Loss of a Teenager

[lagrangel]

Michelle,

I just take my journey one day at a time. I don't really look ahead but just make it minute by minute. As you know you never know when you may have a step backwards but that is okay because this is part of our healing. I keep my son's memory alive throughout my journey. I talk to freinds and family about my beloved son. This is a difficult journey but we will survive it. I know my son would want me to go on with my life and live it to the fullest. I know our lives will never be the same but I will honor and always love my son. My sons angel day was 8/11 I was blessed to have him for 19 years. You are in my prayers and thouhts. Love to all Lana

[antspop]

    Dear Michelle,

First let me say how truly sorry I am for you loss.  As far as advice, I don't think I can give you any except to take one day at a time.  Your son, Justin, was a little over a month older than my Anthony.  Anthony died in August (atv accident).  This Thursday will mark 3 months.  If you like to read I highly recommend "Hello From Heaven" or "Love Never Dies".  These books give me hope.  Some days are better than others but overall the best way to put it is that this really SUCKS!!!:X  I miss my son so much and I know I can't go back in time and change anything and it's what hurts the most.  Then the guilt comes in and I wonder if I let him know how much he was loved and the "if onlys" start.  Just keep your family close and do all you can to keep your son's memory alive.  I hope that helps.  Once again I'm sorry and I CARE!!  Be well, John

[fujismum]

Dear Michelle,

All of us here are so very sorry you have had to join us, but here you will find others who know your pain and a safe place to tell it how it is, and maybe get some support along the way.We're no experts, we struggle along too at every twist and turn of this awful pathway of grief.I think it's amazing that we can talk to each other across the world and try to reach out to each other. Your loss is very new and raw, and expect nothing of yourself except to get through each minute, each hour and then another day and night.It is survival.Hang on in there.

Claudia and myself seem to have turned into the ones who  have travelled furthest on this  journey with the loss of our sons over a year ago now.Even that is such a brief time that I know I feel I am only just beginning to grieve.When I first joined I needed to hear from people who had survived, I just could not believe the pain would not kill me too,I thought I would soon be buried next to my son.Sometimes, often even, I still want that to happen. But like most of you I have others who love me and need me, another son who does not need the agony of another bereavement.So I have to find the strength to go on.So will you Michelle my friend.

So now it is our turn to try and encourage  other new members,as well as receive the care and support from our fellow travellers .

Anne X

[mikesmum]

Ann,- Well said.  It has been 10 months since my son died and 7 months since I stumbled across Beyond Indigo.  I needed to find somewhere, someone, that knew my heart and soul were gone and understood my desire to sleep, to find Micheal and be with him.  I too have family to live for, and yet when I was alone with my thoughts this became a burden at times too heavy to bear.

The words and support found here gave me understanding, a hope of recovery, a future, a life after Micheal.  Those who join are amongst friends.    While they share experiences, loss and thoughts many times the understanding is unspoken.. 

Thoughts and blessings to those who have come to find a peace in the chaos of losing a loved one.

Trudi

[lagrangel]

I just want to thank each and everyone for all your love and support. It helps me each and everyday to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  During my first 2 months all I wanted to do was not go on but the kind words and thoughts pushed me on to another hour. I am blessed to find such a place to share our thoughts and sorrows. Today, I know I have to continue for my other children and family and I do know that I can survive this journey. All your words and encouragement has helped me soooooo much, more than words can say....  I just wanted to say how grateful I am to each and everyone at BI. It is wonderful to read others posts who have been on this journey longer than I and have survived it!!!!  It gives me hope and I just want to say, THANK YOU!!!!!:):)  Love to each, Lana

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone.  I feel the same, we are "journeying" together.  I am thankful for all of you because I feel it is only because of all of you that I get through day after day, even if it is in pain. I am so stuck though in this agonizing feeling of sadness, disbelief, heartache, and undescribable pain deep in my soul that I just don't know if I can do it.  How could I possibly grow older and experience any kind of joy in life without my child.  I know it's been done, but I just don't know how or if I can do it.  I know I have other children, but I feel I place a burden of sadness upon them, I can pretend, and believe me, I do, for their sakes, but deep down inside they know how broken I am.  The therapist says that is because right now my grief is stronger than my love.  How terrible is that???!!  And how will that ever change???

Sorry to ramble on.  It's been so difficult.  I know you all know, and I hope I can journey towards the hope of peace that some of you are finding, even if ever so slowly.

Love to All,   Trish

Good night Justin. I love you!

[mikesmum]

Trish, must have the same therapist!!  Mine explained that I needed to grieve for Micheal, apparently I hadn't been from the time he died up until 3 months ago.  When the dam broke it was being hit by a bus, this time in full surround sound, techincolour, wide screen!!  It was worse than the day Micheal died, yet somehow I thought by this time it would be easier??

I look at it as grief is so powerful it can make you lose sight of the living.  It can distort all around you and take you, heart and soul.  It will be the love I have for Micheal that will overcome the grief that keeps me from moving on.

I know this because as I type, I can almost feeling him saying, now youre getting mum.  Its like the anger and bitterness associated with grief and loss that holds you back in a negative distructive manner preventing acceptance.  When I say acceptance, it ain't never never never be okay that my son died, but the acceptance that nothing I say, do, don't say or don't do will ever change the outcome of January 18th 2007, including bowing out of my life.

I love you Micheal Shane, I miss you with a pain in my heart I never thought I would feel let alone survive.  I feel your arms around my shoulders and the tears flow.  I know in my head you are at peace, but someone forgot to tell my heart its okay.

Love ya,

Mum

[fujismum]

Sal, I looked at your blog and enjoyed the beautiful pictures of your family and felt heartbroken for your terrible loss of little Josh.Just as he was growing from a lad  into a strong and wonderful young man.This is so cruel. I know you have a faith and I truly hope that you will continue to get strength and hope from God and from your obviously close and loving family.

To all my friends at BI- well, keep on keeping on! I have had a deep and painful wave of grief over the last couple of weeks that was worse than any previous waves. But I am learning to trust that these agonising times do give way to a period of relative peace and calm- great and deep sadness yes, but somehow not quite so unbearable.  A friend who lost her 16 year old some 6 years ago told me that over time there would be gaps between the raw grief, and that in her experience the gaps increased.She has learnt to live with her loss and  assures me she experiences joy and hope in her life.For me - I cannot imagine that will ever be.But I  do plan to keep on doing  my grief work  and truly want to one day be able to say, yes there is joy and hope in my life again.It is what my precious son Jamie would want for me and for my family. But grief is such painful work, as you all know...

Take care all my friends here, much love AnneX

[wyomingsal]

Thank you Anne for taking the time to look at my blog.  I feel so selfish and self absorbed sometimes with my grief that I don't always take the time to look at other people's sites.  It means alot to me for people to know who my son was and how important he still is to me and my family.  I know your son was just as wonderful and loved and important to all who were touched by his life.   As the holidays draw near I know we will each be spending time crying and remembering and wishing and longing to be with our sweet children.  To hold them one more time.  To see their smiles.  To scold them and worry over what to do in an angry moment.  I think of running my fingers through his hair as he would lay on my bed when he was trying to avoid homework.   

Sal

[fujismum]

Where is everyone?:X

I keep looking but no one seems to be talking anymore!

Is everyone OK? ( daft question, but you know what I mean)

Anne

[mikesmum]

Anne - I guess we are all still here, maybe reading not quite knowing what to say.

Personally, I have found this past fortnight harder.  I guess its partly because I feel lost in a loop of never ending nothingness.  No final report from the Coroner, he is still (10months on) gathering statements.  Still not working, really have lost the confidence needed to do the job.  No income, heading to court to seek an ruling as to whether or not being a dispatcher and support to the person doing CPR on Micheal is deemed to be 'at work'. Tears falling, withdrawing and so tired.  Overwhelming feelings of being distanced from everyone.

Hopefully it is just the Christmas hype that has everyone pondering. 

Stay strong - Trudi

 

[lagrangel]

I am here but not looking forward to Thanksgiving.  I usually have dinner at my house but this year I am not and we are just going out to eat.  I do feel quilty for all the family that usually comes over but I just can't do it.:X  I made the decision we would do something different for Thanksgiving and go out to dinner. I have had a difficult week just thinking about the holidays and have seen so much about the holidays and just triggered tears of sorrow. It just seems so hard at times knowing that I won't seen my beloved Brent at Christmas.  I hope to tough it out and make it through it the best I can. Ann do you have plans during Thanksgiving?

 I hope Claudia you are having a good visit while you are in the states.  I hope you are doing well TRISH! Everyone is in my prayers during this holiday. Love and prayers to everyone.  Lana

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi All, I'm doing ok.  I truly am enjoying being with my family, but I feel a deep "missing" and longing for Joey while being here, and it's so hard to ignore.  Do you know what I mean when I say "LIFE has become quiet without Joey here"?  It's the only way I can describe what this is like.  He was full of energy and always glued to my hip when not in class or working.  I've been shopping a couple of times with others and I just walk dazed, because Joey always dragged me shopping for new shoes or jeans or something he wanted.  He loved to shop!  Two days till Thanksgiving and I feel numbness more than anything.  I have been spending time with my son Patrick when he is not working, and that's truly a joy.  But more often I am finding myself silent and watching my family watch TV.  I never realized before how addicted everyone is to their television sets.  It stinks, really.  I watch movies with Michael on occasion, but we don't have TV.  We do a lot of other things together, and I like that.  It's kind of weird really.  Here you can get in a car and go to the movies, a mall, or anywhere you feel like going with ease.  Where I live is the rainforest and after dark you are inside and out of buggy, wet night.  That would be when most folks sit and watch TV.  Here it's like 24/7 with the retired folks.  So, I sit quietly and absorb into TV nothingness.  I MISS JOEY!!!!!  He would be laughing and on the go, and I would be trying to catch my breath and keep up with his long 6'4" walk which was more like a slow run for me.    Anyway...  I guess I am realizing that "coming home" will never ever, ever be what it once was.  I'll be here until the day after Christmas, and I will enjoy and make the most of it.  But already I look forward to returning to my husband, my puppies, my work in the rainforest, and LIFE as I am learning to live it anew.

I think for each of us the coming days and holidays will find us with a mixed bag of pain, sadness, numbing, and perhaps a little cheer as well.  For all of us I pray for a miracle of getting through surrounded in a blanket of love knowing that our children gone are still with us...not in body, but always connected, forever a part of us, experiencing a fullness of life in heaven.  They LIVE, and we are only seperated by a thing called TIME...  My love and prayers to you all this Thanksgiving.  --Joey's Mom, Claudia

[fujismum]

Claudia , good to hear from you again.I bet we all miss your posts!

It must be so good to have time with your other son, enjoy every moment.

Lana, being in the UK we don't have "thanksgiving" and I can't say I envy you guys having to face another poignant family event without our precious darlings. I must remember that you will all be busy for the next few days so it will go quiet on here!

So to all of you who have to face painful family gatherings and memories of happier times, my heart goes out to you.Take what peace and comfort you can from being with loved ones, rest when you can and don't expect too much of yourselves.

Love Anne

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone.  Claudia, it was comforting to hear that you are at least "surviving" your visit, as bittersweet as it is.  I truly think it is such a necessary part of your "journey" and even though the experience is mixed with all types of emotion, it will only make you stronger

They say that "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," but I think this is killing me.  The last week or so has been so very difficult for me, and I haven't posted because I sometimes feel like I am rambling on in my agonizing pain, when you all are feeling the same way.  It feels a little selfish to me, and that isn't me.  I do read all of the posts for comfort however, and feel that if it wasn't for my friends here at BI, the only people that can truly understand what I am feeling, that I would be completely lost.

The next month is going to be most difficult, but I know that there is no other choice than to struggle through, which I guess is an enlightenment for me, as compared to how I've been feeling lately.

All of you are in my thoughts, and as Anne mentioned, maybe we should try to stay connected more frequently.  I know it helps me tremendously!

Peaceful Days to All,      Trish

Love YOU Justin!  Good Night!

[k8smum]

november 27 will be the 2-yr anniversary of our caitlin's passing. she fought Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia for 5 years, never in remission more than 9 months at a time. she was dx'd at 14 and we lost her at age 19.

cait just before diagnosis, 1/2001

sept 2005, 2 months left to us. she is holding our son's baby, daniel.

i miss her every second of every minute of every hour of every day...she is my heart. i am not in shape tonite to write more of my sweet girl, but her story is here...

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/

i do not care for this world without cait in it.

annie

 

[fujismum]

Annie I looked at your memorial site for your dear Caitlin, and my heart wept for your loss. I work on a children's ward and know a little about ALL and the treatment involved.Those memories must be very hard for you, but my, what a fighter Cait was.

I am sure that this second anniversary looming will be very very painful for you, and so difficult being on a special celebration time when everyone else seems to be happy and have their families gathered around them with no young ones missing.

I don't like to say it on here but I too am finding the second year even more difficult.I'm just afraid of distressing anyone who is struggling with the first unbearable year.I think the shock and horror recedes a little and is replaced by a new and growing reality that this is how it is going to be for the rest of our lives.I've heard it described as the lonely year. And we don't want it.It's hard to carry on when every minute day and night hurts so.

 I pray that you will find the strength to continue on your journey through the pain, and find some joy in your precious memories and hope in your life as Caitlin would want for you.She was a strong and courageous person - so are you Annie.

Love Anne X

[angelzone]

 

This is a letter from the website www.georgeanderson.com

Dear George,

 

[align=justify]I lost my sweet son six years ago and a year and a half after that I had a reading with you.  It was absolutely wonderful and it helped my so much in my healing. [/align]

[align=justify]Now, four years later, I have another question for you. [/align]

[align=justify]Immediately after Brian died, I could feel him around me all the time.  Not only did I have the "sensation" of him being near, he also gave me dozens and dozens of signs to show me that indeed he was.  The last year or so, I feel him "pulling" away from me a little.....not in a bad way, but almost as if he is more certain  that I am going to be okay.  The signs are now few and far between as well.  Please don't misunderstand, I am not upset by this, I just want to know if my gut feeling is right: Is he moving on with his life as I am healing slowly from his death as well ?  Are my feelings correct? [/align]

[align=justify] Thank-you, George.  You have made this painful journey almost beautiful.[/align]

 

Sincerely,

 

Ludie  

 

Dear Ludie:

I often think of what the souls do for us after they have passed on in the same terms that parents teach their children--first, by example, second, by assisting, and third, by allowing them to do it themselves.

It's rather like the first time you put a child on a bicycle.  The souls put us on that "bicycle,"  despite our fear, and walk with us.  We don't realize the amount of control they have over our distance and actions--we are too busy fearing failure and feeling out of control.  At the point when we feel our resolve strengthening, we notice we have some control, even though the souls are running along-side us.  But at some point, and always for our own good--when the souls know we have regained control and can return to our own freedom, they allow us to ride by ourselves.  That is a moment of triumph for both the souls and for us--the point where we are able to continue on our own.  The souls will always be there if we stumble, but they know we are capable of continuing on our journey without their constant care.  This is their biggest hope for us, and when it comes, they are more proud of us that we ever could be of ourselves.

The souls recognize that this is our journey.  They will help us to help ourselves, but in the end--it is our journey.  That having been said--the souls also tell us they will ALWAYS be with us--because it is also part of their growth in the hereafter and their spiritual work to care for us.  But it does mean the difference between carrying us and allowing us to fly on our own.

Congratulations--you have conquered death by recovering your life after loss.

George Anderson

 

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Anne:  I do believe with most sincerity that it will be yourself and Claudia who will help the rest of us "journey on."

Annie:  I too went to the website of your daughter Cait.  She is a beautiful person outside, and though I did not have the opportunity to meet her in physical form, I am happy to know of her, through you, and I can feel that she is also a beautiful, strong and unconditionally loving spirit.  I cannot offer any advice at this time, as I am feeling EXACTLY as you, but I do know that the friends I have met here point me toward the "hope" that you speak about, and all I can offer right now is to walk beside you.  through this site, I have seen little tiny glimmers of that "hope" and I am assured that someday I will find it.

AngelZone:  I loved the letter from George Anderson.  I printed it so that I can have my family, especially my husband read it.  I believe what he is saying with 99.9 percent assuredness.  (Is that a word?)  I am not at that point at all yet.  It's been only a bit over three months since my Justin went to paradise.  I don't like to use the word "left" because I too know that "he is always with Us."  I haven't found just the right words to use for the day he left in physical form.  I know it's selfish, but I am still holding on to him, even though he will never really leave, and live on in so so so many people, I still cannot accept it, and have such a fear of anyone ever forgetting him.

Have to go, where I don't know, but I feel as though I am rambling again!

Miss you Lana, and you to John.  Where are you?????

Love to ALL,   Trish

PS:  Just a reminder, www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com .  I would love for all of you to know my Justin.  (Hopefully the video is working now.)

[loveyoujustin]

Kathy, I certainly hope for all you are wanting.

Claudia:  Is it really a sin to take your own life????  If we choose our fate, and also our destiny, then so be it, right?  I would think that to do that, God would know what pain and anguish our souls hold.  Just  wondering.

Love you All,  Tirsh

Justin, I love you and miss you from the bottom of my sould.  Nobody loves you more!

[mikesmum]

Trish, Visited Justins site, handsome man, amazing story ending all too soon. 

As for the sin of taking your life, I am not big on the God things.  He and I have a few issues rising from working in cancer units, paedatrics etc.....

However, I know when my lowest of lows settles in I want to sleep forever, want to go to Micheal, to see him one more time, to hold him, the option seems the logical (illogical?)  for me.

Somewhere though, be it Micheal entering my thinking or an awareness that has just dawned, I feel Micheal would never want his death to cause the loss of another life. 

I believe in my heart he knows how much his death has devestated us all.  I also know he is in a place of peace. (they jam indefinetly and the acoustics are phenominal!) 

For me to take the my life would only serve to cause more pain for my husband, daughter son and grandchildren. It might not give me my peace, what if I went to a place of peace away from Micheal?

 It would also seriously piss Micheal off that I wasted something he had wanted for himself.....a life surrounded by those who loved him.

I believe Micheal knows the pain of my broken heart. I believe he in many ways surrounds me and encourages me to continue.  I also believe he knows just how hard this time of my life is.

Trish, it will never be easy, it will never be the same, but I have to believe my leaving now would not be an answer it might just make more questions. 

Take care. 

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Kathy,  ((((((KATHY))))) BIG HUGS to you my friend.  I'm feeling your pain and emptiness...  I've been thinking of you so much, although not posting much either.  I've been with my family for Thanksgiving and will be here through christmas, and it has been SO HARD without Joey here too.  He was my bud, and he would be glued to my hip, and life is terribly quiet without him.

Trish,  In truth, it is a sin to take a life, even your own, but not an unforgiveable one.  I do know the catholic religion believes that, but I don't.  I believe in a merciful god, even though we can't always understand why he allows things to happen which are completely painful and seemingly senseless.  But I trust he knows every nook and crannie of all creation, so it's his call whether I like it or not.  I'll know and understand much more some day, and until then I just have to keep going and being thankful that Joey is in heaven with him.  I believe God does know our heart, even better than we know our own, and though anyone may act out and sin, the act of forgiveness and judgement is solely his by grace and mercy.  It doesn't belong to any one else to say, because the condition of our hearts is a matter solely between us and God.  Peopl have differeing opinions, and that's fine, but I pray you believe God could and would forgive such an act.  I pray you aren't asking for personal reasons that are reeling you into despair and considering self harm.  Nothing that can happen to us here in this life can be worth that, even if it is unbearably painful.  There is always something we can bring to the situation to turn it into a matter that says our children did not die in vain.  They did not die for nothing.  Look at Kathy!  I am so very proud of her for fighting against her pain to advocate against drunk driving.  As painful as it will be to go on a ride along and have potential bad flashes and visions of her own trauma, she is advocating in front of a news crew and powerfully bringing to light a very bad thing in the good and precious name of her son Anthony so that maybe a day will come when people will choose not to drink and drive for the stiffer penalties thay may face.  You go Kathy!  I'm so proud of you!!!  Anyway, Trish, please believe you are not alone.  I am hurting so much through this holiday season, being here with my family and hearing the deafening silence of Joey's absence.  Life was so much more alive when Joey was here.  I know your pain, my friend, and I am reaching out and lifting a prayer up for you and for me, and for each of us tonight.  Love and Hugs, Claudia

[katant]

Claudi.....

(((((((((((HHUUGGSS)))))))))))))))))))))  BACK

Here is the link for the Ride-Along I did last night.  We had been on the road just 15 minutes and we pulled over a truck that a girl was driving, man it hit me, wow, people just don't get it.

hope you all see it.....I was happy and relieved after to be going home.  Today was kinda just another day.  It was warm here in Rhode Island, 65 degrees, should be 35 so it actually helped, did not feel like a holiday. 

Okay so just copy and paste the link to see the story.

http://www.abc6.com/video/drunk_971686___breakout_featurevideo.shtml/driving_police.html

Let me know what you think...

luv and hugs

kathy

Anthony, your my shining star and I am proud I did what I did last night, but wow...so weird and scary.  xoxoxo

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I watched the video clip, and wow!  I actually started to cry, thinking about what you must have felt during that experience, and thinking about what happened to Anthony.  You are so brave!  I really, really am proud of you, and I know Anthony is too.  It's like through you he is speaking up for change to the system and how they handle drunk driving, giving you strength and courage to do that despite how painful it is.  I imagine there's a bit of help from God in that, but wow!  Keep up the good work, and also keep me posted on how things are going with your foundation.  I am always interested and concerned with how things are going for you.

I'm glad we all made it through Thanksgiving.  It ended up being a quiet but nice dinner for us.  My son patrick came over for a few hours with his girlfreind.  They had another dinner to attend with her mom, but they worked hard to make sure they could be with me for a time too.  It was super quiet without Joey, and I added his name when I said grace, asking for a message to reach him of how much we love and miss him.  As I just typed that the tears began...  So, I still have a long way to go to get through the holidays and my "firsts" being home for the holidays without Joey here.  Last year i stayed in Ecuador and worked with mission teams to feed kids and elderly, and that got me through the first year.  But this year is truly my firsts, and I now am feeling the crush of what many of you have already felt last year, and definitely the wave of grief that my new friends are feeling in their firsts this year...

HUGS and much love to you all, Claudia

[fujismum]

Kathy, I just watched the video too.What an amazing and brave thing for you to do.

I'm sure you must have been exhausted  afterwards, but my, what a positive way to honour your son and potentially save others from going through your heartbreak.

I lost my son in a car accident , but I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have someone to blame, to know it could have been avoided, and that some other idiot took a chance and drove after drinking. You are doing something about it, and that is so brave of you.

Claudia, sounds like you are in the midst of a grief wave.I guess it was coming- being back home and so many reminders of Joey.Worst of all him not being with you to share in the celebrations.Thinking of you- ride the wave, feel the pain, it has to be. Every bad day is a another step towards  healing.I'm not sure what I mean by healing, I just know God does not want this to destroy our lives and will help us find a way to be whole and complete again , despite our pain, but for sure with huge scars in our hearts.

Take care all

Love Anne

[k8smum]

i am stuck in the '2 years ago right this minute i still had my caitie' all the time this week...

i have found the 2nd year harder than the first as there is no buffering left. yet i still see her in my thots and keep thinking it just cannot be true that she is gone from me.

i don't use the term 'healing' much as i don't see grief over one's child as an illness that can be healed. i struggle to come to terms of acceptance of the way life is now, but sometimes i turn to denial, telling myself she is just away for a bit. it keeps me sane to take a respite from the realities of it all.

i want her back! and sometimes feel like throwing such a tantrum that the gods will accede just to shut me up.

i hate when people who don't walk this path say that loss makes you appreciate what you still have. i never took any happiness for granted. i know both my children are a blessing, and i didn't have to lose cait to know her worth.

her dad, brother and i are struggling this week and it won't ease at all til january, what with nov 27, then my son's birthday dec 7, then Christmas...it is all just too much at once. reminders, reminders, reminders.

love to all here,

annie

[mikesmum]

Kathy, saw the video, you are one amazing lady.  You are so right, no matter how many die, how much education or realisation is out there some just don't get it!

Keep the faith and raise the profile of your sons tragic death so you may be instrumental in changing the thinking of even one driver that may save just one life.

My other half and I recently did a debrief in our community for a group of young people where two lives were lost in an accident.  The driver wasn't speeding, wasn't drunk but his tyres were bald and 2 of his passengers weren't wearing seat belts.

Most of what was focussed on was the myth that they are immortal, made of titanium and just how quickly life and go from vibrant to gone.  My other half (intensive care paramedic) has been doing Road Trauma Education for years throughout the school communities.  His targets are 16 yr olds about to get their Learners.  He covers drink driving, safety and responible driving.  Many get it, but it seems that those that don't never will.

Anything you need or want assistance in supporting your foundation from 'downunder' let me know. 

Annie - that is the beauty of BI.  No one here will tell you to get over it, move on or be thankful for what you have.  Everyone here as at one time or another screamed to the powers that be - Bring them back, I want to them here now with me, to hold to talk to, to see their smiles just once more....please.......You are never alone here

Blessed be

Blessed be - Trudi

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Everyone.  Boy is life a struggle.

Kathy, UNBELIEVABLE!  How proud your son is of you.  I have no doubt that he was riding along right beside you.  The truth of the matter is that the young people do think they are invincible, and nothing will happen to them, including getting caught doing things they know are 100 percent wrong!

Not only drunk driving, but cautious, carefull driving does need to be instilled in the minds of these children.  My Justin was not drinking, driving maybe 15 miles over the speed limit at most (according to the accident investigation), but was not wearing his seatbelt and smashed his head on the roof of his SUV before it flipped several times, of which one time he was ejected out of the open passenger window, and thrown 30 feet.  Wow, I can't believe I just heard myself describe it.  The point is, I must have told Justin everytime he left the driveway, drive slow and wear your seatbelt, and then said a prayer to God to "Please keep my family safe."  EVERY TIME!!!!!!  The accident was around a very small turn, and he skidded and then swerved into this little cement wall the homeowner had by the road, for some reason.  That is what sent the car airborne.  Some say that something, possibly a deer ran in front of him, and he swerved not to hit it and then over corrected himself.  There is not one person who can understand how Justin could have lost his life that night, not one.  Well I just needed to let that out I guess.

Claudia:  I think of you all the time, and how you are our "rock" and how I am hoping for your strength and determination and hope throughout these days of such mixed emotion for you.  I am so happy that you are somehow finding the internet.  Please keep us posted.  While I certainly don't have any words of encouragement for you except to say that I feel your pain, and you are not alone, I know how much it helps just to "let it all out."  The other night when I posted that question to you had to be one of the lowest, most agonizing nights in my life.  I actually packed a suitcase to leave, just run away.  I stopped at my sister's house to give my neice something I had for her, and totally lost it, I would say it was as close to a nervous breakdown as one could get.  My sister lovingly calmed me down, and when my daughter called at 3AM hysterical crying for me to come home, something happened and I snapped out of it.  Who knows, maybe it was Justin's way of saying "mom, you're such a loser, get with it and do what you have to do, go home."  I don't know.  I'm sure each of you have had a few near nervouse breakdowns.    All my husband does at night is drink.  I don't know if I can handle it.  I told him that when he decides to stop drinking, he will still have to face the fact of what has happened to us, and by that time he just may have lost me, Kristi and Ryan too. (Yes, I've also been reading "self help" books, but they do help to focus on reality, and life, not death.)OK, I've been rambling again.  It just feels good to know I can do it here, with people who know, and do not judge.  Claudia, sending you a whole lot of love!

Trudi:  Thanks for looking at Justin's site.  I know the video takes about 10 minutes to download!  It means alot to me to show the world my Justin. 

Well, I love you all, and am hoping for Peace for all of us.

With Love,    Trish

 

[katant]

I

[fujismum]

Kathy - these will be tough days as you lead up to sentencing, and all the agony of an absent father suddenly seeing an oppportunity to cash in.I'm so sorry for that, it must be agony.

Oh Annie, I so agree with you about appreciating what we had always, even before we lost our darlings. "Lost" - such a starnge term to use, like we were careless or something, and mislaid them somewhere!But you know what I mean.ords are never right these days. So you play the denial game too? Sometimes just for a few minutes I try to pretend life is how it used to be and Jamie is just out, or at college ( he had two weeks blocks away studying) and all is well in my world.It never really works of course, but like you say gives a tiny breather from the agony of reality.I can't remember what it felt like now, to be happy, relaxed, to feel that my family was safe and all was well.I somehow don't believe that I will ever feel that again.The world is not a safe place and my family will never be together again, at least not on this side.

I hate weekends.That's family time, and my family is not complete and never will be.I don't like the rest of my week either, but the routine of a job I love and being with people who care ( yes I am very blessed in my colleagues) does ease me through the week days.

Trudi and Trish, my Jamie was one of those teenagers who  doesn't fit into any of the usual moulds of these accidents. He was doing nothing wrong on the night of his accident, not high speed(48mph in a 60mph limit), no alcohol or drugs, seatbelt on, car mechanically sound,dry fine weather, but for some reason he lost control on a bend and paid with his life.The way his car landed upside down it hit his head, instant death- gone. Hardly a mark on him.I don't know why, we will never understand it. There seems to be no lessons to learn from this, just a sense less death.I feel so sorry for those of you who have someone to blame, it must be agony, but we have another kind of agony- why?why?why? I suppose it falls into the category of genuine "accident", maybe a touch of inexperience, he had passed his test 6 weeks before just after turning 17. Whatever - our sons deaths are just so hard to understand, and the agony of the outcome is just as bad whatever the reason. Other kids walk away, ours died.Walk out the door strong, fit handsome and happy and never come back.I hate Friday nights. I don't know how we carry on, but we have to find a way.

Bless you all, mums in pain around the world.Dads too.

Love Anne

[mikesmum]

Anne - Yep, weekends, Friday nights suck.  My son and daughter have now graduated to the 'parenting roles'.  Each Sunday night, if we haven't caught up Steven will ring, 'how is it going, are you getting out, what have you been doing, are you sleeping any better".  Melissa rings Monday morning after the chaos of weekends when the kids are at school and kinder.  Same things.  Both are hesitant to ask me to take the kids, neither wanting to 'stress me out'.  It truly is sweet, but a bit premature, I had hoped to be in my 70's and crotchey from Alzheimers not bewildered at 50+ when they took over the care of mother!

Anne & Kathy another thing that sucks it the 'accidental death' of both boys.  Somehow in our minds if someone is drunk, driving erratically, no seat belt, unroadworthy car they are in essences asking for trouble.  But when someone goes by the book, takes the care, ensures they are playing by the rules and still loses, it just seems wrong!!

On the dad thing.  Micheals biological father left us when Mike was 3.  His sister was 2 and I had just given birth to Steven.  Re- emerging when Mike turned 17, he wanted to touch base before he retired. He was 38!!!  Mike spoke with him several times over the years, catching up with him when he flew into town on his way somewhere else.  Mike rang him the night before he died.  He never told any of us what Micheal spoke of that last night.

At the funeral he wanted to get up and say something about 'his son'.  My beautiful, demure (red haired) daughter looked him squarely in the eyes and said 'just what is it you want to say????  Its sounds harsh, but really, this man never paid child support, never sent cards presents etc for birthdays, christmas.  Never contacted the kids till he was flying off to retire!

He did offer to 'put in' for Mikes funeral, but he had to fly back home before he could get to the bank.......hmmmmmmmmmmm

Kathy, stand tall in the court.  Stay strong and focuss on the accused for sentencing.  Here we have 'victim impact statements' that are read to the accused in the open court before sentencing. They are a huge part of the healing process for the family, but they also allow a message to be sent to the one who took away your precious gift.

Will be thinking of you.    Oh yeah - karma!!!!!!!!

[mikesmum]

Kathy - it takes a pippet and petrie dish to make a baby, inanimate objects the allow cell division.....I think the pippet refers to the male component....the non father would fit right in here.  Made the baby, doesn't make him the father. 

Gotta hope the law in the states protects the parent that has soley raised, cared laid to rest this handsome, intelligent young man.   With luck the 'lawyers' who always seem to focus on their fee rather than the substance of their job, will rip him blind and the courts will see him for the @#+?##  he truly is. Thank goodness your folks will be reimbursed.

The only good thing this guy did for you was to give you Anthony. 

Will be thinking of you over these next days.  Breath throughout your delivery of the Victim Impact statement, try hard to be strong enough to let this person and the courts know the worth of the life taken, the devestation of the family left behind.  The message should clearly be sent that this is a serious crime.

Karma, karma, karma...........what goes around comes around.

[k8smum]

come 3am tomorrow morning (november 27) it will be 2 years since cait lost consciousness on our bathroom floor due, probably, to a brain bleed. by 10am we were back home grieving for the loss of our bright, beautiful girl.

cait was never ill til she began feeling badly in jan 2001. after weeks of hearing how 'well, she's a 14 yr old girl and you KNOW how they are' i knew something serious was going on with her. they finally redid the bloodwork for the upteenth time, faxed them to an oncologist and we were told to head to Childrens Hosp of Pittsburgh before the day was out.

they did an lp on her and a bone-marrow biopsy from the hip; the cancer cells were so packed they could hardly aspirate the marrow. she had 94% cancer cells. we were admitted, she was put on morphine for the pain in her bones and our lives were changed forever. they like to have kids in remission by day 7; caitie didn't reach it til day 25. but as they told me, she has ALL and that's the good leukemia. curable. for most.

we spent the next almost 5 years pumping poisons into her, irradiating her, making her sick as the perverbial dog. she only got 1 month total of school attendance after dx. she mourned the loss of her fertility, but would talk about one day becoming a 'mom just like you, momma. you are the best there is'.

one time she went 17 months without gaining remission after a relapse. we were losing her. then, suddenly she hit the magic number of cancer cells and was able to have a bone-marrow transplant. it was torture for her. she had what amounted to hundreds of cold sores from her lips all the way thru her digestive tract. she had burns from the full-body radiation. the pain was terrible. the precautions to protect her non-existant immune system necessitated isolation. it was just her and me, with phone calls to dad and brother.

but it was going to be alright! she was going to live, she adapted to the learning problems caused by the chemos over the years.

then, just 10 months after the transplant, the end of october 2005 she got up one morning and said: 'mom, my hips hurt really bad.' alarm bells went off in both our heads but i kept hoping that she'd slept wrong or something else. instead she had relapsed yet again. i kept asking the dr 'how do i tell her?" but she knew and came up behind me, circled my waist with her arms and told me that we'd just do it all again. she was so much braver than me, always!!

we entered hospital in november for extremely intense chemo. her transplant dr assured us we would be in til her counts recovered. then her regular oncologist, the head of the dept, told us she would go home and come to clinic 2 times/week for counts, chemo, platelets, etc.

i fought for 24 hours to keep her in hospital. it was thanksgiving week, tho, and her onc was adamant that is was alright for her to be home. finally i gave in. (cait was content to stay, which was something). i was tired and still in shock over the relapsed. i listened to him rather than my gut feeling.

we came home tuesday and she had a clinic appt on friday after t'giving. her dad took her as she wanted to give me a break. there was 1 nurse on duty, who was not the brightest crayon in the box. cait said she felt dehydrated by rose said, no, you're not and wouldn't even give her fluids. they only sent 1 bag of platelets so that's all rose gave her. then sent her home after being there for 5 hours. cait was disgusted and just wanted to come home; she was exhausted.

we always got a sheet printed out with her numbers; that day we didn't. i only found out later that her platelet count was 1, meaning 1000. healthy is 100,000. i don't know why either her dad or she didn't bring this up or why i didn't ask. i would have taken her right back and raised all sorts of hell...

on saturday i was playing video games while she watched and she suddenly said:'y'know mom, if dr. r doesn't think i;m going to make it, why doesnt' he just let me use dr g?? he still believes in me.'

we went to bed around midnite. at 3am i heard my son (18 months older than cait) scream for me, that cait was collapsing. i got to the bathroom and she was already losing consciousness. she said 'i'm scared, momma...am i gonna die?' i told her no, baby, you are just dehydrated. but i knew i was lying.

the ambulance finally came and she and i went into hospital. they asked me, en route, how much was to be done for her. i told them everything!

our car was broken down so my husband and son didn't get there til about 2 hours later. i have never felt so alone in my life. i watched them doing cpr on her, begged for help in making decisions re: life support, but the drs just looked at me as if i were speaking an alien language. i told them to stop then they told me they had a pulse back...if i could have gotten a gun i would have shot myself.

i begged for info and help. i received none. finally bill and our son mick arrived. we decided to stop life support. we entered the room, bill and mick each held a hand while i stroked her bald head and quietly sang her favourite song in her ear. i told her she could go. the tech said that her readings were all over the place but they calmed down when we got there.

then it was over. my baby, my heart was no longer in this world. we went home to the emptiness left by her passing.

i would not let them do an autopsy as they had messed with her enuff over the years. i wanted them to just leave her alone.

BUT! how i wish someone would have said: 'y'know you don't have to do this right now. wait til tomorrow, give yourself some time.' but no one could be bothered, or take the responsibility.

the oncologist who sent her home finally phoned the following tuesday, telling me how surprised they all were to hear of cait's death! but also how fortunate we were that she hadn't lingered. if i had been in his presence i would have spit on him. they have a policy of not meeting with parents whose kids die...the only deptartment allowed to have that rule.

i know if we'd stayed in hospital we would not have lost her then. they would have monitored her counts and infused platelets. she would have had a chance. after the 5 years of dealing with leukemia we had neither the strength nor the finances to sue.

we once talked about the possibility of her dying.  i told her ok. you see death. acknowledge him, tell him you know he's been hanging about. then tell him to piss off, you've got more important things to do than worry about him all the time. things like living, fighting.

that's all i wanted: for her to spend her time living rather than dying. and to not be afraid at the end. i pray she heard my lie to her!

i take responsibility for not fighting hard enuff, long enuff about her staying in hospital. the 'if onlys' are a bitch. i know i never did anything regarding her treatment with anything but her welfare in mind, but i effed up badly that time and there was no second chance.

want to know what the hospital was concerned about? whether or not anyone had walked us to our car after she died. that is a big deal to them. i would laff if it weren't so insanely assinine.

people think that when you have a child with cancer you are lucky, you have the chance to say goodbye. but it's just not true. you never, ever give up on that child!! you fight every day for that life. you cry alone and then wash your face and go back to face the endless beepings from the iv machines. you find ways of making them laff when they are so sick it breaks your heart. but you never, ever give up!

i am sorry this is so long, but it only skims it. i want her back. to those who say 'you wouldn't want her back sick, would you' i say 'in a ny minute!' we'd fight the good fight, laff at the ridiculousness of it all and keep holding each other up.

cait is my heart, my hero and my very breath. each day is a struggle of staying in this world while she is not here.

annie

(i am moving this here because this is where i meant to post.)

[4everjoeysmom]

K8smum, BIG HUGS!!!  Thinking of you today...  Love, Joey's Mom, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

I remember how I felt almost immediately after Joey died; how desperate I was to remember everything, to not forget a single thing about Joey.  Grieving the first year has been different for me—so different, perhaps even out of the ordinary.  I’ve heard from time to time grieving parents say after losing a child that they are packing up and moving, leaving the painful memories behind.  In a sense, I guess that’s what I did.  Even though my desperation to hold onto and never forget memories was overwhelming, I picked up and left it all behind, returning to my work in another country.  In this I was able to escape the many painful “firsts” that painfully take one’s breath away, as if the mere fact that losing my child isn’t sufficient pain in itself.  It’s inevitable in a familiar place to have memories of time and events shared, like shopping, a favorite restaurant or movie, or a person, place or thing slap you in the face with such a forceful blow that cannot be avoided.  But in a strange and new place everything is different.  Certainly there will be reminders, but they are distant reminders that bring sadness in a way that is less sharp from the blunt stabs that feel like they could surely kill.  It is in the distance where I spent my first year recovering and healing.  It has been 16 months now since Joey has been gone.  Currently I am with my family, “home for the holidays”, so to speak.  Though this is the second holiday season without Joey, in so many ways it feels like the first as I face the many events and familiarities shared over 23 years, now, without him here.  It has become my season of many firsts.

 

Today, as I accompanied my step-mom to the hospital for a surgical procedure, I experienced a tremendous first.  A young couple also waited with their two very small boys.  There must have been no more than a year’s difference in age between the two—just like my Joey and Patrick.  They reminded me so much of my children at that age.  Soon it was time for the little ones to be ushered into pre-op for their scheduled procedures.  And as the nurse came in to escort them into the small ambulatory care room, the older of the two boys broke into a crying sob that immediately carried me into a time long ago when Joey was about that age.  Joey had a lot of problems with his ears when he was little, and twice had tubes surgically placed into his eardrums.  As that little boy wailed, I was swept away, into the past, in such a vivid, virtual-reality way that it felt as if time had been rewound.  There I was with my little boy, sobbing and wailing uncontrollably because he was terrified of everything that moved in his unfamiliar surroundings.  I held him tightly, and kissed him, and worked my hardest to comfort and console him as I wrapped his blanket around him and snuggled his bear (Friend) closer to him.  I could taste the salt of his tears and smell the sticky sweat of his neck.  My heart felt like it would burst.  I found myself longing to stay in that moment, to have time rewind permanently to 20-some years ago and leave me there…  and then as quickly as the moment came there I stood, grasping for the moment, but it would not return.  It had gone.

 

Life is funny in a peculiar kind of way.  As my heart leaped into a self-protective state over the past year, in its unfamiliar territory, the memories became cloudy.  I feared they would not return, but at the same time I was not ready for them to return.  The physical and emotional distance had become a blessing in disguise.  I had some trouble adapting and integrating deeper into my new home and language, but I had peaceful healing in the midst as well.  Then today arrived, a new day in a familiar place.  And the memories flooded in so strong that the event which took place 20+ years ago seemed so much fresher and more real today than it had been on the day it happened so long ago.  It was a memory so lost in time, it hadn’t been thought of for many, many years, even while Joey was here.  Imagine that!  My fear of losing memories I need no longer carry, because memories I didn’t even know had been stored in my soul came to visit me today.  It’s as if Joey continues to give of himself to me, through my heart and through my mind…  alas through my memories.

 

I learned today that through the years we had together, every single moment has created a memory to discover in depth, to relive through rewind, and to relish in, cherishing those moments more than I ever did in the time of the original memory-making moment itself.  Thank you, Joey!  I miss you!!!  Always, Mommy

[katant]

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, If I could physically reach through and hug you right now, I would... 

((((((((BIG HUGS KATHY!!!)))))))

I feel your pain....

[katant]

Me too  ((BIG HUGS BACK)))

I need it.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - there once was a time where at a certain age I felt sure I had found my comfort zone.  After years of nursing I had finally found a job I was passionate about and by all accounts I was good at.

Like you I can no longer face the my job .  Having stood with a calltaker giving CPR instructions to Mikes partner unsuccessfully I find I am no longer capable of the skills needed to assist people in an emergency.  Just hearing my husbands two way radio in the house sets me into a non directional spiral.

I wish for you to find the strength to get through Dec 15, I am sure all here will be with you in spirit. 

I applaude your strength not only for seeing Anthony's journey through to the end (court) but for striving for some normality in your own right.  Keep the memories close.

Trudi

[iansmom]

It's been a while since I've been here.  Been making a lot of changes to make it through.  Funny how it is that I know it's for the best to make these changes but at the same time it's extremely painful.  We moved from our lil town to an even smaller town because facing everyday the places that our son played ball, golf, hung with friends, the places I kept expecting to see him was not easy.   We lived in the center of things, city park, ball parks etc...  Now I can choose the times to walk down memory lane.  But there seems to be an unseen cord that is not easily loosed (don't want to break) but I've found myself at the edge of tears that all someone has to say is boo and I'm crying.  Thanksgiving was hard.  Our second without Ian. 

I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving.  Iansmom, Faith

[katant]

Trudy

[luvumicheal]

I can only imagine what you are going through...it's been a year and still you grieve...it's only been 1 month since my sons death.....and I miss him soooo much....he was only 25 years old and decided he didnt want to live anymore.....I am so heart broken ..and the days do not seem to get better....I find myself dragging each and every day.....I have a long road ahead of me....and i know I will never stop grieving..just for the fact that me and my son had such a good relationship...and he chosw to hurt himself without acknowledging the fact that mom  was here like i've always been.....

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I tried to go back, twice.  First time was a month after Micheal died.  I was dispatching ambulance and with every job about a yong male in any type of emergency I was a basket case.  One job was a guy 31 who had taken his life, details were sketchy and I never felt so out of control since Micheal had died.

I tried  non emerg, but I was still in the same area and memories/flashbacks to the day haunted every minute.  Even seeing the staff on duty frin that day was a nightmare.

My thoughts and energies are being sent to you to achieve your potential with the course, the non paying you know what, the insurance and above all the sentencing. 

Courts here recently sentenced a DUI to 8yrs for killing his passenger....seems to be minute compared to the literal, life sentence faced by you and yours.

[fujismum]

Kathy, I'm sure all of us will be lifting you up in thoughts and prayers as you face Friday.I pray that you will have strength and courage and that the outcome will give you a least some sense of justice in the court proceedings.Nothing can ever put this right but we all have to trust our legal systems and that those who make the decisions will make wise and fair ones.

I am sorry so many of you who work in the health sector are struggling to return.I too work in  a hospital and found it very difficult and traumatic at first to return. But I loved my job and felt it would be yet another loss to have to leave, and with the help of my counsellor I have managed to continue.He helped me understand what I found so difficult there, hearing ambulance sirens, seeing policemen and paramedics, seeing young men on trolleys.But worst of all, walking along the main corridor that passed by the mortuary. He helped me isolate what I found most difficult, to understand why and that these things were triggers and I was hypersensitive to them.And also to avoid THAT  corridor, I now walk a long way round rather than face that. I had to learn new strategies to cope. Now , 15 months on I am able to cope better with these things but it never quite leaves me.Ambulance sirens will always give me that sense of unease, someone elses tragedy unfolding, maybe another young life lost. Not long after I returned I had to spend time with a young lad my son's age, who had stolen a car and crashed it.His injuries read exactly like my sons death certificate, yet this criminal walked away without any long term effects.I found that very hard to bear.These things are not fair at all.

I truly hope that you will find an alternative that works for you, another field of work or study that helps. The days are long enough without having to fill whole days when you are not working.Not to mention the financial implications.

I have been reading the posts but not writing, it has been a difficult time .Jamie's headstone was put in place yesterday.This seems very very final.We are "happy" with it but it is so dreadful to have to do such a thing.Christmas is coming and I dread it even more than last year.We are in reality now, last year we were like stunned rabbits caught in the headlights, this year we know and feel our pain in a very real way. Love to you all.Anne

[wyomingsal]

Anne,

I am glad your son's headstone was finally put in.  It seems to take forever sometimes.  It must bring all sorts of mixed feelings to see the final product.  We are still waiting for ours, but at least we have a little granite temporary stone with Joshua's name and dates on it.  We have also decked it out for Christmas.  It is kind of sad that his grave looks all Christmassy and our home has no decorations yet.  I need to rectify that for our other children.  It is just hard to get into the decorating spirit. 

Sal

[lagrangel]

How difficult it is to decorate for Christmas. Our son's headstone was put in last month and it is beautiful. I had several people tell me that Brent would have loved it. That is why we picked this stone out because it was Brent.  I go to Brent's grave so often even though I know he is not there but I quess I just feel the need. It is truly been very hard the last month. I feel as though it all just starts all over once again. You are so right Anne it is just another final stage. It just grabs you and it seems to start over once again. I am trying to get through the holidays and keep my other two boys in mind and try to have a somewhat ok Christmas. Brent's birthday is coming up on the 11th and it just seems just another thing to get through.  You are all in my prayers. Love Lana

[fujismum]

Lana, how hard is that- a December birthday for Brent so soon after thanksgiving and so close to Christmas.What a very difficult month this must be for you.

Isn't it difficult to actually get your head together enough to make decisions about a grave stone you never in your worst nightmare expected to need? I found it so hard even to open a brochure about grave stones, it took literally weeks for me to be able to do that.But my husband was anxious to get it sorted so I had to try for his sake. Then we spent days wondering around grave yards looking out for young peoples stones and seeing what they looked like.How macabre is that? Yet I guess many of us have done that too.Then once we have made the decision, the agony of seeing those words in stone - this is forever, our child has truly gone. That's why I love talking to you guys, you are going through this too and know the agony of every step.

Would it be too strange to put photos in of our childrens's memorials? I would like to see what you have done.If this is insensitive forgive me please.This is a strange new world we live in now and sometimes I feel I am going mad.

I like the idea of Christmas decorations too, it helps to include them doesn't it? Sal I hope you are able to get the decorations up for your other children soon, it is important for them that they still have lovely Christmas's in their memory banks.But it is so hard to do, I know.I pray you will have the strength to do this for your family.And for all of us, that we will get through and honour our children's memories in everything we do. Love Anne

[jordansproudmom]

I know we are going to be reading impact statements as well. We are in the very beggining  stage of the legal fight. All in all I feel as if the D.A. isn't all that concerned. They seemed to care when this first happened...we are going to do everything we can blah blah blah. I can't help but feel like no one cares.  This girl who killed my son sent letters on Thanksgiving. Not once saying she was sorry. She was high and drunk while my son was a passenger on a Rhino ATV. I just don't want this to drag on. But, the D.A. said he was sure her lawyer will want this to go to trial and he also said the defense with fill the jury with men, because the girl is attractive and they will feel sorry for her. That is disgusting. But, I guess that's their job. I am just sick and frustrated. I don't see much hope or help in out legal system. I send you strength and power to read your impact statement. Hope it all goes well. I will pray for justice for your son.

 

Simone

 

[user=16461]katant[/user] wrote:

I just can't even bring myself to even think about celebrating.  Friday will be something I have no idea how I will react.  Will I be able to speak for Anthony in reading my Victim Impact Statement?  How will I react when I hear the woman who hit and killed my son speak and say she is sorry.  You should have thought about that before you got into that SUV and crushed my son's car.

My son was killed 10 days before Christmas and 3 weeks from his birthday.  It will be a long time to find happiness in this time of the year for me.  I love my family and they understand.  Actually most of us are going out of the State for Christmas.  I am going to Texas from Dec. 18 to the 28.

I am tired and just trying to figure out my feelings.  I need to find a new counselor.

Friday, just less than 48 hours away.  Then next Saturday Anthony will be gone 1 year.  Where did the time go???????????

It's just crazy

goodnight

kathy

[jordansproudmom]

I know we are going to be reading impact statements as well. We are in the very beggining  stage of the legal fight. All in all I feel as if the D.A. isn't all that concerned. They seemed to care when this first happened...we are going to do everything we can blah blah blah. I can't help but feel like no one cares.  This girl who killed my son sent letters on Thanksgiving. Not once saying she was sorry. She was high and drunk while my son was a passenger on a Rhino ATV. I just don't want this to drag on. But, the D.A. said he was sure her lawyer will want this to go to trial and he also said the defense with fill the jury with men, because the girl is attractive and they will feel sorry for her. That is disgusting. But, I guess that's their job. I am just sick and frustrated. I don't see much hope or help in out legal system. I send you strength and power to read your impact statement. Hope it all goes well. I will pray for justice for your son.

 

Simone

 

[user=16461]katant[/user] wrote:

I just can't even bring myself to even think about celebrating.  Friday will be something I have no idea how I will react.  Will I be able to speak for Anthony in reading my Victim Impact Statement?  How will I react when I hear the woman who hit and killed my son speak and say she is sorry.  You should have thought about that before you got into that SUV and crushed my son's car.

My son was killed 10 days before Christmas and 3 weeks from his birthday.  It will be a long time to find happiness in this time of the year for me.  I love my family and they understand.  Actually most of us are going out of the State for Christmas.  I am going to Texas from Dec. 18 to the 28.

I am tired and just trying to figure out my feelings.  I need to find a new counselor.

Friday, just less than 48 hours away.  Then next Saturday Anthony will be gone 1 year.  Where did the time go???????????

It's just crazy

goodnight

kathy

[loveyoujustin]

HI EVERYONE,  IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT I FEEL THE NEED TO BE HERE.  I READ THE POSTS EVERY NIGHT, AND JUST FEEL SO MUCH PAIN THAT I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS TO WRITE.

KATHY, YOU WILL BE IN MY THOUGHTS, AND I TRULY HOPE JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED, IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT JUSTICE.  THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOBODY WHO COULD EVEN BEGIN TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND HOW WE FEEL UNTIL THEY WALK TWO STEPS IN OUR SHOES. (WHICH I WOULD NEVER WISH ON ANYBODY!)

LANA, IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU WRITE A BIT.  I MISSED YOU.  I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU THIS MONTH TOO.  CHRISTMAS IS HARD, BUT I AM PUSHING, AND ACTUALLY THE MEDICATION IS HELPING ALOT.  MY OTHER TWO CHILDREN WANT TO DO EVERYTHING EXACTLY AS WE USED TO.  I'M TRYING, BUT I DECIDED NOT TO GET ANY DECORATIONS OUT, I JUST COULDN'T BEAR IT, SEEING ALL OF THOSE MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS WITH  JUSTIN HERE.  I DECIDED TO GET A TREE THAT WE CAN LATER PLANT, AND I AM DEDICATING IT TO JUSTIN, AND DECORATING IT WITH DOVES, BUTTERFLIES, AND CANDLE ORNAMENTS.  HE LIKED TO SKETCH AND I FOUND A PICTURE OF A RECENT SKETCHING WITH A BEAUTIFUL DOVE, BELOW A CROSS.  I DECIDED THAT I AM GOING TO GET A TATOO OF HIS SKETCH.  ANOTHER THING I AM DOING IS THROUGH JUSTINS MEMORIAL FUND, I AM GOING TO FIND A VERY NEEDY FAMILY, AND PRESENT THEM WITH A CHECK SO THAT THEY CAN BUY CHRISTMAS GIFTS  AND A MEAL.  JUSTIN LIKED KIDS, AND CHRISTMAS, AND THIS WILL HONOR HIS LIFE IN SUCH A HAPPY WAY.  KEEP POSTING.  I FEEL LIKE I NEED YOU SINCE WE ARE ON THE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME ROAD, (TIMEWISE)

ANNE,  I'M HAPPY TO SEE YOU BACK TOO.  I FEEL AS THOUGH I CAN TALK MORE TO ALL OF YOU THAN ANY OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS, OR EVEN THE THERAPIST.  SOMETIMES I JUST STAY QUIET, AND PRETEND.  IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR MONTHS SINCE JUSTIN WENT TO PARADISE, BUT I DO KNOW THAT I HAVE TO TRY MY BEST TO GO ON, I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE.  I AM JUST TRYING TO LEARN HOW.  SOME MOMENTS ARE JUST SO UNBEARABLE THAT I PUSH THE THOUGHT OF HIM OUT OF MY MIND, AND THEN I FEEL TERRIBLE AS IF I AM BETRAYING HIM AND FORGETTING HIM.  IT'S JUST A BIG MESS OF HEARTACHE, LEARNING TO LIVE WITH A BROKEN HEART AND A BIG SPACE IN MY VERY SOUL. 

OK, ENOUGH.  GUESS I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT A LITTLE.  DON'T FORGET IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, WWW.JSWMEMORIALFUND.COM  MY DAUGHTER MADE THE WEBSITE.  PLEASE GIVE THE VIDEO ABOUT 4 MINUTES TO DOWNLOAD, IT'S REALLY NICE. 

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU JUSTIN, AND I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.  GOODNIGHT.