Loss of a Teenager

[kksmom]

I read the posts on this page almost everyday. I think I do that so that I don't feel so alone in this pain. It has been exactly one year since my daughter and her boyfriend died in a car accident where my daughter was driving and made a mistake. I feel like she was my whole life and now she is gone and there is not much left. I spend a lot of time thinking about the many things she will not get to experience. She had just graduated from high school the previous spring. It feels like I am living each day as though in a fog as though I can not believe or accept what has happened. I'm sorry for the disjointed thoughts - I just know I want my daughter back. Just one day.

Kalinda's mom

9/8/88-8/17/06

[jjrmom]

Dear Kalinda's Mom,

I am sorry to here of the lost of your beautiful daughter. It hurts. When my son was killed the detective came over to our house and said less than a week prior he had to give the bad news to a mother her daughter was died and they live right around the block. The girl was at fault she had been drinking and killed her friend also. I have always wanted to say how sorry I was and no matter who fault it is we love are children and we miss them. Alot of kids at this age think they are invincible. Some of my son friends got dui's even after his death. I have wanted to go down the street and tell the mother how sorry I was but my husband didn't want me to he thought it might upset her more. I pass her house and always wonder how she is doing. Probably like the rest of us. Now her house is up for sale I hope her the best.

[kksmom]

Hi Jarod's mom,

I can't imagine having to go through a court case or trial. I'm sorry about your son. When the sheriff's department came to our house I thought they were going to ask for a donation. Kalinda had been driving for about a year without a problem. She went to make a left turn on to a busy road and either didn't see or misjudged the time she had to cross the intersection. The visibility at the intersection is not good, but it was daytime and the weather would not have hampered visibility. Don't really know what exactly lead to the accident.

I think it would be very brave of you to talk to the girls mother.

Judy

[tiffanicovais]

NICKS PAGE IS AT www.mem.com, search last name Cullens, first nicholas.

I just lost my son on 4-14-2007, my daughter's 16th Birthdate. I am in a world of pain and can not get out. I cry all of the time, and there are days I stay in my PJ's all day long. I am going to coundeling, therapy and to the Warm Place with my younger children. How do you go on with no goodbye, no last kiss, no last smell.

The driver of the car that hit Nick and his friends was 22yrs old, going 76 in a 40, and denied the test for three hours when he was still at .15, which is almost double the limit in Texas.

His friends all from elementary were in the car with him. He was the only one that died. And it was instant. He never took another breath. He was hurt all over, his spine came unattached from his brain.

The girl driving him that night also had been drinking and she was arrested for DWI. All of his friends never come around. No parents have called and we are all good friends, so I thought. My son had no beer that night.

Now the court case looms. What if he gets probation? Can I handle that with out going to his house in a rage? He is up for manslaughter and vehicukar assault for the girl sitting next to my son. What canI expect? Please let me know your stories of the court system...and if you are in Texas that is even better.

Thanks, and sorry for the loss of all your beautiful children.

Tiffani

[tiffanicovais]

NICKS PAGE IS AT www.mem.com, search last name Cullens, first nicholas.

I just lost my son on 4-14-2007, my daughter's 16th Birthdate. I am in a world of pain and can not get out. I cry all of the time, and there are days I stay in my PJ's all day long. I am going to coundeling, therapy and to the Warm Place with my younger children. How do you go on with no goodbye, no last kiss, no last smell.

The driver of the car that hit Nick and his friends was 22yrs old, going 76 in a 40, and denied the test for three hours when he was still at .15, which is almost double the limit in Texas.

His friends all from elementary were in the car with him. He was the only one that died. And it was instant. He never took another breath. He was hurt all over, his spine came unattached from his brain.

The girl driving him that night also had been drinking and she was arrested for DWI. All of his friends never come around. No parents have called and we are all good friends, so I thought. My son had no beer that night.

Now the court case looms. What if he gets probation? Can I handle that with out going to his house in a rage? He is up for manslaughter and vehicukar assault for the girl sitting next to my son. What canI expect? Please let me know your stories of the court system...and if you are in Texas that is even better.

Thanks, and sorry for the loss of all your beautiful children.

Tiffani

[tiffanicovais]

Good morning to all. Hope your day is as nice as possible for you.

Tiffani

[tiffanicovais]

God bless everyone.

[mamabets]

For katant~ Although my Danny was 25 when he departed from this lifetime, Kath, I do travel around the different boards sometimes..I remember when he was once a teenager, discovering that he could ALWAYS come to me and talk to me about anything and everything..AND, he did...I miss all of him, every square inch of his 6'5", bundle of love, so, so, so much~

Early on in this nightmare, I remember being unable to do anything familiar...Anything that I did when my Danny was still here, seemed so foreign, i.e cooking, reading People magazine, watching Larry King. In reading your post , I feel your anguish at LOWE'S...It is frightening when I think that Danny will never come here from Florida anymore and TWIRL me around in the driveway when I run to him. I can barely walk at times, it seems, but I can't tell you when and how this lifted, this complete torture. The loss will forever be tremendous, but I know that the Heavens and all of their surrounding communities, adore our angels. My head and heart one day surrendered to this, I think, and the pain became so unbearable.A shred of hope tinged with a "life that remains still" took over... I weep daily, from time to time I lose my breath, but that constant FEAR has left, for the most part. That fear that "MY GODDDDDDDDD, HAS THIS REALLY HAPPENED?????". It hurt so much, and somehow it one day left... NEVER the pain of the loss, but the torture... The pain goes along with the sweet memories. There are new Danny memories that are being made, still. His signs are awesome, his forever tug at my heart carries on, and he will always be my strength in the eye of this storm. I think about you so much, and will be with you "by heart" when you move on Saturday- Send me your new phone number, if you think of it.

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[shirleybjsmom]

Hello Kathy

this is shirley b.j.'s mom i am very proud of you. i have read many many of your post. Kathy our pain is so real and deep to our core but leaning on Gods comfort and guidence seems to pull us through every time. it seems to me that you are starting to take care of number 1 now (you) and maybe letting up on some of the bitterness and hate. please don't take this as anything more then me caring about a mom who has lost the most precious part of who we are.like you my children are everything about who i am. now we have to restructure our lives and it is a daily task that many people can't possibly understand. today i'm feeling a bit down school just started in our area and this would have been b.j.'s big year.

[mamabets]

For katant~ These are the sweet stories that somehow help us to make it through this...The waterfall...How awesome.

I hope that you are holding up~ I am thinking about you!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxo

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I too really loved hearing about the indoor waterfall. There is something so soothing for me with water too, because Joey loved the water so much. There's lots of things you say about your dear Anthony that make me think "that could be Joey". So many similarities... My husband built for me right below our bedroom window a fountain that splashes and runs to a stream through that has several splash areas. The sound is beautiful and calming. I pray your waterfall brings you comfort and peace, and a closeness to Anthiny that is beyond anything you imagined. Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

why do mis-spells always happen in the wrong places? I'm sorry kathy for the typo in Anthiny's name, the last one there... You have my prayers as you gear up for the dramas of a court room. I pray you find an escape in the visions of your Anthony and waterfall in the toughest of moments... Love, Claudia

[iansmom]

Hey all, funny how that is with the waterfall. On the door to the mausoleum where we have Ian, is etched "A fountain of Life" because he bubbled over with life and personality and so on. We've been planning a place in our yard for a really kool fountain and we'll have the stone with "If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, then I would walk right up to heaven and bring you home again"

I hope that you both find a peace that superseded all understanding as you find soulful rest by the flowing and bubbling fountains.

Iansmom, Faith

[coryjsmom]

Kathy,

I wish you luck with your move. I'm sure you are scared and excited, as I was.

I moved into a new house a month ago and it's so peaceful. I can also relate to the waterfall idea. I have an empty corner in my living room and I plan on buying one also, just haven't found the right one yet. Cory loved to fish and swim so it's only fitting. I'm sure you will feel Anthony with you in your new surroundings. I have a quick story for you. About a week ago I was in my bedroom making my bed. I have several Boyd's Bears that people have given me on a high shelf. I was several feet from the shelf and heard something hit the floor behind me. A bear had fallen. It was one that my daughter had bought me. He's got a heart in front and the heart says "Believe in Angels". I know it was Cory letting me know he was there.

Shirley,

I know exactly how you feel about the start of school. Our boys both would have been seniors this year. It's all I could think about for the past two weeks. Their big year and they will never get to experience it. Then I was thinking about whether or not to go to graduation. It's like I want to go to make sure they remember him but then I don't want to go because of the pain of him not being there.

I just passed the 18 month mark last week. It still feels like a nightmare that will never go away but I've learned to move forwardly slowly. I'm just trying to live my life in honor of my son.

Take care,

Ginger

Cory's proud mom

[jjrmom]

Today has been a really hard day for me. I have another son that has been getting in trouble since his brother died. He started self mediciate so he was placed into rehab. Today he left there and came and took his car when I was gone and I have not a clue where he is. The last time I saw him he seemed uptight.I just have a really really bad feeling something well happen to him. Like the night Jerrod died I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. I just feel so helpless.

[4everjoeysmom]

Jjrmom, I hope your son made it back home. I read a few days ago somewhere a quote that said "There is very little of our lives we actually control." It may have been here on BI somewhere. But it makes me think if we have so little control over our own livesm how in the world can we have any control over the lives of our children or anyone else, even if its for the sake of their safety, sanity, whetever. I am so sorry you are having to go through this added heartache and stress through your grieving of one son. Please let us know when your son returns home... I'm praying. Hugs, Claudia

[iansmom]

Jjrmom, I'm praying for you and for your dear son. I went through a similar thing with Ian's brother. It's hard to watch our children self destruct so we do something to help them and it's not well appreciated, at least at this time. These kids don't know what to do with themselves after such a great loss so they try to escape by self medicating. So we stand in the gap trying to help ease their pain, as we walk through the greatest pain we've ever experienced. I watched as God did some pretty miraculous things to bring my son Samuel back around. God's not finished, but at least Sam's not in the same danger. Again, my prayers are with you and your son.

Ian'smom, Faith

[mamabets]

For Katant~Hmmmm.....LAWYERS!!!!! Can be very tricky, but because this bird has never been in Anthony's life, I can't even IMAGINE!!!! The only advice that I can give you is this, and you know me well...

"What will be, already is", meaning that this too, is something that you can't control... Does that make ANY sense?? Probably not, at the moment, but I hear your strength, I feel you moving your mountains, and I know that Ant is right there with you...I could talk to you for HOURS about the "thing" that calls himself Danny and Jackie's father...I could write the book. SICKENING, but I had to let alot of "it" go, or I would have gone completely mad...

I will email you !!

I LOVE YOU~

mamabets xoxoxoxoxo

[kksmom]

Katant,

I don't have any advice but hopefully the judge/jury will see what a farce his claim is. I think any decent person would be overwhelmed with regret over the fact they did not have a relationship with there child.

Judy

[kksmom]

Hello Everyone,

Kalinda would have been 19 today. It still seems so unbelievable that she has died.

Judy

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I would think legally since this freak has never been in Anthony's life, perhaps has never paid child support, etc, he may have had paternal rights but they are gone now since Anthony isn't here. He should have no legal claim to any money. I'm sure your attrney and a court of law will see through this farce. God I would hope so! Hang in there. I think this is just a ploy of spiritual warfare to knock you off your feet. Keep pearyning about it. I certainly will! Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

that was supposed to say, Keep Praying. Fat fingers this morning...

[4everjoeysmom]

So glad you're feeling better for now Kathy. We all have those moments, and its so great having everyone here for support.

KksMom, as you reflect and celebrate Kalinda's life today, and that precious day 19 years ago when her presence graced the world for the first time, I pray you are comforted with the love and bond that will never fade from mother to child. Blessings and hugs, Claudia

[mamabets]

For katant~ Thinking about you and sending so much love your way..Non-participating fathers...A dime a dozen...My ex claims to have been "the dad"...Nothing more than a bully...

I'm with you and I think about you always...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[kirksdad]

I still remember how raw the emotions were on that first anniversary. It was unbelievable. I didn't even begin to understand how I was going to ever function in the real world again because for me there was no real world, it was just one long nightmare that wasn't going to end. Curling up in a ball would have been the easy thing to do because that was all I wanted to do. The emotional and physical pain I felt really was more than anyone should have to contend with and at the time I didn't understand how I was to feel anyway but that for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately it just wasn't the first year, it went on into the second, then the third year and then around the 4th year I felt differently, I seemed to be able to get up and function a little better, but only because I came to the realization that I had to really push myself. I was doing all the things I had done before, but only with a minimum amount of effort. Even in using that minimum amount of effort I was so worn down that after work I would get home, plop myself in the easy chair and just pass out for about 2 - 3 hours. It was just a vicious cycle for what seemed like only moments,yet it was going on over 4 years. It seemed like only moments because my world stopped when Kirk died and what proceeded after was just movement in place.

No one can predict when they will "return" to a normal life, because life after the death of a child, when it comes to our emotional and physical well being is just not controllable. We wish we could control it, but it just doesn't happen.

Now it has been 7 years and today I am feeling better than I have in all that time since Kirk's death. I am able to function, my students seem to enjoy and respect me more, and I am not as tired as I was. To get to this point I had to really push myself into situations and feelings that were starting to feel a little foreign to me.

Sorry to go on, but there will come a time when we will feel physically and emotionally better. To get there we have to do what ever it takes. Sometimes getting there is really a strain, sometimes it takes a while, but we all can work it out in time.

It doesn't mean we won't miss our kids any less, it means, as with any part of life, we learn to conform, to change, to adapt. Is it easy? Hell no! Will it happen? Yes, in time.

[joshsmom]

Hello to Kirk's Dad,

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I do come as often as I can and still read alot of the posts, itis so hard to read them and remember the first year and after since we lost Josh!

It's been 3 years now and we just had to go through another birthday without him, his 20th! He was only 16 when he passed in May of 2004, it seems like yesterday since we lived though that day, but also seems like a hundred years since I've hugged him!

I'm writing to let you know that we have gotten some justice after all, as you may remember, the kid that was involved in Josh's death, only recieved the 1 year in jail, but got a plea deal which included 5 years of probation, in which time he was to stay out of trouble. Well, it only took 6 months, he's been arrested for Felony Battery and is about to do 6 and 1/2 years in Prison!! He decided not to use his second and third chances to change his life, but continued the criminal behavior, and now he will finally suffer for what he has put our family through, and what he took away from us and also from Joshua!

It's been 3 long years, but first the kid's Mother passed, now he's gone to prison and I am finally able to put alittle of my unresolved feelings aside! I miss and love Josh more each day I live without him, but I also know that he is in a much better place and waiting for us! I wish he was here, and this never had to happen, but that is out of my hands and will always be! I have to put my trust in God that now he is protecting Josh and will love him and keep him happy and safe until we are together again!

It's good to see you are doing so well! Seven years without Kirk is a long time, but you sound like you have also dealt with alot of the "extras" and were able to put them aside!

Hugs to you and Take care!

Josh's Mom

[joshsmom]

Anthony's Mom,

I will definately pray for you and keep you in my thoughts!

I have read your posts about what happened and I understand your agony!

Thankyou for responding!

I appreciate the post back from you!

Stay strong for him and remember he is always with you!!!!!

Josh's Mom

[angelzone]

The Dash Poem by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the date on her tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

And spoke of the following date with tears

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between the years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own

The cars, the house, the cash

What matters most is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read

Whith your life's actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

[katant]

Fantastic Poem AngelZone. I have been saying alot lately that it is the little things that matter. When we leave this earth, we take nothing.

I wish to please copy this and place it on Anthony's Memorial page if you would not mind...It's all about between the dash..............SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every second of the 18 years and I would not trade one of them back.

Thank You....

kathy

[angelzone]

The Dash Poem by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the date on her tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

And spoke of the following date with tears

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between the years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own

The cars, the house, the cash

What matters most is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read

With your life's actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

[angelzone]

The Dash Poem by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the date on her tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

And spoke of the following date with tears

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between the years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own

The cars, the house, the cash

What matters most is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read

With your life's actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

[kathy714]

Dear Angelzone,I love this poem,the minister read it at my son Nathan's memorial,i am always talking about it and didn't know who wrote it,thanks for posting it...Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[binky20]

Our only son, Colby, went home to be our Lord & Savior November 12, 2006. He was a passenger in a vehicle driven by another young adult. *The young man was charged with vehicular homicide. The automobile accident happened on November 10. Colby was in trauma ICU till the Lord took him Home on the 12th.

Breathing in & out every single second of the day is sooo hard and painful. Colby is the love of our lives, the joy of our home. I LONG to Hold him sooo much! Friends and family (and everyone in the community) says, "They can't Imagine". And the Truth is they Really can't...It is Worse than any physical pain than I could ever experience...We are just Looking Forward to Heaven!!

[4everjoeysmom]

Binky20, I so feel you! "I've Never Been More Homesick Than Now..."

[loveyoujustin]

I am brand new at this and not so sure how to talk to anyone. I really need to talk to someone. My beautiful son was killed in a car accident 7 weeks ago, tomorrow. It's getting worse with each day and I just don't know how to keep going. Can somebody help me? Sometimes the pain is so unbearable, and seems to be actually physical too.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear loveyoujustin, I'm so sorry for your loss, (as am I for Colby's parents, whose mom just posted before you did). I so remember the physical pain that came along with the emotional trauma of losing my son. My heart literally felt like it would burst, and I couldn't breathe at times, my breath literally swept away when i would think certain things--and thinking those certain things was unavoidable, he was gone. There is no doubt there is physical pain connected with our broken hearts, and with the umbilical cord that does not seperate us from our children after birth or after death. They are as much a part of us now and in the future as they've always been. It's just so different now. We can't hold them or touch them, and the longing to do that grows and grows as the shock wears away.

For me, 14 months later, I still have the longing and that incredible thing that I call "the missing". I miss everything--where Joey once stood, his voice, the "he" said mom, his beautiful smile, his annoying out, his zeal, I miss everythying. And that will never go away. But as the year has gone by, I've noticed the shortness of breath rarely comes now. The physical pain has seemingly subsided. I now stand with the scars of a wounded heart that will never be lacking that terrible scar, that terrible loss. I've learned a lot from my friends here at BI. AND I am really glad you found BI, because while there are so many of us here, it is a place where you can find understanding, comfort, compassion and a link to people that will be there for you like you never imagined. I've done a lot of healing here. Once my deep burdonsome pain began to lift enough for me to see others joining this new journey so broken, and feeling for them in moments more than for my own pain, something began to happen. I began to reach out to them, and to share in a way that was comforting to them, and healing to me.

There are no instant words of pain reducing comfort. But I do think on a couple of things that help me... 1) "Time" is all that separates me and Joey. And while that time is not something I will force by my own hand, I look forward to each day that points me closer to my reunion with him. 2) I am a Christian, and so was/is Joey, believing in the grace of salvation through the resurrection of Christ, and having without doubt personally received that gift of eternal life. So that comforts me. God helps me through it all.

Each one here is on the same journey of loss. But we each, as similar as a lot of things are in certain times, have to find our way. The most comforting gift I have here at BI is knowing that I am not walking this journey alone. There are others here that are walking with me. And that is more than I have felt from anyone else I know, because unless they experience this, they cannot possibly relate. Here at BI anything goes, and no one judges, because we know first hand that it hurts like nothing describeable. SO, I do hope and pray that you find some comfort and healing here, and that you come back often to share, pour out feelings that you just need to get out there, express yourself, and eventually find ways to be a comfort to others as well. Time is the journey, and the pain of our loss does take on different shapes as we go. It helps to come here and check ourselves to see that what we feel is felt by otehrs too and we are not crazy...

My thoughts and prayers are with you loveyoujustin, and binky20... HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

2nd paragraph: The WAY "he" said mom... and the annoying pout... UGH the typos that I fail to see...

[binky20]

Dear 4everjoeysmom,

What a Blessing the Lord has used through you already for me, personally. My husband and I went to Joey's virtual memorial web page last night. What a beauiful website to honor your son! Colby was a member of the Class of 2007 at his high school (I started in education when he started in 1st grade at the high school he was to graduate from May 17, 07). Colby was the only senior on the basketball team, Tn Honor Scholar, Tn Governor School of Art winner...So talented and blessed by the Lord. His Media Honors class built a website in his memory (www.colbystansberry.com) It was been very healing for us to read all the comments from lives Colby touched. He was and Will Always be Amazing!

Please visit his site when time allows. I may also built a virtual memorial web page..We'll see...

The comments you gave loveyoujustin's mom blessed me as well. We KNOW with a Doubt if not for our faith in Jesus Christ our Lord & Savior we could not have came this far on this journey that God has us on. Only by His Grace & Strength do we even get out of bed each morning. 10 months on this journey though has not gotten any "easier or less intense" for us. We are having to deal with legal issues, attorneys, etc.. Please pray the God of Justice & Mercy we serve will carry this for us.

I do want to give what little "nugget" of wisdom I can give to loveyoujustin's mom. Be "gentle" with yourself, griefing is very personal, no two moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. can give you a "secret" trick. ONLY God can Heal our broken hearts. You are right the pain is sometimes unbearable.(honestly, most of the time)_ I will tell you things the Lord gave me to bring some peace & comfort: We see a Christian counselor, I read tons of books on grieving (I pray over each one before I buy though to make sure it is what I should read), I meet with two other moms every other week_ most times we just sat & stare at each other or cry with each other. (All three boys went Home to be with the Lord by car accidents_ one 17 (Apr 07), Colby 18 (my baby Nov 06), the other young man 19, Mar 07)- Three totally different boys but now moms joined together by kindred spirit. You are on the right track~ reach out and talk to though of us who Truly know. God Bless you both! *IF HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS THEN I'M IN HEAVEN!!" binky20 (C$ FOREVER!! Colby's mom!!)

[4everjoeysmom]

binky20, I definitely will be praying for God's justice and mercy to rain down. I always have to remind myself that His justice is perfect, especially when my flesh wants more than anything to not wait and see that justice is donw now, timely, and in a tangible way for me to see. But then God whispers to my heart, and He tells me that His justice and His time are perfect.

Philippians 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Phi 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I cling to these Scripture verses. I know that whatever God's will, it will be done. And I pray that in that, you will be comforted with His peace and love as you wade through the difficult times ahead.

Thank you so much for visiting Joey's web site. It was a healing comfort for me as mourned his loss so deeply during the time I worked on it. I was inspired to do something like that so that I could have a place to keep my memories of Joey alive. I feared so much that I would forget the little things about him. Now as time goes on, I can go and add memories as they flow and even if I get a dreaded alzheimer, I can go and visit and get to know him all over again. I visited your Colby's site. They did a lovely job on that. What a special treasure and a beautiful gesture of love and compassion! Your son is a special boy too. I can imagine the boys are worshiping LIVE there in the full glory of Jesus. Amen! Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

[momofjon]

My son Jon was killed in a car accident on March 19, 2005...16 days after his 17th birthday. I rarely talk about it but I visit memorial sites regularly, so I finally decided to participate...to see if I can talk about it. I have two other sons. Jon was my youngest.

I no longer worry anxiously whenever my other two sons are out in cars, although I am seriously anxious whenever I am a passenger in a car. I'm fine if I'm the driver. My sons know to call me when they're out to tell me they're OK.

My name is dee...I'm crying now...I do whenever I even think about it.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Dee, I am so very sorry for your loss. My son Joey died on July 31st, just 7 days before his birthday. He was not a teen anymore, but he was still a big kid with so much life ahead of him, so it seemed. You touched me deeply when you described how you feel, your anxiety about being a passnger in a car. I felt that kind of anxiety for years and years, and I always had to be the driver if we went anywhere. My husband and I now live in another country where I do not drive for various reasons, but mostly safety. How ironic! Anyway, what you said really hit home for me. I'm so sorry for the pain you now live with and a family forever cahnged by sich a loss--your baby. Please know that anytime you feel the need to visit here and share and unload, we care and we will walk our journeys together. It has helped me so much to come here and "relate". Sending BIG HUGS, Claudia

[momofjon]

Thank you, Claudia. I've been reading here for awhile and visited your beautiful memorial site and saw the pics of your handsome Joey.

I initially began to visit memorial sites some time ago, as it gave me solace to see that this happened to so many moms...and so randomly. When it first happened, I had difficulty going out in public, fearing I was branded as a bad mom...for who but a bad mom would have her child taken away from her? I eventually realized I appeared normal in public.

I don't know why I don't talk about it. My sons don't talk about it either, but they're very protective of me. I imagine they don't talk about it because I don't.

I even had friends call after it happened and I still, to this day, haven't returned the calls. I carry it around with me constantly but I don't talk about it.

I bought this teddy bear and pretend it's my son. Intellectually, I know it's not, but emotionally it's comforting to me. It stays with me here where it's always safe.

Thank you for responding.

dee

[loveyoujustin]

Dear Claudia, and Binky 20, Thank you for the kind and very sincere words. I feel really very lost, just going through the motions if even that. Most days I stay in bed until my 14 year old son gets home from football practice. My daughter is away at her first year of college, and miserable. Justin was killed in the accident two weeks before she left. She will not be staying, she will be coming back home after this first semester. I have many people, friends and family that deeply care for us, but it does not really help. My husband is in his own world of pain and we can not help each other at all. We went to one therapist, but are looking into going to another. I just don't know what do to. The best way I can describe it is LOST. Is there another way to talk besides on message boards? Maybe e-mail.

[4everjoeysmom]

Anyone who would like to write more personally and in depth via e-mail, I certainly invote you to call on me at clab2010@yahoo.com

MomofJon, When tragedy such as losing a child befalls us, it has absolutely nothing to do with how good or not good a parent we have been--unless one takes their child's life by their own hand, and that's an entirely different sickness. One of the traps of grief is guilt. We wrestle with it because deep down we tell ourselves there must have been something we could have done to prevent it. I am a firm believer of our lives are for a period of time already predetermined. It is so random. But when it's our time, it's just our time. I have a lot to say around that issue, and am happy to share more of my Christina faith in a sovereign God and His plan. I blamed Him for a while, after my personal guilt subsided, but found no relief in that either. I am by vocation a missionary working in South America. So, my faith is important to me and the core of who I am, and also the catalyst for my healing and understanding of deeper things that have come to enlighten me along my grief journey. I always say to moms who feel guilt and low worth after losing a child that if a missionary is not immune to such loss and pain, how can anyone be? It is not a burden you should carry. The pain and lifetime grief is burdensome enough without those feelings of 'bad mom', etc.

LoveyouJustin, It is a very lonely grief. Isn't it? Everyone has to process it in their own ways, and nothing seems to ease the isolation and feelings of being so alone. Coming here and posting has helped me in that regard, because others here can truly identlfy and I with them. But I've also had wonderful shared and inspirational e-mail correspondence with many moms along my journey, and that has deeply helped me as well. Please do write to me if you would like to.

Thanks to those who have vistied Joey's memorial web site. I always hope and pray that it can be a healing inspiration for others, and I am grateful there is such a thing as virtual memorials. My family and Joey's friends have been comforted as well to have a place to go and visit Joey when they feel like they just want to say hi or share what's on their hearts. It's been a huge blessing to us all.

Many hugs and much love to all of us hurting and missing our children, Claudia

[momofjon]

I didn't actually feel responsible for the loss...I guess I worded that badly. I think it was more of a loss of identity issue. I had been mom of three sons for so long...suddenly I didn't know who I was anymore, as if a chunk of me was missing or I was missing an arm and everyone could see it...so I was clearly visibly defective in public. It took quite some time for me to see myself as an entire person again.

Loveyoujustin, my middle son left college after the accident and never returned. He had alot of difficulty, depression, etc. He's now doing well and works in the computer field...hadn't really wanted to go to college in the first place and was pushed into it by my husband (long story).

So frantic about his situation, I focused on him...decided to try and remedy all the things I could rather than focus on what I could no longer control. This helped me a great deal, I now realize, looking back.

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

MomofJon, Yes, I do know that feeling...I wondered often, How am I supposed to stop being mom of two? I realized over time that I will always be mom of two. One is just living elsewhere now. Any time anyone asks me how mnay kids I have, I always say two. And then I add that one is here and one is in heaven. But it's so hard...always will be...

[loveyoujustin]

Claudia, after reading your last post, I feel very grateful to have met you, I do believe in fate and destiny. I will e-mail you.

MomofJon, I too have those same feelings, I really still cannot grasp the fact that I can go from having three beautiful children, to two. But like Claudia said, I will always have three children, and there is nothing that will ever change that, not even death. Justin is "always with me". My e-mail address is trishwgn@aol.com if that works better for anyone also. I haven't been to any support groups yet because I don't think I can handle it physically or emotionally yet, so this is a tremendous help to me. Thank you, and God Bless All of Us, and our Children. Trish

[lagrangel]

I lost my 19 year old son on August 11, 2007. The pain I feel is just an overwhelming hurt. There are days that if I stay very busy I won't cry until I have down time. My Saturday and Sundays are horrible since I don't work on the weekend. Those were the days when Brent would come home from college. I try to occupy my time to make it day by day. It is difficult at work because they ask how are you doing? I cannot explain to them how I feel sad every day. I think most people think you should be better and should not have those sad days. I have two other boys and the son we lost Brent was a twin. It just breaks my heart each and every day. My husband and I are very close and supportive of one another during this terrible loss. It is only my faith in God that gets us through day by day. I don't want to be around crowds and go out of town to shop so people won't ask me questions. For the ones who have lost their loved ones awhile back does the pain and hurt ever get any easier? Everyday is such a struggle to get through and then start all over again. I would appreciate any help. Lana

[iansmom]

Lagrangel, We loss our son Ian 19 months ago. When I was at your point I was living breath by breath. Days seemed to pass without notice, sometimes 2 weeks would pass and I would, for the lack of a better way to say it, wake up and realize that time had passed. I, like you, lean heavily on Christ for help through this. I can now say that God had me in this protective bubble that was saturated with grace, mercy, and other fruits of the Spirit. We loss our son to a really horrible accident that took the lives of 3 teens all due to a drunk driver. I have to say that I don't believe that we'll ever get over this but we learn to deal with it better. My husband and I as well as the other members of our family still break down from time to time. My father who is a strong man emotionally still tries to hide his weak moments.

We each have our own way of getting through this. I'm still in early stages, and there are others here with more time behind them. Our host on this site has an awesome testimony of 7 years that has helped me. Also Claudia, 4everjoeysmom, and I talk. She's a missionary, has a way with words that helped me through some really tough times. She was able to put into words what I felt, which helped me put some understanding to the emotional trauma. I suggest that you keep coming back here because from time to time you’ll find something to relate to that will help you. You don’t have to always write in, but reading here knowing that these are real people going through real pain for the same reason you are here can help some. There are books that you can read too that many here say helped them. I’m a reader, but found it hard to get into a book. My prayers are with you and your family.

Iansmom, Faith

[4everjoeysmom]

Lagrangel, I am SO very sorry for the loss of your precious Brent and the deep pain that is now a part of you. Your loss is so new, and I imagine still very surreal. After 14 months for me, it's still so surreal at times. I say to my husbamd all the time, this is just so weird! I talk about Joey all the time. Whenever something comes up that he would enjoy or that reminds me of something he would say or do, I speak his name and my thoughts out loud. I hear his voice when my husband and I say a word in a typical Joey mannerism. I know that might make people around me a little uncomfortable--especially my dad, who also hides his emotional hurt of this loss as much as he is able to. But since Joey was, is and always will be a significant part of my being, I refuse to go on like he wasn't here. His name is special, and I say it a lot. I even named my puppy Jo-Jo, just so i could say it more. I think most people that haven't gone through something like this are very afraid of our pain. They never want to know what it's like. And our co-workers, friends, etc find this has hit "too close to home" in our losses, so they shy away and don't talk about it. I don't think they mean to be insensitive. I think they just fear what we have come to know personally. And they cannot help but be reminded when they look at us, because even though we go on in the ways that we can, we've lost a little bounce in our step or a little sparkle in our eyes. For being less than two months for you, there is so much still frozen and yet to surface where emotions come in and adapting to this loss and a life that is forever changed here. It is awesome that you and your husband are close and traveling together where most of us have at least a brief time where the connection seems numb. But in time I have learned that through me and my own life's legacy Joey's continues and grows here as well. I carry him with me in almost everything I do, and I speak of him often in my ministry work. That brings me comfort, and it has brought many young people to realize their savior. Each one of has a story with our children that have gone too soon. And that story, while it seems to come to an abrupt end because their dreams and lives yet to have been lived that we shared and dreamed with them came crashing to the floor at our feet, despite all that I am discovering that the story continues. It's just different. Joey's story is two-fold now. It includes what I am yet living through my life while enveloping his life and legacy as part of mine, and it includes his eternal life that I also am a part of and yet to be. Having lost him here in this world has opened my eyes wide to just how temporary this earthly home is. And in what will seem like the blink of an eye to him, when my time here also comes to a close, I will meet up with him in the 2nd part of our story, the sequel that WILL go on forever. And I imagine Joey will see me arrive and he will smile and say to me, "remember yesterday when...", and I will smile back and know without a doubt that the pain has gone from me forever. I hold onto that, and somehow it gets me through the pain here. It's hard, but it has lightened in time. The missing grows, but in that too I know it is temporary and only days compared to eternity.

Faith, I think of you so often. And I thank you for saying such kind words. You opened up and welcomed me here, and you helped me too more than you know. In fact my gratitude is displayed virtually always as that angel mom who visited Ian's memorial when it was brand new. He's a beautiful boy, and I can just imagine how much more beautiful Ian, Joey and all of our kids are as they bask in the full radiant glory of the Son. I am so excited to be on the road to eternity... Hugs and love, Claudia