Loss of a Teenager

[katant]

I am meeting with the Director Tuesday night to get the teaching packet.  I am actually so looking forward to this and I have been getting such great feedback from my family and friends and it's just I think what will help me through my days without Anthony at my side...

As 15 months passed, I was sad but I also lost my Uncle Joe last Tuesday and Anthony would go to his auto body shop all the time and they had a unique connection and he called him papa..not uncle.

It was just cool and when I went to the funeral home, I walked in the front doors and my whole body started shaking....my Aunt came up to me and could not believe that I had come to see Uncle Joe (he passed in his sleep) and she held my hand and walked me to the casket...i was numb...felt like falling...i just kept saying..it's okay...i'm okay...well i wasn't.  It was so hard but it meant the world to my Aunt Diane so I guess i did good for her, but the next day I was in such tension...my muscle...hurt.  My Counselor suggested massage therapy...cranial/sacral work and I have an appt. tomorrow...i can't wait to see if she can help with sleeping.  I am staying up way to late and getting up late and sleeping in little spurts of 3-4 hours which is not good.

Of course I had to watch 20/20 tonight and it was on how important sleep is to our lives and health...blahhhhhhhhhhhhh    so i hope this helps.

I talked to a girl at work and she just hates it there and I feel so good about my decision, I know I am doing the right thing.

thanks for ur support...ill let u know how the massage is.

kathy katant

[katant]

Well today was a bad day.  Tried to make my way to the massage appointment and could not find it...got so frustrated and felt so stupid I cried all the way home.

I live about 20 minutes from downtown Prov. and I drove around for an hour and 1/2.  I am tired, feel like **** and feel just stupid.  I hate that my mind does not work the way it used to.  I hate that I could just have my whole day planned and get everything done easy and in short amount of time.  Now I miss on-ramps, exits, forget where I am and seriously pisses me off.

I wish I could make it stop.  Stop forgetting what the heck I am talking about in a sentence.  Stop not being able to type or write the simplest words.

I have to write everything down. 

I hate going to bed at night and the same mini movie plays over in my head in a loop, the night i walked into the room and saw my son lying on a stretcher...gone...just taken away from me and i am just so frustrated.  Some days I just want to give up.

What is the point?  I pray I am not living this life for another 40-50 years...i think i will end up a drug addict or dead.

having a bad day...venting and hoping i will feel better in a bit....just this SUCKS and there is no other way to explain it...sucks.

i love u anthony and forever in my heart and god i wish we could be together again for just a day, an hour....a minute...

kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Kathy,

It's so darned easy to become overwhelmed when life hands us curves.  I feel at my witts end today as well.  For whatever reason my plumbing decided to back up today in my kitchen floor drain and in my shower.  After hours of trying to snake pipes that seem to have endless jonts and turns, nothing!  I think it's worse than when we started, because now the only fixture that isn't backing up in use is the toilet--thank God!  But still, I feel so distressed that I cannot wash a dish, take a shower, or brush my teeth without having water back up.  Needless to say I feel completely overwhelmed with emotion, and I too have that helpless, stupid feeling.  I think it's like a computer chip in our brain that went bad when we lost our boys, and now we are unable to process certain things well or at all when our machines go into overload--like today for the both of us.  It seems so overwhelming at times to even think about the next minute, so even more difficult to think positively that tomorrow is another day.  I pray tomorrow will be better for us both.  Sending you GREAT BIG HUGS, Claudia.

P.S. Love that photo of Anthony!! 

[bigmikesmom]

Kathy,

Please don't get too hard on yourself. I know exactly how you feel. It's not you. It's this d--- grief that makes us feel like we are going crazy. I felt so frustrated last week because I was stuck by a train for 20 minutes and had a meeting I was supposed to be at. I was mad at myself to because I got like that and thought "this is no big deal, nothing is anymore,when you compare it to the loss of our sons" but our emotions are so heightend right now that it is so easy to become helpless, frustrated and feel stupid. You know you are a very intelligent ,kind,loving and from what I saw in your picture,beautiful lady. I am glad you vented on here rather than keeping inside. Good Job!Love,

Patti-BigMike'sMom

[bigmikesmom]

Claudia,

I am sorry about your day too. The same goes for you too but I think you know more about this stuff than I do. You have helped me so much through all this.

Love,

Patti

[mikesmum]

Kathy - it might just be the lining up of the planets or the wind changing direction, but you describe the last 14 months that saw the destruction of my 'intelligence'.

The getting lost, losing my train of thought, and appointments.....well lets just say my doctor and psych appointments would reflect my brains adhoc approach to remembering.......

The frustration I feel for me comes from the overwhelming reminder of loss.  I used to be able to multiskill in so many things.  Balance a dozen dinner plates while spinning them counter clockwise, now I don't even know where the plates are......I used to be able to remember not only my schedule but the other half's as well as the kids and grandkids....now I find reminder messages on my email/mobile/calendar are essential....trouble is I have a problem remembering what day it is, what month and what relevance any of it has to now!

I find that the simpliest thing that would never have phased me now becomes the downfall of my entire universe.........Bottom line....losing Mike as with losing Anthony, was the downfall of my universe....

Be kinder to yourself........losing Anthony and the subsequent  fallout of life that has been your last months does nothing to enhance  mental or physical health......

Jimmy Jams at the ready, chockie at hand and lots of tissues..........we are all right there with you..............

 

[katant]

Pattie, clauda, mikesmom....

I guess today just started like ****.  I had a message the probate court was rescheduled today until april 10 and then I received a letter in the mail from the insurance company.

After 15 months....dealing with insurance and civil suits with nothing even settled yet has just been a horrible nightmare about this I don't want to deal with but know I have to.

Mikesmom...my mind was like yours, I could do 10 things at once...standing in an emergency operation, just me and the surgeon getting 5 things ready at once, holding this, cutting that, clamp this, and then the doc would always say....stay with me...i'm like...okay with my 3rd hand, my trick will be balancing on my head...and then we would laugh even in an emergency until another doc showed up.  And remember Anthony's school/work/hockey schecule as well as mine and my call nights...

I am freaked out now I have to arrange my medication because I forget if I took a damn pill or not....

it's 2am and can't sleep...my sister's husband called me and  he was  like...what can I do to help.  I said....TURN BACK TIME...he said...I wish I could but we need to stay strong, cry and then laugh and we did.

You guys here have no idea how much you help me through my bad days and the amazing one moment like finding that picture of anthony, it was like seeing him again...new and fresh...and then just have a day like today.

All I kept thinking, crying and driving and actually seeing all the bars full at 2 in the afternoon because it was St. Patricks day and seeing people driving weird..i was like i just want to get home.

I have my calender on my desk, calender in my bathroom, my phone and my computer and I have to look twice even three....

thank u from the bottom of my heart.

thank u claudia about the picture...that totally is anthony, always grinning and just being him...i miss it so much.

thank u and i am going try and go to bed now....

love and dreams...kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Aren't you overqualified for teaching "Stress Stuff"?  Only joking.  Its great to hear you are finding some positives in your journey. 

Thought of you the other day, a news editorial here on a single mum who lost two sons.  One was 30, he was a police officer and suffice to say he had left a financial legacy.  29yrs ago his dad walked out on the family never to be seen again.  And you guessed it, he is taking her to court to get half of his sons inheritence!!!   She is lobbying here for much the same as you.....the law sucks across the globe.

Hope the meditation works for you......never had the ability to shut my mind long enough to get the benefits.

Love the words you posted.....might want to drop by the Loss of an Adult and put it up there.....same problems....so many just don't get it.

Take Care - Trudi

[bigmikesmom]

kathy,

I was just thinking about you and here is a post from you. Amazing. I am happy that you will be starting the job. I really like teaching. I have clinicals tomorrow 7:30-6pm. The other RN had set the schedule. I do not think I will do it like that next session. I haven't gotten up at 6am for awhile because I stay up so late. I am glad you wrote. God Bless!

 

 PATTI-BIGMIKESMOM

[davidsmom]

Hi all, I am also doing "ok"...By that I mean I am not ONLY sitting around crying. I am also now staring blankly for hours on end. Seriously though, I am doing all right. Wish I had something new to report, but I guess this is "good news"...Just waiting for Spring, or should I say Spring Weather!! I do spend alot of time learning to do web graphics, photo manipulation...One of these days I may need to get a part time job. I haven't worked since David was killed. Since I have MS, there is NO way I could go back to Nursing, or Teaching for that matter. And Reporting does NOT sound "fun" quite yet...Not even sure where I can go in life.

Missing Dear David Always,

Lisa

[katant]

Lisa

Patti Truddi...

I think of all you often and I actually have been sleeping much better.  The massage was good and I have another one this Friday.  I also think the Meditation is helping and I am actually going to the gym on Monday.  3pm.

Wow, about the woman who lost both her boys...I am just praying that #1 the son had a Will, since that might help.  If not...my gosh it is a nightmare.

The Probate date for me has been postponed until May 8th, which is fine because the investigation into the lawyers coming to the Wake is still open.  And I am hoping they do something to them and that will help our case, either way, the Legislation is in the works and I guess I have learned to just let the legal group deal with things and I just look for any updates.....

Yes, spring is coming and Lisa you are doing okay because your doing some beautiful work on the computer, I am good on the computer but your pictures are wonderful.

So the Stress management class "I KNOW"  it's kinda full circle in a way.  Last night I came home and out of no where sitting on the stack of towels was the clip to Anthony cell phone that is in my special draw of his things they had taken out of the car...his watch, cell phone, his keys, pictures...and the clip was in my bathroom?????  I was just standing there and picked it up and it had dirt and dried blood on it and I am just thinking to myself...how the heck did this get here....I held it for awhile last night and came into my room and actually broke down, crying looking at his pictures, in a state of disbelief all over again.  weird. maybe it was a sign? he put it there? I have not seen it for 15 months and out of nowhere there it is?? 

So I have a busy week...im tired today but it's 2pm in the afternoon and soon i can go back to sleep...

katant...kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, (Ant's Mom) SUPER GIANT HUGS!!!  I'm so sorry for the devastation all over again.  I remember so vividly taking the things of Joey's brought over from the funeral director, who had received them from the cops.  They were in a plastoc bag--his wallet, a chapstick, his flip flops, and the necklace he NEVER took off from the very forst day I gave it to him almost 2 years earlier.  I could tell the leather cord of the necklasce had been cleaned in some kind of chemical to remove the blood.  The silver barrel of the necklace (trhe central focal point) has a flattened edge on one small part from the trauma of what happened to Joey ever so slightly touching the necklace.  I couldn't bear to look at it for a while without crying.  My husband waned it so badly, and I did finally give it to him a few months ago, but it wasn't easy.  He wears it now, and doesn't take it off.  I want him to have it.  I really do, but psychologically it is still a hurdle for obvious and various reasons.  I sympatize so much with you to have seen ant's blood on something of his that was one of the last things he touched, and how it just appeared in front of you.  All I can do is weep for you and send hugs, because I know exactly what that feels like.  Love, Claudia

[katant]

Claudia.......XOXOXOX

It was weird seeing that clip...it's just..where did it come from? 

When I got to the hospital and they brought me into the room Anthony was in, he was just lying there and I wanted to throw up...then the mom in me kicked in and just went right over to him, put the side rail down and hugged him, kissing his forhead, blood on his face (they wouldn't clean him up due to the crash)...They told me I could not really touch him...Yeah Right!!!  I rubbed his face, eyebrows, lips, held his hand, laid with him and just rubbed his tattoo on his right arm...Americo...his middle name after his grandfather.  Something he was so proud of.  I wish now I took a picture of it.

He had a silver gucci bracelet on his right wrist, I took it off and put it on mine.  I wear it every day, only to take off for a shower.  I took his girlfriends neclace off to give it to her.  His sneakers were in a bag.  But he was coming home from work so his clothes he left with were somewhere else.  Later that week my dad went to see the car and got his cell phone, his watch, his keys, and his clothes...the wallet was given to me by the nurse.  She waited until I was leaving and gave it to me and hugged me and just felt horrible and I was just so overwhelmed to have that.  I sleep with it under my pillow.

I never went to get his other work clothes at the medical examiners office...didn't need those I had what I wanted. 

I can't imagine Claudia not being able to see him after the crash, I know what you had told me and it's just best to know him as perfect as we remember.

Im reading a new book.  "Bad Things that Happen To Good People"...just starting it and it's okay.

So my job starts a week from Monday and I am hoping this will help me.  If not I am stuck...but not thinking that way...this is what I need and I am actually looking forward to it...Big HUGS BACK TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Claudia....your a special lady and thank you for being in my life.

Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, So cool that you have and wear Ant's Gucci bracelet every day!  I have a silver ring of Joey's.  On the outside it says boldly, Carpe Diem (Seize The Day), and inside are a series of numbers 1-12, strategically placed.  There is a tiny hole very precisely drilled into the ring and a flat part on one part where the ring sits upright on the ground.  If placed in the shining sun, it is a sun dial.  Where the sun hits inside through the hole, it lands on a number and tells time depending on the angle of the sun at that time of day.  it's pretty accurate.  I wear on a silver chain now and then, but I actually have the very same ring in my size.  I bought them for me, Joey and Patrick whil i was on my honeymoon trip with my now husband.  It's such a special piece, and I am really glad I have it.  I hope truly that you find comfort in wearing Ant's bracelet.  He loved it, I'm sure, and it's so cool that you have it.

About the clip and how it got there...  it's a mystery.  Maybe it is a sign...one to begin the next phase of your journey, which will open you up to new plateaus.  It will always be painful, this jouney.  But it will have some bright spots along the way in time....  some moments of peace in your memories, and some moments of growing hope in knowing death is not the end.  It's the beginning of eternity beyond what we can imagine fully.  We were created for much more than this.  Believe it....  so much more........

Yeah....  (sigh)  I don't know, besides some honest relief, how I feel about having not seen Joey.  Part of me wishes i had....but for what?  One last touch?  I don't believe the lasting images of horror etched in my mind and heart would have been worth it.....  I have to believe it was for the best that no one but Mile (our friend and director) actually handled everything having to do with Joey's body.  He actually handled him personally, because he knew what that meant to us.  Thank God for friends like him.

I am hoping and praying the job wrks out for you Kath.  I know how much good a positive diversion can do for a hurting heart and soul.  You're really special too.  And I know Ant did not leave this world in vain.  You have to believe that and know somehow, some way, the light of having him for even these short number of years will light your path along this future journey.  Blessings and HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Lana and Trish, Thinking of you both....  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[lagrangel]

Claudia,

  Thanks, it has just been a up and down ride lately. I read many of the posts but just stay silent most of the time. I see so many new people and feel for their pain but it is difficult for me at this time to give much advice when I am at a lost so many days. I thought things were getting easier but when I had spring break from school and had all that time on my hands I just seemed to get worse. I keep thnking the pain will get easier. It has been 7 months and there are days it feels like the first few weeks all over again. I think of you often and your words of encouragement gives me strength. This journey is so painful and it seems so sad that our"normal" life will never be. I am so glad that we have this place to come because noone understands unless you have felt this terrific pain.  I thank each and everyone for sharing their lives and thoughts each and everyday.  Some of us are still new to this journey and it is our lifeline in our time of need.  Love to all, Lana

[4everjoeysmom]

Lana, I'm glad just reading helps at times.  You don't have to post unless you feel like it, and honestly, mourning the loss of our kids and this terrible grief takes a lot of energy out of us.  After going on 2 years, I still lack the motivation I once had.  It's a real daily struggle to get moving into doing something productive.  And I know how overwhelming it is through various stages to see so many new parents joining the club of the forever broken hearted.  I went through that time when I just couldn't read another post or say anything at all for being so overwhelmed.  I'm glad you know we are here for you whenever you do feel like reaching out.  It's truly the only thing I have to give...  my self....  but I'm truly happy to be someone you can relate to.  If I have helped you or anyone else in even the tiniest way, then I feel like losing Joey wasn't for naught.    Blessings and BIG BIG HUGS, Claudia

[lagrangel]

Claudia, you have been a true blessing in my life and many others.

                                                                       Love and peace, Lana

[loveyoujustin]

Hey Guys, it's Trish.  I can't believe that we are actually online at the same time!  Claudia, my feelings and actions are exactly the same as Lana's.  I usually read all of the posts under "loss of a child."  I just still feel so lost that when I see the "newcomers" I feel as though I can't be of any help to them, but it helps me to see that I am not alone.

You Claudia have been a true inspiration and "ray of hope" for me as well.  I am sure there will come a time when I feel like I can be in conversation here and start posting again, but I guess right now I am so very "withdrawn" to myself in my thoughts and feelings.  Not only here on BI, but in general.  I truly feel that we are all connected here, and there will not be any other source of support and comfort as close to my heart as my "circle of friends" here on BI.

I think about each and everyone of you, all of the time, and my wishes and hopes are for peace in our hearts for all of us on this journey which only we were chosen to take, for a reason unbeknownst to us.  With Love and Peace,   Trish

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, It's good to hear that you have been getting a little more sleep.  Sleep depravation can add so much more to being depressed.  Our bodies need to replenish energy, and the only way to really get that is sleep.  So it appears you must have found the massage therapist's location?    I'm glad for that too, and that it's helping you.

That is wierd running into that same lady at the fitness club.  But as she said, people weave through our lives for various and specific times and reasons.  I don't believe in coincidence.  It will be intersting to see how things with her develop over time.  Who knows?  She could end up being a very close friend in years to come.  Then again, she may be a significant stepping stone in your journey to healing.

Changing thought patterns is hard work too.  That is exactly what I trained myself to do after several months of not sleeping and having horrible images in my head night after night, and during the day as well.  I literally found Scriptures and writings that helped me to imagine beautiful images of Joey, fully alive and fully perfect, in the company of God.  Once I was able to form very strong images in my mind in that positive light, every time I had a dark thought I would reach for one of those images and pray for God to help me replace the dark one with one of these beautiful ones.  It took a little bit of time, but it worked.  It really worked!!  That truly was the first significant step in my being able to move forward and step out of the despairing grief.  I still grieve, but it is nowhere like the tidal waves I had before.  That's not to say that there won't be moments in my life, especially during sepcial remembrance days and such.  But it's encouraging to know and feel like healing truly is in the worls.  It's what gives me more and more hope for the journey--and I know God is helping me to find that.

Trish and Lana, You two are on my heart and mind a lot as well.  I know you are within breaths of one another for the timeframes in which you lost your sons.  What both of you are feeling, I felt exactly that in about that period of time as well.  I sunk pretty low for a while and then during that time I was just silent.  I didn;t write or call, or speak much to anyone.  I stayed home a lot.  And during that time my husband went for a couple of weeks to the States while I stayed behind here in Ecuador.  We live on 25 acres of ministry property with not much around to bother me, so I had as much isolation as I wanted.  Sometimes it was horrible feeling so isolated.  But other times I felt like I had all the time in the world to sort through my emotions, and I felt safe that there was no one around to be the brunt of my bad ones.  Yeah!  My poor husband was so patient...  I was really not very nice to be around through that time.  I think, as hard as it is at the time, it's good to take time to isolate ourselves and sort through all of it--the circumstance, the past, the future, the emotions, the feelings, the quastions, and the steps of the journey....  I can't even put it all into words.  But I do know that having that time allows me now to feel like nothing stood in the way for me to be able to do what I needed to do.  I no longer feel guilty for taking those steps into recovery and healing as I did in the beginning.  I felt at first very afraid that I would forget Joey (things about him) and that it would feel like I didn;t love him enough if I didn't stay sad.  But it's truly not like that at all.  I miss him terribly and that will always be.  But I can think of him and smile and even laugh.  I can say certain things in a manner that he might have said something and feel that much closer to him.  I am remembering more details about him now than I actually thought about when he was here, so that eases my heart and mind about the forgetting issue.  It all comes with time, truly.  I know it's not easy hearing that and it sounds like a terrible cliche.  But the reality is that with time and some space we are able to work through a lot.  It is work.  And the greatest architectural masterpieces were not built in a day, a month, or even a year.  I feel like my journey is an architectural masterpiece, a miracle really.  And so when I think of it that way I don;t get so discouraged if I have a setback or things aren't moving forward at a pace as someone else's or as rapidly as I would like or think it should be moving.  I hope that makes sense.  Give yourselves the time you need and don;t feel selfish or guilty for needing that time.  It's all part of the process, truly.  I remember telling my husband that I know you've lost your wife, and I know things will never be the same in the way that they were, but don't give up on me.  I just need to work through this for a time.  I'm thankful he kept hope.  I am thankful we can count on HOPE.  That goes also for you both.

You ladies are always in my prayers.  Much love and hugs, my friends, my sisters.      -Claudia

[bigmikesmom]

Claudia and "katant"-kathy,

 I am going to try what both of you said. Everytime the picture of Mike lying in the overturned car barely breathing,unconscious,flashes in my mind, I will try to replace it with the happy,handsome, big smiling face of his. I am always amazed that when you both talk about your feelings,you too Trish and everyone else here that I am feeling or have felt the exact same feelings, it helps me so much to know that I am not going crazy and it also shows me that little by little(baby steps), that I am getting through this. Thank-you, all of you!

God Bless you!

Patti-BigMikesMom

[4everjoeysmom]

BIG HUGS PATTI!!!  Whenever I think of Mike now the first image that pops in my head is him standing there at The World Cup Games in Germany with his Big Mike Beautiful Smile.  That summer was my first couple of months here in Ecuador (dates June 9-July 9, 2006) and the country was in a "SI SE PUEDE" frenzy, meaning we can do this.  We can win.  Obviously Team Ecuador went home with sagging heads.  But what struck me was how spirited the country was--in unity over the support of their team.  Germany is where I was born.  I would have loved to have been there to enjoy the games like Big Mike was.  Joey died three weeks after the championship game, forever changing my world and my spirit.  But the images of the World Cup frenzy live on.  And in remembering that and Big Mike, somehow I have connected the two for one of the most beautiful images ever of that time in my life.  Every time I see your post and that picture I can't help but be captivated.  So, to Big Mike's Mom, a hearty THANK YOU as well.  I pray that God will give you very special insights and images to replace those that bring you the most pain.  Bless you and Hugs, Claudia

[bigmikesmom]

Claudia, That is a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it with me. I think I told you before,but when Mike asked us if he could go, his dad said I don't know Mike if we can afford it and then he thought about it and because Mike was doing so good in school etc. he let him go and used his frequent airmiles that he was saving for us to go somewhere. Mike had friends from his team who lived in Germany etc and he stayed with them traveling between Munich and Frankfurt. He would call home to say he was OK. I have 2 of those messages on my ans machine. In Paul's fathers day card, mike wrote thank you for letting me go and it's like a dream come true. I have that card too! I didn't save cards. It makes me feel good that Mike did go.

Thank you for thinking of Mike. love you!

Patti-BigMikesMom

Ps

 here is another pic of mike in germany, it must be the train station,he went there with just that backpack and traveled all over. i was amazed that he knew how to get places over there, but he figured it all out himself. I miss him so much!

[bigmikesmom]

maybe this pic will turn out better

[lagrangel]

Patti,

 Thanks for sharing that wonderful picture of Mike. Boy! he was such a handsome young man. We just need to treasure those special cards and pictures and all those silly things that at times we don't know why we kept them. I ran across some diplomas of Brent's from elementary school, karate diplomas he was a brown belt when he quit in 7th grade, kept his football jersey when he was in highschool, rings I ran upon that he liked to wear. I will cherish each and every item because it reminds me of my son and the many special memories that I have of him. I really enjoy seeing all the pictures of our special children. It is wonderful that Mike was able to travel and see so much in his short life so many never get to in their long life. Sometimes I feel Brent got to do many things in his short life which I am glad he could now. What treasures each and everyone of one of us have had. Thanks again it just allows us to know your son so much better. Prayers to each and everyone, Lana

[4everjoeysmom]

Lana, I agree!  What treasures.  We never could have imagined how special these "little things" would become one day.  I have a basketball jersey of Joey's from junior high school.  It says Chief Joseph on the back, and somehow that nickname "Chief" stuck with his best of friends.  I also have his high school FFA jacket with his name embroidered on it.  It fits me, aside from having to cuff the sleeves once.  He had some very long limbs, my boy, at 6'4" fully grown.

I think Big Mike's stats are taller than Joey, eh Patti?  And yeah, he sure had a photogenic essence.  Love the pic of Mike at the station.  I think it's an underground.  I was born in Frankfurt, incidentally.  Lived very near there until I was three.  I think with a little time, and as the edges of the pain begin to soften ever so slightly, it's a little easier to reach and remember some of those special moments that seem to go hidden after a time.  As I continue to recall little things about Joey at various times in his life, I truly feel blessed with each recollection.  I have a card that accompanied some flowers Joey sent me on Mother's Day in 1998--almost ten years ago.  Wow!  How time has passed, and how I wish so much that I could rewind some of it.  I always said I would never want to turn the clock back to my own childhood, but oh how I would love to turn it back to Joey's.  I'm really thankful for you that you and your hubby let Big Mike go to Germany.  It's one of those sacrifices that has obviously returned in multitudes to you, as I can imagine it leaves you with a memory of peace regarding that special time for Big Mike.

Hey Kathy (Ant's Mom) - Thinking of you................   Love and Hugs, Claudia

[davidsmom]

Hello all, we have had a little bit of "closure" today. David's friend, Matt, was sentenced today in the death of our dear boy. This is part of a "release" I sent to my former paper. I have written so much about this all ready, including a quite lengthy blog, kinda spilling my guts over lots of feelings from today. All in all though, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that this portion is completed. We still have much, much more to go, but each step is just that...ANOTHER STEP!

Matt Sellers sentenced to 9 years  

Matthew Sellers received a total of 9 years in prison in the drunk driving crash that killed my son, David Robyn Loring. While no sentence can possibly begin to "fix" the harm that has been done, this is a chance for our family to begin our healing. Matt has my full support and complete forgiveness. I am glad this portion of this entire horrible nightmare is done.

David Robyn Loring

David Loring and Matthew Sellers

The boy who was driving the car in which my son , David was killed on November 3rd, Matthew Sellers will be sentenced today at 1:30. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. Please also remember that Matthew was only 18 years old, and that he was a very dear friend of our David's. We don't wish for his life to be ended because he made the worst mistake of his life. We DO want fair punishment for our sweet boys life, but we do not seek VENGEANCE. Please pray for us all, that we will have peace of mind, and love in our hearts.

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Lots of writing, I know...lol If you are interested in my ranting blog, here is the link:http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&Mytoken=A783D329-4DF2-47A2-8A26F3F0408BE121163423

More later!

Love to all,

Lisa

[bigmikesmom]

Thanks Lana and Claudia!

Lisa, I am happy for you that the trial is over. Your words were very Christian-forgiveness. God Bless you!

Patti-BigMikesMom

[katant]

Lisa,

As i went through the sentencing for my Anthony, Dawn Simas was sentenced to 2 10 years to serve at the same time...she is up for parole in April 2011...just 3 years from now.  However, I am told that the first time she comes up for parole they do not get approved.

Anyway....I actually clicked on the link you had and it's really weird...it comes up to my Anthony's myspace blog page. 

Alot of weird things have been going on here the past couple of days.  My computer turning back on after shutting it off, lights going on... and just knowing he is around.   I was even in the bathroom the other night and asked.."Anthony, is everything okay" I am okay...are u okay...and then I heard like a pebble drop on the floor.  weird.

 I miss him so much and it's a weird feeling knowing the person who took our boys away are in jail...for me I don't think much about Dawn Simas, I am just concentrating on getting through my days one at a time and when it's her time for parole...i will be there asking them to deny.  How can any amount of time help..it can't but there has to be there must be a justice system that MUST hold these people accountable for their actions...end of story... when you drive 71mph in a 35 zone, .202 3 times the legal limit and high you deserve jail time...and more than 3 years.

Anyway..my thoughts are with u always...CLaudia....I think of u everyday...

and the pictures all have been posting are fantastic.  Live you life as they are still with us, helping us and guiding us.

((HUGS)) katant....ant's mom kathy

[bigmikesmom]

katant-kathy,

how are you doing?I know that's a stupid question but I miss hearing from you.  did you start teaching yet?

love,

Patti-BigMikesMom

[katant]

Hi Patti and all...not a stupid question....

I have to tell you, it is good.  I like the job, the kids are good, some have attitude issues but that's teenagers for u.  There are also older woman and they really liked me as well.  They told me today they wanted me for all their classes..so that made me feel really good.

I am tired today, I worked everyday this week 9-2pm...and tomorrow is their test for this week's mini week.  I have not gotten up early 3 days in a row in a few months so I am tired.

I am going to the gym tonight.  I have been thinking about Anthony alot this week and it feels he is right next to me..which I am sure he is. my buddy.  So I am tired, but it's a good tired, slept okay.  I am looking forward to next week and medical terminology. 

hope all is good with you patti and lisa and trudy and claudia!!!!!  ((HUGS))

xoxo

kathy...katant

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy...  Yay!!!  I'm happy you like the job so far.  And even though getting up early and getting back in the swing of an early schedule finds you tired right now, it sounds like it is helping you to sleep.  Yes?  Keep us posted on how things are going.  I'm really glad that the thoughts and memories of Anthony are giving you a boost right now as opposed to carrying you into depression.  It will probably ebb and flow for a long time, but I do hope and pray that this little boost you are having now is encouraging you to know that there will be many more good days ahead, and even some joy.    BIG HUGS, Love, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Brilliant!   Medical Terminology - spelling on some of that stuff is nuts!!  I am still awaiting my Re registration from the Nursing Board here.   Apparently, and this is a big one....my birth certificate has my middle name spelt as Dawn.  I on the other hand have for all my life spelt it Dawne.  Well, you only imagine the convuluted process to bring all my certificates up to speed. 

Weird thing is, these certificates we what I had to Register originally!  Go figure.

I have the utmost confidence in your ability to communicate with those in your group with 'attitude'.  These past months have given you extensive experience!!!!

My the Beyond Purple force be with you!!!  (in joke)

Trudi

[katant]

I was actually sitting here last night and thinking that this first "teaching" in a classroom and all eyes on me, rather than a busy operating room and trying to stay out of the way and teaching...way different...i actually thought and knew that teaching this first class has actually helped me and I believe I have helped a couple of the single parents with dealing with some stress and re-evaluate their living conditions and if they have family and someone to go to if they needed.  And it really opened discussion and made them think.

I also told them my last 15 months and thanked them today for allowing me to realize that I may have a good thing teaching and for their patience and that it made me feel great they liked me and were asking if I could teach their next 6 weeks in there classes....lol but no i can't i have medical terminology...good feeling.  One of the older woman had tears in her eyes and I know I made some connection with them.

And I told them bottom line through all the stresses and things that happen to us or someone we know that it is imperative to have that support...family, friends and maybe a counselor and it's okay to ask for help and just the little things.

They got it.  Man this is a weird journey...this has been a bubble that I am in and just tell myself that each day I get through is one more day closer to seeing Anthony again.  I have not written that here for awile...but I said it today and realized that the days i have left on this earth that i make the decision to get up.  I did not want to today.  I slept good on monday night....exhausted, last night..not so good..maybe 3 hours and as I wrote earlier I was supposed to be at the gym at 5:15...well i could not keep my eyes open and just laid on my bed at 4pm just for a few minutes, well i woke up at 5:35.  yikes...i did that yesterday.  So my body is in a bit of shock and my brain is mush but i made it through 3 days.

So that's where I am.  It is so funny and messed up about getting the right paperwork we need to teach and do things here and the right spelling...it's frustrating and well we really need to be worring about this stuff but we can fly planes. AA with messed up wiring and then just ground 1000 flights and have people stranded all over the place.  Yes..i try not to watch the news but some things you can't ignore and makes you angry at these big companies and the oil companies and just the way this government has run our lives for the past 7 years into a complete mess and gas prices and people losing their homes.

Thank god for my family and Anthony and my friends on BI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Kathy,  Voted! 

BIG HUGS, Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Kathy,  I've been posting on the Loss of an Adult Child thread.  I don't know if you read it but the conversations are really interested, and lively to say the least.  I just wanted you to know that I think of you often, and you sound like you are heading in a positive direction, which is an inspiration to me.  I am so happy you are feeling good about your new job, and of course I will go to that site, can't wait to read your poem, and vote for you.  You are in my thoughts, and prayers and wishes for peace and comfort.  Love,   Trish

[katant]

Trish...my sister has two of those butterflies that fly around my two neices in the summer....beautiful...............

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Voted....at that time it was a 9.8 score!!

Good luck with the classroom.......I begin on 28th April.  Hitting the books to try and regain some knowledge from a long time ago.....(think I smelt something burning....might be my brain).

Butterfiles are beautiful, the 'hugs' pic also.....

Good luck with the 'all eyes on me'.....Trudi

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Kathy,  your poem was touching, everything all of us here know and feel.  Keep us posted on the voting!  Thinking of you with love.

I love the butterflies.  I actually want to do a "butterfly release" on the one year mark in August.  They have such a beautiful sense of peace and serenity.  I read this saying and really liked it, "Just when the caterpillar thought his world was over, he changed into a butterfly."

Love to All,  Trish

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Trish,  CUTE picture of Justin!!  Incidentally I chose to blow soap bubbles at Joey's one year mark.  Can't believe number two is coming up in just three months....  Where is the time going?  On ething that's good about time marching on, as our dear friend Kathy (Ant's Mom) says, it glides us closer and closer to that sweet reunion.  Hugs, Claudia

[davidsmom]

Hello all, glad to hear everyone seems to be "ok". All is "ok" here, no new disasters to report...whew. We are coming up on our six month mark, as well as David's upcoming 18th Birthday. I think May will be a very difficult month. Actually, I think every month is difficult, so many "firsts", but May is David's month. He was so looking forward to being 18, its hard to swallow that he won't be here for his birthday.

Love to all,

Lisa

I DO have fun making these pics though...David would have a FIT if he saw me putting wings on him...

[annie6]

Hi and love to all of you-

I've been away for a while. Just needed some alone healing time. Its so good to see all of your pictures and to read how well everyone seems to be doing. I love seeing each of your names and feeling the gratitude for all the strength you each gave me when my days were so very dark. I can't say thank you enough! Today is the 10 month anniversary of Gavin's death. I'm happy to be able to report that I'm feeling so much peace these days. I never would have believed it could be possible. But, as all of you know, anniversaries are hard. I have a blog where I've posted some pictures and thoughts about my boy. I'd love it if you would drop by and see him there. One thing I've learned from this all--and from you-- is to ask for support when I need it. So this is me asking for help in getting through today. Please drop by. http://skinnylink.blogspot.com/

It would feel so good to know Gavin is being remembered by more than just his Mom!

Thanks and love to all!

Annie-Gavin's Mom

[lagrangel]

Annie,

Love the website and such a tribute to a handsome son. Hawaii, what a beautiful place!! I was there 20 years ago and what a wonderful place for your beloved son to be. I hope today is a little easier for you just remember we all are here to help when those "dark" times come.  What a beautiful grandson and daughter. The love of my family is what helps me through this journey. Peace and love today, Lana

[mikesmum]

Annie - May the trade winds, sun and tides find you each and everyday. A brilliant Blog, a true 'natures child'.  I have a Cardon, his name is Zak...his trusty partner is Caleb....they are my grandsons.....each as individual as day and night and both part of the reason I still get up each day.........Thanks for sharing Gavin.  Amazingly I think I was a child bride 7 or 8, my son Mike was 31.  I am far too young to be that old!

Take Care.....Trudi

[loveyoujustin]

Annie~thinking of you today with love.  I loved the blog, absolutely beautiful.  Your world is full of treasures~the beautiful souls that are your family.  May peace continue to find you throughout this journey.  Love,  Trish

[annie6]

Trish, Trudi, Lana, (and those who are still too tender to write),

Thank you for your love and support! Your words are healing balm~your thoughts and prayers, angel's kisses. How I love that we aren't asked to try to do this alone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I love you, each.

Annie

[annie6]

Oh, and Trudi, I'm so glad to hear of Zak and Caleb! Joy! Joy! Joy! aren't they?

xo,

Annie

[mamabets]

For annie6~ What a beautiful family, Annie...I went to reply...

                 " Look up at all of those stars in the night sky and listen..I will be whispering to all of you... I carefully set each one in it's place. Know that I love you all more than these"

Your email wasn't there, so I hope that this comforts you. I came upon it once and have used it when it "speaks" to my heart.

Gavin's family just did...

LOVE

mamabets

 

[annie6]

Mamabets-

That quote is so perfect. A tender reminder that we are never alone, and always loved and watched over.

Thank you.

love,

Annie, Gavin'sMom

[wyomingsal]

Annie,

I visited your blog.  It is beautiful and what a handsome grandson.   My kids love the pigeon books.  There is also one about the pigeon and the hot dog. 

Sal