Loss of a Teenager

[annie6]

Oh yes! The pigeon really does NOT want to share that hot dog. What a hoot! I saw your comment on my blog, Sal. Thank you so much. We've all just got to love each other through these days, don't we? Thanks for yours today.

-Annie, Gavin's Mom

[bigmikesmom]

Annie,

Your page and blogs are beautiful. You seem like such a beautiful, tender-hearted person. Your Gavin is absolutely gorgeous. I should say handsome. Your daughter is beautiful. We are here for you. Hawai, what a heartfelt thing you did for Gavin and your daughter and grandson by having him buried there. Iwish you more and more days of peace. God Bless!

Patti-BigMikesMom

[mikesmum]

Grandbabies are the balm that heal the heart so that we might find our way.....

[bigmikesmom]

Mamabets- Betsy,

I wrote a message to you a liitle while back and you didn't respond but I wanted to tell you that yesterday I drove to Niagra Falls, N.Y. and got a mini-daschound. She is 12weeks old. She is beautiful. I debated for about 3 weeks and had asked for your opinion. Claudia and Trish and some others encouraged me to get a puppy, so I listened. I knew you had mini-daschounds and I remember you talking so fondly of them. So far you were 100% correct. She laid on my shoulder, upper chest all the way home-3hrs. She cried for a little while last night at bedtime. She is laying in my left palm as I am typing. She is so sweet. She is already making me change my bad habit-sleeping all morning. I got up at 8;15 am, took her outside. I wanted to name her MYKE, THE GIRLS WAY OF spelling Mikey but my husband didn't like that so I am trying to think of a girls name that has to do with Mike, like Claudia, named her puppy Jo-Jo. If ANYONE here ghas any suggestions please tell me.

To Everyone,

Yesterday was a nice day for me. I drive to N.Y. WITH THE TOP DOWN ON MY CAR, IT WAS 70 DEGREES. i GOT MY NEW PUPPY. I WENT AND SAW nIAGRA fALLS, I came home at 10pm and found greg's video and it was so awesome. I know MIKE was with me. Ilove and miss him so much.

Love you all.

Patti-BigMikesMom

[wyomingsal]

Patti,

I am so glad you were able to enjoy your day and get sweet little puppy too.    We need a few good days now and then. 

I can understand why your husband doesn't want to name the dog Myke.  Just a little toooo close. 

I can't think of many names that are close to Mike except Micah or Michelle.  Did Mike have any other nick names or things he really loved?  His college mascot?   His favorite sport?   Things that might bring a fun and loving rememberance of Mike and tie it to your puppies name?  Arch Angel (you know the angel Micheal?)  Or just Angel.  If it was a boy you could name him Archie for the arch angel Micheal.

What are some of our family jokes about Mike?  Find something funny to name the dog that always brings a smile and happy memory of Mike.

Sal

[wyomingsal]

Kathy,

The girls are beautiful.  How precious are the children in our lives.

Sal

[4everjoeysmom]

Patti, I vote for Mikki

Dogs respond well to 2-syllable names.  And it's cute for a little girl.  What do you think?

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, Your neices are beautiful!!  I'm glad the weather is getting nice.  It helps so much to move the gloom out when the sun is shining and the temps are rising.  70's is perfect in my book.  It's good to see your post.  I think of you and pray for you ALL the time!  Hugs, Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Kathy, missed you.  Your neices are a treasure.  They all are, aren't they?  Do you ever read the "loss of an adult child thread."  I'm not sure what it is, but I feel such a connection there, and I think you might too!  I think of  you often, and want you to know that my wishes for peace are with you.     Love~Trish

[mamabets]

For bigmikesmom~ How wonderful that you got a little doxie!!! I think that either "FAITH" or "GRACIE" would be cute for names, what do you think??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..Those little fat bellies on those little puppies!!!!! Ours are ages 10-15, and still going strong!!!

God bless you...She will make you smile, I promise~

You had mentioned before how someone didn't post back to you, Patti~ I wasn't aware that it was me specifically...

I give my heart and soul to many, you included. It is virtually impossible to respond back to each and every person, to each and every post.

I hadn't seen your post on the doggie... Sometimes I am not always on Beyond Indigo... I do the very best that I can.

We are all in this together, and I do respond LOTS, very often to "all" at once!!!

My email is huntross4@aol.com. PLEASE feel free to email me ANYTIME, OK? If you need me ASAP, email, OK????

Laurie, a dear friend that I have met through Beyond Indigo got 2 doxies- Cooper and Callie!!! We are "The Doxie Whisperers"

LOLOLLLLL

Attatched is a picture of them!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[bigmikesmom]

Betsy-Mamabets,

Thanks for your response. She is already making me smile. My husband too! She is making me get out of bed ,get dressed, walk outside,have responsibility. I told you Mike always like daxons and reading your post a long time back made me start thinking about getting one. I will post a pic soon. Thanks for the name suggestions.

Claudia and Sal, I love all the names. I can't decide. I am waiting a couple days to see what fits her. My mother-in-law thought of Ginger. Maybe I shouldn't try to link the name to Mike because she already makes me think of Mike becAUSE he liked daxon's.

Thanks  for responding.

Love to all

Patti

[mamabets]

For bigmikesmom Do you know what can help in naming her?? A baby name book!!!

LOLOL

Serioisly, just like a baby when you do not know what name fits- Then all of a sudden, boom!!

Our girls are Heidi and Rosie!!!! The boys, Kiley and Cody!!

HAVE fun!! They love doing cozies under blankets on the bed- They are badger doggies!!

GOOD GIRL!!! I am proud of you and I am smiling with you!!!

LOLOL

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Bets,  I had to smile when I read about your "kids" doing the "cozies under the blankets".  The most favorite time for both of my little ones (Shihtzu and Mini Schnauzer) is when I go lie down to read and they snuggle up on the bed with me.  They just love that time of day--or when I go to watch a movie on my mini DVD player.  They get so excited that they play for a little bit and then always settle in snugly for a nap with mommy...  Aren't our fuzzy kids wonderful?!

[veronicasmom]

Just found out that the son of one of my co-workers died in a horrific car accident this past Sunday.  He was only 16 and had just received his driver's license.  The funny thing is that he came to visit her at work on Saturday and she introduced him to me.  I remember thinking how polite and handsome he was.  And now, he is gone.  Her pain has resurfaced my pain.  I cannot go to the funeral; the thought of that makes me want to throw up.  I'll write to her to let her know how well I know her desperation.  Why do some of us have to go through so much pain, while others will have their children with them the rest of their lives?  And once again I find myself thinking:  What a shame, what a waste of a young life.  D.

[bigmikesmom]

D,

I am so sorry for your pain being resurfaced. After this settles down for you-the shock and memories, I know you will be a big support to your co-worker.

Betsy, Claudia,Sal, Trish,

i AM ENJOYING MY NEW PUPPY.W e bonded instantly. The name Heidi popped in my head last night. My husband liked it. He said they are German dogs. Then I read your post that one of yours is Heidi, pretty coincidental Huh!

Trish,

How is your dog doing?

The trial was supposed to start tomorrow and has been postponed, AGAIN. ugh!

 Good-Night

Patti-BigMikesMom

[4everjoeysmom]

Veronica's Mom, (D), I am so saddened to hear this about your co-worker's son.  You are right!  If anyone can understand her pain, it is you.  And I think after all the "business" is finished with the arrangements, memorial and all, and 2-3 weeks later when all of the people fade back into the woodwork, THAT is when she will need the kind of comfort and support, the kind of friend you can be for her.  I am sure she will understand why you couldn't go to the funeral and all.  You will have opportunities to talk with her after...  although it may be possible she won't return to work??  Our lives become upside down and unpredicatable after such a tragedy, as you know, and sometimes the job we were doing before doesn't fit into the new equasion.  Do you know how to contact her and keep in touch if that should happen?

There are no clear cut and dry answers for why some of us have to endure this kind of tragedy and others don't.  But I try to, instead of focusing on the "why me" so much, focus more on the "what is it I can do now to make this not in vain?"  I know each one of us that has come through such a terrible loss has something to offer another who is just beginning the journey....  true understanding that equals compassion and a bit of our time to hold the hand of another, and perhaps catch a few more of our own tears in a jar along with theirs.

I visited on Sunday with a family we've known for two years now.  Their 18 year old son drowned 3 months ago.  It is never easy to sit with a grieving family, because it brings my loss and pain raw to the surface again as well.  But when I sit, looking into the eyes and soul of someone hurting so deeply--their search for answers, their desperation--without words they sense the connection between us, that we are not strangers to what they are feeling.,  In that they are not alone.  They are comforted. 

I am praying for strength and wisdom to be yours through this journey--that as you process your own relived pain and loss, the bud of a new blossom will flower and be a sweet essence to comfort another who has entered our reality.  Bless you, Claudia

[wyomingsal]

At Joshua's funeral someone came up to me and said they lost their daughter and said they had the same hollow look that I had.  I was so suprised that someone else knew my pain. Someone else lost a child.   A newly grieving parent doesn't know that there are more of us who understand.  I was still in shock and don't even know who the lady was or how to contact her.  But to know that someone else had also lost a child made me feel an instant bond with her.  I wanted to talk more to here but we had to get in the limo and go to the graveyard.  I think we forget since we are here on BI with so many grieving parents that most people don't even know of others who have lost children.  It is talked about hush hush...That lady lost her son.  Shhhhh.   I never knew until after I lost my Joshua that a lady I knew from church had lost a little boy to sids.  He was born the same year as my son.  I feel such a connection to her son who is the same age and in Heaven with my boy.  They would have probably been friends here on Earth if both had lived. 

Vernonica's Mom,  I know you will be a huge support for her.  Just knowing that she isn't alone.  Somebody understands this hurt and pain.  Someone wont come up to her and say,  "you are so strong...I don't think I could stand it."  What exactly is that supposed to mean?  It made me feel like they thought I wasn't about to explode with the pain and anguish I felt inside.  Someone wont say...maybe it was for the best.  Or at least you have more kids.  Or my dog just died last month.  Grrrrr.  You know how bad the pain is and will just hurt with her. 

Hugs

Sal

[lagrangel]

Veronica's Mom,

  I remember so vividly several freinds, 4 couples to be exact that came to Brent's viewing and even a woman who worked at the funeral home had lost their children. I remember the words they all said " if I could only take the pain away," of course at that time I was in such shock and numbness and did not understand the full impact until a few weeks later.  I think you could be a wonderful comfort to your co-worker. It seems like very few people are their for you after the funeral and the weeks and months that you must pick yourself up and continue on with our life.  This may be a time you can reach out to someone else that is hurting and you know their pain. Sometimes when you return to work noone ever wants to mention your loss or pretend it did not happen. You may be someone she can share and open up to when she may need it the most.   Peace to you, Lana

[lovekristy4ever]

I am a new member.  I lost my daughter, Kristy, on 4/15/08.  I have a 16 year old son and I try to keep it together for him but when he isn't at home I usually just fall apart.  I am crying a lot.   She died of a cerebral hemorrage which was unexpected.  There were no symptoms or warning signs.    I am just hoping that some of you have some advised for me on how I can just cope....please.  Right now I just can't see how I can continue to live and function.  Any advised is appreciated. 

[daniellemom]

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm from Burlington, NC and there was a case just like your in our area. My only advise is that you need to take care of yourself. It's very normal for you to cry a lot! I'm sure your son is trying to be strong for you also. Please know that my prayers are with you and your whole family.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear, Dear Kristy's Mom, My heart is sinking for you...  It has barely a week for you.  I am amazed that you are enough out of a fog to find this web site.  On the other hand I can sense the very real desperation you are feeling -- the survival instinct kicking in yet not knowing how to even begin putting one foot in front of the other, much less breathe without feeling as if your heart and chest will explode.  The pain--so physical and emotional, so raw, yet only scratching at the surface in this very short time.  I am so, so very sorry for what you are facing, this devastation, this life that has changed and there is not a thing we can do but take the next breath and pray and fight for the ones after that.  Your surviving child must be hurting deeply as well.  I've been there--hurting so much for my own loss, hurting for my son's loss of his only brother and sibling, and not being able to do a damn thing about it.  It's frustrating and hard when all you want to do is curl up in a tight little ball and check out.  But you can't.  You just can't.  There's a lot to do yet in this life.  You're still a mom.  You have to keep going...  But how?  HOW DO I KEEP GOING?  That is the exact question and fight each one of us here has faced.  And there are no magic words or quick anectdotes to move ahead past the intensity of the pain in this freshest and rawest of times.  It's something we all have to journey through.  The ONE HOPE I can share with you is that each one of us here is surviving.  It can be done and we are proof.  Yes it's hard.  Yes it hurts.  But it can be done.  You do not have to fight this journey alone.  Lots of good people here will journey alongside you, because we are no longer afraid of the pain we each are learning to live with.  It changes shapes after a while.  In the beginning there are so many emotions, but first there is the shock and reality after denial starts to dicipate.  There will be anger, guilt, helplessness, anguish--just so many emotions, sometimes apart and sometimes jumbled into a big mess.  You may feel like you are losing your mind.  But you aren't.  We've all been there.  It's a process that cannot be rushed.  Each one journeys at a varying pace, but each one of us can relate to everything you may share and feel.  Knowing you are not alone in your feelings and that others understand s one of the biggest helps in beginning to walk this journey.  You've come to a very good place for love, compassion and support.  After the madness settles around you, when no one wants to speak Kristy's name for fear of upsetting you, when people don;t know what to say or say all the wrong things, no matter what, you can come here and speak her name, hear her name, tell her story and yours a million times, share, share, and share some more, get insights and support, and you can feel safe and encouraged that she will not be forgotten.  Come here among us as much as you need and want to and know you are not alone.  There are lots of good resources we can share amongst each other for our surviving kids and for ourselves.  Compassionate Friends is a good website for some sibling grief resources.  I got some things there for my son after Joey died, almost 2 years ago, and they were helpful.  Although I found that his grief is more subtle and he got in with life much quicker...  he hasn't forgotten.  he just needed so desperately to find his new normal more quickly.  I am still seeking my new normal, but it is coming slowly and surely, and I am finding some healing that I never imagined would be possible in this lifetime.  I am so glad you searched for some support and found BI.  Plese keep coming and posting often as you need.  There will always be someone ready to meet you...  Hold on tight as the tidal waves crash in and move about.  I am a woman of faith, and as much as my faith rocked in the early months, it is very strong still.  It comforts me to believe my son's eternal journey began when his journey here ended, and it is not "our" end.  I will see him again, for certain.  I just know it!  It comforts me.  It's a long journey here so it seems.  But I am comforted in knowing that he is safe and well, alive and complete.  His journey and purpose here were fulfilled, though I may never understand why so soon in this lifetime.  I want to honor him and his life here, and I can only do that by going on and shouting his name to the world and sharing the joy he brought.  In time I pray you will be able to do that too, as that is where the healing journey begins.  Bless you and BIG HUGS.  I am praying for you and hope that you find some comfort here...  Claudia, (4everJoey'Mom)

[lovekristy4ever]

Thank you for responding.  I live in Mebane and the case that you heard of is probably Kristy.  My son is absolutely wonderful and he is being so strong.  I worry about him constantly since he is being so strong.  I am trying to eat and drink if only for him and my husband.  Everything in life just seems so insignificant now.  I miss her so much.  I know that life will forever be different now. 

[4everjoeysmom]

P.s Kristy's Mom, I know Mebane very well.  I worked in Chapel Hill for 6 years and one of my former bosses lived in Mebane, a beautiful horse ranch there.  When you are ready, please share Kristy with us.  We love to hear about our babies gone too soon, and we never tire of speaking their names...  Hugs, Claudia

[lovekristy4ever]

Claudia,  thank you for the kind words.  My mom found this web site for me.  I am hurting so bad, I need to feel that I am not along and I will not die myself of this broken heart.  Although, I have to say I am still at a place in my grief that the option of no longer existing still does not seem like a bad thing - Terry

[daniellemom]

Kristy's Mom

I have been praying for you since the day Kristy passed away. I don't know you but I work with one of Kristy's friends Mom, Kim Williams. I'm going to PM you and give you my number if you need to talk you can call me. I'm about 10 minutes from Mebane. I lost my daughter Danielle to a car accident 6 months ago.

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh THANK YOU GOD for bringing Danielle's Mom Sonya, who lives so close to Terry, for a compassionate friend to another in need.  Kristy, Sonya is a beautiful person, and I know she will be a great hand-holding, tear-sharing, comforting-shoulder for you.  I pray you will find kinship and warmth in each others' company...  I am so thankful that you posted Terry.  I believe God has already answered a prayer!  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[bigmikesmom]

Kristy's mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I agree with Claudia and everyone's words. I was just posting a poem on the other thread called"loss of an adult Child" It preety much says what Claudia said but in a poem, written by a lady who lost her 2 year old son in a drowning accident. I lost my son 17 mo ago. I will be praying for you and your family.

Sonya, You are such a sweet,caring person.To offer your help is so self-less especially durinf this time for you.

It's amazing to me that so many knew her on this site.

Kathy,

I am so happy for you that the job is going well. I didn't realize,or did I, that we are so close in our son's dates. you are 16 mo and I am 17 mo. It seems like yesterday in some ways but it seems like forever since I talked or saw Mike

Love you all,

Patti

P.S.

 EVERYONE, READ THE POEM I POSTED ON THE LOSS OF ADULT CHILD THREAD. I THINK WE CAN ALL RELATE TO IT.

[daniellemom]

Kristy's Mom,

Thanks for your message and I understand that it's hard to talk right now, it hard to do anything. Know that I will try to be here for you when you are ready. I have not joined a support group because our area doesn't have one for parents. Right now you are so new to this the most important thing right now is to just take one second at a time, cry when you want to cry smile when you can. Love your son and husband. Know that I will be praying for you and thinking of you often. Anything you need let me know please, I remember people saying that to me but believe me I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I will listen to you and get to know Kristy through you.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[wyomingsal]

Kristy's Mom,

I am so sorry that your Kristy is no longer here with you.  I lost my oldest boy (age 10) last July and the first week I was still in shock.  I honestly couldn't even eat because everything just tasted and felt like cardboard in my mouth.   People thought I was taking it well.  (Like any mom could take the death of her child well?)  I don't think so.  It was horrible and still is but I am coping and the pain is less intense now 9 months later.  The funny thing was that I talked to people and played hostess.  I chatted and talked about my boy being happy in Heaven.  I hugged my living children and comforted them.  I carried on because I had to.  As long as I had all the distractions during the day I kept it partially together.  At night when I lay down....the pain and swirling thoughts and disbelief overwhelmed me.  No sleep.  Tears and sobs and weeping.  This can not be!  I was often up before anyone was awake and I just sobbed and cried and longed for it all to be a bad dream I could wake up form. 

Please take care of yourself.  Try not to isolate yourself.  It is ok to cry with your son.  He knows you are hurting..dont try to hide it.   Grieve together.  Talk about memories together.  This journey of grief takes time.  You might have times of even more pain and despair before the pain softens...but it will soften over time.  Please know we are here for you.  We all hurt and miss our children. 

Some things that helped me:

Reading the Bible: specifically verses about Heaven

Praying

Not expecting anything of myself except to grieve and love my living children and spouse

Writing poems

Starting a memorial site

spending time looking through pictures and remembering and sharing him with everyone who wanted to hear.  I laid out all Joshua's pictures on a table in the living room for visitors and friends to see whenever they stopped by. 

Taking time off of work

Accepting the help of others

[lovekristy4ever]

Thank you all for your responses.  It really is a big help to know that I am not alone and there are people like you to help.  I am sure I will talk to you all frequently.  I am still pretty numb but I do appreciate all of the help and support.   Here is a link to the article they published about Kristy in our local paper:

http://www.thetimesnews.com/news/loved_12585___article.html/remember_smile.html

 

[calebsmomma]

I did the same thing with the pictures.  They were all over the basement, which was Caleb apt in our home.  His friends leave some once in a while.  I will find them.  I'm considering starting a new scrapbook, one for each girl of their brother.  They have asked me to.  I've also asked the boys to tell or write Caleb Stories for me.  You know the one's I didn't know about cause I would have been furious, but the one's I would have heard about when he was 40. 

Each day is a struggle, I wish I could offer more advice. I lost Caleb 12/19/07, he was 19, and just don't feel qualified, all I know is do whatever it takes.

Love yourself and your family and lean on God.

 

Carmen

[4everjoeysmom]

Terry, I read the article and just by the short view I got, I believe Kristy was a super remarkable girl who went on to make that difference.  We tend to never understand in this lifetime why our precious kids have to go so soon, so unnaturally before us.  To know that several others lives go through Kristy's organs...that's so amazing...  It is so sad, yet so amazing at the same time.  I wish we could have shared Joey's organs.  Cirumstances of trauma and time made it impossible.  I so wish at least that he could have given in that way....  I know it's so soon.  And it's remarkable that you even came here to BI so early.  But you do have friends here, people who care very much.  Bless you and may God keep you in his comforting loving care as you mourn your sweet girl Kristy.  HUGS, Claudia

[wyomingsal]

I read the artical about Kristy.  She sounds like a wonderful young lady.  My heart goes out to you and your son. 

God's peace and comfort upon you,

Sal

[daniellemom]

Terry,

What a nice article. Danielle played softball too, she loved it. She played center field or first. Kristy is a beautiful girl!

[katant]

So I am also sending my thoughts to the new people that have joined BI and knowing that this is a site where you can come to for SUPPORT and HELP and ADVICE.

Take care of yourself.

Don't apologize.

Say No if you have to or yes if you need to.

Ask for help, you will be surprised what people want to do to help

in anyway they can.

keep your family close

keep your friends close

cry and cry more

sleep and sleep more

then the pain you feel will not really go away, it just seems to dull a little

try to just take one minute, one hour or one day at a time.

Don't make appointments and don't drive.......it crazy how your head just does not work.  But it comes back and again the pain is there however we all I think seem to change our reason for living because as I have found out that the day I lost Anthony was the day my life would never be the same again.

Learning to live a new life, and still learning 16 months later.  Changing my thought process and knowing and being thankful that I had 18 fantastic years with my son and all we and he did.  How proud I am of him.  How proud I am for the things I am doing now and in the future to change and help others.

It's amazing how fast you learn that some people are just not able to handle what your going through and that's okay...let them go...believe in yourself and know that we are here for each other and the ones looking for an alternative reason will learn that things will come back to them.

Live for the memories and the dreams and the knowing that each day you get through brings you one more day closer to seeing our babies again!!!!

Claudia...thinking of you

Patti...hope ur well

Trish....thinking of you as well

and all my friends on BI knowing that I can come here for support and love.

((HUGS)) Katant

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I am always thinking of you too..  and your last couple of posts have been so encouraging.  I am so happy that your new job is going well, that you are grooving into a new schedule and liking it, and that despite the terrible psin of loss you now live with--Woman, you are doing it!!    You are progressing from baby steps to some pretty good sized steps forward into healing.  I know it still hurts.  But wow!  Anthony must be SO PROUD of his mama!!  I kid you not.  And I'm proud of you too.  Keeping you in thoughts and prayers, and sending you GREAT BIG HUGS, Claudia 

[mamabets]

For bigmikesmom~ HEIDI- I knew it!! I knew you would name her that and it is a PERFECT name for her!!

Have tons of fun~ She will bring you such joy and laughter...

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For lovekristy4ever~ I am so, so, so, so sorry that you have found yourself here with us. You are in the earliest of stages with this, and we all know how you are feeling, so for this I am grateful that you HAVE found us...I am just so sad for your broken heart.

My 25 year old son, Danny, left us in June of 2004. He was, and remains to be, completely awesome... It has softened some, yet the past couple of weeks have been harder than ever. It is a continual roller coaster of emotions, and hope will always be your guide.

Come here with us as often as you can, for there will always be someone here to help you. If only you come to read, you will never feel alone. I come and read when my hands seem too weak to type!!

The torture that creeps into the very core of who you are most certainly leaves, in time. It is replaced by the good, good, memories that WILL flood your heart again. It just takes time, and believe it or not, time does pass in spite of this nightmare.

We are all here for you and there is so much compassion here, you will find it quite remarkable.

God Bless You and keep coming back!

LOVE

mamabets  

[4everjoeysmom]

This was posted by MarksMomForever (Roxy) on a separate (single) thread.  I think it was meant for here...

--------------------------------------------------------

Hello to All,

Kristy's mom my heart goes out to you sincerely. Although I definately don't know alot about this out of desperation i keep going on. I can say though with confidence that a few things I did shortly after our son Mark passed away (Oh how I still hate saying that) has at least to this point kept me sane.

I to found this site within a few weeks of losing our son, and although I had a hard time talking to friends and family I could come to this site and send messages each day. I truly believe this was my life line....... and I believe it will give you some comfort I found I didn't have to say everything here as so many totally could understand my thoughts and feelings no matter how bazare they sounded. I also found it good to read all that I could about how other parents have survived this. And lastly I found continueing to work kept my head straight at least for the duration of my work day. If there is anything I can do please just ask?

To everyone I apologize for running away, I don't know why I think I thought I could take a break from grief. I have been working so hard to hold my family together that I didn't realize I was starting to lose myself. I don't even know maybe I have lost it. I have heard from many others that TIME will help, yet it has now been a little over three years since we lost our son and I swear my pain is intensifying. I find myself getting very angry at things in life, I feel a hate for the person who caused our sons death like nothing I have every felt before. YES, we are going the court route but as it approaches I fear that it will bring me no comfort. As you know no matter what happens I cannot have my son back. I have also discovered that although losing our son has been the worst watching my other two children slip away and my husband and I , well I don't even recognize us anymore.

PLEASE tell me does anyone out there get those unbelieveable urges to go to your child?? So many night when I am in that thinking zone, you know the time where you re run that day through your mind over and over and you think how could I have made this different...........Maybe I am weakening, maybe I can't do this anymore.....

Sometimes I even lose my breath, its like something just hits me in the stomach and takes my breath away. I have cried so much in the past three years that as soon as I start to cry my eyes sting and my heart aches. I am open to hearing any of the insight anyone can offer me, see I don't personally know anyone who has been through what we have except of course those I met on here.

I send you all my special wishes and thoughts, hope to hear from you maybe even some of you remember me? Take care love Marksmomforever (Roxy)

[lovekristy4ever]

I just wanted to let you know how glad I am I found this site.  I usually cry when I read everyone's posts, but I cry a lot anyway.   I relive the day that we rushed Kristy to the hospital over and over again.  I don't know how to make that stop.  Today we got a call to ask us to come to the softball raffle dinner for her travel team which is tonight.  They said that they still want us to continue to be part of the "family" but I just think that it hurts too bad since that team was a big part of Kristy's life.  I just don't know how to balance not isolating myself with going to place I know will hurt and make me cry.  Kristy was our life since she was one of those kids that was involved with everything and we had to drive her to all her activities and all of our activities surrounded her.  Our son is 16 and is a little more independent.  He works as a soccer ref and last night we actually just went to one of the games just to watch him work.  I still need to feel like a mom somehow but I know that he needs his independence as part of his healing process also.  I'm rambling a little but I'm confused, hurt and miss my daughter.

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words.

[4everjoeysmom]

Terry, Finding "the balance" takes time.  Achieving the energy and ability to begin orchestrating that balance, well, that's an even greater challenge.  And this is all so new...  11 days out...  At 11 days I didn't want to go out and about.  I just wanted to sit in one place, Joey's childhood home, and be surrounded by family, surrounded by everything we needed to be in the moment--crying, even laughing at some of Joey's quirky, silly ways, and allowing ourselves to openly mourn.  During that time the only "outing" I wanted was to sit in his closet, alone.  My husband and I went out one night with Joey's dad and step-mom, and I only remember it through a haze.  It's hard to "just be" when you have to put on make-up, put on a face or a persona to go out and attend a public function.  You have to wonder and worry about when the tears will fall and if you will look like a crazed racoon after the mascara smears all over.  I couldn't nor wanted to do that for a good while afterwards.  I just wanted to mourn.  And like you, I fought day and night those horrible images of Joey's last moments.  I think we all go through that in those early days, weeks and months.  It took a while for me to get through that and learn to replace those images with ones of hope and light.  Some I believe are still stryggling a good while after.  It just takes time and it is a process.  I believe remaining a part of "the Softball Family" will be an important part of your healing.  But you don't have to rush into the action.  I am certain at 11 days EVERYONE will understand that you need some space and privacy to mourn right now.  And you ARE mourning.  Grieving is a whole 'nother journey beyond the mourning.  Just allow yourself, without guilt, to "be" and to mourn.  It's a very important and necessary part of the process, as much as it is awful and none of us ever dreamed we would have to do this.  Don't worry about "keeping up appearances" for now.  It will all be there still when you are ready...  My heart and prayers are with you, Claudia

[JJKMTODAY]

Do be kind to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how you should be grieving.  I lost my beautiful son, Michael, 4 years ago to a motor bike accidentwhen he was only 17. I have a daughter, Kristy, who is now 27 and not a day goes by when I don't think of him as I know his Dad and sister Kristy do also - it is a long journey, and I pray I/we all will be with him again one day.

I chose to have grief counselling, I sought mediums, I searched and searched.  I can honestly say that grief counselling was very beneficial - I had 3 sessions.  After the first session, I realised that 2 hours had passed, which seemed like no time at all, and I cried for most of this session and was able to release what I could never have done to family and friends - Friends and family tend to try and make you feel better and offer solutions and, of course, there aren't any.  With a counsellor, you can cry and cry and get angry and they are there for you.  Family and friends are so crucial but, they are only human and can't bear to see you in this state for too long, whereas an independent counsellor can listen to all.

The yearning and loving never ever goes away, but the day to day agony does ease with time. The pain, as you would know, is indescribable but with time this pain does lessen - not to say it doesn't hurt, but it is not so severe. 

I wish you love and strength in your journey; life can be so hard, but we do have to go on and be there for our remaining children and family, as best as we can.

 

Jane x

 

 

 

I

[annie6]

Big Mike's Mom-and all of my family here at BI-

Thanks so much for coming to visit my blog site to see the pictures of our Gavin. Your giving your time and kind words have once again worked miracles in getting me through another tough anniversary. I'm beginning to believe that I can go on--never as the same person, but in a new, more mindful way.

I'm aching for the new parents I see here. Kristy's Mom, I wish I could put my arms around you. These early days and months are the hardest of all: reliving the shock, trying to take in what still feels so impossible. I will keep you in my prayers. Every person here has given you good, good advice. Keep listening to your heart and your body. Give yourself permission to sleep, to do nothing but grieve, to cry, to be lazy, to do whatever it is that gives you any comfort (I know, that comfort list is short--maybe even non-existent right now). But for right now, love yourself as much as you love your daughter.

I noticed that at first I counted the days, then the weeks, and now I'm counting in months since Gavin's death. It reminds me of when he was born . . . first he was days old, then weeks . . . I really think we're all in a kind of labor as we grieve . . . going through the excruciating pain of giving birth to a new life, a life without our babies. I'm so glad that you've found the strength to reach out to others and ask for help. I've learned that the amazing souls on this site will be there for you. Keep asking for what you need when you need it. These beautiful people at BI will do all they can to be there for you. Someday, we'll count the time from our loss not in days or months, but in years, and hopefully, the strength we've gained from each other will serve us in helping others whose loss is still so fresh and so violently painful. It does get better. It really does.

Well, I've rambled here. I'm so grateful for all of you, and for angels who watch over each of us in this journey we never dreamed we'd take.

All my love,

Annie, Gavin's mom

p.s. Congratulations on the new puppy!!!! "Heidi" is a wonderful name! I got two puppies in January and they've been just what the doctor ordered. (Well, maybe not at first when I just wanted to stay in bed and they had to go out . . .)

[mamabets]

For lovekristy4ever~ What a remarkable young lady Kristy was..She is with you always, still, just in a different way.

I lost my 25 year old son, Danny, in June of 2004. He, too, donated his organs and saved 5 lives.

This is all so new and excrutiating to you right now, dear God...Just keep coming back here and surround yourself with those that really do understand every word that you say. We all do..We understand all of your feelings and every emotion that goes along with them. This is life's hardest thing for one to endure...

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For annie6~ Hello my dear friend...I can't help but write to you after reading your post...

I CLEARLY remember it being 9 months after Danny passed away...9 months after being everywhere but on the other end of my phone, saying "Hey, Mom...I love you- Gotta run, I'll call you in a little bit- Have to get to the gym before it closes"

I gave him life and it was 9 wonderful months waiting for him... And, it what seems to be a flash, he was gone~

That was almost 4 years ago. The 25 magical years with him here flew by MUCH faster than these 4 have, this much is for sure...

So, I celebrate him STILL. I  have a library full of journals, I have scrapbooks galore of the "heart signs" that he has left, I "see" him and all of our angels in the beautiful garden in the backyard, and I am now starting to dream of him. I have had 2 in the past month~

LOVE

mamabets

[annie6]

Dear mamabets-

Thanks for the smile and the hello. I loved your "conversation" with Danny--the easy 'I love you' from a good son who obviously loves his Mamabets so much. We cling to those last conversations, phone calls, voicemails, don't we? Just this morning I was thinking of my last moments with Gavin, hugging him at the curb in the airport . . . his backpack and his heart stuffed with plans and dreams--my own heart lazy with the assumption that I'd see him again and again and again. These thoughts and memories don't scald like they once did, though. Healing comes . . . and goes . . . and comes again. Waves of pain then peace. We are not alone.

Claudia-Thanks for finding and posting the note from Mark's mom, Roxy. Your good heart just keeps shining and blessing others, and we are all so lucky to know you. Roxy's angels are happy you were playing heads-up ball! Joey must be so proud of his mom.

Roxy- I hope you're still following this thread-and I pray that the despair that filled your post was a passing storm. I relate to your desire to 'follow' Mark--anything to be able to see, to hold him again, no? I have felt this too. But I pray for you that these feelings wane, as well. If not, please find someone to talk with--to counsel with. Your grief timetable is your own and you are owed the dignity of moving through it at your own pace, AND you will find value and peace in seeking someone to support you as you move forward. Depression and despair needn't be your constant companions. Mark isn't in them. I wouldn't be so bold, but your words gave me some concern--and your plea for some help invited me to speak. I hope you will feel the love in my words and the genuine concern of a fellow traveller who's been where you are. I send you all my love and strength.

May we, all of us brave souls, find ways to love and lift today--even (and especially) ourselves!

All my love and prayers,

Annie-Gavin's Mom

[katant]

I to remember the day Anthony was home that morning, he was just hanging around, taking a shower, coming into my room every other minute...."hey moms" and walk out..he is so funny.

Then he went down to his room and cleaned it, got ready for work and came up stairs and grabbed a piece of pizza and said..."ok moms, i'm outa here"..."love u" and I said "luv u to bud, are you staying at home tonight?" (his best friend Ryan had just returned from National Guard duty and had spent the last two previous nights over his house)...he said "um...not sure but ill call you later" .... "ok be careful and love u" again...  He then called me about an hour later just to call..he always called me 4-5 times a day, at work..etc.

He never called after that.  I remember that Wednesday of that week I was taking him to school and he was all dressed up...weird...and I said.."What's with the dress pants and shoes?" he replied..."This is how I roll now." I laughed, not unusal for him to say that, not unusal for him to dress up, but not for school.  It stuck with me and I wonder....did he know something in a way???

I have so many pictures of us traveling and just everyday and all his friends are camera nuts....thank God.... and when they find a new picture they just found it's like seeing him again.

I'm going through some frustrating stuff legally right now...can't talk about it because Big Brother is Watching and I will explain to my friends at BI and that we come here for support, to talk, to ask questions and to know that we have a safe place to feel un-exposed to the outside world and we know what each of us is feeling....

It does feel like the time just was taken away in a split second, all those years just gone.  It's a strange feeling nobody but us understand.

We will see them again and as we get through this day as I say....another day behind us brings us one more day closer to seeing our loved ones again!!!!!!!!!!

((HUGS))

mamabets

claudia

trish

all......katant

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Sorry to hear you are going thru the legal stuff.  Be well aware, nothing is sacred on WWW.  If the opposition see something they think will undermine you physically, mentally or emotionally regardless of the relevance they will not hesitate in using it to further their adgenda.

There was a dispute about whether I was working at the time the call for Mike came in.  It came to a head in April with the court awarding me my lost wages and medical.  In an attempt to undermine me Mikes Memorial site was 'violated'. Guestbook entries from me and my kids were downloaded and read in court.  Supposed to highlight my grief.......DUHHHH!!  Even a visit to BI was made to see what they could find here.......So be mindful what you put on ANY SITE. 

I am so pleased to hear the job is going great.  Opportunity knocked and I am sure Ant was behind the door....guiding and watching over his mum.  Take Care.....Trudi

 

[bearsmom]

Such a beautiful girl.   You know, coming back to BI, I am reminded how we are all sharing in the worst kind of pain; the loss of a child.  They are all so beautiful and had a life of promise in store.  That seems to be the hardest thing to accept; the loss of a life full of hopes and dreams; of a life full of milestones.    Kristy sounds alot like my Steven.  He was so active and had many friends in different circles.   He was easy to fit into any situation and was very accepting.  It hurts to think that they are gone.  I have a little prayer printed out at my desk that reads..." Lord God, this is so hard. Please keep me from falling. Amen"  I hope that this will help you as it has helped me.  It's been almost 5 months since we lost Steven.  I have 2 sons who are 16 and 18 and they are dealing with things the best they can.  We've found it helpful to be open to the support of our friends and family. I hope you will let the Softball families help you and support you in your grief.  They loved your daughter as well and they are hurting too.  I am so sorry for your loss. I hope our kids are keeping busy in Heaven and that there are softball fields, football fields and beaches to run on in Heaven. 

Susy

[lovekristy4ever]

I had a bad day today.  I thought I could handle going to the bank.  One of my best friends works there (thank goodness!) so I just cried in her office while I closed out Kristy's checking and savings account.  It was awful!  I couldn't touch her savings bonds.  That was to help with college and I just couldn't bear it to cash them out today. 

The good note was that the community has already donated over $4,000 to a "Kristy Fund" through the bank.  There is another fund through the school that is going directly for softball equipment.  It is a typical high school - not enough money for any extras for the less popular sports.  I'm not sure how much they raised but I hope it gets the girls new uniforms and equipment at least.  This community support also makes me cry whenever I hear how nice people are.   There are even some businesses with coin jars for her fund.  It all is so nice but it tears me apart.   Any suggestions or ideas on how to use the fund that would honor Kristy?  It will be awhile but I want to do something for the teenagers in the community in her honor.

As always, thanks for the wonderful support and advice.

Terry