I Miss Him So...

[bsnurse76]

Rhonda-Thank you so much for your wonderful words. Darren passed on 11-4-06 (my 30th birthday and the day before his birthday) I was with him when he started feeling bad and had to do CPR on him. That night plays over and over in my head. I am just hoping the autopsy report will give me some closure on what was going on that evening. I want to know there was nothing else I could of done. The guilt at times is unbearable. I know you have been through a very difficult time. It is comforting to be able to vent here and have others that can relate to what I am feeling. Thank you again. Brandi

[missinmyhubby]

I have been in a funk the last few days....I miss you terribly....I have news for you that I want to tell you. I didn't let you down....I made it through the worst of the grief, I kept our family intact, I found happiness again because I knew you wouldn't want me to be sad, but most of all, I went back to flying, and now, I just got offered the flying job that I have wanted for soooo long. We worked so hard to get me here, and now I am here without you...But, I made it!!!!! For you, I didn't give up!!!!!

[mishknit]

Angel....

sounds like you got your wings!!!

i don't understand it all, would love to hear the whole story...but congrats!

Michele

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

To the new ones, I am sorry for your loss and for your first Christmas alone. Last year, my husband died just before Christmas and at his funeral the minister read the poem "My First Christmas In Heaven". I thought I would post it on here.

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away; we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even knowing Curtis is with Jesus it still makes Christmas hard for me. I have been very depressed this week and even though I have family here (5 sisters and their families)I feel alone. I am looking forward to Spring and for it to stay light longer. I think the dark so early makes me depressed.

I do wish that each and everyone of you have a Christmas filled with Memories of your missing loved ones.

Debbie.......Missing Curtis..........

[armaiti]

Blessings to everyone,

I'm here in Pennsylvania, I made it ok yesterday with no delays and a very easy set of flights. It is good to be here. Ishaq's family are all very deeply spiritual people, each with eclectic paths much like my own. His first stepmother is here, too, as she is still close to the family, and he is a Sufi as well.

We always do a grace before we eat, and this morning we played a recording of Ishaq sining "The Cherry Tree Carol" for our blessing. It was hard for his dad to hear, as it was the first time he had heard his son's voice, I think, since Ishaq passed away. But he said even though it was hard, that it felt good to hear him.

I'm glad I'm not spending Christmas at home, but here. We are all sharing stories of how Ishaq's passing has affected us, how our spiritual paths have grown because of it. I have to admit, I feel a little guilty sometimes posting here. So many of you lost your partners in tragic ways - murder, long illness, suddenly for no reason. I hope I don't offend anyone talking about my spiritual path, and how it's grown since Ishaq moved on. I know my religion may be a little different to hear about for many of you, but everyon has been so kind and accepting here I've felt comfortable talking about it. I called my own dad and stepmom before I left and realized I wasn't comfortable talking with them about the things I'm going through now. I just said I'm doing ok and left it at that.

So I will hold all of you in my prayers during this Christmas season and beyond. Today is the Winter Solstice, and I am happy the days will get longer again. Oregon winters can be really depressing. I miss Ishaq's physical presence still every day, but I feel his presence in his new form walking with me, maybe not all the time, but often. And I believe all of your partners can see you and send you love, from the space they are in now.

Love,

Anna Armaiti

[mishknit]

Anna.....

we all walk different paths, I love hearing about all of them....i take what i can and am happy the other stuff works for whoever is posting...just like in real life.

Glad you made it to PA.

My husband sang too..i have several recordings of his voice...3 of which i put onto a CD that i gave as Christmas gifts this year...it was out tradition to send out a Christmas cd each year. We have many talented friends, and each year we would put something on that a friend sang. tom would NEVER put himself on...my son and i made up for that this year. Our whole CD was dedicated to Tom..his life and loss, and it turned iut beautifully. But I am especially grateful for the sound of his glorious voice singing.

I am really having a hard time as we get closer to christmas....i just want it to be over so badly, and there is so much to do, or at least it feels like there is so much to do. I bought itunes gift cards at the grocery store today...very convenient, and now those people will have presents, because, otherwise they may not have. I want to put my head under the covers and sleep and never get up...or at least wait until next week. But then there's new years....a new year that tom isn't alive in, and then there will be the i year anniversary......

i am feeling pretty desperate here. I have good friends surrounding me, and am very lucky, cuz i don't know how i'd get thru this if i didn't.

and, of course, i

am so grateful i can come on here and rant and rave....always feel better after i get it out.

peace,

michele

[rodless]

I did the ranting & raving thing last night. Today is better but can't wait until the whole thing is over, new years and all. Not that we ever celebrated is a very big way, just the overdone sensationlism of the whole things gets to me. Put on my "game face" today and am ho ho hoing with the best of them. I saw a hat in a convenience store with a scowly face that said Merry Freaking Christmas but didn't think the library board would approve so wore my light up singing Santa tie instead. Hang in there.. it will be over soon. Mary Jo

[susanbruce]

Merry Freaking Christmas....my Bruce would have worn that hat in a heart beat. He may have even changed the wording a little bit!!! That was just his way. He loved making people laugh. He would come up with some zingers when the moment got tense or awkward.

Anna, I feel his presence more and more too. It makes me feel comfortable and safe knowing he's there. Have fun in PA - I have family in NW PA - near Erie.

Soon, very soon I am going to have a beautiful grandchild come in my life. Our daughter found out that she was expecting about 2 weeks after her Daddy died. This child is going to know and grow to love his Grandpa - I will make sure of that.

2007 - the first year without him in it. At least he spent some time here in 2006.

My best to you all. Everyone is in my prayers. Thank the Lord for this site. Susan

[catwoman32]

Debbie, thanks for posting that poem. Me and my family really needed that. We can all use a little boost with the holidays for sure. I had to go to my step-sister's house for one of our family get togethers tonight. It was fun, but still so hard to be there. When it was all over while everyone else was looking around my step-sister's million dollar home, I had to make my exit. I just didn't want to hear anymore, Oh I am so sorry's. It drives me crazy to be at home, but then I can't wait to get back to it. I know it must sound crazy. But oh well, guess we just have to do what feels best for us during this time in our lives. I will keep praying for us all as I do everyday. Hope your families find some peace during this season that is meant to be wonderful. Good evening! Rhonda

[airymoon]

Anna-- You are so blessed to have such a loving family. I think the idea of sharing how Ishaq's passing has effected your livesis great. I think it is a beautiful idea and i wish i could talk to his family that way but they never fully accepted me and we were married 21 years. I really admire your strength and devotion. I don't know anything about your religion but i would love to learn more. I believe in God but i don't neccesarily believe in church. i have my own ideas about God and his expectations and most of my feelings do not match the church's but they feel so right to me that i can't change them just to please the church.

Susan--congratulations on your grandchild! I bet you will see your bruce in the baby. I have a theory it started when my daughter was born she had personality traits of my grandmother and brother in law (related only by marriage) right form the beginning. My husband and i talked about it and we came up with the idea hat children are born withtheir own soul but it is not complete. All the loved ones that are in your life and have died are there when the child is born and each one touches the baby as it comes into the world leaving a piece of their soul with the child. And when the child takes their first breath all the pieces are absorbed into their soul. Not everybody agrees with it but i like the idea because that means part of my husband will be in our grandchildren.

Mary Jo-- I would love a hat that says Merry Freakin Christmas. Even better if it lit up in flashing lights. Oh and maybe said a HO HO FREAKIN HO. i'd really like that.

I also feel my husbands presence. I did some shopping today and twice i turned around because I thought someone was standing really close behind me. The second time i realized that was where kurt would stand if we were shopoing together and i almost felt his hand on my shoulder. I was having a hard time until then. After that i felt so calm and at peace. I still am not looking forward to Christmas but I just need to get through it and then I'll be fine.

Stay strong everyone,

Becky

[lauraa]

To all my friends:

I know this time is not easy and all our feeling are amplified. Please take extra care of yourselves thru these very difficult days. Jan. 2nd is just around the corner and it will be behind us. Just try and feel your loved ones around you because I know they are. Please you all.

[mishknit]

thank you laura....

i am having a day of not being able to syop crying..and there's still tomorrow and the next day....

it is so loaded, this time of year. I just wanted to second the idea of being safe and please reach out, the board is here, our friends are here.....

i know we want our loves, but....

anyway, peace to all. i for one will be on here a lot over the next few days....i hope to see all of my new friends, safe, and present, even if not happy.

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Michelle - I am holding you and all the others in my prayers and practices. Our beloveds are still with us, looking over us, I truly believe this, even if we can't see them...

Becky - I've felt Ishaq touch me too, at times, so I think it was Kurt touching you. There are so many places beyond our realms of understanding that I feel if we can stay open we can receive the blessings and love of our partners even though they aren't in a bodily form anymore.

Today I walked around the ponds here and asked Ishaq if he was near me, could he give me a sign. And just then, the sunlight glinted off something to my right, and I went over and it was a lovely polished fresh water clam shell from the pond. But not muddy and dull like the others that I found later. This one was clear and the light shone silver. My Native American friends say that we receive signs through nature if we are open to seeing them, and I have tried to remain open and not let my skeptical mind belittle what my heart knows to be true.

I'm not saying this is easy. They brought the tree back today and I went upstairs and just cried for a while because I remember how much Ishaq loved to go get the Christmas tree with his family, he was like a little kid all excited to pick the perfect (and often much too large) tree. I miss hiim terribly but I also feel him near me in a new way, and I find comfort that he is no longer suffering from his diabetes and is on a new mystical journey of discovery, without a body that caused him constant discomfort and pain.

Today is his sister's birthday and we celebrated her day, but Ishaq was also part of the memories. There is a lot bittersweet here for the whole faimly, but I am grateful that I am here, that Ishaq gave me this gift of his family to take care of me when he wasn't here in his body to do it.

Again, my love and prayers to you all - in our Sufi practice we have a practice of recitng different attributes of the divine. One is "Ya

Shaffee, Ya Khaffee" - God/Divine is the healer and the rememdy. I hold all of you in my thoughts as I do this practice, and wish you all healing through these next difficult days and into the new year.

Love,

Anna Armaiti

Anna

[darleneandhunter]

Hey ladies!

I have been busy, but this time its busy with real things. I actually spent a good long time writing my will. Thanks so much for the link to the legal forms, it helped so much! I have three copies printed out on bonded archival paper. All I have to do is gather my witnesses and get them notarized. Easy, since my bank does it for free.

I don't even know why I bother.

Today started out rather well, all things considered. I got up at a reasonable hour. We breezed through getting the living room picked up and vaccuumed. I made myself presentable to the world. My aunt called, accepting our invitiation to go to my father's little Christmas party tomorrow evening. We gathered our good and chattles and headed out to the canal.

That's where everything started going wrong. I had to stop at my aunt's to drop off something. Fine. I get back in the van and I had to pee. No biggie, I figured I could hold it til we find a gas station. Accept, there were no gas stations with BATHROOMS for miles, and I completely forgot about the mobile on 28. Ended up having to go to the wareham stop and plop next to wally, and it took me 20 minutes to find a friggin parking space, JUST SO I COULD PEE. Fine. I got to pee finally. I get back on the road, and right by the Borne rotary, my sugar starts sliding down. I figure I would find a Dunkies before crossing the Sagamore. I get to the other end, and HOLY **** BATMAN, the entire landscape has changed! SO **** it, I just make my way across the bridge, there will probably be one in Sandwich near the canal anyway. Nope. I ended up at the Stop n Plop over there for some muffins and milk. The marina is practically across the street from there, so I had to convince Hunter NOT to eat his muffin before I shoot video of us doing our thing, meanwhile, I am eating one in front of him! It was just so he didn't get full of chocolate, because I got him a chocolate muffin. I promised he could eat it as soon as we were done. He finally agreed, and we went over to the little area that I used to often go fishing, and my son got to fish there with my dad this summer. I was able to set up the camera and take video of Hunter and I with our little tins of Mark's ashes. Great. We didn't stay long because guess what? I had to friggin PEE again! I made it to the Dunkies on the other side of the Sagamore bridge that I couldn't get to before.

SO, the fiasco is over. So I think.

I get home, and I don't see my tree lights. I knew we turned them on before we left. We get in the house, and the tree is tipped over onto the floor. At first, I actually started laughing. I even got the cam out and started taping. Hunter couldn't figure out why I was laughing until I mentioned how Mark HATED Christmas trees. He had little choice but to put up with me decorating one every year, even though I am not christian...lol. He was into the whole gift giving thing, but the tree was like nails on a chalk board to him...lol. I was just thinking this might be his way of showing me his continuing disdain for holiday trees.

Now, some might attribute this to pets. Well, I don't have any. There was no one else in the house, and it's only Hunter and I that live here. The tree was wedged in between the couch and the TV. It's been like that since the first weekened in December. It wasn't moved or touched at all.

My original plan for the day was to do pretty much what we did up until that point. We were supposed to come home, start dinner, and have a little tiny cake I had purchased and stuck in the freezer earlier this week. Janet and Emmy were supposed to come over so we could exchange gifts. As I tried to put the tree back in order, I started getting annoyed. It's an artificial tree, and I couldn't see to get the sections back together. The lights wouldn't come back on. Hunter started in with his crying. Janet and Emmy arrived, and helped me get the tree back standing, but I ended up taking ALL the lights and decorations off of it to figurwe out why the lights weren't working. After that, I just had Hunter put all the decorations aside and we all exchanged gifts. Janet got me a mini sewing machine. Its kinda neat. I had seen one at wally, and debated on getting one. I am not a seamstress, but it would come in handy for taking up hems on Hunter's pants, and a few other minute projects that are too big for hand sewing. Janet got Hunter a stand for his keyboard, but as I started putting it together, it was screwed up. One of the set screws was jammed into the bottom and was stripped. I had to box it all back up and have Janet take it back home with her so she could exchange it for a new one. And of course, Hunter starts with the tears again.

Janet and Emmy leave, and I sit down to try and figure out this little sewing machine. It took a while, but I finally got it threaded. It came with a little adaptor, so I got this bright idea of putting a label on all the adaptors in the house, so we wouldn't have to go through every single one of them to find the right one for whatever it is we need it for. All this time, I had a sheet of blank labels in the video cabinet. For weeks, they had been slipping out of it, and I was constantly telling Hunter to put them back in it. Now that I actually WANTED them, they were no where to be found. While he looked for the labels, he had found the adaptor to his keyboard, which is why I really needed to get those labels. I started tearing through the cabinet, and sure enough, they weren't there. By this time, I had had it. It was 7 pm, and I hadn't even started dinner. Hunter was still crying, so I just gave up and went to my room. I got undressed and crawled in bed. Of course, Hunter is still blubbering on about the tree, the cake, and dinner. Then he wants me to load the new CD rom that Janet gave him so he could play insane aquarium on his comp. I was in no mood. I told him to just put all the ornaments back on the tree and we would have dinner when he was done. He cried the entire time. I couldn't handle it any more, so I told him to just go make a pizza. He cried through making it, he cried through eating it........

I finally just had to make him come to bed. I couldn't take it any more. I was supposed to finish a gift tonight, but I just couldn't. My head was pounding, and all I listened to for several hours was Hunter blubbering away.

We both fell asleep for a few hours. I got up just a little bit ago to have something to eat. I figured I might as well get some of my frustrations out. I was supposed to make some veal parmagian(frozen) with some pasta for dinner. It was one of Mark's favorites. Not the frozen kind, but yea. I used to make him a special dinner every year for his birthday. Last year I made him Chicken in white wine sauce, lemon orzo and fresh green beans, one of the few vegetables he liked. I made him a chocolate chiffon cake from scratch. I just didn't have the heart or the energy to pull something like that off this year, especially since he is DEAD. I just wanted to do a little something to remember his birthday, that's all. He would have been 37. With some annoyance, we made it to the canal to spread some of his ashes, but we never got to have dinner.

Although the tree incedent was comical at first, it only added to my frustration. It ultimately led to me curling up in bed, all alone, crying.

Well, Happy Un-Birthday, Mark. I miss you terribly. Life is just so miserable without you here.

That's why I said, I don't even know why I bother.

The year is almost over. Someone wake me when it's over.

I made a video of our little adventures. You will all actually get to see fat ole' me in it...lol.

[starchild]

Good Morning Ladies: I haven't been here in a while as the pace of life has picked up and I have to be about the business of it. But I still read often and my heart goes out to all the new members of this club. Please be patient with yourselves. This journey is a spiral stairscase. It seems like you're just going round and round, but eventually you do get somewhere. When I got here almost a year ago, I was in the worst pain possible. I could'nt understand why the man I just married was dead and I was left here to hurt like this. But in time I have built a new type of relationship with my husband. He's always in my heart and sometimes in my mind's eye. I can't really explain it. As you can imagine I would give anything to interact with him on an earthly level. But is what it is. He's with the Lord now and I know I have to let him go. I just don't want to. It's Christmas Eve and I'm missing him a little extra today. It's the first one since he passed. He loved Christmas and It's hard going through the motions without him. The shopping for the kids and cooking together and doing worship. I miss his smile and the laughter and him worrying me about his present and teasing me about mine. But I thank God for the of gift my husband. R.I.P. Stanley, I love you.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Here's praying a measure of peace to all of you and your families for the holidays. Luv

[lauraa]

Hey everyone:

My puter has a virus so I am sneaking on my son's laptop which he isn't happy about. Just checkin' in. It is almost over......I had a meltdown last night. Locked myself in my room and let it all out. Then took a long hot bath. Not I am in faking mode for my kids. I am academy award material.

Peace to all my friends here and know we are all in the same boat. Breathe!

Your all in my prayers.

[judy58]

Hello everyone,

May God bless you all through our journey. May the peace of the season somehow give us all hope for a brighter future. Debbie, thank you for the poem. I shared it with my step-sons and grandchildren and it really helped us all. I know my husband is spending this Christmas with Jesus and that is truly the ultimate Christmas gift. May we all gain strength through the knowledge that someday we will share Christmas with Jesus and all our loved ones.

Peace and love to all of you.

Missing my Terry so much. I love you babe. Merry Christmas.

[rodless]

I guess I would have to describe myself as empty. Just cannot get in the spirit of anything although I did go to church this morning (my mother was here.) The closest I came to feeling content was walking the dog at the cemetery. I think I will go do it again before daylight is over. My mom went home until tomorrow and my daughter won't be coming until late tonight so I'll have some time to myself. Right now that seems to be the best. I just miss him so much... not that today is any rougher than 2 months ago or next week will be.... just empty.

I'm so sorry for those of you who are having a hard time and so glad for those of you who have found some measure of comfort in family and friends. Thinking of you all. Mary Jo

[missinmyhubby]

Just dropping in to say hello and say that each and everyone of you are in my prayers tonight....the old and the new. God bless us all!!!!

Angel

Michele - thanks for the kind words..I will fill you in on the flying job here soon. ((HUGS))

[bsnurse76]

I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I know this is a difficult time for all of us. May God give all of us the strength to get through this holiday season. Everyone is in my thoughts and prayers. Darren, I miss you and love you so much. Brandi

[lindat]

Thinking of all of you tonight and hoping that all of us find some joy tomorrow, even if for just a moment. I will be glad when these holidays are over, but I will be really glad to get past the 17th of Jan - the day that my Terry died. I always thought that was the day that I would be better, but now I know that I will never be better, but hopefully I will learn to deal with it differently in time. Good description Mary Jo, empty is exactly how I feel. Laura, I will be in "faking mode" tomorrow, but hopefully some of it will be real and hopefully I will get through the day without a major meltdown. Michele, I really hope today was better for you... Anna, your words bring me comfort. Debbie, thank you for the poem. I wish that we all will feel some hope and peace on this day of rejoicing.

[mishknit]

well...

just got home from a really nice, small nChristmas eve party, My family all come over for lnch today, with all the cousins..it has been a very nice day..as opposed to yesterday, when i could not stop crying. I've had my moments today, but have aslo been distracted a lot, which is good. Now I'm home....my son is in bed, I just stuffed his stocking with little "santa" gifts (even at 14, he loves that stuff!), and am just trying to wind down enough to go to sleep...or, rather, to face going to bed, alone, tonite.

I am sending out such strong vibes of peace and comfort to you all tonite...I know how I feel, and so I know how all of my friends here feel too. I'm sure I'll be on here tomorrow....all the partying is done here. Just my son and i tomorrow....we will probably go see a couple movies and hang.

18 years ago tonite, actually, right about now.....we were calling the friends we had spent christmas Eve with. Tom was playing the Hallelujah Chorus over the phone..because they were all waiting to hear if i said "YES' to his proposal. I did....i still would.

And Linda..i'm looking forward to getting past the 21st of january...that's my year day..and darlene isright in there too. Looks like we're in for a bumpy ride.

peace to you all

michele

[lindat]

Michele, so glad that you are doing a little better today. Actually, I was thinking today about our first Christmas together - 1985. We have 14 children between us and it was the first time that I really realized what it means to do Christmas for that many kids He asked if I would like to assemble the bicycles or wrap the gifts, I chose to wrap - it was overwhelming. Many hours later when we were exhausted and finished, he looked at the stacks, 14 of them - as even as could be - and he said "something is missing!!" Frustrated, I insisted that everything was wrapped and accounted for and he said I should check the bed one more time - lo and behold, my gift was among the covers, a beautiful necklace and I cried. I was so tired and ready to rethink the whole deal when he gave me the most special gift I had ever seen. So many years since, but so little time. We thought we would have forever.... I remember thinking after he died that I was so glad that we told each other daily how much we loved each other and there were no unresolved issues. I know now that none of that matters - the more you heard and said it, the more you miss it. We may not have had unresolved issues, but there are things every day that I need to share with him. It still seems so unreal and unfair and unjust, but I need to find the way to some peace. He would want and expect that from me, but I know now that he/we had no idea how hard that would be. This is really hard, (really, really hard) as all of us know. I wish, I wish, I wish - it does no good.

[missingcurtis]

Sending out some (((HUGS))) to each and everyone.

I went to church Sunday morning and then went to eat with one of sisters. Then I spent the afternoon in bed. I am just having a hard time facing Christmas alone again.

Today I supposed to go to one of my sisters to eat. I just can not make myself get into the mood. I plan to go to the cemetery here pretty soon. Maybe that will get my butt in gear. I just don't want to drag other people down and I don't want to put on a happy face and fake it.

I really had hoped to hear from some of his family. But they are all busy and I guess they don't miss their brother. Sad how families are. I must be the only one in the whole world who misses him.

Debbie.............Missing Curtis

[armaiti]

Debbie - so sorry that the rest of the family isn't being supportive of you at this time! I think maybe that's one thing we can do for each other here - try to help fill in those gaps. I know every time I hear about your experiences, on some level it is like I can feel it in my heart. So even though I didn't know your Curtis, I know you, at least through this list, your stories and experiences about him and about your losing him.

Michele - I'm wearing a necklace today that Ishaq gave me years ago, and a velvet top he gave me as well. It helps me connect with him. I went for a walk donw to the ponds before we started our various family processes, one of which was an honoring of Ishaq, with each person here telling how his passing has affected them. I wasn't sure I was ready for it, but the walk helped. Then we sang one of his songs, and had some eggnog. I handed out the calaenders I made of family pictures, each month a different one, but all with him in each one. They all were really happy to get those. I am so grateful that he gave me a digital camera one year for Christmas, because it means I have all these images of him.

Tonight I'll lead the family in a Sufi tradition that Ishaq led each year, the practice of zikr, which means Remembrance. And I will remember all of you and hold you in my heart and hope you all find strength to get through the rest of today, and continue to feel the presence of your beloveds in your lives, whether that be memories, dreams, pictures, songs, your children, or any other way of remembrance that works for each one of you.

Peace and Love and Blessing to you all,

Anna Armaiti

[armaiti]

An addendum and apology - the necklace story was supposed to be directed to Lindat, sorry! but also for all of you...sometimes I lose track when I'm going back and forth to the previous postings.

Love,

Anna

[justamom]

Hi girls, it is about 6:15 p.m. in Colorado and I have made it through these holidays. It was as good as it could be without Steve. My boys got alot of stuff and they were happy but we all felt like something was missing and it was. His big heart and smile was all I kept thinking about as i did stockings last night. My family was great. I got a giant picture of me and my boys to put over my mantle. It is beautiful. My family. I leave tomorrow for Disney for a week. I am trying so hard. My 13th wedding anniversary is New Years Eve. The first one without him. And the 1 year anniversary of his death is the 15th of January and my sons 10th birthday. We are trying to figure out how to handle all of it. Do something for Steve but mostly make it a birthday celebration. I hate that part, every year for the rest of his life his birthday is the day his dad died. Why would that happen? How can that be fair? All of his friends want to be with me for the 1 year. I am not sure. I don't want to wallow in it but I just don't know how social I can be. I have drank my self stupid more than once in the last week and I feel yucky. Over tired, undernourished and like I've been on a bender. I guess I have been. Thank goodness these retched holidays are almost over. I will be out of the loop for a week. I wish you all the best. Take care and may God Bless you all. Lisa

[susanbruce]

OK, I need to see if any of you are having the same thoughts that I am.

Christmas Eve, we went to my husband's brothers for our holiday get together. It's the same routine that we did our entire 26 Christmas's together. I found myself staring at my brother in law a few times and noticing just how much they look alike. It was a good feeling. Then both my daughter and I had the same thing happen to us - my brother in law came up from behind and said 3 words - HOW WAS IT? I got chills because it sounded exactly like Bruce and it was something that he would have said. My daughter mentioned the exact same thing later on that night after we came home. My problem is this - none of them spoke my husband's name, nothing. It was like he never existed. Megan and I would bring his name into conversations but they would not stay with it.

My wacked out boss tells me today they may still be dealing with it, they didn't want to upset us, blah, blah, blah. Makes me sound like I AM the selfish one, the uncaring one, to even think those things. Keep in mind this is the same sister in law who told me 'It's been 3 months, you need to get over it'. My brother in law has given me a year to feel better, which is better than his wife has given me. HA HA.

Had to vent. People just don't understand and they won't until they walk in our shoes.

I hope that you are all taking it one minute at a time. I am.

Susan

[armaiti]

Susan -

No way are you being selfish or uncaring! You are honoring your husband's memory. You are keeping him alive in your thoughts, mind and heart by speaking his name. Other people may have a problem with it, but it isn't their place to say what is right for you!

I think a lot of our culture's response to death is to shove it aside, and try to move on without acknowledgement as much as possible, because it scares people. They see people like us, and think, "that could happen to me" and that frightens them. Or maybe it makes them realize their own mortality, and that might scare them even more.

A lot of the women on this forum have said this, but I'll say it again - no one know what is right for you, but you! And there is no "wrong" way to do this. Each one of us is blazing a trail through an unknown jungle, and it's thick out there in places.

Keep telling your husband's stories, the good and the hard. Maybe your family will get used to it, maybe not. I wish for all of you that your friends and families all learn to open their hearts and honor your words and stories for what they are - remembrances of your love for each other

Love and Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[missinmyhubby]

Heya Girls,

One more to go through...New Year's Eve...and then the holidays are behind us.

Anna - I really love reading your posts. I have no education on your religious beliefs, but have found it very interesting to read as you write. For all the loss you have endured, like the rest of us, you are very fortunate to have such a support group in your family and friends.

Susan - I never saw Mark in any of his relatives as you did with your brother-in-law, but I did see him in a few strangers. I can remember looking at a few different people and seeing his eyes, his nose, his demeanor, his walk. I remember wanting to know these people so I can have a part of him back. Obviously now, it makes no sense at all, as they were not him. I wondered if sometimes it was his way of letting me see him through others. Then I thought I was just going crazy and letting my mind mess with me. Then I stared working at my job last November, and low and behold, I kid you not, there was a gentleman there who was from Wisconsin (like DH), had the same exact booming voice and accent, and looked like an older version of my husband (ten/fifteen years older)...NO JOKE!!! I was FREAKED OUT!!! It was my husband with grey hair!!! I loved being in the same room with this man. I felt my husband there every time. I no longer work at the same campus as him, so that kinda stinks, but it was nice while it lasted. I don't know what any of it means anymore, I just enjoy it when I get it. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes it does both. As for nobody mentioning his name...no one does. My situation is not the same as yours, as I do not spend time with his family, but nobody on my side mentions him either. It is like since I remarried, they must think I have gotten "over it", that I no longer think of him, and that I am AOK. Whatever their reasons, it does make us feel like we are the only ones missing our loved ones!!! It stinks!!!!

Lisa - My husband did not pass on my son's bday, just two days before. It still puts a big damper on his bday, but I can imagine it is far worse on the actual day. I will be thinking of you and big ((HUGS))!!! Take care of yourself!!!

Christmas was pretty good. We ran around two nights before trying to find my daughter's IPOD. Every store we had went to was out of them!! We finally found one in a Walmart about an hour from us...whew!! Then on xmas eve we spent time doing last minute things right up to the closing of all the stores. We had to buy last minute groceries, and then my husband and I had to buy for each other as well. We had spent so much time buying for the kids, we had not gotten the chance to go seperate ways to shop for one another. Well, we got it all done, but was beat by the time it was over. On xmas morning the kids woke us up bright and early to open gifts. They all seemed very happy with their presents. Once we were all done with the gift opening, I came back in my room to relax a bit. The minute I walked in "If you came back from Heaven" from Keith Whitley and Lorrie Morgan started playing. I had just been shooting our home xmas video with the cam corder that DH had given me the last year he was with us. It had taken me a few to figure out how to use it again, as I had not touched it since recording our last xmas together. Obiously, no body knew I was struggling a bit with that...except me. Then I came in to my room only to hear that song. Okay, I was having a great time with the family, but still dealing with my own memories. The song was fitting....don't worry honey, I haven't forgotten about you!!! I got a little tense for a few after that, but started to relax again. I was up in the kitchen for the gravy cooking ritual. We got passed that and sat down to eat. My husband forgot all about cooking the stuffing, so we had to wait a few more minutes for that. No biggy....dinner was yummy!!! Later lastnight we went to my brother's house about an hour away. Long story, but here it is in short version. My mother and my father split up when I was two. He remarried twice and had other kids. I grew up not knowing them. My DH found all but one of them back in 2002. I made contact with my father and two of my siblings at that time, one being my brother who only lived an hour and a half from me...weird, I know. So, we agreed to meet with one another (my brother and I). It went well and we saw one another a few times more after that before DH, the kids, and I all moved to Michigan for my jet job. Then DH passed away and life turned to crap. My brother and I had not talked again until about two weeks ago. When he realized that we were back in Florida he asked if we could get together for xmas. Well, what was I suppose to say??? Of course I wanted to see him again, it's just that xmas is so hard already, and I am trying to learn how to get through it with my kids and the new hubby. Welllllll, we went lastnight. I got to meet his fiance. We caught up on a lot of things we've missed over the last four years, he got to see the kids again, and he got to meet the new hubby and step son. It was actually a very nice gathering, and it was awesome seeing him. But, it was also a reminder that makes me feel like I am moving on without him. The last time we saw one another, I was with DH. So, we had to go through the whole introduction of the newly added family members. "Hey Timmy, this is my NEW HUSBAND Mark, and our son." GOD, how I hate saying that. I get so many weird reactions to being remarried to a man with the same name. Although my brother didn't seem to have any of them reactions lastnight, he did when we first talked on the phone again a couple of weeks ago. I was speaking of the new hubby and when I mentioned his name I could hear the pause. I had to say, "No Timmy, I didn't mispeak his name, his name is Mark as well." There was that common chuckle in the backround and the ohhh, okay, I wasn't sure remark. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Anyway, though it was overall a pretty good day, and it was very nice seeing my brother again and meeting his fiance, there was a lot of reminders that said, "hey, don't forget about me" there as well. It just seemed like I was the only one remembering though...once again, I felt alone. I know I should be happy that the kids are happy and growing healthy after all the trauma, and I am, but it also makes me sad that his name is mentioned less and less by everyone around me.

God Bless all and lots of hugs!!!

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

Ohhhh....and BTW, did you all see the weather that hit Daytona Beach, Florida???? To add insult to injury yesterday, I work at Embry Riddle Aeronautical University where the tornado touched down. 50 out of 65 of our planes were completely toasted, along with our maintenance facility and some of our buildings!!! My employment status as of right now is unknown...170 pilots and only 15 planes...gonna be tough to do that one!!! I hope this new job I spoke of a few days ago starts pretty quick!!!!

Happy New Year huh?!?!?!?!

[kathy51]

I made it thru Christmas but the one i dread is Saturday the 30th ...it

is my wedding anniversary..What do I do ? How can I make seem special still even though he is gone?This my 35th wedding anniversary .I married him when I was 16 years old.This is my first without him....Oh how I miss Stan....I love him still so much and will forever......

[darleneandhunter]

Kathy -

As much as it pained me, I did something special for Mark's birthday. I haven't gotten to the anniversary yet, but maybe something private to acknowledge the relationship you had might help. This is what Hunter and I did:

Mark's Birthday:

Pardon my appearance, but I am very sick, and I look like total crap. Not to mention putting on 40 lbs since Mark died...lol.

Susan -

You just keep on telling your stories. I tell mine often, whether I get eye rolls or not. I refuse to pretend he didn't exist, and I will be damned if anyon is going to make me feel like I should. Mark and his brother are very similar looking, and I am not sure I could have handled being around him during this time. In a way, I am glad I am not speaking to his family...lol.

Anna -

Thank you for the link to the legal forms. I spent a good amount of time drawing it up and printing it out in triplicate on 100% cotton bonded archival paper. I plan on taking my witnesses to my bank to get it notarized this coming saturday. It's the only time one of my witnesses has.

I am a bit familiar with your spiritual practices, as I have spent many years searching long and hard for my own spiritual path. At this point in time, Mark's death has led me to question the existance of any such realm beyond the here and now. Although I might not have had any one specific belief, this situation has definately caused me to "lose faith" in anything I might have previously thought to be. If there is a god, or gods, I am MIGHTY mad at him/them right about now, aside from the fact that I am not even sure they exist. I envy you, and those like you, who have the strength to keep believing in something.

Ok, I got through this part. I spent Christmas eve at my father's. I wish it wasn't so last minute, but hey, after the year I had, I wasn't gonna turn him down, especially since we have had so little contact over the years. I got to witness and video an engagement, and met some very good people associated with my father's girlfriend. I had a wonderful time, but these people didn't know of my situation. They found out when someone jokingly tried to set me up on a date with one of their ex-BIL, for which they were still happy to have as part of their family. I started tearing while I was telling my story, but it was away from my son, and I told them I really didn't want to spend Christmas eve crying so he could enjoy the times. They were awfully good to me about it. Several of the women there had been through this, and they were completely understanding.

I still have to make it through New Years and the anniversary of his death on the 16th. Mark and I always had trouble figuring out the anniversary of our officially becoming an exclusive couple, whether it was before or after midnight on the 31st, so we used both dates...lol. We just started celebrating on the 31st, and carried through until the 1st. We didn't go out often after Hunter was born, but we did manage a few nice dinners, thanks to some friends being nice and baby sitting for us. Most of the time, we would stay home, and I would cook him a special meal and a very special dessert in leiu of a cake. We would put Hunter to bed and exchange gifts, IF he could wait that long...lol. Mark always had problems holding on to gifts, he enjoyed making people happy, and he was also extremely thoughtful in choosing gifts for people. He always tried to make gift giving fun, no matter what the reason. Just imagine, a HUGE biker looking man, who looks like he could scare the pants off of anyone, giving a balloon boquet to someone...lol. He was like a little kid, blushing and smiling, with his hands in his pockets, rocking side to side, in serious expectation while watching them open their gift...lol.

I might just take my own advice and do something private and special to celebrate our relationship together on New Years Eve. I don't want to go out, I can't face that right now, at least I don't think I could. At the same time, I don't want to spend that night alone, either. I can just picture myself..... Home alone, on the computer, Hunter in bed, and me blubbering like an idiot. I don't want to cry. I am SICK of crying. I want to celebrate. Not necessarily the New Year, but just celebrate life. My surgery has been rescheduled for the 8th, pre admin testing on the 3rd, and a bunch of other BS. I have all that to think about, but until then, I want to do something joyful and fun. I am fairly sure all my friends already have plans, and it would probably be too late to try and get together with someone. I don't know.

Screw it. That bottle of raspberry stoli in my fridge sounds like a plan to me...lol.

[kathy51]

Darlene and Hunter

Thanks for sharing..THe tree thing....amazing

[mishknit]

i am sobbing here darlene...dammit!

that was really beutiful, and the tree thing was amazing..thank you so much for sharing!

you and i are so close in our years...i expect you to be here bitcj=hing about it with me, and linda and lisa and everyone.....

i will be sending the strongest good health vibes available, and the strongest stay healthy vibes after.

btw..you are beautiful, as is hunter.

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Darlene - Mark was one lucky man!!! You are a beautiful person, inside and out. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and Hunter.

[aprilmoonflower]

darlene- i totally get what you are saying about "losing faith". since DH died I KNOW I am an atheist. I used to be christian then pagan and all the while still searching and not finding anything..I have not lost faith so much as am totally comfortable now. I don't subscribe to any dogma or religion now and I feel so free!!! it's really hard to describe. and I think I have MORE faith in the LIFE cycle in general since DH passed..

this journey is so odd. but wherever you are in it, is where you need to be at the moment.

[missingcurtis]

Darlene and Hunter, I loved the video.

I called Curtis' sister tonight. They never called me on Christmas, have never really expressed any emotions about me moving Curtis or anything of that sort. But I told her how much better I feel with him here. I got the headstone placed before Christmas and that I love being able to go out and visit him. I think she does miss him too but I don't feel bad about moving him.

I am slowly but surely healing from so much hurt. I am starting to care about more things, maybe it is because I am working now.

I have been attending church again and I have made new friends. I still want to keep in touch with my old friends but I know that I have to keep going and not live in the past. His friends all want the best for me and I am glad they atleast miss him and call to check on me.

I know that New Years Eve is another hard day for so many of us here. And then Curtis would have had a birthday in January. But I will be ok. We all will make it one day at a time.

Debbie....................Missing Curtis

[rodless]

I thought Debbie's message was positive and encouraging. We all hurt but I really believe there is a brighter day coming. It may take some of longer than others to see it, but we will all get there. A card I received today fits right in.... a quote by Albert Camus... "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

My Christmas was fine, about what I expected. I don't anticipate too many problems with the new year... the 4th of July is what will be very difficult for me. It's a good thing we can all help each other out on the significant days. To those of you who are dreading new year's eve and January - you will be in my thoughts and prayers! Mary Jo

[judy58]

Hi Everyone,

I was really dreading the holidays. The first since my Terry died in March. My sister was in ICU. She was just diagnosed with Lupus. My step-sons and their wives and children spent Saturday with me and we did the Christmas present thing. We really enjoyed the day. I took pictures of my sons like I have since he passed and in the pictures there is always an image in them above their heads. It is a round circle and in some we can make out eyes and a mouth. We clean the lens and take lots of pictures but it shows up above their heads and mostly in the kitchen where my husband always stood talking to his boys. They would stand in the kitchen next to the stove and talk and smoke and the image is on the cabinet above the stove. I have cleaned the cabinets and taken pictures of it when no one is around. There is nothing there unless the boys are there. It is amazing. So I know he was here with us.

But anyway, with my sister in ICU we did not have the traditional family gathering. My brother barbqued. That was a first! Then we went to the hospital. So I believe God works in mysterious ways. My sister has been sick for a long time but was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Well now we know it is Lupus. She is doing much better now. I still had some bad moments especially when I went to Church on Christmas Eve. Cried through the whole Mass. It upset me to see so many couples and families together and I was alone. I guess I will get used to that. I have to.

I am wishing you all a Happy New Year. I will be spending New Year's Eve at home alone unless my sister needs me. We always spent New Year's Eve at home with my husband going to sleep before midnight. Except the last one. We were together at midnight both awake and we toasted the New Year. I didn't know it would be our last together but God did. Thats why Terry didn't go to sleep early I guess. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Judy (missing my Terry more everyday)

[aprilmoonflower]

I am looking forward to the new year and dreading it all at once. this year will put so much space between DH and I. I can't beleive it's been almost 17months! it feels like just yesterday yet forever all at once. everything in my life seems to be a contradiction on this journey! most days I am hopeful yet others I am SICK of it! anyway, sorry to be so confusing tonight!lol.

btw I have been thinking of loosingeddie and logan. hope you ladies are well. haven't seen you post in so long!

[lauraa]

Hello Ladies:

Well, we are almost through the holidays. I know how hard it is on all of us. Seems like just yesterday I lost my husband and in May it will be 3 years. I still grieve deeply and my life has been changed forever. Seems his passing changed many relationships I had. I don't think friends and family know how to handle this so they go away....they have no clue the pain we are experiencing. I don't and didn't have any energy to deal with small stuff that is trivial....people just don't get that. So, I think it is easier for them to alienate themselves from us and then point the finger at us in the parting of relationships.....they think our grieving goes away after a certain time....It doesn't. Please know what you are all going thru is normal and it takes time. This is a family here and sometimes the only support I have.

Peace for all of you in the New Year.

This is a "sisterhood". One I hope to not have many members in. But, we are brought here together I think because, unless you have been thru this pain you couldn't possibly understand.

I hope for many moments of happiness for you all.

[aprilmoonflower]

laurra-that is so true about people not knowing how to handle things..it makes me mad in a way. (OK i am downright pissed about the way certain people have treated us) but I can't make it my problem as I have too much on my plate already to worry about. I used to really dwell on how we have been treated (and forgotton) oh well though! it's just their loss! But it's NOT my fault like some have made it out to be! geesh! like I told my FIL I did not choose this, and I haven't done anything at all wrong, all I did was love my husband!

[waynesliljeanne]

Hello to you all. It has been a while since I was last here; reading your posts reminds me of why I used to be here a lot. It is a ... comfort of shared "sweet sorrow". It is my birthday today - my 2nd since my Wayne died. i sort of thought if i didn't mention it, others would forget, but i have been receiving calls from friends and family through out the day. i guess i hoped that if it was un-noted, i could forget that he isn't here to share it. the pain is so sharp and hot, the intensity seems enough to overwhelm the shakey calm that i work to present to others. here i know that i can tell others who know what it means. so many times i wish for someone that i can vent with without causing distress. do any of you have visions of loosing the hard won control that we fight to maintain? i see myself screaming, throwing things, causing destruction in an attempt to rid myself of some of this anger, pain and loathing. I do not follow through with action. sometimes i wish i could. i have written a few things that tell how i feel. i am posting them here. if they speak to any of you, i'd like to know.

Fragments

Outside I am whole

That’s what others want to see

They don’t really want to know

the other parts of me

When your soul and mine were shorn

By knives so sharp and jagged

My soul was left ripped and torn

The edges raw and ragged

My mind was cruelly shattered

The psyche blown apart

Fragments tossed and scattered

A mass of useless parts

Our hearts, which once were one

Together strongly beating

Now severed, sundered, sliced, undone

Mine broken, weak and bleeding

This is what the picture

Of flesh and bone still hide

The pieces, wounds and strictures

The me that’s left, inside.

DREAMS

empty hallways

flashing lights

shadows always

just out of sight

tripping, turning

falling behind

impulse burning

needing to find

running, chasing

screaming your name

thoughts go racing

tears fall like rain

reaching, grasping

weeping, shouting

breathless, gasping

heartbeat pounding

feeling fingertips

brush across hair

hearing footsteps

no one is there

glimpses fleeting

here and then gone

voices teasing

moving beyond

silence calling

moment of truth

darkness falling

no light, no you

[lauraa]

Aprilmoonflower:

I have gone thru stages of being totally pissed off, too....but, then like we both have mentioned...they just don't get it. How could they possibly understand what we are going thru....noway possible unless they have gone thru it. I think it is also their fear and when they stay away they don't have to look at their own mortality....Yes, I am hurt by friends leaving and especially to the "one" I considered one of my best friends....telling me that I wasn't there for her....this is not a game here...I cared for my husband 24/7 and our family...I literally carried my husband. I was there for everyone when I could be and I was totaly honest with everyone if I couldn't be....it has just added to my grieving and reinforced to me how alone I am in this world....but, I know my husband is forever with me cause I feel him.

Waynesliljeanne:

Yes, everything you wrote resonates with me. It is part of the stages of grieving....and, it all sucks! You are not alone when it comes to this. Thank you for sharing your feelings and poems.

It helps to validate our feelings.

Everyone here is always in my thoughts.

[mishknit]

jeanne..

beautiful, sad, thoughtful and resonating poems. thank you for sharing them. One thing that struck me was that you have a lot of people calling and remembering your birthday. While it is heard when the one person we want isn't there..how lucky you are to have friends who love you and remember you. So often people post on here how alone they are.....you aren't, and that's something to be grateful for..i know I am grateful for that in my life.

and zlauar and april..no one gets it unless they've been thru it..how many times havae we talked about that? it's so true...and one of the reasons why this bb is so great...we all get it.

thank god for that!

Michele

[mishknit]

laura...

every now and again i have to go on and apologize for my typing...

i'm, sorry i scrambled your name!

and glad you all are so accep[ting of my horrible typing! LOL

Michele

[armaiti]

Darlene - the video was beautiful, and the tree being down was amazing. And I too, thought you and Hunter were beautiful in the video.

Jeanne - such beautiful poems, here and on Memories. Thank you so much. Even though I have a very supportive community, I still can have that feeling of a piece having been ripped from my body since Ishaq isn't here in physical form anymore.

I made it home, managing to get out of Denver last night, re-routed through Portland overnight which worked since I have friends there I could stay with. Now home (and my luggage too, showed up a little while ago - I'm grateful because I brought the memory books people had written in for Ishaq back to his family to read, and I wanted to make sure they came back safely) Tonight is the night we do our Sufi zikr (a kind of sacred music/chanting), so I'll be with friends again which is good. The house feels really empty after being around his family for a week. (even with three cats).

I got the sweetest gift in the mail today from my friend who is the wife of one of Ishaq's closest friends. It's this adorable stuffed moose, which is very soft and cuddly. She said Ishaq had sent her a message that she should send me something like this to hold.

Sending you all love and strength,

Anna

[rodless]

12/29....I would have been married 35 years to my ex-husband. I don't give much thought to that marriage anymore, but one day a year I sit down and do a little mourning for what might have been. This year along with losing Rod, it seems really sad to think of the curves life can throw us. As a little girl all i wanted was a husband and babies. Now that's over and instead I have a job and a dog and an empty retirement to look forward to. Bummer...and it's raining... I guess I'll go to bed. MJ

[mishknit]

big hugs to you mary jo....

sigh,

michele