I Miss Him So...

[logan12890]

susan,

the book One More Day...i was with his mother just talkign about the good times with her about 2 weeks after his death and we walked into star buck and that book sat right infront of us...i could see his mother getting upset...the boy in the book sounded very much like vic always having to choose, and getting lost in drinking...i have thought about the book but i dont know if i am ready for that...his mother its finally hitting her, that was her only son...she surronded her life with him, and i just dont know how she is getting passed it...after vic (son) and his father got into a fight, a really bad fight with hitting and everything his father left to his daughters house where everyone was staying and his mother knew something wasnt right so she went to check on him, all the doors were locked and his bed room light was on...she thought he was drunk and just passed out...i cant imagine if she got in the house and found her son dead...all me and cathhy(mother) do is repeat "what if" that is all that goes through my head what if i called him, what if he did seee me? would it all be different? ahh i do want that one more day, a day that we can just lay in bed and he can hold me...kiss him one more time, see him smile at me one more time...since his death i started smoking, funny thing to his brand.. i wear the cologne he wore..i like to smell like him...i see his mother saturday and she is going to start giving some of his things away like his shirts and shorts..i am excited i only have a few things that he gave me but they are starting to wear out.... for two weeks straight i wore his t-shirt..i couldnt seem to take it off..i also cant seem to change the blanket on my bed because the last time i show him he was laying on it with me...i just dont want to change anything, leave it the way it was when he left..

[justamom]

Logan, I am glad that you are getting a few more of his things. It will be a year for me in Jan. and I still have all of my husbands clothes, shoes, toothbrush etc. I have his shoes that he had on the night before sitting on our fireplece hearth. It is somehow comforting although i have made the mental transistion to the fact that he isn't coming back. For me, it really was accepting that fact in my head. I have felt more grounded since then.

I did read the book one more day. It was a good place to start thinking about my husband and his last day. Fortunately for me his last day was nearly a perfect one. We had an absolutly great last day together.

I went on my first date with hockey boy on Saturday night - It was really fun.(I also had to have my husbands dog put to sleep so i totally needed some fun) He just took me to dinner and we talked. The food was great and he brought me flowers, that my boys thought was really funny. I don't know i it will be abnything or not but it was really nice to not be in my head about myself for a while. He is really cute and he has a Harley Too!

I also got my nose pierced yesterday and have sent my mother and my sister completly off of the deep end. They are both so pissed at me they can't hardly talk to me. My sister questioned my self esteem, my decision making ability and my sanity. I swear you guys it is the tiniest cutest little diamond in my nose. You would have thought that I peirced it with a bullet with the reaction that I have gotten. 36 year old widow, mother of 2 and I am still getting bullied by my mom and my sister! It really blows my mind.

Hope you all have some peace today. Take Care, Lisa

[mishknit]

Lisa...

i have not read past your note...omg1 a pierced nose! LOLLOLOL! I am loving it! sounds like rebellio to me1 I am planning a tatoo....have been since tom died...plan on doing it at the one year now....just having a hard time deciding exactly what i want. But I've always wanted a tatoo..and tom hated them! So.....i guess it's my little way of starting anew, and i'm, sure my decsion will be questioned, but who gives a rat's ass anyway.

And a harley...cuter by the second!

bTW...i am noticably older than you....but , so what! It's a new life, tho I'd give anything to haave the old one back!

michele

[justamom]

Hi Michele, The Tattoo is next! My therapist is going to go with me to get it when I "graduate" from therapy - you know when I am all "fixed"! I definitely think that it is a symbol of the new me. I am moving on. Slowly but surely - Sometimes not so surely Ha Ha. A Harley AND a great JOB! 2, 2, 2, great characteristics in a man in my opinion. I would give anything to have my life back too - but since I can't I am going to make the best of the rest of this one! I don't think that you are that much older than me either. A cute little nose diamond looks good no matter what your age. It really didn't hurt either.Take Care, Lis

[manda14]

I love that you are getting tattoos and piercings..that really shows that you are independant and much stronger than you might think. I got a tattoo a couple of months after Mark passed. He and I both had one tattoo and were talking about getting a second together. He always wanted the chinese symbol for Loyalty ( He was Chinese) so I decided to get " Love,Loyalty & Faithful" in chinese characters. It's on my shoulder so I don't see it often, but when I do I always remember him and remember how much we both loved eachother and how much those 3 words really do mean to me. A friend of his came with me and he got the chinese character for "Brother" on his arm. It was a really amazing experience to have something so meaningfull stuck to you for the rest of your life......I'd definitly suggest it to anyone.

Amanda

[rodless]

And I thought I was being wild trading in a van and car on a stylin' little Jeep SUV!! Love the stories that tell us progress is being made even if it's slow while we look back over our shoulders. Nothing can bring them back or we would've already done it..... so might as well go on as best we can. Hockey guy and a nose diamond sound like a great way to start. Good for you, Lisa!... and now I'm waiting for Michele's tattoo. Mary Jo

[airymoon]

ok Lisa i was just going to read but i HAD to write when i read about your nose piercing. I say you go girl. It is not about self esteem for me (I want a belly ring) it is about breaking away from where i am now and shaking things up. Doing something that is out of character from what people think i am like. Not sure why I want that but maybe because I am different inside now and I want something to look different on the outside and yes there is the shock value, that's always fun.Good luck with the hockey boy at least you had fun and I totally understand the getting outside of your head for a while. Have any of you read the book "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" also by Mitch Albon? I read it almost three years ago and i revisited it after kurt died It was really comforting to me and his idea of heaven made so much sense I'm going to get the other book i think.

Michele-Yes-rebellion that is the thing it is but there is more to it. Go for the tattoo but beware they can be addicting. I keep thinking "Oh that wouald be a cool tattoo" and then i try ot figure out where i'd put it. If you have ideas but aren't sure what it is exactly that you want then just have the tattoo place draw a couple ideas up and live with the drawings for a while to see if you like then or get sick of them. Maybe they would even make you a stencil that you can try out for a while. When i got mine I just thought about what i wanted told them and jumped in wiht both feet. funny usually i think everything out to the last detail and with these i didn't and no regrets.

Amanda- I have three tattoos all represent my husband or my family. I love them I do have them where i can cover them because there ar places that it is just mot appropriate to display them. Kurt and i wanted to each get a half tattoo so that when we held hands or laid next ot each other it wold be complete. We never got the chance but i do have my name that he designed on my foot he was going to put it on his arm but died before our anniversary so i put it where i can see it every day. I want my ole life back too but i know i can't have it so i will just have to try to make this one as good as it can be as it is. As far as one more day.....I would love to hold him and see him and hear his voice for just one more day but it is a scary though to me. The pain that would be there when that day was over and would one day be enough I would want one more, then one more, etc...In the end i think i would rather have the pain of losing him again but the wanting more days would be hard. How would we decide what to do with our one day would i share him with others or keep him tomyself and the kids. I think i would have to keep him with us and the others could just wait for their day. I think i would just lie in bed and hold him and only let him go when he wanted to see the kids or have us allin there together. That would be great.

Ok ladies I am not Brave enough to pierce my nose. But Please please let me know about the tattoo,s. BTW I would grab hockey boy just for the Harley but thats just me

Becky

[nolena]

You go, girls!

I will never get a tattoo because of supervising so many inmates in my career. (Lousy tattoos)

But go.

Get wild.

Have fun.

Life is to be lived.

[mishknit]

I love the positive responses!

my tatoo will be very hiden..i have to say that. One reason being because I've told my 14 year old he can't do it till he's 18...but then...who's the adulty here!!!!!! It will be small and in a "not usually seen place"...i thought perhaps by my shoulder...we'll see. and I don't think i'll be the addictive type, but who knows?

Lisa....older, yes...Ok..I am 53. i hate to sqy it because i look much younger (decent genes), and my 14 year old sure keeps me young. i was going to get a tatoo at 50....but then chickened out because i knew that tom hated them....but now....what the heck. It will be my little secret..LOL

meanwhile.....

lisa...i just had a mammo yesterday and the call came today for "more pictures and an ultrasound".....I know you just went thru this......I'm trying to stay calm, actually, i am staying calm, and trusting that all is ok, and it's just some glitch. No history in my family of any cancers, so....

but, my first thought went to my son, of course..and that was scary. anyway..will make an appt. asap, and am sure all will be well.

michele

[rodless]

Gosh, Michele, you're almost as old as I am... I would not have thought it. I had the mammogram call last December and went through lots of extra shots, ultrasounds and a needle guided biopsy so I know what you're going through. Really scary for me because my mom had breast cancer. She's a 10 yr. survivor after very rigorous chemo. We will pray that you will be fine... precaution is a good thing! Let us know.

On the subject of Mitch Albon's books. I liked 5 People You Meet in Heaven a lot. Watched the movie with Rod which took into a deep discussion that needed to be done. I did not care for One More Day.

Hope all are having a good week. 4 degrees tonight with snow flurries. It's beginning to look a lot like you know what. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Michele - 53 is not old - just for the record. One of my very best friends is 52 and she is the trendiest most pop cultured mom that I know. It is all about your spirit. The Mammogram is scary as sh*t. I have to go back for a recheck in 6 months but I really feel like it will be ok. I think you will be too and I will send you all of my positive vibes and energy! The single parent aspect of it is definitely the scariest part. I will keep you in my prayers too. How is your kiddos Wrist? That lovely little football injury of his! I am having my Tattoo put on my shoulder too. I think we can see it when we want to but cover it up when we need to.

MaryJo stay warm! I also read 5 people you meet in heaven and I did prefer it as well. It was very thought provoking. I am all about trying to figure out what happens when we leave here and move on. I hope it is as great as I imagine it.

Becky, The Nose piercing really didn't hurt at all! I am not kidding. I really was afraid and then it was nothing. My eye watered and that was it. I did forget today and wiped my nose and hooked the kleenex on it and for a moment I thought I might lose consciouness but it passed pretty quickly! I am all about the Harley too! I can't wait for the weather to get warm he has promised to take me up to the mountains on it. It is really nice to have something to look forward to.

I am really struggling with the Christmas thing - I can not make myself decorate. My boys totally want me to. My house is also under construction which was not very smart on my part. I wonder if subconsciously I did it on purpose? My brain is still not a very friendly place. I go to court tomorrow with the guy who had the party. Pray that I don't smack him girls!

Talk to you all soon. Lis

[mishknit]

i know 53 isn't old...one of my best friends is 77...she's almost as young as me (if she could hear better, she'd be younger!). i've never looked at my age as a problem...and usually, when i say how old i am people are surprised..not becauseof looks, but i think, because of attitude and being hip to what's going on in life. I'm, interested in things...that's what keeps you young.

Thanks for the support ladies...I'm really not that worried....but the idea of my boy just scared me..this is defintilyy not something i need right now, during the holidays and coming up on a year. UGH!!!

Meanwhile, mary Jo...did you forget to try and decipher my author who asked me out (well..kinda...i haven't heard from him, so..I probably put him of when i went from 53 to 14 in a split second..LOL)

tty all soon..i'll keep you posted!

THANKS, MICHELE

[catwoman32]

Hi everyone, it is coming up on my one month anniversary of losing my husband to murder. I just have a few questions if any of you can help me with. We are legally married, he had no will. No realestate. All he had was a truck that is mortgaged, one that is paid for, a motorcycle that is mortgaged. He had some credit cards in his name that have balances. All this stuff was in his name only. Everything was even done before we were married. Now that I am is heir to his personal property, am I going to be held liable for the credit card debt? The house is mine and is in my name only. I bought it before we married. I do drive the vehicles in his name though. All of his personal property does not amount to much. I worry about creditors trying to get me to pay for these debts. Any ideas? Thanks Rhonda

[airymoon]

Rhonda-- I am not sure about the state laws in your state. When my husband died i did not open an estate. He has one credit card in his name only and they contacted me for payment. I told them I didn't think i was respaonsible for the bills that were only in his name and they haven't contacted me since. My sisters husband died 10 years ago and the lawyers told her not to worry about his bills. She wasn't respoonsible for them. I would contact a lawyer and ask afew questions to be sure.

Becky

[medic48sgirl]

I found a very beautiful song that I thought you all might enjoy. Here is a link to it: http://www.spiritlyric.com/song.html

[catwoman32]

Becky, thanks for your help. I believe you are right and it would be the same here in Oklahoma as far as the law goes for his bills. I have recently started reading a lot about "afterlife" it has really helped me to understand many things. Visit Afterlife101 for lots of information. Here we are at another weekend, going to be rough for a lot of us. We will get through it though. I have recently had quite a few men trying to get hooked up with me since my situation happened. I have to tell you girls, I think I would rather be alone then to have all these dogs breathing down my neck. Most are after one thing and or money. When I feel lonely and sad, I think about these guys that are so desperate that they have to hit on a newly widowed woman and suddenly I don't feel so bad. I will need lots of time to heal, I guess they don't think anything about that. I am not going to get in any big hurry at all. I am taking one day at a time and letting whatever happens happen. It will be hard to ever come close to replacing Duane. He will forever be the one for me in my heart. Have a great weekend, Rhonda

[lauraa]

Catwoman:

Be very careful because these guys are wolves dress in sheeps costumes. You are right in that they are after one of two things or both. I have had many handymen doing work at my house and even they have a line and always try to screw me for more money....they all think we can't see thru their bullsh*t? I am totally not into the headache of even thinking of taking on any relationship and all the baggage that comes along with it. I have to much baggage myself for now. I feel we have to get thru our grieving before we could manage it...although, I know our loss will always be with us. I know your plate must be full with all the legal stuff on top of you terrible loss. Stay strong in your fight but know you need to take care of yourself the best you can. (((HUGS)))

[aprilmoonflower]

catwomen- call a probate lawyer for advice (mine charges about $190 per hour, but you don't have to pay a retainer). My DH had a considerable amount of CC debt. it actually went to arbitration, but he had already died (sherriff came to my home to serve HIM papers even) I think they thought I was joking when I said "He died." then they realized and were very apologetic. long story short his debt was erased! there's nothing they can do if the debt is in HIS name. they can't arbitrate a dead person (My lawyers exact words)They can't come after me at all as my name was never on his CC's and he had them before we married. They could try to put a lein on some investment property we have or our house (All in his name only) but they would have to spend a fortune to do it. my lawyer said they likely won't. and it got dropped anyhow! also regarding the vehicles. you can get a non probate affidavit from your DMV. (I printed my offline) file that, and they will give you a new registration in your name. just bring his death certificate & your marriage certificate. (thoug my DMV didn't even look at either!) it's really easy. I think any personal property under $50,000 (minus real estate) becomes yours automatically (without probate) anyway HTH!

[logan12890]

hey everyone!!

i told you guys how i would be spending the day with Vics (the love of my life) mother sister and daughter...i am extremely confused becuase as it has been said vic killed himself...me and his mother were talking tonight..vic had a lot of people that loved him but had enemies...i dont believe vic commited suicide because he always said that killing yourself is a slap in gods face..and i havent gotten over the fact that he had done it...his mother and i were thinking maybe he didnt do it to himself..maybe vic was murder...does that sound crazy??? they said that when they found him only one closet door was practically torn into pieces...why would he break one? why not two? i know that if i was pissed as much as he was i would of broken two...i know him..we were thinking maybe the door was broken because he was fighting with someone and they slammed him into or he slammed them into the closet...he was shot in the head, and when his mother looked at him in the hospital before taking him to the funeral home to clean him up...his head was perfectly fine his face was in contact...that it could of been on the far side of his head or the back...he was drunk almost ready to black out how does someone who is about to black out just kill himself...and and he was on the phone calling someone that night...it could be so possible that he didnt kill himself but he could of..there are alot of facts missing..she has been calling the detective but he hasnt called her back and everyone that she has talked to that knows or had seen him that night are all giving bull crap of stories...i dont know maybe i am going crazy..maybe i dont want to believe he did...i just know him, and i cant imagine him doing such of the sort....what do you think?? do you think that maybe i am just going crazy??

logan

[aprilmoonflower]

logan- I think grief makes us think all kinds of crazy things. it's the only thing we really CAN do, yk? I think if you have any doubts calling the detective was a good idea..but you also can't try to change what happened either. is the investigation open or closed do you know? have you seen the autopsy report? anyway I am glad you can find some peace (it sound like?) among the other women in his family who loved him. sounds like it is a bit healing? hoping you find some peace. I was wondering where you had been!

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

This is the 3rd day in a row that I have come here and tried to post. I will do it this time.

On Thursday this week, the 14th, it will be the one year anniversary of when Curtis passed away. I don't know where the time went. I keep telling people at work that he "just passed away". Then I have to stop and remember it has been 12 months this week.

My thoughts for surviving a year. I was in shock and denial for a few months. Even though I put our house up for sale after only 2 months. I did not have any income and I needed money to pay the bills.

I could have gone looking for work. There really was not any reason why I didn't except for the fact that I was all alone and could not make decisions.

Since I have 5 sisters who live in my old home town, they all wanted me to move here. Easier said than done. I looked at about 6 different houses before I found the one I bought. It is about half the size of the house we had before and I had to get rid of a lot of things. But I have settled in. I still have boxes to go through of his things.

For 4 months, May, June, July and part of August, I just got used to being here and doing whatever I wanted. Then I started working part-time. It was good for me. I worked 5 hours a day, 4 days a week. Usually had a 3 day weekend. Then in October I started working full time. The time goes a lot faster.

I had my husband moved here from the cememtery where we used to live. I know how unusual that sounds but it has brought me so far. I can and do go to the cemetery often. They even had lights out there in the warmer months.

My life is so different now but I keep wanting my old life and Curtis back. I want to be loved and taken care of again. But I don't want just anyone. If I fall in love again, he will have to be very special.

I do have 2 friends of his that call and check up on me. That has helped. As many of you know, a lot of the friends we had as couples don't call. I don't hear from his family either. I guess after 36 years in their family, I am just nothing. I thought I would still be an Aunt to their kids but I guess not.

Sorry if it sounds depressing. I just wanted to write and express some thoughts over a years time. Things that were on my mind. Thanks for listening.

Debbie.........Missing Curtis all the time................

[catwoman32]

Hi Debbie, I know exactly how you feel. It was exactly one month for me yesterday that Duane was killed. I miss him so much. He touched so many lives Some days, I feel ok and that I know that he is in a better place, but can't help but feel selfish for wanting him here with me and our lives back. My life feels so topsy turvey some days. Today I have done nothing but want to cry. I still have problems socializing with people. I have nearly shut myself out from the world. I wish that I could have had my husband closer to me in a cemetery that I could visit everyday, but I opted to have him buried where his mom and dad live and where everyone knows him. It is an hour and a half drive to get there. It does not sound crazy at all to have had him moved. His mom visits him sometimes 2-3 times a day. I really feel for them. I feel the same way you do about finding someone else. I don't think I could ever find someone who could measure up to him, so that will be hard for me. I don't feel I could love anyone else and the thought of being with someone else just disgusts me. I get tired of hearing that you are still young and you are too young to be a widow. I guess no one can really understand what we feel until they do experience it if they ever do. I am glad that I am not alone in this though. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. God Bless You All. Rhonda

[aprilmoonflower]

My baby girl is 16 months old today! in 2 weeks it will be 16 months since DH died. she is a month younger than my son was when my DH died as well.I have suddenly realized that I am so sick and tired of measuring my life by the length of time he died! I hate it! I am working on that though..trying to move forward and all that (Just sometimes I feel so stuck!)

catwoman- you shouldn't feel the need to have to socialize AT ALL if you don't want to. Most people will understand if you just tell them "Sorry, not up for it!"! I know it sounds kind of mean and all but I really truly believe you need to take care of yourself while mourning. it's really important.

Debbie- I will be thinking of you this week. I know how hard the dread and anticipation of that day can be. and for me it was seriously worse than the day itself! Do something that brings you peace and remember the good times you had together. ((Hugs))

[missinmyhubby]

I have been reading and reading all the posts. The house hunting has slowed down a bit. We are concentrating on the holiday at hand...a little relief.

I have not been responding....However, something new is happening. In three and a half years I have never been mad at him for leaving. I thought I was being rational about it all. I figured I was not going to go through this part...I knew that everyone does this grief journey different then the next person, and that for me anger was something that I just wasn't going to experience. I have just thought all along that "how can I be mad at him for dying of a genetically bad heart?" "How unfair would that be?" "He was eventually going to pass way before his time." I had thought that even though he smoked like a train, ate a very unhealthy diet, and tons of salt, that everyone has a right to go out the way they choose fit. If he did eat healthier, smoked less, put the salt down more often, that he would be here longer, but how long nobody knew, so why not let him do his thing and be happy during the time that he did have left.

All those feelings are turning upside down...For the first time I am angry. I am not sure what to do with these new emotions.

Done for tonight...not feeling up to writing too much.

Thoughts and hugs to everyone.

Angel

[lauraa]

Missingmyhubby:

I hope you got thru Thanksgiving in one piece as I know you were worried about it. These stages of grieving are so difficult because we just don't know when they are going to hit us. We can anticipate birthdays and anniversaries but it is all the everyday stuff in between.

My therapist reminded me a couple weeks ago that loosing a spouse in a wonderful marriage was at the top of the list as far as stress goes. There are many levels to that list, like divore, having a baby, loss of a job, death in a family, etc. but what we all have gone thru is #1. It help to validate my feeling and the debth of what I feel. She also told me statisticly people who were in a good marriage are more likely to remarry later on. Your living proof of that but I am sure it comes with many more stressors. I also know the anger part of grieving is difficult and I push it down. I am presently in the depression stage and I don't like that much either. It all sucks! I never thought I would be in this situation. Thought we would grow old together. I also realize that it is not our plan.

I hope everyone is getting thru this month in one piece. You all in my thoughts!

[bsnurse76]

Today has been difficult and I am not sure why. I have felt so many emotions today (anxiety, hurt, anger, etc). I can't figure out what triggers these kinds of days. I miss having someone to come home to. I feel that all my life plans are gone (marriage, children). I don't have much to look forward to. Everyone keeps telling me I have a new job I will start in the summer and finally be making an income again. I don't look forward to it since I have no one to share it with. I don't know if this is some sort of punishment for something I did in the past. I just miss Darren so much. I just want this to get easier to deal with. I hate not having control of this situation (my feelings). I am trying to stay positive. This site helps me alot. Thanks for everything. Brandi

[rodless]

I think this season brings out the worst stress of the year for many people. Time is short, money is short so tmepers are short. Ho! Ho! Ho! I work with the public. Can you tell?? I identify with aprilmoon flower's comment on being tired of "measuring life by the length of time since he died." I really think anticipation of a special date is worse than the day itself. Dec 7 was my 5 month mark but the day was fine. However, Rod was on my mind constantly today for whatever reason - sometimes in a peaceful way, sometimes in a painful one. Why we feel what we feel is anyone's guess, but it's all OK!! Mary Jo

[nancy55]

This has been a very hard holiday season for me, as I don't know why. My husband has been gone 17 months. I am realizing the first year you are in shock, and the second year..reality does hit you. He is gone..forever and is not coming back. There is nothing i can do to change things. But, yet my heart still has a hole in it that will never mend. This year more than last, I don't want to celebrate or acknowledge the holidays. I want them to just slide by. I don't feel any happiness to celebrate. But, somehow i have to put on a happy face for my family. I feel the holidays just take too much energy...none of which I have right now. I don't know if depression is just now setting in, or if I am finally facing the finality of all this.

I wish all of you out there who are hurtin, some peace and comfort. My prayers are with you.

Love

Nancy

[mishknit]

ladies..

i am so with all of you. this is my first christmas, and it is so hard! There are dys, tho, when i'm fine..it's odd. i just try and get everything i can done on those days..so if i get hit hard another day, i'm ok. For me, the anticipation has always been worse than the day, but this is a SEASON...starting at halloween, and it has been brutal. And, for me, once it's over...then I have jan 21 to look forward to, the 1 year mark of tom's death.

I am trying so hard to take it all a day at a time....it's just hard. this time is stressfyl enough, without all of this..altho, I have been trying to keep it as stress free as possible. I have accepted invitations, all with the caveat.."If I can make it..." My friends are very understanding, and i'm grateful. I just realized i offered to bring something to one place on christmas day....oh well...i'll bring it early, and if i make it, great, if not, they still have my offering!

I have a 14 year old son who i adore, but thata does make it harder, because if i want to saty in bed..i can't. on the other hand, we have a pact...wherever we go this season, if either of us wants to bail, or leave early...we go. no questions or whining from either of us. It's a good plan, I think...it frees us, knowing it's ok to feel what we feel.

Anyway...we'll all make it through,i know that. this is one strong group of women.

peace,

michele

[shakira1975]

Hi all,

I have been reading post. No doubt getting a lot of strength from what we have all had to go through.

I am sad on the weekends because they have become utterly useless and void. They used to mean so much and all that has gone. I have sat at home for the last two weekends and watched so much tv until I had a sore back. And then this Saturday I cried so much. I just paused a thought and realised that I hate this new life that I have. Its not me and I miss my old life. I drank half a bottle of wine in an attempt to feel better.

I am angry and hurt. I still cannot relate to all this and what meaning it is supposed to create in my life.

The holidays are coming and I know where I want to be. I will be home, alone. I cannot try and celebrate with others because there is nothing to celebrate in this life. i think I feel a lot better if I made myself as comfortable as I can at home.

Oh Debbie, I feel for you. I felt sick thinking about how I have been cast out by his family after having known them for 4 years. I can only imagine how you feel after over 30 years. Its amazing how they move on and seem to forget what was there before. What is wrong with these people? But, I always try and remember that he was the only one that mattered to me. People will be people. But never change the person that you are because of them. It hurts me because I am a sensitive person and highly emotional. I cant act like it doesn’t bother me because it does.

Angel, the anger is normal I think. I know I have been mad at him for just leaving. But I think I have realised that if he had had a choice, he would be here with me right now.

Question – I have been cut out of his life and his family have taken over everything. His sister called me yesterday and she wants pictures and videos. I would give them, because that’s just me. Ever nice and ever getting walked over. She didn’t ask in a nice way either, she said ‘we are trying to put something together’.SOMETHING! whatever that is. I really don’t want to jump at her request like I always do. This time, I will hang one to the one thing they are after that they don’t have. She has never called me to ask how I am. She has only called me to ask for one thing or the other and she gets straight to the point. I will take my time this time. Im sure the worst about me has been said so I have no more fears. What do you all think.

[shakira1975]

Hi all,

I have been reading post. No doubt getting a lot of strength from what we have all had to go through.

I am sad on the weekends because they have become utterly useless and void. They used to mean so much and all that has gone. I have sat at home for the last two weekends and watched so much tv until I had a sore back. And then this Saturday I cried so much. I just paused a thought and realised that I hate this new life that I have. Its not me and I miss my old life. I drank half a bottle of wine in an attempt to feel better.

I am angry and hurt. I still cannot relate to all this and what meaning it is supposed to create in my life.

The holidays are coming and I know where I want to be. I will be home, alone. I cannot try and celebrate with others because there is nothing to celebrate in this life. i think I feel a lot better if I made myself as comfortable as I can at home.

Oh Debbie, I feel for you. I felt sick thinking about how I have been cast out by his family after having known them for 4 years. I can only imagine how you feel after over 30 years. Its amazing how they move on and seem to forget what was there before. What is wrong with these people? But, I always try and remember that he was the only one that mattered to me. People will be people. But never change the person that you are because of them. It hurts me because I am a sensitive person and highly emotional. I cant act like it doesn’t bother me because it does.

Angel, the anger is normal I think. I know I have been mad at him for just leaving. But I think I have realised that if he had had a choice, he would be here with me right now.

Question – I have been cut out of his life and his family have taken over everything. His sister called me yesterday and she wants pictures and videos. I would give them, because that’s just me. Ever nice and ever getting walked over. She didn’t ask in a nice way either, she said ‘we are trying to put something together’.SOMETHING! whatever that is. I really don’t want to jump at her request like I always do. This time, I will hang one to the one thing they are after that they don’t have. She has never called me to ask how I am. She has only called me to ask for one thing or the other and she gets straight to the point. I will take my time this time. Im sure the worst about me has been said so I have no more fears. What do you all think.

[shakira1975]

Hi all,

I have been reading post. No doubt getting a lot of strength from what we have all had to go through.

I am sad on the weekends because they have become utterly useless and void. They used to mean so much and all that has gone. I have sat at home for the last two weekends and watched so much tv until I had a sore back. And then this Saturday I cried so much. I just paused a thought and realised that I hate this new life that I have. Its not me and I miss my old life. I drank half a bottle of wine in an attempt to feel better.

I am angry and hurt. I still cannot relate to all this and what meaning it is supposed to create in my life.

The holidays are coming and I know where I want to be. I will be home, alone. I cannot try and celebrate with others because there is nothing to celebrate in this life. i think I feel a lot better if I made myself as comfortable as I can at home.

Oh Debbie, I feel for you. I felt sick thinking about how I have been cast out by his family after having known them for 4 years. I can only imagine how you feel after over 30 years. Its amazing how they move on and seem to forget what was there before. What is wrong with these people? But, I always try and remember that he was the only one that mattered to me. People will be people. But never change the person that you are because of them. It hurts me because I am a sensitive person and highly emotional. I cant act like it doesn’t bother me because it does.

Angel, the anger is normal I think. I know I have been mad at him for just leaving. But I think I have realised that if he had had a choice, he would be here with me right now.

Question – I have been cut out of his life and his family have taken over everything. His sister called me yesterday and she wants pictures and videos. I would give them, because that’s just me. Ever nice and ever getting walked over. She didn’t ask in a nice way either, she said ‘we are trying to put something together’.SOMETHING! whatever that is. I really don’t want to jump at her request like I always do. This time, I will hang one to the one thing they are after that they don’t have. She has never called me to ask how I am. She has only called me to ask for one thing or the other and she gets straight to the point. I will take my time this time. Im sure the worst about me has been said so I have no more fears. What do you all think.

[lauraa]

The first year we are numb.The second year that wears off and we start to feel the debts of it all. The third year for me depression has set in. Everyone is gone and I lost half of myself. Even my kids don't realize the debth of what I feel and have lost. I feel alone in this world inside my heart. I go thru the motions just to get thru the day.

One day/one minute at a time ladies.

[susanbruce]

I just wanted to say before I go off to work - I love my Bruce and I always will. They'll never be anyone else in my life. I consider myself still married to the man of my dreams. When I go to Heaven and we're reunited, I want him to know that I was faithful to his memory.

I know to many of you that sounds absolutely crazy. That's ok. We're all different. This is just how I feel and how I plan to live the rest of my life.

Have the best day you can. Susan

[aprilmoonflower]

I know everyone is dreading the holidays, the anniversary's,etc. I know how hard it is. You all just have to remember we have ALREADY been through the worst of it. losing our men. yes things can get worse but they likely won't for too long. hang in there ladies!!!!!!!!

For me I have cut contact with certain members of DH family. the ways they have hurt me since he died is too many. I will do whatever I have to, to protect my kids. They accused me of all kinds of things, when really they are the ones acting rude and inconsiderate! good riddance! I will never have anything to do with them again (This is DH sister and father). his father still runs a corporation under my dead husband's name. while he is making $$, we have to struggle every month living off SSA! Not that I want any of his dirty money but it seems unfair to my children and mos of all to my husband! my DH sis also told me I was the reason he is dead after spending months acting like my best friend. I now really feel FIL put her up to it. I am at a loss and can't beleive these people are DH family! (All this happened in march and JUly and I am still shocked!)it's definitly drama I can live without and I glad I realized it sooner than later. I am just really mad at myself for letting myself be so used and treated like crap over and over! there is so much to the story anyway, sorry if it's not making sense! I feel your pain & annoyance though! lol.

[mishknit]

Shakira...

DO NOT let go of your pics and videos.....the hell with them! if you want to be nice and have some pics copied, ok, but those videos area gift to have...do not let them have them, because you know you won't get them back. sorry for being so adament..but your situation stinks, and they are not going to change...don't let them take anythuing of yours!

my opinion!

Michele

[airymoon]

Shakira-- hold on to the pistures for as long as you need. and if they keep bugging you agree to make copies. If they want the originals then too bad they don't have to have anything. I don't hear from my husbands family either. I think it may be a blessing in disguise because i realized at his funeral that they no longer knew him. I keep one thing in mind I don't owe them anything. I only owe myself and my kids and my husbands memory.

Rodless--I understand the stress of the holidays. I never really felt it before but this year I do. I haven't got any shopping done and we just decorated the tree yesterday. The only one who wanted the tree was my daughter. My sons and i didn't want to put it up this year but she is only 8 and it was important to her. I also know my husband would want it up. It soes take a lot for me to not knock it over and kick down the decorations in others yards though.

OK-- I thought I had an OK handle on this thing and then today i ran into an old friend that was in my husband and my circle of friends. She told me she had seen me getting into a friends car and that he looked good she hadn't seen him in a few years.I told her he was helping me find mp3 players for my kids and that after kurt died he had went into the hospital with a rapid heart rate.She said "after kurt what" I said after he died she said WHAT and i realized she didn't know so i hugged her and said Kel, kurt died 6 months ago.I felt so bad because she didn't know and i just said it like i didn't care. I've had 6 months to say it a hundred times a day but she just heard it and I knew i shocked her.Then on the way home i was thinking how could she not know she lives in the town next to mine and neither towns are big. My whole town was at his funeral and then the fundraiser they had for our kids. We ran in the same circle and she didn't know. I was shocked to think that. Didn't everyone know? Don't they know everywhere that my husband died and my life is messed up. Imean I thought even the people inChina or Japan knew. The whole world surely knew didn't they. I remember being shocked after he died that peole were actually going on with their lives. Even people i didn't know shocked me when they were doing normal things and boy did it piss me off that they could do that. How dare they! lol.

I called oiur friend that was helping me with the mp3's and told him she didn't know and by the end of the conversation i was crying and he just said stop where you are i'm going through there and i'll meet you. He just let me cry and talk and yell and he never said a word until i asked a question of him. I have had my girl friends do that for me but they were my friends not OUR friend and it was so nice to be able to talk without explaining or setting up the scenario of a story when i talked about kurt. He has known us since before we were married so it was just easy to talk to him. I am glad he is one of the people who haven't forgotten us.

I haven't had a chance to tell you ladies that my 14 year old son was chosen for a student ambassador in the People to People program he willbe going to Japan for 14 days this summer. His dad would be so proud of him. Nest time i am on I willtell you how his teacher crossed the line with us but i have alreaddy written enough and i need to help the girl with her homework,

I wish you all peace, love, joy and strength

Becky

[rodless]

Becky, I'll help you kick the decorations over. I went to the movie Deck the Halls tonight and laughed all the way through it. Then on the way home I was noticing lights on houses. When I got home, mine was dark, the usual decorations weren't up outside and I went on an hour's worth of crying jag. This morning I would have told you I was handling Christmas ok. Oh well, sometimes we expect too much from ourselves. And you're right....I would have thought the whole world knew my husband died until the guy who does all of our plumbing asked me how Rod was and I dumbfounded said "he died 2 weeks ago." Quite the experience. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

i now what you guys mean...doesn't everyone know? and yet, i got a christmas card from some people that we exchange cards with every year and that's about it..and i had to tell them....almost a year ago tom died. it was very weird.

i ddin't think that would happen again....and now i know it probably will again.

HUGE SIGH....

michele

[mishknit]

BTW...

extra mammo and tests all clear...thank god!

peace, michele

[aprilmoonflower]

michele- that's awesome news! yay!

[rodless]

Michele... so glad eveything's ok!! I have ideas about your author - any more hints? Mary Jo

[mishknit]

well mary jo.....

i don't think i should give you anymore hints until you take a guess! LOL.

Confidentially..he didn't call me back, which i expected, and, believe me, it didn't put me into any black mood.

now, that's enough hints for you, young lady! lol

take care....maybe guessing will give your mind a little something to do besides think about rod

Michele

If you do want to guess...initials, ok?

[lauraa]

Susan:

I feel the same way you do. I can't even imagine being with anyone else. I was so fortunate to have loved such a decent, wonderful man and human being. My loss is beyond words and I feel so lonely because I don't feel the ones around me could possibly understand...not unless they have been thru something like this and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thanks for sharing.

Michelle: Yah.....so happy everything is o.k.

Shakira: I don't think you need to share anything with them...especially, if they are mean to you and have left you out. Hold his stuff sacred and keep it to yourself.

When my husband was sick I had "an inlaw" in my home going around without me knowing it and taking pictures out of frames and going and copying them without my knowing it. When someone told me that I felt so violated beyond words. Those were mine and only mine to have and to share if I "chose" to. He had no right to do that. I think he got wind how I felt and now when I see him (which isn't often) he can't look at me. Wouldn't you say that is stealing?

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- I am dying to know who the author is too! can I guess too? what genre of writing? I am guessing mystery.lol.

not much going on here. xmas will be fun with the kids. DH and I bnever did much for the holidays before we had kids so it's fun and something that's all "mine". Of course I wish he is here too (he wanted to dress up as Santa for the kids! He would have made the perfect santa too!)

otherwise I am finally making the final plans for DH reef (www.eternalreefs.com) to be cast and dropped next Nov. and I realized that's how I found this board was from that website! weird coincidence or what?

laurra- wow about the picture copying situation! deifnitly sounds like violating your privacy and I would consider it stealing! how tacky! I am sure they didn't mean to hurt you, the way they did, but still..geesh.

[airymoon]

Rodless i decorated our house just a few lights because my daughter insisted. After two days i realizrd how sad and pitiful it looked so i went out and bought all new lights and added more do it didn't seem like such a sad little attempt. Kurt always like to do christmas and I could just hear the neighbors "oh look Becky tried to decorate! how sad for her" lol At least now it looks like i wanted to do it. I would pay money to go to a place that sets up christmas decorations just so yo can knock them down and kick them. M aybe i will start that place.

Michele great new on your tests way to keep the faith i know thats not easy to do.

strenght and love to you all,

Becky

[rodless]

Ah Michele... JE??

Becky, Wouldn't it be fun to stomp all over those little light bulbs and wipe the smile off the snowman faces?? Seriously, most of the time I do still like the lights. A neighbor has a display that is a little over the top... I live across from an open courtyard square and the cars go round and round from Thanksgiving to New Years. Maybe I could drop a watermelon off a building instead.

Susan and Laura, I respect your views on relationships. Maybe since this was my second marriage, I can imagine having another love but I'm sure not in the market for a long time to come. I had one of the best.

Everyone... take care and do your darndest to cope!! Mary Jo

[mishknit]

ladies...

thank you all for being happy about my tests..i am too!

becky...i had to laugh at the idea of "poor becky, trying"..that is so funny! We decorated inside, but not outside this year..that was tom's thing, and i just couldn't bear it. maybe next year

lauara...thje balls of that person! unbelievable what people will do.

and, finally, Mary Jo......YEP! very interesting evening with a very interesting and odd man. I was very flattered, because he is so smart and talented, but not too unhappy, because he is......dark! Who knows...i will certainly run into him again, and if i didn't make too much of an idiot of myself (tho, who cares!LOL)..perhaps conversation will continue. I tell you..it was fascinating!

was that the first person you thought of, or did the last hints give it away?(they were pretty blatant!)

take care all...i just got home from my physical grief group, and had to check into my online one...what a way to live!

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Michele - I am soooooooo glad for you!!!

I am sitting here wearing a santa claus hat!!!....Whooooweeee, first time ever for me!!! We are a bit strapped for money at the moment, so getting into christmas has been hard. However, we went to buy the tree tonight and wound up buying a lot more than the tree. Of course we bought the bulbs to go with it, the lights last week, and the tree topper. But, then we found ourselves buying a wreath for the front door, some extra cute tree decorations, some lights for outside the house, some battery operated candles for the kitchen window, some decorations that go on the window, and TWO matching Santa Claus hats. We were both REALLY getting into it and having a really good time. Of course, we would like to have gotten more, but HAD to stop due to the money....we charged it all tonight. I know next month when the bill comes in I will be a bit unhappy, but for now, gosh it felt good. Our 13 year old son came with us. We took him to ice cream first, then went to do some of the shopping. (It was his turn for the one on one time) He ran to the electronics and sporting goods isles to look for presents for us to purchase while we ran off to find the tree. He came along in time to help pick out the decorations for the windows. When we left the store, the moods were good. We were talking about limits on christmas gifts when my 13 year old brought up the one christmas we got "everything" on our lists and then some (I won 1500 at Bingo the week before Christmas that year), and how it was a big surprise when you were younger and believed in Santa, but how it was not such a surprise now that they are older and how they get less presents because the ones they want now are more expensive.....then he said, "hey mom, weren't we living in Port St. Lucie when we had that really big Christmas?" All I could say was "yup." As he and the hubby kept talking, I was reflecting back on that "awesome" Christmas...It was the last one that Mark was with us. Gosh how I miss him....I want to pull out that video right now of "that" Chrstmas and see his face, here his voice, watch him as he played Santa and handed out the presents, laughed with the kids and I, hold him, touch him, cry for him, and hug that damn tv 'til I just can't squeeze it anymore. (I have even kissed him on the TV in the past...crazy, I know.) We were both so flippin' happy that we could give the kids such a great Christmas, as we were always so broke! And we had soooo much fun shopping that year! But, I WON'T DO IT!!!!! I have promised myself that I will have a good holiday this year because I really do want one. And I enjoyed our shopping tonight tremendously, I was smiling and having fun. I bought matching hats with my new husband, and decorations that I had ALWAYS wanted to buy, but didn't even have a credit card to put them on then if I had wanted to. I miss him, I do, but I want to be happy this year...and, I will be!!! I owe it to my kids, my new husband, and myself. I don't want to be sad, or even angry with him right now. I don't want to feel as if I am leaving him out, but I don't want to feel any of it right now. Does this make sense to anyone??????????

So, here I sit in my new Santa Claus hat...and tomorrow, it's off to the store again to get garland for the tree because, ooooooops, we forgot that tonight darnit!!!

(((Hugging you all)))

Angel

[mishknit]

thanks angel....

what a wonderful post..fulll of such new hope and yet remembrance of the past...i think that's great!!! I bet everything looks fabulous, and this will be a most wonderful christmas too.....

michele