a few stitches in his neck.  Of course Justin felt terrible about it.  Time passed and the boys stayed friendly, although not close.  He and his family were away on summer vacation and could not make calling hours, or funeral.  The boy's Mom wrote me a beautiful letter and told me how her son is so honored to have that "scar" from Justin.  I have another scar story, remind me when I get Justin's picture up on here to tell you about it.

It's funny because I truly feel "not normal" anymore.  I tell my sister all the time that I feel like people look at me and can see in my eyes the terrible sadness in my soul.  It truly is amazing, how the hurt and confusing feelings, etc. are so much the same for all of us. 

I want you all to know that tonite my husband and I went to our therapy session, and he was so happy to see that it seems like I am coming out of my "catatonic" state, as he put it.  I told him that it was mostly because of the love and encouragement I get from all of you.  I sincerely mean that!  My purpose is to honor Justin's life, and I am going to do my best.  I miss him so much with all of my heart and soul.  You will all be in my thoughts tonight, as it is because of you that I feel I see a little tiny ray of light and hope opening up.  (I know, tomorrow could be a horrific day, but I'll just take all of these feelings moment by moment, hour by hour, and day by day.   Good night.                                        Trish

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, It is these little glimmers of light and hope that allow us to build strength to carry on in honroing our kids.  I'm amazed too by how a heart can heal, never to be the same, but to survive and become more than we ever imagined we could be without our dear child...

Sal, A sad but very beautiful poem that expresses a broken yet beautiful heart.  HUGS, Claudia

[lagrangel]

Trish,  I am so glad that you feel there may be a glimmer of hope.  I found by honoring Brent it gives me a better direction to focus my energy on.  With up coming holidays and Brent's birthday Dec. 11 I am really working hard to honor him. I was able to watch the CD and listen to the music we played at his funeral last night.  Yes, I had tears but I thought how much it blessed me to be able to watch and lisen to the music and thinking how much that day honored our sons life. We all know we have miles to travel with bumpy times ahead with setbacks here and there but we loved our boys and they brought such joy to our lives. Even though we may only had them for a short while I am so glad that we had them.  My husband and I went to our support group tonight and we shared pictures and stories of our children. It felt good to share how much we loved our children and how they touched our lives. Claudia, thank you for the directions for posting our children pictures. I love to see who the children are when we write about each others journey. When it comes to computers I am pretty dumb.:? Your directions were great! Hopefully in the coming weeks I will start working on a website to honor Brent's life.  I will keep each and everyone in my heart.  Love to all, Lana

[4everjoeysmom]

Lana, What an amazing photo of Brent.  Looks like our boys also had in common a love to be on the water.  I do so love the sharing and learning the special attributes of our children as we journey together in missing and honoring them.  It's so bittersweet yet such a comfort in the most unexplained way...  I too am so thankful for all of you here.  Blessings and Love, Claudia

[wyomingsal]

What handsome young men in everyone's pictures.  It is so strange each day as I go about the business of living to think of a world without all of our precious boys.  Each one is so special and unique with their own quirks and dreams.  Each is still such an important part in our lives.  They will always be our amazing children.  It is good to be able to come here and share about them with others who understand how important each life is.  Keep posting pictures.   I love seeing and hearing about your beautiful young men.

Sal

[lagrangel]

It is wonderful to see those precious picutes of our boys when we share our journey. You try to picture each child in our minds and it is truly amazing to see who they are when we share our thoughts and feelings.  What wonderful pictures..... BI has truly given me a wonderful connection to wonderful people.  Love to all, Lana

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Everyone.  I can't wait to do the picture thing, I just can't though.:X  Kristi (my daughter) is a genius with computer stuff, and she will be home from college for the weekend, as she is every weekend, and I will have her do it.  Lana, let's give our kid's each other's IM's or e-mail.  I think it would be of a great help to Kristi to share with another young adult who is going through the same grief at pretty much the same time.

All of the boys, and it's pretty ironic that it seems we have all lost sons, are just so beautiful, and I too love seeing their pictures everytime we post so that I can honor each and everyone of their lives in my own special way.  HOpefully by tonite I can get Justin's picture up there, and hopefully the website that Kristi is working on for Justin will be up too.

My love to everyone.  As always I'll be thinking of you all today.    Trish

[fujismum]

Wow! I just came on line and saw all these beautiful photos.Isn't it special?Can hardly wait to see more added, they are all so SPECIAL.

I find it really helps me to connect to you all, such precious precious children and we have to find a way to carry on without them.

When I feel really low I try to imagine Jamie encouraging me to keep going for him, in honour of his memory.Even to bother to put makeup on or a necklace- do it for Jamie.

That way it makes it seem OK to keep carrying on without him with us.

Do any of you  struggle with physical symptoms of loss- I mean real pain like chest ache and arm ache?Most of the time even 14 months on I just feel generally ill and very tired, like I've got a virus or something. I know the chest ache must be to do with grief as I often get it badly after looking at photos or going in his room. Last night Beth, Jamie's longtime girlfriend gave me some photos we hadn't seen before from someones mobile phone. They were lovely but I thought my heart would break.New images of a son we'll never see again on earth. That gave me a rough night yet I am so thankful to have more photos to add to the memories.

Love to all and wonderful memories of our  beautiful children.

Anne

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Anne,  I just love the pictures too, and right now am so happy that my daughter, Kristi was able to do it for me, in an instant, I might add.  She says she is signing me up for a computer class.  Anyway, I love to see all of the pictures.  It makes me realize what a great life Justin had, and how much he was loved.

The physical thing was so strong for me for a while.  It seems to have subsided a bit, but it certainly comes back with moments and hours, and sometimes days of such heavy sadness.  I think we will have to live with that forever.

My love to all of you, and all of our beautiful boys, who are "always with us."

[fujismum]

My, is it just me or is it really true that God takes all the best looking ones?

Trish,your

Justin looks like a handsome gentle giant.You must be so very  proud of him.

It makes our losses seem all the more poignant to see the images of our darlings and all that they represent.

I can't seem to read any profiles now - if you can bear to could you just remind me what happened to Justin and when? Anne

[loveyoujustin]

Anne,  thank you, your words mean so much to me.  I am so proud of my Justin, and I told him that all of the time.  I also told him constantly, and his friends too, that nobody loves you more than your mother.  They tell me now that I should be so happy that I always told him that, and that he know that.  Justin was 17, and this year would have been his senior year.  I know that it is a bit different in the UK, but it was to be his last year of high school.  He was an outstanding football player, (american football) and was being recruited to play football in college.  One rainy night, August 10, he was on his way home from a pre-season weight lifting session,when he flipped his car, maybe a hundred yards from the school, and a mile and 1/2 from home, was ejected, and went to paradise.  I am lost, my family, and all of our lives were changed forever that night.  I know you only know too well what it's been like for me since that night. 

Today was a horrible day.  I heard you all say it, that when you think you might be ok, you never know when the unbearable sadness is going to show up  Today was one of those days.  I have many dear friends, and family, and alot of times I "put on a good face" but most of the time deep inside, I don't know how I will do it.  My other children Kristi and Ryan don't deserve this.  It just isn't fair to any of us.  I ;miss Justin so much.

The website seems to be up and working.  I would love for all of you to know about my Justin, and my family.  Click on the links, if the video doesn't work, keep trying.  My daughter Kristi, and her boyfriend Joe created the site.  It's beautiful.  If you get a chance, please see it.  It's www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com .   They are continuing to add to it.  There are many more picutres she will put on when she goes back to college on Monday. 

Well, 12AM here on the east coast in the US.  I think about you all, (my new, sad friends, as I describe you to my family and friends.)  You're all in my heart.  Good Night!  Love you Justin.                                                    Trish

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, I enjoyed visiting Justin's website.  I read all the newspaper articles and everything.  i can see why he had such great friends and success--a very vibrant soul!!  I know how hard this is for you...  I pray we will always be able to carry on in honor of our boys until we meet them again forever.  Forever won't come too soon!  Love & Hugs, Claudia

[fujismum]

Trish I went on the site too.It is a wonderful tribute and I look forward to visiting it again as it grows and develops. Justin was a very special and talented young man and it shines through on every page.

I hadn't realised how fresh and new your loss was.I think it is amazing strength that you have as a family to have done so much in such a short time, the accident site, the fund and everything.Amazing!

I am having  very bad day to day.Mike and Tim are out together for the day, Mike is trying to do this regularly to support him and just have special time with him. But it leaves me to spend a quiet day at home which I find difficult.It's not lack of things to do or friends and family to support me, it's just trying to be at "peace" in my own home, having time to grieve .I call this type of day a "spill over day" when the tears just keep flowing.You will all know exactly what I mean.

I miss Jamie so very much, every part of me aches for him.It is so hard to find a sense and purpose to life again, or to believe it will ever be bearable. I feel like I just exist until the day I join Jamie, and I know Mike feels the same.

Anne

[antspop]

Dear Trish, I just visited Justin's memorial website and what a beautiful thing your daughter and her boyfriend have done. I started one myself for my son Anthony. It's not anything fancy, I'm still working on it too. My son was only 16 when he died on August 15. I miss him terribly as well. I tell you this really sucks:X!! I had so many plans for my boy. He didn't even know how to drive yet!! We were going to go to DMV before school started so he could get his learner's permit. I want to believe he's in a better place and all and that gives me comfort but it doesn't seem to make it any better. My dreams and aspirations for my son are no more. Your son was a hansome young man that had so much going for him and it angers me to no end when I read in the newspaper or hear on the news all the bad things people do to each other and continue to breathe the same air our boys can't anymore. I sorry for your loss and I apologize for my venting. I hope and pray that we all get through this (never over it) and continue to keep their memories alive. By the way we don't live to far away from each other. Love John

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Everyone.  It makes me feel so loved and supported by all of your kind and caring words about Justin and his memorial site.  Please keep checking back, as Kristi is continually working on it.  Thanks for the beautiful messages in the guestbook.  A couple of my dear friends came by tonite, and I told them that it is you, and this website that is giving me that little tiny peice of hope.  I love you Claudia and Anne.

John, I so understand exactly how you are feeling, although I don't seem to feel alot of anger yet, I  truly feel Justin is the lucky one, in paradise, with unimaginable peace and happiness and like I said before, we are the ones in "hell."  It just has to be.  I can tell you that my husband is feeling all of that anger immensly.  You are right, it sucks, and most of the time I just don't know how to handle these emotions.  The best way I can describe life right now is a "struggle."  I look forward to Anthony's site, and any way we can honor our boys, which is really all I live for right now, (which I know isn't right, because I have two other children) is a beautiful thing, fancy or not.  Please let me know when it is ready.  You said you are not too far from me.  Where do you live?  If you do not want to post it, e-mail me @ trishwgn@aol.com, if you are comfortable with that.  At least we can be on this journey together, and we know we are not alone, even though it certainly feels like it at times.  I feel your pain, and I am truly saddened that any of us have to travel this road.  Our boys are "always with us."            Love you all,       Trish

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish--My heart is so filled with love for you and other parents here too. It's something of the heart weaved through our pain that senses awakening to love and caring, compassion and life beyond what we imagined in surviving such loss.  That is in part the loving legacy of our children continuing on through us.

Well everyone, today marks the beginning of my journey "home for the holidays".  I will be leaving my home here and will arrive in the city this afternoon.  Tomorrow morning is my flight to the States.  I arrive tomorrow night in my hometown, where "here and there" I will spend the next 7 weeks with family members.  I haven't been back since Joey died 15+ months ago, and there will be a lot of things, I am certain, will scream at me that Joey is missing--ALL of the places we used to go together and things we used to do, (especially the shopping trips--my boy LOVED to shop for new clothes!), driving past the little village that claimed his last breath here on earth, and of course the holiday family gatheing, (the first since).  I know we all will face hirrible sadness and longing during the holidays.  Moreso, I guess I am going to face a lot of the things I;ve had blessing to avoid by living in another country.  I know it will be hard...  I'll post when I can, as I won't have internet everwhere I go.  ut you can be certain that you all remain in my heart, thoughts and prayers.  Love and Blessings, Claudia

[fujismum]

John, what a fun picture of Anthony! He looks so full of character. Such a sweet and precious  darling, such an enormous loss for you.It is so hard to have these wonderful children in our lives and then to face our worst nightmare. Your loss is huge and your grief and anger will reflect that. We just try to share the pain and grief together and I try to imagine our sons having a great time in a much better place, better than we can ever begin to  imagine.And not even missing us because there is no time as we know it in Heaven. I believe they will not even be aware of a separation from us, our understanding of time is so limited by what we know on earth. But of course we all feel in our hearts that the best place for them is here with us.So it is such a struggle....

Claudia, I pray that you will have safe journeys and that you will have the strength to face the painful triggers that are going to come your way. I pray that you will be able to rest and be cared for, that you will allow others to care for you and look after you.That there will be many times of joy and laughter as well as tears. That you will be refreshed and make progress on your grief journey.

We will miss your postings, I hope the internet isn't too far away!

Love Anne

[mikesmum]

Claudia - Safe passage back to your home and family.  A trip I am sure will be mixed with memories and emotions.  Your posts have as with many, given me strengths and insights.  Your support thru the net as though you were next door.

Enjoy your time home with youngest son.  It is amazing to see how much being with family and sharing stories10 months on has lightened for want of better words the darker side of losing Mike.

May strength be with you and the internet never far away. Let us know how it goes for you back in the States.

Blessed be - Trudi

[loveyoujustin]

John:  Thank you for sending me the e-mail link to Anthony's website.  It is beautiful.  I just know that our boys are together in Paradise, because of our connection here.  I just feel it.  Anthony has such an outgoing and fun-loving spirit, and you can see how many people love him for that.  He will always be with you, in your heart, soul, and mind, and nothing can ever take that away.  Middletown and Mahopac are not too far apart.  Maybe one day we will meet face to face, but I know that we WILL help each other struggle through the pain, as we continue on without our boys, even though we don't want to. 

Claudia:  Wow, seven weeks.  My wish for you is a safe journey filled with peace, love, happy memories, and of course family and friends.  I am sure that there will be mixed emotions filled with bittersweet memories, that have been hiding somewhere within since you left the states.  This journey will only make you stronger, wiser, and closer to Joey, (if that's possible)  Love doesn't die, and that is what we all need to keep telling ourselves.  I truly hope you find the internet on occasion.  We really need you here, your inspirational words seem to get me through another day, even if it's just to hear how you are doing.  I will be thinking of you with love.  

Trudi:  I don't know you, but I can see by your post that Claudia has been an inspiration to you as well.  Your son is a handsome young man!  The pain in my soul and the hole in my heart only grows as I see all of these beautiful children who were taken away from us.  Someday, may we all understand.  I know it won't be until we are with them again, and I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Lana:  Where are you?  I am thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok.

Love to All,             Trish

[loveyoujustin]

Where is everyone?   I have had such a difficult last couple of days.  All I can do is think about Justin, and I can't stop crying.  Tomorrow will be 3 months.  I know it is early, but I don't think I can do this.  I miss him from the bottom of my soul.  I think it is getting harder because the reality that he isn't coming home keeps hitting me more and more everyday.  I miss you guys, and I need you.

Love to all.  Trish

I love you Justin!

[kirksdad]

Trish, I have to say it has been 7 years for me and I am feeling so much better.

I can say that at 3 months I was walking around like a zombie just hoping my life would end, too. I hated what life had become for me. Every moment of every day, every day of every month, and month after month, even year after year, I thought only about Kirk and what I was missing and how much I hurt.

I think eventually it got to the point of hospitalization because of my back and the stress of everything. Work was hard, we started by a couple of weeks after Kirk's death, and since I teach I had a constant reminder every day of Kirk's friends etc, and on and on.

I guess what I am trying to say is everything you are feeling is normal, unfortunately these feeling are normal for quite some time. The loss of a child is beyond the scope of human understanding unless, unfortunately, it has happened to you.

It does get better, in time, and for each of us how long it takes is completely up to us. It wasn't unitl a couple of years ago that I even was able to put the thought of Kirk's death out of my mind for even a little bit. I still miss him with all my heart, but the total and compeltely destructive pain I was feeling is gone. I am able to function like I never was able to after his death. Time is a great healer, but we do it as we can.

I never really understood taking life one moment at a time and not worring about the little things until I lost my only son. There really is a light at the end of this tunnel.

[loveyoujustin]

Thank you.  Today is really, really unbearable for me.  I feel EXACTLY as you described.  I am seeing a therapist, and started medication, but nothing will bring my Justin home.  I just cannot accept that.

I cannot even think of"down the road."  I don't want there to even be a "down the road" for any of us, without Justin.  I know that isn't right, and I tell myself for my other children, and myself, and Justin, that I have to at least try.  If for anything at least to keep Justin's memory alive, and keep him "with us always."

Thank you again.  I just really needed to talk to someone who "knows".  The people that I have met here are my only inspiration to try to keep going.  I am so sad for all of us, and I'll never understand how we were chosen to have our precious chlidren "snatched away"  from us. 

Love to All,            Trish

[loveyoujustin]

HI Kirksdad, it's Trish again.  I realized I just went on and on about how I was feeling, and I am very sorry that I didn't tell you I am very sad for your loss of Kirk.  Isn't it funny how self centered we can be in such a time of agonizing pain.  I did read on other posts that you have written on, and I admired your courage and words of inspiration to help through the pain that you only know too well.  I read posts for a while, and then finally posted myself, and I am thankful that I did.  As I said, it is only all of you who feel my pain that can help me right now.  love,  trish

[lagrangel]

Trish, I know the the 3 month mark will be difficult Brent's 3 month will be Sunday but you have to remember the wonderful times that we shared with our precious sons. I know every month and day may bring tears to our eyes and we may feel we can't go on but we must keep the wonderful memories and honor our childs life. Just remember how many lives your son touched and how he made a diffrence in your family. I hold on to these memories because that is what keeps me going.  Our life has changed and it will never be the same but we will find a way to make it another day. We have found how precious life is and how we must live every day to the fullest. I know your pain is so fresh as mine but just keep pushing on. There is a light at the end of the  tunnel. I know with the holidays coming it will be a difficult time for all the firsts without our loved ones but I pray for each and every one of us that we will make it past the firsts and become stronger. I do have to push myself at times to do things I really don't want to do but then I feel like I have accomplished so much.  I am able to share about Brent to my friends and they listen and I am feeling a little of my life is okay. Will our life ever be normal, no we will just learn another way to live our life.  I know it seems like we have nothing to look forward but our other children need each and every one of us.  I enjoy every minute I am able to spend with my boys becasue I do know how precious life is. When God calls me home I will be ready to go and see my son but now I have to live on this earth and cherish the moments I had with Brent and  the sons that are with me now.  I will carry Brent in my heart each and everyday until the day that I die. Trish there is so much more for us and maybe some day you can be the rock for someone when they are going through their difficult journey.  

Kirksdad, I am glad that you have found that light and the pain is not so intense.  My husband and I share about how we hope to have grandchildren someday and how that will add to our life.  As you say we will always remember our child and they will be with each and everyone one of us. Thank you for giving hope to the ones of us that are new to this journey. Each and everyones journey is so difficult but the encouragement is wonderful to each and everyone.  Love and prayers, Lana:)

[mikesmum]

Kirksdad - See you name on many of the threads and now it feels like I have met you!  Its 10 months since Micheal died.  It seems I know all the responses, 'normal reaction to abnormal situation', time is irrelevant in this new life, normal is no longer what it was, it now a new normal we seek.

To seek the happier times,  to take life 1 minute at time and live for those who remain is overwhelming .  I have not worked since Micheals death and with therapy find there are many layers to the grieving process.  Working as an EMD on the day  my new husband  the Intensive Care Paramedic that treated but unfortunately could not save Micheal only serves to worsen the situation.

My big bug bear at the moments seems to be anything and everything is deemed to be because Micheal died.  If I am angry or annoyed because of a situation (not related to his death) it is seen as part of my grieving.  I am encouraged to communicate my needs and feelings to my partner.  When I do I find he ignores what we have spoken about and I spiral into a confused and introverted soul.  Again this would be because I lost my son, not that he has failed to hear.

I live in limbo.  I won't say I survive, but I do live from distraction to distraction.  I feel I failed at saving Micheal and fear with all that is left that I may fail to save my remaining children.  "Another normal reaction to abnormal situations".

To sleep, but to dream......

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Trish,  I read your post and my heart broke as I recalled my own brokenness at 3 months.  It got really, really bumpy for me about that time.  I couldn't focus.  I cried all the time.  I was angry at God, my hsband, life, everyone and everything.  I wanted to be with Joey.  I ached to my absolute core and beyond, and I had no hope that I could make it through those feelings.  BUT, I did.  You are so right on.  When the numbness, shock, disbelief and frozen grief starts to fade, the realness begins to settle in--the having to realize they aren't coming back, the desperate feelings of trying to remember every little detail like voices and quirks, how they felt and smelled, etc.  I felt like there was absolutely nothing else that could happen to me that would be more torture than the living hell I was going through when I began to wake up to reality.  I am so very heartbroken for anyone and everyone that ever has to feel this.  It's an indescribeable brokenness--just shattered to the core.  There are no quick remedies, really.  It's a storm that has to be ridden out, and you can and will make it through.  The hardest part of reaching the sunshine is having to travel through the dark valley first.  I've said before, it doesn;t really get easy, but the sharpness of the stabs to the heart and the shortness of breath, all of that will ease and become a bit more dull with time.  It's hard to imagine, and I'm not sure you shoudl focus on too far ahead anyway, because there's something, even though painful, that is also precious in the pain of remembering.  It's strange to use that word to describe it, but i know no better word.  having Joey in my life has made me a better person, richer and fuller, and happier, and definitely I would do it all over again, even knowing what i know.  But it doesn't make the worst of the storms easier.  It just reminds me of how much love means and how much more I've loved than i ever thought possible.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I am sending BIG HUGS.  Love, Claudia

[fujismum]

Trish, you are in the depths of dispair and that is just so completely normal when you have lost your wonderful son.The anaesthetic of shock is starting to wear off and you are starting to feel the pain.I found that when this was explained to me it helped me understand why I was in such a terrible place 3 months after Jamie's death. Try not to be afraid of the pain, you loved Justin with all your heart so of course you are in agony.The pain represents all the love you have for him.And it hurts like no other pain and it can't be fixed. Just try to take it moment by moment.Be kind to yourself, read if you can, take relaxing baths, lose yourself if you can in some TV or just go walking.

Talk to those who will listen, pour out your heart. Mike and I used to set off walking in all weathers at all times of the evening, often very late.Sometimes we biked long and hard on dark winter nights, rain and wind lashing against us.It was a relief to feel another kind of physical pain and the exercise helped us to sleep after.Try to find what helps you at these darkest moments. I even lay on the floor, hammering with my fists  and screaming at God sometimes. Just pick those moments with care if you have others in the house!

You WILL survive.I know it's hard to believe, but you will find the strength to get through another day, another night.It won't be easy, but you will survive.And each day you survive is a stepping stone on the pathway to a place of healing.We all care so much for you in your anguish.Lana can be a huge support to you as she walks alongside you. Bless you all.Anne

[loveyoujustin]

Thank you Anne and Cluadia:  Claudia, glad you are safely in the states.  I hope that so far your trip home is all you want it to be.

I am in the depths of agony, like you all said "and know so well," and it is getting worse.  Today I feel physically and mentally ill.  I am shaky, and feel as if I may go crazy at any minute.  I can put on a "normal" appearance for friends and relatives, but I don't know if that is what makes me worse when I am alone.

Anne, I think I will  take your advice, bundle up, because it is very cold here, and go walk.  I'm not sure what else to do.  I really feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown!  I miss him so very much, right  to the bottom of my soul.  I am consumed with it.

I am keeping all your words in my mind to help me through another hour.

Love to All,    Trish

[mikesmum]

Trish - the words of those who have been and are still where you find yourself, reflect that the insanity you feel is truly normal and part of the process.

My psychologist told me that when I feel the walls caving in and the roof falling, get out of the house and walk.  We live in a small town and in the beginning it was a nightmare.  Good hearted souls would stop me and offer their condolensces.  I would come home some days worse for holding it together.

I took up Shopping Centre walking. On my first attempt  I tried the local centre.  As fate would have it I ran into a mum whose daughter had been to school with Micheal and his siblings.  Having not seen each other for 15 yrs small talk turned to children. 

 She asked how Micheal was doing, she had heard thru the grapevine he was now a father.  Without a thought I just blurted out 'Micheal is dead, he is dead, he died in January".  This was only 5 weeks after he died. 

After this outburst the look on her face reflected just how insane I must have appeared on the outside!!

I began visiting centres along way from where I live.  Mindlessly walking, not thinking, distracted by sights sounds and new environments.  In the first months I would do this for 3-4hrs.  One day, in the middle of one of these walks I actually went to the movies.  Couldn't tell you what I saw. Would spend another hour or two trying to locate my car.

I also know the feeling of 'going insane', I have my ticket and am just waiting for the train! Other days I feel I have taken the bus and have already arrived.

The feeling of physical pain in someway tells me that I still live.  The thoughts and memories of my son now 10 months on while still painful are replaced with a warmer gentle feeling from knowing he is still around me in someway.  While walking I swear he whispers in my ear - "told you you would be come a crazy old bag lady!" 

My thoughts are with you in your journey.  May the walks build your strengths, even it is to hammer the floor just that little bit harder!

Blessed be - Trudi

[fujismum]

Trish, I was so glad to read of your plan to bundle up and go walking.Walking is good, so is feeling the cold.It reminds you that you can feel other things apart from the overwhelming grief.

I'm no expert but I read somewhere that brisk walking, whether we realise it or not, helps our brains to produce " feel good " hormones:D, as well as help to settle those anxious thoughts and sensations. It may be one of the most useful strategies at your disposal for those terrifying times we all have when we think we can bear it no longer. Trish -You are normal, you will survive.Broken hearts still beat. Anne

[lagrangel]

Trish, I know at this time you may not be able to sit down and read any books but I have read several books which helped me get by hour by hour. The last book I read was called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.  The book is excellent and deals with surving, coping & healing after the sudden death of a loved one.  It takes one step by step of the feelings and heartache that one has during your loss. It has helped me to know that I am not crazy when my life feels so out of control. Another book which I picked up was Chicken Soup for the Greiving Soul. I have found these books helpful in my journey. I quess this is another way along with BI and my support group that helps me cope with my daily journey.  I think Anne has a wonderful idea about getting out and just walking or whatever works for you. I know when I was having problems with my father being ill and was trying to help my mother and be their for everyone I felt I was at my limits. I talked to my doctor and he suggested some type of excercise to get me through that difficult time that is when I began running. Today was difficult because went to a open house today honoring all the loved ones that had passed on in the last year. It was difficult to think of going and seeing our son's picture and lighting a candle but my husband and I along with my parents went to the open house which was Brent's 3 month angel day.  I just kept telling my husband take deep breaths.  It was such a lovely tribute to the all the loved ones that had passed on in the past year. We were glad that we had attended and they were a room full of people going through their own journey of grief. When I got home I just sat and cried and thought of my son. I know it hurts so much but I know I was so blessed to have my son.  My other son, Brian which is Brent's twin came into the room and he could see that I was crying and gave me a wonderful hug and just loved and patted on me what a blessing.  Trish I know that your pain feels so unbearable and you cannot take the hurt any longer but if you make it another hour you have done well and have accomplished alot.  When I hear Claudia, Ann, and the many others that have posted I do know that we can get through this horrible ordeal. Trish, please try and take care of yourself. All my love and prayers are with you. Lana

[antspop]

Dear Trish,

I'm so sorry for not checking in. Some days I don't even want to be on the computer. I don't know what to say to comfort you as it's going to be 3 months for me as well this 11/15. All I can say is I care and I will be thinking about you, your family, and your son Justin. Once again I'm sorry. With love, John

[wyomingsal]

We were driving along Saturday afternoon and we drove past the park in our town where they put up a big Christmas light display.  They were already busy setting it up and it triggered such strong thoughts of my Joshua that I couldn't hold back the tears.  Memories I haven't thought of yet  came pouring into my mind.  Last year I remember driving Joshua by the park to see the Christmas lights.  My sweet 10 year old excited about Christmas.  It is hard to think about the holidays this year without him.  It seems like there are so many memories waiting to jump out at you over this season.

I have a Christmas pic with my 4 cuties on my blog at: heyerhaven.blogspot.com  

Joshua is the one with the brown hair (it used to get pretty blond in the summer).  Last summer his hair got so curly it was amazing.  He looked like a teen already even thought he was just 10.  He was already 5'2''.  I wish we had more pictures of him with his curly hair.    My other three are  the red heads. 

Sal

[chel4368]

Hello, I'm new to this sight - my son is also named Justin, I miss him so much. I just have no idea how to pick up the pieces of my life without him, since he and my daughter were my life. Justin was killled in a car accident on 7/4/07. The worst day of my life. I'm so sorry for each an everyone of you for your loss. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated.

Michelle Mom to Justin (JD) 6/21/91 - 7//4/07

I miss you kiddo

[loveyoujustin]

Hello Everyone.  All I really can say is "thank you."  I feel so alone and "lost" in this, that if I didn't have ALL of you to help me get through every day, I honestly don't know where I would be.  That said, Michelle, you will certainly find the support and caring, with the best words of encouragement here. I am deeply sorry for your loss of your Justin, and I feel your pain. We "journey" together.  I only hope that I can maybe someday I can offer the tiniest bit of "HOPE" that I have found through all of you.

Thank you, and my love to you all.            Trish

Good night Justin.  I love you!