I Miss Him So...

[missingcurtis]

Airymoon....don't be too hard on yourself.

I did the exact same thing. I thought a friend of Curtis' was a friend of mine. We both missed him and he kept calling me to talk about him and to check on me.

He came to see where I moved and how I was doing and I loved being around someone who knew Curtis. He held me and kissed me too. I so needed to be held. I need to be loved.

We were married when I was 19 years old and I had never been with anyone else for over 36 years. My mind and my heart gave into my feelings. And he was really the one who pulled back. Should I admit that?

I am 56 years old and I had been loved and taken care of for most of my life. I miss having a man around.

We are still friends but he just wants to be friends and I feel like I can never trust another man. So I may just end up being an old widow, alone for the rest of my life. And I would to have someone to love me.

So just take it one day at a time. Who knows what the future will hold.

Debbie........Missing Curtis.............

[rodless]

Airymoon, it's really ok. Don't dwell on what happened. We all can identify with what happened and you need to remember how lonely you are now and that you trust this guy. If he really has feelings for you and cares about you he will understand and go back to whatever level of relationship you want. Who knows.. maybe down the road there will be something but until then, take it a pace you can handle. I found myself on the couch making out with a guy on a second date after my divorce +20 years ago. All of a sudden we both looked at each other and realized in our heads we were with our former spouses and not each other. Needless to say that took care of the situation. When it's the right time and the right person, you'll know it. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Oh Airymoon....

God knows we would all do the same in that siuation..we all so need to be touched and held, and our sense of what's appropriate can so easily be lost right now. it hasn't happaned to me yet, but i am so lonely and miss my dh so much that i can imagine it....don't beat yourslf up. I guess the best way to look at it is as a learning experience....trust your gut, go slow and hang in there! And hold onto your kids...I know the feeling very well of hanging in only for my son..thank god for him or i don't think i'd be here. but we have to hold on for them, and in doing so, continue with life and all the experiences it brings. One of which will be other men and dealing with that.....and we'll do the best we can at the time,as in everything else.

Our little vegas fantasy ws good, wasn't it? i think it just stands in for the actual physical need we have to reach out. It's interesting how we can all share and talk here, and give so much (sometimes without even realizing it), and yet not really know each other. If we were to get together..there would be instant recognition and huge hugs all around, and that's something to hold on to.

Darlene..you're the computer gal...is there a way we can find a common place to post some pics so we can see who we're talking to? I have visions of you all in my head, but it would be fun to actually see how close i'v come. Of course...we are all incredibly beautiful...just like to see just how beautiful!

take care you all..have a good day. I'm off for a full wedding day, running around like cazy trying to kep bridezilla happy! YIKES!

Michele

[manda14]

Yeah, Pictures would be great. I would love to see everyone's families...

Airymoon...you are definitly not alone. I think that is a very common occurance especially since the man was a close friend to your husband. He wants to be close to you because you were close to his friend. My guy's best friend is now one of my best friends. I sometimes got the feeling that he wanted more than just friendship, but I now think that he just likes to talk to me and see me becasue he feels comfortable talking about his friend with me. I knew him best and I was the one he was with 24/7 the whole time he was sick. I think it's very normal. Like the others said ..be carefull... you don't want to enter into something with the wrong ideas and feelings and then have it not work out. Then you might loose a good friend as well. he is probably feeling the same wat you do, just looking for comfort in you.

April...this might sound strange, but in the last few months I have been reading a lot of books on the afterlife and I have come to understand it a little more. They say that our lives here on earth are only one level of life....and not the highest level. It is said that our souls are sent to earth to accomplish something and to then bring that lesson back to "Heaven"..or "the Nirvana Level". I like to think that our loved ones have learned what they came to, and they are now being sent back to their real home to live a better life.....it does sound a little crazy,and doesn't justify them not being here but I am only refering to their souls...it helps me understand the Why him and not me? question...I like to think that my guy was lucky to be able to go to his "Nirvana" so that he does not have to deal with this world that we are all living in with all the sadness, hate, war and just plain unkind things. Where he is now is a better place where he is always happy, not stressed about anything, doesn't feel pain( physical or emotional). He is doing the things he wants to do and we WILL be together again.......

At first when I read the books I was very skeptical, but it did help me a lot over time, I just needed something to believe in and trust in.It's just one way of dealing with things I guess, we all have our own.

[airymoon]

ohh thank you all for the posts! I really felt like I had let a lot of people down and I really was upset that I may have let some of you down too. Strange how you have all become so important to me and I don't even know what any of you look like. I havn't slept in two days not even and hour. I have been thinking all day and this is what i've come up with

1. It is human and natural to want to be loved.

2. I reached out this man because he represents the past which means my husband too

3, He already knew me and my husband and my feelings for my husband so no scary revelations

4, There was and isn't a possibility for a future with us because I was really with my husband this morning not him and he knew it.

5 If he wouldn't have told me he knew i would always love kurt it wouldn't have been so easy to pretend he was my husband

6. I am no where near ready to think of other men at all because I could only see my husband and I feel so lost without him

He has called me to tell me he knows i am still in love with Kurt and he didn't mean to cause me more pain. As he sees it we were two lonely hurting friends reaching out to each other and that was enough and it doesn't change our friendship.

I am really grateful for you gals. Whenever things got bad I held on to my KUrt and now that he is gone I thought I had no one who would really understand. Then I read your posts and felt stronger. thank you all

becky

p.s. We don't have to go to vegas we could try to find a more central location.

[justamom]

Hi girls, I can totally relate to you Airymoon, the friend of my husbands that was in the car with us the night that he was killed came up to spend a day with us last week and when he was leaving he kissed me. Not like a big old romantic soap opera kiss but a kiss that was more than just a friend kiss. I had such mixed feelings about the thing, at first I thought maybe he just felt sorry for me and it was a pity kiss. and then I thought he feels guilty for being the one who survived and it was out of guilt and then I just thought that he wanted to kiss me. I felt horrible because I wanted to be kissed and he is very safe, a man I have known since I met my husband. You really didn't do anything wrong. It is very hard to be lonely. My life is very complicated right now as far as men go - There is a very nice man who wants to date me, on one hand I want to go because I am bored and lonely but I am still in Love with Steve. and then I think how hard would that be to have to compete with a dead guy?! Two of my friends are getting divorced right now and it is very ugly and complicated. I thought that I was friends with both of them but it turns out that the woman is not my friend. She is talking behind my back and insinuating to others that I had something to do with their marital problems which is completely untrue. I am not really sure how to handle any of it. The truth is I just don't have the energy to defend myself. I sort of feel like if anyone believes her then screw them too. It is the last thing that I need or want right now - DRAMA! I just want to focus on me and my kids and get us through tomorrow, not to mention all of the holidays coming up. I really don't understand how someone would have the guts to mess with me right now. I am very confused by this type of person. On another note I would LOVE to get away and meet all of you. Anywhere. It is so comforting to have you all to talk to. Thank you all. Have a lovely Sunday. Lisa

[missinmyhubby]

Wow, sometimes reading these posts bring so many feelings to surface…good and bad…I am sitting here after reading your first post Becky, and am scrambling to try to find something coherent to say. I wonder if people think of me as horrible because I moved on and got remarried. That I am an awful person because I still love my dead husband and miss him but remarried anyway, and love my new husband too. I bet some do, but I can’t let that affect me. I have been through so much pain and every other imaginable horrible feeling with losing Mark. My life changed so drastically, just as all of yours have. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM, AND NOBODY OR NOTHING CAN TAKE THAT AWAY!!! But, I am also human and crave love and affection just as the next person does…this is the human nature.

I am not saying at all that it is okay to take advantage of someone, no matter what the circumstance, but it sounds like you were both needing something at the moment and turned to one another. I, personally, don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. However, I can say, that I do relate to your feelings. I have ventured further then everyone on here, and it has been a journey in itself. The feelings of letting that other person be my husband, if just for the moment, the breaking of my heart over and over and over again, the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of wanting to go to my husband but only being here because my children needed someone (don’t forget, I felt like my kids lost there mother along with their dad when he died…which was a big reason I decided to try to return to some type of normalcy eventually. I didn’t realize how much they needed a “normal me” around again for some time. It didn’t happen overnight, and it definitely was not easy), the times I wondered how quick it would be over if I just yanked the steering wheel really quick into the oncoming semi, how was I ever going to make it another 60 years give and take with this gaping ass hole in my chest (amazed that others could not see it, it felt so big), how unfair this all was, and every single other feeling that has been posted on here (one of the reasons I started reading these posts…too validate that I didn’t go over the deep end, that others do feel the same way I felt and still feel at times).

The first date I went on, I only went on because I was pushing myself to return to the living. He asked, I said yes, and we went out. I had a horrible time on one hand and a little less than horrible time on the other. There were so many emotions going on inside of me of complete turmoil. I can’t even begin to describe every thought and feeling, but it was difficult to get through. On the other hand, it felt good to get away from all the pain, seconds at a time of course. I had spent so long just trying to function, making it through a day at work, picking up the kids, and abandoning them to go to my room, crawl in his sweats and t-shirts and just lay on his side of the bed with his pillows to be as close to him as possible, completely ignoring that I had three young children down stairs that needed me. For just a few hours, I caught glimpses of retreat from all that pain. Though, as I said, they only lasted for seconds at a time before I was berating myself for even thinking of dishonoring him and my marriage. Oh the things our psyche puts us through….At the time I did not realize I was seeing seconds of happy feelings again because they were all gone so fast followed by the berating, that I missed it at first. It took some time to realize that it was not completely horrible. It took along time to allow myself to accept that I wasn’t a horrible person for venturing outside of my grief. But, it wasn’t meant to last with this person. He is the one who wanted everything right now, but I just wasn’t able to give it to him. Parts of me felt like if he didn’t understand I needed a friend, then it wasn’t meant to be. Is that any different then other reasons we stopped seeing someone before? Putting the fact that I was vulnerable, grieving, miserable, sad, lonely, etc aside? I mean like before our husbands, did we not end a relationship with another person based on reasons that made us feel like this would not be a long term relationship match? Why can’t this reason be okay too? I AM JUST NOT READY TO GO FURTHER, for whatever the underlying personal reason is…the fact is the fact…NOT NOW. Most people can’t understand our feelings and what is happening to us, they have not experienced it, so how do you try to make someone understand hasn‘t a clue!?!?!? You can’t!!! The time is just not right, but thank you anyway. The next one I talked to…my hubby now. He is a wonderful man, and was then, but wasn’t what I needed at the moment either. He had just gotten out of a 14 year marriage two years prior and was trying to get his feet wet again. I was not looking to get my feet wet, damnit, I just wanted a friend. He pursued me for sometime, even though I was honest with him about my feelings, I had a hard time talking to him….he shares the same name for god sake!!! “Get away, you are too painful for me,” was all I could think of when he would say, “hey, it’s Mark.” I offered to still say hello now and again on the computer through our yahoo IM’s, but not much after that. He asked again a while later if he could come see me for lunch or have lunch with me if I was in town visiting my relatives (an hour away). He promised he didn’t want anything I didn’t and that friends would be great. When I finally conceded he said okay, when? When I said I was coming up to see my Auntie this Saturday, we could try it then, he said sure, but I have to be somewhere by four, I am meeting someone. For whatever reason, I backed down and never went…”was this dude just a player? He said he understood and we continued to keep communications open via the computer. I kept going to work and he would pop up, quit a bit actually, and say hello on my computer at the office. Prior to Mark passing away, I had never really lived in this town long enough at a time to know anyone there. So, the girl I shared office space with, who was from there, was always trying to get me to go out with her and meet some of her friends. They all wanted either sex, a relationship, or whatever other cornball crap they would come up with, and never understood that I just wanted a friend. As it turns out, I was venting all of this to Mark, while he was venting his pain of the divorce on me, along with questions on how to date again. We wound up talking more than I had ever bargained for. It started out as just simple things at first, but got a little more involved. We shared so much about our personal pain and suffering with one another then I think we both realized. It was easy to type it to cyberspace for whatever reason…as long as he didn’t come out with...hey, it’s Mark, I would keep talking. He started asking me for dating advise, I would give it to him, and he would let me know how it went later. He would ask me on a regular basis if I needed anything and ask me if I had anything on my mind that I needed to get off my chest. I could type anything I wanted. I miss him, I love him, I hurt soo much, I need him, how do I go on without him, and on and on. I could tell him I had to go because I was starting to cry and he would say okay….let me know how you are in a couple of days. It just took off from there. He was trying his ground with dating again, under my advise…lol. I moved to Mississippi, dated the “jerk” and kept in touch with my new computer friend. He gave me advise on how to handle the dating game again when I decided to see the “jerk,“ of course before I thought he was a jerk. We actually had a three and a half month break when I didn’t have my phone set up and no computer access. By the time I did get my phone, the “jerk” was gone, and it was nice to finally get to talk to him again. I went on a couple of dates after that. Though things hadn’t changed, they still wanted sex, and was giving up on finding a decent man who could be a friend! I remember this night so well, when I finally got online again. Not ten minutes after getting my computer hooked up and turned on, there he was asking me where I had been and if I was okay. Without even thinking of what I was feeling, I realized I was actually excited to see him and have him say hello. I just looked at the computer like it was from Mars and had ten heads. Because, for once, when he said hey, it’s Mark, I didn’t think of my hubby. It was a man with the name, one of his own. When it dawned on my, I was shocked at first, then a little sad. But, I didn’t stay sad, because we had so much to catch up on. Him telling me of the girls he had dated, me telling him what had transpired with the “jerk”, how he had been doing, how I had been doing, etc, etc. As it turned out, on Halloween, I had gone out with a guy to a Halloween party, again one that did not rank as “see again”, and came home to find an offline message from Mark asking where I was and if I was okay. We usually talked nightly by this point and I think me not being on there gave him a start.

By now, you are all probably reading this and seeing what neither he saw, nor was I willing to see or accept at the time….eventually, we were going to come face to face with a pretty serious revelation.

Anyway, we kept talking on the computer on a regular basis and had gone to phone conversations a couple, to several, times a week. He was taking a break from dating and I was not even really interested, as I was giving up hope on just finding a friend. Thanksgiving came and his parents were down for the holiday visiting him at his house. We spoke on the phone like three times that day and the computer several times. He told me later that night that his mother was inquiring as to who I was, and he said she is a friend. I guess his mother left it at that, but didn’t believe him given the amount of times we communicated throughout the day. Everyone was seeing it before us.

I was coming home to see my family for Christmas. If you read a couple of posts back, you may recall that I had left my oldest daughter and son with my mother (my oldest had already moved to Ms. to start the school year, but my boy opted to stay to finish out the football season) . Mark had asked if I would finally concede to have lunch with him when I came home, and I said yes. As the days got closer, we both were getting very excited. He asked if I would spend a little more then just lunch with him, and I started to get scared, and so did he. A year of being computer friends, the only real one I had, and now this. Every single emotion you could think of was spinning around inside of me. And, I told him of each and every one. He felt like a **** afterwards for making me feel the way I was. He assured me that he wasn’t like the others, that he would not take from me what I was not ready to give. That he, too, was feeling some turmoil, but also didn’t want to fight what he was feeling now. We walked through it together, talked of everything, every feeling, every thought, everything. For the two weeks I went home for Christmas, I spent whatever time I wasn’t with my family, with him. On Christmas Eve he rented a big enough truck to fit my clan, had picked me up at the airport an hour and a half away from his house, taken me to my mothers to drop off the girls another hour and a half further, and then we drove back to his place and arrived there an hour and a half after that. (Basically, we made a triangle of three legs consisting of an hour and a half each.) What started out then as something simple, turned into what I have now. I wound up staying at his house and going to my mother’s early Christmas morning. That night we drove and talked and drove and talked some more. It was awkward to say the least, but nice at the same time. Originally he had planed on taking me back to my mothers that night, but we had agreed, because it had gotten so late, that I would just hang out at his house and he would take me back to my mom’s before the kids woke up. We never slept much that night…with all the excitement, the emotions, the driving, and more. We cuddled in his bed and just laid there and talked for the longest time. Both of us just laying there with someone who genuinely cared about the other one. Not bringing up aloud anyone particular, but both of us feeling that newness feeling, along with all the other feelings of truly being with someone after loving another (and in my case still loving the one before him). Not because we didn’t feel we could talk of anything or anyone, but because we were letting it be….Believe me, every emotion, every thought, every fear, every uncertainty, every anything you can envision, was right there with us. To be honest, it almost felt like it did the first time I had ever fallen in love and been with a man. Can you fathom that? When he first kissed me it was so sweet and gentle and it took all of the night and into the morning to go from kiss to making love. It was slow, carefully approached, and so perfect. (Something that I don’t think I mentioned before, was that his wife had been his first, and after 14 years of marriage and two years of being divorced, I was his second.) For me, it was the beginning of returning to the land of the living. We got up and drove to my mother’s house. Him and his son spent Christmas day there with us, and his daughter, son-n-law and their little one came up for dinner later in the day. Now, I am not saying this was easy in any way, shape, or form. The rest of the day went by with me in a daze. Going from so perfect, to CHRISTMAS, and there they were at my mother’s even. What was I doing???? Was I f’in nutso??? What must my kids and everyone around us think, what about my husband, what about, what about???? I silently went through the day in a whirlwind of emotions and sucking in the tears feeling like I was going to implode. But, as a youth I was taught to pull up my boot straps, hold your chin up, and cry when you were not in the presence of others. So, I walked around and did just that. Mark knew what was going on, but I am sure no one else did. My kids took to him pretty nicely, given the circumstances. Somehow, I managed to make it through that Christmas…but, don’t ask me how!?!?!? He left later that night and I stayed at my mom’s for the next couple of days to spend some time with my son whom I missed dearly. It gave me a lot of time to try and absorb what had just happened in 24 hours. I wanted to be with him again, but was trying to sort out just what the hell was happening to me, and him. Given the time of year, it was completely unexpected. The only thing that sticks in my mind is this….it didn’t feel like Christmas. I felt disengaged the whole day. I had not spent Christmas at my mother’s with a man in years. My hubby and I were too far away and could not afford tickets to go home. We always spent the holidays with just the two of us and our kids. So, being in my mother’s home with my step dad, my kids, this man, his kids, and grandchild felt so surreal it is almost unfathomable. I felt like someone who was there, but looking in. Some people were recognizable, others were brand new. And one was there in spirit with me, telling me it was okay. If anything in my life ever seemed bizarre before that, it was miniscule in size comparably speaking.

After a couple of days away from one another, he came to pick me back up and I spent a lot of time with him. I was scared, but invigorated at the same time. We talked of so much, but spent a lot of time not talking at all, just absorbing. We had come to a conclusion that he was flying back to Mississippi with me to close up my house, put what little belongings I had left in a storage room, and load my PT cruiser up with what I could fit in it and drive back to Nevada together. We left in the Middle of January to take on this move. He stayed at my house there in Ms., helped me go through what I had left, silently watched me pack Mark’s stuff up once again, offered me comfort when the tears came, helped me sell what I no longer would need to a local thrift store, single handedly put what was left in the storage room, packed my PT cruiser to the hilt with what I felt we could not leave behind (you would simply be amazed at how much that car held), helped me clean the home up, and two days later drove four days and hundreds of miles in a PT cruiser packed to the gills. We had plenty of time to talk, absorb, talk some more and absorb some more. What was happening was meant to happen, and though we were both a little scared, we didn’t fight it. Who in their right mind, (not that I knew what that was anymore…lol) would let a miracle like him slip away?????????? I knew I had a lot more to walk through, and so did he. I also new the same about him…after all, his 14 years of marriage was not to be discarded at the drop of a hat because I came into his life. Six months later……we were married in a small chapel with our kids, our parents, his best friend, my best friend, and he and I. (As a gift, he also flew my other hubby’s two older children ….my step kids then and now, out from Wisconsin. Mark Morgan Jr. gave me away……It still makes me cry……)

I know ladies this was long, but it feels so right and good to share it on here. I didn’t go from losing my husband to finding love right away. I walked through the hell, at one time or another…and still do, just as each and everyone of you on here is walking in it right now. My life was pure hell, I felt like it was over and I was to live in this empty shell until the man upstairs said it was time for me to join him too. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I had anxiety attacks hourly, I felt like I had gone insane, I thought of ending it, I felt like no one understood (until I joined you ladies on here not too long ago.) I never in my life thought I would love another man, let alone marry again. It was just not going to happen. I met a lot of jerks out there, and was just lucky in getting a second chance to love again and have a man love me as much as my husband now does. Does this mean I can’t still miss my other hubby, or grieve over him, or love him still??? Who gets to determine that for me???? Not a single soul, that’s who!!!! Has this been a piece of cake since that first night with my hubby now???? HELL NO!!!!!!! I have been through hell and back again in my heart and head, but I am working through it, and will keep working through it until I get it right. But, I can say this….I have been truly blessed, and yes...I believe there was intervention on behalf of my loved one upstairs to put such a wonderful man in my life again to love, protect, and stand by my children and myself once again.

I would also like to say…I am a much better wife this time around….I know what it’s like to love and lose. Thank you for reading and God Bless you all!!!

[justamom]

Missinmyhubby, I definitely do not think that you are horrible for moving on and living your life. I think your story is beautiful and it honestly gives me hope. Thank you for sharing it. Lisa

[lauraa]

Missingmyhubby,

I don't know where to start. I feel like maybe you possibly misunderstood me when I wrote to Airymoon about her experience....I think sometimes emails and post can be misunderstood. I hope that what I wrote didn't upset you. I just want Airy and everyone else to guard themselves against, "the jerks" out there because we are all rock bottom now and we know of all those emotions you write about and being from hell and back...and, wanting to die ourselves. Your story is beautiful and you found a gem and I do think he was sent to you from heaven. That is why we have intuition and your gut and heart knew he was.....I am so happy for you. I know your husband that "passed" (I will never say die because they live on) is with you and you have his blessings....I would consider him your angel! He is deeper with you than your own heart. I tell people this....I only know two things for sure, 1. My husband would want me to take really good care of his kids whom he loved so dear, and, 2.He would not want me to be sad. But, we all have to go thru this hell of grieving before we can join the "Living" again......This has taught me so many things. Alot that I don't like at all on this earth, so it has helped me discern and weed out what is important.....and, "we grieve as deeply as we loved".....so it will take time for us all.

I wish you so much happiness and a lifetime of love. I know in your heart you must feel like you have had two really wonderful men.......some woman can't even find one. God bless you and your beautiful family.

[mishknit]

missingmyhubby....

what a wonderful gift to wake up this morning and read your post. thanks you so mcuh for your incredible honesty and grace in shering so much of yourself. Your post was so full of hope.....something that i have lost and miss so much. It's hard to go thru life without hope of it ever getting better, and you just put the spark back in me. Bless your new mark..he sounds like a great man, and bless you for telling your story here so fully.

Michele

[airymoon]

missingmyhubby--Your story is wonderful I felt so cennected with parts of it. You are truly blessed to have someone who understands you and your needs so well. You are twice blessed tow have experienced both loves.Thank you for sharing such an inspiring story.

Luaraa--I undertood your post perfectly on being careful. This time is so filled with emotion that the hint of leaving the pain even for a second is something you want to grab on to. That's why you have to be careful because those hints aren't always real. I always go with my gut and my heart. The thing is now they are not saying much because they can't be heard above the pain and your post helped me realize that. So for right now I am waiting until they can be heard again before I do anything but survive the day. Thank you for your words of wisdom and caring.

Justamom--sometimes a date is just a friendship waiting to happen.I don't think the right person would compete with Steve. More like accept him as part of you. You wouldn't be who you are with hving been with him. Maybe this guy who wants to date you knows that or you can tell him and see where he goes with the info.

Thank you all for being here for me. When i tell people that I have friends I talk to about these things they wnat to know how we met and who they are. I can't answer all that so I just say you are part of my support system and i thank god i have them. the truth is the people on this board have become so important to me. I check and read the post 2-3 times a day and the one's that help the most I print out and keep with me. That folder is getting quite fat,

becky

[rodless]

I will give another slant on missinghubby's story. I was very much in love with my ex-husband when he filed for divorce after getting involved with another woman. In many ways I went through what we are going through now as I grieved the loss of a marriage, someone who had been part of my life for 18 years, a family of in-laws, and the dream of a good life built with someone I loved. My kids were 4 and 6, I was 34. It took me 5 years of grieving, and running around trying to find another man to decide that I was okay and could be happy with just my kids if need be. I stopped the dating and singles scene and within a year I met Rod casually on a street corner a block from where I work (waiting for the light to change) and after over 4 years of friendship and dating, we married.

I believe you have to be happy with yourself before you can move on. It doesn't mean you forget your past or diminish someone's importance in your life plan -it just means you accept what's happened and open yourself up again to the possiblity of love. I learned that lesson the hard way and I keep that knowledge with me as I go through this grief process.

Divorced people go through all 5 grief stages but usually get stuck in anger. They also look for someone else to blame. Lisa, that's probably what you friend is doing. Doesn't make it right.

Thanks so much for reading this and thanks so much for sharing opinions and experiences. Hope is a such a necessary thing and I would like to see all of us have a turn at experiencing it. Mary Jo

[kathy51]

This has been another terrible week for me..I made a horrible mistake by looking up pictures of an actual autopsy and reading graphic details on how it is done.My husband had to have one done on him and I guess I did'nt really realize how it is done..Please do not make my mistake and ever go looking for that kind of information..I almost lost my mind this week....It was way too hard to cope with.I was already in excruiating pain trying to deal with the sudden loss of my husband..just could not deal with it..and to the ones that responded to my last post.....thank you and I pray that God will help you as i pray he will help me...and please know you all are in my thoughts and i feel so sad for all of you too..God bless you..Kathy

[darleneandhunter]

I think that there are so many of us in so many stages of grief here. I am sure none of us PLAN on getting into other relationships, but they seem to inevitably show up at one time or another. I don't want it, but I know the situation could possibly arise. I do think we need to be careful and wary of people who MIGHT take advantage of whatever emotional state we are in at the time.

If we are all agreeable, I could do a fotki account for us. I could open it as an organization account, and we can all contribute to it. I can set it up just for us beyond indigo girls! I don't have the money to pay for a premium account, but it's only $30.00 (american) per year, and I think if we pool our resources, we could all contribute a small amount after the holidays, and pay for the site. For the first two weeks, it is a premium account. After that, you are only allowed 40mb of space. It sounds like alot, but with many people contributing pictures, it can get used up quickly. The nice thing is, if we add more than 40mb worth of pics before the two week trial is over, they do NOT remove anything, we just won't be allowed to upload anything else until they up our storage space. Free accounts get 10mb per month added to them.

I was thinking like a buck or two each would cover a year's subscription, and any of us could take it over if something happened to me. I don't mind setting up and maintaining the site for as long as you allow.

I understand completely the unsurity when it comes to sending people money over the internet, trust me. If it bothers you, PLEASE feel free to check out my squeaky clean reputation on eBay. Just go to my store, and check out 100% positive score and read all the nice things people have to say about me in the feedback section.

stores.ebay.com/Craftcrazy03?refid=store

I have a paypal account, and can accept transfers if someone would like to do it through paypal. Seriously, I would not be insulted if you all decided against it. It is just a thought.

[darleneandhunter]

Oh, and if you want to use the beyond indigo name, I would have to ask permission to do so, since it could be trade marked or whatnot. I don't want to step on anyone's toes. If we can't use the name, using the link to cennect to here will suffice.

[mishknit]

Darlene...

I'm laughing because if you were gonna take anybody for money, i hope it would be for a lor more than $30!!! I'm in.....just want to make sure the fact that i use mac won't screw me up.....i love it, but there are drawbacks. what about everyone else?

I've been home all day, haven't showered, did a little bit of work, but spent a lot of time looking thru christams music that we have and online to make our annual cd. God..it was so depressing! i mean....what kind of music am i gonna put on there? I 've downloaded or uploaded every possibly pathetic sad christamas song ever...3 or 4 versions of some of them, and i can't do that! who the heck is gonna want to listen to that? my son and I started talking about christmas..i asked about decorating the house..he was so quick on :"yes, we're doing it". BIg Sigh. the last thing i want to do, frankly...but I am just going to go along with what he wants. I am not going to do the usual, what i call the "Christmas brothel"...which we have done for years..seriously overdecorated! But we love, or, loved it, and i can't bear to bring all the special stuff out this year. I always thought that at some point I'd tone it all down, as my son got older...this is going to be the year, i guess. i've been changing things around the house anyway..making it more "mine", and so christmas decorations will be more "mine" too, i guess.

what about the rest of you...doing, or not doing stuff? Or, like me, only just beginning to think about the realities of the holidays? Anyone stopped their car on the street and SCREAMED at a house with decorations up the day after halloween? Anyone besides me, i mean?

night all,

michele

[darleneandhunter]

OMG, you're right...lol. Now that I look at it, it looks rather silly, LMAO! Eh, I just wanted everyone to know that if they send me a MO for a few bucks, that they will be getting what they pay for, YK? LOL!

Holidays...well......

I have no real major plans. I don't really WANT to put up a tree, but Hunter wants one. I am SOOO not looking forward to this......

[missinmyhubby]

Lauraa - Please don’t feel bad, you did not upset me at all. I like coming here because this is a place where we can all speak our minds….a comfort place! I totally agree with you that everyone needs to be careful, especially given the state of mind that losing our husbands leaves us in. There are so many “jerks” out there that it is sickening.

Thank you for all the kind words regarding both husbands. Sometimes it is so hard to write that…both husbands…lol….what to call them. If I say Mark, that doesn’t work, they are both Marks….I hate saying late husband, husband that passed, never an ex…we didn’t divorce, Mark one and two sounds so awful. Anyone have any suggestions????

Anyway, you are very kind to call my new husband a gem. We sometimes talk about how when we met the timing was not right…or was it…he was exactly the friend I had been looking for but didn’t realize it for quite some time. He dated others and I was still in a deep dark depression and later, finding my way out of the darkness. We discuss the idea that we were put in one another’s life at the time for a reason, but had to walk through some more trials of our own before we could appreciate what transpired between the two of us. We stayed friends and wound up together in the end. Have you ever heard the song…Heaven Sent Me You…by John Michael Montgomery. It’s one of our songs we like to listen too.

I also agree with you that my other Mark is with me. I use to have a lot of thoughts about whether he would be happy for me. I know his mortal self would not…he would never tolerate another man in my life, and would have fought ‘til the end for our love. The side of me that says to be rational says that he is no longer mortal and, in heaven, has only heavenly thoughts and would wish me to find happiness and not be sad for him, as he is in a much nicer place that is pain free for him. He is my Angel…I have a story for you regarding that, but another time. Remind me to tell you all the story of my key ring….And, you are also correct when you said that he is deeper in me than my heart. He, and only he, has a place that no other can fill. He still lives in me, and will for eternity.

Our husbands would not want us to be sad like this forever, but we do have to go through the grieving process, as it is a natural step. I like the way you said “we grieve as hard as we love.” I will always grieve for him, as I will always love him. It just gets easier. I use to question if it gets easier, or do we just start to learn to live with the pain. I now believe its both…because we learn to live with the pain, it gets easier.

You know what scares me the most….losing my love again…I don’t think I would survive it a second time around. But, I have tried to turn this fear into something healthy. I believe I am a better wife this time around because I do keep the thought in mind everyday…how fragile life can be…and savor every moment we spend together. I no longer sweat the small stuff as I did before. You know, all the things that most couples argue over.

“I wish you so much happiness and a lifetime of love. I know in your heart you must feel like you have had two really wonderful men.......some woman can't even find one. God bless you and your beautiful family.” - This made me cry…Thank you so much!!! And, thank you most of all for considering my feelings and hoping you didn’t upset me. I respect you very much!

Mary Jo - I loved your addition to the post. Thank you for sharing that. I once had someone tell me that having a spouse pass was better than divorce. Can you believe that?!?!?! I give you three guesses who that was….yup, the “jerk.” It made me so angry and hurt…How dare he…1) he has no idea what it’s like to lose a spouse, none. But he said that it was better than his divorce because at least I didn’t have to see that person everyday. What an ass!!! Does he know what it’s like to have a child cry because they don’t understand why they can’t see their daddy anymore, or hug him, or kiss him, or anything, ever again, or so many of the other horrible things we all have had to experience?!?!?! 2) why would he want to try and compare anyone’s grief to another’s? I personally think that you can’t compare. If one is grieving then they have a right to their own pain, however they see the circumstances. Your addition to the post is exactly what my new husband went through. His first love, wife, mother of his children, his future, his family of in-laws, etc., walked away with another man. She left everything she owned, including all her belongings, her ring on their bathroom counter, the bills, her children behind, and his heart broken in pieces, all for this other guy. His pain was deep. And I believe that his pain is his pain and mine is mine, and we can lean on one another for support. But, that no one is any better off than the other person. I am sorry to hear you have had both losses. I wish I had a miracle cure for everyone who has to feel pain this way.

Your whole post was just said so well!!!

Michele - Your reply was so beautiful. I can’t think of anything to say, I am at a loss for words. Thank you!!! I am happy to have given you back your spark. Hope is such a good thing to have. If it dims again, let me know…You can ask me anything, anytime. That goes for everyone on here too.

Lisa - Thank you too!!! Not that I ever felt I needed someone else’s approval, but maybe I do just a little. Being strong in this alone, for so long, has been so hard. Thank you for not thinking bad of me…I need to hear that.

Becky - Thank you! Please, if you feel like I am not prying, share with me the parts you felt connected with. I AM truly blessed that I have someone who understands me and my needs. I am also blessed to have you ladies on here, you are the ONLY people who can relate. ((hugs))

Kathy - ((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs)) ((hugs))

Darlene - I love your idea…I AM IN!!! Keep me posted. Thank you! I am not computer savvy at all, and maybe some time, if you are okay with it, you could tell me how to make a memorial on fotki for Mark. I would love it!!!

I wish you all a happy thought…maybe one a day to start with…and more as time marches on. God bless each and everyone of us on here. Night ladies.

[missinmyhubby]

Holidays? I am scared.....scared to death. This will be the first one for Mark and I by ourselves with the kids. As you have all read, the first one did not feel like Christmas and was very bizarre. I am afraid of so many things. I am afraid I will cry, I am afraid of it not being what I want, but being too much of what I want, I am afraid of so much right now regarding Thanksgiving and Christmas and am having a time of it trying to sort it all out...

[missingcurtis]

Missinmyhubby,

Maybe you can refer to your first husband as Mark (middle name). Unless they have the same middle names.

I had a school teacher in high school who always refered to her husband by just his last name. Being a teenager, I thought that was really strange. But after Curtis and I were married a long time, I found my self calling him by our last name sometimes.

Or maybe you and your husband now can come up with a way to help you.

Debbie..............Missing Curtis

[lauraa]

I am so ticked right now because I just wrote a very long post to all of you and I lost it. This has happened several times recently....crap! I think it went to long....like 45 minutes or so.....I'll write again late when I get my energy back.....

[lauraa]

Missingmyhusband,

Thank you for all your kind words and for sharing your story with all of us here. We all understand when you talk about being to hell and back. I think the truth is that when we suffer a loss as we all have, we feel like dying, too! A piece of our heart went with them! All the stages of grieving that we all have to go thru is so traumatic for us all and I think we need to take gentle care of ourselves each and everyday. I feel so exhausted and when I do have a decent day, I have to take care as to not overdo or set myself up with to much time with people as they tend to overstep their bounds giving me advice. Or, they say nothing as if my husband never even existed. I was married for 28 years and with him for 34 total. It hurts so bad to just feel like I am walking thru a maze in this life. Our lives have changed so and that in itself is an adjustment.....I feel as though I have lost my zest for life (except for my kids)and find it difficult to get excited about many things. I really tend to isolate myself as I find most people to be unfeeling or rude. We all need to take take it one day at a time and stay in the moment and not take on to much. The bible says, Don't worry about tomorrow and today has enough of it's own.....You are an inspiration to us all here. This has been a life saver for me as there have been times when I felt rock bottom and only the ones here could understand and give me a lift.....You are on the right track and I am happy you have found a "great one" to walk with you....remember, you are his support thru all his baggage, too!

[lauraa]

Kathy51....I don't think you should read anymore of that stuff as it will only upset you more and more......I believe that when our loved ones "passed" they didn't feel any pain and after doing alot of reading I feel they were greeted with angels and family members who went before them to help him make his beautiful transition into eternal life.....I think they are no longer suffering and live spiritually and are with us always......They are with us deeper than our own hearts....remember that! I am sorry for your loss. This grieving and all it's stages suck....I feel alot of times like I am being kicked while I am down. Sometimes, I take two steps forward and one back...sometimes, I take 10 backwards and one forward.......I can only take one day at a time and I am not kidding when I say that. I don't even look at the calender most of the time....I am just honest with people and say, "I am not sure if I can", "I will if I can", etc. and then I go with how I am feeling that particular day. I honor my feelings always now and I have learned that if I don't I get in trouble with anxiety, anger, etc.....Read only positive things and don't read things that you can't change or make a difference with...it will only upset you.....I hope for you to have peace today.

[lauraa]

Darleneandhunter.....I am a computer dummie but let me know more as to what I need to do and what it is about.........

[lauraa]

Michelle,

Christmas...BaHumbug! That's me! My husband was Mr. Santa Claus and he was the one that made it fun....now, I am left with the pressure of living up to that. I try to make things simple. My motto is, "Less is more" and "No maintenance".....But, the stress of it all is always there for us....I am tired of hearing, "I need this" and "I need that"......Whatever happened to the days when people would buy someone a gift that they just thought was right for them instead of being told what they want....and they want everything.....LESS IS MORE!

[kathy51]

Lauraa..Thanks for the nice reply....You really made me feel better ...Thanks..

Missingmyhusband......Thanks for all the hugs!!!!

[mishknit]

Lauraa...i love Christams..thanksgiving thru new years was always my happiest time..OUR happeist time...we just did it up. I'm just so sad about it, and can totally understand why my son wants to keep up traditions...so this year we'll try, and see how it goes..who knows about next year? I won't have the huge party we had every year tho....can't bear that. Tom was the entertainer..always before a party or dinner or anythbing here he'd get frustrated with my fussing, pour me a glass of wine and tell me to "sit down and relax!". I always followed his instructions and things were fine,. but giving parties, having people over really stresses me out. Oh well.

Missing...as far as I'm concerned..you luicked out with another Mark...never have to worry about calling him the wrong name! I'm going to start looking for Tom's when I'm ready.....LOL!

Had a first therapist visit for my son tonite..i liked her a LOT...and so did he. Hopefully it will be a good fit, I feel good about it, and it's a great load off my mind.

Michele

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning...............

Well today marks month number 11 and counting. But I am doing so much better than I was before.

I guess because I can go visit him at the cemetery. I never really knew what a difference it would make. And he came to me in a dream Sunday night. He looked good. We didn't really talk in the dream but it was him.

Now to just make it through Thanksgiving, our anniversay the 27th, the big day in December when I lost him and my world and then Christmas. I had one Christmas without him last year. So I think I can do this.

I have family here and the support of friends. Last year I was just in shock I guess.

Blessings to each of you today as you go along our "unchosen" route.

Debbie................Missing Curtis.................

[lauraa]

Good Morning Ladies......

There sure is something about this rain that seems to touch our souls, huh? I miss my husband sooooooooo much. I loved him soooooooooo much and I loved being married to him sooooooo much......the pain is soooooo much to handle. I know I will never be the same again. I know that I do not have tomorrow and only have this day....so that is where I will try and stay. Today I am off to my therapist and truthfully I feel so emotional that I am not sure where to begin......probally feeling so alone and sad...like I've been hit by a truck. I was sure to put my waterproof mascara on though.....lol. Boy, they were kidding when they named MEN-O-PAUSE the way they did, huh? Must of been a man who did that.......You are all in my thoughts and with me today.

[aprilmoonflower]

I am so behind on posts I will not try to respond to them all!

btw if any of you are interested in chatting online and having more "private" conversations I have already set up a group at yahoogroups just for us from here (No one joined it though!) there is room for files,pics,etc. and best of all a CHATROOM!!! I know I have lots more stuff I would talk about if this board wasn't public! (family drama mostly but some of it's leagl so I don't want it out there on google!) oh and best of all it's FREE!

hold on I'll post the URL to join..maybe we can do a weekly chat if anyone's interested?

[aprilmoonflower]

ok try this.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/beyond_widowhood/

I DON'T see a chatroom though! I thought yahoo had chatrooms?

[missinmyhubby]

I think the yahoo thing is an awesome idea...feel like we are talking to one another and not so much into cyberspace..lol. For anyone who has yahoo, my screen name is wayoutofcg. I just joined the yahoo group...not sure where to go from here though..lol...but I am a member now!! Thank you.

Angel

[lauraa]

O.K. now remember I am the computer dummie here....I don't get how we can go to this site, (which I did) and have it private when anyone can do it? I have never done a chat room before and I also have alot I wish to keep private.

[aprilmoonflower]

I can make the group private! (I will then need to approve subscriptions. let me go see if I can do it!

[aprilmoonflower]

ok I couldn't fix it. so I started a new group (sorry to confuse) the new one is called beyond_widowhood_too. (I will delete the old one) it's private, but that means I'll have to approve subscriptions! if you want me to send you an invite, please email me with your email address (don't worry I won't spam you with anything EVER I promise!). I can either add you to the group or send an invite! (Let me know which you prefer)

my email addy is

az _ mama @ hotmail . com (no spaces!)

also if anyone else want to be a moderator of the group lmk! I don't care much for moderation but if it's going to exist and/or be private it has to be moderated!

[aprilmoonflower]

btw I am aprilmoonflower on yahoo messenger if anyone wants/needs to chat ever can I add you to my list Angel?

oh and one more thing I can set the yahoogroup up to have NO archives..would that be preferable? I am in no way wanting to take away from this board at all in anyway either! I just thought it could be a place to talk about more private things..

[Guest Guest]

I was reading some of the discussion for some insight into coping with the death of my boyfriend, Darren. He passed away on Nov. 4, 2006. It was my 30th birthday. We had went out of town for our birthdays to celebrate. (His birthday was Nov. 5) I miss him so much. I was the only one with him and did everything in my power to save him. I am constantly questioning if I would of responded sooner, what would of been the outcome. I know this was the plan, but it hurts so much. We had plans of marriage and children once I finished school. How do I start over? Thank you for listening. Brandi

[aprilmoonflower]

Brandi- I'm so sorry. My soulmate was Darren too. I often beat myself up "What if I had done this or that" it is normal to question EVERYTHING right now. I think your position is even harder and more tragic as you were just getting to the point of marriage,etc..I am so sorry. I hope you find some peace on this board! we all know what you are going through!

[Guest Guest]

hie people,

i would like to share my grief with you all. i have just lost my love, walter at 5 weeks ago. he died of renal failure at the age of 31. we were getting married this december and i cannot begin to explain the pain i feel right now. i need your help, i need to talk to people who will relate and understand me. i feel like my heart has been ripped in half. my love is gone and nothing can replace him. i miss him every waking moment of my life. how does one carry on and live after this? how is one supposed to even survive such pain?

[melissaf]

Hiya my Soulmate was also called Darren he Drowned at Blackpool on the 1st of April 2006...he was only 32...this has been the worst 7 1/2 months of my life!...I dont know how to help my children deal with this!...I am really really missing him...hes annoying habits are all forgiven if he would just walk through that door..Id put up with his snoreing and his moods and everything..just to have him back...but we al know thats not going to happen...and thats the hardest thing to come to terms with...our youngest boy is only 8 and haveing such a bad horrid tme of it..he is angry at the world..and mainly me..and wants his daddy back!..anyway..love to you all Mel xxx

[lauraa]

To Everyone New to this site.......I want to express how sorry I am for your losses. You have come to the right place for support. We all know what you are going thru and we lift one another up. This is a place where you can vent all your feelings, no-matter what they are and be supported. I know the pain you all speak about and wondering how you will get thru this pain. It is unbearable. Just honest yourself and how you are feeling and let it come. I cried so much and was in a constant state of shock. It is a process and takes alot of care and time. We are all here for you, anytime.....we all know.

Everyday, so something special for yourself and keep writing to us all.

[airymoon]

welcome to the board. You will get the support you need here. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling now. You can make it through it one step at a time. Keep coming back here and keep posting. You will survive this and we here will offer any help we can. We have all been through this loss and understand what your are feeling.

Becky

[nancy55]

To everyone that is new here...I am also so sorry. I lost my husband, June 21, 2005. It has been over a year, but today under stress, I broke down like it was yesterday. The empty feeling is so overwhelming. The day to day things can leave you helpless..because your soulmate is not there with you. Every day is a struggle. The death is a life altering experience. Nothing is the same ever again. Life brings on a new meaning. The simple things are so important with family and friends. Your picture of life becomes smaller..and more circled around loving friends and family. You become more compassionate to others. You realize you have to say how you feel to others now...because we never know when it may be too late.

The pain we carry in our heart is huge. It never leaves, maybe we handle it better as time goes on...but it never leaves. We think about our loved ones daily, over and over again. Some days we cry all day. Some days we cry little.

Whatever the time frame we are in during this grief journey, it is so exhausting. It drains all your physical energy, and it robs your emotional soul.

The one and only hope, is to pray and ask for strenght. It is the way I got through this long. This road is hard, and mean. I ask God or all of us to be able to survive this.

God bless you all,

Nancy

[bsnurse76]

I have started to write in a journal about our memories together. I am so afraid I will forget them. I just wish I could hear his voice, feel his touch, or just sit with him and watch TV like we did every night. I will finish my master's degree in May. I can't believe Darren will not be here to see me finish. He has been my support through my schooling and always encouraging. He would always tell me "Everything will be okay". I need to hear those words from him so much right now. He wasn't suppose to leave me. He would always tell me "We have a lifetime together". I didn't expect that lifetime to be so short. I do feel blessed that I had the opportunity to know and love this man. He was my soulmate. I miss him so much. Thanks for listening and the support. Brandi

[mishknit]

brandi...he's still supporting, as we on this board will. keep writing about graduate school....what are you going for? And the journal is a great idea...i doubt you'll need it to remember darrin, but writing is such a great outlet..use it for yourself and your feelings too. A lot of us journal, and it is very helpful.

Nancy..I'm sorry you're having a bad....the holidays are probably not helping. My husband's birthday was june 21.....so that is a bad day for me too, tho for a different reason.

Anyway....

i just got back from my grief group....i am so grateful for that too. The luxury of venting to people who understand is such an incredible thing.

Thank you all,

Michele

[shakira1975]

today i cried on my way to work. its almost as if i still get shocked at times when it hits me that he is really not there. i wept. but i was sure to tidy myself up before i got into the office. i have been at work for 3 days since walter passed away and i have not been coping. sometimes i just sit in my office and do nothing. i cant face people. i just think about him. i spend time looking at our pictures on my computer. how can life seem so unfair? it has just changed and i dont know how to handle the changes. what am i going to do when i need him to talk to me? to tell me what to do like he always did when i was stuck. he is no longer there to bring meaning into my life. he was my pillar, my everything. he was my love and now i am looking at a future without him and it does not make sense. i am angry. i pray, sometimes i feel better and sometimes i dont. Walter was my backbone and i feel empty without him. the bond was so strong. he was all i needed to get by. i still count the days, its 39 today and it feels like yesterday. i cant believe i buried the love of my life. i have been to his grave three times afterwards. the last time i spoke to him for an hour and i felt better telling him about life and how it has been since he left. how i miss him every minute. this life is painful, i hope he is in a better place and that one day i will be with him again.

[missingcurtis]

To all the new ladies and to the others also.....

We all have had the same exact feelings of being lost, of having holes in our hearts and of not knowing how to go on.

But this is a great support group. You find out that you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not the only person who feels like you do.

Even when your friends, family and co-workers don't want to hear about your lost love over and over again we do! We all go through days when we don't think we can make it one more day. Then the next day the sun is shinning and the world looks good.

I am going to make it. It is fast approaching the one year mark and our 37th wedding anniversary would have been the 27th of this month. I am just taking it one day at a time this month.

I pray a lot and I know that God is with me. I still have my sisters who live here and I have made new friends. I just miss Curtis in my life and always will.

Debbie........Missing Curtis with all my heart............

[rodless]

To all the new "members"...

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. My husband died in July and I understand everything you're feeling. I think the first 3 months are the worst as we adjust to changes and the fact that they are not here with us on a daily basis. I struggled at work for awhile but now I find it is ok. I have kept a journal and as I look back to July and August entries, I can see that slowly I am finding a measure of peace. It is what I keep praying for.

We all go through this on our own time table... one of the things I received from Hospice says we are all different in our grief journey ... depends on our life experiences, our support system and our personalities. I thought that was right on!! I have a friend who lost her husband a year ago yesterday and she has been a great inspiration to me. We cry together sometimes but her motto is "no one can steal my joy." I try to live like that... Rod was the biggest blessing I have ever had in my life and the pain of losing him is worth the joy at having had him. I wouldn't have missed it although I certainly miss him.. every minute.

Day by day, year by year, whatever it takes, we will make it!! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

HI ladies..

feeling blah this week. mostly PMS, but it makes everything worse,yk? like I found an envelope DH ahad written "Momma" on. it was from the very last bday card he would ever buy for me...sniff. stupid things get me the most!

I am so sorry for all the new members. those early days are the worst I think, it does get a little better in that you learn how to deal with your pain. it doesn't go away though. anyway, keep coming back here! it helps!

[bsnurse76]

I am in graduate school for a degree in nurse anesthesia. We had so many plans for after graduation. We talked about a trip to Hawaii. He wanted to go deep sea fishing. We also talked about the things we needed to do around the house. We had planned to get married after I graduated. We both looked forward to the time when I wouldn't have the stress of school. I haven't gone back to my clinicals yet. I tried on Tuesday, it didn't go very well. He also worked at the hospital where my school is located. I think what upset me on Tuesday was the idea of him not being around when I finish school. I remember him being the first one I called when I got my acceptance letter. I miss him so much. Thanks for listening. Brandi