Members momofjon Posted October 1, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Hi Lana,I'm so sorry about the loss of your son.Yes, it does get easier. You will be able to go out shopping and answer questions in awhile. It will never be the same but it will get better.And Claudia is so right, if people make you feel like you should be better it is because they're afraid of our pain...they are so overwhelmed and horrified at the thought of this that they just don't really know what to say. It's just too horrible for them to contemplate and they hide it as a form of self-protection, really. To acknowledge it would be to acknowledge that it could happen to them, so they dismiss it, in a way, but believe me, they surely know, in their hearts, that you are suffering.You don't need to pretend it's OK...they know it's not. And it will get easier.dee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 1, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 MomofJon, I was reading back and came again to your post about the teddy bear. I wanted to share something I do... I have a raspberry lip balm that I brought home after Joey's memorial. I remember buying it for him during our very last shopping trip together, and he had been using it. It was on his dresser. I have it now tucked in a box along with a few precious momentos, and every now and then when I feel like I just need to send a kiss to him to heaven, I put on some of the lip balm. I know it probably sounds weird. But his lips touched it regularly, and I just feel like by putting some on, it's like I get to kiss my baby boy... On his birthday this year I sat alone and blew soap bubbles into the sky, wishing that I could float on one to where he is... We do what we do to feel closer to them because our hearts remain connected. Even though we cannot tangibly see them, we are still connected and always will be. I hope your bear has brought you comfort... Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members momofjon Posted October 1, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 It's so strange...you would think it would be a photo, wouldn't you Claudia?Yet we pick these odd momentos to keep the connection. I had actually bought that bear for my middle son when he was having so much difficulty with the loss. Yet for some reason, I got this attachment to it and once I made that connection to Jon, it became my own secret connection.It just amazes me how we all share so many things.dee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 1, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Yes, Dee, it does seem like it would or should be a photo. But I think that when we first received that photo, we received it as a moment of memory. In this case we need a lifetime of memory to hold onto..something even more real than a photo...So often we speak of the journey of grief as if the journey is the actual focus. But I am learning that the actual focus is "who we are becoming" on that journey. It's the difference between the moments of a photograph (the loss and grief as a snapshot), and the lifetime of a motion picture (our lives in motion beyond that loss); where from the motion picture photos are taken, but there's always more to a life in motion beyond those pictures than I ever realized could exist or be possible. Life is constantly moving, constantly growing, and in that growing is where we find the comfort, the peace and the healing. We share the journey of grief, but what amazes me even more is how we share the journey of healing... Those who suggest to us in those early months and years that we should be moving on, if only they knew what that "moving on" entails... I am amazed not so much by the circumstances of our journey, although it is so overwhelming, the numbers of loss in our young people. I am most amazed by how even though we feel like we are not in motion and life freezes for us, we do continue to move forward, even if one breath at a time. Where I thought my life once had ended, (and in a sense it did in the respect of life as I knew it), my life also began in a different shape. And it is the life beyond the loss where I am inspired. The fact that we are here, and not just surviving but growing... through our bears and our lip balms and all of the ways we channel our love for our kids... it is our journey beyond the loss... Blessings and Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Guest Posted October 1, 2007 Guests Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Hello to everyone who reads this. I lost my 18 year old daughter tragically in a car accident almost 1 and 1/2 years ago and find myself more lost than ever. My sadness and grieving took over my whole being and I tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago. I regret what I did, but I felt that there is nothing out there for me. I have put up a front for so long, I have no idea of who I am anymore. I still can't believe what has happened to me, my life, my being, my soul and life. I am seeking therapy and am on medication, but isn't this just another front? Shouldn't I be feeling even just a little bit better by now. I don't feel any better, the pain is so in my face, hitting me in waves so bad that all I can do is cry for hours and hours, it's like my heart is being stabbed constantly. I know that it is different for everyone, but I can't stop how I feel and think of how much she meant to me. I never realized how important she was to me until I lost her forever. I took so many things for granted and now am beating myself up all of the time. I hate the fact that every day, thoughts of her accident race through my mind daily, she was alone, I wasn't there to help her not that I could have, but my baby died alone.I should have told her that I loved her more often than I did. Why, Why Why???I need someone to help me, someone that is in my shoes, because I need someone that knows and understands the pain and sorrow that is there everyday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 1, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Dear Guest, I'm so sorry for your despairing pain and the loss of your daughter. It's a pain and sorrow that is with all of us every day. But it's so scary when we are in such a dark place to do something like try to take our own life--I'm so sorry that it has come to that for you. I hope and pray that by hanging out here with us, people who have experienced such great loss, that in time you can begin to identify and open up to something worth living for.I think many if not most of us go through feelings of guilt. The should-have, would-have, could-have's. I know I did. My baby died alone too. It was awful. And I found that when my focus was on his actual death and the way he died, I couldn't breathe it hurt so bad. My son was out one night with some people that left him to walk home in the dark country along some railroad tracks. Alcohol was involved, and my son passed out while sitting for a rest, so it seems. A train ran over him. That's an image too horrible for me to even dwell on, because even now it takes the breath right out of me. I beat myself up. And then I was angry at the people that abandoned him. And then I was mad at God. I went through so much turmoil until I finally had to let go of it or it would have consumed me too. But that's easier said than done, I know. Coming here helped me. My faith, my God truly has been my rock and my shield. Lately I've been hearing a lot lately in various sermons and devotionals that i receive--probably because I am hypersensitive to much that affects my thinking and my emotions these days--that it's much easier to not let our circumstances rule us when our focus is on something greater than we are. I had to train myself to not be wrapped up in myself, MY thoughts, MY feelings and emotions, MY life, MY loss, etc. That wasn't easy either. But after a while of coming here to BI and visiting with other moms in pain, a miracle happened for me. While it's devastatingly painful and overwhelming sometimes to see so many suffering in such great pain, I am now able to see the pain of others above my own. I am able to reach out and give empathy, compassion, and loving kindness. And in that I have found a path to healing as well.Please come and visit here and express yourself. there are so many loving and caring people here that know your pain. We are all in different phases of our grief journey, but we have not nor will ever forget any single moment of what our journey has been and where it is taking us. Every one of us can relate in some way. And I pray you are able to find a connection here as to at least know you are not alone in your grief and suffering. We are all here for one another, and you will find a number of friends. Most of us here have found whispers of HOPE along the way as well. I wish there were magic words to take the deepest of grief away. But please just know how much love and support is here for you. BIG HUGS to you... -Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jjrmom Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Dear Guest,Some days are a lot harder than others but hang in there. My son came to me in a dream and said there is a purpose for everything and that he is happy and he was smiling. He said he didn't know why he first died but now he does and that it is not my time to go. That I would experience more hardship and more lost but I would be ok. That I needed to get spiritual healing to help me through this hard time. I have lost my faith when he died but I want to be able to see again so I am going to try to believe in something. I think we guilty of what we could or should have said. Our children knew we loved them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 jjrmom is so right! Our children knew and they know even now how very much we love tham and how much they have been and always will be a part of us. So many times we don't say our feelings out loud as they come to us. But there is an unspoken love between a mother and child that both mother and child know and carry in their hearts and souls. It's the nature of motherhood. They know from conception and they know for all eternity.Guilt is a terrible trap to get snared in. While it is a natural part of the grieving process, if we let ourselves become stuck there, it can play all kinds of tricks on our hearts and minds. It can hold us in such darkness and pain. And I think survivor's guilt is the worst. It comes upon us because losing a child is such an unnatural order of how life should cycle. One of the many things that has helped me to get through that part of my grief has been to focus on honoring Joey and his life more than allowing the actual circumstances of his death to be the stronghold. While it will always pain me to think about those circumstances, Joey's death is only one moment in time. There were so many beautiful moments in his life, and there is so much beauty in the fact that he does live now. He is just living somewhere else until we meet up again. His death in the flesh was momentary, and necessary for him to enter his eternal life, where he will never hurt or be sad, or have trials and pain ever again. He is in his perfect state of life forever. And I too will be one day. But while I am still here, I want to let the world remember that he was here. I want to extend his leagacy and his life here through mine. That is no longer possible after I leave this life. And I want the world to remember! It isn't easy going on and missing him so much. But I am finding strength in the journey, and I pray we all can in time. HUGS, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 2sad4words Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 I signed in as Guest last night so now I see that my online name is one here today.I would like to personally thank all of you for your words of wisdom. My heart goes out to all of you for you do know how I am feeling. I want to celebrate my daughters life, but I feel as though I have been ripped off again for you see my parents and two of my sisters were killed is a car accident and taken away from me when I was five, I have lived 44 years of my life battling that sadness, and now, I have totally lost the me that I used to be in this thing called life. I try to do my best, but I find that I don't have the energy or motivation anymore. So what on earth is the point of it all. I know that I am and sound very negative in my ways of thinking, more now so than ever in my life, but what else am I supposed to feel??? God has taken away everything in my life, so I can tell ya that that route is so not for me, but I can appreciate how you all feel about that topic, so please save yourself the time and trouble of not being preachy to me because it will never work. What is my next step, why don't I feel any better? I don't want to be a bitter woman, but I don't see my life to be any different because I have a lot to offer, and was looking forward to the day that we could hang out and have adult conversation, you know, stuff like that. What am I to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members angelzone Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 2sad4wordsFor me there are two websites that have proved to be most helpful in trying to understand why things happen the way they do. Once I became more open to other options I was able to find some meaning and hopefully will be faithful to what it is that I need to do in this life.www.fst.orgwww.georgeanderson.comTake care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members binky20 Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Dear 4everjoeysmom,Do you not believe we live in a fallen world_ where there is a real enemy_ Satan_ who as God's Word says, (seeks) comes to kill, steal and destroy??That was one (of many) questions we ask God_ Was this your Will for Colby\'s life? He was the innocent victim in a car with a boy that was speeding (so because of his unlawfulness/sin) there was a car wreck...I Know God is the Giver of Life and the Taker of Life Only but we Believe the devil would have liked to get the victory in the death of Colby but THANK GOD!! GOD RECEIVED AND IS STILL RECEIVING ALL THE GLORY FOR THE LIGHT THAT SHINED THROUGH COLBY\'S LIFE!!!Forever Colby\'s MOM!!! MichelleAnyone who would like to write more personally and in depth via e-mail, I certainly invote you to call on me at clab2010@yahoo.comMomofJon, When tragedy such as losing a child befalls us, it has absolutely nothing to do with how good or not good a parent we have been--unless one takes their child\'s life by their own hand, and that\'s an entirely different sickness. One of the traps of grief is guilt. We wrestle with it because deep down we tell ourselves there must have been something we could have done to prevent it. I am a firm believer of our lives are for a period of time already predetermined. It is so random. But when it\'s our time, it\'s just our time. I have a lot to say around that issue, and am happy to share more of my Christina faith in a sovereign God and His plan. I blamed Him for a while, after my personal guilt subsided, but found no relief in that either. I am by vocation a missionary working in South America. So, my faith is important to me and the core of who I am, and also the catalyst for my healing and understanding of deeper things that have come to enlighten me along my grief journey. I always say to moms who feel guilt and low worth after losing a child that if a missionary is not immune to such loss and pain, how can anyone be? It is not a burden you should carry. The pain and lifetime grief is burdensome enough without those feelings of \'bad mom\', etc.LoveyouJustin, It is a very lonely grief. Isn\'t it? Everyone has to process it in their own ways, and nothing seems to ease the isolation and feelings of being so alone. Coming here and posting has helped me in that regard, because others here can truly identlfy and I with them. But I\'ve also had wonderful shared and inspirational e-mail correspondence with many moms along my journey, and that has deeply helped me as well. Please do write to me if you would like to.Thanks to those who have vistied Joey\'s memorial web site. I always hope and pray that it can be a healing inspiration for others, and I am grateful there is such a thing as virtual memorials. My family and Joey\'s friends have been comforted as well to have a place to go and visit Joey when they feel like they just want to say hi or share what\'s on their hearts. It\'s been a huge blessing to us all.Many hugs and much love to all of us hurting and missing our children, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Dear binky20, Yes, I do believe we live in a fallen world. I do believe in the enemy. But I don't give the enemy more credit than he is due. I do believe God is the giver of all good things. And I do believe He is in control, sovereign. Nothing happens that does not first get sifted through His hands. I guess in a sense I have an understanding that life is ordianed from birth to its end here. Just as God knows the numbers of hairs on our head, so does He know the number of days in our lives. Whether its by a car accident, a train--as in my Joey's case, or what have you, I don;t believe there is anything we can do to reroute the time that is ordained in ones life. I don't believe God takes away to hurt us. I do believe it's random, and there is nothing bad we've done to cause our loved ones to die. No punishment. That would just be too cruel. Living in a fallen world does account for much of the pain and suffering, much of the seeming senselessness of loss like this. But on the flip side I believe in a beautiful and perfect heaven. And if I had my preference, I would rather be there than here. Just as Paul said, to live is Christ, to die is Gain. So, since I do still have purpose here, much yet to discover, I live here in Christ, seeking His will for me. I have truly come to know intimately that my choice in seeking Him through my loss has brought me greater peace and even joy in being here in this life, in this world. It is not for me that I live, but for Him. That makes all the difference for me. I focus on Him who is greater than I am, greater than my pain, greater than anything. And in that, I am finding my comfort and my peace. Truly when this life is over, I know so much that I cannot possibly understand now will make sense. And the bonus besides everlasting life with Christ, is my everlasting fellowship with my son. In that I truly find comfort. It seems so long until then, but I know in the grand scheme of things it is very short.I never want to come off as "preachy" to anyone, truly. I do share my life and my survival of loss, and my way of coping, and that means also sharing the foundation--the core of who I am, so that must include my faith. I know some are uncomfortable with that, and that's ok. Choosing from posts of people for what works and leaving what doesn;t is the best way to receive information here. Some of us are strong Christian believers. Others are not, and that's entirely a personal life choice. I would never puch that on anyone. That said, I do also share much of my walk in this grief journey, my personal hardships, my feelings, my thoughts, sentiments, and so forth. It helps me and it has helped others. And honestly my stregth and healing has been insurmountable when I've learned that someone, even if just one person, has been touched deeply and helped by something I've shared.2sad4words, you have had more loss and pain in one lifetime than most of us can conceive. I am so very sorry for all of this tragedy and loss that has ripped your world apart. It is NOT fair. And oh my heart aches for you, for the place you are in right now. I can see clearly why you would feel there is nothing good about being here for all the suffering you've been through. But there must be something here...a purpose for you. There must be! The journey to discovering that purpose could be entwined in this grief journey, and in time maybe it will stretch beyond. It's hard not to be engulfed in our pain--so hard. I have no words of wisdom for that...just HOPE. I hope for all of us to find purpose, even if it's a little tiny step at a time. Something we say or do, and how that makes a difference, how that affects someone else's life for betterment, for healing (theirs and ours), anything that tells us that not only are we mothers to children who have gone too soon, we are also women, strong women who reach out to other women and walk together, lifting one another up in hard times, standing in the gap when the crevace seems too huge to cross over... And a lot of times when the going is really tough, we're the ones waiting for a life preserver to be tossed to us. I find comfort in knowing there are women here willing to toss me a line, stand in the gap for me, lift me up, and walk alongside me, because they are not afraid of my pain. They know it too intimately to fear any longer. And I pray I can be a woman here to do that for others when I am having good days. I find purpose in being here. And from there I anticpate with HOPE that my purpose from here grows to become greater in the world. It's one step at a time... any more than that is just too overwhelming, especially when the hurt is so fresh. I do hope and pray in time you will find some good connections here, true friends, and perhaps a sense of purpose along the way that will find you wanting the next breath to come. It's so hard... I know. I swear personally that if I could carry some of your hurt, I would do that if it brought you some relief. I know not anything more that I could do or say, but please know that I genuinely mean that, and I truly care. Sending Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 2, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 CLAUDIA: If you could only truly know the depth of comfort that your words bring to me!2sad4words: I thought about how to reply to your post this afternoon, but after reading Claudia's post, I honestly don't think there can be any other words.Lana: I lost my beautiful son, Justin, to a single car accident on the evening of August 10, one day earlier than your tragic loss. He was 17 and ready to begin his senior year. He was a star football player, and being recruited by several colleges. The pain is unbearable. Some days are a little better than others, but then it seems the next day is a hundred times worse than the worst day. I find much needed strenth reading the words of other women who know our pain. The ONLY thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is my 14 year old son. He does not deserve to lose his mother too, although somedays I feel that my children may be better off without me because I just don't feel I will ever feel happiness in my heart again during their lives. Sometimes I ask Justin to "please come and get me." But my faith tells me that it is not up to him. Maybe fate (or our sons) brought us together, and they are together waiting for us. But one thing I know for sure, "Justin is always with Me."You are all in my thoughts.PS I too found Justin's lip balm, and I just kept licking it. I use it now too. Funny, the things we would do to have any tiny bit of them. But all of him will always live on inside my heart and soul-ALWAYS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 3, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I want to Thank each and everyone for your support and words of encouragement. It does help when you know other people who have experienced what you are going through. You wonder if life will ever get better. I am so glad that the Lord allowed me to have my son for 19 years. I know we are God's children and we are only on loan for a time. My life was so full and I gained so much from loving and being Brent's mother. It is hard at times when your other children age 24 and 19 ask are you having a good week or we just want you to have fun and be happy again. I know I have to put one foot in front of the other for my boys. I look forward to the day when the Lord calls me home and I will be reunited with my loving Brent. I know I will continue to have many days that are sad and wonder how I will get through the day. I know with only God's help I will make it another day. I am so glad for the support and prayers from all of you. We all know how much more full our lives were with the child we lost. I had a friend say to me when she lost a child you know your life was better with Brent in it and he would not want you to be sad but to celebrate his life. Your encouragement and sharing your lives and thoughts has made a difficult day more bearable. Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 3, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Lagrangel, Binky20, LoveyouJustin, and anyone else interested, I just started reading a book by Carol Kent called When I Lay My Issac Down. It's truning out to be a very good read. The author's son is a Christian, and her only child, a son, commited forst degree murder and is in prison. The book does account in a differant way the pain of loss. BUT... what has been really profound is learning about how most of us encouter an "Isaac Moment" in life--the unthinkable that brings such great grief and pain. She goes on to describe her days and months into that journey, and her faith along the way--Unshakeable Faith in Unthinkable Circumstances. When I first began my grief journey I felt frustrated that there just didn't seem to be enough out there to encourage me and help me in the way I needed it--faith based. But it's there I am finding. It's just not so heavily publicized like all of the afterlife and medium stuff, of which I have no interest. I'm more interested in how I proceed from an eternal outlook rather than how to get instant gratification from exploratory measures. I want comfort and encouragement from a godly perspective but not the too-good-to-be-true quick fixes. I used to tell Joey good things are worth waiting for and working toward as long term ivestments of our hearts into what matters most, and how ironic it would be now to not heed my own words of wisdom... Anyway, I just wanted to share that book title in case any of you want to check it out. It hasn't really surpised me yet with anything I didn't already know, but it is encouraging me greatly and affirming my walk in faith to be the greatest source of comfort and healing. Love & Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 3, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I meant to say the author is Christian... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members binky20 Posted October 3, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I wrote a long reply to 4everjoeysmom and I cannot find where it is posted??Help!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members binky20 Posted October 3, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dear 4everjoeysmom, I read this book about 2 yrs ago! Great book!! She has a second book out now (a friend at church has it and I cannot think of title_it also is good!!Lagrangel, Binky20, LoveyouJustin, and anyone else interested, I just started reading a book by Carol Kent called When I Lay My Issac Down. It's truning out to be a very good read. The author's son is a Christian, and her only child, a son, commited forst degree murder and is in prison. The book does account in a differant way the pain of loss. BUT... what has been really profound is learning about how most of us encouter an "Isaac Moment" in life--the unthinkable that brings such great grief and pain. She goes on to describe her days and months into that journey, and her faith along the way--Unshakeable Faith in Unthinkable Circumstances. When I first began my grief journey I felt frustrated that there just didn't seem to be enough out there to encourage me and help me in the way I needed it--faith based. But it's there I am finding. It's just not so heavily publicized like all of the afterlife and medium stuff, of which I have no interest. I'm more interested in how I proceed from an eternal outlook rather than how to get instant gratification from exploratory measures. I want comfort and encouragement from a godly perspective but not the too-good-to-be-true quick fixes. I used to tell Joey good things are worth waiting for and working toward as long term ivestments of our hearts into what matters most, and how ironic it would be now to not heed my own words of wisdom... Anyway, I just wanted to share that book title in case any of you want to check it out. It hasn't really surpised me yet with anything I didn't already know, but it is encouraging me greatly and affirming my walk in faith to be the greatest source of comfort and healing. Love & Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members binky20 Posted October 3, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I wrote a long reply to 4everjoeysmom and I cannot find where it is posted??Help!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 I am currently reading a book that is biblically centered. The book is Hope for the Brokenhearted by John Luke Terveen. I am only half through the book but he gives the reader so many promises of the scriptures.The author is a minister and lost his child at the age of 14. Some people may find it a difficult read because it is so biblically based but that is where our hopes, and comforts lie. I will check out the other book when I finish this one. Thanks Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 binky20, what this board does not explain, and most of us find out the hard way, is that we are logged in for only 30 minutes when we are idle or working on a post in a specific thread. It is best before clicking on the "post now" button to copy everything you've written, so that if the timeout occurs you can simply paste what you wrote and hit the post tab again. Another alternative is to write in your MS Word program and then copy and paste it when you are ready to post. Short posts never have an issue, unless someone else is posting at exactly the same time (I've found). It's just the long ones that borderline or surpass the timeout of the login. I hope that made sense... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members binky20 Posted October 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 Thank you 4everjoeysmom!! That is what happened I believe!!! and it was sooo good!! ha!!! I wanted to tell you that you are not to "preachy" at all..Then lots more after that...I will message another time when I have more time..God Bless you....You and all the messages are ministering to me...Colby's Mom Forever too!! binky20 (Michelle) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 Michelle, Sending HUGS and prayers your way... Love, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 5, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 To LoveyouJustin, I know the everyday pain can be so hard but with our faith we can go on. I know it is hard to put one foot in front of another but your Justin would want you to carry on. I know my son would be upset with me if he knew how some days I just cry to see him or hear his voice. He had always told me that if anything ever happens to me you should not be sad because I have gone to be with the Lord and I am in a better place. He had always said that from a small child. I have to call on God's help each any everyday. I just wanted to let you know I know your pain and how hard everyday is. Your 14 year old needs you and loves you and I don't think they fully understand how much you hurt but that truly is a good thing. Love to you and prayers, Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 5, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 2sad4words, I was thinking of you this morning and just wanted to post and say that you are on my heart and mind. I realize there are many things shared here among friends that don't coincide with what we feel, think or believe, abd that makes us feel kind of outcast when we can't find a point of connection. I am open to just sharing and talking about our children, our feelings, whatever we are going through, and I want to be a friend to everyone that needs one. So, please just know we're here for you. Some of the women that have been posting here over the past year or more aren;t posting as much right now. But I know they still read a lot of the posts here and jump in to give a much needed hug and some compassion. You are never alone in your grief journey, no matter how isolated and lonely you feel. Someon here understands and can relate, and can be here just to listen as you want to share. My hope is that you will keep coming and find that connection that will help you through the darkest hours. Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 6, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 Hi Lana, It helps so much to know that someone understands, but I am so lost. Justin had mentioned once after another boy had died in an accident that he was not afraid to get in an accident, because if you're meant to die, you're meant to die. And another time when he was going to work in the morning, I said to him, "you should get some sleep," he said to me, "I'll sleep when I die." Thinking about that, what 17 year old thinks like that? Do you think they know on a "soul level?" I sit and look at his picture, and I still cannot accept that he isn't coming home. I don't know how I can be a good mother to my 14 year old. Nothing will ever be the same without Justin, and I just don't think I will feel any happiness or joy for him or my daughter. I just don't have it in me. I pretend, but it's not real.I feel as though my life will be just a sad journey searching for the end, going through the motions. I think only all of you would know this, yet I feel so very alone.I know Justin is "always with Me," but is it enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 6, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 LoveYouJustin, Everything that you are feeling, all of the raw emotion, the fatigue, the lack of motivation, the fear of not being able to continue as a good mom for your surviving child, ALL OF IT is so not unusual. Please do not fear that how you feel today will be how you feel for always. Grief changes. You are so fresh into your grief. It has only been weeks for you. I think I said earlier, but you have barely had time to come out of the shock. Our hearts have so much to process. I remember my heart telling me for months, and even sometimes now it feels this way, that Joey went away on a long journey and I won;t see him for years. He is not dead. He is just away, and I don;t get to see him or talk to him. Like he packed up and just went off in the night. And all of that is true really. My heart isn't dreaming up a fiction to help me cope. But it's so surreal and I can't grasp anything tangible to make it less so. I know truly where Joey is, and as it brings me great comfort, I still hate that life has to continue for me and our family without him here. I will never grasp that concept and like it. I remember months and months of staying in my pajamas, showering only every 2-3 days, crying uncontrollably, unable to take full breaths without feeling like I would surely die too, not feeling motivtaed to do anything. And my emotions robbed me of so much, especially my intimacy with my husband. I am just now coming to a place where I can feel passion again. It's hard to come through those first months, that first year, and not let our emotions get the best of us. Our hearts and minds battle constantly. For me, I had God speaking to my heart, and the circumstances of my grief pounding into my head and overflowing into my heart. It was so awful feeling that way, so torn, so broken, so humbled... I felt that I wasn't anything that I thought I was. I wasn't strong, or confident, or together, or as strong in my faith as I had believed. I was changing, everything about my life as I knew it meant very little. The war in me was so dominant in everything about me. It took time for me, and lots of studying. I read a lot, and I looked into Scriptures so much. I had to know as much as possible about what God says about pain, suffering, death, eternal life--everything that now so vividly had to do with my life and my Joey. I was thankful that God was always helping me to discern what was godly and what was worldly in terms of what I set my focus on to help me find my way out of the depths of my despairing loss. I knew about all of the traps our minds can lead us into for instant comfort, and I knew that my heart was weak with pain and vulnerable. But I prayed a lot for God to have mercy and to help me PLEASE. I felt so lonely and like my grief was MINE and no one could understand or help me, not even God. I dodn't believe He couldn't help me. I just felt like He couldn't help me. There is a huge difference. I had to keep digging into the Word and into God's insights about what was happening to me, and what my true hope was for ever surviving this. I had to be persistent, yet it was hard to focus. I still today have to push myself to focus and be motivated for any stretch of time more than an hour. It gets so tiresome to feel unmotivated, and I know its a stronghold that I have to keep praying about, but it is difficult. One thing that kept coming to my heart was my surviving son Patrick and how he was feeling about losing his only sibling, his big brother. I realized I wasn't only carrying pain for me, but pain for him too. And it was then that I realized that no matter if it would have been Joey or Patrick, my heart would be at a loss. And so I had to try my best to communicate with Patrick openly so that he would understand that my feelings about losing Joey weren't unique to Joey. I would have been just as devastated to lose him. I didn't want him to think or feel that I loved Joey more. It was important to me that Patrick understand how much I love him. And in that, as I began to focus on Patrick, I began to realize a lot of things about motherhood. I still wanted to protect and comfort the one child I have here, even though he was hardly a baby at 23. I realized that not only will everything be different for me, but so much will be altered in his life now. I felt the importance of continuing to grow in loving my son and being his mom here, because he is here, and so am I. I realized in time that he hurt for my and my loss as a parent so much. That broke my heart to realize that my son was hurting for my pain. But in time and with a lot of focus on my surviving child, my heart kicked into gear again in my role as a mom, and it is growing ever so sweetly. Nothing ever will be the same, but it doesn't mean that it will always feel so despairing either. There will be moments we have yet to live that will make Joey's absence scream out loud at us. I guess we'll have to take those moments a step at a time. I wish I could say that having and growing in my faith will wipe away all the pain and will protect me from falling apart when those tough moments in life arrive, but it isn;t about that. I am still apt to crumble into a heap, and with the holidays coming and my first trip back to my hometown since Joey's memorial there last year, my first Christmas together with Patrick and with my folks, without Joey, ugh!! Yeah. There will be tears and moments where I will just need to reach out to the God who has held me so many times throughout this journey. I know I will need to reach for Him throughout my whole life, because I know the pain of this loss is too great for me to carry alone. I've had to learn how to offer my pain up to Him as a sacrifice of my heart, and that hasn't been easy, because it's MY pain. That has also been part of my journey, releasing what I've been gripping so tightly and giving it to God. I wish I could say that's easy, but it is probably the hardest thing I've had to ever do, relinquish my control--as if I ever truly had control in the first place. I've been reading a very good book that has been ministering to my broken heart. It's called When I Lay My Isaac Down. I would like to share this much of what the writer says about True Heart Sacrifice."As defined by the dictionary. a sacrifice is [an act of offering to a deity something precious...surrender of something for the sake of something else, something given up.]True heart sacrifices involve:* identifying something precious to us* letting go of our control over the situation, event, or the person as an act of worship* embracing God's love in the process of the release* resting in the outcome, even if in this lifetime we are not allowed to understand the reason behind the need for the sacrifice and the pain involvedA heart sacrifice is not a formula that can be mastered. It is a decision that is intrinsically tied to the personal relationship between us and our God. It is born out of a trust that is developed in spending time communicating with an Abba Father who loves us more then we love our Isaac."I have read by another author that our offering in worship can include offering up our pain, our sorrow, our brokenness, our despair, and He will take it from us. I remember once someone telling me, "You are so generous in your giving. But after you've given, you want to take it back. Not neccessarily in literally taking back what you've given, but having something back in return." It hurt me so much to hear that. It didn't hurt because it wasn't true. It hurt necause of the accuracy in that statement. That's how I felt with God too. Sure I could go through the motion of a scarifice, giving to Him verbally, in prayer whatever was on my heart. Nut then a mood would strike and I would 'take it back'. I realized that I was not sincere in what I offered up and gave away. I don't know why. I just couldn't give it away. So I am learning now that once I give something up, whether it be my ideals of having control over a situation, or whether it be my pain in a specific moment, I have to consciously make efforts not to take them back. I pray about that and ask for strength. It's so humbling to have to ask for help so often..daily and numerous times a day--sometimes all day. But that's been my key to healing.Today I do have joy again. It's a different joy. It's not the kind of joy I had before Joey died. My life is different now. But my joy comes from the other side of the circumstances that brought me here. If I dwell on the loss, the tragedy of Joey's death, the emotions of it all, that is when I sink into deep depression. I have to make efforts to not focus on those circumstances, although it's easier said than done. I have to fight those images and pray for images of Joey in heaven, laughing, singing, perfect, etc. In the beginning of making those efforts it was really hard work--a war inside of me. But today, after having gone through the excericises daily for my heart and mind, I have become more conditioned to thinking in the eternal rather than the worldly moment. It takes time and patience (something I am still learning), perseverance, and a willingness to let go... but it will get easier in time. The blunt force of the trauma and pain will lessen, and the edges of the knife that stabs at our heart will dull in time. I am learning though that I can't sit around and wait for that to happen. I have to want it. I have to reach for it. I have to work at it. And it is worth working for.So, today, as I finish for now, I am beginning to pray again for my daily dose of motivation, and the strength to help me to choose life, and all that implies. It still isn't easy, but at the same time my responses are changing to my circumstances, and in that I am seeing very real and tangible HOPE. It all comes down to how we choose to live or die in our circumstances... And with that I pray for us all. Love and Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fujismum Posted October 7, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 LoveYouJustin, my 17 year old son Jamie also seemed to have an unusually philosophical approach to life and death.How did our teenage sons get so wise? Jamie did have his own faith and was a committed Christian, but just weeks before he died in a car accident he told me that "Heaven's going to be brilliant mum" and I replied " but it's so hard for those left behind Jamie" .We'd been listening to Eric Claptons song tears in heaven on the car radio as we drove together, talking about Eric's loss of his young son. I often think that my goodness I was so right about that- it is SO very hard for us left behind,and I have to trust that Jamie is right too, that heaven really is brilliant. He was also so straight forward about signing his organ donar card when he got his drivers license, happy to tick for every organ to be used because he wouldn't need any of them in heaven.Sadly, the circumstances of his death made this impossible but I often wonder, did he have some kind of foreknowledge that he would die so young? Was God preparing his heart and ours? He also had so many talks with his girlfriend about death, even that afternoon before he died and she was able to tell us many things that helped us plan his funeral service and fulfil his wishes that even we were unaware of , like being buried and in a formal suit. Yet he was so full of life and laughter, not at all morbid, just so very aware of his own mortality in a way that teenagers rarely are.I think of you all with shared pain and concern as we all walk this dreadful pathway of grief,I'm in the UK and don't always understand the phrases you all use but I read and touch base with you all many times.Joeys mum, I don't post much these days but I visit the pages often,your words so often help me on my journey too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 7, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Fujismum, I am SO glad you posted. It is good to hear from you. I too think Joey had a "leading" or some kind of insight into leaving us early. I have mentioned it here before, but I had a feeling as well from the time he was about 15 that he would not be with us to old age. So sad, but in a way it has been a blessing. As I also said before, Joey did and said things to bless people far beyond wisdom expected of a young one his age. Those memories now bring great comfort to those who loved him and who had opportunities to have those talks. As painful as it is, how blessed we've been. Love & hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 7, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Claudia, I printed your post so that I can read it over and over. Today was a really bad day. For some reason I just kept thinking about future happenings without Justin, and I cannot accept it at all. So I go back to pretending that he is away, and will be coming home soon. How long can I keep doing that? The evening got even worse. My husband srarted drinking, and became increasingly agitated, with bursts of hysteria, punching a hole in the wall, and saying that he just wants to shoot himself in the head. He said that I just don't know what it feels like when "everyone says he has to be strong for the rest of his family, and then the next sentence is "how's Trish?" I told him that he does not have to be strong for us, and that people say all the wrong things, but I am the only one who knows his pain. Was that the right thing to say. I cannot help him much because I am in my own ocean of pain,and we really haven't spoken to each other in any depth since this happened. We just can't help each other, so I figured it's better just to stay away from each other. I have a much stronger faith than he, so bringing up God or heaven to him right now will only make him angrier. I do so much pretending on the outside, I think, and then when I feel that we will go on, I feel guilty because Justin is gone. I don't think I've accepted fully that he is really not with me until I seem him again on that glorious day when we can be together. The most special gift you give to me Claudia is that tiny bit of HOPE, that someday I will be in the same place you are, and I thank you.We are Catholic, by faith, not very "religious" to say. My children have made all of their sacraments etc., but to me I do feel that Jesus is our Saviour, and am seriously considering the Christian faith. Fugismum: Thank you, I only wish my husband would be open to talking on a site like this, it brings much needed bits of relief. Tomorrow I am making an appointment with a grief counselor for both of us. Justin never really spoke much about Jesus, he believed in him, I am sure of that. He did always have his own spiritual side. He always wore a cross, never took it off. It was never recovered at the accident site. The man who held my son in his last moments, which is a very tough thing for me, (it was on his property that Justin's car flipped) said he was ejected out of the passenger window, and that he was not wearing a cross. Hundreds of family and friends searched the property, even with a medal detector. A few of Justin's things were found, but not his beloved cross. Perhaps he took it with him? He even wore a cross as a young child, through his teenage years. He had a screensaver on his computer of a cross, with thorns, with Gods hands holding it and a beautiful dove at the bottom. I found a sketching that he drew similar to this in his sketchbook a couple of weeks ago. Justin's ex-girlfriend told me too, that they spoke about heaven often, and he always wondered what it would be like. I do think that on a soul level, we and our boys knew. I was obsessed with my Justin. I couldn't do enough for him. I love all three of my children dearly, but I just felt like I ALWAYS wanted to make him as happy as I could. There were very few times I found myself REALLY mad at him, like a typical mother of a teenage boy would be. Even my other children always noticed it. I forgot to mention that a few years ago, and I know this sounds absolutely crazy, it was, but Justin and a couple of his friends decided it would be "cool" to brand themselves. Guess what Justin has a very big scar of on his left arm, a cross. Well, thank you. I do feel a bit better. I hope that someday, I will be of any kind of encouragement as you all are to me. See Claudia, there's that ray of hope you've given me. Love to you all. Good Night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 7, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 I forgot to ask you Claudia, How do I view Joey's online Memorial. I would love to know more about him. Let me know. Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Loveyoujustin, I think the best thing that works for myself is just take one day at a time. Don't look down the road just get through each day. I know the pain is so intense and we wonder how we will continue. I do know my faith has brought me this far. I think you have a good idea about counseling for you and your husband. My husband and I have grown very close since losing Brent. We really rely on each other to talk through our grief. When he has a difficult time I talk with him and have postive things to say to him about God and Brent. When I have my bad times he is there to help me. I know your husband is in such terrible pain and society expects them to be strong. He hast lost his son and it has left a deep whole in his heart. Just as you are suffering so his he but he may be internalzing it all. Claudia, has given me hope for the future that the pain is not so intense. We will always have a whole in our heart and life will never be the same but as I told my husband would we want it to be the same after losing any of our children? We will just hold onto those wonderful memories of our beloved Brent and go on each and every day. I know the upcoming holidays will be difficult. We will be celebrating Brent's twin brothers birthday on December 11th. Will it be difficult oh.. how I fear that date but we will have to celebrate Brian's birthday because we love him and he has also lost his twin brother. We just have to carry on for our other children. I do feel younger children and adults do have a wonderful outlook on death. As we get older we are more fearful of leaving our loved ones and death seems to be a difficult thing to talk about. As our boys were younger I do beleive they have the faith of what we all should have. If I die I know where I will be in God's hands. As young men they don't have all the pressure about leaving their children, spouses and that may be why they could talk so freely about their belief in death. Brent had always said don't be sad when it is my time to die it is my time to go. He said if he ever died he knew he would be with the lord. He shared his faith with several of his college friends who did not believe in the lord. We are so glad to know his faith and beliefs which gives us comfort. I will continue to pray for you and your family and just take one day at a time. That is all we can do to get through another day of our life. I know life seems like it stands still and the hurt will never go away. Everyone around us is happy and we are in a darkness that cannot be described. Claudia gives us hope and I feel this is such a wonderful support that we both need at this time. Love you Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Claudia, Thank you for all your words and encouragement. Reading all your posts help me to know that things will get a little easier over time. I know life will always be diffrent from what we knew before but I do have hope that each day won't be so difficult. I told my husband maybe something positive will come from the loss of Brent that someday we might be able to share with others our grief and our faith in the lord. Thanks for sharing your life and hopes with us. Love Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Trish, Joey's memorial web site is at the following url http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/ You can copy it and paste the url into your browser and it should come up for you. Thanks for asking. It was painful but my joy to work on something for his friends and family to visit and remember...Lana & Trish, Both have you have touched me deeply in your responses. I simply share what God lays on my heart. He teaches me through my circumstances and it is a choice to be faithful in sharing the goodness that He brings out of the circumstances I endure. My hope is that everyone would find that same hope, in the way that is ordained for them to receive it--because I am not so bold or naiive to think that everything specifically that works for me will work for everyone else. God carries us through different seasons. BUT... I know he is good and faithful always, and I can count on him to bring me through whatever circumstance or season of trial I face in my life.Something that has been with me since your previous posts, I guess a burden on my heart for you, is how difficult it is to shake the images of the actual loss/death out of our minds and hearts when they come crashing in. It's so hard. For me it has been a process of reconditioning my mind to focus on a different image when the horror of the moment of my son's death comes crashing on me. It's a challenge that I am continually working on, but like Paul says in 2 Cor, take every thought captive to obey Christ. So in Step 1 for me is I begin to think I can either take my thought captive or my thought will captivate me. Phil 4:8 says think on what is good, true, pure, just, etc... So, my Step 2, I decided to find something very specific that I could concentrate on to replace or overcome a certain thought that I know has the potential to crush me--the image of my son being run over by that train. I knew if I left it to my own imagination to come up with a thought at any given time, my mind would run wild, and I didn't have enough strength in my own thinking to overcome. So (Step 3) I picked out the following Scripture verse that would become THE THOUGHT to replace the horrific thought.Rev 21:10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and showed me the holy city Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, Rev 21:11 having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. This verse is now in a small pewter frame, where it has been at my bedside since weeks after Joey's homegoing. It has become an integral part of my healing. It is my "replacement vision" when the horror of the moment Joey died tries to steal in and captivate me, to crush me and bring me to deep depression. It's so hard for me to fight my way out of depression when I go there. I hate the way it feels and what it does to me. I want to be able to focus on life and my family that is here, etc. I truly do, because in my heart of hearts I know Joey is well and good where he is. He's better than that actually, and it's exciting for him really. It's sad for me here without him, but it must be so cool for him. He isn't missing out on the dreams and plans I shared with him for his life here. He is so way beyond even considering those things now. He is in the ultimate!! Nothing in this world could be better than that. But it's hard for me to come to this line of thinking when I am in depression and despair. So I really have to work hard to exercise and train my thinking pattern when the most despairing thoughts creep in. It may or may not work for everyone, but it has been a MIRACLE for me. That step by step thought exercise has brought me out of the feelings of crushing weight and panic times too countless to recall now. Now when I think of headlights on a train, I immediately change my thought over to the Light of Jesus. When I think of Joey lying there alone and vulnerable--Me not with him, I think of his savior arriving on the scene. When I think of his last breath, I think of his first breath as he breathed new and everlasting life. And when I think of him dying, I think of the Lord "carrying him away"--no pain, no fear, just Joey in God's radiance, like a rare jewel... and i can actually see the beauty in that. I think because I can do this now with my thoughts, and because i truly can see beauty for ashes, God has given me a personal miracle. And I know he has one for all of us. It just takes time and some work on our part in seeking him to know and realize what that miracle is that is waiting.I'm sure sometimes what I write may be over the top and seem dreamy to some. But it goes back to broken dreams. My dreams were shattered. i still have other dreams for my surviving son. And I am thankful. But for the dreams I shared with Joey, I now have new dreams. I am thankful for those as well. It sparks new life in me. It carries Hope. In that is my miracle. I pray for yours to come as well... Much Love and Big Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members angelzone Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 I lost my son but I would never have the nerve to tell others what to think and quote scriptures to justify my position. Belief is simply that you hope something you believe in is true. You really have no idea. Maybe you are right and then again maybe you aren't. I wonder why it is so important for people to try and convince others that their belief system is right (and the only one that is true), which is implied in the posts. There are many buddhists, athiests, and others including myself that are feeling that this forum is being hijacked by the religious right, which isn't right at all.There are many people like me that are really turned off by the endless posts about things people no nothing about, but simply have faith in. However, whatever works for people is good... better than nothing, but there are many of us that are more open than many of the posts I have been reading as of late.For me, I used to believe in the tooth fairy but now I know better. I would hope that people are open enough to embrace all aspects of spirituality and not try and beat people over the head with their brand of religion.I think that faith is good but knowing is better.Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Dear Angelzone, point taken. What works for you in your journey? I'm open to hearing anyone's story as they journey toward comfort, peace, joy, and a way through the difficulties of grief. I'm not suggesting that people should think what I do or even believe what I do. I'm just sharing "my" journey, which has been very fruitful for me. There are some here that do care to hear it. Others don't, just as there are many posts on the web board that do nothing for me. I will not defend my posts or my faith here. I don't expect anyone should have to be forced into that kind of game on top of grief. I merely share of my heart, my life, my journey, and I move on through posts that I can relate to and move away from those that don't. Granted there have been a lot of faith-filled posts recently, mine not being the only ones. But I have found over time that even they come and go. It isn't always so religious-right, as you referred it to. Frankly I'm not religious, and I'm not right. I am humbly broken, trying to survive, and just traveling this life and grief like everyone else. There is lots to take and leave among most everyone's posts. There are posts all across these boards where others share their religions and cultural ways and how they have helped them survive the desparities of grief, and I so respect that. Anything that glimmers hope is worthy of being posted, because even if only 1 person finds comfort in that, It was worth it. Why would I want to abolish anything anyone says that may comfort someone else? Whether everyone agrees is not the real issue, is it? I truly am happy that anyone here has found a way to cope and get to a place where they can choose life over wanting to die. We each have something special to bring to the boards, and those that are touched by it and receive something they need, that's awesome. We gleen what we can that is helpful and of encouragement to us. Isn't that what it's all about? I don't think I've implied that my journey and the successes I've found is the only way. That would be sheer arrogance, and I don't play that. I admitted that my posts are rooted in my faith--but that is a huge part of my grief journey too. For those that haven't liked me or my posts I hope they can just pass over me gracefully and say yeah whatever instead of lining up to throw stones. As it stands there is only one Believers Board, and it's too general. Even it has been known to offend people that visit and say they believe in something other than what the board translates to someone elses posts. Go figure! I've tried other web sites and boards, and the same thing. Everyone has their opinions and beliefs. It's the way of the world. There will always be something that someone is offended by, which is unfortunate. But political correctness I could give 2 cents about when the real battle is learning to cope and survive a loss so horrendous that the petty arguments of religion and differences mean squat to me. I could choose to be offended by much of what I read or hear, but why waste good energy on that? It's a cross-cultural world, and I know what is relevant differs for everyone. I guess at that point we're all doomed, eh? Because not everyone can be happy all of the time when you have a melting pot of beliefs and a huge cauldron of pain and grief. Anyone else I've offended, please try and pass over me when you see my posts as my posts obviously were not meant for you. With SO MANY people publicly displaying our grief and our journey there has to be a reasonable amount of picking and choosing through what will be helpful and leaving what is not, because frankly not everything is helpful for me either.If anyone got the impression that I am forcing my views, please forgive me. I only want to bring encouragement and hope to this board. I know there are many who like my posts because you e-mail me. I'm glad they are helpful. There are a lot of times when I need to just read for a while, and I've received so much love and compassion here from all walks of life. I am truly grateful for that, and hope we all come through the other side of grief one day feeling fuller, richer and stronger--not because of what someone believed, but because we were loved along our journey and we didn't have to travel alone. Peace and Blessings to ALL, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sydneysmom Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 I love how you word things Claudia! You know, I've seen from the beginning of my journey that I don't have control over my life like I thought I did. I did everything in my power to protect Sydney, but I couldn't know what was going on inside her that day she left us. Anyway, I've realized that I don't have control over anything in this life except my response to what happens. So changing my perspective has gotten me through the intense times of depression. For us, that is replacing the horrible images with what we believe is truth. That's what makes it faith - Believing. And that is a beautiful image of Heaven to replace any loss of life (as we know it).I remember a few weeks after Sydney left, seeing a beautiful picture of her at the Dallas Arboretum among the tulips. She was so vibrant. I started to weep at the thought that this beautiful life was cut so short, but then I heard a gentle voice say "She is more vibrant and alive than you've ever seen her." That alone brings joy to me. She has not lost life at all!In Claudia's defense, I would just like to say that I also often wonder "how can I help others that are feeling such intense pain as I have unfortunately become familiar with?" Apart from my faith, there is no relief from this pain. She shares what works for her, and what she believes as truth only to offer some hope and greater sense of purpose. I personally would not see any reason for going on if I didn't have God in my life. We who are Christians are not trying to "win" anyone over for the sake of being right. There is a peace and hope that cannot be explained or understood and we don't want to keep it to ourselves! Love to all! - Angela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 8, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Very well said, Claudia. I am in the earliest stages of this horrifying journey, and never once have I felt any thing or feeling being pushed upon me. And I am not Christian. Like I've mentioned earlier, I have found HOPE from Claudia's posts, as I am sure many others have. I have a long way to go, but I am so ever grateful to have found somebody who can touch my saddened, broken heart, and set me on the path towards healing, even if it is one tiny, single step at a time. I do believe my Justin is "always with me," and is happy and at peace, in paradise. Love to you all who are on this journey with me. Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members marksmomforever Posted October 9, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Hi to Everyone,I am sorry to see so many new people registered, I am glad though that so many people were able to find this site, I can say for myself it was a lifesaver. Hope to read somemore tomorrow and maybe I can reconnect with some of you from before and make some new connections with some of the newcommers.take care, Roxy (marksmomforever) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 9, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 (((((HUGS))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 9, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 KATANT, I was just sitting here and thinking of you, and so I decided to hop online and let you know. I know October has arrived, and your court battles will be beginning soon. How are you holding up? I can imagine this sense of dread for the upheaval of pain that will be involved, but then also this hope of justice to prevail and anticipation of just getting on with it so you can get this part behind you. What a mixed bag of emotions, heh? I hope you've been able to do something kind to pamper yourself and find a little R&R in the midst of all the emotions that swell around at times. I just wanted you to know that your absence here on the board is felt, and you are being held close in thoughts and prayers. Love & Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 9, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Claudia, Joey's memorial is beautiful. I can certainly see how wonderful he is, and I am happy to have the opportunity to know of him.Today I took a long shower, actually shaved my legs, and tweezed my eyebrows a little bit! My first reaction afterwards though was some sort of guilt. Like what does it really matter what I look or feel like. Sometimes I truly feel as though I am going crazy. Sometimes I just completely block Justin out of my mind, and then mostly ALL of the time, I just don't stop thinking about him. I am consumed with him. Little things today were hard. I cried all the way to school when I drove my younger son in this morning. (His name is Ryan, he is 14, and a freshmen in high school.) He is also a star football player, like Justin. Tomorrow he has a game. I force myself to go, with my husband, and usually my sister, or brother-in-law, and I sit on the opponents side, in-cognito. I only do it for Ryan's sake. Tomorrow will be a tough one, as it is the two-month mark of Justin leaving us. I found Justin's savings account passbook, and it really set me off. I just couldn't stop thinking about how he saved most of his money since he was ten years old. He wanted to buy a new car. We always told him we would match what he saved. My husband got a new car, so Justin used his ForeRunner. Justin was happy because he didn't need his money for a car. My husband told Justin when he signed his contract for college football, (he was being heavily recruited by many colleges) that he would be him a brand new car. I keep going through the "if onlys". Well, sorry to go on and on, it just really helps to talk to anyone who knows my pain. I have very dear friends, and I would be lost without my sister, but posting on here feels different, because I know you all feel my pain, and nothing I say will be judged, or make you worry, and I won't be told what to do with my feelings. Thank you. Love to you all. Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Trish, don't feel alone Brent will be gone 2 months on the 11th and really having a difficult time yesterday. I feel the same way. We went to the store yesterday and I don't want to see anyone or talk to them. We usually go out of town so we don't have to deal with anyone. I have even put my freinds on hold for such a long time. I used to love to get together with them and do trips and etc. it is hard for me to pick up the phone and talk to them. I still love them and their friendship but it is so hard, everything. I go to work and may cry on the way to school and will cry on the way home from school because I have those free moments that I am not doing anything but thinking of Brent. Trish you will be in my thoughts today. Love Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Hi Trish, I so know where you are right now. When you described how you felt after your shower and a little time grooming, yeah. At my 2 month mark I began to feel the numbness fading to a degree. I was consumed too with almost every moment thinking about Joey. I couldn't push him out of my mind. I actually wanted to be consumed, I think. What was different for me was that I live in another country, and I had very little time to set thing in order, go through everything Joey had and distribute it, close all of his financial affairs with banks, student loans, etc, and have everything done to go back to where my husband and I live and work. We were in the States for 15 days total--not much time. I haven't been back since, and that was July/August of last year, so I have a lot of things I'm sure that will smack me hard when I go back next month for the first time since. (I'll be posting here reaching out to you...) Through those many months after, the What-if's were so heavy on my heart. I know lots of that time my mind was ablaze with so many emotions that blasted into each day, and sometimes moment by moment would find me angry, or crushed, or unable to speak, and everything in between. I admire you for picking yourself up and going to do things for Ryan's sake, like going to watch him play football. That takes a lot of courage and strength, because I know your heart must play reruns like mad when you are engaging in something that you also did with Justin. I can relate to your wanting to sit incognito. I didn't really want to face anyone. I went out on several ministry projects with my husband, and I was able to minister a lot in very fruitful ways, but it was almost like I would have to put on a super hero cape or something and slip out of Claudia's skin for a while just to get myself out of the door to our apartment--kind of numb, kind of like a double life. I wasn't ready for the outside world to infiltrate my heart and my mind. I would fall apart at home yet give of myself warmly and of love in my work. It was all I could do--just go with it. And the tears fell like mad during Christmas. We were working with a team of people over a week's time feeding kids and elderly at various orphanages, churches, community centers and stuff. And I was deeply touched by the work being done, and by the faces of so many hungry poor with smiles on their faces and food in their bellies, but at the same time I was dying with sorrow because I wanted more than anything to talk to Joey, to see him. I actually cried through the whole week of feeding now that I think about it. And even people I worked alongside didn;t know what to say. We just kept going. I guess my point is that it doesn't matter what we are doing, how distracted we are, or even how physically near or far from our homes and familiar surroundings, the pain is a process we can't escape and we all go through it. Guilt does come, but hopefully it won't stick around, because there really is nothing worthy of guilt. We lived, loved and laughed with our boys. They were happy. They were full of life and passion. Joey was coming into everything I ever wanted for him as he was growing up--everything we dreamed abou together. I am so sad it couldn't continue on, but I am thanful he was happy and not miserable in his life. I think our guilt is survivor's guilt to a degree. But I truly believe they would want us to go on living and with as much passion and love as they had if we can muster it. I can tell you, as I've shared before, that over time I've been able to "recover" some. My thoughts of Joey as I was having them in those early months don't consume me like they were. I think of him so often. But like last night, I called my puppy Jo-Jo Joey when I was trying to get his attention, and my husband and I both stopped in our tracks and laughed. I couldn't do that at 2 months, but I can do that now at 14+ months. Joey had a typical ornery streak and my puppy has it too. So I laugh a lot when I call him a buster, and sometimes even add--"just like joey!" It feels good to be able to do that now. And I too lost my desire to look and feel good for a time, maybe because of guilt, and maybe because the grief was so overwhelming that I could feel much else. I actually stopped coloring my hair, and now I've just let the gray fly. Not sure yet if I'll leave it that way or not. And in the past couple of months my passion for life, my husband, and so much of the every day has been returning. I know it's been said time and time again, but truly in time the grief changes. I know without a doubt that I am going to face some tough roads ahead, probably throughout my whole lifetime. But I have hope that as time goes on I will feel the intensity of my loss in those moments, but it won't be so consuming ever again as it was in those first hours, days, months, and so on. But while we are in the early stages and being consumed, it does help to feel understood and not alone. I too felt like my only release that brought understanding and comfort was through coming and posting on BI. And it has been a lifeline to a degree. I am thankful for that support and tenderness. I don't know how I would have gotten through without it. I'm glad you have a support system in your friends and sister. Cherish that. I was so far away from anything familiar through that time, my husband was the only one I could truly talk to. And he was so on a different page of relating, it was so hard suffering through it so alone. Of course I had strength in my faith getting me through, but I had BI too. And being able to come here, share, read, hear from others... It helped so much. Sometimes I read posts and thought, God, I don't want to be that way. Other posts I read and thought, yeah, there is hope for me. And the support was endless in people that would respond with something insightful or hopeful. So, please do keep coming and posting, reading, weeping with us, hoping, and being through all the stages of your grief. We can't escape the things we must go through in our grief journey, but we can certainly feel encouraged and hugged along the way. Sending love and BIG HUGS, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Trish, you have been in my thoughts today. I know we never know when our pain will come creeping out at unexpected times. I know for me when I am not constantly working at school or going somewhere my mind always start thinking of Brent. It is understandable that we don't want to deal with alot of people during this terrible time in our life. I think it is great that you go to your sons football games. I know it takes alot of effort and energy he will be greatful for your support. I wonder why we are left here to carry on when the hurt is so deep? I hope the pain gets easier. My husband said this weekend he thought it would get a little easier but sometimes he feels like we are back to the first days of our sons death. Claudia, I also saw your wonderful website of your son. It was so wonderful and seemed like a wonderful man. When I get more able mentally I would like to do something for Brent's memories. Right now it is difficult for me to see or look at alot of his pictures and even spend time in his room. We are trying to redo his room but it just has came to a stand still. I told my husband I have saved so many things of Brent's but I just can't go through it now without crying during the whole time looking at his belongings. I look forward to the day when I can look and treaure his belongings. Please say lots of prayers for me on Thursday that is the 2 month mark. I will need all I can get. Love to all, Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 10, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Thank you Lana and Claudia. Well I almost did it. It's 10:42 pm, so I have a little bit to go. My day was full, (after I was made to get out of bed at 11:00 am by my sister.) Justin had many, many friends. They came to the cemetary, they came to Ryan's game, and they came to my house this evening. The kids made such a beautiful memorial at the accident site. They raised money by selling Shirts, hats, window decals, etc. with Justin's picture, and a beautiful poem on them. They ordered a large cement cross with the Lord's Prayer on it, and a beautiful bench with the poem, "when tomorrow starts without me," and Justin's name and dates of his life on earth, and a beautiful plaque with his picture on it. I see the site when I drive home from the high school, (the accident happened only 50 yards or so from the exit of the high school, he was on his way home from football workouts, and only 1 mile from our home, ) but I haven't had the courage to actually stop my car and get out yet. I cannot and will not do anything with Justin's room for a long time, if ever. I think I mentioned that I come in his room each night and use his computer. I set a beautiful picture of him on his desk that my sister took of him only 5 days before he left us. I just look at that picture and cannot accept the fact that he won't be coming home. It makes me sick inside. I still have not gone through the hundreds of cards from the services and since, yet. It's so overwhelming for me. Perhaps someday. Our entire community, and other communities surounding us have been unbelievable. I only hope Justin can see how many lives he has touched. It's awsome.Lana: Fill your day tomorrow with reminders and friends of Brent's if you can. I too have had a hard time with my dear friends, but when Justin's friends come it makes me feel so good. I just don't want anyone to ever forget him. Sometime I'll tell you about the things they are doing in Justin's memory. I wish you love tomorrow, and the way I look at it is that every day leads us one day closer to being with our beautiful sons again. Even though they are "always with Us" in our hearts and souls.Claudia: YOu amaze me in your words, in your work, and in your wisdom. Love you too. Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lagrangel Posted October 11, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Trish, I am glad that your day was so full and the wonderful people and your sons friends were able to share the day with you. My son was actually away at college and all his friends are still at college with his brother. They were for once getting close as siblings and were going to share their apartment together this fall. Brent had already moved in May and Brian was going to move in August. They never got to room together. Brian took his brothers bedroom suit since it was already there and his room at home has been sitting empty since May and I was in the process of fixing it up for Brent when he would come home to visit but it is still empty at this time. I am not able to go through his pictures or cards it just hurts to much. I worry about my son Brian because he is in college and living in the aprartment that they were to share. We asked if he wanted to move after Brent's death and he said he would be okay. Brent had so many wonderful friends come from his college at his funeral. I am glad that your sister is there to help you through this time. It does help to have loving family around. My parents have been a big help to me. They both were in so much pain because they were so very close to Brent. I feel if I fall apart in front of them it is okay. There are days when I will sit in my office at school with noone around and just cry and then I have to pull it all together when I have students come in. I feel like I am putting on this big front and everything in life is great. Which we know this is not true. Claudia, I always enjoy your posts that I can see there is hope at sometime in our grief. You are a very inspiring woman. Love to you both, Lana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members binky20 Posted October 11, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Dear Claudia & Angela,I could not Agree more than with what both you moms have written. I AM JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE DAY BY DAY AND NOT ONLY SURVIVE BUT WITH VICTORY THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!!! Our Faith has been the only saving grace for us.Colby was our only son, the love & joy of our lives! If God did not carry us every single second of the day, we would not make it...It is not in ourselves.I came to this site to be encouarged!! and I for one have received it...Thanks to all of you...We are on a journey we would not have wrote in our books but here we are....Blessings, Grace, and Love to all of you,Michelle (Colby's mom Forever!! C$FOREVER)I love how you word things Claudia! You know, I've seen from the beginning of my journey that I don't have control over my life like I thought I did. I did everything in my power to protect Sydney, but I couldn't know what was going on inside her that day she left us. Anyway, I've realized that I don't have control over anything in this life except my response to what happens. So changing my perspective has gotten me through the intense times of depression. For us, that is replacing the horrible images with what we believe is truth. That's what makes it faith - Believing. And that is a beautiful image of Heaven to replace any loss of life (as we know it).I remember a few weeks after Sydney left, seeing a beautiful picture of her at the Dallas Arboretum among the tulips. She was so vibrant. I started to weep at the thought that this beautiful life was cut so short, but then I heard a gentle voice say "She is more vibrant and alive than you've ever seen her." That alone brings joy to me. She has not lost life at all!In Claudia's defense, I would just like to say that I also often wonder "how can I help others that are feeling such intense pain as I have unfortunately become familiar with?" Apart from my faith, there is no relief from this pain. She shares what works for her, and what she believes as truth only to offer some hope and greater sense of purpose. I personally would not see any reason for going on if I didn't have God in my life. We who are Christians are not trying to "win" anyone over for the sake of being right. There is a peace and hope that cannot be explained or understood and we don't want to keep it to ourselves! Love to all! - Angela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members loveyoujustin Posted October 11, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Hi everyone. Lana, I thought of you so much today. How did it go? My daugher left for college for the first time only two weeks after Justin's accident. At first she said she was going to stay with me, but her friends and her (relatively new)boyfriend stuck by her side day and night until she left. I thought I was going to die sending her off to school, but after Justin's accident, I just didn't even feel it. Is that terrible? When we took her, all I did was think about Justin and how much he was going to love college, he was going to play college football. He was being heavily recruited. I kept search all the kids faces to find him. So I kind of know how you feel about Brian. I'm sorry that most of their friends are away. It helps my husband and I so much to have Justin's friends around, which is very often. His teammates come over after every Varsity football game.I feel the same way with my sister as you do with your parents. My mother died 12 years ago at age 62 from ovarian cancer. She was very close to my children who were only 2,5,6 at the time. I didn't think I would survive that, but I guess I did. My father died 7 years ago at age 67 from emphysema. So it's just me, my sister and my brother. My sister has a 17 year old son who was in a near fatal accident only 5 months before Justin. He is doing extremely better now, but really hurting and missing Justin. They were only 6 months apart, and did everything together throught childhood. They were very close friends as teenagers.Are you a counselor at a school? I work in my husband's office. He has his own business, but I have not been back there yet, and it is out of our home. Well, his office is actually above our garage. I still can't do it. So many things I have issues with. We did start therapy tonite, and we have an appointment for next week. I just feel like I need some type of direction. I do the "pretend" thing all of the time. People say to me "you are doing so good, i don't know if I would be doing as good." Stupid, right. Nobody really knows the pain, physical and mental, and the big hole in our hearts!Hope today you felt my love and prayers! I love you all, thank you for helping me on this journey of sadness. Our boys are "always with us."Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 12, 2007 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Just checking in to say hi to my friends here and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I've been reading, but haven't posted the past couple of days because I have been crashing emotionally. YEP! It's a tough few days, but I know the sun will come after the rain. I cling to hope, even though I know there will be dark days ahead...Lana, you made it through the day! Hold on tight. You ARE surviving! It's hard and it hurts so bad, but I am thankful for the loving kindness and support here in the rough times. It truly does help.binky20- You are so sweet! I know it's hard, but you honored and blessed Colby so much when God chose you to be his mom. That is for eternity! Trish, what a gift to have Justin's friends come visit so often. I remember how beautiful and wonderful my time was being surrounded by Joey's friends after the memorial service. because they were so close, many things they would say or their certain mannerisms made me feel like Joey was there too. Several of Joey's closest friends have gone to the family ranch a couple of times and helped Joey's dad on the new horse barn construction. I know his dad cherishes those familiar times too. Even though there is a longing for Joey when the boys visits, it's such a comfort at the same time.I think all of us with surviving kids will go through periods of time throughout our children's lives where we will dream old dreams, wonder who our kids would be today, and wish wishes that we know will remain just wishes. There is a sadness in that, a longing, a missing... and that is completely natural and there is no reason to feel bad for those moment. They are not robbing our surviving children when we feel those things, and even when we share our moment of sorrow and longing. It shows them we are real and that we haven't fogotten. Chances are they are thinking similar things, but as young people often do, they keep more to themselves in those moments. I think in some way our kids here find comfort in knowing the maternal bonds last forever, and neither can death separate us from our kids. And don't feel bad about not yet feeling motivated or ready to go back to work. You are so blessed to have the flexibility that you have. I don't know how I could have possibly coped through having to be at an office all day when the tears, breathlessness and heart palpitations were at their peak. I know many women here have done it, and I so admire them for forging on. I know at the time they may think they've done nothing special, but they showed us we can stand up when we need to. Take all the time you need and your husband's office can allow. Maybe only start back a couple of hours a day or a few hours a week when you feel it's time. Take care of you!!As for me, ugh, I am in Ecuador, and we are entering the rainy season. It's been pouring, thunder and lightening every afternoon, and while we have to be in Quito for a week it is freezing cold at night. I always feel the sadness more when I don;t get much sunlight. We're also still battling crises in my husband's family, and it's so hard to be so far from our families when times are tough. I feel very lonely so often. I do my best to lean on God to get me through. But, hey, we're all human, and we will struggle from time to time. One good thing about the struggles is that usually there is blessing and victory on the other side. It's when we are the trials that it is most important to hold on. He will see us through. Blessings & Hugs, Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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