I Miss Him So...

[mishknit]

darlene..

i'm in too, just let me know when you're ready and able to do it.

I hope you all are having a the best thanksgivng possible. I woke up, rolled over, and felt I had nothing to be thankful for....so i took out my journal and started writing a gratitude list. i stopped after quite a few thigs on my list. then i watched part of the parade, a tradition here, and felt sad, but not hopeless...things are different, and yet life marches ahead. my son and i will be with good friends today, and if we;re sad it will be ok, and if we have a good time, well, that will be ok too. Life, and death, are what they are...we just keep moving ahead.

I'm thankful for all of you.

michele

[susanbruce]

Shakira, you will never adjust, you adapt. We have no other choice.

[starchild]

Good Morning Ladies: Haven't been here in a minute or two but still getting through this thing one day at a time. Yesterday was the beginning of an emotional storm for me. Next is Stanley's birthday, then my birthday, Christmas, New Years and then the first anniversary of his death. I'm trying so hard to stay in a frame of mind that the pain is natural and doing what I have to do for me to keep the suffering to a minumum. And you know I was doing alright(I thought)until I started hearing from his family and friends. To hear the love for him in everyone I talked to reopened all the wounds. It was such a bittersweet day. This is going to be the LONGEST six weeks, cause I'm going to have to do this again and again and again. I'm glad our love and my recovery network was built was on a solid foundation. That's where I'll draw my strength from to get through. I am a survivor. Hope that everyone had a safe holiday and that you ladies did something positive for yourselves. This journey is hard enough as it as. Take care and have a blessed day.

[bsnurse76]

Today has been a difficult day. I just want answers to why any of this happen. I feel like I need some closure to what was happening before Darren died. I need to know there was nothing else I could of done. I have sat on my computer looking at things about sudden cardiac arrest and massive heart attacks. Darren started to have symptoms less that 45 minutes prior to cardiac arrest. I wish I would of just took him to the hospital. He worked in cardiology for 26 years, and I have been a registered nurse for 7 years. Maybe that is why this is so hard. When we were in the car driving back to the hotel after he started to get nauseated and got sick, he briefly mentioned I think it is something I ate unless it is my heart. I asked him if he was having chest pain, he told me no. I asked him if we needed to go to the hospital, he told me he thought it would pass. I wish I would of just went to the hospital. He continued to feel sick to his stomach back at the hotel. I continued to ask him to tell me what he was feeling, he kept saying it is just my stomach. I know he was having some neck and shoulder pain because he had me rub his shoulder. He had me take his pulse which he wouldn't tell me why. They are doing an autopsy but the results are not back yet. I hope it gives me some closure. I told the ER doctor, I wish I would of brought him to the ER when he started feeling bad. The ER doctor told me it may of not changed the outcome. I try to believe that, but it is hard when I know his best chance was at the hospital. I did CPR until the ambulance got there. I did everything I could, but I still wonder what if. To my knowledge, he did not have any other symptoms leading up to the episode. Although he may of and not told anyone. He tended to keep things to himself. I just miss him so much.

[catwoman32]

I can totally understand where most of you are coming from. On November 9, 2006, my husband was killed due to homicide. He was helping a long time friend out with putting in a new fence line. He had only been there about 30 minutes. His friend's neighbor had been arguing about his property line for quite sometime. My husband's friend decided it was best to do a survey of the property lines. Turns out that the old fence line was 7 feet in the neighbor's direction and should have been in the friend's. The neighbor still did not agree with the survey results even though they had been done 3 times. He called police to inform them that his neighbor was messing up his fenceline. Police come out only to tell him the same thing they told him times before that it was a civil matter to be taken up in civil court. The police had already seen the survey so they knew that is was really more of a personal problem with the man then left the scene. After the police left, my husband, his best friend, his best friend's wife and the wife's son were all helping out with putting up the knew fence post. The neighbor comes over on his riding lawnmower with a wagon hooked up to it and it appeared to have shovels and things of the sort. The gets there and just sits there looking at them all without saying a word. Next he pulls out a 12 gauge shot-gun loaded with double ot buck shot and kills my husband's best friend with 2 shots. The others start to run and scatter. He focused on my husband next, he was shot just as he got over a 6 foot fence trying to escape. He fell once and got up then fell 10 feet farther and died. The wife escaped free of harm. The son ran to the road to flag down help and he was gunned down on the road. He was then shot a second time point blank in the head. Of course he did not survive. After he did all this, he got back on his lawnmower just as the police arrived again after several 911 calls. He turned the gun on himself just as they pulled into the drive. I had talked to my husband at 3:00 that day and he was at his parent's house. He stayed there another hour and then went to see his friend that was just up the road. He was truly at the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not get notification of his death until 10:30 pm that evening. The police worked the crime scene 5 hours before contacting me. That was the most awful phone call I have ever received. It keeps ringing in my head, your husband is deceased at this time, over and over. He was only 47 years old. He was my soul mate and best friend for over 10 years. I just can't believe he is gone, it seems like a terrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. We did everything together. Now it seems my life is so void without him. Sometimes I am so angry that the perpetrator killed himself and he wouldn't be punished. But I guess he will get his judgement wherever he is. 3 families torn apart by a senseless act of violence. I know that he is in a better place and I am grateful that he didn't suffer much, but it still aches in my heart 24/7. Thanks for letting me vent.

[manda14]

Catwoman,

Oh my god!!!! What a horrifying story. I am so very sorry for your loss. I really don't even know what to say. You are very strong to have found this group and be able to write your experience so quickly after. Good for you.

I can't even imagine what that must be like for you, knowing that someone's sensless act has hurt so many people...it's just totally unforgiving. I agree that he should have to suffer for this, but luckily he can't do that to anyone else..and he probably was suffering for a very long time for it to come to this over a fence.

You have found the right place and we will all help you through this. The next while will be hard but trust that in time, it does get better.

Bsnurse,

I like to think that things happen for a reson..whether we know it or not. The way he left you was the way it was suppost to happen and nothing could have changed that. People have their "time" and when it's up, it's up. That sounds bad but it's the only way I can believe that there was nothing more I could have done. I tried so many different things, so many alternative treatments and I was convinced that one of them was going to work...when they didn't I felt like I had failed him and myself. I can't think that way or I'd go crazy. It happend the way it was suppost to...we can't blame ourselves, we did the best we could.You did the best you could. He didn't want to worry you anymore than you already were. He was trying to protect you. The "What if's" can't exsist

[missingcurtis]

I am so sorry to hear how others lost their loved ones.

I was feeling sorry for myself because my husband died of cancer and I was left alone.

But I guess I am thankful I did not have small children to raise alone or even teens. Being alone is hard but my decisions are just for me alone.

I had a good Thanksgiving day with family and friends and I am getting ready to go shopping today. I want to do a few things differently than Curtis and I did.

I never liked to decorate for Christmas because I hated to put it all away. But this year I think I will buy new decorations and some that will be easy for me to put away. I am not putting up a tree but I might get a pre-lit wreath for the window.

I will make new memories in this house and give Thanks to God that I have made it this far. December 14th will mark one year and I am ready to cross that bridge when it comes.

I still cry a lot but I also praise God for getting me this far.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

Debbie...........Missing Curtis..........

[lauraa]

Catwoman:

I am so, so sorry for your horrifing loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay with us and let it all out...we will listen and support you every step of the way......take one day at a time.....there are no answers for these kind of things or the people that are so horrible. Thru your suffering you will find theree are people who are good and can help. Stay with us here.

[mishknit]

catwoman....

i am so, so very sorry for your loss..we all have different stories, but you are in the right place to find some people to talk to , vent with and just be yourself with. What a horrible story...i am so sorry for the senselessness of his death.

You keep coming back here and we'll support you.

Michele

[catwoman32]

Thank-you all so much. You don't know what it means to me to finally have found some support. I have a long road ahead. Many lonely days and nights and holidays. At least we all have some or all of those things in common. It seems I keep learning new things that surface about what happened everyday. Now with lawyers involved, it won't be going away anytime soon. I still have to get a headstone for him this week and meet with the lawyers at the same time. I fall to pieces everytime I go to the cemetery. All the money the lawyers promise could never be enough. How do you put a price on one's life? It is so crazy to think about. I still cling to his bloodstained flashlight that was on him that night he was found. I can't even think about washing it off. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy or having a nervous breakdown. I assume these feelings will eventually pass with time. Thank-you all for being so accepting, it means so much to be to have found supportive people like you all. Have a great evening. Rhonda

[airymoon]

hi gals we just got back and ihope everyones holiday was gentle on them. We ignored thanksgiving and it felt good! i finally got to say i'm not doing it and that's that.

Rhonda--I am so sorry for everthing you are going through. I won't even say we.ve been through it because i can't imagine the anger you must feel! I will tell you it is normal to feel like you are going crazy or whatever. If you need to just scream and hit something anything to let out some of your feelings. My kids and I punched holes in a wall in the hallway of our house. We still haven't fixed, just hung pictures over the holes. You do have a long road ahead of you and we will be here for you. No judgement just acceptance and love. You are in my thoughts. I can't imagine losing someone over a fence. And your husband's friend wife? she lost her son and her husband over a fence! I am sorry you won't be able to see that man get punished or tell him how you feel.keep coming back

becky

[rodless]

Rhonda, I am horrified at your story just like the others. All I can say is stay with us.. you will need to know that others understand and care. This is a good place to share exactly how you are feeling without any pressure or unwanted advice. Day by day... sometimes, minute by minute is the only way to deal with things.

I'm back from Thanksgiving travels and had a great weekend. All was new and although I thought about Rod often, it was not as painful as being home would have been. I like the big city in small doses and this was just right.

Now on to Christmas which could be a different story although I have never been a big fan of that holiday since my divorce many years ago. My kids were usually with their dad so we learned that Christmas can happen whenever you want it to, not just on December 25. That will help this year.This will be a rough month for a lot of us and we'll need to help each other through it. Mary Jo

[Guest Guest]

I'm new, so I'll start with an introduction:

I lost my husband a year ago in October. He died of complications from emphysema from being a firefighter. We were firefighters together. Now I'm raising his grandchild (She's 12 now. I'm the only Mom she's known.) from his dysfunctional daughter. I'm retired due to lung damage, and working on my teaching credential to teach high school math. (Yes, I'm sick.) I need to go back to work to support my kid in the style to which she'd like to become accustomed. I'm in my mid 50's. My parents passed on years ago. Mostly I'm on my own, but I get some support from friends & my nephew & his partner (who live in town). I live in a small mountain town in California. My child eats/sleeps/breathes soccer, so I live on soccer fields.

[Guest Guest]

Can't get my profile to update, but I'm the Guest below.

[Guest Guest]

I'm also new and I also couldn't get my profile to update. Last month I lost my husband to a heart attack. He was 38. He was my best friend for 17 years. I'm feeling very lost and alone and afraid. We had no children but I am now responsible for my mom (early dementia), mother-in-law (recovering from melanoma), and stepdad-in-law (dying of liver disease). Most of our friends live out of town. I just need people to chat with so I will feel less alone.

[Guest Guest]

i am very very new at this and very young.. i lost my very first love just 2 months ago. and i cant seem to get over it, i still dont believe that he is gone, that i will no longer see him. my very first love Vic, he killed himself 2 hours after his 25 birthday, on september 14,2006. i cant seem to believe that i just told him the day before not to kill himself and he did. that was the last thing i said to him. i never got to tell him how much i really loved him. he was supposed to spend his birthday with me but i never got ahold of him. i called him the day after his birthday and i called at the moment they were bringing his body bag out, and found out that he had shot himself in the head.i knew he had alot of demons in his head but i never thought he would take his own life. he always said suicide was a slap in Gods face. the worst part is that i am reminded of him everyday when i look at his daughter. she looks just like him, and it hurts me so much to look at her and think she will never know her daddy. Now after two months i am having nightmares, they just haunt me he being alive or me holding him dead in my arms.. i just dont know how to get through this...he was everything me, my first everything. i just need help. how do i get through this

[airymoon]

guest #1 you can always come here to chat. Here you are never alone it is a great place to be just to feel connected to something when you feel overwhelmed or lost.

Guest #2 I hope you keep coming here ato talk it is a very uplifting and supportive group here. my husband also died from aheart attack (they think) he was only 43. What hurts the most is that my 3 kids will not have him watch them grow up. Just try to stay strong

Guest #3 I want you to know that the nightmares are a normal part of the process. So is guilt. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose someone that way. We all get through this one day at a time and if that is too hard then try minute to minute. whatever works. You can keep coming back here and letting your feelings out.

I am so sorry you are all going through this. This board is a great place to be. These ladies in here have held me up many times and they will for you too.

Becky

[mishknit]

all guests...

i am so sorry for your losses....i hate coming on here and seeing new people, because that means there are others going thru what i am...and yet, thank god for a board like this, because we can talk and vent and say whatever we need to, and be supported and cared about and, best..understood. I, too, lost my husband sudddenluy and unexpectedly.....it's hard. it's hard to watch someone die too....like i said, we're all in this together. Please posts your names in your next logins...it's so much nicer to say hi to a name.

And keep posting here. read back awhile..you'll see who we all are that have been on for a while. You'll see people over a year, under a year, a few months...all with so much to say, and all to learn from as you struggle thru your issues.

take care,

michele

[terracotta]

My husband died two weeks ago of cancer. I miss his humor and affection, his intelligent and witty comments, his extremely regular schedule (which I used to tease him about)...even his poker playing and sports watching. Things just seem so bland and pointless without him. Last night I dreamed about him but it wasn't a good dream, which was disappointing. Not exactly a nightmare, but a disturbing dream nevertheless. He enjoyed life so much -- he had so many activities he enjoyed and used to frequently say things like "isn't our life good? I'm happy!" and it's so unfair that he of all people suffered for over a year and then died in spite of all the operations, chemo, radiation, etc. (And yes, I know intellectually that life is unfair. But my reaction is still "it's so unfair"!) I know the intense pain will soften over time, but my god it hurts.

[airymoon]

terracotta- Yes it hurts it is a pain that is indescribable. It is not really a physical pain but, yet it is. It isn't just emotional but it is all emotion because there is no physical evidence. I am so sorry you husband had to suffer and your right it isn't fair. I tried so hard not to say that after my husband died but it is NOT fair.Your husband sounds klike he had a good outlook on life. try to hold on to that. I often wonder why the good people die and suffer and the people who are wasting their life or others seem to always come oout on top. Someone once told me it was so they could see and live their pain in a concious state and know how they were messing up their lives and others. I think but why at the expense of our husbands. That is not right. The dreams will become more clear and loving in time. I think our pain clouds the real message for a while . Keep coming to see us here and we will make it through this "stuff" together.

Becky

[lauraa]

terracotta.....I am sorry for your loss. This is a journey we are all on. I can't say it is easy. I would just say, to allow yourself to feel every pain you are feeling and cry whenever you need to. I cried so much in the beginning and when I sensed it coming on and on I would be really hard on myself but then I realized that I had to get it out...I then gave myself permission and it was o.k.....it has been 2 1/2 years for me and I still cry everyday. I think everyone's situations are different and we need to do whatever we need to in order to get thru this. The holidays are difficult and so is every anniversary (and there are alot) but it is all the little daily things (memories)that come flooding in and it can be overwhelming. There are many stages to grieving and they can be compounded in many way. It is had and I think we go thru a phase of feeling totally numb. When our are able to handle the debths of our grief that numbess lifts. Please keep writing to us because it is a great support and we all know your pain.

[missinmyhubby]

I was just reading all the posts I have missed out on in the past few days. Sometimes it is sooooo hard to type all the emotions you feel...

I am soooo sorry to hear all the pain, but so glad there is a place for everyone to come to where at least others understand!

I have told you all several times that I had two reasons for finally posting after holding a membership for over three years..one to validate that I was not alone in the feelings I experienced (and still do even though I remarried), and two to try and give hope that there is life again out there eventually if you can just hang on through all the pain, grief, ups, downs, etc.

Sometimes I come on and just read, other times I have come on to post, but either way, I am glad there is a place to come...I should have come here so much sooner!

Turkey day was good...the new hubby was wonderful as usual...

He got up before me and stuffed the turkey and put it in the oven (neither one of us have ever cooked a turkey before...quite funny since he is 42 and I am 38), he let me sleep til noon (which kinda mortified and embarassed me since we had agree to do it together..lol), when I got up the girls and I made chocolate cream pie together, and then I taught my oldest girl, 14, how to make the gravey...I made one batch and she made the other...both were equally nummies.

We sat down to eat, and everyone was in good spirits. Our old tradition for myself and the three younger kids, and there late dad, was to say three things we were all thankful for before we ate. The six of us kept the tradition, as the three younger ones had asked if we could, so be it...We all went around the table and told of three things we were thankful for..the new hubby went first..said he was thankful for having me, having us as a family, and for being here. I was next, trying to make light of the situation (my way of dealing with not so light situations..chickenshit that I am)...I said I was thankful for my new hubby, I was thankful that all of us seem to be settling into the meshing of two families a lot better then in the beginning, and last MY NEW MUSTANG (the hubby just bought for me..my dream car), next was my six yr old who clammed up and passed, then my 14 year daughter...I can't remember quite what she said for her first two because she shocked me when the third was that she was thankful for having a dad again (okay, I am crying..but I didn't over dinner the other night..which I am grateful for), then came the kicker when my 13 year old son went next (he has had the hardest time with this, mostly because he feels his dad's death was his fault..they were agruing when his dad died and he thinks he added stress which caused his massive heart attack..though over the past three years we have tried to tell him he had no responsiblity for his dad passing, that his heart was bad and it was just his time and we all knew that...you can't change ones mind when they are grieving...no matter what you say...as he still feels after all the encouragement, that he is still to blame some)..anyway, he went on to say he was thankful for two items, which I can't remember, because HE shocked me when HE said HE was thankful for having a DAD again (after his dad passed he swore he would never call a man DAD ever again...they don't call Mark dad, and we will never push any of the kids to, though the baby does freely, the others call him Papa,their nickname they came up with...my son referred to him as DAD!) That was such a HUGE step in this healing process we have all been going through...I feel like we are doing something right in all the wrong that took place...my kids are going to be okay.....Next went my new son of 17 years, he was thankful for his new girlfriend Jessie (his first, and they are so icky in love), then for his girlfriend again, and what seemed like with a little reluctance..he added the food. I laughed, because we were all making light of the situation, but I also realized, we still have healing to do with him. His mother walked out on him at 14 years old, and I walked in two years later. It kind of hurt, but I also understand). BOY THIS **** KEEPS ME HUMBLE!!!!

Then...WE ALL DUG IN AND DEMOLISHED EVERY LAST BIT OF FOOD!!!!

Mark had mentioned, later on after dinner, that he hoped it was all I wanted it to be. He then said it two more times that evening between the first and bedtime. This is a man who has supported me in every form and fashion since day one, and yet he was asking for affirmation. I of course told him the truth...it could not have been better! For the time, and circumstances, and the new man in my life, and the new memories we are making together...IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN BETTER AT ALL!!!....For this, I am thankful. I asked him in return how it was for him, and he said wonderful! Sometimes I feel like I can never express enough the feelings I have inside..I still miss Mark each and everday, nobody will ever take his place, nothing will ever change the love I have for him, nothing, nothing, nothing...And, I still wonder why God took him from us, and why we have to suffer the way we do, especially the children! But, I can say...I am thankful for what I have infront of me now...A wonderful new friend and husband, a new stepson whom I have to show tender loving care to, my two children up north whom still think of me as mom..even though I was there stepmom, and my three natural kids whom seem to be getting on with their lives after the loss of their dad. When I type that is seems kinda quirky...we never want to move on and leave the loved ones behind...we want to keep them a part of our everyday life, to always remember them, to never forget...and we never will. But, for the sake of the kids....I want them to be happy and healthy and it is through them that I most judge if WE are okay. I don't know how much sense that just made to all of you, but I am sure you get it.

Yesterday, my new Mark and I went house shopping! When we married I married into owning a house. He put me on the mortgage and the lease and for the first time I owned a home. But, he knows I want one of our own, as the one we own now was his and Julie's. Since we moved to Florida, we have been leasing the one in Nevada that we own, and have been renting ourselves. We may have found a new house, but he is making calls to the bank to see what we can get financed for and then we will get more serious once that info is given to us. I could never afford a house before, being the sole provider of five, and I am not quite sure how to feel about it all now! I am excited of course, but unsure of what the process is, what is best, buy a house already built, building one ourselves, etc. And, since I get to be honest on here, I am looking forward to building the memories, owning a house of my own and Mark's (yessssss), and of course our big bundle of kids, buttttttttt.......a wee scared of what it all means...it means Mom is getting on too...I would be lying if I said that doesn't bother me. Do you gals recall how I mentioned the difficulties of where to put all the emotions? This is one of them that I was talking about. Parts don't want to get on with life and parts do....I love my other Mark and I love my new Mark. Part of me is afraid of leaving the other Mark in the dust (no pun intended at all!) to continue the dreams and build memories with my new husband. ACCKKKK!!!!! A part of me would like to put the brakes on the house hunting until the holidays are through because the holidays, being the first we have all celebrated for three years, are going to be tuff enuff to get through. But, the delimas are this...my husband is trying so hard to give me everything he knows I have dreamed of(which, I know if I told him this he would stop right this second and wait) but I don't want to dissapoint him, as I know he thinks this new house would make the perfect Christmas gift!! Two, the kids...all of them..hate where we are living and their schools..they are struggling with their grades and would like to move to where we were house shopping at like right now. And, three, our lease is up here at the end of the month of December..of all the timing...and if we don't get a house now, we have to sign another lease which means all of us living here for another year in a place (town) we all dislike. Simple...I like simple...and this is not simple!!! Trying to please five other people and myself at once is not simple!!!LOL!!! I don't want to dissapoint them all because I need a slow down!!! ACKKKK

Okay, enuff with that...I spent five hours in the ER Saturday night with my 13 year old son. He and his friend were at the skate park and had a massive collision on the half pipes. He hit his face on his friends shoulder and split his lip clean open and knocked three adult teeth loose. The tooth did not go through the lip, it hit so hard on impact that it SPLIT his lip...GROSSSSSSSSSSSS. So, we did the hospital thing for the first time. He has never broken a bone yet or needed stitches before now. It is amazing how much a male can change when the pain is on....lol. My young man who is going through the macho stage turned into my little boy again. It was actually amazing how well he handled it all, but it was with me holding his hand. He is fine and went to school today. I am sure he is showing off his battle wound to all his buddies and the girls who think he is "hot"...LOL...as I type. I am thankful it was not worse!

Well, another book today...Thanks for listening all and God Bless each and everyone of you!!!

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

I was just rereading my book I posted and I have more thoughts...

One, I noticed some typos!!! LOL

I notice I write more about how I am now with Mark and not of the heart wrenching experience we have all had to suffer.

I think I did not come on here for three plus years because I am a quite pain kind of gal. I kept the suffering to myself...after all, who else wanted to hear it...and mostly, who else would understand it????

You gals understand it, so I don't write about it, I just assume you know I have been there too.

I need to talk about it more!!! But, I am not sure how...for fear of breaking down....And, if I am trying to be an inspiration to you gals, how do I talk about it without deminishing hope?!?!?

Pain sucks!!!

Depression sucks!!!

Pain might suck and it has sucked more then ever the past three years, but it has taught me some tuff lessons.

I love harder but am still scared shitless of losing it again!!!!!!!!!!

And last one for the day, so I am not a total message board hog......

WHAT DOESN'T KILL US, TRULY DOES MAKE US STRONGER!!!!

Love to all!

Angel

[mishknit]

angel...

i loved your "book"...you see, when we all get to read about different sides of the experience, it's a good thing. I think others will agree, some may not. But this is also a place for you to write whatever you need to write, and that's what you;re doing.

I really apprecaite every time you let us know about your new life and how your old life affects the new...hopefully, maybe..some of us will have similar experiences.

i got asked out the other night..wrong time, wrong person, but it gives me hope for the future.

keep talking!

michele

[nolena]

I guess I finally appear as a non-guest.

I wrote earlier about being firefighters together with my husband and raising my step grandaughter.

It really helps to read about what everyone else is going through. It helps to not feel so alone.

I guess we're in this together.

It's really hard when the kid goes through pain. This holiday season is better than the first one, but it's still tough. Although I am thankful for my nephews and friends who live in town. They help.

Keep on writing, ladies. It's great to have someone to talk to who understands.

[rodless]

Cloudy days are so hard for me and this was a drizzling doozy. I had a good Thanksgiving weekend but today was a struggle. I went to the cemetery on my supper break and sat for awhile... one of those days I can't believe he's gone, even though I knew for a long time it could happen. Rain was dripping down the windshield and tears down my face at the same time. I'm sure tomorrow will be better....I know I feel better just sharing with others who understand. Mary Jo

[airymoon]

angel-I totally understand what you are saying. It seems like now that the pain isn't all on the surface anymore i am having a hard time getting the two worlds to mesh. Life without kurt and my old life with him. We went away for the first time wihtout him and we had fun but at night i kept thinking how much he would love being where we were. When we returned home my mother asked me if I remembered the first time he had buffalo meat to eat. I had to stop and think about who she was talking about. Not because i'd forgotten him, but because i had to remember that time because it seemed so far away that i couldn't reconcile it with the four (not five ) of us being on vacation and seeing buffalo. It was almost like "What does that have to do with our vacation" Then i felt bad and tried to figure it out. I've decided now i don't know what it meant to feel that. It just is what it is and thats all i can deal with right now. I am so glad for your holiday. I know I don't have to tell you how blessed you are to have this man/family that you have. It gives me hope. More because my son and his dad argued the night before he died and my son also feels guilty. He thinks he upset his dad and made him die sooner or that his dad didn't know he loved him or his dad didn't love him. There was so much left unsaid between them i get so angry when i think about how much better it would have been if they had just talked before he died even just to say hi to each other. I tried to tell my husband several times before that he was losing touch with our son he would just say "it'll work itself out" How i wish we could have known how little time we had. My son once told me the song "Perfect" by simple plan was how he felt about he and his dad. I asked his dad to listen to it and he said maybe he would. That was 2 years ago and he never did, I get really angry about that. It is a beautiful song but don't listen if you are not prepared for the tears.I am so happy for your house hunting.Please don't rush take your time to look it is a lot of fun. If you want to wait until after the holidays then just look but don't committ to a house until then. Maybe you can work out a 6 month lease or something. When i read about your kids calling your new mark dad i cried. I don't know how you held it together during dinner. i would have been a mess. Try to remember your not moving on without your first Mark. Your just taking him along quietly and adding more to his family too.

Just a little note for you. You are an inspiration because of who you are not because of what you tell us. If we don't hear about your pain we still know you went through it. It is OK to breakdown maybe even good. It will not diminish our hope it will just help us see the truth about you and your life. You can be there for us and still break down. After all sometimes we need to feel like we are the strong ones holding others up. lol I totally agree with michele.

Michele- Well maybe next time it will be the right place and person. It is a boost to your ego though. I went through (and still do)feeling like who in the world would want me after i have healed to that point? I mean i am 40 i have three kids, a house you can barely walk through and a whole lot of baggage dragging behind me. I told my friend how I was feeling and he said a lot of people would be stupid not to see what i had to offer. I then made him list each and everything.(poor guy) It was all a little silly because he is such a good friend and married but it felt good to have someone else see the things my husband had seen, even if he didn't mean all of them in "that" way. I guess sometimes you just have to go fishing for compliments. Now if I need a boost I just email him and say this happened today and i'm fishing here. Then he gives me some kind of compliment for affirmation. It's good to have someone to trust and not think your crazy. Or maybe he does think I am crazy and is just scared to say anything that might make me mad? lol. either way it works to make me feel better.

well ok ladies i'm off to bed. work tomorrow then i promised my 8 year old i would get the christmas stuff down to decorate. She even made me sign a contract. I hope i can do it without throwing and breaking everything. This year Christmas lights make me mad. Hopefully that will get better.

Nolena-please come back to talk with us it really is an uplifting place and we do understand.

Becky

[missinmyhubby]

Michele - Thank you so much for your kind words!!!! What happened with your date proposal???

Thank all of you for making me feel welcomed and the way you all welcome the newcomers.

I am going to try and talk about some of my feelings, of course they are all ones you experience now, so I am saying nothing new here. I read it and feel it so often in here...the pain, the kind that is so deep it consumes you. When I first signed up on here I recall reading from others who responded about how it will get better. Prior to that, I had been hearing it from friends and family too. What would get better??????? Our lives had been ripped apart from the core out. The very breath had been taken from my kids and myself. A month passed, two months passed, nothing felt better, not one bit. I hurt like hell...I just wanted to shout...WHAT THE F DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW?!?!?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT THIS IS LIKE?!?!?! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE HERE, HOW MUCH PAIN I FEEL, HOW ALONE I FEEL, HOW SAD I AM, HOW SCARED I AM, HOW IT HURTS TO SEE MY BABIES HURTING, HOW MY CHEST FEELS LIKE A CANNON BALL HAD BEEN SHOT RIGHT THROUGH IT, HOW CRAZY I FEEL FOR WANTING TO JOIN HIM KNOWING THAT I WAS ALREADY DEAD INSIDE, HOW I CAN'T JOIN HIM BECAUSE THAT WOULD UTTERLY DESTROY WHAT WAS LEFT OF MY KIDS, HOW MUCH I WANT TO TOUCH HIM, HOW I NEED TO SAY SORRY TO HIM FOR ALL MY MORTAL WRONG DOINGS AND I WILL NEVER GET THAT CHANCE, HOW DEEP THE REGRETS, HOW DEEP THE GUILT GOES, HOW I CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM IN A DAMN DREAM, HOW HARD IT IS TO BREATH, TO GET UP EVERYDAY AND FORCE MYSELF TO FACE THIS HELL, TO DRESS MY KIDS, TO GO TO WORK, TO FUNCTION PERIOD, TO NOT TAKE MY OWN LIFE TO END THE PAIN, TO KNOW HOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS OR SO WITH ALL OF THIS PAIN?!?!?!? And on and on. Of course they didn't understand, how could they? And when I came on here looking for some understanding, all I heard was more of the same...it gets better?!?!?! I didn't give it a chance then. I didn't know how. Everybody, and I mean everybody, has always said how strong of a person I am, all my life. How it must have rocked them to the core to see I am weak, and that even the strongest of individuals can be brought down, and hard too. That constant reminder that it could happen to them. That person that just doesn't know what to say, because they don't know how to help you, because they just don't understand. I remember thinking when people asked if I was okay...I was like "okay???? no, I am not okay. I feel like a lunatic." All the while smiling and shaking my head yes. When they would ask me if there was anything they could do...All I could think of was "can you bring him back????...If not, no, not at all." Oh, and the comment of "everything happens for a reason, and sometimes you just won't ever know why." I was like what?!?!?!?!?! All I thought was I must have done something really F'in terrible, that even I am not aware of, for God to punish me like this, but why my kids too!?!?!?!?! I was so alone in my pain, so alone and absorbed that I ignored my kids for a year!!!! I left my babies to their own devices to deal and never helped them...I couldn't..... I couldn't find any help, and I couldn't help myself.

I am so surprised nobody on here has told me to shut the Hell up when I say it is going to get better...I know I wanted to. I am sure some have thought it, but like me, they think, yeah right, and keep to being polite!!! I just quit coming and kept away from everyone in the world. I hate the pain on here because I can't make it go away for everyone, I can't promise it will end because it doesn't, I can't fix it for you and I want to because I know how it hurts so bad. But on the flipside, I come here because there is so much acceptance, and I now realize everyone on here knew exactly what I was going through, and everyone is so kind, even with their pain.

It has gotten better (not ended), but I have learned and am still learning to cope with it. It IS like a piece of me was severed and I had to learn to live with that missing part. That missing part will always be gone, and I will always feel the loss, but I have learned to function without it. Maybe not perfected it yet, but I am giving it all I have.

I have always believed that for a negative you could find a positive...not this time baby!!! What the hell positive can you take away from this?!?!?!?! I come on here now and read the posts and it astounds me how almost everyone on here has had a positive comment. It makes me think what a jerk I was being to everyone out there at the time who tried to lift me up when I was so broken. But, you know what, I don't beat myself up over it, because it was how I dealt with it, and nothing can change it. The positive did come for me, but it took a long time to start seeing it. I realized I had started to make a network of true friends. I weeded out those that just don't have time for you, family included, and stuck with the ones who were truly friends. My friendships are deeper. The lessons that were learned, what a way to learn them, but I can't deny I learned some just the same. I am a much better person. (Not like I was horrible before or anything). But, I also feel a little more judgemental..which I am working on. If you are hateful and mean spirited, don't waste my time and I won't waste yours. But, if you are kind then you have anything I can give you, just say the word. I guess I am trying to say, I just don't have time for BS. If you want real, you got it, if you don't...go away...life is hard enough to cope with, just don't want the extra helping of BS thanks!

Well, I am going to close for now...I am falling asleep.

Take care!!

Angel

[airymoon]

Angel AMEN i feel everything you said. Sometimes the one thing that stops me from killing myself and ending the pain is my kids. I can't do that to them. I am so damn lonely for just a friend to hold me when i cry. no thats not true i want my husband to hold me when i cry. I want to hear him say " i love you " and to call me sexy like he used to.One of those times i want it to end is now. I told you all about my friend who emails me compliments, well sometimes he will say the things i want kurt to say and if i read it i can hear kurt's voice and for a few seconds he's here. I'll tell my friend what he would have said and he says it for me. Not the sanest thing in the world but i'm not sure how sane i am any more.

OK so here is the problem, one of the emails got printed and when my 18 year old was doing his homework he found it and read it. He is telling me what he thought kurt saw in me. and then we joke around about what we are wearing because it gets too heavy. My son read this but he only had a partial email. taken out of context it looked like we were together.I tried to explain what it was and why but he doesn't believe me. I don't blame him it is very weird if not insane. I tried to tell him that i knew this person as long as i knew his dad and the three of us were always together. so when i felt the weakest or like the world was collapsing i would tell him and he would talk to me about kurt or what was wrong if i asked he would say he loved me because we are best friends and i do love him he knows me almost as well as kurt did. SO.. it seemed safe to go to him for those words i needed to hear. I didn't want to pick someone up in a bar to get that contact didn't even want to take the chance. Was drinking beer to dull the pain when it got too bad but that didn't work either.so i thought i was choosing the safest route to try to feel worthy again.That might not be the right word but you know what i mean.he says its not true and i was cheating on his dad and he will never believe me again. He has already told me he will never forgive me if i date someone else even if he is married and has kids. I know that could change and i'm not ready to date but it puts a stop to all thoughts when you hear that but sometimes i need to also feel normal...so i talk to my friend.It feels like he is the only one who understands because he is one of the few that knew us through our whole lives. I don't even hear from my husbands family anymore and their are grand kids here. Because i didn't collapse and move in with my parents for 6 months like my sister did my family thinks i'm doing fine now even when i tell them i'm not. Just a set back they say. Hell no it's my LIFE. So this was my one little fantasy anything could be asked or said and it was done and over when the computer signed off. Now my son thinks i'm some kind of terrible person and i feel like crap and i don't even know why this is such a big deal because its just words. I feel like i 'screwed up his life and i seriously messed up. Right now i am shaking so bad i canhardly type, i feel like i can't breathe and i may throw up. Why is it so screwed up all the time and when will it be enough. I cannot take much more and i'm thinking if they don't find me then my kids will think i just left my son already hates me and i'm sure i'll mess up with the others so why keep prolongong it they are probably better off with someone else anyhow.

[nolena]

No, they're not better off with someone else.

And they'll mature and act better toward you.

And you do what you have to do; what's right for you.

It's a temporary feeling. Things will get better.

Things suck for me off and on, too.

We can't give up. It's not fair to those who love us.

[missinmyhubby]

Nolena...you are so correct when you say it is hard when the kids go through the pain. Sorry to hear your loss. We are in this together, keep coming back.

Mary Jo...(((hugs))) Sorry your day was so bleak.

Becky...(((hugs))) I read your posts early this morning and again when I woke up, and again just now. I am glad to hear you had some fun on your vacation! I think we get to a point where we reach resignation. I think that was where I started to decide to return. I just knew I couldn't live like I was any longer, something had to give. Regarding your son...is he open to communicate with you? Is he seeing a counselor? I know it hurts to see our kids hurting, but does he see you hurting? For that first year, I didn't interract with my own kids much. The baby was 3 1/2 when he passed and for awhile there, she didn't even know that her dad was dead, just that he went to heaven. I didn't have the heart to explain it all to her. Eventually she put two and two together and figured it out...suckass mom I was huh? But, when I decided I couldn't live like that any longer, and that my kids needed at least one parent around again, I started to talk to them. Mine were a lot younger though and were more receptive to the snuggling. I think they were relieved to have me back around and see me not hurting so much. Now, I was hurting, but I started sucking it up for their sake. They had never seen me cry about their dad, they just saw me hide myself away. But, on occasions, I would let them see me cry. I think that gave them the right to cry too, and start thinking about their feelings and what they did feel. They couldn't express them well, but they could snuggle with me, have a good tear, and say they missed him. I would tell them how much I missed him too and that it made me sad. They actually asked if that is why I slept so much. We started making pacts together on how we WOULD have a good time and how we would think that dad would like that. When I got involved with Mark, my oldest daughter was angry. She wrote a note once to me that said she didn't understand why I had to have a man in my life, that she liked it better with just us, that I paid more attention to them. It was a very nasty, hurtful note. After all the pain I had been going through, I wasn't ready for that. I had been doing everything in my power to see my kids start to smile again. That note actually pissed me off. So, when it was my turn to be happy again, I thought her very selfish. And, at 12, they are. But, I was still upset. I thought about it for awhile, cried, and then decided, screw this. They hurt, I hurt, but life must go on. It was not fair that she thought I should have to suffer eternally to give THEM everything. I may have been a horrible mother for a year, but they had all of me before that, and all of me after that. I actually told her how I was feeling, and it wasn't pretty. I yelled at her, told her how dare her, how could she be so selfish, that I was actually hurting for so long, and now that I am starting to feel happy again you want to be mean to me? That no matter what I loved her, but that I needed love to. She asked why her and her siblings weren't enough? I had to bring it to her level. I asked her about her friends. How would she feel if she never had a friend again. What if I asked her to spend ALL of her time with me. I told her, I will make you a deal. We will move on without my new boyfriend and I will spend all my extra time with her, if she would agree to do the same. She said she would be lonely without her friends, and I asked her why I wasn't good enough to spend all her time with? She said because she liked having her friends, and I replied with so do I. Somewhere a light came on. She was like oh, I get it mom, and we cried together. I told her, yeah, kiddo, I need my own friends too. I like to have my space. I want to feel loved again. I made sure to tell her it didn't mean that I loved them any less, and they weren't good enough for me, it just meant that on top of their love, I had my adult needs too. It didn't cure it instantly, but she was a lot less angry at me after that. I also made sure the whole house heard this conversation so I wouldn't have to have it again, just in case one of the other kids tried to make me feel like crap over Mark. I guess I just put my foot down. I am not saying that you should do that with your son, only you know what he can handle. He is also grieving. I do know we tend to put the passed loved one on a pedestal of perfection, and how dare anyone say anything bad about them, unless they want their eyes gouged out. Maybe that is what your son is still going through. It's okay to put that person there, it means they were loved. My son, the one who blames himself, worried about the love between them too. Did dad know I loved him and did he love me. Well, we have a saying in our house....Just because I am mad at you, doesn't mean I stop loving you. My first Mark is the one who brought that saying home. So, I had to remind my son several times, that Dad use to say that. I asked him if he stopped loving Dad because he was mad at him right before he died. He of course said, no. I said, do you think Dad stopped loving you because he was mad at you? He just kind of shrugged his shoulders. That's when I gently reminded him of Dad's saying. Of course I pulled him near and told him, Dad knows you love him, remember Dad always said, "just 'cause I'm mad at you, doesn't mean I stopped loving you", and he can see and hear us now talking about him, so he knows you still love him. He cried a little and then just laid with me a bit. Then there were times that the kids didn't want to talk about it, they would tell me that they didn't feel like being sad. I was like, okay, and dropped it. But, I made sure that they knew if they needed to say something, they could, and I would stop whatever I was doing and talk. Whether Mark was there, or grandma, or anyone...so, that's how we worked it. We would talk of funny times sometimes at the table, in the car, wherever, and learned to start smiling over the memories and not always crying. I talked WITH them and not to them...I think that was the most important thing I could have done..keeping the communications open. When they saw that it was okay to talk about him openly, things seemed to get a bit better. And if anyone felt uncomfortable with us talking about him, screw them, they were welcome to leave....INCLUDING THE JERK I DATED..CHAD.

Something has to happen for your son though, he needs to start healing. He needs to let you heal too! As for the cheating on your husband, you aren't...the vows clearly state...'TIL DEATH DO US PART. I know that is hard to hear, I couldn't swallow it for the longest time, but it is what it is. Does he believe that his father can hear him when he talks? Or that he can see him down here? Do you???? PLAY THE DAMN SONG AND MAKE HIM LISTEN TO IT!!!!! You have that power now, he has no choice but to listen. I'd put that song on and crank the SOB up loud enough for everyone in Heaven to hear it!!!!! If anything, maybe it will get your anger out, and a ticket for disturbing the peace...lol.

As for the house, everything will work itself out. My husband called today and said that they didn't think we could get financed for that amount. He sounded dejected....but said we could keep looking?? I was quick to say with a reassureing smile...okay . However, the bank said they are trying a few more things and would get back to him by tomorrow. I firmly believe, and so does he, that if it is meant to be, it will be. So, that does take some of my pressure off Thank you for your support and ideas! I will let you know how it turns out!!

As for not crying at dinner on Thanksgiving...I have hated the holidays for a few years, they have meant nothing to me. This year I said, you know, the kids want a Turkey, and Christmas lights, and I need to give it to them. They deserve to know happy holidays. So, I WAS DETERMINED to make it as happy for everyone as I could, and I did. And, it wasn't really that hard when I set my mind to it, just a little bittersweet.

As for the letter your son found. Man, this is a toughy. Whatever you all are going through, you deserve a right to feel and be able to deal with this in whatever manner you see best for yourself, whether you think it is insane or not. I personally think, and this is my thoughts only, that your son of 18 years is hurting, grieving, and being very selfish in his pain. I am not saying that he is being horrible in anyway, just the opposite. He is dealing with his grief in his own way, but not seeing that you are in your own part of this grief. You and he will grieve for Kurt your own way and at your own pace. But, if you feel like you are ready to start reaching out to another man, that is your business. He needs to understand that you have a right to love again and be loved. He needs to not make you feel like you are worthless as a mother...that is just horrible. Why are you letting your child put you in this state of mind??? He is being mean to you too. You are NOT a terrible person at all, you are being human! And Becky, it will be enough when you say it's enough dear, but only when you say it. Your babies don't hate you, they love you and need you, they are hurting and so are you. Dig deep down and find some strenth girl, you can do it!!!

God Bless you!!!

Angel

[nolena]

O. K.

It's my birthday.

Time for a little levity.

The Up Side of Grief:

1) You no longer have to worry about cleaning out your tear ducts.

2) You no longer have to wonder IF your kids are having emotional crises.

3) You no longer have to worry about holidays being "special."

4) The phrase "I don't give a rat's ass!" takes on a whole new special meaning for you.

Anyone got any more?

[missingcurtis]

Nobody ever said life was fair but right now I have the feeling that life is very Unfair!

I lost the love of my life almost a year ago. I am counting down to the 14th of December. It is like a wound being torn open all over again.

Then to top it all off, the friend of his that had been calling me and checking on me, we had a big fight. He has always be so kind to me. He made me laugh and made me love life again. But now he is upset with me. I am not entirely all to blame but I had gotten some information about him from a mutual friend. I asked him about it and he got very very upset. Yelled at me and hung up on me.

It is like a nightmare. I do not want to lose another person in my life. Someone who helped me through this year. If he stops talking to me, it will be like another death. I was getting too dependent on him, I know. But he made me laugh. He gave me hope that life would go on.

I guess we have all had friends who don't understand the hurt we are feeling. And life does go on. I just wanted this one guy to be in my life because he was a friend of Curtis' too.

I guess it just shows you never know who your friends are.

Debbie...........Missing Curtis

[mishknit]

angel..you go girl! Becky...that is so hard, but, to me, angel has some good advice....i've not been there, but may, and i will remember what she said.

debbie...i am so sorry....it is soon, and i know how hard it will be.....keep posting, get it out here, and know we're all with you. My year isn't far away either, I know darlene is close too...we're all here for each other, thank god. Do you have a plan? a get-away, a friend..somethng to help you? And i'm so sorry about your friend too....

nolena...

great post..let's see

it's relief to shave my legs less often.

i always have leftovers for another meal after cooking

i can cry anytime i want to and not be thought weird

i really did need more closet space

i shop so much less because i don't care what i wear

i'll think of more...Happy birthday to you!

michele

[mishknit]

so..my date thing....

i went to a party and had a fascinating time with a well-known author (don't ask..I won't tell !!!). there were others there too, so it wasn't like it was just me and him talking, although part of the time it was, and he met my son and knew my situation...all coming up in conversation. I loved the evening..it was so interesting, he is so smart, and i enjoyed the intellectual stimulation. All good, until he asked if he could take me out sometime..then i became a bumbling fool, and couldn't give him my number but told him to get it from our mutual friends....it was really ridiculous.

i just had no idea he was going to ask me out, i still wear my wedding ring, and tom's around my nck, openly on a chain..i was really blindsided, and acted accordingly. i actually would go out with him, just out of interest, but i acted prettty stupidly, so don't expect a call.

BUT....I was flattered, and it gave me hope.

that's good.

michele

[justamom]

I just had a couple to add

If you look like you might freak out, the store clerks will take anything back.

My family will do anything that I want, anytime I want.

I got double birthday gifts this year.

I don't have to host any holiday gatherings this year.

Lastly, I can drink as much as I want to and say anything that I want to and all is forgiven the next day.

My one year is coming up too. Not sure what I am going to do but It will involve cocktails and comfort food without a doubt.

Take care girls, Lisa

P.s. The "hockey game man" is really turning out to be a great guy. I am enjoying having someone new to talk to and spend time with. Nothing more than friends but it is nice and maybe someday..... who knows.

[justamom]

Michele, If he calls I think you should go. It has really been good for my self esteem. (Just my 2 cents)Lisa

[mishknit]

oh...i will go if he calls....just don't think he will, and that's ok.

we always had a huge party at christmas..i hae had many people call to see if i'm still doing it...WHAT?????

what on earth could they be thinking? I am invited to a lot tho, which is good, but puts me back at not having anything to wear since i don't care.

glad hockey boy is good. my hubby was hockey boy too...born in MInnesota...took me to my first hockey game when we were dating, and we had season tix for years. I grew to really enjoy it. BUT..never grew to enjoy the football

oh..that's a good one

NO FOOTBALL!!!

michele

[catwoman32]

It has been almost 3 weeks since Duane was murdered with his friend and friend's step-son over a fence line dispute. Just got a head stone ordered for him today. I miss him immensely. He was my life for the last 10 years. I am angry with the man that killed them and then was such a chicken he killed himself, but I know that he only gave the 3 guys a one way ticket to heaven and he got his to hell. Sometimes I wish he hadn't of killed himself so there would be justice here on earth for him, but he really got the ultimate punishment. He broke the 10 commandments of Thou Shalt Not Kill and then he killed himself dooming his soul to hell. I spent several years praying for Duane's salvation. I guess this was God's way of saving him. At least I know for sure I will see him again one day. He was also lucky to not have to deal with getting old, sick or suffering. He always had a fear of that. If I can tell anyone something about my situation it is love the one's you have like it is the last day. You never know when it will be. Nov 9. 2006 at 3:09pm was the last time I spoke to my husband alive. I have also seen some positive to this too. Many people are realizing that today may be their last day, so they are changing their lives for the better. Duane's parents once again are affectionate toward one another and sleep in the same bed. This has not happnened in many years. I know it is hard to see a positive through so much pain and grief, but I feel if losing Duane meant saving many others lives, then it was worth it. He was admired by many. He raced moto-cross and was well known. I believe the Lord takes the people that influence us most to draw us closer to him. He wants us all, not just our loved one. My advice is to take one day at a time, stay busy and do something to memorialize them. It will keep their spirit alive. I know my husband deserves it and so does yours. It will make you feel better and still close to him. I too have my down days, but I let it pass with hopes of a better day to come. Don't let the devil trick you into thinking you are worthless and need to end your life. You owe it to your spouse to keep keeping on so you will meet once again. Don't let the devil win more than he already does. He tried to take my husband and his friends, but through God's grace they were saved. Instead of 4 people he only got one. Please remember to keep the faith and lean on God when you think you can't handle anymore. The devil controls too many bad things that happen in this world, don't let him have the chance to do more damage. Keep the faith. If I can you can too. Peace be with you all Rhonda

[bsnurse76]

It is a little over 3 weeks for me also. I finally started back to clinicals for school yesterday. These last couple of days at school have been okay. Everyone at school has been great. I still think of him every minute of the day. He also worked at the hospital where I do clinicals, so that is hard. I didn't see him much at work but I always knew he was there. His son's first high school basketball game is tomorrow. His mother wants as many people that were a part of Darren's life to be there to support his son. His dad always went to his games. It will be hard to be there tomorrow without Darren. It breaks my heart to know a 15 year old young man lost his dad and his best friend. He loved his Dad so much and his Dad was so proud of him.

It is great to read what everyone writes. It gives me a lot of hope that this will get easier. I miss him so much. Thanks for everything. This site is a blessing. Brandi

[aprilmoonflower]

wow so many posts, I need to catch up!

things have been pretty busy here for me. I am cleaning out my house! (I have been cleaning it out very slowly for the last year!) anyway it's so hard yet feels good at the same time..I just can't get over all the junk DH and I have saved over the years!!! I haven't touched DH closet much (I have given a few things away) and got rid of the shoes and everything in his dresser. it's so hard..sigh.

Michele- I am dying to know about the author now.lol. I won't ask but PLEASE tell us if you go on a date!

Angel- I'm sorry I lost you on the IM the other night! (I had to put DS to bed and got sidetrached! sorry!!!) I will send you an email soon!

[airymoon]

Angel--Thank you so much! we do talk about their dad all the time but my oldest won't say much. I couldn't make him understand that what he read was just words and yes i wanted to hear them because when you hear them every hour every day and then they are just gone you crave them. I told him a lot of people go find someone not very nice and bad things happen and i at least know who this person is and its not really about being with someone and it is about feeling like i "could" be with someone, I think he got it a little more when i said to imagine that his girlfriend was suddenly gone and he had no way of seeing or touching or talking to her. And most of those that were connected to her didn't call because they or talk for whatever reason and all he had left of his old life was his younger siblings that he wanted to keep safe and his memories. Then imagine that her friend says i know how bad your hurting and you can talk to me about her no matter waht you have to say ill listen, And she knows things that you have forgottenbut make you laugh and feel like shes here as soon as they are mentioned. Yes that fills a need and i talk over the computer to keep it in the right frame because any thing else would be too confusing now. Then i told him before he judgedme to look at this from the outside like he wasn't in the family and see how hard it was to loose that sense of your self and have your kid say no matter what you could never be with someone else even if all the kids were married and gone. Mostof his issue was how i was leaving his dad behind and i was glad to see that he felt that prtective over his dads meemories. It means that he knows his dad loved him even if he has doubts. I told him i would never date without letting them know that i wanted to start going out and i would never just all of a sudden bring someone in with out them getting to know them first.But the bottom line was anything that happened with me and with the letter was really none of his business. It would be their business if i decided to make it be a part of their life but if i just needed someone to hang on to for a little while than that was my business and this person was a friend of mine and he would treat him with the same respect i treat his friends with. Then i said i loved him and he said he loved me too and we went to bed @ 4:30 am. Today before i got home i called him (I was really nervous... weird) and he and i joked around on the phone so i guess it will be what it will be and he will eventually understand and know i love him and he loves me. I think it was a shock for him to see that i talked to another man and now the shock is wearing off and he may be seeing that i need my friends and not all girls. I did cry in front of him but he told me that it really upset him because he thought he didn't love his dad enough or miss him enough because he wasn't crying like i did. We talked about it but i wanted to spare him after that so i limit the times i wil cry in front of him. We are going to go to family counseling, I just have to figure out where.i don't know when i am going to be ready to date again but i am ready to stopp living in constant pain and i am going to try not to feel guilty about that because kurt would not have wanted me to sufferthe rest of my life he alwasys liked that i made him laugh and that i laughed with him

and that i enjoyed life. I dont think he would want me to stay this way. Not that it wont be a long way out and i know i willbe making many trips back to the land of insane pain but i ready to start.

Debbie---Give your friend some time and then tellhim how you feel about losing his friendship. If he doesn't respond to that then at least YOU were honest with him. I don't know how bad this information about him was but you may want to assess if it is worth you friendship. He amy have just had his feeling hurt when you asked him about it. I really can't say much since i dont know the whole situation. Just this, It is ok to feel happy and it is ok to like being happy. We weren't meant to live in this abyss forever.

I hear people say "she is really doing good after only 5 months. Almost like she's gotten over kurt."

OK WELL

1 ONLY five months is that really all it's been 'cause it feels like a lifetime since i saw or held or talked to him

2 only five months i've lived a lifetime of hell in those months full of intense pain

3 and this should really be #1 I will NEVER get over kurt. I will miss him every day. Everyday is areminder of all the dreams and plans we had and how i will never get to do them with him.

4 Any one who thinks i should or have gotten over him can go to hell

i will never be able to date anybody without something reminding me of kurt and that is alot to carry with you forever

So in 5 months if the pain has gotten a little softer to carry and a little easier to live with then that is because the love i received from kurt is carrying me and and helping me heal. That is his gift to me unending love that also allows to love and live without constant pain. I hope I said this right and this doesn't sound like a rambling mess and I hope you know what i mean.

NOlena--HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!!

>Your inlaws are no longer related to you(unless you like them)

>When sales men or bill collectors call and Say "may i speak to..." you can say gee no he died and listento the stammer and try to get off the line (this actually made me feel better to send the bill collectors into a nervous stutter)

>you can sleep all day and nobody will tell you your being lazy

> you can watch the house pile up and not give a rats ass

ok thats all igot for now i'll have tothink af more but i will warn you i have always had a dark humor and now it's a little worse.

nite all and thanks for you support and hugs.

becky

[airymoon]

oh ithough of more

It's easier to get out of a speeding ticket

i get all the beer to myself

i have two dressers

i can girly up my bedroom with no complaints

no cold feet in the middle of the night on my back

Mishknit--I am so happy you had a good time. I think he will call. He probably is just giving you some time to recover from the shock. Keep us informed girl.

Justamom-- Good for you. I like hockey too but not to the extreme. Youre right about the Who knows if nothing else you will have a special friend and at least you have gotten you toes wet.

I know i say it a lot but thank you ladies for being here. I don't know what i would have done without you all.

Rhonda thank you your post was inspiring and thats the first itme ive heard that God takes your loved one to keep you closer to him .Makes some sense out of some situations. You have an amazing amount of strength i admire you for it. I would never have been able to say that at almost three weeks.

Brandi--Congrats on taking that step to go back! i know its hard but you are strong. Go to the game. It will be hard but i guarantee if you leave yourself open to it you will feel Darrens love there with everyone and you.

[rodless]

Michele, please please tell us who the well known author is. I'm a librarian and I like to know that stuff. Should you call him??

Lisa, I'm glad you found a friend. Debbie, Hang in there. If he's really a good friend, he will come around and make you laugh again. Whatever is meant to be will happen.

I am fending off calls from the guy who asked me out... he just doesn't seem to get it that I'm not ready to even go "do something." I will never be interested in him in a million years even when I am ready to think about dating and I hate to have to tell him point blank that he has no appeal. ICK!

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Pertaining to the inlaws are no longer related to you which I think is the biggest and best benefit...

don't have to buy so many Christmas gifts

don't have to cook a big holiday meal

don't have to pretend to enjoy having so much company

don't have to watch the kids tear up the house

don't have to bite my tongue so many times

etc. etc. etc.......

I don't miss my former adult stepchildren. Can you tell?

[rodless]

I promise this will be the last post for awhile, but I was rereading other's messages and this leaped off the page and hit me in the head...

"So in 5 months if the pain has gotten a little softer to carry and a little easier to live with then that is because the love i received from kurt is carrying me and and helping me heal. That is his gift to me unending love that also allows to love and live without constant pain."

I hit the 5 month mark next week. Thank you, Becky!! It says what I am trying so hard to feel. Mary Jo

[missinmyhubby]

I have so much to say to all the posts, but I just can not let myself tonight. I have to fly in the morning, and I love being on here writing books for hours!!!! I will be back on soon, but I have two things to write really quick!!!

1) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

2) Thank you for the laughs....oh how I chuckled!!!!

NO MORE WWF WRESTLING

AND NO MORE SNORING!!!! (All though now, I am paying for this one, my new Mark snores louder than anyone I have EVER known...payback time for thinking I was done with the snores....lol)

God Bless You All!!!!

Angel

[mishknit]

god...there are a lot of messages on here...thank god! Everyone a good one, and every one speaking to me in some way...such a b;essing for all of us.

i love this no more stuff....and i fully intend to think about it and come up with some good stuff...snoring and wwf work for me too.

the only problem is that, with all the things i can come up with...i wish i had every single one back..as do all of you, i'm sure. BUT....not having them in reality is not bad!

Mary Jo... a librarian, eh? Ok..hints only.

writes about dark topics, and seems a bit dark himself..which is why, altho I'd go out with him and am interested in him...i'm not INTERESTEDin him. My husbnd was a comedy writer... s0 there you go.

Crime writer. maybe more hints, but don't guess with his name, ok? You just may figure it out! LOL!!

nite all...i have to get up early for a "tea" at one of the schools i hope i can get my son into..grades or not!

Michele

[jlizzy]

Laura,

You are so right. This Christmas is the 3rd one for me without my Bob and for

some reason its harder than the first two. What I have noticed is that this

year, the Christmas music is on all day and night. I dont ever remember the

radio stations playing so much Christmas music so soon after Thanksgiving.

I havent been on for quite awhile. I am trying so hard to heal myself, to

cope with Bobs passing. I have been working on mine/bobs genealogy for

our grandchildren. I want them to know where they came from.

I have 6 families that I am working on right now. quite a task and very

interesting.

Well got to go to my chiropractor.

Good to see you still here. I think of you quite often.

Joyce

[mishknit]

joyce...

you made me laugh. I have this picture of you hunched over your genealogy charts, doing all that work, and then HAVING to go to the chiroprator because of it...to straighten you back up.

I know, it's silly, but it made me laugh anyway..alwyas good

michele