I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

We're heading for Malone, NY (where Farmer Boy from Little House series was set) and Vermont wherever the von Trapp lodge is and then down through Conn. All country I've never seen. Should be fun if I'm not nuts from so much up close and personal time with my mom. I love her but..... Mary Jo

[naz496]

oh my god.

Its offficial I finally have something nice to say.

Mal promised Harrison that he would take him to a Lee kernighan Concert this year. obviously that is not possible so I wrote to Lee and explained our situation. I got a call yesterday saying that there was 3 tickets left for us at reception and dinner for all of us at the resturant, AND harrison gets to meet Lee Kernighan and have his photo taken and signed hat. I sobbed of course. But how lovely for Harrison. What a fantastic night we will have.

peace to everyone.

Naz

[justamom]

YEAH NAZ! you needed some good news. I am so happy for you and Harrison! That will be great - live music always makes me feel better. Have a great time. Lisa

[aprilmoonflower]

Naz- that is great news! I hope you have a great time!

[airymoon]

naz i guess mal was with you. How great for harrison my suggestion take a picture of mal with you when you go.

becky

[Error username not found]

naz thatz really cool. youll have alot of fun that day.

im soo pissed off. i dont know why.im really pissed off at my bf.i guess because its almost a year and im getting really annoyed that this is reality and im making myself think of all kinds of crazy ****. idk..but im extreamly pissed. jeeze.. i guess this would be the anger phase???? cuz im furious.

[samrtb]

ok i just typed a whole post and it deleted. i hate that. anyways, shortened version....

Naz - congrats, that should be a great time!

Rodless - you'll have a good time as well. went to college in CT, uconn, so know alot about the state, but have ben to VT or NY very few times. I can understand your relationship with your mom thought. my mom and i barely speak and russ's death pushed us further away. he want exactly the most supportive person around.

anyways, hope you are all having a good night.

[samrtb]

aaand i meant "she wasn't the most supportive person, " not "he". the "" on my keyboard sticks all the time.

[airymoon]

bacafly--i hit the anger stage about a month after kurt died and its not gone yet some days it is less than other days but man when its here its BAD. thats why i started working out at the local Y. I meet new people although i am sweaty and not exactly looking my best and i see alot of people i know that i normally wouldn't. Plus i get to really push myself and that gives me something to focus on instead of the anger. I wish i could find a class where i could hit something though that would be better. but yes in answer to your question you are probably in the anger stage. You recognized it though and that is a good thing just try not to take your anger out on those close to you. When i first entered this stage we built a deck. mainly so we could pound on something. that deck has way more nails than it needs. A friend of mine said why didn't you use screws. I just looked at him like he was stupid and said because you cant pound in the screws. He looked at me like i was crazy. well there are worse things to be besides crazy.

[laurielblack]

Like so many of you, I am really struggling with anger and guilt right now...I finally went to see a therapist last week and she told me all the things I have already been told so many times, like "give yourself permission to be angry" and "take time for yourself or you'll be no good to anyone else." It's so easy for people to tell us these things but so hard to put into practice in our very real worlds. How do you take time for yourself when you're taking care of three kids, a household, working full time, and trying to keep things as "normal" as possible? I barely have time to breathe, much less take time for a day at a spa or some such nonsense. I have to get up 30 minutes before everyone else just so I have time to read this board and post occasionally. When I think about it, I get angry, even angry at my sweet Byron, for leaving me to do all this alone...then I feel guilty for being angry at him when it wasn't his fault or his choice at all that God called him home. I hate myself for being angry with him, when it's really the situation that makes me angry. Last night, one son was playing in his first football game, another son had football practice, and the third son had a Father-Son function at his elementary school, all at the same time. I felt so guilty not being able to be everywhere at once. We wound up going to the oldest son's game together as a family. I just can't be all things and be everywhere all at once. I guess I just feel so overwhelmed. I apologize for venting and dumping all this...I just know that you guys will understand. Prayers and hugs for all of you and I hope you have a blessed day.

[armaiti]

Naz - congratulations, I am so glad you have something really good and special happening for you!

Mary Jo - Have a great time too! I love Vermont, I was there for a couple of weeks years ago, before I was with Ishaq. And what a time of year to go with all the color of the leaves!

Carol and Chris and I went up to Portland to see Ishaq's son and his wife last night. First we went to some shops in Portland and had coffee and went for a short hike in Portlands non-active volcano park. (Yes, there is a volcano right in Portland, Oregon, in Mt. Tabor park - just a little pit of a cinder cone,but the park itself is lovely!). Then Shems, Ishaq's son, suggested a great sushi restaurant where we got the BIGGEST pieces of fish on the sushi I've ever seen.

It was a lovely evening, they showed us a slide show of their fishing trip to Alaska and his wife Crystal talked a lot about her teaching job, which was very fun and interesting. They are such great people - they met in high school and got married a little over a year ago. Watching them I am always hoping and praying that neither of them has to go through what I've gone through so early. If you stay together forever, welll, somebody will die first, but I sure hope they get to grow old together.

Ishaq's sister was telling me that 55 is kind of the "cut off" date for type 1 diabetics, which I never knew...if you make it past that you have a better chance of living to be older, many die way before that. I never knew all this stuff when Ishaq was alive and I'm glad I didn't. I feel his presence as a living breathing part of me, the memories, the signs, the dreams, and I'm getting more comfortable with that. It does help that Carol and Chris are still staying here...when they go next week we'll see how I do. It can all change at any second, that's something I think we all know here!

Hope all have a good day,

Blessings,

Anna

[naz496]

laurie

nine mths and 8 days latere and im still angry and in denial, i still feel guity for being angry I to cant be every where and everything to my young children. I just do my best and that has to be it for the time being. I get up and feed them and take care of there needs and anything else is a bonus.

I think we have a long way to go.

Naz

[aprilmoonflower]

Naz- you ARE everything to your children. don't feel guilty about not being able to do everything either. it's ok. we are all human and can never do everything we want or need to. I know what you are going through though and how it is so easy to be hard on yourself in the process with little ones. (I"ve so been there) be gentle with yourself. you are showing your kids it's healthy to mourn don't let anyone tell you otherwise! yes we all have a long way to go, but look how far we've come too. stay positive. I know it's hard, but it helps a little tiny bit. it's so easy to get in thepattern of negative thoughts too while mourning and going through depression. hang in there! have you tried affirmations? it's just repeating positive thoughts to yourself. eventually you start to believe them..anyway that's just something that works for me so I thought I'd throw it out there.

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- I love Farmer Boy! That is my fav. in the Little House series (I read the whole series about once a year.lol)

[Guest Guest]

Hello everyone,I'm new to this board and just recently became a widow,I lost the love of my life on July 26th 2007,after a sudden illness,married for 47 years,2 wonderful daughters both grown and fam's of their own, I don't know what to say or how to cope with Life on this planet now, As i read the posts left here from you all,it's helping a bit too know I'm not alone,In Tears again Gulps,sorry I'll have to continue another time,I can't even think stright !!

[lindat]

Guest - I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you are feeling right now is overwhelming and numbing at the same time. We understand what you are feeling and you are definitely not alone. Be patient with yourself, it is going to be tough for awhile... You are in my thoughts. Linda

[airymoon]

Hi ladies

tonight is a really sucky night i dont even have the energy to talk about it. I wish i could just be happy and forget all this pain but it keeps coming at me like a train wreck and i cant get away from it. i just want to sleep for the rest of my life and forget being happy or fullfilled and i dont just mean with a man. In evrything. maybe i should just embrace the sadness and stop pretending that my life will ever be different.

becky

[Error username not found]

guest..sorry that u have to be here..but it does help.i know u probably have herd this before and i know i have..but it will get better..its not that u ever forget because u never will..but it hurts less to the point where u can go out in public without breaking down.feel better..i know it soundz rediculous and yeah ok..if it was that easy i dont think any of us would be here..but i just hope u feel better..at least for a little while.

airymoon- i know EXACTLY what u feel like. ive been there so many times where i just want to sleep forever and just completely give up.it sounds pretty good..alot easier than working through all the waves of shitty feelings throughout each day..but i know youll feel better by tomorrow..cuz weve all had those dayz..but just incase you dont feel better..think of him as being right next to you and hearing and seeing you. thats what i do sometimes. speaking of which,i have a picture in my room of him and its the perfect face hes making in that picture. if im talking outloud and looking at it..it looks like hes listening to whatever im saying.the picture was actually taken exactly one year ago today..well yesterday now cuz its after 12. i miss him. Goodnight everyone.

[missyouhoney811]

"Hi Ladies" - The wedding in Texas was the greatest. We actually celebrated for three nights. Food, drinks location simply fantastic. Although, on return to Pittsburgh I missed my flight out of Memphis (my luggage made it on the flight but I did not have enough time to get from one terminal to the other). It turned out fine. The airlines put me up in a hotel and gave me vouchers for food. The next morning I got a cab and went to Graceland. What a joy. I did the tour as well as walking throughout the grounds. I had no change of clothing BUT I survived. I took many, many pictures. I think next year I will go again and stay at the Heartbreak Hotel.

I hope everyone has a good day.

To the new guests............I am so sorry for you loss.......This is a good and safe place to be..We all know what you are going through....Blessings to all.

Dorothy

[bsnurse76]

Good afternoon. This morning has been emotional for me. I really am missing Darren. It seems like the last couple of months I had turned my focus to work and friends with little thought of the stress of this last year. This morning it all came back. I realized I still miss him so much. I think I have been in denial again the last two months to only realize all the emotions are still present. My cousin got engaged on Saturday and I am very happy for her but I think it triggered some of my feelings. Darren and I would of probably been married this winter. I miss what we would of had. I think I will try to go to the cemetary today. I haven't been in over two months. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[crushedheart]

Hello again everybody..I was the *guest* on here yesterday ..today I'm just a woman like many of you with a crushedheart..thanks for your kind words and replies..reading your posts is a lot easier for me then writing one...I still have so much trouble talking about my husband with out crying..wishing he was here with me so badly ..to the point of hearing him ..seeing him ..still setting that plate at the dinner table for him ..going to the door to greet him home from work..something exciting happens ..I find myself picking up the phone to call his office..or sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring and hearing him say Hiya Babe..everything alright ..it's been 7 weeks now..and altho my husband and I are both Christians...I was like many of you very ,very mad at God...That has gone away a little bit...and I bowed and told him how sorry I was for such thoughts..I don't know what it's like to give up a child..Nor would I ever want to know ..cause giving up my hubby was almost like I've stopped breathing ...I suppose our pain will lighten someday ..but for now it's ripping my soul out ..Take Care everyone ..I'm holding all of you all in my prayers...

[airymoon]

crushed heart--i know that pain and there is nothing you can do to get over it mostly you just have to go through it and it is hard but it will get easier to breathe and as for the soul being ripped out mine still feels shredded. There were so many times i wanted to call him to tell him something its been 15 months and i still do that some times. I hope you keep copming here and even if you cant post you can read them as far. in the beginning i posted and cried and then posted and cried. my thoughts are with you.

Bacafly--everyone says its ok to shut down for a while but how can i when i have kids around me and for some reason it is getting harder to get through the day. i never had the chance to just go to bed and not get up for a few days i had to be heare for my kids and i think maybe i should have allowed myself to do that. anyway thank you for your thoughts.

becky

[justamom]

Becky, I too have young kids at home and didn't feel like I had the option to "check out" for a few days when that was all I wanted to do. You feel like you have to function for your kids and to a certain extent you do. But I did get to the point where I knew that I couldn't do it all. I had to let some of it go. It was largely stuff around the house and when my "people" mom, sister, best friends etc. realized that there was a big chunk of stuff that wasn't getting done they would turn up to help get it accomplished. I tmade me feel guilty at the time that I couldn't even clean my own house but they pointed out all of the things that I was getting done (getting kids up, dressed, feed, to activities etc) which did make me feel better. Sometimes it is all still really overwhelming and I am approaching 2 years in Jan. You do what you can do and when you can't lay down, go out to eat or see a movie. sometime you just have to take care of yourself. I am wishing you the best. Take care.

Crushedheart, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have found us here, we will always listen. Be gentle with yourself. Cry often and loudly. That is all I can offer. Lisa

[Error username not found]

airymoon- i have a son who is also really young.the only chance i got to just cry and lay around was the day and the day after his father died. i stayed up crying and crying until i unwillingly fell asleep and woke up crying i didnt wanna be alone but there was no possible way for me to have taken care of my son those days because i was so weak i couldnt get up and all i was doing was crying,and he would start to cry being nexto me. after that my mother said "you have to take your baby" so..i did. i pulled it together and been doing it ever since. when i usually cry is at night when my son is sleeping. i usually stay up and think until i cant stay awake anymore.i just wish everything could be perfect for everyone and noone could die until they were 100.then everyone would know how long they have and how long they have to live w/out someone they love.ok..im goina bed.goodnight.

[missyouhoney811]

I know for myself it was next to impossible for me to function the first six months after my John's death. God bless you ladies with the young children. I know you just have to be strong....which is not easy. I remember the tears and the animal cries that came out of me. My phone would ring but I would not answer. At that point I just wanted to be alone with my broken heart. I felt no one understood what I was going through..........so why should I even talk to them. I must say the past few months have been better. I still talk to John many times through the day. I also still have his special place with pictures, candles, letters, cards all from him. I will always love and miss him. On 10/11 it will be 14 months since his death. On 9/27 would have been our 32nd anniversary.

Take care of yourselves.

Blessings and Prayers,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

today is our 5th wedding anniversary. It also marks more anniversaries I've celebrated without him. (he died right before our 3rd anniversary) it just totally sucks.

[airymoon]

april--yes it does

[armaiti]

To all the new folks - I am so sorry for your losses! It does seem impossible to function in the beginning. It's almost 14 months for me now. I've been doing good lately, but as I've said, Ishaq's sister and her husband have been here, making dinners and helping around the house, just being present and willing to talk about Ishaq and our experiences with him, both before and after his passing.

To the new folks, my spiritual tradition is both Sufi and Red Road/Native paths, and both work with the belief that we continue on after we leave our physical form and can be present and available for those we leave behind. Ishaq was a Sufi Sheikh for over 30 years, a great spiritual leader in our community and he has been very present through signs and dreams and visitations. Your beloved husbands/partners can see you, this I believe; and keep your eyes open for signs that may mean nothing to someone else but something special to you.

April, I am thinking of you especially today and keeping you in my prayers.

...and Dorothy, and everyone who is having a hard time right now.

Blessings,

Anna

[grannyc]

Oh how I hear your ache. It can be almost breath taking. Early on I would loose my air and hurt in the middle of my stomach just thinking of life without my Tim. I was 15 when I met him; 18 when we married, 37 yrs later I lost him and I cannot imagine life being anything at all. Its work to get up in the a.m. And, all I do is work around, I usually have 5 tasks going at once, none near completion. My train of thought is absolutely gone, along with my memory, a mind is a terrible thing to loose.

Our life had shrunk so with Tim's illness that I don't even know how to reach out or find something to broaden my horizons. It seems everyone has somebody, don't they? I am even alone in a crowd. I guess I am babbling and doing none of us any good.

Hope this site will help me as I learn how to use it.

GrannyC, Minnesota

[naz496]

young mums

I too wish I could curl up in a ball and not get up some days, but we dont have that option.I thank god for my 3 and 7 yo butI am not patient with them any more. I do try. I use to have the patience of a saint people said but that gone now.

I have something fantastic happen.

OH MY GODNESS

There is a singer down under called Lee Kernighan. And my husband and son and I love him and his music. I wrote to lee and he sent my son and I tickets for his show.

what a night we had. We had a lovely dinner in the resturant dining on prawns squid and fried iceceram on Lee. then went to the concert. Montanna didnt last but Harrison did.

After the concert we were ushered in for a quick photo and signing. 5 mins we were told.

25 mins later we emerged sobbing.

Lee is such a nice bloke. He talked with Harrison and told him how proud of him he was and told him that the cries to when he thinks of his dad, Told him about his 2 boys 6 and 9 and maybe one day they could all be in a band together. He told h that when he is sad he picks up his guitar and plays. this always makes him feel better. H said I dont have one so I cant do that. Lee said "I though u mighnt so I want to give U and early birthday present A fender guitar a black one like mine. I will organise it and sed it next week. I will call u next week to see how u like it." Never in my wildest dreans could I have emagined thta Lee could bring so much joy to us.

Harrison came home and has gone around all the neighbour hood to see who wants to be in his band.

Mal has sent us some angels and Im sure that Lee is one of them.

Peace to all

Naz

[computermemaw2]

And, all I do is work around, I usually have 5 tasks going at once, none near completion. My train of thought is absolutely gone, along with my memory, a mind is a terrible thing to loose.

Grannc, what you're experiencing is normal. That first year it seemed like I was just going around in circles. Work saved me during the day because I had to concentrate so very hard in order to keep my mind focused. Many times I'd slip and go to the bathroom and cry, then take a deep breath and come back out to work. Driving home was always a flood of tears. Once home, the silence almost killed me. For several months I'd just come home and go straight to bed and make myself go to sleep. Anything to not face the rest of the day alone with my thoughts and wanting to just shut out the world. When that didn't work I'd clean. You'd think I'd have the cleanest house in the world, but I fouund myself just moving stuff from one place to another. For almost a year and a half my home was upside down because I was always cleaning out closets, drawers, kitchen cabinets, etc. I honestly can't tell you anything that happened the first year because it was like I was in a cacoon. There are parts of the second year, and parts of the third I can now think back on--but it's almost like I'm on automatic. I'm here. I'm surviving. It's probably not total living, but I'm here. I concentrate on getting through today. I don't look past today. It will eventually even out for you and you'll get yourself into a routine. All the books say you have to change your original routine you had with your husband--you have to make a routine of your own. Watching different TV shows, sitting in a different chair, eating in a different location--that type of thing. When the walls feel like they're starting to close in, I get in my car and just drive. You'll eventually find you're stronger than you realize. At first I couldn't imagine living one day without my husband. Then all of a sudden you find it's been a week, then a month, then months, then a year. It seems to come in spurts. Time will seem like an eternity, yet yesterday will still be so fresh. Sometimes it's like you're out of your body observing life just passing you by, then other times you'll feel like you've been hit with a truck. It's just going to take time. For some, more, for others less. There's no set limit. Everyone's different in how they handle going through their grief. Grief isn't something you're going to get over because it's such a strong testament about losing someone you love. But, it's like your body has a mind of it's own. Survival instincts seem to kick in and, although we don't realize how it can possibly happen, we each learn in our own ways how to deal with our losses. I know you have to keep busy because it's so very easy to just give up. I had to make myself get up, had to make myself eat, had to make myself go to work, had to make myself work in the yard. I didn't want to, I could have cared less. But you will eventually get to a point where you'll tell yourself "this has got to stop. It's not going to bring him back, it's not hurting anyone but you, and it's not going to change a thing. You can't continue like this. Something's go to change." Words are so easy to say, it's the action's that will be hard. You've just got to try to keep going. It's just one day at a time, often just 5 minutes at a time. Keep coming back here, read the posts, you don't have to post if you don't want to. Most of the time I just stay in the background. I found keeping a copy of what I'd posted and looking back over the comments from time to time, I guess I'm getting better. I don't cry so uncontrollably any more. I still have my moments, but I guess I'm getting better about handling it. Actually I guess this is beginning my acceptance phase--because there's actually nothing else I can do about it except come to some kind of terms with it all. You will too. It just takes time. Gayle

[aprilmoonflower]

Naz- that is so awesome! I'm so glad you had a good time!

We are off to volunteer at a pig sanctuary today. should be interesting! I can't wait!

Tomorrow is DH bday. he would have been 35.

I can't wait until this weekend is over!

[crushedheart]

computermemaw and granny ...Yes that's exactally what I'm doing now..just existing ..cleaning ..Cleaning again ..and More cleaning...but actually just moving things from one spot to another...I don't feel as angry this morning ..at God Nor my hubby ..still hard to talk about him with out tears..but I do so appreciate having this place to come to...family and friends are always availible...But i sometimes resent them for invading my space ..if that makes any sense...Too all of those young moms with small children ..My heart breaks for you ...wish I could just hug each one of you..thanks everyone for taking me under your wings...someday maybe I too will reach a point that i can talk about my husband..with out tears over coming me like they are now..you all were in my morning prayers...

[lindat]

Naz - What a special evening for you and your children!!! I went to Lee's webpage and he looks like a very nice man. Harrison will remember this for the rest of his life, very cool..

April, Pig sanctuary???? Bet the kids will enjoy it...

Gayle, You brought back all the memories and emotions of that first year. How true it is for us all, no matter what the situation, it is the same. You force yourself to do what you know that you must do, and the days go by even though you will them not to. We were still evacuated to FL from Katrina when my Terry died. We had lost everything 4 months earlier - his sense of humor and love kept me sane. And then on Jan 17th, 2006 he was gone. I packed what few things we had and hit the road looking for a place to stay that would not remind me of him, so that I could find some peace. I drove from FL to CA, stopping in MS and TX thinking I could stay and heal - after a few days in each place I would get back in the car and drive on, crying all the way. I stayed in CA for a few months with my son and his family and then drove to MI, it was so hard putting on a happy face for my grandchildren when all I wanted to do was die so that I could just be with him again. When I arrived in MI to stay with my sister, I was still so broken. Her first husband died while they were celebrating their 31st anniversary in Las Vegas - she knew instinctively what to say and when to say it - mostly she just left me alone knowing she was there if I needed her. She is happily remarried and I think the thing that helped me most was seeing their happiness, knowing how devastated she had been... When I left MI after 6 months, I drove back to FL, MS, TX and then again to CA - this time crying only half the time. The memories were still painful, but I could deal with them. I stayed with my mom in CA from October of last year until last month and I am now visiting MI and my sister again. It is so different this time, I am with the living again and we are making some happy memories. I still miss him every day, but I don't think of him every minute of every day. I can finally smile at a memory.

For those of you that have young children, you amaze me. I was a single parent with 4 children and I know how difficult it is to be mom and dad, but can't imagine having to deal with the grief and sadness on top of everything else. You are making memories that they will carry for a lifetime, a huge responsibility.

Hope that all of you find some peace today... Linda

[sweetwilliam]

You know it is funny how many people told me after Bill passed to get a dog. For one thing I have a dog - a very old Springer that pretty much sleeps most of the time. However, I had my dog to the Vet and he said I probably would not have him much longer...I was devastated - just could not imagine losing him. So, a friend told me about a litter of Border Collie pups and suggested I check them out. I took her advise and ended up bringing home a very sweet little guy that I named Sam. It was amazing what happened next. Bo (my Springer) is acting half his age! He loves Sam and Sam loves him - it was an instant bond. So, now when I walk Sam (which is very often) Bo comes along. To say this made a change in my life is an understatement. When I walk them I notice the colors along the Lake (the rich blue of the sky, the white of the sails of the boats, the blue/gray of the water) that I thought I would never see again - since Bill's passing, my world had become colorless. I realized for the first time last night, as I was leaving a meeting, that I was looking forward to going home. I knew I would be greeted by two dogs with wagging tails waiting for another walk.

I really think Bo was very depressed losing Bill and pretty much just gave up. Now, I think he feels a special connection to having that new life in our home. I think Bo will be around for much longer than the Vet expected - all because of Sam.

I know this is not the answer for many of you - just wanted to share "my story"...

Susan

[justamom]

NAZ, Iam so happy for you guys, You brought tears to my eays thinking of how happy your little guy must be! We all need those moments where someone is extra kind to our kids - they have such a long, hard road to haul and just hose little moments of joy help so much.

I have been on a rollercoaster for the last few days - I was in court yesterday with the kid that was drivng the car and killed Steve. Talk about a surreal thing to sit behind the person who wrecked my life! The court has deamed him "Incompetant to participate in his defense" which is ludacris because he has no defense. He knows that he did it and admitts that but, becasue of the brain injury that he sustained in the accident that he caused he is done with the judicial process at least for now. Then, "Hockey boy" (the mn that I am "dating") Has been in court this week trying to finalize his divorce - which will be great that it is all over and taken care of, but for some reason still frightening. Probably because then the big "moving on" next step questions come up. Just not sure if I can think about any of those yet. Also my sister wants me to start a restaurant with her - which sounds so great and fun but, hard, expensive and time consumning. And lastly, my baby - (He is 7, not really a baby) scored his first touchdown in his game this morning. It was so great, such a great moment and then I was instantly sad that his dad wasn't on the sideline to high five him, big sigh. So much to think about. I am tired and headed for boyscout adventure camp. Yeah! Hope you are all okay, take care.

Oh Susan, I love your puppy story! My "puppy" is still kickin our butts - this week she ate the cover to the Hottub, the whole thing, pieces and styrofoam are all that is left!

Good thoughts to all, Lisa

p.s. April, Can't wait to hear about the pigs, what a great way to spend the day!

[missyouhoney811]

Susan - I sometimes find myself thinking about getting a new dog. But for now I want to continue my monthly trips for as long as I can and maybe way in the future I may get a new puppy. I have always had dogs and it does seem strange not having my Sherman here with me. We will see...................I am also afraid of getting attached to anything these days.....Human and animal...

April - I remember when I first left home I ended up on a farm in Dunkirk, Indiana. The fun thing to do on weekends their was jumping in a pen of mud with the pigs to see how strong a person was getting the pig down and holding him.....LOL.........life was so simple than.

Blessings to all.

Dorothy

[airymoon]

naz--omg what a special thing for him to have done and i truly believe that mal was with you that night. how awesome for all of you. what an amazing connection to have made.

april-- on my husbands birthday we went to the movies and spent the day together. we talked about the things he did that made us laugh and we really tried to remember his life not his death or the fact that he wasn't here any more. It felt good to think about him and smile but later after everyone had gone to bed it was hard i guess it may always be hard at that time but as time goes by it seems easier to handle or may just doesn't last as long. Just try celebrating his life on his day and leave it at that . if that is too hard then maybe next year. ill be sending you good thoughts.

crusheheart--you will just dont rush it it is your own pace and cry if you need to or want to.

bacafly--iwas like that at first too. A lot of it for me was the anger i had no outlet for it so if they were in front of me i resented them but i tried really hard not to take it out on them. but if they mentioned him i was like how dare you talk about him he was not yours. Later i realized that they had memories i didn't and if i pushe them away then i would never know that part of him. Even that was hard though because it would make me mad that they had something of him i didn't. very strange but i think it may all work out in time if im careful not to burn bridges.

Also i would like to know if any one else is having this problem....at firs i had a handle on things i could keep my house up and get the kids going to what they needed. ok it wasn't perfect but it was doable but its been a year and 3 months and i am having a harde and harder time functioning and i dont know why. everything is in chaos and i have trouble getting a handle on anything. i kow what i need to do and i just cant get it together. Why now is anyone els experiencing that after managing at first or am i jsut crazy.

[samrtb]

airymoon - my life is in chaos constantly. my work is the one thing i can keep kind of in order, but i find i dont have the energy, physically or emotionally to keep up with my appartment. the little down time i have from work i just feel too exhausted and drained and all i want to do is lay in ed and imagine him here holding me. i just am not doing well at all right now. idont look at life the same way anymore, as im sure you can all relate too. but i just miss him so much. and i think back to the good, but also the not so good times and wonder why we wasted time arguing. if i knew then what i k now now, that a person can be gone in an instant, i would have let every aregumet go. i wish he was here right now so i could just talk to him and tell him whats been going on and to make sure he's ok. ugh im a mess im sorry thanks for listening. you are all in my prayers.

[samrtb]

airymoon - my life is in chaos constantly. my work is the one thing i can keep kind of in order, but i find i dont have the energy, physically or emotionally to keep up with my appartment. the little down time i have from work i just feel too exhausted and drained and all i want to do is lay in ed and imagine him here holding me. i just am not doing well at all right now. idont look at life the same way anymore, as im sure you can all relate too. but i just miss him so much. and i think back to the good, but also the not so good times and wonder why we wasted time arguing. if i knew then what i k now now, that a person can be gone in an instant, i would have let every aregumet go. i wish he was here right now so i could just talk to him and tell him whats been going on and to make sure he's ok. ugh im a mess im sorry thanks for listening. you are all in my prayers.

[egrayl]

airymoon - no you are not going crazy....i am at the 13 month mark of losing my husband of 26 years at age 51 to liver cancer. The beginning is the numb and in some ways easier time. I am in tremendous pain now. This is just the nature of grieving. We cannot place a time frame on it. And it gets harder before easier, I think. If I could, I\'d go straight back to bed today...but I have 2 young sons to care for and a birthday party to drive to.....

Grief counseling, music, books, meditation tapes have all helped me....

today marks 29 years ago we met at a dance.

love and peace to all....

[airymoon]

thank you all for your responses. the thing is i am hving a harder and harder time functioning. i cant even get myself to replace light bulbs in the house too much of an effort and forget about cleaning or cooking. i feel like i have no reason to and that is not how i was 3 months ago. i am sick of this roller coaster it is not a fun one and i want off.

becky

[missyouhoney811]

Becky - In order for me to sit at my computer I have to go through John's room. I walk to my office without actually seeing anything in his room. I still have all the medical equipment, supplies, clothes, etc. I have not touched anything. Since his death I believe I wiped his TV off maybe 3 times. I find I do not have the strength dealing with it right now. I am taking care of the van.....within the next two weeks I possibly will have it sold. That alone will be a big accomplishment for me. Today, I was busy working outside getting ready for the colder weather to hit. Although, it is a beautiful day today...........I work when the energy level is with me. As far as light bulbs. I need two replaced in the bathroom and one in the kitchen. I have the bulbs but I have not changed them. I find myself looking at things for a long time before I actually do it. I also have to get an electrician to replace my circuit breaker.

Don't be hard on yourself..............everything will get done in due time.

Blessings to all.

Dorothy

[naz496]

becky I too have these probs. I kept everything perfecr until 16 weeks and then the adrenalin ran out then I didnt want to get out of bed but the kids made me. I still cnat bring myself to cook every night we eat alot of reheat. Its been 9 mths for me and its different every day. some days like yesrerday I did lots of boy this like changing the rollers on the back doo and painting the door and a few other thigs and today havent even had a shower yet. I jus accept that some daysI can do things and some I cant . Hang in there we are all there for u.

My 3yo woke up today saying that she was cring because she doesnt want to go inot the red truck anymore. That was my husbands truck. we havent seen it in 9 mths I thought she was doing ok and to little to have affect but obvioulsy it does. I think she was half asleep. My 7yo has been sick with sinus and asthma for about 7 weeks and we are all sick of it. he can out with this moprning that he is going to die because the dr couldnt fix daddy and they cant make him well either. What the hell do u say to that. Tears this morning, sad d ay all around

Peace to everyone.

Naz

[airymoon]

naz i dont think htere is anyhting you say to that just hold him and reassure him that it is not the same situation. I get so angry when i think of what this has done to my kids and believe me i know we are better than a lot of families that have gone through this but it still makes me mad that they lost such an integral part of themselves and no matter how much we talk and remember him he is not here for them to touch and see and feel. i did manage to change one light bulb today yipee maybe tomorrow ill cook who knows. im talking online to some people. one guy seemed really sweet and wnated to meet i told him i couldn't yet and i wnated to know what he was hoping to find on the site. he said a good friend someone to have good food with and maybe good sex. wont be meeting him! maybe this oline friend thing is not for me too many crazies

[grannyc]

Hello to ((everyone))

I've just been reading the posts from today on this site and I can hardly believe each and everyone of you are talking about MY Life. You know me so well and where I am.

I have been trying to get my own Buddy, but, keep getting no responses.

I've tried hard this weekend to stay busy and above my feelings-I think I may be kidding myself, because I know deep down I am so very Needy. Needy for people that understand, people to get to know me, people to just be with me and on and on....................Its been 14 months for me and yes the beginning was absolutely the very worst. But this 2nd year business is as difficult. Then, sometimes I think. I am 55, Its possible for me to maybe live another 20 years. OH MY GOD! 20 years with out my other 1/2! My husband of 37 years. That's just almost too much for me to even wrap my mind around.

I think I am just blah blah blah, without any point so I will sign off.

GrannyC

[armaiti]

Hi there everyone...

Carol and Chris left this morning. It has been great having them here...I realize it's also nice to have the house back to myself, in some ways. I may not feel that way in a few days, we'll see.

Yesterday I ran into a woman I know who used to run a restaurant that Ishaq and I went to quite often. She asked how I was and if I'd found anyone else "special" in my life. For once it didn't send me into a tailspin. I just smiled and said no, I feel that I am still with Ishaq and that's enough. Carol said I should have said yes, my kitten Mckenzie! I guess she's not really a kitten anymore, but she is the youngest and keeps me laughing.

Fall is full on here. I'm ordering sweaters to wear, and taking rides on the scooter while I can before the rain starts. The garage/import sale went great - I made over $1,000! (part of which I spent at Neiman's online on Manolo Blahnik shes on sale! (I am such a shoe slut...) I have some art and writing projects to work on for winter, and we are also planning a celebration for Friday night for the 800th birthday of Rumi, the great Sufi mystical poet. So there's no lack of things to keep me busy. I am still missing Ishaq, every day, but I know he is with me, watching and waiting for me. Sometimes I feel his love like a warm wind washing over me. Sometimes I don't feel him at all and it scares me, but I try to remember that he's got things to learn now too and can't be with me all the time...

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[crushedheart]

Granny c ...I feel the same way ...It will be 2 months tomorrow ..seems like a life time ago ..and only a day or so ago...all rolled into one... :-(

[wonka56]

Crushed Heart, I'm right there with you. Its been 2 months for me now. Still not any easier than it was the first day. I find it so hard to beleive its only been 2 months, it feels like years now he has been gone . Some days I actually for a split second think he will be calling me, or I him. Then reality sets in. Now the initial time has gone by most of the people that were close by and caring are gone doing their own thing and I am left holding my pain by myself with no one to share with except this board. Which I have to say everyone here are incredible people. reading and talking helps me.

A couple weeks ago I went to a place Albert and I used to go to on occasion. I went with a friend. I had such a horrible feeling there. Like I did not belong there without him. I felt like being there was wrong. I tried explaining it to my friend but she didn't understand. This weekend I am going to the county fair with my Dad and sister. Its a place Albert and I went every year. I am hoping the same feeling does not come over me. It was very unsettling.

I long for the day that the pain goes away or dulls to a point where I can handle it without breaking down.

Anyway I am at the same place as you so I can relate to you all to well crushed heart.

Cindy

[laurielblack]

Six months today...where has the time gone? It seems as if it's been just a moment, a day or two...but at the same time, like six years or decades. I feel like the six months have passed in a blur, with everything spinning around me and I'm standing still. I still feel off-kilter and not quite right with the world, which I guess is to be expected.

I wanted to share something that happened to me this past weekend, which at first, was kind of creepy and scary, but strangely comforting and awesome at the same time. My husband was self-employed as a video director/producer and was doing a lot of freelance work for various places and companies at the time of his death. There were a few projects left in the lurch, all but one of which was worked around and taken care of. The one that was left...I made arrangements for it to be completed and I thought all was done until last week. I even allowed someone to use my husband's professional video camera to complete the project. Through the course of events that followed his death, I didn't give much thought to the camera but finally asked for it to be returned last week, to which I was told that the company that project was for was keeping the camera since the project wasn't done. Long story short...I got my attorney involved, blah blah, but I needed the original contract signed with that company. I couldn't find it anywhere. I moved two months ago, so God only knows where it would be. I thought I was going to be out of luck, but Saturday morning, I woke up and walked over to the bookshelf that is my "Byron shrine" and that original contract was sitting on top of the special box that holds his ashes. It was just laying there. I almost passed out. My kids didn't know I was even looking for it, nor would they even know what it was if they found it. I was the only adult here. I guess it's Byron's way of saying "Go get my camera...please!"

Sorry for such a long post but I wanted to share. God bless and many prayers/hugs to all of you.