I Miss Him So...

[darleneandhunter]

Hey everyone -

I am so sorry all these new ladies had to join our little club here. my heart goes out to all of you. Each and every one of us can feel your pain, and we know exactly what you are going through at this point in time.

Fotki -

I want to clear up some of the confusion. I want to make a site for ALL of us to use. It will be ONE site. A place we can SHARE with each other. Each of us can have our own folder for photos, our own folder for journaling, and our own place for links and videos if we have them.

I will create the site as a group site, and set us up with a password for those of us who are computer savvy enough to know how to upload photos, deal with photo tagging and the like. If you aren't so comp savvy, I would have no problem with having you email, or even snail mail me (for those without a scanner) photos and *I* will upload them for you. I can even do the journaling for you if you don't feel confident enough to do so.

We can add poetry, stories, and even things we find on the internet about grief, right to the site.

The great thing about Fotki, is that you can add titles and descriptions right with the photos. If you feel the need to add more, you can always make your own journaling folders, and add entries as you go along. It really is a great site for this kind of thing.

If some of you would rather own your own site, but don't have the computer skills to create one, by all means, you can certainly purchase a site(either through Fotki, or elsewhere), and I will offer my services free of charge to anyone here needing help setting it up.

What you all need to know is, that while Fotki is free to anyone, the premium, unlimited space account is not. The first two weeks has unlimited storage space, AND, when the trial period is up, we will NOT lose ANYTHING we added to it, we just won't be able to add to it until we either A) buy a premium account, or wait until they add more space to the account. It will remain free forever, and we will get 10mb of storage space ADDED to the site every month. It sounds like a lot of free space, but it really isn't if you take into consideration the amount of pictures even a few people can add to it in one day. My thought is, everyone can contribute a couple of bucks to be able to use the site, and that few bucks will be for a FULL year. It only costs 30.00 american for a whole year! Anyone new wishing to use the site can send me a check or MO for whatever the amount we agree upon, and they will have access for a year. I can apply any amount(every 30.00) to the account, so we could conceivably keep the site rolling for many years.

On to other things.....

When it rains, it pours.....

I spent the last few days in the hospital. Long story short, I had two "mild" heart attacks (The word MILD does not belong in the same sentance when referring to heart attacks). I went through three days of testing, poking and prodding, and nitroglycerine. I have an appointment to see my own set of doctors tomorrow. They are going to help me decide if I should go get a stint, or some dumb thing, to see if there's anything inside my heart that they are missing. I now have a pretty bad arythmia that never existed before, which they THINK caused my two "mild" heart attacks. I just went through a battery of testing within the last 6 months, and it wasn't there then. The arythmia has been constant since monday, and I can feel it. I have the nitro tabs, but I only need to take them if there's any pain. So far, so good, for now.

So....

Today made 10 months that my Mark has been gone. There are WAY too many Marks here...lol

I didn't let it get me, but I haven't gone to bed yet. I am sure I will break down then. I kept busy with bringing my aunt dinner, working on our angel pins, and just trying to tidy up some things in my house.

Then, I get a letter from SSI, telling me they messed up on the survivor benefits, and is sending me a big check for the mistake. I am thinking, GREAT! The Holidays! Then I see the date. On or about the 27th of Dec. Big let down, since I am really out of money, and I don't know where the money will come from to get my son gifts. Makes my head hurt!

All I can say is, I am still alive, I am still here for my son. I guess thats all I can ask for at this point, but this year has been absolute hell, and I can't seem to catch a break from anywhere.

[darleneandhunter]

OH!

And yahoo no longer has chats in their groups. They used to, but with all the recent changes, they eliminated both user and group created chats. I joined the group BTW...lol.

[mishknit]

darlene..

thanks for all the info about fotki.

NOW.....what are we gonna do with you? heart attacks, arythmia? what are the doctors saying..is there a way to completely take care of this? Are there things that contribute to these problems that maybe you're having a hard time with during this time? I mean, because writing here helps, but if you need other kinds of support to make changes in your life (Oh god..i sound not like i want to..i'm just so concerned) maybe we can help? um..dam...i don't know what i'm saying, but anything we can do to help? is what i guess i'm saying.

take care of yourself!

michele

[Guest Guest]

Hello, I'm Laurie.......and I am wondering when does it quit hurting so badly. My Best friend, partner, lover, the person that made me whole passed away Feb. 17th 2006. I was so lucky to have 7 incredable years with this man that made me laugh each and everyday. How do you ever get over the incredable sadness that you feel each and everyday when someone so special and so much a part of who and what you are is gone.

[manda14]

Wow....it's so awful to see so many new people here,I just can't believe so many of us are being put through this. I'm very glad you all found this site so quickly and were couragous enough to try it out. It took me awhile to admit that I really needed help from someone other than my family.

I am so sorry to here your stories. I can definitly relate to you as my loss was my boyfriend not my husband too. He had cancer and we had decided to get married as soon as he got better and all his hair grew back. He was only 27.

I know you feel like your life is over but as the other women have said, we all do get through this...not past this or over this, but through this.

Do take as much time as you need and no matter what anyone says, you decide when you are o.k or not. There will be people around you who seem to forget or just ignore, but don't let that influence you. You are on your own schedule....whatever you say,goes.

Your guys may not be here in body, but they are always listening to you if you need to talk to them. The one thing that helps me is remembering that he is in a better place now, he is no longer sick and I WILL be with him again sometime soon.

You are all so brave and strong for reaching out and I really do think this site will help you with whatever you need. I know it has for me.

Amanda

[manda14]

Laurie,

I don't think you ever really get over the sadness, but over time it comes in smaller doses. You learn that you are still here and that you need to live on for you and him. YOu need to be happy, like you know he would want you to be. I think most of the hurt comes from not being able to physically reach out and touch him( for me anyway) but eventually you will get used to that and it won't feel so bad. Our lives have completely changed and somehow we need to find some tiny piece of goodness in that. People say change is good....we know otherwise....But there will be some goodness, we just need to be looking out for it.

[aprilmoonflower]

OMG Darlene are you ok??? How scary for you (((sending healing vibes)))

[rodless]

Darlene ... thinking of you and sending prayers. I am so sorry you have this in addition to everything else.

Laurie, I don't know if it ever quits hurting...you just get used to it and adjust. I find the pain not as sharp all the time now although there are still moments when I can hardly stand it. Usually some unexpected little thing sets it off.

Manda, I believe too that the guys are listening. I talk to Rod all the time and sometimes I know I hear his voice in my ear (always the right one.)We have to remember that what to us is years is to them just seconds because there is no sense of time in heaven.

Hope yoy all have a good day! Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Just finished completely reconfiguring my bedroom..MY bedroom.

is having a glass of wine a bad thing at 1:30 in the afternoon?

HUGE BIG FN SIGH!!!

michele

[rodless]

Michele.....not with what you just did! Have two!! MJ

[justamom]

Michele, I find that it is never too early for a drink these days! I am so envious of you for having the strength to do it all. I still haven't touched his toothbrush, closet, dresser, nothing. I am hoping I can do it after the holidays or the 1 year thing. I want to - I just don't have the motivation.

To all of you newcomers, I am so sorry for your losses, I will think and pray for all of you and you will feel our strength together. Together we are getting through this.

Darlene, I am thinking of you. Take it easy! Rest, Relax!

A very nice man is taking my boys and I to a hockey game tonight - I don't really know what to think of it but I did put on lipstick?!?!

Thinking and praying for you all. Take care, Lisa

[mishknit]

thanks mary jo and lisa...

it was quite a day, and then my son got home and thought it was weird, but then proceeded to put in his 2 cents about where things should be..actually very good ideas!

Meanwhile.....

Lisa..

let us know if the lipstick was worth it!

michele

[mishknit]

oh..and DARLENE.....

you should post every day, even just to say hi, so we know you're ok!

michele

[airymoon]

hi Ladies it has only been afew days since i posted and so many posts! I decided to day that it is ok to be happy and have a little fun for myself today. I called my girl friend on the spur of the moment and we went to dinner. I actually laughed and had a good time. Doesn't mena i miss my husband any less than before. I still do and always will. i just needed a break from the pain and i think that is ok. I think i will take the good when i can cause we all know the pain comes back.

Darlene omg girl. OK i saw this thing on tv and it is called broken heart syndrome. it effects more women then men and it acts like a heart attack arythmia and the whole shebang. The difference is in a heart attack even a mild one there is permanent damage, with the bhs there is no permanent damage. The heart shows signs of damamge at first but then gets better as time goes by. with a heart attack it soesn't get better. Please don't do anything invasive until you ask your doctor about this it was on the news out of chicago a week or so ago.

Michelle- so funny about your bedroom. I also just rearranged mine. I wanted control over something and I picked the bedroom.I guess it's my way of reminding myself that life does move on even when we don't want it to and to deal with that i felt i needed a sanctuary and a place that was just mine not ours. (even though it is still ours). I am not really saying this in the right way but I just wanted a fresh start and took a babystep i guess. We never had the room this way so it seems easier to wake up and not have him by me. At least for now

hope this isn't too confusing.

Becky

[darleneandhunter]

Mish -

I don't know what I am gonna do with me...lol.

I went to my appt, but, surprize surprize, they hospital hasn't sent them over the test results. I have an appointment with my Dr's fellow associate, a cardiologist right in the same office on Monday. They think I have:

"VARIANT ANGINA (also called Prinzmetal's angina or coronary spasm) occurs when a coronary artery goes into spasm, disrupting blood flow to the heart muscle (ischemia). It can occur in people without significant coronary artery disease. However, two thirds of people with variant angina have severe disease in at least one vessel, and the spasm occurs at the site of blockage. This type of angina is uncommon and almost always occurs when a person is at rest, especially while asleep. You are at increased risk for coronary spasm if you: have underlying coronary artery disease, smoke, or use stimulants or illicit drugs (such as cocaine). If a coronary artery spasm is severe and occurs for a long period of time, a heart attack can occur."

Being that there aren't any visible blockages in all the tests I have had so far, they believe that it is brought on by my recent problems with anxiety, probably due to this whole mess. I have gone through ALL of the other testing available. Hopefully, I won't have to have the last test, which is not a stint, but a heart catheter. Even if there are no blockages, the test can see if the electrical system is firing properly.

I am figuring that I am doing somewhat of the opposite of what everyone else usually does in this situation. I am depressed, but I am reacting with with anxiety instead of lethargy. I was even told that stopping the antidepressants I was on could probably have saved my life. Funny that somehow I knew that.....

Anyhow, yes, again, welcome to the "club" girls. I have said this a few times in previous posts, but I will say it again. A very wise widowed woman I met told me that the pain never goes away, it only changes. As much as it hurts me to say this, we all learn to live with it, but not in complete anguish. We all do with our emotions what we can. There's no right or wrong way, there's no set time. Paraphrasing someone here, we don't go around it, we don't go over it, we have to walk right through it.

I appreciate the concern, and if you get worried, I did join the group april created in yahoo, you can find me there. when she sends out the new invites, I'll be there too.

[aprilmoonflower]

wow Darlene that is alot to have to worry about! I Hope it was just an isolated incident for you..hoping all your tests come back clear!

Lisa-I'm dying to know how the hockey game went???

Michele- I was forced to repaint and refloor my bedroom this summer. (it flooded and got moldy) actually I didn't do the work, my parents did..but still it was a huge change!

Mary Jo- you are right. I guess we just learn to live with it?? I think as time goes on some things become easier and some harder.

Becky- wow. broken heart syndrome? i beleive it!

[mishknit]

Becky..that wasn't confusing at all. I slept in the rearranged room for the first time last night. It took me a while to get to sleep..read a while, but i always do. And I woke up feeling pretty good....didn't wake during the night like i usually do. interesting.

broken heart syndrome..i read about that too....i'm surprised we're not all in the ER!

Lisa.....hockey game?

It's 6 on a saturday night and i'm posting here....this is so usual for me lately, and so UNUSUAL for me in my REAL life, with my husband. If we were home, it would be to have a nice evening at home. Big sigh. I do have some movies from netflix, if my son does some of his homework, we'll watch one. That's about as exciting as it gets!

Michele

[justamom]

Hi Girls - Okay, so I chickened out of going to the hockey game! He is in the middle of a yucky divorce and I really don't want any of that craziness but.... He is a really nice guy. Really nice. So I am not sure what I am going to do. He was really understanding of me not going too. My boys were really mad at me cuz they wanted to go. One day at a time right?! I'll keep you all posted. Hope your weekends are going well. Talk soon, Lisa

[missinmyhubby]

Hi All,

It does not go away, it does not stop, it does change, and it does get better...I promise!!!

Darlene - Take care of yourself!!! How is Hunter with all this going on?

God Bless Everyone!

Angel

[darleneandhunter]

Just for information's sake, I am a 20+ year diabetic, having been on insulin16 of those years. That alone is enough to be considered at risk for heart disease in the first place. I have high blood pressure and high cholseterol, even though I have had both in check for many many years with medication and changes in diet. I am still overweight, but hey, I can't fix everything...lol. Even thoujgh I am in control of all of this, I am still considered high risk.

I have had several chest pains between last night and right now. I reluctantly took the nitro pills, and they actually work, which leads me to suspect it is not the BHS you speak of. Not that this is any consolation, but I am would almost hope for it to BE that condition and not my heart, YK?

Hunter is taking it all in stride, but he's a kid. He doesn't understand how serious things like this are because he can't SEE it. I think he would be more upset if I was wearing a cast for a broken bone, just because its something tangable. He seen me at the hospital every day with all the things hooked up to me, but he didn't SEE anything wrong, so it doesn't mean anything to him.

It upsets him more to see me get angry or cry. I had one of those days today when everything went wrong from the word go. My external hard drive is acting up so I can't back up all my important files, I don't have enough CD's and NO DVD's to back them up on so I can reformat this thing, my printer is going haywire, and I have had problems with my Paypal account for days. I spent three hours on the phone with them, and nearly had a meltdown in the process. I spent the last of my money for the month today on groceries. Even though I am going to my father's for dinner, I would like to have had the money to buy a small turkey for the freezer.

My inspection for my housing is coming up two days after christmas, and I don't kow HOW I am gonna get this dump cleaned up in time. There's just so much to do, and I am not supposed to be doing ANY of it right now. I don't have the money for a housekeeper. If this mess isn't cleaned up, I will lose my housing for sure. It isn't call board of health dirty, no garbage on the floors and such, but piles of newspapers, clothes, boxes, contents of boxes that got dumped, that kind of thing. My son's room is so much of a disaster that you can't even walk in it. Because he doesn't sleep in it, it has become a dumping ground. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. Even before this whole hospital thing, I have just been so incredibly tired, that even while I know I have to get something done, I crawl back up in my bed and sleep.

I suppose if I got just a little something done every day, it could be done. Today, Hunter and I got the holiday stuff out of the closet in his room, cleaned it up, and got most of the full boxes out of the living room. Doing it by myself sucks, and I really don't want my friends helping me in the sense that I don't want them watching me break down every time I find something of Mark's. I don't know if that will happen, but I don't want anyone around when it does.

I just need to shut up now.

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- I hear you! I have no life anymore..well so it seems.lol. at least I can laugh about it!

Lisa- well that's ok about cancelling! you are definitly allowed to change your mind! if it's meant to be, it will be..btw I have to say I met my DH while I was divorcing my first husband. I did not intend to get into a serious relationship, but 6 months later I moved in with DH! (I did wait 4 years to marry him tho just to be sure) funny how things work!

Darlene- I can't imagine what you are going through. but you have to takie care of you first!!! can you get someone to come help you clean up? what about your father? or maybe get your DS to help you out? would you really get kicked out if they saw it messy? if you lived nearby I would come help you AND take care of you.((Hugs & many healing vibes for your heart))

[kathy51]

Hello everyone,

I just got home from spending the weekend away at a friends house.This is the second one in a row I have went away..I seem to make it thru the week okay but when the weekend gets here it makes me crazy.I have 2 beautiful children..(Grown with there own families)I try to spend time with them....I have 2 beautiful grandchildren and one on the way...I know they have there own lives and I dont want to wear my welcome out....When they are working I just try to occupy my time with something else.. I sometimes feel like the walls are closing in around me...I probably will sell my house in a year or two...maybe new surroundings will help..(who Knows?) Will any thing really help?I miss Stan so much I could just die myself..I try to stay busy and dont think about him..it works short term..but it always comes back...I wonder sometimes what I did to deserve this pain....What hurts me more is my kids pain...I can't fix it for them....The holidays are going to be so hard for us.I went to the mall yesterday and they were playing Christmas songs.I wanted to scream and tell them to stop...My daughter and I went to a hospice coping with the holidays meeting..I cryed non stop the whole time...Did I learn how to cope ??NO....But I did see so many others in pain..makes you stop and realize I am not alone..It doesn't make my pain any less..but I am not alone...I hate it for me and everyone else too..My friend said ...there was street decorated so pretty in his home town..he wanted to take me...I was almost rude to him about it..saying i dont care about the stupid street.Oh well..he is very understanding..thats what friends are for (true FRiends Do undersatnd and will stick by you no matter what...Sorry..I feel like I have rambled on and on....Anyway I glad i have a place to vent when needed.Thanks in Advance fo all your thoughts ..WE have started awebsite for my husband if anyone is interested to seeing it,There are alot of pictures of him....he was a big fisherman(alot of him Fishing) and some of us and our family...Kathy

[kathy51]

the website is http://stanley-henson.memory-of.com

[melissaf]

Hiya all...its been 7 1/2 months since my Darren was tragicly taken away from me as I said before and yes things do tend to get a bit better or so im told!...have any of you been sooooo angry at your lost partner?...Im mad as owt at him for leaveing me to deal with all this on my own..his family are giveing me so much crap!..they never wanted anything to do with him now all of asudden they r playing doteing parents!..They even arranged the funeral saying they were next of kin although me and darren were together for 9 years almost 10 and we got 4 kids...and then had the nerve to send me the bill!..Im angry at him cos the kids are so out of control and i dont know what to do to make things better..I wont go to the grave cos it just eats me up...then I get to feeling guilty cos it wasnt his fault and Im angry at him for nothing!...where do you turn?...I dont cry as much but I tend to run away from things cos I dont know how to deal with anything anymore!...I wish he was here so much..I miss him so badley...its like I died with him kinda thing..im not the same person...Im like a frightend little girl and I need him so much...now if you knew me before youd know I would never ever say I needed anyone..liked to think I was so independant!..but im not Im pathetic...i need to sort things out but I carnt!...his cloths are still in the laundry basket...his belongings are everywhere I feel if I move them or get rid then Im saying goodbye forever and I dont want to!..I know I have to at some point!...how long do all these feelings go on for?...Im really not copeing at all...I hate my life! :-(

Melissa xxx

[melissaf]

Oh I have a web site for him if you want to take a peek...

http://darren-valvona.gonetoosoon.co.uk/

[airymoon]

Lisa- Don't think so much might be nice to just have a friend to go out with. sometimes its nice to just hear an adult male's voice. It doesn't have to be anything more than friendship and a break from reality. If it makes you feel better set some ground rules for yourself.

Darlene- you don't have to shut up here. girl i know how you feel about the house thing. My husband did all of the cleaning here. I figured it was his turn after me doing most of it for 20 years. I finally got my house half way decent yesterday and today it was destroyed again.I also had a lot of people offer to help but i didn't want them to touch kurt's thing and i didn't want to answer "What do want to do with this" quetion 50+ times. I started like this---Ok today dishes.next day laundary...etc. as much as i wanted to i would not let myself go back to bed until i finished 1 thing completely then i would set an alarm. If i finished two things then i deserved a nap with no alarm.took a few days but it finally was decent not great though

Kathy--umm..........no apologizing here ok. I grt the kids pain thing. I feel like i'm being beat up on sometimes and i really want to know what i did that was so horrible just so i waont do it again. I really hate to see mu kids hurt too. Makes me hurt more to watch them go through it and then even more cause i cant fis it for them. That's what mom's are supposed to do right, fix everthing. I try to remember that kurts death isn't about us it's about him deserving to be on paradise and him doing whatever special task is set for him to do now. helps sometimes sometimes not.

Melissa oh honey i'm giving you a hug. Where do you go? Well i came here to this board I come everyday even if i don't post.And I know the scared little girl problem, Hang on to your kids. I often feel lost. I dont know where to turn or even where i am suposed to be at.Today is 5 months. I can't believe it has only been 5 months> It does get better.Just at your own pace.I didn't want to get rid of my husband's things either but seeing them everywhere was hard too. I have a chest like a hope chest that i keep the specail things of his in. some of his comfy clothes i have in my drawers.I sleep in his boxers and pj pants. It is all a proces I also have the inlaw problem. If you do not want to pay the bill then don't. s. After the funeral I had the flowers sent to my parents house because there were over fifty plants. I told his mother and sisters i would devide them up and give them all the ones that came from their people, One plant in particular my son wanted. He is 17 so this kinda surprised me. My mother in law called to ask that i bring that plant and one other one over because they were from people they knew. I was soo pissed. I didn't have to give them any and they were calling for 2 stupid plants. They even told some people that i knew they wanted them and i kept them anyway. It is just not worth it to fight. I tell my hubby everyday"I'm sorry that your gone but thank you for releasing me from them." Sometimes you just have to say screw them and be done even if it is hard. On another time I'll tell you gals abouthis neice and her sympathy ploy.you are not pathetic you are in pain. I hate needing help from anyone and when things get really bad here I say "hey hon how's paradise? Hope your enjoying it cause it sucks here!"Then i feel a little better.

I have just decided that my kurt would not want me to be sad all the time he always said if it gets bad just take a break from life and have a little fun evenif it is for only an hour.

So that's what im trying to do. I call my friends and go out once a month. Sometimes just a movie sometimes dinner. for that time i give myself permission to release and have fun.

OK now my question where is everyone going I know we were sending money for a fotki account but i can't remember where to send it and i don't even know where to go if i do send the money. I don't want to be lost out there so don't leave me behind.lol

[kathy51]

I just got back from a coping with the holidays service tonight....I drove my husbands brand new truck..I turned too quick and clipped the side of the garage and messed up his truck..Do I feel Bad? YES..I feel like such aloser..Kathy

[bsnurse76]

It has been 2 weeks since Darren passed. Every day is so difficult. I need to get back into school mode but it is hard. I have no motivation. I know he would want me to continue living and focus on school. I miss him so much. When does it start to not hurt so much? I either feel a lot of pain or just empty inside. I never thought at 30 I would experience something so devastating. I don't know what my life holds for me now. I thought I had it planned out and then this changed everything. I am so sad. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[airymoon]

kathy please dont feel bad. it really is just a truck. i'm sure if your husband were here he'd be ok with it. you are not a loser!

brandi please please dont rush yourself. I am only 39 and this wasn't what i had planned either. If you are not in the school mode than take a break. can you drop your classes and pick them up next semester? Yes he would want you to finish but not if it hurt too bad.I think your very brave. At 2 weeks i was still crying every hour and shocked when i saw his pictures. I was still waiting for him to walk in the door. One morning I even convinced my self and searched the house to find him. I stopped just sjort of calling his work and asking if he'd left yet. Actually dialed the number. It all takes time and if you rush it it will be worse when it catches up to you. Just let yourself feel what you feel and no pressure on yourself.

Becky

[bsnurse76]

I can take some time off from school, but I am in clinicals so I have to make it up in the end. I graduate at the end of May and start my new job in July so I can't go over to many weeks. I think I feel pressured to gain some control over my life. I tend to like to control situations and this is one I can't. I know I need to give it time. It is hard when you don't know what to expect. I know the feeling of wishing he would walk in the door. I was present when everything happen and had to do CPR on him, so I know in my mind he is gone. His family and I will hopefully find out the cause of death this week. I hope it will give me some closure on what was going on that evening. I am a registered nurse, so I have gone over every possible scenario. I know I did everything in my power but all of it happen so fast. I constantly question what would of happen if we were at the hospital. He was a healthy man. Played competitive softball for most of his adult life. Always mowing the lawn or doing work on properties. I never thought this would happen. I miss him so much. Thanks for everything. Brandi

[shakira1975]

ladies,

glad to be hear and glad to know i have you all to reash out to. i am so new to this, new to the sadness at times i dont know how to help myself. i have suffered loss before but this time it is much harder for me to deal with. i lost both my parent when i was 14. finally i had found that one person who belonged to me. after years of living from home to home with relatives. i felt like i had started creating MY life. i was in love and very happy. it was 6 weeks yesterday and i woke up and could not got out of the house. i was in bed. friends took me for dinner on friday and i felt their frustration with me grow. i didnt want to talk much. i just sat there. i went to the bathroom and cried alone (i cry alone and cant cry when people are around - not sure why). they have not been in touche since then because i think they are getting mad at me. they try and help but at this stage i dont think much that they say will help. even sitting there and having casual chats about the office, common friends does not take my mind of things. i have my own issues to deal with. its bad enough sitting there and knowing that i cant call him later to meet up and be with him like we did every friday night. he is never coming back and i cant handle that. i still get angry when i remember that and its all the time. my heart feels so sore and i cry myself to sleep. work is horrible for me now and i wish i could quit. but i would loose everything all in one go. i feel so sad because i wish i was pregnant. somehow. i even went to a drug store to buy a home kit but could not get one. i feel if had been i would have a sense of purpose. something to live for. i doubt i am. wishful thinking i guess. i find myself thinking of death a lot more. it does not sound like a bad idea at this stage. i mean should it happen naturally ofcourse. because i feel like there is something to look forward to in the end.

his family have chosen to ignore me since his death. they put up an ad for his memorial in the paper and i just saw it there like everyone else. i feel it may have helped to share the grief seeing as we were the closest people to him and would relate to what we felt but i guess not.... i will go to the service though, for him.

i have had all sorts of things said to me about how i will move on, find a man and be happy. i dont want to hear that right now. i dont think its fair to say that to me now anyway. it actually does not have any positive effect on me so i wish people would stop.

life seems bleek right now. i just want to be in my bed, at home, with my thoughts. i am not ready for the world. not alone like the way i feel right now. all of lifes goodness has been taken away.

ladies this is so hard for me right now....

[lauraa]

Good morning ladies:

I have been reading the recent post and I cn relate to what all of you are saying and feeling. It is all normal and it is a process we need to go thru. Please don't be hard on yourselves because it takes time. It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I am still in deep grieving. Mine situation is complicated. I know what it is like to be around people who say stupid things so I have learned to isolate myself and do what I need to do to get thru it. Friends and family have isolated themselves from me, too....I think it is all to much for them. God forbid anything like this happens to them, though....Whenever something even romotely close happens to someone, they always say, You were the first one I thought of, hum? It is lonely, but I have learned to live with that....I have spent 34 years with my husband and I was so deeply in love with him that it was down to the bone, in my sould....my heart! How do we go on? One day at a time...we do have to go thru it and all the pain. I decided that it was to much for my friends so I pretty much keep it with my therapist, who totally supports me....I sensed that people just couldn't "do it"....and that realization made me feel worse. I have lost someone who I considered my best friend (I was wrong) and that hurts which adds to my grieving. How could she be so selfish after I lost my husband and say to me that I wasn't there for her the last 5 years......I sat in hospitals rooms over night with her when she was panicked out of her mind.....I have realized that people don't know our pain and the isolation and despair of our grief....not unless it happens to them. I have even felt as if some people tried to minimize how I felt, ie. it could of been your child? We grieve as deeply as we loved.....maybe people don't love like we do?

You all hang in there and just know what you are feeling is part of the process. Keep talking about your feelings here because we all understand. All of it. There is no feeling here that would surprise me. I think when we suffer a loss like this we loose our zest for life. A part of us was ripped away and it really feels like part of our hearts was taken. Just remember they are closer to us than our own hearts. We were kindred spirits and soulmates forever....no matter what! There are so many stages we need to get thru and sometimes they come together, ie. anger and depression. Not pretty. And, if you were a positive person before and others around you see this, then I don't think they can handle it....which I think is totally lame. I am sick of excuses. Yes, in a way we are alone with our grief so we need to do what is best for ourselves and that is not selfish...it is survival.

Your all in my heart and prayers.

[aprilmoonflower]

shakira- if your freinds can't deal with you, so be it. but if they are getting mad at you over GRIEVING then they aren't your friends!!! it's sad in a way but in this situation all of us have kind of found out who are real freinds are. hang in there and keep coming here as we KNOW just waht you are going through! nobody can explain it or even comprehend it until they have lived it themselves.

lauraa- yeah people are so screwed up! my DH sister acted like she was my best freind after he died, for months...she then went on to tell me I'M the reason he is DEAD! people are so clueless. in my case SIL (Or who I refer to as my ex SIL as I will never acknowledge her or to my children) my DH would have NEVER treated her family this way had roles been reveresed. I won't ever speak to her again and she will never know my children. sad for her. good riddance for us. but we must protect ourselves from toxic narcisstic people! In my cse DH family! (this is just the tip of it) I think I could write a book on how nasty people can get after a death!

[mishknit]

hi shakira...

i am so sorry for your loss...i hate it every time i (we who have been here) have to welcome someone new.. but please know that you are welcome, and this is a safe and understanding place to talk and vent and whatever....we're here for each other.

i wanted to ask how it is that his family is taking care of the memorial, without your input, when you are his wife..it just makes no sense to me. I'm asking, you can answer or not, but again, if you need to vent..go for it!

take care,

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all,

I went to the hospital today to have an endoscopy for some stomach problems I have been having since DH passed away. They knew I have a hietal hernia after some other tests they just did a few months back, but they wanted to explore further. They found a polyp in my tummy and have sent it off to get biopsied. The doc said he didn't think it cancerous, but it is routine to send it out anyway. FINGERS CROSSED!!! Stomach cancer has taken two of my aunts on my mother's side, both in their late 30's.

As for mean, ugly family in-laws, I have those!!! I gave my permission for my SIL to sign some papers to have him transported to Wisconsin from Michigan to have his services there and be buried by his father (his wishes). She took full advantage of that and made most of the decisions herself. I had no say in it after that, as she paid for the funeral costs too!!! I have more horror on that later! It's late and I need to get to bed, I have to fly in the morning.

Shakira - the gals on here are great and a comfort to say the least!!! Keep coming back!!! I will spare the Happy Holidays to everyone, as I know they are sucking hind titty right now!!! We shall see how everyone fairs!!

Night all and God Bless!!!

Angel

[mishknit]

Angel..

every part of my body is crossed. hang in.

and yes....thanksgiving? for what?

(I know...lots of things..i'll find them, but i want to wallow too!)

michele

[darleneandhunter]

Melissa F -

Its been 10 months for me, and I get mad as HELL at him for leaving me alone to raise his son. I get mad as HELL at him for feeling lousy and arguing with him to go to a doctor, meanwhile, he refused. I get SELFISHLY mad as HELL at him for leaving me, period. So, don't feel like it's odd to get mad at him. I don't do it alot, usually when I have to change a light bulb or put together a piece of furniture I just bought. He always had much more patrience for it than I did, even if he didn't know one end of a screw driver from another...lol. I do laugh to myself alot. Silly things would happen that I *KNOW* he would have a good laugh over, and I just can't help chuckling to myself knowing what he would have done.

Airy -

It will be me you send the money to, but not yet. I need to have enough people to get the account set up and rolling. The more people we get that wants to do it, the less money we have to pay each. If we can get 9 people, besides myself, we would only have to pay 3 bucks each for the year. After that, I can just keep track of everything, and send out renewal notices. When the time comes, you will have no worries. if you have trouble with such things, I have no problem having you sending me the pics and doing it all for you. we can either do it through email, or you can send me the photos, I scan them into my comp, send you back your pics, and I will put them on the site in its own little folder. I can even set you up a journal, so you can write a more detailed picture of your life with him. You can be as personal as you choose to be. None of you here have to be comuter savvy, I am sure those of us who are can keep it all under control. Sometimes sites like this can be overwhelming, and it's best to leave it to those who can do it. Not to say I am some huge comp geek or anything, but you know...lol.

you can get to MY premium fotki account by going here:

members.fotki.com/Darcicles/

If you look at the welcome page, I created the background image myself by taking pics of some bushes. The montage can be made with nearly any pics on the site, and I can make it rotate through as many of them as we want. Take a look around to see how it is set up. Keep in mind, I do not journal much in there because I use it for photo sharing of my products more than anything else. You will have your own journal folder, your own photo folder, each with unlimited space for sub folders, etc. If you have links or videos to share, there's a place for that, too.

April -

Now girl, you have ENOUGH to do with your OWN grief and raising those kids all by yourself, you don't need to worry about someone else in the same boat. I may be having health problems, I only have one child, but its only par for the course for me, I'll get through it, I always do!

I think my friend Janet is going to help me, but not in my room. That's my domain, and thats also the domain that will get me in an emotional uproar. We have been discussing how to get this place organized. I know we have the big holday season coming up, but right after thanksgiving I plan on doing SOMETHING around here to get things going. I can only do a little at a time, but I guess a little is better than nothing. And, YES, I can lose my housing if things aren't up to their standards. I certainly don't have to be perfect, but it can NOT have it like THIS! I have have had inspections where I made sure the floors were vaccuumed, but I basically threw blankets over piles of clothes and they let it go...lol. I have shelving blocking windows, boxes and clothes all over the place, and I haven't vaccuumed in a month...lol. This is just out of control. If I can get Hunter's room under control, I'll have a place to store alot of things. Right now, its such a disaster that no one can even walk in it. He doesn't sleep in there anyway, so turning it into storage is the best thing right now. I have to go through all his toy buckets and find all the broken and out of date toys and get rid of them, whether I throw them away or donate the ones in good condition, it will free up so much space. I have this huge baker's rack between the bedrooms that has a ton of craft stuff on it, and we have to squeeze by it to get into either room. Housing will find that unacceptable. they will find his room unnacceptable, and my room, well, its a natural disaster...lol.

Angel -

I sincerely hope everything turns out OK for you. I won't compare apples and oranges, but we are going through some rough sh*t, aren't we?

Unfortunately, I know you didn't know this, but no matter WHO paid for the services, YOU were the only one who should have been making decisions for his funeral. Even though you gave her permission to sign SOME papers, it did NOT give her the right to just take over like that, money or no. You had the LEGAL right, not her, no matter what kind of stink she would have made. I know we are all vulnerable in this situation, so don't be hard on yourself. I went through a NIGHTMARE with Mark's mother, and had it not been for a long time friend, I would have given all the rights to his mother after she hadn't even spoken to him for FIVE YEARS prior to his death. We weren't legally married but we have a son. Because of that, in my state, if you are not married, your CHILD is your nearest living relative, NOT your mother. As soon as I found that out, I went behind her and pulled the rug right out from underneather her, being that our son is a minor. She went ballistic, but she could do NOTHING. She tried to get all his taxes, his SSI survivor benefits, even his belongings and final paycheck from his job, but couldn't touch it. I felt bad for his boss, because he felt like he was caught in the middle. I told him that the first person to show up with a death certificate could get those things from him, and he agreed. I knew, of course, she could not legally get his death certificate for 90 days. I was the ONLY person who could get that, because *I* was on the death certificate. I had 6 copies of it three days after his services...lol.

People's true selves rear their ugly heads when death shows up, especially those with control issues.

For all the new ladies -

Some people just can't handle the reality of death. Some of my friends are so afraid of talking about him in front of me because they don't want to see me get upset. my thought is, I cannot pretend he didn't exist, he was part of ME. We were together for 13 years, but time is irrelevant, and love transcends everything. At least one freidn chose to ASK me how *I* felt about bringing it up, and apparently, alot of people think it's too upsetting for me to talk about. It might be, but I *WANT* to talk about him.

People who have never experienced this kind of turmoil find it easy to tell you how things are supposed to turn out. Of COURSE it's easy for THEM, they don't know what you are going through.

Brandi -

Two weeks is so little time. If you don't feel up to it, by all means stay home. I was still in complete shock at two weeks out. Airy is absolutely right, do NOT rush yourself or let ANYONE tell you how or when to feel anything. There's a thing written in here somewhere, about grief, but to save searching through all these posts, I have it in my fotki photo account(link above), in my journal section. i think you should go read it, and print it out if need be. For me, it reassured me, supported me, and validated my feelings as a grieving human being.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

I just want to remind everyone:

Yesterday I had my appt. with my therapist and she reminded me of something. You all know that list of stressors, ie. out of work, having a baby, buying a house, etc...when they add up so does our stress level. The list goes on and on.

Well, #1 on the list is, Loss of a spouse in a "loving" marriage.

#2 is loss of a spouse in a "not loving" marriage.

Remember, we have all been broadsided with so much in loosing our husbands or soon to be husbands and with that comes all the other stressors on the list. Keep that in mind and try and take really good care of yourselves.

With Love.

P.S. This does suck hind titty!

[shakira1975]

to all those who have no been feeling well lately, hope you all get better soon. these are the challenges life poses. but if we can smile and pick ourselves up despite them, we are doing mighty fine. i know some things seems so petty after the kind of pain we have all had to go through. but we need to be kind to ourselves still.

i cant tell you how much strength i have derived by just reading posts everyday. this is the one time i feel better during the day. its such a daunting task to go through the day and remain sane, with all these thoughts, regrets, wishes and sadness in the heart.

michele to answer your question, we were getting married this december. so to the family i was known and i was his half for the last 4 years. and we were together to the very end, and they had no problems with me doing all the running around. i rang them to tell them he had passed on because they were at home sleeping. but im cast out now. im okay though. i had seen through them a long time ago and so i know their sort. just hurts that i cant have closure through all this. its the petty things you want to do for him that they deny you a chance to do. and these are the very last things we will all do for him.

[mishknit]

I'm so sorry shakira...that really does suck....and with your weddin so near. Some people are just plain jerks..it sounds like that includes his family.

Do you have friends that were just the two of yours? i think if i were in your position, i'd just have another memorial, all my own, inviting those people who cared about him, and make it what you want it to be.

Just a thought!

Well, today is, again, the 21st...worst day of each and every month. 10 months today, and it feels like years and it feels like a minute....god i miss that man.

peace all,

michele

[manda14]

Shakira,.....I felt like I was reading a story of my own life.

I too was with my guy for 4 years. His family accepted me as his partner and his future. His Mother gave me family jewelry that was suppost to be passed down. That meant a lot to me and made me feel very welcome. Things changed. We had just moved into a new condo 2 months before he passed and because I could not afford to pay the mortgage on it by myself ( and other family things)He decided to leave it to his Mom. Somehow to her and her other son, that means everything INSIDE the condo too. All the furniture that Mark and I bought together all the dishes, and accessories..BLAH,BLAH,BLAH. The other son( who I have never really gotten along with) is totally against me having anything. Also, his family decided every detail of the funeral...without even a thought about me ...or Mark even. I knew he didn't want a typical funeral, he would have wanted more of a celebration, but they went ahead and did it anyway. I agree that you should have your own ceremony or party or whatever makes YOU happy. It's all bout what helps you now. Do whatever you need and if you don't include some people...so be it. . I think this kind of thing awlays happens in situations of loss. It's very unfortunate but it happens. You just need to decide what is most important to you. I have decided to give in to them on a few things, but fight like hell for what I really need...In the end..you have to take care of yourself, no one else.

Darlene...I would like to join this fotki thing..please add me to your list and I will send you $$ whenever you need it.

Amanda

[rodless]

It is disheartening to see so many new people here.. I am sorry for all of your losses. Death seems to bring out the worst in some people and the best in others. Sometimes you wonder why or how they are that way. Another hard learned lesson in life on earth, I guess.

I am off tomorrow morning for 4 days in Kansas City with my kids, mom and brother's family. I hope to have a nice (if not happy) holiday and I wish you all the same. Things will never be as they were the last years, so they might as well be really different. Mary Jo

[missingcurtis]

With Thanksgiving just around the corner and forever on my mind, I just wanted to say a few words tonight.

We were married on a sunny Thanksgiving day in 1969. And for as many years as I can remember we always had a 4-day weekend every year to celebrate.

Our anniversary was not always on Thanksgiving but we always remembered we were married on that day and then celebrated on the real day.

This year however will be different. Of course, he is gone but I only get one day off. That might prove to be good in the long run. I will have the weekend off than will work on Monday the anniversary day. I just hope I can make it 8 hours.

And of course I won't hear from his family. What happened to 36 years of being a part of it? Oh well, I am making new friends and new memories. I just miss Curtis so much on some days I think my heart will break all over again.

Enjoy Thanksgiving Day where ever you are and keep your loved ones memory alive.

Debbie..........Missing Curtis

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- yeah I get mad sometimes too. I have to control myself for the kids sake though! btw the folkti acct. sounds cool! I will chip in $$ but I am pretty broke until after xmas!

shakira-that is so awful that you were in the middle of planning your wedding. I am so sorry. nothing I can say will make it easier but you will be ok. it will take some time and you'll NEVER be the same again. but you WILL be ok I promise. all of us here are proof that life does go on. regardless of how painful it is. just take it one day at a time for now. and remember your man loves you and doesn't want you to be sad. I know it doesn't help much but sometimes it does a little. it's just learning how to live without them that's so hard..especially at first.

Mary Jo- Have a safe trip and a peaceful holiday!!!

btw I think I have everything straightened out with the yahoogroup and the group beyond_widowhood_too. if you want to join the group you can email me at az _ mama @ hotmail . com (no spaces)

[kathy51]

Every year for 34 years we have gone to Stan's folks home for Thanksgiving..On Friday we spent with my folks...We live in North Carolina and we made this trip every year to Georgia and Alabama.Today as I am preparing to go without him for the first time ever....I am deeply sadden...because he cant go with us not ever again...He was always the one with the video camera in your face or the one with a funny joke.....He will be missed by all this year....I don't know how I am going to get thru this Thanksgiving..but I am going to try my best for my kids...( I probably will be the one that breaks down and ruins everyones good time)I will do the best I can...That is all I can do....Hre is a background on my loss...Stan..husband of 34 years....51 years old...died while jogging in a park of sudden cardiac arrest ..june 7th while on vacation..never sick..no symptons..just fell dead....2 children..2 grandchildren and one on the way....They are babies..they will never Remember him..and he did love those babies..As you all are on here...we are in a lot of pain....I hope that one day this tightness in my chest and this knot in my stomach will ease up....Grief is hard work..it takes a toll on you emotional and physically...Take good care of yourselves and I pray God will comfort you all....Kathy

[airymoon]

Ok hi all. I had a post all typed up and even posted it on the 19 that was the five month mark for kurt. It said posted but it's not on here. So.............life is life i guess. I'm sorry for all your problems wiht your inlaws Lord knows ive had mine. They never wanted us to get married in the first place and his neice who was supposed to think of him as her favorite uncle has pulled some crap too. Well I hope Thanksgiving goes well for you. We will be out of touch and out of town for the next 5 days. I think we have all agreed that for a while thankgiving doesn't exist.

Angel I am praying for you and keeping my fingers crossed. I am sending my love and support to you all!

Becky

[shakira1975]

good people,

the last two days were seeming good. i left a bit of my old self coming back. i shocked myself when i realised i was singing to myself as i drove to work the other day. i dont listen to the radio yet, just cant turn it on so the singing was so obvious. today though was a different day, i cried so hard at a car workshop ladies room. i had taken my car to have it serviced. and found myself waiting for two hours to be taken to work with their pool vehicle which took forever to get there. i felt my heart getting sore, and i knew i couldnt take it and rushed out. he would have been here to pick me up. he would have been 10 minutes late sure, but would have made up for it the moment i got into his car with a funny tale of why he was late and i would be laughing before i knew it. i have to start doing these things by myself now. from nowhere. i knew if he could see me he would have been sad because i felt so helpless. i went through my phone and could not find a single friend who i could call and expect them to be there in a flash like he would. so i just decided not to and waited more. i felt angry.

thats the reality of my new life that im failing to deal with. death is so final and thats so painful when you know that you will not get another chance. i realised today that i NEED to adjust. to now, to today. to this life where he is absent. who deserves this?

i hope the day gets better, for us all. that we still find a reason to smile and carry on.

[darleneandhunter]

shakira, Airy, Amanda and me, thats 4 so far. I need a minimum of 9 besides myself to get this rolling. Don't worry, it can wait until after the holidays. Just like everyone else, even if its only a couple of bucks, I want to wait until after the holidays myself. Meanwhile, whoever wants in, just get your files and thoughts together. Like I said before, I have no problem with either having you send me photos and telling me what you want done, and I'll do it. Once this freakish holiday season is over, I can concentrate on setting up the site for us, and taking payments either through money orders or paypal. my paypal also accepts credit cards.

When we get enough people, we have to decide on what we will call it. I can ask the moderator if we could use beyond indigo in our name, or if it would be copywrite infringement if we do.

Shakira -

Understanding that he was part of who you were is hard. Returning to the "old" you might not be an option. I considered myself an extremely independant person, with my own thoughts, my own ideas, and my own life seperate from his, but I found out so much differently when he died. Without me knowing it, he becamae part of who I am. He always let me be me, but he was always there, always influencing me at every turn. I know with me, the person I was when Mark was alive is now gone. I am still me, but not the SAME me. It's been 10 months, and I have yet to figure out who I am WITHOUT Mark. "Normal" is irrelevant. I have a "normal" life, in the sense that I am raising our son, doing day to day things. I get up, I get him dressed for school, I go shopping, I take care of things, but I am doing it in a perfunctory way. If that's "normal", then thats what I am. But being ME is a bit harder to figure out. It's a slow process, but it does happen. I am noticing it now, where just a few months ago, I couldn't even see me LIVING this far past his death. YK?

It's all so new for you, I think the shock hasn't really worn off yet. As I am finding, my friends are slowly coming around. There are several reasons they disappear, I think them being faced with mortality is one of them. I also think they aren't sure what to say. They don't want to see you in pain, so they think the best way to deal with it is to avoid it altogether. Avoiding it isn't the best thing. I cannot avoid bringing my Mark up in a convo, he was part of my life for 13 friggin years! I can't just pretend he didn't exist. I think sometimes people need to be reminded of that. I felt the same thing you did for months, and about the 6 month time frame, people slowly started calling me or coming by. I even got a card from one of them, just asking how I was and saying they'd been thinking of me.

The sun does shine eventually, you just have to keep up hope.

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi ladies,

Wishing you all peace today.

We aren't doing much. We have no family in state and our freinds live far away too. Oh since I just got our SSA payment yesterday we are going grocery shopping! why not? we have nothing better to do anyway and walmart is open 24hours.lol. I will cook something special for dinner but being vegetarian and all it won't be turkey! (It will be 2 dishes DH used to make) I am making a tree of thanks with my 2yo later on too (the baby will try to help too) the rest of the day will be spent outside, as it's still in the 80's here!

I hope everyone gets through the day!

[lindat]

Hi Ladies, So many new people, sorry that you are suffering, but glad that you found us. I haven't posted in awhile, my birthday was yesterday, the big 60. Terry turned 60 a couple of years ago and I really went all out, he promised to do the same for mine - it was a lonely day. Being in sunny southern CA, my family is having an outside Thanksgiving day picnic. My ex and his wife will be there along with 3 of my children and their families. I would give anything to skip this one, but I know my kids would be disappointed and not understand. Since it has been 10 months and they have rightfully gone on with their lives, my loss is ancient history. I had hoped to go home to MS after Christmas but the house still hasn't been started. My daughter hired a lawyer to hopefully inspire the builder to start utilizing the $65,000 construction advance he received after Katrina - my fear is that he already spent it and their money is gone. Since he lost everything in Katrina also there wouldn't be much to sue for. I am really weary of living out of my car and not having any personal space. Since there are still people in tents in MS, I guess it could be much worse. I hope each of you finds some measure of peace today - I must go and find my happy face...

Darlene - you can count me in also. I was a power seller on eBay (lindamh0 is my ID) up until 10 months ago, I am trying to get it going again for money to spend for the holidays, but my heart just isn't in it much any more. I have a paypal account and can send money whenever you let me know the amount. By the way, not sure if it helps, but I am a webmaster and have lots of space (gigabytes even) on my server that you are welcome to use if you ever need to, free of charge of course.

When I get really down about my situation, I remember what you are going through and it keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. Hope you and Hunter have a good day today. Linda