Loss of a Teenager

December 28, 2007

I agree with you. If he had nothing to hide he would have submitted to the test. Pot takes 30 days to leave the body. I am shocked it didn't show up as well. I will try with you. I have had too many violent visions of me beating this girl to a bloody mess. She is in her own private hell. I am sure the girls in county jail are having fun with her. I've heard the guards call her "kid killer" She is suffering but so are we...way worse then she is. She knew what was possible when she took that ATV out. This girl pleads not guilty each time as well. About a month ago her attorney was asking that she be released back into the rehab. The judge said no. thank god! The DA also talked about her pleading guilty to the manslaughter charge if they drop the others. We said no. I think her lawyer has finally figured out that she is not getting out of this. Tommorow morning I have court again. Jordan was 17. A very sweet kid who was loved ny everyone. Over 1000 people were at his funeral. You know the only thing we take out of this world when we die, is love. Jordan took a lot of love with him! I am so glad you came to BI. I look forward to writing back and forth with you. Hope this email finds you having a good day.

Much love,

Simone

[user=18955]bigmikesmom[/user] wrote:

Dear Jordans mom, thanks for your reply. I am trying so hard not to let anger or revenge come into my heart. But, as you know sometimes it creeps in there. I don't want those negative feelings to overpower my grief and my grief work. I read a bible passage and it said "Leave revenge to God" but I know we both want justice and for this not to happen to anyone else's family. I do not think that urine is a better test, I just meant that Why would a person refuse to do this test if you had nothing to hide? also it took a few hours to get the blood sample with so much going on,and he admitted to smoking marijuana on the weekend 3days before, I would think that should show up in a blood test only 3 days after smoking it and it didn't. Many blood tests can be a result of a lab error. Oh WEll, I have to leave revenge to God, this battle is tough enough without revenge so I will leave that emotion out of my journey, like I said-easier said than done sometimes but I am honestly trying. If you can try too OK? WE WILL TRY TOGETHER.I am here for you anytime you need to talk. I have been on this grief journey a little while longer.The trial hasn't even started. They have had preliminary hearings where his attorney and the prosecutor get together and discuss his plea. He has pleaded not guilty each hearing. At one of the hearings they wanted to plea bargain so he could work and then go to jail at night for 6 months. We said no.It is so hard every time around one of those hearings, it brings up the anger and bitterness and I relive the accident.My family sisters, brothers,etc. are also very very angry so then they get me going but they are trying to help and voice their opinions.We have a motions hearing coming up Jan 15. It won't bring Mike back and I need to take care of myself and be strong and again "leave revenge to God" but I will fight for justice. He is not in jail, nothing yet because as I said his blood test came back negative so it is vehicular homicide not aggravated vehicular homicide at this point. How old was Jordan? I will pray for your whole family.I will walk this walk with you and all the others here on BI. I am thankful I found this site. God Bless everyone on this journey.
Love,
Bigmikesmom-Patti

December 28, 2007

I am doing ok. You know how it is. One day is good the next is bad. Up, down. We have court tomorrow. Nothing will happen I am sure. The trial is going to creep a long. Torture! The sooner we get her into prison the better. I am so glad to have BI. It feels good to know for sure that I am not alone.

[user=18188]loveyoujustin[/user] wrote:

Wow, Where to begin.
Anne: I've missed you. i too am thrilled that christmas is over. The first for me. Honestly, it meant nothing. I don't think it really did to my other children either. I will never again take out any of my decorations, etc. I put up a real fir tree, one that will be planted outside tomorrow, and purchased new ornaments, all in gold. Candles, doves, butterflies, and gold balls, and white lights. I called it my Justin tree, and put beautiful cross ornaments, and beautiful gold frames with recent pictures of Justin and also him with his brother and sister. It was pretty. But it's already come down. That will be our Christmas from now on. I think the days leading up to Christmas Day were actually harder than the day itself. But I do have to say that I feel like I am starting to go backwards right now, instead of forward on this journey. I am sure you all know exactly what I mean.
Claudia: I miss you too. Hopefully you'll be back real soon. Obviously there are many who need your wisdom and encouragement for hope here.
Simone: How are you doing. I really feel for all of you who are in trials, etc. I don't really know, but I am sure that this pain is so much more difficult to endure when there actually is another to blame, and the whole heartache is compounded by so many other painful events. Please always keep talking and letting all of us know how everything is going. We are the ones who feel your pain, and in no way judge you or any of your feelings and thoughts.
Patti: BigMike'sMom: I just realized that I responded to you on another post, and you responded back, and I never replies. I am terribly sorry. You can learn about my Justin at http://www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com. Please allow the video about 4 minutes to download. You will find compassion and comfort here, as I've said, without any judgement, as we are all linked by our hearbreak.
Lisa: Your son seems to be a very loved and lovable young man. We will help the best we can, as we are all mostly on a different path in this journey. You will find friendship like no other here, and a love and understanding beyond words. My beautiful son Justin has only been in paradise for four and a half months now, but if it were not for the loving, understanding and encouraging souls that I have found here on BI, I really am not sure where I would be. My husband and I are in therapy, but I just said to him tonite that I think a support group, such as Compassionate Friends, or similar may help more, because there is not any person who can truly know how this feels, until they walk in our shoes.
Justin: I am another day closer to you. My heart aches so very much. I miss you and love you more that any words can express. Peace and Happiness in Paradise. I love you. Good night!

December 28, 2007

Hi everyone, so so sorry to read new posts here but glad you have found us Patti and Lisa. Hugs from across the world.Hearts joined in heartbreak.

Lisa and Simone -my son Jamie was only 17 too, like many of us on this site.He too was killed instantly in a car accident, but no one to blame but maybe inexperience.He had just passed his test 6 weeks earlier.It must be so very hard for you who have these wretched drunkards to blame, even I cannot imagine how hard that must be.Keep sharing with us, talking helps.Tell it how it is, you'll find no judgement here,or platitudes, we want to share our pain as it is.Just as their lives were starting to take off.It is completely unbearable at times. Your loss is very recent, be kind and careful with yourselves.You are in "intensive care" trying to get over the shock and realise what has happened, no one would expect much of you in intensive care, and this is no different.Just hang on, take one day or even one hour at a time.Don't try to think ahead and try not to be scared of the pain you feel.You loved David and Big Mike so much so of course you feel physical pain to lose them in this brutal way. You loved so much and now you hurt so much, we are all in this position.

Patti I look forward to knowing more about Big Mike he sounds such a character.How old was he again? I'm so glad to read that you are looking at Gods word and thinking through the meaning of revenge.To lay that feeling down is very brave of you and also very wise. God will see that justice is done if not in this life then at some point. Trust Him.You have enough pain to deal with for now.

I am going to look at Justins and Davids web site now.I long to do one for Jamie too but need some IT advice how to do it- I hope Tim my son will help me at some point.

Much love to you all. Anne

December 28, 2007

Lisa I have tried to light a candle on David's site.It didn't seem to appear!

What a very moving tribute to your son.Your honesty moved me to tears.How special you are to use your pain to try to reach out to others as a warning of the dangers of alcohol and driving. Such a powerful message, I pray others heed it. Too many young lives are lost in this way it is so tragic and so avoidable.

David lived life full on, some of us pack more into a few brief years than others in a full life span. Treasure the time you had with him and draw close with your remaining family who will give you the strength to go on.There are no short cuts, this journey is long and painful.It's the price we pay for having known such love.

Much love Anne

December 28, 2007

Thanks for the Welcome. I will check David's set and approve your candle. (I have it set so I have to approve all messages left, so no one can leave anything inappropriate) Thank you for thinking of him. I have been having some rough days for sure, but I think what I am doing with all of my grief, by way of media and such, is a tribute to David, and it also helps me. My David didn't die instantly. He was pinned under a car, alive, conscious, and screaming for 20 minutes. I have a lot of burden there. That is where my anger is. There are so many nuances here in this case, and being Davids mother, I MUST learn absolutely every detail of what happened that night. Others don't always understand this, but he was the love of my life, and I owe it to him to seek justice and educate others on what can really happen. This is bitter, ugly truth in the raw. Many don't have the "stomach" for it, but my son, and our entire family, have had to endure it. I know Davids suffering is done, but mine will go on. Its so difficult sometimes, more often than not!

I am going to look through these posts today,. and read some of your profiles and stories. i hope I have found a safe, warm place to share.

Love

Lisa

December 28, 2007

[user=18802]jordansproudmom[/user] wrote:

Looking at David's face made me cry. Jordan used to shave his head. My Jordan's Heaven date was 10/20/07. We are just days apart from having lost our sons and in the same way. I wish I could hug you. You are so not alone. But, I truly know how you feel. I cried more today then I usually do. I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him so much. It's sinking in everyday that will not be coming back. I have his pillow...I sleep with it every night. It still smells like him. He was living with his dad when this happened. But, we were so close. I am so sorry we have to meet this way. I want you to know I am hear. I will listen to you. This site has brought me a lot of comfort. We are not alone sweetie. I hope you are getting some rest.
Simone

Thank you Simone. Yes, we share much, not exactly the way one would wish to meet a new friend, but, right now its what we need. I cry alot, every time I look at Davids face, or his work boots, or his cremains that I wear in a vial around my neck. Heck, crying happens a lot lately. But, I am hppy to be here among people who know what this FEELS like. Like you have been punched, kicked, and run over.

Rest is iffy. I actually went SIX full days without ONE moment of sleep. I finally broke, I felt as if I was going to die, and called my Doc for a sleeping pill, which sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. I am moving on with my work. (I am a journalist) and trying to maintain any shred of a home life for my two surviving sons. (I also lost another son 20 years ago, who died shortly after birth) Most of my energy is spent writing, email anyone who will listen, and hopefully answer, lol It seems most everyone else here has moved on....thats the hard part.

Thank you again, for the warm welcome:)

December 28, 2007

[user=18188]loveyoujustin[/user] wrote:

Lisa: Your son seems to be a very loved and lovable young man. We will help the best we can, as we are all mostly on a different path in this journey. You will find friendship like no other here, and a love and understanding beyond words. My beautiful son Justin has only been in paradise for four and a half months now, but if it were not for the loving, understanding and encouraging souls that I have found here on BI, I really am not sure where I would be. My husband and I are in therapy, but I just said to him tonite that I think a support group, such as Compassionate Friends, or similar may help more, because there is not any person who can truly know how this feels, until they walk in our shoes.
Justin: I am another day closer to you. My heart aches so very much. I miss you and love you more that any words can express. Peace and Happiness in Paradise. I love you. Good night!
Thank you for your welcome as well. It is so painful to see all the childrens faces, and to hear their parents grief. I weep for each one of them. I had the extra added "bonus" of losing my dad on Christmas Day. Its been a horrible 7 weeks.
Lisa

December 28, 2007

[user=16704]fujismum[/user] wrote:

Lisa I have tried to light a candle on David's site.It didn't seem to appear!
What a very moving tribute to your son.Your honesty moved me to tears.How special you are to use your pain to try to reach out to others as a warning of the dangers of alcohol and driving. Such a powerful message, I pray others heed it. Too many young lives are lost in this way it is so tragic and so avoidable.
David lived life full on, some of us pack more into a few brief years than others in a full life span. Treasure the time you had with him and draw close with your remaining family who will give you the strength to go on.There are no short cuts, this journey is long and painful.It's the price we pay for having known such love.
Much love Anne
I was unable to find your candle! i am not sure what happened there, but thank you for thinking of David, and me.
http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com/

December 29, 2007

Lisa, I am so sorry for you loss. It is a very difficult journey so please take time to take care of yourself. This is a wonderful place to come to for venting, caring and love. It has helped so many when noone else understands what we experience until you have walked in our shoes. I lost my son 8/11/07. This was our first birthday and Christmas without our beloved Brent. This is such a difficult journey with many sad days and a few okay days. I have tryed to do as much as I can to continue on with my life. I went back to work and have actually been out with several of our friends. I pray for you in your journey and whenever you need to talk go to BI because there are so many on this journey with you. Our lives will never be the same because we have lost a true love of our lives. Love and prayers, Lana

December 29, 2007

Thank you Lana. Actually, I think that this is the first "safe" place I have found, in my search all over the web, to be able to post freely and wihtout restraint. I have so much to say, and I am praying this is the place I may be able to do that. Thanks for the warm message. It means so much, and I am so sorry for your loss as well.

Lisa

Davids mom

Please light a candle in memory of my dear son, David Loring by visiting http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com

December 29, 2007

anne,

thank you for caring and asking about mike.I said i was big mikes mom because that is what his college coach called him,he was 6'3" 200 lbs.He was on a soccer/academic scholarship in Miami Florida. The coaches used to say how did a big kid like you come from Ohio and not play fooball. He loved soccer and I mean "love". He went to the World cup June 2006.He had many friends that lived in Europe.Some of the guys on his soocer team lived in Germany, Holland,Sweeden,England etc. There were 12 countries represented on his team. We are so thankful that we let him go to the World Cup.He told his Dad ,it was a dream come true.He entered eternal life Thanksgiving day Nov 23, 2006. It seems like just yesterday..He was very handsome(all the girls had crushes on him,I found out) athletic,smart,caring,loving and had a gift of making anyone laugh. He would do these funny noises and faces.The coach said at his memorial,He was comfortable in his skin.He never had to"act cool" I remember going to one of his college games, and in front of thousands of people,hE WALKED OFF THE FIELD, I GRABBED HIS HAND, HELD MY HAND IN HIS KEPT WALKING SWINGING OUR ARMS HAND IN HAND. he said mom, why are you holding my hand? I said because I love you, he said OK and we kept walking to the athletic complex. The coach also told that story at his memorial.He was living life. He was a junior in college. He was 20 years old.He made everyone feel like they were his "best friend" He touched and changed so many peoples lives.i AM RAMBLING,SO SORRY.I wrote something on another site on BI-Getting Back Into Life- I don't know how. I try but I feel so "out of place" when I go into the world.My family sisters brother have been amazing but other people,just to go shopping or whatever is uncomfortable.I would rather stay home. I haven't worked . I lost my job after I went back 6 weeks after the accident. They said I wasn't the same person. And that was for an organization called "Comfort Keepers" I am hoping to start working again,we need the income, my husband tells me to go back to work all the time but I really don't want too and now I feel like I am in a rut and am afraid to go back.I am a nurse.

Gosh, I feel so selfish, talking about me, I should listen to all of you. I have been reading everyones posts. Thank you. God Bless all of you! My heart breaks for all of you.

Patti-Big Mikes Mom

December 29, 2007

I believe your name is Trish-Justins mom,

I just watched the video of justin and looked at his memorial page.That was so awesome of you to do this. What a tribute to Justin. He reminds me of MY Mike. But THERE CAN BE NONE LIKE YOUR jUSTIN TO YOU. HE WAS AN AMAZING ATHLETE AS I saw on the video. I wrote a note to him on his site. I don't know how to do all that with the computeR BUT.Some kids created memorials on facebook and myspace and I have become addicted to both sites. I have a myspace site that has videos of Mike that others have made.i COMMUNICATE WITH mIKES FRIENDS ALL THE TIME ON FACEBOOK,MYSPACE.You are so lucky to have that one of Justin talking to the coach at the camp. How that must bring you joy. God Bless you.

Patt-big mikes mom

December 29, 2007

Hi Lisa- I am in a very similiar place as you are right now. My son Jon was killed as a passenger in his friend's car after they were drinking beer on November 5th. They had spent all evening in another car where they had a "designated driver" (since when does the DD drive you around so that you can drink in the car?). When the DD went home, they got in his friend's car to go home and his friend decided to "burn rubber". The car went out of control and hit a tree. My son was on the passenger side and died instantly of head trauma. My husband and I have been devastated and like you have had to deal with a trial. Like us all, my son was also the "love of our lives" . He was a beautiful, happy-go-lucky kid. He always had a smile on his face and loved life. Why these wonderful kids are singled out, why the happiest kids seem to be the victims...the questions are endless. I wanted to say that I admire your public stance on the person who obtained the alchohol for your son. We too have been in the public eye because of this. The trauma of the death, longing for our son, the media circus surrounding the circumstances, the trial and losing our only son have sent us into a tailspin. How life can be so upended in just a flash. We are both in therapy and have gone to Compassionate Friends and both have been helpful. This site has also been a comfort as well as a painful note on the length and breadth of grief. My son was also born in 1990, his birthday was a month from the accident. I'd like to know how people go on with work and being in public, it's been so very hard for me. My husband goes but in a walking coma. I know the people on this site are here because of their love for their children and I look forward to hearing from you.

Terry, Jon's mom

December 30, 2007

Terri: I am so sorry for you, as you know, we all feel your pain. This is the place though to find love, campassion and understanding without judgement of any kind. I know where you are, I am slowly coming out of the "catatonic state," as the therapist put it. Somedays it feels like it's easier to stay there though. I play this game in my mind that Justin is just away, at school, and he will be coming home. I look at his picture and say "where are you, when are you coming home?" I know that's not the healthy thing to do, but I think I might do it for the rest of my life, which can't end any too soon. The thing I keep in my mind is that I have to make sure nobody forgets him, and honor him, and keep him with us. My heart goes to you, and to all of us. We are here for you and for each other.

Patti: Thank you so much for looking at Justin's sight. I cannot take the credit for it though, my daughter and her boyfriend created it. I do love it. You sound like me, with the facebook and myspace thing. The kids created a wonderful facebook, It's called Justin Wagner #45 this year's for you. Look at that too. I need to spread "Justin" around as much as I can. Let me know what Mike's is. He sounds like such a great kid. Justin didn't like soccer much, obviously being a football player, but I've said it before, that because of our sons, we've met here, and I am sure they are together in paradise, doing things they loved to do. Justin loved weightlifting, did Mike. Maybe they are "gym buddies."

Somedays, I truly feel as though I am a crazy person. But that is just how my life is now. Never again to be the same. And it was so good. I know that time will ease a bit of this horrific pain, but I also know that I will never feel true joy again, in anything, ever. The hole in my heart will only grow larger, until it explodes. Sorry to sound so depressing. Guess it's been tough. My husband has been so awfully sad these past few days that I try to pretend to be "ok" so as not to make him even worse. I can't help him and he can't help me. He's truly a broken man.

OK enough said. Thinking of everyone, my understanding friends. Love and Peace to All. Goodnight.

I love you Justin. Don't forget, "nobody loves you more than your mother!" GOOD NIGHT.

December 30, 2007

Terry,

I am sorry for your loss of your son. Your loss is so new its like you walk around numb. It has been about 4 and half months since I lost my son and I can remember how difficult those first two or three months were. Give yourself plenty of time to take care of yourself. I know exactly what you mean about going out in public. We would always go out of town to do any grocery shopping just to avoid someone stopping to talk to us or seeing someone we knew. We did that for about three months. We joined a support group after 3 months which really helped us on doing things we were not comfortable with. It lasted for 7 weeks it was sponsored by Hospital but we were the first group of individuals that had lost children. The leader said we were the guinny pigs but we all really loved connecting with others going through the same journey. We are planning to meet after the new year to see how all the Holidays went. I think it is a personal choice in going back to work. I was off for two weeks and then went back to work. It really helped me to keep my mind busy. Sure I have difficult days but I tend to do better when I have something to focus on. I work in a school so I am around children all the time. I do think everyone has to do whatever works best for them during this difficult journey. Your loss is so new and fresh so don't be hard on yourself it just takes time to adjust to this new way of life. You just learn how to take it hour by hour or minute by minute. When you have made it to another day you have done great. I remeber just trying to take it minute by minute. I cannot say how it makes my heart break to see new people coming on this journey. Everyone at BI is so supportive and you feel a wonderful connection to wonderful people who are on this hard journey. We all must vent, cry and need support during this time so come whenever you need we are all here to support one another.

Lisa, I vistied your sons website and it is wonderful. He truly was loved by you and I know he knew how much he meant to you. I have been working on my son's website but not done much on it lately. I have more pictures to add but I have been at a standstill since the holidays. It has a lot more to be done to it. I also put the poem in about the cord that binds a mother and son togetther. When I read that poem that is exactly the way I felt about my beloved son.

Trish, I am glad that we all made it through the first Christmas. I read your post about your tree and it sounded wonderful. We are starting a tradition that every year we are buying a special ornament that Brent is not with us and going to put it on a special tree in celebration of Brent's life on earth. I did not realize your Justin liked lifting my Brent loved to work out. He was always about how his abs and muscles looked. He was always going around showing us what a good body he had but we loved it.... He had lifted in High School which got him hooked on it and continued in college. He worked at Abercrombie while he was in school so he said he had to look GOOD!!!! Are you going to try and attend a support group? It really was great for my husband and I. I just wished and all the others that came wished that it would be a ongoing support group. Our leader had her MSW and she was great:). We don't have compassionate friends ( which I have heard several people refer to that support group) any where close to us unless we drive a hour and half. Did you find it more difficult after Christmas? My husband and I thought we both had a harder time after Chritmas than the actual day itself. The last few days have been difficult for both of us. I thought maybe because we were off work and we had all this down time we really are not sure and was wondering if the days after Chritmas was harder for you? Love and prayers to all, Lana.

December 30, 2007

[user=19001]tlcandjc[/user] wrote:

Hi Lisa- I am in a very similiar place as you are right now. My son Jon was killed as a passenger in his friend's car after they were drinking beer on November 5th. They had spent all evening in another car where they had a "designated driver" (since when does the DD drive you around so that you can drink in the car?). When the DD went home, they got in his friend's car to go home and his friend decided to "burn rubber". The car went out of control and hit a tree. My son was on the passenger side and died instantly of head trauma. My husband and I have been devastated and like you have had to deal with a trial. Like us all, my son was also the "love of our lives" . He was a beautiful, happy-go-lucky kid. He always had a smile on his face and loved life. Why these wonderful kids are singled out, why the happiest kids seem to be the victims...the questions are endless. I wanted to say that I admire your public stance on the person who obtained the alchohol for your son. We too have been in the public eye because of this. The trauma of the death, longing for our son, the media circus surrounding the circumstances, the trial and losing our only son have sent us into a tailspin. How life can be so upended in just a flash. We are both in therapy and have gone to Compassionate Friends and both have been helpful. This site has also been a comfort as well as a painful note on the length and breadth of grief. My son was also born in 1990, his birthday was a month from the accident. I'd like to know how people go on with work and being in public, it's been so very hard for me. My husband goes but in a walking coma. I know the people on this site are here because of their love for their children and I look forward to hearing from you.
Terry, Jon's mom

Wow, just 2 days apart. We are both coming up on the 2 month anniversary. Can you believe its been 2 months all ready? Sometimes it feels like an eternity, because my days are in such a stand still mode, I do nothing but think of David. How can I help it? The biggest piece of my life, my light, my sunshine, my wonderful son, was taken in such a cruel way. But, then it seems like yesterday that I saw him, he smiled at me, he said he loved me....(never a day went by that I didn't get a hug, kiss, and an I love you from ANY of my sons...til this very day) I know all of you understand what I mean about time. It seeming to go in slow motion, yet we are stuck in the past, like WE have never moved.

I am glad I can use these forums and use some creative skills to euligize my son David, show the world how much he was loved, and how much HE loved. Damn, he was so special...not one person could deny that. Everyone who had the opportunity to meet him would have a memory of that kid. I always knew this. Of course a mother always feels her son is special, lol but as I wrote in David's obituary (its on the front page of his memorial site), David really was the MOST of EVERYTHING, and not a moment goes by that I don't think of him. Its hard to think about the future, of living a long life without David. Some days I wish I could just curl up and die, so I could be with him. But, I can't. My youngest son is only 14, and a very fragile 14. He is in so much pain. My other boys are the ONLY reason I carry on at all, because right now I care about nothing else. David last spoke to me on Nov 3 at 12:10 am just smiled and said he was staying out of trouble. I then left to go out to celebrate a friends birthday. (something I literally NEVER do) David's last words to anyone at the house were to his brother Jack. Jack was sleeping, and David actually went in and woke him up! Very unusual thing. He told Jack he was goving for a drive, to drop off a friend. His last words to Jack were, "Peace Bro".

Those are the images I try to keep in my head. Not the awful ones that try to creep in. When my mother came to teel me the news, and I screamed like in the movies, fell on the floor, and cried uncontrolably. I have mixed feelings about the rememberance of Davids funeral ritual. See, we practice a form of Hinduism, that most of you wouldnt understand or might just not have any knowledge of. We cremate our loved ones after a religious ceremony, in whch sacred markings, oils, and symbols are placed upon an unembalmed body. Usually its the fathers role to assist the Priest/Guru in this ceremony. But, Davids father wasn;t a big part of his life, and didnt understand this practicwe, and we didnt invite him to this part. My son Nic (19) actually requested he be the one to prepare David for his final journey. He assisted the priest, helped with the marking, touched David, and Nick was the one to light the crematorium and put him in. It really was a beautiful service if that sort of thing can be thought of as beautiful. David really looked perfect. He was unembalmed, and this was 4 days after his death. His face and head were perfect. Even my mother, who wasnt even sure she could attend, walked right up to David, touch his just growing in fuzzy hair, and leaned over and kissed him. There wasnt a dry eye. But all of us felt David's presence there, and knew he was accepting of this gift to God's kingdom. I have done so much writing on all of this...I do feel a book coming together....

But back to the topic, I don't want to move on....I want to go back.

Love

Lisa

Davids mama

last pic of David, with 2 of his best friends..taken Nov 1, 2007 two days before he died

Please light a candle in memory of my dear son, David Loring by visiting http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com

December 30, 2007

[user=18047]lagrangel[/user] wrote:

Lisa, I vistied your sons website and it is wonderful. He truly was loved by you and I know he knew how much he meant to you. I have been working on my son's website but not done much on it lately. I have more pictures to add but I have been at a standstill since the holidays. It has a lot more to be done to it. I also put the poem in about the cord that binds a mother and son togetther. When I read that poem that is exactly the way I felt about my beloved son
Thank you for looking at David's site. Its been thrown together pretty quickly, and I have much to do to make it "pretty". Much of whats there is messages a writing from David's brother Nick...they are so touching, so moving, its how Nick reahces out and deals with his pain. I wrote this for Nick yesterday (I am a writer, not a poet, but Nick liked it):

To bury a Brother

Near David's casket

Nick paused to look

at his brother's body

the Lord had just took

all who were watching

did not speak

as a silent tear

ran down his cheek

and through his mind

the memories ran

of the moments that they had

walked, played, climbed, and ran

but now David's eyes

were so terribly cold

and Nick would never again

have him to hold

we watched in silence

as he bent very near

and whispered the words...

"I LOVE YOU" in his ear

he touched his face

and started to cry

as he placed the garland

he himself wanted to die

and just then

the wind began to blow

as they put his body

into the cove...

this is what happens

to man alive...

when friends let friends...

drink and drive.

My son Nick was 19 the day we gave David his final passage. He had all ready grown, but had now become a man. Too much for a young man to take, please don't you make the same mistake!

December 30, 2007

HI KATHY: MISSED YOU!!! I WISH I HAD SOME KIND OF MAGICAL WORDS TO HELP YOU. BOY, WHERE IS CLAUDIA???????SHE'S THE ONE WHO COULD ALWAYS DO THAT!! PLEASE JUST KNOW THAT YOU CAN TALK, ON AND ON, AND WE WILL LISTEN, AND CRY WITH YOU, AND HURT WITH YOU, AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

HI LANA: MISSED YOU TOO. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE IN THERAPY, AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS AT BI ARE MY THERAPY, BUT I THINK HE NEEDS SOMETHING TO REALIZE THAT THERE IS A SMALL RAY OF HOPE, AND THAT THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE FOR US BUT TO GO ON, NEVER THE SAME, ALWAYS WITH A HOLE IN OUR HEARTS, BUT FOR OUR SANITY AND THE SAKE OF THE OTHER KIDS, AND IN HONOR OF JUSTIN, WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. AFTER CHRISTMAS WAS NOT SO BAD FOR ME AS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. FOR ME IT WAS THE BUILD-UP OF THE HOLIDAY. THE DAY AFTER, THE TREE CAME DOWN, ORNAMENTS AND GIFTS PUT AWAY, AND LIFE BECAME JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY, GETTING THROUGH HOUR BY HOUR. NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE, IT SEEMS THAT NOTHING HAS ANY KIND OF IMPORTANCE. I AM SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. IN SHORT: LIFE SUCKS.

PATTI: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE MESSAGE ON JUSTINS SITE. IT MEANS ALOT TO ME. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO LOOKED AT IT AND SIGNED THE MESSAGE BOOK. I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW ABOUT JUSTIN, AND I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ABOUT ALL OF YOUR SON'S AS WELL.

LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL. TRISH

JOHN: DID YOU GET MY E-MAIL??????HOPE YOU'RE OK.

December 31, 2007

Kathy, just know we are all trying to send positive thoughts to you as you hit such a difficult "patch" in your grief.We all know them.I am in the grips of one right now.I hope in ime youcan start to feel some kind of release from the anger now sentencing has been done and the perpetrator is in prison.Nothing can restore the loss of your lovely precious son, just try to hold on to the joy of having had him in your life .I know it's not enough, we want them here with us.We grieve for ourselves and we grieve for what we feel they are missing out on too- double grief.

New Years Eve- I used to love it as it is the eve of my birthday too.A big one tomorow for me.But I will not be celebrating in any way, just arranging some special flowers for my Jamie to take to his grave and sit and weep for him and for me and for us. Upsetting my mum and my family and friends because I don't want to see them.I have nothing to say.Small talk exhausts me.

I always had such a strong Christian faith - there I used the word had - like I've lost it.I'm hanging on by my fingernails to my faith but it is hard.This has been the hardest blow a person can be given, to bury a child.Very hard to really truly believe they are in a better plaace - where the heck is heaven anyway?I don't blame God for this, I always knew that tragedy strikes at random, but I guess I'm starting to go to an angry place.

The poem about a brothers loss was very moving- this is so hard for siblings.Like it said so poignantly, they have to grow up fast and learn the world will never be the secure safe place we tried to make it for them. They have to watch parents crumble and change and struggle to hold it together whilst losing their own best friend in those turbulent teen years . Horrible horrible.

Thanks for listening. My love to you all.

Anne

I pray for peace, some kind of healing and a move towards acceptance for us all in 2008.

Anne

December 31, 2007

Kathy, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now. I know where you're coming from. I do hope that soon, very soon, you will be able to work up an appetite to eat healthy and keep your health well. It's so important for you to carry on ANthiny's legacy, and you'll need your strength to do that. He would want that for you, no matter how tough it gets going sometimes. I know its easier said than done. I'll be saying extra prayers for you...

I do hope and pray 2008 will bring more healing and peace to our hearts and souls. I feel very blessed for being able to hang onto my faith through the toughest, darkest moments, by my fingernails too. On the other side of the darkness, once I've been able to wade through the depths, I am finding a peace that I never expected. I do believe Joey is alive in Heaven. And I do believe we will be reunited in a place that looks like this: "See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away" (Revelation 21:3-4). I believe the anguish is ours that are left behind, but for our loved ones in Heaven there is no anguish. That IS my comfort and peace when I think of Joey--knowing he is perfectly well forever. I have learned since he has gone that part of loving him so much is letting go and knowing he is well. I always wanted everything of the best for him when he was here. And since he can no longer be here, I believe he has th ebest of everything where he is. I want that for him (the best of everything, Heaven, and a perfect life eternally) more than I want anything for myself--including to bring him back into a world that is far less than the perfect place where he resides now. I know that's a lot to cling to, but it is the Hope, the Promise that is rooted within my faith. And for me, it is my comfort--sometimes my only comfort. I am absolutely in pain that I cannot touch, hear or speak to my son in the way I have loved for so many years. But I am grateful to know with great faith and certainty that, that time will come again.

My friends, please know that although I have been absent for some time from BI (traveling abroad and visiting my family), you are ALWAYS in my heart and prayers. Blessings and much love as we move into 2008. HUGS, Claudia

January 1, 2008

Claudia - oh so good to hear from you again.:)We have all been really missing you and your words of hope and comfort.

Thank you for what you wrote about heaven and your strong faith that Joey is OK and in a better place.I can take it from you because you know the agony of this.I sometimes find that when others offer their Christian "platitudes" I just want to punch them on the nose and say "that's so easy for you to say, but agony for me to accept in my place of pain and loss".But when another grieving parent shares their thoughts and faith journey, than I can really listen and soak up their words and find hope and peace again - because if it's true for them then it can be for me too.

That's why BI is such a support, every word another grieving parent shares MATTERS, because we speak from pain and heartache and can support each other in a way no one else can.

Faith is just that, isn't it - faith? In things unseen, in a hope to come. I have based my whole adult life on the truth of God's word, yet in my loss Heaven seems to stay silent, just when I need it to be very real and tangible. I must have more faith and keep holding on to what I have always believed to be true.

I will go now and prepare flowers for Jamie's grave , and sit a while on the bench we have placed next to his resting place. Shed my tears and then try to put on a brave face for my family who will keep wishing me Happy New Year and Happy Birthday - as if that were possible!

Anne

January 1, 2008

I spent another night without rest...seems I do that far too often these days. I am worn out for sure, but unable to sleep none the less. I once went 6 days straight without sleep. I can only imagine what stress this is causing on my body, but my mind won't tell my body to sleep. Its just that I am so lonely, and night time is the absolute worst for that.

David slept downstairs with me. (well, in the room next to where I slept) I could hear when he come in, or try to sneak out, be up making a "feast", listening to his music. He always made sure the doors were locked. Now, its silent. I was so used to having him near all of the time, but especially at night, when it would be "our" quiet time, just us two awake. How I miss those nights!

Of all my sons, David and I had the closest of bonds. Perhaps it was our similar personalities, somewhat quiet, but deep thinkers. I feel like I have mis-placed my arm or leg, or worse yet, my heart and mind. I do not feel complete. Not just broken, but incomplete. It was not supposed to happen this way. I have been to hell and back in my 40 years, and my only true blessings in life have been my sons, and now he's gone! My life has been hard, but I survived. I was a neglected and abused child. A battered wife. I nearly died from Anorexia, yet I was blessed. Those boys were my joy every waking moment, and to have one taken is almost too much to bear....

I think this year is not starting off so well. I need a Kleenex.

http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com/

January 1, 2008

Fujismum, It's hard to wish a HAPPY anything when we grieve so. isn't it? But what I will wish for you is a very special blessing today, hoping that moments of peace and whispers to your heart of I LOVE YOU MUM from your precious one in Heaven. I too feel Heaven is very silent when what I wish for more than anything is to have the tangible peace of it all...but yes, faith in the things unseen is what I must hold to and thus carry my hope in it as well. I know not everyone believes what I do, and the journey is to each one their own. But for me, and for many others here, it is a significant part of the journey through our grief and loss. I can only hope that by sharing my journey and how God speaks to my heart through my tears and longing, that also I can share the beauty of the hope that gives me such peace and comfort beyond anything I ever thought possible when I first began this journey. For me, just looking back from the first moments, traveling through my journey up to this point, I can see clearly every moment God has been with me. It may not feel tangible at the time, but looking back now, the progression of growing comfort and peace, and the healing in my heart, that is nothing less than tangible. I will pray that for you today, my friend--that as you reflect, you will know the tangible God and His Heaven through the work He is doing in your heart and life beyond the loss as He prepares a place just for you. Blessings and much love, Claudia

January 1, 2008

[align=center]Today is Griffins day...three years ago today (10:14 PM) The car Griffin was a passenger in slammed into two trees, killing Griffin instantly-so they say. Alcohol, excessive speed, loud music and playing around was the cause. Glad he went out swiftly and painlessly- and happy. [/align]

[align=center]:dude:[/align]

[align=center] Much Love to You, Griffin. [/align]

[align=center]www.griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com[/align]

January 1, 2008

What an inspiring post. Thank you for all your postings. I love reading your messages.

January 1, 2008

My dear frend, Kathy--you are feeling so overwhelmed with holidays just passing and Anthony's day just around the corner. You're missing him so much, and that alone is enough to cause all of the physical stress and pain, not to mention the emotional upheaval and unsuredness of whether you can survive this on your own. I always like to think we aren't alone in our grief, because so many here are feeling what we do. They care and understand, and help us to feel the world is not such a huge place swallowing us up. But I know the depths of lonliness all alone--physically alone. I've been fortunate that it's only been a month or so at times when I am here at home, isolated and by myself. But I cannot begin to know what it must be like living alone all the time. I can just imagine how the silence screams out loud. Oh Kathy, I just wish I could come over right now and hang out with you, give a great big hug, and just be there for you. I don't know if anything I could say or share would help in your time of super-overwhelming grief and lonliness. It's like a roller coaster or crashing waves that ease for a little while, but then come crashing in again. I don't dare go cliche' on you and say something silly...but I am so very proud of you for having come this far. You've already accomplished so much in your community to bring awareness to drunk driving and the REAL victims. I know it is no consolation at all for what you've lost. But I can hear in my own heart how Anthony must be cheering you on--His Mama. If only we could hear their voices...see them...have another day... I know, my friend.

Have you considered starting a support group or becoming involved in one with the seemingly many moms in your community/city that have lost children recently, over the past many months? I don't think support necessarily has to be like counseling sessions as much as it could be women just getting together to spend time, and feel not so lonely for a while--to be understood, to talk and share about your kids, and maybe to share movie nights, hobbies--anything. I'm not in a position to do something like that where we live and work, but I know if I could, something like that would be very inviting. I cna just picture myself organizing a dessert night and then sitting to eat a whole pan of brownies.

I hate to think you've come this far and then have to surrender your independence and evrything you've worked so hard to achieve. But you have to do what is right for you. If living alone is too overwhelming, then it is what it is. That doesn't mean you have failed at anything. It just means you have to take baby steps right now and take care of yourself in the company of whomever you choose to board with. Or maybe if you have an extra room, you could put an ad in the paper for a grad student (female) or a compatible person to rent (like 1/2 utilities, use of the kitchen, etc...) That may be too weird for you, but on the other hand if its something you want to explore, I encourage you to do that--just screen very thoroughly and meet at a neutral location for interviews, like a coffee shop or something.

If your need is immediate, and your well being is compromised and in danger, please call someone nearby and reach out for help. Don't wait! And always, always know you can e-mail me or post as much as you need and want to. I'm back more now that I am home again. I spent 7 weeks traveling around between family members and friends for the holidays, and it has been good but exhausting. I'm really glad to be home. I'll look for you more, because I have missed you too. I am sending BIG virtual HUGS my friend. I only wish they could be physically felt, but maybe you can emotionally feel them and how very much I care. Love, Claudia

January 1, 2008

sooooooooooooooooo happy you are back Claudia. You are the inspirational glue that keeps us together! Kathy, I still don't have the words, but want you to know that I am sending you love with open arms, and like Claudia said, you have to do whatever it is that feels ok for you, and never, ever think of anything you do as a failure. Just the fact that each one of us gets up everyday and puts one foot in front of the other is such a major accomplishment. Somedays I wonder how I am even doing it. It feels like it isn't me, and this isn't my life, and I do so much pretending that it's getting confusing at times what is real and what isn't. Yes, I am going crazy! But I feel that right now that is what I have to do. I'm so comforted that we "are back" Claudia, Anne, Lana, still missing Trudi. YOu guys will be such a comfort to the heartbroken newcomers.

Wishing everyone love and peace tonite. Trish

January 1, 2008

claudia,

i've been reading so many of your post and i find your words so uplifting and so do many other people i see. i was wondering if we can talk. im 17 and lost my mom last year sept 06 and ive been so depressed. i go to a counseler once a week but on the oher days im lost and finding it hard to even get through the day. people say im very strong which i am, but deep down im dying, falling apart at the seams. the hardest part is everyone thinks i should be fine by now. but it was my mom and im having so much trouble moving on. i just want to be with her, i love her so much and nothing is the same without her. i just got accepted to college for nursing (im a senior in hs) and i want to tell my mom. i want her to be there for my prom and graduation. its so tough. will it get any easier? i feel it just getting worse and harder to deal with. last year was easier, because i was so numb. now i feel as if this year as been pure hell. im miserable. when im home i dont want to be here because she died in the lviing room, but when im out i kinda want to be home. itsweird i know. i just want a hug from my mom but i guess thats too much to ask for. i stay very active in school and i continue to get honor roll in school. i just wish she was by my side the whole way. i barely ever talk about it anymore because no one wants to hear it anymore except people who have been through it. i wish i could erase the pain for all us suffering bc it sucks so bad. i really want to enjoy mylife but its so difficult right now.

hope you are doing alright.

steph

January 2, 2008

[user=16461]katant[/user] wrote:

Claudia,
I am missing you. I need help.
As the first year passes, Anthony's 19th birthday next Monday, I feel more lost, scared, unsure, freaked out, forgetful, emotional, always tired even after sleeping 10-12 hours. I hate going to work, it's almost painful.
I am afraid I may have to move back home. Just 4 short months alone on my own, I don't think I can do it. What do I do?
It hurts so bad, it's just overwhelming, the stress is putting my body through changes that actually hurt. Early menapause, i'm just 39, the pain in my belly is nothing i have felt before.
Not sure what to do, scared of losing it all. Packing again, moving again. I don't think I am ready for this year. It's just overwhelming the numbness has worn off.
What can I do....
kathy
anthony i miss you so much

Kathy - Claudia sums it up perfectly when she describes the "super-overwhelming grief and lonliness. It's like a roller coaster or crashing waves that ease for a little while, but then come crashing in again". Losing your son took much more than anyone could ever know. It makes things you would normally have taken in your stride seem insurmountable.

Please, if you feel totally overwhelmed for longer than a day, pick up the phone and call someone. Be it a support network, professional counsellor or your local doctor....talk to them. Failing that, come here. Keep in touch through posts, I have found many postings that have turn my endless darkness around.

I have heard many here say, God only gives us what we can handle.......or words to that effect. Well, take the one step at a time approach with the job, the location, the moving and the isolation.

Take a breath, take a deep fulfilling breath and let it out slowly.......think of the things you have accomplished as Anthony grew and now in the name of Anthony.....you truly are amazing. ( I have seen the video of you with the police on the ride along)! Nothing about your future needs to be decided right now.....and certainly not all at the one time....

Capable, independant, intelligent, strong, driven and articulate are just some of the words that would define you. I don't say this lightly, but given you have faced the woman that took your son, ridden with the police to hightlight the issues and continue to deal with the (sueudo) father I can only believe the description fits.

You displayed such strength when you spoke publicly about Anthony's accident and circumstances of his death.

So many people need to hear that message from someone that lives it........Here the Ambulance, Fire and Police services run community education programs for centering on road trauma and alcohol. In it they have key note speakers, be them family of those effected by fatalities or victims whose lives have changed forever. Maybe, you could find strength and honour Anthony by begining or being part of a similar program where you are....

Anthony would most definitely be proud of the woman who raised him. Your strengths are not lost, nor is Anthony, they are just weighed down by the emotional landslide of holidays, birthdays and a loss that only those who live it, know of its depths......

Blessed be....Trudi

January 2, 2008

Trish-- Thank you for the "welcome home"! It's good to be back. I won't stay gone so long. I promise. We all made it through the holidays. yay! I won't be surprised if some melancholy follows. For you and others who have lost children and loved ones in 2007, I can imagine this New Year has a new set of emotions. Stephy, you too... I remember feeling last New Year that "this will be the first complete calendar year that Joey will not be a part of, here with us". I was so very overwhelmingly sad. i didn't want to face the new year, because that meant moving forward in time--and for me, I just wanted it to stand still--and since I couldn't roll time back, I wanted it to freeze closest to a time when Joey was still here. Well, I had some pretty tough emotional obstacles in 2007. Loss of this magnitude that we know will crash waves of grief over us again and again through the healing and passing of time, no matter how much progress we make. The only consolation is that in time the waves will be less frequent and maybe not as gigantic as they are in the first stages of loss. The thing is that the stages are different for everyone. And no one fails or is worse off than another if the grief stages are harder or longer, because in reality we all have suffered so greatly the biggest losses anyone could ever know. I've said to many this holiday season who have asked how I am doing out here in South America, and I say I no longer fear the unknown in the work we do and the things and dangers we may encounter. I've been through the worst my heart and mind can imagine. So, I guess that's progress... I've become stronger to face bigger Giants, because I can't imagine any other challenge would hurt me more. I guess that statement leads to the flip side of coming into a New Year. As I worked through my pain and lonliness of missing Joey through that whole first calendar year without him here, I also began to heal and feel strengths and comfort when I didn't expect it. I made prayer time and even begging God to help me through the darkness and into the light a part of my daily living. He listened and is with me through it all. I felt so despairing when 2007 came for me. i can imagine many of you are feeling the same or similar emotions and pain as 2008 has come. I am praying for you... My prayer sepcifically is that God will continue to lift you therough the dark part of the journey, and that He will shine more glimpses of light into your path. The missing will never stop--especially as we reach milestones and great accomplishments, and most certainly on special days remembered and shared in past with our beloveds. But the darkness of overwhelming pain and despair WILL break apart and allow us to reach through to the other side of the deepest part of the valley. If we don't see it clearly for a time, or feel any light for a time, please never give up hope that with each breath, each moment that passes, a new day arrives. And that can only mean we are not standing still in time, but we are moving forward through the valley. It takes courage and strength and determination, and perseverence to walk through the dark valley so that in our hope we can reach the other side. And maybe one day we will even reach a plateau that will give our hearts glimpses into Heaven and how beautiful it must be for our beloveds to have no more tears, worries, pain and the like as we do here. I know i love Joey so much that all I ever wanted was for him to be well, happy, full of joy, and receiving God's best in everything he did. I know Joey is getting that where he is. The worst part is for me being here without him--that I miss him so. And as I journey into yet another new year, this one is filled with more hope, because I survived and grew through the last one. I know we all can and will, though we don't always have the confidence or strength to take another step. It's in these moments that I ask God to walk for me...and I do believe there are many, many times He carried me. I expect I will call on Him again from time to time to carry me... because no matter how far I travel in this journey, I have truly come to understand what it is to need Him and His grace like that.

Stephy, you can most definitely call on me. I don't know where you happen to live in the world, but if you want to PM me or e-mail me (from my profile), we can get better acquainted and perhaps I can phone you in the near future. I live in Ecuador, here with my husband in ministry. I am from the US. My son died just a few months after I arrived in Ecuador for the very first time, so I've had my share of challenges and major life changes... I'll look forward to getting to know you, and if in any way I can help you in your journey of loss and missing, it would be my great honor. One thing I would like to say is that when I get to feeling very, very sad in missing Joey, I write letters to him. And sometimes I even pray that if I can give messages to God, would he please deliver them for me? I believe nothing is impossible through God. Whether or not my messages do get delivered isn't really my focus afterward. It helps me find comfort and peace just to share my heart with Joey, in my special way. I do feel in my soul that Joey knows... I believe your mom knows too... though you cannot feel her or hear her, she is part of you. She lives on in you, in your memories, in your very heart and soul. She is the one who by the grace of God breathed life into you, creating the miracle of a loving bond that last forvere--and not even time or death can separate that bond. The death was a temporary crossing from this life to her eternal life. I believe Joey lives, and I believe she lives, and time may separate us physically, but spiritually we are forever bound to one another, and we will be reunited again one day. Until then all we can do is have hope and faith in what is unseen to know that one day this too shall pass. It may be a long time for many of us...but in the grand scheme of things, when we leave here and reunite with our beloveds who live where there no longer is time as we know it, it will seem like only a moment has passed since we were last together. I dream about that. How sweet that will be... and until then, I know that the love Joey and I share binds us, and he is with me always and forever. The hardest part is the missing... and I can only imagine how frightened and lonely you must feel, heading off to nursing school, college, a whole new world out there. My younger son's girlfriend is just about to graduate from nursing school in May. She has loved it and is really excited to be graduating. Stephy, if you would like to share any of your special moments with us here, or with me, it's an honor. Because I know with great certainty that your mom is so very proud of you, and she knows...

OK.. that was winded and long... I guess I'm making up for time spent away. I've missed you all. I'm glad to be home! Blessings and love as we journey through 2008 together. BIG HUGS, Claudia

January 2, 2008

Glad your home Claudia ! :dude:

Kathy- dear Kathy - hang on in there.You are riding the crest of a giant grief wave, the holidays, the anniversary, the forth coming birthday... so many agonies on top of each other. Of course you are struggling extra badly at the moment.Try not to worry that you are out of control , you are responding exactly as anyone would under this kind of horrendous strain. I expect all of us can relate to the physical pains you mention, broken hearts hurt.I still feel that I can't believe it is possible to survive while feeling in so much pain, yet we do. I think also after one year, the numbness and shock really have worn off, and their anaesthetising effects have gone so you are feeling and experiencing the full pain and agony of your loss.I don't know about everyone else but I find it helps a little if I can understand what my body is going through and why I feel so physically bad at times, then it is not quite so frightening.

Kathy, don't rush into any decisions about moving, try to ride the grief wave.It will surely subside again eventually and you can gather up your strength and make focused decisions about what to do. Like Trudi, I have watched your video.Anthony would be amazed at his mum and what she has achieved.Let that give you some strength and a reason to keep going, to honour your lovely Anthony.

Steph, I guess we mums would just love to scoop you up and hug you, but we can only do it through words. You are so young and coping with so much, I am so proud to read that you are working hard in school and going into such a noble profession.The loss you have experienced will make you an extra special person and a brilliant nurse.That doesn't make it any easier for you I know, but you will truly be a better person for having gone through this.Your mum would be so very proud of you. Let her love make you strong and you try to get on wth your life. All bereaved people learn to wear a daily "mask" to help us through the day, and it covers our deep pain and agony as we try to function in the world again.Just be sure to also allow yourself time to grieve and cry and hurt, you cannot be strong all the time.Tears are healing, don't be afraid of them.And don't be afraid of those lighter moments of relief that will surely come, don't feel guilty- just enjoy a respite from your pain. Try to be with others who care, who will listen and let you talk.Is there any professional help or support available to you?I know what we have available in the UK but not in the states.Try to find out about it as it can help give you strategies to cope and heal and new friends as well.

Love to all at BI those who post and those who just read at the moment.

Anne

January 2, 2008

Claudia, glad your are back. We all sure missed you and your words of hope. You totally said it all, are hope is to be reunited with our children in heaven. That is all my hope that my son lives in heaven and has no pain, sorrow or no time. It is so hard to be on this earth with the pain of losing your beloved child. That is the only thing that keeps me going is to honor Brent's memory and to one day be with him in the Kingdom of heaven. This has been such a difficult road and we were always so good about going to our church but we have not gone back since we lost Brent. I know we need to go somewhere but I told my husband I can't go back to the one we had been to for several years I want to go where noone know us and does not ask how are you doing all the time. Does that make sense? We live in a small town and I said I was ready to drive 40 minutes away to go to a big church where people do not know us. It seems silly but I really don't like people asking me how am I doing? I am doing the best I can with God's help everyday. They really don't ask me at work anymore which is great by me. Usually I just reply I am getting by day by day. So on with all my silly feelings and ramblings... Glad you are back......

Steph, my heart goes out to you to be so young and losing the person that was your friend and mother. I know the hurt from losing a child but the best thing I can suggest is try to find someone you can talk with a special friend who will listen or a support group. I don't know where you live but some hospitals have support groups that is where I hooked up with a group. It is wonderful to share your feelings with others who are going through the same journey. It's okay to cry and feel sad that is the person who you loved. I just think of it as the process of part of healing from our loss. I have read many books on griefing and that has helped comfort me knowing that it is okay to feel all of our emotions. Your mother would be so proud of you continuing your schooling and going to college. Please post whenever you need we are all here for one another. All my love to you and big hugs, Love Lana

January 2, 2008

Lana, I know what you mean about just wanting to go somewhere where no one will ask "how are you" all the while knowing your pain, but in a sense breezing past itr as if it never happened. It's hurtful to us and awkward to them...and well, it's just so twisted, this world we live in. I am more and more insenced by the "all about me" attitudes that so many walk around with. I met it a lot during my trip, even in my own home church and in members of my family. It's truly the way of the world, and the more I focus on heaven, I just like this world less and less--but I know I have to be in it, so I pray all the time for patience and energy to deal with the stuff that is just sickening to me. I went to a Christmas program at my church, and my pastor's wife aske dme how I was. Then she went on and on and on and on about a woman in her small group who is "amazing, awesome, amazing again, and just everything of strength and whatever"...This woman lost a 12 year old son. Granted, I do feel for her loss, and unfortunately I don't know her nor did I get a chance to meet her. But I am sitting there thinking, "wonderful! well, you asled me how I am. why can't you acknowledge my loss, my pain, my amazing journey of healing, etc?" It wasn't to be all about me. It was just weird and kind of unbelievable that she was so insensitive to me personally while so all about being compassionate to the lady in her club of the month. It's so "clicky", like junior high. I don;t mean to rant, but I am just so amazed sometimes at how ignorant people can be. I had not been to my home church since before Joey died and when I came to Ecuador. I guess I was expecting that I was missed a little more. Well, in honesty there were a few very special sisters in Christ that were wonderful, hospitable, pampering, and so on. And I so enjoyed my time with them. I guess no matter if we go back to our old church or start attending a new one, there are going to be ignirant and insensitive people everywhere we go--clueless, really. I don;t know if you had any close and special relationships in your old church. I do have a few very special connections. But I have to tell you lana, even they disappointed me in the early months and first year of my grief. Life just goes on for people, no matter how much we or they care. Now that I have come to certain degrees of healing, and although I still shed tears and feel sad days, I am thankful for the special binds with these women. Now that I am among the living emotionally, I feel very blessed and thankful that i did not walk away from those relationships when I was feeling so hurt and rejected. They couldn't exactly be what I needed during one period of my life, but they were and are exactly what I need in fellowship with good and godly women. As for my pastor's wife, we were never close anyway. So, the encounter was way more weird than hurtful. I imagine that if you do gop to a new church, people will eventually learn about your tragedy. So, I am wondering is there anything worth rekindling in your old church?? Any once-special relationships. I think the thing to always remember is to not put too much stock in "people". because they are just people after all. God is the one that holds the remedy for what ails us, far beyond anything anyone else can provide. But it sure is nice to be able to count on friends too. Again, that's why i am so thanful for this site and the beautiful people here who are always in tune.

Many hugs and much love, Claudia

January 2, 2008

Claudia, thanks for your words it really does help. I have really only stayed in touch with one person in our church. She really has kept the bond going. I beleive she really knows what it is like because she lost a husband years ago with three small children within three weeks after he was diagnoised with brain cancer. She is a wonderful Godly woman who truly cares. The others that I thought I was very close with I have not heard or seen them since my sons funeral. Its difficult the first months to even talk to anyone let alone contact someone. I was hurt because I thought we really were friends but I have came to the conclusion they are just people and they are wrapped up in their own lives. I have several good godly friends that attended our church for several years but left and went somewhere else. I Thank God every day for those friends because they have kept me going. I cannot imagine what I would have done without them, maybe be in the fetal position not getting out in the world. I have been blessed by their friendship for years and they are the ones who truly came through for me and continues their loving support. I knew God had blessed me with special friends but I did not realize how much until our tragedy. I had always told my friends that God had brought us together and I know now why they had been brought into my life. We have always spent the last 3-4 years together on girls getaways in the summer or weekends. It has always been such a special bond. I even told them I was ready to have a girls weekend sometime in 2008. They make me feel life and laughter for few hours while I am with them. You really do know who your true friends are on this journey. I appreciate all your wonderful and kind words it means so much with this everyday struggle. Your words have been a true blessing to me during this journey. I know are boys are in heaven having a wonderful time celebrating their new life. It is just so hard when you miss their hugs and laughter. I just trust in Gods promise to us. Thank you for your freindship on BI it is a lifeline to so many of us. Love to you and all, Lana

January 2, 2008

hi Claudia,

thanks so much for replying! i would love to start talking with you. maybe we can help eachother. i live in New Jersey so of course you can phone me someday. i would love to talk. your words tend to be so uplifting and i'm thankful to have found this site. its such a relief for me because no one that doesnt understand "grief" doesnt know what to say and they say things that make us feel worse. i dont cry a lot but i guess im still very numb. my signs of emotion is i get REAL quiet to the point where i don't talk at all and thats not like me. im known in school and the clown, the person who cheers everyone else up and latelyim having trouble meeting that. i feel like i need some cheering up and people cant except the fact that me, stephanie is feeling depressed! i dont understand. i just want my mom. im very fortunate that i have a very close relationship with some teachers in my school, and that is a HUGE help. the fact that im graduating is bringing a whole other string of straggling emotions because school is truly my "sanity". i dont know what i would do without it. i struggle more when im on a break or not in school because it gives me more time to think. a lot of the reason why im super involved to the point where im stressed in school is so i dont have time to "think" as much. having no siblings makes it a little more difficult also, and the fact that i have the expectancy of being back to "normal" already from most people. but whatever i guess they just dont get it.and honestly i dont want them to get it, i want them to go through what we are going through, this ungoing intensity of PAIN!! i hate it! i'mtrying to make my mom sooo proud of me, and i know she is i just want her totell me. every time i think im okay i feel shitty again. its like i can never be "happy".

how are you doing?

hugs

stephanie

January 2, 2008

fujismom,

thanks for the reply. yeah im looking forward to nursing school. the love i have for people is tremendous and i want to make mommy proud. i want to work on the maternity or pediatric floor. i love kids!! kids are the only reason why i smile everyday. they are everything to me. i try to cry but it seems so hard right now. i cry easily with t.v movies life etc but when it comes tomy mom i holdeverything in and not even on purpose. than i have huge breakdowns on occasion and theyare bad. i do attend counseling once a week and its the BEST thing i could have ever done. i dont know what i would do without it. its something that is a benficial thing in my life. i'm actually thinking about joining a support group in a nearby town because i think i need to be with people that actually understand, since all the people on BI cant be together physically. i just want a mom, i want to be able to go to her and hug her but i cant do that and it stinks, stinks real bad. i have been through a lot and i know im strong but i just never feel myself and i havent in a very very long time. i dont know just wish i had a mother. she was a great women. she had cancer for 4 years, and was real sick. for her sake its better that she isnt suffering anymore though.

well hope you hanging in there. we can always talk.

steph

January 2, 2008

thanks for replying! i appreciate it. yeah its real hard. i attend counseling once a week and as we speak im actually looking into a support group with a friend of mine. she just lost her dad too and wants to go also. i feel as if the world is swept underneath me and everything is one big blurr. im very good at hiding the pain and acting like im all fine and everything but my god im now where near fine. im really glad i found this site because everyone on here is so supportive!!

u feeling ok?

hugs and love

steph

[user=18047]lagrangel[/user] wrote:

Claudia, glad your are back. We all sure missed you and your words of hope. You totally said it all, are hope is to be reunited with our children in heaven. That is all my hope that my son lives in heaven and has no pain, sorrow or no time. It is so hard to be on this earth with the pain of losing your beloved child. That is the only thing that keeps me going is to honor Brent's memory and to one day be with him in the Kingdom of heaven. This has been such a difficult road and we were always so good about going to our church but we have not gone back since we lost Brent. I know we need to go somewhere but I told my husband I can't go back to the one we had been to for several years I want to go where noone know us and does not ask how are you doing all the time. Does that make sense? We live in a small town and I said I was ready to drive 40 minutes away to go to a big church where people do not know us. It seems silly but I really don't like people asking me how am I doing? I am doing the best I can with God's help everyday. They really don't ask me at work anymore which is great by me. Usually I just reply I am getting by day by day. So on with all my silly feelings and ramblings... Glad you are back......
Steph, my heart goes out to you to be so young and losing the person that was your friend and mother. I know the hurt from losing a child but the best thing I can suggest is try to find someone you can talk with a special friend who will listen or a support group. I don't know where you live but some hospitals have support groups that is where I hooked up with a group. It is wonderful to share your feelings with others who are going through the same journey. It's okay to cry and feel sad that is the person who you loved. I just think of it as the process of part of healing from our loss. I have read many books on griefing and that has helped comfort me knowing that it is okay to feel all of our emotions. Your mother would be so proud of you continuing your schooling and going to college. Please post whenever you need we are all here for one another. All my love to you and big hugs, Love Lana

January 3, 2008

Steph, I think it will be a long time before we will be fine if we ever do. I am also excellent at saying everything is okay to all the people that ask. I lost my son 4 and half months ago and nothing will be the same. You put on a good face and just say I am okay. I have been able to express myself in my support group as well as BI and that does help everyday living. We have to have others to share with and I think you will find as I have that your life will go on but it will never be the same. You have lost someone that you loved and it will forever change your life. One of my dear friends lost her father two years ago and she still has a very difficult time dealing with the holidays and everyday without her dad as she has found out life is just not the same but we do learn how to go on. I hope you and your friend find a good support group that will help your through this difficult time. I am proud that you are doing so well in school I know that has to be very difficult to concentrate. My other son who is in college which was Brent's twin brother has had to concentrate on his school work since his brothers death and that is just a tremendous task for one to do when you have lost someone. So be proud of yourself for accomplishing a difficult task at this time in your life. Everyday is such a feat so be proud that you have survived another day. My prayers are with you, Love Lana.

January 3, 2008

thanks lana. yeah im thankful for being able to maintain good grades. i struggled a little bit right in the beginning but then picked them up quick to make my mom proud. i get told all the time from teachers and my friends that my strength is admired by a lot of people and i never realized that. its hard to wake up each morning, and the fact that i cant really sleep here it is almost 1 in the morning and i have school in the morning and im wide awake. i am very good at pretending im fine but oh my im so far from fine. doyou have a lot of support? im very fortunate for this site it has helped a lot

love stephanie

January 3, 2008

Steph, I had attended a support group for 7 weeks and it was great. The group only lasted those 7 weeks but it was great to talk to others who had lost one of their children to know that all of your feelings are normal. We plan on meeting sometime in January just to see how things went over the holidays. I do have some wonderful friends that I am able to share with even though they have not been through this they are so supportive. My husband has been wonderful even though he is going through his own heartbreak. I work in an elementary school and I am the at risk counselor so I know how hard sometimes it is to stay up late and keep going the next day and put on that "front". I am glad you have some teachers that you can share with. I also know what you mean about everyone thinks you should be fine and be back to your old self. I was always having a good time and making jokes and laughing but that has stopped. It is okay not to be your old self, I missed parties at school becuase I just knew I could not deal. You do what is best for you to get through this journey. Hugs and prayers, Love Lana

January 3, 2008

2 months today, since my dear David was taken from me in such a cruel way. My numbness, that feeling that people took as me being "stoic" has subsided, and all I feel is hurt. I try to work, which I luckily do from home, so no one has to see that I may not have combed my hair or changed clothes. But, my work is basically mindless, and any creativity lost. All my thoughts are of David. I try so hard to think of his sweetness, but the thoughts of his pain and suffering move in, although I know that part of his earthly life was only a "blink of an eye", and its over. Now, its my pain, and my others sons pain, and my mothers pain. I think hers may be every bit as awful as mine, as she is grieving for the loss of her grandson, as well as for her child, who is hurting.

On one brighter note, a local Politician I know, who my news paper was working with, wrote to me last night and asked if instead of meeting to discuss business, we could meet for coffee. You see, his 21 year old son was shot and killed in his own driveway by our local Police Dept. several years ago, and he knows my pain! Finally, someone locally has reached out! It gives me hope, that I know I am not alone, even in my own town.

Anyways, a hug and a kiss for my Angel, David who is 2 months in the Lord's housse. I am so grateful that I gave David the gift of telling Him about God, and I know that David went into His loving embrace when he left mine.

Love

Lisa

Davids Mama

http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com

About all my graphics...its just about the only thing I enjoy doing, so I hope it doesnt bother the heck out of everyone here. I must have scanned a million photos and added graphics, frames, text, etc to a couple hundred....its all I have.

January 3, 2008

I've been here reading all your entries, your thoughts, your fears, but mostly your pain. It's a pain none of us wanted to understand but here we are. This month we will have a second birthday party without the guest of honor with us. He's alive but not on earth. Today makes 22 months since his arrival in heaven. So here I am, a Christian all my life, what you see of me in church is what you see in my home, no games. Still with all of this, my carnal mind I needed to make since of it all. I did all I knew to do. We never lost a young person in my family before. They all seemed to live to the early 90s', with the occasional 45-50 due to illness. Why my son? All I kept hearing was “Because he was ready”. I do thank God for the bubble He so lovingly had me in. It protected me from, well I guess you could say ‘reality’ or the harshness of it. The numbness is slowly wearing off and the reality is in my lap. I share your pain when I read what you’re going through. I don’t always respond, sorry about that, but because I know the depth of pain you feel, I pray for you, I weep for you and share your sorrow along with my own. Knowing your pain from the personal experience of my own has helped me know how to pray for you.

Here’s what I wanted to share, a story of sorts in a book called “One Minute After You Die” a really good book.

When a shepherd seeks to lead his sheep to better grass up the winding, thorny mountain paths, he often finds that the sheep will not follow him. They fear the unknown ridges and the sharp rocks. The shepherd will then reach into the flock and take a little lamb on one arm and another on his other arm. Then he starts up the precipitous pathway. Soon the two mother sheep begin to follow, and afterward the entire flock. Thus they ascend the tortuous path to greener pastures.

So it is with the Good Shepherd. Sometimes He reaches into the flock and takes a lamb (or so) to himself. He uses the experience to lead His people, to lift them to new heights of commitment as they follow the little lamb all the way home.

Simplistic in it’s presentation yet so powerful in what Erwin W. Lutzer passes on to us. Our beloved children are having a grand time in heaven and will one day be there waiting for our time to cross the veil welcoming us home and I believe my son, Ian Allen James Brasseaux will be there to be part of the escort through the grand tour of the heavenlies as your loved one will for you.

Have a Blessed day

Faith, Iansmom

January 3, 2008

Question for some of you, which I hope none find strange, but then I suppose nothing would be considered to bizarre in how we deal with things. Anyways, after David died, I had to hear every last detail from what happened. I wanted to find out from every single person that was involved, before it came out in the media, or in court. Unfortunately, this has become a fairly high profile case in our City, because of the trauma itself, how many boys were involved, how my David fought for his life, and despite surviving for so long while trapped under the car, died before rescue could remove it. Also, David's best friend has been charged with Homicide by Intox use of a vehicle, and causing great bodily injury by DUI- 3 charges. My son was 17, the driver, just 18, and he had lived with us. They were like brothers, and now Matt is facing up to 65 years. Oh God are we praying for a plea so this doesn't go to court. If all the details of what David endured came out it would be devastating. My other sons would have to hear what I have had to hear, the last moments of david's life "caught on tape" via the Deputies mic. (the Deputy was completely under the car for more than 20 minutes, holding Davids face up out of the mud..his mic got "stuck" on and was recorded...the deputy screaming for help, David crying, the chaos, david saying he was tired, the Deputy trying to keep him awake, David passing away while the Deputy yelled....) This does NOT need to be heard in public unless its my family sharing. My 14 year old son has gotten questioned enough about this. Also, if this came out in court, I do believe that matt would be given the strictest sentence he could be given, and we are not wishing for that.

I saw Matthew ONE day after David was killed. Matthew had been air-lifted to a trauma center with a broken neck. BUT, per the crime scene investigation, of the 4 other boys in the accident, Matthew was the one who was found to be frantically trying to get his brother david out, digging with his bare hands, pulling David's arms, crying and screaming for help, and refusing to give up until he was subdued. HIS NECK WAS BROKEN, WITH HIS VERTEBRAE POKING THRU HIS SKIN!! 5 teenage boys did something totally stupid. ALL of them, including my own son. They drank a bottle of vodka and went for a drive. Now, i will admit that Matt was a known careless driver, and that we did not allow david to go in Matt's car. He MUST be punished, but not 65 years, or even 20. Matt's suffering began moments after the crash, and his punishment is knowing David died, and that he took MY childs life. I saw the grief, sorrow, humiliation, and regret on his face. No other punishment could compare to what his own mind will do to him. But, he knows I forgive him, and will support him. I am NOT, as has been suggested, trying to get him "off" without penalty. He will go to prison, and I pray he never drives again.

The things that is getting to me, is that all of the boys were underage. (under legal drinking age, 15 to 18) Obviously, the boys didn't go to the liquor store and buy 2 bottles of Vodka. They got an older "friend" to do it. This "friend" is 24, and has bought alcohol for them in the past. In fact, he bought david alcohol last Dec. and david had a near fatal alcohol OD, or alcohol poisoning. Our DA has, so far, refused to pursue charges against this man, because he doesnt wish to jeopardize his case against Matthew! I am so angry about this. Does anyone understand why I feel this MAN is "more" responsible? Any advice, or even someone who can try to justify things for me...its just so frustrating.....

You know, this wasnt even going to be the topic I was going to post, but its become so "wordy" that I think I will save my "question" for another...

thanks for letting me unload a bit.

Love

Lisa

davids mom

January 3, 2008

Faith- Ian's mum.Thank you for your words from the book- they are very comforting and give me some helpful images to hold on to.I know just what you mean about having so much longevity in the family, one gets to almost expect long life as a matter of course, and that tragedy only strikes others.Now we know different. My mother in law is in her 80s and has just had a hip replacement operation, we have been anxious about her but also have this unpleasant feeling that well- at 80 what does she expect- to live forever?It's such a long life compared to our children. I hate feeling that way but I have to admit I do sometimes.

Lisa, this is so hard for you. You are generous towards Matthew and I'm sure that lad is going through his own agony and has a terrible burden to live with., I know there are differences in our judicial systems but in the UK you would have an opportunity to make a Victim Impact Statement which would be used in court to assist sentencing.Your feelings would be taken in to account.Is there a similar thing available for you? I keep thinking also that the circumstances of David's death have left you terribly traumatised - post traumatic stress is a recognised symptom that you may need help with.

Lana, I too find church now very difficult even 16months later. It is the place where Jamie played in the worship band, and now is full of memories of his funeral. I cry such a lot when I am there but also sense others tiring of my grief, the one place where I should feel very safe to express it. We have experimented going to other churches but in some ways it is even harder being amongst others who don't know our circumstance, it is such a huge part of who we are. My husband was a worship leader and has never stood at the front leading since Jamie's death.He cannot play the guitar- his heart is truly broken.He has such musical gifting, as did Jamie, but for now there is no music in our house or hearts.These are all further losses and part of our grief.

Maybe one day things will change but for now this is the place we are.

Much love to all and a hug for Stephie x

January 3, 2008

Faith, I too loved reading the book excerpt you posted. It made me vividly see Joey as one of those lambs being scooped up by the Shepherd, and then Joey's dad prayed to receive the Lord a few days later and followed the Shepherd, and then Joey's little brother prayed a couple of days after his dad and also followed the Shepherd, carrying the lamb who is Joey... and I'm guessing others also prayed and followed after the Shepherd and Joey... and I know I am following. So, thank you for that beautiful portrait that is now permanently painted in the heart of this mom missing her little lamb. It's the most precious New Years gift. Thank You my friend. Love, Claudia

January 4, 2008

We have just lost a son. His name is Steven Starkey Bawol. He died December 8th, 2008 in a car accident. It was 2:00am. We was 19.5 years old. We had spoken to him a few times before 2:00 and he said he was on his way home. He drove past our house and up the road a few miles before going off the road and hitting a tree. There was black ice that night.

What I am having trouble with is the anger I feel towards Steven. I am angry that he didn't come home. It was icy. He was coming home. Why drive by the house? His younger brother was waiting for him to stop by with a soda. I just don't understand. I keep thinking that 12/8 was his time but that doens't help with my pain very much. He was so loved and such a caring young man. He participated in Youth Group activities, football, active in our church and just an all around great kid. His smile was infectious.

I don't know when the reality will kick in. Currently I am in denial. It has been 4 weeks. I know that dark days lay ahead. I have an 18 and 16 year old sons that are dealing with the loss of their big brother. I am trying to be strong for them but the tears come so easily. Looking at pictures of Steven are difficult. We talk about him alot. His friends have stopped over and told stories; his girlfriend spends a lot of time with us and our friends have been so supportive. Now what? How do we deal with month 2? Month 6? Year 2? Year 10? My heart feels like it has been smashed to smithereens and I cannot heal. I need to feel the pain to make it sink in that my baby boy Steven is gone. I hear the voice in my head that says... "Susy, you know where he is. He is not lost; he is home." I am just not ready to let go of him here on Earth. I want to hold him again. To see his smile. To hear his words... "Love you Mom!" It is hard to be normal and go on with things. Things are forever changed.

Any and all suggestions as how to cope with this loss is welcome.

Steve's Mom - Susy

January 4, 2008

Susy, I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart to see so many new people on BI. We are all going through the same journey some may be further along than others. I lost my son 8/11/07. It is a very difficult road and all I can say is take it minute by minute. The freshness of your pain is so great. That is the only way I made it is minute by minute and day by day. I had to say alot of prayers to keep me going. Coming to BI is a wonderful place where you can vent, cry and others are always here to help. I will be honest with you I still have days when it just seems so unreal to have lost a son. I felt exactly the same way, that you know where they are but it does not help the pain and heartache you are in. Your life has changed forever and you will learn to live with that missing person which none of us want to. I think the pain eases a little over time. I don't think it is quite as intense as it was the first few months but I do think every individual is different. I went back to work two weeks after my son left this earth and kept busy all the time. Do I have difficult times, yes, some days it hits me hard. As some say it seems to go in waves and you never know when it will hit you. I just try to honor my son and think of the great times and memories we had together. He was a wonderful boy who I will miss till the day that I die, but I look forward to the day we will be reunited. All my love and prayers to you and your family, Lana

January 4, 2008

Susy, welcome to the club none of wishes to be in. I am right with you in this awful place, as I lost my son November 3rd in an auto accident. So far, little has helped my pain, but sometimes one of the nice mama's, and daddy's here will say something that can be so comforting. Once in awhile I can even come to my own realizations here! Knowing that there are others who know this pain does mean something, and my hurting for them sometimes lets me let go of my own misery for just a little while.

I hope you can find your niche, to be able to talk about your pain, but share your memories...they are so precious. I am having a "better" day today, well better in the terms of that I am not laying in bed, crying non stop, hair unbrushed....This may not sound great to some, but for now I will take it.

Love

Lisa

David's mama

January 4, 2008

Susy, so so very sad that you have had to join us.

None of us wanted to be here but we had no choice.You have found the courage to write and that is a first step, we will all try to listen, support and share with you. Expect nothing of yourself at this stage, you are surviving moment by moment.Tears may flow freely or they may not, there are no rules.Read back over other posts, we all seem to agree that taking care of yourself as best you can is all you can do at this stage.Try to eat well, relax if you can, read awhile, walk,talk- whatever helps you.Many of us have found the routine of work has helped, others have struggled with this.We are all different.

You are in shock and the feelings of pain can be overwhelming.Be kind to yourself.Take comfort and support from family, friends and get strength from your faith and your family who still need you. Nothing can ever take Steven away from your heart, but it will take a long time to get any comfort from that thought.

For now, you just need to take it moment by moment.Feel the anger, it is a part of the grief.You will need to process what has happened over and over again to deal with it, first in your head and then in your heart.

We don't have all the answers but we learn together on our journeys.

Much love Anne

January 4, 2008

Lana- you are online. How you doing my friend?

Anne

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Loss of a Teenager

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