I Miss Him So...

[lauraa]

I have gone to a medium...It changed everything for me....I needed reinforcement that life is eternal, everlasting and that my loved ones that have "passed" live on. I know there are lots of people against that but I couldn't worry about that because I needed confirmation. My psyche was on the line....my life as I knew it crumbled...I had to know for sure. The medium told me things there is no way she would ever had known....since then I have found thru this medium a beautiful spiritual church and that is where I go when my soul feel empty and that is what helps me recharge....my husband "always" come thru to me. We were "kindred spirits, "twin souls" and now "soul mates" forever. I have alsolutely no questions about that.....I still grieve deeply and there are days that I feel I can't go on....but I think our psychics protect us in how much we can take at once, so our grief comes as we can handle the depths of it all....I agree we need to be very careful in having readings as there are frauds out there but that is in everything.....there really are some good ones out there....you just have to do your work and find them ...then, go with you gut intuition and you will be fine. The day my husband "passed" is the day I stopped caring what anyone else thought about these things as they all left me at the lowest point in my life...I found out who my real friends were and trust me there aren't many so now I just look at it as starting a new chapter...mostly, I hate every minute of it....but I have no other choice.....well, ya I do...but, like all of you I forge on.....I don't think we can plan anything because my plans certainly did not work out, no matter how hard I tried....I guess god has a different plan for me and he wants me to feel this suffering for a reason????? I let you all know.

[airymoon]

hi ladies boy this talk of mediums is eerie. I was just thinking about that very subject today at work. A friend of mine lost her brother a few years ago. She has a friend that is a native american and she went to her. I don't think she is a medium but i don't really know. anyhow, she told her that her brother is around all of his family and gave her some examples that only the family would know. She said that our loved ones cross over but will visit and stay beside us as long as we are open to them. It sdoesn't mean we can't move on with our lives, just remember that they are still part of who we are. I don' think I would do a seance though you're right kinda creepy. Missingcurtis, Ive got to say I think it's great if you want to bring him to where you are. I don't think you are crazy. My husband was cremated because he wanted to be buried on the property we built our house on. Neither of our parents believe in cremation so you can imagine that conversation. I just told whoever that it was my decision and it's what he wanted. we planted a tree for him and on the one year anniversry of his death we will bury his ashes. I am not puting a tomb stone out. Instead we (the kids and I) are looking for a big boulder to put at the site and we will have his name and dates engraved on it. Rodless, I love those dreams! I hate wakinf up though. at first I would get really upset because it just reminded me that Kurt wasn't here, but now I find them comforting. certain ones are just dreams I know but others I'm sure are visits from him. Iknow what you mean about the pictures. most of the time I do ok with his death. I know he's gone and not coming back., but then I see his picture that i've seen a hundred times and it slams me in the chest that he is REALLY not coming back.you try to keep things as normal as possible but even the normal things like grocery shopping or doing laundary are no longer normal. My saying is " I can be as happy as I let myself be" sometimes it works sometimes not.O>K> I'm going now. hope I didn't write too much. today was a good day

[mishknit]

Wow!

Thank you all for coming thru for me with your answers to my question...it's a bit overwhelming. Why is it that i still think i'm the only one wondering about these things, when it's proven time and again that we're all in this together!?

i went on george Anderson's website..it was really interesting....he gives readings for $1200.00...yikes!

Meanwhile, a friend of mine told me about 2 people who she has had phone readings with...i was astonished, phone readings? immediately i could see someone googling like crazy, and finding out a lot of info about me and my husband..but she said no, that the stuff that came through for her was all the kind of things that no one could find out. I am very intrigued, and will continue to investigate. But, I do feel Tom so strongly around me a lot, and just wonder how he would come through, if he did.

Anyway, I loved reading your stories, they were so helpful and candid....and made me feel like i should keep on this path.

Thank you all so much!

Michele

[hmtod73]

dear friends. i usually do not post here because i have not lost my husband. i lost my mom in feb 2004. i do read all of the different areas on this board. i would like to make some comments on mediums. i have a medium that i work with. i just had a reading from her last week. she is very good and reasonably priced. she has worked on police cases and is currently working on two now. she was just on a tv show called a haunting on the discovery channel. btw, i live in harrisburg pa. something i want to caution people about is this....whenever your are looking for a medium, be careful. check them out. there are alot of fakes. do not give them any personal info prior to the reading. that way you are sure they did not know any info about your and your situation. if you decide to have a reading, do NOT come with expectations. that is a very hard thing to do. look at it this way, when you are pregnant, you get what you get right?? same thing. you will be told what you NEED to hear not only what you WANT to hear. you get what you get. if you come with expectations you may be dissapointed. if the medium asks you a question during the reading answer with a yes or no or i'm not sure. do not go into a detailed answer that way the medium is less likely to feed off your info. plus, the reading should be taped and you should be given that tape. do not become "hooked" on going to a medium. you should only go at the most 2 times a yr. otherwise you tend to lead your day to day life by what you are being told and that is not good. i was raised catholic and i have drifted away from most of that. not sure what direction i should go. but i feel that we all are honoring the same supreme being but we all call him by a different name. the native american people have a strong respect for their elders and their relatives that have past on. they keep the deceased close at heart and mind in their every day lives.......as do we. the medium's name is kelly weaver......just google the name. check out her sites and decide for yourself. for me, i am very happy with what she does. take care and thanks for listening. i wish all of you peace. heather

[aprilmoonflower]

sometimes I wonder if we are just looking for answers? does that make sense? sometimes I feel like whatever a medium could tell me I could turn it into something, somehow. I guess I am just a bit skeptical..though I totally beleive some people can feel other energies,etc. totally not discounting anyone's experience either. I have had my own experiences.just thinking out loud, so to speak.

one time I asked DH to give me a sign that maybe he was still with me somehow..within 5 min. of me asking, I was walking by a shelf in my livng room and it fell on me! (all 80lbs of this humungo shelf! I'm lucky it didn't kill me!) I will never ask for a sign again.lol.

what do you all think of John Edward? DH and I always used to watch that show together and always thought he was for real!!! (I know some people will disagree) My SIL and I were going to go last year but then I decided not to! I guess I am just chicken! (Plus it was insanley expensive and I would have driven for 2 days with 2 babies!)

[rodless]

I watched John Edward the other night for the first time. It seems like he's sincere but who knows?? I do think we're all reaching for answers but I think it's ok to explore if you can keep your head on straight and not go overboard for anything.

As far as signs... let me tell you about my feathers. Rod was always a bird person and the day he was diagnosed he found a feather on his chair outside and decided it was from his mother who died of cancer when he was a child. He glued it into a hat band. Since then I have found feathers when I've been really discouraged. I'm not sure if we just have a lot of molting birds or what, but I did find one inside the door of the library when I was leaving work one day. And one night when I was just ranting at him in the cemetary for leaving me with such a mess with his kids, then calmed down and said if he understood, I needed to find a feather.... a few steps later there was one of the ground. This has happened over and over. There is always just one so I know it's not a bird that's been attacked by a cat or something. Call me crazy but it lifts my spirits.

MAry Jo

[lindat]

I just finished reading "Crossing Over" by John Edward. It was a really good book and I have felt better since reading it.

I have stopped driving for the night and I am in Franklin, TN. I think it is going to get cold here too. All of you are in my thoughts, lots of time to think while driving alone.

[missinmyhubby]

Aprilmoonflower...OMG...you made me laugh so hard, just what I needed. Not because the shelf fell on you (I am glad you did not get hurt), but because of the way you said it. Thanks again for making me smile!

I don't have much to say on the medium topic...I think it would be great to see him, but I am afraid I would pay money I don't really have and walk away with nothing.

For all of you who have dreamed of your husbands, I am envious. I have had three dreams. Two right after his death, and one just not too long ago. I was getting very discouraged that I could not see him in my dreams. The very first one I could see him in a crowd of people and we were trying to make our way to one another but just couldn't, then I was awoken by one of my sister's kids running in the house and was so upset. I wanted to stay there in my dream if only to see his face. Shortly after that, I had one where we got to spend one weekend together. He had come back and that was it, two days. We were driving down the highway in Michigan, where we lived when he passed, talking of stupid things. I kept trying to tell my kids to leave me alone, I wanted to spend all my time with dad before he left again for good this time. I was mad at the kids for interrupting. Somehow I was awoken that time as well. Then three years...nothing. I was not even remembering dreaming of anything at all. Then occasionally I was dreaming of off the wall things and remembering them once in awhile...none including him. Then all of a sudden a couple of weeks ago I had the worse dream possible of my husband (dream #3). He came back from the dead with the pasty look and all. I was living in some weird unknown place...apartment somewhere and apparently working somewhere. The whole dream was that as long as I spent time with him he would stay alive, but near death. If I left, the longer I was gone the closer to death he became. So, I could not leave his side. I would go pee and he would be nearly gone...I would go to the kitchen and he would be even closer to death. This kept going on and on and on. My work called and said if I didn't show up I would be fired. For fear of losing my job and having to support my kids, I told him I had to go to work. I spent the entire weekend with him prior to Monday...no peeing, eating etc, trying to give him as much life as I could. When I returned from work he was gone. In the dream I was figuring that he ran off somewhere to die. I was so damn sad. Next thing I know, I am laying in bed with some guy getting ready to have sex in the apartment and half expecting my husband to show up. After all, I did not know if he was dead or not since he was gone when I got home from work. TALK ABOUT MESSED UP!!!! WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!? I was very upset when I awoke. Feeling guilty for his dying, being with someone else, sad because he was gone again and so many more messed up mixed emotions...ACKK!!!

Okay..the spirit issue and signs!!! I was not a believer until after my husband passed. I often question myself if I am just really trying to have him close or if he really is. However, there are just some things that are unexplainable!!! For example...right after he passed my kids were out in Nv. with my family and I was left to pack up our home and move all of our stuff. The first day I finally got up and out of the house was the first weird event. I NEVER listened to anything in my car but country music. My husband listened to different types of music to include soft rock and classic rock from the 80’s. Mind you, nobody I knew any longer was in Michigan. I got in my car, turned on the ignition, and on came the radio. IT WAS NOT ON MY STATION!!! I don’t know what station it was on or what song was playing, but I changed it and quick!!! Then instantly I was upset that I didn’t hear what song was playing. When I came back from where I had gone I was half expecting to walk around the corner to our house and see him sitting outside in his favorite chair smoking a ciggy. Instead, I walked into the house and on the counter top in the kitchen was a bottle of partially drunken bud light… I DON’T DRINK. Then, the next few days and plenty of times since, until I traded in our car more weird stuff happened. Again, remember, that nobody was around. I am short and NEVER raise the headrests in my car, so of course I am going to notice when they are moved, especially when nobody has been in my car. One day I got in and the passenger headrest was all the way up. I looked at it and remember saying out loud…Mark, this **** aint funny…and then I put it down. The next time I got in the driver’s side was all the way up. I shook my head and put it down. And so it went for sometime…every time I got in the car a different headrest was up. I of course was NOT telling anyone about this for fear of someone calling the nuthouse. Then it stopped for awhile. The next weird thing…a male friend of mine was staying over at my new house by my family in Nevada. We were sitting up talking before I went upstairs to go to bed. He followed me up there to have a ciggy with me before I retired for the evening. He had made a comment about the shirt I was wearing to bed looking like a “wife beater” shirt. Okay, this shirt was a sleeveless t-shirt that belonged to my husband. I have since stopped wearing his clothes all the time for bed, but at the time found it comforting. I had never heard this term until right before my husband died, and it was made in reference to a tank top t-shirt my son wore home from a friends house after staying the night one night. My husband was clearly upset that son had called it a “wife beater” shirt and made him take it off instantly. I had made a comment to my male friend about how the hubby would be highly upset to hear somebody call his shirt a “wife beater” and left it at that. The next morning my friend told me a story. He said that night he had laid his cigarettes and lighter down on the table next to wear he slept. He said he awoke awhile later and could not find his cigs or lighter. He said he looked all over the floor for them and all around where he had been to no avail. In the morning when he awoke, he said his cigs and lighter were right where he had left them. With a smile on my face, I told him of the story of my husband and son and the “wife beater” t-shirt…then smiled and quietly said, “I guess you should not have insulted his shirt.” Other things have happened as well, maybe I will get into more later, but for now I have written a book and need to go eat. God bless you all!!! Again, thanks for reading and sharing… J

Angel

[mishknit]

April...

like Angel..you made me laugh so hard! A shelf?!!! wouldn't a gentle wafting breeze, a feel of a kiss, a sign of love, be enough? NO..he has to throw a shelf at you!!!! LOL!!!!

I, too have had many, many small signs..I guess I'm just looking for something big. I have been into tarot and runes years ago, and till have runes. I picked a stone the other night..the blank one, a blank slate. Picked it again last night..ssame one..maybe that's a sign too..of a new life. I don't want a new life, but we are thrust into it, like it or not.

I'm still debateing the medium...I'll let you all know..opf course!

goodnight,

michele

[messenger]

HI LADIES,,,,,,,,,,,,I HAVE NOT LOST MY HUSBAND BUT DID LOSE MY SON....I WAS READING YOUR POSTS..I ENJOY READING ABOUT SIGNS OTHERS HAVE FROM THEIR LOVED ONES..........I KEEP PRAYING FOR MY SON TO GIVE ME SIGNS...........DREAMS..ETS..MAYBE I TOO...........SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL AFTER READING ANGELS POST!!!!!!!!IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE IT SPREADS THRU OUT ALL OF BEYOND INDIGO!! KEEP IT UP..

IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[messenger]

HI LADIES,,,,,,,,,,,,I HAVE NOT LOST MY HUSBAND BUT DID LOSE MY SON....I WAS READING YOUR POSTS..I ENJOY READING ABOUT SIGNS OTHERS HAVE FROM THEIR LOVED ONES..........I KEEP PRAYING FOR MY SON TO GIVE ME SIGNS...........DREAMS..ETS..MAYBE I TOO...........SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL AFTER READING APRILS POST!!!!!!!!IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE IT SPREADS THRU OUT ALL OF BEYOND INDIGO!! KEEP IT UP..

IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[airymoon]

hi all. Signs huh perfect subject. feathers are such a common object it's hard to believe they're really signs, until you realize the frequency that you are finding them. Like pennies. After my husband died Mye daughter was having ahard time. She didn't want people to see her sad and she didn't want anything to do with anything of her dads things. she was kind of afraid of them. Someone sent us the poem Pennies From Heaven. It's basically that a found penny is a penny your loved one sends from heaven to cheer you up and let you know he is with you. My daughter started finding pennies everywhere. Then after a bad time for me I started findin them then my son's did. we were find 1-2 a day. that's not all. Last night was a bad bad bad night I need to refinance my house but the payments are going to double and interest is going to be higher. I stressed until 2:30 am. then I took a hot shower and cried. I prayed in the shower for god to help me not be so angry abd to please let kurt help me with the decision on the house.Then I said " honey if your truly with us and if your are with Emily then I need a sign. I need abig one. have Emily hold my hand if your with her have her give me a hug." Emily is an autistic 3 year old my husband worked with occasionally at the pre school I work at. She never makes eye contact and doesn't like to be touched. Kurt was one of the only ones who could hold her.All day nothing. Then as her class was leaving she ran to me. Her aid stopped her but I said "Please let her go" She actually jumped into my arms and gave me a big hug. Then in the play room she saw me from across the room and came to me again, when her aid tried to take her she started fussing. I said " Mr kurt doy you see him?" she stopped fussing and held my face in both her hands and looked right into my eyes. I could see she recognized me. Then she looked over my shoulder and smiled. THere was nobody there. I felt his presence so strongly then and the rest of the day.TOO COOL when she gave me my first hug I sware I could see my husband with that smiled he had when he pulled one over on me. Knowing he is walking with Emily is a little bit of peace in my world now. I felt so safe after that I haven't felt that way since his death. Sorry this is so long but I needed to tell someone.Also on the way home I felt like I heard him say "Don't do the loan. Wait and see>" I felt a big relief after that.

[rodless]

airymoon, you're right about feathers being so common. Took me awhile to realize what was happening. Once I decided they were something special, I started picking them up and putting them in a container. I have quite a collection of different kinds including a peacock feather from a park. It makes me feel good to see them....will be interesting to see if this continues through winter. Everyone have a good day! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

I just had a long post typed up and the computer froze up when I went to send it (the page said I lost connection to this site) weird...anywho I will have to rewrite it later!!! Diapers need to be changed, baby needs a bath, the floor needs mopped as my 2yo broke 3 packs of eggs open this morning and played in it! =( and I still need to make breakfast....ack! I'll be back later!

[darleneandhunter]

I sat here reading pages of posts I missed. Boy, I was gone a little bit...lol.

I have been going through alot of crazy things. My son's birthday was a big hit. I am working on a photo album in my fotki photo account. It isn't public yet because I am working on captioning.

The craft fair I did last weekend went well, but it exhausted me. I haven't had a minute's peace, and I have been on the go go go until tonight. Because of the long hours we kept for the fair, i promised my son we wouldn't do any fairs this weekend. my house is still a mess because I haven't had time to clean it...lol. I am hoping to get some control over this place by the end of the weekend.

MEDIUMS -

Well, I went to one. Three months after Mark's death, I was driving by a palmist/card reader's place and decided to stop in. I drive by this place ALL THE TIME and never gavwe it a thought until then. It was rainy that day, and I was as down as I thought I could ever be. I thought that maybe if I got a reading I might feel a little better. Prior to that, I hadn't seen any kind of psychic for at least 20 years. Not that I didn't believe in them, I just never felt the need to want to know anything about the future. I also never felt the need to want to talk to anyone from the other side until then, either.

I sat in the lot for about 15 minutes. I was debating going in or ont. I hid anything and everything that could possibly give the reader any clues as to why I was there. I sucked up my tears and put on a happy face.

A woman came from out back and asked me what type of reading I would like, and I told her the works. She gave me an odd look, but ushered me into a little cubby decorated with buddhist statues, bejeweled elephants, and large gemstone pyramids. The smell of sandalwood and nag champa incense was thick. It was actually rather calming. This woman asked me when was the last reading, and I told her 20 years. I get a very surprized look from her...lol. She told me it wasn't good to get them very often, and that once or twice a year is sufficient. Knowing what I know about this business, it was a very good sign that this woman was real. She had me touch and shuffle a very large deck of tarot cards, then she had me sit with my hands on the table, palms up. As she started the reading, I took a deep breath and sat quietly. I remained as emotionless as possible, listening to her speak. She touched my hands. She said so many things that she could not have possibly known. Near the end, she told me of a bearded man standing behind my left shoulder that had passed recently. Mark stood behind my left shoulder rather often, so that wasn't an unusual place for him to be. She said that I didn't have to worry because he had forgiven me and was at complete peace with what had happened. He supposedly told her that he would watch over our son for as long as he was allowed, and even mentioned our son's name. What are the odds of THAT?

She told me that he wanted me to give them the ring back. The woman asked if I knew what that meant because he seemed adamant about telling me to give it back and stop holding it hostage. She said there was a dark piece of furniture that I should get rid of because it was only going to bring more pain if I kept it. She described it perfectly, right down to the missing drawer pulls and crooked bottom drawer. It was Mark's FATHER'S dresser!

I had not said one word at this point, and tried as hard as I could not to show any emotion on my face. When she finished, I then reached in my shirt and pulled out the keepsake urn with Mark's ashes in it. She went pale. She said that was him. I proceeded to tell her that this was the reason I came. She said so many things that were dead on that she could not have possibly known. The thing she mentioned to give back was that stupid ugly ring that his mother asked me for within the first hour of finding out about Mark's death. It was the same ring I was holding hostage because she had made promises to our son that she didn't keep. She also mentioned the little dolphin wind chime that Mark put up on the TV that is still there. SHe mentioned our fight, all of it. She couldn't have known any of it.

I don't have plans on going to a psychic again any time soon. The things she told me gave me an odd sort of comfort, even though I hurt like all hell inside.

I don't think I ever mentioned the visit to the psychic here, but I could be wrong. I forget about alot of things these days...lol.

I am also doing a few things for Breast Cancer Awareness. My grandmother(my father's mother) died of breat cancer 6 years before I was born. My family is heavily into supporting breast cancer charities and research. My aunt and I have been working on some pink angel pins that I am now selling on eBay and donating 90% of the proceeds to a local breast cancer charity. I am only keeping 10% to cover my auction costs.

With the holidays approaching fast, I am going to be very busy. Busy is good, but not good enough for me to get through our first holidays without Mark. I just know I am gonna fall apart.....

Dar

[lindat]

Just checking in.... I got to FL yesterday and arrived in MS today. We had Terry's birthday party in the FEMA trailer and my grandson did magic tricks. Terry always made a big deal of his birthday and always did the magic tricks for the kids. We had his favorite cake and sang happy birthday and all of us blew out his candles together. The grandkids decided he should be 63 because that would be the correct year if he were here. I made it through without crying, no small feat. We went through photos of us after Katrina and his birthday last year, seems like only yesterday. Now if I can get through Halloween, his favorite holiday of all - the rest of the year will be easier. We have all been through so much that it seems as though we are all still numb. Thinking of you all and wishing you peace.

[mishknit]

Hi all.....

well, this evening I went into Tom's closet to at least make a sstab at cleaning it out. I thought I'd pack up all of his ties (there's a story there), because my son wants them all. So I did that, and my son wandered into the room to see what i was doing .\

well.......

5 bags of clothes to go, 1 bag of shoes, 1 bag of clothes to be cut and made into a memory quilt by my neighbor, stuff i kept, stuff and shoes my boy kept, and 2 shirts and a sweater that, miraculously, still smell like tom later....it's done! the closet is empty, and my son and i did it together. we laughed and cried and remembered, and it was so right...so right.

i feel like i've been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, like a gelatinous mess, but it's done.

Now, I just don't know what he'll wear when he comes home......

sigh,

michele

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning to all.........

Well as usual the calendar keeps on moving along. So today is 10 months since Curtis passed away. It is much easier for me to say died by now but I still feel better saying passed away.

We have scheduled moving him to where I live now for this coming Tuesday. Thankfully I will only be here when they bring him. I am having a few people come to the gravesite and my preacher is coming also.

When I think back to his funeral, we had a gathering at the cemetery but never actually went to the grave site. That was my choice, I did not want to see them lower him into a grave! But now I think I will feel more comfort with it. He will be here. I can go visit every night if I want to. I can put out some of his favorite things.

We used to have 3 squirrel feeders and 4 bird feeders at our other home. I plan to keep some sunflower seeds out there for the birds and squirrels. I know he would love that. I also plan to try my best to keep an American flag there also. I want people who drive through the cemetery to know there is a great American Veteran buried there.

I realise some of this is for ME but I also plan to be buried beside him one day. Where he is now, they would not sell me a plot next to him. And after 36 years I can't imagine not being laid to rest one day without him beside me.

Sorry for the long post. If I can just get through November and December, maybe life will look better.

Debbie................Missing Curtis

[susanbruce]

A weekend again... I am going to drive up to Austin to see my sister in an hour or so. Don't really want to go but she is anxious to see me so I will go for her. Yesterday was Bruce and I's 27th wedding anniversary. I didn't fall apart like I thought I would. For some reason the day really drove home to me that he is gone and I will have to face it, like it or not. The realization of that today has got me down. I think I will have a good cry on my 3 hour drive to Austin.

Debbie, I am so glad that you are going to have Curtis near you. Doing all the nice things with the squirrel and bird feeders plus the flag will give you the feeling that you are still taking care of him. Bruce is not far from me. I go there to visit usually twice a week. You can stock up on flags at Michaels or Hobby Lobby.

Michelle, I admire you and your son for having the courage to go thru his clothes. I haven't and don't know when or if I ever will. It doesn't bother me to have all of things around as though he still lives here. Some people may say that means I am in denial but I am comfortable. I think if I didn't have them around it would be worse. His shampoo is still in the shower, his shaver is still plugged in and charging where he left it everyday. All kinds of things like that around to remind that he was once here.

Darlene, your visit to the medium sounds very intriguing. I am afraid, apprehensive but curious. I know for a fact that Bruce would be upset if I spent a huge amount of money to go but deep down he would understand why I chose to go. I might check into it.

Linda, you are a strong woman. I wish some of you would rub off on me!!!

Take care ladies, thinking about all of you. Susan

[darleneandhunter]

Susan

It wasn't alot of money, a pittance really. It was worth the 60 bucks and two hours spent there , even if all it did was make me feel better. The truth is subjective. I may never really know anything about what happens when someone dies, but it was amazing to hear some of the things this woman said. I left there a little more at peace with myself than when I got there.

Does it make it hurt any less? Absolutely not. I needed to feel something when I went there, and I did. It was just enough of a little blanket to keep me from feeling naked and exposed to the rest of the world.

[rodless]

Darlene, Your story about the medium was awesome. I don't feel like I really need to go to one - from the reading I've done and the things discussed here, it just reinforces the idea that Rod is around me all the time.

Susan, I had a good cry (on and off for 3 hrs) on my way home from my daughter's this afternoon. I don't know what it is about driving that makes me so boohooey - a friend says too much time to think. I hit the 100 day mark tomorrow, seems like 100 years.

Linda, I too admire all you have been through. I can't imagine going through this without a home to be in. You are one brave, special lady!

Debbie, You will like having Curtis's grave where you can visit. I go almost everyday and I don't know why it brings me so much peace, but it really does. I know he's not there, don't feel his presence any stronger than any other place but I always feel better after a visit.

Michele, I've been working slowly on cleaning out the junk that was left in the shop. It hurts to see it so empty. Filled one of the peg boards that his kids stripped with pictures and another with a favorite poster about tranquility.

Everyone else, thank you all for posts on this board. It is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a bad day... and this was one.

Mary Jo

[foxfire]

It's been a little over two months, and so far I have done pretty well - really lossed it last thursday, it snowed, Raymond hated the snow, the cold - I just crashed and burned. I haven't stopped crying since that day.

I can't seem to move on, when I see all those other couples, I just don't understand why it had to be him, had to be me? I finally found someone to share my life with again, and now he is gone, I just hate my life. No one seems to understand my grief, everyone just wants you to say that things are ok - how can they be ok. I just want to know why, why? it could have been anyone, why did it have to be Raymond? I know, no one knows the answers, but I just hate life.

I really just hate the good times other couples seem to have, I feel so cheated, my good friends are planning their return trip to Phoenix for the winter, and I come home to an empty house, no one to talk to, etc., I just hate that everyone can just go on and plan their future, when I have no future.

Sorry, I don't mean to be so negative, but I just can't seem to handle it all right now.

[mishknit]

oh foxfire.....

you are so early on this journey, and , believe me, all of us here felt as you do at one time or another..and still do.

it isn't fair, it sucks, other couples make us sad and jealous and lonely. That's all so natural, and so a part of what I call moving ahead rather than moving on. We can't move on...we begin to accept,and little by little, we move ahead with our lives..one step forward, two back, 4 forward, 1 back....and so on. Is is rough and horrible to lose our loves. I won't give you any platitudes...we get through it as we are able to, and you will too. Hang in there, come to the bb and be as negative as you want to be...we don't care. We're all in the same boat here, and we all understand.

Take care,

michele

[missinmyhubby]

I just got finished readying everyone's posts...I AM HUGGING YOU!!!

Foxfire, I am hugging you hardest! As mishknit just posted...hang in there. I know it's hard to read that, and I didn't believe anyone at first either about it getting better, but it does.

Darlene, I was wondering what had happened to you, as I hadn't seen you post lately. The story of your reading sounds very cool. It's nice to know they are still with us.

Linda, I find it interesting alot the places that you and I have traveled are the same. Where in Ms. are you now? I loved Starkville! Hats off to you lady, keep up the strong in you!

Michelle, I have had Mark's belongings packed up (because I had to move right after his death) and was eventually going to give them to the kids one day. I had never heard of making a memory quilt before, but you have given me a brilliant idea!!! Maybe I will have one made for each child with all his clothes left behind...I absolutely love the idea!!!

I envy all of you that get to go by the grave site and visit. As I said before, I have not been back up to Wisconsin since right after we buried him. I know his spirit is not there anymore, and I feel him near often, but i think I would still find some comfort in being where his body still is...

I am having a pretty good day, and sometimes to talk about all of this stirs it all up. All I know, is that three years later, I still hate the holiday's now, but have to keep the face on for everyone else. Our last halloween he took the kids trick-0-treating because I had to fly. While they were out they found our lost kitty at someone's house they went up to. Our 3 year old shouted..."there's baby kitty" and the fellow returned her to us with no questions asked. Thanksgiving was always great, wow that man could cook!!! I miss his cooking, and some meals I just don't know how to duplicate. I remember right after he passed standing in the empty dining room while packing the house and crying so hard because I would never taste his bbq wings ever again...they were the bomb!!! I was wondering how I was going to feed the kids now, and scared because I wouldn't be able to make the meals for them he made that they loved. And, I had to go to the store and buy tampons and pads and called my bestfriend bawling because I didn't know what kind to get. Mark had always done the shopping and put my feminine products in a cute little holder for me under the bathroom sink and threw the wrappings away. Everyone in Meijers must have thought me insane!!! I was forced to put everything away and I hated it!!! And Christmas, he always wore the Santa hat, wrapped presents with me all night, and played Santa for the kids in the morning. Then cooked yet another awesome meal. The holidays are so different without him here.....I have a video of our last christmas....the video camera and how we acquired it..what a story...some other time I guess.

Well, I think that's enough, I am starting to feel sad. Hugs to each and everyone of you!!!

Time to eat my Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.

[missinmyhubby]

Ohhhhh....

Aprilmoonflower...I read how you said you wrote a post and it wouldn't let you post it because you timed out. That happened to me one night when I was trying to list a bunch of songs on here for Darlene (sorry Darlene, I still need to repost them for you). Anywho, now I write what I want on notepad, then copy and paste it to the board...it won't time out on you then...just a thought for you!

[darleneandhunter]

Foxfire

What you are feeling is perfectly normal, especially this soon. I know at two months, I was still in shock. I crashed and burned over something that was seemingly insignificant. I think we all have to go through the crash and burn phase. We run on adrenaline for the first few months, then BOOM! you feel like you've been kicked by a mule.

Unless they have been there, no one is going to understand. I have lost other people in my life, but none of them ever affected me the way losing Mark did.

Monday makes 9 months. I still have my days, but it seems a bit easier. I wouldn't say normal, because I am still trying to figure that one out.

Mary Jo

I have a hard time driving as well. It seems that my mind and my emotions go into overdrive. In the beginning, I spent many hours driving around aimlessly. Although I don't really understand it, I think I was searching for something that would tell me this was all a horrible nightmare, and that I would eventually wake up and things would be like they were supposed to be. I had to eventually settle into the reality that this was NOT a bad dream, but a reality that I hated more than anything. Now when I drive, I try to just go from point A to point B as quickly as I can so I don't spend too much time thinking. Even then, I am still in tears off and on until I stop the car.

I am determined that my son is going to enjoy himself no matter what it takes. I took him to a haunted house tonight. It was his first one ever. As hard as it all is, I am forcing myself to do them, even though doing them without Mark is ripping my guts out. I hated taking Hunter to his first haunted house without his father. But, he is a young boy depending on me to show him the ropes, teach him about life, and keep him safe along the way. There are some mornings I wake up, see the light and think oh ****, I am still here, still alive. Like I have said many times in the past, this has nothing to do with suicide. It just has to do with me not having the energy to face another day without Mark. Sometimes I feel that if I just slept for the rest of my life, things would be so much easier and far less painful. But I always end up getting out of bed and facing my life as it is now. It's always painful, sometimes unbearably so, but that little man who is the spitting image of his father needs me. He's my reason to even bother getting out of bed. And tomorrow, just like every other day since january 16, 2006, I will dread waking up, but I will do it just for him.

[darleneandhunter]

and PS....

I also use notepad before posting. it saves the whole timing out issue and losing a post that you've worked hard on. The first time I posted here that happened to me, and then I started using notepad with 100% success. I leave all the recent discussions up, write my post, then hit reply to this discussion, then copy and paste it. It gives you the time to correct typos, and if you have to suddenly get off the comp, you can save the post in a file and finish it later.

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

I am up and getting ready to go to church. Curtis and I were both Baptist (he converted after we were married) and we used to attend church regularly. Then a few years back we quit going.

I miss the fellowship and since I have moved back to my hometown, I am attending the church I grew up attending.

I have not been going every week but that is going to be one of my goals this fall and winter. I like listening to Christian music and Curtis was a big music person. He played the piano by "ear". I think music keeps me close to him and to God.

I don't know how big of a part religion is in your life but I do know that God will listen when we cry and whine and pray. He knows our deepest feelings and gives comfort. It is all about Faith and Trust, I guess.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Debbie...............Missing Curtis...........

[lindat]

Susan, thanks, but much of the time I don't feel that strong. I have no choice but to keep on truckin, so taking one day at a time. Katrina took so much from all of us that I don't have any right to decide not to go on. As long as I HAVE to go on, I am trying to make the best of it. Some days are more successful than others, but it is getting a little easier. Much of what I have gone through the last few months, was not by choice. When Terry died Jan 17th, we had to be out of the place we were staying by the end of the month anyway so I packed whatever we had left from Katrina and headed back to MS. I gave the rest of his belongings to his 10 children - not much left to split amongst that many. I only kept his computer and his hairbrush, his meds and his cell phone (the stuff he would not have left home without). I have been on the road since and that is also a mixed blessing. The last day of my job in MI, someone told me that I was SO lucky to be able to travel all over the country...

The journey that we are all on takes place on the inside and the external stuff is in many ways separate. Each of us have many external challenges that we meet, despite the struggle that we are going through. My challenges are not harder or easier than yours, just a little different. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to raise children at this time, or keep a demanding job, or be alone for days on end. While it would be great to have a home, I am sure that for some of you that home is a constant reminder of what you no longer have. Depending on the kindnesses of others for a place to live is hard, but always having someone to talk to is a blessing. I have been very lucky in that the people that I have stayed with (family members) have not pressed me to talk, but they seem ready to listen when I decide to. I am very lucky to work for a company that will let me work anywhere that I am staying, and so far every boss that has been understanding and has respected my privacy. The endless hours driving alone are the toughest of all. I thought the trip from San Diego to Detroit would never end. Luckily, at the same time that I was on that trip, a friend of mine (retired firefighter) was riding a bike from Oregon to the east coast alone. He did it for charity - proceeds went to the Great Lakes Burn Center. Always something to keep it in perspective LOL.

Mary Jo, Some day I will have a home again, but I imagine that I will look back on this time and wish I had been able to more truly enjoy this once in a lifetime chance to see the country and have extended visits with my family that are spread out everywhere. I am heading back to San Diego soon, I have driven full circle LOL. Hopefully the holidays with my family will make wonderful new memories to look back on. There is a lot of road between here and there to rant and cry and heal - it is the only way to get from point A to point B.

April, right now I am in Pass Christian, MS - near Biloxi and Gulfport. I haven't been home since March and it looks a little better. The salt water had turned all the grass and trees dark and they are now plush green again. The trash is mostly gone, but many people are still in tents even more than a year later. I have passed fields of unused FEMA trailers in many places in this country so that makes me angry. Most of the casinos are back in business and packed with people - a good thing for the cities that have them. My town didn't want a casino so it will be a longer road back for them. Our downtown was totally destroyed so we have also lost our commercial tax base.

Foxfire, Be good to yourself and very patient. As the shock wears off, it becomes more difficult, but promise it will get better with time. You are in my prayers.

Darlene, I was looking at your jewelry website, you do really nice work. I also enjoyed your post about the reading... I would love to do that, but I worry that I might find out something negative about the future and I don't think I could handle that right now. Ignorance may be bliss

[rodless]

Foxfire, I am also fairly new to this grief. Up and down, up and down. Today is a good day - worked in the yard, walked the dog, talked to a friend. Take the good ones and cherish them. There will be more and more as we go on. I was reading a book today that said when you're going through the valley, take a look at the mountains surrounding it. A valley is not a box canyon - it does end and you will start up the mountainside. I always did like the mountains and I hope to be there again. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

I am embarrased to admit this but I have no clue if I even have a notepad. lol. I know how to uplaod pics and that's about it.lol. I have a dvd and cd burner untouched since DH died as well..I have no clue how to use them! ahhh well just some of the many things I need to learn to do myself now that he is gone..

I am feeling pretty good. mostly numb. I feel like the last 13 months have been a blur! now I have 2 toddlers who need me so much. it's all so scary too! btw my 2yo DS keeps asking "where did daddy go?", I usually tell him "Daddy went bye bye." or "Daddy died." now he's taken to responding with "he went to eat." it is too funny and I have to laugh every time he says it.. as food was one of DH greatest loves in life!

lindat-I can imagine traveling is a bit healing and numbing at the same time. I guess just enjoy what you can! I'm sorry you are having to go back to your "home" that must be tough. I will be thinking of you and I hope you have a good time visiting with your family. safe travels!

Debbie- I am glad you can find peace in your faith and church. I think that's awesome. I am not religious at all but envy those with nice church communities!

Darlene- cool story about your trip to the pshycic! also, I know how you are feeling trying to be the best mother's we can be. it's so hard. yet it does help in healing a little I think. I keep thinking how lost I really would be without my 2 kids!

missingmyhubby- I have to laugh at the end of your post, as I wonder how much Ben & Jerry's I have eaten since DH died. At one time shortly after he died I was hoarding it (I think I had a dozen or so flavors in the freezer at one point) and that's about all I ate for dinner for a few weeks! mmmmm. comfort food!

susan- I have gone through 2 anniversaries so far and it's really just another day..a sucky day but another one we have to face, like it or not. I always try to think of happy times (even though they make me sad) we only had 8 years together. not long at all. it seems like someone else's life at this point, not mine! anyway, I hope you had a good trip. maybe getting out of town will be good and all..

michele-I'm glad you got through your DH closet! how do you feel? I am petrified of looking at an empty closet so I keep putting it off. I have gotten rid of his shoes and everything in his dresser. I randomly will find things and toss them. it's soo difficult though at times! I recently got rid of 2 of his shotguns and feel super guilty! I don't know why though. I hate guns and he barely used them anyway! it's just hard to let go of things..

foxfire- I hear you! I am not so much jeleous for other couples. I feel sorry for them that they too will eventually lose their mate. it sucks..

[rodless]

April, I sometimes wonder how those who told me things to do etc. will cope when it's their turn... you're right - it sucks! And 1/2 of every couple is going to find that out. Discouraging. MJ

[rodless]

Sorry for so many posts today - meant to ask what is half baked ice cream? Not familiar with that flavor... of course in outer Iowa you're lucky to find B&J's at all. MJ

[computermemaw2]

I am embarrased to admit this but I have no clue if I even have a notepad.

Aprilmoonflower, on your computer, look at the bottom of the screen. Click on Start, Programs, Accessories, Notepad. There you go.

What I do sometimes if I'm writing a long note to you guys, is to highlight everything I've typed (you do that by clicking with your mouse in front of whatever you want to highlight and hold down the left button on our mouse and drag down until you have highlighted everything you want to copy) before hitting the post now button, then click the right button on my mouse and select copy. Or you can hit the control and C keys at the same time. Then I hit the post now button. If I get the message I've timed out, then I just click my mouse in the comments box, then click the right button on my mouse and select paste. Or you can hit the control and V keys. There's the stuff I just copied.

I read your posts every day, but don't always add a comment because things are still just too close to home for me. 2 years, 10 months, and 15 days still find me in tears. I still have melt downs at times, but most of the time now it's just tears of sadness, over in a few minutes once I get a grip on my emotions. I'mm going through the motions, but no longer get joy out of things like I used to. The person I was died with my husband. Now I'm trying to find out who I am. My grown daughter asked me a couple of days ago if everything was alright, that I'd been really quiet for about a week now. I just replied, nothing's wrong, I'm just missing your dad. The upcoming holidays just make me sad when I remember how much Eddy loved them. I don't do holidays any more. It's kinda like I'm in limbo with them. I will say, though that I'm still surprised at how much I still hurt whenever I go to Wal-Mart or Sears and pass by the men's department. That's almost my undoing. I am so envious of each of you who have been able to draw strength from your faith and family. Although I pray, I am still mad at God, and my family and friends don't have a clue. My sister has said to me "you need to move, start out fresh, it'll be a new beginning." I just remain silent and think to myself, your husband is 12 years older than you (he's 62), let's see how you feel when you're walking in my shoes. My dad just turned 80 and my mother-in-law will turn 81 in January. My husband was just 54. I am so angry at the time that was taken away from us, but I try really hard to remember that we had 36 years together and to be grateful for that. Gayle

[airymoon]

Rodless,

I had my 100 day a couple of weeks back. For some reason that day was harder than the 1,2or 3 month. It sent me over the edge for a couple of days too. EVERYTHING was too much to handle. It all passed in a kind of a daze. I know that is not the last bad day but I,m hoping they get farther apart.

Foxfire,

Oh honey, I know where you are coming from. I still don’t like my life. My hubby was only 43 when he died. I don’t know why he died or what killed him. He collapsed at work and I could not afford an autopsy. The funeral director told me that sometimes an autopsy will cause discoloration in somebody. I could not put my kids through that so I didn’t have one done. Not knowing how he died is torture. All questions and no answers. The anger is unbelievable. I can’t look at retired couples because I feel cheated. The site of a couple holding hands makes me want to punch them. It’s been 31/2 months now and the anger is lessening but I know it is still there. I try to remember that it is not the other persons fault. And that people who say things are trying to be helpful, They just don’t understand. I tell myself that I will never get the answers to my questions and the more I try the worse it will be. Some answers are better left unknown. I was going to ask an EMT friend of mine to find out if my husband had regained a heartbeat in the ambulance (I wasn’t with him because I wasn’t told how serious it was. He was already gone when they called me) but the thought of him being alone and me not being able to say goodbye before he was gone when I could have, is something I can’t face. When my anger was at it’s worst my kids and I built a deck. We always loved adding things to the house and I wasn’t sure if I could do it without kurt but that wasn’t the point. It was therapy. I started out with a 6X6 deck and ended with a 14x28 deck I guess I had more anger than I had thought but boy did it feel good to dig holes and pound the boards!! I do have to admit I put in more nails than I needed to just so I could hit something. The deck is far from perfect, not square and kinda ugly but oh well. I think the important thing is to do something to get the anger out. I needed to feel physical pain and exhaustion with the mental pain and exhaustion I was feeling. Sore muscles and working 10 hours in the hot sun helped. Now it feels like something good came out of that pain so maybe there will be something from the mental stuff too. Just hang in there and keep coming back here. These ladies have really helped me know I’m not alone. BTW speaking of stupid things people say: My mother inlaw (not close at all) lost her husband three years ago and she tells me all the time she knows what I’m going through. How can she? They were in their 70’s when he passed and had grand kids. Our oldest hadn’t even graduated from high school yet. She also told me a week after the funeral that if I wanted to remarry it was alright with her.You know when I was ready . Oh, and while we were planning the funeral she told me she didn’t think we would make it a year when we first were married. We were married 21 years. I just tell myself she doesn’t mean any harm, Besides I had him for 23 years if you count dating time and she only had him for 20 so I have a 1 up on her and when I feel petty I think about these things. Each day gets a little better and I try to keep the good days close and acknowledge the bad but not dwell.

Becky

[aprilmoonflower]

rodless- I know what you mean. I am so there with you! I almost pity other couples at times! I guess that is my way of dealing with jeleousy maybe? though I am not really jeleous as my DH had a relationship alot of people don't find in a lifetime. and beleive me I know as I was married and divorced previously! I guess I have to just think I am lucky in whatever way I can to justify things to myself! coping mechanism I guess????

Becky- awesome about your deck! I wish I could do something like that! btw I know people say the dumbest things sometimes! (And it's usually always family members!) accck!

Gayle- thanks! I found the notepad! (I feel like a total idiot for not knowing these things!) and I can totally relate to trying to figue out who you are. I have no idea! I feel like my whole life has been ripped away from me. Things are bound to get better though, I can only hope! I keep telling myself if I can get this far I can get through mostly anything. wishful thinking..

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all!

Rodless....Half Baked Ben & Jerry's is a combo of two ice creams in one. They mix Chocolate Fudge Brownie and Cookie Dough together...it's pretty tasty and EXCELLENT COMFORT FOOD!!!

Well, it's after 11pm..just got back from a day at the beach with some evening fishing. I am tired and ready to hit the hay.

Night and may we all find smiles throughout the week.

Angel

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

After reading some of the posts from yesterday, it got me to thinking.

Curtis and I always thought we would grow old together. We did have 36 years together but now I face the rest of my life alone. We did not have any children and that makes it harder I think.

Every now and then I think of people I know who have married late in years after their spouses died. We used to have some neighbors who dated in high school but married others. They got together after their 50 year school reunion.

So don't give up on ever being happy again. No matter your age. God may have someone special for you even if you don't expect it.

I am learning to make new friends and get with my old friends here where I moved. God has brought me a long ways already. I am trying to find out who I really am through this.

Take care,

Debbie.............Missing Curtis

[darleneandhunter]

Today makes 9 months. I have been feeling achey and pretty crappy. I think I am coming down with something. my chest is very tight with phlegm, and when I cough it does nothing but hurt. Nothing comes out with it.

I sent my car to get new tires, and oil change and a tune up. I will be picking it up tomorrow afternoon, or Wed morning if I cant get a ride.

All the way there I was crying my eyes out, thinking of how Mark always took care of all these things for me. He knew who to call, he knew where to go, and most of the time, he took it there for it to get done. I bought a small cart on wheels for my laptop and printer today, and while I was putting it together, I ripped a nail, and I was completely annoyed at having to put it together all alone.

If there is a God, he and I are not on speaking terms these days. I am angry as hell at him. It makes no sense to me whatsoever that such a young man, 36 years old, dies of a heart attack and leaves his son behind to grow up without a father. I know if Mark had the choice, he would NEVER have hurt Hunter like that.

I am not sure what I feel when I see other couples together. Anger, jealousy, pain...they all seem to blurr together and have no clear defined lines from one emotion to the other. Sometimes I think the pain is so unbearable that it comes across as numbness, and I want to do ANYTHING to feel something. I have even considered stupid things like smashing my hand in a car door, in hopes of shifting the pain to something I can understand. I try to be normal, whatever that is, but I don't even know who I am, much less try to be normal.

I still feel like this new apartment is not my home. Next month makes a year I have been here, and 9 of those 12 months has been nothing but sheer agony. I want to pack up and leave. I want to be anywhere but here. I feel like giving everything away but our clothes and driving until I can't drive any more. But, I have Hunter. He needs some kind of stability.

I think in the first few weeks, my comfort foods were odd things from my childhood, not modern things like Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I went for shelled bean sandwiches(don't ask...lol), peas and pearl onions in cream sauce, and hood ice cream sandwiches. Even chicken noodle soup with saltines and margarine felt good, but only temporarily. I had to stop buying those comfort foods because I would do nothing but sit there and eat a whole box of ice cream sandwiches, only to want more. All the while, I was pumping myself full of insulin to counter act the sugar content in them. The other day, I caught myself trying to eat too many nestle crunch minis, something I would never have even bought in the first place, much less eat too many of them. I know I am wrecking myself, but I can't stop it. I do well most of the time, but sometimes I just have a melt down and go for broke.

Unfortunately, I think that this roller coaster ride has yet to end. I am now back at the point where I wish I could just sleep until it's over. Thinking of doing something stupid is far different than acting on it. If I thought for a second I would actually DO something stupid, I would surely go get some help. I am not too proud to know when to say when.

On the outside, no one knows what my mind is doing, and I would much rather keep it that way. If anyone peered inside, they might want to bounce my ass all the way to the local state hospital...lol. As long as my thoughts remain only thoughts, I think I can get through all of this. With Hunter, I don't think I have much of a choice...

Linda

Thank you. I have been creating jewelry for 25+ years. Sometimes, its all I have to keep me on the straight line these days. It took me months to start making things again, but once I did, it was like coming home to an old friend. If I thought I had even the slightest chance, I would cut off my left hand(yes, I am left handed)If I thought it would help me get Mark back. But, those kinds of fantasies are just that...fantasies. For now, I am going to shut off this computer, kiss my son goodnight, and try to get some rest.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- (((hugs))) 9 months is such a hard time. at least I really was having a hard time at that point..(who am I kidding though the whole damn thing is hard period!) be gentle with yourself! I'm sorry your place isn't feeling like a home. is there anything you can do to make it more "you"...even something little? baby steps..and I hope ypou are feeling better soon! btw have you ever heard of Louise Hay? (I love her books, and they have helped me alot through rough times, just thought I'd put the suggestion out there)

ok well that's it, I am definitly getting myself some Ben & Jerry's tomorrow..mmm.it's been awhile! My favorite is Karmel Sutra! I can literally eat a whole pint myself!lol.

[mishknit]

wow.....

so many posts since the last time i did! So much thought and wisdom and feeling...I really am glad for this bb.

darlene....my 9 months is saturday, the 21st. I know where you're at. I have to do 2 weddings that day too...talk about adding insult to injury! I'll get through it, just like you did, just like others did and will, because we have no choice. i am as grateful that i have my son as you are that you have yours....we have to be there for them, thank god, or who knows what we'd do. And, like you, i hate the numbness too....i think that's why i have been so consistently against taking any medication during this time. Am i depressed? hell yes! And i have a right to be....and, as much as i hate it, i want to feel it...it's my life and i need to feel it. i was ready to throw in the towel this week....but once i cleaned the closet..i don't know, i felt better. I think the closet represented all my firsts, and, like every other first for me, the anticipation has always been worse than the actual event.

Anyway....

bless us all as we make our way though this mess

Michele

[justamom]

Hi Girls, My 9 months was Sunday - I had to go to a Bronco game. I took one of Steve's best friends with me. It was really fun to see him but then yesterday I was so lonely. It's like even when I do something and it ends up being okay afterward it's such a let down it's almost not even worth doing it in the first place. I have been staying really busy thinking that will help and then I get a message from the state paatrol that the kid who hit us wants to meet me and I came completely apart at the seams. I don't wish him any ill will but I don't want to hang out with him either. He is 16 and has his whole life ahead of him and my life was completely rearranged at 35. Stevie wa only 35 too. Not a very long life - but he did alot of good stuff in a short amount of time and for that I am grateful. I don't know I just don't know. I have 52 billion things on my plate ansd I am not even hungry (HAHA). Somehow W'll get it done. I wish you all a good day. Darlene, I hope you are feeling better - stay on top of it if you let yourself get really sick it will make it all worse. Michelle - good luck with the weddings, I am sure that is hard but maybe rewarding as well - you get to be with people on their happiest day yet. I think I would like that. I am missing out on the ice crean thing - not my favorite. I eat Double stuff oreos with crunchy peanut butter on them and a big glass of milk. Take care girls, Lisa

[lindat]

Today is my nine months. I arrived near Tallahassee, FL yesterday and will be staying for a couple of days with Terry's best friend and his wife. We went out to dinner last night and most of the time we talked about T, and we laughed alot. His friend is still dealing with the loss also - they were very close. I thought it would be really hard to come here and I dreaded it - it has gone surprisingly well. The last time I was here was when my sister flew into Tallahassee 3 days after T died and his friend had picked her up at the airport for me. I drove over from MS and picked her up here at their house. While we were here, I was outside using my cell phone when a large egret landed on the porch railing a foot from me and just stood there staring. Quite unsettling. I backed away slowly and called to the others to come see. He stayed on the railing for more than 15 minutes and as my sis and I were leaving, he walked along the railing as if he were going to the car with us. I joked with T's friend that if he was still there at 8PM, he should put out a whiskey and diet coke. My sister and the friend were convinced it was Terry - I wasn't open to that then, but now I am not so sure. It has been a very long 9 months, and yet it seems like yesterday.

Darlene, I hope you are doing better today.....

[darleneandhunter]

I was finaly able to muster up the courage to open and read Mark's autopsy report. Renita was here, and while she was talking, something made me grab the envelope. I stared at it for a long time, and then just decided to go for it.

It said all the normal things that autopsy and toxicology reports say - height, weight at the time of death, skin and extremity condition, things like that.

It tralked about his Polycyctic kidney disease, his asthma, and his diabetes.

I find it fascinating when they weigh the brain and all the internal organs and describe their condition. You would think it would gross me out, but it didn't.

His blood sugar was over 500. He had vomit all over him. Apparently, Renita knew the EMT that had been the first one there, and he said that it was very typical of someone who has a massive coronary in their sleep to be jolted upwards and vomit. I guess it was all over the inside of the work van, too. She may have told me that from the beginning, but I was in shock the first few weeks and probably ignored it.

I am not sure what I was worried about. I probably just wasn't ready to read it in black and white. The toxicology report had nothing in it but the amount of dyphenhydramine in his blood. I thought it could have been an intentional overdose, with me being to blame, but it turns out that it was accidental. It said so right on the front page of the report. After reading all the information, it plainly shows that although he took more than the reccommended dosage, it was by no means enough for him to have killed himself. It was an unfortunate accident on his part that the benadryl aggravated his hidden heart condition and killed him. As was stated to me from the beginning, he probably would have died that night no matter where he was. In a way, I am glad it didn't happen at home, but sad at the same time because I never got to see him at any time until literally hours before the funeral. With what happened the night before, I probably would have gone through hell if he was here and died. As what happened with a friend of mine, his girlfriend committed suicide with a gun, and because he found her, he was grilled for 5 hours, being accused of killing her. I couldn't imagine having to go through all that after finding him dead on the couch or something. DSS would have been called, I would have been carted off to the police station, and I probably would have had a melt down right there. I can guarantee being accused of murder would have sent me over the edge.

Anyhoo, Another chapter in this emotionally bizzarre trip I have been on since Mark died has been closed. He didn't do it intentionally, and I can let go of any thoughts that I had anytthing to do with it. It doesn't change the fact that I am an emotional wreck, it just takes that little bit of pressure off me.

It's official, I have a very nasty chest cold. I have had a fever off and on, and even used a heating pad on my chest to help relieve some of the tightness. I have a show to do this weekend, and I still don't have the car back yet. I got one of my bead orders in today, and have been slowly picking at it so I can have some things ready for this weekend.

I'll give myself a day or two, and if I don't feel better, I will make a trip to the ER. I can't afford to come down with pneumonia. I have no one that can take care of Hunter if I have to be kept in the hospital for any reason.

Time for some advil and to my bed for a little rest. I am so glad Hunter is such a good boy. He will sit and play quietly for a little while, and he'll let me know when he's hungry. If I can get an hour's rest, I should be good to make him some dinner and make it through until it's bed time.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- I hope reading the reports will bring you some peace! I have never seen DH's autopsy report as when they were given to FIL they had all the post mortem pics enclosed as well =( I guess I just don't need to see it that badly. I have the police reports and saw the toxocology report. btw try garlic soup, hope you feel better soon!

lindat- what's an egret? I am glad you made it safe and sound. glas you are surrounded by loved ones..it helps. a little.

Lisa- ughh, that's a hard situation to be in (meeting the kid). IN a way I think it might bring you both a little closure. but I also can't imagine how either of you would feel. it's ok to not do it though if you aren't comfortable. you can always contact him if/when you are ready.

Michele- you have inspired me to start working on DH closet! I took a "before" pic today and will start tomorrow. I feel like it's time to do it..get it over with and all..I also can relate to the depression. I mean who wouldn't be depressed in our position. it's totally normal and unless you are having serious thoughts of suicide (not fleeting ones) then I wouldn't worry too much. I am mean as long as you are funcyional, right? I don't know....I know some people would disagree but I don't think medication is always the quick fix we think it might be..anyway I don't want to offend anyone taking medication either (we each have to do what we have to)

loosingedie- I hope you are still around and hanging in there.

wow I can't believe how many of you are at the 9month mark. I am thinking of you all and sending positive thoughts. we will get through this! (Thankfully we all have this safe place to come to!)

[lindat]

April, There is a photo of one here http://www.birderblog.com/bird/Graphics/Screensaver/Birds/Great-Egret-01.jpg

the one that landed by me was about 3 feet tall. I wasn't afraid of him, but I was startled that he would land so close and not be scared off when I moved. I could have easily touched him if I had put out my hand.

I will be driving back to MS tomorrow to visit my daughter and grandkids one more time before I head to Dallas and then San Diego. Linda

[missingcurtis]

Today is over, the wait is over and now maybe I can find some peace.

They moved Curtis here today................

A friend of mine from here came out and a friend of both of us came down. It was just us 3 and the minister. I really didn\'t have enough time to call all of my sisters since they only called me when they arrived at the cemetery.

But it worked out so well.

Aside from moving his resting place, we can now be together one day. It hurt all over again today and we all cried but I can only pray that I will continue to heal.

The minister read from the Bible and said a short prayer.

He was greatly loved and is greatly missed.

Debbie...............Missing Curtis

[aprilmoonflower]

Debbie- what a hard day for sure! I bet you are just glad it's over! You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to do it! so many people would have left him where he was (because it's easier than reopening the feelings,doubt,etc.) and regretted it. I know you will find peace having him nearby. take care of yourself (((hugs)))

Lindat- those are pretty!!! I thought for sure you were talking about a lizard though. so I had to ask! lol. have a safe trip!

[mishknit]

I seriously don't know how we stay sane, with all the stuff going on.

You know, April, when i first read you took a picture, i thought it was weird...but now i wish that I had...it was a really good idea, if only to show how much neater i can be then him!LOL!

And darlene..I'm glad you read the report, I can't imagine having worried about that for 9 months. I'm glad your mind is at rest.

and Lisa....omg! i don't even know what to say about that. the thing is..he's a teenager, and is probably insane with what happaned, and, in teen think, imagines that meeting with you and telling you he's sorry will fix it. And, whether you meet with him or not, it will take a couple of years, but then he's really gonna understand what he did, and that's going to really be awful for him. I know that whatever you do will be right, and when he really understands the importance of what happaned, he'll know what you did was right too.

I have to go help my son with some homework, but may be back again tonight...so much going on.

peace,

michele

[missinmyhubby]

OMG!!!!!!!!!! I JUST SPENT FOREVER WRITING A POST AND POOF, IT WAS GONE!!! I FORGOT TO COPY AND PASTE IT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Talk about eating my own words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((Hugs))) to everyone!

Night ladies...

Angel