I Miss Him So...

[darleneandhunter]

fortunately, I don't need a transplant!

I have several large kidney stones, and they are messing everything up!

I will need surgery, but at least its not a nightmare. Having the flu is putting it off, so it will be a while before I get scheduled and get my pre op testing, but I am so happy my kidneys have such a relatively minor reason for giving me too much trouble.

Normally, stones don't cause renal failure. They ARE causing the infections that I can't feel, which ends up progressing to the point of renal failure. The not feeling part is due to complications of diabetes. OMG! I am such a physical wreck! LOL!

Thanks for all the good thoughts everyone...I really appreciate them. I am no body's hero accept my son's. He's the reason I am still kickin, even with all this health crap.

Sorry, I thought you were on a PC. I hate when I make assumptions...lol. Just do the whole copy thing before hitting post. That way, if ya do get timed out, you will still have it to paste into a fresh post.

I sent the 'grief is' to a few friends. they loved it and are passing it on. I put it up in my fotki account in my journals. NOT my husbands fotki, mine...lol.

I am quite the mental idiot these days. Lack of rest and coughing jags are giving me such the headache. WHen I get out of this mess, I will be continuing my work on Mark's site. For now, I just have to ride all this out.

Lately I have been accused of doing things because of my grief. Not by everyone, but by a few people that I thought were my friends. Somehow, prior to Mark's death, I apparently never referred to him as my husband. I know that's not true, especially since many of my friends didn't know we WEREN'T legally married. I understand that I have been impatient. I understand that I have not minced words and have been a bit cruel at times. What i don't get is that these people think I should be FINE. I keep getting over and over again, well, its BEEN 9 months, you should be moving on by now........ WTF is wrong with these people? I even got mad at one "friend" who said it and told her point blank when your husband dies, let me know so I can be there at the 9 month mark and tell YOU you should be over it by now! I don't wish him dead, I really don't, but sometimes I think thats what it will take for these people to get it!

9 and 1/2 months since Mark died. No, there is no specific time limit on grief. One year is no different than 10 as far as I am concerned. The pain will still be there, but as I was told by a very smart woman, it changes. You will always feel the loss. People who have never felt the kind of loss we have all shared really have no clue. Unfortunately, we are all in this exclusive club. I don't wish this on anyone else, but the only way anyone will understand it is to join this club. There is something about losing a spouse that is so different than any other loss. I will NEVER say that losing a child, a parent, a granparent or a dear friend is any less painful, but it certainly is far different. Losing a spouse seems to be in a class all by itself. I know you all know exactly what I mean, but try explaining that to anyone else who hasn't been there is a PITA. There's always something missing in the explanation that I can't quite put my finger on. You know exactly what I am talkin about, ladies.......

[darleneandhunter]

oh, and in some cultures, women are committed to wear black and be in grieving for the rest of their lives.Old portuguese women are in grieving mode for life when a husband dies. Just thought I would tross that in.

[lauraa]

Darlene:

I am so glad to hear the your kidney situation is getting resolved. Thank god you don't have to have dialysis and can have the stones removed.

I get a kick out of your abbreviations....WTF! Mine is FIA! I agree with you with all that you say, we are in a inclusive club.....I stay away from the AH's who say stupid S! I would much rather be alone.....everyone has an opinion but how the hell would they know if they haven't experienced it for themselves....the only way would be if they joined our club! I wouldn't wish it on anyone.....I am glad you are figuring out your health stuff and your getting better.

[lauraa]

To Everyone,

This is not something that goes away at anytime, ever! It has been 2-1/2 years for me now which I cannot even believe I am saying....It is so difficult to get thru those first months with outout them and then that goes into the first year and then before you know it two years have passed. I still cry everyday and miss him so much. The stages we go thru is like a rollercoaster. We are different and I think it depends on so many factors as to how long and hard this is on us...we all have different situations and problems to handle. I have some issues that bind me emotionally so it keeps me from doing my grief work solely for the loss of my husband. I am fighting with alot of stuff.

Sylvia Brown said on Montel that when our husband were alive we were "kindred spirits" and when they "pass", they are our "soulmates". I do believe they are with us and watching over us. I have had so many signs that my husband is with me. A feather, a butterfly or two, a storm, his face in my window, a dream, the list goes on......my heart is totally broken and there is a huge void that I do not know how to fix truthfully.....I don't love life like I once did and don't trust very many people if the truth be known...so, I press on each and everyday to find something to help me move ahead...

[airymoon]

Laurra

You fix your broken pieces 5 minutes at a time. Soon the pain is not as noticable I think/hope. I just try to get through 5 minutes. Sometimes I can separate myself from the pain to get through a whole day but then I get whammied at the end of the day. I find it's better for me to go quitely somewhere and just breathe for a few minutes and then go back and face the next few minutes. If all that doesn't work, there's always duct tape and super glue!

Darleneandhunter

I am so sorry about your stones. I had two kidney stones a few years ago. OUCH!!! I had one removed and the other blasted. A word of caution, if they blast it you may not pass all the fragments. They didn't tell me this at the time and I still have a few fragments but they are not causing trouble-yet. I hope all goes well for you soon. I will be thinking of you.Try not to get too upset with your friends who are saying stupid things. They may be hurting because they see how you have changed (we all have) and they want you to be "back to your old self". The problem is that person doesn't exist anymore and they don't realize it.They also do not understand the way time passes for us now. The funeral seems a life time ago and so does my life with my husband and at the same time it feels like he should be coming home any second and the days have flown passed without me noticing. Can time speed by and drag on at the same time? I suppose it can if your stuck in this time warp rollercoasterof grief. Most of my friends have been pretty good. My mother inlaw did tell me that her life has changed now without her son, and she understands exactly how I feel because she lost her husband 3 years ago.1-he was 75 not 43 and they were married 52 years and had grandkids so it is not the same but similiar,we didn't even get to finish raising our kids.2-We only saw her at birthdays and holidays. She never just stopped by and we didn't go over very often because she always seemed to busy with others, so how has MY husbands death changed her life so much except for the rare times she would call or he would stop by her house? ok enough venting on that.

Rodless-

I know about those checks I still haven't closed our joint account. I just opened one in my name only,like a secret account. I just don't use the other one. The bills are not all in my name yet. I just can't do that yet. I also kept one of each of his pay stubs and one of each of the bills and anything that had both of our name on them. I didn't know what to do with the things he saved (and he saved a lot!) receipts and notes and e-mails from 6 years ago. He had christmas tags from each of our kids first christmas' that said "to Daddy from..", then had the first one they wrote "to Daddy from.." The team shirts from the kids little league teams he coached are in there. He also had little momentos that I didn't realize what they were but some my kids knew about. I knew if I got rid of the things I thought were unimportant I may be tossing out a memory for my kids. I also was in such a whirlwind that I wanted to take back a part of my life from this grief but I didn't want to throw his things away. Some of the clothes I kept and some things I gave to my kids and other family memebers. We made a big collage of pictures from when we were dating until a week befor he died. I also had my father make a fairly large chest like a hope chest and I put the things I wanted to keep in the box. We call it Daddy's Box. Anything and everything is in there and whenever we want to remember or feel like we want to be closer to him we go through his box. This way the things that bring pain aren't out for us to see if we can't handle it. It also gives me a place to put things when I come across them as I am cleaning a room or whatever.

I also got two tattoos after he died but I'll save that story for another post. It was a healing experience though. I always get on to just say a little something and end up writing a book. Can you see how much I would ramble in person?

night all,

Becky

[rodless]

Becky, I have a small chest of drawers where I keep everything I want to save of Rod's. I'm sure as time goes by I will gradually let go of some more things, but for now it's good. I still like looking through his billfold, at his watch etc.

This from a newspaper column I happened to see:

The essence of grief is the chill of readhing for something that's no longer there. You get your mind around it gradually. Your job is to let it happen by resisting all urges to interfere with the process - to deny your feelings or wallow in them; to hang on fruitlessly to old ways or to impose new ones too quickly; to treat it as anything other than a process that sets its own pace.

Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Mary Jo and Becky...

I'm going to use your idea about saving things in one place. I have them all over the place, and am constantly having my breathe taken away by a surprise encounter with something. Having one place to go sounds lovely.

Becky..I want to hear the tatoo story. I have been wanting one since tom died. It's been 9 months and i think i hoped the urge would go away ( i don't have any tatoosnow), but it hasn't. I just can't decide what to get, and, am afraid a bit too. As I get closer to the year mark, i thought that maybe that would be a good time to get one, if i still want to. I'm torn because tom did not like tatoos, but then, he's dead..this is my new life, and maybe it should have a tatoo in it?

Anyway..please post your story... and any good ideas for tatopos that you, or anyone has!

michele

[rodless]

I too want to hear the tatoo story. Don't think I'm gutsy enough and my mom would have a fit .... my kids would love it! I would do a pinecone if there is such a tatoo. We always picked them up wherever we were, have baskets of them sitting around the house. I put one from three different special places in his coffin. There are some pine trees at the cemetery so while I'm walking the dog, I stuff my pockets and then throw them on his grave. Kind of strange but meaningful to me. Have a good weekend. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

my kid would love it too...another reason why i hesitate! i keep telling him he can't have a tattoo until he's 18 and on his own....but then, i AM the mom, right? LOL

michele

pine cones sound nice....my husband's "symbol" was a rubber chicken....maybe that?

[missingcurtis]

Speaking of chests or places to keep our memories close to us, after I moved I needed to buy some new furniture.

I had sold many items from our home because I did not know what would fit. So when shopping the first thing I was looking for was some type of a small chest with doors or 3 drawer chest to store Curtis' memories.

I found a small 2-door chest that works perfectly. It has 2 shelves and I put all his pictures albums he had from growing up and in college and in the army in there. Then I added all the loose pictures I could find as I unpacked of the Army reunions he had attended. Then I took all the different types of awards he had had framed on his wall at work and our home and put them in an album.

He had also collected army hat pins and patches over the years. They are in there and I have added things of his that I want to keep handy.

I thought it would be good to put the flag they gave me at his funeral on top along with some pictures of him. If his family ever come to see me they will see that I have placed all his memories in a special place.

I started a new job this week and took a picture of him to put on my desk. I never had ever done that any place I had ever worked when married. But he always came to my place of business and met everyone. So in a way now he can be with me.

Hope everyone has a good week end. Don't forget to turn your clocks back on Saturday night. Sometimes we would just go to bed and turn them back on Sunday so we could spend an extra hour awake together!

Debbie.............Missing Curtis................

[aprilmoonflower]

funny about the everyone's chest ideas! I had planned on putting all DH stuff (except his instruments) into my hope chest for the kids someday. it seems like a good amount of stuff to keep and I hope to limit it to that other than household items. I would like to add scrapbooks as I gather our photos,etc. a memory quilt, journals of mine about their Dad,etc.

mary jo- you can get a tatoo of whatever you want! (well within reason) if you find a good artist! I have seen some that were from photographs (of a person's face) and it was soo neat! I have 2 tatoos and am done with all that though.lol.

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning......

I went out to the cemetery this morning and took some bird seed in a little bell shape and hung it out there. I hope the birds find it and come to visit him.

I am really having a hard time today. Why is it that some days I can just go along fine and then one day is so hard?

I was talking to a friend of his and we agreed that he left this earth way too soon. Of course I do believe that God has a purpose in this but today it really hurts.

I think I am having problems because when they moved Curtis they did not bring the plaque the VA had given him. Now I have to get up there to get it or have a friend go get it. If it is not one thing it is another. But I do not regret moving him. I love having him here.

Debbie..............Missing Curtis

[rodless]

Debbie, I also was at the cemetery this morning. Sat out there for awhile after walking the dog and read a book. I keep one a friend gave me called Quiet Times for Grieving (or something similar) in the car. I also like to watch the sky for jet trails because Rod always noticed them. It is very comforting for me to have that place to go, and I am constantly amazed at that because I would never have thought so. I think a greater power is at work in my life. I hope the rest of your day goes better. It is really hard somedays to deal with the fact they are gone. All we can do it acknowledge those times, get through them and hope that the next day will be a positive one. Thinking of you... Mary Jo

[susanbruce]

Debbie, You are a strong woman. You made a huge decision when you decided to move your Curtis closer to you. That takes courage. If you can't face up to moving the marker, ask a friend to do it for you or maybe the VA will do it for you. Curtis loves you for bringing him home to you.

Mary Jo, you asked how I was doing. It's nearly 7 months now. I just never in my life thought that I would be where I am at now. 2006 hasn't been the best of years for me. I just try to take things a day at a time. This has brought me much closer to God and made me realize that HE is in control. My family has been absolutely wonderful to me, which is a Gods send in itself. Then my 'other' family at work has been equally as good to me. I am a very lucky lady.

This site has been a lifesaver to me. I found it about 10 days after Bruce died. I come here every day, read the posts and sometimes add my own thoughts.

Our husbands are watching over us from Heaven and they are proud to be our husbands. One day we will all be reunited with them in Heaven. That's what I live for.

Susan

[grammy2]

Hi Susan: Forgive me for taking so long to reply to your question as to why my second year was worse. The only way to describe it is I came out of a fog and felt the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Tom was the love of my life. We met when I was 15 and he was 19. My mom had a fit because he was so much older than I was. We had 46 years together....we married when I was 19 so we were married 41 years. He died in my arms (after he said \"I love you\") on May 1, 2003 from a massive heart attack also. Today I am having a bad day and there is no rhyme nor reason for it except that I want to be with him. So, you see, the hurt never goes away but it is bearable (not so much today though). My son\'s wife gave birth to a girl eight months after Tom passed away and my son cried because his dad did not get to see her. I told him that dad saw her before anyone else did. Your grandaughter will bring you a lot of joy and sadness at the same time. Much more joy though. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your husband as I know the road you have to travel is a hard one. Keep posting on this site because so many of us have gone through or is going through the same emotions as you. They are the only ones that can truly understand our feelings.

Pat

[airymoon]

Hi all,

Here is my story. My husband got his first tattoo in 2002. I drew it for him and he had it put on his arm. It is an open heart with our kids name written around it. I wanted my name put in the heart but left that up to him. The tattoo artist told him it would be bad luck for our relationship if he put my name on the tattoo. He didn't and I was upset at first but then I just kept teasing him about not wanting to claim me. He bugged me for a year to get one but I was scared. Finally I gave in and he drew a sun and moon combined to represent us and we put in 4 little stars for our kids(we lost a baby in 99). I got it on the top of my foot. 4 days before he died he told me he had decided on his next tattoo but he wouldn't tell me what. After he died I asked my son if he knew what it was. He even knew where the picture was. He got it for me and asked if I could figure it out. It just looked like a lot of swirling lines in purple and yellow. My son showed me how it was drawn out and it was my name! Kurt was going to put it on his other arm for our anniversary. It turns out that it isn't bad luck if the name is disguised. I took the drawing in to the tattoo shop and had it put on my other foot exactly as it was drawn. He had already been in to set everything up with the artist before he died. After his death I found out he had a nickname at work. I knew the group he worked with called themselves the "weekend warriors" because they only worked weekend nights 12 hour shifts. I didn't know he was called "Night Hawk" until the company had a nighthawk fundraiser for our family. About a month after that I went back to the tattoo place and had them draw a hawk flying in front of a crescent moon. I wanted to represent him and his strength. I had a fairy drawn on the hawk and the fairy is carrying three rings. The hawk is my husband and his strength and he is carrying me through my life. Together we are carrying our three children. I had it put on my lower back because it is where his stomach was against me at night when we slept. I also knew it was going to be bigger than the other two. It ended up about a 9 x 6 inch tat.It goes across my whole lower back and is from my tailbone to about 3 inches below my bra. It's larger than i thought it would be and it took 3 1/2 hours to do. I sat without a break the whole time.I was sweating and shaking when it was done. There is a lot of detail in it. The artist said I did better than most men he tattoos. I didn't tell him I was able to do it because it was for my husband and a little physical pain was nothing campared to the other stuff. I think it is really beautiful and it gives me comfort to know it will be with me forever.

Mary Jo - You can get a tattoo of anything you want. If you can't draw it or you don't want someone else to draw it then find a picture of what you want and they can make a stencil.A pine cone sounds great. You could even put your husbands name in it. I visited the tattoo place 3 or 4 times before I got my first one. I wanted to look at the different pictures and make sure I knew what I wanted.You can also go online and do a search on tattoos to see the different ones. I really think a tattoo should mean something to you, represent something. They are permanent so make sure it is something you really want on your body. If you feel self-concious then put it somewhere not as noticable. My son also wants a tattoo. He can get one when he is 18(oh I guess that is now he just had a birthday). I took him with me for my name so he could see how it was done. If he still wants one he can have one.They do hurt but for me it was not excrutiating. How cool if you and your son get one together Michele. I don't know the age limit where you are but here it is 15 with the parents consent.Not sure about the rubber chicken though.But tattoos are a personal choice so if it makes you happy go for it.! I think your husband would be glad you were finding a way to heal. Tattoos are soo out of character for me that people are actually shocked to find out I have one. My husbands friend told me about one of his and told me "No offense but I don't think you could have handled one like mine. It's pretty big and took almost 3 hours!" The next time he came over I turned around and pulled up my shirt and showed him mine. All he said was "OK I was wrong." They can be alot of fun but they can easily become a habit. I keep coming up with new ideas and want to get them but I think I am done now too. If any of you do decide to get a tattoo tell the artist why you are getting one and what it means to you. They may have some ideas to make it even more meaningful and tribute tattoos are an honor to do so they take more of an interest in the job.

So that's the story nothing too terrible. I love the fact that I have the anniversary present my husband was going to give me even though he wasn't here to give it to me.

[mishknit]

Becky....

that is the greatest story..thanks for telling it! Your tatoos are so meaningful, and to have the special one your husband chose..amazing.

practicalities tho...on the top of the foot? wouldn't that hurt more because there's so little flesh there? I was thinking of on my back sort of below the shoulder blade so that if i had a tank on it ould be seen, but usually not seen. I actually like the foot idea, but would think it would hurt so bad1

And something you saiad about tyhe addictive nature of tatoos....I'm reading a book by john Irving...and it is about that exactly..well,more than that, but that is one aspect of it. It;s an interesting thought.

The rubber chicken...would be perfect, but, not really! it wouldn't be bad luck to put tom's name after he died would it? Because i'm thinking of incorporating his name into it.....

i still have to figure it all out, but thanks so much for your story...and I'm so sorry to hear you lost a baby, and surprised to hear you have an 18 year old son....I don't know whu. i just get pics of people in my had and then when they somwething that doesn't fit...well, i just change! LOL!!

anyway...

I'll let you know what and when i decide

take care,

michele

[mishknit]

I didn't do my usual spell and type check on that last post...

just so you all know..I never learned how to type, and so i'm a 2 finger person and make lots of mistakes. I usually reread and check tho.....

so i apologize to all before hand, because i'm bound to make mistakes, whether i check or not!

michele

[liteamorn]

I had to respond to the tattoo thread being discussed here.

My wife passed 3 weeks before mothers day. She loved hummingbirds. My 2 daughters went out on mothers day and had a hummingbird tattooed on their shoulders (when they stand next to each other they are both facing out). They also have a Claddaugh tattoo on their lower back (matching).

On fathers day my girls designed a tattoo for me that was a combination of the two tattoos. So now on my leg I have a tattoo of a hummingbird sipping out of a flower and the vine from the flower encircle a Claddaugh. When asked about the new tattoo I explain it " In honor of my daughters , and in memory of my wife"

[rodless]

What a day... I traded the car and van in on a small SUV which was trumatic enough. Then I got asked out for the first time. The guy's an old friend of my husband's and he just broke up with his live in girlfriend of 10 yrs. He used to come over and bend Rod's ear, now I'm his target. I dread seeing him at the door because I know it will shoot 2 hrs. or so just listening to his troubles. He did put a battery in the van for me when it died so I feel like I almost owe him but I turned him down (nicely - thank goodness I already had something scheduled.) I'm not even ready to think about dating and he would not be someone I would ever be interested in. Rod warned me before he died that it could happen as the guy doesn't like being alone without a woman. ICK!! Hope the rest of you had a better day. Mary Jo

[rodless]

I should add that I will tell the guy sometime that I am not interested in dating him. He came into my office and it wasn't the right place or time to have a "discussion" so took the easy way out. MJ

[mishknit]

c'mon mary jo..a lonely guy, old friend..what's not to like? I AM KIDDING! But it did make me laugh..first, that he'd think you were ready, and second..if you were ready..him? LOL! Probably what i have to look forward to....

it's been a weird day for me....I have candles lit, and they are very comforting..haven't done that in a while. i have been rearranging things and cleaning and straightening up things for a couple weeks now..of course it's a great way to isolate, but at least i'm accomplishing things..little by little.

There's a very big part of me that believes I've gone into isolation mode to shore up some strength for the upcoming holidays...halloween included. it is so hard for me to picture making it thru the next 3 months..and right after is january 21st, which will be 1 year. I hope I can handle it....every time i think of a tree or thanksgiving i fall apart. had to leave target and costco once each...now when i go i force myself to look at the christmas stuff..sort of aversion therapy, i guess.

My son is really acting up in school...not doing his work, or doing it and not turning it in....it just frustrates me so badly, and i don't need it on top of everything else, but he doesn't get it. And so i overreact and he gets mad and then we have to make up.....insane.

I also, i think, maybe realized why some people say the second year is harder. i think it's because, right now, we look at all the big firsts as :what we were doing last year with our husbands", and next year, it will be more, what are we doing to establish our new lives without our husbands? While this year hurts really bad, and is so sad...next year will be a reall clarification of the fact that he is GONE..and we must move ahead in order to live, and right now that seems impossible.

Anyway..like i said, a weird day..glad to be able to post here.

michele

[susanbruce]

I am very lonely tonight. I think the reality of living without him has begun. It's so quiet here at night - just me, the dog and the cat. I am just shy of my 49th birthday and a widow. That sucks. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be where I am today. On the way home from work today my mind was wandering (as it usually does) and I wondered if Bruce could have said anything to me before he died, what would he have said? Going to bed to think about that one. Susan

[justamom]

Hi Girls, I've had a weird day too. I met with the District Attorney who is prosecuting our case. It was just weird to see our names on all of his papers as "The Victims" Steve would have hated that label. His friend that was with us in the car was here today too and it was so good to see him but so strange for Steve not to be with him. He kissed me on the lips when he left and it was so weird It's been nine months since I have been kissed. It was just a friend thing but it was still on the lips. HUH?! Tomorrow I get to got to my first court appearance as the "grieving Widow". YIKES! I also got asked out to lunch this week. I am not sure what to do. I don't really have a reason not to go but I don't have any interest in the man either. I wonder if he is just trying to be nice. So strange that we are all having similar issues.

Michele, I feel the same way about the next 3 months. So overwhelming. I hope tomorow will be okay. Thursday is my youngest sons birthday - First one without his dad. I am going overborad and buying him an IPOD. Crazy I know but some kind of consolation prize. We can do this, I know we can, it just doesn't sound like any fun.

MaryJo - Let him down easy he is on the "rebound" after all. HAHA!

Susan - I hate being a widow. I hate the word. It sucks. I think Bruce would have told you how wonderful you are and how much he loves you and that he can't wait to see you again. Just a guess.

Have a good Halloween girls be safe and wish me luck in court. Talk to you all soon. Lisa

[airymoon]

michele- I don't think it's bad luck to have your husbands name on a tattoo (Living or not) I think the tatto artist is afraid people will get a name put on and then want it removed if it doesn't work out. A rubber chicken would always make you laugh and that is something rare for me now days. Yes it does hurt on the top of the foot but, I figured if I was going to do it I may as well get it where I can see it and I was not going to go through pain and not be able to see the tattoo myself.My son is 18 We started having kids early 3 years after we were married. We wanted to have them while we wereyoung so we would still be young enough to enjoy ourselves when they were grown. You know what they say about the best laid plans. Also both aof our parents were olderwhen they had us and weren't able to do a lot when we were kids and we didin't want that.(actually my mother was only 32 when she had me but she always thought she was old when I was a kid).

Speaking of being asked out, One of my husbands best friends asked me out two weeks after he died. I put him off for another two weeks and then decided to go to lunch with him so I could tell him he was nuts for trying to take advantage af the situation. Turns out he just wanted lunch with an old friend and to talk about the good times with my husband. Am I egotistical or what!LOL. He was hurting too and I never even gave it a thought that was the case. I think I was just on the defensive and every thing seemed so personal. Now he comes over every couple weeks and calls to talk. It's been a lot of fun and he's been great to talk to because he knew us for so long.

It has been a strange day for me too. The day was going almost good but seemed a little off. Then after class tonight for no reason at all I started crying on the drive home. I had to stop at my mom's house with the excuse to see if the kids had eaten or wanted pizza. My sister who had lost her husband 10 years ago looked at me and said "Are you feeling pouty today" I cna't believe she said that! after her husband died she didn't get out of bed for a month then found solace in drinking and partying.She of all people should know the way this grief thing works!Maybe it's just the holidays getting to us. Halloween is my favorite holiday and Thanksgiving was the one holiday that we didn't go to any one elses house. We had the whole day to ourselves. On friday we would get up at 6 and go Christmas shopping. This year the kids and I are running away I admit it I can't face that holiday without him. We are going to go to the Great Wolf lodge. It's an indoor water park. My friend says don't say running away say starting a new tradition, but we are running away and that is OK. I just really want him to come home. I thought I had this acceptance thing done but I find myself suddenly realizing he won't be home when I get there and he won't be bringing me lunch at work. It DOES suck and I hate the word widow also. I still feel married so I am married. I just really miss him.

Ok I've posted a long one again. I am going to start limiting how much I write....maybe lol.

Liteamorn- just a quick (I promise) note. I love your tattoo story.what a way to stay close to your daughters and your wife.

Becky

[rodless]

I read through the comments and thought how we could almost make a best seller out of all this - kinda like Danielle Steel. Anyway, I want to keep the guy as a friend but I am going to shut the dating bit off. Even if I were ready, he would not appeal. Nice guy but not my style.

Good luck, Lisa. Hang tough and let us know what's going on.

We dress up on Halloween where I work so I am wearing my pjs, slippers, a bunch of sponge rollers in my hair and face cream slathered on. Appropriate as my dog kept me up most of the night because the wind makes her nuts. I'm draggin' butt...made a big pot of coffee!

Happy Halloween!! Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Mary jo..

if your "friend" caame in today instaed of yesterday..we probably wouldn't be having this discussion at alll! LOL!

My son went to school in his dad's tshirt that read "this is my costume" (tom always hated dressing up!), and a paper bag with holes cut out for eyes. His costume is entitled "the boy who forgot it was halloween until 5 minutes ago!". Pretty funny!

hope you all have a good day

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi ladies! Things have been going ok here. My MIL came to visit from out of state over the weekend. she has come every month for the last several months. We planted over 17 oleanders in my yard among other things! Otherwise we stopped at the Sheriff's office to see if she could get copies of the autopsy and crime scene reports,etc. I really have no interest in seeing them. I really think I accepted DH being gone the very first day/week. It was almost surreal as I had known since I met him he would leave too soon. some weird intuition. we had even talked about it many many times. a month before he died he asked me if I would remarry if he died..weird,huh?

I have no interest in dating or having another relationship at this point! couldn't even imagine putting energy into it!

it's been 14 months for me. I must say I am doing better than worse for the time being. you know how that goes though!

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

I am glad Halloween is over with....my kids love it and I go with the flow but they all went their ways and I was left giving out the candy which gave me time to feel the pain of not having my husband with me....He loved Halloween and always made a point to be home to take the kids out and be with them....I was just so sad. Always put a front on, though! I am sad because I just feel so alone and no-one seems to even care or notice....this is a journey I would not wish on anyone......How do we keep our immune systems up when we fight on a daily basis to get along with all this pain?

Have any of you noticed how our "friends" treat us? Like not calling at all or calling while on the cell phone approx. 5 minutes before they meet their destination or when they do call they act like I haven't been thru anything.....What do they all think? Don't they know by not asking or talking about it just makes us feel that much lonely. I am so tired of all this emotion....I am so tired of worrying and not sleeping at night. I worry so much about my kids making it as I know they are masking alot of how they are feeling...It is still to painful for them to talk about or even let themselves feel. Did any of you notice that everyone was there when your husbands "passed" and helped get thru that week but after that....all the excuses came, like.....I haven't called because I know how busy your are, etc....or, like my "best friend" said, I want to talk to you and I have been praying on it and when we got together she said, I haven't been there for her the last 5 years with all she had gone thru, ie, adoption, divorce, buiding a house......my husband was ill and we were fighting for his life....these were all her choices and I was there for her as much as I could be....this gives new meaning to...we really don't know who are real friends are until we go thru something like this.....now I know!

I hope all of you have a really nice day if only for a moment! Sometimes, that is all we get while going thru this grief....it takes time and we need to be gentle with ourselves.....Your all in my heart daily.

[justamom]

Good Morning grils, I too am glad that Halloween is over with. I took the boys to a friends last night for trick or treating and they had a great time. Not so much for me. All of the dads took the kids out except for me and my sister who went with me. It was just kind of rough. it was very obvious to me that Steve was missing. There was a point in the evening when all of the dads got back and they were all kising their wives too. I feel so rotten for being jealous of them all. These are my friends. I had to just get my boys and get out of there, I got them into bed and then just bawled like a big ol baby. I am still in tears off and on this morning. Tomorrow is my youngests 7th birthday and I am really pissed that his dad is not here helping me get ready. I have 9 7 year olds sleeping over on Friday night. I have a ton of stuff to do and I am tired. (and apparently whiny!)Also, The D.A. told me that the guy who let the kids have the party at his house was going to plead guilty yesterday to "contributing to the delinquency of minors" which he didn't he asked for a continuance. Which also pisses me off. I just want all of this to be over and done with and I feel like I take one step forward and 3 back again. Sorry girls, I am not in a very good mood and I guess I needed to vent. I need to go shower and get my day started so I can get some of this "stuff" off of my plate. I hope you all are having a better day. Talk soon, Lisa

[justamom]

I should have spell checked, I meant girls not grils. Also April, I wanted to mention that I too knew that I would lose Steve early. I had known since we started dating that his life would be short and I got more and more of the picture as time went on. I knew that it would be a car crash and that it would be at the hand of teenagers. I never knew that I was in the car though. and I still want to know what good is intuition if you can't do anything about it? I would really rather not know.I have always kind of known things - It really used to freak my parents out when I was a kid. Do you have other things that you know? Does it scare you now? It does me, up until the accident I kept telling myself that I was being stupid that it was nothing and then it happened. Now everytime I have a fear I wonder if it is irrational or if it is really going to happen. I spend alot of time with my therapist these days so that I don't let my brain get a way with me. I was just curious as to your experience if it is too personnal I totally understand. Lisa

[mishknit]

I agree..glad halloween is over. Another first down, and I'm glad. my son and I went to the same place we've gone for years...tom used to stay back with the guys and the women took the kids out in the cold. last night the kids went by themselves..we had a nice dinner, and i kept thinking that tom would have really enjoyed it...and i would have enjoyed it with tom. oh well.

nothing freak me out more than the next couple of months...i am isolatinga lot and cleaning like a maniac, rearranging things in the house, getting rid of things. i'm quite sure it's a defensive measure...sort of "storing up my nuts for the winter" I'm trying to have enough reserve of strength to get thru the holidays....i don't know if it's possible.

i am in a sucky mood today, and have made a plan to meet s friend in a little bit...so don;'t want to go.

I find that i force myself to go out...anyone else? I'm just tired and don't know what to say when people ask how I am. I am terrible, and i tell them, but i know they don't get it, and it doesn't seem to help me to be honest. As soon as i get to where I'm going i want to leave.

I am really just so tired of all of this.

michele

[lindat]

Michele, Thanks for your post. I thought it was me, because I am going through the same thing. I get excited about going to the next place, but then when I get where I am going, I am anxious to move on. I am learning not to make promises of seeing people at each location, because once I get there I don't want to see them. Sometimes it is just too hard to put on a happy face. I am in Dallas now and for the first time I didn't commit, so most of my friends don't even know I am here. I am already ready to hit the road, but since they aren't expecting me in San Diego for 10 more days, I have to stay. Mentally, I know it is the best place for me to be right now, but I still want to run. I have been on the road long enough to know that what I am running from is inside of me, but that doesn't help.

Linda

[starchild]

Good Afternoon Ladies: I haven't been here in a while, but I still read the postings. I've been trying to will myself out of this self imposed emotional exile and get back to the land of the living. Where like it or not is where I reside. I wish I could say that it's getting easier to move on without my husband, but it's not. It's just a necessary evil. Halloween kicked off the beginning of the holiday season and it's my first one alone in a long time. Each occasion is destined to bring a new heartache and the fact that Stanley passed right after the new year doesn't make this fair at all. Just when I thought I was making some progress......I'm right back where I started.

Lisa< thanks for sharing about you sixth sense. I go through the same thing. There have been so many instances where I saw or knew things that I started keeping it to myself, not wanting to be labled crazy or different. I also abused substances for a while trying to block out the gift/curse. I always knew that Stanley would'nt be with me long. I used to tell him that and I didn't understand why he chose me? He could have had anyone. He told me that he knew that somewhere there was a love just for him and he prayed for it. Then he met me. I have abandonment issues as it is, so it was hard to trust him. But I did trust our love. He used to tell me all the time that he would never let me fall. I guess that's why since he died, I haven't lost my mind. He's still holding me up. I miss him so much.....

Dee

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa-well I am not so sure I have a 6th sense but I am very intuitive and do know at times that something will happen. I usually get this overwhelming bad feeling about stuff. it does kind of freak me out. especially since DH did die! i have had other life altering experiences that I knew were going to happen. I have ignored my intuition time and time again so I feellike I am really trying to listen to & trust myself these days!

michele- oh boy do I know all about being tired of being tired of it all! ackk. I don't know why but that time leading up to the one year mark seems stressful and very anxiety filled. it was for me at least. it was a releif to get past it! and it WAS sad and worse in some ways but also not so bad in others. I totally have to force myself to do things at times. I would rather just be left alone most of the time. my healing has been best with my kids alone. it's hard for others to understand that or not take offense though.

Dee- I am an atheist but I do feel in some way protected by my DH energy. he no longer exists, yet he does live on in our hearts and with each breath I take I know his love will sustain me.

[messenger]

MISHKNIT,,,,,,,,,,,HELLO,,,,,,,,,,SOUNDS LIKE MANY ARE GLAD ONE HOLIDAY IS OVER.......WE ALL GOT THRU IT AND WE WILL WITH THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS TOO......I AM THINKING ABOUT LEAVING ONE CHAIR EMPTY AND KEEPING IT FOR OUR SON TO SIT IN.....HOW HE LOVED THE HOLIDAYS AND WOULD LOVE TO BE HERE IN PERSON BUT IN SPIRIT HE WILL BE HERE INSTEAD??? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE IDEA OF AN EMPTY CHAIR FOR OUR LOVED ONES DURING THE HOLIDAYS

YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME..MY HUSBAND SAYS I NEVER SIT..CONSTANTLY DOING SOMETHING EVEN WHEN I AM TO KEEP OFF FEET..JUST SO MUCH TO DO AND SO LITTLE TIME....THE KEEPING BUSY IS OUR WAY OF DEALING WITH GRIEF...WE ALL ARE DIFFERENT........

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH US..SO MANY GIFTED PEOPLE ON HERE.I AM NOT GOOD AT SAYING MY PEACE BUT I TRY..WRITE ANYTIME AT LOVEISANGLS7$@SBCGLOBAL.NET MESSENGER

[mishknit]

the holidays are going to suck...what else is there to say? messenger, I'm not sure about the empty chair idea...it sounds good in principle, but in reality, i wonder how sad would that be? I mean..he's gone, why add extra attention to it? but, whatever works is my main motto...however we get thru all this junk is good.

Linda.....you are physicley on the move, i am just mentally and emotionally on the move.

I live in Los Angeles...I wish i had a guest room, because, i swear, i would invite you to visit here a minute..get some restlessness out. Then you could drive another 2 hours to Sand Diego (one of my fave places, btw..it's great there). I'd invite everyone on this bb....i have taken so much from all of your posts, and wish I could give back more.

I've had a rough evening. my son...he's in so much pain.and the way he talks sometimes scares me. he has an appt. with a therapist monday, if she can change people around, a week from monday for sure. keep us in your thoughts...he is in the same place i am...finally coming out of the fog of denial into the reality, and the holidays. But he is a child..well, 14...a child, and cannot fathom a life without the father he so loved and who so loved him. Double whammy for us....we are an adoptive family, so, dad died, and first family gave him up....definitly needs therapy! he doesn't talk about the adoption issue much..it's open and he could contact his bparents at any point, but he is greiving the loss of his dad....

i wish this nightmare would just end!

michele

[mishknit]

the holidays are going to suck...what else is there to say? messenger, I'm not sure about the empty chair idea...it sounds good in principle, but in reality, i wonder how sad would that be? I mean..he's gone, why add extra attention to it? but, whatever works is my main motto...however we get thru all this junk is good.

Linda.....you are physicley on the move, i am just mentally and emotionally on the move.

I live in Los Angeles...I wish i had a guest room, because, i swear, i would invite you to visit here a minute..get some restlessness out. Then you could drive another 2 hours to Sand Diego (one of my fave places, btw..it's great there). I'd invite everyone on this bb....i have taken so much from all of your posts, and wish I could give back more.

I've had a rough evening. my son...he's in so much pain.and the way he talks sometimes scares me. he has an appt. with a therapist monday, if she can change people around, a week from monday for sure. keep us in your thoughts...he is in the same place i am...finally coming out of the fog of denial into the reality, and the holidays. But he is a child..well, 14...a child, and cannot fathom a life without the father he so loved and who so loved him. Double whammy for us....we are an adoptive family, so, dad died, and first family gave him up....definitly needs therapy! he doesn't talk about the adoption issue much..it's open and he could contact his bparents at any point, but he is greiving the loss of his dad....

i wish this nightmare would just end!

michele

[lindat]

Michele, I am very grateful for your thoughtfulness. One of the reasons I am going to San Diego early for the holidays is to pet-sit for friends in Fallbrook. They have a lovely home with 3 awesome dogs and I will have it to myself for more than a week. I am looking forward to peace and quiet and a place to call my own if only for a short time. My daughter lives in LA and I will probably be up there occasionally, perhaps we could do lunch one day. I may be physically on the move, but I am stuck and not sure how to move on.

[airymoon]

Messenger,

I like the idea of an empty chair at the table. Yes he is gone and I think it would be a great way to include him in the holiday. Why try to put up a front and push it away.The feelings will stil be there and it will be better to acknowledge them. I had an empty chair at my husbands funeral. Some people thought I was nuts but it was very comforting to me and my kids. It also made us laugh when people looked at us like we were insane. My husband always said he would want to be at his own funeral to see who would show up. I think he would have been surprised to know that there were over 600 people at the viewing alone. I'm not sure how many were at the funeral. The holidays will be rough but I hope we will feel a small sense of closure when they are done.

becky

[mishknit]

Becky....

oh, how i wish i had thought of that at tom's memorial service...how funny is that1 And I'm sure it gave you all a little comfort and a laugh. Tom's service was amazingly funny..but that would have been really great!

I'm still not sure about the empty chair at the holidays...i think it's because he is going to be so missed, and that will be so obvious, that it might be overkill. But, of course, that's just my opinion. Frankly..I'm not even sure i'm gonna do anything for the holidays...invited to our usual thanksgiving feast..but it won't be usual...can i stand it? can i decorate a tree? can i do anything this year? Do i even care?

I just want to curl up into a ball a come out after january 21st......past the whole year. And then i want to go back into my ball.....

feeling very low tonite

michele

[airymoon]

Michele,

I know what you mean about the holidays. Thanksgiving was the holiday that was ours. No in-laws just the 5 of us all to ourselves. This year we are going to go out of town. I can't face cooking without him checking to make sure everything tastes right. I also would like to skip the holidays but I am trying to keep everything as normal as possible for the kids. I think it would be a double whammy for them to not be able to have the holidays even though it will be hard for them. I also think that if my husband can see us he would be very upset to know that we gave up the holidays because of him. He loved everything about the holidays, so even though it will be hard I think I might also get some comfort from knowing I didn't give up something he cared about. That's what I think but I don't know how I'll feel when it comes right down to it. I guess I don't want to look back a year from now and think I wish I would have..........The future is going to be hard enough without extra regrets. So I just keep pushing through and trying not to make it harder on the kids than it already is. The empty chair at his funeral was a serious tribute to him but as with most things with him it turned into a personal joke. I like to think he was in the chair laughing at the looks on peoples faces when we would say "Don't sit on kurt" there were only a few that would laugh, some actually jumped up fast and we would try so hard not to laugh. We really did feel his presence though. At one point my daughter left my lap and curled up in the chair just like she would do if she were on his lap. It was great. I think we will all do what we need to do to get through the next few months. Sometimes I envy people who are grieving and don't have kids at home to worry about. Even though my kids are keeping me as close to sane as I can be and they are my life line, there are days I just want to stay in bed and not come out for days. Or I want to just get in my car and drive until I have to stop and then come home a few days later. Or get so drunk I don't feel anything for days at a time and yell and break things. I can't do any of that with the kids because it would just scare them too much. I'm tired of being the responsible adult but if i'm not then my kids think they have to be and they are just kids. They've already had to grow up faster than they needed too. I guess we all did and that really sucks because I wasn't ready to grow up and I feel like I grew old over night. I really miss my husband's sense of humor and his laugh. He always made me feel like a silly kid, but in a good way.

Some of you ladies have kids who are in counseling and I think my son will need to talk to someone. I haven't been able to get him to go yet but the other night after a heated "discussion" He said he would at least go to family counseling. My question is, how did you find a counselor? I have resources @ my work but I'm not getting actual answers when I ask for the resources. The policy is to give the general info and let the people go on their own to get their help. I'm too beat up to do alot of researching I just want to know how to find a good counselor who is not going to prescribe drugs as a first step. I thought about asking our family doctor but am iffy on that since they just sent my husband a notice that it's time for his physical to rule out any serious problems in his health. Monday I'm going to go tell them they are 4 1/2 months too late. I mean don't they have his death on his records? They had to sign his death cert and I had to fax them a copy of it. Just feeling a little bitchy and looking for someone to blame I guess. Tomorrow will be better I hope.

becky

[mishknit]

becky...

i asked at the grief group we go to for therapists, asked friends, asked my therapist. And then looked to see if anyone was on my networks list....one so far..i talked with her, she seems nice..we'll go, and if he likes her that's who he'll see. it's all a crapshoot anyway.....hopefully i won't have to look farther, but if i do, i do. he needs help, bottom line. I need the help that she can give him that will hopefully translate to our relationship.

I hear you on the kid thing..he has kept me alive, yet, sometimes....if i could just go away for awhile, not have any responsibilities...just drive........sigh.

meanwhile....i'm sure we'll do something for the holidays...probably most of what we usually do, it is just not the same, and i can't stand the idea of pretending it is.

gotta go to bed..i am exhausted and sad and it's not beenm a good day.

goodnight,

michele

[airymoon]

michele

thanks for the info. Life isn't the same anymore not just the holidays. Don't pretend they are just TRY to accept that they will be different. It is ok to hate that fact. I'll keeep looking for a therapist. My son is so stubborn I need to find someone wiht a lot of patience. Get some sleep and maybe things will be different tomorrow. Good night.

becky

[missingcurtis]

I have no idea if it is ok to post a poem that is online or not but I am going to.

After reading this poem I always pick up Pennies!

Pennies From Heaven

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground

But it’s not just a penny

This little coin I’ve found

Found pennies come from heaven

That’s what my Grandpa told me

He said angels toss them down

Oh, how I loved that story

He said when an angel misses you

They toss a penny down

Sometimes just to cheer you up

Make a smile out of your frown

So don’t pass by that penny

When you’re feeling blue

It may be a penny from heaven

That an angel’s tossed to you

Copyright © 1998 C. Mashburn

[missinmyhubby]

I have not been on for a few days, but have been reading all the posts. I guess the holidays coming is bringing us all down, even more than usual. I am trying to keep my chin up, as I have a new husband to go through the holidays with. He is not that fond of them though, which may be making it harder on me, since the holidays were always a favorite in the past. I too, will miss the cooking (as you all know Mark did the lion share, nummmmmmies), along with all the pastime hoopla we enjoyed. The last three years I have gone to my mothers, for lack of knowing how to go at it alone.

Today was a bad day, and the last week I have been in my "missing him terribly mood!" This morning my husband asked what I was thinking as we were lying in bed getting ready to get up for the day. When I told him nothing, he said he was listening. I try hard not to bring up Mark too much because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. However, he has always been patient and listened when I have needed to talk or just be held. He doesn't say a word when I put on "the songs". And, he never turns away when the kids talk of him. When my youngest goes through her moods where she is vocal about missing her daddy, he holds her and doesn't say a word, but just strokes her hair instead. He truly is an awesome man! He knew something was up and was a little relentless. I had been lying there thinking about Mark and some past events. I started to tell him what I was thinking and next thing I know I was in tears. I knew I had been feeling blue, but I was not expecting the tears at the moment, or the amount that came out. I think a lot of it has to do with needing to finally talk about it. Coming on here has helped me tremendously so far, and I want to say thank you to each and every one of you!!! For listening, commenting and sharing. I love Mark and always will, but sometimes, I want to move on because I get tired after three plus years of the sadness. He will never come back and nothing I can do will change that. So, I want to find happiness ALL the time again. BUT, I NEVER WANT TO FORGET HIM, EVER!!!

Becky and Michele - I can relate to almost everyone of the posts on here, and it makes me sad that everyone has to go through this. It's so unfair! I no longer want to go on drives that will take me far away, as I have a new husband whom I love very much. But, I remember the days when I did. I wanted to drive until I ran out of gas and just stop in some motel and get away from it all. But, I have kids as well and never could. I wanted to get drunk to oblivion, but who would care for the kids, and did I really want them to see me like that? I just wanted to escape, but never could. Forever the responsible mom....EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE BEING.

Darlene - here are the songs hun I promised. Sorry it took so long! I have been trying to go at this slowly and in bits. I have a lot pent up inside and think if I go at this too fast, I may backslide to a place I don't want to go.

Alan Jackson - Monday Morning Church

Austin Roberts - Rocky

Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton - When I Get Where I'm Going

Clint Black - If Tomorrow Never Comes

Collin Raye - I Can Still Feel You

Collin Raye - If You Get There Before I Do

Diamond Rio - I Believe

Diamond Rio - One More Day With You

Gary Allen - Life Ain't Always Beautiful

George Strait - Desperately

Kitty Wells - How Far Is Heaven (This song is for our baby girl…another story behind this one!)

Lonestar - Not A Day Goes By

Lorie Morgan - A Picture of Me (without you)

Lorie Morgan & Keith Whitley - If You Came Back From Heaven

Ronnie Milsap - I wouldn’t have missed it for the world

Terri Clark - A Hole Where I Use to Have a Heart

Tim McGraw - Please Remember Me

Vince Gill - I Never Knew Lonely Until You

Vince Gill - Go Rest High On The Mountain

Vince Gill - When I Call Your Name

Well, I better get to bed...gotta fly in the morning and have court in the afternoon...another LONNNNNNGGGGG story.

God Bless each and everyone of you!

Angel

[missingcurtis]

I woke up this morning thinking about sending out Christmas cards and thinking I need to get started on them early. Do you send out letters in your Christmas cards?

I thought it might be good to send cards to everyone one who sent cards and flowers to the funeral last December and let them know I have moved and how I am doing.

Of course some people already know but I was really thinking of his Army buddies that might want an update.

Would that be too strange to hear from a widow after a year? Curtis thought so much of the guys who he attended the army reunions with and I just wanted to send then all a short note after a year.

Does this sound like a normal person? But then what is normal?

Debbie...........Missing Curtis

[lauraa]

Missingcurtis....That isn't weird at all...I sent thank you's out alittle over 2 years after my husband passed. It took me a year to write the letter and a year before I actually mailed them. It was an energy thing for me and then the cost was alot as it was over 600 letters. I think if it is in your heart to do so then that is the right thing to do. Good luck. I also think it is a part of our healing. Blessing.

[lauraa]

Angel....thank you so much for all those songs you posted. Last year I put together a CD of all the songs that were meaningful to me and helped me get thru the rough moments. When I get time I will try and post the ones I have...Thanks!

Missingcurtis....I find pennies all the time and always pick them up. I would find them when my hubbie was sick and always took it as of sign for his healing but that didn't prove to be true...so, now maybe it is him/angels sending messages my way????? Thanks.

To everyone....this is a rough time for me, too......maybe it is the start of the holiday season, change of season, kids going thru all their rough stuff, menopause, anniversaries, etc..........no-wonder we cry....I have wondered for some time now where all the tears come from and I am amazed at how much there is.....my dad's birthday is tomorrow and he passed away on my husbands birthday which is Dec. 7th....so there are anniversaries that just creep up on us. I thinnk even if we are consciously thinking of these dates they are always in our subconsious and when we have our "meltdowns" is when we realize the dates...then all the feelings and emotions come flooding in. I lost my mom, dad and husband all within 6 months. There is only so much we can take at once as it all starts creeping in. I cry everyday still.....your all in my prayers and my heart as I know your pain.

[darleneandhunter]

I have been so busy these days!

I know it sounds like a blessing, but it really isn't. Mark would always be there for when I did my shows so Hunter wouldn't be stuck at them with me all day. During this time, he and Hunter would have Daddy Day. They stayed home and played together, watched TV together, and sometimes went out together if there was a vehicle available. Sometimes he would take Hunter to breakfast, then meet us at the shows. Now it's just us, and he has to go with me, there's no choice.

When I am getting ready for these things, I do as I normally do, but when I get up in the morning to leave, I often ask myself, what's the point? Sometimes I just want to crawl back under the covers and say forget it all, but I know I can't.

Lately, I feel like everything is getting harder rather than easier. Maybe it's the depression, maybe it's just this point in time. I want to spend my time sleeping rather than going places. I get Hunter off to the school bus and run right back to bed and sleep until just before he gets home. Last night, we went to bed at 7pm. 7! That's not me. I woke up around midnight, got something to eat, and just went back to bed. I was tempted to go back to bed this morning, but I have too many things like laundry to do, so I can't. With doing the craft show, I was left with no time to get clothes done this weekend. I am reluctantly staying up, just to get it done. I didn't even turn the computer on for 4 days. The only reason I turned it on today was because I have pics to play with. Other than that, I'd have probably shut it off after checking my email.

I got through Halloween. I cried half way through taking Hunter out, but not so that he saw it or anything. I know that Mark LOVED taking him out trick or treating, and the booty that came from this area was great, he would have loved it.

I am not even getting a Thanksgiving dinner. I am sure someone is going to invite us to their house, and even if they don't, it's just me and Hunter, whats the point in cooking this huge spread for two people? I might just get a little jenni-o turkey roast or something, but I am NOT doing a big dinner.

Hunter wants us to celebrate Mark's birthday, with a small cake and all, even though he isn't here. How can i tell him no? It's only 2 days before christmas. I still have all the things I gave him for his birthday last year accept the cell phone. Someone had the NERVE to steal his work bag right out of the van, AFTER he died! They found the van slider partially open! It made me rather upset considering it was the ONLY thing I had left that would have had his voice. The phone was last used on Jan. 17th, the day AFTER he died, and we never found the phone. I called the phone every single day, just to hear his voice, until it was deactivated by the company. All I can say is, SHAME ON THEM.

I guess I am just tired. Tired of being depressed, tired of being alone, and definately tired of Mark being dead. Unfortunately, I can't make him NOT be dead.

If I had that power.......

But, if any of us had that power, would it be fair?

On to the subject of friends.

I had a friend call me the other day. She is a recent friend. Recent as in the last 3 years or so. She is also apparently one GOOD friend. She asked me how I felt about talking about Mark, if it was too upsetting and such. I was actually GLAD she asked this question. She is comparitively young next to me, only 21. I was finally able to tell someone how *I* felt.

I told her that no matter what, I am always gonig to be affected by all of this. No amount of avoiding the subject is going to make me any less upset, and talking about him will also not affect that. Yes, I am going to cry. In fact, I told her, I still cry every single day. I cannot pretend he didn't exist, he was in my life for 13 years, so NOT talking about him is pointless. I can't pretend that he didn't exist, and neither should anyone else. She was like, I am glad, because I wasn't sure if you could handle talking about him or not. I think more than anything, this is the one thing I appreciate more from my friends. Ask, and I will answer. NONE of my other friends, even those I have known for years, was up front enough to ask me that.

The music list is great! I have nearly all of those songs already!